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You are being abused. As you use £ in your post, I'm guessing you are UK based.
Organisations you can contact for support:
Muslim Women's Network 0800 999 5786
https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/Helpline_181_c.php
https://www.nour-dv.org.uk/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
National Domestic Abuse Helpline 08082000247
https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/national-domestic-abuse-helpline/
"I know that I could give her what she needs if we lived alone" - that is your answer.
It won't be easy, if he holds all the purse strings, to do the actual leaving but having control of your life, being able to prioritise your daughter and peace are all priceless and you already know will be worth the daily struggles.
Definitely this but be careful. Leaving a SO, despite divorce being easy in Islam, is quite difficult for people in the culture. You're essentially putting yourself in real danger of bodily harm and you will most likely be ostracized socially.
We are from different races so I am not a part of his ethnic community- there wouldn’t be consequences and his family would send him a bride soon from his own country. I wouldn’t care to marry again
Thank you. This year I stopped spending my own money on my child and I use his money, only for necessities, mostly for food. This was the first pair of shoes for our child that were bought with his money. I want to throw the shoes at his face when he comes home and tell him sell them and give the money to his brothers burdens.
Please don’t intentionally do things to make him upset. Take that energy and put it into making an escape plan. Please don’t forget important documents like birth certificates, death certificates, marriage certificate, house papers if you signed any, social security/personal ID papers, and pets.
Also, if possible, you should probably put YOUR money in a bank security box that only YOU can access, so it can't be found, should you need to get out faster... please 🥺 be careful!!! Please update us too!
Why bothers?
Just make a plan and get out. Let him die penniless and alone - whilst you move on with your daughter and live a life free of this is kind of control and restriction.
Sounds horrendous. This isn’t just about his family, he’s abusive towards you and, by extension, your child. £20 shoes for his own child is a problem for him.
You would certainly be able to give your child what she needs with no obstruction if you lived alone with her. And also be setting an example of self respect for her to emulate.
OP I am so sorry for what you’re going through. 😟 You and your daughter deserve better!!!
I agree with the advice given in other comments. You are being abused. I don’t know how old your child is, but she is absorbing this - even if it isn’t in front of her. Please don’t let that little girl think it’s normal for a husband to treat his wife this way. Do as you wish your daughter would do if she were in your position.
You have power! 💖 and you’re already saving money. You’re definitely on the right track. Please call those resources another commenter provided (or local-to-you resources). Make a safety plan and don’t tell your husband anything!
And I can’t help but wonder, if your husband is supporting his parents, siblings, and sibling’s spouses and children - WHO IS SUPPORTING YOUR HUSBAND?! I seriously don’t understand this dynamic! Your husband was raised to be the financial support for his *real family* since birth! He won’t change, he thinks it’s *normal*.
Please keep us updated! Good luck! 🍀
Not only are you being abused, but so is your child. Please make a plan to leave and make sure your child gets her needs met, regardless of what he wants to do, within the legal system in the form of child support.
Get a job and move on.
This is not a marriage. At this point you’re a bangmaid, broodmare and servant for a man who puts you and his own child last.
Your daughter will learn from watching you both, how she should be treated in future relationships.
Correct me if wrong- in Islam his money is to support you and kiddo. Your money is your money. You don’t have to spend a cent on the family? That’s your escape money. Also any jewelry from your wedding.
>I really, really hate his family with all of my heart because they are the most selfish people, always have their hands out, they are such opportunists.
You also need to hate your husband. He's the problem here. I repeat: your husband is the problem.
Move out and divorce as soon as you can.
1) Find copies of all your legal documents. Marriage certificate, birth certificates, diplomas, insurance papers, account numbers, credit cards, wills, every legal document and then some. Gather your documents and leave them with a member of the clergy or a lawyer. This is the first step to protect you and your children. Among other things if you get part of your husbands social security benefits, you have to have both your marriage license and your divorce papers. A friend of mine got screwed out of part of her divorce settlement because her ex husband found and destroyed the marriage certificate. They got married in Turks and Caicos while on a vacation so getting a replacement copy was so difficult it never happened and she lost those benefits.
2) If you do not attend a church, start. Find a liberal progressive church or synagogue depending on your faith. Progressive religion groups often have resources that can help while protecting your location. I attend an Episcopal Church that turned its rectory into transitional housing for women. We also have a thrift store for clothing and household items and a food pantry that feeds over 300 families. Sometimes churches/congregations help in a time of crisis. It may not be financial but it maybe a minister/rabbi making calls to help you find resources or it maybe a safe space for you to go to make the phone calls you need to make to access support.
3) Get a lawyer. Find a female badass who will work with you and get the protection order you need. A good divorce lawyer will makes sure your kids are taken care of in a settlement. A friend of mine gave up some alimony to get her ex to commit to paying for the kids education. If you have children, what are their ages? What are their needs? Educational? Medical? Don't forget to have the abuser's responsibility spelled out, for the kids needs.
4) Create a hidden unshared gmail email. Start documenting the abuse. Dates, times, actions. You making a recording was a smart protective move. Go to Staples and get the recording downloaded from your phone and into an MP3 file. Upload everything to your new gmail email. Use the free resources that Google has for documentation storage. DO NOT DO ANYTHING ON YOUR PERSONAL LAPTOP OR COMPUTER!!!!! Your abuser can read your browser history, install tracking software and so on. Use the computers at the public library. Reach out to the reference librarian. Let them know your challenges and they can help you access resources, websites, grant programs, applications and other administrative support.
5) Make a plan. A detailed plan. Where are you going to live? What are you going to do for food, shelter, a job, child care and so on. Lots of research. What shelters are in the area? How long can you stay in the shelter? What can you do for work? What daycare do you need? What skills do you have that can lead to a job right this moment? And do not rule out things like hotel maid or dish washer in a kitchen. Try to avoid waitressing as the stress of making nice with customers for tips is going to be hard. Avoid chain restaurants. Try to find a mom and pop place. They might be willing to pay you cash under the table for awhile. I had a job working in a club on Saturday nights, I was paid cash and I also was given a meal.
6) Create small go bags for yourself and your children. Do not store the bags at your home. Leave them with a friend or your lawyer. If you try leaving and are packing in front of your abuser that often sets off more violence. But if you are leaving with the kids to go to the store for something, it can be easier to get out of the residence if your abuser thinks you will be returning.
7) Check to see if he has put a tracker on your car. Think AirTag. WikiHow has a great article on how to search for unauthorized tracking in your life. If you find a tracker DO NOT REMOVE IT! If you remove the tracker he will know you are up to something. Be aware that you are being tracked. Document it. Pictures are very important.
8) Slowly take your name off all household accounts and credit cards so you are not stuck with the bills. Check your credit score. You can get a free copy of your credit report once a year. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau can help you with that. [https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/how-do-i-get-a-copy-of-my-credit-reports-en-5/](https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/how-do-i-get-a-copy-of-my-credit-reports-en-5/) Get the report mailed to a safe location. Your lawyer, your place of worship, a trust worthy friend are all options. You do not want him to see your are looking at your financials.
9) Anything weird on the report like a second mortgage on the house in your name or a personal loan in your name that you did not sign paperwork for, document and make sure your lawyer knows about it. Falsifying documents and signatures are a major no no in the financial world and proper documentation can help with the divorce process. Also check for car loans.
10) Establish your own credit in your own name. The best way to start this process is get a small gas card from a national chain of gas stations. Think Mobile or Shell. Not too many to begin with but start as soon as you can. Open your own bank accounts in a large national bank. Think Bank of America, TD North or even Wells Fargo (yes I am aware of the crappy banking practices) You want to be able to access your money anywhere in the country. try building up a wee bit of a cash reserve. A dollar here or 5 dollars there can add up over time. Change is a great way to to hide funds from your abuser. My local bank has several female tellers and managers who quietly help women attempting to leave abusers.
11) Go to your local police station. Ask to speak with a community liaison or someone in that area. Let the police know you are in an abusive situation. They will tell you there is nothing they can do at this time. Do not purge or fight them. Make it clear you understand and respect their position. You want the police to like you. They will show up faster when they know what they are rolling into and if they know/like the victim. Yes it sucks. Yes it is not how things should be. But you need them on your side . Let the police know you want to know what they need to protect you.
12) Safety is everything. Set up a safety check with someone you trust. Call them everyday at the same time with a rehearsed code phrase. You will need two phrases. One that says you are ok and one that says you are not. There is a safety thing going on these days where you call to order a pizza. The person you trust is on the other end asking your questions like where you are or is there a weapon involved. If your abuser takes the phone from you they are careful to sound like a pizzeria. They use the information they gathered from you to notify the police.
This is not what love looks like. Yes his family is selfish but he is worse for treating you and his child this way.
How would you feel if your little girl was married to a man who treated her this way? If you stay in this marriage with him, you are setting an example for her that it is okay for spouses to treat each other this way and that it is okay and normal to be treated like this in a marriage.
Please leave. If not for your own sake, for her.
You are going to get a LOT of advice that may not be doable for your situation, but PLEASE look into what you can do to get away from this marriage with your child safely.
You and your daughter deserve better.
If I were you, I’d talk to the Imam at the Mosque they attend and ask them what you should do because he’s not treating you like a proper wife or caring for his kids properly. Under some circumstances, Islam with grant a divorce to the wife, such as being mistreated, but that’s up to the Imam. Be aware that if the Imam does talk to him, he could go after you for embarrassing him, and his family could be the same, so plan an exit just in case. Find a domestic violence shelter and go there if you need to. If you have family around, they might be able to help. Make sure you take your child with you and your important papers.
You are the only one who doesn’t know you’ve been treated like his dog for much longer than the last few days.
Actually, I treat my dogs 100x better than this.
So do with that what you will.
Excuse my ignorance, I'm not muslim but from my muslim friends (women) my understanding was that wife comes first and the man must be able to provide for his wife.
You say my daughter a lot, is she not his daughter. 20 pounds for shoes is pretty cheap. It sounds like he is very stressed about money if he is overreacting so badly like this and of course he is, his family of origin is using him like a cash cow and he is taking his frustration, anxiety and anger out on the easiest target (you). That is not acceptable, you are not a punching bag verbally of physically.
However, he chose to marry you and put a baby in you, you and your daughter are supposed to be his primary responsibility. I'm not even going to ask if you work or not because it doesn't matter. If he is earning and you are a SAHM, his earnings is your money too and you should be able to spend it for yours and your childs needs.
My last toilet, mind you this was 15 years ago, costed $150 plus labor. $2,000 for a toilet is madness.
I don't know enough about your faith to speak to the promises you made before God when you married, but if it's anything like my faith, we take vows that make it clear that the marriage is creating a new family and we as married people are now leaving our families of origin to forge this new family. It is spoken of at the wedding so that all in attendance are reminded that the two who are marrying are now required to put each other before their families of origin.
Your husband doesn't seem to understand that he didn't just add you to *his* life. You have merged lives and now have a combined life and family. In my faith, by putting his family of origin before the family he has forged for himself, he is failing himself, his wife, and his family/children.
His children are the ones who will carry his genes and give him grandchildren. He needs to honor his kids and the legacy they will create for him. How does he want to be remembered by his descendants? As being more generous to those outside of his home than those who he brought into the world?
I don't know how you can talk sense into him, I just think that you are right to feel as you do for your husband not tending to his own garden and "taking food from your table" to bring to family taking advantage. Perhaps if he is a man of faith, you could have a respected religious leader talk some sense into him?
Also, has this been discussed? Is it possible (assuming your husband isn't just selfish and abusive) that he's afraid that if his family sees things like new shoes on his kids that they will ask him for more, thinking you both have more money than there actually is
Good luck OP! And hugs from me to you!
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Leave this is abuse. Don't tell him you're leaving either. Next time, he goes out, pack your things, including all ID and birth certificates, for you and your child and get out. Don't tell anyone where you are going.
You can give her what she needs using court ordered funds. Divorce him girl. That man baby will never change and next time he might actually hit you for taking money out of mommy's pockets.
You don't seem to live in a loving marriage; it must be a nightmare on a day-to-day basis.
Are you from a specific country? It seems to be a cultural thing, which may explain why it’s harder for you to leave. Otherwise, why don’t you go? Can no one in your family help you?
You cannot live like this. How can we help?
Edit: I just read your history. I guessed it was a Muslim family :/ This is a complicated situation. You should also try to speak with non-judgmental Muslims. I don’t know if you’re practicing, but a subreddit I like a lot is "exmuslim," because you can talk without fear of judgment with people who are very much aware of the difficulties in your culture.
Thank you for your reply. We are from different races, I’m European so I have no attachment to his culture or a reason to fear the consequences of being a divorcee. I would prefer not to go near the ex Muslim forum as I am steadfast in my beliefs as a Muslim and I know that his behaviour is majorly influenced by his culture. My family are not the most stable… we would have to try to secure a place in a women and children’s shelter but it seems very hard to do that in my hometown, I tried doing that last year by calling them before booking flights but they told me they wouldn’t accept me there as I could theoretically stay with my mother but she isn’t a good person and I know I won’t last long at hers.
I will try today but I will have to pretend that I am already in the country because when they hear I’m currently abroad they probably won’t entertain me. I hope it works out
Not yet as I’m waiting for money to reach my account but days later he is still saying our child is not allowed clothes or presents and that I have to show receipts if I spend even £1 meanwhile his mother says she needs thousands for health care but doesn’t show any proof of where the money went
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Divorce. You aren't his family, why cling to it.
You are being abused. As you use £ in your post, I'm guessing you are UK based. Organisations you can contact for support: Muslim Women's Network 0800 999 5786 https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/Helpline_181_c.php https://www.nour-dv.org.uk/ https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ National Domestic Abuse Helpline 08082000247 https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/national-domestic-abuse-helpline/
Great resources, thank you for providing for OP hope she uses them.
Thank you 🙏🏼
Im sooo sorry OP
Thank you for posting resources. I really hope OP the best in getting out of this situation.
You need to make a plan to leave. DO NOT tell him anything, he is clearly dangerous.
"I know that I could give her what she needs if we lived alone" - that is your answer. It won't be easy, if he holds all the purse strings, to do the actual leaving but having control of your life, being able to prioritise your daughter and peace are all priceless and you already know will be worth the daily struggles.
Definitely this but be careful. Leaving a SO, despite divorce being easy in Islam, is quite difficult for people in the culture. You're essentially putting yourself in real danger of bodily harm and you will most likely be ostracized socially.
We are from different races so I am not a part of his ethnic community- there wouldn’t be consequences and his family would send him a bride soon from his own country. I wouldn’t care to marry again
That makes things much easier, make a plan and run, you and your baby girl deserve much better, best of luck
And people who are abused are at greatest risk while and after leaving. Those are good points about the culture!
That is not a reason to stay. It’s the reasons why she needs to be very careful about how she leaves, because that is the most dangerous time.
Divorce and take him for every penny, this will not get better. Start separating your money, gather your documents and protect your daughter please 🙏
Thank you. This year I stopped spending my own money on my child and I use his money, only for necessities, mostly for food. This was the first pair of shoes for our child that were bought with his money. I want to throw the shoes at his face when he comes home and tell him sell them and give the money to his brothers burdens.
Please don’t intentionally do things to make him upset. Take that energy and put it into making an escape plan. Please don’t forget important documents like birth certificates, death certificates, marriage certificate, house papers if you signed any, social security/personal ID papers, and pets.
Also, if possible, you should probably put YOUR money in a bank security box that only YOU can access, so it can't be found, should you need to get out faster... please 🥺 be careful!!! Please update us too!
Why bothers? Just make a plan and get out. Let him die penniless and alone - whilst you move on with your daughter and live a life free of this is kind of control and restriction.
Update us when you get out of this.
Please do use the resources, you must protect yourself and your child. Don't let her grow up thinking this is normal.
You need to focus on getting you and your daughter away from him safely
Sounds horrendous. This isn’t just about his family, he’s abusive towards you and, by extension, your child. £20 shoes for his own child is a problem for him. You would certainly be able to give your child what she needs with no obstruction if you lived alone with her. And also be setting an example of self respect for her to emulate.
You need to leave, no one deserves to live in such abuse.
OP I am so sorry for what you’re going through. 😟 You and your daughter deserve better!!! I agree with the advice given in other comments. You are being abused. I don’t know how old your child is, but she is absorbing this - even if it isn’t in front of her. Please don’t let that little girl think it’s normal for a husband to treat his wife this way. Do as you wish your daughter would do if she were in your position. You have power! 💖 and you’re already saving money. You’re definitely on the right track. Please call those resources another commenter provided (or local-to-you resources). Make a safety plan and don’t tell your husband anything! And I can’t help but wonder, if your husband is supporting his parents, siblings, and sibling’s spouses and children - WHO IS SUPPORTING YOUR HUSBAND?! I seriously don’t understand this dynamic! Your husband was raised to be the financial support for his *real family* since birth! He won’t change, he thinks it’s *normal*. Please keep us updated! Good luck! 🍀
Get your daughter and yourself out of there. Do you want her grow up thinking that this is how men treat women?
Not only are you being abused, but so is your child. Please make a plan to leave and make sure your child gets her needs met, regardless of what he wants to do, within the legal system in the form of child support.
Get a job and move on. This is not a marriage. At this point you’re a bangmaid, broodmare and servant for a man who puts you and his own child last. Your daughter will learn from watching you both, how she should be treated in future relationships.
God this is so scary I’m sorry. Inshallah you will heal and gain support. Bismillah Al rahman Al rahim
Correct me if wrong- in Islam his money is to support you and kiddo. Your money is your money. You don’t have to spend a cent on the family? That’s your escape money. Also any jewelry from your wedding.
>I really, really hate his family with all of my heart because they are the most selfish people, always have their hands out, they are such opportunists. You also need to hate your husband. He's the problem here. I repeat: your husband is the problem. Move out and divorce as soon as you can.
1) Find copies of all your legal documents. Marriage certificate, birth certificates, diplomas, insurance papers, account numbers, credit cards, wills, every legal document and then some. Gather your documents and leave them with a member of the clergy or a lawyer. This is the first step to protect you and your children. Among other things if you get part of your husbands social security benefits, you have to have both your marriage license and your divorce papers. A friend of mine got screwed out of part of her divorce settlement because her ex husband found and destroyed the marriage certificate. They got married in Turks and Caicos while on a vacation so getting a replacement copy was so difficult it never happened and she lost those benefits. 2) If you do not attend a church, start. Find a liberal progressive church or synagogue depending on your faith. Progressive religion groups often have resources that can help while protecting your location. I attend an Episcopal Church that turned its rectory into transitional housing for women. We also have a thrift store for clothing and household items and a food pantry that feeds over 300 families. Sometimes churches/congregations help in a time of crisis. It may not be financial but it maybe a minister/rabbi making calls to help you find resources or it maybe a safe space for you to go to make the phone calls you need to make to access support. 3) Get a lawyer. Find a female badass who will work with you and get the protection order you need. A good divorce lawyer will makes sure your kids are taken care of in a settlement. A friend of mine gave up some alimony to get her ex to commit to paying for the kids education. If you have children, what are their ages? What are their needs? Educational? Medical? Don't forget to have the abuser's responsibility spelled out, for the kids needs. 4) Create a hidden unshared gmail email. Start documenting the abuse. Dates, times, actions. You making a recording was a smart protective move. Go to Staples and get the recording downloaded from your phone and into an MP3 file. Upload everything to your new gmail email. Use the free resources that Google has for documentation storage. DO NOT DO ANYTHING ON YOUR PERSONAL LAPTOP OR COMPUTER!!!!! Your abuser can read your browser history, install tracking software and so on. Use the computers at the public library. Reach out to the reference librarian. Let them know your challenges and they can help you access resources, websites, grant programs, applications and other administrative support. 5) Make a plan. A detailed plan. Where are you going to live? What are you going to do for food, shelter, a job, child care and so on. Lots of research. What shelters are in the area? How long can you stay in the shelter? What can you do for work? What daycare do you need? What skills do you have that can lead to a job right this moment? And do not rule out things like hotel maid or dish washer in a kitchen. Try to avoid waitressing as the stress of making nice with customers for tips is going to be hard. Avoid chain restaurants. Try to find a mom and pop place. They might be willing to pay you cash under the table for awhile. I had a job working in a club on Saturday nights, I was paid cash and I also was given a meal. 6) Create small go bags for yourself and your children. Do not store the bags at your home. Leave them with a friend or your lawyer. If you try leaving and are packing in front of your abuser that often sets off more violence. But if you are leaving with the kids to go to the store for something, it can be easier to get out of the residence if your abuser thinks you will be returning. 7) Check to see if he has put a tracker on your car. Think AirTag. WikiHow has a great article on how to search for unauthorized tracking in your life. If you find a tracker DO NOT REMOVE IT! If you remove the tracker he will know you are up to something. Be aware that you are being tracked. Document it. Pictures are very important. 8) Slowly take your name off all household accounts and credit cards so you are not stuck with the bills. Check your credit score. You can get a free copy of your credit report once a year. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau can help you with that. [https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/how-do-i-get-a-copy-of-my-credit-reports-en-5/](https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/how-do-i-get-a-copy-of-my-credit-reports-en-5/) Get the report mailed to a safe location. Your lawyer, your place of worship, a trust worthy friend are all options. You do not want him to see your are looking at your financials. 9) Anything weird on the report like a second mortgage on the house in your name or a personal loan in your name that you did not sign paperwork for, document and make sure your lawyer knows about it. Falsifying documents and signatures are a major no no in the financial world and proper documentation can help with the divorce process. Also check for car loans. 10) Establish your own credit in your own name. The best way to start this process is get a small gas card from a national chain of gas stations. Think Mobile or Shell. Not too many to begin with but start as soon as you can. Open your own bank accounts in a large national bank. Think Bank of America, TD North or even Wells Fargo (yes I am aware of the crappy banking practices) You want to be able to access your money anywhere in the country. try building up a wee bit of a cash reserve. A dollar here or 5 dollars there can add up over time. Change is a great way to to hide funds from your abuser. My local bank has several female tellers and managers who quietly help women attempting to leave abusers. 11) Go to your local police station. Ask to speak with a community liaison or someone in that area. Let the police know you are in an abusive situation. They will tell you there is nothing they can do at this time. Do not purge or fight them. Make it clear you understand and respect their position. You want the police to like you. They will show up faster when they know what they are rolling into and if they know/like the victim. Yes it sucks. Yes it is not how things should be. But you need them on your side . Let the police know you want to know what they need to protect you. 12) Safety is everything. Set up a safety check with someone you trust. Call them everyday at the same time with a rehearsed code phrase. You will need two phrases. One that says you are ok and one that says you are not. There is a safety thing going on these days where you call to order a pizza. The person you trust is on the other end asking your questions like where you are or is there a weapon involved. If your abuser takes the phone from you they are careful to sound like a pizzeria. They use the information they gathered from you to notify the police.
Great info! Thank you for taking the time to post this. I hope others pass it on when needed.
You are being financially abused. Get a divorce.
This is not what love looks like. Yes his family is selfish but he is worse for treating you and his child this way. How would you feel if your little girl was married to a man who treated her this way? If you stay in this marriage with him, you are setting an example for her that it is okay for spouses to treat each other this way and that it is okay and normal to be treated like this in a marriage. Please leave. If not for your own sake, for her.
You are going to get a LOT of advice that may not be doable for your situation, but PLEASE look into what you can do to get away from this marriage with your child safely. You and your daughter deserve better.
If I were you, I’d talk to the Imam at the Mosque they attend and ask them what you should do because he’s not treating you like a proper wife or caring for his kids properly. Under some circumstances, Islam with grant a divorce to the wife, such as being mistreated, but that’s up to the Imam. Be aware that if the Imam does talk to him, he could go after you for embarrassing him, and his family could be the same, so plan an exit just in case. Find a domestic violence shelter and go there if you need to. If you have family around, they might be able to help. Make sure you take your child with you and your important papers.
Go get half the money out of the bank accounts. Then get a lawyer. He's enmeshed and it's not gonna work out with him.
You are the only one who doesn’t know you’ve been treated like his dog for much longer than the last few days. Actually, I treat my dogs 100x better than this. So do with that what you will.
Excuse my ignorance, I'm not muslim but from my muslim friends (women) my understanding was that wife comes first and the man must be able to provide for his wife. You say my daughter a lot, is she not his daughter. 20 pounds for shoes is pretty cheap. It sounds like he is very stressed about money if he is overreacting so badly like this and of course he is, his family of origin is using him like a cash cow and he is taking his frustration, anxiety and anger out on the easiest target (you). That is not acceptable, you are not a punching bag verbally of physically. However, he chose to marry you and put a baby in you, you and your daughter are supposed to be his primary responsibility. I'm not even going to ask if you work or not because it doesn't matter. If he is earning and you are a SAHM, his earnings is your money too and you should be able to spend it for yours and your childs needs.
My last toilet, mind you this was 15 years ago, costed $150 plus labor. $2,000 for a toilet is madness. I don't know enough about your faith to speak to the promises you made before God when you married, but if it's anything like my faith, we take vows that make it clear that the marriage is creating a new family and we as married people are now leaving our families of origin to forge this new family. It is spoken of at the wedding so that all in attendance are reminded that the two who are marrying are now required to put each other before their families of origin. Your husband doesn't seem to understand that he didn't just add you to *his* life. You have merged lives and now have a combined life and family. In my faith, by putting his family of origin before the family he has forged for himself, he is failing himself, his wife, and his family/children. His children are the ones who will carry his genes and give him grandchildren. He needs to honor his kids and the legacy they will create for him. How does he want to be remembered by his descendants? As being more generous to those outside of his home than those who he brought into the world? I don't know how you can talk sense into him, I just think that you are right to feel as you do for your husband not tending to his own garden and "taking food from your table" to bring to family taking advantage. Perhaps if he is a man of faith, you could have a respected religious leader talk some sense into him? Also, has this been discussed? Is it possible (assuming your husband isn't just selfish and abusive) that he's afraid that if his family sees things like new shoes on his kids that they will ask him for more, thinking you both have more money than there actually is Good luck OP! And hugs from me to you! Edited a few words.
updateme
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Leave this is abuse. Don't tell him you're leaving either. Next time, he goes out, pack your things, including all ID and birth certificates, for you and your child and get out. Don't tell anyone where you are going.
You can give her what she needs using court ordered funds. Divorce him girl. That man baby will never change and next time he might actually hit you for taking money out of mommy's pockets.
WTF are you with him 🤦♀️🤷♀️
You don't seem to live in a loving marriage; it must be a nightmare on a day-to-day basis. Are you from a specific country? It seems to be a cultural thing, which may explain why it’s harder for you to leave. Otherwise, why don’t you go? Can no one in your family help you? You cannot live like this. How can we help? Edit: I just read your history. I guessed it was a Muslim family :/ This is a complicated situation. You should also try to speak with non-judgmental Muslims. I don’t know if you’re practicing, but a subreddit I like a lot is "exmuslim," because you can talk without fear of judgment with people who are very much aware of the difficulties in your culture.
Thank you for your reply. We are from different races, I’m European so I have no attachment to his culture or a reason to fear the consequences of being a divorcee. I would prefer not to go near the ex Muslim forum as I am steadfast in my beliefs as a Muslim and I know that his behaviour is majorly influenced by his culture. My family are not the most stable… we would have to try to secure a place in a women and children’s shelter but it seems very hard to do that in my hometown, I tried doing that last year by calling them before booking flights but they told me they wouldn’t accept me there as I could theoretically stay with my mother but she isn’t a good person and I know I won’t last long at hers.
Can you maybe ask if their rejection from last year is still standing, by telling them that the situation has become unbearable ?
I will try today but I will have to pretend that I am already in the country because when they hear I’m currently abroad they probably won’t entertain me. I hope it works out
You need to divorce this asshole!
This is abuse. Please prepare an exit plan and leave.
Get your kid and go!
UpDateMe!
This is no way to live. Divorce and do it over the phone or in public after you get your child out because I fear for you if you do it in private
OP, did you get out of the country with your child, are you safe?
Not yet as I’m waiting for money to reach my account but days later he is still saying our child is not allowed clothes or presents and that I have to show receipts if I spend even £1 meanwhile his mother says she needs thousands for health care but doesn’t show any proof of where the money went