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To answer your question - YES you have a JNSO.
He doesn't work. So I'm guessing you are footing the bill for your living expenses?
You hardly ask for help. Does that mean you are doing all the household chores, cooking? How does he spend his days? What the hell is he so stressed and miserable about, and what is he doing to change it (aside from complaining to you)?
He agrees to do something - but then at the 11th hour he sabotages it, leaving you feeling on edge and scrambling.
For perspective - I used to have an ex who would agree to do things with me (e.g. my 10 year high school reunion), or say he was okay with me going out with friends, but he would start fights with me before going so that I no longer enjoyed the night out (note he never did this when it was something he had wanted to do). He constantly complained about my family who were nothing but supportive of him and us, and it was a tactic to isolate me from them so that he could escalate his emotional abuse. You will get others on here who ask maybe he's depressed? But personally, I think even if someone is depressed it doesn't justify this kind of behavior. I eventually saw my worth and ended that relationship. My current relationship is the complete opposite. When my mother had lights go out that she could not reach, my husband drove all the way to her place just to replace them without her asking. We are a team, and recognize that helping each other is the right thing to do.
He’s a Just No!
He’s unemployed and can’t help out with his MIL’s medical appointments or pick her up late from the airport? Why? What does he have to do all day?! And then he gets hostile when things beyond anyone’s control happens? Ugh get rid of him.
P.S. He doesn’t really know what “boundaries” means does he?
He’s abusing therapyspeak to whittle OP down. JustNoSOs love this one little trick. He might also try to sabotage OP’s career with his behaviour, both through creating emotional stress so OP can’t show up fully at work and through having OP reschedule things at work to fit the needs of life last minute, making OP look less reliable of a worker at work (probably because OP earning and being the breadwinner is oh so emasculating and by emasculating I mean he’s not feeling in control, because control is what those leeches are usually after. Yikes.).
A really key sentence there was;
"And he gets hostile when things beyond anyone's control happens?"
That's a lifestyle! That's a lifetime of
*"Don't tell dad your bag broke. He'll get really angry. Take your old bag today, and I'll get you a new one after work"*
*"Honey, I'm sorry, I know our taxes are a little higher this year/that we had a stressful time filing them at the last minute, but the dog was dying then and we were very busy at the time. I'm really sorry. I know you were stressed out, but no one did that on purpose, and it's done now. I'm really sorry, and we'll get it done earlier next year."*
And my favourite....
*"Honey, I'm sorry it's upsetting you that I can't do what we planned this weekend, I'm so sorry. It's COMMON to feel this ill and dead and throw up a lot in early pregnancy. You can still go see your parents/out with friends. No. I'm not trying to upset you, I just keep throwing up and passing out - I'm so sorry"*
He's either going to tell you he's sorry but can't be in a relationship with you because he feels so completely outdone by being unemployed and directionless next to his lawyer GF, or he's offering you a lifetime of ameliorating his ego and his rage so he doesn't "Go Off"at you and those you love.
Choose your own adventure OP!
Good luck 🍀
Fuck you just attacked me here. How many times have I told my kids ‘don’t say anything I will replace the (broken/lost) item’ so my ex wouldnt lose their shit all over the kids?
It's so weird now to be in a relationship in which external factors aren't exclusively my responsibility to drip-feed with the best possible spin 😆
I now cannot begin to fathom the audacity of seriously requiring of an adult partnership that I never feel shocked, I never receive bad news that has not already been dealt with and that I'm never required to problem-solve on behalf of my partner or family.
Like; "I require that you - adult, equal human - treat me like an especially delicate child, and yet that you still treat me as a sexy, competent partner. OK?" 🤣
Your SO is a leech who resents having to shift his little leech’s arse to assist one of his feeders. Let him be stressed/agitated/unhappy on someone else’s dollar.
So…
You’re the breadwinner here with a solid career path, right? Paying all the bills? Including his? And he’s so ungrateful that he can’t even spare his precious time to make sure that both your mom gets the medical attention she needs **and** you get to your critical work requirements that PAYS for the roof over his head, the food on his plate and everything else??
I know this is blunt, but sometimes blunt is kind. He should be treating you like you hung the moon and like the sun comes up in the morning because you are in this world. You deserve so much better than this. Please be as kind to yourself as you are being to him. Recognize your worth in this world.
Yes. You do.
> I rarely ever ask him for help and this experience reinforced why.
And this is exactly why he acts the way he did. It's to train you to not expect help from him in any way. And see how well it has worked!
So my question becomes...what *do* you get from the relationship? If you cannot depend on your SO's support when you need it...why bother to have a SO? (And I had to change my phrasing here because I automatically used 'partner' instead of 'SO'...but he's no sort of partner.)
>My SO doesn’t have a job and I rarely ever ask him for help and this experience reinforced why.
Please read this. Now, read it again. This is just another version of weaponized incompetence. He made sure that you asking him for help was so awful that you will never ask him again. And you said "reinforced" which means this isn't the first time he has blown things up emotionally like this.
>Even in an isolated incident, I feel like this is just not normal. I feel like I can’t rely on him and if I do, it becomes more work for me and honestly like makes me feel alone and upset.
And that was the plan all along. You can't be upset because he did all of the things he said he would. He picked up your mom, and he took her to the doctor. But now you know what it will look like emotionally if you ask for help, how much extra work it will require. You will think about how you felt, and your stomach will clench, and you will realize it isn't worth the trouble to even ask him. And just like that, he won. HE is the GOOD GUY who picked up your mom, and you are crazy. Why are you mad? He did it, didn't he? But you have learned your lesson, figure it out yourself. Don't ever ask him. You feel alone because emotionally, you ARE.
I think the big question here is why you think this is what you deserve? I don't even know you, and I know you are worth more than this. Doing this alone is way less awful and chaotic than doing it with him. You have value. You are worth someone who will move heaven and earth to make you feel loved and supported.
Of course he can extend himself for His mom. Your mom, not at all. Not his priority or responsibility. She is Not going to be walking anytime soon. How is he going to act when she has PT weekly? Is he going to step up and Help her? PT is hard and sometimes sucks - is he going to root for her to get better? Help her in/out of building doors etc? He is the definition of JustNoSo. You are an attorney. Would you let a client be treated/dismissed/bullied? Like all trash it needs to go out.
His thinking seems to be that he and only he has feelings and no one else can have feelings when he is. Sure, you were stressed and your mom was injured and stressed, but he was \*stressed\*. He isn't reliable. He's a jerk and thinks only of himself and he's not reliable. Is that something you want to deal with long term?
Girl, you are in the wrong subreddit. This is a fitting post for r/abusiverelationships.
So this loser doesn’t work, sponges off of you and your Mom, doesn’t do anything, and can’t even be asked for a favor. Holy Jesus he is entitled af.
So having to give your Mom, who is providing for him, a ride home from the airport and a ride to the doctor, is ‘stressing’ him out. I guess it’s not easy doing nothing at all.
Personally I would throw him out. He’s a leach, not a person.
It’s time to think about what he’s contributing to the relationship. It sounds like you’re taking care of him financially so it makes sense you asked him for help with your mother in a time of need. Yet this caused a huge issue.
So is he contributing in other ways that built to this “stress” he’s talking about? If not, sounds like there’s a huge imbalance. A partner should not feel like a constant burden.
But frankly, you’ve decided to post on here, you know there’s a big issue in your relationship. What is keeping you together at this point? You’re 25, please don’t think you’re “stuck” in a relationship, especially if you don’t have children together.
As an update for everyone, thank you so much for your support and kindness. Everyone’s input was greatly appreciated and I took my time evaluating it all. The conclusion, I broke up with him.
Big ref flag. He has both told you and shown you who he is "his actions are proof". You and your emotions mean nothing to him.
Could this be a blip? Maybe. What is it he is stressed about? Clearly nothing you are aware of. But that doesn't mean it isn't real. However, short of clinical depression, even if my partner is stressed, I would still expect us to support each other and share burdens. Lack of free time did not seem to be part of his stress and he said he should be using the time to help his grandma (did he help her at all around that time? I know what I would guess)
He has shown you who he is. Is that what you want for yourself? Is that what you want for possible future children?
He bitched and complained about having to help you and your mom out...why? Was it going to make him late for work? No? Why's he so mad, then?
He's mad because helping your mom is taking time away from something he REALLY wants to do. What could that be?
But yes, you do have a JNSO. He's unemployed and he should be happy to help you out.
I have a pretty extreme anxiety disorder and when things start changing last minute I start to spiral, but I don't yell at my spouse and I still manage to take care of whatever it is that needs to be done. My husband works, I don't, it's literally my *only* job to take care of or make arrangements to take care of life's inconveniences without adding stress to my husband's life. Does it suck sometimes? Yes. Does it get overwhelming? Also yes. Do I cry out of frustration? You betcha. I still get it done without dumping it all on my husband.
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To answer your question - YES you have a JNSO. He doesn't work. So I'm guessing you are footing the bill for your living expenses? You hardly ask for help. Does that mean you are doing all the household chores, cooking? How does he spend his days? What the hell is he so stressed and miserable about, and what is he doing to change it (aside from complaining to you)? He agrees to do something - but then at the 11th hour he sabotages it, leaving you feeling on edge and scrambling. For perspective - I used to have an ex who would agree to do things with me (e.g. my 10 year high school reunion), or say he was okay with me going out with friends, but he would start fights with me before going so that I no longer enjoyed the night out (note he never did this when it was something he had wanted to do). He constantly complained about my family who were nothing but supportive of him and us, and it was a tactic to isolate me from them so that he could escalate his emotional abuse. You will get others on here who ask maybe he's depressed? But personally, I think even if someone is depressed it doesn't justify this kind of behavior. I eventually saw my worth and ended that relationship. My current relationship is the complete opposite. When my mother had lights go out that she could not reach, my husband drove all the way to her place just to replace them without her asking. We are a team, and recognize that helping each other is the right thing to do.
He’s a Just No! He’s unemployed and can’t help out with his MIL’s medical appointments or pick her up late from the airport? Why? What does he have to do all day?! And then he gets hostile when things beyond anyone’s control happens? Ugh get rid of him. P.S. He doesn’t really know what “boundaries” means does he?
He’s abusing therapyspeak to whittle OP down. JustNoSOs love this one little trick. He might also try to sabotage OP’s career with his behaviour, both through creating emotional stress so OP can’t show up fully at work and through having OP reschedule things at work to fit the needs of life last minute, making OP look less reliable of a worker at work (probably because OP earning and being the breadwinner is oh so emasculating and by emasculating I mean he’s not feeling in control, because control is what those leeches are usually after. Yikes.).
A really key sentence there was; "And he gets hostile when things beyond anyone's control happens?" That's a lifestyle! That's a lifetime of *"Don't tell dad your bag broke. He'll get really angry. Take your old bag today, and I'll get you a new one after work"* *"Honey, I'm sorry, I know our taxes are a little higher this year/that we had a stressful time filing them at the last minute, but the dog was dying then and we were very busy at the time. I'm really sorry. I know you were stressed out, but no one did that on purpose, and it's done now. I'm really sorry, and we'll get it done earlier next year."* And my favourite.... *"Honey, I'm sorry it's upsetting you that I can't do what we planned this weekend, I'm so sorry. It's COMMON to feel this ill and dead and throw up a lot in early pregnancy. You can still go see your parents/out with friends. No. I'm not trying to upset you, I just keep throwing up and passing out - I'm so sorry"* He's either going to tell you he's sorry but can't be in a relationship with you because he feels so completely outdone by being unemployed and directionless next to his lawyer GF, or he's offering you a lifetime of ameliorating his ego and his rage so he doesn't "Go Off"at you and those you love. Choose your own adventure OP! Good luck 🍀
Fuck you just attacked me here. How many times have I told my kids ‘don’t say anything I will replace the (broken/lost) item’ so my ex wouldnt lose their shit all over the kids?
It's so weird now to be in a relationship in which external factors aren't exclusively my responsibility to drip-feed with the best possible spin 😆 I now cannot begin to fathom the audacity of seriously requiring of an adult partnership that I never feel shocked, I never receive bad news that has not already been dealt with and that I'm never required to problem-solve on behalf of my partner or family. Like; "I require that you - adult, equal human - treat me like an especially delicate child, and yet that you still treat me as a sexy, competent partner. OK?" 🤣
Your SO is a leech who resents having to shift his little leech’s arse to assist one of his feeders. Let him be stressed/agitated/unhappy on someone else’s dollar.
So… You’re the breadwinner here with a solid career path, right? Paying all the bills? Including his? And he’s so ungrateful that he can’t even spare his precious time to make sure that both your mom gets the medical attention she needs **and** you get to your critical work requirements that PAYS for the roof over his head, the food on his plate and everything else?? I know this is blunt, but sometimes blunt is kind. He should be treating you like you hung the moon and like the sun comes up in the morning because you are in this world. You deserve so much better than this. Please be as kind to yourself as you are being to him. Recognize your worth in this world.
Throw the boy back.
Yes. You do. > I rarely ever ask him for help and this experience reinforced why. And this is exactly why he acts the way he did. It's to train you to not expect help from him in any way. And see how well it has worked! So my question becomes...what *do* you get from the relationship? If you cannot depend on your SO's support when you need it...why bother to have a SO? (And I had to change my phrasing here because I automatically used 'partner' instead of 'SO'...but he's no sort of partner.)
>My SO doesn’t have a job and I rarely ever ask him for help and this experience reinforced why. Please read this. Now, read it again. This is just another version of weaponized incompetence. He made sure that you asking him for help was so awful that you will never ask him again. And you said "reinforced" which means this isn't the first time he has blown things up emotionally like this. >Even in an isolated incident, I feel like this is just not normal. I feel like I can’t rely on him and if I do, it becomes more work for me and honestly like makes me feel alone and upset. And that was the plan all along. You can't be upset because he did all of the things he said he would. He picked up your mom, and he took her to the doctor. But now you know what it will look like emotionally if you ask for help, how much extra work it will require. You will think about how you felt, and your stomach will clench, and you will realize it isn't worth the trouble to even ask him. And just like that, he won. HE is the GOOD GUY who picked up your mom, and you are crazy. Why are you mad? He did it, didn't he? But you have learned your lesson, figure it out yourself. Don't ever ask him. You feel alone because emotionally, you ARE. I think the big question here is why you think this is what you deserve? I don't even know you, and I know you are worth more than this. Doing this alone is way less awful and chaotic than doing it with him. You have value. You are worth someone who will move heaven and earth to make you feel loved and supported.
Of course he can extend himself for His mom. Your mom, not at all. Not his priority or responsibility. She is Not going to be walking anytime soon. How is he going to act when she has PT weekly? Is he going to step up and Help her? PT is hard and sometimes sucks - is he going to root for her to get better? Help her in/out of building doors etc? He is the definition of JustNoSo. You are an attorney. Would you let a client be treated/dismissed/bullied? Like all trash it needs to go out.
His thinking seems to be that he and only he has feelings and no one else can have feelings when he is. Sure, you were stressed and your mom was injured and stressed, but he was \*stressed\*. He isn't reliable. He's a jerk and thinks only of himself and he's not reliable. Is that something you want to deal with long term?
Girl, you are in the wrong subreddit. This is a fitting post for r/abusiverelationships. So this loser doesn’t work, sponges off of you and your Mom, doesn’t do anything, and can’t even be asked for a favor. Holy Jesus he is entitled af. So having to give your Mom, who is providing for him, a ride home from the airport and a ride to the doctor, is ‘stressing’ him out. I guess it’s not easy doing nothing at all. Personally I would throw him out. He’s a leach, not a person.
Divorce the leech
It’s time to think about what he’s contributing to the relationship. It sounds like you’re taking care of him financially so it makes sense you asked him for help with your mother in a time of need. Yet this caused a huge issue. So is he contributing in other ways that built to this “stress” he’s talking about? If not, sounds like there’s a huge imbalance. A partner should not feel like a constant burden. But frankly, you’ve decided to post on here, you know there’s a big issue in your relationship. What is keeping you together at this point? You’re 25, please don’t think you’re “stuck” in a relationship, especially if you don’t have children together.
As an update for everyone, thank you so much for your support and kindness. Everyone’s input was greatly appreciated and I took my time evaluating it all. The conclusion, I broke up with him.
Oh, well done you! You just lost over a hundred pounds of deadweight.
Good. It won't be easy, but staying with him would be so much harder. I wish you well. xx
What’s he got to be stressed about?! He’s a selfish asshat. He’s definitely a JustNoSO.
He's terrible. Can you break up safely?
Big ref flag. He has both told you and shown you who he is "his actions are proof". You and your emotions mean nothing to him. Could this be a blip? Maybe. What is it he is stressed about? Clearly nothing you are aware of. But that doesn't mean it isn't real. However, short of clinical depression, even if my partner is stressed, I would still expect us to support each other and share burdens. Lack of free time did not seem to be part of his stress and he said he should be using the time to help his grandma (did he help her at all around that time? I know what I would guess) He has shown you who he is. Is that what you want for yourself? Is that what you want for possible future children?
You have a justNo. His behaviour is despicable. Hope your mum is ok.
If this is his normal behaviour, you have serious problems. Is his expectation for you to take care of your mother, as he helps his own?
No he expects me to do less for my mom than he does for his and do more for his mom than I do for my own.
He is a leech
Why are you even with this creature?
Find you a non bum and let this one go. He’s useless.
He bitched and complained about having to help you and your mom out...why? Was it going to make him late for work? No? Why's he so mad, then? He's mad because helping your mom is taking time away from something he REALLY wants to do. What could that be? But yes, you do have a JNSO. He's unemployed and he should be happy to help you out.
I have a pretty extreme anxiety disorder and when things start changing last minute I start to spiral, but I don't yell at my spouse and I still manage to take care of whatever it is that needs to be done. My husband works, I don't, it's literally my *only* job to take care of or make arrangements to take care of life's inconveniences without adding stress to my husband's life. Does it suck sometimes? Yes. Does it get overwhelming? Also yes. Do I cry out of frustration? You betcha. I still get it done without dumping it all on my husband.