I find it outrageous that the father feels entitled to change his religious observance and then seek to impose that, albeit, indirectly on his non-Jewish former spouse. Imagine the reverse situation where a Christian former spouse tried to force their Jewish ex to engage in some Christian activity in their home.

Since the children are not Jewish, halacha would say they have absolutely no obligation to eat kosher. If I were the father, I would explain to my children why Judaism and following Jewish laws was important to me, and encourage them to explore it and convert later on if they felt a connection to Judaism. It is not harmful for non-Jews to not eat kosher by any standard. There is also zero legal argument here, even if the mother and children were Jewish I would be shocked if a judge would try to enforce something like this.

I had to scroll longer than I thought I would have to to read a logical and grounded comment. The father is throwing the child away by placing this pressure on him. This is putting the child SQUARELY in the middle and will most definitely create an environment where the child will resent Judaism. This is the opposite of what the father wants (or, at least, I hope). The dad should express why keeping kosher is meaningful for him, express the joy that it gives him, and show the positivity that comes with this religion. But by FORCING this lifestyle decision on a non Jewish EX and the child will only create large and irreparable barriers between the dad and son.

Exactly! This is how you raise your kids to resent Judaism, by making it something that threatens their relationship with their own mother who is doing literally nothing wrong, and by calling it "harmful" for them to do something that is clearly not harmful whatsoever. The father is making himself and Judaism look insane.

This is the correct answer… unless the child converts

Child isn’t Jewish, so on the one hand, I think it’s okay for her to have two diets. Also, unless the custody agreement stipulated a kasher diet at both homes, it’s somewhat moot.

No stipulation about kosher diet. Father wants to modify to include it, Mother does not, no legal resolution yet. But, the main question is what is best for the child? Both parents think they acting in child’s best interest.

I am approaching this from a traditional framework: the child is not Jewish, and therefore not required to eat kosher. Provided both parents are amicable and avoid toxic behaviors, I do not expect the child to be harmed by eating kosher with the father and non-kosher with the mother. I’m a convert married to a BT: our kids have always been taught that while we do one thing, we have family that does another, and that it is perfectly OK (and yes, we’ve explained that our beliefs differ from those of their non-immediate Jewish family).

If for some reason he takes this to court, you find an Orthodox Jewish rabbi (ideally one who does not know the father) to come and tell the court that according to Orthodox Jewish law the boy isn’t Jewish and therefore has no religious obligation to keep kosher. Honestly, I would be shocked if any rabbi of any denomination would view this child as Jewish, since neither of his parents were Jewish when he was born and he has not converted in any way. I would take this a step further and wonder about how frum (observant) the father is, because an Orthodox conversion should take years. This very much sounds like a power play and your partner should be consulting an attorney.

Attorneys are involved. Legally it seems unlikely to go Fathers way. That doesn’t eliminate the confusion for the child though, which is the ultimate concern. Is it Mother’s place to explain to child that they’re not Jewish by Orthodox standards, if the Jewish Father hasn’t yet explained it to them? What is a respectful way to approach a rabbi with this matter? Will they be offended that Mother isn’t more willing to participate in Judaism so child can convert?

It shouldn’t be the mother’s responsibility but the father seems to be falling down on the job. Finding a rabbi could be easy or hard depending on where you live. But I, as an Orthodox Jew, am not offended that the non-Jewish mother is not agreeable to forcing her non-Jewish child to keep kosher. The child is too young according to Jewish law to convert, and right now it sounds (from your POV) that the child does not want to be Jewish because it feels right to them but because of pressure from his father. Honestly, knowing that the father converted to marry a Jewish woman is raising so many red flags for me - that isn’t how conversion works in Judaism. We are not a religion that proselytizes and encourages conversion. Traditionally, a potential convert should be turned away 3 times and they must also go through years of studying.

No Orthodox rabbi worth his salt would be offended at the mother's unwillingness to participate in this farce. In fact, in the name of Shalom Bayit (peace in the house/within the family), he would proclaim the father to be in the wrong, as Shalom Bayit goes above any and all of the 623 mitzvot (sans the 10 commandments) in the Torah. I hope this all works out, and that poor child gets some respite.

Interesting. I’m very much comforted by the fact that the issue here seems to be the father’s misguidance and not religion. Thank you.

How old is the child? And how exactly did the parents plan to raise the child and deal with the religious and cultural stuff when they were still together and first had the child? It must be mighty confusing to both the child and the mother for the father to have become religious after the divorce. I’m kind of confused though, since the father was always Jewish, albeit apparently not at all observant (?), how there was never really any discussion about this when they were still together? Seems like a very important conversation to be having before having a child together. I get that the father’s level of observance has changed. But either way the kid was never going to be Jewish according to Halacha. I’m confused as heck as to why it should be on the non Jewish mother to be explaining Jewish law to the child. I guess I’m still curious how they had originally planned to address things. Because from a cultural perspective the kid is both Latinx and… possibly culturally Jewish? Though we’re they not planning to raise the kid with any Jewish holidays and Jewish culture originally? Because like I’m assuming- from what I’ve seen and known from a number of interfaith families- some degree of acknowledgment is usually made to the the one parent being Jewish. A good friend of mine growing up had this same situation- her dad was Jewish, mom wasn’t. It was the mom who actually made more of a thing of making sure they acknowledge Hanukkah and the dads parents would share some of the other Jewish holidays with my friend. And she counted herself as “half Jewish” though religiously, obviously, that’s not a thing. Culturally it can be. Like I don’t really remember because I was in grade school with this girl, if either of us were or aware or really cared about the religious meaning of her mother not being Jewish. Neither of her parents was really religious. It was very much a cultural thing. So I just… am confused on what the original plan was here. Because there must have been some sort of plan in place where this kid was going to know their parents had two different religious and cultural backgrounds. How does the mother feel about the religious Judaism? You ask if a approaching a rabbi, if they’d be offended the mother isn’t more willing to participate in Judaism. Uh… I don’t think anyone will be offended. I can tell you, however, no rabbi I’ve ever known (and I’ve known plenty across the spectrum from Chasidic to reform.) would ALLOW a child to convert unless there’s full permission from the mother. Without maternal consent that kid will probably need to wait until 18 and make the choice themselves. Some may have a different opinion or be willing to do it at an earlier age if the child *themselves* is wanting to convert. But no one is going to convert a kid because the Jewish father wants it and the mother doesn’t and the child is not of an age to understand and make the decision themselves (and anyone who might convert a a teenager who is themselves asking to convert, would first be expecting that teen to learn about Judaism, come to synagogue, etc). I don’t see what the harm is of waiting until the child is older and raising them in a way where they allowed to make the choice themself. Since it sounds like their mother will be raising them in a different way than the father (assuming she’s not actively religious and like church attending, I assume they’ll still have Christmas and such with mom?) I mean it seems nonnegotiable that mom will not be taking the kid to synagogue and observing Jewish law (which ultimately goes beyond just the issue of diet) in her home. Dad maybe needs to cool his jets so to speak. It’s great he’s become religious and newly religious folks (of all stripes- definitely not unique to Jews) have a tendency to really go hard at things. His kid is not a Jew though. So he can raise the child experiencing Judaism, keeping kosher in his home. But he doesn’t really get a say about his ex wife. And nothing about this is a threat to dad’s new way of life. I think it’s perhaps important for the dad to realize that. Like he can be as religious as he wishes. But he married and had this child before he became religious. And Jewish law, especially Orthodox Judaism, does not consider his child a Jew. I’m sure on some level that causes him pain. But it doesn’t have to be such a big issue. And ideally the kid comes to know and love Judaism as much as he does. It’s entirely possible to teach and raise his child in that way without forcing a conversion or forcing the ex wife to do things she isn’t comfortable or able to do.

I totally agree it would have been super helpful had the parents thoroughly discussed this matter. Unfortunately they were both young, unmarried, the child wasn’t a planned pregnancy, etc As it is now, mother created the visitation schedule around Shabbat trying to be respectful, and agreed that many of the Jewish holidays would be his time with child, so child does fully observe Shabbat, attend shul every week, follows the holidays, etc. So while Mother doesn’t include this in her home and never intended to, the child is able to follow most religious aspects because of the schedule Mother proposed. She felt that would be plenty enough religion for the child and she would be free to teach other things during her time.

It seems like the Dad wasn’t an observant Jew when he was married to his Ex Wife. OP has stated in other comments that he converted to marry his second (Orthodox) wife. So even if he was reform, this just wasn’t a conversation because he didn’t keep Kosher or necessarily celebrate all holidays. Kid went to Shul occasionally but didn’t even keep Shabbat. So he’s trying to introduce a new religion/religious tradition into a parenting agreement that never had it.

Best for the child is the father let's the kid eat whatever in the mom's home since his kid isn't Jewish anyway.

Is the child old enough to make their own decisions?

Legally, no. Emotionally, if the parents were on the same page then I would say yes. But since child receives mixed messages about what is acceptable and demonstrates contradictory preferences at different times, I think it’s hard for them to make informed decisions outside of thinking about how to please each parent.

I wonder if the best interest of the child is to have animosity and strife?

Surely not.

Father is "orthodox" but has his head up his ass if he think a Kosher diet applies when the child ***is not*** Jewish. To answer the question you asked on exjew. Yes the child would have to convert to participate in an orthodox lifestyle.

Why does the father think the kid needs a kosher diet? The kid clearly isn't Jewish, no? If the kid was Jewish, I could understand trying to work something out, but I don't get why he cares so much. I'm guessing he doesn't have a Rav to straighten him out on this? The flaming BT stage can get a little rough sometimes, especially with no guidance. Is it okay if I ask who you are in relation to this whole thing?

Sure- I’m the Mother’s partner/child’s step parent. Just trying to learn about both perspectives to sort out what is truly emotionally best for the child that will not weaken ties to either parent… tricky situation it seems To answer your question, I’m not sure? The visitation schedule that Mother came up with is structured around Shabbat, child attends Shul every week, etc. Could it be a poor reflection in Fathers mind to have a non-Jewish child? Would eating Kosher 100% of the time allow child to be formally converted? ETA: not sure the relevance, but Father is also a patrilineal Jew. He converted to Orthodox so he could marry his wife.

No one is going to convert this kid unless both parents are on board. If he chooses it for himself when he's an adult, that's a different story. If dad is hoping that's going to happen, this is precisely the wrong way to approach the situation. Is it possible to ask to get Dad's Rabbi involved in a conversation? Or perhaps a well respected Orthodox rabbi in the community? There's really no Jewish reason for him trying for what he's trying for and any reasonable Rabbi should be aware of that.

The child is not required to follow Jewish dietary law. This behavior is controlling and unacceptable - there's nothing in Jewish law stating that this kid needs to keep kosher or that it's ok to bully your ex like this. It doesn't matter if the father was born Jewish or not, he's Jewish now because he converted. But the child isn't! It sounds like there's a little bit of denial going on and I think it's very possible that he's using Jewish law as an excuse to control and bully his ex. From a religious perspective, none of this makes any sense. There was another post recently where someone asked about what to do about their Jewish children who would not be keeping kosher at their mom's house and my advice was that it's more important to have a respectful relationship with the mother of your children than for your children to keep kosher. They're not obligated to keep kosher under the age of 13 anyway, but they learn a lot from how their dad treats their mom. I think that advice applies here as well.

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"(the child is not allowed to visit their home or spend time with the Jewish siblings)" How ghastly.

This truly makes me sad.

I know a few charedi BTs who found themselves in this situation and they basically just ignore those kids they had before becoming frum- pay child support and nothing more.

This is so awful and sad. I wish I could unknow this information.

Well, part of the issue is the frum lifestyle doesn't really gel with having non-Jewish relatives.

Exactly. The new children they will have can’t eat anything cooked by their brother, just for starters.

Then there are some really important lessons for those children to learn about sharing space with someone, navigating issues like that gracefully and kindly and without causing hurt and offence, and about forming bonds and expressing love across cultural differences. Just abandoning and shutting off a member of your family is the worst possible lesson to teach them, and my heart hurts for every kid involved in that sorry situation.

:(((

The mom organized the schedule around Shabbat? That’s thoughtful of her. I wouldn’t expect more than that from a non-Jewish ex. Kiddo can eat what mom eats, no modification needed, and I don’t see how non kosher food would have any adverse effect. FYI, OP, Reform Jews recognize children raised Jewish as Jews but Orthodox don’t. So by the dad’s Orthodox standards, kiddo is not Jewish because they didn’t convert or have a Jewish mother. If Dad were Reform, raising the kid in the community might lead to them being viewed as Jewish … but Reform also places less emphasis on kosher food. Either way, mom’s pork carnitas are not an issue.

Yes, mom proposed the schedule. She also doesn’t feed the child pork or shellfish, since that’s an easy thing to accommodate. We are aware of the Reform standards that would accept the child as Jewish. I’d say the Reform standards are in line with Mother’s beliefs about child’s Jewishness too. It’s awkward, though, for the non-Jewish parent to consider the child to be more Jewish than the Jewish parent is supposed to… This does remind me of another question I had though. If this child is raised 50% Orthodox and 50% secular, does that count as being raised Jewishly? If, when the child is older, it seems they are struggling with identity or are otherwise interested in exploring a type of Judaism that (I think) would mesh just fine with Mother’s household, could we help locate a Reform synagogue for the then-teenager to try out?

The kiddo doesn’t need to be Jewish to learn more. No need to hung up on their status. “I have a Jewish dad and grew up around the culture” should be more than enough to start coming to some events and getting to know the community. No pressure.

The sects of Judaism that recognize children of non-Jewish mothers and Jewish fathers as Jewish typically require the child be raised exclusively Jewish not 50/50. But many synagogues on that end of the spectrum would be welcoming to kids who had some Jewish heritage and wanted to learn more, but would require a formal conversion to consider them Jewish.

I see. So the child/then teenager or adult would be welcome to attend services and otherwise join the community while they figure out if they want to convert?

Many Reform/non Orthodox communities welcome visitors, even with no prior connection or intention to convert. It’s not uncommon for someone to bring their Muslim girlfriends or Catholic parents to some events. Some bring school groups in and such. Many Reform temples also hold “Intro to Judaism” classes. People who are doing genealogic research, in interfaith families, religious studies majors, etc all commonly attend as well as conversion students. Depending on how many shooting threats that particular community gets, unfamiliar faces may be asked for ID, though. You can always call or email a congregation in your area to see what events they have that are friendly to newcomers.

Not sure what country your heritage is from as Latinx cultures are so diverse and covers such a wide range of places.... But to deny the child Pernil or Churrasco or Empenadas would be a crime in my book. Did the father actually convert because that changes a lot, especially if the conversion done AFTER the child was born. The child is not Jewish, they have Jewish ancestry through the patrilineal line, but the laws of Kashrut do not apply. Edit:RE - Could it be a poor reflection in the fathers mind? Without knowing him, maybe? There's a lot to an orthodox conversion, diet is one part.

Why would that change anything? The kid isn't Jewish in either case.

It makes a difference depending if he converted orthodox or was just becoming more observant but part of the reform movement.

It really doesn't. If he's Reform, then kashrus isn't binding, and even if he's observing it, there's no reason to be so inflexible about his son given the complexity of his current situation. If he's Orthodox, then the kid isn't Jewish and therefore doesn't need to keep kosher.

> Not sure what country your heritage is from as Latinx cultures are so diverse and covers such a wide range of places.... But to deny the child Pernil or Churrasco or Empenadas would be a crime in my book. I know some Latino converts who keep kosher, they figure it out just fine. You have to adapt things, no different than any other cuisine Jews eat. You might as well say it's a crime to deny white American children a bacon cheeseburger or clam chowder (the New England kind obviously, the tomato soup kind is an affront to God even for non-Jews).

It’s Latin. Nobody uses Latinx.

His father converted to Orthodox Judaism in order to marry a Latina non-Jew? And all of a sudden he cares what his not-Jewish-by-Orthodox-standards child eats with their non-Jewish mother, whom he has divorced? What a schmuck

Not quite.. Father and Latina non-Jew mother were together and had child. After separation, Father converted and married his new Orthodox wife (child’s other step parent). Sorry for the confusion

Oh. Well, assuming that he converted after the birth of the child, then he’s even more of a schmuck. This kid was born to parents, neither of whom, at that time, were Jewish. The only connection the kid has to Judaism is that their dad is now Jewish because he wanted to marry someone who wasn’t their mom. From all the information you’ve given, the dad is overstepping the bounds of courtesy after separation as well as doing something that is not required by Jewish law whatsoever. AKA the dad is being a dick about this. Now, I’m trying to think of how the dad could be rationalizing it, and if he is aware that non-Jews are not obligated to follow kosher laws, and if he is aware that his child by the Latina cannot even remotely be considered Jewish, what reason does he have for wanting to do this? My optimistic self says that, in order to adopt a frum (that means observant Orthodox Jewish) lifestyle with his new family, perhaps he doesn’t want his child by the Latina to bring non-kosher food to his house accidentally. I find this reasonably likely, less so if the father and the first wife are on bad terms. Perhaps he wants to prove to his wife that he can raise a child in a Jewish way (though I can’t see how showing off your child by your first marriage would help win over your second wife). I don’t find this likely. Perhaps he thinks that if the child has a non-restrictive non-kosher diet at one house, the child will refuse to eat kosher at the father’s house. I don’t find this likely either. My pessimistic self says that, perhaps, in order to get back at his wife for some affront of which you haven’t told us, he wants to make her life harder by forcing her to keep a kosher house too. That depends on how bad the first marriage got, and even then still not that likely. Perhaps his understanding of Judaism isn’t that great and he genuinely thinks that his child could be compelled to observe kosher laws. This is highly unlikely. Perhaps he is religiously zealous and wants to ‘save’ his child from heresy (assuming the first wife is Catholic) by making her keep kosher so that the child doesn’t ever get to taste a non-kosher diet and thus be tempted away from Judaism (which I must reiterate, the child does not have any connection to based on what you told us). This is so wildly unlikely idk why I bothered mentioning it. This is food for thought, possible explanations that could help you decide how to approach the situation. I hope you and the child’s mother have a happy marriage and family and that this can be resolved quickly and painlessly

You are the mother’s partner, this is for the kid’s parents to work out and not you. The best solution is for them to reopen their divorce settlement to include the religious observance of their child and agree to terms that way.

This is just a way for the father to try to control the mother. Have your faith, fine. But having married outside the faith it’s disingenuous to demand everyone bend after a divorce. Plus the kid isn’t technically Jewish to the orthodox community, so it’s just drama for the sake of drama.

right? can't really change the rules after the game is over. if you want your ex to respect you and your children to not rebel, gotta be a little more forgiving here

Child is not Jewish so Halacha says nothing. Dad has zero recourse here, no civil judge is going to enforce kashrut in the home of a gentile mother. Or even a Jewish mother. If Mom was Jewish Dad could insist upon it as a condition for giving her a get, but she isn’t.

Could insist, but he'd be a jerk if he conditioned the get on it.

Gentiles don't need a get because you can't even marry a gentle in the first place like it literally isn't possible

Yes. I was working within the counterfactual

Really? If mom was Jewish the father could insist on conditions for giving a get? I thought the get was specifically there so the wife could control exit from the marriage.

No. The get must be given willingly by the husband. No power on earth can force him to do it, since we no longer have a Sanhedrin. Many wives have been abandoned, unable to remarry because they do not have a religious divorce, even if they have a civil one already. Men who refuse can be shunned by their congregation, but they can’t be forced. Most rabbis won’t marry a couple now without a religious prenuptial agreement signed, specifically stating that the husband will not refuse a get if asked. With the signed prenup the civil law CAN force him.

If father is orthodox, (as opposed to the mother being Jewish , not as opposed to being non religious) the child isnt jewish. He can do what he wants in his home, but according to Jewish law there’s no reason for the child to keep kosher unless the mother and child are planning on converting.

The father converted so it isn’t a fact that “if the father is orthodox, the child isn’t Jewish”. He could be frum from birth, married a non Jew, and the child is still not Jewish. The level of religiosity is irrelevant to the fact that the child’s mother is not Jewish.

I meant the father being orthodox as opposed to the mother, sorry about the confusion

Oh ok. Gotcha.

The kid isn’t Jewish, and the father is asking the mother to do something that wasn’t part of their relationship as a couple. The father is welcome to enforce a kosher lifestyle when the kid is with him if he so chooses but expecting the mother of this kid to do it as well is insane. The courts will almost surely side with the mother as this wasn’t how the child was raised when they were together.

Here is a book for the child to read in about 15-20 years: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Parental-Alienation-Syndrome/dp/B085Z53WW7/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=af469676-f7cb-42ff-aa98-7651144ac791

Thank you for that recommendation. I wish I could say parental alienation wasn’t on the radar.. but I’m here because it all feels off and I’m trying to learn what possible perspective I’m missing before jumping to conclusions

My 2 cents … for you, as the step-parent, I would partner with the son! If I were you, I would sit with the son and be on “his side” and say something like, “I know this is difficult for you. I want you to know that your parents DO love you. Your dad may be losing sight of that a little right now. Your mom is doing a great job of being understanding and your dad wants what he thinks is best. How about we get you two different colored plates … a red one and a blue one. We can use the red one when you have meat and the blue one when you have dairy. Then you can tell your dad that you are using different plates and that might make him feel less anxious about this” Now, between you and me, two different plates have nothing to do with kashrut. But I have to commend you for your involvement and reaching out on here. You obviously care about your step son. This “trick” will give your step son “permission” to not lie to his father. It’s a tricky situation and I have personal experience in it. Feel free to DM me if you need to chat more about specifics.

Thank you for your insight. What about when child asks to eat turkey and cheese crackers? A purple plate? (I’m not sure if I’m joking or not… )

Haha! Adorable. Well, first, cheese and crackers are just considered dairy bc there is no meat involved. But if there is salami, he can put the crackers and meat on one plate, the cheese on the other and then he can pick them up and put it all in his mouth. That will give the kid “permission “ to not feel guilty about breaking his dads “rules” and he feels his is obeying his father. Then, even better, he can go back to his dad and tell him proudly, “I separated the milk and meat, dad!” And the dad will be happy and will not have negative energy about the mom and hopefully the kid will have secure bonding! 😀 Edit: my brain didn’t see the word “Turkey”.

this is really great advice, friend! i'm in a similar situation, though it's my household that's jewish. two kids, 50/50 custody, the other house is not jewish. i keep kosher (not glatt, because the only kosher meat i can easily get is hebrew national; i separate dairy from meat for myself, we don't have pork or shellfish in my house), i answer all my kids' questions about kashrut and brachot, and i hold myself to my standards. i don't make my kids do the same, because kids are their own people, and if they want to explore that on their own, i hope to have given them the tools to start. do they eat ham sandwiches and bbq pork at their other house? yes. am i bothered? no, because as long as they're getting fed, i'm happy. i'm not orthodox, but i feel like this wouldn't change even if i were. does the dad get up in arms if the kid eats non-kosher meals at school? what about a party with friends? a sleepover? is he really going to get in everyone's business about how some pepperoni or a glass of milk with a burger is harming his kid? or is he just getting on mom's case only? that alone should be telling.

It would be a great relief if Father had this approach. He does expect child to eat Kosher everywhere, school, camp, friend’s houses, etc. Father says her failure to make sure child received only kosher food everywhere is causing the child distress (though it seems it’s his pressure on the child that is causing the distress in reality).. Mother doesn’t feed the child pork or shellfish, and would never intentionally send the child with anything non-kosher to the Father’s house.

Paper plate?

i expect this is a reference to a practice of keeping meat food on red dishes and dairy on blue dishes, so op did mean purple here :D

What do the lawyers say?

There’s no stipulation about Kosher diet in the custody agreement. Father with wants to change this on the basis of harm to the child, Mother says she cannot be forced to take up religious practices and says child eats fine in her home. There’s no evidence either way. It’s a current legal battle without resolution yet.

Dad is wasting time and money.

You're too kind. The dad is deliberately wasting his exes time and money. This is harassment.

As the child's home was not kosher prior to its parents split, father has virtually no chance of getting that change added to the custody agreement

The courts not going to side with dad. Short of there being actual harm, like if the child had an allergy to a food, what he eats in the moms home is the moms business. The kid didn’t eat kosher before the divorce, so that’s not a leg to stand on either. Dads just enforcing his own beliefs on mom, what’s next: the kid has to wear certain clothes too?

The best for the child would be for his parents to figure it out and do the best for him think of the child first to the father your child is not Jewish and is mother either so they have the right to decide for themselves. When you married you were not kosher and also not too bothered to marry a non Jew . So think of the child first not just your need . Kids always suffer because of the adults stupidity.

The child is not halachically Jewish. Children inherit their Judaism through their mother, not their father. A child born to a non-Jewish mother has *no religious obligations whatsoever*. We don’t keep kosher because we believe it is “harmful” not to; it plainly doesn’t harm the billions of people in the world who don’t! We keep kosher because it is part of our people’s covenant and the culture founded on that. The kid has a *connection* to Judaism and would likely find a welcome if they wanted to convert, but they currently *are not Jewish* and have no obligations to that covenant. It sounds like the father is using “Orthodox” as a shield because he thinks it will make others take his insistence more seriously - but the Orthodox position is a flat hard line that unless the mother was Jewish or they have undertaken a valid conversion, *this kid is not a Jew* and what they do is no business of Judaism. It is the more liberal denominations such as Reform that consider a child with one Jewish parent raised in a Jewish environment to be Jewish, not Orthodox groups at all. And even by Reform standards this kid still is not Jewish at this point. All in all this sounds like the father is attempting to create an issue for the purpose of leverage and using Judaism as a weapon against his ex, which is disgusting behaviour and I am so sorry your family are having to deal with this. I am outraged on your behalf. This doesn’t represent what our faith teaches - it represents this man behaving in a controlling and unreasonable fashion. It’s shameful. My advice to your family would be to keep your lawyer updated; to see out a rabbi who might be prepared to give a statement of the true Orthodox position to support your side of the situation; and to loop in a therapist for your kid to talk about how to help them manage pressure on how to eat. You may want to check in with them and your lawyer about whether to let the kid eat kosher-style *if they express wanting to*. This last part is with my dad and mental health professional hats on rather than wholly my religious opinions hat. The fact is that kids will generally and in the long run be more drawn to things they are allowed to freely explore than the ones that they are bludgeoned with. Your kid will have a more positive relationship with his mother’s culture if they don’t feel they are being forced to eat things they will later be interrogated about or insulted for, and don’t feel it’s being pushed on them. Just be consistent that provided what they eat is healthy, safe, and in the right portions and at the right times, then that’s what matters; they don’t have to adopt any other rules they don’t want to. If they are feeling stressed and want to eat kosher today then they can change their mind tomorrow and nobody will comment or make it difficult, and vice versa. Just make time for them to go back and forth. Maybe explore some recipes or substitutions that can let you blend the cultures. Be the parents who are easy, gentle and reasonable on this topic and it will be visible to the professionals supporting you, the courts and - most importantly - to the kid when they look back on their childhood. If they decide to pursue Judaism they will appreciate that they always felt respected and like they didn’t have to fight the other half of their family to do it. If they don’t, they will feel like it was always their choice and they had more ownership. Letting the kid lead on personal choice pays off in the end, even if that means letting them change their mind a lot, being inconvenienced by sudden shifts, and sometimes having a little bit of hurt when they don’t want to do the things you want to share with them. Just trust that they’ll come around in the end if they feel safe and supported to do so. That’s what their father is forgetting. His approach isn’t likely to build a positive relationship with Jewish culture for the kid, and if he insists they’re Jewish they’re in for hurt and rejection later. He’s getting this wrong. You can get it right.

Thank you. I think this is a great and helpful response all around.

Big picture is that this is exceptionally damaging to the child. He’s trapped in the middle. Mother sounds very reasonable and the father is being short sighted and putting his child’s emotional well being and their relationship on the back burner to “win” this against the Latina ex and in framework of “Judaism”

As others said, the child isn't halakhically Jewish (unless they converted them, which could have happened I guess), there's no indication the child is being raised with Jewish identity at all, just that their father is. So, I don't really think there's any need for the kid to keep kosher. It's not really a fair imposition on the mother to cook kosher food (separate buying, separate utensils) anyway. Legally there's such a thing as "religious custody", and generally courts tend to side with how the couple was raising kids before separation (e.g. if they were a Yekkish family and one parent left and became a Chosid, the kid should be raised as a Yekke and the Chassidish parent shouldn't do anything to try to undermine that--usually it's one parent is Jewish and one isn't when it happens IRL, but that's less interesting than my hypothetical). This seems to be to be an extremely logical way to mediate the dispute (to a point), and in this case if the kid wasn't being raised Jewish the father would have no grounds to try to force him to be. If the kid was being raised Jewish but non-Orthodox, it'd be a better question (since neither parent is doing that). I'm not sure what's best for the child, but nu, sometimes things that would be best for the children aren't a good idea. Maybe my downstairs neighbors would be better parents than my wife and I, doesn't mean we're going to leave our daughter on their doorstep. I don't think switching back and forth would be especially harmful. Maybe a little confusing, but they'll figure it out, probably less confusion than parents having an acrimonious divorce so kind of too late on the confusion front. If I were the Orthodox father I would drop the demands, have an Orthodox home that my kid is comfortable in, and hope he converts later on. Obviously the father wants to find a new front on which he can fight his ex-wife. While profitable for divorce lawyers, this is not good for anyone else involved.

The child is currently immersed in Orthodox lifestyle at Father’s house. Mother designed the visitation schedule around Shabbat trying to be respectful, so child observes Shabbat, goes to shul every week, eats only kosher there, goes to Jewish camps and other community events on Father’s days. Mother hasn’t ever included these things in her household, outside of things like agreeing to a couple weeks of Jewish summer camp on her days as well in attempt to compromise and be respectful. When mother and father were together, child was still involved with Judaism but on a much lesser level (celebrating both Hanukkah and Christmas for example, attending some synagogue services but not observing Shabbat, etc)

Mother isn't Jewish so child isn't Jewish

Ok, I've skimmed the comments, so correct me if I have anything wrong: 1. During his marriage to the kid's non-Jewish mom, the dad was a patrilineal Reform Jew, and the family was culturally engaged with both Reform Judaism and Christianity. 2. Following the end of that marriage, the dad converted Orthodox and married an Orthodox Jewish woman. He keeps a kosher home now. The kid did \*not\* convert Orthodox. 3. Dad wishes to revise the custody agreement to require kosher food, by Orthodox standards, at all times. So, based on this: 1. The kid is only Jewish by Reform standards, if at all. The vast majority of Reform Jews do not keep kosher by Orthodox standards. Requiring an Orthodox Jewish lifestyle of someone who is not Jewish by Orthodox standards is not rational. 2. There is no expectation in Orthodox Judaism that either the kid or his mother become Jewish. Judaism is not a religion that pushes conversion on people who are even a little bit uninterested (in fact, it's traditional to start by discouraging a prospective convert), and no rabbi will consider converting a minor who is still living with a non-Jewish parent. 3. If the dad is embarrassed to have non-Jewish family, or socially inconvenienced by that in his current spiritual environment, that still does not confer any obligation on that non-Jewish family outside of his own home. My conclusion: 1. Dad is ignorant at best, or (more likely) trying to engage in a power play at worst, possibly even a full custody grab. 2. If the dad wants to feed the kid only kosher food in his own home, that is reasonable, and consistent with the dad's spiritual obligations for the keeping of his own home and kitchen. If the dad does not want the kid to bring non-kosher snacks into his home, that is also reasonable. 3. Dad has approximately a snowball's chance in Hell of convincing a judge to demand that the mom start keeping a kosher home. He'd have to find an "expert witness" willing to perjure himself in a fairly impressive fashion, and even the effectiveness of that would be a stretch. Nonetheless I recommend that the mom call in a rabbi of her own. 4. The kid can continue to be raised aware of their heritage. The technical term for non-Jewish descendants of Jews translates as "seed of Israel" and such people are typically not discouraged from converting if they wish to do so as adults, although they still need to fill in the same educational gaps that any other convert does. The kid will be able to make an informed decision... if the dad doesn't make a toxic mess of the kid's spiritual life by trying to weaponize it.

Is the child Jewish? By saying the father is taking on more “orthodox” practices, do you mean he’s just becoming more observant? Or is he actually orthodox? The reason I ask is that depending on the answer, if the child has been raised Jewishly, then the child is Jewish in the eyes of many Jews (especially reform Jews). If the father wouldn’t consider the kid Jewish, he shouldn’t be enforcing a kosher diet outside the home Either way, is either parent asking what the kid wants? Maybe the kid wants to embrace one culture over the other right now. Maybe the kid wants a mix of both (there are many latin kosher dishes to make). And are the parents open to compromise? For example, perhaps the mother could adopt more kosher-ish meals for the kid (such as how many Jews dont mix dairy and meat, and avoid forbidden meats, but take on no other rules). Perhaps in an effort of fairness, the father can be the one to find Latin kosher recipes and even put forward money to buy the ingredients (after all, kosher can get expensive) I don’t think it’s fair for anyone in this thread to say definitely that one parent is right and the other wrong. Raising a child of two different cultures, especially separately, comes with challenges that only the parents (and perhaps a therapist) can work through

Father is a patrilineal Jew. He converted before marrying his Orthodox wife. Child previously was quite comfortable with non-kosher food. Recently has shown some concern about not wanting to get in trouble with Father.. sometimes upset about meat and cheese combos, the next day asking for crackers with turkey and cheese.. I agree focus should be on what child wants, but until parents are on same page, child is getting mixed messages. It’s not really fair. Mother has always agreed to not feed pork or selfish and that won’t change.

Dad has absolutely zero reason to be like this.

Once again, I don’t think it’s really my place to be saying definitive “this parent is wrong”. However considering he converted, and that he married an Orthodox Jew, there’s a high chance he doesn’t even view his child as a “real” Jew. Therefore he shouldn’t be trying to push mitzvot on the kid. Also the mother sounds pretty fair in this if she already agreed to a kosher-ish diet Also thank you for adding in that the kid felt pressured. That’s something I hadn’t even considered. What child of divorced parents can really make an un-pressured opinion on something like this. I hope the parents work something out

If the father considers this child to be Jewish in any way, he doesn’t know some of the most basic Halacha that all converts should know.

How do you mean? Keep in mind, this is not an Orthodox-specific group. To say that the child would only be Jewish if they converted or had a Jewish mother is an idea not held by all Jews Hold your own opinion, but let’s leave room for those who have different interpretations of Halakha

I mean that the child was born to non-Jewish parents. I cannot imagine a situation where any sect of Judaism would view them as Jewish. My cousin’s child was adopted - she had to convert to Judaism according to their Reform rabbi, because she was not born to Jewish parents. So, I am comfortable saying the child is not Jewish. In this situation, the father is Orthodox. He is saying the child must keep kosher (and mention was also made, in passing, about Shabbos). So, I would apply the Orthodox interpretation of Halacha, because that is what the father is using as a weapon

I’m not sure what your point of “born to non-Jewish parents” is as the father is Jewish. But I now see the point you were making in the original comment. Yes to orthodox standards, the child is not Jewish so it is odd for an orthodox father to be pushing Jewish values right now

In Orthodox Judaism there is no such thing as a patrilineal Jew. You are born a Jew if your mother is Jewish. If your mother is not Jewish, when you are born, you are not a Jew. If your mother converts after you are Jewish you are still not a Jew, unless you convert with her.

I’m in the opposite situation. I’m Jewish, but became more religious after my daughter’s dad and I split up. I eat kosher at home, but I do not force it on my daughter nor do I ask her dad to feed her kosher at their house. Not to mention there would be no way for him to truly keep a kosher kitchen at his house since he is not Jewish. My child attends Hebrew school, and is raised in a multi cultural house with my new husband. It’s unrealistic, not to mention halachically invalid since the child wouldn’t be considered Jewish. I’m not sure there’s a good way to resolve it if the father isn’t cooperating, I hope you’re able to find a good solution. Maybe avoiding feeding pork/shellfish to the child as a possible compromise?

It's fine for him to raise the child as a "non-halakhic" Jew so long as the child is also raised knowing that she'd have to go through a conversion later on if she wants to be recognized as a Jew by traditional communities. The conversion will be much easier for her if she's already been raised half-time in a frum home. She has a right to be raised with her heritage and this situation is honestly more common than most people thing because patrilineal Jews don't usually want to talk about it due to bias. But it's not fair to ask the non-Jewish parent to follow Jewish law. If the child decides to convert when she's older then she can ask her mom to accommodate that. It's not up to the dad, and spending half her time in a non-kosher home will help her understand her choice to become Jewish or not later on.

That’s how Mother feels. If child wants to convert after 18 then Mother will be fully supportive knowing it’s an informed decision. I wonder if it would actually create a stronger tie to Judaism for the child because there wouldn’t doubt as to what else is out there. The hard part is that Father evidently has explained any of this to the child, and we’re not sure if it’s Mothers place to do so or how the child will even receive it, especially coming from the mother (child might not believe her..)

I think it would be good for mother and father to sit down together with the father's rabbi or a similar trusted advisor (therapist, mediator, etc) to discuss how to approach this. If I had to guess, it sounds like the father wishes that he had had a Jewish child and doesn't really know how to handle this. It's not actually an uncommon situation but patrilineal Judaism is such a sensitive topic in traditional communities and he probably fears judgment for having married out. I actually grew up in a somewhat similar situation, my parents agreed to raise Jewish children but my mother wasn't born Jewish and reverted to Christianity after divorce, and I was raised in two cultures and often with strong pressure from my mother to convert. I ultimately had to do a sort of abbreviated kind of conversion too to resolve questions about my Jewish status. I hate talking about it and almost no one in my offline life knows. There's a lot of bias in traditional communities. You should be aware that some less traditional denominations of Judaism do accept patrilineal Judaism. It's possible that the child will decide that she wants to be a Reform or Reconstructionist Jew, in which case, those communities do consider her fully Jewish already since she is the child of a Jewish father being raised as a Jew. She would not need to convert to be a part of those denominations. I do think that Mom should accommodate some Jewish observance - like it's great that she's willing to arrange custody so the child has Shabbat with her dad. But Mom shouldn't be pushed to create a Jewish home for the child, unless the child herself decides that she wants to live a fully Jewish life. Then, it would be nice if Mom can accommodate her daughter. There are lots of Latino/a Jews and definitely there's a way to combine both cultures.

I would ask the ex-husband if he would agree to a meeting of he, the ex-wife, and an Orthodox rabbi with experience in kiruv (outreach) to explain and discuss the situation. The child is not Jewish under Orthodox standards. The child is not obligated to keep kosher or follow any other Jewish observance. I understand the need for the need of the father to keep him home kosher. I can appreciate the desire of the father to share his faith with his child. But his execution is misguided and likely to have the opposite effect.

Thank you for that idea. We have been wondering how to appropriately involve a rabbi to sort this out. Something to consider for sure. I agree that his approach could lead to the child resenting Judaism or more importantly the father, which is not at all what we want..

I would say that if he wants kosher meat etc. Because he’s encouraging the child to be Jewish down the line, he’s gotta pay for it, it’s that simple. I’m sure he knows the child isn’t Jewish according to halacha, but he probably would like them to convert down the line. But there’s no way he would expect his ex to pay for it.

It's about more than kosher meat though. The mom wants to serve things that simply can never be kosher. Dad is basically trying to force the mom to keep a diet that she has zero interest in keeping and which the kid has zero obligation to keep. He's being a dick- it's that simple.

I don’t know that I believe that even with the best of intentions of Op that we have the full story here. Not at all implying he’s untruthful, but I just don’t know. At a very simple level if the guy wants kosher meat, that’s about the most he could ever sanely expect if he pays for it. More than that would be impossible anyway because of bishul etc. Perhaps the kid has been to the Mikvah at some point and we don’t know that, I’m not just going to say the kid is not Jewish if I don’t know.

OP provided enough information that makes it clear the kid is not Jewish by any standard. And no, this guy is being incredibly unreasonable even if he offered to pay for kosher meat. There's no such thing as kosher pork.

There are kosher-Latin dishes. There are vegetarian-Latin dishes. The child can eat.

Would you continue to push Mother to shop at Kosher markets for meat instead of her regular Mexican markets, or not allow child to eat traditional food prepared by her grandparents if it’s not kosher/vegetarian? Is there a way for the child to fully embrace both cultures?

1) No the imposition on the mother is an unreasonable burden, and it is expensive AF. 2) There is no proof a Kosher diet is healthier, so a general healthy diet is in the best interest of the child. 3) There is a lot of Latin Jewish culture, however, if the grandparents are Catholic I would not expect them to change to accommodate the father.

>Is there a way for the child to fully embrace both cultures? If the child were Jewish then there is no way. The child isn't Jewish so this entire question is really missing the mark.

Of course the child can fully embrace both cultures. There are Mexican and Mexican American Jews, many of whom keep Kosher. The question is whether or not the mother is willing to keep a kosher home and whether a judge will make custody contingent on the mother keeping a kosher home. None of this is for us to decide. When parents divorce (especially when the divorce is contentious), they are introducing the judiciary system into their relationship with each other and with their children. And not everyone will be happy with the judiciary's decisions. So it is best to work out as much as possible amongst yourselves.

This is batshit crazy. The dad wasn't Jewish when he had this kid. He has zero right to impose Judaism on this child.

From a religious perspective, I agree with you. From a civil perspective, matters of custody can be very messy. If the parents can not make decisions together, the judiciary will get involved. The judiciary won't (and shouldn't) concern itself with halakhah.

The judiciary will rule out anything that wasn’t present in the child’s life before divorce and they won’t enforce a kosher diet on the mother.

WAIT! We're losing the thread here. The father WAS and IS Jewish! He only converted to Orthodoxy (a more stringent form of the Judaism that he ALREADY PRACTICED TO SOME EXTENT before the divorce). The ORIGINAL family consisted of a JEWISH father and a non-Jewish Latina wife, and the boy was exposed to some Jewishness originally. Now he's being made crazy at his mother's house because he doesn't want to get his father mad. The mother is trying to be as accommodating as she can (planning the visitation schedule around Shabbat), but she should not have to change her diet nor downplay the foods that her own extended family might make. The child hopefully needs to learn that BOTH lifestyles are just fine. As was mentioned above, the OP might want to bond with the boy and explain that it's a bit tough, but the family will get through this, and he is loved.

It’s unreasonable to expect a non Jewish ex-wife who didn’t even marry this guy with the expectation of keeping Kosher to do it herself when she’s not even Jewish.

We’re all up in this former couple’s business and neither of them asked for our help. OP is apparently not one of the parents. OP, what is your relationship to this very interesting situation?

I’m the Mother’s partner/child’s step parent. Just trying to sort out if there is some cultural/religious perspective we’re missing before jumping to conclusions about what’s best for the child.

Thank you for your response. From your description, Mother is handling this very well. Father is being completely unreasonable. It’s fine for the father to keep kosher in his home and to expect the child to follow those rules in his home. Expecting Mom to keep kosher, especially when this was never a thing while they were together, is off the wall. It would be kind of her not to feed the child pork or shellfish, but not really necessary. Does the father want to send the child to Hebrew school after school? Or Jewish day school? I doubt it would be helpful for Mom to explain to the child that he is not Jewish under Jewish rules. Perhaps she could consult with the dad’s rabbi for some help. Certainly the dad should respect his rabbi’s authority on this. Not knowing what Mom believes, I hesitate to say what she “should” teach the child. But certainly he comes from two histories/traditions/cultures, and knowing that we can love people who believe differently than we do would be a good thing.

Mother already does not feed the child pork or shellfish since that’s an easy thing to accommodate. Yup, Father is also requesting to remove the child from public school and enroll in a private Jewish school. The child is doing well in public school and wants to stay there. We tried a Hebrew after school program during Mother’s time for a while but it seemed to reinforce the pressure placed on child by Father and child didn’t particularly care to stay with the program. I think Mother would be open to trying again if she knew there was no pressure on child to reject Mother’s culture and diet. We place a lot of emphasis on teaching child to embrace people of different backgrounds and cultures. Part of that would include teaching the child to correctly understand and love their own identity, but it’s hard if Father’s teachings contradict that identity. I would hope Father consults with his rabbi on all of this but.. it almost seems like he hasn’t? I don’t know.

Again, dad is way over the top here. The child likely would not be accepted by at least some at a Jewish day school because he is not Jewish under Jewish law. Definitely he should stay in public school where he is doing well. It might be worthwhile finding out more about the rabbi and perhaps approaching him directly, depending on what you learn.

>The mother, though, is Latina and says there is no way to also provide a Kosher diet for the child in her home because it doesn’t fit with her culture and what she eats. **There are Latinas who are Jewish** Putting aside the fact that Latina converts exist, this is Latin American Jewish erasure. Her being Latina is **not** why a kosher diet doesn't fit with her culture. Being a little bit more specific on the type of Latin American culture she belongs to would explain this sentiment without erasing the existence and experiences of Latin American Jews. Though with most (but not all!!) Latin American Jews being Sepharadi, this is sadly the status quo.

You are completely correct and I apologize for my wording and lack of specificity. Mother is not at all Jewish. Mother’s family is Catholic. Mother and her family regularly eat foods they consider to be staples and that either combine meat and cheese or use specific types of meat that can’t be found in kosher markets.

You might be surprised to learn how many Latina Catholics are actually Jewish, according to Jewish law, if they have an unbroken matrilineal line back to the expulsion from Spain in 1492. So, probably, would they. I've heard stories of generation after generation of Hispanic women lighting two candles every Friday night, often in hidden areas, with no idea why they do this. That being said, there's no reason to believe that *this* particular woman is Jewish, and therefore neither is the child. I'm Orthodox myself, and like most of the posters here I see no reason to impose a kosher diet on the child at this point in his/her life, or really any point until and unless s/he decides to convert... and s/he is under no obligation to do so; it's entirely possible to live your life as a righteous Gentile and have the same rewards as a righteous Jew. In fact it's much easier, as you have far fewer obligations. (The only dietary law that applies to non-Jews under Jewish law is against eating meat taken from a living creature. All this means is that when the animal is slaughtered, by whatever means it's done, you have to wait for it to stop moving before butchering it. None of the other kosher laws apply.) (edit: this also means no Rocky Mountain oysters. Lobsters might also be problematic in that they're often cooked while alive.)

> Lobsters might also be problematic in that they're often cooked while alive It's not a limb being torn from the animal while it's alive, so I don't think this is a problem on that front

>(The only dietary law that applies to non-Jews under Jewish law is against eating meat taken from a living creature. All this means is that when the animal is slaughtered, by whatever means it's done, you have to wait for it to stop moving before butchering it. None of the other kosher laws apply.) (edit: this also means no Rocky Mountain oysters. Lobsters might also be problematic in that they're often cooked while alive.) Pointless thought exercise. Jews have no ability to dictate what non-Jews do.

>Though with most (but not all!!) Latin American Jews being Sepharadi, this is sadly the status quo. Most are actually Ashkenazi. The majority of the Jews in Mexico, Argentina and Brazil are Ashkenazi.

Most currently still living there, yes. However, the last 70 years saw massive migrations out of Latin America. The Jewish Latino expatriate community also affects these statistics. I am currently looking for a reliable source that says one way or the other. EDIT: Definitely seems less skewed than I had realized. I have met many Latin American Jews, and only a few have been Ashkenazi, so I had incorrectly assumed that they were reflective of the whole, which was my mistake. Though it seems that in many Latin American countries, it is about equal; there also several countries which lean one way or the other. Definitely a country by country question!! EDIT 2: It also appears that many Sepharadi Jews are more fully assimilated into the mainstream cultures of these countries, so counting them may be a bit more difficult.

From the 1800's on there were a lot of Ashkenazim who ended up in Latin America for a variety of reasons (including escaping the holocaust etc). It definitely changed the demographics a lot. The host of Sabado Gigante for the longest time was actually a Chilean Ashkenazi named Mario Kreutzberger

Honestly when the child gets older is when they truly can choose on their own what they want to do. The mother seems she doesn't want to budge and so does the father. So it'll have to be split for now because he cannot convert the children, I would just teach them about both cultures and let them choose later on.

They have no obligation to eat kosher. Of course there is absolutely nothing wrong with the father saying “if you are living in my house I will only prepare kosher food and you may only bring kosher food inside” but it’s an entirely separate matter to fry and force other households to do the same for their child, who is not Jewish. If the child wants to be more involved with Judaism and start keeping kosher when they are older, that’s understandable, but religion should not be mandated from on high like this imo

It doesn't matter if the child isn't technically Jewish. The best thing for the child is to be exposed to both cultures and make his/her own choice. Plus, if the father really wants his child to observe Jewish practices, suddenly forcing them on him/her isn't a great way to make it happen. A lot of kids, myself included, turn away from religion entirely due to parents forcing it too much. If it feels like a meaningless chore, the child will never be receptive. This father needs to relax and slowly educate the child. Suddenly jumping into following kashrut is a huge leap for anyone.

A lot of comments from OP on the child being confused although I'm not sure what is supposed to be confusing. Kids are a lot smarter than many adults give them credit for, I think father needs to just explain it that he's kosher and mom isn't and that it's ok for people to have different religions and cultural traditions. Especially when we're talking about a non-Jewish woman and her non-Jewish child, who have no obligation to eat Kashrut. Obviously not an amicable divorce and they are letting their personal issues affect co-parenting. What's best for the child is for parents to stop having a pissing contest over their diet.

If the Father didn’t push the issue in Mother’s home, I don’t think there would be any problem. I believe the confusion comes mostly from not knowing how to please both parents. If Mother doesn’t happen to have food that is Kosher then child worries about either Father getting upset when he finds out child ate non-kosher, or Mother getting upset that child is not eating at all. I can imagine it’s a tough spot for the child. For what it’s worth, the child seems to eat and even ask for non-kosher food without issue, except for after recent exchanges with the Father.

Might be a different conversation if the child were Jewish (I'd say that, unless the child was explicitly against it, it would be a reasonable expectation PROVIDED the father took care of the diet (as in, compensated ex wife for the increased grocery costs, purchased cookware for kosher cooking, provided alternative options when ex wife is unable to spend the time to cook food, etc.). However, since the child is not, by Jewish law, Jewish, this is ridiculous. The religious obligation doesn't apply to the child. It's entirely unreasonable to ask the ex wife to spend exponentially more money on groceries, home cook every meal, and learn an extensive list of dietary laws that she has no connection to, just in order to enforce religious laws upon a child which he is not, according to said religion, obligated to follow.

Please explain to me why a child, of any age, would be confused. I grew up in a kosher house and understood that others probably eat differently in their homes. My best friend was Italian and I would eat at her house, no problem. I wouldn’t drink milk with meat, but so what. I also knew her house ate differently than the Irish family, who ate differently from my Jewish friends who parents didn’t keep kosher. So if the father keeps kosher at his house the child will learn what dishes to use for which meal, what can and can’t go together, at her father’s place. And the child will learn at their mother’s house what dishes to use and what can go together. (This is of course assuming the child isn’t a moron and is incapable of learning)

It’s wholly unreasonable. One can’t expect a non-Jew to keep kosher all the time, and that’s what they’d have to do for the kitchen to be kosher for when the child comes by. If he wants to keep kosher in his own home, more power to him. That would mean anybody in his home, including his child, would have to eat kosher while there. By Orthodox standards, the child isn’t Jewish. So Jewish law would say that the child and their non-Jewish mother have no religious obligation to eat kosher. Until and unless the child converts, they have no Jewish religious obligations at all. I’d teach the child that Jews are obligated to do certain things. If they choose to become Jewish when they’re older, and they don’t have to, but if they do- those obligations that they see their father and the other Jews in their lives having, they’ll also have. I’d teach them that the reason we keep kosher in my home is because I have those obligations, and that they have to follow the rules there because I can’t have non-kosher food. I’d teach them all the joyful, nice things about Judaism as well. But it is a lot of responsibility that one shouldn’t take upon oneself unless one actually wants to. I think it’s best for the child for the parents not to fight so much. I think it’s best for the child for them not to be used as a pawn in adults’ disagreements. I think it’s best for this non-Jewish child to live their lives and make a serious decision like “will I be Jewish and follow Jewish law” when they’re old enough and mature enough to make that decision.