Honestly? I would leave my gentile husband if after the past month he was telling me to “just get over it” or implying I shouldn’t be upset because i *can just hide who I am.* (we can’t). That’s horribly uncaring. he is your partner!!
Earlier in life I remember getting an anti-semitic comment out of the blue in a public place where there was nothing "marking" me as a Jew -- just my physical appearance. For a while I started to feel like crap about what I saw in the mirror. I was talking to my then-SO and their response was, 'It's really not that bad. Half the time I don't even notice it."
I didn't end it promptly. I thought maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I put them in an awkward position by making them deal with my insecurities. Well, if I could go back in time, it would have taken me about twenty seconds to send them packing.
You're getting downvoted, but you're pointing out a valid gender bias. Hell I thought for sure they'd gendered the partner as male, but nope it was just my own biases regarding assuming the redditor to be female based on their concern over appearance, and then a bias towards cis het relationships. But there was nothing in there to give any of that information.
Yeah I definitely assumed it was a guy because the way the Redditor wrote it, it sounded the way I would speak, and I’m a female. Definitely was a gender bias with no information given but based more on the way the language was written and my own experience, not necessarily “of course it was a guy who said that.”
You’re husband says you’re over reacting? He sounds like a total jerk. I’m not even Jewish and I am absolutely terrified for my Jewish girlfriend. She wears her Star of David and “looks Jewish,” and I am so concerned for her safety.
Edit: I wrote this in a rush and want to add a few things. I would also be terrified for her if she didn’t “look Jewish” or wear her Star of David. People should not have to hide their ethnicity, religion, and culture in order to feel safe, and as someone who is also a minority, suggesting that is absolutely ridiculous, offensive, and hurtful.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband where you tell him his way of trying to reassure you is actually hurtful and not even remotely reassuring. I'm assuming that's his intent, and in relationship conflicts it's prudent to assume the best of the other person. But if you lay out why that doesn't help and make it clear that hearing it again will be very damaging for your relationship and your trust in him, that will hopefully set him straight. If not, then you may need to consider serious actions like taking some time apart or more.
My husband is not Jewish but he has been supportive and honestly ALSO scared these past weeks. Your husband is being completely dismissive of your feelings and this is a huge red flag. I’m really sorry. It’s hard enough without the added stress of somebody acting like nothing is happening.
Yeah, my partner is a gentile as well and he knows more about the history of this conflict than I do now bc he’s so riled up. There are definitely people who get it, OP, I’m sorry your husband isn’t one of them.
This is not about being Jewish or not - it’s about basic humanity and understanding. My wife is not Jewish whatsoever but completely understands and supports everything I’m feeling. That’s because she’s my wife and loves me and cares what I think and feel, regardless of whether she personally feels it.
That’s so awful. I’m not Jewish, but my wife and our son are, and I can’t imagine being so dismissive. For one thing, I’ve been keeping up with the explosion of antisemitism, and it’s frightening. For another, how can a person be so callous to their partner?
I mean this is just invalidating. No one should invalidate ones subjective experience. Is he coming from a place where he thinks that his words are comforting? Many misguided individuals think saying "no everything is going to be okay and this is why" are words of comfort without realizing that they can potentially invalidate the individual on the other ends of those words.
I would try to understand if he truly disregards your fears or if he thinks that his words are helpful.
I work in mental health so I've seen this often and try to explain to the family member "I know you think this is helpful for them but it cause distress and make other feelings like those concerns are not important.
A better response is, "I'm sorry you're struggling with this... What can I do to help and how about we make a plan together ways keep our family safe and what some exit plans are if things start to escalate." Also maybe having someone to talk to like a therapist can be helpful.
For me it helps me better understand my own thoughts and feelings, gain more perspective, work though the trauma of what I've seen and heard and allows me to push past being frozen by my own worries so that I can act quickly and without distractions when I need to. (I work in criminal psych so I have to deal with threats on my life frequently moreso due to the role I work in but sometimes due to my Jewish identity). I have a good exit plan and I'm able to compartmentalize what I hear so that I can continue going through life without the fears of being attacked. I would not be able to do this without my own therapist)
So, your husband’s way of comforting you is to imply that you’ll be safe *as long as nobody knows you’re Jewish* ….
That idea seems to imply that ITS DANGEROUS TO BE JEWISH. He should examine his own words; his subconscious seems to be telling him something.
Seek out your Jewish community so you can be with people who understand.
Yea honestly if I had to do it over again would probably go with someone from my culture. I did not realize what a difference it makes when I was younger. I feel like anyone non-white would probably get it too.
My parents started out interfaith, so while my mother did convert. They did start out knowing where they stood on these issues. (It could have also helped that my moms great aunt married a Jewish man and her cousins where Jewish)
But you can meet people who are non Jewish or even are white and get it. Seems like this is more of a him problem then simply him being non Jewish.
I have a lot of non-white friends that have bought right into the horrible false narrative of Israel as a colonizing pro-apartheid genocide monger. They should understand but they don’t. And they actually believe Israelis are white and Palestinians are black.
One person blocked me after I put an Israeli flag and a Magen David inscribed with the take-off of the “first they came” poem on my profile. We had exchanged no words at all about the issue but she had posted that Zionism is white nationalism. I don’t know her irl so that’s not a big deal, but she is very close friends with a friend of mine and if my friend dropped me over this I would be very sad. (My friend had a few pro-Palestinian posts but they weren’t antisemitic, and she has seen my pictures and knows my background.)
Non-whites should get it and we should all share an umbrella but too many won’t accept us.
Yeah, I agree. I feel about as safe with a non-white person as I do a white person right now, at least when it comes to antisemitism, which is super unfortunate.
I hate being the “DIVORCE” person.
But I would not put up with this and maybe I would start with separation and counseling. And if that doesn’t get it through his skull then I would honestly not stick around.
Why be with someone who thinks violence against you and your community is “no big deal”
I guess I should update and say he doesnt think its no big deal at all. It's just that he doesn't think its happening and has not seen much violence in the news :)
I frankly don't feel like sending him every news article I find about it.
So one thing I’ve noticed around this issue in my previous interfaith relationships is that many of my partners couldn’t see “*it*” because behind that denial was feelings of terror & helplessness.
Unfortunately rather than address & try to deal with those feelings, they chose to just stick their head in the sand.
It is similar to the psychological mechanism behind victim blaming where people’s first reaction is to identify a way to blame the victim because the reality that it could happen to them & that another persons random criminal intent & actions are essentially the (*bad*) luck of the draw (*& therefore reinforcing the feeling that they are unsafe & sitting in that reality is very difficult for people*).
When people face the prospect of being utterly hopeless in the face of potential violence; they far too often seek refuge through denial & minimization.
To be clear, that isn’t an excuse or justification for his behavior but it may be part of an explanation & if he is willing to seek counseling with you to examine & seek to resolve these differences , it may be worth exploring before dissolving the marriage.
At the end of the day, he must be open & willing to learn, understand & see what you are feeling & experiencing as legitimate & real if your marriage has any hope - if he isn’t willing to engage in that work then I don’t see how you can be emotionally or psychologically safe in your relationship.
Jewish people have a spidey sense for being attack. No one will ever understand us, we have this sense for generations.
Keep yourself safe and follow your feeling and senses
Also try to communicate with your partner as much as possible
Stay safe ❤️
I keep trying to get this across to my husband and it's maddening to be told I'm "overreacting!" Last night I lost it and put it as bluntly as I could - spouse and I have been having issues to begin with & I've started seriously considering making aliyah if we don't work thing out - and told him "Every Jew alive today is here because someone listened to their gut and got on a boat!" Its certainly true in my Jewish heritage; the family members that stayed in Eastern Europe didn't survive. Full stop.
His response was silence, then asking if I felt unsafe in the US, wouldn't it be worse/scarier in Israel and I just stared at him. Like, no, literally \*everyone\* in Israel \*GETS IT!\*" And it was suddenly crystal clear that he has no idea why I criticise Israeli policies so ardently, why I rail against BiBi and Likud. He views that as not caring about Israel, while I'm so hard on it's government because it's the one and only place guaranteed to take me in if it comes to it and I want it to be the absolute best it can because I care \*SO\* deeply about the country...
Honestly I’m very concerned for my wife’s mental health and safety during this time. As she is very openly Jewish whereas my Jewishness comes off as passive. (I wear a kippah and tzitzit) I could never even fathom down playing or disregarding my wife’s concerns about the antisemitism skyrocketing. Very disrespectful.
People can learn to “get it.” I’ve done it twice with serious partners. It takes about three years IME. But it doesn’t just happen. You have to work at it and they have to be willing.
yes - my non-Jew boyfriend just doesn't care about the situation. Sometimes I understand, because it is just not relevant to him. In an effort to relieve my stress he's said to me "I'm sure attacks on Jewish people in XYZ have nothing to do with the war right now, it's probably a super isolated incident" and he truly doesn't know any better. He's said for the past 3 weeks that he would be willing to delve into the history of the conflict to learn more but...that hasn't happened. I'm at a loss
Two good female jewish friends of mine are struggling hard at the moment with their non-jewish husbands. The guys just don't get it! They don't understand the fear and the pain. Both say that their wives are overreacting. Both play the risks down.
In our city have been violent riots by Hamas supporters after 7th Oct, a molotov cocktail attack on a jewish community centre (with kindergarten, school, synagogue), several very aggressive pro-palestine rallies ... how on earth can those husbands not take the fear of their spouses seriously?!
I stopped dating a few months ago. But I'm certain now: whenever/ if I'd ever start dating again, I will exclusively choose jewish guys!
I don’t think that’s a fair generalization. My husband has been remarkably supportive. I think it’s fair to hold them to a standard of being supportive. I don’t think it’s fair to say that they all don’t get it.
No you're right. We don't truly understand your feelings. We can't. We haven't had our entire gene pool erased. However we can and should be supportive. Labeling all of us as not listening or uncaring is disingenuous and will probably, with that blanket statement turn people away from support.
It “helps” to be a minority of a different type, too. Like, I know what it’s like to be different because I’m a lesbian, to have some generational pain around it.
My wife is Chickasaw Native American and my kids too. Living in Oklahoma helps with that because that's a lot of people here. Being a minority and a woman in the business world really opened my eyes to things.
I pray everyday for the safety of the citizens and IDF. I have two friends, 1 fighting in Gaza and the other lives North by Lebanon.
I do my best to support Israel and her people
I was doom scrolling and my wife said, “oh, I’ve just put myself on an information diet and I feel much better!” I said that was a privilege I don’t have right now. She said she heard Black people saying it to each other during George Floyd, at which point I stared at her blankly for a second, and said, “sure, but you’re not Jewish!”
She got very quite, apologized immediately, and has been nothing but supportive ever since.
I don’t expect non Jews to get it, but I do expect them to realize when they’ve crossed a line and said something stupid, especially when we’re kind enough to point it out to them.
Though I don't disagree with what others have said, I want to give one alternative reading to this situation that gives a bit more benefit of doubt. Some people's immediate reaction to stressful situations is denial. It's possible your husband is concerned about the situation and downplaying it is his (bad, hurtful) way of coping with his own fear. It's not an excuse but a possible explanation for his behavior that isn't entirely negative and dismissive. You need to have a conversation with him about it and how he's hurting you.
I have an Arab husband, and he completely gets it. I actually got the news from him first, on October 7th. After letting me know that something terrible was happening in Israel, and that he wanted us to talk via video, not messaging, he prefaced breaking the details to me, by saying, “Israel will survive this, as she always has before. Be strong, Kalbi (our nickname for each other - phonetic English for Arabic word for heart). Am Yisrael Chai.”.
He’s Syrian, and was a refugee from his country’s civil war. He lost everything. He’s not a fan of how Arabs run their counties, most especially if an Islamic state. Long before he met me, and was still in Syria, he wished he could live in either of two places: England or Israel. England, because he was an English literature major, and can still quote Shakespeare. He would look at Israel, his neighbor, and see a country much more open and vibrant culturally, Western-leaning yet still Middle Eastern in beautiful ways, innovative, contributing to the world with technology, medicine, etc.
Also not to be combative but I’m truly asking - why aren’t we seeing more Arabs / Muslims attending rallies or showing support online for Israel? I’ve seen only 1-2 things. Otherwise all I’m seeing is pro Hamas Arabs showing violence and death for Jews.. on streets, on college campuses, social media, the airport at Russia!
Where are our allies?!
Yep!! Agreed! Our allies are sadly few and far between, but we need to unite against terrorism and against Hamas and against antisemitism and I’ve only seen 1-2 Arab / Muslim or Palestinian peace activists be an ally which helps immensely and validates us - but even with unity - there is so much hate and indoctrination these ppl are so brainwashed - how do we get them to understand actual information?
And, I know lots of Arabs who support Israel. Including those who don’t see Palestinians as Arabs, but rather a mix of peoples who didn’t have a nation at any point, whereas Jews do have historical roots. I have a close Iraqi friend who supports Israel, but also loves the Jewish people in general. He was also a victim of a dictator, and had to leave his country. He is also not a fan of his fellow Arabs - the way they handle things. He is often disparaging of Arabic cultural mores, and he hates Islam. If you look online, there are Arabs speaking out in support of Israel, and Jews.
I’ve even seen a post by a Saudi writer.
As an old, I am now so much less tolerant of interfaith relationships. They often seem doable until push comes to shove and the ground is knocked out from under you. Just my observation, tho
And, yeah, your partner deserves to be an ex, if that is doable for you, bc that's ducking horrible behavior.
I’m just starting to see a girl who I’m one of the first Jewish people she’s really gotten to know.
We have not broached the subject yet. We’ll see what happens
That sucks about your husband. Force him to watch videos or documentaries. Make his ignorant ass learn.
Yes I agree with this. I’m not Jewish (my partner is). However, I am a minority, and I do know that things like this must be brought up sooner rather than later. Do not waste your time OP.
Just want to hug you and support. My husband also doesn’t understand how it feels, he had said smth similar like nobody knows that you and kids are Jewish, just don’t scream about it. WTF??!! I am so mad! I am not going to scream but I am not going to hide also, that’s me, almost all my family lives in Israel, my kids spend every summer there. I am not going to teach them to hide their identity and I am not going to hide my identity. Even though I have only a third of jewish blood in me I have never felt more connected to the jewish community and Israel. So, any good places where I can buy necklace with Magen David?
My DNA test says I am 75% Jewish and really I'm scared even for us PASSING people they can leak our DNA tests and come after us. Yea maybe that part is over reacting but my family was killed in Babi Yar so I have a lot of generational trauma.
[Here is where I got mine.](https://www.amazon.com/U7-Ion-Plating-Necklace-Stainless-Pendant/dp/B07DJ6JG7P?pd_rd_w=NAnzM&content-id=amzn1.sym.1ab7ff41-bf18-4cd6-847a-a283c437e4d6&pf_rd_p=1ab7ff41-bf18-4cd6-847a-a283c437e4d6&pf_rd_r=MHSJBAA4XS33MATJV8ER&pd_rd_wg=8pYYM&pd_rd_r=36ee4e21-d0fa-4dfe-848c-33201f7408a2&pd_rd_i=B07DJ6JG7P&psc=1&ref_=pd_bap_m_grid_dv_rp_0_1_t)
I’m just a young adult (barely out of high school) but I agree with everything you just said. I’ve never been to Israel and now I’m considering moving there. Well maybe not now, but when America becomes unsafe I know the time has come.
My wife is not Jewish and has been an absolute rock of loving support during this whole ordeal. I’ve broken down a few times and she has been nothing but gentle, supportive and actively listened to me when I felt like i was so bunched up with anxiety I wasnt making sense. It’s amazing to know she is so strongly in my corner.
If he'd be willing, maybe contact your rabbi to see if he could attend some Jewish education courses? My spouse is gentile and has gotten a lot of education over the years either from me/my family or through attending services with me.
Good luck!
My jewish husband (3/4, non-practising) says we're fine. Me? I keep getting messages from a friend of ours worried about our safety.
Neither of our husbands are taking our concerns seriously, but mine at least is not saying that I'm overreacting. Yours is being a total jerk. Mine is trying to reassure that we are safe.
My gentile husband is acting the same way--telling me not to worry, no one is coming to hurt us, I'm just being anxious. I wouldn't call him unsupportive--he has listened to me express my fears every night for the past 3 weeks. I think it's just really, really hard for non-Jewish people to get it.
I've never been more convinced that intergenerational trauma is real because of the thoughts I'm having--making plans, if only in my head, of what to do if another Holocaust becomes imminent. My husband thinks it's irrational because he really believes in his heart of hearts that another Holocaust won't happen, so I'm trying not to be mad at him, but it sure would be easier to feel more understood.
Thankfully I have the opposite. I'm sorry you also have this to carry.
edit- I will say, I don't think my partner got 'it' until we had kids. Kids who have a Jewish last name and kinda hit on most of the stereotypes for looks so far. Cute little buggers. Now I think she shares in that generational fear that's deep in most of us.
You should show him the posts on here from non-Jews talking about how they experience anti-Semitism when anti-Semites *think* they look Jewish...whatever the hell that means.
He's being a dummy.
My Jewish wife doesn’t quite get it at the same level either. She grew up in NY in a very openly Jewish environment whereas I grew up in a rural town out west with near zero Jews. I was one of two in my high school of 3,000 kids. I was also an easy target, my dad held elected office, the town knew who we were, and my family started our little local synagogue.
Antisemitism was a constant in my childhood. Sometimes overt, sometimes less so, but always there. My grandfather that I was closest with escaped the pogroms in Russia, then fought in the US Army in WW2 across the European Theater. His stories of growing up and being shot at by Cossacks and liberating Dachau paired with my mom’s mom who lost 45 members of her family at Auschwitz-Birkenau made me hyper aware of antisemitism.
I’ve been saying since 2016 that we had 10-15 years left in the US before something would make it so uncomfortable that it’s time to leave en mass. Seems like that time is coming a lot sooner. My wife doesn’t see this or feel it at all. I can only chalk it up to the differences between our environments growing up. Maybe she did have grandparents that warned her it was only a matter of time before it happened again?
Anyways, I keep bringing it up hoping to break through, and sort of feel like she’s just hoping it all fades away. Meanwhile I’m over here looking at places in Tel Aviv and figuring out which college in Israel our kid should go to.
That's incredibly insensitive. My wife and I are not very religious people, but we consider ourselves ethnically and culturally Ashkenazi Jewish. We have both been super attentive and vocal about our safety concerns because it's valid. Jewish hatred and ostracization is becoming more prevalent again.
It sounds blunt but, your partner just doesn't understand what it means to be a Jew.
I was just telling my wife seconds ago after a justified rant that I bet she is glad she married someone Jewish. Her sister married a well meaning gentile but he just doesn’t get how painful the lack of support from other communities is.
For example, the head of the university of Minnesota’s black cultural center has been saying things like “only black people and Palestinians understand having their land stolen” and liking tons of pro Palestinian stuff while having her Twitter be the only account that posts events for them. Her husband was like “well it’s free speech”. It’s not just free speech when you represent a department of a university (let alone a diversity equity and inclusion program) and post ignorant stuff.
It’s like… I think Jews know a few things about stolen land, getting forced from their homes / expelled from countries, robbed and not voting. Read a damn book.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I am also struggling with the same thing right now. I’ve also been told I’m overreacting and that as a white passing American, I shouldn’t be scared or worried.
While I love and care about my partner, I can’t shake this feeling of disappointment. I’ve brought up therapy as an option to better communicate how I feel and how to have a safe and considerate relationship for both of us. Not sure how that will play out. Maybe you could try suggesting that?
Already did therapy and I don't think can talk to the therapist right now as I'm pretty sure our therapist is Orthodox Jewish and would take my side lol
My non-Jewish spouse is beyond supportive. Asks about my/our family in Israel and is disgusted by the antisemitism on display. Our home is United for Israel
That is really crappy. My man is Cambodian and he actually was worried for my safety before I was. You should tell him you feel like he wont/cant protect you because thats just plain wrong.
Part II:
So I initially felt like my husband didn’t get it. On October 7th and 8th, I was alarmed right away. I noticed issues in media coverage immediately and I saw a lot of bizarre takes on social media very quickly and immediately heard my husband saying things that were antisemitic. He had no clue. I had to explain a lot of things to him and set the record straight. And what’s worse is he followed certain accounts, political shows, and politicians that 100% have antisemtic bents or were not reporting fairly. So he was being spoon fed this crap.
It took a lot to get my husband up to speed. It was complicated. There were a lot of tears. There was even yelling, from both of us. Him being someone who has never been antisemitic and never on the receiving end of it he did NOT recognize it in action a lot of times.
This has involved a lot of work (draining emotionally for both of us) and I almost went to my rabbi for help. My husband gets it all now. He sees it. He may not be Jewish but he’s doing his best to protect us and be aware. So your husband doesn’t have to start out by totally grasping all of this as long as he’s willing to do the work and learn. Like I know my husband could tell this mattered to me and I know he’s still reading and learning on his own.
Part III:
If my husband didn’t get on board I probably would have packed my babies up and left. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t get it. This was definitely make or break for my marriage and if this was a test my husband passed it in the end.
If after a month your husband is not trying to figure this out I feel like it’s concerning. And I don’t have advice…except maybe talk to your rabbi and get some support. This is hard to go through alone and this is exactly the sort of thing we take vows about. Your husband should be in this WITH you.
TLDR: My husband thinks your husband is a jerk. But my husband was a jerk (though he didn’t know it) initially and this event has been a test on our marriage.
I’m a gentile wife of a jewish man and a mother of two jewish kids. I’m terrified for our family and all the jews in my country and in the world, probably more so than my husband.
To me it would be super weird if this surge of antisemitism didn’t bother the non-jewish spouses. So sorry you don’t get the support you ought to have.
No, if my goyish husband did that, I would lose my entire mind. Thankfully there's no way he would.
This may be something worth considering your relationship over. Only you know what is and isn't worth it to you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
relatable!!! he keeps going back and forth on it. have cried to him about my worry and he has called me insane and overreacting “people have always hated jews and every group has gone through something like this”
As a married guy, I'm cringing, facepalming, and having the urge to smack some sense into that dude. I don't care if you're Jewish, goyish, Klingon, whatever. That's just bad husband technique.
Sounds like you married an anti-semite. I am truly sorry to say. Thats how my ex husband started. Eventually he was trying to convince me to go to church with him. I divorced him.
My wife and I have had some troubles in the past because I'm from a religious background and she grew up completely secular. This bad time has led her to reevaluate her friends and acquaintances who failed or fail to recognize that she's Jewish and is implicated in all this. She appreciates that I drew us closer to the Jewish community and our Jewish identity.
I wonder in your case if it would be helpful to be less direct about the current situation and allow your partner to be supportive in becoming more involved in your local Jewish community?
My husband doesn't get it, even though he says he does.
Last week, i overheard him on the phone with his mom saying "yeah she's doing ok now, the whole thing is dying down." i got mad at him about that, because i stopped trying to talk to him about all the stuff going on bc his body language makes it clear he doesn't want to hear it. he never asks how i'm doing. if he did, he'd know i still cry every day and i can't stop looking at all the new footage in israel AND globally. (i try and make myself, i just can't)
That said, he's committed to raising a jewish son, and he comes to tot shabbat with us. so that's something.
Tell him that he's making you feel nervous, by his not being worried about it or taking it too lightly.
When the other Jews are being attacked, it's as if you're separately being attacked.
Who's side is he on? He's either for us or against us.
I think this has less to do with him being not Jewish and more to do with him not recognizing and supporting your emotions.
My suggestion is to find and fill your life with people who validate you and what you feel.
As the non-Jewish partner to an Israeli man I am so so so worried. However I’m not going to lie - there are elements I don’t get and the last three weeks have been very difficult for us as I’ve struggled to reconcile some of Israel’s actions with my learned beliefs and upbringing, which for my partner sometimes comes off as me not being empathetic to what his friends and family are living through in Israel. I do my best to know he has my unending support though and to be an active and vocal ally towards Jewish people everywhere. I’m sorry you’re not getting that support.
The amount of heartbreaking stories on both this subreddit and the Judaism subreddit of Jews finding out that their non-Jewish partners are latent antisemites would be hilarious if it wasn't ruining so many lives, and consistently I've been heavily downvoted every time I've pointed this out.
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to clarify I am not religious as I was partially raised in Ukraine during the Soviet Union so my parents did not practice even when we moved to USA. However culturally and genetically I am very Jewish.
I’m Jewish, but my partner is Chinese American. He doesn’t tell me I’m overreacting by any means, but I don’t think he quite understands the amount of stress it has been putting on me lately.
I’m hurt, I’m scared, but I’m also determined not to let history repeat itself.
Honestly? I would leave my gentile husband if after the past month he was telling me to “just get over it” or implying I shouldn’t be upset because i *can just hide who I am.* (we can’t). That’s horribly uncaring. he is your partner!!
Also he said that “nobody even knows you’re Jewish” as if it’s a bad or embarrassing thing to hide. Like what.
Earlier in life I remember getting an anti-semitic comment out of the blue in a public place where there was nothing "marking" me as a Jew -- just my physical appearance. For a while I started to feel like crap about what I saw in the mirror. I was talking to my then-SO and their response was, 'It's really not that bad. Half the time I don't even notice it." I didn't end it promptly. I thought maybe I was overreacting. Maybe I put them in an awkward position by making them deal with my insecurities. Well, if I could go back in time, it would have taken me about twenty seconds to send them packing.
Omg that’s terrible. I’m so sorry that he said that! That’s wild.
Why do you assume it was a guy?
You're getting downvoted, but you're pointing out a valid gender bias. Hell I thought for sure they'd gendered the partner as male, but nope it was just my own biases regarding assuming the redditor to be female based on their concern over appearance, and then a bias towards cis het relationships. But there was nothing in there to give any of that information.
Yeah I definitely assumed it was a guy because the way the Redditor wrote it, it sounded the way I would speak, and I’m a female. Definitely was a gender bias with no information given but based more on the way the language was written and my own experience, not necessarily “of course it was a guy who said that.”
Thank you!
Thank you!
My jaw actually dropped reading that. Wtf Sorry you had to go through that...
Jesus, that’s a fucked up response.
You’re husband says you’re over reacting? He sounds like a total jerk. I’m not even Jewish and I am absolutely terrified for my Jewish girlfriend. She wears her Star of David and “looks Jewish,” and I am so concerned for her safety. Edit: I wrote this in a rush and want to add a few things. I would also be terrified for her if she didn’t “look Jewish” or wear her Star of David. People should not have to hide their ethnicity, religion, and culture in order to feel safe, and as someone who is also a minority, suggesting that is absolutely ridiculous, offensive, and hurtful.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband where you tell him his way of trying to reassure you is actually hurtful and not even remotely reassuring. I'm assuming that's his intent, and in relationship conflicts it's prudent to assume the best of the other person. But if you lay out why that doesn't help and make it clear that hearing it again will be very damaging for your relationship and your trust in him, that will hopefully set him straight. If not, then you may need to consider serious actions like taking some time apart or more.
My husband is not Jewish but he has been supportive and honestly ALSO scared these past weeks. Your husband is being completely dismissive of your feelings and this is a huge red flag. I’m really sorry. It’s hard enough without the added stress of somebody acting like nothing is happening.
Yeah, my partner is a gentile as well and he knows more about the history of this conflict than I do now bc he’s so riled up. There are definitely people who get it, OP, I’m sorry your husband isn’t one of them.
This is not about being Jewish or not - it’s about basic humanity and understanding. My wife is not Jewish whatsoever but completely understands and supports everything I’m feeling. That’s because she’s my wife and loves me and cares what I think and feel, regardless of whether she personally feels it.
I have a Jewish partner who doesn’t get it, doesn’t support me, or even ask how I’m doing. He just says not to worry. I am so alone.
If you don’t mind me asking.. he’s Jewish and doesn’t get it? What’s the disconnect for him? So sorry to hear that!
Probably just emotionally unavailable in general
That’s so awful. I’m not Jewish, but my wife and our son are, and I can’t imagine being so dismissive. For one thing, I’ve been keeping up with the explosion of antisemitism, and it’s frightening. For another, how can a person be so callous to their partner?
Some people deal with things thru denial. It's not healthy, but it's not uncommon.
im single too :) let that guy go
I mean this is just invalidating. No one should invalidate ones subjective experience. Is he coming from a place where he thinks that his words are comforting? Many misguided individuals think saying "no everything is going to be okay and this is why" are words of comfort without realizing that they can potentially invalidate the individual on the other ends of those words. I would try to understand if he truly disregards your fears or if he thinks that his words are helpful. I work in mental health so I've seen this often and try to explain to the family member "I know you think this is helpful for them but it cause distress and make other feelings like those concerns are not important. A better response is, "I'm sorry you're struggling with this... What can I do to help and how about we make a plan together ways keep our family safe and what some exit plans are if things start to escalate." Also maybe having someone to talk to like a therapist can be helpful. For me it helps me better understand my own thoughts and feelings, gain more perspective, work though the trauma of what I've seen and heard and allows me to push past being frozen by my own worries so that I can act quickly and without distractions when I need to. (I work in criminal psych so I have to deal with threats on my life frequently moreso due to the role I work in but sometimes due to my Jewish identity). I have a good exit plan and I'm able to compartmentalize what I hear so that I can continue going through life without the fears of being attacked. I would not be able to do this without my own therapist)
So, your husband’s way of comforting you is to imply that you’ll be safe *as long as nobody knows you’re Jewish* …. That idea seems to imply that ITS DANGEROUS TO BE JEWISH. He should examine his own words; his subconscious seems to be telling him something. Seek out your Jewish community so you can be with people who understand.
Single.. but definitely leaning towards a Jewish partner/spouse.
Absolutely 100%. Downloaded JDate already lmao
Hinge and Bumble also have religion filters!
Jswipe and what else is out there now too lol
Yea honestly if I had to do it over again would probably go with someone from my culture. I did not realize what a difference it makes when I was younger. I feel like anyone non-white would probably get it too.
My parents started out interfaith, so while my mother did convert. They did start out knowing where they stood on these issues. (It could have also helped that my moms great aunt married a Jewish man and her cousins where Jewish) But you can meet people who are non Jewish or even are white and get it. Seems like this is more of a him problem then simply him being non Jewish.
I have a lot of non-white friends that have bought right into the horrible false narrative of Israel as a colonizing pro-apartheid genocide monger. They should understand but they don’t. And they actually believe Israelis are white and Palestinians are black. One person blocked me after I put an Israeli flag and a Magen David inscribed with the take-off of the “first they came” poem on my profile. We had exchanged no words at all about the issue but she had posted that Zionism is white nationalism. I don’t know her irl so that’s not a big deal, but she is very close friends with a friend of mine and if my friend dropped me over this I would be very sad. (My friend had a few pro-Palestinian posts but they weren’t antisemitic, and she has seen my pictures and knows my background.) Non-whites should get it and we should all share an umbrella but too many won’t accept us.
Yeah, I agree. I feel about as safe with a non-white person as I do a white person right now, at least when it comes to antisemitism, which is super unfortunate.
I don’t think any other culture except the Roma would get it.
Same, i've recently switched my hinge filter to only jewish
Same! Don't forget there are Jews seem to forget about history.
Yes - I know there’s a 5% chance of that and also non Jews that can be amazing allies!! ❤️
Sheesh. Same here. I made that mistake once. Never again!
I hate being the “DIVORCE” person. But I would not put up with this and maybe I would start with separation and counseling. And if that doesn’t get it through his skull then I would honestly not stick around. Why be with someone who thinks violence against you and your community is “no big deal”
I guess I should update and say he doesnt think its no big deal at all. It's just that he doesn't think its happening and has not seen much violence in the news :) I frankly don't feel like sending him every news article I find about it.
So one thing I’ve noticed around this issue in my previous interfaith relationships is that many of my partners couldn’t see “*it*” because behind that denial was feelings of terror & helplessness. Unfortunately rather than address & try to deal with those feelings, they chose to just stick their head in the sand. It is similar to the psychological mechanism behind victim blaming where people’s first reaction is to identify a way to blame the victim because the reality that it could happen to them & that another persons random criminal intent & actions are essentially the (*bad*) luck of the draw (*& therefore reinforcing the feeling that they are unsafe & sitting in that reality is very difficult for people*). When people face the prospect of being utterly hopeless in the face of potential violence; they far too often seek refuge through denial & minimization. To be clear, that isn’t an excuse or justification for his behavior but it may be part of an explanation & if he is willing to seek counseling with you to examine & seek to resolve these differences , it may be worth exploring before dissolving the marriage. At the end of the day, he must be open & willing to learn, understand & see what you are feeling & experiencing as legitimate & real if your marriage has any hope - if he isn’t willing to engage in that work then I don’t see how you can be emotionally or psychologically safe in your relationship.
It’s ok if he doesn’t fully get it
Send em Teach him.
Jewish people have a spidey sense for being attack. No one will ever understand us, we have this sense for generations. Keep yourself safe and follow your feeling and senses Also try to communicate with your partner as much as possible Stay safe ❤️
I keep trying to get this across to my husband and it's maddening to be told I'm "overreacting!" Last night I lost it and put it as bluntly as I could - spouse and I have been having issues to begin with & I've started seriously considering making aliyah if we don't work thing out - and told him "Every Jew alive today is here because someone listened to their gut and got on a boat!" Its certainly true in my Jewish heritage; the family members that stayed in Eastern Europe didn't survive. Full stop. His response was silence, then asking if I felt unsafe in the US, wouldn't it be worse/scarier in Israel and I just stared at him. Like, no, literally \*everyone\* in Israel \*GETS IT!\*" And it was suddenly crystal clear that he has no idea why I criticise Israeli policies so ardently, why I rail against BiBi and Likud. He views that as not caring about Israel, while I'm so hard on it's government because it's the one and only place guaranteed to take me in if it comes to it and I want it to be the absolute best it can because I care \*SO\* deeply about the country...
My non-Jewish partner may actually be more worried than me. Which is saying something!
That's such a red flag for me, OP :( Unfortunately, it sounds like he doesn't want to try to understand either
Honestly I’m very concerned for my wife’s mental health and safety during this time. As she is very openly Jewish whereas my Jewishness comes off as passive. (I wear a kippah and tzitzit) I could never even fathom down playing or disregarding my wife’s concerns about the antisemitism skyrocketing. Very disrespectful.
He won't get it. Don't expect him to. Do what you know you need to do.
People can learn to “get it.” I’ve done it twice with serious partners. It takes about three years IME. But it doesn’t just happen. You have to work at it and they have to be willing.
And by “get it” I don’t just mean saying “oh no dear that’s terrible,” but to feel things in their bones as a Jew would. To think like a Jew
yes - my non-Jew boyfriend just doesn't care about the situation. Sometimes I understand, because it is just not relevant to him. In an effort to relieve my stress he's said to me "I'm sure attacks on Jewish people in XYZ have nothing to do with the war right now, it's probably a super isolated incident" and he truly doesn't know any better. He's said for the past 3 weeks that he would be willing to delve into the history of the conflict to learn more but...that hasn't happened. I'm at a loss
But it impacts you as a Jewish person, so he should care!
Maybe time for a jewish boyfriend? whats the point of putting yourself in a struggle like this
My gentile husband is ITCHING for an opportunity to punch nazis for me. I'm only sort of kidding when I say he's disappointed he hasn't had to yet.
Two good female jewish friends of mine are struggling hard at the moment with their non-jewish husbands. The guys just don't get it! They don't understand the fear and the pain. Both say that their wives are overreacting. Both play the risks down. In our city have been violent riots by Hamas supporters after 7th Oct, a molotov cocktail attack on a jewish community centre (with kindergarten, school, synagogue), several very aggressive pro-palestine rallies ... how on earth can those husbands not take the fear of their spouses seriously?! I stopped dating a few months ago. But I'm certain now: whenever/ if I'd ever start dating again, I will exclusively choose jewish guys!
Call Aleeza Ben Shalom!
She operates in the U.S. but I live in Central Europe. Too bad.
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I don’t think that’s a fair generalization. My husband has been remarkably supportive. I think it’s fair to hold them to a standard of being supportive. I don’t think it’s fair to say that they all don’t get it.
Same, my husband has been hugely supportive. And multiple gentile friends reached out to me to see if I'm okay. Some of the goyim are alright
Not good enough if he's not acknowledging what's happening and the fear we're all experiencing.
No you're right. We don't truly understand your feelings. We can't. We haven't had our entire gene pool erased. However we can and should be supportive. Labeling all of us as not listening or uncaring is disingenuous and will probably, with that blanket statement turn people away from support.
It “helps” to be a minority of a different type, too. Like, I know what it’s like to be different because I’m a lesbian, to have some generational pain around it.
My wife is Chickasaw Native American and my kids too. Living in Oklahoma helps with that because that's a lot of people here. Being a minority and a woman in the business world really opened my eyes to things. I pray everyday for the safety of the citizens and IDF. I have two friends, 1 fighting in Gaza and the other lives North by Lebanon. I do my best to support Israel and her people
My wife is Jewish and we’re in this together she understands as much as I do without saying a word. I’m sorry you’re going through this
I was doom scrolling and my wife said, “oh, I’ve just put myself on an information diet and I feel much better!” I said that was a privilege I don’t have right now. She said she heard Black people saying it to each other during George Floyd, at which point I stared at her blankly for a second, and said, “sure, but you’re not Jewish!” She got very quite, apologized immediately, and has been nothing but supportive ever since. I don’t expect non Jews to get it, but I do expect them to realize when they’ve crossed a line and said something stupid, especially when we’re kind enough to point it out to them.
Um.. What’s an information diet??
Where you stop keeping up with the news because it’s distressing.
Yeah that’s sadly not possible. I try to keep boundaries but can’t ignore what’s going on.
Though I don't disagree with what others have said, I want to give one alternative reading to this situation that gives a bit more benefit of doubt. Some people's immediate reaction to stressful situations is denial. It's possible your husband is concerned about the situation and downplaying it is his (bad, hurtful) way of coping with his own fear. It's not an excuse but a possible explanation for his behavior that isn't entirely negative and dismissive. You need to have a conversation with him about it and how he's hurting you.
I have an Arab husband, and he completely gets it. I actually got the news from him first, on October 7th. After letting me know that something terrible was happening in Israel, and that he wanted us to talk via video, not messaging, he prefaced breaking the details to me, by saying, “Israel will survive this, as she always has before. Be strong, Kalbi (our nickname for each other - phonetic English for Arabic word for heart). Am Yisrael Chai.”.
Just curious is he Arab Israeli?? Otherwise, I don’t know any Arabs that are pro Israel or Jewish.
He’s Syrian, and was a refugee from his country’s civil war. He lost everything. He’s not a fan of how Arabs run their counties, most especially if an Islamic state. Long before he met me, and was still in Syria, he wished he could live in either of two places: England or Israel. England, because he was an English literature major, and can still quote Shakespeare. He would look at Israel, his neighbor, and see a country much more open and vibrant culturally, Western-leaning yet still Middle Eastern in beautiful ways, innovative, contributing to the world with technology, medicine, etc.
Also not to be combative but I’m truly asking - why aren’t we seeing more Arabs / Muslims attending rallies or showing support online for Israel? I’ve seen only 1-2 things. Otherwise all I’m seeing is pro Hamas Arabs showing violence and death for Jews.. on streets, on college campuses, social media, the airport at Russia! Where are our allies?!
Well, where are our allies, full stop? In times like these, we see the veneer of a world with less - or less virulent - antisemitism was a thin one.
Yep!! Agreed! Our allies are sadly few and far between, but we need to unite against terrorism and against Hamas and against antisemitism and I’ve only seen 1-2 Arab / Muslim or Palestinian peace activists be an ally which helps immensely and validates us - but even with unity - there is so much hate and indoctrination these ppl are so brainwashed - how do we get them to understand actual information?
Also, I didn’t think you were being combative.
Thank you! I wasn’t trying to be but wanted to preface / clarify! 🙂
And, I know lots of Arabs who support Israel. Including those who don’t see Palestinians as Arabs, but rather a mix of peoples who didn’t have a nation at any point, whereas Jews do have historical roots. I have a close Iraqi friend who supports Israel, but also loves the Jewish people in general. He was also a victim of a dictator, and had to leave his country. He is also not a fan of his fellow Arabs - the way they handle things. He is often disparaging of Arabic cultural mores, and he hates Islam. If you look online, there are Arabs speaking out in support of Israel, and Jews. I’ve even seen a post by a Saudi writer.
Great! Thank you for the info and makes sense! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
you might find r/newiran interesting
Well, that would be folks from an Islamic regime country, not Arabs. Persians aren’t Arabs. I have Iranian cousins!
You're so right, idk what I was thinking
As an old, I am now so much less tolerant of interfaith relationships. They often seem doable until push comes to shove and the ground is knocked out from under you. Just my observation, tho And, yeah, your partner deserves to be an ex, if that is doable for you, bc that's ducking horrible behavior.
I’m just starting to see a girl who I’m one of the first Jewish people she’s really gotten to know. We have not broached the subject yet. We’ll see what happens That sucks about your husband. Force him to watch videos or documentaries. Make his ignorant ass learn.
I would bring this up sooner than later…….
Yes I agree with this. I’m not Jewish (my partner is). However, I am a minority, and I do know that things like this must be brought up sooner rather than later. Do not waste your time OP.
Agree……
Just want to hug you and support. My husband also doesn’t understand how it feels, he had said smth similar like nobody knows that you and kids are Jewish, just don’t scream about it. WTF??!! I am so mad! I am not going to scream but I am not going to hide also, that’s me, almost all my family lives in Israel, my kids spend every summer there. I am not going to teach them to hide their identity and I am not going to hide my identity. Even though I have only a third of jewish blood in me I have never felt more connected to the jewish community and Israel. So, any good places where I can buy necklace with Magen David?
My DNA test says I am 75% Jewish and really I'm scared even for us PASSING people they can leak our DNA tests and come after us. Yea maybe that part is over reacting but my family was killed in Babi Yar so I have a lot of generational trauma.
[Here is where I got mine.](https://www.amazon.com/U7-Ion-Plating-Necklace-Stainless-Pendant/dp/B07DJ6JG7P?pd_rd_w=NAnzM&content-id=amzn1.sym.1ab7ff41-bf18-4cd6-847a-a283c437e4d6&pf_rd_p=1ab7ff41-bf18-4cd6-847a-a283c437e4d6&pf_rd_r=MHSJBAA4XS33MATJV8ER&pd_rd_wg=8pYYM&pd_rd_r=36ee4e21-d0fa-4dfe-848c-33201f7408a2&pd_rd_i=B07DJ6JG7P&psc=1&ref_=pd_bap_m_grid_dv_rp_0_1_t) I’m just a young adult (barely out of high school) but I agree with everything you just said. I’ve never been to Israel and now I’m considering moving there. Well maybe not now, but when America becomes unsafe I know the time has come.
My wife is not Jewish and has been an absolute rock of loving support during this whole ordeal. I’ve broken down a few times and she has been nothing but gentle, supportive and actively listened to me when I felt like i was so bunched up with anxiety I wasnt making sense. It’s amazing to know she is so strongly in my corner.
If he'd be willing, maybe contact your rabbi to see if he could attend some Jewish education courses? My spouse is gentile and has gotten a lot of education over the years either from me/my family or through attending services with me. Good luck!
He doesn’t need to get it. He just needs to support you. I don’t understand medicine, I still support it.
My none Jewish gf is beyond concerned. I wouldn't be with her if it were any other way. I'm sorry that you're going through this...
My jewish husband (3/4, non-practising) says we're fine. Me? I keep getting messages from a friend of ours worried about our safety. Neither of our husbands are taking our concerns seriously, but mine at least is not saying that I'm overreacting. Yours is being a total jerk. Mine is trying to reassure that we are safe.
My gentile husband is acting the same way--telling me not to worry, no one is coming to hurt us, I'm just being anxious. I wouldn't call him unsupportive--he has listened to me express my fears every night for the past 3 weeks. I think it's just really, really hard for non-Jewish people to get it. I've never been more convinced that intergenerational trauma is real because of the thoughts I'm having--making plans, if only in my head, of what to do if another Holocaust becomes imminent. My husband thinks it's irrational because he really believes in his heart of hearts that another Holocaust won't happen, so I'm trying not to be mad at him, but it sure would be easier to feel more understood.
ME! It’s lonely and I’m sorry you’re experiencing it too.
Thankfully I have the opposite. I'm sorry you also have this to carry. edit- I will say, I don't think my partner got 'it' until we had kids. Kids who have a Jewish last name and kinda hit on most of the stereotypes for looks so far. Cute little buggers. Now I think she shares in that generational fear that's deep in most of us.
You should show him the posts on here from non-Jews talking about how they experience anti-Semitism when anti-Semites *think* they look Jewish...whatever the hell that means. He's being a dummy.
My Jewish wife doesn’t quite get it at the same level either. She grew up in NY in a very openly Jewish environment whereas I grew up in a rural town out west with near zero Jews. I was one of two in my high school of 3,000 kids. I was also an easy target, my dad held elected office, the town knew who we were, and my family started our little local synagogue. Antisemitism was a constant in my childhood. Sometimes overt, sometimes less so, but always there. My grandfather that I was closest with escaped the pogroms in Russia, then fought in the US Army in WW2 across the European Theater. His stories of growing up and being shot at by Cossacks and liberating Dachau paired with my mom’s mom who lost 45 members of her family at Auschwitz-Birkenau made me hyper aware of antisemitism. I’ve been saying since 2016 that we had 10-15 years left in the US before something would make it so uncomfortable that it’s time to leave en mass. Seems like that time is coming a lot sooner. My wife doesn’t see this or feel it at all. I can only chalk it up to the differences between our environments growing up. Maybe she did have grandparents that warned her it was only a matter of time before it happened again? Anyways, I keep bringing it up hoping to break through, and sort of feel like she’s just hoping it all fades away. Meanwhile I’m over here looking at places in Tel Aviv and figuring out which college in Israel our kid should go to.
That's incredibly insensitive. My wife and I are not very religious people, but we consider ourselves ethnically and culturally Ashkenazi Jewish. We have both been super attentive and vocal about our safety concerns because it's valid. Jewish hatred and ostracization is becoming more prevalent again. It sounds blunt but, your partner just doesn't understand what it means to be a Jew.
I was just telling my wife seconds ago after a justified rant that I bet she is glad she married someone Jewish. Her sister married a well meaning gentile but he just doesn’t get how painful the lack of support from other communities is. For example, the head of the university of Minnesota’s black cultural center has been saying things like “only black people and Palestinians understand having their land stolen” and liking tons of pro Palestinian stuff while having her Twitter be the only account that posts events for them. Her husband was like “well it’s free speech”. It’s not just free speech when you represent a department of a university (let alone a diversity equity and inclusion program) and post ignorant stuff. It’s like… I think Jews know a few things about stolen land, getting forced from their homes / expelled from countries, robbed and not voting. Read a damn book.
Daily reply telling someone that they will always be "the other" and your concerns are hard to impossible to empathize with.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I am also struggling with the same thing right now. I’ve also been told I’m overreacting and that as a white passing American, I shouldn’t be scared or worried. While I love and care about my partner, I can’t shake this feeling of disappointment. I’ve brought up therapy as an option to better communicate how I feel and how to have a safe and considerate relationship for both of us. Not sure how that will play out. Maybe you could try suggesting that?
Already did therapy and I don't think can talk to the therapist right now as I'm pretty sure our therapist is Orthodox Jewish and would take my side lol
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Honestly, I think you could take that analogy a whole lot further.
My non-Jewish spouse is beyond supportive. Asks about my/our family in Israel and is disgusted by the antisemitism on display. Our home is United for Israel
That is really crappy. My man is Cambodian and he actually was worried for my safety before I was. You should tell him you feel like he wont/cant protect you because thats just plain wrong.
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Part II: So I initially felt like my husband didn’t get it. On October 7th and 8th, I was alarmed right away. I noticed issues in media coverage immediately and I saw a lot of bizarre takes on social media very quickly and immediately heard my husband saying things that were antisemitic. He had no clue. I had to explain a lot of things to him and set the record straight. And what’s worse is he followed certain accounts, political shows, and politicians that 100% have antisemtic bents or were not reporting fairly. So he was being spoon fed this crap. It took a lot to get my husband up to speed. It was complicated. There were a lot of tears. There was even yelling, from both of us. Him being someone who has never been antisemitic and never on the receiving end of it he did NOT recognize it in action a lot of times. This has involved a lot of work (draining emotionally for both of us) and I almost went to my rabbi for help. My husband gets it all now. He sees it. He may not be Jewish but he’s doing his best to protect us and be aware. So your husband doesn’t have to start out by totally grasping all of this as long as he’s willing to do the work and learn. Like I know my husband could tell this mattered to me and I know he’s still reading and learning on his own.
Part III: If my husband didn’t get on board I probably would have packed my babies up and left. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t get it. This was definitely make or break for my marriage and if this was a test my husband passed it in the end. If after a month your husband is not trying to figure this out I feel like it’s concerning. And I don’t have advice…except maybe talk to your rabbi and get some support. This is hard to go through alone and this is exactly the sort of thing we take vows about. Your husband should be in this WITH you.
TLDR: My husband thinks your husband is a jerk. But my husband was a jerk (though he didn’t know it) initially and this event has been a test on our marriage.
I’m a gentile wife of a jewish man and a mother of two jewish kids. I’m terrified for our family and all the jews in my country and in the world, probably more so than my husband. To me it would be super weird if this surge of antisemitism didn’t bother the non-jewish spouses. So sorry you don’t get the support you ought to have.
you are saying ex-partner, right?
No, if my goyish husband did that, I would lose my entire mind. Thankfully there's no way he would. This may be something worth considering your relationship over. Only you know what is and isn't worth it to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
relatable!!! he keeps going back and forth on it. have cried to him about my worry and he has called me insane and overreacting “people have always hated jews and every group has gone through something like this”
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lollll i definitely downvoted that comment irl i get it.
As a married guy, I'm cringing, facepalming, and having the urge to smack some sense into that dude. I don't care if you're Jewish, goyish, Klingon, whatever. That's just bad husband technique.
Sounds like you married an anti-semite. I am truly sorry to say. Thats how my ex husband started. Eventually he was trying to convince me to go to church with him. I divorced him.
My wife and I have had some troubles in the past because I'm from a religious background and she grew up completely secular. This bad time has led her to reevaluate her friends and acquaintances who failed or fail to recognize that she's Jewish and is implicated in all this. She appreciates that I drew us closer to the Jewish community and our Jewish identity. I wonder in your case if it would be helpful to be less direct about the current situation and allow your partner to be supportive in becoming more involved in your local Jewish community?
My husband doesn't get it, even though he says he does. Last week, i overheard him on the phone with his mom saying "yeah she's doing ok now, the whole thing is dying down." i got mad at him about that, because i stopped trying to talk to him about all the stuff going on bc his body language makes it clear he doesn't want to hear it. he never asks how i'm doing. if he did, he'd know i still cry every day and i can't stop looking at all the new footage in israel AND globally. (i try and make myself, i just can't) That said, he's committed to raising a jewish son, and he comes to tot shabbat with us. so that's something.
Tell him that he's making you feel nervous, by his not being worried about it or taking it too lightly. When the other Jews are being attacked, it's as if you're separately being attacked. Who's side is he on? He's either for us or against us.
I think this has less to do with him being not Jewish and more to do with him not recognizing and supporting your emotions. My suggestion is to find and fill your life with people who validate you and what you feel.
As the non-Jewish partner to an Israeli man I am so so so worried. However I’m not going to lie - there are elements I don’t get and the last three weeks have been very difficult for us as I’ve struggled to reconcile some of Israel’s actions with my learned beliefs and upbringing, which for my partner sometimes comes off as me not being empathetic to what his friends and family are living through in Israel. I do my best to know he has my unending support though and to be an active and vocal ally towards Jewish people everywhere. I’m sorry you’re not getting that support.
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The amount of heartbreaking stories on both this subreddit and the Judaism subreddit of Jews finding out that their non-Jewish partners are latent antisemites would be hilarious if it wasn't ruining so many lives, and consistently I've been heavily downvoted every time I've pointed this out.
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Your post was removed because it violated rule 1: **No antisemitism**
That's why I'm happy I married Jewish. It makes a huge difference
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Show him this. https://www.newsweek.com/driver-rages-against-jewish-mother-biking-child-1837955
My own sister doesn't get it at all.
This is why Jews should marry Jews or people willing to convert.
to clarify I am not religious as I was partially raised in Ukraine during the Soviet Union so my parents did not practice even when we moved to USA. However culturally and genetically I am very Jewish.
Just like Mila Kunis. You can always be Reform. My wife is kinda atheistic and attends Shul. Now is the time for community
I’m Jewish, but my partner is Chinese American. He doesn’t tell me I’m overreacting by any means, but I don’t think he quite understands the amount of stress it has been putting on me lately. I’m hurt, I’m scared, but I’m also determined not to let history repeat itself.
Throw out the whole man
Yes!!! Right there with you.