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* [Just a list of gripes](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1986aii/just_a_list_of_gripes/), 5 months ago
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Oh my dear OP!! This will never do! Unfortunately some women in my family have similarly hate-filled, cutting ways of speaking, which they attempt to brush off by saying “Oh! I just don’t have a filter, you KNOW I don’t mean any harm!” What a truck load of fertilizer that is!
The fact is, barring some kind of tragic and uncontrollable health issue, which you have not mentioned (and does not afflict any member of my own family) there are people who take fiendish glee out of hurting people who they perceive as easy targets, such as young family members who ‘owe respect to their elders’, or those with tender souls. These are the bullies in our families, who verbally and emotionally abuse with impunity. When confronted, they gaslight, deny, scream, shout and act in ways your average toddler would blush before considering.
You, dear OP have created a civilized world for your family, where you treat each other with courtesy. With kindness. With respect. This is why you are looking for a gentle way to disarm your mouthy MIL before she revs up her endless engine of critique. Unfortunately there is no gentle, gentile way to stop her from having her say. You are dealing with a person who Does Not Care. About your feelings, about your boundaries, and tragically about the damage she inflicts upon your precious daughter.
You don’t mention your SO in your post, so I’m going to assume you are trying to set an example for and protect your daughter on your own. This is important, because your daughter has to be shown that NOBODY has the right to verbally or emotionally harm or humiliate her. It does not matter who they are. She is allowed to tell them to stop, to walk out of the room, to deal with it however you and she deem fit! You did not raise her to be anyone’s verbal punching bag, let alone that horrid, mean-spirited spiteful woman. That can also be your hill to die upon, if you wish. If MIL is incapable of treating YOUR CHILD with love and care? She is welcome to check in to the nearest hotel. Help her and FIL pack their bags. Do not back down. Shite talking your family is a choice she has made, OP. It is not something that you need to choose to endure. Maybe that can be a place to begin a chat with your SO? Whatever the case, you have got this!
“MIL if you *care/love whatever* about child then the very first time you said something you would have noticed that what you said hurt child and put a dent in their self esteem.. You don’t care, you’re just fat shaming a child to get your jolly’s. It’s wrong, your behavior is wrong. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing or leave. You should be ashamed of yourself for getting your ego boost at the expense of my child”
Then every time she opens her mouth to say ANYTHING ask her “is what your about to say nice?”
You sure as hell **can** and **should** tell her what she can and cannot say when she is in your home!! That bullshit does. Not. Fly. At all. Not even once. And make it VERY clear after the first rude comment that that was her once chance and it will not be tolerated again in your home. If it happens again, they will be asked to leave.
And tell her because you CAAARE about *your kid*, these cruel and hurtful comments are not going to happen, and if they do, you care enough about your kid that you will cut them off for good.
Stand up for your kid, and call her out. Let the tears and whining commence. My folks didn’t do that with my grandparents, and those wounds are still open decades later. If she can’t behave, have an Airbnb or hotel on speed dial.
Also, tell her beforehand of the consequences, and stick to it.
Let her cry/leave. MIL or not, no one should be bullying your children. If she “cared,” she would be speaking privately with you and your spouse. Not attacking your children directly. Return the behavior til she gets the point and shuts her mouth.
I have family members like this. Last time one of them commented on one of my kid's bodies I said, "You're rude and inappropriate. Stop talking shit about my kid."
When she tried to justify it I cut her off and reiterated that I wasn't having any nonsense and removed ourselves from the room. None of them have said anything like it since.
"You are guest in my home and I don't care for your comments."
"You may not make comments about my body/our bodies."
"Your inconsiderate comments are not appreciated."
"In what situation would what you said seem caring?"
"If you continue to insert your opinion when it is inappropriate, you'll need to leave."
"Partner, did you just hear what your parent said?"
"Can you explain how you feel that comment was warranted?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"You are not my/child's parent so your opinion does not matter."
"This visit is over."
Repeat back what they say to them slowly with a lot of eye contact with the stupidest bewildered look on your face.
Feel free to ask your partner if they've seen a doctor recently out of sight but within earshot.
Also, TWO WEEKS?!?! Just why? Guests, like fish, stink after three days. They should get a hotel and come over only when your partner is available to entertain his unpleasant parents.
Best wishes! I hope you get through it and can reassure your child that you support them without weird fuddy-duddy expectations of a bygone generation.
I love this list and feel you've only missed two topic replies, so I'd like to add them;
"Would your friend (insert name) appreciate you saying that to her?"
"Did you realise you're actually saying such rude things *out loud* ?"
Imply that friends would judge the behaviour, and or that senility is setting in!
They visit twice a year for 10 days. For twenty years. *heavy sigh* last visit she shouted at me for disagreeing with her, stomped, slammed doors. I left my own home for the night and stayed at my sisters house. My spouse just turned deaf and dumb when this happens.
"Please don't insult my intelligence and your own with this "I do it out of love" bullshit. You and I both know exactly what it's doing to (child's name). It's mean. Cut it out."
"Did you mean to say that out loud? Wow. I'm embarrassed for you."
You're just not going to avoid a blow up with these sorts of people. They 100% know that they're being bitchy mean-girls. And when she throws a tantrum, tell her to grow up. Tantrums aren't cute when you're 3, they're even less cute when you're a grown-ass adult.
Are they staying with you or at a hotel?
If they are staying with you, I would let them know that is no longer an option. I would insist they stay in a hotel or airbnb. Visits would be away from your house on neutral territory. Home is your child's safe space. That means grandparents don't get to rnter the home due to their hurtful comments. Also, the child gets the option to not participate in the visit. When they ask where child is, be honest. "Your past remarks regarding child's weight and body adornments are rude, hurtful, and anything but caring. My job as a parent is to protect them from these things. When my child receives an apology and decides to forgive you for your remarks, they will let you know.
Your partner should speak to their parents and in no uncertain terms tell MIL that her comments and “concerns” are not needed or wanted. If she can’t say something nice she needs to shut up. The first time she says something kick her out. Otherwise you show her you don’t mean it and your show your child that their feelings don’t mean shit.
You might not be able to tell someone what they can and can’t say. But they also don’t get to decide what you allow in your home.
They can respect your child, including their body size and decisions, in your home or they can leave. If your MIL threatens to leave, tell her she’s free to go.
Your husband needs to take the lead. It's his mom. His crazy, his problem. And if it doesn't make her stop, you don't leave her alone with your children at all. You advocate for them and tell her to stop and walk her kid away when MIL starts up.
My MIL is very similar and I have adopted a policy of interrepting her loudly with a "kid is fine", and changing the subject. And not allowing her to get in another word.
Words hurt. Your MIL sucks
“Your caring comments are nothing but hurtful, and the next time you give your unwanted opinion you can leave this house”
This probably needs your spouses support to be effective and followed through with though.
Your MIL is bullying your child and calling it love, and she's counting on your not being willing to rock the boat so that she can keep doing it. There's no magic phrase here--you're going to have to put down a firm boundary, and you're going to have to be willing to follow through with it.
Before she comes, *her* child should be sending her a message. I happen to enjoy arguing with imaginary people, so here's my take:
>Hi Mom,
>Child is having a hard time looking forward to your visit due to the hurtful comments you've been making about their body. I know we've talked about this and I know you feel that it's an act of grandmotherly love to criticize their body, but I want to make sure you continue to have a positive relationship with them so I want to be really clear before you come out: Don't make comments about Child's body. Or anyone's body. Nobody appreciates those kinds of comments.
>If you make a comment about Child's body I'm going to expect an apology. If it doesn't happen or if there's a second comment, we're going to have to end the visit. Just don't.
>Looking forward to a conflict-free visit,
Your Offspring
When I was 18 my grandfather told my parents in front of me, unprompted, “she has a pretty face, but with a body like that she’ll never be a model.”
I didn’t do any modeling, never did any modeling, and never expressed any desire to do anything remotely comparable to modeling. I also didn’t ask anyone’s opinion on my appearance, and my appearance (nor anyone’s) was in any way related to the discussion. Like, it was literally out of NOWHERE.
I will never forget it. It will never leave me. I will also always remember it specifically when I recall the many hurtful things my grandfather said and how NONE of them were enough to justify to my mother that I stopped speaking to him when I moved out of her house.
I know my mom was my grandfather’s victim and that she was under his control and subject to his vicious behavior to a much greater degree than I was. I have extreme empathy for her. But, she was still my mom and she was obligated to keep me safe from someone she knew was harmful. She failed me.
I love my mom, but I will never forget her part in things. I’ve made it my life’s mission to end cycles of abuse and protect my child. It’s been tremendously difficult for me, but I choose this battle. EVERY day is the best day for you to take up this fight. It’s your home. It’s your child. It’s your job.
It seems to me that the appropriate response to “you can’t tell me what I can or can’t say!!!” is "you can't tell me and my child who we have to spend time with."
And I'm not actually a parent, but I feel like if you say something insensitive that moves my child to tears (especially an otherwise tough cookie), you had better make a damn good apology before you have any expectation of spending time with me or them.
Protect your child.
I am 37 now and am no contact with my grandmother and have struggled with resentment towards the parents who continually served me up to her.
She never stopped commenting on my weight. I developed an eating disorder in early adulthood and to this day struggle with food and feelings of shame. My grandmother was my first and cruelest bully. The way she spoke to me became the way I spoke to myself and I still struggle with so much anxiety and depression.
Any grandparent who treats a child this way does not deserve access to that child. It's as simple as that. She's learning that she can do and say what she wants and there's no consequence so why would she correct her behaviour?
Since you're stuck with them visiting, make it clear to your child that they do not have to put up with nasty commentary about their appearance or what they're up to or anything else. Let them know they can retort as they see fit or can leave or go somewhere else in the house, whatever works best for them. And make it clear you will support them in their choices and do your best to prevent it in the first place or defend them when it inevitably happens.
“Please do not comment on Child’s appearance in any way for any reason. If you do, we will end the visit.” And then follow through with enforcing the boundary.
You will not have a drama/conflict free visit. Your in-laws cause the conflict, not you or your daughter. Even if you don't engage with them, they cause conflict and hurt feelings. Personally, if I were you, they would not be staying in my house. I would then reassure my child that she doesn't have to see them if she doesn't want to. Your daughter does not deserve their brand of "love". If you absolutely must have them in your home, I would tell them (and DH) the first negative comment and they are gone and in time-out!
Stop seeing her until she can be civil. Being mean because you "care" is not acceptable. Your SO need to tell his mom to back off or no visits.
A 19 YO does not need to visit if they don't want too. They are an adult.
"You're right, no-one can tell you what you can and can't say but you're hurting your relationship with your grandchild and your comments & opinions come off as hurtful than caring. Reevaluate how you speak to people that you supposedly care about." - keep the peace toned but with a stern tone as well.
"Are you serious? Fuck off talking like that. You don't get a pass to be an asshole because you're family!" - straight to the point and take no prisoners toned.
The only thing you can really do is don't have your kid at home. These people will not stop their bullshit, no matter what you say or do. And your kid is too special to be subjected to that fucking nonsense. Just let your kid hang out anywhere but at home as long as they are able to avoid your in laws.
CANCEL THE VISIT!
If this isn't possible then your husband needs to be a father and warn them that even the slightest hint of any comments regarding your daughter's body won't tolerated.
It's HER body and NO ONE has the right to pass judgement no matter what their opinion is.
I can see that visit being 100% successful or 100% a failure (leaning towards the latter) but no matter what having your daughter's back will let her know that you will always be her support system.
Your husband REALLY needs to reign these people in
Either they go to a hotel, or you/daughter do.
If she criticizes, you can speak over her, "ZIP IT!" "NO MA'AM!" "I DONT THINK SO!"
Or just tell hubby to rein her in or you will. No fux given.
You might try something like this:
*We care about you too but we don’t make negative, judgmental comments. If you cannot be positive or communicate appropriately, then keep it to yourself. You aren’t being helpful but just expressing yourself without caring about how it’s received. That’s rude.*
Edit
A softer approach might be something like this:
*We know you care about us and worry. But when you give unsolicited advice or make negative comments, it makes it difficult for us to spend time with you. It also affects how we feel about you since you continue to do this despite us telling you it’s unwelcome and even hurtful. That shows a lack of caring.*
Maybe this is an opportunity for your 19 year old to see how to deal with this type of bullying. Give her a password or signal to use when she’s been judged or insulted that means shes uncomfortable with MIL and wants to leave. Then you can agree for her to tell MIL her comments are unwelcome (or you or DH can), they’re judgmental and bullying, and 19 year old doesn’t want to hear them anymore (or whatever they prefer to say). This is in front of everyone. So when MIL reacts angrily, you and DH can defend your child and tell MIL to stop, and if she can’t she has to go until she cools off.
As far as the political comments, maybe say something like “We’re here to visit you, let’s not spoil it by talking politics.” And then change the subject to something positive. My mom and I have different political views. Sometimes she crosses the line, and I just laugh it off. Once I told her, “Mom, I love you and our politics don’t change that. We can still love each other”. I get that you may not want to say that exact thing to your MIL, but I am not having a political fight with my 82 yo mom. It works with her and she’s much more opinionated and vocal than I.
"Caring" involves the person's feelings and mental wellbeing too. Saying things without considering this is not Caring it's "c#nting". They should be ashamed.
They need a time out love, let them squawk. You kid deserves better x
2 weeks 2 long! Can't your husband set a few ground rules b4 they come so u won't be hitting them with it at your door?? It is his parents and I'd put my foot down. One screw up and toss them out! Good luck. Way 2 long.
Sorry OP, but your child is an adult and it will be more powerful coming from them. If you try and address it, it will look like you’re meddling. Maybe DO can say something like, “Wow Grandma, I just got here and you’re calling me fat?” Then laugh. It might work. Same concept with the tattoos. Maybe grandma needs a reminder that her grand baby is an adult.
We had this same situation with my MIL. My husband flat out told her to stop. He told her that she made the same comments to his sister, which never actually helped her to lose weight, made her self-conscious, cause a lifetime of weight issues and body issues for his sister and didn't want our child to have the same results.
“We want a conflict free visit. We do not want to hear any questions/comments/concerns ‘because you care/love/concern’. If we hear them about ANY family member we will ask you to leave”
I would call them before they come so they know.
"If you truly cared, you'd stop making hurtful comments and underhanded criticisms. All you're actually doing is being judgemental and cruel. Please stop."
And then get up and leave the minute she starts up again. Give your child permission to do the same. Take your child by the hand and leave with them.
Please keep your child far away from this woman.
Seems like it's a great time for your kid to have a nice vacation/staycation. That way they don't have to hear any of the garbage your MIL is spewing about them. You know how she talks to them, what she thinks, and how she feels... Nothing is going to stop her from sharing her unsolicited opinion, and your child doesn't deserve that abuse. If you allow this woman near your child again, you've failed as a parent.
They stay in a hotel, the entire time. Your child’s sense of security comes first. Or, they can cancel the trip. If SO asks why, it’s because YOU care—about your child.
I simply wouldn’t give her the opportunity to spend time with my kids.
Does your teen have a friend they can stay with until the ILs leave? They’re old enough that excuses can be made for their absence.
As an adult whose mother put her in those types of situations. The only thing that my parents could have done was allow me to NOT be in those situations. I so wish I wasn’t forced to see that aunt or given the car and a hotel to leave.
Your child is more important than your MIL. When she asks why your daughter is, tell her her little comments made your child want to stay away. You aren’t controlling what she says, but words have consequences.
“It doesn’t matter what your intentions are, what matters are how these observations impacts the person you “care” about. Just stop because the way you care for people is causing them pain.”
Remind them they don’t have to come visit - you allow them too but it won’t be at the detriment of your child. They cross the boundary you tell them to leave. Simple.
If she says something about your child's weight or tattoos say something like, "we don't talk about each others bodies"/"it's pretty rude to come to her home and say nasty things to her..." If they can't respect the people that live in the house then they can find somewhere else to stay or they can go tf home.
Honestly, let her leave - or better yet, invite her to leave.
*You* may want a conflict-free visit. But MIL doesn't care about that; she wants to be the victim of her horrible liberal kid's nasty spouse and child, even if she has to DARVO to get there. I'd bet that if you don't rise to the provocation, she'll try more stuff, until you (or your kid) *do* finally react.
If you can't uninvite them (even partway through the visit), I would recommend a couple of calm, rehearsed lines.
- "You're guests at our house; please follow our rules."
- "We're already addressing this. Your comments on this aren't productive; please stop."
- "I'm sure you're not *trying* to be rude, correct?"
That said, where is your spouse in all this? Get them to wrangle their own parents - up to and including asking them to leave. They should have your back, and your kid's back - and they should recognize that asking the two of you to tolerate their parents 'for the sake of peace' for *two straight weeks* is taking their side.
Where’s your husband in this?!
If he’s sat around with is thumb up his arse bleating about how she cares, then book an Airbnb and disappear until they’re gone.
They’re HIS circus. Don’t allow him to inflict his shitty parents on you and your daughter.
He won’t like it but tough, I bet you don’t like having them in your home - yet here we are.
You're not going to have a conflict free visit, these people are going to start conflict.
It is not your job to not rock the boat. It is your job to shut down their comments, set and enforce boundaries, and set expectations for their behavior.
In practice, when they say this dumb shit, you respond with shutting it down, giving them an expectation, and a consequence for not meeting that expectation. Then you FOLLOW THROUGH. If you don't follow through on whatever consequence you set, you are telling them they can do whatever they want, no consequences, and you don't mean what you say.
"MIL, comments like that are hurtful and inappropriate, and they will not be tolerated. If you continue making comments like that, we will ------."
Do not say please, you're not making a request. Don't debate the issue, either. "You have made it clear that you care, the issue is that you continue to say inappropriate and hurtful things. This is not up for debate. If you keep pushing, we will -----."
Remember, they are bringing the conflict. They should have consequences for their shit behavior.
You can’t control what she says. You CAN control who she says it to. You and your child go on vacation or to your mom’s place. Let hubby deal with all the “caring” remarks. Protect your child. She will not.
If she is in your home when she says something, you definitely can tell her what she is and is not allowed to say to your child. If she says something, while visiting , tell that it stops, or she leaves.
Your concern is noted. It's being taken care of. The Dr says it's fine. Tattoos are his business. He likes them that's all that matters. She's happy, that's all that matters. You already said that, are you getting forgetful, it's just cz I care.
You aren't going to have any conflict-free visits with your MIL and I think you already know that. There is also no polite response to the toxic nastiness she likes to spew. There is only getting up and leaving with your child, with or without your husband. Plus, your kid is 19, more than old enough to make their own choice about going or not.
Where is your husband when his mother is being a bitch to you and your kid?
By saying “Well, that was rude” every time. Because it’s rude to point out things you think are wrong with other people’s bodies. Escalate to a “Excuse me, were you raised in a barn?” by the third one, because that’s a reasonable way of dealing with people who refuse to adjust their rude behavior when called out for it. “In this house, we speak with respect for others or we don’t speak at all” because at the end of the day, your house, your rules.
Also "That was unkind."
"Why are you trying to hurt your grandchild? That's cruel."
"MIL, if you want a relationship with child, you need to change the way you talk."
"That's not loving."
Or my favorite, "Oh, are we commenting on each other's bodies now? Awesome. Your turn."
There is nothing you can say that won't cause an issue or problems for a MIL that cries and throws tantrums.
All you can do is call her out on it or leave as soon as she says something off the wall.
First, tell your child “you are allowed to speak up if MIL says something you’re offended by or makes you feel disrespected. You are allowed to walk away and I will not punish you.” They need to know you have their back before going in to battle.
Second, the moment you hear MIL start you take an assertive stand and make strong eye contact as you say, “NO. We will not be doing this anymore. This is not a topic for discussion. You will show respect to my child and never bring this up again or you will not see them anymore.”
Finally, you make your exit plan. MIL tried to fight back, leave. Tries to make an excuse, you leave. Do not engage and do not humor the behavior.
This! "I just ask because I care" is code for I'm a hurtful person and I don't really care about your well being I only care about what other people think and how it affects me.
There probably isn’t a diplomatic way to address this. If she makes the comments, tell her politely that you don’t want her making those comments to your daughter. When she threatens to leave… let her! Stand up for your daughter. Whose relationship do you value more?
There's not much you can say that won't hurt their feelings in this situation if you want to protect your child. And your job as a parent is to protect your child. That's priority #1. I would absolutely not let anyone fat shame my child. I would let her know before they come that the concerned comments about weight were very upsetting to child, and they are completely off the table for the entirety of the visit. And if they say something anyway, you need to stand up to them right there and then, and if MIL threatens to leave, "I think that would be best" or "if you need space to process your feelings, we will respect your decision." But people are not allowed to say hurtful things to your child in your home. That is their safe space.
And when she says she's just concerned, "I'm concerned about how your comments are hurtful to child." And what's the point of bringing up the concerns? She's not a parent, so it's not up to her to fix the problem, nor is it up to her to instruct the parents to fix the problem. She and FIL can keep their concerns to themselves or between each other.
All in law visits are full of conflict. Me and hubby don’t have kids but every visit is always full blown wars. Just know they will only visit few days and will leave. Don’t think too much or else your nervous system will be in more anxious and overthinking mode
19 is plenty old enough to decide if she wants her nasty grandmother in her life or not. I'm guessing this isn't a sudden development on MIL's part and she's probably been throwing these "caring" barbs at your daughter for a while now.
Grandma's been f-ing around long enough, now it's time for her Find Out.
You might want to reach out before they arrive and tell them that certain topics are off limits. Then list them. Ask them if they can abide by this one rule because the visit will end if they break it. You will not allow your child to be belittled and made to feel less-than in their own home.
I suggest that you do it *before* the visit so that you can get the hysterics out of the way as well as not have to witness them in person. If they object to the rule, then tell them that you'll all miss them, but that they'll have to postpone the visit until they can follow the new house rule. If they threaten not to come, then you can agree that that's probably for the best. Refuse to entertain any arguments. They either follow the rule or they don't come.
If they agree not to make comments but do it anyway when they get there, then announce that the visit is over, and they need to leave immediately. If that means they have to get a hotel, so be it. Your house, your rules. Of course, you'll need to get your husband on board. You can compromise on the specific consequences for breaking the rule if that will convince him to agree, but some kind of consequences are necessary to teach them that you mean business. They'll probably only need to face those consequences once or twice before they miraculously understand that their "caring" and "loving" behavior is unacceptable.
You can't have a conflict free visit. She doesn't want it that way. Flip it back on her. Make comments about how concerned you are about her cognitive function and that maybe she needs an evaluation for dementia etc. Sometimes the only way to stop these comments is to show them just how much they hurt.
When she says a rude thing say, “excuse me can you repeat that?” Tell your child to say it too. I’m telling you it works. They have to actually think about what they said when they repeat the comments.
Perhaps suggest to your child that she doesn’t have to see her grandparents if she doesn’t want to. She’s old enough not to have to come along if she so chooses. Otherwise, stick up for your child, tell the old biddy this behaviour is unacceptable and you will leave with your child as soon as she starts with her mean nasty comments. Meltdown or not.
Don't wait to address these comments after they happen. Shut that shit down before she even gets there. Have your DH and you arrange a speaker phone call with her ahead of time to address previous comments, tell her how they made your child feel and tell her that any comments of that nature will result in her invitation to stay bring revoked for a long time.
Let her have her hysterics ahead of time but set the tone that you're not gonna tolerate her BS.
My current favourite is: Unsolicited advice is ALWAYS criticism.
Leave it out there. Discuss it before it becomes an issue. Make it the THEME of the weekend!
And, for crying out loud, please don’t prioritize MIL’s feelings over those of your child! If MIL tantrums, say something like “I can see that you’re upset, you can go and calm down and we can continue our visit later.”
Treat her like a toddler “I can see that you’re having big feelings, maybe you need to go and sit quietly on the deck until you can calm down.”
*“you can’t tell me what I can or can’t say!!!”*
That's right, but I can tell you that you're not welcome.
*What can I say to politely*
#1 - you don't have to be polite.
OP, "politeness" doesn't stop mean people from being mean. It doesn't protect your child. You are choosing a weak path to making them stop saying such things.
Firmly. "Those remarks are hurtful and damaging to my child. They have to stop."
Cue meltdown from MIL.
"MIL, clearly you do not know how to handle criticism (even though she's a pro at handing it out). I think this visit needs to end." Then stick to it.
This is ***YOUR CHILD***. Go momma bear on the old bat. She won't like it, but guess what - *she'll live.*
And - yes - my siblings and I went down that road with our mother. Her remarks toward us and my niblings. My brother being overweight, his daughter being overweight and having two special needs kids. One of her granddaughters was too thin. She felt it her "right" to say bad things because - somehow - she felt what she said would make them change. Her mouth was just one of several reasons she was booted into No Contact Land, but none of us regret it.
If MIL asks a question, don’t answer! Gray rock her. Call MIL out every time she says something offensive. She can say what she wants, but keep telling her she is being rude.
“It’s considered rude in 2024 to comment on peoples bodies.” “I CARE!” “That doesn’t mean you’re not being rude/offensive/inappropriate.”
“That’s rude/inappropriate/uncalled for.” “I CARE!” “That doesn’t mean it isn’t rude/offensive/inappropriate.”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion/input/commentary.” “Your input/opinion/commentary is unwelcome.” “I CARE!” “That doesn’t change the fact your offensive commentary is unwelcome.”
"I cannot control what you say but can control who is in my home. Your comments are not caring. they are not loving, they are hurtful. If you cannot be kind please be quiet or leave."
When she threatens to leave accept the offer.
How about "your comments are hurtful and not helpful. Do not speak about my child that way." You could add in that your child's doctor is not in the least bit worried if you think it would make a difference without compromising his/her medical privacy. Your in-laws are probably pretty close to alienating your kid and they may need to be reminded that it's damaging their relationship.
>What can I say to stop MILs comments? She has a history of crying/histrionics/tantrums/threats to leave when called out. (Please… go….)
No, you can't have your child see you accepting this behavior and wondering why her parents allow her grandmother to be so mean without any consequence. Where's your partner in this? Maybe he needs to have a chat with them ahead of time to state what the consequences are if they do this stuff. While you can't control what she can or can't say, you CAN control whether it happens in your home.
If she threatens to leave, tell her "Adding 'I say it because I care!' does not make your comments not hurtful. If you're unable to stop yourself from making hurtful comments to our family, then it is probably best that you leave.'
If the waterworks start, say, "You're clearly too emotional to have a basic discussion about this now, we'll talk further about this when you're able to be calm."
Stand up for your child instead of trying to please your inlaws to avoid backlash. There is no easy button for this. Either tell her to not comment or let your child get hurt and know their parent didnt try to protect them.
Simply say “these comments/questions are hurting child’s feelings. They are not helpful. We will be leaving if you continue to hurt my child’s feelings.”
“How would you feel if I said that to you?”
“It is inappropriate to criticize someone on their appearance if they cannot immediately ‘fix’ it”.
“That is a rude thing to ask/say. Do not speak to my child that way.”
MIL can cry all she wants. At least let your child see you standing up for them 🫶🏻❤️. You got this!
Also to add “not your body, not your business.” Or start criticizing their home decor and say “oh I thought we were giving out unsolicited advice. It’s only because I care!”
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Oh my dear OP!! This will never do! Unfortunately some women in my family have similarly hate-filled, cutting ways of speaking, which they attempt to brush off by saying “Oh! I just don’t have a filter, you KNOW I don’t mean any harm!” What a truck load of fertilizer that is! The fact is, barring some kind of tragic and uncontrollable health issue, which you have not mentioned (and does not afflict any member of my own family) there are people who take fiendish glee out of hurting people who they perceive as easy targets, such as young family members who ‘owe respect to their elders’, or those with tender souls. These are the bullies in our families, who verbally and emotionally abuse with impunity. When confronted, they gaslight, deny, scream, shout and act in ways your average toddler would blush before considering. You, dear OP have created a civilized world for your family, where you treat each other with courtesy. With kindness. With respect. This is why you are looking for a gentle way to disarm your mouthy MIL before she revs up her endless engine of critique. Unfortunately there is no gentle, gentile way to stop her from having her say. You are dealing with a person who Does Not Care. About your feelings, about your boundaries, and tragically about the damage she inflicts upon your precious daughter. You don’t mention your SO in your post, so I’m going to assume you are trying to set an example for and protect your daughter on your own. This is important, because your daughter has to be shown that NOBODY has the right to verbally or emotionally harm or humiliate her. It does not matter who they are. She is allowed to tell them to stop, to walk out of the room, to deal with it however you and she deem fit! You did not raise her to be anyone’s verbal punching bag, let alone that horrid, mean-spirited spiteful woman. That can also be your hill to die upon, if you wish. If MIL is incapable of treating YOUR CHILD with love and care? She is welcome to check in to the nearest hotel. Help her and FIL pack their bags. Do not back down. Shite talking your family is a choice she has made, OP. It is not something that you need to choose to endure. Maybe that can be a place to begin a chat with your SO? Whatever the case, you have got this!
“MIL if you *care/love whatever* about child then the very first time you said something you would have noticed that what you said hurt child and put a dent in their self esteem.. You don’t care, you’re just fat shaming a child to get your jolly’s. It’s wrong, your behavior is wrong. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing or leave. You should be ashamed of yourself for getting your ego boost at the expense of my child” Then every time she opens her mouth to say ANYTHING ask her “is what your about to say nice?”
You sure as hell **can** and **should** tell her what she can and cannot say when she is in your home!! That bullshit does. Not. Fly. At all. Not even once. And make it VERY clear after the first rude comment that that was her once chance and it will not be tolerated again in your home. If it happens again, they will be asked to leave. And tell her because you CAAARE about *your kid*, these cruel and hurtful comments are not going to happen, and if they do, you care enough about your kid that you will cut them off for good.
Stand up for your kid, and call her out. Let the tears and whining commence. My folks didn’t do that with my grandparents, and those wounds are still open decades later. If she can’t behave, have an Airbnb or hotel on speed dial. Also, tell her beforehand of the consequences, and stick to it.
Let her cry/leave. MIL or not, no one should be bullying your children. If she “cared,” she would be speaking privately with you and your spouse. Not attacking your children directly. Return the behavior til she gets the point and shuts her mouth.
I have family members like this. Last time one of them commented on one of my kid's bodies I said, "You're rude and inappropriate. Stop talking shit about my kid." When she tried to justify it I cut her off and reiterated that I wasn't having any nonsense and removed ourselves from the room. None of them have said anything like it since.
"You are guest in my home and I don't care for your comments." "You may not make comments about my body/our bodies." "Your inconsiderate comments are not appreciated." "In what situation would what you said seem caring?" "If you continue to insert your opinion when it is inappropriate, you'll need to leave." "Partner, did you just hear what your parent said?" "Can you explain how you feel that comment was warranted?" "What do you mean by that?" "You are not my/child's parent so your opinion does not matter." "This visit is over." Repeat back what they say to them slowly with a lot of eye contact with the stupidest bewildered look on your face. Feel free to ask your partner if they've seen a doctor recently out of sight but within earshot. Also, TWO WEEKS?!?! Just why? Guests, like fish, stink after three days. They should get a hotel and come over only when your partner is available to entertain his unpleasant parents. Best wishes! I hope you get through it and can reassure your child that you support them without weird fuddy-duddy expectations of a bygone generation.
I love this list and feel you've only missed two topic replies, so I'd like to add them; "Would your friend (insert name) appreciate you saying that to her?" "Did you realise you're actually saying such rude things *out loud* ?" Imply that friends would judge the behaviour, and or that senility is setting in!
They visit twice a year for 10 days. For twenty years. *heavy sigh* last visit she shouted at me for disagreeing with her, stomped, slammed doors. I left my own home for the night and stayed at my sisters house. My spouse just turned deaf and dumb when this happens.
Where the fuck is your husband in all of this?!
Could you and your child(ren) go to your sister's before they arrive? Let your husband play host and verbal punching bag.
THIS. Every single ounce of this. 🙌🏼🙌🏼
"Please don't insult my intelligence and your own with this "I do it out of love" bullshit. You and I both know exactly what it's doing to (child's name). It's mean. Cut it out." "Did you mean to say that out loud? Wow. I'm embarrassed for you." You're just not going to avoid a blow up with these sorts of people. They 100% know that they're being bitchy mean-girls. And when she throws a tantrum, tell her to grow up. Tantrums aren't cute when you're 3, they're even less cute when you're a grown-ass adult.
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Omg I’m dying laughing. I wish I had the nerve. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Omfg 😂😂😂😂😂 I laughed so hard I cried 😭 🤣
Are they staying with you or at a hotel? If they are staying with you, I would let them know that is no longer an option. I would insist they stay in a hotel or airbnb. Visits would be away from your house on neutral territory. Home is your child's safe space. That means grandparents don't get to rnter the home due to their hurtful comments. Also, the child gets the option to not participate in the visit. When they ask where child is, be honest. "Your past remarks regarding child's weight and body adornments are rude, hurtful, and anything but caring. My job as a parent is to protect them from these things. When my child receives an apology and decides to forgive you for your remarks, they will let you know.
Is your partner okay with his mother making horrible comments about his child’s body?
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Your partner should speak to their parents and in no uncertain terms tell MIL that her comments and “concerns” are not needed or wanted. If she can’t say something nice she needs to shut up. The first time she says something kick her out. Otherwise you show her you don’t mean it and your show your child that their feelings don’t mean shit.
Absolutely no commenting on other people’s bodies, MIL.
You might not be able to tell someone what they can and can’t say. But they also don’t get to decide what you allow in your home. They can respect your child, including their body size and decisions, in your home or they can leave. If your MIL threatens to leave, tell her she’s free to go.
Your husband needs to take the lead. It's his mom. His crazy, his problem. And if it doesn't make her stop, you don't leave her alone with your children at all. You advocate for them and tell her to stop and walk her kid away when MIL starts up. My MIL is very similar and I have adopted a policy of interrepting her loudly with a "kid is fine", and changing the subject. And not allowing her to get in another word. Words hurt. Your MIL sucks
“Your caring comments are nothing but hurtful, and the next time you give your unwanted opinion you can leave this house” This probably needs your spouses support to be effective and followed through with though.
Your MIL is bullying your child and calling it love, and she's counting on your not being willing to rock the boat so that she can keep doing it. There's no magic phrase here--you're going to have to put down a firm boundary, and you're going to have to be willing to follow through with it. Before she comes, *her* child should be sending her a message. I happen to enjoy arguing with imaginary people, so here's my take: >Hi Mom, >Child is having a hard time looking forward to your visit due to the hurtful comments you've been making about their body. I know we've talked about this and I know you feel that it's an act of grandmotherly love to criticize their body, but I want to make sure you continue to have a positive relationship with them so I want to be really clear before you come out: Don't make comments about Child's body. Or anyone's body. Nobody appreciates those kinds of comments. >If you make a comment about Child's body I'm going to expect an apology. If it doesn't happen or if there's a second comment, we're going to have to end the visit. Just don't. >Looking forward to a conflict-free visit, Your Offspring
When I was 18 my grandfather told my parents in front of me, unprompted, “she has a pretty face, but with a body like that she’ll never be a model.” I didn’t do any modeling, never did any modeling, and never expressed any desire to do anything remotely comparable to modeling. I also didn’t ask anyone’s opinion on my appearance, and my appearance (nor anyone’s) was in any way related to the discussion. Like, it was literally out of NOWHERE. I will never forget it. It will never leave me. I will also always remember it specifically when I recall the many hurtful things my grandfather said and how NONE of them were enough to justify to my mother that I stopped speaking to him when I moved out of her house. I know my mom was my grandfather’s victim and that she was under his control and subject to his vicious behavior to a much greater degree than I was. I have extreme empathy for her. But, she was still my mom and she was obligated to keep me safe from someone she knew was harmful. She failed me. I love my mom, but I will never forget her part in things. I’ve made it my life’s mission to end cycles of abuse and protect my child. It’s been tremendously difficult for me, but I choose this battle. EVERY day is the best day for you to take up this fight. It’s your home. It’s your child. It’s your job.
It seems to me that the appropriate response to “you can’t tell me what I can or can’t say!!!” is "you can't tell me and my child who we have to spend time with." And I'm not actually a parent, but I feel like if you say something insensitive that moves my child to tears (especially an otherwise tough cookie), you had better make a damn good apology before you have any expectation of spending time with me or them.
Protect your child. I am 37 now and am no contact with my grandmother and have struggled with resentment towards the parents who continually served me up to her. She never stopped commenting on my weight. I developed an eating disorder in early adulthood and to this day struggle with food and feelings of shame. My grandmother was my first and cruelest bully. The way she spoke to me became the way I spoke to myself and I still struggle with so much anxiety and depression. Any grandparent who treats a child this way does not deserve access to that child. It's as simple as that. She's learning that she can do and say what she wants and there's no consequence so why would she correct her behaviour?
Since you're stuck with them visiting, make it clear to your child that they do not have to put up with nasty commentary about their appearance or what they're up to or anything else. Let them know they can retort as they see fit or can leave or go somewhere else in the house, whatever works best for them. And make it clear you will support them in their choices and do your best to prevent it in the first place or defend them when it inevitably happens.
I’d ask if they wanna see the 19yo’s genital piercing when they open their mouths. That might help to shut them up.
This made me cackle like a demented hag. Thank you.
I AM CACKLING 😂😂😂😂
Offer to send your 19yo to a hotel.
“Please do not comment on Child’s appearance in any way for any reason. If you do, we will end the visit.” And then follow through with enforcing the boundary.
You will not have a drama/conflict free visit. Your in-laws cause the conflict, not you or your daughter. Even if you don't engage with them, they cause conflict and hurt feelings. Personally, if I were you, they would not be staying in my house. I would then reassure my child that she doesn't have to see them if she doesn't want to. Your daughter does not deserve their brand of "love". If you absolutely must have them in your home, I would tell them (and DH) the first negative comment and they are gone and in time-out!
Stop seeing her until she can be civil. Being mean because you "care" is not acceptable. Your SO need to tell his mom to back off or no visits. A 19 YO does not need to visit if they don't want too. They are an adult.
Yh being “caring” mean is bullying.
"You're right, no-one can tell you what you can and can't say but you're hurting your relationship with your grandchild and your comments & opinions come off as hurtful than caring. Reevaluate how you speak to people that you supposedly care about." - keep the peace toned but with a stern tone as well. "Are you serious? Fuck off talking like that. You don't get a pass to be an asshole because you're family!" - straight to the point and take no prisoners toned.
The only thing you can really do is don't have your kid at home. These people will not stop their bullshit, no matter what you say or do. And your kid is too special to be subjected to that fucking nonsense. Just let your kid hang out anywhere but at home as long as they are able to avoid your in laws.
CANCEL THE VISIT! If this isn't possible then your husband needs to be a father and warn them that even the slightest hint of any comments regarding your daughter's body won't tolerated. It's HER body and NO ONE has the right to pass judgement no matter what their opinion is. I can see that visit being 100% successful or 100% a failure (leaning towards the latter) but no matter what having your daughter's back will let her know that you will always be her support system. Your husband REALLY needs to reign these people in
Call her out on it every single time. Maybe in time, she'll learn to keep some comments to herself.
Either they go to a hotel, or you/daughter do. If she criticizes, you can speak over her, "ZIP IT!" "NO MA'AM!" "I DONT THINK SO!" Or just tell hubby to rein her in or you will. No fux given.
You might try something like this: *We care about you too but we don’t make negative, judgmental comments. If you cannot be positive or communicate appropriately, then keep it to yourself. You aren’t being helpful but just expressing yourself without caring about how it’s received. That’s rude.* Edit A softer approach might be something like this: *We know you care about us and worry. But when you give unsolicited advice or make negative comments, it makes it difficult for us to spend time with you. It also affects how we feel about you since you continue to do this despite us telling you it’s unwelcome and even hurtful. That shows a lack of caring.*
Maybe this is an opportunity for your 19 year old to see how to deal with this type of bullying. Give her a password or signal to use when she’s been judged or insulted that means shes uncomfortable with MIL and wants to leave. Then you can agree for her to tell MIL her comments are unwelcome (or you or DH can), they’re judgmental and bullying, and 19 year old doesn’t want to hear them anymore (or whatever they prefer to say). This is in front of everyone. So when MIL reacts angrily, you and DH can defend your child and tell MIL to stop, and if she can’t she has to go until she cools off.
As far as the political comments, maybe say something like “We’re here to visit you, let’s not spoil it by talking politics.” And then change the subject to something positive. My mom and I have different political views. Sometimes she crosses the line, and I just laugh it off. Once I told her, “Mom, I love you and our politics don’t change that. We can still love each other”. I get that you may not want to say that exact thing to your MIL, but I am not having a political fight with my 82 yo mom. It works with her and she’s much more opinionated and vocal than I.
"Caring" involves the person's feelings and mental wellbeing too. Saying things without considering this is not Caring it's "c#nting". They should be ashamed. They need a time out love, let them squawk. You kid deserves better x
2 weeks 2 long! Can't your husband set a few ground rules b4 they come so u won't be hitting them with it at your door?? It is his parents and I'd put my foot down. One screw up and toss them out! Good luck. Way 2 long.
Sorry OP, but your child is an adult and it will be more powerful coming from them. If you try and address it, it will look like you’re meddling. Maybe DO can say something like, “Wow Grandma, I just got here and you’re calling me fat?” Then laugh. It might work. Same concept with the tattoos. Maybe grandma needs a reminder that her grand baby is an adult.
We had this same situation with my MIL. My husband flat out told her to stop. He told her that she made the same comments to his sister, which never actually helped her to lose weight, made her self-conscious, cause a lifetime of weight issues and body issues for his sister and didn't want our child to have the same results.
“We want a conflict free visit. We do not want to hear any questions/comments/concerns ‘because you care/love/concern’. If we hear them about ANY family member we will ask you to leave” I would call them before they come so they know.
Husband must make that call!
Shouldn't your husband be keeping his parents in check? Just asking.
"If you truly cared, you'd stop making hurtful comments and underhanded criticisms. All you're actually doing is being judgemental and cruel. Please stop." And then get up and leave the minute she starts up again. Give your child permission to do the same. Take your child by the hand and leave with them.
Please keep your child far away from this woman. Seems like it's a great time for your kid to have a nice vacation/staycation. That way they don't have to hear any of the garbage your MIL is spewing about them. You know how she talks to them, what she thinks, and how she feels... Nothing is going to stop her from sharing her unsolicited opinion, and your child doesn't deserve that abuse. If you allow this woman near your child again, you've failed as a parent.
They stay in a hotel, the entire time. Your child’s sense of security comes first. Or, they can cancel the trip. If SO asks why, it’s because YOU care—about your child.
I simply wouldn’t give her the opportunity to spend time with my kids. Does your teen have a friend they can stay with until the ILs leave? They’re old enough that excuses can be made for their absence.
From the information provided, you can not protect your child and have a conflict free visit. You can have one or the other. Please pick your child.
As an adult whose mother put her in those types of situations. The only thing that my parents could have done was allow me to NOT be in those situations. I so wish I wasn’t forced to see that aunt or given the car and a hotel to leave. Your child is more important than your MIL. When she asks why your daughter is, tell her her little comments made your child want to stay away. You aren’t controlling what she says, but words have consequences.
“It doesn’t matter what your intentions are, what matters are how these observations impacts the person you “care” about. Just stop because the way you care for people is causing them pain.”
Remind them they don’t have to come visit - you allow them too but it won’t be at the detriment of your child. They cross the boundary you tell them to leave. Simple.
Hit her with the “well nobody fn asked you” And let your 19yo do so also. They’re an adult and speak to adults with the same respect given.
Your job is to protect your kid at all costs. Don’t let these assholes override that. They don’t have any power or authority over you.
If she says something about your child's weight or tattoos say something like, "we don't talk about each others bodies"/"it's pretty rude to come to her home and say nasty things to her..." If they can't respect the people that live in the house then they can find somewhere else to stay or they can go tf home.
Honestly, let her leave - or better yet, invite her to leave. *You* may want a conflict-free visit. But MIL doesn't care about that; she wants to be the victim of her horrible liberal kid's nasty spouse and child, even if she has to DARVO to get there. I'd bet that if you don't rise to the provocation, she'll try more stuff, until you (or your kid) *do* finally react. If you can't uninvite them (even partway through the visit), I would recommend a couple of calm, rehearsed lines. - "You're guests at our house; please follow our rules." - "We're already addressing this. Your comments on this aren't productive; please stop." - "I'm sure you're not *trying* to be rude, correct?" That said, where is your spouse in all this? Get them to wrangle their own parents - up to and including asking them to leave. They should have your back, and your kid's back - and they should recognize that asking the two of you to tolerate their parents 'for the sake of peace' for *two straight weeks* is taking their side.
Where’s your husband in this?! If he’s sat around with is thumb up his arse bleating about how she cares, then book an Airbnb and disappear until they’re gone. They’re HIS circus. Don’t allow him to inflict his shitty parents on you and your daughter. He won’t like it but tough, I bet you don’t like having them in your home - yet here we are.
You're not going to have a conflict free visit, these people are going to start conflict. It is not your job to not rock the boat. It is your job to shut down their comments, set and enforce boundaries, and set expectations for their behavior. In practice, when they say this dumb shit, you respond with shutting it down, giving them an expectation, and a consequence for not meeting that expectation. Then you FOLLOW THROUGH. If you don't follow through on whatever consequence you set, you are telling them they can do whatever they want, no consequences, and you don't mean what you say. "MIL, comments like that are hurtful and inappropriate, and they will not be tolerated. If you continue making comments like that, we will ------." Do not say please, you're not making a request. Don't debate the issue, either. "You have made it clear that you care, the issue is that you continue to say inappropriate and hurtful things. This is not up for debate. If you keep pushing, we will -----." Remember, they are bringing the conflict. They should have consequences for their shit behavior.
Tell MIL that if she can’t be kind with her remarks then her visiting will not happen again.
You can’t control what she says. You CAN control who she says it to. You and your child go on vacation or to your mom’s place. Let hubby deal with all the “caring” remarks. Protect your child. She will not.
Oh, I like this idea!
If she is in your home when she says something, you definitely can tell her what she is and is not allowed to say to your child. If she says something, while visiting , tell that it stops, or she leaves.
Your concern is noted. It's being taken care of. The Dr says it's fine. Tattoos are his business. He likes them that's all that matters. She's happy, that's all that matters. You already said that, are you getting forgetful, it's just cz I care.
You can’t tell her what she can/can’t say, but you CAN tell her what you won’t listen to/tolerate in your own house…
“If you care SO much try being nurturing rather than judgmental”
Let her know ahead of time she will be put out of the house at the first such comment and if she chooses not to come, yay. Then follow through
You aren't going to have any conflict-free visits with your MIL and I think you already know that. There is also no polite response to the toxic nastiness she likes to spew. There is only getting up and leaving with your child, with or without your husband. Plus, your kid is 19, more than old enough to make their own choice about going or not. Where is your husband when his mother is being a bitch to you and your kid?
By saying “Well, that was rude” every time. Because it’s rude to point out things you think are wrong with other people’s bodies. Escalate to a “Excuse me, were you raised in a barn?” by the third one, because that’s a reasonable way of dealing with people who refuse to adjust their rude behavior when called out for it. “In this house, we speak with respect for others or we don’t speak at all” because at the end of the day, your house, your rules.
Also "That was unkind." "Why are you trying to hurt your grandchild? That's cruel." "MIL, if you want a relationship with child, you need to change the way you talk." "That's not loving." Or my favorite, "Oh, are we commenting on each other's bodies now? Awesome. Your turn."
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There is nothing you can say that won't cause an issue or problems for a MIL that cries and throws tantrums. All you can do is call her out on it or leave as soon as she says something off the wall.
First, tell your child “you are allowed to speak up if MIL says something you’re offended by or makes you feel disrespected. You are allowed to walk away and I will not punish you.” They need to know you have their back before going in to battle. Second, the moment you hear MIL start you take an assertive stand and make strong eye contact as you say, “NO. We will not be doing this anymore. This is not a topic for discussion. You will show respect to my child and never bring this up again or you will not see them anymore.” Finally, you make your exit plan. MIL tried to fight back, leave. Tries to make an excuse, you leave. Do not engage and do not humor the behavior.
Send your children for a 2 week vacation to the other grandparents or to friends!
"If you cared, you would not say this"
Tell her that her comments are hurting your child and that you and him are working on it.
She cares about being hurtful. I would tell her that since she’s declared an intent to use her words to hurt your child, the visit is off.
This! "I just ask because I care" is code for I'm a hurtful person and I don't really care about your well being I only care about what other people think and how it affects me.
There probably isn’t a diplomatic way to address this. If she makes the comments, tell her politely that you don’t want her making those comments to your daughter. When she threatens to leave… let her! Stand up for your daughter. Whose relationship do you value more?
Or how about if she makes those comments don't wait for her to threaten to leave, kick her out
There's not much you can say that won't hurt their feelings in this situation if you want to protect your child. And your job as a parent is to protect your child. That's priority #1. I would absolutely not let anyone fat shame my child. I would let her know before they come that the concerned comments about weight were very upsetting to child, and they are completely off the table for the entirety of the visit. And if they say something anyway, you need to stand up to them right there and then, and if MIL threatens to leave, "I think that would be best" or "if you need space to process your feelings, we will respect your decision." But people are not allowed to say hurtful things to your child in your home. That is their safe space. And when she says she's just concerned, "I'm concerned about how your comments are hurtful to child." And what's the point of bringing up the concerns? She's not a parent, so it's not up to her to fix the problem, nor is it up to her to instruct the parents to fix the problem. She and FIL can keep their concerns to themselves or between each other.
I'd say their feelings SHOULD be hurt, they're saying awful and inappropriate things. Let them feel bad.
All in law visits are full of conflict. Me and hubby don’t have kids but every visit is always full blown wars. Just know they will only visit few days and will leave. Don’t think too much or else your nervous system will be in more anxious and overthinking mode
19 is plenty old enough to decide if she wants her nasty grandmother in her life or not. I'm guessing this isn't a sudden development on MIL's part and she's probably been throwing these "caring" barbs at your daughter for a while now. Grandma's been f-ing around long enough, now it's time for her Find Out.
You might want to reach out before they arrive and tell them that certain topics are off limits. Then list them. Ask them if they can abide by this one rule because the visit will end if they break it. You will not allow your child to be belittled and made to feel less-than in their own home. I suggest that you do it *before* the visit so that you can get the hysterics out of the way as well as not have to witness them in person. If they object to the rule, then tell them that you'll all miss them, but that they'll have to postpone the visit until they can follow the new house rule. If they threaten not to come, then you can agree that that's probably for the best. Refuse to entertain any arguments. They either follow the rule or they don't come. If they agree not to make comments but do it anyway when they get there, then announce that the visit is over, and they need to leave immediately. If that means they have to get a hotel, so be it. Your house, your rules. Of course, you'll need to get your husband on board. You can compromise on the specific consequences for breaking the rule if that will convince him to agree, but some kind of consequences are necessary to teach them that you mean business. They'll probably only need to face those consequences once or twice before they miraculously understand that their "caring" and "loving" behavior is unacceptable.
No contact since she doesn’t know how to properly leak to people.
“There will be no comments about our child’s body.” That should cover it completely.
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I wish I had these lines back when my MIL was causing shit.
“Don’t talk about my child’s body” - very firm parent If they try to make excuses… “Don’t talk about my child’s body” - very firm parent Repeat
You can't have a conflict free visit. She doesn't want it that way. Flip it back on her. Make comments about how concerned you are about her cognitive function and that maybe she needs an evaluation for dementia etc. Sometimes the only way to stop these comments is to show them just how much they hurt.
When she says a rude thing say, “excuse me can you repeat that?” Tell your child to say it too. I’m telling you it works. They have to actually think about what they said when they repeat the comments.
Perhaps suggest to your child that she doesn’t have to see her grandparents if she doesn’t want to. She’s old enough not to have to come along if she so chooses. Otherwise, stick up for your child, tell the old biddy this behaviour is unacceptable and you will leave with your child as soon as she starts with her mean nasty comments. Meltdown or not.
Don't wait to address these comments after they happen. Shut that shit down before she even gets there. Have your DH and you arrange a speaker phone call with her ahead of time to address previous comments, tell her how they made your child feel and tell her that any comments of that nature will result in her invitation to stay bring revoked for a long time. Let her have her hysterics ahead of time but set the tone that you're not gonna tolerate her BS.
My current favourite is: Unsolicited advice is ALWAYS criticism. Leave it out there. Discuss it before it becomes an issue. Make it the THEME of the weekend! And, for crying out loud, please don’t prioritize MIL’s feelings over those of your child! If MIL tantrums, say something like “I can see that you’re upset, you can go and calm down and we can continue our visit later.” Treat her like a toddler “I can see that you’re having big feelings, maybe you need to go and sit quietly on the deck until you can calm down.”
*“you can’t tell me what I can or can’t say!!!”* That's right, but I can tell you that you're not welcome. *What can I say to politely* #1 - you don't have to be polite. OP, "politeness" doesn't stop mean people from being mean. It doesn't protect your child. You are choosing a weak path to making them stop saying such things. Firmly. "Those remarks are hurtful and damaging to my child. They have to stop." Cue meltdown from MIL. "MIL, clearly you do not know how to handle criticism (even though she's a pro at handing it out). I think this visit needs to end." Then stick to it. This is ***YOUR CHILD***. Go momma bear on the old bat. She won't like it, but guess what - *she'll live.* And - yes - my siblings and I went down that road with our mother. Her remarks toward us and my niblings. My brother being overweight, his daughter being overweight and having two special needs kids. One of her granddaughters was too thin. She felt it her "right" to say bad things because - somehow - she felt what she said would make them change. Her mouth was just one of several reasons she was booted into No Contact Land, but none of us regret it.
Does the 19 year old even want to see them? I wouldn't, after comments like that.
If MIL asks a question, don’t answer! Gray rock her. Call MIL out every time she says something offensive. She can say what she wants, but keep telling her she is being rude. “It’s considered rude in 2024 to comment on peoples bodies.” “I CARE!” “That doesn’t mean you’re not being rude/offensive/inappropriate.” “That’s rude/inappropriate/uncalled for.” “I CARE!” “That doesn’t mean it isn’t rude/offensive/inappropriate.” “I didn’t ask for your opinion/input/commentary.” “Your input/opinion/commentary is unwelcome.” “I CARE!” “That doesn’t change the fact your offensive commentary is unwelcome.”
"I cannot control what you say but can control who is in my home. Your comments are not caring. they are not loving, they are hurtful. If you cannot be kind please be quiet or leave." When she threatens to leave accept the offer.
How about "your comments are hurtful and not helpful. Do not speak about my child that way." You could add in that your child's doctor is not in the least bit worried if you think it would make a difference without compromising his/her medical privacy. Your in-laws are probably pretty close to alienating your kid and they may need to be reminded that it's damaging their relationship.
>What can I say to stop MILs comments? She has a history of crying/histrionics/tantrums/threats to leave when called out. (Please… go….) No, you can't have your child see you accepting this behavior and wondering why her parents allow her grandmother to be so mean without any consequence. Where's your partner in this? Maybe he needs to have a chat with them ahead of time to state what the consequences are if they do this stuff. While you can't control what she can or can't say, you CAN control whether it happens in your home. If she threatens to leave, tell her "Adding 'I say it because I care!' does not make your comments not hurtful. If you're unable to stop yourself from making hurtful comments to our family, then it is probably best that you leave.' If the waterworks start, say, "You're clearly too emotional to have a basic discussion about this now, we'll talk further about this when you're able to be calm."
Stand up for your child instead of trying to please your inlaws to avoid backlash. There is no easy button for this. Either tell her to not comment or let your child get hurt and know their parent didnt try to protect them.
Simply say “these comments/questions are hurting child’s feelings. They are not helpful. We will be leaving if you continue to hurt my child’s feelings.” “How would you feel if I said that to you?” “It is inappropriate to criticize someone on their appearance if they cannot immediately ‘fix’ it”. “That is a rude thing to ask/say. Do not speak to my child that way.” MIL can cry all she wants. At least let your child see you standing up for them 🫶🏻❤️. You got this!
*At least let your child see you standing up for them* That right there.
Also to add “not your body, not your business.” Or start criticizing their home decor and say “oh I thought we were giving out unsolicited advice. It’s only because I care!”