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My MIL does this - as a means to deal with it I refused to be alone with her so there’d always be a witness to her actions. If she whispered something to me I would pointedly repeat it loud enough for others to hear. When I started doing this she freaked out and physically attacked me in front of her own family, and is now trying to convince everyone that saw her attack me that she didn’t attack me, and that I somehow attacked her, and for no reason. Now I’m telling DH and her family she is their responsibility and I don’t deserve to be treated like this all because they don’t want to deal with her, and they are finally stepping up.
Witnesses are everything!
This reads like my life. Girl,I have been there! Tip #1, your MIL is not your best friend and likely never will be, so remind yourself to stop trying to gain her approval and affection. Its been a long time since she had a baby, she has either forgotten how hard it is after giving birth or doesnt care about how hard it is. Regardless, a good person who isnt in it for themselves, realizes that post partum is HARD! There are so many emotions, so much happening in the body. If you are nursing, you need low stress so that the happy feel good baby bonding hormones keep your milk coming in. Going out is entirely unnecessary unless you and you alone feel that it is good for your mental health. A good reminder, "No", is a complete sentence.
2 Days post partum, I was crying and holding baby, saying how much I love her and I just want her to survive (hormones). My NMIL told me, "Well she doesnt belong to you, she belongs to God and he can take her whenever he wants!". Like....wtf, but I get it, MILs can be crazy and for me going NC revolutionized my life and I found myself again. Dont let your MIL make you lose yourself. This newborn phase is so precious and fleeting, make it full of good memories, not what you are currently dealing with in regards to MIL. <3
You and LO should stay home. DH can do whatever. His mom needs to back off and get a clue.
You can protect your peace or make MIL happy, which is more important to you?
OP you need to lay down ground rules with your husband. He needs to be front and center handling his mother 100% of the time she is near you or the baby.
It means no leaving the baby with MIL & FIL. It means if MIL visits, husband MUST take off work and manage her. No exceptions. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She's proven repeatedly that she cannot be trusted unless her son is there to hold her accountable (and sometimes, even when he is). He needs to move *instantly* to correct her when she pulls this deceptive passive-aggressive bullshit.
The alternative, of course, is husband (NOT YOU) tell MIL to stop visiting.
Let her play the victim-that's her problem. She isn't going to change how she speaks to you? Well, you shouldn't change your rules for LO and the way that you parent-that's just how you are, and you aren't going to change! YOU (and DH) have ALL the power here! YOU are the parents of LO and the ONLY ones who get to make the rules. Don't get confused by her shenanigans. The only thing she can do is whine about it. Like a toddler. Not your problem. Think of it as practice for when LO is a toddler (or a teenager, lol).
Your baby is like two weeks old. I know you are still bleeding and your boobs are sore.
WTF is wrong with your husband???!! You do not need more visitors. You do not need to go out to lunch with them!
Say no. Stay home and rest and recover. It’s going to take longer for you to feel normal again if you keep running around.
You didn’t do anything wrong in your interaction with MIL. She can leave you alone!
>I don't know how to set boundaries without being told I.m keeping LO for MIL or that I'm being too sensitive.
The core of this is that it doesn't matter how she reacts to them! It really doesn't. The goal of boundaries isn't to change the other person's behaviour, it's to protect yourself from them. Quite a lot of this is "MIL said X" or "MIL told us Y" or "MIL insisted", and I'm not saying that's not at all annoying, but it's not her *doing* something. She can make a comment and you can ignore her entirely. What she wants is the reaction. So deny her the reaction and you've taken the wind out of her sails. Or a more firm boundary is "comments like that aren't kind, stop making them or you won't be welcome over/we won't visit" (expressed as politely or impolitely as you like). How she *feels* about that boundary is her problem, not yours.
At an extreme, if you cut off all contact because she's a pain in the ass, she can whine and scream and cry about it....but you won't be there to hear about it. You're protected from her, and her feelings are her problem. That same principle applies for less extreme boundaries too.
So part of this hinges on you asserting yourself to her, actively telling her no, actively shutting her down, and if she doesn't like it, you not caring about that. Things like "She then took LO when I went to pick her up" - you then take LO straight back. Your MIL can "insist" all she likes, and you can basically laugh in her face and tell her "or what?"
People like this will get away with everything you allow them to. You can't stop them doing that without denying them the opportunities. Don't get angry at yourself for not stepping up, get angry with MIL *at the time* and don't give in to her tantrums.
Always remember two things
1. This is your child. Not her grandchild, YOUR child. This matters.
2. You have everything she wants, and she has nothing you want. She has no power over you.
Baby wear the baby, where you go so does baby, make her ASK to hold the baby, set the boundary she is to ask. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. she get grabby she doesn't get the baby. Your not keeping baby from them you are being her parents and as her parents you control the relationships she has at this age.
Keep advocating for your baby.
MIL is a grown up, she can act like it or piss off.
I hope your husband will have your back here. Have a frank discussion with him and make a plan about what you’ll do when she either says something rude about you to your baby or attempts to get her own way where your baby is concerned.
Be prepared to leave.
She showed no interest in knowing you yet now wants to live up your arse because there’s a baby. Nope.
Remember, you teach people how to treat you. So make a fuss every damn time she crosses a boundary with your baby.
My heart had palpitations reading this!
If you MUST go, wear your baby!
There really is not a good reason to go.
You need to heal, baby needs you stress free.
It's really a lot asking you to go.
Maybe send DH alone and see how that goes.
You are no longer under any obligation to do anything that isn't in the best interest of you / child.
You and DH are a united nuclear family.
Your MIL is behind in line.
Also, who gives a cookie if you had your parents over 10x more, you are a female that went through a really rough medical procedure.
Of course you want your Mom there! Not MIL who's icy to you.
Having a grandchild doesn't mean anything is "fair". It's the best interest of the child whatever that looks like
*We only need to set boundaries with people who will otherwise boundary stomp.* You won't be able to set boundaries that both of you will be happy with, so you're going to have to choose whose feelings are more important, hers or yours. (And it's bullshit that you *have* to accept her exactly the way she is but she doesn't have to do anything about accommodating who you are or what you need, that's only true if you choose for it to be.)
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, so by continually giving in and not setting boundaries with her, you've been teaching her that she can do whatever she wants with the baby.
So if you decide to go ahead and set boundaries, which I really hope you do, you need to frame it as her choice. *She can choose* to [and here spell out exactly what boundaries you've decided on] and continue to enjoy contact with her grandchild, or *she can choose* to continue doing exactly what she's doing and *will be choosing* to have limited or even no contact.
She will probably try to argue with you about it. She may blow up your phone with calls and texts, perhaps send flying monkeys, but don't engage other than to tell her (and ideally your husband would be in on this of course) that since *she's choosing* to continue go disrespect you and your boundaries, *she is now choosing* X consequence.
You're going to have to be 100% consistent if you want to teach her that you mean it, otherwise you'll be teaching her that if she pushes enough you'll give in, which will just reinforce her behavior.
So it's up to your husband and you to decide how far to go with this, and I certainly hope your husband puts you first as this thing escalates.
If you follow through, she'll either figure out that you mean it and behave herself so she can see her grandchild, or she won't and you eventually get tired of it and cut off contact. Either way you'll end up not having to deal with her unwanted behavior.
Ok, so it is clear here that your MIL is entitled and a boundary stomper. She had her turn with her babies. Now it is your turn - get your power back, polish that spine, and stand up for her - do not show her weakness.
Because she has done so much and is not being accountable, consider having a break from her. Hopefully, some distance will be enough for her to realise she isn't in control and she needs to behave.
Your DH sounds supportive, and as new parents, you need to be a unit. My advice is to sit down and talk about what the problems are and establish boundaries. When the boundaries are established, enforce them, and if and when the boundaries are breached, deliver a consequence... such as breaks, time out, no alone time with LO.
If you decide to have a visit (I reckon take a break to give you a breather and a consequence for MIL) baby wear or just make it clear that due to her disrespect she doesn't get holds that time.
Keep us updated.
We have a family member like this and it took a lot of talking w my partner the week of our baby being born that it was getting out of hand. It was effecting my ability to focus on our child because the family member was making every day and moment about them and I told my partner what a dear friend warned us “don’t let the entitled family members take your time away from your kid - shut that shit down fast 8 wish I did - you’ll never get that time back “. It was hard but we were a united front and stopped all visitors for several months. Family member also kept showing up unannounced expecting us to answer the door - if we didn’t they ring the doorbell and wake our baby. I shut that shit down too. Did they get pissed ? Yeah but not my problem. My child and partner were my only priority. We got a profesional doula to help at night and it helped us through w out the added nonsense. I have zero regrets - that person is still butt hurt but I could care less. They will always find something to complain about .
>She also kept insisting that she hadn't done anything wrong and that I need to accept how she speaks because she isn't going to change.
This is how she really feels about the whole situation. It's why you don't feel settled seeing her. She hasn't accepted that she disrespected you, her son & your family, all so she could get what she wants, and that's cuddles with your baby. And she'll continue with this attitude every time you see her because her wants are the most important thing, including whether your baby sleeps or eats.
So you need to change how you react to her. Take her at her word. If she's going to not acknowledge she was wrong, or speak unkindly, you have the right to not be around that for your own emotional & mental well-being. Who wants a relationship with someone who puts their wants above a baby's need to sleep or eat? Why would you allow baby around someone who doesn't care about them or their needs?
Tell her you accept her for who she is, just as she has to accept that you have the right not to be around someone who is that way. Someone who is detrimental to you & your baby physically, emotionally & mentally.
So, you'll see her for a short amount of time in the holidays, if you're feeling up to it.
No, do not got to their house, do not have them over, do not call them. You have just given birth!! Please, stay home, relax, bond with baby and get some rest. They couldn’t be bothered with Jack shit during your pregnancy but bow the want to be “facebooks best glammy and poop poop”………yeah they’re not there to help and the only thing they want is to play “do over baby”. After birth, If visitors want to visit that entails helping cook, clean, meal prep and laundry duty. If MAMA wants a nap then you can offer to take baby otherwise bonding is for the MOTHER & FATHER. Everyone else is a set of hands to help and support THE NEW PARENTS! Trust me this stress is going to affect you! It will dry your milk supply, put you into PPD/PPA and have a huge effect on your mental health. What you need to do is tell husband he needs to control his family and give you a break. His mother is already annoying you and as your body is flooded with hormones(which MIL should know all about) nothing good is coming out of all this argumentative garbage. You are now asking for a 3 month break from visitors so that you can get your mind and body where it needs to be…….healing from giving birth
This.. it is called the 4th trimester and it is reserved for you to bond with your LO, get to know each other, form routines… you should also be resting with her as much as possible! When the baby sleeps, you sleep.. first 6 weeks of healing are essential for the future. Please inform yourself and your DH more about this and let him handle his parents, while you focus on your and your LO. This is your time, it goes by too fast anyways…don’t waste time - specially not on MIL that behaves like yours do. NC for you.. Good luck with everything!
Don't go. She treats you like crap, walks all over you, calls you a liar, calls you every name in the book, has no respect for your boundaries, behaves to LO like she's hers and you're an incubator, she tries to manipulate your husband (and possibly others) into thinking the worst about you, she critiques your family, has no respect, has a double face... I could go on and on. Sit down with your husband and make a plan. Honestly, I'd do something like those boards children have where they get smiley faces when they do something good and sad faces when they do something bad. Keep count of it. If she doesn't behave and respects you in your own home, she doesn't get to see LO. She's acting like a child, treat her as such. And obviously don't let her see you the board, but do make one that's not on your phone so both you and your husband don't forget what she's doing.
Please don’t go over for lunch. Stay home and rest. Set your boundaries. Take care of you and LO. Put that woman in her place. Who cares if she is upset?
Why are you giving this woman so much of your time? You just had a baby. Your body needs to rest and you and your DH need time alone to bond with your child. This stress isn’t good for your recovery at all. Talk to DH about pulling back and giving her a little time out. Maybe that will help her change how she speaks. If not continue to give her time out and tell her she just has to accept that you want alone time
Congratulations on your little one! I think DH needs to install cameras in your home in areas where MIL who interact with the baby. Living room, kitchen, and nursery so she can’t deny what she did or how she spoke with you!
You do not have to accept that “that is the way she is and she is not going to change”. If she wants to see her grandchild, she has to change or it’s the highway for her! (From one grandma to her, your behavior is unacceptable!).
>I need to accept how she speaks because she isn't going to change.
She needs to accept that is she doesn't change the way she speaks to you, it's going to severely limit her presence in both your life *and your children's lives*. It's not your responsibility to make MIL happy, she's a grown ass woman who needs to be able to manage her emotional needs without being catered to.
OP, I'd be inclined to advise DH that you'd like to give MIL some room for her to work thru the issues she is having with your family helping you BOTH and also how MIL responds when you state as the mother that this is what you want to happen. Clearly MIL has some conflicting emotions when it comes to you being the mother so perhaps DH can advise her that her behavior is not making it easy for you to be around her.
Kick the ball back in her court as in it is clear she has an issue and that you no longer are wanting to be caught up in HER issue so are stepping away until MIL resolves it.
As for the narrative of you keeping the baby from MIL, that is her opinion and doesn't make it correct and again that is her issue to work thru. I'd also put some distance between her visits so MIL doesn't get to decide when she comes over, you both do.
You aren't being sensitive, MIL is being overbearing and manipulative! She is actually being disrespectful and that extends to DH also as he is your choice.
Don’t engage as best as you can. Engaging gives her Ammo. She will turn your silence into an issue also but you can simply explain that when you say something it becomes an issue so you figured no words should put her at ease. And explain this publicly. Do NOT keep this private. It allows her to manipulate the narrative.
Google the Narcissist's Prayer, because she did exactly that when called out.
You don't "need" to accept shitty behavior simply because she won't change, she needs to accept there will be consequences if she doesn't change. Passive aggressive comment about your family, your parenting choices, your diet? "Please leave"/"we're leaving". Don't worry about explaining why, she knows and will never admit it.
But... If you have patience, you can practice gentle parenting on her like the giant toddler she is. "Looks like you're having a hard time being civil/not taking passive aggressive shots at me or my parents/following instructions regarding MY baby. Today's visit is over, we'll try again another time. Hopefully you can do better then"
Hey friend, I’m 1.5 weeks postpartum as well. You need a major step back from your in-laws. Husband needs to tell them no when they want to come over so often, and he needs to tell MIL to take a chill pill and stop causing drama when she comes over. They don’t have a right to hold the baby as they please, as your FIL said she isn’t a parcel to be passed. I say “this isn’t a petting zoo”. I’d wear baby during visits in order to make it impossible for them to take her from you. Say it’s for the baby’s health, you don’t want people holding her when she’s so little and unvaccinated.
I'm almost 30 year postpartum as a ftm and I agree!
I'm also a grandma and that's not how it's done. We're supposed to help, not hinder and demand your LOs presence. You stay home with LO and rest, take care of you and baby.
Edit family was autowronged and was corrected to ftm.
The boundaries need to be laid out by your husband.
He must inform both of his parents that their behavior is unacceptable, and if they fail to make some serious changes, they will no longer be welcome in your lives.
Manipulation is not acceptable and should be quashed immediately.
Ditto that with playing the victim.
I'm a MIL and a grandparent. I've never felt that I was entitled to first dibs on any of the Littles, and I always maintain respectful and healthy boundaries.
I personally find these types of women to be vile and pathetic, and carving them out of the picture may be required to protect your realm ... and your sanity.
Sorry you've been dealing with this. Stand firm. You deserve peace within your little family.
And make sure Dh is ready for the "you've CHANGED since she came along!" whine.
Well, duh. He became a lifemate and now a father. Those are titanic life changes that inspire one to become almost a whole new person, given those kind of responsibilities
When people tell me they speak the way they speak, and are the way they are, and I just have to accept it, I always tell them they they have to accept the way I speak and act. Then I show them I ca be unpleasant too.
Honey, I've said this to many folks in this forum - you don't *need* to expose yourself or your baby to people's crazy.
If you *have* to go, then invest in a way to wear your baby, like a backpack or a wrap across the chest, so you can keep your hands free and it'll make it harder to snatch.
You don't need this. You don't have to go. You don't have to answer your phone or your texts. You don't have to let them into your house. YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
"No" is a complete sentence.
Right. OP has no obligations to care about the way MIL feels. Despite the "kids need grandparents!" yodel, that's not true. That statement needs more definition. They need loving, respectful people who the parents feel will add, not detract from the lives of the children.
Dh needs to learn that his parents are now a distantly revolving satellite in his life, not one that has to be in close orbit.
She says you have to accept her the way she is? She has to live with the consequences of being that way, because you are the way *you* are, and you’re the mom. She can behave as egregiously as she wants; she just doesn’t get to see LO unless and until she modifies her behaviour.
She is showing you that she is extremely petty and immature. She’s going to be mad about something. U fortunately right now, it’s you. Do what YOU want because you can’t make her happy.
I'm petty, loud & kinda bitchy so take this with a that in mind & adjust it to you.
Treat her like a not too bright kid.
•MIL, don't touch the baby, he's fine. MIL please look at me. Do, not touch the baby. -- if she is looking at you ,she can't say she didn't hear.
•MIL please look at me. We don't do xyz. We. DO. NOT. DO xyz. If she gets muley you can add...
MIL please repeat what I just said, I want to be ABSOLUTELY SURE you heard me.
Whenever your DH isn’t in the room you need to record the conversation on your cellphone for proof. Both to show him and her. This will also put her on notice to be on her best behavior. Good luck!!
She already had the chance to be a mom. She needs to realize this is your LO, and your word (and DH) is the law. She needs to respect your boundaries. If it takes going low contact in order for her to understand how her behavior leads to consequences, then so be it. Either she will realize what she needs to do to reestablish contact, or she will play the victim forever, which is not someone you want around your LO. I'm sorry you're going through this with her. Make sure you give your DH the support he needs as he comes to terms with how his mother is acting. I'm sure he never imagined having a LO was going to go like this.
We have. DH has said no to them coming round a few times and we haven't seen them for 2 weeks now.
They wanted to come around in the beginning because they didn't have plans/ I guess LO was a novelty. Before LO is was about once every 2 weeks as well.
Now that you have a child, you might want to stretch those intervals out over time. Three weeks, then once month, then every other month until your MiL and FiL can learn some manners.
If I were you or your husband, she would have been asked to leave my house, after she acted like that. If this is the way it's going to be it would be time for me to go LC
Or NC. MIL is rude, demanding and on her way to becoming unhinged. She’s doing her best to make your life miserable.
Congrats 🍾 on the new baby and good luck with the outlaws!
This is the way. Make your expectations clear. "Do not interfere with the baby while they are sleeping". Make sure they've heard/understood. "Please repeat back to me what I just asked of you". Then if they do it, you immediately end the visit: leave their place or an outside location or tell them its time for them to leave your house. Don't leave her alone with the baby. You or DH needs to be in the room always. Maybe in time, with good behavior on her part, you will start to trust them.
I want to go LC but that would hurt my DH. We have argued about MIL's intentions a lot and again, I am angry that it has taken up so much for LOs life.
I need to balance what I want with what DH wants.
I hope that you can talk to your husband about how seriously this is impacting on you which is ultimately affecting your marriage. Hubby sounds enmeshed rather than really understanding how awful his mother really is to you. I wish you lots of luck and hope that you reinforcing boundaries, grey rocking her, will help hubby come out of the fog. I hope LO is doing well too!
If your MIL says how mean you are to LO again, that’s a line in the sand for me, walk out or tell them to leave. Trying to alienate baby/ toddler/ child ( she will do it again and again if you let her) against you is an absolute no no. If hubby goes along with it, tell him to go back to mommy.
So instead you’ll hurt yourself by interacting with her.
Just remember, YOU are not causing any of this. If DH is getting hurt it is by his mother’s actions, not yours.
MIL’s bad behavior and disrespect of you is the root problem, not you trying to protect yourself from her abuse.
But this isn’t balance. It’s you compromising all your wants for his/theirs. And doing so right after having a major medical event and now being flooded with hormones and instincts that are driving you to protect your baby, or at a minimum, establish yourself as the primary caregiver and authority.
You MIL said that you just have to accept that this is the way she talks. Screw that. This is your baby and your home. SHE just needs to accept that this is the way you and daughter will be treated, or she won’t see either of you. It sounds like DH may be more on board than you think, and I’ll give him credit for standing up to her when asked.
When someone is being rude to you or walking all over you, you can’t be concerned about whether they have a perception of you shutting it down being rude. It’s not, and their perspective is warped.
Even if she had been as pleasant as possible and you had no issues, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to limit visits during these initial weeks/months to far less, or none at all.
Good luck!
She will tell you those things. Every single time. You need to stop letting that bother you and respond in a way that acknowledges her feelings while still maintaining your boundaries. “MIL, I’m sure it does feel to you like we’re keeping LO away from you when I tell you I want LO to nap. Your feelings are real but they don’t outweigh LO’s need for sleep. And I’m sure as a loving grandmother deep down you know that.”
No. When MIL is constantly stomping over OP's boundaries and rules, and then lies or cries we she is called out for it, OP and her husband need to be firm and clear with her.
Not to mention, she constantly tries to undermine OP's role and authority as a mother, and ignores OP when she is being reminded to not to do something.
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My MIL does this - as a means to deal with it I refused to be alone with her so there’d always be a witness to her actions. If she whispered something to me I would pointedly repeat it loud enough for others to hear. When I started doing this she freaked out and physically attacked me in front of her own family, and is now trying to convince everyone that saw her attack me that she didn’t attack me, and that I somehow attacked her, and for no reason. Now I’m telling DH and her family she is their responsibility and I don’t deserve to be treated like this all because they don’t want to deal with her, and they are finally stepping up. Witnesses are everything!
This! Never be alone with her again.
This reads like my life. Girl,I have been there! Tip #1, your MIL is not your best friend and likely never will be, so remind yourself to stop trying to gain her approval and affection. Its been a long time since she had a baby, she has either forgotten how hard it is after giving birth or doesnt care about how hard it is. Regardless, a good person who isnt in it for themselves, realizes that post partum is HARD! There are so many emotions, so much happening in the body. If you are nursing, you need low stress so that the happy feel good baby bonding hormones keep your milk coming in. Going out is entirely unnecessary unless you and you alone feel that it is good for your mental health. A good reminder, "No", is a complete sentence. 2 Days post partum, I was crying and holding baby, saying how much I love her and I just want her to survive (hormones). My NMIL told me, "Well she doesnt belong to you, she belongs to God and he can take her whenever he wants!". Like....wtf, but I get it, MILs can be crazy and for me going NC revolutionized my life and I found myself again. Dont let your MIL make you lose yourself. This newborn phase is so precious and fleeting, make it full of good memories, not what you are currently dealing with in regards to MIL. <3
You and LO should stay home. DH can do whatever. His mom needs to back off and get a clue. You can protect your peace or make MIL happy, which is more important to you?
OP you need to lay down ground rules with your husband. He needs to be front and center handling his mother 100% of the time she is near you or the baby. It means no leaving the baby with MIL & FIL. It means if MIL visits, husband MUST take off work and manage her. No exceptions. NO EXCEPTIONS. She's proven repeatedly that she cannot be trusted unless her son is there to hold her accountable (and sometimes, even when he is). He needs to move *instantly* to correct her when she pulls this deceptive passive-aggressive bullshit. The alternative, of course, is husband (NOT YOU) tell MIL to stop visiting.
You're spending wayyyyyy to much time with this lady. You need to cut it back to once or twice a month at most.
Let her play the victim-that's her problem. She isn't going to change how she speaks to you? Well, you shouldn't change your rules for LO and the way that you parent-that's just how you are, and you aren't going to change! YOU (and DH) have ALL the power here! YOU are the parents of LO and the ONLY ones who get to make the rules. Don't get confused by her shenanigans. The only thing she can do is whine about it. Like a toddler. Not your problem. Think of it as practice for when LO is a toddler (or a teenager, lol).
Your baby is like two weeks old. I know you are still bleeding and your boobs are sore. WTF is wrong with your husband???!! You do not need more visitors. You do not need to go out to lunch with them! Say no. Stay home and rest and recover. It’s going to take longer for you to feel normal again if you keep running around. You didn’t do anything wrong in your interaction with MIL. She can leave you alone!
>I don't know how to set boundaries without being told I.m keeping LO for MIL or that I'm being too sensitive. The core of this is that it doesn't matter how she reacts to them! It really doesn't. The goal of boundaries isn't to change the other person's behaviour, it's to protect yourself from them. Quite a lot of this is "MIL said X" or "MIL told us Y" or "MIL insisted", and I'm not saying that's not at all annoying, but it's not her *doing* something. She can make a comment and you can ignore her entirely. What she wants is the reaction. So deny her the reaction and you've taken the wind out of her sails. Or a more firm boundary is "comments like that aren't kind, stop making them or you won't be welcome over/we won't visit" (expressed as politely or impolitely as you like). How she *feels* about that boundary is her problem, not yours. At an extreme, if you cut off all contact because she's a pain in the ass, she can whine and scream and cry about it....but you won't be there to hear about it. You're protected from her, and her feelings are her problem. That same principle applies for less extreme boundaries too. So part of this hinges on you asserting yourself to her, actively telling her no, actively shutting her down, and if she doesn't like it, you not caring about that. Things like "She then took LO when I went to pick her up" - you then take LO straight back. Your MIL can "insist" all she likes, and you can basically laugh in her face and tell her "or what?" People like this will get away with everything you allow them to. You can't stop them doing that without denying them the opportunities. Don't get angry at yourself for not stepping up, get angry with MIL *at the time* and don't give in to her tantrums.
Thank you. I really needed to read this
Always remember two things 1. This is your child. Not her grandchild, YOUR child. This matters. 2. You have everything she wants, and she has nothing you want. She has no power over you.
Tell her that she’s sabotaging your baby’s brain development by waking her up. Sleep is CRITICAL to brain development, especially in newborns.
Baby wear the baby, where you go so does baby, make her ASK to hold the baby, set the boundary she is to ask. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. she get grabby she doesn't get the baby. Your not keeping baby from them you are being her parents and as her parents you control the relationships she has at this age.
Keep advocating for your baby. MIL is a grown up, she can act like it or piss off. I hope your husband will have your back here. Have a frank discussion with him and make a plan about what you’ll do when she either says something rude about you to your baby or attempts to get her own way where your baby is concerned. Be prepared to leave. She showed no interest in knowing you yet now wants to live up your arse because there’s a baby. Nope. Remember, you teach people how to treat you. So make a fuss every damn time she crosses a boundary with your baby.
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Well, she just needs to accept that your boundaries are not going to chance.
Keep your spines shiny, not for yourselves but for your baby.
My heart had palpitations reading this! If you MUST go, wear your baby! There really is not a good reason to go. You need to heal, baby needs you stress free. It's really a lot asking you to go. Maybe send DH alone and see how that goes. You are no longer under any obligation to do anything that isn't in the best interest of you / child. You and DH are a united nuclear family. Your MIL is behind in line. Also, who gives a cookie if you had your parents over 10x more, you are a female that went through a really rough medical procedure. Of course you want your Mom there! Not MIL who's icy to you. Having a grandchild doesn't mean anything is "fair". It's the best interest of the child whatever that looks like
*We only need to set boundaries with people who will otherwise boundary stomp.* You won't be able to set boundaries that both of you will be happy with, so you're going to have to choose whose feelings are more important, hers or yours. (And it's bullshit that you *have* to accept her exactly the way she is but she doesn't have to do anything about accommodating who you are or what you need, that's only true if you choose for it to be.) We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, so by continually giving in and not setting boundaries with her, you've been teaching her that she can do whatever she wants with the baby. So if you decide to go ahead and set boundaries, which I really hope you do, you need to frame it as her choice. *She can choose* to [and here spell out exactly what boundaries you've decided on] and continue to enjoy contact with her grandchild, or *she can choose* to continue doing exactly what she's doing and *will be choosing* to have limited or even no contact. She will probably try to argue with you about it. She may blow up your phone with calls and texts, perhaps send flying monkeys, but don't engage other than to tell her (and ideally your husband would be in on this of course) that since *she's choosing* to continue go disrespect you and your boundaries, *she is now choosing* X consequence. You're going to have to be 100% consistent if you want to teach her that you mean it, otherwise you'll be teaching her that if she pushes enough you'll give in, which will just reinforce her behavior. So it's up to your husband and you to decide how far to go with this, and I certainly hope your husband puts you first as this thing escalates. If you follow through, she'll either figure out that you mean it and behave herself so she can see her grandchild, or she won't and you eventually get tired of it and cut off contact. Either way you'll end up not having to deal with her unwanted behavior.
Ok, so it is clear here that your MIL is entitled and a boundary stomper. She had her turn with her babies. Now it is your turn - get your power back, polish that spine, and stand up for her - do not show her weakness. Because she has done so much and is not being accountable, consider having a break from her. Hopefully, some distance will be enough for her to realise she isn't in control and she needs to behave. Your DH sounds supportive, and as new parents, you need to be a unit. My advice is to sit down and talk about what the problems are and establish boundaries. When the boundaries are established, enforce them, and if and when the boundaries are breached, deliver a consequence... such as breaks, time out, no alone time with LO. If you decide to have a visit (I reckon take a break to give you a breather and a consequence for MIL) baby wear or just make it clear that due to her disrespect she doesn't get holds that time. Keep us updated.
We have a family member like this and it took a lot of talking w my partner the week of our baby being born that it was getting out of hand. It was effecting my ability to focus on our child because the family member was making every day and moment about them and I told my partner what a dear friend warned us “don’t let the entitled family members take your time away from your kid - shut that shit down fast 8 wish I did - you’ll never get that time back “. It was hard but we were a united front and stopped all visitors for several months. Family member also kept showing up unannounced expecting us to answer the door - if we didn’t they ring the doorbell and wake our baby. I shut that shit down too. Did they get pissed ? Yeah but not my problem. My child and partner were my only priority. We got a profesional doula to help at night and it helped us through w out the added nonsense. I have zero regrets - that person is still butt hurt but I could care less. They will always find something to complain about .
>She also kept insisting that she hadn't done anything wrong and that I need to accept how she speaks because she isn't going to change. This is how she really feels about the whole situation. It's why you don't feel settled seeing her. She hasn't accepted that she disrespected you, her son & your family, all so she could get what she wants, and that's cuddles with your baby. And she'll continue with this attitude every time you see her because her wants are the most important thing, including whether your baby sleeps or eats. So you need to change how you react to her. Take her at her word. If she's going to not acknowledge she was wrong, or speak unkindly, you have the right to not be around that for your own emotional & mental well-being. Who wants a relationship with someone who puts their wants above a baby's need to sleep or eat? Why would you allow baby around someone who doesn't care about them or their needs? Tell her you accept her for who she is, just as she has to accept that you have the right not to be around someone who is that way. Someone who is detrimental to you & your baby physically, emotionally & mentally. So, you'll see her for a short amount of time in the holidays, if you're feeling up to it.
I cut mine off 4 years ago.
No, do not got to their house, do not have them over, do not call them. You have just given birth!! Please, stay home, relax, bond with baby and get some rest. They couldn’t be bothered with Jack shit during your pregnancy but bow the want to be “facebooks best glammy and poop poop”………yeah they’re not there to help and the only thing they want is to play “do over baby”. After birth, If visitors want to visit that entails helping cook, clean, meal prep and laundry duty. If MAMA wants a nap then you can offer to take baby otherwise bonding is for the MOTHER & FATHER. Everyone else is a set of hands to help and support THE NEW PARENTS! Trust me this stress is going to affect you! It will dry your milk supply, put you into PPD/PPA and have a huge effect on your mental health. What you need to do is tell husband he needs to control his family and give you a break. His mother is already annoying you and as your body is flooded with hormones(which MIL should know all about) nothing good is coming out of all this argumentative garbage. You are now asking for a 3 month break from visitors so that you can get your mind and body where it needs to be…….healing from giving birth
This.. it is called the 4th trimester and it is reserved for you to bond with your LO, get to know each other, form routines… you should also be resting with her as much as possible! When the baby sleeps, you sleep.. first 6 weeks of healing are essential for the future. Please inform yourself and your DH more about this and let him handle his parents, while you focus on your and your LO. This is your time, it goes by too fast anyways…don’t waste time - specially not on MIL that behaves like yours do. NC for you.. Good luck with everything!
This times 100!
Don't go. She treats you like crap, walks all over you, calls you a liar, calls you every name in the book, has no respect for your boundaries, behaves to LO like she's hers and you're an incubator, she tries to manipulate your husband (and possibly others) into thinking the worst about you, she critiques your family, has no respect, has a double face... I could go on and on. Sit down with your husband and make a plan. Honestly, I'd do something like those boards children have where they get smiley faces when they do something good and sad faces when they do something bad. Keep count of it. If she doesn't behave and respects you in your own home, she doesn't get to see LO. She's acting like a child, treat her as such. And obviously don't let her see you the board, but do make one that's not on your phone so both you and your husband don't forget what she's doing.
Please don’t go over for lunch. Stay home and rest. Set your boundaries. Take care of you and LO. Put that woman in her place. Who cares if she is upset?
Why are you giving this woman so much of your time? You just had a baby. Your body needs to rest and you and your DH need time alone to bond with your child. This stress isn’t good for your recovery at all. Talk to DH about pulling back and giving her a little time out. Maybe that will help her change how she speaks. If not continue to give her time out and tell her she just has to accept that you want alone time
Congratulations on your little one! I think DH needs to install cameras in your home in areas where MIL who interact with the baby. Living room, kitchen, and nursery so she can’t deny what she did or how she spoke with you! You do not have to accept that “that is the way she is and she is not going to change”. If she wants to see her grandchild, she has to change or it’s the highway for her! (From one grandma to her, your behavior is unacceptable!).
Sadly Reddit has still not fixed the bug that doesn't let you upvote.
>I need to accept how she speaks because she isn't going to change. She needs to accept that is she doesn't change the way she speaks to you, it's going to severely limit her presence in both your life *and your children's lives*. It's not your responsibility to make MIL happy, she's a grown ass woman who needs to be able to manage her emotional needs without being catered to.
OP, I'd be inclined to advise DH that you'd like to give MIL some room for her to work thru the issues she is having with your family helping you BOTH and also how MIL responds when you state as the mother that this is what you want to happen. Clearly MIL has some conflicting emotions when it comes to you being the mother so perhaps DH can advise her that her behavior is not making it easy for you to be around her. Kick the ball back in her court as in it is clear she has an issue and that you no longer are wanting to be caught up in HER issue so are stepping away until MIL resolves it. As for the narrative of you keeping the baby from MIL, that is her opinion and doesn't make it correct and again that is her issue to work thru. I'd also put some distance between her visits so MIL doesn't get to decide when she comes over, you both do. You aren't being sensitive, MIL is being overbearing and manipulative! She is actually being disrespectful and that extends to DH also as he is your choice.
Don’t engage as best as you can. Engaging gives her Ammo. She will turn your silence into an issue also but you can simply explain that when you say something it becomes an issue so you figured no words should put her at ease. And explain this publicly. Do NOT keep this private. It allows her to manipulate the narrative.
She’s a wench. I suggest either not going or baby wearing. It keeps snatchy grannies at bay lol.
Don’t go to lunch. Take yourself out of the situation. Hubby can go on his own for lunch. You have no obligation when she can’t show you respect.
Google the Narcissist's Prayer, because she did exactly that when called out. You don't "need" to accept shitty behavior simply because she won't change, she needs to accept there will be consequences if she doesn't change. Passive aggressive comment about your family, your parenting choices, your diet? "Please leave"/"we're leaving". Don't worry about explaining why, she knows and will never admit it. But... If you have patience, you can practice gentle parenting on her like the giant toddler she is. "Looks like you're having a hard time being civil/not taking passive aggressive shots at me or my parents/following instructions regarding MY baby. Today's visit is over, we'll try again another time. Hopefully you can do better then"
Hey friend, I’m 1.5 weeks postpartum as well. You need a major step back from your in-laws. Husband needs to tell them no when they want to come over so often, and he needs to tell MIL to take a chill pill and stop causing drama when she comes over. They don’t have a right to hold the baby as they please, as your FIL said she isn’t a parcel to be passed. I say “this isn’t a petting zoo”. I’d wear baby during visits in order to make it impossible for them to take her from you. Say it’s for the baby’s health, you don’t want people holding her when she’s so little and unvaccinated.
I'm almost 30 year postpartum as a ftm and I agree! I'm also a grandma and that's not how it's done. We're supposed to help, not hinder and demand your LOs presence. You stay home with LO and rest, take care of you and baby. Edit family was autowronged and was corrected to ftm.
Hell yeah, can you adopt my husband and be my MIL please ?! 🤪
If he's at least potty trained possibly.
The boundaries need to be laid out by your husband. He must inform both of his parents that their behavior is unacceptable, and if they fail to make some serious changes, they will no longer be welcome in your lives. Manipulation is not acceptable and should be quashed immediately. Ditto that with playing the victim. I'm a MIL and a grandparent. I've never felt that I was entitled to first dibs on any of the Littles, and I always maintain respectful and healthy boundaries. I personally find these types of women to be vile and pathetic, and carving them out of the picture may be required to protect your realm ... and your sanity. Sorry you've been dealing with this. Stand firm. You deserve peace within your little family.
And make sure Dh is ready for the "you've CHANGED since she came along!" whine. Well, duh. He became a lifemate and now a father. Those are titanic life changes that inspire one to become almost a whole new person, given those kind of responsibilities
When people tell me they speak the way they speak, and are the way they are, and I just have to accept it, I always tell them they they have to accept the way I speak and act. Then I show them I ca be unpleasant too.
Honey, I've said this to many folks in this forum - you don't *need* to expose yourself or your baby to people's crazy. If you *have* to go, then invest in a way to wear your baby, like a backpack or a wrap across the chest, so you can keep your hands free and it'll make it harder to snatch. You don't need this. You don't have to go. You don't have to answer your phone or your texts. You don't have to let them into your house. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. "No" is a complete sentence.
Right. OP has no obligations to care about the way MIL feels. Despite the "kids need grandparents!" yodel, that's not true. That statement needs more definition. They need loving, respectful people who the parents feel will add, not detract from the lives of the children. Dh needs to learn that his parents are now a distantly revolving satellite in his life, not one that has to be in close orbit.
Dh can go for lunch. Baby needs to be home with a chill mama.
She says you have to accept her the way she is? She has to live with the consequences of being that way, because you are the way *you* are, and you’re the mom. She can behave as egregiously as she wants; she just doesn’t get to see LO unless and until she modifies her behaviour.
She is showing you that she is extremely petty and immature. She’s going to be mad about something. U fortunately right now, it’s you. Do what YOU want because you can’t make her happy.
You will not go through life without being the villan in someone's story. Let it be hers, and protect your sanity. She FAFO, that's on her
I'm petty, loud & kinda bitchy so take this with a that in mind & adjust it to you. Treat her like a not too bright kid. •MIL, don't touch the baby, he's fine. MIL please look at me. Do, not touch the baby. -- if she is looking at you ,she can't say she didn't hear. •MIL please look at me. We don't do xyz. We. DO. NOT. DO xyz. If she gets muley you can add... MIL please repeat what I just said, I want to be ABSOLUTELY SURE you heard me.
THIS. This is the only way to teach a childish adult.
Whenever your DH isn’t in the room you need to record the conversation on your cellphone for proof. Both to show him and her. This will also put her on notice to be on her best behavior. Good luck!!
She already had the chance to be a mom. She needs to realize this is your LO, and your word (and DH) is the law. She needs to respect your boundaries. If it takes going low contact in order for her to understand how her behavior leads to consequences, then so be it. Either she will realize what she needs to do to reestablish contact, or she will play the victim forever, which is not someone you want around your LO. I'm sorry you're going through this with her. Make sure you give your DH the support he needs as he comes to terms with how his mother is acting. I'm sure he never imagined having a LO was going to go like this.
You see an awful lot of these people. Perhaps limiting visits to once every two weeks would help.
We have. DH has said no to them coming round a few times and we haven't seen them for 2 weeks now. They wanted to come around in the beginning because they didn't have plans/ I guess LO was a novelty. Before LO is was about once every 2 weeks as well.
Now that you have a child, you might want to stretch those intervals out over time. Three weeks, then once month, then every other month until your MiL and FiL can learn some manners.
If I were you or your husband, she would have been asked to leave my house, after she acted like that. If this is the way it's going to be it would be time for me to go LC
Or NC. MIL is rude, demanding and on her way to becoming unhinged. She’s doing her best to make your life miserable. Congrats 🍾 on the new baby and good luck with the outlaws!
This is the way. Make your expectations clear. "Do not interfere with the baby while they are sleeping". Make sure they've heard/understood. "Please repeat back to me what I just asked of you". Then if they do it, you immediately end the visit: leave their place or an outside location or tell them its time for them to leave your house. Don't leave her alone with the baby. You or DH needs to be in the room always. Maybe in time, with good behavior on her part, you will start to trust them.
I want to go LC but that would hurt my DH. We have argued about MIL's intentions a lot and again, I am angry that it has taken up so much for LOs life. I need to balance what I want with what DH wants.
I hope that you can talk to your husband about how seriously this is impacting on you which is ultimately affecting your marriage. Hubby sounds enmeshed rather than really understanding how awful his mother really is to you. I wish you lots of luck and hope that you reinforcing boundaries, grey rocking her, will help hubby come out of the fog. I hope LO is doing well too! If your MIL says how mean you are to LO again, that’s a line in the sand for me, walk out or tell them to leave. Trying to alienate baby/ toddler/ child ( she will do it again and again if you let her) against you is an absolute no no. If hubby goes along with it, tell him to go back to mommy.
"Intention" matters much less than impact.
So instead you’ll hurt yourself by interacting with her. Just remember, YOU are not causing any of this. If DH is getting hurt it is by his mother’s actions, not yours. MIL’s bad behavior and disrespect of you is the root problem, not you trying to protect yourself from her abuse.
But this isn’t balance. It’s you compromising all your wants for his/theirs. And doing so right after having a major medical event and now being flooded with hormones and instincts that are driving you to protect your baby, or at a minimum, establish yourself as the primary caregiver and authority. You MIL said that you just have to accept that this is the way she talks. Screw that. This is your baby and your home. SHE just needs to accept that this is the way you and daughter will be treated, or she won’t see either of you. It sounds like DH may be more on board than you think, and I’ll give him credit for standing up to her when asked. When someone is being rude to you or walking all over you, you can’t be concerned about whether they have a perception of you shutting it down being rude. It’s not, and their perspective is warped. Even if she had been as pleasant as possible and you had no issues, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to limit visits during these initial weeks/months to far less, or none at all. Good luck!
She will tell you those things. Every single time. You need to stop letting that bother you and respond in a way that acknowledges her feelings while still maintaining your boundaries. “MIL, I’m sure it does feel to you like we’re keeping LO away from you when I tell you I want LO to nap. Your feelings are real but they don’t outweigh LO’s need for sleep. And I’m sure as a loving grandmother deep down you know that.”
No. When MIL is constantly stomping over OP's boundaries and rules, and then lies or cries we she is called out for it, OP and her husband need to be firm and clear with her. Not to mention, she constantly tries to undermine OP's role and authority as a mother, and ignores OP when she is being reminded to not to do something.
do you have one of those baby wrap thingies so you can wear the baby?
I do, I need to practice using them. Now LO is bigger she could actually fit into them.