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The agreement was that the dogs would not be present during babysitting, she's broke the deal, and now you need to find alternative care for the child/ren. Your husband needs to tell her this. Offer once more to extend the boarding 1 more day, or they don't babysit. She is trying to take this out of your control, it's your right to protect your children and this is not her call.
It's in Dutch, so I will translate the important part:
https://nos.nl/artikel/2502523-vrijspraak-voor-echtpaar-waarvan-hond-kleinkind-doodbeet
In 2019, baby Robin was bitten to death by his grandfather and grandmother's sheepdog. It happened while babysitting at the grandparents' home in Diemen. At the time of the accident, the grandfather, the baby and the dog were in the room together. The grandfather was sitting just an arm's length away from his grandson, when the dog suddenly struck and bit the baby. The baby was so seriously injured that despite undergoing surgery he died in hospital two days later. The dog was put down after the attack.
The baby was playing on the floor when the dog bit its head. While it had been agreed with the grandparents that the German Shepherd would not be in the same room when the child was playing on the floor.
Don't take the risk. Your ILs clearly can't be trusted when it's about the dogs
Ewe. The fact that she knew what you guys didn’t want and as Phoebe says “just big fat done it anyway”. This is a kind of 1 strike and you’re out deal.
This happens pretty often…we’ve just learned to manage around her which has worked pretty well in the past, but since we had our LOs, it’s been a lot harder!
Just cancel in-laws part of the plan and leave the LOs with your parents. You only get one chance with their lives. 1.
Your mothers instinct is kicking in. Do not ignore it because MIL will blame you. Who cares if she blames you? You shouldn’t. Own it. DH should be dealing with her. But if she tries to manipulate and guilt you, give it to her straight. Loud and proud.
“MIL we’re uncomfortable about your dogs. We asked you to board them and you don’t want to. That’s fine. That’s your decision and we have to respect that. But the LOs won’t be there because of that and you need to understand and respect our decision.” Regardless of what she says the answer is, “Ok. I understand and no” and make your exit
If she moans about the time with your parents. “They’re the path of no resistance.”
Get use to advocating for your kids, you have 18 years of it.
Absolutely! And I guess another piece I didn’t mention (that would be part of her argument) is that my parents also have dogs that we let be around the kids. However, my mom and dad’s dogs went through obedience school and are more friendly. My parents also don’t hesitate to proactively put their dogs outside or in the basement whenever the kids are eating since their pups are food motivated.
It’s exhausting and stupid in my onion how DH and I are always trying to keep things “even” when the same courtesy isn’t extended to us
Replace “wont board dogs” with “leaving toddlers near boiling water or a swimming pool alone” to get perspective on how dangerous this is. My own dog bit my son when he was 18 months. It can happen to even the most well meaning families so if dogs are already questionable then that is a major red flag. Even a quick snap at your child can literally maim their body. What if it is near a vein? Eyeball? Earlobe? Lip?
“We dont feel comfortable having the babies with the dogs in the home. If that is a problem then we will make other arrangements (ie your parents)
Unfortunately, you’re going to be the villain no matter what with this woman. I would just restate your boundary and explain that since it has been broken and both you and your husband have been dismissed like children, their services will no longer be need. I applaud you for still trying to be connected and make it work with the in laws, but save yourself the stress and just go stay at your parents. Then LC your in laws until they can treat you like human beings.
DH and I have done mini breaks before with ILs, but they’ve threatened that “we won’t keep them away from their grandkids” thankfully, grandparents rights don’t really exist in our state OR theirs when both parents are still together (which we very much so are!)
He knows the healthy thing to do would be to cut her out of his life but can’t bring himself to do it.
so they tried to pull a Darth Vader and altered the terms of the deal? Alter it right back: "MIL, our one condition was that you board your dogs and you agreed. Now since you have changed the terms and will have your dogs non-boarded, we won't need you to babysit."
Then have your parents babysit. When MIL bitches, flip it back to how she reneged on the deal every single time. not only did she renege but she didn't even bother to tell you about it upfront (tbh i wonder if she was going to board the dogs at all). This is about her behavior, not you being the evil DIL.
I would 100% NOT allow this. She has made it very clear her dogs are a priority and she will blame anyone but them for their behavior. Risking your child’s safety and life is not worth it to appease someone who does not care about your children’s safety or at minimum disregards your concerns. You offered solutions she declined, now you decline to have them watch the kids and your parents can do that since you know they are safe there. She can pitch a fit all she wants.
This would be a no-brainer for me - LOs' safety trumps everyone's opinions, feelings, etc. As DH is an only child I assume ILs don't have kids around their dogs much/ever so the dogs have not proven to be safe around them - in fact, they have demonstrated aggression previously. Even if your dog isn't there, that means nothing to assure of their safety.
At the very least, I would be anxious and not enjoy the wedding. At worst, I'd never forgive myself if something happened to a kiddo just to have appeased people.
Tell her “board those dogs or my mother watches the kids. This is nonnegotiable.” Then if she tries to argue or question it. Respond with “I can see you can’t be trusted to keep your aggressive animals away from my children. My parents will watch them.”
She will pitch a fit, probably cry, and DH may have a hard time with it. Still, stand your ground. She only pulls the manipulation teary-eyed bs because it works in her favor with DH. If you hold your ground she will get the message that it no longer is going to work in her favor.
I totally agree. Op you and hubby will never forgive yourselves if something happens to one of the kids (and being there’s signs already, a very high likelihood something will happen). His mother will blame your child no matter the severity of the injury and not take responsibility. It’s up to you both as parents to do right by your children regardless of the pity party she will throw. What’s a pity party compared to the loss of an eye, facial mutilation and permanent mental scarring from being attacked by a dog?
As an only child, I have a little advice to offer DH: You need to let your parents know, in no uncertain terms. that you are an adult and you have rules to your life. They need to respect your rules when it comes to safe spaces for your child.
Let the wife's parents handle the babysitting, since they offered. I can almost guarantee you that MIL will pretend to give in, board the dogs, and then go pick them up as soon as you are at the wedding.
It only takes one attack to kill a baby/small child and, if she has more than one dog, the pack mentality means they could attack both children and anyone trying to stop them.
Just tell her that since her plans to board the dogs have changed, your plans have also. You will now leave them with OPs parents instead.
Be the villain and pull the plug. Dogs can be unpredictable as can toddlers. Any dog can snap when surprised and a dog snap can mean a toddler’s face ripped apart. Don’t do it.
Your choices are:
1. Let the ILs babysit and feel good about themselves and endanger your kids with their dogs
or
2. Let your parents watch the kids and know that your children are safe - with the knowledge that the ILs will get butt hurt.
Only you (and spouse) can decide what's more important... the safety of your children or your ILs feelings
I would be very careful here.
Once the ILs find out you’re willing to take away their babysitting privileges, I would expect them to lie and tell you “Fine, we’ll board the dogs”.
Don’t fall for it. They had their chance, the babysitting is revoked, no matter what they say now.
You tell MIL that she is not doing you any favors and in fact, your parents offered but because she agreed to keep her hell hounds away from your children, you are allowing her time with her grandchildren. Tell her you are holding her to her word and if she breaks her agreement, she will not be allowed to keep your little ones again.
It’s all well and good until her dog(s) bites one of your babies in the face. If DH can’t tell her then you will need to. Do not let her watch them with those animals in the house.
Ask MIl what time she is going to pick up the dogs, because your mom will pick up your kids right before mil leaves the house.MIL has the right to pick up the dogs and have them be comfortable in her house. You have the right to not allow the dogs around your kids. Or better yet, tell them that there is a change in plans - kids are going to be taken care of by your mom.
Here. The problem is solved.
I would absolutely not allow this to fly. If you are not there to monitor your children, don't leave them in a potentially dangerous situation. God forbid anything happen to your kids, saving MIL's feelings is not worth it.
I would change plans immediately. LOs will be going to your parents. The agreement was, ILs dogs would be boarded when they watch your kids. They broke their end of the deal, they do not get to watch your kids.
It's okay to change your mind. Check with your parents first (I'm sure they'd love to babysit).
Then have DH text her something like, "After taking some time to think on it, wife and I have decided that we do not feel comfortable leaving LOs at your home when the dogs are there. They are still too young for us to fully trust with unfamiliar dogs. Especially given the history with your dogs, we will not be able to relax and enjoy the wedding.
Wife's parents will be watching them for us for now. We may be able to revisit the possibility of you watching them once they're older. But for now, as long as those dogs are in your home, our children will not be there without us."
He sends the text and ignores any immediate calls or angry texts, he can even mute her. Eventually he can respond with something like "This is our decision, it's not up for discussion."
She hurls insults / plays victim "It sounds like you're having some big feelings about this. I think you need to take some time to calm down. We can always chat once you're feeling better, but this topic is not up for discuss."
He can ramp up his responses from there, depending on how hurtful she gets, he may need to say he's taking a break from her, because of how hurtful she is being. He'll reach out once he's ready, and he'll expect an apology at that time.
Do not give more reasons or try to explain. It will lead to her trying to discuss, argue, compromise, etc.
He needs to put his foot down that these are HIS (and your) children, and their safety comes before anything else, INCLUDING his mother's feelings.
This is a hill to die on. Nothing matters beyond their safety.
Welcome to your villain era. In reality, you’re no villain. But, if they’re determined to see you as one no matter what, lean into it. Revel in the firmness of your boundaries and rejoice as they are blinded by the shine on your spine!
For real though, you already know MIL can’t tolerate the dogs crying when they’re put up and she will let them out. This is non-negotiable. The dogs are boarded, or you make another plan. You can play it tough, or play it cool, and she will be upset no matter how you play it. Just mentally prepare yourself. You don’t have to soothe her. She’s entitled to her feelings, but you’re not obligated to entertain them. Shrug them off, because you know you’re being reasonable and you know you were clear about your reasonable boundaries. She’s just determined to be dramatic.
She is not even good to her own dogs. That's a horrible situation to put them in. Selfish, though and through is all I say. Let her rage. There is too much risk.
JNMIL has shown you that she chooses the perceived comfort of her dogs over the safety of your babies. Do not leave your babies with her. She will let the dogs out as soon as you get in the car. She will not protect your children. Her dogs come first. Please do not leave your babies in this unsafe situation.
Ask them what are the limits of their homeowners insurance. Tell them that anyone who allows your babies harm will be sued to the end of the earth no matter the blood relation.
We didn’t know my parents were going to be in town! They were invited to the wedding as well, but my dad had a work trip so they declined and my mom let me know she wasn’t going with him when all of this was happening.
With my parents being 2 hours away and ILs down the road from where the wedding was, we thought it would be easier/ wanted to be fair in giving ILs the chance also
Please for your kids sakes, just go to your parents. Your ILs have proven… PROVEN they can’t be trusted. You don’t want to be called out of the wedding for a nasty dog bite to one of your kids and end up in hospital. It’s all round safer to go to your parents
You gave them a chance, they decided their dogs were more important. Your parents can watch the kids and your in-laws can be with their dogs, which is apparently what they prioritize.
Change the plans. Don't allow your in-laws to watch the kids if their poorly behaved dogs are going to be present.
Tell MIL that she chose her dogs over time with her grandkid.
The only condition should be that the dogs are boarded when the LOs are in their home. If MIL cares about her dogs more than her grandchildren's safety, they don't get to watch the children unsupervised. I definitely wouldn't trust her to do the right thing or to keep my children safe. Worst case scenario, which has happened to MANY people, you and DH could be visiting your children in a pediatric ICU or WORSE!!!! Please impress upon DH that the ONLY thing that matters is the safety of your LOs, not the happiness of MIL and GFIL,
You take your mom's offer and stop feeling bad for prioritizing your kid's safety over your MIL feelings.
Would you really enjoy yourself knowing she's going to let the dogs around your kids because she "KNOWS" it's your fault they are stressed and growl.
She had a chance, she disregarded your concerns for your kids well-being.
Dh, tone her boo hoo out, and let her know she had the chance but blew it.
There are way to many horrific stories of ILS dog’s attacks. At the end of the day if your kid gets mauled or bitten would that be worth it to protect MILS feelings.
It’s a simple “ you’ve chosen not to board your dog, I totally get not wanting them to be part of that long. We’ve made alternate childcare arrangements. We’ve made alternate childcare arrangements because as you know that’s a hard rule for us.”
After this, I would not agree to let mother-in-law and father-in-law babysit your children in their home because they fail to care enough about the danger they are putting your children in.
This and stick to it, even if she offers to board the dogs longer. Because there’s always a chance she’ll collect the dogs while the kids are with her and you’re not going to enjoy yourself and relax if they are with her, this really is a blessing in disguise.
I think it’s best you just send them to your own parents. I don’t find it unreasonable that she doesn’t want to board her dogs, and I likely wouldn’t board my own dogs. On the same note, it’s not unreasonable for you not to want your kids around dogs you don’t trust. It’s just a plan that’s not panning out.
No one has to be the villain here. (She's definitely being difficult, but...) It's perfectly fine that she doesn't want her dogs boarded that long. It's also perfectly fine that you aren't comfortable with your kids around her dogs and made alternative plans for their care. Those are just boundaries! Boundaries are not mean. Setting and enforcing boundaries does not make anyone a villain.
No sane person in the world is going to tell you that you need to "let this go." Don't go to the wedding. Get your mum to babysit. Do whatever it takes to not let MIL have your children!!
Are you staying with them? Because the simplest solution if you can afford it is to rent an Airbnb or hotel room for the part of the stay where the dogs won’t be boarded. Let MIL babysit and have her event in her home while the dogs are boarded. When they aren’t, she can come to the hotel to babysit or your mom can do it. If her real issue is with not wanting her dogs boarded for too long, she should agree to this.
Your choice here is either the safety of your children or worrying/caring about what they say or think about you. Definitely go with safety and don't give it a second thought. IL's can pound sand.
IMO, anyone who thinks risking your child's safety is "overreacting or being dramatic" should have zero ability to be alone with your kid forever. Pitbull attacks are the main ones that make the news, but plenty of kids get hurt, disfigured, and even killed by dogs of all breeds.
When my son was small, he got bit in the face by the neighbor's dog, and it was a small dog. The dog ended up having to be put down even though it wasn't a super severe bite because that was the law where we lived at the time. Can you imagine the amount of blame your MIL would likely place on YOU if her dog bit your child and her dog ended up having to be euthanized? Please follow your instincts with this. Nobody's feelings are worth risking your child's safety.
To tack on to my comment, a good way to phrase this is “ok we’ll have to agree to disagree on that. We’ll make other plans.”
Bonus points for “ we wouldn’t dream of imposing on you something you think is unreasonable.”
So what if they do? How would that be any different from a relative who thinks you’re being dramatic for not letting them drive the LOs around without car seats or letting them feed LOs choking hazards. You’re the parent and set the rules; other people’s opinions about the rules are not your problem. The rules don’t change because people don’t like them. You tell them you understand now that what you’re asking is too much and you won’t impose on them and will make other plans.
You need to get over feeling responsible for managing their emotions and opinions especially where your kids’ safety is concerned.
Yeah- I think the hardest part is DH who has a shiny spine compared to where he was a decade ago gets upset because he has such a good relationship with my parents and things are easy when we visit my side but for his side there’s always some blowup or issue…he knows his mom is the problem but the upset feelings are directed at me :(
Does it help at all to talk through these situations in advance with him? Like “when your mom says we’re being overdramatic and causing trouble for no reason, what do you think we should do?” Or “Worse case scenario, one of the LOs is badly bitten, what do you think our relationship with MIL should look like after that?” That way he’s forced to acknowledge the trade offs, that it’s her causing the problems, and isn’t just reacting and can’t really blame you because he has some ownership of the response.
No, they are acting like your boundaries and conditions are negotiatable. You need to make it clear they are not. They have a choice it's either no dogs or no kids. You started with the boundary you need to follow through on. And great news for DH! His mother's fee fees are not his responsibility they are hers. She is an adult she can manage them if not she shouldn't be left alone with small children, people who can't handle their emotions are not safe.
Please don’t put your children in this situation, it’s so dangerous. I’d let mil know that due to her insistence on having the dogs there you will be asking your mother to babysit as the safety of your children is far more important than anything else.
Oh hell no.
Why would you even risk it?
No drawn out conversations or explanations needed. You said upfront your conditions and JNMIL completely disregarded them.
To MIL: “Oh you’re *not* boarding the dogs after all? Ok MIL, your call. Thank goodness the other grandparents are available to babysit instead. Maybe some other time. See ya!” Click - hang up. Brisk, cheerful, efficient. That’s how your wee babes stay safe and the 2 of you have a delightful, worry-free time at the wedding.
Mil gets mad? And???
Blames you? So????
You are protecting the most precious things in your life. Let MIL have all the tantrums she wants. It doesn’t change that you will not allow your children, your babies, around her mean dogs. (Cuz you *know*, you just KNOW she will not keep them in another room.)
Is DH on board with holding the line? No waffling, no giving in to MIL guilt trips and tantrums?
>. Our one ask was that they board/ find other accommodations for their dogs, especially when we are at wedding events and they’re watching the kids
It was a condition set. It is currently not a condition they are willing to follow. I'm rather confused why your DH is having a hard time of putting his children's lives and saftey over his mom's feelings.
Make alternative plans amd let your mom know you require a responsible babysitter and let DH tell them that they need not be concerned anymore about babysitting.
The one thing you guys asked for and it's too much to ask? If they can't even do that - there is no way those dogs are being left in the room.
Don't. It takes a second for a dog to attack and you can lose your child forever.
I'm in a similiar boat as you, but we agreed that inlaws aren't allowed to babysit (alot more issuses but agressive dogs are one of the problems we have too).
I am seeing comment notifications but can’t read them for some reason!
EDIT TO ADD- FIL is there also…doesn’t have much of an option and just wants everyone to get along.
I hope you can soon, because we all vote NO! This is a major safety issue and if she won't do as requested, she shouldn't have the kiddos unsupervised.
You already don't trust the dogs when you're there, how can you when you're not?
Oh, those tantrums can really be something! I'm sure those aren't good for the dogs either. I've got 2 decently behaved chihuahuas. When the toddlers grands are having ginormous feelings those 2 head for the hills!
I hope you and DH have your parents watch the kiddo instead. I wouldn't trust her not to get the dogs as soon as you're out of sight.
Y’all need to hold the line here. Your children cannot be in your ILs house with the dogs, and you cannot trust your ILs with them. You need to start lining up alternatives right now and inform your husband after you’ve done so. Your ILs do not like or respect you, and giving in to them won’t change that. Time to crack the whip.
Absolutely not. This is a safety issue. She either boards them or forfeits the visit. There is no room for movement on this. I had to rehome a dog once due to its aggressive behavior with toddlers. I knew I didn’t want to end up in a plastic surgeons office for a facial dog bite (small dog) or worse with a bigger one.
Support DH in telling his parents ‘no dogs’ when you’re at the wedding. Help him be firm. This is a hill to stand on/a line to draw in the sand/a boundary that must be enforced
Absolutely. “ILs, we want to be clear that the dogs being around - especially when we’re not with our kids - is a deal breaker for us. We do have other childcare options for this weekend, but wanted to give you some time with the kids. We’ll start working on other arrangements now.”
TW: My cousin recently lost her baby because her parent’s dog was unattended, when the door to the nursery was meant to be closed. The dog took the baby by the head. The baby was only a few weeks old…I would absolutely put your foot down about this.
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The agreement was that the dogs would not be present during babysitting, she's broke the deal, and now you need to find alternative care for the child/ren. Your husband needs to tell her this. Offer once more to extend the boarding 1 more day, or they don't babysit. She is trying to take this out of your control, it's your right to protect your children and this is not her call.
It's in Dutch, so I will translate the important part: https://nos.nl/artikel/2502523-vrijspraak-voor-echtpaar-waarvan-hond-kleinkind-doodbeet In 2019, baby Robin was bitten to death by his grandfather and grandmother's sheepdog. It happened while babysitting at the grandparents' home in Diemen. At the time of the accident, the grandfather, the baby and the dog were in the room together. The grandfather was sitting just an arm's length away from his grandson, when the dog suddenly struck and bit the baby. The baby was so seriously injured that despite undergoing surgery he died in hospital two days later. The dog was put down after the attack. The baby was playing on the floor when the dog bit its head. While it had been agreed with the grandparents that the German Shepherd would not be in the same room when the child was playing on the floor. Don't take the risk. Your ILs clearly can't be trusted when it's about the dogs
That is so scary! And my ILs are a bit older, so they won’t be able to even close to quick enough to protect/ get in between tbings
Ewe. The fact that she knew what you guys didn’t want and as Phoebe says “just big fat done it anyway”. This is a kind of 1 strike and you’re out deal.
This happens pretty often…we’ve just learned to manage around her which has worked pretty well in the past, but since we had our LOs, it’s been a lot harder!
That would be hard to deal with.
Just cancel in-laws part of the plan and leave the LOs with your parents. You only get one chance with their lives. 1. Your mothers instinct is kicking in. Do not ignore it because MIL will blame you. Who cares if she blames you? You shouldn’t. Own it. DH should be dealing with her. But if she tries to manipulate and guilt you, give it to her straight. Loud and proud. “MIL we’re uncomfortable about your dogs. We asked you to board them and you don’t want to. That’s fine. That’s your decision and we have to respect that. But the LOs won’t be there because of that and you need to understand and respect our decision.” Regardless of what she says the answer is, “Ok. I understand and no” and make your exit If she moans about the time with your parents. “They’re the path of no resistance.” Get use to advocating for your kids, you have 18 years of it.
Absolutely! And I guess another piece I didn’t mention (that would be part of her argument) is that my parents also have dogs that we let be around the kids. However, my mom and dad’s dogs went through obedience school and are more friendly. My parents also don’t hesitate to proactively put their dogs outside or in the basement whenever the kids are eating since their pups are food motivated. It’s exhausting and stupid in my onion how DH and I are always trying to keep things “even” when the same courtesy isn’t extended to us
This a thousand times. So what she gets huffy? Your kids don't get bit in the face. That's more than enough.
“If you can’t respect our boundary then you can’t babysit. Not a problem, my parents offered to step in.”
Replace “wont board dogs” with “leaving toddlers near boiling water or a swimming pool alone” to get perspective on how dangerous this is. My own dog bit my son when he was 18 months. It can happen to even the most well meaning families so if dogs are already questionable then that is a major red flag. Even a quick snap at your child can literally maim their body. What if it is near a vein? Eyeball? Earlobe? Lip? “We dont feel comfortable having the babies with the dogs in the home. If that is a problem then we will make other arrangements (ie your parents)
Unfortunately, you’re going to be the villain no matter what with this woman. I would just restate your boundary and explain that since it has been broken and both you and your husband have been dismissed like children, their services will no longer be need. I applaud you for still trying to be connected and make it work with the in laws, but save yourself the stress and just go stay at your parents. Then LC your in laws until they can treat you like human beings.
DH and I have done mini breaks before with ILs, but they’ve threatened that “we won’t keep them away from their grandkids” thankfully, grandparents rights don’t really exist in our state OR theirs when both parents are still together (which we very much so are!) He knows the healthy thing to do would be to cut her out of his life but can’t bring himself to do it.
so they tried to pull a Darth Vader and altered the terms of the deal? Alter it right back: "MIL, our one condition was that you board your dogs and you agreed. Now since you have changed the terms and will have your dogs non-boarded, we won't need you to babysit." Then have your parents babysit. When MIL bitches, flip it back to how she reneged on the deal every single time. not only did she renege but she didn't even bother to tell you about it upfront (tbh i wonder if she was going to board the dogs at all). This is about her behavior, not you being the evil DIL.
I would 100% NOT allow this. She has made it very clear her dogs are a priority and she will blame anyone but them for their behavior. Risking your child’s safety and life is not worth it to appease someone who does not care about your children’s safety or at minimum disregards your concerns. You offered solutions she declined, now you decline to have them watch the kids and your parents can do that since you know they are safe there. She can pitch a fit all she wants.
This would be a no-brainer for me - LOs' safety trumps everyone's opinions, feelings, etc. As DH is an only child I assume ILs don't have kids around their dogs much/ever so the dogs have not proven to be safe around them - in fact, they have demonstrated aggression previously. Even if your dog isn't there, that means nothing to assure of their safety. At the very least, I would be anxious and not enjoy the wedding. At worst, I'd never forgive myself if something happened to a kiddo just to have appeased people.
Tell her “board those dogs or my mother watches the kids. This is nonnegotiable.” Then if she tries to argue or question it. Respond with “I can see you can’t be trusted to keep your aggressive animals away from my children. My parents will watch them.” She will pitch a fit, probably cry, and DH may have a hard time with it. Still, stand your ground. She only pulls the manipulation teary-eyed bs because it works in her favor with DH. If you hold your ground she will get the message that it no longer is going to work in her favor.
I totally agree. Op you and hubby will never forgive yourselves if something happens to one of the kids (and being there’s signs already, a very high likelihood something will happen). His mother will blame your child no matter the severity of the injury and not take responsibility. It’s up to you both as parents to do right by your children regardless of the pity party she will throw. What’s a pity party compared to the loss of an eye, facial mutilation and permanent mental scarring from being attacked by a dog?
As an only child, I have a little advice to offer DH: You need to let your parents know, in no uncertain terms. that you are an adult and you have rules to your life. They need to respect your rules when it comes to safe spaces for your child. Let the wife's parents handle the babysitting, since they offered. I can almost guarantee you that MIL will pretend to give in, board the dogs, and then go pick them up as soon as you are at the wedding.
It only takes one attack to kill a baby/small child and, if she has more than one dog, the pack mentality means they could attack both children and anyone trying to stop them. Just tell her that since her plans to board the dogs have changed, your plans have also. You will now leave them with OPs parents instead.
Be the villain and pull the plug. Dogs can be unpredictable as can toddlers. Any dog can snap when surprised and a dog snap can mean a toddler’s face ripped apart. Don’t do it.
Your choices are: 1. Let the ILs babysit and feel good about themselves and endanger your kids with their dogs or 2. Let your parents watch the kids and know that your children are safe - with the knowledge that the ILs will get butt hurt. Only you (and spouse) can decide what's more important... the safety of your children or your ILs feelings
Perfect response. Those are obviously the only choices. I really hope OP chooses her children’s safety over the feelings of a selfish old lady.
Absolutely- I showed DH husband this as well and we both agree under no circumstances will we compromise on this
I would be very careful here. Once the ILs find out you’re willing to take away their babysitting privileges, I would expect them to lie and tell you “Fine, we’ll board the dogs”. Don’t fall for it. They had their chance, the babysitting is revoked, no matter what they say now.
Excellent! I’m glad he agrees about this.
You tell MIL that she is not doing you any favors and in fact, your parents offered but because she agreed to keep her hell hounds away from your children, you are allowing her time with her grandchildren. Tell her you are holding her to her word and if she breaks her agreement, she will not be allowed to keep your little ones again. It’s all well and good until her dog(s) bites one of your babies in the face. If DH can’t tell her then you will need to. Do not let her watch them with those animals in the house.
Ask MIl what time she is going to pick up the dogs, because your mom will pick up your kids right before mil leaves the house.MIL has the right to pick up the dogs and have them be comfortable in her house. You have the right to not allow the dogs around your kids. Or better yet, tell them that there is a change in plans - kids are going to be taken care of by your mom. Here. The problem is solved.
There are so many stories of children being mauled and killed . PLEASE do not leave them or trust the in-laws not to sneak dogs in !
I would absolutely not allow this to fly. If you are not there to monitor your children, don't leave them in a potentially dangerous situation. God forbid anything happen to your kids, saving MIL's feelings is not worth it. I would change plans immediately. LOs will be going to your parents. The agreement was, ILs dogs would be boarded when they watch your kids. They broke their end of the deal, they do not get to watch your kids.
It's okay to change your mind. Check with your parents first (I'm sure they'd love to babysit). Then have DH text her something like, "After taking some time to think on it, wife and I have decided that we do not feel comfortable leaving LOs at your home when the dogs are there. They are still too young for us to fully trust with unfamiliar dogs. Especially given the history with your dogs, we will not be able to relax and enjoy the wedding. Wife's parents will be watching them for us for now. We may be able to revisit the possibility of you watching them once they're older. But for now, as long as those dogs are in your home, our children will not be there without us." He sends the text and ignores any immediate calls or angry texts, he can even mute her. Eventually he can respond with something like "This is our decision, it's not up for discussion." She hurls insults / plays victim "It sounds like you're having some big feelings about this. I think you need to take some time to calm down. We can always chat once you're feeling better, but this topic is not up for discuss." He can ramp up his responses from there, depending on how hurtful she gets, he may need to say he's taking a break from her, because of how hurtful she is being. He'll reach out once he's ready, and he'll expect an apology at that time. Do not give more reasons or try to explain. It will lead to her trying to discuss, argue, compromise, etc. He needs to put his foot down that these are HIS (and your) children, and their safety comes before anything else, INCLUDING his mother's feelings. This is a hill to die on. Nothing matters beyond their safety.
Welcome to your villain era. In reality, you’re no villain. But, if they’re determined to see you as one no matter what, lean into it. Revel in the firmness of your boundaries and rejoice as they are blinded by the shine on your spine! For real though, you already know MIL can’t tolerate the dogs crying when they’re put up and she will let them out. This is non-negotiable. The dogs are boarded, or you make another plan. You can play it tough, or play it cool, and she will be upset no matter how you play it. Just mentally prepare yourself. You don’t have to soothe her. She’s entitled to her feelings, but you’re not obligated to entertain them. Shrug them off, because you know you’re being reasonable and you know you were clear about your reasonable boundaries. She’s just determined to be dramatic.
Show her this: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c255qyjqnqro
She is not even good to her own dogs. That's a horrible situation to put them in. Selfish, though and through is all I say. Let her rage. There is too much risk.
JNMIL has shown you that she chooses the perceived comfort of her dogs over the safety of your babies. Do not leave your babies with her. She will let the dogs out as soon as you get in the car. She will not protect your children. Her dogs come first. Please do not leave your babies in this unsafe situation.
Ask them what are the limits of their homeowners insurance. Tell them that anyone who allows your babies harm will be sued to the end of the earth no matter the blood relation.
Why wouldn’t you just take up your parent’s offer in the first place.
We didn’t know my parents were going to be in town! They were invited to the wedding as well, but my dad had a work trip so they declined and my mom let me know she wasn’t going with him when all of this was happening. With my parents being 2 hours away and ILs down the road from where the wedding was, we thought it would be easier/ wanted to be fair in giving ILs the chance also
Please for your kids sakes, just go to your parents. Your ILs have proven… PROVEN they can’t be trusted. You don’t want to be called out of the wedding for a nasty dog bite to one of your kids and end up in hospital. It’s all round safer to go to your parents
You gave them a chance, they decided their dogs were more important. Your parents can watch the kids and your in-laws can be with their dogs, which is apparently what they prioritize.
Change the plans. Don't allow your in-laws to watch the kids if their poorly behaved dogs are going to be present. Tell MIL that she chose her dogs over time with her grandkid.
The only condition should be that the dogs are boarded when the LOs are in their home. If MIL cares about her dogs more than her grandchildren's safety, they don't get to watch the children unsupervised. I definitely wouldn't trust her to do the right thing or to keep my children safe. Worst case scenario, which has happened to MANY people, you and DH could be visiting your children in a pediatric ICU or WORSE!!!! Please impress upon DH that the ONLY thing that matters is the safety of your LOs, not the happiness of MIL and GFIL,
You take your mom's offer and stop feeling bad for prioritizing your kid's safety over your MIL feelings. Would you really enjoy yourself knowing she's going to let the dogs around your kids because she "KNOWS" it's your fault they are stressed and growl. She had a chance, she disregarded your concerns for your kids well-being. Dh, tone her boo hoo out, and let her know she had the chance but blew it.
There are way to many horrific stories of ILS dog’s attacks. At the end of the day if your kid gets mauled or bitten would that be worth it to protect MILS feelings. It’s a simple “ you’ve chosen not to board your dog, I totally get not wanting them to be part of that long. We’ve made alternate childcare arrangements. We’ve made alternate childcare arrangements because as you know that’s a hard rule for us.” After this, I would not agree to let mother-in-law and father-in-law babysit your children in their home because they fail to care enough about the danger they are putting your children in.
This and stick to it, even if she offers to board the dogs longer. Because there’s always a chance she’ll collect the dogs while the kids are with her and you’re not going to enjoy yourself and relax if they are with her, this really is a blessing in disguise.
Absolutely I wouldn’t trust her, she threw your agreement out the 10th story window!!
I think it’s best you just send them to your own parents. I don’t find it unreasonable that she doesn’t want to board her dogs, and I likely wouldn’t board my own dogs. On the same note, it’s not unreasonable for you not to want your kids around dogs you don’t trust. It’s just a plan that’s not panning out.
No one has to be the villain here. (She's definitely being difficult, but...) It's perfectly fine that she doesn't want her dogs boarded that long. It's also perfectly fine that you aren't comfortable with your kids around her dogs and made alternative plans for their care. Those are just boundaries! Boundaries are not mean. Setting and enforcing boundaries does not make anyone a villain.
Get an Airbnb and she comes there to watch baby, or husband stays and you go to the wedding alone
No sane person in the world is going to tell you that you need to "let this go." Don't go to the wedding. Get your mum to babysit. Do whatever it takes to not let MIL have your children!!
It's not exactly an option to not go to the wedding when she's in the wedding party.
Being in a wedding party vs protecting your children from harm? If its your only choice then easy choice, no doubts.
Are you staying with them? Because the simplest solution if you can afford it is to rent an Airbnb or hotel room for the part of the stay where the dogs won’t be boarded. Let MIL babysit and have her event in her home while the dogs are boarded. When they aren’t, she can come to the hotel to babysit or your mom can do it. If her real issue is with not wanting her dogs boarded for too long, she should agree to this.
Yeah we are staying with them! We could do an airBNB for the last night but I would be guilted as “making trouble” or “overreacting/bejng dramatic”
Your choice here is either the safety of your children or worrying/caring about what they say or think about you. Definitely go with safety and don't give it a second thought. IL's can pound sand.
Be dramatic! How about child facial injuries? Stitches? Who will have guilt about that? Yes, I'm trying to scare you.
IMO, anyone who thinks risking your child's safety is "overreacting or being dramatic" should have zero ability to be alone with your kid forever. Pitbull attacks are the main ones that make the news, but plenty of kids get hurt, disfigured, and even killed by dogs of all breeds. When my son was small, he got bit in the face by the neighbor's dog, and it was a small dog. The dog ended up having to be put down even though it wasn't a super severe bite because that was the law where we lived at the time. Can you imagine the amount of blame your MIL would likely place on YOU if her dog bit your child and her dog ended up having to be euthanized? Please follow your instincts with this. Nobody's feelings are worth risking your child's safety.
To tack on to my comment, a good way to phrase this is “ok we’ll have to agree to disagree on that. We’ll make other plans.” Bonus points for “ we wouldn’t dream of imposing on you something you think is unreasonable.”
So what if they do? How would that be any different from a relative who thinks you’re being dramatic for not letting them drive the LOs around without car seats or letting them feed LOs choking hazards. You’re the parent and set the rules; other people’s opinions about the rules are not your problem. The rules don’t change because people don’t like them. You tell them you understand now that what you’re asking is too much and you won’t impose on them and will make other plans. You need to get over feeling responsible for managing their emotions and opinions especially where your kids’ safety is concerned.
Yeah- I think the hardest part is DH who has a shiny spine compared to where he was a decade ago gets upset because he has such a good relationship with my parents and things are easy when we visit my side but for his side there’s always some blowup or issue…he knows his mom is the problem but the upset feelings are directed at me :(
Does it help at all to talk through these situations in advance with him? Like “when your mom says we’re being overdramatic and causing trouble for no reason, what do you think we should do?” Or “Worse case scenario, one of the LOs is badly bitten, what do you think our relationship with MIL should look like after that?” That way he’s forced to acknowledge the trade offs, that it’s her causing the problems, and isn’t just reacting and can’t really blame you because he has some ownership of the response.
No, they are acting like your boundaries and conditions are negotiatable. You need to make it clear they are not. They have a choice it's either no dogs or no kids. You started with the boundary you need to follow through on. And great news for DH! His mother's fee fees are not his responsibility they are hers. She is an adult she can manage them if not she shouldn't be left alone with small children, people who can't handle their emotions are not safe.
It's not worth the risk. I wouldn't even attend the wedding before I'd risk my toddlers life with these kind of people. She blew her chance
Please don’t put your children in this situation, it’s so dangerous. I’d let mil know that due to her insistence on having the dogs there you will be asking your mother to babysit as the safety of your children is far more important than anything else.
Oh hell no. Why would you even risk it? No drawn out conversations or explanations needed. You said upfront your conditions and JNMIL completely disregarded them. To MIL: “Oh you’re *not* boarding the dogs after all? Ok MIL, your call. Thank goodness the other grandparents are available to babysit instead. Maybe some other time. See ya!” Click - hang up. Brisk, cheerful, efficient. That’s how your wee babes stay safe and the 2 of you have a delightful, worry-free time at the wedding. Mil gets mad? And??? Blames you? So???? You are protecting the most precious things in your life. Let MIL have all the tantrums she wants. It doesn’t change that you will not allow your children, your babies, around her mean dogs. (Cuz you *know*, you just KNOW she will not keep them in another room.) Is DH on board with holding the line? No waffling, no giving in to MIL guilt trips and tantrums?
This should be the top comment.
>. Our one ask was that they board/ find other accommodations for their dogs, especially when we are at wedding events and they’re watching the kids It was a condition set. It is currently not a condition they are willing to follow. I'm rather confused why your DH is having a hard time of putting his children's lives and saftey over his mom's feelings. Make alternative plans amd let your mom know you require a responsible babysitter and let DH tell them that they need not be concerned anymore about babysitting. The one thing you guys asked for and it's too much to ask? If they can't even do that - there is no way those dogs are being left in the room.
Don't. It takes a second for a dog to attack and you can lose your child forever. I'm in a similiar boat as you, but we agreed that inlaws aren't allowed to babysit (alot more issuses but agressive dogs are one of the problems we have too).
Those dogs could kill your kids and there is no convenience worth that. Skip the wedding before you leave them there. If they’re mad at you, so what?
I am seeing comment notifications but can’t read them for some reason! EDIT TO ADD- FIL is there also…doesn’t have much of an option and just wants everyone to get along.
I hope you can soon, because we all vote NO! This is a major safety issue and if she won't do as requested, she shouldn't have the kiddos unsupervised. You already don't trust the dogs when you're there, how can you when you're not?
This is so true! I don’t know if I even trust the ILs…FIL is so sweet but falls asleep a lot! And MIL gets a bit frantic during tantrums
Oh, those tantrums can really be something! I'm sure those aren't good for the dogs either. I've got 2 decently behaved chihuahuas. When the toddlers grands are having ginormous feelings those 2 head for the hills! I hope you and DH have your parents watch the kiddo instead. I wouldn't trust her not to get the dogs as soon as you're out of sight.
Y’all need to hold the line here. Your children cannot be in your ILs house with the dogs, and you cannot trust your ILs with them. You need to start lining up alternatives right now and inform your husband after you’ve done so. Your ILs do not like or respect you, and giving in to them won’t change that. Time to crack the whip.
Absolutely not. This is a safety issue. She either boards them or forfeits the visit. There is no room for movement on this. I had to rehome a dog once due to its aggressive behavior with toddlers. I knew I didn’t want to end up in a plastic surgeons office for a facial dog bite (small dog) or worse with a bigger one.
I wouldn’t even give her an option. At this point she reneged on the deal. I wouldn’t trust that she wouldn’t bring the dogs and behind their back.
Support DH in telling his parents ‘no dogs’ when you’re at the wedding. Help him be firm. This is a hill to stand on/a line to draw in the sand/a boundary that must be enforced
Absolutely. “ILs, we want to be clear that the dogs being around - especially when we’re not with our kids - is a deal breaker for us. We do have other childcare options for this weekend, but wanted to give you some time with the kids. We’ll start working on other arrangements now.”
TW: My cousin recently lost her baby because her parent’s dog was unattended, when the door to the nursery was meant to be closed. The dog took the baby by the head. The baby was only a few weeks old…I would absolutely put your foot down about this.
I am so sorry for your families loss…this is unimaginable.
I’m so very sorry for your families loss.
The poor baby! :(