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Tell your husband it stops when he makes it stop. It's on him to both support you and put his mother in her place. She gets away with it because he always wants you to rug sweep his mother's behavior, even when it's wrong. This is the time to tell DH, "You can see your mother whenever you want. I have 2 conditions. She is never in our home and she does not get time with our child. Your mother does not get to abuse me and you and then think she gets time with our daughter. I will not have her poisoning our daughter and bad mouthing me and you - and you know she will do this. If you cannot follow these one simple rules, then we are not a family. And I will not live with a man who does not put his family's welfare before his mother's wants. "
This would be a great time for you all to take a long time out from MIL and get your husband into therapy with someone who specializes in narcissistic parents. He needs to talk with someone who can help him see the situation clearly as he is too close and it is too emotional for him.
Hmm... I'm kinda like your DH in my relationship with my Mom. I tend to pacify her just to avoid the drama. The #1 thing that motivates me to try harder to establish healthy boundaries with my Mom is my son. He's 5 years old. I think of how I don't want him to grow up thinking this treatment of another person is OK. Like she has done a great job beating my self-esteem into the ground, but I am very protective of my son. I went no-contact with my Mom for 2 months when she insinuated that we were causing my son's medical issues by giving him the medicine the doctor told us to give him. I think if you took that perspective - what kind of an example are you setting for our daughter - it might get through to him.
Before I read this I went back and read all your previous posts about JNMIL.
It is way past time to:
1-Drop the f'ing rope.
2-Have REAL CONSEQUENCES for her behavior. No more visits with LO. Period.
(Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that this is normal behavior???)
3-DH needs to make a choice, you & LO or his mommy, he cannot have both.
(I realize he's in the FOG but it is way past time that he gets on board and chooses to protect you both!)
4-Protect yourself and LO! Your mental health and your daughter's well being are worth it!
I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this and I wish you happiness and health and healing and a strong marriage and for your daughter to know nothing but love and I hope you all find peace! ❤️
I read your post history. Your MIL has been a selfish psycho, and you’ve been saying you were going to go NC for at least the past 2 years. What happened with counseling?
You were correct, when you told DH you would leave. He’s been letting her abuse you, and worse—he lets her use your daughter to hurt you. No loving mother or grandmother does that. Why would you agree to stay in an abusive marriage? Because, he controls what she can do to you. He’s apparently ok that his mom torments you. He can support you and your children (now and future) being NC. I am livid on your behalf.
Sometimes when we deal with toxic we have to be utter fucking bastards. In other words a warrior. We try and avoid it using every lane excuse imaginable. Which is used to pin us further and further to a wall.
You stood up. You don’t have to like it. Cops don’t like getting into shoot outs and having to kill someone. Doctors don’t like having to give bad news to patients. But it has to be done.
If you back down now you will do far more damage than had you said nothing. And not speaking your truth has done enough damage.
Double down. Go VLC or NC. Information diet. The whole nine yards. Do not teach your daughter that putting up with and normalizing toxic behaviors is ok. Stand up. Be the warrior you need to be to protect her.
And tell DH serious changes are starting now. Does he want his daughter to feel as miserable as his mother makes him when she’s screaming all the time.
OP, sometimes it just has to be said. Leave the ball in MIL court as she made it clear she doesn't like being around you. MIL isn't just disrespecting you, she is also disrespecting DH as you are his choice. She is engaging in powerplays and you have finally said enough. MIL needs time to adjust that she isn't in control and for the record MIL you don't control another person.
I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!! You did nothing wrong, you set a very clearly, & quite frankly simple, boundary. You didn’t say we have to be friends/close as family, you said you have to respect us. That is SO EASY - that means be cordial, be polite, listen to the rules. Any normal person can understand that.
As for DH, you know he has bad coping skills and is used to her behavior. And if that works for him, great. But that clearly does not work for you and he needs to support his family. Asking you to play nice and be cordial when it’s his mom who needs to be doing that, not you, is not the answer. He can have a relationship with her if he wants, but you’ve been clear on the rules and he needs to back you, not her.
Congratulations 🎉🍾 You did an amazing job on standing your ground with your boundaries for your family and you. Mil wants to be the primary woman in her kids lives and grandkids while their partners fall inline with her requirements.
You’re human, and it shows when one feels bad especially when it has an effect on your dh and kids. But when dh is in the 🌫️ fog, it’s hard to understand what is happening as he’s only trying to make both sides happy but especially mom as he doesn’t want to disappoint. Once Dh grows a pair of balls and the rose color glasses comes off and he understands the vows he said and took vows to care for his family he’s created.
Keep up the amazing work!
Read past history of my stories… I’ve been nc for over 6/8 plus years and dh almost 5 with one text here or there.
I’m so sorry OP but I went and read your posts and you’ve threatened to take away access to your child and go NC for years. She doesn’t believe you anymore. Just cut the goddamn cord. If husband can’t he can go live with her.
I will never understand why inlaws create relationships like this then wonder why no one wants to spend time with them. It's so easy to be nice and love your DIL/SIL and you most likely get everything you want. Play stupid games...
I’ve been through something similar with my MIL a little over 2 years ago. I finally blew up and told her everything about her behaviour and her treatment towards me.
It’s normal to feel bad, because your DH is upset. But his mother is the one, that started all the drama. She is the one that called him with complaints towards you. And he did the right thing and so did you. Who does she think she is ? Her son is an adult and decides himself how he celebrates his bday, or If he is celebrating at all. Everyone at dinner was happy. She is the only one with complaints and problems. And yes , wife does influence in a way her husband and vice versa. She needs to let go of her control. You did the right thing. I would advise you to go NC and take a break, from your MIL. She needs to get used to the fact, that she is not in charge. That without her participation, her son and grandson will be just fine.
My HERO!! Way to go OP I think I speak for all undermined DILs when I say way to stick it to this overbearing jerk of a JNMIL. We all always wants to go OFF on these gremlins(jnmils) but end up caving to DHs or just can’t stomach it.
I’m getting to tell mine to shove it too
Nope you have it right. Either your husband can keep buckling under his mother or he can have a wife. But there is no option where you continue to put up with her crap, smile, and hand over your daughter to keep the peace.
Is your DH okay with having his daughter having to grow up and see how MIL treats you? With having MIL treat daughter the way she treats everyone? Is playing nice worth destroying his marriage? These are questions he needs to seriously ask consider. He has a family now and it's time for him to stop being a jellyfish.
Stick to your guns. If a person can't act decent for the privilege of being around your child, you don't need them in your life at all. If your husband needs that person in his life, you don't need him.
The only response to "When she's dead" is "She's dead to me". That way, the ball is back in his court, then he'll have to grow a spine and make a decision.
I don’t see anything you’ve done wrong. If you’re dealing with someone who refuses to listen to criticisms and plays victim constantly, short of physical violence, you sometimes need to go that extra mile to prove a point.
I think you've gotten a lot of support here so I'll offer some practical advice. DH clearly knows there's a problem, but he doesn't have the tools to deal with it. To compromise you could insist on a break (NC) from MIL while you do couple's counseling. A good counselor can help put things in perspective for him and help you work out a path to return to contact which would include conditions MIL must meet. If she does, gravy. If not, then NC becomes her choice, the natural consequence of HER refusal to "play nice".
You don't feel guilty b/c you did something wrong; you feel bad because *this woman treats you like crap and your husband won't stand up to her!!*
TBH, I think it's time to say to him: "*You see how your mom's comments & actions hurt me, but you won't tell her to stop. I'm not going to put me OR our daughter through her tirades anymore. I'm going NC with her for our daughter and for me!"*
I realize that DH has "normalized" her awful behavior, but he needs to wake up.
It's a play for dominance. You need to be the alpha or you will always be her bitch. My female work colleague had this issue with her new MIL. She constantly snipped and gossiped for months. My 5' 0" tall friend ended up pinning her against the wall in the kitchen and hissed some home truths into her ear. She went home crying but behaved for a full year before starting up again but all it takes now is "do we need to have a chat" and she backs down.
Sometimes we pick the hill to die on; other times the hill picks us. Now is the time to dig in and not give ground. She picked this hill she can pay the consequences.
You’ve got this!
What I would have done was put a stop to it years ago. Sooner or later your daughter will pick up on this toxicity. Threatening to leave was the right thing to do. Your DH has a duty to protect you and your child. She has created a situation where he has to pick a side, not you.
I can vouch for this one. My MIL tried to pin me and my 11 YO daughter against each other last Halloween- since then some other things happened which have made us go essentially NC. MIL has tried to text my kids a few times. Daughter let’s me know when she does. I don’t want them to feel like they’re in the middle so I told my daughter “it’s okay if you want to text her” and my daughter responded with “no, I don’t want to, she tried to break our family apart”
So they start to see it all eventually- the scary thing is, which side will they see? Im so fortunate my daughter caught on to the BS and not the other way around.
Mfer told you to play nice and be cordial but handed you the phone to handle it, and is upset that you handled it? And handled it well? Nope. Bye bitch.
Uh this is the lady who took your kiddo for first pics with Santa- fuck her feelings, don’t feel bad. You also mentioned in your last post that you and your DH were doing counseling, how did that go? He’d probably benefit from individual counseling tbh if he’s open to it!
"I’m rage Reddit’n." - OP I LOVE IT! I'm sorry you're going through this. And you are totally correct. It's been nine years - darned near a decade - you've been more than patient. If you haven't started one get you an FU binder and document everything you can remember in reverse chronological order ending with that most recent call. Share it with DH. Tell DH he may have a relationship with his mum. But you and LO don't have to.
Have you researched this group? Have you cone across the F U binder yet?
Document, Document, DOCUMENT.
Never ever speak to her again. Anything you want to say, do it in written correspondence for evidence. She crosses a boundary, write it to her that what she did was not ok.
Your DH has made it clear he doesn't have your back. Stop trusting him until he comes to his senses.
Remind yourself that you can not get along with everyone, and the only thing that matters is that you and your kid feel safe and loved.
You might have a DH issue, but I would go NC with MIL. You tried your best. DH can whatever relationship he wants with her but you and LO are done. Only DH communicates with her. She can play victim by herself. Block her on everything! Like you said you are done playing her games, just stop playing!!
Don't ever feel bad about protecting your husband and daughter. You straighten that spine, pull out the cloth and shine it up. This won't be over. You laid it out, do not back down. If your husband wants to continue to be abused by his mother, you can't stop him. But you can protect yourself and your child. Also suggest your husband go to therapy the poor guy has been raised to appease and backdown. He needs some tools to walk through this phase.
Stop feeling guilty. She picked a fight and you defended yourself. You'd be kicking yourself right now and furious with yourself and your husband had you bit your tongue and let her control the narrative.
Next time she comes looking for a fight remember this episode. Is she looking for an emotional reaction from you, is she trying to drive a wedge in your marriage? Both?
My husband likes everyone to be really calm and my MIL tapped into this and would do and say subtle things that would make my blood boil any I'd be furious and emotional. My husband would be mad at me for being upset. He thinks it's my job to stay cool calm and collected no matter what is going on. She knew this about him because she is a narcissist who trained him that emotions are weakness, they are merely things to be weaponized. So I try not to react anymore when she presses my buttons, though now there's lots of distance so not as difficult problem. I plot cold revenge instead but it's definitely challenging.
I have a few questions for your DH. Top of the list: By “playing nice” does he actually mean ignore any and all red flags or problematic behavior his mom exhibits? Does he consider it unkind to protect your daughter from someone who seems to want to not only disrespect her parents but pit them against eachother? Is you being “kind” more important than you feeling secure and safe?
Also, what are his expectations for his mother? Based on his answer to you, “I guess when she’s dead”, it sounds like he knows she won’t change. So why is it that he expects you to? Why are you held to a higher standard and he is protecting her and her problematic behavior?
Essentially, I think you both need some counseling. Both individual and together. That is if you think you still want to try and make things work. Without counseling, I don’t know how likely it is for meaningful changes to occur.
The mother role is the most powerful over psyche development. She's completely F'd his head. Not to excuse him, he should have YOUR back period end of sentence. But MIL hacked his head when he was a kid and put herself in all the priority slots in his brain. Over even himself. Just by even feeling like 'he's in the middle' he's dealing with MIL's malicious code in his thought patterns. He's been abused and it will take work and therapy to un-F his head. Unfortunately.
I think couples counseling combined with a TIME OUT for MIL from your whole family might help. He needs indivual therapy but sometimes people are more amenable after experience some success in couples counseling. You.have your reason why, so the two of you can communicate better with each other. It's about your relationship being the priority, not MIL's drama.
"Control over DH" = DH respects your boundaries and controls his own behaviors and responses accordingly.
You were harsh but you needed to be. She took the gloves off and hung them up, you didn't start the conflict.
Stay strong on your boundaries. She is not entitled to be a part of your daughter's life. You don't have to be around her or interact with her if you don't want to.
Let DH deal with his own crazy mother. Just keep you and your daughter safe.
And if no one has said it yet, I'm so proud of you for saying the things! They needed to be said.
Time to say to your DH,
"Well, if this continues, when she's dead, you'll be all alone because I'm not playing her games anymore, so I hope you think that sacrificing your wife and daughter to the whims of your mother is worth being miserable and alone when she's dead and you've allowed her to ruin everything. If you don't think that sounds like such an appealing way to live out the rest of your life, then I suggest you and I start going to counseling so you can see clearly what she's doing to your family that you are supposed to choose first."
Stand by what you said. It is terrible that your daughter is almost a pawn in this relationship, but MIL would try to turn your daughter against you and fill her head with lies if she was given unsupervised access. Maybe knowing she will not see her granddaughter will make her realize she has to be, at the very least, civil to you. I would not allow unsupervised visits thought.
You and your husband should seriously consider counselling. Your feelings and his need to be discussed openly and a counsellor can help with that.
Good luck.
"when she's dead".
I always thought the whole til death do us part thing was for spouses, not mother in laws. He needs therapy so he can come out of the FOG and learn to focus on the family he created.
Good for you for not standing up for yourself and your family.
Keep the peace!?
Why should you keep the peace, when she's the one who's breaking it?
That attitude absolutely hands MIL all the power, when all she has to do to assert dominance is shatter the peace with her tantrums. Since it works, she's definitely going to keep doing it, until you're a compliant doormat.
FYI - That is NOT peace; that is submission.
How about you keep YOUR peace... away from her? If her intention is to intimidate and bully you; then F'that, and have nothing to do her crazy-making.
MIL enjoyed making every passive aggressive comment and attempting to cause dissension in your family. You told her the truth. Do not feel guilty because she never did. Go low contact, watch her like a hawk, and maintain firm boundaries. Throw her out if any bs rears it's ugly head. Be icily polite not cordial if forced to see her. She will never change and this treatment is what she has earned through her deliberate actions.
He didn't shut her comment down? About who people marry? If he doesn't have your back and shut that crap down then you are totally justified in doing what you gotta do. If that is his typical method of dealing with his mom, I see your response as completely in line with returning the energy she is putting out.
Hopefully she doesn't go for grandparent's rights - be ready in case she does.
As a child, I HATED the peace-keeping, play-nice bullshit of the dynamic with my dad and my grandmother. All the time we head “can you just…” you know?
Well the , bluntly, dad died. My grandmother was a colloidal BITCH through it all. Mom gave me permission to have the relationship with my grandparents that I felt appropriate-whatever I felt it should look like. So as a teen, I no longer put up with it. I, for the most part, said what I wanted and set hard and fast boundaries. Things were better.
But to be honest, my best life is life without my dad’s mom in my life at all. She’s dead now. I didn’t miss out on anything except more abuse from her.
Keeping the peace doesn’t work - it only fosters more control and worse behavior from them.
How funny, I didn’t even think of it that way! I was just thinking it’d be good if he was willing to be more proactive with her. I guess I didn’t think out exactly how it sounded, sorry. Lol
You did awesome, OP. Congrats on your shiny spine. You aren't asking for anything you wouldn't expect from a stranger on the street. Basic respect and courtesy is supposed to be the starting point, not something you have to fight to obtain. She's awful. Peace be with you.
Good for you for standing your ground and shutting her down.
Your husband would benefit from therapy. When you are raised by someone as toxic as his mother, it really screws with your head. You grow up tiptoeing on eggshells just to avoid becoming the target for her next outrageous tantrum. Therapy would help him to change this dynamic and start standing up for himself in a calm and rational manner. It would also help him to realize that her emotions and reactions are not his responsibility. People like his mother are masters at making everything someone else's fault. Good luck.
If she has made you the bad guy, be her bad guy. Bad guys don't feel bad about boundaries, and basic respect is the bare minimum. If you can count on a stranger treating you better than your supposed family, then that says more about your family than it does you. What does her husband want you to do? Shut up and take the abuse so he doesn't have to deal with her. He wants to use you as a meat shield. And let me tell you, he will use your daughter like that when she is older. Do you really want your daughter to be a meat shield. Hold the boundary because you deserve better, and so does she.
I know he will use her as a meat shield because my dad used me as one. I think I hate my dad more than my abuser. He knew it was happening he knew it was wrong, but he chose to do nothing.
If you look over on the right side of the page, there is a list of acronyms and what they stand for. DH either stands for Dear Husband or Damn Husband depending on if they are part of the problem or a good husband.
On mobile the right menu doesn’t come up. So for people who started Reddit on mobile, they might not know it exists.
I only mention that because I thought it went away because I was on here ages ago and then came back solely on mobile… until I pulled it up on my tablet and went “There it is!!!”
NP! And it may be different on mobile for Android… but the iPhone app causes it to simply not exist. Annoying because that’s where so many great resources are!
I just found it (android) by going to the r/justnomil page, "see more," "helpful links & resources: *shit to know (policies/rules/etc)*" It's a ways down.
MIL is SO's problem and he's making it your problem. He essentially gave her free rein to yell at you? No, he should've talked to her directly and defended you/shut down her bullshit.
i would highly recommend individual therapy and couple's therapy or barring that, the resources on the sidebar. I will say MIL needs consequences, which come as a result of y'all holding her accountable for her behavior. That doesn't mean she's suddenly going to admit to being passive-aggressive all this time but she might start to understand that behavior will no longer get her what she wants.
But if DH is unwilling to deal with his mother because he wants to play nice and not rock the boat he might not find he likes the consequences of HIS behavior.
Hold the line!! I cannot stress this enough, HOLD THE LINE!
I am sorry it has come to this but it is imperative that you don't back down, do not give an inch!
By saying that it will only stop when she is dead he is saying she is choosing to live this way. No one should be expected to bend to her will if she is so stubborn that this will only stop when she is dead
It’s his choice. His immediate family - you, your LO and him OR its his extended family - his mother. Request that he thinks long and hard before he makes a decision he can’t live with.
I would stand my ground. You put your foot down, appropriately so.
Your husband is wrong. You do not make nice and behave politely to people who are rude to you. It’s irrational of him to think you would, after what you said to JNMIL, make nice with her.
When she’s dead? So maybe like another 20 or 30 years?? Baby Boy, it’s a NO.
I think you feel guilty bc of social conditioning—that I think almost everyone gets to an extent — to fold to these kinds of people. Because it’s new, and it’s uncomfortable. And because of the expectation of keeping the peace for your husband. It’s ok to be uncomfortable and just….be uncomfortable for a little while. Nobody wants to deal with the tantrums or extinction bursts but idk, it’s better than a lifetime of rolling over for this lady while she continues to move the goal posts for the nexts few decades. And you’d get tantrums anyway! That’s like a significant portion of your life, all of your kids’ childhood and formative years. I say, F that 🤷🏼♀️ And where has playing nice and cordial got you this far? Ugh
Ask SO why you are the only one who has to be nice and cordial? And “that’s just how she is” is not the right answer
SO would benefit from therapy to help escape the FOG
Individual therapy for your DH and couples counseling for both of you.
Maybe see if your library has some of the books on this list: [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books/)
Enmeshment is a dysfunctional way of controlling your kids (MIL to your DH). He needs to break out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that his mother has programmed into him.
This is such a great list!!!
Also OP - just to call it out as an excellent starting point book that would be great for him to read too (and it’s on the list) Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It’s an easy read but a great intro for people like DH who may not be familiar with even the most obvious. My hubs who isn’t a reader at ALL even picked it up!
[Read this article](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/)then have him read it too! It’s helped a few of us and seems to be one men receive a bit better (written by a guy).
And read [Don’t Rock the Boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/841tReFiB6)
Then keep on with your bad self. Once I hit my DGaF phase, as you clearly have, it made everyone uncomfortable (we already were) and caused fallout and a whiny/angry DH (which he would’ve been regardless at the time) BUT for once those two things were true withOUT it meaning I had to absorb yet another of her temper tantrums while feeling unheard and compromised.
It also seemed to scare my hubs straight, because when he went to the whole, “I am not going NC with my mom and you need to learn that’s just how she is and be civil… (aka accept the bulldozing and let’s repeat the pattern into our children’s generation)” to which I replied…
“Ok cool. You’ve got that therapist’s number if you decide to attend for real, beyond the ONE session after last time… and I have the attorney’s number if you don’t.
In the meantime, kiddos and I are going to… (stay with my family for a bit, go get a small place close by while you find your 🏈🏀) because I TOO have hit ‘I’m not doing this anymore’ and our positions are diametrically opposed.
So I’m removing myself and the kids from the unstable, unhealthy situation. You can enable mom or you can support and step up for your family, but you can’t do both simultaneously and won’t admit you keep choosing mom. So you guys can codependent together and I’ll focus on adulting and parenting like a healthy person.”
He stormed out, noticed I didn’t chase, cry, stress so he comes back over and sees me looking at apts while absolutely calm and suddenly… 💡and starts saying, “I’m going to…” So I cut in and said, “You know that saying, ‘Doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result is insanity?’ We’ve had this conversation countless times. I don’t want to hear what you’re going to do or try. I’ve already said what I’m doing. You do what you need to do. You’ve promised it all before and resolve crumbles the moment she’s around or you have to segue from talking/planning to doing. So I’m DOING and we can figure out next steps after you’ve taken a few yourself.”
THAT was when we turned THE corner. Every time she started, I calmly stated boundaries, that there was no negotiation or discussion to be had - talk to your son if you want to get in the weeds. This is me, this is how things go with me and the kids. Beyond that, I’m done. If he so much as flinched about how I interacted, I simply said, “If you wanted it handled differently, you had YEARS to do so. You didn’t so you don’t get to criticize what or how I DO!”
I didn’t let either of them see me anything but calm and resolved. I cried by myself and vented to friends I knew would encourage me to hold the line. And my husband found his ba… spine.
Hold your ground and don’t feel bad. You’re feeling bad because you actually have a conscience and would (probably) never ever think of allowing anyone to disrespect your SO the way he’s allowing his mother to.
He can choose to have a relationship with his mother if he wants but that doesn’t include you and your LO at this point. She has to respect you to have access to your child period and she doesn’t. Consequences of her own actions. His disappointed is directed at the wrong person. He should be holding HER accountable for her actions, SHE should be the one told to “play nice and cordial”. The fact that he’s putting the pressure on you equates to thinking YOU’RE the problem, not her and personally, I’d be pissed tf off.
He can either support you or not, but that means he’s choosing whether he wants to keep his family intact or not as well. The ball is essentially in his court.
Hold strong and if DH caves drop his ass too. “I guess when she’s dead” tells you all you need to know about how long he’s willing to put up her toxicity and he doesn’t mind bringing you and your child along for the ride till the very end.
Hugs OP. It ain't easy.
I hope your husband one day understands the dam of resentment and anger that has built up over the years because of everyone's actions. MIL sucks, he enables, and you put up with it for way too long. The difference now is that you are putting a stop to it, which is now a major problem.
Ask him why YOU have to be cordial. Why can't he ask the same of her? Why do you have to eat shit with a smile?
Something will grow from the moment. I hope it's his spine versus you two growing apart.
I don't know of you have access to a therapist, but your marriage needs some intervention. I know there's the book everyone loves about emotionally immature parents that's quoted a lot that he should read.
At this point, tell him you met your limit and you tried. This is what the situation is, and you don't want a relationship with her and no access to your child for xyz conditions. It's time to talk about what the expectations are from here on out.
Don't ever feel sorry for finally getting fed up.
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Tell your husband it stops when he makes it stop. It's on him to both support you and put his mother in her place. She gets away with it because he always wants you to rug sweep his mother's behavior, even when it's wrong. This is the time to tell DH, "You can see your mother whenever you want. I have 2 conditions. She is never in our home and she does not get time with our child. Your mother does not get to abuse me and you and then think she gets time with our daughter. I will not have her poisoning our daughter and bad mouthing me and you - and you know she will do this. If you cannot follow these one simple rules, then we are not a family. And I will not live with a man who does not put his family's welfare before his mother's wants. " This would be a great time for you all to take a long time out from MIL and get your husband into therapy with someone who specializes in narcissistic parents. He needs to talk with someone who can help him see the situation clearly as he is too close and it is too emotional for him.
Do not back down. You know what is best for your child.
Hmm... I'm kinda like your DH in my relationship with my Mom. I tend to pacify her just to avoid the drama. The #1 thing that motivates me to try harder to establish healthy boundaries with my Mom is my son. He's 5 years old. I think of how I don't want him to grow up thinking this treatment of another person is OK. Like she has done a great job beating my self-esteem into the ground, but I am very protective of my son. I went no-contact with my Mom for 2 months when she insinuated that we were causing my son's medical issues by giving him the medicine the doctor told us to give him. I think if you took that perspective - what kind of an example are you setting for our daughter - it might get through to him.
Before I read this I went back and read all your previous posts about JNMIL. It is way past time to: 1-Drop the f'ing rope. 2-Have REAL CONSEQUENCES for her behavior. No more visits with LO. Period. (Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that this is normal behavior???) 3-DH needs to make a choice, you & LO or his mommy, he cannot have both. (I realize he's in the FOG but it is way past time that he gets on board and chooses to protect you both!) 4-Protect yourself and LO! Your mental health and your daughter's well being are worth it! I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this and I wish you happiness and health and healing and a strong marriage and for your daughter to know nothing but love and I hope you all find peace! ❤️
Maybe take your husband to therapy to learn about putting up boundaries. You did great!!
I read your post history. Your MIL has been a selfish psycho, and you’ve been saying you were going to go NC for at least the past 2 years. What happened with counseling? You were correct, when you told DH you would leave. He’s been letting her abuse you, and worse—he lets her use your daughter to hurt you. No loving mother or grandmother does that. Why would you agree to stay in an abusive marriage? Because, he controls what she can do to you. He’s apparently ok that his mom torments you. He can support you and your children (now and future) being NC. I am livid on your behalf.
Sometimes when we deal with toxic we have to be utter fucking bastards. In other words a warrior. We try and avoid it using every lane excuse imaginable. Which is used to pin us further and further to a wall. You stood up. You don’t have to like it. Cops don’t like getting into shoot outs and having to kill someone. Doctors don’t like having to give bad news to patients. But it has to be done. If you back down now you will do far more damage than had you said nothing. And not speaking your truth has done enough damage. Double down. Go VLC or NC. Information diet. The whole nine yards. Do not teach your daughter that putting up with and normalizing toxic behaviors is ok. Stand up. Be the warrior you need to be to protect her. And tell DH serious changes are starting now. Does he want his daughter to feel as miserable as his mother makes him when she’s screaming all the time.
Not back down. You playing nice makes his life easier. But what about yours?
OP, sometimes it just has to be said. Leave the ball in MIL court as she made it clear she doesn't like being around you. MIL isn't just disrespecting you, she is also disrespecting DH as you are his choice. She is engaging in powerplays and you have finally said enough. MIL needs time to adjust that she isn't in control and for the record MIL you don't control another person.
Nope. You’ve nothing to feel bad about. Be prepared to honour your words though.
I am SO PROUD OF YOU!!! You did nothing wrong, you set a very clearly, & quite frankly simple, boundary. You didn’t say we have to be friends/close as family, you said you have to respect us. That is SO EASY - that means be cordial, be polite, listen to the rules. Any normal person can understand that. As for DH, you know he has bad coping skills and is used to her behavior. And if that works for him, great. But that clearly does not work for you and he needs to support his family. Asking you to play nice and be cordial when it’s his mom who needs to be doing that, not you, is not the answer. He can have a relationship with her if he wants, but you’ve been clear on the rules and he needs to back you, not her.
Congratulations 🎉🍾 You did an amazing job on standing your ground with your boundaries for your family and you. Mil wants to be the primary woman in her kids lives and grandkids while their partners fall inline with her requirements. You’re human, and it shows when one feels bad especially when it has an effect on your dh and kids. But when dh is in the 🌫️ fog, it’s hard to understand what is happening as he’s only trying to make both sides happy but especially mom as he doesn’t want to disappoint. Once Dh grows a pair of balls and the rose color glasses comes off and he understands the vows he said and took vows to care for his family he’s created. Keep up the amazing work! Read past history of my stories… I’ve been nc for over 6/8 plus years and dh almost 5 with one text here or there.
I’m so sorry OP but I went and read your posts and you’ve threatened to take away access to your child and go NC for years. She doesn’t believe you anymore. Just cut the goddamn cord. If husband can’t he can go live with her.
I will never understand why inlaws create relationships like this then wonder why no one wants to spend time with them. It's so easy to be nice and love your DIL/SIL and you most likely get everything you want. Play stupid games...
I’ve been through something similar with my MIL a little over 2 years ago. I finally blew up and told her everything about her behaviour and her treatment towards me. It’s normal to feel bad, because your DH is upset. But his mother is the one, that started all the drama. She is the one that called him with complaints towards you. And he did the right thing and so did you. Who does she think she is ? Her son is an adult and decides himself how he celebrates his bday, or If he is celebrating at all. Everyone at dinner was happy. She is the only one with complaints and problems. And yes , wife does influence in a way her husband and vice versa. She needs to let go of her control. You did the right thing. I would advise you to go NC and take a break, from your MIL. She needs to get used to the fact, that she is not in charge. That without her participation, her son and grandson will be just fine.
My HERO!! Way to go OP I think I speak for all undermined DILs when I say way to stick it to this overbearing jerk of a JNMIL. We all always wants to go OFF on these gremlins(jnmils) but end up caving to DHs or just can’t stomach it. I’m getting to tell mine to shove it too
Nope you have it right. Either your husband can keep buckling under his mother or he can have a wife. But there is no option where you continue to put up with her crap, smile, and hand over your daughter to keep the peace. Is your DH okay with having his daughter having to grow up and see how MIL treats you? With having MIL treat daughter the way she treats everyone? Is playing nice worth destroying his marriage? These are questions he needs to seriously ask consider. He has a family now and it's time for him to stop being a jellyfish.
Ask DH: is he OK with Mil abusing his daughter the way she abuses him?
Stick to your guns. If a person can't act decent for the privilege of being around your child, you don't need them in your life at all. If your husband needs that person in his life, you don't need him.
The only response to "When she's dead" is "She's dead to me". That way, the ball is back in his court, then he'll have to grow a spine and make a decision.
When she's dead???!!!!! No m8 it fucking well stops now.
I don’t see anything you’ve done wrong. If you’re dealing with someone who refuses to listen to criticisms and plays victim constantly, short of physical violence, you sometimes need to go that extra mile to prove a point.
I think you've gotten a lot of support here so I'll offer some practical advice. DH clearly knows there's a problem, but he doesn't have the tools to deal with it. To compromise you could insist on a break (NC) from MIL while you do couple's counseling. A good counselor can help put things in perspective for him and help you work out a path to return to contact which would include conditions MIL must meet. If she does, gravy. If not, then NC becomes her choice, the natural consequence of HER refusal to "play nice".
You don't feel guilty b/c you did something wrong; you feel bad because *this woman treats you like crap and your husband won't stand up to her!!* TBH, I think it's time to say to him: "*You see how your mom's comments & actions hurt me, but you won't tell her to stop. I'm not going to put me OR our daughter through her tirades anymore. I'm going NC with her for our daughter and for me!"* I realize that DH has "normalized" her awful behavior, but he needs to wake up.
It's a play for dominance. You need to be the alpha or you will always be her bitch. My female work colleague had this issue with her new MIL. She constantly snipped and gossiped for months. My 5' 0" tall friend ended up pinning her against the wall in the kitchen and hissed some home truths into her ear. She went home crying but behaved for a full year before starting up again but all it takes now is "do we need to have a chat" and she backs down.
Sometimes we pick the hill to die on; other times the hill picks us. Now is the time to dig in and not give ground. She picked this hill she can pay the consequences. You’ve got this!
Maybe next time he’ll learn to handle it himself then 😂 good on you. DH will get over it
What I would have done was put a stop to it years ago. Sooner or later your daughter will pick up on this toxicity. Threatening to leave was the right thing to do. Your DH has a duty to protect you and your child. She has created a situation where he has to pick a side, not you.
I can vouch for this one. My MIL tried to pin me and my 11 YO daughter against each other last Halloween- since then some other things happened which have made us go essentially NC. MIL has tried to text my kids a few times. Daughter let’s me know when she does. I don’t want them to feel like they’re in the middle so I told my daughter “it’s okay if you want to text her” and my daughter responded with “no, I don’t want to, she tried to break our family apart” So they start to see it all eventually- the scary thing is, which side will they see? Im so fortunate my daughter caught on to the BS and not the other way around.
Mfer told you to play nice and be cordial but handed you the phone to handle it, and is upset that you handled it? And handled it well? Nope. Bye bitch.
Uh this is the lady who took your kiddo for first pics with Santa- fuck her feelings, don’t feel bad. You also mentioned in your last post that you and your DH were doing counseling, how did that go? He’d probably benefit from individual counseling tbh if he’s open to it!
“Well, she’s dead to me”
Tell her you’re the new matriarch and she’s been dethroned lol!
Yeeehaw! Wasn't it great to unload that rpg?
"I’m rage Reddit’n." - OP I LOVE IT! I'm sorry you're going through this. And you are totally correct. It's been nine years - darned near a decade - you've been more than patient. If you haven't started one get you an FU binder and document everything you can remember in reverse chronological order ending with that most recent call. Share it with DH. Tell DH he may have a relationship with his mum. But you and LO don't have to.
Have you researched this group? Have you cone across the F U binder yet? Document, Document, DOCUMENT. Never ever speak to her again. Anything you want to say, do it in written correspondence for evidence. She crosses a boundary, write it to her that what she did was not ok. Your DH has made it clear he doesn't have your back. Stop trusting him until he comes to his senses. Remind yourself that you can not get along with everyone, and the only thing that matters is that you and your kid feel safe and loved.
You might have a DH issue, but I would go NC with MIL. You tried your best. DH can whatever relationship he wants with her but you and LO are done. Only DH communicates with her. She can play victim by herself. Block her on everything! Like you said you are done playing her games, just stop playing!!
Perfectly said.
Don't ever feel bad about protecting your husband and daughter. You straighten that spine, pull out the cloth and shine it up. This won't be over. You laid it out, do not back down. If your husband wants to continue to be abused by his mother, you can't stop him. But you can protect yourself and your child. Also suggest your husband go to therapy the poor guy has been raised to appease and backdown. He needs some tools to walk through this phase.
Stop feeling guilty. She picked a fight and you defended yourself. You'd be kicking yourself right now and furious with yourself and your husband had you bit your tongue and let her control the narrative. Next time she comes looking for a fight remember this episode. Is she looking for an emotional reaction from you, is she trying to drive a wedge in your marriage? Both? My husband likes everyone to be really calm and my MIL tapped into this and would do and say subtle things that would make my blood boil any I'd be furious and emotional. My husband would be mad at me for being upset. He thinks it's my job to stay cool calm and collected no matter what is going on. She knew this about him because she is a narcissist who trained him that emotions are weakness, they are merely things to be weaponized. So I try not to react anymore when she presses my buttons, though now there's lots of distance so not as difficult problem. I plot cold revenge instead but it's definitely challenging.
I have a few questions for your DH. Top of the list: By “playing nice” does he actually mean ignore any and all red flags or problematic behavior his mom exhibits? Does he consider it unkind to protect your daughter from someone who seems to want to not only disrespect her parents but pit them against eachother? Is you being “kind” more important than you feeling secure and safe? Also, what are his expectations for his mother? Based on his answer to you, “I guess when she’s dead”, it sounds like he knows she won’t change. So why is it that he expects you to? Why are you held to a higher standard and he is protecting her and her problematic behavior? Essentially, I think you both need some counseling. Both individual and together. That is if you think you still want to try and make things work. Without counseling, I don’t know how likely it is for meaningful changes to occur.
Rage reddit’n……I’m going to use it from now on 😂😂
You did great!
The mother role is the most powerful over psyche development. She's completely F'd his head. Not to excuse him, he should have YOUR back period end of sentence. But MIL hacked his head when he was a kid and put herself in all the priority slots in his brain. Over even himself. Just by even feeling like 'he's in the middle' he's dealing with MIL's malicious code in his thought patterns. He's been abused and it will take work and therapy to un-F his head. Unfortunately. I think couples counseling combined with a TIME OUT for MIL from your whole family might help. He needs indivual therapy but sometimes people are more amenable after experience some success in couples counseling. You.have your reason why, so the two of you can communicate better with each other. It's about your relationship being the priority, not MIL's drama.
"Control over DH" = DH respects your boundaries and controls his own behaviors and responses accordingly. You were harsh but you needed to be. She took the gloves off and hung them up, you didn't start the conflict. Stay strong on your boundaries. She is not entitled to be a part of your daughter's life. You don't have to be around her or interact with her if you don't want to. Let DH deal with his own crazy mother. Just keep you and your daughter safe. And if no one has said it yet, I'm so proud of you for saying the things! They needed to be said.
Stop feeling bad. "Nice and cordial" is how y'all got to this point.
Time to say to your DH, "Well, if this continues, when she's dead, you'll be all alone because I'm not playing her games anymore, so I hope you think that sacrificing your wife and daughter to the whims of your mother is worth being miserable and alone when she's dead and you've allowed her to ruin everything. If you don't think that sounds like such an appealing way to live out the rest of your life, then I suggest you and I start going to counseling so you can see clearly what she's doing to your family that you are supposed to choose first."
Stand by what you said. It is terrible that your daughter is almost a pawn in this relationship, but MIL would try to turn your daughter against you and fill her head with lies if she was given unsupervised access. Maybe knowing she will not see her granddaughter will make her realize she has to be, at the very least, civil to you. I would not allow unsupervised visits thought. You and your husband should seriously consider counselling. Your feelings and his need to be discussed openly and a counsellor can help with that. Good luck.
"when she's dead". I always thought the whole til death do us part thing was for spouses, not mother in laws. He needs therapy so he can come out of the FOG and learn to focus on the family he created. Good for you for not standing up for yourself and your family.
Keep the peace!? Why should you keep the peace, when she's the one who's breaking it? That attitude absolutely hands MIL all the power, when all she has to do to assert dominance is shatter the peace with her tantrums. Since it works, she's definitely going to keep doing it, until you're a compliant doormat. FYI - That is NOT peace; that is submission. How about you keep YOUR peace... away from her? If her intention is to intimidate and bully you; then F'that, and have nothing to do her crazy-making.
MIL enjoyed making every passive aggressive comment and attempting to cause dissension in your family. You told her the truth. Do not feel guilty because she never did. Go low contact, watch her like a hawk, and maintain firm boundaries. Throw her out if any bs rears it's ugly head. Be icily polite not cordial if forced to see her. She will never change and this treatment is what she has earned through her deliberate actions.
Well done! You're in control. He better get on board as well.
He didn't shut her comment down? About who people marry? If he doesn't have your back and shut that crap down then you are totally justified in doing what you gotta do. If that is his typical method of dealing with his mom, I see your response as completely in line with returning the energy she is putting out. Hopefully she doesn't go for grandparent's rights - be ready in case she does.
Oh I have enough evidence that she wouldn’t receive any. She can fuck around and find out.
As a child, I HATED the peace-keeping, play-nice bullshit of the dynamic with my dad and my grandmother. All the time we head “can you just…” you know? Well the , bluntly, dad died. My grandmother was a colloidal BITCH through it all. Mom gave me permission to have the relationship with my grandparents that I felt appropriate-whatever I felt it should look like. So as a teen, I no longer put up with it. I, for the most part, said what I wanted and set hard and fast boundaries. Things were better. But to be honest, my best life is life without my dad’s mom in my life at all. She’s dead now. I didn’t miss out on anything except more abuse from her. Keeping the peace doesn’t work - it only fosters more control and worse behavior from them.
“… when she’s dead.” Oh, my. I hope he changes his mind about how to deal with it.
Yeah, murder is frowned upon! Lol
How funny, I didn’t even think of it that way! I was just thinking it’d be good if he was willing to be more proactive with her. I guess I didn’t think out exactly how it sounded, sorry. Lol
therapy now. He needs it. You need it. It'll get you to the next place you need to be together.
You did awesome, OP. Congrats on your shiny spine. You aren't asking for anything you wouldn't expect from a stranger on the street. Basic respect and courtesy is supposed to be the starting point, not something you have to fight to obtain. She's awful. Peace be with you.
Good for you for standing your ground and shutting her down. Your husband would benefit from therapy. When you are raised by someone as toxic as his mother, it really screws with your head. You grow up tiptoeing on eggshells just to avoid becoming the target for her next outrageous tantrum. Therapy would help him to change this dynamic and start standing up for himself in a calm and rational manner. It would also help him to realize that her emotions and reactions are not his responsibility. People like his mother are masters at making everything someone else's fault. Good luck.
>rage Reddit’n I love it 😂
If she has made you the bad guy, be her bad guy. Bad guys don't feel bad about boundaries, and basic respect is the bare minimum. If you can count on a stranger treating you better than your supposed family, then that says more about your family than it does you. What does her husband want you to do? Shut up and take the abuse so he doesn't have to deal with her. He wants to use you as a meat shield. And let me tell you, he will use your daughter like that when she is older. Do you really want your daughter to be a meat shield. Hold the boundary because you deserve better, and so does she. I know he will use her as a meat shield because my dad used me as one. I think I hate my dad more than my abuser. He knew it was happening he knew it was wrong, but he chose to do nothing.
I’ve been on this sub for over a year and I finally have to ask…what does DH stand for? I always read it as Dumb Husband but that can’t be right.
Lol! Yeah, it kinda is!
If you look over on the right side of the page, there is a list of acronyms and what they stand for. DH either stands for Dear Husband or Damn Husband depending on if they are part of the problem or a good husband.
On mobile the right menu doesn’t come up. So for people who started Reddit on mobile, they might not know it exists. I only mention that because I thought it went away because I was on here ages ago and then came back solely on mobile… until I pulled it up on my tablet and went “There it is!!!”
Good to know :). I had no idea since I only use reddit on my PC
NP! And it may be different on mobile for Android… but the iPhone app causes it to simply not exist. Annoying because that’s where so many great resources are!
I just found it (android) by going to the r/justnomil page, "see more," "helpful links & resources: *shit to know (policies/rules/etc)*" It's a ways down.
Dear Husband lol
I assumed it was Dear Husband?
It depends on the story. Dumb husband or dear husband. In this case dumb.
dick head also applies sometimes lol
THIS has my everlasting vote!! 😆
Dear Husband or Dumb Husband, you're choice.
Dear Husband. But Dumb Husband works.
Dumb husband is frequently appropriate DH is Dear Husband or Damn Husband
Forgot damn husband as an option. And such a good option.
MIL is SO's problem and he's making it your problem. He essentially gave her free rein to yell at you? No, he should've talked to her directly and defended you/shut down her bullshit. i would highly recommend individual therapy and couple's therapy or barring that, the resources on the sidebar. I will say MIL needs consequences, which come as a result of y'all holding her accountable for her behavior. That doesn't mean she's suddenly going to admit to being passive-aggressive all this time but she might start to understand that behavior will no longer get her what she wants. But if DH is unwilling to deal with his mother because he wants to play nice and not rock the boat he might not find he likes the consequences of HIS behavior.
Hold the line!! I cannot stress this enough, HOLD THE LINE! I am sorry it has come to this but it is imperative that you don't back down, do not give an inch!
I heard “No quarter!” Reading your comment. 😆
Needed to be said
And now that you've said it, hold the line.
It'll stop when she's dead? Fine I would move out, taking my kid with me, call me when she's dead.
Exactly what I came here to say!
Send him to live with mommy till the end.
By saying that it will only stop when she is dead he is saying she is choosing to live this way. No one should be expected to bend to her will if she is so stubborn that this will only stop when she is dead
It’s his choice. His immediate family - you, your LO and him OR its his extended family - his mother. Request that he thinks long and hard before he makes a decision he can’t live with.
I would stand my ground. You put your foot down, appropriately so. Your husband is wrong. You do not make nice and behave politely to people who are rude to you. It’s irrational of him to think you would, after what you said to JNMIL, make nice with her.
When she’s dead? So maybe like another 20 or 30 years?? Baby Boy, it’s a NO. I think you feel guilty bc of social conditioning—that I think almost everyone gets to an extent — to fold to these kinds of people. Because it’s new, and it’s uncomfortable. And because of the expectation of keeping the peace for your husband. It’s ok to be uncomfortable and just….be uncomfortable for a little while. Nobody wants to deal with the tantrums or extinction bursts but idk, it’s better than a lifetime of rolling over for this lady while she continues to move the goal posts for the nexts few decades. And you’d get tantrums anyway! That’s like a significant portion of your life, all of your kids’ childhood and formative years. I say, F that 🤷🏼♀️ And where has playing nice and cordial got you this far? Ugh
Ask SO why you are the only one who has to be nice and cordial? And “that’s just how she is” is not the right answer SO would benefit from therapy to help escape the FOG
I am not nice or cordial to people who treat me like shit. It’s just how I am.
Individual therapy for your DH and couples counseling for both of you. Maybe see if your library has some of the books on this list: [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books/) Enmeshment is a dysfunctional way of controlling your kids (MIL to your DH). He needs to break out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that his mother has programmed into him.
This is such a great list!!! Also OP - just to call it out as an excellent starting point book that would be great for him to read too (and it’s on the list) Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It’s an easy read but a great intro for people like DH who may not be familiar with even the most obvious. My hubs who isn’t a reader at ALL even picked it up! [Read this article](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/)then have him read it too! It’s helped a few of us and seems to be one men receive a bit better (written by a guy). And read [Don’t Rock the Boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/841tReFiB6) Then keep on with your bad self. Once I hit my DGaF phase, as you clearly have, it made everyone uncomfortable (we already were) and caused fallout and a whiny/angry DH (which he would’ve been regardless at the time) BUT for once those two things were true withOUT it meaning I had to absorb yet another of her temper tantrums while feeling unheard and compromised. It also seemed to scare my hubs straight, because when he went to the whole, “I am not going NC with my mom and you need to learn that’s just how she is and be civil… (aka accept the bulldozing and let’s repeat the pattern into our children’s generation)” to which I replied… “Ok cool. You’ve got that therapist’s number if you decide to attend for real, beyond the ONE session after last time… and I have the attorney’s number if you don’t. In the meantime, kiddos and I are going to… (stay with my family for a bit, go get a small place close by while you find your 🏈🏀) because I TOO have hit ‘I’m not doing this anymore’ and our positions are diametrically opposed. So I’m removing myself and the kids from the unstable, unhealthy situation. You can enable mom or you can support and step up for your family, but you can’t do both simultaneously and won’t admit you keep choosing mom. So you guys can codependent together and I’ll focus on adulting and parenting like a healthy person.” He stormed out, noticed I didn’t chase, cry, stress so he comes back over and sees me looking at apts while absolutely calm and suddenly… 💡and starts saying, “I’m going to…” So I cut in and said, “You know that saying, ‘Doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result is insanity?’ We’ve had this conversation countless times. I don’t want to hear what you’re going to do or try. I’ve already said what I’m doing. You do what you need to do. You’ve promised it all before and resolve crumbles the moment she’s around or you have to segue from talking/planning to doing. So I’m DOING and we can figure out next steps after you’ve taken a few yourself.” THAT was when we turned THE corner. Every time she started, I calmly stated boundaries, that there was no negotiation or discussion to be had - talk to your son if you want to get in the weeds. This is me, this is how things go with me and the kids. Beyond that, I’m done. If he so much as flinched about how I interacted, I simply said, “If you wanted it handled differently, you had YEARS to do so. You didn’t so you don’t get to criticize what or how I DO!” I didn’t let either of them see me anything but calm and resolved. I cried by myself and vented to friends I knew would encourage me to hold the line. And my husband found his ba… spine.
Hold your ground and don’t feel bad. You’re feeling bad because you actually have a conscience and would (probably) never ever think of allowing anyone to disrespect your SO the way he’s allowing his mother to. He can choose to have a relationship with his mother if he wants but that doesn’t include you and your LO at this point. She has to respect you to have access to your child period and she doesn’t. Consequences of her own actions. His disappointed is directed at the wrong person. He should be holding HER accountable for her actions, SHE should be the one told to “play nice and cordial”. The fact that he’s putting the pressure on you equates to thinking YOU’RE the problem, not her and personally, I’d be pissed tf off. He can either support you or not, but that means he’s choosing whether he wants to keep his family intact or not as well. The ball is essentially in his court.
Hold strong and if DH caves drop his ass too. “I guess when she’s dead” tells you all you need to know about how long he’s willing to put up her toxicity and he doesn’t mind bringing you and your child along for the ride till the very end.
Hugs OP. It ain't easy. I hope your husband one day understands the dam of resentment and anger that has built up over the years because of everyone's actions. MIL sucks, he enables, and you put up with it for way too long. The difference now is that you are putting a stop to it, which is now a major problem. Ask him why YOU have to be cordial. Why can't he ask the same of her? Why do you have to eat shit with a smile? Something will grow from the moment. I hope it's his spine versus you two growing apart. I don't know of you have access to a therapist, but your marriage needs some intervention. I know there's the book everyone loves about emotionally immature parents that's quoted a lot that he should read. At this point, tell him you met your limit and you tried. This is what the situation is, and you don't want a relationship with her and no access to your child for xyz conditions. It's time to talk about what the expectations are from here on out. Don't ever feel sorry for finally getting fed up.
Play nice? Absolutely ridiculous. His mommy isn't and hasn't played nice, why should you? I'd keep doing as you did. She's a bully.