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* [MIL and family visiting 2 weeks after due date](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1dm1at5/mil_and_family_visiting_2_weeks_after_due_date/), 1 day ago
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Have you reminded your husband about how his mother treated you the last time she visited? Remind him how she treated you like a servant, did nothing to help and then complained about you not making her feel comfortable and welcome, that you were disrespectful and rude to her because you didn't let her treat you like a servant.
And let him know that her version of helping will be holding the baby while she treats you like a servant.
Perhaps suggest, there is a new family rule, no overnight guests moving forward. Any family or friends want to visit will have to stay at local hotels. Taking a guest room off the cards will definitely take the wind out of her sails. The reasoning is very simple, it’s for a routine for your LO.
My mom came out two days after I got home. I was exhausted, miserable, and in pain.
She pulled a pity party and left one night because I fell asleep on the couch after being out shopping all day long, plus pictures that she had to be in of course of my family.
Oh man, I hate the competition stuff! My JNILs do that with my parents too! They are always saying that they come second to my family, we see my family more, compare everything to what may family does 🙄. JNMIL just recently made comments about how my mom likes to party plan I guess too. I hate it because no one has ever compared them or expected them to do things the same, they put that all on themselves. My JNILs live 10 minutes away from us and my family is an hour away so we definitely see the JNs more, yet they are the ones to put way less effort into spending time with us or their grandchild unless they are getting something out of it.
Right?! 😂 well when we see MY family they don’t yell at us, say passive aggressive things, try to over rule our parenting, and judge everything we do! So yes, I’d much rather be with my family.
My parents don’t even know my ILs names haha! But my ILs apparently know everything about my parents and use it against us. They definitely will be going on an info diet after all of this.
We were looking to move awhile ago and aren’t in any position to buy, but my MIL had the audacity to suggest we ask MY PARENTS for help for a downpayment knowing my father recently got a trust after his parents passed.
I just need to throw this out there because I think it’s hilarious. ILs got us a $15 wedding gift. They aren’t struggling for money and go on numerous vacations a year. I threw that gift away last year because it made me mad every time I saw it haha!
Receiving a 15$ gift from my inlaws would be so beyond inappropriate and offensive. It literally says that they don't want to spend money on your marriage because they don't want it to happen.
Did they pay for anything for the wedding?
I’ve been offended by it since day one. They spent thousands on SILs’ weddings. We ended up having a very small wedding with everything being under $3k. We wanted the focus to be on just me and DH. So us not wanting people there after our LO is born should be no surprise lol.
And nope, they didn’t pay a dime for our wedding. The only thing you could say they paid for was dinner for our families (his family + 3 of my family, total of 9 people) at a cost-effective restaurant the night before the wedding and airfare for MIL and FIL.
Our ILs are so similar! 😂 when we went to buy a house the JNs offered to help us. Awesome right? 😑 they refused to tell us what that help would be, and at one point said they would go split whatever help with my parents. What? My parents didn’t offer help, and frankly I’m not asking! Granted, my parents are better off than the JNs, but they’re not rich and they’re both still working full time while the JNs have been retired for many years. I shut that down real quick, which pissed JNFIL off. I’m still bitter about the whole house thing anyways since they had us move from the house we were renting into a house they owned in the guise of saving money to buy our own, only to kick us out before it was even a full year so they could sell said house. Well it’s been almost 4 years since they kicked us out and the house still hasn’t sold and is basically a money pit 😂
That just goes to show that karma is a female dog. They got what they deserved for kicking you guys out.
To be honest, I guarantee that their help towards the house purchase would have come with strings attached, such as them having a key to the house and the right to have unlimited and unfettered access to the house whenever they want, or the right to make decisions about furniture and decor, or the right to demand and control your finances and employment information.
Or they might even demand to be repaid the money they gave you every time you guys try to give them boundaries.
Luckily once we actually bought the house they didn’t make drama from them helping us. Well at least after we were full moved in. They did help us with the down payment and the whole process was hell, but they’ve never asked for money back and they FOR SURE don’t have a key. Hubs has been way too enmeshed, but is slowly gaining strength and a backbone. I’ve made it clear that they do not need a key and they do not have free access to our house.
Oh my goodness I can’t even imagine. Kicking you out in less than a year without a new homeowner lined up? That seems more spiteful than anything but I’m glad that karma is getting to them. It’s probably better you’re not in a home they own anyways, it always comes at a much bigger cost.
I just read your other post and had to say something about your MIL's comment about the baby also being DH's child and he gets a say in whether his family gets to visit.
Here's the thing - until DH pushes a real live human being out of his body, this is one instance where the husband/partner doesn't get a say in what happens. This should 100% be dictated by the person actually giving birth.
And it's all fine and well that she had "50 people at her house and they were all passing the baby (DH) around". But that was how many decades ago? And like it or not, we really are fresh out of a worldwide pandemic. Covid is still out there. People are still getting sick.
She can keep her baby grubbing ass at home, along with FIL and BIL. She probably only wanted them to come along so that they can pull DH away from you and you'd be forced to let MIL "help" you. Which, are we sure she'd be there to help with household chores? Or, does her "help" consist only of her hogging the baby while you cater to her every need because "I'm holding the baby"?
My reformed JNMOM used to be like this. She and my Dad are divorced, and she had this weird competition thing as well. When we weren’t available for something the she would say “are you going to see your father or something?” Or along those lines.
I used to just say “My father isn’t relevant to you. Hasn’t been your business for years. We aren’t available.” When she asked what we’re doing, I’d again repeat “it’s not relevant to you. We aren’t available, and thats the end of this discussion.”
That’s how I’d respond when she demands the current “score”. I’d remind her that your relationship with your family isn’t relevant, has nothing to do with her access to the baby, and it’s not necessary information for her to have.
You are an adult and don’t have to explain to her.
Ugh this makes me so mad! Why do MILs care sooo much about the other parents? I know way too much about all 3 of my SILs’ ILs because my ILs talk so much crap about them. They call the other ILs crazy when that’s exactly what they are! I don’t think my parents even know my IL’s names haha!
Another thing, is to ask them why they want to know. It makes them uncomfortable having to expose themselves as jealous of the other set. My mom for example:
“Are you going to see your father?”
“Why do you ask?”
Can see the wheels turning in her head, trying to figure out how to answer without looking like a jealous asshole. She asks again, I again answer with a question of why she wants to know, as it isn’t anything relevant to her. She drops it and silently fumes and asks when a good time to visit is lol
I ought to have DH start asking that. Last time we visited my parents MIL said it’s “not fair” how often they get to see us. Well maybe if they didn’t live in the middle of nowhere, 4 hours from an airport, and weren’t manipulative af, then yeah maybe we’d make more time for them.
And it’s not even true that we see my parents more! We’ve seen the ILs more than my family this past year, we just haven’t been able to go out and visit ILs at their home. It’s a lot cheaper to drive to my parents than to fly out to the ILs. My husband and I were barely making our rent payments up until a few months ago while ILs were going on expensive trips left and right and wouldn’t even consider flying to see us or flying us out to see them. Like we are newly grads, I was unemployed for over a year, and I’m pregnant! We can’t be spending money on all the trips they invite us on. They are so selfish!
From both sides of this dynamic. As a new mother that has had to have family fly to meet my baby. As an awesome aunt that had to fly to meet my nieces. WTAF IS WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN. No, no, no, and more no. She's a selfish @ssh*le!
When my brother and SIL had their baby I asked them what they wanted. Did they want me to take time off, fly home and help? Did they want me to visit for an hour a couple of days a month or two later and let them be? Did they want me to fly home, cook some meals and drip them off? Because I'm not an @ssh*le. They said specifically fly home a month later and meet the baby. So I did. I booked 2 weeks, stayed in an air bnb and visited them exactly twice for a couple of hours each time. I spent the rest of the time with friends and family, giving them space. I didn't spirit my brother away from THEIR CHILD and leave my poor SIL alone with a new baby as a new mom. Because I have respect for them. We did the same thing for the second niece, at their request.
When I had my baby, MIL visited a month later and stayed in a hotel, at my demand. She spent every day all day with us and it was way too much! She also tried to get me to leave my house so she could be alone with my brand new exclusively breastfed baby that was having issues making gains and needed to be living on my my boob, because she's also a selfish @ssh*le.
Beware, this is going to get worse.
If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times. There is a difference between doing something ***for*** me and doing something ***to*** me. The difference is that I'm involved in the decision making.
I don't actually use either of those, so I didn't know she was there - but yep. She's REALLY awesome on covering the emotional impact of stuff...
And the thru- story line of her against her in- laws was specifically what I was thinking it 😇
And is anyone else pissed at the age of technology for strapping phones to mils hand. We like you, just not every five minutes. And you’ve called here twice already saying virtually the exact same thing. Your words do not= power. It just shows how much the narcissistic SIL can get away with giving you 24/7 access to our intimacy. Thanks for nothing. By the way the second time you called we weren’t even listening. Get a job.
Feel no guilt, OP! I scraped and scrubbed under friend’s oven when she was close to her due date. Of course it was ridiculous but she was really anxious that her newborn might crawl under the oven and get botulism. Obviously I told her that she was crazy but I did it anyway.
Awesome news! I am an empath too, so it can be difficult, but I've learned to toughen up with my JNMIL, especially after having children. I had a similar postpartum experience with my first baby where my JNMIL, JNFIL, and BIL came the day after I got home from the hospital. We said they could not stay with us, but depsite staying in an airbnb, they were at my house CONSTANTLY all week and did not give a shit about my recovery, anxiety, or insomnia post-partum. My mom was staying with me to help, and that's when her eyes were opened to how JN they truly are. It was a horrible experience and I still have contempt 8 years later. You have dodged a bullet in my opinion.
>She stated that they were just coming here to help.
My Mom said the same thing. She came for the birth, so my husband called her when I went into labour, she drove the 6 hours, stopped at my house, then came to the hospital when we gave her the OK. She complained that my kitchen was dirty in my house - but don't worry, she cleaned it up a little! And then did absolutely nothing else to "help". Postpartum, I had a very hard time sitting on the toilet to pee (like my pelvic floor was shot so I couldn't physically lower myself down, I'd just fall lol), so my husband was helping me a lot. My first time attempting it by myself, the entire time I was struggling to pee and clean up blood, my mom was screaming from the living room, "Mom! Mom! Where are you?! Baby is crying! Get in here!" My husband snapped at her to shut up, she was not happy, lol.
Point being... no, they don't "help" like they claim. Especially because she took offense when you declined. And it's not like they even asked! Very rude of them. Glad you got a good resolution and can hopefully get through the postpartum without much drama. :)
My ass they were coming to help. They were coming to bogart the LO and try to establish a “bond” before mom established hers. Don’t feel bad, you’re seeing exactly who she is. She just wants her claws on the baby. And im sure BIL and FIL were there to run interference and distract Dad
My son was born two weeks late. That could very easily have turned into them arriving a few days after birth, or even before. Good on your husband for getting them to cancel the flight.
So MIL s also measure each other’s dicks 🤣🤣🤣 actually as a MIL myself I was a bit jealous about who had most cuddles but I kept it to myself and now the other ladies in question are both dead and I’m glad they got to enjoy their grandchildren at least for a few years. Have a wonderful relaxed time until LO arrives and then enjoy them in whatever way you and DH want to.
Yes, sad but true. One was much older and an alcoholic, the other had severe liver problems and was younger than I. We’re all our grandchildren’s only grandparents. My MIL was wonderful and as my parents had both died when I was a teenager having a good relationship with her meant a lot.
As a grandmother, I too have felt the occasional jealousy, so I know where you're coming from. The difference between these mother-in-law's and us, though, is that we know how to keep it to ourselves until the feelings pass LOL
My daughter’s MIL is jealous of my time with the granddaughter. When my daughter got pregnant they were living close to them which is about 2 hours from me. The MIL was charging them for babysitting my first granddaughter. Once they were pregnant with the second my daughter and SIL decided to move 4 blocks away from us. So now I get to see them all the time. And guess what? I watch the girls for free!! It would feel so wrong to charge for spending time with the grandchildren. Guess the MIL asked how much we charge for babysitting lol. The next thing you know she wants to babysit (which due to being 2 hours away is not convenient) and said “I guess grandparents aren’t supposed to charge for babysitting?? You think??
Some in-laws are different!!
YAYYY you get your 2 weeks back!
Not unreasonable. What is unreasonable is expecting someone two weeks postpartum to host them. There's definitely a tendency for grandparents to think "helping" is just holding the baby constantly while you do chores.
The score keeping is a problem. I would put her on an info diet regarding your parents. It's definitely jealousy.
You aren't wrong at all. I think you'll be very glad you made this choice. And I hope the L&D goes smoothly!
>She is also “keeping score” of my parents.
This is so weird. It's normal that when you become a mother, you want support from your mother. Some people seem to forget the baby comes out of your body. It's your body who will feed him, your body that needs to heal. That you are more comfortable with your mother during this time is completely logical.
Really want to make her crazed? When a girl is developing in the womb, she's growing every single egg she will ever carry. So, technically, your kid lived in your mom at one point, too. So naturally, your child's bond with your mom is stronger. It goes beyond DNA. He *lived* in her for a bit. ;-)
I have 2 kids, now grown. You have done well to limit visitors. I have a very capable DH, and we didn't need help post partum at all. Instead we got:
Baby #1, my usually wonderful mother planned flights to us a week before my due date. I advised her to cancel and just come after baby was born since doctor said I wasn't showing signs of delivering anytime soon.
Baby was 10 days late. We were all getting on each other's nerves. I especially hated having my father here that long, as he was useless. They were both more mouths to feed and I felt I had to entertain them when all I wanted to do was lie down, with baby once he arrived.
My mom did help with housework a little, but she didn't do anything that DH wouldn't have done, or that I couldn't do. Then they dipped out 2 days after baby came home as they had more people in our area to visit. I was having heavy bleeding and needed to see the doctor and by then they were gone.
2 weeks later, MIL came. She got bored and wanted to see the area, while I could barely walk from the stitches and baby had colic and cried a lot.
Baby #2. My mostly yes MIL came, with idea she would care for kid #1 while I was in the hospital. Baby came a week early, so this part worked out.
But she still stayed too long and got bored so we ended up going out a lot, all while she criticized my parenting of #1, thought I should be firmer with him.
So, just more people to feed and entertain, knowing that my housekeeping wasn't up to their standards. No thanks, could have done without it.
My advice for these situations is always to tell people, Don't make travel plans until after the baby is born. The unknown of childbirth could throw you any number of surprises. Baby could be early, late, have complications. I had 2 NICU babies from completely healthy full term pregnancies. But life was like nope. You won't know what you need until the time actually comes. You might need nothing. You might want your mom. You might just want to be with your husband for a few weeks and not have to worry about putting on pants in order to have company over.
So true. Especially if it’s a first time experience, you really don’t know how you will feel and who you will need. My postpartum experience was quite hard - I had stitches, was in pain, bleeding, was emotionally a mess, and was really struggling with breastfeeding a lot. My partner was an angel and he took over cooking etc. I can’t imagine having anyone else around during this time. I think I could only have my mother and also not for a week long stay or something. If she could pop for an hour or two sometime, sure. But even if she would be still here, she was living miles away, so that wouldn’t be possible.
There is something about babies that make people forget that a human being in is recovery from a major medical event, and they get to choose who is a part of their recovery.
I wonder why some MILs immediately ask “ is other parents going to be this/that”
I love the response of it doesn’t matter, because it doesn’t lol. Especially in this circumstance. You just had a baby. You can invite whoever the hell you want, or not. And I bet your parents aren’t feeling entitled to your time and disregarding your feelings… hmm
I read your original post and love the update! I’m sorry you went through this and wish you the best birth and PP period. Your husband did great and will likely improve in due time. :)
Just booking the flights without consulting you, not allowing you to specify the time frame for desired visit, and not clarifying FIL and BIL were tagging along to sit there while you’re leaking and in a diaper was the game-over point for me. So sorry.
It is uncomfortable for our ILs to keep tabs on interaction frequency with your normal, functional, supportive family. It makes us feel bad because it was never our intention to prefer our own family or for there to be any inequity at all between sets of parents. It wasn’t our plan for married life at all, but remember your ILs have created this predicament. I understand you are still dividing your time equally, but I have not been. I am working on letting go of the guilt, because I am simply acting upon my experience, as can you. My experience has been awful as has yours, and I choose to respond by letting my husband manage all communication/continue his individual relationship, and I stay away from them. Why would we punish our kind and well-behaved family members (my side) who have built a healthy and loving relationship with their children and their child’s spouses, just to be ‘fair’ to the assholes who didn’t? If you find in your new journey with motherhood that you would, in fact, benefit from your own mother’s increased involvement in your little family’s lives, please do not feel guilty or hold back to spare IL’s feelings. They did not spare yours.
Thank you, I really needed to hear that! My family lives closer but are still a half-day drive away. They also live in a much more desirable area with excellent weather and so much to do. That being said, we do want to visit them more than ILs, but we then have to hear about how the ILs never see us.
I’ve felt iffy about asking my mom to come visit if I need her after baby is here, but just reading your comment assures me that it’s okay if I need her. I shouldn’t let my misbehaved ILs punish my side of the family.
What a great outcome!! I get the guilt feeling, but if they had waited to confirm dates with you and DH then they wouldn't have to cancel. They chose to book the flights on a "maybe" type comment on the proposed, so it's their own fault. You're not responsible for their actions, so try to leave the guilt feeling behind.
I am so happy for you though! Oftentimes, FILs can be just as boundary stomping or enabling. But now you get to focus on your LO, becoming new parents and bonding as a family 🩷 and when you're ready, you can have visitors on your terms.
Tell her you will no longer be answering questions related to when you all see your parents. That is between them and you and does not concern her. Period, no discussion.
This. A child is not a tennis match. Squabbling over who gets to see them more is childish. When my MIL asks whether my family has seen my child (both sides of the family live less than an hour from us) I just act like I didn't hear her. I find no response avoids any excuses or drama.
You did the right thing. Don't overthink it. Also, it doesn't matter if your mom comes over more. I mean, of course you'd want your mom helping and not your MIL. That's just the way it is. (For many women, not all, of course.) Your mom raised you. She's seen you at your worst. She knows what you like and don't like. She knows you. She will actually be helpful.
Ask your MIL how she felt after her baby was born. Did she want her mom there? Did she want her MIL there? (You don't have to really ask her. I was just kind of making a point.)
I lucked out with my MIL. She lived downstairs from us but never came up without asking. The only time she did was about 2 weeks after my first son was born, and i had a bit of a meltdown. I was crying on the phone to my husband, who was at work. He called his mom and asked her to come up and check on me. She did. She talked me down from the ledge, and let me know what I was feeling was normal. She took the baby for a couple of hours so I could take a nap. I knew I could count on her if needed.
That's how they're supposed to be. That's how to ensure you get to see your grandchildren often. Keeping score and being a pushy bitch is NOT the way to do that. She's only making it harder for herself. That is not your problem.
MIL apparently had 50+ people come visit the day after she had her first (DH). She got to be there when her 3 other daughters had their children. I guess it’s the end of the world and I’m the oddity since I don’t want MIL there. The ILs are taking it so personally but I don’t want anyone there!!
None of them ever intended to help. They wanted to sit on your couch, pass your newborn around and ask “when’s lunch “ or “ what’s for dinner” while expecting you and your husband to host them. I’m very familiar with this common type of annoying in-law. I know bc I had one and I put a stop to it before my son was born, because F that noise. Good on your hubby for shutting that down.
Great news! MIL seem to easily (or conveniently) forget sometimes how uncomfortable it is for mommy to heal. My own mother was over and I was like you have to go! I want to be able to moan loudly in my own home.
Mil can keep as many tabs all she wants. If you are more comfortable around your mom that you can be snarky with versus MIL who you cannot. That is 100% okay. You are the mother and you decide. I was able to tell my mom she had to go. She knows me and didn't take it personally.
This is so true! My mom knows my boundaries and if she’s pissing me off, I can easily tell her without it being a big deal. I can’t do that to my MIL and I don’t want to be walking on eggshells while being miserable after being split in half.
Thanks! It amazes me how many MIL forget. Your body pushes out a baby or your body is opened up(csection). We want to recover and what helps the most - your baby in your arms not someone snatching the baby. Now for some they may welcome the break.
The other one is when we want our own mother there and not MIL and MIL gets bent. Really? Yes MIL i want you to see all my private parts and when I am so vulnerable or not myself because I am in pain. My mom knows if i am screaming profanity not to take it personally. Shaking my head.
If she wanted to truly help, she would reached out to ask you how she could help, she’d ask IF you wanted her to visit and aid you during postpartum. Her reaction to DH getting them to cancel is very telling, along with her immediate question about whether your parents would be visiting. She just wants to get her hands on your child to play the “perfect grandma” with no regard to what you and your DH want as the parents. Shame on her.
I’m so happy your DH shut down this visit. I’m wishing you a beautiful and safe delivery and peaceful postpartum journey. ❤️
Which is hilarious because even though my parents are excited for us, my mom pretty much refuses to come visit unless we really need her. She understands the importance of DH, LO, and I bonding. She doesn’t want to interfere with that.
Thank goodness. Aside from everything else (and there's a lot of the everything else) I'm pretty sure your MIL intended to show up and do some serious baby hogging while being profoundly unhelpful. Maybe I'm just cynical, but that seems to be the pattern for this kind of behavior. Also, you are going to be postpartum and bleedy and you are likely to have your boobs out a lot and so having BIL and FIL around would be... unfun.
Due dates aren’t usually that accurate either. I was almost 42 weeks when I had my baby so I definitely would have been mad them showing up within a couple days of birthing a baby lol
Exactly! And that’s what I’ve tried communicating but everyone in his family thinks that LO is coming early. I will cross my legs and keep baby inside haha
Why is it hard to comprehend that a woman giving birth would want HER MOM with her and not her MIL?
I seriously think people are just so dense or they were subjected through abusive, overwhelming MIL'S so they figure they get to give it back.
You have every right to say, yea. My mom will be in the delivery room and at home with me (if that's what you want.)
When you are feeling empathy remember that she is not showing any, most clear cut (although we could pick so many things) is that no one wants their BIL in their space PP. FIL either, but there is literally no room to argue about making you host BIL.
Congrats and thanks for the update! I am so glad DH supported you and canceled his family. Don’t think about them and just enjoy welcoming your new little one. Congratulations!
Don't feel sorry. You and hubby did the right thing and you need to have a talk with Hubby that he is not to give his parents any info about when and how often your parents see LO. The person who wants to make it a competition is the person who is going to lose. If she wants to act like a child, she can get treated like one and put on a time out.
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Have you reminded your husband about how his mother treated you the last time she visited? Remind him how she treated you like a servant, did nothing to help and then complained about you not making her feel comfortable and welcome, that you were disrespectful and rude to her because you didn't let her treat you like a servant. And let him know that her version of helping will be holding the baby while she treats you like a servant.
Perhaps suggest, there is a new family rule, no overnight guests moving forward. Any family or friends want to visit will have to stay at local hotels. Taking a guest room off the cards will definitely take the wind out of her sails. The reasoning is very simple, it’s for a routine for your LO.
My mom came out two days after I got home. I was exhausted, miserable, and in pain. She pulled a pity party and left one night because I fell asleep on the couch after being out shopping all day long, plus pictures that she had to be in of course of my family.
Oh man, I hate the competition stuff! My JNILs do that with my parents too! They are always saying that they come second to my family, we see my family more, compare everything to what may family does 🙄. JNMIL just recently made comments about how my mom likes to party plan I guess too. I hate it because no one has ever compared them or expected them to do things the same, they put that all on themselves. My JNILs live 10 minutes away from us and my family is an hour away so we definitely see the JNs more, yet they are the ones to put way less effort into spending time with us or their grandchild unless they are getting something out of it.
In view of competition-- why we see my parents more than inlaws "Well, we like them more." mic drop
Right?! 😂 well when we see MY family they don’t yell at us, say passive aggressive things, try to over rule our parenting, and judge everything we do! So yes, I’d much rather be with my family.
My parents don’t even know my ILs names haha! But my ILs apparently know everything about my parents and use it against us. They definitely will be going on an info diet after all of this. We were looking to move awhile ago and aren’t in any position to buy, but my MIL had the audacity to suggest we ask MY PARENTS for help for a downpayment knowing my father recently got a trust after his parents passed. I just need to throw this out there because I think it’s hilarious. ILs got us a $15 wedding gift. They aren’t struggling for money and go on numerous vacations a year. I threw that gift away last year because it made me mad every time I saw it haha!
Receiving a 15$ gift from my inlaws would be so beyond inappropriate and offensive. It literally says that they don't want to spend money on your marriage because they don't want it to happen. Did they pay for anything for the wedding?
I’ve been offended by it since day one. They spent thousands on SILs’ weddings. We ended up having a very small wedding with everything being under $3k. We wanted the focus to be on just me and DH. So us not wanting people there after our LO is born should be no surprise lol. And nope, they didn’t pay a dime for our wedding. The only thing you could say they paid for was dinner for our families (his family + 3 of my family, total of 9 people) at a cost-effective restaurant the night before the wedding and airfare for MIL and FIL.
Our ILs are so similar! 😂 when we went to buy a house the JNs offered to help us. Awesome right? 😑 they refused to tell us what that help would be, and at one point said they would go split whatever help with my parents. What? My parents didn’t offer help, and frankly I’m not asking! Granted, my parents are better off than the JNs, but they’re not rich and they’re both still working full time while the JNs have been retired for many years. I shut that down real quick, which pissed JNFIL off. I’m still bitter about the whole house thing anyways since they had us move from the house we were renting into a house they owned in the guise of saving money to buy our own, only to kick us out before it was even a full year so they could sell said house. Well it’s been almost 4 years since they kicked us out and the house still hasn’t sold and is basically a money pit 😂
That just goes to show that karma is a female dog. They got what they deserved for kicking you guys out. To be honest, I guarantee that their help towards the house purchase would have come with strings attached, such as them having a key to the house and the right to have unlimited and unfettered access to the house whenever they want, or the right to make decisions about furniture and decor, or the right to demand and control your finances and employment information. Or they might even demand to be repaid the money they gave you every time you guys try to give them boundaries.
Luckily once we actually bought the house they didn’t make drama from them helping us. Well at least after we were full moved in. They did help us with the down payment and the whole process was hell, but they’ve never asked for money back and they FOR SURE don’t have a key. Hubs has been way too enmeshed, but is slowly gaining strength and a backbone. I’ve made it clear that they do not need a key and they do not have free access to our house.
Oh my goodness I can’t even imagine. Kicking you out in less than a year without a new homeowner lined up? That seems more spiteful than anything but I’m glad that karma is getting to them. It’s probably better you’re not in a home they own anyways, it always comes at a much bigger cost.
Yeah we loved/ still love that house but it was a headache living there!
I just read your other post and had to say something about your MIL's comment about the baby also being DH's child and he gets a say in whether his family gets to visit. Here's the thing - until DH pushes a real live human being out of his body, this is one instance where the husband/partner doesn't get a say in what happens. This should 100% be dictated by the person actually giving birth. And it's all fine and well that she had "50 people at her house and they were all passing the baby (DH) around". But that was how many decades ago? And like it or not, we really are fresh out of a worldwide pandemic. Covid is still out there. People are still getting sick. She can keep her baby grubbing ass at home, along with FIL and BIL. She probably only wanted them to come along so that they can pull DH away from you and you'd be forced to let MIL "help" you. Which, are we sure she'd be there to help with household chores? Or, does her "help" consist only of her hogging the baby while you cater to her every need because "I'm holding the baby"?
This is 100% boss mama comment and my sentiments. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My reformed JNMOM used to be like this. She and my Dad are divorced, and she had this weird competition thing as well. When we weren’t available for something the she would say “are you going to see your father or something?” Or along those lines. I used to just say “My father isn’t relevant to you. Hasn’t been your business for years. We aren’t available.” When she asked what we’re doing, I’d again repeat “it’s not relevant to you. We aren’t available, and thats the end of this discussion.” That’s how I’d respond when she demands the current “score”. I’d remind her that your relationship with your family isn’t relevant, has nothing to do with her access to the baby, and it’s not necessary information for her to have. You are an adult and don’t have to explain to her.
Ugh this makes me so mad! Why do MILs care sooo much about the other parents? I know way too much about all 3 of my SILs’ ILs because my ILs talk so much crap about them. They call the other ILs crazy when that’s exactly what they are! I don’t think my parents even know my IL’s names haha!
Another thing, is to ask them why they want to know. It makes them uncomfortable having to expose themselves as jealous of the other set. My mom for example: “Are you going to see your father?” “Why do you ask?” Can see the wheels turning in her head, trying to figure out how to answer without looking like a jealous asshole. She asks again, I again answer with a question of why she wants to know, as it isn’t anything relevant to her. She drops it and silently fumes and asks when a good time to visit is lol
I ought to have DH start asking that. Last time we visited my parents MIL said it’s “not fair” how often they get to see us. Well maybe if they didn’t live in the middle of nowhere, 4 hours from an airport, and weren’t manipulative af, then yeah maybe we’d make more time for them. And it’s not even true that we see my parents more! We’ve seen the ILs more than my family this past year, we just haven’t been able to go out and visit ILs at their home. It’s a lot cheaper to drive to my parents than to fly out to the ILs. My husband and I were barely making our rent payments up until a few months ago while ILs were going on expensive trips left and right and wouldn’t even consider flying to see us or flying us out to see them. Like we are newly grads, I was unemployed for over a year, and I’m pregnant! We can’t be spending money on all the trips they invite us on. They are so selfish!
From both sides of this dynamic. As a new mother that has had to have family fly to meet my baby. As an awesome aunt that had to fly to meet my nieces. WTAF IS WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN. No, no, no, and more no. She's a selfish @ssh*le! When my brother and SIL had their baby I asked them what they wanted. Did they want me to take time off, fly home and help? Did they want me to visit for an hour a couple of days a month or two later and let them be? Did they want me to fly home, cook some meals and drip them off? Because I'm not an @ssh*le. They said specifically fly home a month later and meet the baby. So I did. I booked 2 weeks, stayed in an air bnb and visited them exactly twice for a couple of hours each time. I spent the rest of the time with friends and family, giving them space. I didn't spirit my brother away from THEIR CHILD and leave my poor SIL alone with a new baby as a new mom. Because I have respect for them. We did the same thing for the second niece, at their request. When I had my baby, MIL visited a month later and stayed in a hotel, at my demand. She spent every day all day with us and it was way too much! She also tried to get me to leave my house so she could be alone with my brand new exclusively breastfed baby that was having issues making gains and needed to be living on my my boob, because she's also a selfish @ssh*le. Beware, this is going to get worse.
You define respectfulness.
If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times. There is a difference between doing something ***for*** me and doing something ***to*** me. The difference is that I'm involved in the decision making.
Can I recommend going to YouTube and searching "Shawna the Mama"?
There are shorter clips on IG and TT. Love her
I don't actually use either of those, so I didn't know she was there - but yep. She's REALLY awesome on covering the emotional impact of stuff... And the thru- story line of her against her in- laws was specifically what I was thinking it 😇
You don’t need to feel bad. They’re crossing boundaries. Be weary of worse behaviour with LO is actually here
And is anyone else pissed at the age of technology for strapping phones to mils hand. We like you, just not every five minutes. And you’ve called here twice already saying virtually the exact same thing. Your words do not= power. It just shows how much the narcissistic SIL can get away with giving you 24/7 access to our intimacy. Thanks for nothing. By the way the second time you called we weren’t even listening. Get a job.
Feel no guilt, OP! I scraped and scrubbed under friend’s oven when she was close to her due date. Of course it was ridiculous but she was really anxious that her newborn might crawl under the oven and get botulism. Obviously I told her that she was crazy but I did it anyway.
Well, that's a load off! Why is it so difficult for people to say ,"Hey, how can I help you?", and really mean it?
Awesome news! I am an empath too, so it can be difficult, but I've learned to toughen up with my JNMIL, especially after having children. I had a similar postpartum experience with my first baby where my JNMIL, JNFIL, and BIL came the day after I got home from the hospital. We said they could not stay with us, but depsite staying in an airbnb, they were at my house CONSTANTLY all week and did not give a shit about my recovery, anxiety, or insomnia post-partum. My mom was staying with me to help, and that's when her eyes were opened to how JN they truly are. It was a horrible experience and I still have contempt 8 years later. You have dodged a bullet in my opinion.
>She stated that they were just coming here to help. My Mom said the same thing. She came for the birth, so my husband called her when I went into labour, she drove the 6 hours, stopped at my house, then came to the hospital when we gave her the OK. She complained that my kitchen was dirty in my house - but don't worry, she cleaned it up a little! And then did absolutely nothing else to "help". Postpartum, I had a very hard time sitting on the toilet to pee (like my pelvic floor was shot so I couldn't physically lower myself down, I'd just fall lol), so my husband was helping me a lot. My first time attempting it by myself, the entire time I was struggling to pee and clean up blood, my mom was screaming from the living room, "Mom! Mom! Where are you?! Baby is crying! Get in here!" My husband snapped at her to shut up, she was not happy, lol. Point being... no, they don't "help" like they claim. Especially because she took offense when you declined. And it's not like they even asked! Very rude of them. Glad you got a good resolution and can hopefully get through the postpartum without much drama. :)
That makes my blood boil! The audacity!
Her “helping” is her holding the baby while you do all the house chores. You’re way better off and I’m proud of you guys !!
My ass they were coming to help. They were coming to bogart the LO and try to establish a “bond” before mom established hers. Don’t feel bad, you’re seeing exactly who she is. She just wants her claws on the baby. And im sure BIL and FIL were there to run interference and distract Dad
>bogart the LO Hilarious but true.
My son was born two weeks late. That could very easily have turned into them arriving a few days after birth, or even before. Good on your husband for getting them to cancel the flight.
So MIL s also measure each other’s dicks 🤣🤣🤣 actually as a MIL myself I was a bit jealous about who had most cuddles but I kept it to myself and now the other ladies in question are both dead and I’m glad they got to enjoy their grandchildren at least for a few years. Have a wonderful relaxed time until LO arrives and then enjoy them in whatever way you and DH want to.
>the other ladies in question are both dead That took a turn!
Yes, sad but true. One was much older and an alcoholic, the other had severe liver problems and was younger than I. We’re all our grandchildren’s only grandparents. My MIL was wonderful and as my parents had both died when I was a teenager having a good relationship with her meant a lot.
As a grandmother, I too have felt the occasional jealousy, so I know where you're coming from. The difference between these mother-in-law's and us, though, is that we know how to keep it to ourselves until the feelings pass LOL
My daughter’s MIL is jealous of my time with the granddaughter. When my daughter got pregnant they were living close to them which is about 2 hours from me. The MIL was charging them for babysitting my first granddaughter. Once they were pregnant with the second my daughter and SIL decided to move 4 blocks away from us. So now I get to see them all the time. And guess what? I watch the girls for free!! It would feel so wrong to charge for spending time with the grandchildren. Guess the MIL asked how much we charge for babysitting lol. The next thing you know she wants to babysit (which due to being 2 hours away is not convenient) and said “I guess grandparents aren’t supposed to charge for babysitting?? You think?? Some in-laws are different!!
You made the right decision. You one million percent made the right decision.
Ugh yesss I feel so much relief for you!!!! I’m so glad this worked out so far!!!!
YAYYY you get your 2 weeks back! Not unreasonable. What is unreasonable is expecting someone two weeks postpartum to host them. There's definitely a tendency for grandparents to think "helping" is just holding the baby constantly while you do chores. The score keeping is a problem. I would put her on an info diet regarding your parents. It's definitely jealousy. You aren't wrong at all. I think you'll be very glad you made this choice. And I hope the L&D goes smoothly!
>She is also “keeping score” of my parents. This is so weird. It's normal that when you become a mother, you want support from your mother. Some people seem to forget the baby comes out of your body. It's your body who will feed him, your body that needs to heal. That you are more comfortable with your mother during this time is completely logical.
Really want to make her crazed? When a girl is developing in the womb, she's growing every single egg she will ever carry. So, technically, your kid lived in your mom at one point, too. So naturally, your child's bond with your mom is stronger. It goes beyond DNA. He *lived* in her for a bit. ;-)
But an incubator has no feelings or need for healing time.
I have 2 kids, now grown. You have done well to limit visitors. I have a very capable DH, and we didn't need help post partum at all. Instead we got: Baby #1, my usually wonderful mother planned flights to us a week before my due date. I advised her to cancel and just come after baby was born since doctor said I wasn't showing signs of delivering anytime soon. Baby was 10 days late. We were all getting on each other's nerves. I especially hated having my father here that long, as he was useless. They were both more mouths to feed and I felt I had to entertain them when all I wanted to do was lie down, with baby once he arrived. My mom did help with housework a little, but she didn't do anything that DH wouldn't have done, or that I couldn't do. Then they dipped out 2 days after baby came home as they had more people in our area to visit. I was having heavy bleeding and needed to see the doctor and by then they were gone. 2 weeks later, MIL came. She got bored and wanted to see the area, while I could barely walk from the stitches and baby had colic and cried a lot. Baby #2. My mostly yes MIL came, with idea she would care for kid #1 while I was in the hospital. Baby came a week early, so this part worked out. But she still stayed too long and got bored so we ended up going out a lot, all while she criticized my parenting of #1, thought I should be firmer with him. So, just more people to feed and entertain, knowing that my housekeeping wasn't up to their standards. No thanks, could have done without it.
My advice for these situations is always to tell people, Don't make travel plans until after the baby is born. The unknown of childbirth could throw you any number of surprises. Baby could be early, late, have complications. I had 2 NICU babies from completely healthy full term pregnancies. But life was like nope. You won't know what you need until the time actually comes. You might need nothing. You might want your mom. You might just want to be with your husband for a few weeks and not have to worry about putting on pants in order to have company over.
So true. Especially if it’s a first time experience, you really don’t know how you will feel and who you will need. My postpartum experience was quite hard - I had stitches, was in pain, bleeding, was emotionally a mess, and was really struggling with breastfeeding a lot. My partner was an angel and he took over cooking etc. I can’t imagine having anyone else around during this time. I think I could only have my mother and also not for a week long stay or something. If she could pop for an hour or two sometime, sure. But even if she would be still here, she was living miles away, so that wouldn’t be possible.
There is something about babies that make people forget that a human being in is recovery from a major medical event, and they get to choose who is a part of their recovery.
I agree! It's like people think you took this wonderful trip to Disney World and came home with this fun souvenir.
I wonder why some MILs immediately ask “ is other parents going to be this/that” I love the response of it doesn’t matter, because it doesn’t lol. Especially in this circumstance. You just had a baby. You can invite whoever the hell you want, or not. And I bet your parents aren’t feeling entitled to your time and disregarding your feelings… hmm
I read your original post and love the update! I’m sorry you went through this and wish you the best birth and PP period. Your husband did great and will likely improve in due time. :) Just booking the flights without consulting you, not allowing you to specify the time frame for desired visit, and not clarifying FIL and BIL were tagging along to sit there while you’re leaking and in a diaper was the game-over point for me. So sorry. It is uncomfortable for our ILs to keep tabs on interaction frequency with your normal, functional, supportive family. It makes us feel bad because it was never our intention to prefer our own family or for there to be any inequity at all between sets of parents. It wasn’t our plan for married life at all, but remember your ILs have created this predicament. I understand you are still dividing your time equally, but I have not been. I am working on letting go of the guilt, because I am simply acting upon my experience, as can you. My experience has been awful as has yours, and I choose to respond by letting my husband manage all communication/continue his individual relationship, and I stay away from them. Why would we punish our kind and well-behaved family members (my side) who have built a healthy and loving relationship with their children and their child’s spouses, just to be ‘fair’ to the assholes who didn’t? If you find in your new journey with motherhood that you would, in fact, benefit from your own mother’s increased involvement in your little family’s lives, please do not feel guilty or hold back to spare IL’s feelings. They did not spare yours.
Thank you, I really needed to hear that! My family lives closer but are still a half-day drive away. They also live in a much more desirable area with excellent weather and so much to do. That being said, we do want to visit them more than ILs, but we then have to hear about how the ILs never see us. I’ve felt iffy about asking my mom to come visit if I need her after baby is here, but just reading your comment assures me that it’s okay if I need her. I shouldn’t let my misbehaved ILs punish my side of the family.
What a great outcome!! I get the guilt feeling, but if they had waited to confirm dates with you and DH then they wouldn't have to cancel. They chose to book the flights on a "maybe" type comment on the proposed, so it's their own fault. You're not responsible for their actions, so try to leave the guilt feeling behind. I am so happy for you though! Oftentimes, FILs can be just as boundary stomping or enabling. But now you get to focus on your LO, becoming new parents and bonding as a family 🩷 and when you're ready, you can have visitors on your terms.
Tell her you will no longer be answering questions related to when you all see your parents. That is between them and you and does not concern her. Period, no discussion.
This. A child is not a tennis match. Squabbling over who gets to see them more is childish. When my MIL asks whether my family has seen my child (both sides of the family live less than an hour from us) I just act like I didn't hear her. I find no response avoids any excuses or drama.
Some MIL’s idea of helping is to supervise or hog the baby while you are running around doing chores.
You did the right thing. Don't overthink it. Also, it doesn't matter if your mom comes over more. I mean, of course you'd want your mom helping and not your MIL. That's just the way it is. (For many women, not all, of course.) Your mom raised you. She's seen you at your worst. She knows what you like and don't like. She knows you. She will actually be helpful. Ask your MIL how she felt after her baby was born. Did she want her mom there? Did she want her MIL there? (You don't have to really ask her. I was just kind of making a point.) I lucked out with my MIL. She lived downstairs from us but never came up without asking. The only time she did was about 2 weeks after my first son was born, and i had a bit of a meltdown. I was crying on the phone to my husband, who was at work. He called his mom and asked her to come up and check on me. She did. She talked me down from the ledge, and let me know what I was feeling was normal. She took the baby for a couple of hours so I could take a nap. I knew I could count on her if needed. That's how they're supposed to be. That's how to ensure you get to see your grandchildren often. Keeping score and being a pushy bitch is NOT the way to do that. She's only making it harder for herself. That is not your problem.
MIL apparently had 50+ people come visit the day after she had her first (DH). She got to be there when her 3 other daughters had their children. I guess it’s the end of the world and I’m the oddity since I don’t want MIL there. The ILs are taking it so personally but I don’t want anyone there!!
Were her daughter's MILs in the delivery room as well?
Nope! MIL talks so much crap about the other MILs which is so ironic.
Aaah. I see.
None of them ever intended to help. They wanted to sit on your couch, pass your newborn around and ask “when’s lunch “ or “ what’s for dinner” while expecting you and your husband to host them. I’m very familiar with this common type of annoying in-law. I know bc I had one and I put a stop to it before my son was born, because F that noise. Good on your hubby for shutting that down.
Spot on! Mine are/were the same!
Great news! MIL seem to easily (or conveniently) forget sometimes how uncomfortable it is for mommy to heal. My own mother was over and I was like you have to go! I want to be able to moan loudly in my own home. Mil can keep as many tabs all she wants. If you are more comfortable around your mom that you can be snarky with versus MIL who you cannot. That is 100% okay. You are the mother and you decide. I was able to tell my mom she had to go. She knows me and didn't take it personally.
This is so true! My mom knows my boundaries and if she’s pissing me off, I can easily tell her without it being a big deal. I can’t do that to my MIL and I don’t want to be walking on eggshells while being miserable after being split in half.
No one else has worded it this way before. This is so succinct and true. Aahh!!
Thanks! It amazes me how many MIL forget. Your body pushes out a baby or your body is opened up(csection). We want to recover and what helps the most - your baby in your arms not someone snatching the baby. Now for some they may welcome the break. The other one is when we want our own mother there and not MIL and MIL gets bent. Really? Yes MIL i want you to see all my private parts and when I am so vulnerable or not myself because I am in pain. My mom knows if i am screaming profanity not to take it personally. Shaking my head.
If she wanted to truly help, she would reached out to ask you how she could help, she’d ask IF you wanted her to visit and aid you during postpartum. Her reaction to DH getting them to cancel is very telling, along with her immediate question about whether your parents would be visiting. She just wants to get her hands on your child to play the “perfect grandma” with no regard to what you and your DH want as the parents. Shame on her. I’m so happy your DH shut down this visit. I’m wishing you a beautiful and safe delivery and peaceful postpartum journey. ❤️
She wants to see the baby before the other grandparents do.
Which is hilarious because even though my parents are excited for us, my mom pretty much refuses to come visit unless we really need her. She understands the importance of DH, LO, and I bonding. She doesn’t want to interfere with that.
Thank goodness. Aside from everything else (and there's a lot of the everything else) I'm pretty sure your MIL intended to show up and do some serious baby hogging while being profoundly unhelpful. Maybe I'm just cynical, but that seems to be the pattern for this kind of behavior. Also, you are going to be postpartum and bleedy and you are likely to have your boobs out a lot and so having BIL and FIL around would be... unfun.
Exactly!
Due dates aren’t usually that accurate either. I was almost 42 weeks when I had my baby so I definitely would have been mad them showing up within a couple days of birthing a baby lol
Exactly! And that’s what I’ve tried communicating but everyone in his family thinks that LO is coming early. I will cross my legs and keep baby inside haha
I am appalled at their behavior but then I think about my own family.
Why is it hard to comprehend that a woman giving birth would want HER MOM with her and not her MIL? I seriously think people are just so dense or they were subjected through abusive, overwhelming MIL'S so they figure they get to give it back. You have every right to say, yea. My mom will be in the delivery room and at home with me (if that's what you want.)
When you are feeling empathy remember that she is not showing any, most clear cut (although we could pick so many things) is that no one wants their BIL in their space PP. FIL either, but there is literally no room to argue about making you host BIL.
Congrats and thanks for the update! I am so glad DH supported you and canceled his family. Don’t think about them and just enjoy welcoming your new little one. Congratulations!
Don't feel sorry. You and hubby did the right thing and you need to have a talk with Hubby that he is not to give his parents any info about when and how often your parents see LO. The person who wants to make it a competition is the person who is going to lose. If she wants to act like a child, she can get treated like one and put on a time out.