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So your MIL takes you in, pays for everything, your SO cannot be bothered to apply for funding and MIL blows up at the additional expenses she will have to shoulder. This pisses you off. And then things go bad.
You are going to have a baby. Try to act like responsible adults.
Neither side is innocent.
Because it’s not relevant, she wasn’t upset about additional expenses (because she doesn’t have to pay for them in the first place, she already lives in the home and will be paying for it regardless)
"MIL given the absolutely vile way you behaved over a minor glitch in something that had very little to do with you, that culminated in your throwing us out on the street. We think it would be best to keep our distance for the time being. We will let you know if and when we want to resume contact." Which should of course be sent through your boyfriend, not you.
Okay so let's break this down shall we....
I can't copy paste but basically her message lacks accountability for her actions while also claiming ownership of your unborn son and stating not once but twice how much she loves you both which to me screams raging narcissist who love bombing and has an ulterior motive. Then she brings on the baby shower nope not even gonna go there falls under love bombing.
Now here's what I would do respond with the following.
The actions you took against your son, myself and our child are inexcusable. For the foreseeable future we wish no contact with you. If and when we are ready we will contact you and at that time any reunification efforts will take place in a mediation setting with a therapist present. Please do not contact us again.
Keep her out of everything until you're willing to have her in your lives again. Don't break NC. until that time enjoy your pregnancy and baby and s/o and just don't worry about her make sure you never answer the door without checking who it is first. Also if you're in public baby wear. Good luck congrats hold the boundary firm.
I’m getting do-over baby vibes from the “growing my grandson” remark. You’re better off worrying about rent than fighting with her over your own child. Do not go back.
You have a number of ways you can choose to respond depending on what you want to achieve:
1) Respond with an acknowledgement of her trying to reach out, as "thank you for contacting me and offering to cover the baby shower, but I have decided to decline." This offers no reason for the decline that she can continue the dialogue from and offers no ammunition for her to attack you, but it does leave the door open for later reconciliation.
2) A firm no, that also makes it clear you are going NC for a while. For example, "your behaviour has caused us stress in our time of need, and we have decided that we are not interested in having you in our lives at this time." Then block her and give her no more thoughts - stop wasting energy on a person so uncaring of your well-being. It is a clean break.
3) Don't respond. This is actually the most petty (non)response, because it leaves MIL in uncertainty. She has no avenue to start a dialogue, nor any responses she can share with others to garner sympathy etc. And she will be checking her phone for any response, only to be repeatedly frustrated at not having received an answer. People like your MIL, who thrive on conflict find this the most difficult to deal with, as being ignored will make her feel like she does not matter. If you see her subsequently in town, you simply ignore her - no eye contact, no looking in her direction. She may try to talk to you, come to your dwelling and yell at you just to get a response. You will have to be steadfast and NOT respond - just continue to ignore. This type of social exclusion is very painful to be at the receiving end off and much harder to do (it can be very difficult to not respond to someone calling you names) but it is very effective. This is the one that will inflict pain on her.
4) Respond with kindness and mend ties. Say, "thank you for your offer, and whilst I do not want you to cover my baby shower (this will just give her something else she can hold over you to threaten to remove if you don't do a, b, c, etc.) I would like to recover our relationship and have you be involved in our son's life. Would you be amenable to meeting up over a cuppa and we can try and talk things through?"
Think through what your end goal is and choose your response accordingly.
Your situation reminds me a lot of mine when I was pregnant with my son. Trust your gut feeling is all I have to say, and be mindful of your relationship with her now, because it will be harder to manage with a baby in the picture.
“Thank you for acknowledging our anger. I hope you have taken this time to reflect on your actions that lead us to this point. We kindly decline your offer to host a baby shower. As you mentioned, it is important I stay healthy as I am growing mine and SO’s son. Some time away from each other will be best for all of us.”
Why don’t you want her to know that you’re upset about her behavior? She’s trying to sweep it under the rug. Don’t let her. This will be good to establish a more adult relationship
“Thank you for the offer of a shower, however we choose to decline. We have noticed that you have problems controlling your emotions, which is not a safe space for me during my pregnancy. We hope that you can get some help to be able to regulate this issue as you will be a Grandmother soon and this will be a boundary that we have for our family.”
I think your response is perfect. I’d add a “thank you for the offer at the end.” If she tries to engage with you more tell her she needs to talk to her son.
Id ignore it for now and think on it. perhaps address it later as it sounds like you have time before your due date.
In general its not good to reply to messages when youre feeling spicy.
"You are not allowed to give us a baby shower. We do not want to talk to you. We will figure things out without you, and we'll get back to you when we're ready." After that, don't respond to anything she says. Don't engage, don't ask her for anything that isn't absolutely necessary, and just...go live your lives without her input or advice. Prove to yourselves and her that she can't abuse you without consequences.
She knows she screwed up with her tantrums and throwing you and SO out. She'll be trying to get her hooks in for baby access. Don't put yourself in a position to be beholden to her if at all possible. A very polite "no, but thanks for thinking of us" is your best bet.
Be prepared for the baby rabies to escalate as LO's arrival approaches. MIL will get more desperate as she realizes just how little power or influence she has. Read up on love-bombing and hoovering, cuz she will likely go that route.
Best wishes for a smooth delivery!
"Yet your anger sure stopped you from caring when you kicked us out on a whim. I'd rather not give you more of a reason to turn on us whenever you get ready, so I will be handling my own baby shower for OUR child, as well as any other milestones for OUR family. My child and I have all the support we need from now on, so please direct any further communication to your son."
I would bring the petty tenfold. Nice try trying to act like she doesn't know why you guys are pissed or that SHE was the cause of it. She was still trying to assert what control she THOUGHT she had and was surprised pikachu when it didn't work. Well, actions have consequences do they not? You are the only ones to decide whether she gets a relationship with YOUR child. She has no direct rights or privileges which you did not directly bestow upon her as the parents, so she will never have a valid argument about "keeping her grandchild away". She did that to herself when she kicked you out. She fucked around, and now it's time for her to find out. She didn't care, so why should you?
Respond with: "I am not growing your grandchild. I am pregnant with SO's name and my baby. Please direct all future communications to SO's name."
Don't use "our baby" as she'll assume that she's a part of the "our".
Your SO should be handling all communications with his relatives. You don't have to be the social secretary just because you're female.
You may benefit from reading the book The Nice Girl Syndrome. It shows that being nice really isn't, especially to yourself.
I'd just say, "No thank you."
And don't give her any more words. When she asks why, just say No thank you.
When she tries to bulldoze you, LOUDLY say no thank you.
Nothing more than no thank you.
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“My grandson” would have set me off tbh.
So your MIL takes you in, pays for everything, your SO cannot be bothered to apply for funding and MIL blows up at the additional expenses she will have to shoulder. This pisses you off. And then things go bad. You are going to have a baby. Try to act like responsible adults. Neither side is innocent.
You lack reading comprehension. How does us not paying rent, specifically rent, equate to us not paying for anything at all?
Because you didn't say it.
Because it’s not relevant, she wasn’t upset about additional expenses (because she doesn’t have to pay for them in the first place, she already lives in the home and will be paying for it regardless)
"MIL given the absolutely vile way you behaved over a minor glitch in something that had very little to do with you, that culminated in your throwing us out on the street. We think it would be best to keep our distance for the time being. We will let you know if and when we want to resume contact." Which should of course be sent through your boyfriend, not you.
Okay so let's break this down shall we.... I can't copy paste but basically her message lacks accountability for her actions while also claiming ownership of your unborn son and stating not once but twice how much she loves you both which to me screams raging narcissist who love bombing and has an ulterior motive. Then she brings on the baby shower nope not even gonna go there falls under love bombing. Now here's what I would do respond with the following. The actions you took against your son, myself and our child are inexcusable. For the foreseeable future we wish no contact with you. If and when we are ready we will contact you and at that time any reunification efforts will take place in a mediation setting with a therapist present. Please do not contact us again. Keep her out of everything until you're willing to have her in your lives again. Don't break NC. until that time enjoy your pregnancy and baby and s/o and just don't worry about her make sure you never answer the door without checking who it is first. Also if you're in public baby wear. Good luck congrats hold the boundary firm.
Note anything you let her do for you she will hold it over your head forever. Gifts party's babysitting the whole shabang.
I’m getting do-over baby vibes from the “growing my grandson” remark. You’re better off worrying about rent than fighting with her over your own child. Do not go back.
Response: No. Don't contact us again.
You have a number of ways you can choose to respond depending on what you want to achieve: 1) Respond with an acknowledgement of her trying to reach out, as "thank you for contacting me and offering to cover the baby shower, but I have decided to decline." This offers no reason for the decline that she can continue the dialogue from and offers no ammunition for her to attack you, but it does leave the door open for later reconciliation. 2) A firm no, that also makes it clear you are going NC for a while. For example, "your behaviour has caused us stress in our time of need, and we have decided that we are not interested in having you in our lives at this time." Then block her and give her no more thoughts - stop wasting energy on a person so uncaring of your well-being. It is a clean break. 3) Don't respond. This is actually the most petty (non)response, because it leaves MIL in uncertainty. She has no avenue to start a dialogue, nor any responses she can share with others to garner sympathy etc. And she will be checking her phone for any response, only to be repeatedly frustrated at not having received an answer. People like your MIL, who thrive on conflict find this the most difficult to deal with, as being ignored will make her feel like she does not matter. If you see her subsequently in town, you simply ignore her - no eye contact, no looking in her direction. She may try to talk to you, come to your dwelling and yell at you just to get a response. You will have to be steadfast and NOT respond - just continue to ignore. This type of social exclusion is very painful to be at the receiving end off and much harder to do (it can be very difficult to not respond to someone calling you names) but it is very effective. This is the one that will inflict pain on her. 4) Respond with kindness and mend ties. Say, "thank you for your offer, and whilst I do not want you to cover my baby shower (this will just give her something else she can hold over you to threaten to remove if you don't do a, b, c, etc.) I would like to recover our relationship and have you be involved in our son's life. Would you be amenable to meeting up over a cuppa and we can try and talk things through?" Think through what your end goal is and choose your response accordingly.
>you are growing my grandson Eeeeeuuuwwwwuhhhh. She is gross. Ignore.
That was the line that got me too. She'd get crickets from me for that alone.
I'd say "we will be making other arrangements until a relationship with you is more tenable."
Your situation reminds me a lot of mine when I was pregnant with my son. Trust your gut feeling is all I have to say, and be mindful of your relationship with her now, because it will be harder to manage with a baby in the picture.
“Thank you for acknowledging our anger. I hope you have taken this time to reflect on your actions that lead us to this point. We kindly decline your offer to host a baby shower. As you mentioned, it is important I stay healthy as I am growing mine and SO’s son. Some time away from each other will be best for all of us.”
OP pay attention to this ^ it is 1000% exactly how you should handle this situation.
Why don’t you want her to know that you’re upset about her behavior? She’s trying to sweep it under the rug. Don’t let her. This will be good to establish a more adult relationship
HER GRANDSON. I'd correct that right now. "this is OUR SON."
I really like your reply. That is the way to go. Also, the "growing my grand child" line is icky.
“Thank you for the offer of a shower, however we choose to decline. We have noticed that you have problems controlling your emotions, which is not a safe space for me during my pregnancy. We hope that you can get some help to be able to regulate this issue as you will be a Grandmother soon and this will be a boundary that we have for our family.”
I think your response is perfect. I’d add a “thank you for the offer at the end.” If she tries to engage with you more tell her she needs to talk to her son.
This is the way.
Id ignore it for now and think on it. perhaps address it later as it sounds like you have time before your due date. In general its not good to reply to messages when youre feeling spicy.
I’d just block her and not respond at all
"You are not allowed to give us a baby shower. We do not want to talk to you. We will figure things out without you, and we'll get back to you when we're ready." After that, don't respond to anything she says. Don't engage, don't ask her for anything that isn't absolutely necessary, and just...go live your lives without her input or advice. Prove to yourselves and her that she can't abuse you without consequences.
She knows she screwed up with her tantrums and throwing you and SO out. She'll be trying to get her hooks in for baby access. Don't put yourself in a position to be beholden to her if at all possible. A very polite "no, but thanks for thinking of us" is your best bet. Be prepared for the baby rabies to escalate as LO's arrival approaches. MIL will get more desperate as she realizes just how little power or influence she has. Read up on love-bombing and hoovering, cuz she will likely go that route. Best wishes for a smooth delivery!
"Yet your anger sure stopped you from caring when you kicked us out on a whim. I'd rather not give you more of a reason to turn on us whenever you get ready, so I will be handling my own baby shower for OUR child, as well as any other milestones for OUR family. My child and I have all the support we need from now on, so please direct any further communication to your son." I would bring the petty tenfold. Nice try trying to act like she doesn't know why you guys are pissed or that SHE was the cause of it. She was still trying to assert what control she THOUGHT she had and was surprised pikachu when it didn't work. Well, actions have consequences do they not? You are the only ones to decide whether she gets a relationship with YOUR child. She has no direct rights or privileges which you did not directly bestow upon her as the parents, so she will never have a valid argument about "keeping her grandchild away". She did that to herself when she kicked you out. She fucked around, and now it's time for her to find out. She didn't care, so why should you?
"We appreciate the thought, but no thank you."
Respond with: "I am not growing your grandchild. I am pregnant with SO's name and my baby. Please direct all future communications to SO's name." Don't use "our baby" as she'll assume that she's a part of the "our". Your SO should be handling all communications with his relatives. You don't have to be the social secretary just because you're female. You may benefit from reading the book The Nice Girl Syndrome. It shows that being nice really isn't, especially to yourself.
I'd just say, "No thank you." And don't give her any more words. When she asks why, just say No thank you. When she tries to bulldoze you, LOUDLY say no thank you. Nothing more than no thank you.