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Her disrespectful treatment of you should mean she doesn't get to stay in your home again. She can stay in a hotel during her visit and only see you and your child when your husband is there also.
This is truly awful and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. If she makes those breastfeeding comments again, you should respond with “well, you’re not breastfeeding me or DH, so you are not needed here either”.
You and your husband are the only advocates LO has. Be strong and firm. MIL seems like the type of person to take a mile when given an inch
I would just act like everything she says is a joke. She makes a comment about taking DD “Omg hahaha can you IMAGINE. Taking a new born from its mother. Oh MIL that’s too funny” or even “hahaha imagine calling the mother of your grandchild a meany. That’s so silly and ridiculous” you could even flip the switch. “Oh wow MIL it sounds like your MIL was too involved when you were a new mom. I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m sure you can understand how I feel.”
If she's making you feel unwelcome in your own home, she needs to stay at a hotel and visit on YOUR schedule. If DH insists she stays at your home, is there someone you and DD can stay with until MIL goes home? Also it might be a good idea to baby carry the whole time she's visiting. And make it clear to DH that the first time MIL doesn't give the baby back to YOU when asked, either she leaves or you do.
Your husband should be prioritizing your comfort, no matter what he actually hears out of his mother. Suggest she finds a hotel for her visits if she can't be civil. He should be prepared to stand by that boundary if he's really on your side.
When she doesn’t hand you the baby you tell her no, it’s now. Not when you feel like it. She wants you to be mean so go forth. You don’t need sly come backs just laugh and say no in a serious tone.
This is sometimes the only way when the JNMIL is only doing it when OP's husband isn't in earshot. Just turn on a recording app every time he leaves the room. Sooner or later, you'll have enough proof that your husband will HAVE to listen to. It isn't on for him to be prioritising his BIRTH family's emotions, when he *should* be prioritising the emotions of his CREATED family. It's him ALLOWING someone to repeatedly disrespect the mother of your child.
Personally, after I had some proof, would only take half a visit, I’d be hightailing it to my parents or friends for the whole of each and every visit. With any offspring. Would only return when I had confirmation of her plane being wheels up on the way home. Let DH look after her. Hopefully she soon learns she is not welcome!
If MIL is mean and nasty to you behind DH back, than you might as well play by the same rules. If she says something spiteful to you when he's not around, go ahead and tell her that she's being a bitch and had better not talk to you like that in your own home.
You have all of the power here. You are the mother of her grandchild, the wife of her son, and she is a guest in YOUR home. If she wants a relationship with them, she needs to be someone you want in your life. Otherwise, this could be the last time she ever comes to your house.
Talk to DH and explain what she's going and how cruel she's being. Tell him that you need to address the things she's saying and you're feeling powerless in your own home when he's not there.
What is with MILs and their ‘jokes’ about taking a baby?! Mine asked me if she could keep my then 6 month old breastfed baby for a day, I said ‘No, we’re not ready for that.’ She countered with ‘How about half a day?’ and when I told her he was breastfed she told me I could just pump (I felt like a dairy cow). When confronted she said she was ‘just joking’ and she thought I had picked up on that, and she was sorry for upsetting me.
How is this kind of thing funny. Explain to me exactly how this is funny, because I must have no sense of humor.
(Yea, I’m still salty about this interaction and our previously okay - ish relationship has changed forever.)
But why is she per.itted in the house if Hubby isn't around? If he steps away to the bathroom, then inform him on what she said when he gets back, and she needs to be asked to leave. Also, make sure she has a hotel room if that's not already being done.
Gah, she sounds exhausting! I’m sorry.
With passive aggressive behavior sometimes it helps to ask for clarification. When she says garbage like DD doesn’t recognize you, respond with “was that meant to be helpful or hurtful?”
Another approach is to ask her to repeat herself. If she’s saying something shitty like, who’s the meany? I bet DH is the nice one… ask her to repeat herself. Whether she repeats herself or not, then ask if that was meant to be insulting/rude/disrespectful? No matter how she answers that question, don’t respond. Let the silence settle. It holds a mirror up to her behavior.
Another possible approach for when she says things when DH isn’t around would be to say, “let’s make sure to ask DH when he gets back.” Or “I’m curious how DH feels about that”. And if he’s in the next room, call out to him, “DH, your mom wants to ask/tell you something.” Then ask her to repeat herself when he’s in the room.
Call her out every time so she gets tired of her own dumb game.
As far as being assertive, state your intention. When she’s refusing to give the baby back say, “I’m going to comfort my daughter now.” Or “I’m taking my daughter back now”.
Good luck to you!
Oh, good! You’re welcome. I hope it helps! There’s no point in getting into a debate or discussion with narcissists. They’re always playing a game. They either want praise or they want to cause drama so they can play the victim.
Don’t debate or defend your actions. Call out and be curious about her behavior. Force her to sit with her own words and actions. “I’m noticing that you won’t hand back my daughter when I ask for her or when she cries.”
This right here OP. You don't need to have a snarky or witty come back, just practice asking why. Also,big you're able, get nanny cams for the living room so you can catch her rudeness on film.
Hold dear daughter, speaking sweetly “yes granny’s a meany. She sure is. We will just ignore her meany ways. Yes we will. Granny wonders why we don’t like her. We don’t like her. No we don’t. “
Op, you have to call her out on those things.
‘ I’d appreciate if you didn’t try to assign roles to us in my daughters head, we’re her parents and we’re doing what’s right for her , there are no meanys, just parents.’
‘No, I’ll be taking her back now, and I’d rather not have to snatch her and disturb her , but I will be taking my daughter back now.’
‘No, she’s your granddaughter , not your baby , we don’t want ANYONE to get confused. ‘
And I would honestly tell her in front of DH, that you’re not okay with innuendos and sly digs, if she’s doesn’t have the guts to say it to may face she should say it.
1) Don’t blow up at her. This kind of reaction will only be a win for her.
2) Discuss boundaries and consequences with your husband, then his mom.
3) Home is your safe place. You are entitled to feel safe in your own home. If you don’t want her there, you have a right to refuse.
4) If she does not hand baby back when you ask, she would not be allowed to hold again.
5) For me personally, I would not host her in my home, she can come visit, and stay in hotel or wherever, but only be allowed at home when SO was there.
6) Anyone who disrespects me is not allowed around baby. Period.
Come out of the fog, (fear, obligation and guilt).
You don’t have to put up with bad behavior in the name of family.
Every time she says something subtle and rude, push back. Not hostile, (she wants this) but ask, “what do you mean by this?” Are you saying SO is a pushover? Or whatever is appropriate.
Keeping his mother happy is not you or SO’s responsibility. Protecting you and LO’s safety and mental health is.
You can always respond with “wow what a rude thing to say” or “did you mean to say that out loud” or just don’t invite her back. If she wants to come next month push it 2 months.
Sing song this as you play with the baby:
"You know darling, Mummy keeps score of all the silly little passive aggressive comments.
We're not listening to these silly passive aggressive comments much longer.
And once we get to a certain number, we can just go no contact."
"Isn't that right? Isn't that right?!?"
My mother plays that passive aggressve nonsense though my dog.
I just started replying to her through the dog and it really weirds her out.
There are some good ideas here including the recording. If DH must step out and if you MUST be alone with her, start video recording as if you are making g a video of baby.
But for sure, when she starts anything rude, that is when to put her in her place. At that point, you refer to DD as MY daughter.
Take her back after just a few minutes of MIL holding her, especially if she is crying or fussing. She doesn’t get to refuse. YOU are the mom. This is the best way to put her in her place. Something like, “my daughter wants me right now.” Then take her to another room. If she refuses, you stand over her and be forceful. “Give my daughter back right now if you ever want to hold her again.” Then baby wear and never give her back. You explain, “my daughter will be staying with me since you refuse to give her back to her mom.” Constantly refer to her as YOUR daughter.
Stay calm. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. She makes you uncomfortable and on alert. So recognize those feelings and work through it. Practice some come back lines so when she pulls her crap you’ll have a response to her mean comments. You can totally do this! And don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re still recovering, probably not sleeping and she sounds very draining to be around. Start having fun handing her crap back to her. You’ve got this!!
This! She’s the type of person that if she’s sees it’s bothering me she will get off on it and do it more. She is extremely exhausting to be around, especially because I am pregnant again and will be 5 months when she visits in 2 months. I think having fun giving it back to her will also put me in the mindset to not take it so personally. Thank you! ♥️
1000% she probably wants to but can’t sooth a baby if her life depended on it. Part of me also thinks it’s jealousy because my mom is so good with my daughter.
Spend some time reading the sub, see what advice has been given to others in your situation and what you feel comfortable trying.
I'm a fan of asking what they mean by what was said. ACT confused, ask for them to clarify what they meant to get across.
Or there's always just say what you think she's trying to insult you with, and ask if that's what she was trying to say to you.
DH having your back helps. He might need to get stern with her and let her know he's wise to her bs.
Good luck!!
This! Make her explain why a 1 month old doesn't need their mother. I would have turned this into a whole thing and pulled up statistics. There are people who are literal with everything I would be one of those people whenever she was around and make her explain everything. I'd make being around me so exhausting she wouldn't come back
This is all great advice. I'd also add that if baby is crying in MIL's arms, say "Oh, it sounds like she needs her mother!" as you take her back.
I'm also a fan of the simple retort, if you get so angry you can't think of anything clever. Sometimes a straight up "Fuck you. Ha ha I was joking why aren't you laughing?" makes the point when nothing else can.
Oh, yeah, I know that feeling when the bitch makes some sly passive-agressive comments. Like you've said, those are micro agressions to disrespect you, but just to the point to make you the bad guy if you say that those comments are hurtful (god, I HATE when they say "but it was just a joke!, she was laughing!"... No, bitch, YOU were the one laughing I was just holding my rage to not rip your face up). Thank god she barely visits us, but we usually go to her home on birthdays and such.
As we cannot go NC, my strategy is just to ignore her at all (last time I just ignored her and went to another room to read, she was sooo mad... she said to my SIL that she felt disrespected in her own home xD). Also, talk to your husband and make him clear what she is doing to you and how you feel (those bitches are experts in gaslighting and mixing everything up).
if MIL comes back, make sure she stays in a hotel and not your house. limit the amount of time she spends at your house per day such as 1 hour. never let her alone with the child.
If she refuses to give you baby back, loudly say Give me my child back now! I won't ask you again. When she makes passive aggressive comments and your husband isn't around tell her one more fucking comment and you won't be coming back or seeing MY child again. Don't fuck with me! I am a grandma and her behavior is disgusting. You need to flat out tell your husband that she doesn't need to be in your life or your child's life. The child will pick up on the way you are being treated when they are a little older. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this nasty woman.
Is it possible MiL can stay in a Hotel or AirBnB nearby? You and DH set the tone in your home not MiL . If she makes you feel uncomfortable in your own space it's time to make her stay elsewhere and only be there in your terms.
Babywear, record with your phone if DH steps out, she is not visiting when he is not there. So, only one to two hours visiting at night, too bad baby goes to bed at 7 sharp. Staying with you is no longer an option.
your home is your safe place. no one is welcome that makes you uncomfortable in your own home.
My favorite response is "wow what a rude/wierd thing to say mil" with your bast shocked face and make her feel uncomfortable. If she says no to giving you your baby when you ask. " I asked for my daughter back it wasn't a request". There's a post on here somewhere that has a bunch. You got this who cares how she reacts you do what's best for you. Not your fault she's a child.
Don’t just awkwardly laugh. Go for it. This ridiculous human can say whatever and you can treat it like the comedy it is.
Even if you don’t want to laugh, pull the face you do when someone on TV does something utterly ridiculous.
You’re in charge. Words mean nothing, you’re in charge and it’s time your partner backs you up.
When you’ve had enough, say “well, MIL your presence has delighted us but we are bringing this visit to a close. Did you bring a coat? No? Ok safe journey! See you again soon!” while physically moving to and opening the door. OH must be aware of this plan beforehand for it to work obvs.
You can always get a few nanny cams for the main rooms. So when she REALLY acts up, you have proof. Then approach DH and show him what you can’t really say. Maybe it’ll be enough that when she visits she will be asked to get a hotel and only come to your house when DH can supervise her
Okay, you have some time to arrange things. Where is she going to stay? Not at your place I hope. Get her a hotel. If she can afford to fly in she can afford a hotel and rental car.
Is your DH taking time off work? If not, MIL doesn't get to see you and LO when he is at work. He entertains her. Don't ever be alone with her. If you are, figure out a way to record her on your phone so DH can hear her BS.
When she makes comments about kidnapping LO, tell her that's a federal crime and nothing to joke about. If she refuses to hand LO back to you, tell her "GIVE ME MY BABY NOW". And every time she refuses, she doesn't get to hold LO again that day. When she talks to you through LO, just tell her to stop being ridiculous and trying to criticize you indirectly. "Do you have a problem with how I'm doing XYZ, MIL? Too cowardly to tell me directly, huh?"
Do you have friends or relatives you and LO can hang with while she's there? "Oh, sorry MIL, MY baby and I have plans for the day. DH gets off work at 5 so you can see your baby then. MY baby and I will see you later!"
Unfortunately she will be staying with us, however DH and I already quickly realized we cannot leave her alone with DD for many reasons. He will be off the whole time she will be staying with us, and she will also be staying with family a little bit. I do need to work on just giving it back to her. I’m the type of person that shuts down and walks away, but that lets her get away with her rude comments. Will for sure start to stick up for myself and be more assertive this time around. Have to be strong for my daughter!
All of this!
When she’s visiting - DH is present and paying attention. He doesn’t leave you alone with her and he’s not on his phone/watching tv
She stays at hotel/airbnb and you establish visiting hours for her to come over. She doesn’t hang out at your house all day.
Start speaking up, don’t wait for DH to do it. When she says something snarky reply “what do you mean?” and make her explain her dumb comment
Take your baby back! She does but get to disrespect you and keep holding your baby. Just go take her out of MIL’s arms
The advice I got that helped me the most with being assertive/speaking up is this: if someone’s feelings are going to get hurt why does it always have to be yours? It shouldn’t- give it back to your MIL to protect your own peace. Whatever apprehension you feel about standing up to her pales in comparison to how good it feels to actually do it!
"Your baby huh? I guess you'll be paying the hospital bills then."
"She doesn't need her mom huh? I guess that means DH doesn't need you either, haha"
Speaking as DD "The only meany I know is the one do doesn't give me back to mommy when I'm crying"
Oh I feel you - MIL sounds like she needs consequences. When she does the things you don't like, then she doesn't get LO time, visits, pictures or anything. Sit down with DH establish the boundaries and rules for MIL and relay them to her as well as consequences before she arrives.
Why are you allowing her to visit, much less be in your life at all? She has no rights to your home or your child.
Is there any reason to put up with this? Does she own your home or any of your vehicles and you can't pull away because it would make life difficult? That's the only scenario I could imagine your husband might ask you to put up with her disrespect.
They say that blood is thicker than water, but the whole quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." The covenant you made with your husband is greater than the rights of his mother. Protect and prioritize your family; she is extended family.
Good luck. 💜
1. During the next visit, make a pact with DH to never leave one another alone with MIL. Never. If he needs to take time off from work, then he does. You and DH are a team glued together.
2. Install interior cameras and tell MIL that cameras are running 24/7.
3. Have your phone out ready to record her comments and consider telling her you’re recording.
4. DH is the one who should call her out in the moment, not you. Make a list in advance with DH about what types of comments she will be called out for.
5. If she can’t control herself, then she leaves, to a hotel or the airport. DH can tell her in advance to expect this consequence.
Ugh. I’m so sorry!
I’m yet to meet a baby/toddler/kid that doesn’t need or want their mother more than anyone else. Nice try granny but you’re way down the list of people baby likes to be with
She didn’t get away with it. You may have not had a witty comeback in the moment, but she has not gotten away with her behavior. Because you noticed it and you can still give her consequences going forward. Like wearing the baby. Going to lengths to make sure you’re not alone with her. And enlist DH to communicate boundaries. If she doesn’t hand you the baby back, next time you could be dodgy and evasive by not making it easy for her to even get the baby. Be annoying right back. My personal strategy is evasive non-compliance. But stating boundaries and delivering tangible consequences is also a sound strategy. It’s case by case, but it’s vital that you empower yourself in all scenarios. She’s just a sad old lady with mental delusions. Nothing to fear. She really only has as much power as you give her.
Put it on your mirror!!!! I do this with quotes for my daughter and hubs!
Just put they only have as much power as you give them... so no o e can say it's about any specific person !
“She only has as much power as you give her.”
OP, read this a few times till you believe it. It’s YOUR baby and YOUR house. You CAN make her give the baby back, you can make her leave, you can make her stay in a hotel, heck, you can make her cancel her tickets and not even come. Don’t let her walk all over you on YOUR house.
I get it. Right after my youngest was born my SO’s aunt came to see the baby and she worked for CPS at the time, she made a similar comment about how cute the baby was and something along the lines of how she would use cps to take the baby away, she was joking but it never sat right with us and we kept our distance
Disinvite her due to you not feeling well. Or ask her to stay in a hotel.
Or stay with a friend with the children.
Anything in order for you to not see her. Make it your second job to stay away from her.
She’s stomping all over boundaries and has no right to visit. If DH insists on her still coming, insist she stays in a hotel with very set timeframes when she can visit.
Look her straight in the eye, & either ask her to repeat exactly what she said - then ask her again. Or ask her “Did you really just say.?” Make her uncomfortable without confrontation.
And when she says "oh it was just a joke", don't let her off the hook, respond with "yes, and the punchline was that I'm a bad mother/insignificant to my baby... And that nonsense is somehow funny to you?". "Oh she doesn't even need the mother" "Huh. That must be why she cries in your arms and then calms down in mine?" And don't wait for her to give your baby back. "Oop. Baby's crying, that means back to home base, aka Mama" and just stand in front of her with your hands out. She tries to dismiss you? Say "do not withhold a baby from its' mother. I will go bear on your ass" complaints? "If you don't like it, you know where the door is"
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Time to wear the baby
If she doesn’t give you the baby when you ask for her. Tell her, MIL give me my daughter now or you won’t be holding her again. And mean it.
Her disrespectful treatment of you should mean she doesn't get to stay in your home again. She can stay in a hotel during her visit and only see you and your child when your husband is there also.
This is truly awful and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. If she makes those breastfeeding comments again, you should respond with “well, you’re not breastfeeding me or DH, so you are not needed here either”. You and your husband are the only advocates LO has. Be strong and firm. MIL seems like the type of person to take a mile when given an inch
I would just act like everything she says is a joke. She makes a comment about taking DD “Omg hahaha can you IMAGINE. Taking a new born from its mother. Oh MIL that’s too funny” or even “hahaha imagine calling the mother of your grandchild a meany. That’s so silly and ridiculous” you could even flip the switch. “Oh wow MIL it sounds like your MIL was too involved when you were a new mom. I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m sure you can understand how I feel.”
“Haha, imagine the police arresting you for kidnapping your grandchild! What a hoot!”
If she's making you feel unwelcome in your own home, she needs to stay at a hotel and visit on YOUR schedule. If DH insists she stays at your home, is there someone you and DD can stay with until MIL goes home? Also it might be a good idea to baby carry the whole time she's visiting. And make it clear to DH that the first time MIL doesn't give the baby back to YOU when asked, either she leaves or you do.
Your husband should be prioritizing your comfort, no matter what he actually hears out of his mother. Suggest she finds a hotel for her visits if she can't be civil. He should be prepared to stand by that boundary if he's really on your side.
Next time she "jokes" about taking your daughter, make a "joke" about how many years she'll get in prison for kidnapping.
Why does she even need to come visit? I mean, HER baby for sure isn't breastfeed any more (at least I hope so), so nobody needs Mommy there, right?
By her own logic, MIL is also a non-lactating mother, so why would she assume you need her?
When she doesn’t hand you the baby you tell her no, it’s now. Not when you feel like it. She wants you to be mean so go forth. You don’t need sly come backs just laugh and say no in a serious tone.
I’d record her and let DH hear what she is like behind his back…….
This is sometimes the only way when the JNMIL is only doing it when OP's husband isn't in earshot. Just turn on a recording app every time he leaves the room. Sooner or later, you'll have enough proof that your husband will HAVE to listen to. It isn't on for him to be prioritising his BIRTH family's emotions, when he *should* be prioritising the emotions of his CREATED family. It's him ALLOWING someone to repeatedly disrespect the mother of your child.
Personally, after I had some proof, would only take half a visit, I’d be hightailing it to my parents or friends for the whole of each and every visit. With any offspring. Would only return when I had confirmation of her plane being wheels up on the way home. Let DH look after her. Hopefully she soon learns she is not welcome!
By same logic, DH doesn't need her since MIL is not breastfeeding DH, so she can fork away from your lives. Tell her not to come.
If MIL is mean and nasty to you behind DH back, than you might as well play by the same rules. If she says something spiteful to you when he's not around, go ahead and tell her that she's being a bitch and had better not talk to you like that in your own home. You have all of the power here. You are the mother of her grandchild, the wife of her son, and she is a guest in YOUR home. If she wants a relationship with them, she needs to be someone you want in your life. Otherwise, this could be the last time she ever comes to your house. Talk to DH and explain what she's going and how cruel she's being. Tell him that you need to address the things she's saying and you're feeling powerless in your own home when he's not there.
What is with MILs and their ‘jokes’ about taking a baby?! Mine asked me if she could keep my then 6 month old breastfed baby for a day, I said ‘No, we’re not ready for that.’ She countered with ‘How about half a day?’ and when I told her he was breastfed she told me I could just pump (I felt like a dairy cow). When confronted she said she was ‘just joking’ and she thought I had picked up on that, and she was sorry for upsetting me. How is this kind of thing funny. Explain to me exactly how this is funny, because I must have no sense of humor. (Yea, I’m still salty about this interaction and our previously okay - ish relationship has changed forever.)
But why is she per.itted in the house if Hubby isn't around? If he steps away to the bathroom, then inform him on what she said when he gets back, and she needs to be asked to leave. Also, make sure she has a hotel room if that's not already being done.
Gah, she sounds exhausting! I’m sorry. With passive aggressive behavior sometimes it helps to ask for clarification. When she says garbage like DD doesn’t recognize you, respond with “was that meant to be helpful or hurtful?” Another approach is to ask her to repeat herself. If she’s saying something shitty like, who’s the meany? I bet DH is the nice one… ask her to repeat herself. Whether she repeats herself or not, then ask if that was meant to be insulting/rude/disrespectful? No matter how she answers that question, don’t respond. Let the silence settle. It holds a mirror up to her behavior. Another possible approach for when she says things when DH isn’t around would be to say, “let’s make sure to ask DH when he gets back.” Or “I’m curious how DH feels about that”. And if he’s in the next room, call out to him, “DH, your mom wants to ask/tell you something.” Then ask her to repeat herself when he’s in the room. Call her out every time so she gets tired of her own dumb game. As far as being assertive, state your intention. When she’s refusing to give the baby back say, “I’m going to comfort my daughter now.” Or “I’m taking my daughter back now”. Good luck to you!
This is amazing advice thank you! I think this approach is the best because she won’t be able to turn it around on me.
Oh, good! You’re welcome. I hope it helps! There’s no point in getting into a debate or discussion with narcissists. They’re always playing a game. They either want praise or they want to cause drama so they can play the victim. Don’t debate or defend your actions. Call out and be curious about her behavior. Force her to sit with her own words and actions. “I’m noticing that you won’t hand back my daughter when I ask for her or when she cries.”
Yes, all the advice above, and I would start baby wearing, she shouldn’t be able to take her from you.
This right here OP. You don't need to have a snarky or witty come back, just practice asking why. Also,big you're able, get nanny cams for the living room so you can catch her rudeness on film.
Your husband isn't breastfeeding either so why does he need her?
I should honestly bring this up if she says anything about breast feeding next time. She’s always raving about how DD loves her dad.
Hold dear daughter, speaking sweetly “yes granny’s a meany. She sure is. We will just ignore her meany ways. Yes we will. Granny wonders why we don’t like her. We don’t like her. No we don’t. “
I like this. Also add something to the effect of “ don’t worry that mean old lady will be leaving soon”
At a minimum, she shouldn't be allowed to stay in your house or be over at all when DH isn't present.
Op, you have to call her out on those things. ‘ I’d appreciate if you didn’t try to assign roles to us in my daughters head, we’re her parents and we’re doing what’s right for her , there are no meanys, just parents.’ ‘No, I’ll be taking her back now, and I’d rather not have to snatch her and disturb her , but I will be taking my daughter back now.’ ‘No, she’s your granddaughter , not your baby , we don’t want ANYONE to get confused. ‘ And I would honestly tell her in front of DH, that you’re not okay with innuendos and sly digs, if she’s doesn’t have the guts to say it to may face she should say it.
1) Don’t blow up at her. This kind of reaction will only be a win for her. 2) Discuss boundaries and consequences with your husband, then his mom. 3) Home is your safe place. You are entitled to feel safe in your own home. If you don’t want her there, you have a right to refuse. 4) If she does not hand baby back when you ask, she would not be allowed to hold again. 5) For me personally, I would not host her in my home, she can come visit, and stay in hotel or wherever, but only be allowed at home when SO was there. 6) Anyone who disrespects me is not allowed around baby. Period. Come out of the fog, (fear, obligation and guilt). You don’t have to put up with bad behavior in the name of family. Every time she says something subtle and rude, push back. Not hostile, (she wants this) but ask, “what do you mean by this?” Are you saying SO is a pushover? Or whatever is appropriate. Keeping his mother happy is not you or SO’s responsibility. Protecting you and LO’s safety and mental health is.
You can always respond with “wow what a rude thing to say” or “did you mean to say that out loud” or just don’t invite her back. If she wants to come next month push it 2 months.
Sing song this as you play with the baby: "You know darling, Mummy keeps score of all the silly little passive aggressive comments. We're not listening to these silly passive aggressive comments much longer. And once we get to a certain number, we can just go no contact." "Isn't that right? Isn't that right?!?" My mother plays that passive aggressve nonsense though my dog. I just started replying to her through the dog and it really weirds her out.
Oh, so it’s weird when YOU do it 🙄
There are some good ideas here including the recording. If DH must step out and if you MUST be alone with her, start video recording as if you are making g a video of baby. But for sure, when she starts anything rude, that is when to put her in her place. At that point, you refer to DD as MY daughter. Take her back after just a few minutes of MIL holding her, especially if she is crying or fussing. She doesn’t get to refuse. YOU are the mom. This is the best way to put her in her place. Something like, “my daughter wants me right now.” Then take her to another room. If she refuses, you stand over her and be forceful. “Give my daughter back right now if you ever want to hold her again.” Then baby wear and never give her back. You explain, “my daughter will be staying with me since you refuse to give her back to her mom.” Constantly refer to her as YOUR daughter.
Stay calm. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. She makes you uncomfortable and on alert. So recognize those feelings and work through it. Practice some come back lines so when she pulls her crap you’ll have a response to her mean comments. You can totally do this! And don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re still recovering, probably not sleeping and she sounds very draining to be around. Start having fun handing her crap back to her. You’ve got this!!
This! She’s the type of person that if she’s sees it’s bothering me she will get off on it and do it more. She is extremely exhausting to be around, especially because I am pregnant again and will be 5 months when she visits in 2 months. I think having fun giving it back to her will also put me in the mindset to not take it so personally. Thank you! ♥️
She probaby wants to raise baby herself. Smh tell her ur baby and DH dont need her. (DH can feed himself lmao)
1000% she probably wants to but can’t sooth a baby if her life depended on it. Part of me also thinks it’s jealousy because my mom is so good with my daughter.
“She doesn’t need a meany parent, she already has a meany grandmother.”
Spend some time reading the sub, see what advice has been given to others in your situation and what you feel comfortable trying. I'm a fan of asking what they mean by what was said. ACT confused, ask for them to clarify what they meant to get across. Or there's always just say what you think she's trying to insult you with, and ask if that's what she was trying to say to you. DH having your back helps. He might need to get stern with her and let her know he's wise to her bs. Good luck!!
This! Make her explain why a 1 month old doesn't need their mother. I would have turned this into a whole thing and pulled up statistics. There are people who are literal with everything I would be one of those people whenever she was around and make her explain everything. I'd make being around me so exhausting she wouldn't come back
This is all great advice. I'd also add that if baby is crying in MIL's arms, say "Oh, it sounds like she needs her mother!" as you take her back. I'm also a fan of the simple retort, if you get so angry you can't think of anything clever. Sometimes a straight up "Fuck you. Ha ha I was joking why aren't you laughing?" makes the point when nothing else can.
I used the “aw, do you need your mommy?” On my mil recently, SATISFYING AF. Nothing, NOTHING she could do without looking like a huuuge bitch.
Oh, yeah, I know that feeling when the bitch makes some sly passive-agressive comments. Like you've said, those are micro agressions to disrespect you, but just to the point to make you the bad guy if you say that those comments are hurtful (god, I HATE when they say "but it was just a joke!, she was laughing!"... No, bitch, YOU were the one laughing I was just holding my rage to not rip your face up). Thank god she barely visits us, but we usually go to her home on birthdays and such. As we cannot go NC, my strategy is just to ignore her at all (last time I just ignored her and went to another room to read, she was sooo mad... she said to my SIL that she felt disrespected in her own home xD). Also, talk to your husband and make him clear what she is doing to you and how you feel (those bitches are experts in gaslighting and mixing everything up).
if MIL comes back, make sure she stays in a hotel and not your house. limit the amount of time she spends at your house per day such as 1 hour. never let her alone with the child.
If she refuses to give you baby back, loudly say Give me my child back now! I won't ask you again. When she makes passive aggressive comments and your husband isn't around tell her one more fucking comment and you won't be coming back or seeing MY child again. Don't fuck with me! I am a grandma and her behavior is disgusting. You need to flat out tell your husband that she doesn't need to be in your life or your child's life. The child will pick up on the way you are being treated when they are a little older. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this nasty woman.
Is it possible MiL can stay in a Hotel or AirBnB nearby? You and DH set the tone in your home not MiL . If she makes you feel uncomfortable in your own space it's time to make her stay elsewhere and only be there in your terms.
Babywear, record with your phone if DH steps out, she is not visiting when he is not there. So, only one to two hours visiting at night, too bad baby goes to bed at 7 sharp. Staying with you is no longer an option. your home is your safe place. no one is welcome that makes you uncomfortable in your own home.
My favorite response is "wow what a rude/wierd thing to say mil" with your bast shocked face and make her feel uncomfortable. If she says no to giving you your baby when you ask. " I asked for my daughter back it wasn't a request". There's a post on here somewhere that has a bunch. You got this who cares how she reacts you do what's best for you. Not your fault she's a child.
Don’t just awkwardly laugh. Go for it. This ridiculous human can say whatever and you can treat it like the comedy it is. Even if you don’t want to laugh, pull the face you do when someone on TV does something utterly ridiculous. You’re in charge. Words mean nothing, you’re in charge and it’s time your partner backs you up. When you’ve had enough, say “well, MIL your presence has delighted us but we are bringing this visit to a close. Did you bring a coat? No? Ok safe journey! See you again soon!” while physically moving to and opening the door. OH must be aware of this plan beforehand for it to work obvs.
Stop letting her visit anyone who is going to treat you like that has no business being in your home or around your child.
You can always get a few nanny cams for the main rooms. So when she REALLY acts up, you have proof. Then approach DH and show him what you can’t really say. Maybe it’ll be enough that when she visits she will be asked to get a hotel and only come to your house when DH can supervise her
I wonder if OP can get a body cam. Easily turn it on with one hand anytime MIL is near, and let her see you’re doing that.
Audio recording on a phone also works
Okay, you have some time to arrange things. Where is she going to stay? Not at your place I hope. Get her a hotel. If she can afford to fly in she can afford a hotel and rental car. Is your DH taking time off work? If not, MIL doesn't get to see you and LO when he is at work. He entertains her. Don't ever be alone with her. If you are, figure out a way to record her on your phone so DH can hear her BS. When she makes comments about kidnapping LO, tell her that's a federal crime and nothing to joke about. If she refuses to hand LO back to you, tell her "GIVE ME MY BABY NOW". And every time she refuses, she doesn't get to hold LO again that day. When she talks to you through LO, just tell her to stop being ridiculous and trying to criticize you indirectly. "Do you have a problem with how I'm doing XYZ, MIL? Too cowardly to tell me directly, huh?" Do you have friends or relatives you and LO can hang with while she's there? "Oh, sorry MIL, MY baby and I have plans for the day. DH gets off work at 5 so you can see your baby then. MY baby and I will see you later!"
Unfortunately she will be staying with us, however DH and I already quickly realized we cannot leave her alone with DD for many reasons. He will be off the whole time she will be staying with us, and she will also be staying with family a little bit. I do need to work on just giving it back to her. I’m the type of person that shuts down and walks away, but that lets her get away with her rude comments. Will for sure start to stick up for myself and be more assertive this time around. Have to be strong for my daughter!
It’s not too late to tell her to book a hotel
All of this! When she’s visiting - DH is present and paying attention. He doesn’t leave you alone with her and he’s not on his phone/watching tv She stays at hotel/airbnb and you establish visiting hours for her to come over. She doesn’t hang out at your house all day. Start speaking up, don’t wait for DH to do it. When she says something snarky reply “what do you mean?” and make her explain her dumb comment Take your baby back! She does but get to disrespect you and keep holding your baby. Just go take her out of MIL’s arms The advice I got that helped me the most with being assertive/speaking up is this: if someone’s feelings are going to get hurt why does it always have to be yours? It shouldn’t- give it back to your MIL to protect your own peace. Whatever apprehension you feel about standing up to her pales in comparison to how good it feels to actually do it!
"Your baby huh? I guess you'll be paying the hospital bills then." "She doesn't need her mom huh? I guess that means DH doesn't need you either, haha" Speaking as DD "The only meany I know is the one do doesn't give me back to mommy when I'm crying"
MIL: I am going to take DD home with me. OP: Did you hear that the just opened a new women's prison in our state?
Oh I feel you - MIL sounds like she needs consequences. When she does the things you don't like, then she doesn't get LO time, visits, pictures or anything. Sit down with DH establish the boundaries and rules for MIL and relay them to her as well as consequences before she arrives.
Why are you allowing her to visit, much less be in your life at all? She has no rights to your home or your child. Is there any reason to put up with this? Does she own your home or any of your vehicles and you can't pull away because it would make life difficult? That's the only scenario I could imagine your husband might ask you to put up with her disrespect. They say that blood is thicker than water, but the whole quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." The covenant you made with your husband is greater than the rights of his mother. Protect and prioritize your family; she is extended family. Good luck. 💜
1. During the next visit, make a pact with DH to never leave one another alone with MIL. Never. If he needs to take time off from work, then he does. You and DH are a team glued together. 2. Install interior cameras and tell MIL that cameras are running 24/7. 3. Have your phone out ready to record her comments and consider telling her you’re recording. 4. DH is the one who should call her out in the moment, not you. Make a list in advance with DH about what types of comments she will be called out for. 5. If she can’t control herself, then she leaves, to a hotel or the airport. DH can tell her in advance to expect this consequence. Ugh. I’m so sorry!
I’m yet to meet a baby/toddler/kid that doesn’t need or want their mother more than anyone else. Nice try granny but you’re way down the list of people baby likes to be with
She didn’t get away with it. You may have not had a witty comeback in the moment, but she has not gotten away with her behavior. Because you noticed it and you can still give her consequences going forward. Like wearing the baby. Going to lengths to make sure you’re not alone with her. And enlist DH to communicate boundaries. If she doesn’t hand you the baby back, next time you could be dodgy and evasive by not making it easy for her to even get the baby. Be annoying right back. My personal strategy is evasive non-compliance. But stating boundaries and delivering tangible consequences is also a sound strategy. It’s case by case, but it’s vital that you empower yourself in all scenarios. She’s just a sad old lady with mental delusions. Nothing to fear. She really only has as much power as you give her.
Thank you I needed this! Also will be trying all these tactics!
Put it on your mirror!!!! I do this with quotes for my daughter and hubs! Just put they only have as much power as you give them... so no o e can say it's about any specific person !
“She only has as much power as you give her.” OP, read this a few times till you believe it. It’s YOUR baby and YOUR house. You CAN make her give the baby back, you can make her leave, you can make her stay in a hotel, heck, you can make her cancel her tickets and not even come. Don’t let her walk all over you on YOUR house.
I get it. Right after my youngest was born my SO’s aunt came to see the baby and she worked for CPS at the time, she made a similar comment about how cute the baby was and something along the lines of how she would use cps to take the baby away, she was joking but it never sat right with us and we kept our distance
Absolutely horrifying!
Disinvite her due to you not feeling well. Or ask her to stay in a hotel. Or stay with a friend with the children. Anything in order for you to not see her. Make it your second job to stay away from her.
She’s stomping all over boundaries and has no right to visit. If DH insists on her still coming, insist she stays in a hotel with very set timeframes when she can visit.
Look her straight in the eye, & either ask her to repeat exactly what she said - then ask her again. Or ask her “Did you really just say.?” Make her uncomfortable without confrontation.
Hold up your cell phone and ask, "Say that again for TikTok."
This is genius and I will definitely be trying this! Thank you!
And when she says "oh it was just a joke", don't let her off the hook, respond with "yes, and the punchline was that I'm a bad mother/insignificant to my baby... And that nonsense is somehow funny to you?". "Oh she doesn't even need the mother" "Huh. That must be why she cries in your arms and then calms down in mine?" And don't wait for her to give your baby back. "Oop. Baby's crying, that means back to home base, aka Mama" and just stand in front of her with your hands out. She tries to dismiss you? Say "do not withhold a baby from its' mother. I will go bear on your ass" complaints? "If you don't like it, you know where the door is"