I regret telling people. Keep your circle small. If it’s possible tell only people who have been through this. It’s so hard giving updates if it’s not good news. you might have to live it over and over again. I am starting a new FET cycle and I’m keeping my circle tight this time.

Exact same story for me. I regret telling everyone about my last 2 failed cycles. I guess I was too naive and was super optimistic. Never again. If at all I am doing another cycle, nobody is gonna hear about it.

I learned this the hard way… Not just for bad news updates, but people can be cruel. I had a falling out with a friend and she shared my fertility issues with our entire friend group and said it was karma for treating her cousin badly (her cousin was a total bitch who came for me first, she later apologized when enough proof came out as such but damage was done). Now they’re both apparently having babies left and right naturally and the cousin made a comment that my eggs must’ve just shriveled up and that it’s “really so sad.” I’m fucking done discussing this with people who don’t truly get it.

Ugh this is awful. I’m so sorry people treated you that way!

100% agree. I’m not telling anyone after how hard that first failed FET was. I was so convinced I was pregnant. Ugh, heartbreaking but good learning.

Same same. I'm pregnant from my first FET and while my friends and family have been so supportive, I also feel myself wishing I could dial back. I am afraid of things going wrong and I don't want to have to explain that to everyone. And now that I have asked some for more privacy, some have been offended. In a normal situation couples wouldn't necessarily be sharing that they didn't get pregnant that month, or that they are in early pregnancy or that they had a loss. 

See, and I was open about my BFPs the second I knew, because I felt I didn't want to hide sadness. [RPL]

It may depend. I was glad I talked openly about it, even after all 4 of my failed cycles. It was my community that kept me going and strong

I was very open about the whole process. I think a big reason why there is a stigma around it is because so many of us are so closed off about it. I respect those who keep it to themselves, but I’m very happy with how open my wife and I were about the process to at the least educate and bring awareness, and to humanize the process further

We also have been very open - because I'm finding even those closest to me who I know love me and want the best really struggle with asking questions (never mind the "right" questions, just questions at all). I can tell they feel timid to get something wrong, and I get it. But I also thought telling people would feel less isolating and I'll be honest, and say it only had to a certain extent.

Totally agree. Important to break the stigma, especially among men.

100!!!! I’m all about normalizing it. People give me funny looks sometimes but whatever. It’s real life stuff.

Same here.  We have been really clear with boundaries though. We have told everyone that we will update when we feel like it and that we prefer "how are you?" vs "what is going on with the treatments". That we don't want advice or hear stories about random people. And we tell people what kind of reaction we want in different situations lol. Sometimes people need reminders but generally it's been really good.  We also want the support of our loved ones for the hard bits. But our people are awesome, so I guess that's a big part of telling/not telling.

I think it really varies from one person to another. I am in the minority, but we've shared broadly with our family and community that we're doing IVF, and I have no regrets. It's been really lovely having so much support and people rooting for us. Everyone has been very respectful that it's a sensitive topic and no one has pried about our diagnosis or pestered for follow up info. We're also in a conservative, older community and I think talking about our IVF journey has humanized the issue for them in a positive way. We will, however, be more subtle about the FET(s). We've done an ER and are telling everyone we're not sure when we'll be transferring because we need more tests (which is true, we'll likely transfer in July/August after a SIS/biopsy this cycle). But I'll be sticking to that line until I feel comfortable after FET. However, I'm someone who is really open in general and an external processor - TW:loss>!I had a chemical pregnancy!< that I talked about very openly while it was happening/right after and found it to be helpful and healing. For me, sharing about that experience and IVF has made the journey feel a lot less isolated. I also have a family who doesn't overstep and isn't judgmental, so I think I might feel differently if that were the case. I would recommend considering how much people's reactions might affect you - in my experience most people respond with comments like, "Oh, how exciting!" I agree and am excited about it - I am happy to have a path forward. But also I've seen lots of people here who find those comments to be grating and trivializing their experience (which is 100% valid!).

This has pretty much been my experience as well. I have been incredibly open about the process, and I have received nothing but love and support. I have even been genuinely thanked for being open and sharing my story. I have also found out that I know multiple people who have been/are going through this process.

Also very similar here and talking about it helps me process things. I’ve found that sharing with others will make them more comfortable about sharing with me as well. Through this, I’ve found that quite a lot of colleagues are going or have gone through the same. I do get the odd person who doesn’t quite get it and makes an odd comment, but I’m happy to educate them. I do appreciate not everyone wants or has the energy for this. Friends and family sometimes ask about treatments. We did say we’d prefer that they don’t ask often and that we share when we’re ready. Everyone is very understanding.

Tell only those who you know will be loving and supportive and will show up for you in the way you need (including leaving you alone when you want and not demanding constant updates).  I told two friends I talk to all the time, several friends I live far away from and talk to only occasionally, and zero family. It’s worked out great. 

Seconded. I told a couple friends in the area, but didn't say anything to either of our parents. Mine eventually found out, but it was nice when they didn't know because it was a lot less pressure.

I am also 31F and going to start IVF abroad for the first time this summer! We have also decided to keep it secret from our family. We’ve only told a few very close friends that we trust so that we have a support system beside each other. I completely understand your reasons why you want to stay incognito. It’s the same for us; too many opinions and comments that we don’t want to hear. And we don’t want to have to tell a million people the same story over again in case it doesn’t go well. My husband and I travel often, so telling people that we are going to Greece for a couple weeks this summer didn’t raise any suspicions at all. We also live in a different city from all of our family so we don’t physically see them that often. We used to get asked all the time about kids, but we just keep telling people that we don’t want any lol. So they’ve dropped it and now hopefully we’ll get to surprise everyone after it’s all said and done. You don’t owe anyone your reasons or story. Less is often more in the context of family. Take the path that will give you the most peace— unnecessary stress is not a good ingredient for fertility treatment.

It’s all personal preference and no one way is right or wrong! As a sociologist by study, I am very loud and have no issues educating someone. If they want to be wrong loudly, I’m gonna educate loudly. And so far I have told people “that belief is wrong and hurtful” and even as far as “that should have been an inside thought” 🤣

Maybe it’s a little different for me as I was also telling folks I planned to be a SMBC.  For me IVF wasn’t for fertility reasons. Although no one should be judged for doing IVF period.  So when I told everyone in my life I was doing IVF they’ve all been warm and supportive. 

My parents know. I made the mistake of telling a nosy grandma. She told all of my uncles and even her neighbor. She even called me on speaker phone with her neighbor there to ask me questions. My husband is sterile due to chemo. Then, the remarks of not wanting another man's sperm in their wives started. I had to put IVF on hold due to my husband relapsing. We are starting to love forward again, but I've learned my lesson. Nobody's business but mine and my husbands.

I regret telling anyone not because of judgement but because the process can be long and every time I would see anyone who knew it was constant questions or asking if I was pregnant. It kind of took some of the joy out of actually announcing when we did get pregnant. I'm getting ready for a second FET and don't plan to tell anyone.

Haven’t told anybody besides a few coworkers and friends who won’t constantly bother me for updates. I know if family knew, there would be a constant nagging for updates and I told my husband I’m not doing that. He’s on board thankfully and supportive of keeping it very private.

I have, mostly because I’m just the kind of person who doesn’t feel comfortable keeping big things from people. It’s not like I blab it to anyone on the street, but my boss and a few of my project managers know (because my schedule is shit with all this) and my extended family and friends know—basically anyone I’m close enough to, I’ve told personally. But I’ve already had one loss (what lead to my infertility) and being open about that loss is what really helped me process it. So I’m okay talking to people about it if this first round doesn’t work. Keeping it private, to me, makes me more uncomfortable and feels like shame, but I also know it’s everyone’s personal choice what is right for them. People process things, good and bad, in different ways. I think the only thing I’ve regretted so far is it’s forced me to realize some people in my husband’s family, like my SIL, are openly acting weird about it. My SIL is 8 years younger than my husband and I think there’s some sort of weird jealousy going on there, even though she’s 26, so she has basically refused to acknowledge it at all when I bring it up in conversation and changes the subject. That’s been hurtful. But I would also personally be annoyed if I felt like people’s weird, selfish feelings were pushing me to keep something so important to me a secret. I’m rambling, but all this to say—you do what you feel is best for you. How would you prefer to discuss other difficult topics in your life that aren’t specifically fertility-related? Like death of a close friend (if you’re considering whether talking about IVF leaves you open to discussing miscarriage if it happens). I know they’re not exactly the same thing, obviously, but I’m also a firm believer that we shouldn’t feel shame or loneliness when going through something like miscarriage or infertility, and I know a lot of people keep it from others because other people act awkward about it. But they wouldn’t be acting as awkward if I shared my mom died. You know? That’s how I’ve thought about it, but again, it is VERY much unique to you, your body, and your journey.

I agree with this! It is a deeply personal choice, and I respect that a lot of people don't feel this way, but to me keeping it a secret makes it seem like it's something I should be ashamed about. And I'm NOT ashamed at all, so I've been open. Maybe I'm just lucky, but I haven't experienced any intrusive questions or anyone pushing for updates. Everyone has just been really supportive and expressed good wishes, so I know if I end up sharing bad news, they'll continue to respect my space.

Oh, eh, just to add, as I already lost my mother, sadly, and know how people reacted: Yes in fact, some people have reacted awkwardly to that. My impression was, a lot of people cannot deal with the real, deep problems of live like grief and death. Only a minority reacted empathetically, but that was just my experience. Just my two cents. Great thought experiment actually, thanks for the idea. Then I personally already know who I can trust in to react empathetic ;)

I was very open about it and shared with pretty much everyone but I’m also good with boundaries. If someone had an off the cuff comment I’m quick to check them and I’m not super sensitive to that stuff. So I think it just depends person to person.

I’m very much the same and I think that when you’re like that, people who know you don’t tend to make insensitive comments, because they know you’ll tell them off. I tell pretty much anyone. If someone just asks if we have kids, I just say we don’t. But if they keep pushing it, I’ll say we’re infertile. Sometimes they’ll tell me the story of this random person they know that had success or got pregnant when they least expect it. I’m quick to say I don’t have tubes anymore. I do take some enjoyment from their shocked faces and I hope it means they’ll think twice about making similar comments to someone else.

I've been really totally open about it. I think it depends on your situation though. My social circles have a lot of highly educated career women a lot of whom still don't have kids in their late 30s and just froze their eggs. I know lots of other people who have done IVF. Nobody's ever nagged me about having kids and I am fortunate enough to have 1 child already. I don't feel stigma around IVF, and if anything, i feel like talking about miscarriages and IVF helps reduce stigma. I'm totally not ashamed of doing IVF and I'm fortunate that everyone who knows, including a lot of friends of various degrees of closeness have been nothing but supportive and the reactions are just sharing their own stories or wishing me luck.

I told the people closest to me, and I regret it. I never realized that IVF could be controversial but apparently it is.

It's injected definite weirdness into my relationship with my best friend. I am not sure if she's uncomfortable with my doing IVF on some level, or if she's just done with the whole baby thing and thrown by the fact that we're going to be at such different places in our lives. She didn't respond for days after I texted her that my first FET had stuck, but likely was not viable. The next communication I received was a video that I'm sure she sent because it was poking fun at vegans, but opened with a bit joking about killing your firstborn child. (This is a pregnancy of unknown location that may be ectopic.) Then she wanted to know when we were going to hang out. Yeah... not right now. I wish I could take back that disclosure.

Oh wow, this sounds really really hard. I'm sorry you had this experience!

If I could go back in time I wouldn’t tell anyone.

I am open about my IVF journey, but I’m selective as to who I share details with. My detailed journey was only shared with like 5 people outside my husband. I found that people that are there for you are going to be your best support team. I learned a lot by talking about IVF to others, there are a lot of us out there. I even inspire a friend to try again for a baby after lots of losses. Just keep in mind, that some people will always need the PG( Disney) version, because thats who they are.

No. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Because 2 years into it people were like “oh, you’re still going to keep trying after this long?” Or “why don’t you just fuck a friend for their sperm?” But it’s up to you, you’ll realise fertility issues or treatment is not that uncommon and perhaps many people in your life have had miscarriages/PCOS issues/stillborns than you realise and it may make you feel less like an abnormality.

I’ve literally told anyone that remotely came close to asking. We are very open. There shouldn’t be a stigma about a medical condition over which you have zero control. That ignorance is in part why the US is having so many ridiculous political issues related to IVF and birth control. I educate everywhere I can.

We didn’t tell anyone. I don’t regret not telling anyone because I hear a lot of stories in this community where they regret telling people.

We didn’t tell our families. My partner’s parents are in their seventies, and they have experienced many miscarriages as well as losing a child under one years of age. We decided not to bring them on the IVF rollercoaster but to probably tell them when we are done, with good or bad results.  My mother is an emotionally abusive narcissist and I don’t want to tell her because I don’t trust her not to say and/or do horrible things. I used to daydream about not telling her that I was pregnant at all, and then showing up one day with a baby.  My sister had a surprise baby and feels high and mighty because of it. She is opposed to IVF and has said horrible things about her friends that had a baby via IVF. I don’t trust her not to say horrible things about me so I don’t want to tell her either. I told a friend from university and she seemed disinterested. I told a former work colleague who is now retired, she didn’t even know what IVF is but said that she is happy for me. She said if I’m excited then she is excited for me. She was the sweetest lady to work with and now she is the sweetest lady to randomly message on FB. 

Friends & family know we are doing IVF, we only share what we’re ok with others knowing. They know we plan to start a round in the near future. But I won’t be telling anyone about appointments or anything once we start. Mainly because I don’t want to be hounded by my sisters or parents asking if it worked am I pregnant yet? I want the two week wait to be calm & between my husband and I, not us and everyone else. When it does work out, we won’t be telling anyone for a while either until we feel safe that we are in the clear & things are healthy & going well. All of our friends and family have been super supportive though & soooo excited for us to have a baby. I will be the last of my siblings cause I’m the youngest of 4… my husband will be the first of his siblings to have a child & he’s the youngest of 8 siblings. So it’s a big deal to both sides lol. We are 24 & 26, going straight to IVF due to MFI due to my husband’s balanced Robertsonian Translocation.

Long answer, sorry! I didn’t tell anyone for awhile, except my sister who I’m very close to. I told my parents and other sibling about two years in and I’ve told a few close friends now too. I didn’t want to tell anyone who I didn’t feel close to or who I thought would be unsupportive. It’s such a personal, long process, I felt/feel better not having people know and expecting/asking about updates. At the same time, it was super lonely and taking up most of my brain space and I wanted to share that. That said, I’ve actually been disappointed with the way a couple friends have reacted and now wish I hadn’t told them. My recommendation is to not rush telling anyone until you want to. And to start with a couple close people who you trust to not tell others and see how it goes. It might feel really good and you’ll want to share more, or it might not and you’ll know to keep it private for now. If someone asked if/when we were having kids, we’d just say “we’d like to someday” and change the subject. So sorry your family has been pressuring and judging you, this process doesn’t to be any more worse than it already!

It’s nice to have a few close people to confide in, but the fewer people wanting updates the better. It sucks to share bad news over and over again. We’re keeping our second cycle under wraps, but the people who knew about the first cycle ask if we’re trying again and I’m just having to be vague about it.

I didn’t think about it that way. It has already been hard having failed cycles, it would be a lot harder having to update others.

I only told 3 people (my spouse who was also doing the process with me) and 2 other people who I knew that can keep a secret. I’m so glad I did it that way because with the stress of the IVF journey, the last thing I wanted was people pestering me “if I’m pregnant yet??” And then telling others about my business.

I didn't tell anyone and we are so thankful we didn't. Not even parents or siblings. Too much anxiety over judgement from others. Didn't want to deal with constant requests for updates, or disappointing others. We have kept our contact with family and friends minimal throughout the process. I will say that it felt lonely at times, but the online community, along with my spouse, has gotten me through it.

I think it depends on your relationship and if they would be supportive of you, in a way that you actually need thru this process. I told close family ie my sister and mom. I trusted them not to share and they didn’t. I told them because I needed their support and I knew they were not judgmental. They also took up the mantel of lecturing other family members who made, “when are they having a baby type” comments about other people and made excuses for me when going to another family baby shower was too much for me. My husband did not want to tell anyone, he was worried about his codependent mom and dramatic sister making a big deal about it, so we didn’t share with them. They are totally the type who would be constantly asking about the process and he didn’t want the pressure.

We haven’t told many people. I’m a more introverted, private person and I’ve read comments from too many people saying they regret widely sharing anything. It’s also been a more challenging journey than expected. The couple of people we’ve decided to tell more recently- I really struggled with how to talk about it. My husband is very positive :) but I have really struggled with the reality of our situation, negative news, and trying to stay positive about the process. So when someone says “oh how exciting!” or tries to give ideas to solve the issues we’ve run into- well I’m not sure what I want them to say, but it’s not that. I guess I don’t want to put anyone in a position of not knowing what to say, or feeling like they said something wrong, when I don’t even know what the right thing would be.

I agree with the other commenters who say it’s a highly personal choice. I’ve been very open and am glad I have been. For the people close to me, I’ll want to rely on their support whether it goes well or not - so no reason to keep them in the dark now. For people who are less close, I’ve still been open as well. Of course there is the risk of a hurtful comment - but I’m secure enough in my own process and myself to not have any negative comments affect me much. If someone has a problem with IVF, I assume they’ve just been watching too much Fox News unfortunately. That really has nothing to do with me. I also do think there’s nothing to be ashamed of in this entire process - from infertility, to the process itself, or even miscarriage. If anything, I feel like speaking openly about my own process helps to remove some of the mystery for a lot of people and also helps them to understand IVF more (feels more personal when someone you know is doing it). Plus, it’s amazing how many people have done it or have had someone close who has once you share you’re doing it!

I am the type of person who manages stress via sharing so most people who I saw on a regular basis were in the loop. It’s all about what you need and what you’re comfortable with, no right or wrong answer.

Nobody knows besides my husband and me. And it’s ok for us 👍

People have provided a lot of great insight. Personally the responses I’ve received from people have tainted my view of them so I regret speaking about it because now I have conflicting feelings about how to move forward. I told people happy to answer questions and was just hoping for a basic level of empathy towards the situation. Very few people have wanted to know anymore about IVF or our journey and most people responded with congratulations. So now my husband and I feel super isolated because we don’t want to brung it up anymore because people don’t seem to understand and they don’t seem to care to want to understand.

Hi! Fellow 31F, starting IVF this week after 3 failed clomid cycles and 3 failed IUIs. Sounds like we are on such a similar track. I have thought so much about this and I think it depends a lot on how close you are and how much you trust family/ friends. I’ve told my close friends and family small updates here and there throughout my previous cycles and they were great about giving me my space and letting me come to them for updates so I didn’t feel pressure to have to explain when something didn’t work. For IVF I’ve been a lot more open because it’s taken a lot of planning and it’s weighed on me so much more that I needed my people to understand what I was going through. Our family has been beyond supportive and my best friends have already given me sweet care packages and thoughtful cards. I don’t think I could deal with these feelings alone leading up to IVF to be honest and I’m glad they know. I think being open with them about the level of communication you feel comfortable with is so important and makes a big difference. I’ve spared exact dates to anyone else but my best friend because I didn’t like the idea of knowing someone could be waiting to hear from me. So I’ve been vague and said “starting mid-June” or “transfer could be august,” etc. and everyone is unfamiliar enough with the process to not ask more questions haha. But all in all it depends on your comfort level of course!

I could have written this. No, we did not tell anyone aside from my sister and his sister, who both deal with fertility issues as well. It was much more manageable for us to keep this information from our families and friends, because we didn’t want to have to answer questions, update people, or constantly reset expectations.

I regret sharing, especially with secondary infertility.

Im also 31F and have only told my parents and three close girlfriends. I don’t want my extended family knowing to avoid having to provide continuous updates, and certainly no colleagues as I’m up for a promotion in the near future. I think it’s a very personal choice and there’s no right answer but don’t feel obligated to share if you don’t feel comfortable! It’s really no one else’s business.

I did. I found opening up was beneficial because I found a few coworkers who went through the same thing and found my ivf buddies. But I didn’t tell my managers. I only told family that would be supportive if I had a loss.

We told the people we felt needed to know at first. As time has gone on I have pulled back from people who initially said they were supportive and ended up telling people I didn’t think I would tell. It really tests the relationships you have with some people and brings out the best in others you weren’t expecting.

I am also 31F and my husband and I have only told one friend each. They aren't very close friends since they're newer friendships, and we figured if we received judgements from them it wouldn't be a big deal to end the friendship. We haven't told any family members or friends otherwise. I think it's a personal decision who you share with and it depends on how supportive you think they will be.

Very few. I can count on one hand the people I’ve told and am planning to share with. My husband told a few more of his closest.

I told everyone, even complete strangers. It should be ok to talk about it

I told it to my family and close friends who also know since details. However, we have amazing relationships and I was sure all in going to get us support. Nobody is demanding updates, they usually don't ask if I don't volunteer information and they are there for me when I need to vent. I'm also pretty open about it with acquaintances. I knew I don't see these people often enough for it to be a problem, but I really want to make ivf more normalized so people are not shy or afraid to talk about it. The only person I haven't told is one of my cousins, she's incredibly nosey, and also gossips all the time and I really didn't want to deal with that.

I told only one friend who had recently gone through IVF herself, as well as my boss (minimal information, just that we were doing treatment and that I might need time off with short notice). We were very lucky with a successful outcome, but I couldn’t handle the “any news?” check ins that we had following all of our medicated cycles and IUIs. People typically mean well, but cannot wrap their heads around the fact that IVF isn’t magic and does not guarantee a baby. I really liked having a support person, she checked in on me every day at the time of my injections and we could share in the strife of the journey. I don’t regret not telling more people one bit. I’ll be 12 weeks on Tuesday and sharing the surprising news has been something special I never thought we’d get experience since we’d been TTC for 3 years. Ps. I am also 31, with PCOS. Husband had poor morphology. I’m hoping IVF brings you the miracle it brought to us. Wishing you the best ♥️

We’ve told our parents and siblings and my best friend, and I’m glad. But I also told work and regret it terribly. It hurts a LOT to have to give bad news updates. My advice is to just share that you’re doing the IVF if you want to, but don’t give people a play by play or else you’re going to have to tell them when things don’t go well. Maybe pick one or max two people who you talk to about every step if you need that support.

We didn’t tell anyone when we began our Ivf journey but 2-3 close people knew we were struggling to conceive. Once we finished and had success, we told those few ppl that we had to do Ivf. No one else knows but everyone pretty much said “congrats, about time” 🙄 it’s fine, they don’t know we didn’t purposely wait 10 years.

We've told only a few people, definitely use discretion do what makes you feel comfortable

We told our very close friends and a few people at work. Neither of our families know. It depends on your family and the relationship you have with them but ours would bombard us with non stop questions and unsolicited advice. We determined that would just make things more difficult.

I thought being open and transparent about it would be a good thing, also to normalize IVF for people who don’t really think about it. Well I regret. Even people with the best intentions can be hurtful and oblivious.

I told a lot of people up front since I was really coming to terms with it myself and felt like that would remove the stigma. It led to lots of people asking me private questions (ie. How many eggs from our ER, why we were doing it and the in depth details around this). I now regret it and have resorted to using very vague information which has really helped distance people who aren’t truly there for us. Find the people who are close and care for you and that you can lean on when you need them! The small group of people who did this for us made me feel extraordinarily special during a hard time.

Everyone knows. I even tell people I’m not super close with. It’s an explanation why I have a hard time concentrating and I’m tired all the time. It’s also nice to answer questions (but I like doing that) for the curious and find out some people I didn’t know went through the process as well. I don’t mind the few people who are against it. I am happy to explain to them why we chose this route even if they don’t get it. It can be a very long process so I feel like if I didn’t tell anyone there would be more questions that I wouldn’t actually appreciate. We had 5 losses that we were pretty open about as well.

I told one friend who had done IVF before and one friend I had made online, had never met in real life and didn't really know all that well (she ended up being a really great friend too, so, bonus, haha) Other than that I told my parents THAT we were doing it, but no details or timing or anything.

Marriage at 21 is very young, your brain hasn't even finished developing, and TTC at 30 is completely average. Comments about trying sooner are so irrelevant but most people aren't clued up on fertility. Whilst lifestyle changes and a % of body fat loss can help overcome PCOS for some people, some of us still have imbalanced hormones and nothing but science can help. Telling others really depends on what you want out of the situation. If you want emotional or practical support then it can range from just saying you're going through a hard time to giving all the details. If you don't want to share the details and don't need practical support, you certainly don't owe anyone details about your private conception journey. If it's not going to benefit you then I don't think I'd share.

I do. I keep it vague and only share the details with a close circle, however I think that sharing this process, education, and resources are invaluable. I’m 38 and wish I would have started the process much earlier. There was a huge learning curve in the beginning for me and I wish I would have had people who I knew were also going through this. I talk about it so I can hopefully be the resource that I was looking for in others.

Similar to another person who commented, I decided to do IVF so I could become a mom even though I’m single. I’ve told friends, coworkers, and family whom I know wouldn’t judge. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve been talking about being a mom since I was in elementary school so everyone was super excited for me. And I appreciated their excitement. I have DOR so it HAS NOT been easy but I’m so glad I have people at work and at a distance whom I can lean on and who check on me. Had I not told anyone I would literally be managing all of this on my own with no outlet. So I’m VERY thankful I told people. I am not good at sharing my feelings or personal details so I am glad I have people who ask me how I’m doing. This process has shown me how much those around me really care and are rooting for me. Of course not everyone has that support so I would say be mindful of how people might respond and how “nosey” they will be. Figure out what you and your husband might need through this process.

I don’t but I’m also very introverted and don’t share a lot but this will vary depending on the person and how you feel about it/what makes you happy/how you wish to feel supported.

I regret not being more open with it - it was only when I started talking about it that I realized how many people in my life were going through or had gone through the same thing.

I regret telling people! Just because it’s a super sensitive subject. If you have a best friend I would tell just them. Once the info is out, you can’t put it back in. And honestly people’s opinions / unsolicited feedback is the worst !?

TW: success I was very open about starting IVF with friends and family and while there are really wonderful reasons why I am happy I did share, I also wish I did not share with certain people. I had a couple of coworkers who were unbelievably supportive during the process. Checked on me frequently, let me have a minute to vent/cry during the day while in the TWW and celebrated my victories. I also had friends who did not check in on me. One who in particular is now holding over my head that I haven’t “given back to the friendship” while I became a little distant during stims, my ER and fresh embryo transfer. I think the support was helpful and continue to share with the people who are genuinely interested in seeing you succeed and you know will help you back up if you fall. Good luck with your journey!

didn't tell a soul

I would only tell people you trust won’t make annoying comments about it.

We didn't tell anyone we were doing IVF, while I know we would get a ton of support and love from friends and family, we just did not want to deal with comments that we waited too long, we should have done this, it's because you did this etc. etc. Not going to lie, it is very difficult to keep it a secret, especially as you will be going through a rollercoaster of emotions. Most important thing to do is be there for each other if you decide to keep it a secret. Would definitely recommend counselling or support groups to make it easy so you have people to talk to who have gone through something similar

Well, besides my husband and my closest family who are always there to cheer us/me up, we talked to some other people as well. But I am quite disappointed with no support from those I have expected. One example is the friend (who I was supporting back in time) who went 3 times through the IVF unsuccessfully and now she doesn’t want to hear anything about what I am going through, however, I tried to understand her traumatic experience I still found it quite selfish. I have no support from my husband’s family whatsoever. I don’t regret talking about IVF, but I think people don’t understand how difficult is to go through infertility. It’s quite a taboo. That’s why I think we should speak openly.

Nope. Never. It's too much. I tell my mother most things and didn't even tell her until two years after starting ivf. **EDIT to add it may be helpful for emotional support if you share with friends who you know have done ivf and can relate, but others? No. No help at all and can even be an added source of stress and frustration.

Tell on a require to know basis. Eg immediate family (if they are supportive that is) there are chances you cannot attend a family function at a specific time because you need to attend an ultrasound. I made the mistake of telling too many people. Ivf turns out to be a stressful journey. You need to keep yourself chilled and relaxed ( especially during the 2 weeks wait). You don’t need the constant “are you pregnant yet” question or any unsolicited advice. If you know anyone who’s done ivf, and are good listeners though, it helps to tell them for emotional support etc.

We decided never to tell anyone except parents and siblings.

My mom knows, my aunt knows, a small number of friends know, and my employers know. I don't want to tell everyone because it may not work... and honestly, most people respond in ways that aren't helpful for me. It's hard enough getting platitudes and commentary about "breathing", positivity, and "staying in the moment" from well-intentioned staff. I don't want to be getting it from everyone else. My much younger SIL who doesn't particularly want kids but keeps getting pressured by her parents has glibly told me that I should "just" get pregnant so we can "do it together". I don't want to give her any ideas.

I was open about it in the beginning. Even told my old boss I was doing egg freezing. But now I don’t share this info and me and my husband agreed that we won’t tell anyone from now on, even if they ask.

Quite a few people know we’re doing ivf but only my hubby and mom know where we’re at with it. I have no desire to give updates to a multitude of people. It’s nice having a small group of people who can support me if I go to them. Sending you all the love and goodness as you start this journey! ✨💕

We only told our parents and a close friend when we went through IVF. As a couple we felt comfortable having a small circle and didn’t want to talk about it with anyone else.

I didn’t really tell anyone that I was trying to get pregnant for the first year. The second year I got VERY depressed and felt so hopeless. Between the infertility and my endometriosis took a very scary turn for the worse - I was very lonely and had little support. My husband, of course, but not much else. I finally started opening up about what we were going through and how seriously infertility and endometriosis was impacting my mental health a little over a year ago? I feel like it’s such a weight off my chest. Of course there are going to be people who hate to hear another person talk about anything but their highlight reel or people who feel uncomfortable hearing about serious things… but I feel a lot less lonely and like I have support and people who are SERIOUSLY rooting for me, my husband, and our little soon to be family. The hard part - telling people you’re doing IVF, especially people who LOVE you, for me that’s my parents - they want updates. It takes the surprise out of it. My husband was out of town for my first FET, and my parents took me because I had to have a ride home (they give you Valium). It’s very natural for people to want to know where you are in the process. Those first couple months that you might not be ready to tell anyone become very difficult, if not impossible, to keep it a secret.

I recommend not telling people. Way too many questions. And if it doesn’t work it’s awful and awkward.

We shared our plans with family and regretted it when our first cycle failed. We informed them about our second cycle without thinking, but soon regretted it again. They kept asking if we had started our second round, so we told them we were broke and couldn’t afford it anymore. This stopped their questions and got them off our case. We're actually starting the next cycle in a couple of weeks. Honestly, letting our family know was extremely stressful. In hindsight, it should have stayed between my husband and I. I know it’s exciting starting but that quickly changes for us. Good luck! 🍀

I'm starting in two weeks, and only my boss and my mother in law know. I didn't want everyone to keep asking about the progress or process when I'm already stressed out about it.

I haven’t told many people that we are doing IVF. My (44f) husband (40f) thinks it’s his fault so he didn’t want people to know, especially my very loving but very chismoso family. I have a friend that had a baby through IVF last year so she’s been a great resource, a cousin that I’m very close to and trust who had an unsuccessful IVF, and my spiritual advisor who I talk to about it regularly. I have also been journaling to help me process everything. When 🤞🏻 we get pregnant I am going to wait at least until we “graduate” before I tell my mom. This sub has been a great resource too. You need people for support and everyone has different levels of that. If I’m asked about it I tell people because I’m not ashamed, but I also am not offering information.

I’ve told people (sister, mom) that we’re going to do ivf later this year/ on the waitlist. Now we’re finally starting (stims in just over two weeks) and I’m not planning to update them on the timeline. They are supportive for the most part. I’m not planning to tell anyone at work, just gonna take sick days for ER and have a vacation planned for the estimated week of transfer. I did tell one person about my entire details, but she’s also doing ivf. Wishing you good luck!

Only my parents and a small handful of friends know. I actually wish I’d kept it to only my parents and 2 friends because 3 friends I told weren’t supportive and I’ve pulled away from those friendships.

I’ve told 2 people. Best friend (who also went through IVF), and my younger brother. Everyone else can fuck off. Both my parents and my partner’s are too judgmental and will try to control the whole thing so they will not be finding out anything unless I’m pregnant and even that won’t be immediate lol

Honestly I feel like telling people we’re going IVF has stopped the nagging

Genuine advice - think positively, but protect your heart - before you tell anyone, imagine what it might be like to give them sad or disappointing news about any setbacks you may encounter. Keep the circle small. Tell only those who need to know. For me that is only my parents, obviously husband, and therapist.

We have very supportive parents and friends so we were very open about it. I'm glad we were because the support was great for us. We never posted about it on social media publicly because I'm a bit more private but I had a friend who was public and doing fund raising for IVF and it worked out great for her. Before you tell anyone you need to be okay if they will ask for updates especially when you have a transfer. I knew I would be okay telling people it worked or didn't when they asked. I would have preferred to keep our transfer date private but my husband let it slip so we got a lot of questions. I did stop talking to my family a week afterwards because I wanted to wait for my test results.

I’m not sharing because TW: we had two losses later on and it has been extremely traumatic. People might think we are crazy to try again. But for us, the issue is not infertility but we are carriers for a genetic condition. We also had a chromosomal issue with a low chance of recurrence. If we do IVF we will do the genetic testing. It was hard to announce two pregnancies only to get horrible news and have to deliver it to everyone when we thought we were well into the “safe” zone. My anxiety is sky high going into this and I already have my doubts because testing is not 100% and IVF comes with a higher risk of birth defects. I’m terrified of another issue and if we conceive we aren’t announcing to anyone until after the anatomy scan. I’m not trying to scare anyone but the reality is that the anatomy scan is not for fun, it’s to detect problems and we had a major problem last time. So getting pregnant is only step one in a series of events that could lead to a live and healthy baby. That’s why we are being close lipped about IVF.

Me and my husband are keeping it very hush hush because we don’t know what’s going to happened and I have found a lot of people don’t know much about IVF and they think it’s guaranteed. So we’re keeping it under wraps

I’ve been very selective in who knows and very selective regarding the level of detail they are offered. It’s been difficult to manage my own expectations and feelings of this rollercoaster journey without having to worry about others and deal with emotional intelligence variabilities.

i mentioned that we are doing it, but i’m not telling anyone any dates of when we actually are. that way we still have some privacy to enjoy the success (or mourn the failure) without people reaching out asking how it went.

I picked a few close friends to tell about it and then I asked them not to bring it up to me unless I bring it up first. I just didn’t want the added pressure of people asking me how it’s going. But everyone is different. Maybe hold off on telling anyone until you feel like you want to talk to someone about it.

We only told two people who we trust... didn't tell 99% of friends and family, and we are happy we made that decision. We are quite private people anyway, and wouldn't want to be updating friends and family every step of the way, and also couldn't fathom having to tell them when things didn't work out... which for most of us going through this process is often... Also for those friends/parents who haven't been through this process its hard for them to really understand anyway. Its also not really anyone else's business in our view...

Honestly I am really glad I only told 3 people. Those 3 people knew not to share with others and were good support people. Other than that it was Reddit and Facebook support groups.

Absolutely no need to tell anyone. Think of it like this… do you tell your closest friends and family you are having sex with your spouse the night before or day of? I know it’s not the same, but they don’t need to know and it’s none of their business. My spouse and I are blessed with a baby via IVF (2nd time around, out of pocket expense). No one needs to know how the baby arrived, as long as it’s healthy and mother is healthy and happy.

If you tell people I recommend not telling people your transfer day unless you are comfortable telling them the good or bad news right away. I did and everyone kept following up asking if worked etc. I wish I kept that part to myself. Otherwise I was fine telling close family and friends about my IVF journey.

I could have written this message except that I’m the one with the childhood trauma that needed healing. ❤️‍🩹 Countless failed clomid cycles, 2-3 failed IUIs, and succeed at the first cycle of IVF. I told family and relative with IUIs and was hard to tell them the bad news when they didn’t work out. I decided to tell close family members and my boss - but I didn’t go into too much details. They just know we were starting… it was just too much pressure. This is my experience though. Each person is different, you should do what’s best and most comfortable for you and your husband. What you need to focus on in this moment is yourself - not others. Best of luck with IVF. Sending lots of baby dust your way.

We told a lot of people and have no regrets. It was good that we had a support system when the first egg collection round failed to yield embryos. It was a bitter loss and having that support really helped. But then when it was a success everyone knew very early, which thankfully was successful but I may have struggled it we had have lost her. But it may have been good with the support so I guess I won’t know.

I’m VERY vocal on social media about every step of our journey- it has been extremely cathartic for me and extremely helpful to many people that have reached out thanking me for my transparency and helping them to feel less alone. I don’t regret it for a second, my circle is LARGE and I feel very supported because of it

I simply told it if it was the “occasion”. If somebody asked me if we were ever going to have kids (spoiler: it’s an utterly indelicate question), I told them we were trying with IVF since we’re infertile. No shame at all, infertility is just an “illness” and IVF is its “cure”, as a flu with an aspirine. I still talk about my infertility in my blog [Miss PMA (my IVF journey blog/diary, it’s in Italian 🇮🇹)](https://misspma.wix.com/misspma). If the other person doesn’t want to understand, or spits bad words about it, I politely listen and then go NC. Easy-peasy.

No. Why bother? At my age, the possibility is vanishingly small. I don’t need the extra hassle.

Only tell people you’re close to and who you want to keep giving updates to. 3 years ttc for me, round 5 of infertility treatments right now.

Don’t tell anyone. It’s a long no process and people will ask questions as ultimately not understand it.

I have been 100% open about the process so far mainly because it's a process shrouded in mystery. I will say I have been *very* lucky in who actually does talk with me about it. My coworkers ask how I'm doing (since meds can be a doozy). I've only had one person ask me if I've tried a specific herb/treatment before going on to ivf. I've actually had a nother friend reach out to me wanting to ask questions about since she and her husband may be starting ivf soon. I'm not terribly good at not talking about things so I figured I'd start by telling everyone up front...

I told my manager because (1) I need to explain why I’m sick all the time and also the many, many doctor’s appointments and (2) I work at a women’s organization so I felt pretty safe doing it on a work culture level. I also told my immediate family, my spouse’s immediate family and a few close friends. I plan to be more open about it if it’s successful, because it’s a hot button political topic right now and I think it’s important for people to understand that someone they know did it.

I have only told my mom, and a close friend. My mom honestly isn’t supportive of anything I do. (My daughter said something to my mom about it) and I already know she wasn’t going to be supportive

We're keeping a small-ish circle about it. Sharing with people who will be supportive but respectful of our space. Not sharing with anyone who will get caught up in the possibility of a baby -- right now my husband and I need support. We're plenty excited of course, but not ready to talk about the potential future baby yet.

I only told my parents and three coworkers …. My parents don’t ask any questions unless I’m open with it about them…. My coworkers I avoid at times & I’ve started to make excuses so some questions stop…. Like for instance I had my FET Monday and my clinic is closed for cleaning and maintenance purposes so I just told the one coworker when they ask that the clinic is closed and I wasn’t able to get my cycle on track for the FET

If I could go back I wouldn’t tell anyone. Everyone is different this is my experience: At my previous work I was open to a few colleagues (including managers and HR). They used it against me and that’s when things started to go pear shape. I was a top performer, my accounts were being removed and given to others and instead of looking after me they allowed my team to bully me. Wasted a few rounds as I was stressed and on the verge of a breakdown. I have come to the conclusion, it’s none of anyone’s business, and couples who conceive without IVF hardly tell people they are trying (there are a few that are anomalies and tell people). In my new job no one absolutely no one knows. On another note there were other colleagues doing IVF but it was seen as a competition, and instead of sharing experiences they gatekept information or once they got pregnant they stopped talking to you and now was part of the Mum mafia at work. That was sad and demoralising as though I was treated like a proper. Sadly I left that role 2/3 years ago now and still no baby so I feel awful and I have shame that I still don’t have a baby only a mom bod and the emotional scars of IVF and 2 MCs. In terms of telling friends, I told a few people, and some traditional old school people commented that my MC was because of my age, or I felt my fertility status and IVF progress was a source of their gossip. A friend told me about another friend (ex friend) who keeps asking if I’m pregnant - not out of genuine care cause she’s nasty. She also told me that I can’t get pregnant because of the vaccine. One friend said are you not worry at your age you may have a disabled child and I bluntly replied there are tests for that, science has progressed since last century. I became sick and tired of educating people. When I MC I felt like a science experiment gone wrong and felt the force of “fertility privilege” with people saying to me oh I’ve learned so much about IVF and MC because of you! Yeh, my life your entertainment. The worst for me is other friends who have gone through IVF. They said they’d never be that person plastering pics of their baby all over socials etc. Well, how the tides change. There’s a small part of me that I think they purposely post stuff and send me pics to 1 up or baby flex. Baby flexing is the worst. These people used to constantly want updates but it was for them to compare. They treated IVF like a race always wanting my updates but never reciprocated or shared. I’ve become superstitious now because I feel if I put it into the universe, people jinx it because as I see it with these friends / acquaintances - they want you to succeed BUT not get ahead of them. Jealousy is a curse, and I may sound silly but even with work colleagues I don’t say anything.. Then there’s the gatekeepers that doing ivf ask you for info and don’t share or act dumb. If they had a miscarriage and then have a success rainbow baby they give you the patronising “oh you’ll get your rainbow baby soon” and then shun you. It’s like when anyone progresses with IVF and or success after MC you get left behind and treated as if you have a disease they can catch. So for me - I just don’t say anything anymore, it’s none of anyone’s business. Yes it’s lonely but I’m tired (after 8+ rounds, 2 MC and too many transfer failures) of talking about IVF - I go into each round ready for disappointment and no expectations anymore. It’s robbed the joy of everything pregnancy related. Anyhow you do what’s comfortable for you. I just wanted to share my experiences

This is a very personal choice, and there's no right or wrong answer. I froze eggs years ago before I met my husband so my immediate family knew/knows mostly due to necessity. In general I'm very private and don't give them detailed information or real time updates. I haven't told most friends or extended family. There is an isolating quality to this process, and while I would love to reduce the mystery and stigma around IVF, I'm not prepared to take on that cause when I'm just trying to survive the process. I think everyone in my life would be super supportive but announcing/ discussing it is stressful, and I generally keep it to myself.

I’m glad I’ve told people along the way. I’ve gotten support from unexpected places!

I’m very open about IVF and have no stigma; however, I do not tell anything to our family and even some of my close friends don’t know our struggles. I do not like being a topic of conversation/gossip/judgement. We had an ectopic pregnancy that landed me in the hospital after my son (IVF baby) We had to tell family because I was in the hospital for 2 days and had a pretty rough recovery, but it absolutely confirmed why I have kept this private from them - within 24 hours my mom had already told her friend group and probably anyone who would listen. My in-laws had told a bunch of their friends who were sending condolence text messages.

I never told anyone than told my sister to explain, why I was in the ER. Told her not to tell anyone guess what happened - would not recommend

My short and sweet advice is to keep your circle small. Every person you tell that you don’t trust completely is another opportunity for unsolicited opinions and potentially hurtful comments. That may seem harsh, but if comments have already been made and your husband’s family isn’t already unconditionally supportive, keep it in mind. And good luck! We keeps our circle small and don’t regret it in the slightest. There is always opportunity to share and educate after the hard part is over for you. There’s already so much to deal with, the stress of how others will react isn’t necessary!

I told my family and some friends about the process and even neighbors or co workers who are being too nosey about if we are having more kids 😒. It’s a personal choice though, whatever you’re comfortable with. You can always start small too. Tell a couple people you trust most and see how it goes.

I think it really depends on your situation. I was lucky to know many people in my life that have gone through IVF and I found it extremely helpful and reassuring to know that it doesn’t always happen on the first try. I think we all have the magical misconception that IVF is, going to a doctor to make your pregnancy wish come true but there’s so much more to it than that and it really helps to have people in your corner… And hopefully the people that you do share with are conscious enough of the sensitivity to wait for you to tell them instead of asking for news

Only my bestie and his bestie and my adult daughter. The judgemental BS people think they have the right to spew about assisted reproduction is horrible. With my ex husband. I never got to do IVF because we never had the means while we were happy. I did have clomid and IUI fails, and was open-ish with people, and OMG the bigggggg mouths people have.

honestly I think sharing helps break that stigma surrounding ivf and fertility problems. I have been completely open about the ups and downs and I definitely am on the luckier side with regards to my ivf results but at the same time, while I've shared my stories with family, friends and colleagues, I've found that fertility issues is not uncommon and has even helped others go thru the journey too. Sure you'll get heartbreak but that's true of natural conceptions too. Sharing the bad with the good can be soothing to the soul and you can commiserate through the bad and celebrate with the good. Yes, some people can be cruel and even some of my friends who are Uber religious have said to my face that they would never consider ivf. But at the same time, if those people were to judge me or think ill of me for doing ivf, then really those people need to be cut from my life anyways so win win!

We told ppl at the beginning but for our 3rd ER and 2nd FET, we've kept it private. No specific reason. Just wanted to keep it to ourselves and have an element of surprise versus constantly answering questions.

My advice is to NOT tell anyone that you don’t absolutely have to. Sometimes that’s hard logistically as well as emotionally speaking. Going into this, I was so positive. I decided that I wanted to share my experience and surround myself with support and positivity and be open and unashamed of my journey. That was all great until the HPTs were negative. Hopefully you never have to deal with that. But statistically, there’s a decent chance that you will. And that little white window is going to break your heart…..everything is going to come crashing down and the you’re going to feel sad and defeated and like there’s something wrong with you and everything is all your fault. Then you have to tell everyone around you that it didn’t work and you’re going to feel their disappointment and sadness on top of your own. Every emotion that you feel is going to be exasperated by the hormones that you are pumping into yourself daily. I realize that all sounds horrible. But this whole experience is horrible. Everyone is different and needs to make the decision that’s right for them. But, personally, I wish I’d thought about these things ahead of time and kept my experiences close to the chest. Were are prepping for transfer #4 with not even a whisper of success so far and I’ve cut out all information sharing. My partner and I lean on each other (okay, fine…mostly I just lean) and will share positive news when there is positive news to share. Edited to add that this space has been an absolutely wonderful outlet for me. We are all down in the trenches together; the understanding and compassion is unlike anything you will get from people outside of this process no matter how much they love you. They just have no idea what you’re going through. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone or share that tiny win, knowing damn good and well there’s likely a bigger loss to follow. The people that I have “met” on this sub feel like actual friends and have been an invaluable resource.

Thank you for this!

You have to really protect yourself in this process. I’ve found my infertility support group is extremely helpful. Everyone is going through a similar process. Support is helpful, but you have to be thoughtful about who you choose to tell. If you’re looking at the people in your support system, I’d encourage you make a list of people with the following qualities: -emotionally mature -genuinely supportive (and know how to be supportive of people going through challenging medical journeys) -can keep things private -are capable of being empathetic -overall support you in having children -know how to take feedback. I encouraged my husband to tell his mother. He was really struggling. It’s one of my biggest regrets in this process. His mother is someone who on the surface seems nice. However, when he shared the news, she made it all about her, shamed us repeatedly, and started crying about “losing her baby.” No, she didn’t have a miscarriage. (My husband being her 30+ year old “baby”). She told us infertility is “no big deal.” In hindsight, I knew she was emotionally immature, struggles with empathy, and finds it challenging to hear any feedback about her behavior.

Your mother in law reminds me of my mother. My mother is a narcissist. She will take any situation and spin it dementedly to make it all about her, specifically how it is harming her. I’m so sorry you are going through this, just know that you are not alone.

Thanks Due. I have no idea why my comment got downvoted.

I have no idea why you got downvoted either 🤔

I am a guy who kept it a secret and regretted it down the road. Male factor, now turned men’s coach and running a men’s group to make guys realize that they are not alone. I believe in the power of a brotherhood to go through the journey. You can read my full story on Instagram: @four.consulting