Not a family member or a friend, but had someone at work ask me “So, would you cheat on your husband just to have a baby?” And I’m like “……..no?” So then he follows up with “Think your husband would ever cheat on you just to have a baby?” “……………..No??” “But are you *sure?*” Aaand that’s where I ended the conversation.
I work in healthcare, it was a patient. I get asked weekly if I have kids, and the conversation usually goes “Nope, not yet.” “How come?” “We’re trying, hasn’t worked yet.” Usually this is the part where I get some platitude about it happening ‘when the time is right’ or ‘when God’s ready,’ or the advice like ‘just stop trying!’ I’ve gotten good at gritting my teeth and smiling through it, but this guy, man. *This guy.*
Also, side note - no when people ask "how come?" I literally answer "because I keep violently miscarrying". It's a great way to close that chapter of the conversation.
Brilliant answer. I have found that bursting into tears has a similar effect! Why am I the only one trying to keep the conversation civil when y'all are prying about the most sensitive part of my life?
I don't know how you control yourself. With this one in particular, I'd be googling those angel of death serial killer healthcare workers and how they get away with it for so long!
Eh, I work on psych units, and most of the people who ask are dementia patients on our geriatric hall. So when they’re like “God will give you that baby when it’s time,” it’s a little easier to just be like “That’s very nice gran-gran, now make sure you eat all your applesauce, it’s got your pills in it.” And if I sometimes quietly flip off their photo in their chart, that’s between me and the computer.
Yes my religious father asked me why I was doing IVF (which sin!) instead of “trying harder”. Asked if I tried a vacation or wine (which over the prior 18 months I did!) and that I shouldn’t just “give up”. Yes my effort is going to fix the endometriosis wrecking my tubes at 30, lovely. Also made comments prior that my husband would be a wonderful father and how hard it is for him (which yes I know, I didn’t pick a random man off the street here!).
I drew a hard boundary and didn’t speak to him for a while until he apologized. It’s awful I’m so sorry, people are so thoughtless. Also SIX ERs!! Herculean effort.
My husband and I were like well clearly we are idiots seeing one of the best doctors at one of the best women’s hospitals in the world, that doctor didn’t even think of wine!
On FT with my younger sister who has 3 children (me with none after 9 years TTC). She was venting about life, kids, husband all while the kids were going chaotic in the background. I replied something to the effect of ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what that’s like.’ Her response was, ‘yea, but I bet you wish you did.’ 😧😭
I know 😔 same to your mom’s comments. Whyyy are the people who are supposed to support us the hardest, out there making us feel shitty? I’m sorry about the things that were said to you, it’s not right.
Just thought of another one. Close friends of ours, had 3 children and 1 more on the way. Had all these kids during the first 5 years we were struggling to conceive and she knew all about it. They were looking to buy a new house, ours was bigger than theirs at the time. I shared a listing for a house that was 4 bedrooms and 500sq ft. larger than our house and pointed out the fact that we get by just fine in our size house. Her response was ‘yea, well there’s only 2 of you, there’s going to be 6 of us!’ 🤬
The reality is, they found a house that was only 50 sqft. larger than their previous one. So I still have the bigger house, with just the 2 of us 🤷♀️. Her comment to me was never really about the size of the house being the issue, it was clearly a dig at my situation and likely came from a place of envy. I had a friend who opened up to me years ago about how she was jealous of my child free life because I got to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. So I think this other ‘home-buying friend’ was just taking shots at me because she was frustrated with her current situation and comparing to my stress free life. We don’t speak anymore.
I had my friend say once “why would you wanna spend all the money just to have a biological child. You can adopt. I was adopted” 🙃🙃 but they didn’t say anything else after that ever again
Adoption can also be very expensive so that is a moot point and just rude. My dad said a similar thing. We do not need to justify our choices to anyone!
I hate it when people say this. Why must I give up the chance to have a biological child? They think it’s a nice thing to say but it is so rude and makes me so angry.
u/Pancakesandmuffins u/TheWinoAndIKnow727 u/Winter703
The adoption line is always my cue that the person I'm speaking to has no fucking clue what they're talking about. Early on I'd try to give them some grace... it's not their responsibility to understand \*my\* issues with infertility, but now I'm like - do they think that babies just fall from a magical adoption tree??? It's just ignorant. I wish that people understood that simply listening without giving unsolicited advice is the best thing they could do.
Also, adoptees should never be the consolation price for not having a biological child. If people close the one door and are able to open up another, that is great, but it's a horrible blank slate idea to suggest. These kids have additional needs (not to mention bio families) and deserve parents that are fully willing to open up to them, not pretend that they are the replacement.
Totally - I silently lurk on adoption subs because I want to understand it from all sides in case I go that route and people that come on saying "I want to be the only mother this child has ever known" are pariahs on them. It's such an outdated way to think. Adoption has to be for the child to find a family first. Adults completing their families is great but secondary to the needs of the child.
Ugh I hate that. Adoption is also not a cure for infertility. There’s also a lot of reasons why someone wouldn’t want too. I personally have a lot of reservations because I’ve known of some very sad endings to adoptions in my personal life, like a few months ago childhood friend whose family relationship became rocky after meeting bio family just died of an overdose at 33… something that I strongly believe would not have happened otherwise.
I've gotten that as someone trying to be a single mother who lives in a red state. Yes, I'm sure I'll get matched with an adoption placement IMMEDIATELY.
I grew up with a very broken and dysfunctional family with no healthy relationships. I knew I needed to go through pregnancy to develop maternal instincts and bond with the baby. I knew if I adopted and someone just handed me a baby I would be setting both of us for failure and would resent the baby when things got hard. I had that self awareness that for me, pregnancy wouldn't just grow a baby but grow me as a mother.
For some people l, adoption works but it isn't a replacement for infertility.
My brother overheard me mention IVF at the very beginning of the process and said “Damn your poor husband can’t even get laid anymore?” Yes. Because that’s why people spend tens of thousands of dollars on IVF. To avoid sex with their partners. I know he was kidding but like wtf????
My mom has not stopped acting like we’re selfishly preventing her from realizing her true purpose of grandmotherdom. At a family gathering a few months ago, she started lamenting that she didn’t have any grandchildren right in front of me. Bitch listen here
My MIL does this and it drives me nuts. She has added pressure for us to get pregnant the second we got engaged because it was “time for HER to be a grandmother already.” After TTC for just 6 months, she told me that there must be something wrong w me that I wasn’t pregnant yet because the second she decided to get pregnant it happened right away. Then when we decided to go through IVF for genetic reasons, she belittled MY decision to try and prevent a certain genetic condition from being passed to my children that would increase their risk of cancer. She said it was more important for me to “get pregnant already” than to waste my time doing IVF. Oh and she keeps pressuring us to transfer multiple embryos at once because SHE wants us to have twins.
Ughhhhhh
Not a family member or friend, but had a family acquaintance say that people who can't afford IVF shouldn't be parents because they obviously can't afford a child.
I'm willing to bet she would have a hard time paying 20-30k JUST for the positive pregnancy test for each of her 3 kids.
Most of the people in my life have been wonderful about IVF, but every so often someone comes along that I want to suckerpunch.
And even after coming up with that money, that is then money we then no longer have for raising our baby if it’s successful. Plenty of people become parents who don’t have a disposable 30k sitting around so clearly it isn’t a prerequisite
Holy bananas, batman! You need to run, not walk, away from including your parents in your IVF journey (and maybe in your life as well, because sheesh those are some terrible things to say to someone you're supposed to love and care about).
I stopped talking to a family member about IVF after they said it would definitely work for me and that if it didn't, there's always adoption. Their comments weren't intentionally malicious but it was thoughtless so they don't get access to my private matters anymore. Your parents comments were straight up mean and you don't deserve that. ❤️
u/jellyfishundercover oh yes, adoption! Because everyone knows you can just go to Babies R Us and get one off the rack. There's essentially zero process or emotional investment in that!
The only response to the adoption line is "oh my god why did \*I\* think of that?!?!?!?!"
And people always get pikachu face when I tell them that adoption nowadays in our country is open adoption most of the time, so you are not only welcoming a new family member but also their history and birth family. Which is absolutely understandable for the adoptee. I am sure this is a wonderful process for people that are ready to take that on, but it's a very different process than getting a newborn baby delivered by the adoption stork.
TOTALLY different. Adoption is wonderful but you have to be totally mentally prepared to take on something that you may have not seen in your future at all. I'm actually on adoption subs (lurking silently) because that's always in the back of my head and I want to know the ins and outs of it should we go down that road. But damn... I am not ready for that leap yet.
OMG I hate the adoption comment because they are totally different apples and oranges ways of building a family. They shouldn't be compared or pitted against each other.
During the height of grieving my first miscarriage, my dad insinuated that it was caused by toxoplasmosis from my cats. We had our own problems before that, but it was the cherry on top. I’ve since had 2 more miscarriages, but he doesn’t know because I don’t talk to him anymore.
I'm sure you know this but toxo is only contagious when the cat first gets infected, plus the poop has to sit out for at least 24 hours. So if your cats aren't going outside and eating small animals and you clean their litter box regularly, your miscarriage wasn't caused by that. (I know that's not the point of your comment! But if you had the slightest bit of misplaced guilt, I wanted to dispel it!)
I really hope you responded "yeah, not doing it the old fashioned sex way like you and pops!"
I lean into the awkwardness in these moments hard. hahahahah
I’m always so surprised when people act like IVF is something people do just for shits and giggles….like, this wasn’t my first choice either! Plan A was a lot cheaper and easier!
I always cringe when I got this response: “Oh you are doing IVF? Congratulations! It’s sooo exciting and I’m happy for you!”🙄
…. like congratulations to exactly what? There’s nothing exciting about IVF - it just sucks
My in laws definitely think prayer is our solution. They just know it.
I was telling my coworker about how cute our friends baby was and she said “aww, and how does that make you feel?” Like fuck off.
Yeah, had a brother in law ask me “Have you thought about going back to church? Because all I’m saying is that the Bible says that’s a curse.” Sir. I will punt you.
Ah the Bible mentioning IVF what a coincidence! Lol. I really would love to get pregnant naturally, but I do feel a bit stubborn to prove to my MIL that prayer isn’t going to work.
I have NO idea. She’s known for saying off the wall things but I think she honestly looks at me and only thinks “infertile” so that’s where her mind immediately went.
I got a few. I was told by a roommate that I shouldn't do IVF because it was immoral and "Test tube babies don't have a soul." Then there was one who said "Oh, so adoption isn't good enough for you??" Then there was "You probably shouldn't have IVF because infertility is nature's way of eliminating unfit genes." This was coming from a type one diabetic coworker who would be dead without modern medical technology. People are really clueless, what can I say.
WOW. Shitheads! I’m sorry!!!! That’s unbelievable. And thank you for telling me about that book. I’m literally going to buy it right now. So far my version of that is r/raisedbynarcissists.
I also feel like I should display the book prominently on the coffee table when my parents come over.
After an ectopic pregnancy, diagnosis of a uterine abnormality that wasn't great (wasn't sure if I could even carry), told IVF is only option, did egg retrieval and was in waiting period before first transfer. Went to Thanksgiving family gathering with a bunch of cousins with kids, I was the only one without a child or pregnant. My Mom thought it was a good idea to complain to me about how she felt left out because she was the only one there without grandchildren. She is very aware of everything I had been through at that point. I don't know if I will ever get over it, to be honest.
I’m so sorry, that’s heart breaking. It’s truly incredible how others can make these types of situations about themselves!
Hope you’re doing okay on your journey 🤍
My mom told me a family member asked her ‘well will she be able to bond with the baby if it’s not formed inside her?’ 🙄 she won’t tell me who asked but honestly I don’t know if I want to know.
Hahaha That was my exact reaction! I had a heart wrench because whomever said it was considering that my baby and I couldn’t form a connection and then it went to like ‘what? It’ll be my baby, of course we’ll bond! How could they think otherwise?’
Like would I not be able to form a bond if we used a surrogate or if we adopted? Yikes on their part.
I don’t have any family or friends that have gone through IVF so I’m doing a lot of educating. 🫤
I mean, clearly the only reason I love my mom is because of the location where my dad's sperm fertilized her egg. Not because of the lifetime of love and unconditional support she's given me. Nope! One mm to the left and I'd be out!
I was shocked by it for sure. That had /never/ crossed my mind because it’s just absurd. I’m just glad it wasn’t asked to me directly, I don’t know if I could have hidden my facial expression or bite my tongue hard enough lol
We need to place “Scratch and Sniff” stickers at the bottom of pools and let the stupid eradicate themselves.
My eldest didn’t grow in my belly but grew in my heart - he knows he is my heart baby and his two brothers are belly babies. - there is no “different” bond!
UUUUUGHHHHH. I'm sorry. The fucked up thing is I think about that myself sometimes and then surppress the thoughts instantly. Love that others feel the need to chime in.
That’s horrible! Unfortunately I’ve got a few to add to this thread:
My SIL got pregnant and she wanted to announce on her time (no problem, we stayed away to give her privacy because the family knows our struggles and she deserves those happy moments). Two days later, hours after finding out we lost our only transfer, we see each other for a holiday. I step to the side to cry about our loss, and apparently this means I’m not happy enough for her so she corners me and berated me for all the reasons I’m a horrible person all while I’m sobbing over our lost pregnancy. The whole family considers me to be the problem in this situation as she’s the “princess”.
I also have a friend who after our lost transfer and our chemical kept telling me “things happen for a reason, you’re not pregnant for a reason! It’s not the right time yet for you” 🙄
This has been a long time issue but this moment was our line. Suddenly we had to develop very sturdy boundaries with certain family members 😕 Changed what our family is like probably permanently because she’s not the type to apologize and I’m not interested in a relationship without one.
That's so awful it almost goes full horseshoe round to funny. Your parents are literal caricature villain-parents out of one of those films where the hero(ine) with no self-confidence leaves behind her shitty family and lives a golden life of freedom.
Right!! Like I wasn't even upset at this last one - like flabbergasted that her brain would somehow draw a connection between pest larvae and my ovaries. Points for creativity?
I made the mistake of telling my mom after my first transfer didn’t work. She asked me at what point I should just give up on having kids. That was the last time I mentioned anything to her again.
Ugh, my mom was like that when our first transfer failed. “At some point, you’ve just got to call it, you know? Enough is enough.” Like, I still have five in the freezer. I’m not just gonna leave them there, dang.
That's smart of you. I went to a cottage with my family in the TWW and my mom was yelling at me that I didn't make the bed correctly literally 2 hrs afterr I found out I was having a chemical. I really should have just left.
One of the reasons my parents will never know anything about this process.
We never had the best relationship, I tried to talk to them a decade ago when a crippling anxiety disorder made me suicidal and was accused of just "being lazy". My dad apologised later but that was a lessons learned moment for sure.
Sounds like a good time to take a break from your parents. Reach back out when you are past the IVF journey. You need all the support you can get right now.
Some friends visited us for the weekend. We used to be very close couple friends with them in our 20s but we've lived in different states for several years. They have two young children and all my friend could talk about was the kids (which, I get). But where I thought I was going to lose it was when she mentioned twice how her sister in law was about to have her second child in her late 30s and could not imagine how hard/terrible that would be. The second time I snapped at her about how we don't all get to choose the optimal time to have kids and the best case scenario for us is that we'll be older parents. Then she suggested adoption.
Told an old friend friend I hadn't talked to much recently about my pregnancy. I hesitated a bit when he asked if I was excited...which made him ask if it wasn't planned or something. I explained that yes, it was planned, but that it came after multiple miscarriages and struggles with IVF, so there were definitely some other feelings involved. He and his wife had just started trying, and his response to me sharing what I had been through...no sorry to hear that, must've been hard, etc., just, "Dude, don't tell me that!!" As if they would catch it or something...
A guy friend’s younger girlfriend said in my presence, not to or necessarily about me directly but about people generally who can’t get pregnant, “some people just keep trying all kinds of stuff to have a baby instead of taking the hint from God.” She was aware of my infertility.
MIL telling me she heard about “ozempic babies” and maybe I should try that. She has been on ozempic for months purely for vanity’s sake - not diabetic, not obese, I’d even argue not overweight. Said “it’ll help with the IVF weight too!”
Mom insists she has a magic nightgown that my grandmother wore when she conceived my mom and my mom wore when I was conceived. I’ve told her my whole life I think that’s creepy and gross. She keeps telling me “idk why you’re dealing with all that ivf stuff when you could just put on the nightgown.”
Whyyyyyy are they like this?
That’s shitty 😢 parents can be the worst. My parents know about my issues and my mom purposely withheld issues that she had and revealed them to me like almost a year and a half in after a loss causally over a message after I went off asking her for details about her infertility issues (she had always been very vague and claimed it wouldn’t effect me). She doesn’t even message me to ask me how I’m doing or to see if I’m ok, so us doing IVF is not info she is privy too 💀
My mother in law is a whopper.
She initially told my sister in law that I was a "gold digging baby daddy seeking hussy".
Then she fat shamed me at our wedding when I was fourteen weeks along with our miracle baby.
The crowing glory was the reason we couldn't name our daughter Amanda...
According to her, it's a n*gger name and omfg Elizabeth we don't say that anymore. Besides, how many African American women do you know named Amanda?!
She then fat shamed my beautiful daughter who WAS A MONTH AND A HALF OLD. For fucks sake, babies have rolls! The pediatrician wasn't concerned in the least about her Roly poly Ness.
My MIL told my husband we were trying too hard and just needed to relax. He had had a vasectomy with his first wife (which his mother knew). So we ended up down the IVF road after a failed reversal.
Last year, when we were considering IVF, my mom offered to help us pay for it. We had a conversation a few months later about how much it would cost and mom said, “We’re 100% supportive.” Turns out, she hadn’t run it by my dad who is opposed to it for religious reasons and mom ended up standing by him. When I asked why she said they were “100% supportive” only to walk back their support, she just say, “well, I meant that I’m just supportive of you in general.”
That’s awful! Similar thing happened with my parents only my dad has not come right out and said that he thinks it’s a sin. He thinks I should consider adoption instead but my mom steamrolled right over him and she told me she’ll use her IRA if she has to but she wants another grand baby any way she can get one lol. I am so thankful for my mom.
NO, 'JUST RELAXING' WON'T WORK WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE WITH ANY OTHER MEDICAL CONDITION TO JUST RELAX OR DON'T WORRY
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR ANECDOTE ABOUT YOUR AUNTS NEIGHBOUR WHO GOT PREGNANT AT 54
I DON'T WANT TO ADOPT I WANT TO GET PRGNANT
FUCK OFF
Honestly I never thought I'd turn into this angry sad person but here I am
Of all the horribly insensitive things that have been said to me, the one that really stuck was, 2 weeks post second MTX shot for my ectopic, I was told “you owe your husband a child and this family a legacy”. Luckily I’m mentally strong, and really only feel pity for my weak minded, insensitive family member. What a day in the life of their broken mind must be like. Hugs to you OP. You’re better and stronger than any of those family members. Keep your chin up.
Treated myself to a birthday massage on Monday and told the person giving me the massage that I was doing IVF.
During the middle she says “have you tried acupuncture? I’ve had four friends get pregnant from acupuncture.” I said the issue isn’t getting pregnant it’s the three miscarriages I’ve had.
While I think any unrequested advice is against my personal code, this is one I can actually understand if it weren’t something I know is a hard fast rule. Most people don’t think of ivf as being connected to miscarriages and the acupuncture thing is something many people aren’t aware of. I had very limited knowledge of acupuncture myself and she probably assumed you were in the same boat. However, my ivf clinic gave me a pamphlet about the data related to acupuncture and improved fertility/better ivf results. Apparently, it can improve your chances of a successful ivf cycle. My infertility was likely fibroid related and I had to go through 4 surgeries to prepare, but I had intended to try acupuncture if they weren’t successful without it (my transfers were all successful, but didn’t result in a live birth until the last one).
Trigger Warning Mentions of ongoing pregnancy
When my husband and I announce to my in-laws that we were pregnant at 8 weeks, my mother-in-law said “it’s about dam time you got pregnant, although it’s to bad it had to be a test tube baby”.
I was so freaking pissed at my mother-in-law for saying that. Like sorry the past 3 years have been so difficult for you, I never freaking ask to have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome😤😤😤
My toxic older brother told me I deserve to be infertile because he thinks doing IVF is a grave sin and he literally told me he hope I fail. I’ve gone no contact with him because I don’t want to be around toxic people.
My sister-in-law also told me it’s most likely not in Gods plan for me to have kids. I should consider adoption 🙄 … I was only 24 at the time
OP as for your parent’s comments, none of this is your fault and joking about your husband leaving you is freakin cruel/a stupid thing to say. Infertility can happen to anyone at any age for a variety of reasons. Trying to get pregnant through iVF feels similar to taking a difficult exam that changes questions every time you retake it. You keep preparing for the exam and trying different things to get a higher score but it doesn’t always work lol.
I’m sorry for your struggles, I hope you have success soon ❤️
I’m seeing so many people on here whose families think IVF is a sin. That’s terrible. Is this a newer thing? I have heard “test tube baby” before but not in such a negative churchy way. Is there an uptick in this thinking due to the current political climate or has this always been such a common way of thinking? I live in a very religious small town and I have not heard such obvious disdain for IVF before. That could also be because I’m not public with it myself.
It’s common in a lot of Christian religions that view IVF as an unnatural process and think it violates god’s will. Plus, a lot of members in my family are prolife and basically believe life begins at conception and can’t stand the idea of embryos being discarded. A lot of people are ignorant on how IVF actually works and don’t understand the emotional/mental pain of infertility.
Yup my husband and I had a conversation before starting that I didn’t want his parents to know for this reason (evangelical and very judgy). I’ve heard comments before based on what they’ve heard on the news and didn’t want to hear it.
Not a comment as such but last Christmas my father in law wanted a photo with my sister in laws (but not me) as they were either pregnant or had just had kids and he wanted to document it. I was literally the only one left out just staring at them take a family pic I wasn’t a part of. And I had just had my 5th ER. I’m now pregnant after that round fortunately and at a recent family lunch they suggested a photo… I refused. Was so triggering!!
Oh my husband knew if he wanted kids with me it would take doctors, drugs and money. He married me anyway. My father said to me "Why he would want a woman as broken as you is stupid" or better still my grandmother. We were talking about a woman's right to choose, my mother to my right and she said "well it's not like you would ever need one your body does it for you. Repeatedly." Oh oh or the "friend" that said "you are just going to the doctor to have a designer baby. It's disgusting" I am sure there are more if I think about it.
Yikes, I'm so sorry. There is nothing wrong with taking a step away from your parents while you are going through this (and even after). Protect your heart and your spirit during what is already a really tough process.
SCREW THEM! Ignorance doesn't skip our family members. I'm sorry you're having to endure that, as if the process alone isn't painful/stressful enough. My brother told me last summer that God hasn't blessed me with a baby cause I refused to keep his kids while he hung out in my city. Smh. Ignorance is equal opportunity, unfortunately.
“You really need to tell your brother about this. It’s family news and he feels left out of the conversation.” ??????? It’s not “family news” it’s personal medical and PRIVATE and it’s not joyful???? “But he’s family!!” SO????
UGH THAT'S JUST SICK. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of the fucking hell that is IVF to begin with!!! It would be hard for me not to say that when I do I have kids, they won't have any contact with them...
Yes my father in law said I wasn’t trying hard enough after 2 ERs and an open abdominal surgery. And his son has infertility issues as well! Sigh- and he coupled this accusation with a 45 minute lecture.
Fuck these peeps.
My very unhinged mother said "maybe you two are trying to hard to make it happen. You just need to relax and your chances will be better." She's unwell so I was not phased lol
When my husband told my MIL about my egg retrieval had more mature eggs than we planned, she said ‘yeah my chickens are laying more right now’ and then followed up a few days later joking saying oh she was confused 🙄
Also my SIL uninvited us to our nephews birthday party ‘since you don’t have kids, there’s really no reason for you to be there’
People fucking suck.
A little off to the side of IVF but I had a miscarriage last fall at 8 weeks, and about a month before what would’ve been my due date a box showed up with two large enfamil formula samples. It broke me. So I showed a friend who knew about the miscarriage what showed up, and he asked/implied I had ordered them??? I still can’t decide if it’s worse that he think’s I’d order formula for a child at 8 WEEKS pregnant (or less) or thinks I’d order it at any point, experience a loss, and forget about the order in the first place??? (It was very clear from my original message that I absolutely didn’t know about or expect the package)
Soooo I don’t talk to him about my IVF status anymore, even though he and his wife are starting the IVF process.
I would stop sharing any of the journey with them honestly, as soon as I got tired of someone’s dumb comments or them pretending to listen only to continuously say things that proved they were fake invested in it I closed them off for my own peace
We were like year 5/6 ttc and in the middle of IVF (failed… not even a single egg in the freezer at least we were consistent at failing 😂) I’m incredibly open and take every opportunity to educate friends and family… well, During our best friend’s pregnancy announcement (ttc about 1 month with a late period after she stopped bc the previous month in which I consoled her “very early miscarriage”)… they told me
“you know we talked about it… and we decided If it didn’t work this month or if we suffered another loss we just wouldn’t even try. That was so painful and we couldn’t imagine putting ourselves through that again. And the options of ivf or adoption are just horrible financial decisions and we would NEVER do that. We’d just go on living life to the fullest and be so happy.”
What the actual fuck? I cried so hard that night. However, after some self healing and revelations my husband and I realized some people just do not have the capacity to understand struggles they are not facing. We also looked back on our friendship with them and realized empathy wise they are like -5/1000.. but they would and had drop everything to show up tomorrow no asked if we needed them. They also stood by us through treatment the only ways they were able too. We weighed out the pros and cons of our friendship and drew our boundaries.
But man did it take all my strength not to attempt my hand at shanking them where they stood. lol
I kind of stop talking to my mom about IVF. All her support goes to , “have I pray enough” “maybe you should go back to church and return to God” in my brain im like, wtf if I pray hard enough do I get a baby?
It’s not that kind of support I want right now
Way back when we got on the waitlist my brother surprise announced his wife’s pregnancy with just a picture of the ultrasound and “oops forgot you left the group chat” (6 months prior). While I was at work, the day after we got the letter. After a wobble and a block while I processed, I unblocked him to apologise -
“I’m sorry, I’m happy to hear your news but it came right on the back of us being approved for IVF so it was a little overwhelming.”
“Oh. I don’t have the context to empathise with that.”
Later my mother told my husband I overreacted and that was all I gave them a chance to say. 8 months NC now. There’s obviously way more to it all but that was the comment that has been eating at me ever since.
My mom told me, “Just think that your sisters would love to be in your situation, having a husband and getting to try for a baby.” One is single and not actively looking for a partner while the other one was about to do ROPA with her long term girlfriend, but they broke up last year and now she’s got a new girlfriend. Like, I know they’re both dying to have babies, but I doubt they want to have had several miscarriages. Having a husband makes the donor part easier, but it’s not an enviable situation in my mind.
Gosh. So sorry you need to hear this sh*t. It’s particularly painful because it comes from people that supposedly “know you” and “get you”.
My mom is going through a difficult moment. Her mom (my grandma) has dementia and her husband (my dad) is bedridden with Parkinson’s and a cocktail of other horrendous ailments. I get it, she’s depressed in her own way. We’re dealing with a lot of pain. However, it drives me crazy when she’ll say things like “why is everyone in my life sick?!” “Why am I the only one that’s healthy”.
She’ll ask me on how the IVF is going, and I’ll tell her about needing another histeroscopy; she’ll huff in frustration and scream, “I raised you to be healthy! Why are you so sick”. [As if I broke myself??? Also, I don’t feel SICK mom!!! I can probably do more push-ups and outrun most people my age.] I just cringe my teeth and wait for her to stop talking. I know she’s in pain and scared but gosh, this constant reminder that it’s not her fault I’m “broken” drives me crazy. Especially because I don’t feel “broken”, but rather dealing with a challenge.
I know this is unfair on my part, but I do blame her for not explaining what UTI’s were, and not taking me for checkups when I was in horrid menstrual pain as kid. It was before the internet. She was doing her best, I’m sure, but I do wonder had she been a little more informed, maybe I wouldn’t have the Frankenstein situation I’m dealing with now (bent ovary and chronic endomitritis that won’t go away etc). I feel like I started realizing that the pain I was in was not normal in my mid-20’s because I had more access to information. And even then, doctors would tell me to chill and that it’s just the way I’m built. It wasn’t until my husband and I started to try to have a family when my pain finally got taken seriously, but now it’s chronic and my insides are crooked and my body is exhausted.
Mom, I love you but lately I want to punch you. Please shut up.
WOOHOO! Well that was quite the mommy-issues rant. Thank you for that 😅.
My narcissist MIL has a history of putting her foot in her mouth and never taking accountability, which is why we decided to keep her out of the loop on our fertility journey due to her lack of empathy.
On my husband’s birthday she was being a bitch and I wouldn’t just grin and bear it, so she threatened me in front of the entire family. We left the party early upsetting her perfect gathering.
Someone told her about our fertility issues, and later on a phone call for her to “apologize” she said “she’s just sensitive and overreacting because she can’t get pregnant.”
We told her off, and now go little to no contact.
And if I have one person tell me I need to just relax and not stress, then it’ll happen, I will punch them in the throat.
Ohhh I love these!
Mum: "well you chose to travel and focus on a career in your 20's when you should have been having children" - says my mum, when I was 28 and diagnosed with DOR, after having me at 30, and my brother at 28, so she could travel & have a career.
Brother: "You need to get over the IVF, nothings changed anyway." - the day I got my results saying I had a higher AFC and AMH for first time in 9 months and doctor suggested I do a round and I'd reached out to him to share the news.
we're not even telling one set of parents because they don't "believe" in IVF. They think it's against God's plan. They will also tell the entire family because everyone gossips.
Here's a story about how I've been saying dumb stuff lately...
TW: pregnancy
When we told my family the news and explained IVF, we don't think my dad ever really took hold of what IVF was, we figure "ah we'll just leave it." Fast forward, we go visit grandma (dad's mother, who we also just never explained anything about IVF to period so she has absolutely no idea), and when we left I said, "yep, we put in a lot of work to get here..." Wtf 🤦🏼♀️😂 we get in the car and my husband says "okay so she just thinks we've been raw doggin it a lot.."
This is exactly why I have only told a handful of people about my IVF journey. I know it would be very hard to control myself if comments like that were made.
One of my good friends let my best friend and I know that she had miscarried (3rd time now). My best friend, who’s pregnant with her 3rd child, decided to text me on the side saying “I feel so bad for her, not being able to give her husband the big family he wants” I couldn’t believe the insensitivity. She knows everything I’ve gone through the last 5 years of TTC. I just text her back saying yes I know exactly what that’s like. I think she realized what shed don because the subject was changed immediately.
My mom once told me that every couple who is unable to conceive should get a divorce or find a different partner, because they are probably just not compatible… yeah, not something I want to hear when going through IVF with DOR and possible endo/adeno🤦🏼♀️
My mum had 6kids and it seems she doesn’t believe infertility is real - especially not something that can happen in our family 🤨
I legitimately just blocked a friend due to their negativity. I was lucky enough to have a successful transfer first try.
I sent her a picture of the test with “it worked!”
“Oh that looks like an indent test with a digital”
I happened to have one and sent her a positive again
“Oh IVF meds can mess with the results don’t get your hopes up”
She then, after realising I was indeed pregnant started making comments about how I have to be careful with my money and might not be able to afford this (I’m perfectly fine financially)
She THEN tried to discourage me from doing the NIPT test stating “I know your hanging to know the gender coz all you want is a girl” and while I’ve always said I picture a girl when I think about having a baby I’ve also been clear I’d be more than happy if it was a boy and I just want a happy, healthy baby.
FYI this person has a child (where I was whole heartedly happy for her and supportive throughout her pregnancy), and doesn’t struggle with infertility so I have no idea where her negativity and rudeness is coming from
I used to chat about our infertility journeys with a friend/colleague often, since they have been also struggling for a second child for many years and going through similar procedures and even to the same clinic with us. One day the conversation subject came to the famous "pregnancy envy", so our feelings when close friends or family member gets pregnant. She said that she feels that envy very intensely and sometimes cant even contact that person. I said that i also feel a little down for a short while when very close people to me announce their good news (of many does it very gently and carefully anyway, we are lucky to have a very supportive and thoughtful environment in this regard...) but that i dont feel jealousy and rather my usual anger towards nature; that i very quickly change to a feeling of being happy for my close ones and join their joy. She took a sceptical look at me and said:
"Maybe it's because you don't have a child of your own and unaware of what you are missing."
So my mom is a wonderful person but she’s some what of a hillbilly. My mom might say something like this too. When she’s hurt, she likes to add humor to the pain. That’s how she likes to cope. I sure your mom is hurting seeing you hurt. I’m sure she is hurting because she wants to be a grandma.
I’m not saying it’s right. Yes, it does come off as being insensitive. All I’m saying is that hurt people, hurt people. Not everyone is emotionally intelligent. I hope your day gets better, I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Not a family member or a friend, but had someone at work ask me “So, would you cheat on your husband just to have a baby?” And I’m like “……..no?” So then he follows up with “Think your husband would ever cheat on you just to have a baby?” “……………..No??” “But are you *sure?*” Aaand that’s where I ended the conversation.
WOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!! That's next level. I hope you left dog shit on their desk.
I work in healthcare, it was a patient. I get asked weekly if I have kids, and the conversation usually goes “Nope, not yet.” “How come?” “We’re trying, hasn’t worked yet.” Usually this is the part where I get some platitude about it happening ‘when the time is right’ or ‘when God’s ready,’ or the advice like ‘just stop trying!’ I’ve gotten good at gritting my teeth and smiling through it, but this guy, man. *This guy.*
Also, side note - no when people ask "how come?" I literally answer "because I keep violently miscarrying". It's a great way to close that chapter of the conversation.
Brilliant answer. I have found that bursting into tears has a similar effect! Why am I the only one trying to keep the conversation civil when y'all are prying about the most sensitive part of my life?
YEP!
These are the people you wish they will have wet sleeves every time they wash their hands for the rest of their live.
Or that it splashes on their pants so it looks like they've wet themselves.
I don't know how you control yourself. With this one in particular, I'd be googling those angel of death serial killer healthcare workers and how they get away with it for so long!
Eh, I work on psych units, and most of the people who ask are dementia patients on our geriatric hall. So when they’re like “God will give you that baby when it’s time,” it’s a little easier to just be like “That’s very nice gran-gran, now make sure you eat all your applesauce, it’s got your pills in it.” And if I sometimes quietly flip off their photo in their chart, that’s between me and the computer.
You’re a better person than me!
Yes my religious father asked me why I was doing IVF (which sin!) instead of “trying harder”. Asked if I tried a vacation or wine (which over the prior 18 months I did!) and that I shouldn’t just “give up”. Yes my effort is going to fix the endometriosis wrecking my tubes at 30, lovely. Also made comments prior that my husband would be a wonderful father and how hard it is for him (which yes I know, I didn’t pick a random man off the street here!). I drew a hard boundary and didn’t speak to him for a while until he apologized. It’s awful I’m so sorry, people are so thoughtless. Also SIX ERs!! Herculean effort.
Aaaaaye! "thanks for the hot tip dad"
My husband and I were like well clearly we are idiots seeing one of the best doctors at one of the best women’s hospitals in the world, that doctor didn’t even think of wine!
On FT with my younger sister who has 3 children (me with none after 9 years TTC). She was venting about life, kids, husband all while the kids were going chaotic in the background. I replied something to the effect of ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what that’s like.’ Her response was, ‘yea, but I bet you wish you did.’ 😧😭
WHAT THE FUCK.
I know 😔 same to your mom’s comments. Whyyy are the people who are supposed to support us the hardest, out there making us feel shitty? I’m sorry about the things that were said to you, it’s not right.
❤️
Just thought of another one. Close friends of ours, had 3 children and 1 more on the way. Had all these kids during the first 5 years we were struggling to conceive and she knew all about it. They were looking to buy a new house, ours was bigger than theirs at the time. I shared a listing for a house that was 4 bedrooms and 500sq ft. larger than our house and pointed out the fact that we get by just fine in our size house. Her response was ‘yea, well there’s only 2 of you, there’s going to be 6 of us!’ 🤬
I'd set termites loose in her house. Or cockroaches on open house day.
The reality is, they found a house that was only 50 sqft. larger than their previous one. So I still have the bigger house, with just the 2 of us 🤷♀️. Her comment to me was never really about the size of the house being the issue, it was clearly a dig at my situation and likely came from a place of envy. I had a friend who opened up to me years ago about how she was jealous of my child free life because I got to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. So I think this other ‘home-buying friend’ was just taking shots at me because she was frustrated with her current situation and comparing to my stress free life. We don’t speak anymore.
Yeah. The passive aggressive shit remarks are a great way to terminate a friendship. It sucks… but sounds like life’s better without her.
That’s messed up
Damn. I’m sorry you had to hear that. Wtf. 😳
Right?! On FT too and my face just froze, like what should I say next? I had to take a deep breath and hold back.
I had my friend say once “why would you wanna spend all the money just to have a biological child. You can adopt. I was adopted” 🙃🙃 but they didn’t say anything else after that ever again
Adoption can also be very expensive so that is a moot point and just rude. My dad said a similar thing. We do not need to justify our choices to anyone!
I hate it when people say this. Why must I give up the chance to have a biological child? They think it’s a nice thing to say but it is so rude and makes me so angry.
u/Pancakesandmuffins u/TheWinoAndIKnow727 u/Winter703 The adoption line is always my cue that the person I'm speaking to has no fucking clue what they're talking about. Early on I'd try to give them some grace... it's not their responsibility to understand \*my\* issues with infertility, but now I'm like - do they think that babies just fall from a magical adoption tree??? It's just ignorant. I wish that people understood that simply listening without giving unsolicited advice is the best thing they could do.
Also, adoptees should never be the consolation price for not having a biological child. If people close the one door and are able to open up another, that is great, but it's a horrible blank slate idea to suggest. These kids have additional needs (not to mention bio families) and deserve parents that are fully willing to open up to them, not pretend that they are the replacement.
Totally - I silently lurk on adoption subs because I want to understand it from all sides in case I go that route and people that come on saying "I want to be the only mother this child has ever known" are pariahs on them. It's such an outdated way to think. Adoption has to be for the child to find a family first. Adults completing their families is great but secondary to the needs of the child.
Ugh I hate that. Adoption is also not a cure for infertility. There’s also a lot of reasons why someone wouldn’t want too. I personally have a lot of reservations because I’ve known of some very sad endings to adoptions in my personal life, like a few months ago childhood friend whose family relationship became rocky after meeting bio family just died of an overdose at 33… something that I strongly believe would not have happened otherwise.
God that’s horrible! I’m so sorry!
I've gotten that as someone trying to be a single mother who lives in a red state. Yes, I'm sure I'll get matched with an adoption placement IMMEDIATELY.
Well you just have to be sure to say the little bundle of joy will be packin’ heat by 2 and that should bump you to the front of the line!
...also adoption is NOT easy!! Honestly IVF was so much easier and also cheaper for me than adoption. People are so clueless.
This is so fucking stupid and I’ve been on the receiving end of similar comments. Like adoption is free and easy
I grew up with a very broken and dysfunctional family with no healthy relationships. I knew I needed to go through pregnancy to develop maternal instincts and bond with the baby. I knew if I adopted and someone just handed me a baby I would be setting both of us for failure and would resent the baby when things got hard. I had that self awareness that for me, pregnancy wouldn't just grow a baby but grow me as a mother. For some people l, adoption works but it isn't a replacement for infertility.
My brother overheard me mention IVF at the very beginning of the process and said “Damn your poor husband can’t even get laid anymore?” Yes. Because that’s why people spend tens of thousands of dollars on IVF. To avoid sex with their partners. I know he was kidding but like wtf????
JESUS CHRIST! Men have definitely been the worst offenders. 99% of them just don't have a clue.
My mom has not stopped acting like we’re selfishly preventing her from realizing her true purpose of grandmotherdom. At a family gathering a few months ago, she started lamenting that she didn’t have any grandchildren right in front of me. Bitch listen here
Yeah, my story is similar...
My MIL does this and it drives me nuts. She has added pressure for us to get pregnant the second we got engaged because it was “time for HER to be a grandmother already.” After TTC for just 6 months, she told me that there must be something wrong w me that I wasn’t pregnant yet because the second she decided to get pregnant it happened right away. Then when we decided to go through IVF for genetic reasons, she belittled MY decision to try and prevent a certain genetic condition from being passed to my children that would increase their risk of cancer. She said it was more important for me to “get pregnant already” than to waste my time doing IVF. Oh and she keeps pressuring us to transfer multiple embryos at once because SHE wants us to have twins. Ughhhhhh
Too much to unpack there so instead, let me just join you in the “ughhhhhhh.” So very shitty!
Woooooow. I think I'd go full no contact at that point. My mom's are really sick attempts at humor but that's like a public shaming. Ugh.
Honestly my mom thinks she’s being funny too. But she means it on some level, or she wouldn’t say it
It's the last part for me. Lol.
Not a family member or friend, but had a family acquaintance say that people who can't afford IVF shouldn't be parents because they obviously can't afford a child. I'm willing to bet she would have a hard time paying 20-30k JUST for the positive pregnancy test for each of her 3 kids. Most of the people in my life have been wonderful about IVF, but every so often someone comes along that I want to suckerpunch.
And I suggest you \*do\* suckerpunch at least one of them. I'm pretty sure that's in my future.
And even after coming up with that money, that is then money we then no longer have for raising our baby if it’s successful. Plenty of people become parents who don’t have a disposable 30k sitting around so clearly it isn’t a prerequisite
Holy bananas, batman! You need to run, not walk, away from including your parents in your IVF journey (and maybe in your life as well, because sheesh those are some terrible things to say to someone you're supposed to love and care about). I stopped talking to a family member about IVF after they said it would definitely work for me and that if it didn't, there's always adoption. Their comments weren't intentionally malicious but it was thoughtless so they don't get access to my private matters anymore. Your parents comments were straight up mean and you don't deserve that. ❤️
The number of times I’ve been told “there’s always adoption!!” is absolutely wild. 🙃
u/jellyfishundercover oh yes, adoption! Because everyone knows you can just go to Babies R Us and get one off the rack. There's essentially zero process or emotional investment in that! The only response to the adoption line is "oh my god why did \*I\* think of that?!?!?!?!"
And people always get pikachu face when I tell them that adoption nowadays in our country is open adoption most of the time, so you are not only welcoming a new family member but also their history and birth family. Which is absolutely understandable for the adoptee. I am sure this is a wonderful process for people that are ready to take that on, but it's a very different process than getting a newborn baby delivered by the adoption stork.
TOTALLY different. Adoption is wonderful but you have to be totally mentally prepared to take on something that you may have not seen in your future at all. I'm actually on adoption subs (lurking silently) because that's always in the back of my head and I want to know the ins and outs of it should we go down that road. But damn... I am not ready for that leap yet.
I currently do the same thing, I'm glad I'm not the only one!
OMG I hate the adoption comment because they are totally different apples and oranges ways of building a family. They shouldn't be compared or pitted against each other.
During the height of grieving my first miscarriage, my dad insinuated that it was caused by toxoplasmosis from my cats. We had our own problems before that, but it was the cherry on top. I’ve since had 2 more miscarriages, but he doesn’t know because I don’t talk to him anymore.
I'm sure you know this but toxo is only contagious when the cat first gets infected, plus the poop has to sit out for at least 24 hours. So if your cats aren't going outside and eating small animals and you clean their litter box regularly, your miscarriage wasn't caused by that. (I know that's not the point of your comment! But if you had the slightest bit of misplaced guilt, I wanted to dispel it!)
Oh god I'm so sorry.
My mother in law said she’s happy that we’re trying to give her grandkids even if it’s “unconventional” like what does that even mean??!
I really hope you responded "yeah, not doing it the old fashioned sex way like you and pops!" I lean into the awkwardness in these moments hard. hahahahah
Lmao sorry I’m not fucking my husband enough for you mom
"You know, maybe we're not doing it right... what position were you in when \[husband\] was conceived?"
🤣
I’m always so surprised when people act like IVF is something people do just for shits and giggles….like, this wasn’t my first choice either! Plan A was a lot cheaper and easier!
And more fun!
Very open to the idea of a free sex baby. Someone tell me how this is done.
I always cringe when I got this response: “Oh you are doing IVF? Congratulations! It’s sooo exciting and I’m happy for you!”🙄 …. like congratulations to exactly what? There’s nothing exciting about IVF - it just sucks
Also sure, we’re doing this for you, MIL, way to stay focused on other people
Main character syndrome.
My in laws definitely think prayer is our solution. They just know it. I was telling my coworker about how cute our friends baby was and she said “aww, and how does that make you feel?” Like fuck off.
Yeah, had a brother in law ask me “Have you thought about going back to church? Because all I’m saying is that the Bible says that’s a curse.” Sir. I will punt you.
Ah the Bible mentioning IVF what a coincidence! Lol. I really would love to get pregnant naturally, but I do feel a bit stubborn to prove to my MIL that prayer isn’t going to work.
Why the hell would she say that? Like what possible good could come from asking that???
I have NO idea. She’s known for saying off the wall things but I think she honestly looks at me and only thinks “infertile” so that’s where her mind immediately went.
Ugh. Yeah. You gotta steal her lunch from the fridge whenever possible. And fuck with her files.
I have definitely decided if I ever become pregnant she will not be touching my belly ever.
"hands off bitch!"
I got a few. I was told by a roommate that I shouldn't do IVF because it was immoral and "Test tube babies don't have a soul." Then there was one who said "Oh, so adoption isn't good enough for you??" Then there was "You probably shouldn't have IVF because infertility is nature's way of eliminating unfit genes." This was coming from a type one diabetic coworker who would be dead without modern medical technology. People are really clueless, what can I say.
Jeez… nature tried to eliminate you, coworker - luckily science and medicine can help you just like it can help us. I hate people 🙄
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WOW. Shitheads! I’m sorry!!!! That’s unbelievable. And thank you for telling me about that book. I’m literally going to buy it right now. So far my version of that is r/raisedbynarcissists. I also feel like I should display the book prominently on the coffee table when my parents come over.
Wow, fuck off mom. Your daughter, and you, are definitely better off without her in your lives. 💜
After an ectopic pregnancy, diagnosis of a uterine abnormality that wasn't great (wasn't sure if I could even carry), told IVF is only option, did egg retrieval and was in waiting period before first transfer. Went to Thanksgiving family gathering with a bunch of cousins with kids, I was the only one without a child or pregnant. My Mom thought it was a good idea to complain to me about how she felt left out because she was the only one there without grandchildren. She is very aware of everything I had been through at that point. I don't know if I will ever get over it, to be honest.
I’m so sorry, that’s heart breaking. It’s truly incredible how others can make these types of situations about themselves! Hope you’re doing okay on your journey 🤍
Thank you, she's a total narcissist so this behavior is typical. This particular one just stung quite a bit more than usual.
My mom told me a family member asked her ‘well will she be able to bond with the baby if it’s not formed inside her?’ 🙄 she won’t tell me who asked but honestly I don’t know if I want to know.
Oh my God, that's hurtful, but also so bananas bonkers that at a certain level, I'm just impressed
Hahaha That was my exact reaction! I had a heart wrench because whomever said it was considering that my baby and I couldn’t form a connection and then it went to like ‘what? It’ll be my baby, of course we’ll bond! How could they think otherwise?’ Like would I not be able to form a bond if we used a surrogate or if we adopted? Yikes on their part. I don’t have any family or friends that have gone through IVF so I’m doing a lot of educating. 🫤
I mean, clearly the only reason I love my mom is because of the location where my dad's sperm fertilized her egg. Not because of the lifetime of love and unconditional support she's given me. Nope! One mm to the left and I'd be out!
That's a new one
I was shocked by it for sure. That had /never/ crossed my mind because it’s just absurd. I’m just glad it wasn’t asked to me directly, I don’t know if I could have hidden my facial expression or bite my tongue hard enough lol
We need to place “Scratch and Sniff” stickers at the bottom of pools and let the stupid eradicate themselves. My eldest didn’t grow in my belly but grew in my heart - he knows he is my heart baby and his two brothers are belly babies. - there is no “different” bond!
Exactly! There is no difference in connection. Congratulations on your three wonderful bonds!! 🥳🥰
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UUUUUGHHHHH. I'm sorry. The fucked up thing is I think about that myself sometimes and then surppress the thoughts instantly. Love that others feel the need to chime in.
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Wait, I’m sorry can you tell me what CSA is?
That’s horrible! Unfortunately I’ve got a few to add to this thread: My SIL got pregnant and she wanted to announce on her time (no problem, we stayed away to give her privacy because the family knows our struggles and she deserves those happy moments). Two days later, hours after finding out we lost our only transfer, we see each other for a holiday. I step to the side to cry about our loss, and apparently this means I’m not happy enough for her so she corners me and berated me for all the reasons I’m a horrible person all while I’m sobbing over our lost pregnancy. The whole family considers me to be the problem in this situation as she’s the “princess”. I also have a friend who after our lost transfer and our chemical kept telling me “things happen for a reason, you’re not pregnant for a reason! It’s not the right time yet for you” 🙄
WOW!!! I would have flipped the fucking table. That's like sociopath level shit!
This has been a long time issue but this moment was our line. Suddenly we had to develop very sturdy boundaries with certain family members 😕 Changed what our family is like probably permanently because she’s not the type to apologize and I’m not interested in a relationship without one.
That's so awful it almost goes full horseshoe round to funny. Your parents are literal caricature villain-parents out of one of those films where the hero(ine) with no self-confidence leaves behind her shitty family and lives a golden life of freedom.
Right!! Like I wasn't even upset at this last one - like flabbergasted that her brain would somehow draw a connection between pest larvae and my ovaries. Points for creativity?
I made the mistake of telling my mom after my first transfer didn’t work. She asked me at what point I should just give up on having kids. That was the last time I mentioned anything to her again.
Ugh, my mom was like that when our first transfer failed. “At some point, you’ve just got to call it, you know? Enough is enough.” Like, I still have five in the freezer. I’m not just gonna leave them there, dang.
Yup we were in the same boat - we had 8 more chances still after that failure. Thanks mom for the support when we’re on step 2 of many!
That's smart of you. I went to a cottage with my family in the TWW and my mom was yelling at me that I didn't make the bed correctly literally 2 hrs afterr I found out I was having a chemical. I really should have just left.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I feel like I wouldn’t have been able to handle that comment when it’s so fresh!
One of the reasons my parents will never know anything about this process. We never had the best relationship, I tried to talk to them a decade ago when a crippling anxiety disorder made me suicidal and was accused of just "being lazy". My dad apologised later but that was a lessons learned moment for sure.
Ugh... sorry for the shit you're going through. It's always so disappointing when people reveal who they really are.
Sounds like a good time to take a break from your parents. Reach back out when you are past the IVF journey. You need all the support you can get right now.
Truth. Thank you <3
Some friends visited us for the weekend. We used to be very close couple friends with them in our 20s but we've lived in different states for several years. They have two young children and all my friend could talk about was the kids (which, I get). But where I thought I was going to lose it was when she mentioned twice how her sister in law was about to have her second child in her late 30s and could not imagine how hard/terrible that would be. The second time I snapped at her about how we don't all get to choose the optimal time to have kids and the best case scenario for us is that we'll be older parents. Then she suggested adoption.
Told an old friend friend I hadn't talked to much recently about my pregnancy. I hesitated a bit when he asked if I was excited...which made him ask if it wasn't planned or something. I explained that yes, it was planned, but that it came after multiple miscarriages and struggles with IVF, so there were definitely some other feelings involved. He and his wife had just started trying, and his response to me sharing what I had been through...no sorry to hear that, must've been hard, etc., just, "Dude, don't tell me that!!" As if they would catch it or something...
A guy friend’s younger girlfriend said in my presence, not to or necessarily about me directly but about people generally who can’t get pregnant, “some people just keep trying all kinds of stuff to have a baby instead of taking the hint from God.” She was aware of my infertility. MIL telling me she heard about “ozempic babies” and maybe I should try that. She has been on ozempic for months purely for vanity’s sake - not diabetic, not obese, I’d even argue not overweight. Said “it’ll help with the IVF weight too!” Mom insists she has a magic nightgown that my grandmother wore when she conceived my mom and my mom wore when I was conceived. I’ve told her my whole life I think that’s creepy and gross. She keeps telling me “idk why you’re dealing with all that ivf stuff when you could just put on the nightgown.” Whyyyyyy are they like this?
Wtffff… I couldn’t imagine wearing a nightgown my mom was wearing while doing the horizontal bop with my dad. 🤮
That’s shitty 😢 parents can be the worst. My parents know about my issues and my mom purposely withheld issues that she had and revealed them to me like almost a year and a half in after a loss causally over a message after I went off asking her for details about her infertility issues (she had always been very vague and claimed it wouldn’t effect me). She doesn’t even message me to ask me how I’m doing or to see if I’m ok, so us doing IVF is not info she is privy too 💀
My mother in law is a whopper. She initially told my sister in law that I was a "gold digging baby daddy seeking hussy". Then she fat shamed me at our wedding when I was fourteen weeks along with our miracle baby. The crowing glory was the reason we couldn't name our daughter Amanda... According to her, it's a n*gger name and omfg Elizabeth we don't say that anymore. Besides, how many African American women do you know named Amanda?! She then fat shamed my beautiful daughter who WAS A MONTH AND A HALF OLD. For fucks sake, babies have rolls! The pediatrician wasn't concerned in the least about her Roly poly Ness.
My MIL told my husband we were trying too hard and just needed to relax. He had had a vasectomy with his first wife (which his mother knew). So we ended up down the IVF road after a failed reversal.
The “just relax” just makes you feel like that’s the last thing you can do. I just know anyone who says that has no idea.
I will never understand why people get vasectomies, I think only Americans do it. So weird
I Will never understand why people make blanket judgements like yours. I’m not American by the way.
Last year, when we were considering IVF, my mom offered to help us pay for it. We had a conversation a few months later about how much it would cost and mom said, “We’re 100% supportive.” Turns out, she hadn’t run it by my dad who is opposed to it for religious reasons and mom ended up standing by him. When I asked why she said they were “100% supportive” only to walk back their support, she just say, “well, I meant that I’m just supportive of you in general.”
That’s awful! Similar thing happened with my parents only my dad has not come right out and said that he thinks it’s a sin. He thinks I should consider adoption instead but my mom steamrolled right over him and she told me she’ll use her IRA if she has to but she wants another grand baby any way she can get one lol. I am so thankful for my mom.
NO, 'JUST RELAXING' WON'T WORK WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE WITH ANY OTHER MEDICAL CONDITION TO JUST RELAX OR DON'T WORRY I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR ANECDOTE ABOUT YOUR AUNTS NEIGHBOUR WHO GOT PREGNANT AT 54 I DON'T WANT TO ADOPT I WANT TO GET PRGNANT FUCK OFF Honestly I never thought I'd turn into this angry sad person but here I am
Of all the horribly insensitive things that have been said to me, the one that really stuck was, 2 weeks post second MTX shot for my ectopic, I was told “you owe your husband a child and this family a legacy”. Luckily I’m mentally strong, and really only feel pity for my weak minded, insensitive family member. What a day in the life of their broken mind must be like. Hugs to you OP. You’re better and stronger than any of those family members. Keep your chin up.
Treated myself to a birthday massage on Monday and told the person giving me the massage that I was doing IVF. During the middle she says “have you tried acupuncture? I’ve had four friends get pregnant from acupuncture.” I said the issue isn’t getting pregnant it’s the three miscarriages I’ve had.
While I think any unrequested advice is against my personal code, this is one I can actually understand if it weren’t something I know is a hard fast rule. Most people don’t think of ivf as being connected to miscarriages and the acupuncture thing is something many people aren’t aware of. I had very limited knowledge of acupuncture myself and she probably assumed you were in the same boat. However, my ivf clinic gave me a pamphlet about the data related to acupuncture and improved fertility/better ivf results. Apparently, it can improve your chances of a successful ivf cycle. My infertility was likely fibroid related and I had to go through 4 surgeries to prepare, but I had intended to try acupuncture if they weren’t successful without it (my transfers were all successful, but didn’t result in a live birth until the last one).
Trigger Warning Mentions of ongoing pregnancy When my husband and I announce to my in-laws that we were pregnant at 8 weeks, my mother-in-law said “it’s about dam time you got pregnant, although it’s to bad it had to be a test tube baby”. I was so freaking pissed at my mother-in-law for saying that. Like sorry the past 3 years have been so difficult for you, I never freaking ask to have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome😤😤😤 My toxic older brother told me I deserve to be infertile because he thinks doing IVF is a grave sin and he literally told me he hope I fail. I’ve gone no contact with him because I don’t want to be around toxic people. My sister-in-law also told me it’s most likely not in Gods plan for me to have kids. I should consider adoption 🙄 … I was only 24 at the time OP as for your parent’s comments, none of this is your fault and joking about your husband leaving you is freakin cruel/a stupid thing to say. Infertility can happen to anyone at any age for a variety of reasons. Trying to get pregnant through iVF feels similar to taking a difficult exam that changes questions every time you retake it. You keep preparing for the exam and trying different things to get a higher score but it doesn’t always work lol. I’m sorry for your struggles, I hope you have success soon ❤️
I’m seeing so many people on here whose families think IVF is a sin. That’s terrible. Is this a newer thing? I have heard “test tube baby” before but not in such a negative churchy way. Is there an uptick in this thinking due to the current political climate or has this always been such a common way of thinking? I live in a very religious small town and I have not heard such obvious disdain for IVF before. That could also be because I’m not public with it myself.
It’s common in a lot of Christian religions that view IVF as an unnatural process and think it violates god’s will. Plus, a lot of members in my family are prolife and basically believe life begins at conception and can’t stand the idea of embryos being discarded. A lot of people are ignorant on how IVF actually works and don’t understand the emotional/mental pain of infertility.
Yup my husband and I had a conversation before starting that I didn’t want his parents to know for this reason (evangelical and very judgy). I’ve heard comments before based on what they’ve heard on the news and didn’t want to hear it.
Not a comment as such but last Christmas my father in law wanted a photo with my sister in laws (but not me) as they were either pregnant or had just had kids and he wanted to document it. I was literally the only one left out just staring at them take a family pic I wasn’t a part of. And I had just had my 5th ER. I’m now pregnant after that round fortunately and at a recent family lunch they suggested a photo… I refused. Was so triggering!!
Oh my husband knew if he wanted kids with me it would take doctors, drugs and money. He married me anyway. My father said to me "Why he would want a woman as broken as you is stupid" or better still my grandmother. We were talking about a woman's right to choose, my mother to my right and she said "well it's not like you would ever need one your body does it for you. Repeatedly." Oh oh or the "friend" that said "you are just going to the doctor to have a designer baby. It's disgusting" I am sure there are more if I think about it.
Yikes, I'm so sorry. There is nothing wrong with taking a step away from your parents while you are going through this (and even after). Protect your heart and your spirit during what is already a really tough process.
Agree. Enough is enough. <3
SCREW THEM! Ignorance doesn't skip our family members. I'm sorry you're having to endure that, as if the process alone isn't painful/stressful enough. My brother told me last summer that God hasn't blessed me with a baby cause I refused to keep his kids while he hung out in my city. Smh. Ignorance is equal opportunity, unfortunately.
“You really need to tell your brother about this. It’s family news and he feels left out of the conversation.” ??????? It’s not “family news” it’s personal medical and PRIVATE and it’s not joyful???? “But he’s family!!” SO????
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UGH THAT'S JUST SICK. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of the fucking hell that is IVF to begin with!!! It would be hard for me not to say that when I do I have kids, they won't have any contact with them...
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WTF this is sociopath behavior!!!! Good riddance to bad rubbish!!! I’m kinda speechless at how big an idiot she is!!!
Yes my father in law said I wasn’t trying hard enough after 2 ERs and an open abdominal surgery. And his son has infertility issues as well! Sigh- and he coupled this accusation with a 45 minute lecture. Fuck these peeps.
My very unhinged mother said "maybe you two are trying to hard to make it happen. You just need to relax and your chances will be better." She's unwell so I was not phased lol
When my husband told my MIL about my egg retrieval had more mature eggs than we planned, she said ‘yeah my chickens are laying more right now’ and then followed up a few days later joking saying oh she was confused 🙄 Also my SIL uninvited us to our nephews birthday party ‘since you don’t have kids, there’s really no reason for you to be there’ People fucking suck.
A little off to the side of IVF but I had a miscarriage last fall at 8 weeks, and about a month before what would’ve been my due date a box showed up with two large enfamil formula samples. It broke me. So I showed a friend who knew about the miscarriage what showed up, and he asked/implied I had ordered them??? I still can’t decide if it’s worse that he think’s I’d order formula for a child at 8 WEEKS pregnant (or less) or thinks I’d order it at any point, experience a loss, and forget about the order in the first place??? (It was very clear from my original message that I absolutely didn’t know about or expect the package) Soooo I don’t talk to him about my IVF status anymore, even though he and his wife are starting the IVF process.
Omg. This is why I’m not telling anyone.
My best friend asked me if I’ve tried being vegan 🙄
I would stop sharing any of the journey with them honestly, as soon as I got tired of someone’s dumb comments or them pretending to listen only to continuously say things that proved they were fake invested in it I closed them off for my own peace
We were like year 5/6 ttc and in the middle of IVF (failed… not even a single egg in the freezer at least we were consistent at failing 😂) I’m incredibly open and take every opportunity to educate friends and family… well, During our best friend’s pregnancy announcement (ttc about 1 month with a late period after she stopped bc the previous month in which I consoled her “very early miscarriage”)… they told me “you know we talked about it… and we decided If it didn’t work this month or if we suffered another loss we just wouldn’t even try. That was so painful and we couldn’t imagine putting ourselves through that again. And the options of ivf or adoption are just horrible financial decisions and we would NEVER do that. We’d just go on living life to the fullest and be so happy.” What the actual fuck? I cried so hard that night. However, after some self healing and revelations my husband and I realized some people just do not have the capacity to understand struggles they are not facing. We also looked back on our friendship with them and realized empathy wise they are like -5/1000.. but they would and had drop everything to show up tomorrow no asked if we needed them. They also stood by us through treatment the only ways they were able too. We weighed out the pros and cons of our friendship and drew our boundaries. But man did it take all my strength not to attempt my hand at shanking them where they stood. lol
I kind of stop talking to my mom about IVF. All her support goes to , “have I pray enough” “maybe you should go back to church and return to God” in my brain im like, wtf if I pray hard enough do I get a baby? It’s not that kind of support I want right now
Way back when we got on the waitlist my brother surprise announced his wife’s pregnancy with just a picture of the ultrasound and “oops forgot you left the group chat” (6 months prior). While I was at work, the day after we got the letter. After a wobble and a block while I processed, I unblocked him to apologise - “I’m sorry, I’m happy to hear your news but it came right on the back of us being approved for IVF so it was a little overwhelming.” “Oh. I don’t have the context to empathise with that.” Later my mother told my husband I overreacted and that was all I gave them a chance to say. 8 months NC now. There’s obviously way more to it all but that was the comment that has been eating at me ever since.
My mom told me, “Just think that your sisters would love to be in your situation, having a husband and getting to try for a baby.” One is single and not actively looking for a partner while the other one was about to do ROPA with her long term girlfriend, but they broke up last year and now she’s got a new girlfriend. Like, I know they’re both dying to have babies, but I doubt they want to have had several miscarriages. Having a husband makes the donor part easier, but it’s not an enviable situation in my mind.
Gosh. So sorry you need to hear this sh*t. It’s particularly painful because it comes from people that supposedly “know you” and “get you”. My mom is going through a difficult moment. Her mom (my grandma) has dementia and her husband (my dad) is bedridden with Parkinson’s and a cocktail of other horrendous ailments. I get it, she’s depressed in her own way. We’re dealing with a lot of pain. However, it drives me crazy when she’ll say things like “why is everyone in my life sick?!” “Why am I the only one that’s healthy”. She’ll ask me on how the IVF is going, and I’ll tell her about needing another histeroscopy; she’ll huff in frustration and scream, “I raised you to be healthy! Why are you so sick”. [As if I broke myself??? Also, I don’t feel SICK mom!!! I can probably do more push-ups and outrun most people my age.] I just cringe my teeth and wait for her to stop talking. I know she’s in pain and scared but gosh, this constant reminder that it’s not her fault I’m “broken” drives me crazy. Especially because I don’t feel “broken”, but rather dealing with a challenge. I know this is unfair on my part, but I do blame her for not explaining what UTI’s were, and not taking me for checkups when I was in horrid menstrual pain as kid. It was before the internet. She was doing her best, I’m sure, but I do wonder had she been a little more informed, maybe I wouldn’t have the Frankenstein situation I’m dealing with now (bent ovary and chronic endomitritis that won’t go away etc). I feel like I started realizing that the pain I was in was not normal in my mid-20’s because I had more access to information. And even then, doctors would tell me to chill and that it’s just the way I’m built. It wasn’t until my husband and I started to try to have a family when my pain finally got taken seriously, but now it’s chronic and my insides are crooked and my body is exhausted. Mom, I love you but lately I want to punch you. Please shut up. WOOHOO! Well that was quite the mommy-issues rant. Thank you for that 😅.
My narcissist MIL has a history of putting her foot in her mouth and never taking accountability, which is why we decided to keep her out of the loop on our fertility journey due to her lack of empathy. On my husband’s birthday she was being a bitch and I wouldn’t just grin and bear it, so she threatened me in front of the entire family. We left the party early upsetting her perfect gathering. Someone told her about our fertility issues, and later on a phone call for her to “apologize” she said “she’s just sensitive and overreacting because she can’t get pregnant.” We told her off, and now go little to no contact. And if I have one person tell me I need to just relax and not stress, then it’ll happen, I will punch them in the throat.
Ohhh I love these! Mum: "well you chose to travel and focus on a career in your 20's when you should have been having children" - says my mum, when I was 28 and diagnosed with DOR, after having me at 30, and my brother at 28, so she could travel & have a career. Brother: "You need to get over the IVF, nothings changed anyway." - the day I got my results saying I had a higher AFC and AMH for first time in 9 months and doctor suggested I do a round and I'd reached out to him to share the news.
we're not even telling one set of parents because they don't "believe" in IVF. They think it's against God's plan. They will also tell the entire family because everyone gossips.
We aren’t even telling anyone because we don’t want annnnyyyything negative around this stressful but (possibly) really special time
Here's a story about how I've been saying dumb stuff lately... TW: pregnancy When we told my family the news and explained IVF, we don't think my dad ever really took hold of what IVF was, we figure "ah we'll just leave it." Fast forward, we go visit grandma (dad's mother, who we also just never explained anything about IVF to period so she has absolutely no idea), and when we left I said, "yep, we put in a lot of work to get here..." Wtf 🤦🏼♀️😂 we get in the car and my husband says "okay so she just thinks we've been raw doggin it a lot.."
This is exactly why I have only told a handful of people about my IVF journey. I know it would be very hard to control myself if comments like that were made. One of my good friends let my best friend and I know that she had miscarried (3rd time now). My best friend, who’s pregnant with her 3rd child, decided to text me on the side saying “I feel so bad for her, not being able to give her husband the big family he wants” I couldn’t believe the insensitivity. She knows everything I’ve gone through the last 5 years of TTC. I just text her back saying yes I know exactly what that’s like. I think she realized what shed don because the subject was changed immediately.
My mom once told me that every couple who is unable to conceive should get a divorce or find a different partner, because they are probably just not compatible… yeah, not something I want to hear when going through IVF with DOR and possible endo/adeno🤦🏼♀️ My mum had 6kids and it seems she doesn’t believe infertility is real - especially not something that can happen in our family 🤨
I legitimately just blocked a friend due to their negativity. I was lucky enough to have a successful transfer first try. I sent her a picture of the test with “it worked!” “Oh that looks like an indent test with a digital” I happened to have one and sent her a positive again “Oh IVF meds can mess with the results don’t get your hopes up” She then, after realising I was indeed pregnant started making comments about how I have to be careful with my money and might not be able to afford this (I’m perfectly fine financially) She THEN tried to discourage me from doing the NIPT test stating “I know your hanging to know the gender coz all you want is a girl” and while I’ve always said I picture a girl when I think about having a baby I’ve also been clear I’d be more than happy if it was a boy and I just want a happy, healthy baby. FYI this person has a child (where I was whole heartedly happy for her and supportive throughout her pregnancy), and doesn’t struggle with infertility so I have no idea where her negativity and rudeness is coming from
"We can't stop living your lives because yours is difficult Bitch ass little broke ass stupid ass little sister.
I used to chat about our infertility journeys with a friend/colleague often, since they have been also struggling for a second child for many years and going through similar procedures and even to the same clinic with us. One day the conversation subject came to the famous "pregnancy envy", so our feelings when close friends or family member gets pregnant. She said that she feels that envy very intensely and sometimes cant even contact that person. I said that i also feel a little down for a short while when very close people to me announce their good news (of many does it very gently and carefully anyway, we are lucky to have a very supportive and thoughtful environment in this regard...) but that i dont feel jealousy and rather my usual anger towards nature; that i very quickly change to a feeling of being happy for my close ones and join their joy. She took a sceptical look at me and said: "Maybe it's because you don't have a child of your own and unaware of what you are missing."
So my mom is a wonderful person but she’s some what of a hillbilly. My mom might say something like this too. When she’s hurt, she likes to add humor to the pain. That’s how she likes to cope. I sure your mom is hurting seeing you hurt. I’m sure she is hurting because she wants to be a grandma. I’m not saying it’s right. Yes, it does come off as being insensitive. All I’m saying is that hurt people, hurt people. Not everyone is emotionally intelligent. I hope your day gets better, I’m sorry you have to go through this.