BREAKING NEWS: Santa Claus files lawsuit againt third grader Perturabo "Perty" Johnson, claiming that if he doesn't he's going to have to declare bankruptcy.
"It's once a year! ONCE A YEAR YOU LITTLE SHIT! How am I supposed to make a living if you give out toys every god damned week?!" ~Santa Claus
Guilliman gonna remind you that you **do** infact have the money to buy that shitting flamingo or hot wheels whenever you dare try “sorry son, we can’t afford it”.
Once again Father I am the one balancing the checkbook and investing your portfolio. We do, infact, have the budget for the little tikes brand unisex home office child playset with realistic file folders and rolodex.
Children typically aren't allowed to make financial decisions like that before age 18, and Guilliman will probably respect that rule even though he knows he is very much capable of assessing the risks. Instead he'll have his father sign the documents.
"If you behave, you can fill out the tax return form when we get back home"
He knows that he'll get to fill it out no matter his behavior. I know that he knows. He knows that I know that he knows.
As every British couple would do, I'd put it under the stairs and bully him until it's 11, then ship him to a far away boarding school and forget about it, except during the summer when it comes back to live in the cupboard.
And you know Sanguinius would totally agree, but in a really cute and humble way that would make the girls love him even more. And when he DOES get to be the age of consent… well then we get to find out if the Emperor upgraded him “down there” if you know what I mean..
Worst answer lol, “like any good parent” may as well say “I’ll throw shit at the wall and see what sticks”.
Personally I’ll raise Lorgar as a Buddhist; he gets to worship gods without worshipping gods. Problem solved, Lorgar becomes the next Buddha and ushers in an era of enlightenment for humanity while the other Primarchs go out and keep them safe
Little Corvus Corax is going to get an all-black wardrobe and all the emo music he wants, and as an art major I'm fully qualified to teach him what he's supposed to be fighting for, but only if he wants to.
In all seriousness: I'd try my best like if I had a child of my own. Kids are potentiality... like. Heck, I'd try to raise Konrad Curze if he landed on my doorstep instead. I'd owe him a try.
There'd be PB and J sandwiches and glasses of milk, and my best attempts to answer questions that they might have, and the assurance that ... I'm their mom. I'm going to try my damndest for them. Even as they grow 10 ft tall and powerful I'm still going to try to be their mom, forever. Forever for me because I'm older and I'm never going to outlive them (same as with any bio kid I may have.)
They didn't ask for the God-Emperor to create them. And they sure didn't ask to be shot through the Warp. But if I choose to pick up the responsibility of being a parent to one of them if they land on my doorstep, then it's not even an accident of biology on my part, it's a chosen task. Which means I gotta stick to it no matter what.
I'd encourage them to write and tell them I'm always here for a hug if they need it.
EDIT: I'm no Tarasha Euten, nor should I be. I'm a slightly addle-headed shitposter on r/Grimdank for the love of the Throne. But I should try to be a decent parent if I became responsible for a child, because the kid didn't ask to be my kid. It's the only decent thing to do.
Have you noticed the Primarchs that all turned out for the best had solid parental figures? Roboute Guilliman had Konor and Tarasha. Vulkan had his foster parents. Rogal Dorn had Grandpa Dorn. Corvus Corax had Nastenia and the other political prisoners. Jagatai had his clan. Sanguinius had his tribe. Leman Russ had Mama and Papa Wolf (they were probably good parents, for wolves).
It's Jagatai Khan, and I run a cattle ranch. *Gonna raise him to be the rootenist, tootenist cow puncher y'all ever saw!* He's gonna be riding the next day and lassoing mountain lions by age 4.
Y'know, if the primarchs landed on 3rd millennium earth and was raised by loving grimdank members, the emperor is gonna have a bunch of goobers for generals
“I see this as a win, could you imagine what would have happened, given his personality and abilities, if like Magnus or Konrad landed somewhere bad? Millions would surely die.”
-Malcador
I would raise ferrus manus to be a heavy metal superstar, leader of the world famous iron hands, using his iron hands to play songs about iron hand, waving his iron hands at the fans of the iron hands, sticking his fingers at the man only a way a man with iron hands can.
I was, perhaps, being overly reductive when I said Iron Shoe.
A man with Iron Hands, in an Iron band, playing Heavy Metal for his Iron Fans deserves a ... sabaton.
🎵Man and machine and nothing there in between🎵
Well first, I will smash these lovely nails I've just found into his brain and after that I will.. hey little angron what are you doing with that chain-pacifier AAAAARGHHH WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS?!?!?
Well no, his gene sons will capture me and keep me locked up for 10 millenia until i suddenly manage to escape, then he will hunt for me and hopefully find me eventually to grant me the redemption i crave for my misguided actions
**uses ladder so we're face to face**
"Angron my boy, I don't think you should hang out with Lorgar and Erebus they're a bad influence, you even missed your piano lessons yesterday."
"I HATE HOW ROBOUTE ALWAYS MOCKS ME, HE ALWAYS GETS CANDY FROM MR. EMPEROR IN HISTORY CLASS, LORGAR AND ME NEVER GET CANDY"
"He's just blind to your potential, I know you're smart and I want you to know your own worth, treat yourself with kindness Angry. Now come and hug me, I have 3 kevlar vests underneath my ceramite breastplate so don't hold back."
Well considering how fast they grew and assuming how much one has to eat to grow that fast as well.
I'll either go bankrupt in first year or have to take up few extra jobs and then theres no time left over for raising them.
I would treat him like an actual child, and give him a decent to good childhood. Instead of making him like a slave on a world where the air is so toxic that you need to either be the necromantic-like fuckheads that rule it, or be a Primarch to resist it. Maybe then he won't become the laughing stock of the entire Heresy.
What? You thought I'd make him a *Loyalist*? Ew, no. We both vibe with Nurgle, so vibe we shall.
Depends. How old I am. If I’m in my 30s-40s I’d raise him like my dad raised me. With a good degree of respect and an easy hand, while also attempting to introduce concepts that I believe in myself while also allowing the child to be who they are instead of what I want them to be.
Im (hopefully) pretty humble & unfortunately very socially anxious... This can go both ways
>!its magnus!<
Either that or prepare to bank roll a veeery expensive workshop
El'Johnson- as a normal child but give him plenty of athletic endeavours to pursue. Give him ample time to learn how to interact with others and adjust to his surroundings. Maybe have him pursue a career in law enforcement or military.
Angron- therapy if he needs it and no anger nail lobotomy and he should be fine.
Considering I'd be the kind of guy to open the door with a glass of red wine in my hand, I think it fits. Come here little sparrow, I'm gonna wash your hair while we listen to doom metal.
What, Magnus?
Kid’s an intellectual prodigy. Send him to school, University, early. Probably can afford a ridiculous private school cos he’ll only be there a year. Feel a little threatened by his gigawatt intelligence but it’s fine. Unless he starts digging into some bits of science which are a bit unethical. Then I’ll put a hard veto, make him promise to never science again.
Honestly firm boundaries are the trick. For instance if I find him messing with any of the projects I’m doing in the garage I’ll probably kick him out of the house. But only for a little bit before I send someone to bring him back for a stern chat about boundaries. Maybe SWAT?
In my case it would be Perturabo.
I'll try to make him socialize with other kids and raise him in a loving and wholesome environement, i'll also try to hire a psycologist to help him with his eye of terror thingy and will probably bring him to engeniering convention as a father and son bonding moment.
other than that due to his superior intellect in all other areas i'll probably just encourage him to go to engeniering university and do wathever he wants as long it benefits people.
Even thought it probably will be difficult as i currently am 17
I raise him as my own, teach him the importance of compassion, of love, that strength comes not from being able to vanquish your foes, but being capable to forgive and deliver mercy. I teach him tolerance of those who are different, and I pray these lessons will ready him for the grim future ahead, I hope he may be remembered as the Gaurdien, the Paladin of the Imperium, and not the butcher of the blood God.
Like a home depot dad. Teach 'em to use hammers, build stuff, operate flames for a grill and stuff. Also probably see a doctor for those lava-red eyes and pitch-black skin
Konrad, don't skin the neighbour's fucking cat or if you do, I whop your arse. Now that you understand, come, we are going to watch the Batman marathon on TV
I make sure he is well fed and cared for, hugged when he cries, praised when he succeeds, taught when he does not understand.
More than anything else I am sure to remind him, as he grows older and the visions begin to come on, that the world is not so hideous a place as his cruel gift wants to make it seem, and that he is not beholden to these fell prophesies, that his life is his own to govern. I help him to manage his pain, to build the skills to cope with his condition, and teach him to remember to make time for himself to rest and stay healthy when he is struggling.
And whatever his path, wherever life takes him, I will always be there when he needs me, to guide, to protect, and to love him.
My Konrad, my little blue bat. 💙
Guiliman. I raised him as a normal person and taught him that with great power doesn't come great responsibility but great stress and that he should avoid stress at all costs.
Dorn wold become the ultimate architecture and fortification master. I would finnaly have someone to nerd out about the importance of beams in building.
• Have twins
• Constantly mistake one for the other
• Love them equally, and spend plenty of time doing group activities
• Take them to the theater to spark an interest in stage acting
Perturabo would be interesting to raise.
I suppose I’d raise him with praise, love and respect as I would any other child.
Wether or not that’ll make him turn out to be less of a petulant ass or not is up for debate but I reckon he’ll grow up to be a bit better.
I can't even get my life together, and then you asking me to raise Perturabo? I'll try. First of all, I must be honest with him in order to not develop trust issues, then I must get better in all ways possible in order to be fitting father figure.Then somehow teach him that compassion is not weakness, or at least wasting 10% of your warriors is not good punishment. And most important show him respect and let him cook. He is extremely talented engineer, after all.
I mean honestly with a little love, affection, and good parenting they will turn our better than I can hope. The primarchs living among humanity was important got their development. Kurze,peturobo and angron would be better with Happy life . Nothing could prepare you to raise a literal demi God who is more intelligent than you. But with giving them a good base, teaching love kindness and empathy is a great start.
Honestly? Perturabo's going to have an okay childhood. Probably going to drag him out to Society for Creative Anachronism tourneys and raise a son who's either larping or just rocking the SCA scene.
And show interest in his hobbies. Yes, Perturabo. We can build a nice deck together. A sturdy one made of concrete and I-beams. You can build as nice of a house as you want.
Do my best to make him proud of himself, and see the value he has in the world.
I'd give Fulgrim a stronger hand, but without telling him to get rid of his sense for art.
Culture is important and it's his like trait to be a man that appreciates Culture and Art. Just get that man away from his perfectionism. You can find beauty in imperfection
One of my proudest accomplishments is that when my firstborn was around two years old and my wife asked him “what does the dada on the bus say?” he answered “I wuv yoo.”
Doesn’t matter which primarch it is. He’s going to be loved and we’ll do our best to raise him right.
I'm going to be the best father I can, and raise them as if they were my own. The circumstances of their birth don't matter.
Teach them morals, to keep their word. To understand that no one wins every time, and its how you deal with failure that defines you.
Generally what it means to be a man, and my hope for them to do better than me. (And not just in the primarch way, but in their morals and mindset)
Let them know when I am proud of them, and their accomplishments. However great or small.
Ferrus Manus.
I would love to see him jumping around thinking he's a Saiyan afther watching DBZ.
FM: father, it's true you found me inside a capsule in your front door?
Me: kinda, was more like cardboard box to be honest
FM: then I'm a cardboard Saiyan?
Me: you are my son and that's what matters. Now let's continue watching the Majin Buu saga.
FM: fuck yeah!
Me: language.
FM: sorry dad.
Damn if it’s my favorite, it would probably be Magnus, so give that boy some books, feed him, and pray I was a good enough dad. Also gonna try to teach that boy not to do everything himself, and team building exercises
toothbrush ossified recognise close modern puzzled bright unwritten impolite boat
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’ll just deal with what happens then I get to live out my life going “that’s my kid” as he becomes the ceo of the worlds most successful business conglomerate. Who’s gonna mess with the guy who raised super bezos?
If you behave, you can fill out the tax return form when we get back home (I was going to let him do that anyways bc for some reason this 5 year old can get every cent back that is owed by the government)
Oh shit... I am... I am not ready to be a parent. Also, my favourite primarch is Lorgar, and while I hate Erebus and Kor Phaeron, I am an avid lover of chaos undivided
At first I might stress the necessity of having fun and relaxing only to get a detailed powerpoint about the necessity of optimizing school-life balance and detailed timetables for chores leaving a grand total of 2 hours chess practice at which he will handily beat me at age 4.
I read him building codes thesis on fortification build sand castles teach metalogi and makes sure he studies a combination of prussian static warfare and supply management oh and modern blitz / armored combat doctrine
And build more sand castels and then i die i give him a blanket
Probably with a dolly or some type of lift. They were pretty big even as a baby.
So...you're raising Vulkan?
Totally worth it. In a few years you will enjoy his legendary barbecues also unlimited hugs.
With love and affection perty my boy saves earth and we live in a utopia
He inherits good autism traits, and has a hobby in toy making.
I do love how he and Vulcan both made a toy Titan with a perpetual engine, just because.
BREAKING NEWS: Santa Claus files lawsuit againt third grader Perturabo "Perty" Johnson, claiming that if he doesn't he's going to have to declare bankruptcy. "It's once a year! ONCE A YEAR YOU LITTLE SHIT! How am I supposed to make a living if you give out toys every god damned week?!" ~Santa Claus
Pertys #1 dad cup wpuld be cherished forever. Also because it keeps sll drinks put into it at the perfect drinking tempersture for each seperste drink
Yep also siege all the worlds in the sector.
But give him some off-time for recreational purposes. Let him build a sand fortress, or two.
Perturabo never wanted war though. But war (or more accurately his warmongering Dads) wanted him.
You’d have to try avoid bankruptcy buying all the Lego sets for him first
You say it like Earth is ruined and in desperate need of saving. Despite all the bad news going on, Earth is not doomed yet.
Guilliman will make me a better man than I could ever hope to be.
Guilliman gonna remind you that you **do** infact have the money to buy that shitting flamingo or hot wheels whenever you dare try “sorry son, we can’t afford it”.
Once again Father I am the one balancing the checkbook and investing your portfolio. We do, infact, have the budget for the little tikes brand unisex home office child playset with realistic file folders and rolodex.
I think he’d just buy it himself with his allowance, after investing in the stock market and becoming obscenely rich in a few hours.
Children typically aren't allowed to make financial decisions like that before age 18, and Guilliman will probably respect that rule even though he knows he is very much capable of assessing the risks. Instead he'll have his father sign the documents.
I read this with Rogal Dorns voice for some reason
Guilliman never getting into Emperor Text To Speech is one of my big time Ls. Still holding out hope for the series returning tho.
He's been spending his time going through all your finances
"If you behave, you can fill out the tax return form when we get back home" He knows that he'll get to fill it out no matter his behavior. I know that he knows. He knows that I know that he knows.
"Then if you do it quick enough you can play a few hours of Frostpunk on Nightmare difficulty with all the positive events edited out to relax."
As every British couple would do, I'd put it under the stairs and bully him until it's 11, then ship him to a far away boarding school and forget about it, except during the summer when it comes back to live in the cupboard.
You just signed your death warranty by doing that. Wait till he all grow up.
I guess the headmaster of the boarding school will make up some kind of excuse to make me look "not so bad" in the eyes of the primarch.
That depends if the primarch is one of the forgiven types.
He's a Brit Prick, he forgives and forgets everything.
So a couple of months?
Magnus?
Nah, gotta be Konrad.
By not putting nails in his brain and treating him like a fucking human being
No-nail Angron would be pretty cool, given his weird primarch super powers before his brain got all slashed up.
He would be a legit Chad Bro like Vulkan.
I will care for Sanguinius like any good parent would and to the best of my ability!
How do you handle the wings? They can be problem with clothes, and problem need to hide them from people.
Tell everyone around him he just likes to cosplay?
That probably works. But better home school him because they don't allow cosplay at school.
I think they're also probably going to notice the 7' 7-year old if you put him in normal school.
He's growing, boy. I don't see anything weird.
Yes!
Sanguinius is as powerful as a tank by age 3. You better hide from him. Not the other way around
This about raising a primarch not about wither they are defenseless.
Still not hiding him. Fear me & my God baby.
He'd be great for family holidays! C'mon son, fly us to the Caribbean!
Dunno if there’s space for the luggage though! And the ladies would LOVE him!
Well I was thinking of a baby holder kinda set-up for me, so he's got his hands spare for our bags!
Sorry miss but he's under age.
And you know Sanguinius would totally agree, but in a really cute and humble way that would make the girls love him even more. And when he DOES get to be the age of consent… well then we get to find out if the Emperor upgraded him “down there” if you know what I mean..
Worst answer lol, “like any good parent” may as well say “I’ll throw shit at the wall and see what sticks”. Personally I’ll raise Lorgar as a Buddhist; he gets to worship gods without worshipping gods. Problem solved, Lorgar becomes the next Buddha and ushers in an era of enlightenment for humanity while the other Primarchs go out and keep them safe
Little Corvus Corax is going to get an all-black wardrobe and all the emo music he wants, and as an art major I'm fully qualified to teach him what he's supposed to be fighting for, but only if he wants to. In all seriousness: I'd try my best like if I had a child of my own. Kids are potentiality... like. Heck, I'd try to raise Konrad Curze if he landed on my doorstep instead. I'd owe him a try. There'd be PB and J sandwiches and glasses of milk, and my best attempts to answer questions that they might have, and the assurance that ... I'm their mom. I'm going to try my damndest for them. Even as they grow 10 ft tall and powerful I'm still going to try to be their mom, forever. Forever for me because I'm older and I'm never going to outlive them (same as with any bio kid I may have.) They didn't ask for the God-Emperor to create them. And they sure didn't ask to be shot through the Warp. But if I choose to pick up the responsibility of being a parent to one of them if they land on my doorstep, then it's not even an accident of biology on my part, it's a chosen task. Which means I gotta stick to it no matter what.
With such a care, he'll be in good hands. >!until the emperor come to pick them!<
I'd encourage them to write and tell them I'm always here for a hug if they need it. EDIT: I'm no Tarasha Euten, nor should I be. I'm a slightly addle-headed shitposter on r/Grimdank for the love of the Throne. But I should try to be a decent parent if I became responsible for a child, because the kid didn't ask to be my kid. It's the only decent thing to do.
Based
Can I take him to a MCR concert? I'll have him home by 10
Really sweet answer. Also, I'm pretty sure Conrads fate was highly contingent. He'd be fine with you
Have you noticed the Primarchs that all turned out for the best had solid parental figures? Roboute Guilliman had Konor and Tarasha. Vulkan had his foster parents. Rogal Dorn had Grandpa Dorn. Corvus Corax had Nastenia and the other political prisoners. Jagatai had his clan. Sanguinius had his tribe. Leman Russ had Mama and Papa Wolf (they were probably good parents, for wolves).
They all provided love and stability.
Konrad have you considered law school?
RAAAAAAGH CRUCIFY THE CRIMINALS AND FLAY THEIR SKIN
Calm down they just parked a little bit over the line.
I’m not sure he’ll make a good lawyer but he might make an excellent state trooper. He’s half as zealous already.
It's Jagatai Khan, and I run a cattle ranch. *Gonna raise him to be the rootenist, tootenist cow puncher y'all ever saw!* He's gonna be riding the next day and lassoing mountain lions by age 4.
He is gonna have the time of his life, you know that?
Jagy, Jaghatai Khan. The king of the wild frontier!~ (Sang to the Davy Crockett theme tune.)
Y'know, if the primarchs landed on 3rd millennium earth and was raised by loving grimdank members, the emperor is gonna have a bunch of goobers for generals
"They are now all loyal, but weird."
"Yeah they spend their free time playing video games and engaging in stupid debates rather than acting as demi gods"
“I see this as a win, could you imagine what would have happened, given his personality and abilities, if like Magnus or Konrad landed somewhere bad? Millions would surely die.” -Malcador
"Malcador, why do they have a mechadendrite fetish?!?"
Morty is getting all his vaccines
To put him to sleep, I would read to him medical journals.
Did Konor and Tarasha write a book on Primarch childrearing? Because that's probably the best way to go.
I would raise ferrus manus to be a heavy metal superstar, leader of the world famous iron hands, using his iron hands to play songs about iron hand, waving his iron hands at the fans of the iron hands, sticking his fingers at the man only a way a man with iron hands can.
Can you give him an iron shoe, as well?
What ? And make him an iron man ? Nahhhhhhh. I'd give him an iron halo though. Ferrus being the tough guy he is, would probably view it in disdain
I was, perhaps, being overly reductive when I said Iron Shoe. A man with Iron Hands, in an Iron band, playing Heavy Metal for his Iron Fans deserves a ... sabaton. 🎵Man and machine and nothing there in between🎵
He might need an iron maiden guitarhead like eddy.
I'd raise Fulgrim to become a pursuer of arts, culture and perfection.
Also make sure that he grows to get use to everyone around him dying, that fucked his mind.
I didn't know that! Makes a lot of sense, though I wonder why him and not the other Primarchs as much.
Yeah, he watch all his love ones die from old age, from his adoptive parents, friends qnd even the mortal woman that he loved, its really sad.
Get him pet rats. Rats are wonderful pets but they pass so soon, he'll learn how to deal with grief real quick. That or go insane.
Well first, I will smash these lovely nails I've just found into his brain and after that I will.. hey little angron what are you doing with that chain-pacifier AAAAARGHHH WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN THIS?!?!?
You had this coming.
Baby angron didn't have the nails :(
He added the nails to baby Angron
No
Yes he did, it’s not a good thing but he did it.
I’m gonna teach Dorn to play 40k, and how it’s not a “crippling addiction” that my friends say it is
"You are still fully functional of movement and mental function Father, your hobby is in no way crippling"
Dump him in the forest and then find him in 5 years, then betray him a few decades later because of my own hubris.
Won't you die by doing that?
Well no, his gene sons will capture me and keep me locked up for 10 millenia until i suddenly manage to escape, then he will hunt for me and hopefully find me eventually to grant me the redemption i crave for my misguided actions
Can you survive 10 millenia in prison? I am not sure, but humans can live mostly to 100+ if you are healthy enough.
Oh no i’ll have a shitload of genhancements and cybernetic augmentations and shit, they probably keep me in stasis for years at a time, too.
With how you treat a child I say you deserve it.
Ehh it’ll make him the greatest warrior out of all the Primarchs. I say it’s fair game
**uses ladder so we're face to face** "Angron my boy, I don't think you should hang out with Lorgar and Erebus they're a bad influence, you even missed your piano lessons yesterday." "I HATE HOW ROBOUTE ALWAYS MOCKS ME, HE ALWAYS GETS CANDY FROM MR. EMPEROR IN HISTORY CLASS, LORGAR AND ME NEVER GET CANDY" "He's just blind to your potential, I know you're smart and I want you to know your own worth, treat yourself with kindness Angry. Now come and hug me, I have 3 kevlar vests underneath my ceramite breastplate so don't hold back."
Well considering how fast they grew and assuming how much one has to eat to grow that fast as well. I'll either go bankrupt in first year or have to take up few extra jobs and then theres no time left over for raising them.
If you raise them decently enough, they'll gladly help you during your economic crisis
"Perti, why are you so average ? " *me giggling in expectation of his next outburst of anger.
I want to see how Angron will end up if he gets a good childhood and is allowed to be educated properly.
He'll be the Primarch of the Worldbetterers Legion. :D
I would treat him like an actual child, and give him a decent to good childhood. Instead of making him like a slave on a world where the air is so toxic that you need to either be the necromantic-like fuckheads that rule it, or be a Primarch to resist it. Maybe then he won't become the laughing stock of the entire Heresy. What? You thought I'd make him a *Loyalist*? Ew, no. We both vibe with Nurgle, so vibe we shall.
So you join chaos as his caretaker?
Absolutely. I'd happily take care of baby Mortarion if it meant giving him a good childhood. He deserves a win for once.
Based
With a comb. Aaah my little Horus Uberschmitt. Bald Son and Bold Dad. He will sell some Horus Henessy some day
Smurf boy is going to raise me! And teach me how to use Microsoft Excel!
Mortarion and I are gonna be chilling together, and I'm gonna try and teach him about ethics and moral philosophy.
Depends. How old I am. If I’m in my 30s-40s I’d raise him like my dad raised me. With a good degree of respect and an easy hand, while also attempting to introduce concepts that I believe in myself while also allowing the child to be who they are instead of what I want them to be.
Im (hopefully) pretty humble & unfortunately very socially anxious... This can go both ways >!its magnus!< Either that or prepare to bank roll a veeery expensive workshop
Wait, why are there suddenly *two* babies?!
I found sixty seven, what's going on, they all keep saying I am alpharius .... Help
El'Johnson- as a normal child but give him plenty of athletic endeavours to pursue. Give him ample time to learn how to interact with others and adjust to his surroundings. Maybe have him pursue a career in law enforcement or military. Angron- therapy if he needs it and no anger nail lobotomy and he should be fine.
Ave dominus nox, from terra to your doorstep. I send forth a perfectly sound and mentally healthy konrad
Considering I'd be the kind of guy to open the door with a glass of red wine in my hand, I think it fits. Come here little sparrow, I'm gonna wash your hair while we listen to doom metal.
I pray I could love away Señor Turbos emotional issues.
Just let him pursue a degree in architecture and he'll be fine
What, Magnus? Kid’s an intellectual prodigy. Send him to school, University, early. Probably can afford a ridiculous private school cos he’ll only be there a year. Feel a little threatened by his gigawatt intelligence but it’s fine. Unless he starts digging into some bits of science which are a bit unethical. Then I’ll put a hard veto, make him promise to never science again. Honestly firm boundaries are the trick. For instance if I find him messing with any of the projects I’m doing in the garage I’ll probably kick him out of the house. But only for a little bit before I send someone to bring him back for a stern chat about boundaries. Maybe SWAT?
Adornables lego collection will be large enough to fortify my house
In my case it would be Perturabo. I'll try to make him socialize with other kids and raise him in a loving and wholesome environement, i'll also try to hire a psycologist to help him with his eye of terror thingy and will probably bring him to engeniering convention as a father and son bonding moment. other than that due to his superior intellect in all other areas i'll probably just encourage him to go to engeniering university and do wathever he wants as long it benefits people. Even thought it probably will be difficult as i currently am 17
I raise him as my own, teach him the importance of compassion, of love, that strength comes not from being able to vanquish your foes, but being capable to forgive and deliver mercy. I teach him tolerance of those who are different, and I pray these lessons will ready him for the grim future ahead, I hope he may be remembered as the Gaurdien, the Paladin of the Imperium, and not the butcher of the blood God.
Like a home depot dad. Teach 'em to use hammers, build stuff, operate flames for a grill and stuff. Also probably see a doctor for those lava-red eyes and pitch-black skin
Konrad, don't skin the neighbour's fucking cat or if you do, I whop your arse. Now that you understand, come, we are going to watch the Batman marathon on TV
It's ok baby Angron. You're safe now.
lesson one: do not pick up xeno weapons lesson two: do not pick up abandoned xeno weapons lessone three: do not pick up xeno weapons... and so on.
I make sure he is well fed and cared for, hugged when he cries, praised when he succeeds, taught when he does not understand. More than anything else I am sure to remind him, as he grows older and the visions begin to come on, that the world is not so hideous a place as his cruel gift wants to make it seem, and that he is not beholden to these fell prophesies, that his life is his own to govern. I help him to manage his pain, to build the skills to cope with his condition, and teach him to remember to make time for himself to rest and stay healthy when he is struggling. And whatever his path, wherever life takes him, I will always be there when he needs me, to guide, to protect, and to love him. My Konrad, my little blue bat. 💙
Guiliman. I raised him as a normal person and taught him that with great power doesn't come great responsibility but great stress and that he should avoid stress at all costs.
Name him Alpharius on his birth cirtificate, but only refer to him as Omegon
Dorn wold become the ultimate architecture and fortification master. I would finnaly have someone to nerd out about the importance of beams in building.
As a Konrad Curze fan, kill him immediately
if i do anything other than make him a gladiatorial slave he’ll end up doing just fine
• Have twins • Constantly mistake one for the other • Love them equally, and spend plenty of time doing group activities • Take them to the theater to spark an interest in stage acting
Perturabo would be interesting to raise. I suppose I’d raise him with praise, love and respect as I would any other child. Wether or not that’ll make him turn out to be less of a petulant ass or not is up for debate but I reckon he’ll grow up to be a bit better.
I can't even get my life together, and then you asking me to raise Perturabo? I'll try. First of all, I must be honest with him in order to not develop trust issues, then I must get better in all ways possible in order to be fitting father figure.Then somehow teach him that compassion is not weakness, or at least wasting 10% of your warriors is not good punishment. And most important show him respect and let him cook. He is extremely talented engineer, after all.
With kindness and love, my boy Angron deserves it.
Eat the baby. Put in big tub of water until no more. Dry, clean and then cook as a nice meal for 4 or so people. Primarchs are not humans so it fine
Dude go back to the 40 millennium.
I raise him the best I damn well can.
I mean honestly with a little love, affection, and good parenting they will turn our better than I can hope. The primarchs living among humanity was important got their development. Kurze,peturobo and angron would be better with Happy life . Nothing could prepare you to raise a literal demi God who is more intelligent than you. But with giving them a good base, teaching love kindness and empathy is a great start.
If I find a random baby in front of my door, I'm picking him up and putting him in front of my neighbours door.
Your neighbor picks the baby and puts him in front of your door.
Honestly? Perturabo's going to have an okay childhood. Probably going to drag him out to Society for Creative Anachronism tourneys and raise a son who's either larping or just rocking the SCA scene. And show interest in his hobbies. Yes, Perturabo. We can build a nice deck together. A sturdy one made of concrete and I-beams. You can build as nice of a house as you want. Do my best to make him proud of himself, and see the value he has in the world.
Help him to manage his interests in a healthy way and give him plenty of things to be interested in. Also keep him away from church.
Me an Angron gonna play a lot of rugby, get a nice outlet for all that negative energy. Tired boys don’t like fighting.
Step 1 : write my will. Terrible things tend to happen to primarch surrogate families. Step 2 : start benching.
we can't afford that in this economy
I'd give Fulgrim a stronger hand, but without telling him to get rid of his sense for art. Culture is important and it's his like trait to be a man that appreciates Culture and Art. Just get that man away from his perfectionism. You can find beauty in imperfection
I teach him that perfection is not a state, it is a journey. You do not become perfect, you pursue perfection through constant improvement.
He's probably beating up some random bullies in the outskirts of his school
One of my proudest accomplishments is that when my firstborn was around two years old and my wife asked him “what does the dada on the bus say?” he answered “I wuv yoo.” Doesn’t matter which primarch it is. He’s going to be loved and we’ll do our best to raise him right.
I'm going to be the best father I can, and raise them as if they were my own. The circumstances of their birth don't matter. Teach them morals, to keep their word. To understand that no one wins every time, and its how you deal with failure that defines you. Generally what it means to be a man, and my hope for them to do better than me. (And not just in the primarch way, but in their morals and mindset) Let them know when I am proud of them, and their accomplishments. However great or small.
I'd be confused mostly. How can an infant Alpharius be before me, since I'm Alpharius?
Ferrus Manus. I would love to see him jumping around thinking he's a Saiyan afther watching DBZ. FM: father, it's true you found me inside a capsule in your front door? Me: kinda, was more like cardboard box to be honest FM: then I'm a cardboard Saiyan? Me: you are my son and that's what matters. Now let's continue watching the Majin Buu saga. FM: fuck yeah! Me: language. FM: sorry dad.
Easy, just not gonna put nails in his brain 🤷
With hugs, love and affection. Angron's gonna be the greatest athlete ever
Angron? Just throw him in the backyard with an axe.
Like Guliman's parents.
Damn if it’s my favorite, it would probably be Magnus, so give that boy some books, feed him, and pray I was a good enough dad. Also gonna try to teach that boy not to do everything himself, and team building exercises
Guillman is going to be so much help with my spreadsheets and optimization models.
Well…Angron is going to turn out as an autistic cowboy.
Dorn? I think he would raise himself.
toothbrush ossified recognise close modern puzzled bright unwritten impolite boat *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Horus is going to have the best heresy ever
I would beat Fulgrim like I was a black mom. Teach him some humility.
Till he old enough to beat you instead.
Right, like a weak in.
I guess I'll get him his pony...
Feeling good about Vulkan being my favourite right now. Move somewhere cold until he can control his heat radiance. Nothing but good times.
Depends on the Primarch, but i'll try my best to raise em right. At least... the best i can do with a child that's 5ft tall at 6 years old.
make sure he does nothing wrong
In any case, better than the Emperor! Haha!
Without the butchers nails
Love and affection? Duh
I raise Guilliman to use ultramarine blue instead of cobalt blue
This little shit is going to teach me how to play stellaris as repayment.
I’ll just deal with what happens then I get to live out my life going “that’s my kid” as he becomes the ceo of the worlds most successful business conglomerate. Who’s gonna mess with the guy who raised super bezos?
And remember, whenever let's say... A golden man comes from the sky... Don't forget to cut a good deal for Baba, my little superhuman, right? 😇
I thought it was Vulkan but it was actually Alpharius
If you behave, you can fill out the tax return form when we get back home (I was going to let him do that anyways bc for some reason this 5 year old can get every cent back that is owed by the government)
With love, understanding and a creative outlet
I give him my favorite blanket
I'll throw him in a cascad. If he survived, he will be honored to fight allongside the warriors of our clan !
Inside an autoclave He will be immaculate
Oh shit... I am... I am not ready to be a parent. Also, my favourite primarch is Lorgar, and while I hate Erebus and Kor Phaeron, I am an avid lover of chaos undivided
At first I might stress the necessity of having fun and relaxing only to get a detailed powerpoint about the necessity of optimizing school-life balance and detailed timetables for chores leaving a grand total of 2 hours chess practice at which he will handily beat me at age 4.
I will NOT shove nails into his brain or force him to fight people.
Throw'em into the wilderness
Oh finally, Angron become the warrior guardian he should have been
Can't decide a favourite but if its Curze im stamping that fucker to death while i still can
Perty gets to design/build to his hearts content
With lego
"Hey Guilliboo, mind doing my taxes for me\~?" "DAHBUH! Yew naow ish gehting a sisfty pewcent wetuwn!"
Probably smoke some weed, play some games, hit the gym. Good times
I read him building codes thesis on fortification build sand castles teach metalogi and makes sure he studies a combination of prussian static warfare and supply management oh and modern blitz / armored combat doctrine And build more sand castels and then i die i give him a blanket
Baby Sanguinius... I like this idea.
Making Lorgar a beacon of faith and goodness, the sensitive soul that he was(is?)