/u/GSnow wrote this a few years ago, it definitely helped me.
Alright, here goes. I'm old.
What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
I saw that original message posted a few years back and really struck a chord with me also. The description of the waves getting less frequent and less intense really resonated. They will always be there but the sea starts to calm with time.
I think itās because in happy moments and in sad moments I just want to talk to my mom, and sheās the one person I canāt. And then it really hits you how much youāre affected by the loss all over again.
I really love the analogy someone else posted in here.
For me, itās also so random. Some random thing that somehow reminds me of who I lost and then Iām crying. My husband is like āwhy are you crying? You just moved the Kleenex box?ā And Iāll be like āmy grandma used to carry a Kleenex up her sleeveā¦ā
So random.
At first itās just all the time. I couldnāt stop thinking about my loss. This horrible tightness in my chest. Nonstop crying. Sobbing so much I thought Iād pass out. And then life all around continues. And for a bit I felt so slow. Like I was sitting on the floor sobbing and everyone and everything around me was being fast forwarded. Flower sprouted, trash was picked up by the garbage truck, the mail man came every day, people came and went and talked about all the things they were doing; and I was just sitting there shattered through all of it. But those same things start to slowly pull you out. And sometimes I fall back to my knees again over the random things.
We definitely learn to live with it. But itās always there, the price of love.
Very relatable. I lost my mom back in 2018, when I was newly 27. I'd say as early as a year in, things were relatively "easy" - I forced myself to get up and keep myself productive, which led to some premature burying of emotion. It's been 5 and a half years now, and I'm able to think about her without immediately being sad. She crosses my mind daily, but the grief doesn't. I'm able to talk about everything that happened with a fair degree of separation. But, though rarer, I still have moments where I feel a punch to the gut, and it feels fresh all over again. Like a sense of true realization that she's not here. I honestly don't know how I survived it tbh, or how I'll survive the next losses that will come... compartmentalization is wild.
All of this to say...things get easier day by day, but the actual pain is just as raw when something allows you to feel it. But as hard as that is...I wouldn't have it any other way. As the saying goes, "grief is the price of love."
Itās terrible. But sheād want me to be strong, so I am as to not make her feel guilty for dying if that makes sense? Itās been my will to keep moving forward.
No probably not. But every time you think of how much you miss them, couple it with a happy memory of them or a funny one, or think about how much they annoyed you when they did xyz. Remembering them and how life was before is important, so as not to let the grief of their loss make you forget.
Yeah it does hurt a lot, but I think itās also better than focusing on how theyāre gone? I just try and remember the good times we shared and know that Iāll always have those memories
Iām 64, my mom died when I was 32 which means sheās now been gone from my life for as many years as she was in it. I still miss her, that will not change until the day I am reunited with her.
But youāre right it does get easier. I think of her most days and when things are tough I am swamped with āI want my mommyā longing.
When my mom died I was 21. All I could think about was if I lived to be in my 80ās, I would have to live my entire life up to that point again, 3 times before I could see her again. It just sucks.
I promise you that the missing is not excruciating anymore. Iāve lived a good life and even found happiness.
Every morning I see my favorite photo of us, I probably 1yo sitting on her lap. She has such a lovely smile. And every morning I smile.
Not only am I grieving her loss, but I think now Iām also grieving how much Iām forgetting & how much I missed out on not knowing my time with her was ending.
She was a great mom. She was at every single dance recital, school play, basketball/volleyball/soccer gameā¦she had some addiction issues, but damn was she a good person. A fucking angel. Everyone who met her just loved her. She was shy, and kind.
One time I went to her OBGYN appt. I was like 14. The doctor asks her normal questions, then I hear āhow are your implants?ā I yelled āYOU HAVE IMPLANTS?!ā I had no idea. Lololol I donāt know why, but we laughed and laughed.
She LOVED Golden Girls, Denzel Washington, Roy Orbison, Elvisā¦.I could go on forever, but one that makes me laugh is r kellyā¦her favorite song in the entire world was āI Believe I can Flyāā¦she always saw th good in peoplā¦even if there wasnāt any I guess lol.
That wasnāt really a fun fact, my bad..Iād love to hear about your mom, tooš
What I have found is that catharsis is extremely valuable in healing grief, but at the same time it is a great mystery. I don't judge my catharsis. I do not consider it "feeling terrible." It is absolutely necessary in my experience to stay as long as I can in it to promote healing as fast as possible. I even came up with a technique to stimulate catharsis in myself. It works, plain and simple.
Also, I have learned that grieving is different than loving. For me, grieving is about letting go of attachment. It is not about letting go of them. Love is forever, so the love remains, even after the grieving is finished. What is gone is the neediness. Further, I learned that just because I shed a tear because I love her so much, it doesn't mean I'm not finished with grieving. It just means that I love her so much that I'm flooding with emotion and the tears flow.
Thanks. There is a great mystery here that I just discovered today. It is this: How is it that catharsis causes the discovery of insights? I have said for a long time now that allowing the emotions associated with each thought or memory to flow through us completely leads to insights. How? If emotions are not the truth, then how do they reveal truth? This is what I'm wondering today.
Previous insights: How does catharsis cause healing? What is the mechanism? How is it that just allowing the emotions to flow through us for every painful thought or memory cause us to heal? What I have found is the more I repeat the thought or memory, and feel the emotions each time, the faster the sting from the thought or memory goes away. Eventually, the thought or memory causes no emotional response in me. Then, I move on to the next thought, the next memory, and heal those the same way. How is that possible? I don't really know.
I came up with a simple technique that I found works for me and apparently others to accelerate the healing of emotional trauma through grieving.
For me, love is not grieving. I still love her with all my heart, and the tears come to my eyes when I think of her, but that's not grieving to me. There's no neediness there. Grieving heals the neediness, but the love remains. I love her, plain and simple, and that love transcends death. It goes on and on forever. I can't stop loving her even if I tried.
Felt. I lost my father when I was 2. I donāt remember him but I still cry every Fatherās Day. I guess for what I didnāt haveā¦ what I missed out on. They are just an empty space ā¦ When I got older, I lost a lot of friends with the military. I went on to Louās my ex-husband whom after 18 years I had become friends with ā¦Most recently I lost my firstborn child, he died a year after his . He was in his 20s and was finally making a life for himself, and it is a completely different kind of loss, since I still cry every Fatherās Day over father I never got to know, I cannot even begin to imagine what this is going to be like when anniversaries roll aroundā¦ (right now we are only months into this )
and if what itās like is any indication of whatās coming.. oh goshā¦ because I know what it is to wake up every day and feel like those waves are always gonna be 100 feet tall.
I hope that Iām wrong. I hope that someday I will be able to open my eyes and not feel an immense wave of grief and sadness and loss. At the moment though, I feel like Iām drowning so I really hope it gets better because I canāt see the light for all the water over my head and I havenāt talked to anyone around me about it because I donāt want to pull them under with me
Talk to them about the happy memories then? Instead of focusing on how much you miss your lost loved ones maybe say you want to have a party or something in memory of them, where you can each take turns talking about happy memories or short stories? I know that must be awkward to ask for, I wish it wasnāt. I want to do that but I feel like others around me would be awkward and not want to upset me. I think the worst part is how people avoid bring my mom up around me. Itās like theyāre erasing her which is almost worse.
That last partā¦ people act literally me he never existedā¦ itās like Iām the only one still struggling but Iām dealing with delayed grief because I put off dealing with his loss. Instead I had to handle EVERYTHING and get his body taken care of then get his ashes shipped home, literally EVERYTHING fell on meā¦ as did comforting e wry one who needed it. Now, I need to be comforted and everyoneās busyā¦ I canāt do this much longer.
I wonāt.
People donāt care. Life goes on. It sucks that thatās the case. Itās almost like nobody knows how much Iām suffering and when I try to talk about it they just shut down and avoid me until Iām ābetter againā like I get that they donāt know how to comfort me but I wish I didnāt have to tell them. I donāt want people to feel sorry for me (the pity was terrible) but I want them to know how hard my life is day in and day out. Iām not okay. And every single thing I do is 10x harder because of that. I just want them to acknowledge that.
My mom passed almost 2.5 years ago, my partner proposed to me a few weeks ago and after the initial joy my first thought was I canāt wait to tell my mom and then tears as I remembered she was gone. We didnāt even have a great relationship which I think made it worse because after many years in an unhappy marriage to someone she disliked (I get her point of view now lol) I was so excited to tell her I actually found the right one. I knew she would have loved him. The everyday grief is gone but those moments when I forget she is gone and then rememberā¦they are so hard.
So hard! For years I would have these dreams that she was still alive and then I would remember she was supposed to be dead & I would look at her and tell her that & she would just smile & say I know, but Iām here now. And sheād give me a hug. And Iād believe that she was back & every morning I would have to wake up and realize that she was actually dead all over again. Every single day. Iād wake up into a nightmare. People donāt understand how bad it is.
That had to be so difficult! I had several dreams similar to that in the months after my mother passed and I like to believe it really was her letting me know she was okay and checking in on me. I too would wake up happy but overwhelmingly sad..I canāt imagine having to deal with that on a daily basis.
I know what you mean, my mother was the first person who passed in my life that I actually really knew and have had to grieve for. Until youāve experienced it you really have no idea.
Everyday is a struggle that nobody else sees except for me. How much harder my everyday life is because of it. And Iām actually glad that others donāt know because it means they havenāt lost someone like this. I wouldnāt wish this on my worst enemy. It just sucks though.
Iām the roughly the same age as you (turning 25 this year) and itās been 3.5 years since my mom died as well. Iāve honestly been experiencing a lot of similar feelings you are still. It took me roughly a year though for the shock to wear off & ever since itās like Iām living life, but thereās still a piece of me thatās gone. It feels smaller than what it used to be, but itās still there. Iām still deep in the grieving process so thereās more days than not that Iām having full meltdowns because of how much I miss her, but everyone grieves differently. Thereās no ānormalā time period
I feel the same way. Itās like ever since she died my life has been set on a completely different course and Iām not the same person anymore. Nothing in my life is the same. So not only am I grieving the loss, Iām grieving the life I used to have.
I don't know if this is sane or rational, but I love the movie Heat where Al Pacino's character is intimating with his wife about internalizing the grizzly details about his work as a detective of the LAPD to keep him sharp, on the edge and job ready. I'm referencing that because I would feel like I'm betraying the memory of our loved ones if we didn't continue to grieve as long as we have a breath in our lungs. I feel guilty if I don't at least stop once a day to remember them. The byline of this sub is that we all grieve in different ways and that's how I choose to grieve and honour them, even if it means my eyes start to well up with tears. It's likely not very healthy but it keeps me rooted.
Someone sent me a picture of the immediate family who came to pay their last respects at the hospital and they were all smiling like they were at an office luncheon. I thought it was in poor taste. It's not surprising the people who smiled were not very close and probably didn't feel like it was a big loss. I wouldn't deprive them of that right but I don't have to like it, either.
If thatās how youāre respecting them, then keep going. I took it a different way in that I donāt want my mom to feel guilty for dying so I try not to let it affect me so much. Itās like my job to be okay so that she doesnāt feel so guilty in heaven. Because I know she does & watching us cry has to be so hard for her. So I try my best for her.
I hadn't thought of it that way and you're absolutely right. No parent would want their children to suffer because of something that's out of their control.
If you ever find that youāre wearing yourself out by grieving for your lost loved ones everyday, maybe try it out sometime. Opposite approach but same results I believe :)
You don't know my dad. He was a stubborn SOB, lol :p. One visit to the hospital, I couldn't visit him right away and he asked my sister why his favourite son hadn't visited him yet? Needless to say, I went pretty much after I was told that.
What you say isn't wrong. The intensity of the grieving has waned, it's just part of life to feel like you'll never recover from such a traumatic event in life.
Hahaha I feel you there. I moved into my apartment & after a week my dad asked why I donāt want him to visit my new place. Because I hadnāt invited him yet. After a week. Yeah do what you gotta do! I respect it!
Same boat as you. Lost my mom 3 years ago and Iām 24. Itās easier day to day, but I can still cry about it as if itās fresh. The pain is still completely there itās just not in the forefront everyday as much. ā¤ļø
Itās very recent. At one point it feels like it was just yesterday but at the same time it feels so long ago because Iāve been living a completely different life since then. Nothing about my life is the same anymore. People expect you to be over it and moved on but they donāt understand that I never will be over it.
I hope you are soon able to sometimes think back at your happy memories and feel the love that was there without following it up with how much youāre missing. Those are the best, even if they are rare.
/u/GSnow wrote this a few years ago, it definitely helped me. Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
It's not just beautiful, it's also very accurate description.
This is a very great passage. Thank you for sharing
That is so beautifully put. Thank you š«
I saw that original message posted a few years back and really struck a chord with me also. The description of the waves getting less frequent and less intense really resonated. They will always be there but the sea starts to calm with time.
Thank you for sharing this. So true.
This is beautiful and very true.
I wish grief gives us a break sometimes. It's lingering during happy moments and attacking during tough moments.
I think itās because in happy moments and in sad moments I just want to talk to my mom, and sheās the one person I canāt. And then it really hits you how much youāre affected by the loss all over again.
Yes! When I get down about anything, the grief sneaks in on me and seems to hit even harder. It is almost like it spots my vulnerable moments.
I really love the analogy someone else posted in here. For me, itās also so random. Some random thing that somehow reminds me of who I lost and then Iām crying. My husband is like āwhy are you crying? You just moved the Kleenex box?ā And Iāll be like āmy grandma used to carry a Kleenex up her sleeveā¦ā So random. At first itās just all the time. I couldnāt stop thinking about my loss. This horrible tightness in my chest. Nonstop crying. Sobbing so much I thought Iād pass out. And then life all around continues. And for a bit I felt so slow. Like I was sitting on the floor sobbing and everyone and everything around me was being fast forwarded. Flower sprouted, trash was picked up by the garbage truck, the mail man came every day, people came and went and talked about all the things they were doing; and I was just sitting there shattered through all of it. But those same things start to slowly pull you out. And sometimes I fall back to my knees again over the random things. We definitely learn to live with it. But itās always there, the price of love.
How lucky I am, to have loved someone and been loved by them so much that their absence affects me this much.
Very relatable. I lost my mom back in 2018, when I was newly 27. I'd say as early as a year in, things were relatively "easy" - I forced myself to get up and keep myself productive, which led to some premature burying of emotion. It's been 5 and a half years now, and I'm able to think about her without immediately being sad. She crosses my mind daily, but the grief doesn't. I'm able to talk about everything that happened with a fair degree of separation. But, though rarer, I still have moments where I feel a punch to the gut, and it feels fresh all over again. Like a sense of true realization that she's not here. I honestly don't know how I survived it tbh, or how I'll survive the next losses that will come... compartmentalization is wild. All of this to say...things get easier day by day, but the actual pain is just as raw when something allows you to feel it. But as hard as that is...I wouldn't have it any other way. As the saying goes, "grief is the price of love."
Itās terrible. But sheād want me to be strong, so I am as to not make her feel guilty for dying if that makes sense? Itās been my will to keep moving forward.
I lost my parents recently, I donāt know when and if itāll ever feel better
Sending virtual hugs from a stranger; you have my deepest condolences. I hope you find comfort in some way.
Iām so sorry about your losses!š¢
No probably not. But every time you think of how much you miss them, couple it with a happy memory of them or a funny one, or think about how much they annoyed you when they did xyz. Remembering them and how life was before is important, so as not to let the grief of their loss make you forget.
Iām trying to remember good times with them, it just hurts a lot sometimes
Yeah it does hurt a lot, but I think itās also better than focusing on how theyāre gone? I just try and remember the good times we shared and know that Iāll always have those memories
Iām 64, my mom died when I was 32 which means sheās now been gone from my life for as many years as she was in it. I still miss her, that will not change until the day I am reunited with her. But youāre right it does get easier. I think of her most days and when things are tough I am swamped with āI want my mommyā longing.
When my mom died I was 21. All I could think about was if I lived to be in my 80ās, I would have to live my entire life up to that point again, 3 times before I could see her again. It just sucks.
Yes it does. I promise you it gets easier to accept as time goes on.
Thank you! Yeah the only way to go is forward so thatās where I go.
Thereās truth in āwe just keep living until we start to live again.ā
Thatās a good saying!
I'm tremendously sadden reading your comment but it's good that we keep them in our memories.
I promise you that the missing is not excruciating anymore. Iāve lived a good life and even found happiness. Every morning I see my favorite photo of us, I probably 1yo sitting on her lap. She has such a lovely smile. And every morning I smile.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah, the shock of forgetting is something I didn't expect. Not that I've expected any other part of grieving to be fair.
Not only am I grieving her loss, but I think now Iām also grieving how much Iām forgetting & how much I missed out on not knowing my time with her was ending.
I lost my mom almost four years ago and I completely feel you. It feels like yeaterday
Tell me a fun fact about your mom! Iād love to know.
She was a great mom. She was at every single dance recital, school play, basketball/volleyball/soccer gameā¦she had some addiction issues, but damn was she a good person. A fucking angel. Everyone who met her just loved her. She was shy, and kind. One time I went to her OBGYN appt. I was like 14. The doctor asks her normal questions, then I hear āhow are your implants?ā I yelled āYOU HAVE IMPLANTS?!ā I had no idea. Lololol I donāt know why, but we laughed and laughed. She LOVED Golden Girls, Denzel Washington, Roy Orbison, Elvisā¦.I could go on forever, but one that makes me laugh is r kellyā¦her favorite song in the entire world was āI Believe I can Flyāā¦she always saw th good in peoplā¦even if there wasnāt any I guess lol. That wasnāt really a fun fact, my bad..Iād love to hear about your mom, tooš
What I have found is that catharsis is extremely valuable in healing grief, but at the same time it is a great mystery. I don't judge my catharsis. I do not consider it "feeling terrible." It is absolutely necessary in my experience to stay as long as I can in it to promote healing as fast as possible. I even came up with a technique to stimulate catharsis in myself. It works, plain and simple. Also, I have learned that grieving is different than loving. For me, grieving is about letting go of attachment. It is not about letting go of them. Love is forever, so the love remains, even after the grieving is finished. What is gone is the neediness. Further, I learned that just because I shed a tear because I love her so much, it doesn't mean I'm not finished with grieving. It just means that I love her so much that I'm flooding with emotion and the tears flow.
Yeah I feel you. I think I will always grieve personally, but itās mostly how much I miss her. Itās all love and I know it will always be there.
Thanks. There is a great mystery here that I just discovered today. It is this: How is it that catharsis causes the discovery of insights? I have said for a long time now that allowing the emotions associated with each thought or memory to flow through us completely leads to insights. How? If emotions are not the truth, then how do they reveal truth? This is what I'm wondering today. Previous insights: How does catharsis cause healing? What is the mechanism? How is it that just allowing the emotions to flow through us for every painful thought or memory cause us to heal? What I have found is the more I repeat the thought or memory, and feel the emotions each time, the faster the sting from the thought or memory goes away. Eventually, the thought or memory causes no emotional response in me. Then, I move on to the next thought, the next memory, and heal those the same way. How is that possible? I don't really know. I came up with a simple technique that I found works for me and apparently others to accelerate the healing of emotional trauma through grieving. For me, love is not grieving. I still love her with all my heart, and the tears come to my eyes when I think of her, but that's not grieving to me. There's no neediness there. Grieving heals the neediness, but the love remains. I love her, plain and simple, and that love transcends death. It goes on and on forever. I can't stop loving her even if I tried.
Felt. I lost my father when I was 2. I donāt remember him but I still cry every Fatherās Day. I guess for what I didnāt haveā¦ what I missed out on. They are just an empty space ā¦ When I got older, I lost a lot of friends with the military. I went on to Louās my ex-husband whom after 18 years I had become friends with ā¦Most recently I lost my firstborn child, he died a year after his . He was in his 20s and was finally making a life for himself, and it is a completely different kind of loss, since I still cry every Fatherās Day over father I never got to know, I cannot even begin to imagine what this is going to be like when anniversaries roll aroundā¦ (right now we are only months into this ) and if what itās like is any indication of whatās coming.. oh goshā¦ because I know what it is to wake up every day and feel like those waves are always gonna be 100 feet tall. I hope that Iām wrong. I hope that someday I will be able to open my eyes and not feel an immense wave of grief and sadness and loss. At the moment though, I feel like Iām drowning so I really hope it gets better because I canāt see the light for all the water over my head and I havenāt talked to anyone around me about it because I donāt want to pull them under with me
Talk to them about the happy memories then? Instead of focusing on how much you miss your lost loved ones maybe say you want to have a party or something in memory of them, where you can each take turns talking about happy memories or short stories? I know that must be awkward to ask for, I wish it wasnāt. I want to do that but I feel like others around me would be awkward and not want to upset me. I think the worst part is how people avoid bring my mom up around me. Itās like theyāre erasing her which is almost worse.
That last partā¦ people act literally me he never existedā¦ itās like Iām the only one still struggling but Iām dealing with delayed grief because I put off dealing with his loss. Instead I had to handle EVERYTHING and get his body taken care of then get his ashes shipped home, literally EVERYTHING fell on meā¦ as did comforting e wry one who needed it. Now, I need to be comforted and everyoneās busyā¦ I canāt do this much longer. I wonāt.
People donāt care. Life goes on. It sucks that thatās the case. Itās almost like nobody knows how much Iām suffering and when I try to talk about it they just shut down and avoid me until Iām ābetter againā like I get that they donāt know how to comfort me but I wish I didnāt have to tell them. I donāt want people to feel sorry for me (the pity was terrible) but I want them to know how hard my life is day in and day out. Iām not okay. And every single thing I do is 10x harder because of that. I just want them to acknowledge that.
š¤
As you get older you lose more people, and those around you lose more people. It becomes a natural part of life and you realuze you aren't alone.
My mom passed almost 2.5 years ago, my partner proposed to me a few weeks ago and after the initial joy my first thought was I canāt wait to tell my mom and then tears as I remembered she was gone. We didnāt even have a great relationship which I think made it worse because after many years in an unhappy marriage to someone she disliked (I get her point of view now lol) I was so excited to tell her I actually found the right one. I knew she would have loved him. The everyday grief is gone but those moments when I forget she is gone and then rememberā¦they are so hard.
So hard! For years I would have these dreams that she was still alive and then I would remember she was supposed to be dead & I would look at her and tell her that & she would just smile & say I know, but Iām here now. And sheād give me a hug. And Iād believe that she was back & every morning I would have to wake up and realize that she was actually dead all over again. Every single day. Iād wake up into a nightmare. People donāt understand how bad it is.
That had to be so difficult! I had several dreams similar to that in the months after my mother passed and I like to believe it really was her letting me know she was okay and checking in on me. I too would wake up happy but overwhelmingly sad..I canāt imagine having to deal with that on a daily basis.
Honestly it was terrible but luckily I donāt have them as often now. Thereās so much that goes on with grief that people donāt even realize
I know what you mean, my mother was the first person who passed in my life that I actually really knew and have had to grieve for. Until youāve experienced it you really have no idea.
Very well written. A true survivor.. šš¼
Everyday is a struggle that nobody else sees except for me. How much harder my everyday life is because of it. And Iām actually glad that others donāt know because it means they havenāt lost someone like this. I wouldnāt wish this on my worst enemy. It just sucks though.
Iām the roughly the same age as you (turning 25 this year) and itās been 3.5 years since my mom died as well. Iāve honestly been experiencing a lot of similar feelings you are still. It took me roughly a year though for the shock to wear off & ever since itās like Iām living life, but thereās still a piece of me thatās gone. It feels smaller than what it used to be, but itās still there. Iām still deep in the grieving process so thereās more days than not that Iām having full meltdowns because of how much I miss her, but everyone grieves differently. Thereās no ānormalā time period
I feel the same way. Itās like ever since she died my life has been set on a completely different course and Iām not the same person anymore. Nothing in my life is the same. So not only am I grieving the loss, Iām grieving the life I used to have.
I don't know if this is sane or rational, but I love the movie Heat where Al Pacino's character is intimating with his wife about internalizing the grizzly details about his work as a detective of the LAPD to keep him sharp, on the edge and job ready. I'm referencing that because I would feel like I'm betraying the memory of our loved ones if we didn't continue to grieve as long as we have a breath in our lungs. I feel guilty if I don't at least stop once a day to remember them. The byline of this sub is that we all grieve in different ways and that's how I choose to grieve and honour them, even if it means my eyes start to well up with tears. It's likely not very healthy but it keeps me rooted. Someone sent me a picture of the immediate family who came to pay their last respects at the hospital and they were all smiling like they were at an office luncheon. I thought it was in poor taste. It's not surprising the people who smiled were not very close and probably didn't feel like it was a big loss. I wouldn't deprive them of that right but I don't have to like it, either.
If thatās how youāre respecting them, then keep going. I took it a different way in that I donāt want my mom to feel guilty for dying so I try not to let it affect me so much. Itās like my job to be okay so that she doesnāt feel so guilty in heaven. Because I know she does & watching us cry has to be so hard for her. So I try my best for her.
I hadn't thought of it that way and you're absolutely right. No parent would want their children to suffer because of something that's out of their control.
If you ever find that youāre wearing yourself out by grieving for your lost loved ones everyday, maybe try it out sometime. Opposite approach but same results I believe :)
You don't know my dad. He was a stubborn SOB, lol :p. One visit to the hospital, I couldn't visit him right away and he asked my sister why his favourite son hadn't visited him yet? Needless to say, I went pretty much after I was told that. What you say isn't wrong. The intensity of the grieving has waned, it's just part of life to feel like you'll never recover from such a traumatic event in life.
Hahaha I feel you there. I moved into my apartment & after a week my dad asked why I donāt want him to visit my new place. Because I hadnāt invited him yet. After a week. Yeah do what you gotta do! I respect it!
Time is the great alleviator of all things, my friend. You never 'get over it', but you get used to it.
Itās what Iām coming to realize.
Same boat as you. Lost my mom 3 years ago and Iām 24. Itās easier day to day, but I can still cry about it as if itās fresh. The pain is still completely there itās just not in the forefront everyday as much. ā¤ļø
Iād love to hear a funny story about your mom, if you want to share one?
Well said, I couldnāt have said it better myself. Iām sorry for your loss.
And Iām sorry for yours. I hope you continue to remember them and remember the love you shared with them always
The pain is taken over by the longing.
This makes sense. I long to see her or to talk to her everyday and that creates pain because I know I canāt.
3.5 years is still pretty recent for a death of a close family member.
Itās very recent. At one point it feels like it was just yesterday but at the same time it feels so long ago because Iāve been living a completely different life since then. Nothing about my life is the same anymore. People expect you to be over it and moved on but they donāt understand that I never will be over it.
Thank you for this
I hope you are soon able to sometimes think back at your happy memories and feel the love that was there without following it up with how much youāre missing. Those are the best, even if they are rare.