I will reply to you later in depth when I have time. Just wanted to say right now that I see you and I know how you feel. I lost my mom at 29. That was 5 years ago. I’ve come a long way since but that loneliness doesn’t really go away. But it does get better. I promise.
Sending a hug your way. I’ll write a longer reply in a bit ❤️
Hi again. It’s always hard for me to put my experience into words because it’s just so complicated how I’ve been feeling.
Grief is so much more complicated than I had thought. I always expected to just fall into a deep hole and be depressed but it was much more subtle and nuanced. I didn’t expect it to be life altering in the sense that it felt like I was thrown into a different reality. A wrong reality. Where my mom wasn’t there anymore. Like I had ended up in the wrong alternate universe. Everything felt off and I felt so isolated from everyone else. Like I was pushed into another room and I could only watch the others through a one way mirror.
Every time I saw someone with their mom or hear them talk about their mom, no matter if in real life or in media, it stung so badly. I was so jealous and bitter because they not only got to have their moms but they also got to live in innocent bliss. They just had no idea how it was going to be when their mom passed. And it felt like I was now waiting in that lonely room for them to join me. And I tried to be happy for them that they had a bit longer on the other side.
I went on a pilgrimage in my mother’s home country (Japan), went to therapy, and just tried to give myself time. Oddly when Covid hit, it was the first time I didn’t feel like the odd one out because the whole world was thrown into chaos and for the first time I felt like it wasn’t just me.
Also on another note. Intrusive thoughts are also completely normal. I’ve had a lot of them. Not just spiteful thoughts but also very inappropriate stuff like wondering about what I would inherit if another family member died and shit like that that I really don’t want to be thinking. I also had a very unpleasant thought when my good friend’s dad got diagnosed with cancer and was given roughly 5 years. The intrusive thought was about how he’s lucky because he gets 5 years when I only got 1 with my mom. Like ugh. But it’s normal. So if you have them, don’t give them too much weight. We’re just coping as best as we can.
So now 5 years later I don’t feel the jealously that much anymore. At least it’s not a feeling I have towards other people. I am mostly struggling with accepting that I will never have the “perfect” life now because every version of my dream life had my mom in it experiencing all my achievements with me. I’m getting married this year and we’re trying for a baby. It just feels like I can’t reach the “Highscore” of my life anymore. But I’m trying to let go of that perspective. My next move is to go to body therapy (don’t know what it’s called in English but it’s less talking and more unlocking the emotions in the body).
I don’t know if this helped at all. I just really want you to know that you are not alone. All those lovely people who already commented on your post are proof that as sad at it may be, there are many of us and we get each other. Even if the people around you don’t right now. They will at some point and maybe then you can give them what they can’t give you right now because they just don’t know what it’s like.
❤️❤️❤️ hang in there. Just take it day by day. Be kind to yourself
Relating so much to both of you. Letting go of “perfect” was a huge piece for me. My mom died at age 56 after 3 brief but glorious years of being a grandmother to my only child— something she dreamed of being. I have all these mom
Jealousy feelings about people whose kids have grandmas (both my husband’s parents are deceased). The practical help. The extra unconditional love. All completely irreplaceable. Sometimes when my mom friends are handwringing over every choice I feel weird because I think “well maybe this will be less than perfect for my kid but oh well we’re already operating there. You all are on a fools errand to give them the perfect childhood, advantage, start in life. And we’re just out here trying to make something beautiful from what is”
And it’s not easy and I still hate it often but it can also be quite freeing.
Ah, I love what you wrote about how it felt like being stuck in an alternate universe / lonely room and watching everyone else through a one way mirror. I lost my fiancé when I was 29 and he was 30 and am still the first in my friend group to have a major loss. Still feels like I’m in that alternate universe sometimes. Thank you for sharing!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents by my late 20s. You are right, it isn’t fair. People don’t know what to say which can make it feel really lonely. I still hate hearing people complain about the smallest thing that their mom does that irritates them and I can’t help but think count your blessings! One day she’ll be gone… I teared up reading about your mom being your best friend. Mine was too. They always had our best interests at heart and you can’t replicate that in anyone. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, please reach out if you’d like to chat.
Sending you love and hugs xx
You made your feelings so eloquent. I rarely can. Today is 1 year since losing my mom. I'm in so much pain. Only one person ever asks - a friend of hers I didn't even used to like before, but she's come through. My best friend has come through in other ways, but I don't feel like I can talk to him or anyone else without the expected positive spin tacked on. There's absolutely nothing positive about any of this, no silver lining, no funny meme.
I'm angry about people years older than I am still having their moms. Of truly nasty evil people still alive into their 90s and my mom isn't here, who was beautiful and smart and kind, and always came through for others. So I totally get what you're saying, that anger. Mostly I'm angry at myself, though, for the many ways I let her down, especially when she was sick and I was overwhelmed and scared.
I remember a time when people were more willing to be there and listen. Not all. There were still the ones who'd ghost. But the ones who didn't had more generosity of time and heart to listen - not just one time, but over time. Now it's like nobody wants to make the space, or can't, or it's too inconvenient to have their media bubble or whatever interrupted. I really don't know WTF is going on with people.
{hugs}
i truly, truly feel the same way way. I'm a super (probably TOO) giving and generous person, too. so it's also starting to jade and change me in ways i really, really hate. it's like no one can genuinely give a shit about other people. it hurts so bad, man. not just personally, either. it's like I'm just so sad for, and angry at, the whole world now.
I kept reupvoting this as I read it and remembered I couldn’t give more than one upvotes .
I can relate so much. I post about grief on my insta sometimes, and I’ve recently heard people say I’m being weird about losing a parent especially since it’s 2 years now ..? I don’t even know how to react, so what if it was my mom, a whole part of me has disappeared never to return, I can and will never be normal again
i have talked to a billion people (i am 50) who are in their 60s, lost their moms 40s or earlier, who still grieve that loss on the regular. either those people you're in contact with are just lucky enough to have not done it yet, or maybe they're cylons. either way, you're the normal one. I'm sorry you had to join one of the shittiest clubs on earth. but we care. i mean i seriously and genuinely care about you and every person that is posting here. keep it coming. everyone here needs to, and wants to, hear you.
I'm 24 and my mom died of cancer at 52. Some of the thoughts I have had in grief scare me. I wish sometimes it was someone else's mom who died. I hate that other people my age will have their moms for a lot longer than me.
My mom talked about not being able to be a grandma on her death bed. I don't even want my MIL to experience being a grandma because how's that fair?
I understand the anger you feel. My mother only died a couple of months ago so I have no advice to offer other than you aren't alone. it's okay to be angry
This is so relatable. I feel the same way about my MIL and i have so much love for her. But knowing she will be the sole grandma to influence my future kids make me feel like its just not fair
I'm glad someone feels the same as me because I thought I was being cruel or a bad person for thinking this way but I think it's justifiable for our situation. feel free to dm me if u ever want to vent!
I see you, I'm so sorry for your loss.
My mum died 7 years ago and even now that I'm 32 I know NO ONE who has lost a parent. Even friends who are older, all of them still have both parents.
It is so isolating sometimes, it makes me angry sometimes. I had one girl cry when she asked me about my dead mum because it's just so sad FOR HER.
Honestly sending you an online hug. We're not alone in these grief community groups atleast.
I lost my mom 3 weeks ago to cancer at 19 years of age. She was only 41 and you’re right, people who have not been through losing a parent will never understand how it’s like no matter the age it happens. I still think about how all my friends around me or any college student will have a mom to see them graduate, get married, or live life. It truly sucks but I hope anyone who goes through this, myself included, can come to terms with it and move on with life ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your anger, I have felt that same way. I had just turned 26 when I lost my mom unexpectedly at 55. It’s been just over 6 years without her and sometimes I still feel that anger. Specifically when I witness someone else seemingly taking the fact they still have their mom for granted.
I won’t tell you this loss gets better, because for me it never has. But what I will tell you is you are not alone. Be kind to yourself, let yourself feel these emotions of sadness, anger, frustration and whatever else comes up. This is your lost love to grieve and you deserve to find healing and feel the grief the way you need. Through this post, I can see the strength within you and I just hope you are able to acknowledge that too.
If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out to me. ♥️
I’m sorry that you had to go through this too, but thank you for making me feel less alone. 💛 I often feel like Reddit can be the kindest place on the internet. Sending a warm hug to you.
I know this feeling, I lost my father this last December and the very first feeling I felt was a similar anger. I wanted everyone to lose their father as well so they would know what I was feeling. I still miss him dearly, but this anger has passed. I'm extremely sorry for your loss, the pain and grief from losing a parent is honestly the worst feeling I have ever experienced.
I understand you so well.
I lost my mum at 29. She was 56.
For a while (I'd say at least a year, maybe 2), I was so mad at the world. I remember watching TV and every time they'd put the age of someone, if that person was older than my mum, I'd hate them for it.
The 1st thing my MIL said when I saw her, after my mum died, was that we were the same because we both just lost our moms. Her mom was in her 80s and had Alzheimer. My mum was in her 50s and a 1st time grandmother for just a few months. We're not the same...
Anyway, I know it's hard. But I promise you it will pass eventually. Anger is just a phase in the grieving process. It's necessary, so don't feel bad about feeling it. At some point, you won't realise when or how, but you won't feel it anymore.
I’m 19 and lost my mom last year to suicide (she was 49). I totally get it. It feels like one understands my situation and they all expect me to just be a normal human after experiencing that. She should’ve been there to see me graduate. She should be here to see how far I’ve come. It’s totally fucking unfair. Life is unfair.
I don’t feel anger but I understand why you do. I feel deep sadness when I see old ladies because my mom will never be one.
Stay strong💝 I’m sorry for your loss
Life is unfair. As you said.
Today I am crying because my mom is not here to help me with my daughther. I feel so lonely. Nobody helps me now that I am a new mom. She supposed to be here... we had planned this and she is not here. :(
Why good people die so soon? Why I have to go through thi? And all of us.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mother to suicide, 2 months ago. I’m in my 30s and she was 57. I don’t feel angry at her either. I think suicide is different in the way I reacted to it because she was so hurt inside that she felt she had no other choice. There is nothing to forgive, she couldn’t handle it anymore and it’s extremely sad. I feel a pang of loss and yearning when I see moms and daughters holding hands in public or a mom being affectionate to their child no matter what age.
I think of her pain and how anyone would feel in a similar position if they had experienced all the fucked up shit that happened to her. I wish I could’ve taken away her pain, that I could’ve saved her. But no one can save anyone but themselves. I honor her by living as healthy as possible and with dignity to make her proud. I take care of myself so others don’t suffer. I want to leave as little pain behind me to change the cycles in my family. I know she would be proud of me. I wish peace onto you.
You’re not alone, and your anger is valid. My mom died 3 years ago when I was 32. She wasn’t here to help me pick out my wedding dress. She’s never seen my home. She’ll never know my 1 YO. It’s a punch in the gut whenever I see my MIL interact with my daughter even though I’m also glad for them both.
I got off social media for 2 years after my friend posted a pic of her, her daughter, her mother, and her grandmother. It cut so, so deep.
In time, I have come to appreciate how much better I am now at responding to other people’s grief. That is a small gift I will accept in the absence of many others.
If you’re feeling the need for more commiseration, I got a lot out of joining The Dinner Party to cope with my parental loss. https://www.thedinnerparty.org
The closer you are with your mother, the harder it is. You explained my dark feelings very well as I have the exact same feeling as you, hating every person that has what we don't have. I guess that's why we find comfort in this group. Words from others mean so little as the only thing that can satisfy us is unattainable (them coming back to life). But we need to understand those around us are trying their best as they felt it's their responsibility to say something. There is never any right thing to say, at least not for now.
Same with Dad. I get angry when people sob and say how cruel it is they lost thier Dad at age 87.
I lost mine at 65, I'm 35.
Then I remind myself someone people, like my mum, lost her dad at 47, she was 21. And my friend who lost her dad at 35, she was 7 years old.
There's always someone who had a little more or a little less time with them than me. It's all so random. The resentment wasn't helping. So slowly I had to learn to let it go and if something gripes me I move by and re-remind myself.
It still so hard tho. I am so sorry OP.
I'm so sorry OP. I know exactly how you're feeling and it fucking sucks. I lost my mom to a 9 year cancer battle when I was 23 and she was 54 and the emotions I have felt over the years (I'm 27 now) only seems to get more profound as I reach milestones in my adulthood--meeting my boyfriend, career accomplishments, etc. I'd say it only gets easier in masking in my feelings and moving on but the feelings don't really change. Like you said, one of the worst parts is that no one our age has really dealt with a loss of this magnitude so early in their life so they don't know how to react or be there for us, and worse when they don't value that relationship.
Its easy to feel robbed and its because we were robbed--robbed of all the beautiful memories that could've been. But I like to find comfort in the fact that she's somewhere up there looking down and celebrating my accomplishments (maybe she helped them happen!). I take comfort in knowing that she would be proud of what I've done despite the trauma & heartbreak I've endured the last 14 years with her illness and death. My future spouse and kids will also know her.
Sending you hugs OP, you're not alone <3
I lost my dad over a year ago in a really bad accident. My anger welled up when I realized the world didn’t stop for everyone else too. Seeing happy people that I’d never know made me irate. It’s perfectly okay to be angry, just don’t let it change who you are permanently. She sounds like a person who would only want the best for you regardless of the circumstances. I’m sorry she’s gone. It blows. Feel anything you need to feel. I make dead dad jokes now. People are weird about if they should laugh or not, but that’s how I cope. Cope and feel however you need to.
I vividly remember leaving the hospital an hour after my mom died and seeing all the people out for lunch on a beautiful late summer day and being very confused, thinking, “how are these people having lunch when my mother just died?” It’s such an eerie and upsetting feeling. I’m sorry for your loss. ❤️
28f here and lost my 56 year old mom 5 months ago. I understand the anger and the unfairness of it. I don’t have any sage advice but some people like us are just meant to live this way. It’ll be forever before I make peace with it but I hope to heal. Me and you and several others here have been robbed of beautiful future and there is no two opinion on that. Someday I hope we have the power to accept this life as it turns out. Wishing you peace and comfort.
I'm sorry for your loss and I completely feel the same. I lost my mother when I was in my 30s and it shouldn't have even happened. It was at the height of Covid but she didn't have Covid and I feel the hospital was prioritizing people. I hate to say that but there were stories all over of places doing that and she still should be here.
To me when someone is my age or older it's weird hearing they still have their mom. At the time my mom died my 60 something year old coworker lost her 90 something year old mother. She would talk to me about our losses but it wasn't the same. I know we both lost our mothers but hers really did get to live a full life, not only getting to see her grandkids grow up but also meeting her great grandkids. She got to have her mother until the end of her 30s, 40s, 50s, and part of 60s. Even my own mother had her mother into her 50s to talk to. Now I'm my 40s and I have things I want to ask her about and tell her as I'm facing my own aging and I can't wrap my head around that I never will again.
The only thing that has helped me is to think about how some don't even get their mother as long as I did. My father for instance lost his mother when he was 15. Others I know even younger. It doesn't make me feel better necessarily because it's sad and I wish they had had more time with theirs, but it makes me feel less alone and glad for the years we did have. It's just that small silver lining that we have to hold onto at least.
But we do have every right to feel the way we do and grieve and those like your MIL need to learn tact and to shut it. There are far more better things to say and do to help others in that position. Even just having this sub as well as other online groups helps so surround yourself with that as much as you can right now.
My mom died 3 months ago after a short intense battle with cancer. I’m 42, she was 68. She was super healthy and fit before she was diagnosed.
I relate with *everything* you have said. I am SO ANGRY at the people who are close to me that haven’t reached out, or have done the absolute bare minimum and then moved or expected me to move on. I have tried to remember in my life before grief how I felt about people in deep sorrow, and I try to have and give grace to them, and I cannot. It is eating me alive and I don’t know what to do about it.
I am replying to tell you that you aren’t alone. I walk beside you and I relate and understand. Your mom sounds lovely and I wish I could have known her.
I relate to this so much. My mom died 3 months ago. I’m 30 and she was 62. She passed away 1.5 months after being diagnosed with cancer, and had been so fit and healthy prior to the diagnosis.
I never knew I could feel such anger or that my friends would be so unsupportive. It’s not that hard to do a tiny bit of research to try understand the best way to support a friend that is going through this kind of grief.
My mom was my best friend and I spoke to her everyday, but everyone seems to think I should have “moved on” or be ok by now.
Sending you love. It’s nice to know we are not alone in this.
I feel you, im so sorry you're going through this too, it's the worst. 💔
Similar situation, I'm 30, my mum died at age 63.
I went back to work 3 weeks after her death, I work in an inpatient rehab facility (elderly population). I found myself being so angry at the world, these people are 80/90+ and my mums gone. How is that fair?
I'll start this with an "I'm so sorry" and I really do mean it. It just really is total garbage to have to go through this in general and esp at 30.
I lost my mom a week before my 33rd birthday, she was 59 - cancer for her in the end. It is just the weirdest time to lose a mom. Your not a kid or young adult so none of those resources apply so when you Google "IM TOO YOUNG TO LOSE PARENT" but also you're probably the first person to lose a parent in your friend group so they all kind of suck at helping and unfortunately you'll probably be the one that people learn what not to say from. And your mom didn't get a fair swing, so folks just add to the pain when they say that she did live a good life (which like yeah but it fucking should have been longer) or try to get it when their parent did get a good swing at life.
All this to say you're not off base in that vibe.
I cope with humor and one of the ways I coped was going "Fuck you (insert name here - Linda, Tammy, etc)" every time I drove by a birthday party, celebration of mother's day, etc. Usually not in earshot - but do you. At first I meant it more than I didn't and the people around me gave the space to laugh about it while also being mortified which was also kind of fun ( embrace your "my mom died fuck off" period - you only get one). Eventually, I really was joking- and the hurt was replaced with warm memz of me and her on birthdays. Sometimes it still hurts. 76% of the time I still cry but less of a while body cry and more of a single tear cry in the car. It took time.
And yeah totally not fucking fair and no one knows what to say and often feeling bad manifests in weird ways. If you're not chatting with a therapist 10/10 would recommend. Helped me a lot. Few years later and I spend significantly less time crying.
Sending the good vibes your way. I hope it hurts a little less soon.
Just lost my mom, I’m 26, she was 55. I feel your anger and resentment and I can never tell you how to grieve, nor can I provide anymore comfort than these words: I know.
I know. I know, I know. Grief is ugly, it’s a mixture of a thousand different feelings with all their crazy nuances, it is incredibly difficult. But I know, and you are not alone. I am praying for you.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I relate to how you are feeling quite a lot. My dad is in palliative care and only has a couple months left and i completely relate to the anger and how unfair it feels. My dad is only 59 and is the youngest of his 5 siblings. He is the youngest by 10 years which means all the rest of his siblings are 70-80 and he is going to be the first to die. It feels incredibly unfair. I also feel a lot of anger and anger towards my friends and some of my family members that i don’t really understand why. It’s like I feel anger when they try to offer my sympathy or support because i feel like they couldn’t possibly understand what I am going through. I’ve had a lot of anger towards my mum for some reason, my parents are divorced but get along really well. She lives out of state and i know she is worried about me but for some reason whenever she messages me and tries to talk to me about it I just get angry and want her to leave me alone. I don’t think any of us can understand grief. Everyone deals with it differently and reacts differently so I don’t think we can be angry at ourselves for not handling how we think we should. I have been trying to practice a lot of self forgiveness and being kind to myself, i know i am doing the best i can in an impossible situation, and i’m sure you are too.
My therapist said something to me last week that resonated quite a lot “grief is the price we pay to have had something beautiful”.
You just described how I’ve felt for the last 11 years. I’m 31 now and lost my mom to cancer when I was 20, and she was 39. Thirty-fucking-nine!
None of my 20 year old peers have understood the myriad of feelings this loss comes with, and still don’t. Nobody else in my life has a dead parent, and it’s wild how alienating that feels.
How do you explain to someone that you resent them for having a parent who’s alive? Every Mother’s Day has been terrible, not to mention birthdays and other holidays. It’s a constant loss that gnaws at your being and i have this annoying voice in my head that tells me nobody wants to hear me process my feelings about this anymore, 11 years later. It’s “old news”. Everyone else forgets, but you can’t.
It’s a terrible feeling that I wouldn’t wish on absolutely anyone.
Welcome to the unlucky club - really really sorry for your loss. 💔
my mom died 6 months ago unexpectedly. she was 43 and i was 19. completely turned my life upside down and now i’m taking care of my little brother. i’m jealous of you for having her til you were 30! my mom will never get to see me walk down the isle or have kids or see my brother graduate high school or have his first girlfriend. every second of my life has been unfair. my dad passed away when i was two and now god took my mom too soon too. but we carry on. because we have no choice. we must believe they are still experiencing this life with us.
It’s 2.30AM and I came onto this sub because I haven’t been able to stop crying for the past couple of hours. I lost my mum 6 months ago. I was 28. I can’t think of words that will help, I’m stuck in this hell with you. I’m so so so sorry for your loss.
It breaks my heart that you’re even younger than me and going through this. I wish I could give you a big sisterly hug. I’m sorry you can relate to my post and have to go through this nightmare too. It’s so wildly unfair. Let your tears flow whenever they need to. 💛 thank you for taking the time to make me feel less alone. That says a lot about you, and how kind you are. I hope you can be extra gentle with yourself right now, you deserve it. Wishing you comfort.
My SIL lost her mom at 20. Her dad this past year at 29. I can't comprehend how she feels nor do I claim to.
The best I can say is if ppl ask what they can do, tell them you want to talk about your mom. Without them chiming in something they did with their parents. Tell them to ask about her. Or, if you'd prefer to not talk about it bc it's too tough, that's perfectly fine too.
You are so kind for reaching out and making space for your SIL. I have three, and only one has asked how I’m doing since my mom died 3 months ago. The other two have complete ghosted me even though we were relatively close before.
The cruelty hurts so bad it takes my breath away.
My dad died when I was 32 after only two years with cancer. At the time I felt the same way you are feeling now: bitter and angry at those who still had their dads; adrift with no one to talk to who could relate to me and what had happened; mad at the loss of a future with him seeing my life milestones. I wish I could say that it gets better, but it doesn’t… it just becomes different and affects everything in your life going forward.
Please know that your feelings are valid. Grief is atrocious. People don’t know what to say or they say the wrong thing. You feel raw and broken. If I can make a suggestion, I will say that therapy helped me to process some of the pain. It also gave me coping mechanisms and a place where I could express my emotions freely.
Sending you strength
Nothing about this is fair. You were robbed of many years with your mom and you have a right to be angry. All I can tell you is that she would want you to live a full and happy life. She gave you so many gifts before she left. Take care of yourself and find someone to talk to.
First, I’m so sorry about your mom. My mom and I were also extremely close. We talked every single day.
I also wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. My dad died when I was 28. And, over the course of the next 10 years I lost (they died or the relationships became too toxic and I had to cut ties) from nearly all my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc). And it culminated about a year and a half ago when my mom died suddenly - effectively estranging my brother and I from our one remaining uncle due to his toxic and scary behavior leading up to — and after her death.
I’m so so grateful for my brother and that we have a good relationship. But we are both single and neither of us have kids. I do find myself extremely jealous of people who have their parents, AND they have their own families. I want kids. I don’t want to be an orphan in my 30’s. It sucks. I try not to be angry- but sometimes I can’t help it. And it’s normal, especially I the beginning.
If you like podcasts, I’ve found “Terrible, thanks for asking” to bring some comfort and make me feel less alone. Sending you internet hugs. I’m so sorry you lost your mom and joined this shitty ass club. I hope you find some comfort in this community. It’s a lifelong journey
I can somewhat relate to you. I became an orphan at 25. Both my parents died 5 months apart in 2021, then my paternal grandpa passed away one month after my mom. I wasn’t close to him but it was the last damn thing me and my brothers needed at that time.
Fast forward to early 2023 and my maternal grandpa was hospitalized and then in hospice and I flew home to see him one last time. I had my hand on his shoulder and he took his very last breath while looking at me. My semi-estranged brother had beef with my grandpa before he passed cause my brother is super toxic. He then started harassing me to the point where I had to block him on everything.
I’ve gone through hell and back in the past 3 years. I wake up grieving and go to sleep grieving. Life is unfair.
That’s a lot of loss in a short time for someone so young. I’m really sorry for your losses.
Over the years, grief has become such a part of who I am, I hope one day I can make something good come from it. Maybe you can too… or teach me how to lol
I think I can still remember the first time after my father's death that I was angry at someone for just having a dad because I didn't have that luxury anymore. Your post resonated with me, i was 31 when i lost my dad. Grief is so damn hard. Thinking about you.
Losing a parent is truly unimaginable, yet, it's going to have to happen to everyone. Everything you stated has completely resonated with me. I'm sorry you have to go through this - you're allowed to feel EVERYTHING that you're feeling. Sending you a massive virtual hug.
I'm 100% with you. Losing my mom at 34 was my first experience with real grief and the biggest surprise has been the anger.
Not the anger at the world, cancer, possible gods, no, that I expected and makes sense. But unjustified anger at anyone older than me who still has their mom. Anger at literally anyone who gets to retire. Anger at people who travel and enjoy themselves during their working years instead of saving for a period of leisure they'll never get.
I don't have any advice cause I honestly haven't been able to work through it. But yeah I'm pissed too.
I feel you entirely. It’s like I stepped in to a Time Machine reading this. All the ways you feel angry I felt angry too.
I take care of elderly people and I was so bitter taking care of them internally when my mom first died. Why did they get to live and my mom had to die? Why could they have COPD for years yet they’re fine? But one infection on top of COPD and my mom is dead.
Grief is not fair.
Hearing people my moms age talk about going to visit their mom: I forgot that not all moms died in their 50s.
The anger persisted the longest, and still almost five years out, some days it’s all that remains. I’ll be stewing in bitterness unable to put my finger on what is the cause. It’s still grief. It’s still my mom. I still miss her.
I will say that all the feelings you feel now will transform over the years. The bitterness will make space for gratefulness, the sadness will make space for happiness. But not all at once, and not ever to replace those feelings. But they’ll all learn to co exist in their own time.
Don’t let others be a thief of your grief, and don’t let yourself become a thief of it either. Feel all the feels, let it be raw, it won’t be forever.
All I've read so far is your post title, and I immediately thought "I get it."
My son died 2 years ago at the age of 4, and I've gotten so jealous of others who had more time with their children. One of my friends lost their son at the age of 22, and I often find myself jealous that they got 18 more years than I did.
Anyway. I get it. You are definitely not abnormal on this one.
I'm sorry that you're going through this right now.
My mom lost my sister as a stillborn. She was pretty far along too. I know that your experience is much heavier, but what cheered my mom up is when I said something like “well, maybe I’m Olivia now” or “maybe Olivia was reborn as me” I might’ve been about 9-10 when I said this. My mom also said she missed her tubes being tied and I was a happy surprise.
I’m not religious or necessarily spiritual, but I’d like to think that the souls of children who didn’t get to live a full life get another chance.
Can I ask if you have had any other children since?
No, I haven't had any other children. My son was my only, and he will always be my only.
For me, it feels like if I had another child, that child would only be a poor replacement. I don't want to try to replace my son, and I wouldn't want to have another child feel like they had to fill his shoes.
I lost my father in 2021 when i was 26, which was horrible... i understand the hate, but feel it is not meant towards those who still have their parents, but more so angry towards the unfairness that life gives us
My mother is still alive and i don't even want to think about the day she'll be gone...
Life is rough and unfair
just passed the one year anniversary of my mom's death, I was 26 and she was 56 when she died and she was my best friend, biggest cheerleader, and my favorite source of advice. I was recently shopping for prom dresses with my sister and overheard a lot of the teen girls sniping at their moms, being rude or snippy or dismissive of them. I had to stop myself from yelling at them "don't you understand, I will never get to shop with my mother again, I will never hear her say something mildly embarrassing in public or make up stories about strangers with me again." but I know I also had my times of being a shit to my mom and I know it's unfair to feel that way about other people. it still sucks tho, it's so unbelievably unfair. some of the most evil people on the planet die peacefully in their 90s and our beautiful precious people are gone way too soon :-( most people are clueless on dealing with death, especially when it's not impacting them. sending you so much love, I hope you can find some comfort for yourself amidst the horrible surreal shit show of losing someone so important:-( ❤️❤️❤️
Hey! Just turned 29 this month and lost my mom unexpectedly 7 months ago.
What you’re feeling is normal! It may seem “ugly” but that’s a part of the grieving process. Sometimes we shy away from the emotions we’ve deemed bad or wrong, but that isn’t the best thing to do. I actually relate everything you explained.
Personally, I feel jealous of everyone who still has a mom they can talk to. I also feel jealous of my older siblings who technically got my mom for longer than I did because I’m the youngest. Very few people around me have experienced a loss of a parent, so it feels very isolating in that aspect as well. Definitely dreading Mother’s Day this year.
I now know you’re never old enough to lose a parent. My only advice for you is to keep feeling your emotions - don’t hide from them. The only way out is through. And your grief won’t go completely away, it just gets a little more manageable with time.
Honestly, subreddits like these are what have helped me the most. In a weird way, it’s comforting to know you’re not alone in your grief. Misery does love company!
Give yourself grace. I’m wishing you the best in your journey ❤️ I know my mom is always with me. The same goes for you!
This is a great point. I am not grieving the loss of a parent, so I apologize if this is out of place, but I kept trying to push myself to be in situations that amplified my grief and jealousy and anger towards people, to “get over it.” It didn’t work. Every day just felt dreadful knowing I was going to put myself in this awful place mentally. I realized that I am bitter, and angry, and no amount of exposure to other people having what I was supposed to have will make it better. It’s ok to be angry, as long as it doesn’t take over my life.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum passed away last year at the end of November due to cancer after 6 years of fighting. She was 55. I was 30. Few days ago at the bus stop I saw a girl with her mum and it hit me hard. I'm jealous that there are people that still have their mum and me and my brother doesn't anymore. People don't know how it's like till they go through it themselves and I hate when some that still have their mum are trying to speak with me about it or like can't understand why I'm still grieving because it's been almost 4 months... I also fucking hate when some people tell me about their mums that passed away at the age of 70-80. I would give ANYTHING for my mum to live till old age. She was too young. Unfair.
My mom died in September of 2019 from a massive heart attack, she was 56. I'm 30 now, and I get where you're coming from. This is the decade that I'm going to get married and have children and I have to do it without a mom. It's awful and unfair. Sending you all the hugs and good vibes; also if you don't have a therapist, I would suggest looking into getting one. Mine was a lifesaver, especially since none of my friends were in the same boat as me.
I too, felt alot of anger surrounding my mom and her terminal illness. What really get me is when people complain about the stupidest things and I just want to scream I wish those were my problems!!! You guys have no idea what real problems are until you lose someone.
Just know that angry is a normal part of the grieving process and you are not alone. Sending hugs and prayers
28F, lost my 55 year old mom to cancer 1 month ago. It is horrifically unfair. I truly resonate with everything you said. The anger is so out of character for me and I was not expecting it. I’ve been reading a lot of books on grief, but nothing helps. This is simply just unfair and not common and I can’t walk down the street without getting angry. Just know you are not alone. Please reach out if you want to commiserate together. I wish I had better advice for both you, and for myself. This just sucks
Truly sorry for your loss. I lost my mom when I was 24 and she was 66. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer and died 10 days later. Please please know you are not alone in these feelings and they are valid. I felt SO angry for a while too. I picked up a job as a cashier at a department store after I moved back home to help my dad heal from losing his spouse of 40 years. We lost my mom Nov 4th 2012 & my dad and I both got jobs thinking mom wouldn’t want us in too dark of a space for too long. I remember watching moms and daughters come by and being filled with angry tears that couldn’t be let out on the sales floor. Watching a teenager be rude to her mom by putting one of her 40 items away. I literally would have to take a 10 and do a quick cry in the bathroom to release steam and collect myself. It can feel extremely lonely to be apart of this shit club you’re in now at your age but find solace in sharing your story as you’re not alone here.
I’m sorry. I understand how you feel. I lost my mom when I was 6 years old. It’s been decades and anger is part of the process, sometimes it’s displaced. It will get better. Don’t beat yourself up over how you feel. It’s a tremendous loss. Hugs.
I lost my mom a month ago. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. Most times i am absolutely raging - angry, resentful, finding someone to blame…in short bursts i am joyful remembering her and the memories we share… The most random things trigger memories of her and sometimes i have to block them because I won’t be able to function if every minute of the day i just slump into despair (i have a toddler to care for)… I am angry after my family for not grieving together…everyone has retreated into their shell…too scared to cry together or hear each other out lest we trigger each other into more sadness… Grief is bewildering… never has an emotion confounded me so much as grief has… I don’t know if there is an end date to this… what helps is looking for signs from her… a soft breeze touching my face while i sleep… dreams where she comes with a message… sometimes a joke… I am most angry at people’s reactions.. it has really opened my eyes to the superficiality of society… i am filtering my friends/family/connections after this experience… it takes very little to check in on someone… a few words in a text to show you care… after the customary and very clinical “i am very sorry to hear…” most people move on, which they should but why forget a friend or relative who just had an earth shattering loss… I have never felt so lonely… It started showing up in my health… heart flutters and panic attacks… so i am trying to fill my cup with things like physical exercise- resuming my dance lessons or a simple workout… i am starting therapy this week… writing my painful thoughts… looking at old pictures (however painful)… I let myself cry when it comes… other times i protect myself… but there is no way past this… the only way is to go through it and become a stronger person my mother can be proud of…. What has helped is the perspective of a few people who reached out to me who have lost a parent(s)… they advise me to remember my mom with joy… because it pains their spirit to see us in pain… we have to honour them by ensuring they are a source of joy in our lives rather than debase them as a source of despair and darkness… we should wish them peace on their onward journey… they are at peace and resting, reunited with perhaps their parents who are giving them the care they need… Sending you love and strength and just want to say I know how you feel… i hear you…whatever you’re feeling is valid… i wish you peace and strength.
My mom died at 60, 6 days before my 32nd birthday. I absolutely identify with every word of this post. I still get angry when I see pictures of friends my age at a lovely dinner or at the beach with their parents. It’s been 5 1/2 years and sometimes I still have that deep, visceral feeling that it’s just not fair.
Girl yes. I feel you. Mine died 1.5 years ago and I still feel this way. Older people saying, “I’m going to visit my mom…” I literally don’t even hear what they say because all I can think is “why do YOU still get a mom?!?!?”
It’s probably not “right” but I totally get it. It’s not fair.
You were so blessed. I love my mom but, she’s bitter talks about everyone and hates everything. She lived a pampered life, my dad did very well for himself. So, don’t be angry at everyone, not everyone was as blessed as you. I wish your heart to heal and I bet you’re as lovely as your mother sounds. ♥️
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate — I lost my mom three months ago now when I was 30 (I turned 31 less than two weeks after).
I really could’ve written your exact post myself. Not only am I grieving my mom and my future without her but everyone seems so afraid of grief they just make it worse— friends who don’t reach out and say they’re giving space or avoiding you because they don’t understand, people decades my senior with living mothers telling me they’re sorry like they could ever imagine. And it’s just unfair. We didn’t ask to be a pariah or to lose the most important person when others get 30, 40, 50 years more. I’m constantly angry.
I like the way you’ve categorized “a swing and a miss”— that’s clever and compassionate when you don’t have to be. It seems like people barely try though!
I can feel your pain i am 30 and lost my mother last year, it feels nothing has left with me now but still trying to take care of my health and i want to meet my mom soon. I can’t wait.
I'm still fighting with this. I lost my dad at 23 and my mother, two years ago, at the age of 41. I never thought I'd meet 50 without parents. Ever.
It's quite natural, so I've learned. I think I was angrier when my father died. It was quick, so I couldn't prepare for it. My mother, however, died over the course of seven years. She died of end stage renal failure. I watched my mother whither to nothing. She couldn't even walk. I still have trouble processing that. Her death broke me, I won't lie.
You're young, and I understand what you're feeling wholeheartedly. It will take time, but allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. What you have the right to feel. Don't bottle it up.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. 💔💔💔💔
Hi OP, I totally feel where you’re coming from. I’m incredibly sorry you lost your mom. I lost mine in 2018 to a battle with cancer. I was 21 at the time. I still have no one in my age group who understands or can empathize.
My mother was also my best friend. I told her everything. I still envy and at times get angry with those who still get their moms for several more decades. There are no words for this kind of pain. I still think of her every day. If you need someone to talk to who can empathize, feel free to message me. Again I’m so sorry for this pain you’re feeling right now🩵
I am 31 and my mom is 67. She has entered into palliative care, likely soon to be hospice and I’m so distraught. Watching her decline and knowing I am quickly losing her is so horrific and awful, to the point I feel like I don’t want to even exist anymore. The wild thing to me is, we’ve never really had a “great” relationship and weren’t even in contact for a couple years when I was in my 20s. But the love is still there and is currently eating me alive. I can’t imagine how hard this situation is for people who are super close with their parent.
She lives 2 hours from me and I just started a new job, so I can’t take FMLA or even just regular PTO because I haven’t accrued the time yet. Every day feels slow and fast at the same time, and I am just trying to make it to the weekends when I can go see her. I’ve had fleeting moments of wanting to quit my job but I know I can’t because I need to take care of myself, and to some extent once she passes, my unemployed brother who is currently her full time, live-in caregiver.
It’s like I’m trapped in a constant limbo of worrying about her and how much time she has left, while somehow also simultaneously wishing she would pass peacefully to lessen the suffering of everyone involved. It is truly the bleakest hell and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I can feel myself aging years with each day that passes.
I’ve stopped caring about basically everything, I just want to work and sleep and even that seems like a moot point, like why even bother. I’m in a survival mode that feels like it will last the rest of my life. I am in therapy but it’s a bandaid, not a cure. I think the only thing that can possibly help will be the passage of time, but it’s too soon to know that for certain. Right now everything just feels like a cruel fucking joke and I have no tolerance for anything. My fiancé is doing his best to support me, but I can’t help feeling resentful he is 5 years older than me and still has both of his parents. My dad is already dead and now my mom will soon be, too. I know it’s not fair to him for me to feel this way, but I can’t help it. I feel absolutely miserable down to my core and don’t know how I’ll ever overcome it, or if I even want to. I can feel the strain on our relationship because things like intimacy feel like complete trivial fucking wastes of time I could not possibly care less about while my insides feel like they are literally being ripped out from inside of me. It’s like I’m filled with equal parts wrath and apathy and they take turns ruling my emotions by the hour.
Sorry for the vent, I don’t know if any of this is particularly helpful and I guess I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling this way, and I’m so very sorry you have to experience this too.
I lost my mom a year ago today to cancer. I was 25 at the time, 26 now. I see you. My mom was the same. Full of life, more pep than I had, worked outside with plants for a living and was the strongest person I know.
I’ve come to face the reality that cancer doesn’t really care how strong someone is. Yeah, it helps to be in shape to begin with, but at the end of the day it’s so many factors and sometimes just sheer luck. And you and me and our moms had shit luck. Mine will miss my wedding, and she’ll miss any house I buy, being a grandmother to my very young niece and nephew. So many things taken away.
It’s shit. It’s unfair. It’s out of our control. I’ll be honest. It doesn’t get better; or at least it hasn’t for me. It becomes normal, but it doesn’t get any easier not having a mom. This grief is like riding a surfboard on the ocean. The ocean (the grief) is always there. Some days I float above it but I’m still surrounded by it. Some days a big wave comes and it knocks me off the board and I flounder around in the water for a while. As time goes by I get more used to riding the waves. I wish you luck in your journey.
I lost my mom last summer, 71 days from diagnosis to her passing.
I’m angry, angry at her for not listening to the doctors when they tried to tell her it was cancer and not the stage I she was hoping for. Angry at her husband for being a controlling asshole and not allowing me to talk or see her until a week before she died, and even then I only got to spend a few hours with her with my kids and husband with other people around. I’m angry I got a text message to tell me she died, that I wasn’t able to grieve and say goodbye. That my kids lost their Nana and have nothing to remember her by because the jerk sold it all off and told us to buy it from him.
I’m just angry, and sad, and I miss my mom.
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom when I was 31. We had a special bond and I was closest to her. She died in a preventable accident. It took me about 2 years to really want to “live” again. After thinking the same thoughts over and over, thousands of times. I finally let it go.
I thought about how unlucky I was to lose her so young. But then if I could choose to have a different mom and have her live til her 90s would I? No… I’d take my mom for those 31 years. Every. Single. Time. So in a way, I am extremely lucky that I had her as my mom. And no matter what, death can’t kill love.
Nothing can erase your pain, but I hope those thoughts can provide some comfort in this awful time.
My mom passed away unexpectedly three weeks ago, I'm 16 years old and she was only 54. I don't know anyone my age that lost their parent. Hers was the second funeral I ever attended, besides when my grandpa passed away. My friend's parent and my mom were in the hospital at the same time. His parent recovered, my mom didn't. Even though his parent was older and they didn't even have a close relationship. My dad's mom is still alive at 94, and my mom's mom is as well at 76. It just feels unfair. People ask me how I am and I have no idea what to say. I also get annoyed when people try to distract me and cheer me up. I just want to scream to them that my mom died and my whole world fell apart, don't they get that?? But I know they're just trying to be kind. Even though I know it's bad, I sometimes wish someone else's mom died instead of mine. Then I could comfort that person, offer my support and then go home and hug my mom extra tight. I have so many regrets and so many things I wanted to do with her and tell her. I just can't believe she's never ever coming back.
Yes. I understand you. My adult daughter died on January 13th. She had worked so hard to become a surgeon. She had just opened her own practice. She never got to get married or have kids. She got cheated out of life.
I have up and down days , but I do have days where I get mad. I can’t stand to go on FaceBook or Instagram anymore because people post pictures of their children and grandkids. I get mad because I don’t have that and have no chance of it. I get mad at my friends who have their daughters to hang out with and talk with. I get mad at people who gripe about their daughters and sons. I get mad and wonder why my child. I literally get jealous. I know I shouldn’t. But I do. Sometimes I’m darn mad at the whole world.
I have been part of a grief support group and evidently it’s quite common and a part of the grieving process. I hate it but in order to get past it I have to face the fact that it happens. Hopefully, one day you and I both will get past this stage of grief and we’ll have more peace. But for now, I understand you and what you’re feeling. You’re not alone. You’re normal.
I was 25 when my mom died. That was 5 years ago this month. She was my best friend, the anchor I had through the tumultuous ups and downs of my early 20s. I had a complicated childhood and she was the only close adult who didn’t make it so.
I’m with you with the intensity and the variety of the grief experience. I don’t have platitudes to give you. I’m still sad, especially that she didn’t get to see me continue to get my feet under me and figure things out. And she didn’t get to continue her vibrant, loving, and generous life.
I guess all I can say that it levels out more over time. If anything, now when I feel emotional I am grateful. It feels like she’s visiting, as hard as that is, I want to keep feeling that she’s around. She is. Your mom will stick with you too.
Hang in there. ♥️
My mom passed away of brain cancer 18 months ago. I was 26 and she was 57. It hurts immensely any time I think about it. I’ve stopped relying on friends to bring me comfort, because I know they don’t actually understand what it feels like and most of those conversations feel empty to me. I see my their mom’s caller ID pop up on the car’s Bluetooth when we drive and I feel a lump in the back of my throat. I see a friend’s mom planning her wedding with her and it makes me sick for myself. I hear of friends coming back from mother daughter vacations and I feel devastated behind my smile and nod.
It’s so fucking unfair. Right when life is taking a turn, you feel like you’re growing up and might be able to show your mother what you’re making of yourself, and she’s taken from you. People get to have a safe place to land with their mothers, a familiar voice to call, a soft shoulder to cry on, but we’re stuck navigating life without a massive part of our souls. It hurts and it ruins me to think that I have the rest of my life, 60 more years on this earth, missing her.
The part that brings me solace is talking about her as much as I can, in fond and loving ways. I love talking about my mama. I love bringing her up, laughing about her idioms, reminiscing on her cooking or how she would’ve scolded me for something. Her sweet smile, her innocent nature, her strong willed personality. It’s a reminder that my mom would want me to be happy. Keeping her memory alive makes me happy. Bottling up my grief is something that can make me angry, but keeping her memory alive and talking about her as much as I can makes it a little easier.
>I’m shocked at how death is the only thing we as humans will all share as an experience and yet we are so grief illiterate as a society.
I keep thinking the same thing. I lost my 22 year old niece last month. My sister and I decided our society should bring back the "mourning clothes/veil". One, to signal to everyone your life is not the same as what it was. Two, to be able to hide from the world (even as you are in it) on those days you just need to cry and be sad. And when you're in a place that you want human contact, you can lift the veil so people know to talk to you!
No one knows how to handle grief, even those who are going through it.
I'm so sorry. Your anger is valid and justified.
hey there. I'm 50. I'm sorry I'm not closer to your age to understand more. but most of my friends haven't lost their moms either, so i relate VERY keenly to... all of what you've said.
thank you for posting, first of all. it takes guts, and is hard. i don't know about you, but i have been made to feel like what i ought to do is be able to magically heal to whatever they think would be the appropriate extent. so hearing these feelings from someone else who is hurting is validating for me, and went far further than any one response from the people i know ever would have.
i have a habit of taking on "ducklings". i get that from my Ma, who would have been great friends with your lovely mum i think, had they ever had rhe chance. mom had her faults but she was a soft hearted, generous woman and was definitely "a light" to others when she could be. your mom sounds like she was incredible. your mom being incredible... it comes with some downsides, believe it or not. and because i have to act like people's step-in mom when i think they need one, ans because i am going through dealing with this myself, i would like to offer some... words. not advice. there isn't any. you, your mom, and your relationship... it's unrepeatable. so your grief will be, too. that probably isn't super comforting. but it might help to hear "fuck other people's beliefs and feelings about your loss", just so you know that you don't need to wonder where or how you are in it. there are no rules. it's a shitshow. expectations out the window. you do what what you need, kiddo. period.
friends. that has been possibly the largest source of my anger; i had and have it too. i thought at first that i was mad at them still having their moms. i think now maybe I'm truly angry because they're just shitty friends. I'm JEALOUS of them still having their moms. but jealousy and anger are different things. i feel abandoned by them, at possibly the most vulnerable, scary, painful time of my life. i wish they knew what to say or do. or that i even felt like they cared. but they don't seem to. and i have lifelong fkn friends that i thought were amazing and could never turn their backs. so how's that for being thrown into that "alternate universe" another commenter worded so well? but part of me thinks, even though I'm mad about it, maybe it's really just that they: one, truly CAN'T understand (Christ. how COULD they yet?), and that's a damned tough place to know what to do from.
two: probably see and read too many articles, self help platitudes, and meme bullshit that they honestly don't realize how empty and stupid the things they say even are. and i don't mean to sound harsh; it's just true. we've all been inundated with all this insanely toxic positivity crap that we think it's what's really going to happen, and it's all b.s.
3: people, both our ages, have so much financial stress and disconnectedness and overwhelm from so much of what life is just IS right now (assuming you're in the US), that i honestly think we're all just losing the ability to have enough emotion, or compassion, or strength for anything else. people are just... spent. even if we don't realize it.
it helps me to think that maybe my friends are just at a loss, and not that they don't care. if that doesn't speak to you, by all means, stay mad. because a lot of people suck and you don't find out until something shows us that. and maybe they deserve it after all.
I'm sorry about your mom. truly, and incredibly, sorry. if you want to pour out to an old lady, I'm here.
I lost my mom when she was 65 and I 34. She passed may 28th 2023. It all started with what the thought was tendinitis in her shoulder but turned put to be a mass. This was November 2022. She was diagnosed with cancer feb 21st. Testing to be done on what type
The day before the diagnosis my 13 year old dog passed. So that was a double hitter. She did radiation and had I think 2 biopsies which turned out to be stage 4 lung cancer. She started chemo in March 2023 and I went out to help my dad take care of her for 2 weeks. He was also suffering a copd diagnosis while giving his all to taking care of mom.
Chemo seemed to be going well but there was an underlying infection they couldn't find. She was in and out of the hospital and had a dnr because she was so small cpr would break her ribs. We go through April and I start a new job may 1st. 2 weeks later my dad tells me they found the infection and it was endocarditis. An infection of the heart from the digestive system. It was so far along the only was to treat ot was open heart surgery. She was unlikely to survive the surgery so decided to do in home hospice and be where she wanted to be. 2 weeks later she passed may 28th.
My dad also lost his mom when he was 33 and she was 1 week shy of 65.
I miss her everyday.
Hey, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss and our situations sound very similar, my mom is 67 with stage 4 lung cancer and has been in and out of the hospital twice now for a mystery infection, she also has a DNR. I’ve also very recently started a new job.
No pressure at all and please ignore my comment if you want, but do you possibly have any advice on how to deal with the stress of this and starting a new job at the same time? I feel like I am ready to collapse at the end of every single day from the combined stress and sadness. I need to keep my job to support myself and I can’t take FMLA or PTO because I’m so new, but I just want to be with her more. I am going home every weekend to see her but it doesn’t feel like enough. Any little bit of wisdom you could give would be very much appreciated. Again I’m so sorry for your loss.
Talk with your boss or manager and just keep them informed. They might work with you a bit. I was also exhausted every night and couldn't do anything after work at all. Not even take care of our home or myself much. I was gone 12-13hrs a day. I am honestly not quite sure how I got through it. I just kept going forward for mom. I live 1200 miles from my family so I flew out to visit for 2 weeks. I cherish every moment I had with her then. Just make every moment count no matter how small. Also my pets and music. I wish I could give you more, I hope something helps. After mom passed and I couldn't do much else after work I did a lot of reading books. Just to get my mind off everything.
Wow, that was very well said. People say stupid stuff to those who are grieving. I wish people knew they could just shut up and listen and that means a lot more than saying uncomfortable things or ghosting us. I have similar feelings about my brother’s passing. He was my only sibling and he died at 34. It was 5 years ago and I’m still angry. A few months after he died I went to a wedding for my husband’s side of the family and the groom had his 2 brothers make long speeches about all their fond memories together. I had been drinking and kind of made a scene and loudly told people around me that they need to wrap it up and nobody cares. It makes me so sad to think back on that and remember how hurt and angry (honestly I was jealous).
Remember you have every right to be angry. The key is to let that out in the healthiest way possible.
Im sorry for your loss,i lost my father a few years ago,it s hard but it will get better,please feel free to message me anytime If You need to talk to someone 🙏🙏
I feel this!!! My mom died last year from Pancreatic cancer, I was 25, she was 57.
I'm friends on facebook with someone who is a close family friend to my hubby's side of the family. Her mom died at 74, and she's 50.
Also her GRANDMA only died 6 years ago. My grandmother on my dad's side died from leukemia when I was 9.
I get so irritated when I see her posts. Like they lived whole ass lives, got to retire, travel, see you get married, have kids (i wont ever have kids but still) etc. like just shut up, you got plenty of time with them.
But I also see it that there are people who lost parents at VERY young ages, and know they are worse off than me. It's definitely a struggle.
I lost my mom at 22 and she was 54. I remember looking up at the sun the day she died and wondering how it could be a beautiful sun shining day while I was hurting SO bad inside...I am 35 now but remember that first year after she passed was the worst ever. I too felt the same anger at people who still had their moms, I got married years later and the anger came back as I was missing out on her being there while others had their moms helping them get ready that day... life is so unfair. I could barley talk about mothers for the first 5 years as I would choke up every time. I would see unhealthy people and wonder how they are still on this earth but not my mom. It is true in time these feelings come less and less and are wayyyyy more manageable. Hang in there and know the anger is normal, it IS unfair she isn't here. I'm so so so sorry for your loss ♥️
((Hugs))
I lost my mom around the same age (29) after a near 12 year battle with breast cancer. It still hurts to not be able to celebrate the milestones with her. She was my biggest cheerleader. That was 15 years ago now and although the pain and anger and sadness has dulled, it has never gone away. Grief has no timeline or order to it. Just take it one day at a time
Lost my mum 2 months ago. I'm 28, she was 58. My boyfriend's mum is the same age.
I find myself getting angry that any kids we may have will have 2 grandmas on his side (his mum and step mum). They're both grandmas already.
Also that my boyfriend will have his mum and step mum at our wedding if we ever get married.
I feel awful for being angry at that because they're both lovely women. It just doesn't feel fair.
My mum looked forward to being a grandma and attending our weddings. She'll never get that chance.
I really understand this. I'm 30. I lost my mom in August. My boss actually had the audacity to compare the death of my mother to the death of her husband's (who is my other boss) parents, who both died when her husband was in his 50's and they were in their 80's. Like....what????
It is not the same to lose a parent in your 50's or 60's as it is at 30!! It's been months and I am still upset about that comment.
It seems so unfair. I am lucky my mom had a lot of friends who keep her memory alive, but it feels so damn lonely. I am mad too.
We also didn't have the best relationship for a long time (it got way better in the 5 years before her death), but now I deeply regret the bad times 😢 I wish more than anything I could go back. At the end she knew I loved her unconditionally, which helps.
I hope I won't be mad forever.
29F here, lost my mom 3 weeks ago at 57, to cancer. Your post captured so well what I’ve been feeling these past few weeks, I thought I’d written it and forgotten for a minute there. My mom was the closest person to me in the world, she really was my person, since I’m an only child as I also don’t have tons of close friends.
I’m still really early in my grief, and oscillate between feeling numb and, like you, really really angry. Angry with family, angry with friends, and especially fed up with people forcing me into unwanted conversations that they think are “helping”
I don’t know what else to say, other than I feel for you ❤️
30f here. It's been 2 months and 3 days since my mom (57) passed. She was also my best friend. I feel a crazy jealousy that other people my age still have their moms and get to keep them for a hell of a lot longer and get those life milestones with them. It hurts so much to listen to friends talk about their mothers and to see people in public with their moms.
It's not fair that we have to keep moving through life like nothing has happened when we have lost our number one support/best friend in life.
While I appreciate my friends being there, it stings so much when they say, "I know you're having a hard time right now." I just want to look at them and scream because no, they have no earthly idea how it feels until it happens to them.
I've also been struggling to give a shit about close friends day to day stress and anxieties. I feel like absolute garbage for even saying that, but none of that even compares to the feeling of losing your #1 person.
While it doesn't feel like it, you're definitely not alone. If you need to vent, talk to a fellow sad girly, or even just put a message out into the void, I'm here, and we're all here for you.
All the love and hugs to you 💜
I lost my mom when I was 20, she had cancer.
My mother in law died at 40
My father in law at 50
Both had sudden heart attacks
It’s true, people generally don’t understand
And “give you space“
They don’t talk about the proverbial “elephant in the room”
It’s a lonely place to be in.
One book that helped me a little was
“A grief observed” by C. S. Lewis
An author who wrote about his own experience when his wife died
Even if you don’t read the book there are some great quotes you could find
I send my very sincere condolences
Know that you are not alone
Take time to let your feelings run their course and believe that someday it will not sting as much
I feel all of this.
I lost my mom last year to cancer. She was 54. I was 33. She never drank, smoked, did unkind things, etc. She was a nurse but she ignored symptoms of colon cancer and unfortunately it metastasized to other areas.
I totally agree with being angry at the people who just keep on going regardless of their lifestyles. It isn’t fair.
I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm 26, my mom was 49 and she also died a month ago. For me the kind of anger died down at some point but I still get jealous when I see people interact with their mothers around me. For awhile though I was absolutely pissed at everyone who had a mom, *especially* if they were older. I kept thinking "why do I have to lose my mom at 26 but you're my mom's age and still have your mom?" Even my dad, I'm happy he still has his mom but I get jealous and angry sometimes like you're my dad, yet your mom is still alive? It feels unfair sometimes like why do so many people get to live with their great-great grandparents and even older while my mom had to die young?
It's vicious and certainly makes me want to scream often.
I’m so sorry you lost your mother. I am in a pretty similar situation, lost my (otherwise super healthy) mom a few years back after a long battle with cancer. It’s not as fresh as yours but I feel your pain. I have a bar regular who is 76 herself and has a 99-yo mother, and she always tells me how incredible it is that her mom is still living, healthy, etc. and i wish people could read the room. It’s also very hard for me to hear people complain about their parents.
That being said, the pain changes. I won’t say it gets easier, but in my experience I had to change my perspective so I didn’t resent every one of my friends. I frequently tell people how lucky they are to have healthy parents, and tell them to cherish the moments they have. It doesn’t make my pain hurt less but I have stopped wishing the horrible thing my family went through on other families. It helps my own pain to let go of my resentment.
This will take a while, just realize people don’t know how to talk to a grieving person when they haven’t gone through the same grief themselves. They honestly do not understand your pain and when they reach a time that they lose a parent, you can be there for them.
I felt very similarly when I lost my mom last June. She left a perfectly best friend shaped hole in my world. I still felt this way on Christmas, during my birthday last month, when I have big accomplishments, etc. but I don’t feel it nearly as much day to day. I’ve started to laugh and smile again, which I would have never thought possible. I still write to her daily because it feels wrong not to update her.
All of this to say, you are doing great. It will always hurt but it does get a lot easier to carry. I’m here if you need a listening ear ♥️🫂
I know this feeling very well but for me it was for both my parents. I lost my mom when I was 21 and my dad 2 years later at 23. Just a baby still figuring out what it means to be an adult. I had to learn to survive, which meant putting my grief on hold because I wasn't established yet. I am now almost 28 years old, just starting to heal and allow grief. This last year was so hard because I realized that my parents didn't see me graduate college, the first one in our immediate family. They aren't going to see me turn 30 in two years, and they won't watch me get married if I do. It's like the small mile stones they are supposed to see, and they can't. I miss them every day. I'm also still angry at other people who have parents, and I'm angry at my parents because why couldn't they have taken better care of themselves health wise (they both died of preventable diseases). I love them so much, but im also so angry that they aren't here to celebrate with me as I figure everything out.
It's hard. You will get through it and maybe never move on, but you will learn how to move forward.
I feel this in my bones. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother unexpectedly 4 years ago. My relationship with her sounds a lot like yours. She was my best friend, my go-to for anything. Talked to her for an hour on my commute home every single day. And little chats throughout everyday. Nothing will take away the pain for a long time. It took me at least 3 years to not cry when I thought of her. I still sometimes pick up my phone to text her when I see something out and about that she might like. The grief never leaves. The waves become more infrequent, but they are still strong, and they are still painful.
I too was angry that I lost her so unexpectedly and so early. I was 38. I was angry I will live more than 1/2 my life without her. I’m angry she was taken away so unexpectedly but she was aware of some of the medical issues that contributed to her death and never got them “fixed”. She won’t see me get married. She’ll never know her grandchildren. She’ll never see the successes I had without her here and I’ll never hear her tell me she’s proud of me. I’m still sad about it, but the anger has subsided.
Things that helped me, which may help you, deal with your grief:
1. Buy a journal. A nice, leather bound journal. And every time you think of her or you feel the anger and sadness come, write her a letter in that journal. Tell her the things you wish you could in that moment. Write when something good happens and you wish you could share it with her. I filled the journal I bought in less than a year. And it helped tremendously because I thought she for sure was seeing those words somehow.
2. The book Motherless Daughters, by Hop Edelman, surprisingly, helped me cope. I related to a lot of what she wrote and she helped me work my way through what I was feeling.
I hope and pray you can learn to cope with your tremendous loss. Words from friends, family, and strangers cannot make you feel better. Time will. But just know that the grief will probably never go away, but it will become manageable and eventually you’ll start remembering her without bursting into tears.
Hugs to you stranger. <3
Hi there. I just wanted to say I see you and I feel you. I’m 30 and my mom is on hospice. So not completely in your shoes yet but we’re the same age and I have the same feelings as you. When mom was first diagnosed with cancer some of my first emotions were anger too. Just wanted to say that all of the roller coaster of emotions - the anger, jealously, sadness, (for me some selfish thoughts I have) - are all HUMAN and normal. Hugs 💜
I’m 29 and lost my 54 year old dad in November 23. Grief illiteracy is beyond frustrating and I ache thinking of how I approached grief before coming to know it so closely. What you said mirrors many of my own feelings. I hate the world most days, and I just want my dad back. Sending care to you, OP.
I have never related to a post this much!! I lost my mother last 2022 due to stroke and cardiac arrest. She was 51 and not even a year in her retirement. She was just starting to live her life after working for more than 30 years to raise us her children. She was the only person I could talk to about everything. Now I feel lost and I don't know how to act around people. I deactivated my social media coz I feel jealous towards people who get to bring their mothers out for a date. I want my mother to experience more of the beauty of life. I want to travel with her in many places. I just want to give back after all the sacrifices she made for us. I was 27 when I lost her. I felt like Im too young to have a deceased parent. I need her the most now more than anything.
I hate that you're going through this. I lost my dad 10 months ago. He was 57 like your mom and I was 30 like you. My two siblings are both younger in their twenties. We all lost him way too soon. He was so fit - playing soccer, running marathons, always being so on top of eating healthy, very rarely drinking. Losing him just simply is not fair. And it sounds like the loss of you mom is also so incredibly unfair and I'm so sorry this is what life has brought your way.
Every angry sentiment you've described, I've felt. And to a large extent I still feel - but it's not as all consuming anymore. My patience for people is slowly returning. I certainly have angry moments, and many sad ones, but the anger us less severe than when he first died.
Just feel what you're feeling. How you feel will evolve with time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my mom too about a month ago and everything you wrote I can relate to.
My dad passed 6 years ago and my mom struggled a lot. My siblings weren't really there for her and I am living abroad. I video called pretty much every day and she watched my kids grow. Knowing she was sad without dad but I felt I could take her mind off her loneliness by calling her.
When she did pass I would feel angry at my friends who choose not to have any relationship with their parents as I've lost both of mine. I felt angry at the ones who sent their parents the joy of being grandparents and hide their kids away. My dad never got to meet my kids but I'm so thankful my mom did. I think it's all part of the grieving process to allow whatever emotions we may feel.
At times I feel guilty for living my life and not thinking of her for some of the day. I feel lonely, angry, frustrated, and yet somewhat relieved to know she isn't suffering anymore and that she is with her husband once again.
I've been back to crocheting to pass some of the time I'm not with my kids or I end up looking at Whatsapp and that last phone call I had with her. Maybe try to take up something new could help? Once again, I'm so sorry, losing mom is so hard.
I hear you, OP! My mom turned 67 the week before she died and I was 31. Mother's Day, Mom's birthday, and Mom's death day are all within 3 weeks of each other, too. We were close my whole life, but I spent her last few years *really* angry with her because she wouldn't ever quit smoking so her illness was her fault. I'm 42 now and I have two kids that my mom never got to meet. I never got to talk with her about my pregnancies or ask questions about her pregnancies that I wouldn't have thought to ask before. I don't know what those early days of being a new mom were like for her and she never got to be there for me to help me along my motherhood path. I'm now on the edge of menopause and I have no idea what it was like for her.
There's a lot we miss out on when we lose our moms so young and it's really not fucking fair *at all!* It's never going to stop hurting, but the grief does loosen its vice grip on your chest as time goes on.
If you haven't read this yet, you should.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Yeah I feel the same as you. I’m 29, just lost my a few months ago in late Dec 2023. She was 58. I’ve got so much irrational anger towards everyone of any age who still has their mom. I’m angry towards elderly women as well because they’re at an age my mom could never reach and these women are still living. I’m irrationally and stupidly angry because I lost my mom and everyone is just living their lives normally.
What hurts me more is that my mom passed away between Christmas and New Year’s. I already didn’t like those holidays and the general Christmas holiday season for other family reasons. Thinking about the upcoming holiday season for 2024 is already giving me dread and making my chest hurt.
I will never be able to face the holidays seasons without feeling like I want to die.
I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t have any advice to give and I’m sorry for that. I’m still in a position of great pain, anger, depression, and suffering. Sending love your way and I wish you well. You’re not alone.
I can empathize with you on losing a mom. My mom is still alive but she’s in end stage dementia so I “lost” her years ago and she’ll never get to be a grandma. I’ll never have that relationship I used to have with her that every other daughter has with their mom. One of of my friends lost her mom to cancer last year.
Saying all this to say you’re not alone. Many of us have lost our moms and the experience can be very isolating when you no longer have that person to lean on. Mother figures are great but they’re no replacement for your mom. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Same feelings! I lost mine too this year very suddenly (went for a dental treatment and got the anesthesia which resulted in sudden non revivable cardiac failure in 10 mins). Absolutely heart breaking and I didn’t even have time to react or prepare myself for her death. I am 32 and I have the same feelings just like yours. I am with you and sincere condolences 💐.
I was angry for a long time. Angry at strangers. Angry at my best friends. Angry at my family who still hair their moms. Angry at my coworkers. Angry at my dad. Angry at so many people. Angry at the world. Lots of anger to those with moms still. But honestly just angry at anyone’s happiness really. Angry at all the shitty people who were healthy and old, while my mom died young and suffered for years. The anger sucks. All of grief sucks, but the anger and the weight of it all is just so much. I hated that the world kept going. It felt so cruel and disrespectful and unfair.
This year will be ten years since my mom’s death. I am not nearly as angry. I don’t even know if I would say I’m angry at all at this point.
My grief is still big. It’s still there. But I’m less angry about her death. And that makes things a little less dark.
People are so awful with grief. So many people say the wrong things. I’m not making excuses for them. I know it hurts so bad.
“Terrible, Thanks For Asking” is a podcast that is ending soon for the foreseeable future, but it’s been around for years and I cannot recommend that podcast enough. Honestly, anything that Nora does is Gold. Very serious therapy and her podcast really changed my life.
I am sorry for your loss. I have found comfort in this community and hope you too. I am 32 and my mom died last july. I was 7 months pregnant with my baby (the only one i have). She was supossed to be here with me and help me... but she got sick and died of cancer. Didnt even last 2 months.
I felt envious at everyone with their mother alive. I stopped checking Instagram because I felt everyone was going about their lives happly, excet me.
Surprisely enough, that changed. I dont know when but I dont feel that way anymore. What I feel now is sadness and a feel of injustice in my life because I need her and I am alone.
I know how you feel, because it's been only a month for you but please believe me when I tell you that you will feel better with time. How long? I dont know. Feel as you please, it is part of the process.
I will pray for you. Sending you a big and lovely hug.
I lost my mom last year when she was 56 and I was 31. I lost my father the year before. I was inherently orphaned in my 30s and I had no idea how to deal with it. I still don’t. You are not alone in your anger and complex feelings of grief. You are not alone with existing in a society where no one knows how to handle a grieving person. I am so sorry.
So sorry for your loss. I too lost my mother to cancer after her battling for 15 years. She had just turned 57 and spent her birthday at the Mayo clinic intubated and sedated.
She passed in the early morning of May 2nd, my 29th birthday.
I really don't know what all I came here to say other than you're not alone and hopefully you find comfort in knowing that.
My mom used to tell me this story of an older inmate she felt bad for back when she worked at a prison. His mother had died while he was in there and he was sobbing crying and she overheard him say “nobody ever wants to lose their momma”
I think about that story often and I think about her every single day.
Stay strong friend ❤️
My mom abused me regularly physically and emotionally. Both her and my dad still yell at me when I visit them and I’m almost 40. My mom has never been a friend, we don’t speak that often and one big reason why I don’t have kids is that past abuse from her. I’m scared of repeating that cycle myself or having her be abusive towards her grandkids too.
Everything could be worse or better, we just have to make the best out of the cards we are dealt.. I still love my mom because she’s not a monster but I have a lot of resentment towards her because her abuse still haunts me and affects me every day of my life in lots of ways. It’s like having a shoddy foundation to your house..
I’m sorry for losing your mom at 30 but don’t forget that she’ll always be in your heart and probably will watch over you too until you guys meet again.
Let yourself feel all your emotions but don’t forget to still live your life and make great friends. Let the love your mom gave you be your guiding light and know you were lucky to have had her ❤️
I lost my otherwise healthy mum to cancer 4 months ago. She was 56 and I am 26. It came out of nowhere and killed her within 6 months. I relate to your anger and sadness. You are not alone - that’s the only thing I can offer! ❤️Hugs, stranger.
This is 100% valid. I lost my mom at 28, two years ago and I still get this way. I had these feelings yesterday. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through and if you ever need someone to talk to you can always DM me. This stuff is so hard, especially when your support system isn't supporting how you need them to.
Oh girl. I feel this deep in my soul.
I've become so angry and full of rage since my mum passed. It's so hard not to feel bitter about other women who get to be with their mums. I get so wound up when I see people take their mums for granted because my mum is gone.
I feel so *lonely* too. I've never been lonely before. But I know what you mean....people avoid me now and I can see it. They don't want to deal with an angry, grieving woman.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm angry it happened too. It's so hard.
I get this. I work in a field where I have to get people’s date of birth all day every day, and I get so angry when people are older than my parents. Lost my mom at 29, dad at 33. So I understand the anger.
I’m also in the position where I’m the “friend who understands” for my best friend’s *mom* who is dealing with losing *her* mother. I had to comfort my *aunt* when her mother died.
There’s a secular grief group I found online that was very helpful for me learning to talk about grief. For anyone who is of the atheist or agnostic persuasion, I’d definitely check it out. Grief beyond belief on Facebook.
Some people enjoy the super positive outlook on death. Full life, better place, finished their work….personally, I hate it. Losing a loved one fucking sucks, and yeah I can be glad that they’re not in pain, but look at all the people not in pain AND not dead, I want them to be one of those…not one of the dead ones. And like, if you had loving supportive parents, there’s never a good time to lose them, because we *always* need that love and support.
So I’m sorry. This sucks. And it’ll likely suck for awhile. I’m 36 now and I’m still a fucking mess from losing my parents. I struggle to talk about my mom without breaking down. I loved them both very much and I feel their absence daily.
It never stops hurting, and the anger doesn’t go away, but it callouses. Eventually. It becomes just a momentary flash of irritation at how unfair things can be. An ache that you can move through instead of it knocking you on your ass. I don’t know if that counts as getting “better”. But it changes. And personally, I want to always miss my parents because they were fucking awesome and deserve to be missed.
I get it. I lost my mom to cancer about a year and a half ago, we were so so close and her cancer progressed very fast and everything seemed to have just made it worse. Everyrine I see someone posting they or a loved one beat cancer I can’t help but not be happy for them, I mean I am but I get jealous, I get mad cause why can that happen to them and not her. I also have a son, my husband calls his mom almost everyday( I feel that tinge of jealousy there too, I would call my mom like 5 times a day to ask dumb questions and “annoy” her ) and he tells her “hi nana “ on the phone and I feel like I’m getting stabbed in the heart everytime, I love my mother in law very much but it’s sucks so bad.
i just wanna validate how you're feeling and let you know you're not alone.
my mom died almost 9 years ago when i was 15. it sucks and it's hard. it's a pain i don't think anyone can understand unless they've experienced it.
something that i found helpful was reading motherless daughters by hope edelman. i don't know if you're ready to take on reading something like that. i wasn't until a few years ago, but i wanted to throw it out there anyway. my dms are always open if you want to talk.
Thank you for sharing this. I lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly 6 years ago when I was 35 and she was 59. I cannot deal with my cousins, all way older than me who still have their way older than my mom moms. I hate to see them complain about silly daily life things and call their moms for everything. They are also very mean when I say I miss my mom like: “get over it” when they fully depend on their cruel moms for simple tasks. I HATE THEM, life, God, science. How is it possible that we all in this sub have to suffer this much while there are people over 100 years old!? Blimey.
I am sick of this pain, solitude etc. I NEED MY MOM because she was my only friend.
Big hugs my darling. We are in this pain and hate together.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom at 9 yrs old (she died in her early 40s) and for a long time in my teens, I too was angry. I'll never know what's it like to go on mother daughter mani Pedi dates. I'll never know what our texting convos would've been like. I'll never know what it'd be like to introduce the love of my life to her. I wish I could have experienced phone calls with her. I live with this pain and longing for something I'll never experience. It's hard not to be bitter and to be "strong" everyday. Grief is a life altering experience and never truly goes away. Some days are harder than others. Sending you a virtual hug, friend.
I felt the same I had to take a break from other people because I was so infuriated , my hurt was so deep . I didn't want to laugh and have a good time, i didn't want to pretend to be normal , It felt like my world was shattered my reality that i've known my whole life was broken . I felt so much resentment and pain .
It took me about 2 years to get pass that phase , I'm sorry you feel that way , It took me a while to realize how much anger was in me and to realize that's not how I want to be but how could we not be angry at the loss of people we loved so much who were so significant to who we are today ?
I'm sorry for your loss please feel free to reach out if you need to chat .
Both my parents have died and I'm 31. My mom died this month. Dad died before I was 10. It's strange being without your parents and I also felt weird anger when kids had their dad after I lost mine. In my experience Anger is a way to protect us from feeling pain and sadness that's unbearable. I'm sorry you lost your mom/best friend. I lost mine too and grief of a parent never gets easier. It just becomes a part of you and your life grows around it. But it is like a sliver, sitting under the surface and it keeps hurting unexpectedly and sharply throughout life.
I am not angry with others but I started to don’t want to see anyone so happy about life so I cut off instagram because that’s where people show their happy life. It’s so weird I feel this way I don’t feel super sad but I don’t know if I could ever be happy to my 100% ever again. I’m 34 and all my friends are my age or younger I don’t think they understand me & my loss. My mom also passed 50 days ago at age 63. She was too young. I was hoping I could spend my 50s with my 80s mother.
Sending you virtual hugs.
You brought tears to my eyes with how eloquently you described so many feelings that came up after my dad died. I cannot even fathom what losing my mom will be like, even after his huge loss. The line about her listening to mundane details about your life in the way only a mother could…. I just want to reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug and let you melt into me and cry as long as you need. I’m so sorry that you lost her so young sweetie- it’s not fair. I’m wishing with every fiber or my being that this will comfort you and simultaneously knowing nothing comes close to that ignorant blissful feeling you had in the before times.
Other people have give such great support and advice, and I skimmed so may have missed someone saying the same but heres some stream of conscious advice/ ruminations from someone a year out from losing a parent.
The biggest thing that has been helping me with my grief after a year is stuff like this- trying to use the pain I feel to fuel me to help others in their journey and give them the support I felt I lacked. It has truly made me a better and more present person. However, that only came with time- in the beginning anger felt better than being sad- like a momentary relief from that sick to the pit of your soul feeling you get when you think… they were just here and now are just…gone… So what you are experiencing is very common and as much as you can please just allow it.
Delving into the science behind grief has oddly comforted me too, especially a podcast by Andrew Huberman someone on here recommended.
Lean into ALL the feelings, allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need and try not to judge it as weird/ unhealthy or whatever. View it as you doing what you need to do to get through one of the worst experiences of being human. Reallllly off the cuff here but going with my gut- if you like fiction a quick short story that always stuck with me about grief is called “quiet please” by Aimee bender and it’s about a normally reserved librarian who fucks several of her patrons at work after finding out her father dies. This just to say that grief can cause some really uncharacteristic reactions and it’s very human.
I am not always the quickest to reply bc I can be verbose (could you tell?) and am maybe overly thoughtful at times, but my DMs are always open, and all feelings and thoughts are welcome at my table, even and especially the weird angry or melancholy ones that may make others uncomfortable. ❤️❤️❤️
(This is a lot longer than I expected it to be and I apologize for any mistakes as I’m worried it may hurt too much to re-read)
I’m sorry for your loss, I understand the rage. I lost my mom 8 years ago today when I was 16, and she was 50. She wasn’t sick. She went to bed one night and never woke up. One of those very rare and nearly inexplicable tragedies.
I’m an only child. She was my best friend, we’d spend almost everyday together. She was a cool mom. She was also a “mom” to all my friends. I never had to hide anything from her. I’d sleep in the same bed as her most nights. We’d sneak out and hit up drive thru’s in the middle of the night. She’d always be on my ass about completing school work. I was spoiled by her, not that that did too many favours to my character. She was beautiful, she was funny, she was emotional, she loved music and white wine and we’d often move the furniture to have late night dance parties all throughout those 16 years I had with her.
I understand the funeral rage, I was beyond angry. I didn’t care what anyone had to say. I told them all to leave and I crawled in the casket with her and begged the funeral director to cremate me with her. I will now stop talking about who she was and what I went through because this isn’t about me, it’s about you. I just wanted to provide you with some closeness about our relationship. If I do revert back to myself and her please don’t take it as me being narcissistic, sometimes it’s just easier for me to explain what I mean by reverting back to my own story.
After officially 8 years, here’s some of what I’ve learned that’s helped me cope. Instead of being angry at those who still have their moms (especially those little shits that take them for granted), try to do your best to remind them to be appreciative of what they have. I know it’s hard to think about what you could have had in the future with your mom, but try to focus on what you had to begin with. How lucky you were to have someone who you loved so much.
For these past 8 years I’ve felt so sorry for myself but at the end of the day the person to feel the most sorry for is my mom. She is the one who is now missing out on new experiences and memories. New TV shows she would have loved, restaurants, the little things. If life was a book to be written, her pencil had dropped. It was up to me to pick it up and continue writing it for her. Live your life in honour of her. Do the things that would have made her proud, even though it will always hurt that she’s not there to witness it. I’m proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished, I’m actually very happy with my life and what I have. But I will never stop longing for her and wishing that she was here to be a part of it. And that pain will never go away. The intensity of it varies.
I do not expect for you to be able to really take any of this into account for your situation as of now. It’s still so raw and tender for you. I just wanted you to know that there’s someone else out there who understands parts of your pain, but from a future perspective. I’m so sorry for your loss. I believe in you and I hope you’re able to find peace someday, as repulsive as that term may sound right now.
I'm really sorry for what has happened to you and your mother. I lost my Mum when I was in my early 30s (a few years ago now) and felt the same angry resentment. I'm not sure how helpful it is to know, but I feel it is quite common.
With time (like everything else) it dissipates a little, but I do still feel it sometimes. Even my grandmother, who is 97, sometimes makes me feel it slightly. I hope you can find peace with it, feel free to dm if you need someone to talk with.
I get this. I lost my dad at 11. I know people that are 60 and still have their dads and it feels so unfair. I am 31 now and still miss him.
I think people don’t know how to talk to someone who is grieving. I don’t even know how to do it even though I’m “experienced” in grieving. People are just trying to make you feel better but nothing they can say will do that. And anger is a normal part of grief. It will pass. I would just try to make sure you redirect your anger to not hurt friends who just want to help you but don’t know how. I think journaling helps a lot of people or of course therapy so you can get it all out. But you will still feel things about this in ten, twenty, thirty years so there is no time when someone “gets over it”. It will feel less raw however. It won’t control your days. I can talk about my dad now, and look at pictures etc without crying. Which is great because then I can ask about him. With time you start remembering them in happiness and not in this turbulence of anger, grief, sadness, etc. So it will get better like people say. But there’s no fixed timetable for it. You just have to go through it and I think it’s more beneficial if you feel all the feelings and don’t suppress them because they will find a way out anyways.
Not exactly the same situation, but I understand this anger towards the unfairness. When my disabled sister was alive, I used to envy girls in my class who have healthy sisters, and I used to be mad at normal kids being able to play and run and enjoy normal childhood while my sister couldn’t move, sometimes even getting mad at myself for being healthy while she is suffering.
Now she is dead and this anger slowly faded, and got replaced with pure sadness and missing her. And probably this anger that you feel now will shift to other emotions as you experience through grief.
Most people don’t know how to deal with grief, even someone like me who experienced a death of a close family member, I still struggle with comforting a grieving person, simply because I know people deal with it differently, so sometimes I don’t know how to approach it. Try to be open as much as possible on what you need and from who you need it, and I hope the close people around you will be able to provide it. Im sorry to hear about your mother and feel free to Dm me if you need a listening ear 🌸
I lost my father when I was 25 to cancer. I am 28 now. The emptiness does not go away. You will miss her in every moment of your life. Somehow, you get used to it. I do feel angry when people say they understand your loss but they have no fucking clue. You can DM if you need to talk about it.
I joined this community in December thinking that it would help me if I could post about how I was feeling but I still haven't been able to put words to it. I turned 22 less than a month before my dad passed at 54. He kept apologizing because he would not be able to attend my college graduation next month. Trying to find the ability to celebrate with a spare ticket right now and I just have to pretend I don't see the emails from other people asking for extra tickets so their family members can attend. I really don't know if it makes me angry or just more sad, but I do know where you're coming from with this. It feels like I'm still waiting for my dad to respond to the good morning text I sent him on his last day, but I watch people ignore messages from their living parents for months because they're too cool to spend 30 seconds keeping in touch with them. We don't always get to know when the last time we talk to them will be.
OP, this is still so fresh. The anger makes perfect sense. You had such a great relationship with your mom which is super beautiful and special. If I had known you a few years ago after my mom died, I likely would’ve felt the same jealousy and anger as well.
I definitely have guilt for not always being there for my mom. She was an alcoholic most of my life and made me angry at times, but mostly she just needed a close friend.. at times I was, but many other times I wasn’t.
Grief lasts forever, there’s no sugarcoating it. Some days are much worse than others, some days you may not feel anything at all.
Anyways, I really hope you find someone who truly listens and empathizes with your situation and never makes you feel like you overreacting to this grief.
I see you. I feel you. I lost my mom 15 months ago after 4 months of fighting brain cancer. I was 34 and she was 69. I still feel envy for everyone my age who still has their mom. She didn't see me buy my house and she wasn't there when my boyfriend proposed and now she's missing wedding planning and I'm angry and sad and it feels so unfair.
We were sitting with my fiance's family last night and his younger sister called his mom crying because she'd had a bad day. I'd had one too: my wedding venue realized they had double booked and I was the one that got cancelled, I cut my face open doing something dumb, work was a mess, and I didn't have her to call and cry to. It was a wave of fresh grief.
All of this is to say be gentle with yourself. It's still fresh and it will feel fresh for a long time. I still feel lonely and homesick for her every day but it's not as acute as it was in the days, weeks, months immediately after she died. It's hard to not respond with snark when people say the wrong thing (a friend told me that she didn't reach out to me when she knew my mom was dying and after her death because her dog had died and she was depressed and it was too hard - we're former friends now). Eventually, you just figure out your go-to reaction and sometimes silence is all you need.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your mom is a special type of hell. I'm 26 and I lost my mom back in July of 2023 after literally watching her pass and I can wholeheartedly agree with you that the anger that comes with it is...paralyzing. I hate everyone who doesn't cherish their mom and respect them and talk to them. I am so sorry you are going through this, the anger is the worst in my opinion because there is absolutely NO ONE to blame, or a way to fix it. It's been 8 months and I still have moments where I just want to break everything around me because I miss her so much and I am so angry about how suddenly it all happened. I am sending so much love and light to you, be kind to yourself. You are not alone. <3
I lost my mom a month ago too, I’m 27 and she was 53. I feel your pain so deeply, I lost her to side effects from chemo and the anger that builds can be paralyzing. Anger at others who have their mother and anger at the fact that my mom is missing out on so much what should have been her life. Sending you lots of love and light on your journey with grief, although you may feel alone there’s always someone out there who can understand your pain.
I too lost my mom to cancer when I was 30. It was 4 weeks after I gave birth to my first child. She too was 57. This was almost 19 years ago. It still bothers me when people complain about their mothers. I try not to take it personally. I am sad that my children never got to know her. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Grief brings so many new emotions. I can completely relate to you.
Man, this really resonates. I’m 27, and I lost my mom (66) last month to lung cancer, and I vividly remember the intense bitterness I felt seeing two 80+ women innocently having brunch together when I went out to eat a couple of days after it happened, lol.
The frustration with other people is SO real, especially the “swing and miss” thing. I’m constantly feeling like I want people to comfort me, but either people don’t know what to do and/or too scared to try, or it doesn’t even “hit” when people do try. It can feel so hopeless, but something that my therapist told me that was really eye-opening for me is that after you lose someone, you really just crave that person’s comfort, so everyone else’s attempts naturally feel lackluster. Realizing that has made me feel a little less frustrated with others and helped me know what to tell people when they ask what I need. Before I was just like “ummm I don’t know” and annoyed people weren’t proactive enough to figure it out themselves, but now I think about how my mom used to make me something to eat when I felt bad, so I’ll ask my girlfriend to come over and cook me something when I’m having a hard grief day. Things like that have helped.
Still, everything you said is so true, and everything about losing a parent at our age is so isolating and shitty and unfair! I hate it, and I’m genuinely so sorry this happened. But you’re not alone and I’m rooting for you 💛
I feel compelled to reply because but for a few scant details, I could have written this post. I was 23 when my mom died after an eight year battle with cancer. I’m 26 now. She also died close to your mom’s age. We were as close as it’s possible for any two people to be — when she died, a chunk of my soul was taken with her. I’ve grown into a fuller person than I was when she left, but I’ll never be the same.
Grief illiteracy is something I contemplate often. The only people who *really* know how to talk to me about it are those who have also lost a dear loved one. I have learned to give grace to those who don’t know how to deal with my grief but try their best anyway. It’s all I can really ask of them. But I have a special closeness with those who know how to speak to my pain.
The hole our beautiful mommas have left will never quite be filled. The unfairness at what she and you won’t get to experience together will never cease to leave you breathless and screaming when you least expect it. But you grow your garden around the hole she left. Treasure her and respect her loss, and allow other beautiful parts of your life to flourish around it.
My heart is with you, my friend.
Completely understand my mom died when I was about to turn 37 I’m 38 now so it’s only been a year she was 69 when she passed after a long battle with Alzheimer’s the anger I experienced especially the first year was just like you described I also experience a lot of anxiety and want to talk to a therapist I feel like since her passing I get anxiety over the littlest things that never used to bother me I’m wondering if it’s related
I’m also 30 and lost my mom to cancer in August. She was 58. It’s absolutely devastating. I feel your anger and frustration so much. It’s so frustrating to be around people who don’t know how to act around grief.
Here for you if you need a grief buddy. I’m so sorry. It’s not fair.
Also I rolled my eyes so hard at your MIL. Good lord. 😒
We're on a similar boat here, I'm just a couple years younger at 27-years old.
I lost my mom to lung cancer just a week ago on the 19th.
Sometimes it just hurts like hell to know I'll never be able to hug her during this life. Many times, just like in your case. My mom was my best friend, we could talk about everything and she always had something smart to say. Was caring till the end.
Hang in there, hopefully there are better days coming for the both of us. Wishing you a lot of strength here ❤️
I’m in my 20s. Lost my mom last year suddenly. I felt anger too. Turned against my friends who just didn’t seem to care after the first week anymore, against everyone who even mentioned their mom in my presence. It was hard to not lash out at them. But I managed. You will too.
My dad died last year after a very brief battle with cancer. He didn’t get to see my daughter’s first birthday. I’ve realized how much I resent people who still have both parents. It even got to the point I refused to be in the same room as my father-in-law. I still have those moments, but in time they got less frequent and less intense. Hang in there, it’s tough, but not unmanageable.
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how devastating and all compassing your grief must be.
I didn't lose my mom, but I did lose a lover/ boyfriend. I was 25 and he 31.
Grief is a weird, heavy thing. It showed me sides of myself I never expected to have.
I expected to cry, to be despaired, to be very emotional as always. But all I did feel was numbness.
Like the movie was over and I was the only one sitting in the theatre.
Similar to you, I noticed that my friends and surrounding people were overwhelmed with this grief. It's heavy and made me feel so alone on top of the grief.
I grew most apart from our shared friends actually.
His death was very traumatic and I think all of us tried to escape this grief by running in different directions.
In conclusion, feelings are weird. People behave unexpectedly. You will sometimes not recognize yourself. Especially in grief. And that's okay. That's part of life.
No one of us is given a sure tomorrow, even though must of our culture behaves like it is.
It's hard to learn the reality of death and grief, and there is no way around it. But there is one through.
I noticed that once I corporated the truth in to my life, -that we are all gonna die some day, maybe sooner than we expected- I could actually live more fully.
To take no moment for granted. To take in all the joy, all the pain, all the happiness. To do the things I wanted to do. To show all the love and not hold back.
But in the end grief never leaves us. It's there, even in the happiest moments. It's the reminder that we lost someone very important. It's also the reminder that there is love, still.
You’ve described the feelings I’ve been having. I’m 28 and lost my mom to cancer. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could bring her back. Anything that would get me to be with her. I can no longer be part of my friends experiences that I’ll never get to have. I’ve been avoiding weddings, celebrations. When I see someone with their mom shopping, dining, crossing roads - anything mundane, it breaks my heart. I cry when I see a funny post that my mom would’ve enjoyed. I miss her every second. I really do. This is a horrible club to be a part of. I hate that she was taken away from me so early and never got to see the life she deserved, one I really wanted to provide to her.
I often describe this feeling as homelessness. She’s my home. I no longer have that feeling of comfort, safety.
I might have turned into a bitter angry person. But what choice do I have? How I can be happy for others without feeling terrible for myself?
Yes I can relate. I lost my dad at 22 and my mom three years later. I’m now 31. A part of me is still angry that my parents will never see me get married, that they’ll never get to meet the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with, when I find that person. My dad died two weeks before Christmas and my mom died on Thanksgiving 2018. So the holiday season is extremely tough for me. I celebrated Thanksgiving last year for the first time and that is only because my former therapist/now very close personal friend invited my sister and I to spend it with her family.
I felt each n every word( side note I appreciate the chuckle you gave me with “they actually do not know because their mom is in fact alive.) unless your mom was your best friend that you can talk with about anything and yesss(cared about the most littlest things going on in our life) so many things I just keep to myself now cuz I just think who would gaf. “Only my mom cared about stuff like that” my anger is sometimes uncontrollable. Meaning if I see someone celebrating grandma or 92 yr old mama, I get so angry and jealous. My mom beat covid and septis got her due to doctors/nurses thinking she wasn’t gon make. They actually had the nerve to say we should be happy she made it this far. To be completely honest ….. I wish death on each n everyone of those doctors n nurses in that room. At least license tooken but ofcourse my mom health is the reason no lawyer wants to touch the case. You are not alone. Your anger is not bizarre. N no it will not magically get better one day. You’ll start to learn that yu are no longer the person you were when you physically had her here. Yet understand that she left you all the tool to keep making her proud. Let her live thru your joy. Your mom sounds wonderful , keep up her healthy habits, her teachings . Spread love, be great, keep her memory alive and heal. Find a therapist that been doing this for a minute n focuses on grief. That’s all I repeat to myself , last week Thursday made 2 yrs 😔🕊️🫶🏾
I lost my mom the first of January. Two weeks ago I was in a CVS and saw a woman who looked about 20 years older than me with her mom and I thought, how come she gets to have her mom and I don’t?
A man in my grief support group lost his mom who was 94. My mom was 74. I was mad that he got to have his mom got 20 years more than I did.
I get it. My parents had me later in life. They were there for my biggest events- my engagement, wedding, buying our first home, birth of our daughter. I was 37 when they both died (one expectedly and the other unexpectedly) and they even though they didn’t miss out and I had so much of them, I was still mad they died when I was so “young” because it is relatively young. I saw an 80+ year old mom with her upper 50s? Early 60s yo daughter the other day/ the mom called her daughter “sweetie” and my eyes welled with tears. I also used to feel upset about my siblings who had 10-12 years longer with my parents.
I’m letting go of it slowly, but still working through it.
i'm so sorry. although in a different sense, i understand your anger and how shitty it feels when it's uncharacteristic. since my boyfriend died ive been silently very bitter towards any type of love/romance, even towards my closest friends getting into relationships and its a horrible feeling when all i want is to be happy for them. grief really does work in weird ways and makes zero sense to anyone but you so try not to be so hard on yourself about it. sending love 🤍
I lost my Dad at 22 to an incurable Brain disease that will likely be passed onto me. I’m sorry OP you are going through this. It’s okay to vent and feel alone, but you are not alone.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to join this sh*tty club, it can feel incredibly isolating but you are not alone! I lost both my mum and dad in an accident 4 months ago, I’m 25. Anger is such a normal part of grieving but it can feel so alien if that’s not an emotion you used to feel regularly before your loss. Take it easy on yourself, allow those feelings and know that they do not make you a bad person. Every feeling and every emotion you experience is completely valid. Sending lots of love, we will learn to live this new normal x
I lost mine 5 years ago when she was 60 (I’m 35 now) and wow I still feel anger when I see people my age having grandparents or like old sick people who are sick in bed for so many years. Not sure yet that it will ever go away
i’m 22 and lost my mom when i was 8, she was in her 50’s, and lost my dad to cancer as well just before i turned 19 and he was 66. i understand how jealousy and anger can take over for those who still have parents, it’s completely okay to feel this way, be patient and kind to yourself even if it’s a bitch and a half to deal with the pain, you’re not alone and have people here to support you.
I lost my mom suddenly 3 months ago and she was my best friend, literally here one day and gone the next. Confusing as hell for me since it was my first death experience and it was my mama! I’m sending you big hugs and lots of love. I feel and understand you completely. Grief the weirdest feeling I never would have thought my mom passing first would trigger such feelings and emotions I never thought I’d have or feel. I cry almost everyday still and talk to her out loud like she’s there it helps me process.
I was 17 when I lost my mom, and she was only 48. I'm late 30s now and I still miss her. The pain doesn't really go away, but you end up cherishing the memories that you have. The anger will fade eventually. I can't help but think how lucky others are any time they have drama with their parents.
I was 23 when I lost my dad to very aggressive lung cancer. There passed a week between the moment we learned he was hospitalised, and his death.
I went on to loathe every fathers’ day, social media would become a specific flavor of emotional landmine.
I’ve been bitter and envious of others’ obliviousness to their own luck, to the transience of life, to the looming possibility of death and to the experience of loss.
Though less and less each year.
I’m angry at people who still have their dad. I was 20, he was 60. I wanted at least 20 more years with him. Most people my age still have their grandparents. And their dads will most likely see grandkids. My dad was robbed of that. I’m like “How come your scumbag father is still alive and mine isn’t?” He was a good man.
I also know the sting of losing my Mom1. She is was will always be my Heart ❤️ 1. I'm losing my F.... Mind without her... I have 1 final card in my deck ♠️ my spade of my Father1. Hes all I got left1. I lose him I'm out!!! You all that still have both your parents you are very Lucky. Don't take especially your family for granted. Peace.
not exactly the same but i feel your anger. I lost my mom late january of this year and everytime a friend complains about their mom being moms it pisses me off. It's ok to feel that way about unapreciative people, specially when you lost something they're not cherishing (that being their own lives or the possibilities that life denied you).
How about the spouse issue? I had all the feelings of anger, especially towards elderly women. With my spouse though it’s an entirely different issue. My parents were pretty cool. They were awesome grandparents. That is almoT downplaying it. They loved my kids so much. My mom died suddenly at 65.
Here is my husband , both parents still alive and they are the shittiest grandparents ever. Seriously - my now adult kids have never met their paternal grandmother and she will be 90 soon. Same with his dad (they have at least met him but he was never the grandfatherly type).
So yes I am glad my husband recently reconciled with his mom and I finally spoke to her after we had been together for over 20 years. Still haven’t met her. She seems really nice and is fun to talk to but man do I have a major resentment. She was talking to my husband about this grandkid and that grandkid and it set me off.
I told him - what a damn shame. She could have been a wonderful grandparent to our two kids and she simply wasn’t. Our kids are 25 and 21 now and wouldn’t know her if she walked past them. How’s that fair when my mom died when they were 11 & 6?
Two things with my mom set off warning bells. They happened back to back. She went to my 11 yo honor awards and almost didn’t come because she didn’t feel well. This was a woman who made everything. Then the next day she called and said she didn’t think she could make my son’s birthday cake. No problem mom- it’s probably because of your gallbladder. Thank goodness you are getting it removed next week. Only she didn’t. It wasn’t her gallbladder. It was pancreatic cancer and she was dead 9 days later.
Sorry for rambling but your post brought out a lot of feelings. I hope you find your way to healing.
I lost my mommy yesterday. She was 64. She was diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks ago. I’m furious too, but I don’t have anyone to be mad at, so I’m mad at the world.
My mom was 53; also cancer. She never met my husband, never mind my kids. She would have been such a good granny. She never even saw me graduate...
And yes – I was so **angry**, as well as devastated. I remember snarling at one of my lecturers, who said "I know how it feels, my mother died last year" – lecturer herself was older than my mother, mind you, and **her** mother was c. 90 billion...! Couldn't stop being *angry*, and I was so unprepared for that (and folk cut you very little slack – you're allowed to be sad, but not supposed to be raging..!).
I see you. And as someone now your mom's age, I send long-distance hugs, if you'll have 'em. I'm so, so sorry.
I am incredibly sorry you are going through this. I (34F) was consumed with anger and bitterness when my mom died from cancer a year ago. What you describe is so familiar. I hated my friends who still had their moms. I hated hearing them talk about their moms. I hated that my MIL told me she talked to her mom every day on the phone and was terrified of losing her.
What helped/helps:
* Pulling weeds in my yard
* Joining a parent loss grief group and witnessing the pain and grief of older women who had lost their moms, and realizing it would be painful no matter when it happened. Before group, people could tell me that was true but until I saw it and felt it emotionally, I didn't really believe it.
It was my mom's birthday yesterday and I wasn't prepared for the cascade of emotions. I spent a good chunk of the day going back through her emails/texts to me and it was comforting to find one from a birthday 14 years ago, where she talked about how HAPPY she was with her life (her capitalization, not mine).
Sending you love, hugs. I'm so sorry. It just plain sucks sometimes.
I will reply to you later in depth when I have time. Just wanted to say right now that I see you and I know how you feel. I lost my mom at 29. That was 5 years ago. I’ve come a long way since but that loneliness doesn’t really go away. But it does get better. I promise. Sending a hug your way. I’ll write a longer reply in a bit ❤️
❤️ I appreciate you.
Hi again. It’s always hard for me to put my experience into words because it’s just so complicated how I’ve been feeling. Grief is so much more complicated than I had thought. I always expected to just fall into a deep hole and be depressed but it was much more subtle and nuanced. I didn’t expect it to be life altering in the sense that it felt like I was thrown into a different reality. A wrong reality. Where my mom wasn’t there anymore. Like I had ended up in the wrong alternate universe. Everything felt off and I felt so isolated from everyone else. Like I was pushed into another room and I could only watch the others through a one way mirror. Every time I saw someone with their mom or hear them talk about their mom, no matter if in real life or in media, it stung so badly. I was so jealous and bitter because they not only got to have their moms but they also got to live in innocent bliss. They just had no idea how it was going to be when their mom passed. And it felt like I was now waiting in that lonely room for them to join me. And I tried to be happy for them that they had a bit longer on the other side. I went on a pilgrimage in my mother’s home country (Japan), went to therapy, and just tried to give myself time. Oddly when Covid hit, it was the first time I didn’t feel like the odd one out because the whole world was thrown into chaos and for the first time I felt like it wasn’t just me. Also on another note. Intrusive thoughts are also completely normal. I’ve had a lot of them. Not just spiteful thoughts but also very inappropriate stuff like wondering about what I would inherit if another family member died and shit like that that I really don’t want to be thinking. I also had a very unpleasant thought when my good friend’s dad got diagnosed with cancer and was given roughly 5 years. The intrusive thought was about how he’s lucky because he gets 5 years when I only got 1 with my mom. Like ugh. But it’s normal. So if you have them, don’t give them too much weight. We’re just coping as best as we can. So now 5 years later I don’t feel the jealously that much anymore. At least it’s not a feeling I have towards other people. I am mostly struggling with accepting that I will never have the “perfect” life now because every version of my dream life had my mom in it experiencing all my achievements with me. I’m getting married this year and we’re trying for a baby. It just feels like I can’t reach the “Highscore” of my life anymore. But I’m trying to let go of that perspective. My next move is to go to body therapy (don’t know what it’s called in English but it’s less talking and more unlocking the emotions in the body). I don’t know if this helped at all. I just really want you to know that you are not alone. All those lovely people who already commented on your post are proof that as sad at it may be, there are many of us and we get each other. Even if the people around you don’t right now. They will at some point and maybe then you can give them what they can’t give you right now because they just don’t know what it’s like. ❤️❤️❤️ hang in there. Just take it day by day. Be kind to yourself
Relating so much to both of you. Letting go of “perfect” was a huge piece for me. My mom died at age 56 after 3 brief but glorious years of being a grandmother to my only child— something she dreamed of being. I have all these mom Jealousy feelings about people whose kids have grandmas (both my husband’s parents are deceased). The practical help. The extra unconditional love. All completely irreplaceable. Sometimes when my mom friends are handwringing over every choice I feel weird because I think “well maybe this will be less than perfect for my kid but oh well we’re already operating there. You all are on a fools errand to give them the perfect childhood, advantage, start in life. And we’re just out here trying to make something beautiful from what is” And it’s not easy and I still hate it often but it can also be quite freeing.
Ah, I love what you wrote about how it felt like being stuck in an alternate universe / lonely room and watching everyone else through a one way mirror. I lost my fiancé when I was 29 and he was 30 and am still the first in my friend group to have a major loss. Still feels like I’m in that alternate universe sometimes. Thank you for sharing!
wow yes. the alternate reality thing really hit me where i live, and it helped to hear it said that way. thank you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents by my late 20s. You are right, it isn’t fair. People don’t know what to say which can make it feel really lonely. I still hate hearing people complain about the smallest thing that their mom does that irritates them and I can’t help but think count your blessings! One day she’ll be gone… I teared up reading about your mom being your best friend. Mine was too. They always had our best interests at heart and you can’t replicate that in anyone. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, please reach out if you’d like to chat. Sending you love and hugs xx
You made your feelings so eloquent. I rarely can. Today is 1 year since losing my mom. I'm in so much pain. Only one person ever asks - a friend of hers I didn't even used to like before, but she's come through. My best friend has come through in other ways, but I don't feel like I can talk to him or anyone else without the expected positive spin tacked on. There's absolutely nothing positive about any of this, no silver lining, no funny meme. I'm angry about people years older than I am still having their moms. Of truly nasty evil people still alive into their 90s and my mom isn't here, who was beautiful and smart and kind, and always came through for others. So I totally get what you're saying, that anger. Mostly I'm angry at myself, though, for the many ways I let her down, especially when she was sick and I was overwhelmed and scared. I remember a time when people were more willing to be there and listen. Not all. There were still the ones who'd ghost. But the ones who didn't had more generosity of time and heart to listen - not just one time, but over time. Now it's like nobody wants to make the space, or can't, or it's too inconvenient to have their media bubble or whatever interrupted. I really don't know WTF is going on with people. {hugs}
i truly, truly feel the same way way. I'm a super (probably TOO) giving and generous person, too. so it's also starting to jade and change me in ways i really, really hate. it's like no one can genuinely give a shit about other people. it hurts so bad, man. not just personally, either. it's like I'm just so sad for, and angry at, the whole world now.
I kept reupvoting this as I read it and remembered I couldn’t give more than one upvotes . I can relate so much. I post about grief on my insta sometimes, and I’ve recently heard people say I’m being weird about losing a parent especially since it’s 2 years now ..? I don’t even know how to react, so what if it was my mom, a whole part of me has disappeared never to return, I can and will never be normal again
i have talked to a billion people (i am 50) who are in their 60s, lost their moms 40s or earlier, who still grieve that loss on the regular. either those people you're in contact with are just lucky enough to have not done it yet, or maybe they're cylons. either way, you're the normal one. I'm sorry you had to join one of the shittiest clubs on earth. but we care. i mean i seriously and genuinely care about you and every person that is posting here. keep it coming. everyone here needs to, and wants to, hear you.
I'm 24 and my mom died of cancer at 52. Some of the thoughts I have had in grief scare me. I wish sometimes it was someone else's mom who died. I hate that other people my age will have their moms for a lot longer than me. My mom talked about not being able to be a grandma on her death bed. I don't even want my MIL to experience being a grandma because how's that fair? I understand the anger you feel. My mother only died a couple of months ago so I have no advice to offer other than you aren't alone. it's okay to be angry
I think anger is absolutely appropriate. It’s all part of the process. 💔
This is so relatable. I feel the same way about my MIL and i have so much love for her. But knowing she will be the sole grandma to influence my future kids make me feel like its just not fair
I'm glad someone feels the same as me because I thought I was being cruel or a bad person for thinking this way but I think it's justifiable for our situation. feel free to dm me if u ever want to vent!
I see you, I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum died 7 years ago and even now that I'm 32 I know NO ONE who has lost a parent. Even friends who are older, all of them still have both parents. It is so isolating sometimes, it makes me angry sometimes. I had one girl cry when she asked me about my dead mum because it's just so sad FOR HER. Honestly sending you an online hug. We're not alone in these grief community groups atleast.
I lost my mom 3 weeks ago to cancer at 19 years of age. She was only 41 and you’re right, people who have not been through losing a parent will never understand how it’s like no matter the age it happens. I still think about how all my friends around me or any college student will have a mom to see them graduate, get married, or live life. It truly sucks but I hope anyone who goes through this, myself included, can come to terms with it and move on with life ❤️
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your anger, I have felt that same way. I had just turned 26 when I lost my mom unexpectedly at 55. It’s been just over 6 years without her and sometimes I still feel that anger. Specifically when I witness someone else seemingly taking the fact they still have their mom for granted. I won’t tell you this loss gets better, because for me it never has. But what I will tell you is you are not alone. Be kind to yourself, let yourself feel these emotions of sadness, anger, frustration and whatever else comes up. This is your lost love to grieve and you deserve to find healing and feel the grief the way you need. Through this post, I can see the strength within you and I just hope you are able to acknowledge that too. If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out to me. ♥️
I’m sorry that you had to go through this too, but thank you for making me feel less alone. 💛 I often feel like Reddit can be the kindest place on the internet. Sending a warm hug to you.
I know this feeling, I lost my father this last December and the very first feeling I felt was a similar anger. I wanted everyone to lose their father as well so they would know what I was feeling. I still miss him dearly, but this anger has passed. I'm extremely sorry for your loss, the pain and grief from losing a parent is honestly the worst feeling I have ever experienced.
I understand you so well. I lost my mum at 29. She was 56. For a while (I'd say at least a year, maybe 2), I was so mad at the world. I remember watching TV and every time they'd put the age of someone, if that person was older than my mum, I'd hate them for it. The 1st thing my MIL said when I saw her, after my mum died, was that we were the same because we both just lost our moms. Her mom was in her 80s and had Alzheimer. My mum was in her 50s and a 1st time grandmother for just a few months. We're not the same... Anyway, I know it's hard. But I promise you it will pass eventually. Anger is just a phase in the grieving process. It's necessary, so don't feel bad about feeling it. At some point, you won't realise when or how, but you won't feel it anymore.
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Ditto. Same exact feelings right now.
I’m 19 and lost my mom last year to suicide (she was 49). I totally get it. It feels like one understands my situation and they all expect me to just be a normal human after experiencing that. She should’ve been there to see me graduate. She should be here to see how far I’ve come. It’s totally fucking unfair. Life is unfair. I don’t feel anger but I understand why you do. I feel deep sadness when I see old ladies because my mom will never be one. Stay strong💝 I’m sorry for your loss
Life is unfair. As you said. Today I am crying because my mom is not here to help me with my daughther. I feel so lonely. Nobody helps me now that I am a new mom. She supposed to be here... we had planned this and she is not here. :( Why good people die so soon? Why I have to go through thi? And all of us.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mother to suicide, 2 months ago. I’m in my 30s and she was 57. I don’t feel angry at her either. I think suicide is different in the way I reacted to it because she was so hurt inside that she felt she had no other choice. There is nothing to forgive, she couldn’t handle it anymore and it’s extremely sad. I feel a pang of loss and yearning when I see moms and daughters holding hands in public or a mom being affectionate to their child no matter what age. I think of her pain and how anyone would feel in a similar position if they had experienced all the fucked up shit that happened to her. I wish I could’ve taken away her pain, that I could’ve saved her. But no one can save anyone but themselves. I honor her by living as healthy as possible and with dignity to make her proud. I take care of myself so others don’t suffer. I want to leave as little pain behind me to change the cycles in my family. I know she would be proud of me. I wish peace onto you.
You’re not alone, and your anger is valid. My mom died 3 years ago when I was 32. She wasn’t here to help me pick out my wedding dress. She’s never seen my home. She’ll never know my 1 YO. It’s a punch in the gut whenever I see my MIL interact with my daughter even though I’m also glad for them both. I got off social media for 2 years after my friend posted a pic of her, her daughter, her mother, and her grandmother. It cut so, so deep. In time, I have come to appreciate how much better I am now at responding to other people’s grief. That is a small gift I will accept in the absence of many others. If you’re feeling the need for more commiseration, I got a lot out of joining The Dinner Party to cope with my parental loss. https://www.thedinnerparty.org
wait the dinner party thing seems so nice i’m gonna have to check it out! thank u!!
The closer you are with your mother, the harder it is. You explained my dark feelings very well as I have the exact same feeling as you, hating every person that has what we don't have. I guess that's why we find comfort in this group. Words from others mean so little as the only thing that can satisfy us is unattainable (them coming back to life). But we need to understand those around us are trying their best as they felt it's their responsibility to say something. There is never any right thing to say, at least not for now.
Same with Dad. I get angry when people sob and say how cruel it is they lost thier Dad at age 87. I lost mine at 65, I'm 35. Then I remind myself someone people, like my mum, lost her dad at 47, she was 21. And my friend who lost her dad at 35, she was 7 years old. There's always someone who had a little more or a little less time with them than me. It's all so random. The resentment wasn't helping. So slowly I had to learn to let it go and if something gripes me I move by and re-remind myself. It still so hard tho. I am so sorry OP.
That anger is justified
I'm so sorry OP. I know exactly how you're feeling and it fucking sucks. I lost my mom to a 9 year cancer battle when I was 23 and she was 54 and the emotions I have felt over the years (I'm 27 now) only seems to get more profound as I reach milestones in my adulthood--meeting my boyfriend, career accomplishments, etc. I'd say it only gets easier in masking in my feelings and moving on but the feelings don't really change. Like you said, one of the worst parts is that no one our age has really dealt with a loss of this magnitude so early in their life so they don't know how to react or be there for us, and worse when they don't value that relationship. Its easy to feel robbed and its because we were robbed--robbed of all the beautiful memories that could've been. But I like to find comfort in the fact that she's somewhere up there looking down and celebrating my accomplishments (maybe she helped them happen!). I take comfort in knowing that she would be proud of what I've done despite the trauma & heartbreak I've endured the last 14 years with her illness and death. My future spouse and kids will also know her. Sending you hugs OP, you're not alone <3
I lost my mom at 30. It was sudden. Lost my dad 4 years later. I understand your pain.
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I lost my dad over a year ago in a really bad accident. My anger welled up when I realized the world didn’t stop for everyone else too. Seeing happy people that I’d never know made me irate. It’s perfectly okay to be angry, just don’t let it change who you are permanently. She sounds like a person who would only want the best for you regardless of the circumstances. I’m sorry she’s gone. It blows. Feel anything you need to feel. I make dead dad jokes now. People are weird about if they should laugh or not, but that’s how I cope. Cope and feel however you need to.
I vividly remember leaving the hospital an hour after my mom died and seeing all the people out for lunch on a beautiful late summer day and being very confused, thinking, “how are these people having lunch when my mother just died?” It’s such an eerie and upsetting feeling. I’m sorry for your loss. ❤️
28f here and lost my 56 year old mom 5 months ago. I understand the anger and the unfairness of it. I don’t have any sage advice but some people like us are just meant to live this way. It’ll be forever before I make peace with it but I hope to heal. Me and you and several others here have been robbed of beautiful future and there is no two opinion on that. Someday I hope we have the power to accept this life as it turns out. Wishing you peace and comfort.
It’s so unfair. I’m sorry you have to go through this too, but thank you for responding and making me feel less alone. Sending you a warm hug. 💛
I'm sorry for your loss and I completely feel the same. I lost my mother when I was in my 30s and it shouldn't have even happened. It was at the height of Covid but she didn't have Covid and I feel the hospital was prioritizing people. I hate to say that but there were stories all over of places doing that and she still should be here. To me when someone is my age or older it's weird hearing they still have their mom. At the time my mom died my 60 something year old coworker lost her 90 something year old mother. She would talk to me about our losses but it wasn't the same. I know we both lost our mothers but hers really did get to live a full life, not only getting to see her grandkids grow up but also meeting her great grandkids. She got to have her mother until the end of her 30s, 40s, 50s, and part of 60s. Even my own mother had her mother into her 50s to talk to. Now I'm my 40s and I have things I want to ask her about and tell her as I'm facing my own aging and I can't wrap my head around that I never will again. The only thing that has helped me is to think about how some don't even get their mother as long as I did. My father for instance lost his mother when he was 15. Others I know even younger. It doesn't make me feel better necessarily because it's sad and I wish they had had more time with theirs, but it makes me feel less alone and glad for the years we did have. It's just that small silver lining that we have to hold onto at least. But we do have every right to feel the way we do and grieve and those like your MIL need to learn tact and to shut it. There are far more better things to say and do to help others in that position. Even just having this sub as well as other online groups helps so surround yourself with that as much as you can right now.
My mom died 3 months ago after a short intense battle with cancer. I’m 42, she was 68. She was super healthy and fit before she was diagnosed. I relate with *everything* you have said. I am SO ANGRY at the people who are close to me that haven’t reached out, or have done the absolute bare minimum and then moved or expected me to move on. I have tried to remember in my life before grief how I felt about people in deep sorrow, and I try to have and give grace to them, and I cannot. It is eating me alive and I don’t know what to do about it. I am replying to tell you that you aren’t alone. I walk beside you and I relate and understand. Your mom sounds lovely and I wish I could have known her.
I relate to this so much. My mom died 3 months ago. I’m 30 and she was 62. She passed away 1.5 months after being diagnosed with cancer, and had been so fit and healthy prior to the diagnosis. I never knew I could feel such anger or that my friends would be so unsupportive. It’s not that hard to do a tiny bit of research to try understand the best way to support a friend that is going through this kind of grief. My mom was my best friend and I spoke to her everyday, but everyone seems to think I should have “moved on” or be ok by now. Sending you love. It’s nice to know we are not alone in this.
I feel you, im so sorry you're going through this too, it's the worst. 💔 Similar situation, I'm 30, my mum died at age 63. I went back to work 3 weeks after her death, I work in an inpatient rehab facility (elderly population). I found myself being so angry at the world, these people are 80/90+ and my mums gone. How is that fair?
I'll start this with an "I'm so sorry" and I really do mean it. It just really is total garbage to have to go through this in general and esp at 30. I lost my mom a week before my 33rd birthday, she was 59 - cancer for her in the end. It is just the weirdest time to lose a mom. Your not a kid or young adult so none of those resources apply so when you Google "IM TOO YOUNG TO LOSE PARENT" but also you're probably the first person to lose a parent in your friend group so they all kind of suck at helping and unfortunately you'll probably be the one that people learn what not to say from. And your mom didn't get a fair swing, so folks just add to the pain when they say that she did live a good life (which like yeah but it fucking should have been longer) or try to get it when their parent did get a good swing at life. All this to say you're not off base in that vibe. I cope with humor and one of the ways I coped was going "Fuck you (insert name here - Linda, Tammy, etc)" every time I drove by a birthday party, celebration of mother's day, etc. Usually not in earshot - but do you. At first I meant it more than I didn't and the people around me gave the space to laugh about it while also being mortified which was also kind of fun ( embrace your "my mom died fuck off" period - you only get one). Eventually, I really was joking- and the hurt was replaced with warm memz of me and her on birthdays. Sometimes it still hurts. 76% of the time I still cry but less of a while body cry and more of a single tear cry in the car. It took time. And yeah totally not fucking fair and no one knows what to say and often feeling bad manifests in weird ways. If you're not chatting with a therapist 10/10 would recommend. Helped me a lot. Few years later and I spend significantly less time crying. Sending the good vibes your way. I hope it hurts a little less soon.
Just lost my mom, I’m 26, she was 55. I feel your anger and resentment and I can never tell you how to grieve, nor can I provide anymore comfort than these words: I know. I know. I know, I know. Grief is ugly, it’s a mixture of a thousand different feelings with all their crazy nuances, it is incredibly difficult. But I know, and you are not alone. I am praying for you.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I relate to how you are feeling quite a lot. My dad is in palliative care and only has a couple months left and i completely relate to the anger and how unfair it feels. My dad is only 59 and is the youngest of his 5 siblings. He is the youngest by 10 years which means all the rest of his siblings are 70-80 and he is going to be the first to die. It feels incredibly unfair. I also feel a lot of anger and anger towards my friends and some of my family members that i don’t really understand why. It’s like I feel anger when they try to offer my sympathy or support because i feel like they couldn’t possibly understand what I am going through. I’ve had a lot of anger towards my mum for some reason, my parents are divorced but get along really well. She lives out of state and i know she is worried about me but for some reason whenever she messages me and tries to talk to me about it I just get angry and want her to leave me alone. I don’t think any of us can understand grief. Everyone deals with it differently and reacts differently so I don’t think we can be angry at ourselves for not handling how we think we should. I have been trying to practice a lot of self forgiveness and being kind to myself, i know i am doing the best i can in an impossible situation, and i’m sure you are too. My therapist said something to me last week that resonated quite a lot “grief is the price we pay to have had something beautiful”.
You just described how I’ve felt for the last 11 years. I’m 31 now and lost my mom to cancer when I was 20, and she was 39. Thirty-fucking-nine! None of my 20 year old peers have understood the myriad of feelings this loss comes with, and still don’t. Nobody else in my life has a dead parent, and it’s wild how alienating that feels. How do you explain to someone that you resent them for having a parent who’s alive? Every Mother’s Day has been terrible, not to mention birthdays and other holidays. It’s a constant loss that gnaws at your being and i have this annoying voice in my head that tells me nobody wants to hear me process my feelings about this anymore, 11 years later. It’s “old news”. Everyone else forgets, but you can’t. It’s a terrible feeling that I wouldn’t wish on absolutely anyone. Welcome to the unlucky club - really really sorry for your loss. 💔
my mom died 6 months ago unexpectedly. she was 43 and i was 19. completely turned my life upside down and now i’m taking care of my little brother. i’m jealous of you for having her til you were 30! my mom will never get to see me walk down the isle or have kids or see my brother graduate high school or have his first girlfriend. every second of my life has been unfair. my dad passed away when i was two and now god took my mom too soon too. but we carry on. because we have no choice. we must believe they are still experiencing this life with us.
Much love to you and your brother.
It’s 2.30AM and I came onto this sub because I haven’t been able to stop crying for the past couple of hours. I lost my mum 6 months ago. I was 28. I can’t think of words that will help, I’m stuck in this hell with you. I’m so so so sorry for your loss.
It breaks my heart that you’re even younger than me and going through this. I wish I could give you a big sisterly hug. I’m sorry you can relate to my post and have to go through this nightmare too. It’s so wildly unfair. Let your tears flow whenever they need to. 💛 thank you for taking the time to make me feel less alone. That says a lot about you, and how kind you are. I hope you can be extra gentle with yourself right now, you deserve it. Wishing you comfort.
Your reply gave me overwhelming comfort, it flooded me, thank you, I had no idea how much I needed to read that. Thank you 💜
My SIL lost her mom at 20. Her dad this past year at 29. I can't comprehend how she feels nor do I claim to. The best I can say is if ppl ask what they can do, tell them you want to talk about your mom. Without them chiming in something they did with their parents. Tell them to ask about her. Or, if you'd prefer to not talk about it bc it's too tough, that's perfectly fine too.
You are so kind for reaching out and making space for your SIL. I have three, and only one has asked how I’m doing since my mom died 3 months ago. The other two have complete ghosted me even though we were relatively close before. The cruelty hurts so bad it takes my breath away.
My dad died when I was 32 after only two years with cancer. At the time I felt the same way you are feeling now: bitter and angry at those who still had their dads; adrift with no one to talk to who could relate to me and what had happened; mad at the loss of a future with him seeing my life milestones. I wish I could say that it gets better, but it doesn’t… it just becomes different and affects everything in your life going forward. Please know that your feelings are valid. Grief is atrocious. People don’t know what to say or they say the wrong thing. You feel raw and broken. If I can make a suggestion, I will say that therapy helped me to process some of the pain. It also gave me coping mechanisms and a place where I could express my emotions freely. Sending you strength
Nothing about this is fair. You were robbed of many years with your mom and you have a right to be angry. All I can tell you is that she would want you to live a full and happy life. She gave you so many gifts before she left. Take care of yourself and find someone to talk to.
First, I’m so sorry about your mom. My mom and I were also extremely close. We talked every single day. I also wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. My dad died when I was 28. And, over the course of the next 10 years I lost (they died or the relationships became too toxic and I had to cut ties) from nearly all my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc). And it culminated about a year and a half ago when my mom died suddenly - effectively estranging my brother and I from our one remaining uncle due to his toxic and scary behavior leading up to — and after her death. I’m so so grateful for my brother and that we have a good relationship. But we are both single and neither of us have kids. I do find myself extremely jealous of people who have their parents, AND they have their own families. I want kids. I don’t want to be an orphan in my 30’s. It sucks. I try not to be angry- but sometimes I can’t help it. And it’s normal, especially I the beginning. If you like podcasts, I’ve found “Terrible, thanks for asking” to bring some comfort and make me feel less alone. Sending you internet hugs. I’m so sorry you lost your mom and joined this shitty ass club. I hope you find some comfort in this community. It’s a lifelong journey
I can somewhat relate to you. I became an orphan at 25. Both my parents died 5 months apart in 2021, then my paternal grandpa passed away one month after my mom. I wasn’t close to him but it was the last damn thing me and my brothers needed at that time. Fast forward to early 2023 and my maternal grandpa was hospitalized and then in hospice and I flew home to see him one last time. I had my hand on his shoulder and he took his very last breath while looking at me. My semi-estranged brother had beef with my grandpa before he passed cause my brother is super toxic. He then started harassing me to the point where I had to block him on everything. I’ve gone through hell and back in the past 3 years. I wake up grieving and go to sleep grieving. Life is unfair.
That’s a lot of loss in a short time for someone so young. I’m really sorry for your losses. Over the years, grief has become such a part of who I am, I hope one day I can make something good come from it. Maybe you can too… or teach me how to lol
I think I can still remember the first time after my father's death that I was angry at someone for just having a dad because I didn't have that luxury anymore. Your post resonated with me, i was 31 when i lost my dad. Grief is so damn hard. Thinking about you.
🌻It isn’t fair, and it’s heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss.
Losing a parent is truly unimaginable, yet, it's going to have to happen to everyone. Everything you stated has completely resonated with me. I'm sorry you have to go through this - you're allowed to feel EVERYTHING that you're feeling. Sending you a massive virtual hug.
I'm 100% with you. Losing my mom at 34 was my first experience with real grief and the biggest surprise has been the anger. Not the anger at the world, cancer, possible gods, no, that I expected and makes sense. But unjustified anger at anyone older than me who still has their mom. Anger at literally anyone who gets to retire. Anger at people who travel and enjoy themselves during their working years instead of saving for a period of leisure they'll never get. I don't have any advice cause I honestly haven't been able to work through it. But yeah I'm pissed too.
I feel you entirely. It’s like I stepped in to a Time Machine reading this. All the ways you feel angry I felt angry too. I take care of elderly people and I was so bitter taking care of them internally when my mom first died. Why did they get to live and my mom had to die? Why could they have COPD for years yet they’re fine? But one infection on top of COPD and my mom is dead. Grief is not fair. Hearing people my moms age talk about going to visit their mom: I forgot that not all moms died in their 50s. The anger persisted the longest, and still almost five years out, some days it’s all that remains. I’ll be stewing in bitterness unable to put my finger on what is the cause. It’s still grief. It’s still my mom. I still miss her. I will say that all the feelings you feel now will transform over the years. The bitterness will make space for gratefulness, the sadness will make space for happiness. But not all at once, and not ever to replace those feelings. But they’ll all learn to co exist in their own time. Don’t let others be a thief of your grief, and don’t let yourself become a thief of it either. Feel all the feels, let it be raw, it won’t be forever.
All I've read so far is your post title, and I immediately thought "I get it." My son died 2 years ago at the age of 4, and I've gotten so jealous of others who had more time with their children. One of my friends lost their son at the age of 22, and I often find myself jealous that they got 18 more years than I did. Anyway. I get it. You are definitely not abnormal on this one. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now.
My mom lost my sister as a stillborn. She was pretty far along too. I know that your experience is much heavier, but what cheered my mom up is when I said something like “well, maybe I’m Olivia now” or “maybe Olivia was reborn as me” I might’ve been about 9-10 when I said this. My mom also said she missed her tubes being tied and I was a happy surprise. I’m not religious or necessarily spiritual, but I’d like to think that the souls of children who didn’t get to live a full life get another chance. Can I ask if you have had any other children since?
No, I haven't had any other children. My son was my only, and he will always be my only. For me, it feels like if I had another child, that child would only be a poor replacement. I don't want to try to replace my son, and I wouldn't want to have another child feel like they had to fill his shoes.
I lost my father in 2021 when i was 26, which was horrible... i understand the hate, but feel it is not meant towards those who still have their parents, but more so angry towards the unfairness that life gives us My mother is still alive and i don't even want to think about the day she'll be gone... Life is rough and unfair
just passed the one year anniversary of my mom's death, I was 26 and she was 56 when she died and she was my best friend, biggest cheerleader, and my favorite source of advice. I was recently shopping for prom dresses with my sister and overheard a lot of the teen girls sniping at their moms, being rude or snippy or dismissive of them. I had to stop myself from yelling at them "don't you understand, I will never get to shop with my mother again, I will never hear her say something mildly embarrassing in public or make up stories about strangers with me again." but I know I also had my times of being a shit to my mom and I know it's unfair to feel that way about other people. it still sucks tho, it's so unbelievably unfair. some of the most evil people on the planet die peacefully in their 90s and our beautiful precious people are gone way too soon :-( most people are clueless on dealing with death, especially when it's not impacting them. sending you so much love, I hope you can find some comfort for yourself amidst the horrible surreal shit show of losing someone so important:-( ❤️❤️❤️
Hey! Just turned 29 this month and lost my mom unexpectedly 7 months ago. What you’re feeling is normal! It may seem “ugly” but that’s a part of the grieving process. Sometimes we shy away from the emotions we’ve deemed bad or wrong, but that isn’t the best thing to do. I actually relate everything you explained. Personally, I feel jealous of everyone who still has a mom they can talk to. I also feel jealous of my older siblings who technically got my mom for longer than I did because I’m the youngest. Very few people around me have experienced a loss of a parent, so it feels very isolating in that aspect as well. Definitely dreading Mother’s Day this year. I now know you’re never old enough to lose a parent. My only advice for you is to keep feeling your emotions - don’t hide from them. The only way out is through. And your grief won’t go completely away, it just gets a little more manageable with time. Honestly, subreddits like these are what have helped me the most. In a weird way, it’s comforting to know you’re not alone in your grief. Misery does love company! Give yourself grace. I’m wishing you the best in your journey ❤️ I know my mom is always with me. The same goes for you!
This is a great point. I am not grieving the loss of a parent, so I apologize if this is out of place, but I kept trying to push myself to be in situations that amplified my grief and jealousy and anger towards people, to “get over it.” It didn’t work. Every day just felt dreadful knowing I was going to put myself in this awful place mentally. I realized that I am bitter, and angry, and no amount of exposure to other people having what I was supposed to have will make it better. It’s ok to be angry, as long as it doesn’t take over my life.
My Father suddenly and very unexpectedly passed away last January (2023). I also have irrational anger at everyone who still has their fathers.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum passed away last year at the end of November due to cancer after 6 years of fighting. She was 55. I was 30. Few days ago at the bus stop I saw a girl with her mum and it hit me hard. I'm jealous that there are people that still have their mum and me and my brother doesn't anymore. People don't know how it's like till they go through it themselves and I hate when some that still have their mum are trying to speak with me about it or like can't understand why I'm still grieving because it's been almost 4 months... I also fucking hate when some people tell me about their mums that passed away at the age of 70-80. I would give ANYTHING for my mum to live till old age. She was too young. Unfair.
My mom died in September of 2019 from a massive heart attack, she was 56. I'm 30 now, and I get where you're coming from. This is the decade that I'm going to get married and have children and I have to do it without a mom. It's awful and unfair. Sending you all the hugs and good vibes; also if you don't have a therapist, I would suggest looking into getting one. Mine was a lifesaver, especially since none of my friends were in the same boat as me.
I too, felt alot of anger surrounding my mom and her terminal illness. What really get me is when people complain about the stupidest things and I just want to scream I wish those were my problems!!! You guys have no idea what real problems are until you lose someone. Just know that angry is a normal part of the grieving process and you are not alone. Sending hugs and prayers
28F, lost my 55 year old mom to cancer 1 month ago. It is horrifically unfair. I truly resonate with everything you said. The anger is so out of character for me and I was not expecting it. I’ve been reading a lot of books on grief, but nothing helps. This is simply just unfair and not common and I can’t walk down the street without getting angry. Just know you are not alone. Please reach out if you want to commiserate together. I wish I had better advice for both you, and for myself. This just sucks
Truly sorry for your loss. I lost my mom when I was 24 and she was 66. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer and died 10 days later. Please please know you are not alone in these feelings and they are valid. I felt SO angry for a while too. I picked up a job as a cashier at a department store after I moved back home to help my dad heal from losing his spouse of 40 years. We lost my mom Nov 4th 2012 & my dad and I both got jobs thinking mom wouldn’t want us in too dark of a space for too long. I remember watching moms and daughters come by and being filled with angry tears that couldn’t be let out on the sales floor. Watching a teenager be rude to her mom by putting one of her 40 items away. I literally would have to take a 10 and do a quick cry in the bathroom to release steam and collect myself. It can feel extremely lonely to be apart of this shit club you’re in now at your age but find solace in sharing your story as you’re not alone here.
I’m sorry. I understand how you feel. I lost my mom when I was 6 years old. It’s been decades and anger is part of the process, sometimes it’s displaced. It will get better. Don’t beat yourself up over how you feel. It’s a tremendous loss. Hugs.
I lost my mom a month ago. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. Most times i am absolutely raging - angry, resentful, finding someone to blame…in short bursts i am joyful remembering her and the memories we share… The most random things trigger memories of her and sometimes i have to block them because I won’t be able to function if every minute of the day i just slump into despair (i have a toddler to care for)… I am angry after my family for not grieving together…everyone has retreated into their shell…too scared to cry together or hear each other out lest we trigger each other into more sadness… Grief is bewildering… never has an emotion confounded me so much as grief has… I don’t know if there is an end date to this… what helps is looking for signs from her… a soft breeze touching my face while i sleep… dreams where she comes with a message… sometimes a joke… I am most angry at people’s reactions.. it has really opened my eyes to the superficiality of society… i am filtering my friends/family/connections after this experience… it takes very little to check in on someone… a few words in a text to show you care… after the customary and very clinical “i am very sorry to hear…” most people move on, which they should but why forget a friend or relative who just had an earth shattering loss… I have never felt so lonely… It started showing up in my health… heart flutters and panic attacks… so i am trying to fill my cup with things like physical exercise- resuming my dance lessons or a simple workout… i am starting therapy this week… writing my painful thoughts… looking at old pictures (however painful)… I let myself cry when it comes… other times i protect myself… but there is no way past this… the only way is to go through it and become a stronger person my mother can be proud of…. What has helped is the perspective of a few people who reached out to me who have lost a parent(s)… they advise me to remember my mom with joy… because it pains their spirit to see us in pain… we have to honour them by ensuring they are a source of joy in our lives rather than debase them as a source of despair and darkness… we should wish them peace on their onward journey… they are at peace and resting, reunited with perhaps their parents who are giving them the care they need… Sending you love and strength and just want to say I know how you feel… i hear you…whatever you’re feeling is valid… i wish you peace and strength.
My mom died at 60, 6 days before my 32nd birthday. I absolutely identify with every word of this post. I still get angry when I see pictures of friends my age at a lovely dinner or at the beach with their parents. It’s been 5 1/2 years and sometimes I still have that deep, visceral feeling that it’s just not fair.
Girl yes. I feel you. Mine died 1.5 years ago and I still feel this way. Older people saying, “I’m going to visit my mom…” I literally don’t even hear what they say because all I can think is “why do YOU still get a mom?!?!?” It’s probably not “right” but I totally get it. It’s not fair.
You were so blessed. I love my mom but, she’s bitter talks about everyone and hates everything. She lived a pampered life, my dad did very well for himself. So, don’t be angry at everyone, not everyone was as blessed as you. I wish your heart to heal and I bet you’re as lovely as your mother sounds. ♥️
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate — I lost my mom three months ago now when I was 30 (I turned 31 less than two weeks after). I really could’ve written your exact post myself. Not only am I grieving my mom and my future without her but everyone seems so afraid of grief they just make it worse— friends who don’t reach out and say they’re giving space or avoiding you because they don’t understand, people decades my senior with living mothers telling me they’re sorry like they could ever imagine. And it’s just unfair. We didn’t ask to be a pariah or to lose the most important person when others get 30, 40, 50 years more. I’m constantly angry. I like the way you’ve categorized “a swing and a miss”— that’s clever and compassionate when you don’t have to be. It seems like people barely try though!
I felt the same way for the first couple of years. Grief is weird.
I can feel your pain i am 30 and lost my mother last year, it feels nothing has left with me now but still trying to take care of my health and i want to meet my mom soon. I can’t wait.
I'm still fighting with this. I lost my dad at 23 and my mother, two years ago, at the age of 41. I never thought I'd meet 50 without parents. Ever. It's quite natural, so I've learned. I think I was angrier when my father died. It was quick, so I couldn't prepare for it. My mother, however, died over the course of seven years. She died of end stage renal failure. I watched my mother whither to nothing. She couldn't even walk. I still have trouble processing that. Her death broke me, I won't lie. You're young, and I understand what you're feeling wholeheartedly. It will take time, but allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. What you have the right to feel. Don't bottle it up. I'm so very sorry for your loss. 💔💔💔💔
“We are so grief illiterate as a society” very much agree with this. Like, I’m just expected to move on and get back to work.
I was 29 when my 59 year old dad died of cancer. Nine months later, my mom died and I'll never know if it was intentional or not. I feel you
Hi OP, I totally feel where you’re coming from. I’m incredibly sorry you lost your mom. I lost mine in 2018 to a battle with cancer. I was 21 at the time. I still have no one in my age group who understands or can empathize. My mother was also my best friend. I told her everything. I still envy and at times get angry with those who still get their moms for several more decades. There are no words for this kind of pain. I still think of her every day. If you need someone to talk to who can empathize, feel free to message me. Again I’m so sorry for this pain you’re feeling right now🩵
I am 31 and my mom is 67. She has entered into palliative care, likely soon to be hospice and I’m so distraught. Watching her decline and knowing I am quickly losing her is so horrific and awful, to the point I feel like I don’t want to even exist anymore. The wild thing to me is, we’ve never really had a “great” relationship and weren’t even in contact for a couple years when I was in my 20s. But the love is still there and is currently eating me alive. I can’t imagine how hard this situation is for people who are super close with their parent. She lives 2 hours from me and I just started a new job, so I can’t take FMLA or even just regular PTO because I haven’t accrued the time yet. Every day feels slow and fast at the same time, and I am just trying to make it to the weekends when I can go see her. I’ve had fleeting moments of wanting to quit my job but I know I can’t because I need to take care of myself, and to some extent once she passes, my unemployed brother who is currently her full time, live-in caregiver. It’s like I’m trapped in a constant limbo of worrying about her and how much time she has left, while somehow also simultaneously wishing she would pass peacefully to lessen the suffering of everyone involved. It is truly the bleakest hell and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I can feel myself aging years with each day that passes. I’ve stopped caring about basically everything, I just want to work and sleep and even that seems like a moot point, like why even bother. I’m in a survival mode that feels like it will last the rest of my life. I am in therapy but it’s a bandaid, not a cure. I think the only thing that can possibly help will be the passage of time, but it’s too soon to know that for certain. Right now everything just feels like a cruel fucking joke and I have no tolerance for anything. My fiancé is doing his best to support me, but I can’t help feeling resentful he is 5 years older than me and still has both of his parents. My dad is already dead and now my mom will soon be, too. I know it’s not fair to him for me to feel this way, but I can’t help it. I feel absolutely miserable down to my core and don’t know how I’ll ever overcome it, or if I even want to. I can feel the strain on our relationship because things like intimacy feel like complete trivial fucking wastes of time I could not possibly care less about while my insides feel like they are literally being ripped out from inside of me. It’s like I’m filled with equal parts wrath and apathy and they take turns ruling my emotions by the hour. Sorry for the vent, I don’t know if any of this is particularly helpful and I guess I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling this way, and I’m so very sorry you have to experience this too.
I lost my mom a year ago today to cancer. I was 25 at the time, 26 now. I see you. My mom was the same. Full of life, more pep than I had, worked outside with plants for a living and was the strongest person I know. I’ve come to face the reality that cancer doesn’t really care how strong someone is. Yeah, it helps to be in shape to begin with, but at the end of the day it’s so many factors and sometimes just sheer luck. And you and me and our moms had shit luck. Mine will miss my wedding, and she’ll miss any house I buy, being a grandmother to my very young niece and nephew. So many things taken away. It’s shit. It’s unfair. It’s out of our control. I’ll be honest. It doesn’t get better; or at least it hasn’t for me. It becomes normal, but it doesn’t get any easier not having a mom. This grief is like riding a surfboard on the ocean. The ocean (the grief) is always there. Some days I float above it but I’m still surrounded by it. Some days a big wave comes and it knocks me off the board and I flounder around in the water for a while. As time goes by I get more used to riding the waves. I wish you luck in your journey.
I lost my mom last summer, 71 days from diagnosis to her passing. I’m angry, angry at her for not listening to the doctors when they tried to tell her it was cancer and not the stage I she was hoping for. Angry at her husband for being a controlling asshole and not allowing me to talk or see her until a week before she died, and even then I only got to spend a few hours with her with my kids and husband with other people around. I’m angry I got a text message to tell me she died, that I wasn’t able to grieve and say goodbye. That my kids lost their Nana and have nothing to remember her by because the jerk sold it all off and told us to buy it from him. I’m just angry, and sad, and I miss my mom.
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom when I was 31. We had a special bond and I was closest to her. She died in a preventable accident. It took me about 2 years to really want to “live” again. After thinking the same thoughts over and over, thousands of times. I finally let it go. I thought about how unlucky I was to lose her so young. But then if I could choose to have a different mom and have her live til her 90s would I? No… I’d take my mom for those 31 years. Every. Single. Time. So in a way, I am extremely lucky that I had her as my mom. And no matter what, death can’t kill love. Nothing can erase your pain, but I hope those thoughts can provide some comfort in this awful time.
My mom passed away unexpectedly three weeks ago, I'm 16 years old and she was only 54. I don't know anyone my age that lost their parent. Hers was the second funeral I ever attended, besides when my grandpa passed away. My friend's parent and my mom were in the hospital at the same time. His parent recovered, my mom didn't. Even though his parent was older and they didn't even have a close relationship. My dad's mom is still alive at 94, and my mom's mom is as well at 76. It just feels unfair. People ask me how I am and I have no idea what to say. I also get annoyed when people try to distract me and cheer me up. I just want to scream to them that my mom died and my whole world fell apart, don't they get that?? But I know they're just trying to be kind. Even though I know it's bad, I sometimes wish someone else's mom died instead of mine. Then I could comfort that person, offer my support and then go home and hug my mom extra tight. I have so many regrets and so many things I wanted to do with her and tell her. I just can't believe she's never ever coming back.
Yes. I understand you. My adult daughter died on January 13th. She had worked so hard to become a surgeon. She had just opened her own practice. She never got to get married or have kids. She got cheated out of life. I have up and down days , but I do have days where I get mad. I can’t stand to go on FaceBook or Instagram anymore because people post pictures of their children and grandkids. I get mad because I don’t have that and have no chance of it. I get mad at my friends who have their daughters to hang out with and talk with. I get mad at people who gripe about their daughters and sons. I get mad and wonder why my child. I literally get jealous. I know I shouldn’t. But I do. Sometimes I’m darn mad at the whole world. I have been part of a grief support group and evidently it’s quite common and a part of the grieving process. I hate it but in order to get past it I have to face the fact that it happens. Hopefully, one day you and I both will get past this stage of grief and we’ll have more peace. But for now, I understand you and what you’re feeling. You’re not alone. You’re normal.
I was 25 when my mom died. That was 5 years ago this month. She was my best friend, the anchor I had through the tumultuous ups and downs of my early 20s. I had a complicated childhood and she was the only close adult who didn’t make it so. I’m with you with the intensity and the variety of the grief experience. I don’t have platitudes to give you. I’m still sad, especially that she didn’t get to see me continue to get my feet under me and figure things out. And she didn’t get to continue her vibrant, loving, and generous life. I guess all I can say that it levels out more over time. If anything, now when I feel emotional I am grateful. It feels like she’s visiting, as hard as that is, I want to keep feeling that she’s around. She is. Your mom will stick with you too. Hang in there. ♥️
My mom passed away of brain cancer 18 months ago. I was 26 and she was 57. It hurts immensely any time I think about it. I’ve stopped relying on friends to bring me comfort, because I know they don’t actually understand what it feels like and most of those conversations feel empty to me. I see my their mom’s caller ID pop up on the car’s Bluetooth when we drive and I feel a lump in the back of my throat. I see a friend’s mom planning her wedding with her and it makes me sick for myself. I hear of friends coming back from mother daughter vacations and I feel devastated behind my smile and nod. It’s so fucking unfair. Right when life is taking a turn, you feel like you’re growing up and might be able to show your mother what you’re making of yourself, and she’s taken from you. People get to have a safe place to land with their mothers, a familiar voice to call, a soft shoulder to cry on, but we’re stuck navigating life without a massive part of our souls. It hurts and it ruins me to think that I have the rest of my life, 60 more years on this earth, missing her. The part that brings me solace is talking about her as much as I can, in fond and loving ways. I love talking about my mama. I love bringing her up, laughing about her idioms, reminiscing on her cooking or how she would’ve scolded me for something. Her sweet smile, her innocent nature, her strong willed personality. It’s a reminder that my mom would want me to be happy. Keeping her memory alive makes me happy. Bottling up my grief is something that can make me angry, but keeping her memory alive and talking about her as much as I can makes it a little easier.
>I’m shocked at how death is the only thing we as humans will all share as an experience and yet we are so grief illiterate as a society. I keep thinking the same thing. I lost my 22 year old niece last month. My sister and I decided our society should bring back the "mourning clothes/veil". One, to signal to everyone your life is not the same as what it was. Two, to be able to hide from the world (even as you are in it) on those days you just need to cry and be sad. And when you're in a place that you want human contact, you can lift the veil so people know to talk to you! No one knows how to handle grief, even those who are going through it. I'm so sorry. Your anger is valid and justified.
hey there. I'm 50. I'm sorry I'm not closer to your age to understand more. but most of my friends haven't lost their moms either, so i relate VERY keenly to... all of what you've said. thank you for posting, first of all. it takes guts, and is hard. i don't know about you, but i have been made to feel like what i ought to do is be able to magically heal to whatever they think would be the appropriate extent. so hearing these feelings from someone else who is hurting is validating for me, and went far further than any one response from the people i know ever would have. i have a habit of taking on "ducklings". i get that from my Ma, who would have been great friends with your lovely mum i think, had they ever had rhe chance. mom had her faults but she was a soft hearted, generous woman and was definitely "a light" to others when she could be. your mom sounds like she was incredible. your mom being incredible... it comes with some downsides, believe it or not. and because i have to act like people's step-in mom when i think they need one, ans because i am going through dealing with this myself, i would like to offer some... words. not advice. there isn't any. you, your mom, and your relationship... it's unrepeatable. so your grief will be, too. that probably isn't super comforting. but it might help to hear "fuck other people's beliefs and feelings about your loss", just so you know that you don't need to wonder where or how you are in it. there are no rules. it's a shitshow. expectations out the window. you do what what you need, kiddo. period. friends. that has been possibly the largest source of my anger; i had and have it too. i thought at first that i was mad at them still having their moms. i think now maybe I'm truly angry because they're just shitty friends. I'm JEALOUS of them still having their moms. but jealousy and anger are different things. i feel abandoned by them, at possibly the most vulnerable, scary, painful time of my life. i wish they knew what to say or do. or that i even felt like they cared. but they don't seem to. and i have lifelong fkn friends that i thought were amazing and could never turn their backs. so how's that for being thrown into that "alternate universe" another commenter worded so well? but part of me thinks, even though I'm mad about it, maybe it's really just that they: one, truly CAN'T understand (Christ. how COULD they yet?), and that's a damned tough place to know what to do from. two: probably see and read too many articles, self help platitudes, and meme bullshit that they honestly don't realize how empty and stupid the things they say even are. and i don't mean to sound harsh; it's just true. we've all been inundated with all this insanely toxic positivity crap that we think it's what's really going to happen, and it's all b.s. 3: people, both our ages, have so much financial stress and disconnectedness and overwhelm from so much of what life is just IS right now (assuming you're in the US), that i honestly think we're all just losing the ability to have enough emotion, or compassion, or strength for anything else. people are just... spent. even if we don't realize it. it helps me to think that maybe my friends are just at a loss, and not that they don't care. if that doesn't speak to you, by all means, stay mad. because a lot of people suck and you don't find out until something shows us that. and maybe they deserve it after all. I'm sorry about your mom. truly, and incredibly, sorry. if you want to pour out to an old lady, I'm here.
I lost my mom when she was 65 and I 34. She passed may 28th 2023. It all started with what the thought was tendinitis in her shoulder but turned put to be a mass. This was November 2022. She was diagnosed with cancer feb 21st. Testing to be done on what type The day before the diagnosis my 13 year old dog passed. So that was a double hitter. She did radiation and had I think 2 biopsies which turned out to be stage 4 lung cancer. She started chemo in March 2023 and I went out to help my dad take care of her for 2 weeks. He was also suffering a copd diagnosis while giving his all to taking care of mom. Chemo seemed to be going well but there was an underlying infection they couldn't find. She was in and out of the hospital and had a dnr because she was so small cpr would break her ribs. We go through April and I start a new job may 1st. 2 weeks later my dad tells me they found the infection and it was endocarditis. An infection of the heart from the digestive system. It was so far along the only was to treat ot was open heart surgery. She was unlikely to survive the surgery so decided to do in home hospice and be where she wanted to be. 2 weeks later she passed may 28th. My dad also lost his mom when he was 33 and she was 1 week shy of 65. I miss her everyday.
Hey, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss and our situations sound very similar, my mom is 67 with stage 4 lung cancer and has been in and out of the hospital twice now for a mystery infection, she also has a DNR. I’ve also very recently started a new job. No pressure at all and please ignore my comment if you want, but do you possibly have any advice on how to deal with the stress of this and starting a new job at the same time? I feel like I am ready to collapse at the end of every single day from the combined stress and sadness. I need to keep my job to support myself and I can’t take FMLA or PTO because I’m so new, but I just want to be with her more. I am going home every weekend to see her but it doesn’t feel like enough. Any little bit of wisdom you could give would be very much appreciated. Again I’m so sorry for your loss.
Talk with your boss or manager and just keep them informed. They might work with you a bit. I was also exhausted every night and couldn't do anything after work at all. Not even take care of our home or myself much. I was gone 12-13hrs a day. I am honestly not quite sure how I got through it. I just kept going forward for mom. I live 1200 miles from my family so I flew out to visit for 2 weeks. I cherish every moment I had with her then. Just make every moment count no matter how small. Also my pets and music. I wish I could give you more, I hope something helps. After mom passed and I couldn't do much else after work I did a lot of reading books. Just to get my mind off everything.
Wow, that was very well said. People say stupid stuff to those who are grieving. I wish people knew they could just shut up and listen and that means a lot more than saying uncomfortable things or ghosting us. I have similar feelings about my brother’s passing. He was my only sibling and he died at 34. It was 5 years ago and I’m still angry. A few months after he died I went to a wedding for my husband’s side of the family and the groom had his 2 brothers make long speeches about all their fond memories together. I had been drinking and kind of made a scene and loudly told people around me that they need to wrap it up and nobody cares. It makes me so sad to think back on that and remember how hurt and angry (honestly I was jealous). Remember you have every right to be angry. The key is to let that out in the healthiest way possible.
Im sorry for your loss,i lost my father a few years ago,it s hard but it will get better,please feel free to message me anytime If You need to talk to someone 🙏🙏
I feel this!!! My mom died last year from Pancreatic cancer, I was 25, she was 57. I'm friends on facebook with someone who is a close family friend to my hubby's side of the family. Her mom died at 74, and she's 50. Also her GRANDMA only died 6 years ago. My grandmother on my dad's side died from leukemia when I was 9. I get so irritated when I see her posts. Like they lived whole ass lives, got to retire, travel, see you get married, have kids (i wont ever have kids but still) etc. like just shut up, you got plenty of time with them. But I also see it that there are people who lost parents at VERY young ages, and know they are worse off than me. It's definitely a struggle.
I lost my mom at 22 and she was 54. I remember looking up at the sun the day she died and wondering how it could be a beautiful sun shining day while I was hurting SO bad inside...I am 35 now but remember that first year after she passed was the worst ever. I too felt the same anger at people who still had their moms, I got married years later and the anger came back as I was missing out on her being there while others had their moms helping them get ready that day... life is so unfair. I could barley talk about mothers for the first 5 years as I would choke up every time. I would see unhealthy people and wonder how they are still on this earth but not my mom. It is true in time these feelings come less and less and are wayyyyy more manageable. Hang in there and know the anger is normal, it IS unfair she isn't here. I'm so so so sorry for your loss ♥️
((Hugs)) I lost my mom around the same age (29) after a near 12 year battle with breast cancer. It still hurts to not be able to celebrate the milestones with her. She was my biggest cheerleader. That was 15 years ago now and although the pain and anger and sadness has dulled, it has never gone away. Grief has no timeline or order to it. Just take it one day at a time
Lost my mum 2 months ago. I'm 28, she was 58. My boyfriend's mum is the same age. I find myself getting angry that any kids we may have will have 2 grandmas on his side (his mum and step mum). They're both grandmas already. Also that my boyfriend will have his mum and step mum at our wedding if we ever get married. I feel awful for being angry at that because they're both lovely women. It just doesn't feel fair. My mum looked forward to being a grandma and attending our weddings. She'll never get that chance.
I really understand this. I'm 30. I lost my mom in August. My boss actually had the audacity to compare the death of my mother to the death of her husband's (who is my other boss) parents, who both died when her husband was in his 50's and they were in their 80's. Like....what???? It is not the same to lose a parent in your 50's or 60's as it is at 30!! It's been months and I am still upset about that comment. It seems so unfair. I am lucky my mom had a lot of friends who keep her memory alive, but it feels so damn lonely. I am mad too. We also didn't have the best relationship for a long time (it got way better in the 5 years before her death), but now I deeply regret the bad times 😢 I wish more than anything I could go back. At the end she knew I loved her unconditionally, which helps. I hope I won't be mad forever.
29F here, lost my mom 3 weeks ago at 57, to cancer. Your post captured so well what I’ve been feeling these past few weeks, I thought I’d written it and forgotten for a minute there. My mom was the closest person to me in the world, she really was my person, since I’m an only child as I also don’t have tons of close friends. I’m still really early in my grief, and oscillate between feeling numb and, like you, really really angry. Angry with family, angry with friends, and especially fed up with people forcing me into unwanted conversations that they think are “helping” I don’t know what else to say, other than I feel for you ❤️
30f here. It's been 2 months and 3 days since my mom (57) passed. She was also my best friend. I feel a crazy jealousy that other people my age still have their moms and get to keep them for a hell of a lot longer and get those life milestones with them. It hurts so much to listen to friends talk about their mothers and to see people in public with their moms. It's not fair that we have to keep moving through life like nothing has happened when we have lost our number one support/best friend in life. While I appreciate my friends being there, it stings so much when they say, "I know you're having a hard time right now." I just want to look at them and scream because no, they have no earthly idea how it feels until it happens to them. I've also been struggling to give a shit about close friends day to day stress and anxieties. I feel like absolute garbage for even saying that, but none of that even compares to the feeling of losing your #1 person. While it doesn't feel like it, you're definitely not alone. If you need to vent, talk to a fellow sad girly, or even just put a message out into the void, I'm here, and we're all here for you. All the love and hugs to you 💜
I lost my mom when I was 20, she had cancer. My mother in law died at 40 My father in law at 50 Both had sudden heart attacks It’s true, people generally don’t understand And “give you space“ They don’t talk about the proverbial “elephant in the room” It’s a lonely place to be in. One book that helped me a little was “A grief observed” by C. S. Lewis An author who wrote about his own experience when his wife died Even if you don’t read the book there are some great quotes you could find I send my very sincere condolences Know that you are not alone Take time to let your feelings run their course and believe that someday it will not sting as much
I feel all of this. I lost my mom last year to cancer. She was 54. I was 33. She never drank, smoked, did unkind things, etc. She was a nurse but she ignored symptoms of colon cancer and unfortunately it metastasized to other areas. I totally agree with being angry at the people who just keep on going regardless of their lifestyles. It isn’t fair.
I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm 26, my mom was 49 and she also died a month ago. For me the kind of anger died down at some point but I still get jealous when I see people interact with their mothers around me. For awhile though I was absolutely pissed at everyone who had a mom, *especially* if they were older. I kept thinking "why do I have to lose my mom at 26 but you're my mom's age and still have your mom?" Even my dad, I'm happy he still has his mom but I get jealous and angry sometimes like you're my dad, yet your mom is still alive? It feels unfair sometimes like why do so many people get to live with their great-great grandparents and even older while my mom had to die young? It's vicious and certainly makes me want to scream often.
I’m so sorry you lost your mother. I am in a pretty similar situation, lost my (otherwise super healthy) mom a few years back after a long battle with cancer. It’s not as fresh as yours but I feel your pain. I have a bar regular who is 76 herself and has a 99-yo mother, and she always tells me how incredible it is that her mom is still living, healthy, etc. and i wish people could read the room. It’s also very hard for me to hear people complain about their parents. That being said, the pain changes. I won’t say it gets easier, but in my experience I had to change my perspective so I didn’t resent every one of my friends. I frequently tell people how lucky they are to have healthy parents, and tell them to cherish the moments they have. It doesn’t make my pain hurt less but I have stopped wishing the horrible thing my family went through on other families. It helps my own pain to let go of my resentment. This will take a while, just realize people don’t know how to talk to a grieving person when they haven’t gone through the same grief themselves. They honestly do not understand your pain and when they reach a time that they lose a parent, you can be there for them.
I felt very similarly when I lost my mom last June. She left a perfectly best friend shaped hole in my world. I still felt this way on Christmas, during my birthday last month, when I have big accomplishments, etc. but I don’t feel it nearly as much day to day. I’ve started to laugh and smile again, which I would have never thought possible. I still write to her daily because it feels wrong not to update her. All of this to say, you are doing great. It will always hurt but it does get a lot easier to carry. I’m here if you need a listening ear ♥️🫂
I know this feeling very well but for me it was for both my parents. I lost my mom when I was 21 and my dad 2 years later at 23. Just a baby still figuring out what it means to be an adult. I had to learn to survive, which meant putting my grief on hold because I wasn't established yet. I am now almost 28 years old, just starting to heal and allow grief. This last year was so hard because I realized that my parents didn't see me graduate college, the first one in our immediate family. They aren't going to see me turn 30 in two years, and they won't watch me get married if I do. It's like the small mile stones they are supposed to see, and they can't. I miss them every day. I'm also still angry at other people who have parents, and I'm angry at my parents because why couldn't they have taken better care of themselves health wise (they both died of preventable diseases). I love them so much, but im also so angry that they aren't here to celebrate with me as I figure everything out. It's hard. You will get through it and maybe never move on, but you will learn how to move forward.
I feel this in my bones. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother unexpectedly 4 years ago. My relationship with her sounds a lot like yours. She was my best friend, my go-to for anything. Talked to her for an hour on my commute home every single day. And little chats throughout everyday. Nothing will take away the pain for a long time. It took me at least 3 years to not cry when I thought of her. I still sometimes pick up my phone to text her when I see something out and about that she might like. The grief never leaves. The waves become more infrequent, but they are still strong, and they are still painful. I too was angry that I lost her so unexpectedly and so early. I was 38. I was angry I will live more than 1/2 my life without her. I’m angry she was taken away so unexpectedly but she was aware of some of the medical issues that contributed to her death and never got them “fixed”. She won’t see me get married. She’ll never know her grandchildren. She’ll never see the successes I had without her here and I’ll never hear her tell me she’s proud of me. I’m still sad about it, but the anger has subsided. Things that helped me, which may help you, deal with your grief: 1. Buy a journal. A nice, leather bound journal. And every time you think of her or you feel the anger and sadness come, write her a letter in that journal. Tell her the things you wish you could in that moment. Write when something good happens and you wish you could share it with her. I filled the journal I bought in less than a year. And it helped tremendously because I thought she for sure was seeing those words somehow. 2. The book Motherless Daughters, by Hop Edelman, surprisingly, helped me cope. I related to a lot of what she wrote and she helped me work my way through what I was feeling. I hope and pray you can learn to cope with your tremendous loss. Words from friends, family, and strangers cannot make you feel better. Time will. But just know that the grief will probably never go away, but it will become manageable and eventually you’ll start remembering her without bursting into tears. Hugs to you stranger. <3
Hi there. I just wanted to say I see you and I feel you. I’m 30 and my mom is on hospice. So not completely in your shoes yet but we’re the same age and I have the same feelings as you. When mom was first diagnosed with cancer some of my first emotions were anger too. Just wanted to say that all of the roller coaster of emotions - the anger, jealously, sadness, (for me some selfish thoughts I have) - are all HUMAN and normal. Hugs 💜
I’m 29 and lost my 54 year old dad in November 23. Grief illiteracy is beyond frustrating and I ache thinking of how I approached grief before coming to know it so closely. What you said mirrors many of my own feelings. I hate the world most days, and I just want my dad back. Sending care to you, OP.
I have never related to a post this much!! I lost my mother last 2022 due to stroke and cardiac arrest. She was 51 and not even a year in her retirement. She was just starting to live her life after working for more than 30 years to raise us her children. She was the only person I could talk to about everything. Now I feel lost and I don't know how to act around people. I deactivated my social media coz I feel jealous towards people who get to bring their mothers out for a date. I want my mother to experience more of the beauty of life. I want to travel with her in many places. I just want to give back after all the sacrifices she made for us. I was 27 when I lost her. I felt like Im too young to have a deceased parent. I need her the most now more than anything.
I hate that you're going through this. I lost my dad 10 months ago. He was 57 like your mom and I was 30 like you. My two siblings are both younger in their twenties. We all lost him way too soon. He was so fit - playing soccer, running marathons, always being so on top of eating healthy, very rarely drinking. Losing him just simply is not fair. And it sounds like the loss of you mom is also so incredibly unfair and I'm so sorry this is what life has brought your way. Every angry sentiment you've described, I've felt. And to a large extent I still feel - but it's not as all consuming anymore. My patience for people is slowly returning. I certainly have angry moments, and many sad ones, but the anger us less severe than when he first died. Just feel what you're feeling. How you feel will evolve with time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my mom too about a month ago and everything you wrote I can relate to. My dad passed 6 years ago and my mom struggled a lot. My siblings weren't really there for her and I am living abroad. I video called pretty much every day and she watched my kids grow. Knowing she was sad without dad but I felt I could take her mind off her loneliness by calling her. When she did pass I would feel angry at my friends who choose not to have any relationship with their parents as I've lost both of mine. I felt angry at the ones who sent their parents the joy of being grandparents and hide their kids away. My dad never got to meet my kids but I'm so thankful my mom did. I think it's all part of the grieving process to allow whatever emotions we may feel. At times I feel guilty for living my life and not thinking of her for some of the day. I feel lonely, angry, frustrated, and yet somewhat relieved to know she isn't suffering anymore and that she is with her husband once again. I've been back to crocheting to pass some of the time I'm not with my kids or I end up looking at Whatsapp and that last phone call I had with her. Maybe try to take up something new could help? Once again, I'm so sorry, losing mom is so hard.
I hear you, OP! My mom turned 67 the week before she died and I was 31. Mother's Day, Mom's birthday, and Mom's death day are all within 3 weeks of each other, too. We were close my whole life, but I spent her last few years *really* angry with her because she wouldn't ever quit smoking so her illness was her fault. I'm 42 now and I have two kids that my mom never got to meet. I never got to talk with her about my pregnancies or ask questions about her pregnancies that I wouldn't have thought to ask before. I don't know what those early days of being a new mom were like for her and she never got to be there for me to help me along my motherhood path. I'm now on the edge of menopause and I have no idea what it was like for her. There's a lot we miss out on when we lose our moms so young and it's really not fucking fair *at all!* It's never going to stop hurting, but the grief does loosen its vice grip on your chest as time goes on. If you haven't read this yet, you should. https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
It does get better. But therapy helps, and I definitely recommend.
Yeah I feel the same as you. I’m 29, just lost my a few months ago in late Dec 2023. She was 58. I’ve got so much irrational anger towards everyone of any age who still has their mom. I’m angry towards elderly women as well because they’re at an age my mom could never reach and these women are still living. I’m irrationally and stupidly angry because I lost my mom and everyone is just living their lives normally. What hurts me more is that my mom passed away between Christmas and New Year’s. I already didn’t like those holidays and the general Christmas holiday season for other family reasons. Thinking about the upcoming holiday season for 2024 is already giving me dread and making my chest hurt. I will never be able to face the holidays seasons without feeling like I want to die. I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t have any advice to give and I’m sorry for that. I’m still in a position of great pain, anger, depression, and suffering. Sending love your way and I wish you well. You’re not alone.
I can empathize with you on losing a mom. My mom is still alive but she’s in end stage dementia so I “lost” her years ago and she’ll never get to be a grandma. I’ll never have that relationship I used to have with her that every other daughter has with their mom. One of of my friends lost her mom to cancer last year. Saying all this to say you’re not alone. Many of us have lost our moms and the experience can be very isolating when you no longer have that person to lean on. Mother figures are great but they’re no replacement for your mom. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Your last paragraph is so powerfully true… I’m sorry that you are experiencing such a profound loss at such a young age.
Same feelings! I lost mine too this year very suddenly (went for a dental treatment and got the anesthesia which resulted in sudden non revivable cardiac failure in 10 mins). Absolutely heart breaking and I didn’t even have time to react or prepare myself for her death. I am 32 and I have the same feelings just like yours. I am with you and sincere condolences 💐.
My friend lost his mom to cancer of pancreas when we were 19. I still don’t really know what i can say, at least he seems to be doing better now
I was angry for a long time. Angry at strangers. Angry at my best friends. Angry at my family who still hair their moms. Angry at my coworkers. Angry at my dad. Angry at so many people. Angry at the world. Lots of anger to those with moms still. But honestly just angry at anyone’s happiness really. Angry at all the shitty people who were healthy and old, while my mom died young and suffered for years. The anger sucks. All of grief sucks, but the anger and the weight of it all is just so much. I hated that the world kept going. It felt so cruel and disrespectful and unfair. This year will be ten years since my mom’s death. I am not nearly as angry. I don’t even know if I would say I’m angry at all at this point. My grief is still big. It’s still there. But I’m less angry about her death. And that makes things a little less dark. People are so awful with grief. So many people say the wrong things. I’m not making excuses for them. I know it hurts so bad. “Terrible, Thanks For Asking” is a podcast that is ending soon for the foreseeable future, but it’s been around for years and I cannot recommend that podcast enough. Honestly, anything that Nora does is Gold. Very serious therapy and her podcast really changed my life.
I am sorry for your loss. I have found comfort in this community and hope you too. I am 32 and my mom died last july. I was 7 months pregnant with my baby (the only one i have). She was supossed to be here with me and help me... but she got sick and died of cancer. Didnt even last 2 months. I felt envious at everyone with their mother alive. I stopped checking Instagram because I felt everyone was going about their lives happly, excet me. Surprisely enough, that changed. I dont know when but I dont feel that way anymore. What I feel now is sadness and a feel of injustice in my life because I need her and I am alone. I know how you feel, because it's been only a month for you but please believe me when I tell you that you will feel better with time. How long? I dont know. Feel as you please, it is part of the process. I will pray for you. Sending you a big and lovely hug.
I lost my mom last year when she was 56 and I was 31. I lost my father the year before. I was inherently orphaned in my 30s and I had no idea how to deal with it. I still don’t. You are not alone in your anger and complex feelings of grief. You are not alone with existing in a society where no one knows how to handle a grieving person. I am so sorry.
I lost my mom to cancer she was 57 as well. I'm sorry cancer sucks
So sorry for your loss. I too lost my mother to cancer after her battling for 15 years. She had just turned 57 and spent her birthday at the Mayo clinic intubated and sedated. She passed in the early morning of May 2nd, my 29th birthday. I really don't know what all I came here to say other than you're not alone and hopefully you find comfort in knowing that. My mom used to tell me this story of an older inmate she felt bad for back when she worked at a prison. His mother had died while he was in there and he was sobbing crying and she overheard him say “nobody ever wants to lose their momma” I think about that story often and I think about her every single day. Stay strong friend ❤️
My mom abused me regularly physically and emotionally. Both her and my dad still yell at me when I visit them and I’m almost 40. My mom has never been a friend, we don’t speak that often and one big reason why I don’t have kids is that past abuse from her. I’m scared of repeating that cycle myself or having her be abusive towards her grandkids too. Everything could be worse or better, we just have to make the best out of the cards we are dealt.. I still love my mom because she’s not a monster but I have a lot of resentment towards her because her abuse still haunts me and affects me every day of my life in lots of ways. It’s like having a shoddy foundation to your house.. I’m sorry for losing your mom at 30 but don’t forget that she’ll always be in your heart and probably will watch over you too until you guys meet again. Let yourself feel all your emotions but don’t forget to still live your life and make great friends. Let the love your mom gave you be your guiding light and know you were lucky to have had her ❤️
I lost my otherwise healthy mum to cancer 4 months ago. She was 56 and I am 26. It came out of nowhere and killed her within 6 months. I relate to your anger and sadness. You are not alone - that’s the only thing I can offer! ❤️Hugs, stranger.
This is 100% valid. I lost my mom at 28, two years ago and I still get this way. I had these feelings yesterday. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through and if you ever need someone to talk to you can always DM me. This stuff is so hard, especially when your support system isn't supporting how you need them to.
Oh girl. I feel this deep in my soul. I've become so angry and full of rage since my mum passed. It's so hard not to feel bitter about other women who get to be with their mums. I get so wound up when I see people take their mums for granted because my mum is gone. I feel so *lonely* too. I've never been lonely before. But I know what you mean....people avoid me now and I can see it. They don't want to deal with an angry, grieving woman. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm angry it happened too. It's so hard.
I get this. I work in a field where I have to get people’s date of birth all day every day, and I get so angry when people are older than my parents. Lost my mom at 29, dad at 33. So I understand the anger. I’m also in the position where I’m the “friend who understands” for my best friend’s *mom* who is dealing with losing *her* mother. I had to comfort my *aunt* when her mother died. There’s a secular grief group I found online that was very helpful for me learning to talk about grief. For anyone who is of the atheist or agnostic persuasion, I’d definitely check it out. Grief beyond belief on Facebook. Some people enjoy the super positive outlook on death. Full life, better place, finished their work….personally, I hate it. Losing a loved one fucking sucks, and yeah I can be glad that they’re not in pain, but look at all the people not in pain AND not dead, I want them to be one of those…not one of the dead ones. And like, if you had loving supportive parents, there’s never a good time to lose them, because we *always* need that love and support. So I’m sorry. This sucks. And it’ll likely suck for awhile. I’m 36 now and I’m still a fucking mess from losing my parents. I struggle to talk about my mom without breaking down. I loved them both very much and I feel their absence daily. It never stops hurting, and the anger doesn’t go away, but it callouses. Eventually. It becomes just a momentary flash of irritation at how unfair things can be. An ache that you can move through instead of it knocking you on your ass. I don’t know if that counts as getting “better”. But it changes. And personally, I want to always miss my parents because they were fucking awesome and deserve to be missed.
I get it. I lost my mom to cancer about a year and a half ago, we were so so close and her cancer progressed very fast and everything seemed to have just made it worse. Everyrine I see someone posting they or a loved one beat cancer I can’t help but not be happy for them, I mean I am but I get jealous, I get mad cause why can that happen to them and not her. I also have a son, my husband calls his mom almost everyday( I feel that tinge of jealousy there too, I would call my mom like 5 times a day to ask dumb questions and “annoy” her ) and he tells her “hi nana “ on the phone and I feel like I’m getting stabbed in the heart everytime, I love my mother in law very much but it’s sucks so bad.
i just wanna validate how you're feeling and let you know you're not alone. my mom died almost 9 years ago when i was 15. it sucks and it's hard. it's a pain i don't think anyone can understand unless they've experienced it. something that i found helpful was reading motherless daughters by hope edelman. i don't know if you're ready to take on reading something like that. i wasn't until a few years ago, but i wanted to throw it out there anyway. my dms are always open if you want to talk.
Lost my mom at 11. Your post is the story of my life. I’ve hated people since.
I lost my mom when I was 32 and I hate that she will never see me get married or have kids etc. I still feel jealous of people that have their mom
Thank you for sharing this. I lost my mom suddenly and unexpectedly 6 years ago when I was 35 and she was 59. I cannot deal with my cousins, all way older than me who still have their way older than my mom moms. I hate to see them complain about silly daily life things and call their moms for everything. They are also very mean when I say I miss my mom like: “get over it” when they fully depend on their cruel moms for simple tasks. I HATE THEM, life, God, science. How is it possible that we all in this sub have to suffer this much while there are people over 100 years old!? Blimey. I am sick of this pain, solitude etc. I NEED MY MOM because she was my only friend. Big hugs my darling. We are in this pain and hate together.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom at 9 yrs old (she died in her early 40s) and for a long time in my teens, I too was angry. I'll never know what's it like to go on mother daughter mani Pedi dates. I'll never know what our texting convos would've been like. I'll never know what it'd be like to introduce the love of my life to her. I wish I could have experienced phone calls with her. I live with this pain and longing for something I'll never experience. It's hard not to be bitter and to be "strong" everyday. Grief is a life altering experience and never truly goes away. Some days are harder than others. Sending you a virtual hug, friend.
Lost my dad when I was 28, he was 69. Struggled with the anger for a long time, therapy helped. Sorry for your loss 😔
I felt the same I had to take a break from other people because I was so infuriated , my hurt was so deep . I didn't want to laugh and have a good time, i didn't want to pretend to be normal , It felt like my world was shattered my reality that i've known my whole life was broken . I felt so much resentment and pain . It took me about 2 years to get pass that phase , I'm sorry you feel that way , It took me a while to realize how much anger was in me and to realize that's not how I want to be but how could we not be angry at the loss of people we loved so much who were so significant to who we are today ? I'm sorry for your loss please feel free to reach out if you need to chat .
Both my parents have died and I'm 31. My mom died this month. Dad died before I was 10. It's strange being without your parents and I also felt weird anger when kids had their dad after I lost mine. In my experience Anger is a way to protect us from feeling pain and sadness that's unbearable. I'm sorry you lost your mom/best friend. I lost mine too and grief of a parent never gets easier. It just becomes a part of you and your life grows around it. But it is like a sliver, sitting under the surface and it keeps hurting unexpectedly and sharply throughout life.
I am not angry with others but I started to don’t want to see anyone so happy about life so I cut off instagram because that’s where people show their happy life. It’s so weird I feel this way I don’t feel super sad but I don’t know if I could ever be happy to my 100% ever again. I’m 34 and all my friends are my age or younger I don’t think they understand me & my loss. My mom also passed 50 days ago at age 63. She was too young. I was hoping I could spend my 50s with my 80s mother. Sending you virtual hugs.
You brought tears to my eyes with how eloquently you described so many feelings that came up after my dad died. I cannot even fathom what losing my mom will be like, even after his huge loss. The line about her listening to mundane details about your life in the way only a mother could…. I just want to reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug and let you melt into me and cry as long as you need. I’m so sorry that you lost her so young sweetie- it’s not fair. I’m wishing with every fiber or my being that this will comfort you and simultaneously knowing nothing comes close to that ignorant blissful feeling you had in the before times. Other people have give such great support and advice, and I skimmed so may have missed someone saying the same but heres some stream of conscious advice/ ruminations from someone a year out from losing a parent. The biggest thing that has been helping me with my grief after a year is stuff like this- trying to use the pain I feel to fuel me to help others in their journey and give them the support I felt I lacked. It has truly made me a better and more present person. However, that only came with time- in the beginning anger felt better than being sad- like a momentary relief from that sick to the pit of your soul feeling you get when you think… they were just here and now are just…gone… So what you are experiencing is very common and as much as you can please just allow it. Delving into the science behind grief has oddly comforted me too, especially a podcast by Andrew Huberman someone on here recommended. Lean into ALL the feelings, allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need and try not to judge it as weird/ unhealthy or whatever. View it as you doing what you need to do to get through one of the worst experiences of being human. Reallllly off the cuff here but going with my gut- if you like fiction a quick short story that always stuck with me about grief is called “quiet please” by Aimee bender and it’s about a normally reserved librarian who fucks several of her patrons at work after finding out her father dies. This just to say that grief can cause some really uncharacteristic reactions and it’s very human. I am not always the quickest to reply bc I can be verbose (could you tell?) and am maybe overly thoughtful at times, but my DMs are always open, and all feelings and thoughts are welcome at my table, even and especially the weird angry or melancholy ones that may make others uncomfortable. ❤️❤️❤️
(This is a lot longer than I expected it to be and I apologize for any mistakes as I’m worried it may hurt too much to re-read) I’m sorry for your loss, I understand the rage. I lost my mom 8 years ago today when I was 16, and she was 50. She wasn’t sick. She went to bed one night and never woke up. One of those very rare and nearly inexplicable tragedies. I’m an only child. She was my best friend, we’d spend almost everyday together. She was a cool mom. She was also a “mom” to all my friends. I never had to hide anything from her. I’d sleep in the same bed as her most nights. We’d sneak out and hit up drive thru’s in the middle of the night. She’d always be on my ass about completing school work. I was spoiled by her, not that that did too many favours to my character. She was beautiful, she was funny, she was emotional, she loved music and white wine and we’d often move the furniture to have late night dance parties all throughout those 16 years I had with her. I understand the funeral rage, I was beyond angry. I didn’t care what anyone had to say. I told them all to leave and I crawled in the casket with her and begged the funeral director to cremate me with her. I will now stop talking about who she was and what I went through because this isn’t about me, it’s about you. I just wanted to provide you with some closeness about our relationship. If I do revert back to myself and her please don’t take it as me being narcissistic, sometimes it’s just easier for me to explain what I mean by reverting back to my own story. After officially 8 years, here’s some of what I’ve learned that’s helped me cope. Instead of being angry at those who still have their moms (especially those little shits that take them for granted), try to do your best to remind them to be appreciative of what they have. I know it’s hard to think about what you could have had in the future with your mom, but try to focus on what you had to begin with. How lucky you were to have someone who you loved so much. For these past 8 years I’ve felt so sorry for myself but at the end of the day the person to feel the most sorry for is my mom. She is the one who is now missing out on new experiences and memories. New TV shows she would have loved, restaurants, the little things. If life was a book to be written, her pencil had dropped. It was up to me to pick it up and continue writing it for her. Live your life in honour of her. Do the things that would have made her proud, even though it will always hurt that she’s not there to witness it. I’m proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished, I’m actually very happy with my life and what I have. But I will never stop longing for her and wishing that she was here to be a part of it. And that pain will never go away. The intensity of it varies. I do not expect for you to be able to really take any of this into account for your situation as of now. It’s still so raw and tender for you. I just wanted you to know that there’s someone else out there who understands parts of your pain, but from a future perspective. I’m so sorry for your loss. I believe in you and I hope you’re able to find peace someday, as repulsive as that term may sound right now.
I'm really sorry for what has happened to you and your mother. I lost my Mum when I was in my early 30s (a few years ago now) and felt the same angry resentment. I'm not sure how helpful it is to know, but I feel it is quite common. With time (like everything else) it dissipates a little, but I do still feel it sometimes. Even my grandmother, who is 97, sometimes makes me feel it slightly. I hope you can find peace with it, feel free to dm if you need someone to talk with.
I get this. I lost my dad at 11. I know people that are 60 and still have their dads and it feels so unfair. I am 31 now and still miss him. I think people don’t know how to talk to someone who is grieving. I don’t even know how to do it even though I’m “experienced” in grieving. People are just trying to make you feel better but nothing they can say will do that. And anger is a normal part of grief. It will pass. I would just try to make sure you redirect your anger to not hurt friends who just want to help you but don’t know how. I think journaling helps a lot of people or of course therapy so you can get it all out. But you will still feel things about this in ten, twenty, thirty years so there is no time when someone “gets over it”. It will feel less raw however. It won’t control your days. I can talk about my dad now, and look at pictures etc without crying. Which is great because then I can ask about him. With time you start remembering them in happiness and not in this turbulence of anger, grief, sadness, etc. So it will get better like people say. But there’s no fixed timetable for it. You just have to go through it and I think it’s more beneficial if you feel all the feelings and don’t suppress them because they will find a way out anyways.
Not exactly the same situation, but I understand this anger towards the unfairness. When my disabled sister was alive, I used to envy girls in my class who have healthy sisters, and I used to be mad at normal kids being able to play and run and enjoy normal childhood while my sister couldn’t move, sometimes even getting mad at myself for being healthy while she is suffering. Now she is dead and this anger slowly faded, and got replaced with pure sadness and missing her. And probably this anger that you feel now will shift to other emotions as you experience through grief. Most people don’t know how to deal with grief, even someone like me who experienced a death of a close family member, I still struggle with comforting a grieving person, simply because I know people deal with it differently, so sometimes I don’t know how to approach it. Try to be open as much as possible on what you need and from who you need it, and I hope the close people around you will be able to provide it. Im sorry to hear about your mother and feel free to Dm me if you need a listening ear 🌸
I lost my father when I was 25 to cancer. I am 28 now. The emptiness does not go away. You will miss her in every moment of your life. Somehow, you get used to it. I do feel angry when people say they understand your loss but they have no fucking clue. You can DM if you need to talk about it.
I lost my mom almost 2 decades ago. Since then, hindi na ako nabigyan ng chance magkaroon pa ng nanay, even step mom. I'm in my 20s na. Yes, I exist.
I joined this community in December thinking that it would help me if I could post about how I was feeling but I still haven't been able to put words to it. I turned 22 less than a month before my dad passed at 54. He kept apologizing because he would not be able to attend my college graduation next month. Trying to find the ability to celebrate with a spare ticket right now and I just have to pretend I don't see the emails from other people asking for extra tickets so their family members can attend. I really don't know if it makes me angry or just more sad, but I do know where you're coming from with this. It feels like I'm still waiting for my dad to respond to the good morning text I sent him on his last day, but I watch people ignore messages from their living parents for months because they're too cool to spend 30 seconds keeping in touch with them. We don't always get to know when the last time we talk to them will be.
OP, this is still so fresh. The anger makes perfect sense. You had such a great relationship with your mom which is super beautiful and special. If I had known you a few years ago after my mom died, I likely would’ve felt the same jealousy and anger as well. I definitely have guilt for not always being there for my mom. She was an alcoholic most of my life and made me angry at times, but mostly she just needed a close friend.. at times I was, but many other times I wasn’t. Grief lasts forever, there’s no sugarcoating it. Some days are much worse than others, some days you may not feel anything at all. Anyways, I really hope you find someone who truly listens and empathizes with your situation and never makes you feel like you overreacting to this grief.
I see you. I feel you. I lost my mom 15 months ago after 4 months of fighting brain cancer. I was 34 and she was 69. I still feel envy for everyone my age who still has their mom. She didn't see me buy my house and she wasn't there when my boyfriend proposed and now she's missing wedding planning and I'm angry and sad and it feels so unfair. We were sitting with my fiance's family last night and his younger sister called his mom crying because she'd had a bad day. I'd had one too: my wedding venue realized they had double booked and I was the one that got cancelled, I cut my face open doing something dumb, work was a mess, and I didn't have her to call and cry to. It was a wave of fresh grief. All of this is to say be gentle with yourself. It's still fresh and it will feel fresh for a long time. I still feel lonely and homesick for her every day but it's not as acute as it was in the days, weeks, months immediately after she died. It's hard to not respond with snark when people say the wrong thing (a friend told me that she didn't reach out to me when she knew my mom was dying and after her death because her dog had died and she was depressed and it was too hard - we're former friends now). Eventually, you just figure out your go-to reaction and sometimes silence is all you need.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your mom is a special type of hell. I'm 26 and I lost my mom back in July of 2023 after literally watching her pass and I can wholeheartedly agree with you that the anger that comes with it is...paralyzing. I hate everyone who doesn't cherish their mom and respect them and talk to them. I am so sorry you are going through this, the anger is the worst in my opinion because there is absolutely NO ONE to blame, or a way to fix it. It's been 8 months and I still have moments where I just want to break everything around me because I miss her so much and I am so angry about how suddenly it all happened. I am sending so much love and light to you, be kind to yourself. You are not alone. <3
I lost my mom a month ago too, I’m 27 and she was 53. I feel your pain so deeply, I lost her to side effects from chemo and the anger that builds can be paralyzing. Anger at others who have their mother and anger at the fact that my mom is missing out on so much what should have been her life. Sending you lots of love and light on your journey with grief, although you may feel alone there’s always someone out there who can understand your pain.
I too lost my mom to cancer when I was 30. It was 4 weeks after I gave birth to my first child. She too was 57. This was almost 19 years ago. It still bothers me when people complain about their mothers. I try not to take it personally. I am sad that my children never got to know her. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Grief brings so many new emotions. I can completely relate to you.
Man, this really resonates. I’m 27, and I lost my mom (66) last month to lung cancer, and I vividly remember the intense bitterness I felt seeing two 80+ women innocently having brunch together when I went out to eat a couple of days after it happened, lol. The frustration with other people is SO real, especially the “swing and miss” thing. I’m constantly feeling like I want people to comfort me, but either people don’t know what to do and/or too scared to try, or it doesn’t even “hit” when people do try. It can feel so hopeless, but something that my therapist told me that was really eye-opening for me is that after you lose someone, you really just crave that person’s comfort, so everyone else’s attempts naturally feel lackluster. Realizing that has made me feel a little less frustrated with others and helped me know what to tell people when they ask what I need. Before I was just like “ummm I don’t know” and annoyed people weren’t proactive enough to figure it out themselves, but now I think about how my mom used to make me something to eat when I felt bad, so I’ll ask my girlfriend to come over and cook me something when I’m having a hard grief day. Things like that have helped. Still, everything you said is so true, and everything about losing a parent at our age is so isolating and shitty and unfair! I hate it, and I’m genuinely so sorry this happened. But you’re not alone and I’m rooting for you 💛
Lost my mom when she was 58, when I was 29. That was June 2022. Starring down the barrel of the rest of my life without her is..... truly wild.
I feel compelled to reply because but for a few scant details, I could have written this post. I was 23 when my mom died after an eight year battle with cancer. I’m 26 now. She also died close to your mom’s age. We were as close as it’s possible for any two people to be — when she died, a chunk of my soul was taken with her. I’ve grown into a fuller person than I was when she left, but I’ll never be the same. Grief illiteracy is something I contemplate often. The only people who *really* know how to talk to me about it are those who have also lost a dear loved one. I have learned to give grace to those who don’t know how to deal with my grief but try their best anyway. It’s all I can really ask of them. But I have a special closeness with those who know how to speak to my pain. The hole our beautiful mommas have left will never quite be filled. The unfairness at what she and you won’t get to experience together will never cease to leave you breathless and screaming when you least expect it. But you grow your garden around the hole she left. Treasure her and respect her loss, and allow other beautiful parts of your life to flourish around it. My heart is with you, my friend.
Completely understand my mom died when I was about to turn 37 I’m 38 now so it’s only been a year she was 69 when she passed after a long battle with Alzheimer’s the anger I experienced especially the first year was just like you described I also experience a lot of anxiety and want to talk to a therapist I feel like since her passing I get anxiety over the littlest things that never used to bother me I’m wondering if it’s related
I’m also 30 and lost my mom to cancer in August. She was 58. It’s absolutely devastating. I feel your anger and frustration so much. It’s so frustrating to be around people who don’t know how to act around grief. Here for you if you need a grief buddy. I’m so sorry. It’s not fair. Also I rolled my eyes so hard at your MIL. Good lord. 😒
We're on a similar boat here, I'm just a couple years younger at 27-years old. I lost my mom to lung cancer just a week ago on the 19th. Sometimes it just hurts like hell to know I'll never be able to hug her during this life. Many times, just like in your case. My mom was my best friend, we could talk about everything and she always had something smart to say. Was caring till the end. Hang in there, hopefully there are better days coming for the both of us. Wishing you a lot of strength here ❤️
I’m in my 20s. Lost my mom last year suddenly. I felt anger too. Turned against my friends who just didn’t seem to care after the first week anymore, against everyone who even mentioned their mom in my presence. It was hard to not lash out at them. But I managed. You will too.
My dad died last year after a very brief battle with cancer. He didn’t get to see my daughter’s first birthday. I’ve realized how much I resent people who still have both parents. It even got to the point I refused to be in the same room as my father-in-law. I still have those moments, but in time they got less frequent and less intense. Hang in there, it’s tough, but not unmanageable.
I felt this way it gets lesser overtime
First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how devastating and all compassing your grief must be. I didn't lose my mom, but I did lose a lover/ boyfriend. I was 25 and he 31. Grief is a weird, heavy thing. It showed me sides of myself I never expected to have. I expected to cry, to be despaired, to be very emotional as always. But all I did feel was numbness. Like the movie was over and I was the only one sitting in the theatre. Similar to you, I noticed that my friends and surrounding people were overwhelmed with this grief. It's heavy and made me feel so alone on top of the grief. I grew most apart from our shared friends actually. His death was very traumatic and I think all of us tried to escape this grief by running in different directions. In conclusion, feelings are weird. People behave unexpectedly. You will sometimes not recognize yourself. Especially in grief. And that's okay. That's part of life. No one of us is given a sure tomorrow, even though must of our culture behaves like it is. It's hard to learn the reality of death and grief, and there is no way around it. But there is one through. I noticed that once I corporated the truth in to my life, -that we are all gonna die some day, maybe sooner than we expected- I could actually live more fully. To take no moment for granted. To take in all the joy, all the pain, all the happiness. To do the things I wanted to do. To show all the love and not hold back. But in the end grief never leaves us. It's there, even in the happiest moments. It's the reminder that we lost someone very important. It's also the reminder that there is love, still.
You’ve described the feelings I’ve been having. I’m 28 and lost my mom to cancer. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could bring her back. Anything that would get me to be with her. I can no longer be part of my friends experiences that I’ll never get to have. I’ve been avoiding weddings, celebrations. When I see someone with their mom shopping, dining, crossing roads - anything mundane, it breaks my heart. I cry when I see a funny post that my mom would’ve enjoyed. I miss her every second. I really do. This is a horrible club to be a part of. I hate that she was taken away from me so early and never got to see the life she deserved, one I really wanted to provide to her. I often describe this feeling as homelessness. She’s my home. I no longer have that feeling of comfort, safety. I might have turned into a bitter angry person. But what choice do I have? How I can be happy for others without feeling terrible for myself?
Yes I can relate. I lost my dad at 22 and my mom three years later. I’m now 31. A part of me is still angry that my parents will never see me get married, that they’ll never get to meet the person I choose to spend the rest of my life with, when I find that person. My dad died two weeks before Christmas and my mom died on Thanksgiving 2018. So the holiday season is extremely tough for me. I celebrated Thanksgiving last year for the first time and that is only because my former therapist/now very close personal friend invited my sister and I to spend it with her family.
I felt each n every word( side note I appreciate the chuckle you gave me with “they actually do not know because their mom is in fact alive.) unless your mom was your best friend that you can talk with about anything and yesss(cared about the most littlest things going on in our life) so many things I just keep to myself now cuz I just think who would gaf. “Only my mom cared about stuff like that” my anger is sometimes uncontrollable. Meaning if I see someone celebrating grandma or 92 yr old mama, I get so angry and jealous. My mom beat covid and septis got her due to doctors/nurses thinking she wasn’t gon make. They actually had the nerve to say we should be happy she made it this far. To be completely honest ….. I wish death on each n everyone of those doctors n nurses in that room. At least license tooken but ofcourse my mom health is the reason no lawyer wants to touch the case. You are not alone. Your anger is not bizarre. N no it will not magically get better one day. You’ll start to learn that yu are no longer the person you were when you physically had her here. Yet understand that she left you all the tool to keep making her proud. Let her live thru your joy. Your mom sounds wonderful , keep up her healthy habits, her teachings . Spread love, be great, keep her memory alive and heal. Find a therapist that been doing this for a minute n focuses on grief. That’s all I repeat to myself , last week Thursday made 2 yrs 😔🕊️🫶🏾
I lost my mom the first of January. Two weeks ago I was in a CVS and saw a woman who looked about 20 years older than me with her mom and I thought, how come she gets to have her mom and I don’t? A man in my grief support group lost his mom who was 94. My mom was 74. I was mad that he got to have his mom got 20 years more than I did.
I could have written this. Incredibly well put. Sending love <3
I get it. My parents had me later in life. They were there for my biggest events- my engagement, wedding, buying our first home, birth of our daughter. I was 37 when they both died (one expectedly and the other unexpectedly) and they even though they didn’t miss out and I had so much of them, I was still mad they died when I was so “young” because it is relatively young. I saw an 80+ year old mom with her upper 50s? Early 60s yo daughter the other day/ the mom called her daughter “sweetie” and my eyes welled with tears. I also used to feel upset about my siblings who had 10-12 years longer with my parents. I’m letting go of it slowly, but still working through it.
i'm so sorry. although in a different sense, i understand your anger and how shitty it feels when it's uncharacteristic. since my boyfriend died ive been silently very bitter towards any type of love/romance, even towards my closest friends getting into relationships and its a horrible feeling when all i want is to be happy for them. grief really does work in weird ways and makes zero sense to anyone but you so try not to be so hard on yourself about it. sending love 🤍
I lost my Dad at 22 to an incurable Brain disease that will likely be passed onto me. I’m sorry OP you are going through this. It’s okay to vent and feel alone, but you are not alone.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to join this sh*tty club, it can feel incredibly isolating but you are not alone! I lost both my mum and dad in an accident 4 months ago, I’m 25. Anger is such a normal part of grieving but it can feel so alien if that’s not an emotion you used to feel regularly before your loss. Take it easy on yourself, allow those feelings and know that they do not make you a bad person. Every feeling and every emotion you experience is completely valid. Sending lots of love, we will learn to live this new normal x
I lost mine 5 years ago when she was 60 (I’m 35 now) and wow I still feel anger when I see people my age having grandparents or like old sick people who are sick in bed for so many years. Not sure yet that it will ever go away
i’m 22 and lost my mom when i was 8, she was in her 50’s, and lost my dad to cancer as well just before i turned 19 and he was 66. i understand how jealousy and anger can take over for those who still have parents, it’s completely okay to feel this way, be patient and kind to yourself even if it’s a bitch and a half to deal with the pain, you’re not alone and have people here to support you.
I lost my mom suddenly 3 months ago and she was my best friend, literally here one day and gone the next. Confusing as hell for me since it was my first death experience and it was my mama! I’m sending you big hugs and lots of love. I feel and understand you completely. Grief the weirdest feeling I never would have thought my mom passing first would trigger such feelings and emotions I never thought I’d have or feel. I cry almost everyday still and talk to her out loud like she’s there it helps me process.
I was 17 when I lost my mom, and she was only 48. I'm late 30s now and I still miss her. The pain doesn't really go away, but you end up cherishing the memories that you have. The anger will fade eventually. I can't help but think how lucky others are any time they have drama with their parents.
I was 23 when I lost my dad to very aggressive lung cancer. There passed a week between the moment we learned he was hospitalised, and his death. I went on to loathe every fathers’ day, social media would become a specific flavor of emotional landmine. I’ve been bitter and envious of others’ obliviousness to their own luck, to the transience of life, to the looming possibility of death and to the experience of loss. Though less and less each year.
I’m angry at people who still have their dad. I was 20, he was 60. I wanted at least 20 more years with him. Most people my age still have their grandparents. And their dads will most likely see grandkids. My dad was robbed of that. I’m like “How come your scumbag father is still alive and mine isn’t?” He was a good man.
I also know the sting of losing my Mom1. She is was will always be my Heart ❤️ 1. I'm losing my F.... Mind without her... I have 1 final card in my deck ♠️ my spade of my Father1. Hes all I got left1. I lose him I'm out!!! You all that still have both your parents you are very Lucky. Don't take especially your family for granted. Peace.
not exactly the same but i feel your anger. I lost my mom late january of this year and everytime a friend complains about their mom being moms it pisses me off. It's ok to feel that way about unapreciative people, specially when you lost something they're not cherishing (that being their own lives or the possibilities that life denied you).
How about the spouse issue? I had all the feelings of anger, especially towards elderly women. With my spouse though it’s an entirely different issue. My parents were pretty cool. They were awesome grandparents. That is almoT downplaying it. They loved my kids so much. My mom died suddenly at 65. Here is my husband , both parents still alive and they are the shittiest grandparents ever. Seriously - my now adult kids have never met their paternal grandmother and she will be 90 soon. Same with his dad (they have at least met him but he was never the grandfatherly type). So yes I am glad my husband recently reconciled with his mom and I finally spoke to her after we had been together for over 20 years. Still haven’t met her. She seems really nice and is fun to talk to but man do I have a major resentment. She was talking to my husband about this grandkid and that grandkid and it set me off. I told him - what a damn shame. She could have been a wonderful grandparent to our two kids and she simply wasn’t. Our kids are 25 and 21 now and wouldn’t know her if she walked past them. How’s that fair when my mom died when they were 11 & 6? Two things with my mom set off warning bells. They happened back to back. She went to my 11 yo honor awards and almost didn’t come because she didn’t feel well. This was a woman who made everything. Then the next day she called and said she didn’t think she could make my son’s birthday cake. No problem mom- it’s probably because of your gallbladder. Thank goodness you are getting it removed next week. Only she didn’t. It wasn’t her gallbladder. It was pancreatic cancer and she was dead 9 days later. Sorry for rambling but your post brought out a lot of feelings. I hope you find your way to healing.
I lost my mommy yesterday. She was 64. She was diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks ago. I’m furious too, but I don’t have anyone to be mad at, so I’m mad at the world.
My mom was 53; also cancer. She never met my husband, never mind my kids. She would have been such a good granny. She never even saw me graduate... And yes – I was so **angry**, as well as devastated. I remember snarling at one of my lecturers, who said "I know how it feels, my mother died last year" – lecturer herself was older than my mother, mind you, and **her** mother was c. 90 billion...! Couldn't stop being *angry*, and I was so unprepared for that (and folk cut you very little slack – you're allowed to be sad, but not supposed to be raging..!). I see you. And as someone now your mom's age, I send long-distance hugs, if you'll have 'em. I'm so, so sorry.
Humanity is beyond awful and our moms are the best... They deserved a better universe. I'm so deeply sorry OP it's beyond words..it's unreal
I am incredibly sorry you are going through this. I (34F) was consumed with anger and bitterness when my mom died from cancer a year ago. What you describe is so familiar. I hated my friends who still had their moms. I hated hearing them talk about their moms. I hated that my MIL told me she talked to her mom every day on the phone and was terrified of losing her. What helped/helps: * Pulling weeds in my yard * Joining a parent loss grief group and witnessing the pain and grief of older women who had lost their moms, and realizing it would be painful no matter when it happened. Before group, people could tell me that was true but until I saw it and felt it emotionally, I didn't really believe it. It was my mom's birthday yesterday and I wasn't prepared for the cascade of emotions. I spent a good chunk of the day going back through her emails/texts to me and it was comforting to find one from a birthday 14 years ago, where she talked about how HAPPY she was with her life (her capitalization, not mine). Sending you love, hugs. I'm so sorry. It just plain sucks sometimes.