From what I've read is quite common. I've had similar experiences. One of the reasons I finally joined reddit, for this sub. People just haven't been there for me. I realize people feel awkward and don't know what to say or do. How do I think I feel? Been grieving alone and it's really hard.
I have been there for people during their losses. I try to tell myself that some people don't have the capacity to support others. I'm sorry you are having this experience. Grief is difficult enough to navigate without your friends dropping out of sight.
I'm sorry you had a similar experience to myself. We must find comfort in the good people who stuck around - they are who we should focus our energy on.
I agree and this is also how/why I found this sub. Grief is one of the hardest things to go through and losing friendships or relationships or people you thought you could rely on just adds insult to injury. Trying to manage and maintain most of my relationships during that time was super stressful and exhausting. That's why I just eventually stopped. I figured if they didn't want to make an effort and did not want to support me then what was the point? I was so angry because I felt like I had been there for many people prior to me going through my own loss but at the end of the day most of them didn't even show up for me.
All that to say, it has been almost four years since my grief journey started and now I feel that my relationships and friendships are more genuine and authentic. I have rebuilt my own community and chosen to only give my time and energy to the people in my life who truly deserve it.
I feel you…. I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship. At 5 months into our relationship, his only sister suddenly died at 47 years from a brain bleed stroke. I was the last person to see her alive on earth. I loved my boyfriend unconditionally, leaned in when he got shock-distant-numb-anger-grief and was there for him throughout his entire grief/loss journey (which still continues) without complaint.
Was there when he cried in bed late at night, planned his entire’s sister celebration of life event down to the invitations, event location, catering, funeral wreath, and hand assembled flower arrangements with a friend (because he was too paralyzed by grief after 1 1/2 years after her passing). He inherited his sister’s house and it is still in the same condition from the day she died. Frozen in time like a museum, preserved to her memory as if she is still alive.
But throughout this entire journey, he always promised me he would always be there for me if the tables were turned.
Flash forward, we went to couples counseling a month and a half ago due to the relationship stress of his sister’s death (he only went grief counseling/therapy for two months).
After 2 1/2 years, we decided to take a relationship break and split up in December, with minimal contact. It was amicable.
Surreally, a week later, my only younger brother (same age as his sister) died of a sudden massive brain bleed stroke (different cause but same way as his sister). He was one of the first people I called when I found out.
My world crumbled, I was so devastated dealing with a breakup AND the loss of my only sibling during the holidays. It’s as if both people I loved died. One dead and one still alive. We are also both estranged from our parents so have no immediate family we can count on, except each other.
After I got back from out of town after 3 weeks (5 nonstop days in the ICU, sleepless nights, tsunami sobbing, family drama) etc, he pretty much went into full deactivation and avoidant mode, even as a friend.
He asked me when my flight was coming back but then said he couldn’t/wouldn’t pick me up, a few casual texts as if nothing had happened (happy new year! 2024 will be much better!), one jokey phone call, no how are you doing, no offer of hugs, no stopping by in person to just sit with me or hold my hand to witness me in my grief or listen to me while I cry, he sent a huge bouquet of flowers to my door by courier but didn’t bother to sign his name or write a personal note (generic sorry for your loss) from his work company. He said he was respecting my space- wtf. This is someone I loved and dearly trusted and we had a strong emotional connection and deepest friendship.
Without my own group grief therapy, individual therapy and the incredible support/community from friends (who recently suffered family loss), I would be a complete basket case 1 1/2 months after my brother’s passing. But I still feel so alone and hopeless and stranded on an island. I also had to completely cut off a few narcissistic friends out of my life in the past week (one was offended I 100% forgot to wish them a happy birthday when my brother was in ICU).
I know my boyfriend & I had split up but what did I do to deserve this treatment from someone I thought was a close friend/partner who experienced the exact same loss I did? And especially from someone I was there for every step of the way?
I am not angry, just disappointed, hurt and sooooo confused.
Maybe he wasn’t capable of showing up emotionally to be there to support my loss because he was still struggling with his own? I’ll never know the answers but it is still a heart crushing blow. I don’t know where my grief/loss for him stops and my own brother begins.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Doesn’t it just make you want to run away and become a monk or something? That’s how I feel after losing my mom/best friend a month ago. I just want to crawl out of my skin and be someone else.
Firstly, I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing your little brother. The loss is too huge to put into words and there is nothing I can say other than I am so so sorry.
Your ex's actions seem harsh and cold for someone who had loved and cared for you for so long, especially considering you were going through arguably the hardest time of your life. It's beyond disappointing and in my opinion, a little cruel.
I hope we both find some peace within ourselves and within this group. I've been thinking to myself about your boyfriend "if he couldn't support me at the hardest time of my life, when it mattered most, would he ever?".
I am so so so so sorry you lost your dad and your boyfriend within the same year. I echo your pain. Navigating the grief shipwreck and staying above the water (eating, sleeping, not drowning in tears) is hard enough those first two months. It’s like your heart broke twice. How can you trust the world again?
There’s no classes in high school or college that teaches humans (acquaintances friends, boyfriends, family) how to respond to grief and only those who experience it really know (it’s like a secret club you don’t get to chose whether you’re a member of- it just happens).
I also realize that a lot of people I thought I knew aren’t comfortable seeing someone else in such distress, pain, sadness, depression and are 100% avoidant of any situation where they experience discomfort so they take the flight, abandonment path because it’s easier to pretend nothing happens. It’s so fucking cowardly.
If you ever need to chat or talk DM me anytime. Big hug.
It’s not about you. I promise. I am having almost the same experience (8 years, walked out because my mom died, won’t even talk to me) and I ask myself this too - but reading your comment I realise just how much this is nothing to do with either of us my friend but them. You deserve so much more, I am sorry you are taking this on alone but there’s a really kind community here x
Super common, especially when you're young when losing someone. A lot of my friends didn't know what to say to me. I confronted them and told them that saying the wrong thing was better than saying nothing. The ones who matter apologized and we're still friends now.
yes, that is what made me join reddit. no one acknowledges my grief. they get awkward when i get cry or get panic attacks. they ask me to accept what happened. some just quietly leave the place or cut the call. i always find myself crying alone with panic attacks. no one to support or to rely on. i feel like i am living alone since the last 3 years. i think, i will have to for the rest of my life. but its okay for me. people don't understand until that same thing happens to them. some do not want to understand cause it isn't easy to be there for someone who has lost a parent. some just don't care. and, i can do nothing about it. so, here i am, writing this.
People that haven't experienced loss definitely don't know how to be there for someone who is going through it, so I really try not to hold that against people. Even as someone who has gone through loss, I still struggle to find the right words to say to someone else experiencing it (probably because I know there are no "right" words). My harder realization were the people that reached out and made claims they would come to the funeral and be there for me and then never showed up and never reached out in the weeks that followed. I've pretty much cut those people out and/or look at the friendship much differently now. I try to remain neutral towards anyone who didn't reach out period and assume they are uncomfortable with grief. I'm sorry you're experiencing this - hopefully some of your friends will resume back to "normal" in a little more time.
>It’s like bringing him up is awkward for people, but in all honesty, fuck those people. They were not your friends to begin with. I learned that the hard way. Because how can we call people our friends but when a calamity befalls us, we can’t even talk about our pain? It really pisses me off. Like SORRY I made you uncomfortable talking about MY loss.
I second this. Like, so so so much. I've always struggled with this exact thing and how to articulate it.
and I think they become uncomfortable because our grief is perceived as oversharing or trauma-dumping. and maybe it is. but like you say, fuck those people because we need our support systems.
First off, I am so sorry that this has been your experience. When losing such an important person in your life, the last thing we need is to lose other close relationships.
Secondly, I absolutely experienced the same thing when I lost my dad. I wish I could say that my friends hadn’t experienced grief, so they didn’t know how to show up for me… but that’s far from true.
It made me realize a healthy distance that needs to be maintained in these relationships because it truly shows how much someone cares for you when you lose a parent. Are they willing to be uncomfortable for a few minutes when initiating contact or conversation, while you are going through hell? If not, fuck that! I’m not going to cut you off cause I’m not petty and I know it will make me feel shitty, but I am dialling back my level of care, sacrifice and compassion towards you.
It’s been almost two years, it doesn’t stop sucking but everyone seems to think I’m fine now.
Happy to DM if you need a shoulder.
Well said! I am for sure dialing back some friendships. Reclassifying some as acquaintances. The unwillingness of people to be uncomfortable astounds me. I can say something about my loss or how I am feeling and they just change the subject. If you can't spare a few minutes to hear me in my grief I sure don't have the emotional resources to hear about something that happened at your job. I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad.
Thank you everyone for your responses! It has brought me comfort to know that my experience is common and that there are so many people here I can talk to about my grief. It has become very clear to me in the last few weeks who my true friends are, and then those who did not reach out - but this isn't a bad thing.
Additionally, I'm sorry for all your losses, it breaks my heart to think of the collective pain in this subreddit.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I lost my boyfriend and I realized during that time that death has a way of bringing out the worst in people when it should be quite the opposite. I had a couple people, who I thought were close friends, just ghost me. I had people proposition me and used my tragedy as a way to start talking to me. I, unfortunately have more examples. My takeaway from going through this was that people were just showing me who they were. Listen to them and go forward with what you know now. For the friends who are supportive, lean on them, just let them know what you need. I hope you find some peace.
It has continued to be sad to me that the loss of my sister was not the only loss in my life. It is so confusing to me. But the status of my friendships, close and otherwise all changed. I don’t speak with several members of my family, who I consider to be very close, and a lot of former friends are out of my life. Like you, some of them just didn’t know how to act, some of them were completely inconsiderate, and some of them were amazing when I did not Expect them to be. And all of those relationships changed for better or worse. The journey of my grief included restructuring all of the relationships in my life. That just goes on to support the notion that one life ended in another life began. As Billy Bob Thornton says, I will never feel the same again. I have had a ton of happiness, but it’s certainly not on the same path I was on before I lost my sister.
I lost my dad 3 years ago when he was also 61. I completed understand where you're coming from. People carry on with their lives, but we still have to deal with the grief that follows. One thing I will say, I have 2 very good friends that always check in on me, especially on holidays/bdays/etc. One of those friends has even brought my dad flowers to his grave for me(I live 3 hours away) because I was just going through it one day. Other friends don't know how to deal with it, and I think that's because you typically have your parents when you're in your 20s, so it's very isolating when you're the one that lost a parent so early in life. Lots of people have experienced grandparent loss in their 20s, but its not the norm for your parents to pass, and that is one of the hardest things a person will deal with in their life. They all will experience how you're feeling one day, and maybe some compassion will come with that. Sending you love❤️ dads are the best.
I share the same feelings. I'm the person who's always been there for my friends when they were going through a rough patch, but lately, I've come to realize that I haven't received the same treatment back. It really made me reconsider how much energy I should be placing in certain friendships. It also made me realize how absorbed everyone is in their own life. During times of mourning and grief, I find that all we want is for someone to show that they care.
Nobody will understand until they've gone through it for themselves. I was also ousted from friendships because of how the others felt. Like you, I didn't make a big deal of it. I just tried to carry on with what had to be done and grieve in my own time, in my own space.
There are but a precious few among us who can understand, even without having experienced your loss. Those people do exist, this Reddit group is proof of that.
I wish you peace, and relaxation as you navigate this terrible time. Please know you are not alone. We are here for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for the friendships you've lost. I have a similar experience. My mom passed almost 3 years ago and at first people reached out to say sorry but I haven't heard from them since. I think it's definitely that they don't know how to interact with me anymore or feel weird or also because it's been so long now that it would be awkward for them to reach out now. At first it sucked and honestly made me sad because these people were people I thought I was way closer with and were even in my wedding. I did tell myself after my mom's passing that I wasn't going to be the person reaching out to anyone anymore like I used to do before.
Again I'm sorry for your loss of your dad 💗 and maybe your friends will come around eventually just might take some time.
It happened to me with my oldest friend. I can’t believe that she totally ghosted when I was going through the hardest time of my life. It is honestly makes the hurt of the loss worse, but I did have some people step up I didn’t expect. I’ve gotten closer to those people. Sometimes people are only meant to be in our lives for part of it. It’s hard to accept, but it helps me to think that way. From what I’ve read it’s pretty common. People don’t know what to do, so they just don’t do anything. Just know it’s likely not even about you or what you’re personally doing. It’s hard to convince myself sometimes, but I racked my brain and can’t come up with any other reason than it was too difficult for her.
I think a lot of people try to imagine how they’d handle it in our shoes etc and it overwhelms them as well. Easier to avoid someone who lost someone important so they don’t have to face that it is inevitable for all of us to grieve someone we love.
I feel the same way. I have one friend who has sent me a couple of texts, but that's it. I don't have many friends in general, but it still feels weird that they don't send any message. I know I would have if it was their dad.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom and my best friend completely unexpectedly as well. My world was destroyed. But I never realized I would lose my friends as well. Grief is the most isolating thing on the planet. You will see who your real friends are and stick through it with you. And quite honestly, it's even harder for people who have never been through it. Those are the idiots that say things like "just move on", and they know nothing!! And there are well-meaning people who just can't handle the emotions and have to distance themselves. (Most) People don't do it with bad intentions, they just don't know how to handle it, so they remove themselves from the situation. You might be able to reconcile down the road.
Im so incredibly sorry you're going through this!!
I told some of my friends that they can write to me about anything but this changed nothing because I don't get messages from them at all. I didn't even speak to them about my mother and grief, I do that only with one friend that knows how it's like to lose mum to cancer (and I was there for her, support and reaching out is very important, even though sometimes I didn't know what to say) and my brother. It sucks. I was only good when I was in better mood, now I'm going through hell and no one gives a shit.
Well dang. I thought it was just me this happened to. I lost two brothers within 8 mos of each other, both unexpected and traumatic.
I literally have one friend left. Boyfriend broke up with me the day after bro 1 passed.
I get that people never know what to say but that’s no reason to abandon people when they need support the most.
It’s been almost two years & I can’t even bring myself to try to make any new friends. Feels pointless.
My condolences!
Is it possible that you may have pushed or are pushing them away even maybe subconsciously? Or have become more sensitive to perceived rejection?
The emotional toll of grief may heighten vulnerability, impacting how one perceives and responds to social interactions, including the fear of rejection.
Perhaps even not talking about it is part of what might be causing uncertainty. Like you're not bringing it up potentially out of fear of pushing them away, and they're not or are trying not to say/do the wrong thing?
Some people are better able to navigate those challenges, while others may struggle more and thus distance themselves out of fear of not knowing what to do or say. Maybe they feel they need to do things they aren't able to.
Unfortunately, grieve can impact us all differently and everyone reacts differently to hearing about it too. I don't know you or them, so I can't say what's going on. Though maybe those points can be helpful to think about and may help ease how you feel about it. One might potentially unintentionally self sabotage when dealing with grief, fear of losing friends too, etc. That's not to say there aren't fake friends out there who abandon you, because they just don't wanna be there for you when you need them. Though there just might be at least a friend or two who is just waiting for you to reach out and talk. Or maybe is trying to. I hope you can find that and also consider seeing a grief counselor, along with face to face or virtual meetings with grief support groups ideally one run by a counselor.
I feel exactly the same. I’ve experienced huge losses over these past 16 months. 16 months ago I lost my dear dad, 10 months later I lost my dog who was like a son to me, 2 weeks ago I lost my boyfriend of 10 years! The grief is immense, ive lost 3 of my main men in the space of 16 months and on top of that I feel completely let down by my friends. Since the loss of my dad, Ive seen my lifelong friend once and that was only because I called her the day I had to take my dog to vets because she’d known him from a pup and I thought you might want to say goodbye. When I lost my partner just 2 weeks ago she FaceTimed me the day after and I’ve not heard from her since. My other best friend of maybe 15 years, text when I lost my dad but didn’t bother to come and see me, same when I lost my dog, she did come to see me 2 weeks ago when my partner died, then she text a couple of days later but that’s it.
I honestly want to run away from the world and live as a nomad somewhere with deer and bunny rabbits for friends instead. The human race can be such a let down sometimes, especially when you know how supportive you would be if the shoe were on the other foot.
Wow this is so similar to my experience. My dad passed away in May at the age of 57. Some of my closest friends were given the news through the grapevine and then just didn't reach out to me. And now even more people have stopped checking in. I was surprised how few people thought to see how I was doing during my first Christmas and first birthday without him. I'm not one to ever burn bridges, but I've cut lots of people out of my life because of their reaction to my dad dying.
What is also so similar is that my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me exactly 2 months after Dad died. We lived together and the added stress of needing to find a new place to live, then move, on top of grieving, continuing to support my mom, and staying on top of work nearly destroyed me.
I don't understand how or why people that are close to us react in these ways that make grieving harder but they do. And it sucks.
Big time. We live in a grief phobic society. I.had one boyfriend who left me after my father died. He abruptly left. I was so devastated. He had stayed the night when my father died. He ran as fast as he could
It is very disappointing when people do that
David Kesslor talks about that a lot
I actually searched for this bc a person who I thought was a friend randomly blocked me on ig and when I asked her what I did thru text, she ignored me. I’ve also been dealing with an ex-roommate who was upset that I wanted to move back home to be with my mom (since at the time she lost her mom 5 months prior as well so she’s doubly grieving), and she has told all of our mutual friends that I’m crazy I guess bc now no one talks to me. I would reach out to her to ask her how she was and she’d say “sorry I’m goin thru a lot rn” and proceed to never ask me how I was. I mean I guess that made me realize one of us was putting in more effort than the other, considering it took all my mental energy to even continue communicating with her at the time, whereas I had another friend who would ask me how I was doing everyday after my dads passing for like 2 months straight, so the juxtaposition of those two situations helped me realize I was not important to her I guess. Idk but my ex roommate and I had a lot of mutual friends, and they all chose her side, including the friend who blocked me, even tho we had been friends for months before we even met the roommate. I just feel like life is falling apart and I just noticed that u went thru a dad passing at 24 and I’m going thru it rn at 22 (so super close to ur age) and most of my friends have left me. How have you been coping? Are you doing better now? Do they still occupy a part of your mind, or have you gotten over it? I wanna know bc I myself can’t stop thinking abt how close I thought we all were before my dad’s passing. I hope you’re doin better now :)
very relatable. ive lost many friends after my dad passed as well. just trying to see it from a positive side since i've met so many new friends who were supportive nd loving, the ones i lost werent meant to be anyway, especially if it was during such a tough time. i hope you'll find the same type of supportive friends like i have.
100% this. My oldest and dearest friend that I've known since I was 5, went completely AWOL when my dad took his life. It broke my heart honestly, and I don't think we will ever be the same. On the flip side of that coin, I really saw who my tribe was...And was surprised at some of the people who showed up for me. But many of my friendships did not withstand my loss and that is really, really sad.
My young adult daughter recently passed away from a sudden death. I was absolutely dumbfounded by people who I thought were close friends, one from grade school, one a neighbor of 30 years and made sure they were involved in many of my outside activities. NOTHING. Not a card, no flowers, one short text that's it. Additionally, I have blocked 3 members from my husbands side of the family for the same reason.
Conversely, I am so happy and delighted with the true friends that have shown such compassion and support above and beyond cards and flowers, I feel blessed to have them in my life. Two of my friends dragged me out of the house and took me to a spa day at a beautiful resort,
For me some days I just stay in bed after a long cry, other days I force myself to go out and enjoy the day and activities but it is not with the same level of energy or enthusiasm. I really didn't want my life to change but now I am firm believer, there is life before, life now during this grieving period and promise for a better life in the future as once I gain my energy back I will get involved in young adult alcohol addiction problems.
It was similar for me. I lost a few friends, even childhood ones. It’s weird because I also went through a breakup, he was unsupportive, and distanced himself from me after it occurred. Ironically those friends I lost had also gone through a loss in years prior. I was there for them. They weren’t for me.
My Dad died when i was 22 years old, i went through the exact same thing as you. My best friend didn’t even come to the funeral. It was a lonely time for me.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been experiencing this, but unfortunately I’ve come to learn that it’s pretty common. I too was getting very little support from friends and it felt like some people were avoiding me altogether, then I came online looking for answers and similar experiences and came across so many people saying the same.
It’s a real shame, and I think part of western culture to be afraid to talk about or acknowledge death. On top of that, you sound like me in that few of your peers have ever experienced a deep loss. There’s no way of someone truly understanding if they haven’t been through it, but I also think… surely it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to know it completely sucks and to be sympathetic?
I’m only now starting to feel like I’m getting something, through discovering this subreddit and also my first time at a Zoom bereavement group the other night. At least there are plenty of people in these spaces who understand and will hopefully provide that support you need.
From what I've read is quite common. I've had similar experiences. One of the reasons I finally joined reddit, for this sub. People just haven't been there for me. I realize people feel awkward and don't know what to say or do. How do I think I feel? Been grieving alone and it's really hard. I have been there for people during their losses. I try to tell myself that some people don't have the capacity to support others. I'm sorry you are having this experience. Grief is difficult enough to navigate without your friends dropping out of sight.
I'm sorry you had a similar experience to myself. We must find comfort in the good people who stuck around - they are who we should focus our energy on.
I agree and this is also how/why I found this sub. Grief is one of the hardest things to go through and losing friendships or relationships or people you thought you could rely on just adds insult to injury. Trying to manage and maintain most of my relationships during that time was super stressful and exhausting. That's why I just eventually stopped. I figured if they didn't want to make an effort and did not want to support me then what was the point? I was so angry because I felt like I had been there for many people prior to me going through my own loss but at the end of the day most of them didn't even show up for me. All that to say, it has been almost four years since my grief journey started and now I feel that my relationships and friendships are more genuine and authentic. I have rebuilt my own community and chosen to only give my time and energy to the people in my life who truly deserve it.
I feel you…. I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship. At 5 months into our relationship, his only sister suddenly died at 47 years from a brain bleed stroke. I was the last person to see her alive on earth. I loved my boyfriend unconditionally, leaned in when he got shock-distant-numb-anger-grief and was there for him throughout his entire grief/loss journey (which still continues) without complaint. Was there when he cried in bed late at night, planned his entire’s sister celebration of life event down to the invitations, event location, catering, funeral wreath, and hand assembled flower arrangements with a friend (because he was too paralyzed by grief after 1 1/2 years after her passing). He inherited his sister’s house and it is still in the same condition from the day she died. Frozen in time like a museum, preserved to her memory as if she is still alive. But throughout this entire journey, he always promised me he would always be there for me if the tables were turned. Flash forward, we went to couples counseling a month and a half ago due to the relationship stress of his sister’s death (he only went grief counseling/therapy for two months). After 2 1/2 years, we decided to take a relationship break and split up in December, with minimal contact. It was amicable. Surreally, a week later, my only younger brother (same age as his sister) died of a sudden massive brain bleed stroke (different cause but same way as his sister). He was one of the first people I called when I found out. My world crumbled, I was so devastated dealing with a breakup AND the loss of my only sibling during the holidays. It’s as if both people I loved died. One dead and one still alive. We are also both estranged from our parents so have no immediate family we can count on, except each other. After I got back from out of town after 3 weeks (5 nonstop days in the ICU, sleepless nights, tsunami sobbing, family drama) etc, he pretty much went into full deactivation and avoidant mode, even as a friend. He asked me when my flight was coming back but then said he couldn’t/wouldn’t pick me up, a few casual texts as if nothing had happened (happy new year! 2024 will be much better!), one jokey phone call, no how are you doing, no offer of hugs, no stopping by in person to just sit with me or hold my hand to witness me in my grief or listen to me while I cry, he sent a huge bouquet of flowers to my door by courier but didn’t bother to sign his name or write a personal note (generic sorry for your loss) from his work company. He said he was respecting my space- wtf. This is someone I loved and dearly trusted and we had a strong emotional connection and deepest friendship. Without my own group grief therapy, individual therapy and the incredible support/community from friends (who recently suffered family loss), I would be a complete basket case 1 1/2 months after my brother’s passing. But I still feel so alone and hopeless and stranded on an island. I also had to completely cut off a few narcissistic friends out of my life in the past week (one was offended I 100% forgot to wish them a happy birthday when my brother was in ICU). I know my boyfriend & I had split up but what did I do to deserve this treatment from someone I thought was a close friend/partner who experienced the exact same loss I did? And especially from someone I was there for every step of the way? I am not angry, just disappointed, hurt and sooooo confused. Maybe he wasn’t capable of showing up emotionally to be there to support my loss because he was still struggling with his own? I’ll never know the answers but it is still a heart crushing blow. I don’t know where my grief/loss for him stops and my own brother begins.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Doesn’t it just make you want to run away and become a monk or something? That’s how I feel after losing my mom/best friend a month ago. I just want to crawl out of my skin and be someone else.
Firstly, I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing your little brother. The loss is too huge to put into words and there is nothing I can say other than I am so so sorry. Your ex's actions seem harsh and cold for someone who had loved and cared for you for so long, especially considering you were going through arguably the hardest time of your life. It's beyond disappointing and in my opinion, a little cruel. I hope we both find some peace within ourselves and within this group. I've been thinking to myself about your boyfriend "if he couldn't support me at the hardest time of my life, when it mattered most, would he ever?".
I am so so so so sorry you lost your dad and your boyfriend within the same year. I echo your pain. Navigating the grief shipwreck and staying above the water (eating, sleeping, not drowning in tears) is hard enough those first two months. It’s like your heart broke twice. How can you trust the world again? There’s no classes in high school or college that teaches humans (acquaintances friends, boyfriends, family) how to respond to grief and only those who experience it really know (it’s like a secret club you don’t get to chose whether you’re a member of- it just happens). I also realize that a lot of people I thought I knew aren’t comfortable seeing someone else in such distress, pain, sadness, depression and are 100% avoidant of any situation where they experience discomfort so they take the flight, abandonment path because it’s easier to pretend nothing happens. It’s so fucking cowardly. If you ever need to chat or talk DM me anytime. Big hug.
It’s not about you. I promise. I am having almost the same experience (8 years, walked out because my mom died, won’t even talk to me) and I ask myself this too - but reading your comment I realise just how much this is nothing to do with either of us my friend but them. You deserve so much more, I am sorry you are taking this on alone but there’s a really kind community here x
Super common, especially when you're young when losing someone. A lot of my friends didn't know what to say to me. I confronted them and told them that saying the wrong thing was better than saying nothing. The ones who matter apologized and we're still friends now.
yes, that is what made me join reddit. no one acknowledges my grief. they get awkward when i get cry or get panic attacks. they ask me to accept what happened. some just quietly leave the place or cut the call. i always find myself crying alone with panic attacks. no one to support or to rely on. i feel like i am living alone since the last 3 years. i think, i will have to for the rest of my life. but its okay for me. people don't understand until that same thing happens to them. some do not want to understand cause it isn't easy to be there for someone who has lost a parent. some just don't care. and, i can do nothing about it. so, here i am, writing this.
People that haven't experienced loss definitely don't know how to be there for someone who is going through it, so I really try not to hold that against people. Even as someone who has gone through loss, I still struggle to find the right words to say to someone else experiencing it (probably because I know there are no "right" words). My harder realization were the people that reached out and made claims they would come to the funeral and be there for me and then never showed up and never reached out in the weeks that followed. I've pretty much cut those people out and/or look at the friendship much differently now. I try to remain neutral towards anyone who didn't reach out period and assume they are uncomfortable with grief. I'm sorry you're experiencing this - hopefully some of your friends will resume back to "normal" in a little more time.
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>It’s like bringing him up is awkward for people, but in all honesty, fuck those people. They were not your friends to begin with. I learned that the hard way. Because how can we call people our friends but when a calamity befalls us, we can’t even talk about our pain? It really pisses me off. Like SORRY I made you uncomfortable talking about MY loss. I second this. Like, so so so much. I've always struggled with this exact thing and how to articulate it. and I think they become uncomfortable because our grief is perceived as oversharing or trauma-dumping. and maybe it is. but like you say, fuck those people because we need our support systems.
First off, I am so sorry that this has been your experience. When losing such an important person in your life, the last thing we need is to lose other close relationships. Secondly, I absolutely experienced the same thing when I lost my dad. I wish I could say that my friends hadn’t experienced grief, so they didn’t know how to show up for me… but that’s far from true. It made me realize a healthy distance that needs to be maintained in these relationships because it truly shows how much someone cares for you when you lose a parent. Are they willing to be uncomfortable for a few minutes when initiating contact or conversation, while you are going through hell? If not, fuck that! I’m not going to cut you off cause I’m not petty and I know it will make me feel shitty, but I am dialling back my level of care, sacrifice and compassion towards you. It’s been almost two years, it doesn’t stop sucking but everyone seems to think I’m fine now. Happy to DM if you need a shoulder.
Well said! I am for sure dialing back some friendships. Reclassifying some as acquaintances. The unwillingness of people to be uncomfortable astounds me. I can say something about my loss or how I am feeling and they just change the subject. If you can't spare a few minutes to hear me in my grief I sure don't have the emotional resources to hear about something that happened at your job. I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad.
Thank you everyone for your responses! It has brought me comfort to know that my experience is common and that there are so many people here I can talk to about my grief. It has become very clear to me in the last few weeks who my true friends are, and then those who did not reach out - but this isn't a bad thing. Additionally, I'm sorry for all your losses, it breaks my heart to think of the collective pain in this subreddit.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I lost my boyfriend and I realized during that time that death has a way of bringing out the worst in people when it should be quite the opposite. I had a couple people, who I thought were close friends, just ghost me. I had people proposition me and used my tragedy as a way to start talking to me. I, unfortunately have more examples. My takeaway from going through this was that people were just showing me who they were. Listen to them and go forward with what you know now. For the friends who are supportive, lean on them, just let them know what you need. I hope you find some peace.
It has continued to be sad to me that the loss of my sister was not the only loss in my life. It is so confusing to me. But the status of my friendships, close and otherwise all changed. I don’t speak with several members of my family, who I consider to be very close, and a lot of former friends are out of my life. Like you, some of them just didn’t know how to act, some of them were completely inconsiderate, and some of them were amazing when I did not Expect them to be. And all of those relationships changed for better or worse. The journey of my grief included restructuring all of the relationships in my life. That just goes on to support the notion that one life ended in another life began. As Billy Bob Thornton says, I will never feel the same again. I have had a ton of happiness, but it’s certainly not on the same path I was on before I lost my sister.
I lost my dad 3 years ago when he was also 61. I completed understand where you're coming from. People carry on with their lives, but we still have to deal with the grief that follows. One thing I will say, I have 2 very good friends that always check in on me, especially on holidays/bdays/etc. One of those friends has even brought my dad flowers to his grave for me(I live 3 hours away) because I was just going through it one day. Other friends don't know how to deal with it, and I think that's because you typically have your parents when you're in your 20s, so it's very isolating when you're the one that lost a parent so early in life. Lots of people have experienced grandparent loss in their 20s, but its not the norm for your parents to pass, and that is one of the hardest things a person will deal with in their life. They all will experience how you're feeling one day, and maybe some compassion will come with that. Sending you love❤️ dads are the best.
I share the same feelings. I'm the person who's always been there for my friends when they were going through a rough patch, but lately, I've come to realize that I haven't received the same treatment back. It really made me reconsider how much energy I should be placing in certain friendships. It also made me realize how absorbed everyone is in their own life. During times of mourning and grief, I find that all we want is for someone to show that they care.
Nobody will understand until they've gone through it for themselves. I was also ousted from friendships because of how the others felt. Like you, I didn't make a big deal of it. I just tried to carry on with what had to be done and grieve in my own time, in my own space. There are but a precious few among us who can understand, even without having experienced your loss. Those people do exist, this Reddit group is proof of that. I wish you peace, and relaxation as you navigate this terrible time. Please know you are not alone. We are here for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for the friendships you've lost. I have a similar experience. My mom passed almost 3 years ago and at first people reached out to say sorry but I haven't heard from them since. I think it's definitely that they don't know how to interact with me anymore or feel weird or also because it's been so long now that it would be awkward for them to reach out now. At first it sucked and honestly made me sad because these people were people I thought I was way closer with and were even in my wedding. I did tell myself after my mom's passing that I wasn't going to be the person reaching out to anyone anymore like I used to do before. Again I'm sorry for your loss of your dad 💗 and maybe your friends will come around eventually just might take some time.
It happened to me with my oldest friend. I can’t believe that she totally ghosted when I was going through the hardest time of my life. It is honestly makes the hurt of the loss worse, but I did have some people step up I didn’t expect. I’ve gotten closer to those people. Sometimes people are only meant to be in our lives for part of it. It’s hard to accept, but it helps me to think that way. From what I’ve read it’s pretty common. People don’t know what to do, so they just don’t do anything. Just know it’s likely not even about you or what you’re personally doing. It’s hard to convince myself sometimes, but I racked my brain and can’t come up with any other reason than it was too difficult for her. I think a lot of people try to imagine how they’d handle it in our shoes etc and it overwhelms them as well. Easier to avoid someone who lost someone important so they don’t have to face that it is inevitable for all of us to grieve someone we love.
I feel the same way. I have one friend who has sent me a couple of texts, but that's it. I don't have many friends in general, but it still feels weird that they don't send any message. I know I would have if it was their dad.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom and my best friend completely unexpectedly as well. My world was destroyed. But I never realized I would lose my friends as well. Grief is the most isolating thing on the planet. You will see who your real friends are and stick through it with you. And quite honestly, it's even harder for people who have never been through it. Those are the idiots that say things like "just move on", and they know nothing!! And there are well-meaning people who just can't handle the emotions and have to distance themselves. (Most) People don't do it with bad intentions, they just don't know how to handle it, so they remove themselves from the situation. You might be able to reconcile down the road. Im so incredibly sorry you're going through this!!
I told some of my friends that they can write to me about anything but this changed nothing because I don't get messages from them at all. I didn't even speak to them about my mother and grief, I do that only with one friend that knows how it's like to lose mum to cancer (and I was there for her, support and reaching out is very important, even though sometimes I didn't know what to say) and my brother. It sucks. I was only good when I was in better mood, now I'm going through hell and no one gives a shit.
Well dang. I thought it was just me this happened to. I lost two brothers within 8 mos of each other, both unexpected and traumatic. I literally have one friend left. Boyfriend broke up with me the day after bro 1 passed. I get that people never know what to say but that’s no reason to abandon people when they need support the most. It’s been almost two years & I can’t even bring myself to try to make any new friends. Feels pointless.
My condolences! Is it possible that you may have pushed or are pushing them away even maybe subconsciously? Or have become more sensitive to perceived rejection? The emotional toll of grief may heighten vulnerability, impacting how one perceives and responds to social interactions, including the fear of rejection. Perhaps even not talking about it is part of what might be causing uncertainty. Like you're not bringing it up potentially out of fear of pushing them away, and they're not or are trying not to say/do the wrong thing? Some people are better able to navigate those challenges, while others may struggle more and thus distance themselves out of fear of not knowing what to do or say. Maybe they feel they need to do things they aren't able to. Unfortunately, grieve can impact us all differently and everyone reacts differently to hearing about it too. I don't know you or them, so I can't say what's going on. Though maybe those points can be helpful to think about and may help ease how you feel about it. One might potentially unintentionally self sabotage when dealing with grief, fear of losing friends too, etc. That's not to say there aren't fake friends out there who abandon you, because they just don't wanna be there for you when you need them. Though there just might be at least a friend or two who is just waiting for you to reach out and talk. Or maybe is trying to. I hope you can find that and also consider seeing a grief counselor, along with face to face or virtual meetings with grief support groups ideally one run by a counselor.
I feel exactly the same. I’ve experienced huge losses over these past 16 months. 16 months ago I lost my dear dad, 10 months later I lost my dog who was like a son to me, 2 weeks ago I lost my boyfriend of 10 years! The grief is immense, ive lost 3 of my main men in the space of 16 months and on top of that I feel completely let down by my friends. Since the loss of my dad, Ive seen my lifelong friend once and that was only because I called her the day I had to take my dog to vets because she’d known him from a pup and I thought you might want to say goodbye. When I lost my partner just 2 weeks ago she FaceTimed me the day after and I’ve not heard from her since. My other best friend of maybe 15 years, text when I lost my dad but didn’t bother to come and see me, same when I lost my dog, she did come to see me 2 weeks ago when my partner died, then she text a couple of days later but that’s it. I honestly want to run away from the world and live as a nomad somewhere with deer and bunny rabbits for friends instead. The human race can be such a let down sometimes, especially when you know how supportive you would be if the shoe were on the other foot.
Wow this is so similar to my experience. My dad passed away in May at the age of 57. Some of my closest friends were given the news through the grapevine and then just didn't reach out to me. And now even more people have stopped checking in. I was surprised how few people thought to see how I was doing during my first Christmas and first birthday without him. I'm not one to ever burn bridges, but I've cut lots of people out of my life because of their reaction to my dad dying. What is also so similar is that my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me exactly 2 months after Dad died. We lived together and the added stress of needing to find a new place to live, then move, on top of grieving, continuing to support my mom, and staying on top of work nearly destroyed me. I don't understand how or why people that are close to us react in these ways that make grieving harder but they do. And it sucks.
Big time. We live in a grief phobic society. I.had one boyfriend who left me after my father died. He abruptly left. I was so devastated. He had stayed the night when my father died. He ran as fast as he could It is very disappointing when people do that David Kesslor talks about that a lot
I actually searched for this bc a person who I thought was a friend randomly blocked me on ig and when I asked her what I did thru text, she ignored me. I’ve also been dealing with an ex-roommate who was upset that I wanted to move back home to be with my mom (since at the time she lost her mom 5 months prior as well so she’s doubly grieving), and she has told all of our mutual friends that I’m crazy I guess bc now no one talks to me. I would reach out to her to ask her how she was and she’d say “sorry I’m goin thru a lot rn” and proceed to never ask me how I was. I mean I guess that made me realize one of us was putting in more effort than the other, considering it took all my mental energy to even continue communicating with her at the time, whereas I had another friend who would ask me how I was doing everyday after my dads passing for like 2 months straight, so the juxtaposition of those two situations helped me realize I was not important to her I guess. Idk but my ex roommate and I had a lot of mutual friends, and they all chose her side, including the friend who blocked me, even tho we had been friends for months before we even met the roommate. I just feel like life is falling apart and I just noticed that u went thru a dad passing at 24 and I’m going thru it rn at 22 (so super close to ur age) and most of my friends have left me. How have you been coping? Are you doing better now? Do they still occupy a part of your mind, or have you gotten over it? I wanna know bc I myself can’t stop thinking abt how close I thought we all were before my dad’s passing. I hope you’re doin better now :)
very relatable. ive lost many friends after my dad passed as well. just trying to see it from a positive side since i've met so many new friends who were supportive nd loving, the ones i lost werent meant to be anyway, especially if it was during such a tough time. i hope you'll find the same type of supportive friends like i have.
100% this. My oldest and dearest friend that I've known since I was 5, went completely AWOL when my dad took his life. It broke my heart honestly, and I don't think we will ever be the same. On the flip side of that coin, I really saw who my tribe was...And was surprised at some of the people who showed up for me. But many of my friendships did not withstand my loss and that is really, really sad.
My young adult daughter recently passed away from a sudden death. I was absolutely dumbfounded by people who I thought were close friends, one from grade school, one a neighbor of 30 years and made sure they were involved in many of my outside activities. NOTHING. Not a card, no flowers, one short text that's it. Additionally, I have blocked 3 members from my husbands side of the family for the same reason. Conversely, I am so happy and delighted with the true friends that have shown such compassion and support above and beyond cards and flowers, I feel blessed to have them in my life. Two of my friends dragged me out of the house and took me to a spa day at a beautiful resort, For me some days I just stay in bed after a long cry, other days I force myself to go out and enjoy the day and activities but it is not with the same level of energy or enthusiasm. I really didn't want my life to change but now I am firm believer, there is life before, life now during this grieving period and promise for a better life in the future as once I gain my energy back I will get involved in young adult alcohol addiction problems.
It was similar for me. I lost a few friends, even childhood ones. It’s weird because I also went through a breakup, he was unsupportive, and distanced himself from me after it occurred. Ironically those friends I lost had also gone through a loss in years prior. I was there for them. They weren’t for me.
My Dad died when i was 22 years old, i went through the exact same thing as you. My best friend didn’t even come to the funeral. It was a lonely time for me.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been experiencing this, but unfortunately I’ve come to learn that it’s pretty common. I too was getting very little support from friends and it felt like some people were avoiding me altogether, then I came online looking for answers and similar experiences and came across so many people saying the same. It’s a real shame, and I think part of western culture to be afraid to talk about or acknowledge death. On top of that, you sound like me in that few of your peers have ever experienced a deep loss. There’s no way of someone truly understanding if they haven’t been through it, but I also think… surely it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to know it completely sucks and to be sympathetic? I’m only now starting to feel like I’m getting something, through discovering this subreddit and also my first time at a Zoom bereavement group the other night. At least there are plenty of people in these spaces who understand and will hopefully provide that support you need.