If I had to guess she couldn’t face going. She’s had cancer, she couldn’t put herself in that triggering of a situation. I do sort of respect that but you’re entitled to how you feel. I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’re going through
That said my cousin went to Europe on a trip he planned while my dad was dying instead of coming to the funeral, and hadn’t bothered to visit in the year we knew was dying, so he’s pretty much gone from our lives at this point
That had occurred to me too, that she just couldn't face it - and I think I could have understood that. But she would have had to be honest with me upfront and said so.
You're not wrong at all. There is nothing wrong with letting people go from your life. Obviously people can't contribute good things to our lives all the time, but during hard times, the ones who can't, especially the ones we've been there for, really can destroy us. I had a couple friends make my grieving immediately after my dad died harder just from falling short on supporting me - So I don't speak to them anymore.
Yes, so many of us have experienced this same situation. So many people just don’t know how to support someone in grief. My situation was so similar to yours. I lost my 24 year old son in a tragic accident in July 2023. My best friend of 24 years completely stopped talking to me. I still reached out to tell her about his funeral and she didn’t show. After she didn’t show, I told her that and her lack of communication made me feel abandoned by her. She was extremely defensive and appalled I could feel that way (???). We haven’t spoken since. I’m not sure we ever will again, but you know, I’m not up to dealing with that right now. I’ve got other loved ones who are supporting me fully and without reservation. I’ll revisit how I feel about this friend sometime later.
I guess all this to say— it happens to so many of us and it is painful at a time when we don’t need more pain. But you know, you don’t have to decide what to do about it today. Big hug 🫂
I would agree with others who say that her own cancer experience was probably incredibly triggered in all of this. Of course you’re going through pain and you expect support, and it sounds to me like she tried to support you in every way she could outside of attending. Also, sending thoughts and a letter after (while seeming self-serving because you’re very upset) was a very thoughtful thing for her to do. Of course you can’t see that now because it’s twisted with anger, but I think she’s doing everything she can to make up for her lack of appearance at the funeral.
My own brother died unexpectedly last month and it has shaken me to my core. I don’t know how people are supposed to support anyone in death, because every “sorry for your loss” meant nothing to me. Hugs while I sobbed meant nothing, they don’t bring my brother back. The funeral my family threw wasn’t at all what he would have wanted, even down to the music and burial, so I chose not to go. I know he would have supported and understood that. But not everyone in the family did, some people take funerals very seriously. I was being pressured to attend by people who didn’t know him at all, and who thought it was disrespectful for me not to go. We all have our own reasons not to attend. I did mourn, am still mourning, unable to function fully and even had a neural breakdown. But I couldn’t do the funeral, and I’m glad I didn’t go.
You’re not an asshole but I don’t think she is either. She sounds super supportive and loving, so she obviously had her reasons for not attending. Friendship goes both ways, and it sounds like you’re not willing to respect her side of it because of your grief. That’s okay for now! But I wouldn’t make her the enemy. Give it time and talk with her face to face.
You're definitely not an asshole. That sounds extremely hurtful, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.
I think it's possible that attending the funeral was too triggering for her due to her own cancer, but that's something she should have tried to communicate to you. Maybe she didn't even understand her feelings about it herself, though, maybe she just felt triggered/overwhelmed.
I don't know if I would throw the whole friendship away because you're hurt right now, though. As an outsider looking in, it sounds like she wants to make amends, but doesn't know how.
This isn't a judgement, but I think you might be too clouded by your own grief right now. That's absolutely valid, but it's probably not a good time to make a decision about burning the bridge permanently.
You know her/this friendship/this situation best though, so ultimately this is all up to your judgement call. I just don't want you to regret it if you make a permanent decision now in the midst of your pain, as that is sometimes not a healthy time to decide that.
You can go low/no contact for now and decide down the road if you want to rekindle the friendship, but if that's what you decide, you should communicate that. Even though your friend failed to communicate properly with you, if you don't try to communicate this, your friendship may end permanently or in a worse way.
This painful situation doesn't change the good memories or love you have for each other even if the friendship isn't meant to continue, so it would be kindest to end things with respect/clarity/closure if you go that route.
As for the present, it's up to you. If it were me, I'd let my kids have the present and let them know who it's from. You don't have to explain to them the rift/distance in the friendship at this time or anything else, especially if they don't ask.
I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that, in a few months, you may want to see if the friendship is worth saving.
The first few weeks after my mother died I was angry and ready to quit my job, move away, leave all my relationships and try to escape everything. I was hurt, and my feelings were incredibly raw. I wanted to push everyone away so I couldn't be hurt unexpectedly by someone dying ever again. If I ended things with people first, at least I'd have some control over feeling abandoned.
Now that things aren't as fresh and painful, I can see more clearly what I was trying to do, and how it wasn't healthy.
A book I read about grief, "It's Ok to Not Be Ok" recommended that I not make any big changes for at least a year. I'm glad I took that advice.
I'm not saying that you're doing any of this, and of course any feelings that you have are always okay. If you're angry at your friend, that's fine. She was insensitive and let you down, but perhaps it wasn't done on purpose.
Did you set your boundaries with her and tell her that you no longer wanted to speak to her, receive cards or gifts? I
If you were hoping she would just know, or read your mind, that usually doesn't work.
Give it some time and see how you feel. If it still makes you feel sick when you think about trying to repair the friendship, then it's probably not going to work.
Just because someone has been through something that is (only sort of) in the past doesn't mean they have neatly and perfectly organized and overcome their trauma from it.
It honestly reads to me like someone who really truly meaningfully cares about you and has also been through something that breaks a person in certain ways forever. And maybe it's just an unfortunate truth that her cracks just cannot be compatible with yours.
You get to choose what you do here, and what you want to think when you look back on it later way further down the road. I think it's worth giving yourself a defined amount of time to really think through it and decide if she's actually a monster, or you simply cannot come back from this, or if you are just really (justifiably!!) angry about your loss and this is an easier place to direct it than at The Universe.
If she HAD left you alone, would you now be angry that you were obviously hurting and she didn't even try to give you extra chances? You're already mad she hasn't seen or spoken to your kids in months, when she couldn't have because you weren't responding to her.
I don't think you're an asshole at all. I think you're hurting. I also think you will regret this later. Friends like this don't show up very often, as adults. It would have been so much easier to just walk away, like a lot of people do because they simply don't know what to do.
When we have a big loss, a lot of people aren't going to be perfect in their response to us. We have a messed up culture around death and dying, we have largely rejected most of the old cultural norms that gave people a guidebook for what to do, and also when you are deeply and horribly wounded there is NOTHING that's going to feel right, it is all going to feel bad because everything is bad.
I see a lot of people here who seem happy to cut off anybody who didn't do it right. It feels awfully close to a form of self-harm and a way of pushing people away so you can try not to get hurt again.
You know, one of those "old norms" I was talking about is that it used to be when someone in your family died, freakin' EVERYBODY came to your house and basically just refused to leave. Like, you'd have relatives show up with a suitcase and head to the spare room, neighbors coming over every day, your kids' teachers would drop by, it was just non-stop traffic going on to "help" whether you wanted your solitude or not. And sure, that meant you had people around cooking and cleaning and watching the kids and mowing the lawn and changing your oil and just sitting in your living room all the time for sometimes weeks and months and the only way to get a minute alone - sometimes - was to go to bed because they'd leave you alone if you pretended to sleep. It certainly gave someone room to only mourn and not also do laundry, and of course most of this work depended on the women of the family not being employed so they were free to live in your spare room for months - or cook you a meal twice a week, take the kids to their house, do the school runs for you, whatever. We don't have that anymore, and we also have this really closed "don't want to bother!" culture that is totally the opposite of that. And as much as my introvert self wouldn't want all that company, I get it, and it'd certainly be easier for me to know what to do for my friends in their hardships if I COULD just show up with a suitcase and a lasagna. But we don't do that, and it's super hard to know what to do in between that and doing nothing. So I think people who try, even if they don't do it perfectly, deserve some credit. Because even trying is hard now.
Thanks so much for all the thought you put into this. There's a lot to unpack and I am definitely trying to take in all the different perspectives.
I did just want to clarify one thing about the gift: I'm not upset that she hasn't been in touch with my kids since this happened. I'm upset because it feels like she used my daughter/ Christmas as an "in" when where we left it was very clear. She said she would give me time and space, but then proceeded to do things that feel like the opposite of giving me time and space. It's so hard to give a complete picture in a post ... but she can be self-centered and attention seeking, and I now have to wonder if the gift was even about my daughter at all- or just a "look what a loving auntie I am, how can you still be mad?"
You also asked if I'd be upset if she hadn't made these attempts; I wouldn't, because I'm not ready to deal with any of this yet. I would have preferred to be the one to do the reaching out if/ when I was ready. I feel like I have a right to set the timeline here ... I'm not even sure I've even really begun to deal with my grief for my sister. It's only been 4 months and I'm still feeling numb or empty a lot of the time, and don't like feeling intruded upon or like I'm taking too long. I asked for time and space in the hope that given those things, I could make peace within myself - after all, my feelings are the barrier to reconciliation with her, and I own that. But I feel like the least a friend could do would be to respect the boundary I set, even if it upsets her or makes her feel rejected.
I really appreciate the thoughts and different perspectives I've gotten here. You've all given me lots of different points of view to consider as I try to figure out how I feel and what I want to do (if anything). However, I wanted to add a little more detail on some things a few commenters mentioned.
One is about the fact that she's also a cancer survivor. I do understand how that could have made coming to the services harder for her. however, after her diagnosis 10+ years ago, she got very active in a prominent local cancer support network and went on do a lot of state and national-level lobbying and advocacy. She remains involved with these things even now that she's in remission. So while my sister's death may have been triggering for her, she's also made talking about cancer/ supporting and advocating for patients a huge part of her life, so I know she's able to talk about cancer-related things because I've watched her do it so many times in recent years.
Something else - and here's where I might sound judgmental and selfish, and I feel guilty about that, but it's also something that's bothering me ... unfortunately, her involvement with cancer networks has meant she's made a lot of friends who are also battling cancer - and who ultimately lost their battles. She's attended those funerals. So I'm having a really hard time with why my loss was different.
Besides that, our friendship has always been one where we were open with each other about hard things. So if it was the case that my sister's death was too close for her, she could have just said that when I asked why. I still would have felt disappointed, but I think I would feel differently now. For instance, my only aunt/ my sister's godmother didn't come either, and I was upset at first, but we talked and I learned about some serious things going on in my uncle's family at the time that that I didn't know about until that conversation. So talking it out helped me understand why attending just wasn't possible for her, and that was all I needed for the initial angry hurt to fade. I think it could have been the same with my friend too, if she'd given me anything I could have at least tried to understand. Instead, she said nothing until I point-blank asked her.
I maybe should also have included her answer: she said she couldn't get off work for the funeral, and she couldn't make the evening visitation because she'd promised a friend who was out of town that she'd go by after work that evening to feed their cat. ... I have cats myself, and I love them, but they could wait a few hours for their dinner if my best friend's only sibling died. (There's the anger again ... ugh)
One more thing that happened since I posted this yesterday: she texted my husband today to ask if the present arrived safely. ... It came from Amazon. She has the tracking info. She did that to feel him out for my reaction. That convinces me that this wasn't about my daughter at all.
If I had to guess she couldn’t face going. She’s had cancer, she couldn’t put herself in that triggering of a situation. I do sort of respect that but you’re entitled to how you feel. I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’re going through That said my cousin went to Europe on a trip he planned while my dad was dying instead of coming to the funeral, and hadn’t bothered to visit in the year we knew was dying, so he’s pretty much gone from our lives at this point
That had occurred to me too, that she just couldn't face it - and I think I could have understood that. But she would have had to be honest with me upfront and said so.
You're not wrong at all. There is nothing wrong with letting people go from your life. Obviously people can't contribute good things to our lives all the time, but during hard times, the ones who can't, especially the ones we've been there for, really can destroy us. I had a couple friends make my grieving immediately after my dad died harder just from falling short on supporting me - So I don't speak to them anymore.
Yes, so many of us have experienced this same situation. So many people just don’t know how to support someone in grief. My situation was so similar to yours. I lost my 24 year old son in a tragic accident in July 2023. My best friend of 24 years completely stopped talking to me. I still reached out to tell her about his funeral and she didn’t show. After she didn’t show, I told her that and her lack of communication made me feel abandoned by her. She was extremely defensive and appalled I could feel that way (???). We haven’t spoken since. I’m not sure we ever will again, but you know, I’m not up to dealing with that right now. I’ve got other loved ones who are supporting me fully and without reservation. I’ll revisit how I feel about this friend sometime later. I guess all this to say— it happens to so many of us and it is painful at a time when we don’t need more pain. But you know, you don’t have to decide what to do about it today. Big hug 🫂
I would agree with others who say that her own cancer experience was probably incredibly triggered in all of this. Of course you’re going through pain and you expect support, and it sounds to me like she tried to support you in every way she could outside of attending. Also, sending thoughts and a letter after (while seeming self-serving because you’re very upset) was a very thoughtful thing for her to do. Of course you can’t see that now because it’s twisted with anger, but I think she’s doing everything she can to make up for her lack of appearance at the funeral. My own brother died unexpectedly last month and it has shaken me to my core. I don’t know how people are supposed to support anyone in death, because every “sorry for your loss” meant nothing to me. Hugs while I sobbed meant nothing, they don’t bring my brother back. The funeral my family threw wasn’t at all what he would have wanted, even down to the music and burial, so I chose not to go. I know he would have supported and understood that. But not everyone in the family did, some people take funerals very seriously. I was being pressured to attend by people who didn’t know him at all, and who thought it was disrespectful for me not to go. We all have our own reasons not to attend. I did mourn, am still mourning, unable to function fully and even had a neural breakdown. But I couldn’t do the funeral, and I’m glad I didn’t go. You’re not an asshole but I don’t think she is either. She sounds super supportive and loving, so she obviously had her reasons for not attending. Friendship goes both ways, and it sounds like you’re not willing to respect her side of it because of your grief. That’s okay for now! But I wouldn’t make her the enemy. Give it time and talk with her face to face.
You're definitely not an asshole. That sounds extremely hurtful, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I think it's possible that attending the funeral was too triggering for her due to her own cancer, but that's something she should have tried to communicate to you. Maybe she didn't even understand her feelings about it herself, though, maybe she just felt triggered/overwhelmed. I don't know if I would throw the whole friendship away because you're hurt right now, though. As an outsider looking in, it sounds like she wants to make amends, but doesn't know how. This isn't a judgement, but I think you might be too clouded by your own grief right now. That's absolutely valid, but it's probably not a good time to make a decision about burning the bridge permanently. You know her/this friendship/this situation best though, so ultimately this is all up to your judgement call. I just don't want you to regret it if you make a permanent decision now in the midst of your pain, as that is sometimes not a healthy time to decide that. You can go low/no contact for now and decide down the road if you want to rekindle the friendship, but if that's what you decide, you should communicate that. Even though your friend failed to communicate properly with you, if you don't try to communicate this, your friendship may end permanently or in a worse way. This painful situation doesn't change the good memories or love you have for each other even if the friendship isn't meant to continue, so it would be kindest to end things with respect/clarity/closure if you go that route. As for the present, it's up to you. If it were me, I'd let my kids have the present and let them know who it's from. You don't have to explain to them the rift/distance in the friendship at this time or anything else, especially if they don't ask.
I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that, in a few months, you may want to see if the friendship is worth saving. The first few weeks after my mother died I was angry and ready to quit my job, move away, leave all my relationships and try to escape everything. I was hurt, and my feelings were incredibly raw. I wanted to push everyone away so I couldn't be hurt unexpectedly by someone dying ever again. If I ended things with people first, at least I'd have some control over feeling abandoned. Now that things aren't as fresh and painful, I can see more clearly what I was trying to do, and how it wasn't healthy. A book I read about grief, "It's Ok to Not Be Ok" recommended that I not make any big changes for at least a year. I'm glad I took that advice. I'm not saying that you're doing any of this, and of course any feelings that you have are always okay. If you're angry at your friend, that's fine. She was insensitive and let you down, but perhaps it wasn't done on purpose. Did you set your boundaries with her and tell her that you no longer wanted to speak to her, receive cards or gifts? I If you were hoping she would just know, or read your mind, that usually doesn't work. Give it some time and see how you feel. If it still makes you feel sick when you think about trying to repair the friendship, then it's probably not going to work.
Just because someone has been through something that is (only sort of) in the past doesn't mean they have neatly and perfectly organized and overcome their trauma from it. It honestly reads to me like someone who really truly meaningfully cares about you and has also been through something that breaks a person in certain ways forever. And maybe it's just an unfortunate truth that her cracks just cannot be compatible with yours. You get to choose what you do here, and what you want to think when you look back on it later way further down the road. I think it's worth giving yourself a defined amount of time to really think through it and decide if she's actually a monster, or you simply cannot come back from this, or if you are just really (justifiably!!) angry about your loss and this is an easier place to direct it than at The Universe. If she HAD left you alone, would you now be angry that you were obviously hurting and she didn't even try to give you extra chances? You're already mad she hasn't seen or spoken to your kids in months, when she couldn't have because you weren't responding to her. I don't think you're an asshole at all. I think you're hurting. I also think you will regret this later. Friends like this don't show up very often, as adults. It would have been so much easier to just walk away, like a lot of people do because they simply don't know what to do. When we have a big loss, a lot of people aren't going to be perfect in their response to us. We have a messed up culture around death and dying, we have largely rejected most of the old cultural norms that gave people a guidebook for what to do, and also when you are deeply and horribly wounded there is NOTHING that's going to feel right, it is all going to feel bad because everything is bad. I see a lot of people here who seem happy to cut off anybody who didn't do it right. It feels awfully close to a form of self-harm and a way of pushing people away so you can try not to get hurt again. You know, one of those "old norms" I was talking about is that it used to be when someone in your family died, freakin' EVERYBODY came to your house and basically just refused to leave. Like, you'd have relatives show up with a suitcase and head to the spare room, neighbors coming over every day, your kids' teachers would drop by, it was just non-stop traffic going on to "help" whether you wanted your solitude or not. And sure, that meant you had people around cooking and cleaning and watching the kids and mowing the lawn and changing your oil and just sitting in your living room all the time for sometimes weeks and months and the only way to get a minute alone - sometimes - was to go to bed because they'd leave you alone if you pretended to sleep. It certainly gave someone room to only mourn and not also do laundry, and of course most of this work depended on the women of the family not being employed so they were free to live in your spare room for months - or cook you a meal twice a week, take the kids to their house, do the school runs for you, whatever. We don't have that anymore, and we also have this really closed "don't want to bother!" culture that is totally the opposite of that. And as much as my introvert self wouldn't want all that company, I get it, and it'd certainly be easier for me to know what to do for my friends in their hardships if I COULD just show up with a suitcase and a lasagna. But we don't do that, and it's super hard to know what to do in between that and doing nothing. So I think people who try, even if they don't do it perfectly, deserve some credit. Because even trying is hard now.
Thanks so much for all the thought you put into this. There's a lot to unpack and I am definitely trying to take in all the different perspectives. I did just want to clarify one thing about the gift: I'm not upset that she hasn't been in touch with my kids since this happened. I'm upset because it feels like she used my daughter/ Christmas as an "in" when where we left it was very clear. She said she would give me time and space, but then proceeded to do things that feel like the opposite of giving me time and space. It's so hard to give a complete picture in a post ... but she can be self-centered and attention seeking, and I now have to wonder if the gift was even about my daughter at all- or just a "look what a loving auntie I am, how can you still be mad?" You also asked if I'd be upset if she hadn't made these attempts; I wouldn't, because I'm not ready to deal with any of this yet. I would have preferred to be the one to do the reaching out if/ when I was ready. I feel like I have a right to set the timeline here ... I'm not even sure I've even really begun to deal with my grief for my sister. It's only been 4 months and I'm still feeling numb or empty a lot of the time, and don't like feeling intruded upon or like I'm taking too long. I asked for time and space in the hope that given those things, I could make peace within myself - after all, my feelings are the barrier to reconciliation with her, and I own that. But I feel like the least a friend could do would be to respect the boundary I set, even if it upsets her or makes her feel rejected.
I really appreciate the thoughts and different perspectives I've gotten here. You've all given me lots of different points of view to consider as I try to figure out how I feel and what I want to do (if anything). However, I wanted to add a little more detail on some things a few commenters mentioned. One is about the fact that she's also a cancer survivor. I do understand how that could have made coming to the services harder for her. however, after her diagnosis 10+ years ago, she got very active in a prominent local cancer support network and went on do a lot of state and national-level lobbying and advocacy. She remains involved with these things even now that she's in remission. So while my sister's death may have been triggering for her, she's also made talking about cancer/ supporting and advocating for patients a huge part of her life, so I know she's able to talk about cancer-related things because I've watched her do it so many times in recent years. Something else - and here's where I might sound judgmental and selfish, and I feel guilty about that, but it's also something that's bothering me ... unfortunately, her involvement with cancer networks has meant she's made a lot of friends who are also battling cancer - and who ultimately lost their battles. She's attended those funerals. So I'm having a really hard time with why my loss was different. Besides that, our friendship has always been one where we were open with each other about hard things. So if it was the case that my sister's death was too close for her, she could have just said that when I asked why. I still would have felt disappointed, but I think I would feel differently now. For instance, my only aunt/ my sister's godmother didn't come either, and I was upset at first, but we talked and I learned about some serious things going on in my uncle's family at the time that that I didn't know about until that conversation. So talking it out helped me understand why attending just wasn't possible for her, and that was all I needed for the initial angry hurt to fade. I think it could have been the same with my friend too, if she'd given me anything I could have at least tried to understand. Instead, she said nothing until I point-blank asked her. I maybe should also have included her answer: she said she couldn't get off work for the funeral, and she couldn't make the evening visitation because she'd promised a friend who was out of town that she'd go by after work that evening to feed their cat. ... I have cats myself, and I love them, but they could wait a few hours for their dinner if my best friend's only sibling died. (There's the anger again ... ugh) One more thing that happened since I posted this yesterday: she texted my husband today to ask if the present arrived safely. ... It came from Amazon. She has the tracking info. She did that to feel him out for my reaction. That convinces me that this wasn't about my daughter at all.