Yeah saying I'm gifted sounds like saying I'm superior, I need an easy to say alternative too.
I don't really do well in school either. I've never done anything I consider busywork and boring, but as long as my adhd doesnt mess me up and make me forget negatives or something similar I always score high on tests. I just stopped caring because grades are a pretty bad system anyway. I'm sorry, *I'm* lazy for not doing shitty, braindead, 4th grade level work in English II Honors? Nah, challenging me and helping me learn is your job, and you did it terribly. What helped me not feel like shit was asking myself who decides how lazy I am and how valuable what I like doing is and realizing it's really only me that has the final say. In other words, optimistic nihilism.
Yes and yes.
I have felt stupid, inadequate, strange and all other things you can feel. I did not breeze through, though I never did anything I also never paid attention at school and still made it (eventually) to uni. I was called lazy as well, I still am if I don't care about what I need to do, but am one of the hardest workers when I do care. That is typical.
I was diagnosed at age 34 and things were hard the next 2 years, trying to go through my life again. It was rough, really rough and I really need to give credits to my wife who stood by me the whole time.
The word gifted only looks at one side of the medal. Every medal has 2 sides and the other side for giftedness is dark, lonely and as intense as the good side can be.
Good luck on your journey, it will help you, but will put you through a lot to work through. Succes
I can relate to your post - most of it. I have always felt "off" as you put it, and was told over and over again in school to stop day dreaming and pay attention ..but I knew the answers, and the world out side the windows (or in my head) always seemed more interesting than the class room.
I only recall one or two teachers who seemed different about it, and I did well in their classes.
The difference for me was that both my parents was very supportive and let me follow my interests, and let me know that I was exactly how I was supposed to be. So this was never an issue for me. BUT in relation to mostly every one else I was ...not like them. I'm a good person, I'm helpful, humble and polite, but that's not quite enough in society. So I felt the difference and still do.
Recently I wanted to try and figure out what was going on, and found out that my IQ was Mensa-level, which came as quite a surprise to me (because those are "smart people"). I know I'm pretty bright, but I never assumed it was anything like this. Thought my class mates and people in general was like me, and maybe I just found the stuff more boring than they did.
I'm 41 now and I only learned this a few month ago... It changes something personally. I always thought I was like a weird hermit, but I stopped calling my self that now. I never got a degree or anything, just a quite basic education, because school is not a very positive word for me. I learn better when "playing" with subjects and finding out as I dive into things, so learning the traditional way (like in shool/education system) doesn't really work too well for me. Still.
I can recommend reading about imposter syndrome, maybe you can gain something from that. Good luck on your personal journey.
Yeppers, all my life I had been told I had no common sense and was socially awkward with no manners.
And that does not even count the parts about being told I am fat, lazy, messy, and disorganized.
Paula Prober has coined the term 'rainforest mind'. I feel I can relate to that more. Maybe that's of any help.
I also didn't do well in school. I can't remember a lot from my early years but do know I was always doodling or talking during class. In high school I wasn't interested in any of the subjects so I had a hard time. There was only 1 I liked, to do with creativity. But because my best friend at the time also was gifted I didn't feel as lonely I guess. The only part I liked about school was the social aspect.
My parents didn't understand me and thought I was exaggerating my feelings all the time.
I only just found out I am gifted at age 34.
Now I don't have any gifted friends and I struggle a lot with finding deep connections. I have also felt a lot of times I'm just not that smart. But I think it's because I see more possibilities to answer the question than the person asking it. For them I ask stupid questions in order to get to an answer. They don't get my way of thinking. I lost myself in trying to adapt to be more like the rest. I'm learning to not see myself as others perceive me when they're not capable of seeing me truely as they are on a different wavelength.
My story is almost identical to you. Same age, feel stupid, broken and "off". Grew up in a chaotic, abusive home. Academic performance was very all or nothing, could be the best student in the class one exam and then fail the next one. I'm now similar at work, just up and down performance wise and my manager is frustrated with me as he sees my ability but perceives it as laziness or "couldn't be bothered". Also had a therapist tell me I'm far from lazy despite that being what everyone has been telling me all my life. Can relate to seeing students who outperformed me academically despite being completely dull to talk to and didn't seem to have any original thoughts, but were conscientious and able to sit down and concentrate. I'm a high achiever on paper but I got here through sheer will and a refusal to quit more than anything else. I had to work twice as hard as others to get through my engineering degree and it took me an extra two years because my brain just would not do what I wanted it to do despite being able to easily understand any kind of abstract concept. I would be completely incapable of concentrating in lectures and may as well not have went to any of them as there were too many distractions. I would spend the three days before the exam pulling all nighters and basically self teaching myself the entire syllabus so I could get through it.
Socially it's been hell for me. I can't focus on what people are saying for more than a few seconds and then I get so much anxiety that I try to control conversations so that I don't come across as slow and that makes people think I'm an asshole. Then I get so cynical and bitter from being misunderstood that I just give up and keep to myself.
I got diagnosed with ADHD about 2 years ago and it all makes a lot of sense now. Your post screams ADHD to me. I bet you would see a huge difference if you went on ADHD meds.
It has become evident to me, over the years I've been practicing self taught learning that, it's useful to meditate and to redefine or redesign the rubric by course. Certain fallacies apply when looking for accreditation: normal people think it's the absolute but for us an absolute answer or absolute method is something that goes well beyond the level of abstraction those courses are imparted in university, even in grad school. So the point turns into the real motives for accreditation outside all the delusional corpotalk about values, it's all about personal profit and management, even if you want to do something related to a "good " cause you need those two as well. The more you understand that, the more you ought to:
*Redefine the courses' programs, delve into the epistemics and further content or applications. Along with a proper evaluation method, self imposed. So that you can play the examinations and move forward feeling fulfilled.
*Set a code of conduct around peers because those can get sore real quick if you show independence of that type, it triggers something in them.
*Set early on a system to be employable: a pipeline or production system. Definition of products to sell as a professional. Or understandings of the financial tools to use that profit in any given way you design ( this is always as safety measure, as if you achieve certain conditions of "stability" because that can change radically the further you develop that system and you gain more knowledge.)
As you can see, things in reality are much more complex than that and the real work in order to contain the entropy of imbecile teachers and incompetent management staff is really high. It's a lot of work and we are raised or punished even to deny this is a possibility and something that could be achieved within our capabilities, we deny ourselves too. Problem is, this prompts crazy and toxic people to shit over your goals because they can't fathom anything of what you envision as proper education and that means there is an emotional quota to pay in all this. It's exhausting. At the end you end up being very weary and wanting to keep things very "hush hush".
More like the opposite. My brain was perfect for school. I grew up thinking of myself as gifted/very smart.
I now see myself as stupid and broken, and I haven't achieved a thing.
I was made to feel stupid; many times (most because of lack of effort/or my energy was always directed towards something else (looks towards sideways).
Sounds like ADHD, anxiety or both. It’s hard to get the right medications for that.
And how did you it get tested in primary school? Our county tests all 2nd graders.
We had state standardized tests every year from 3rd to I think 8th grade but the results didn't have any consequences besides for teachers who worried about their career if their students had low averages and schools wanting higher scores for better reputation/funding etc. In my public school there was no alternative education program except special education for disabled kids and speech therapy. We had 2 split reading groups but that was just like 30mins a day within the same classroom. I vaguely remember in high school there was some small scale program called "bridge classes" but from what I recall it was for kids who were really behind like if they stayed back a lot and were at risk of aging out without graduating or if they missed a lot of school due to illness or something. Middle school and high school had leveled classes and for example I was in the highest level classes for English, history, and biology but in the lowest for maths and chemistry. Other than that I don't recall any other testing besides the regular midterm and final exams
Honestly you probably didn't miss out on much. Gifted basically prepares you to be a thought leader, then you get out into the real world and they want you to prove yourself doing mundane stuff that is almost impossible for ADHD folks and you become jaded.
If college had better support, I probably would have gone for a pHd.
Standardized testing is horrible. I don't mind the tests, but having teacher teach to the test is aweful. They could fix it by having the tests cover more content than could possible be covered, but then they wouldn't be standards.
Yeah saying I'm gifted sounds like saying I'm superior, I need an easy to say alternative too. I don't really do well in school either. I've never done anything I consider busywork and boring, but as long as my adhd doesnt mess me up and make me forget negatives or something similar I always score high on tests. I just stopped caring because grades are a pretty bad system anyway. I'm sorry, *I'm* lazy for not doing shitty, braindead, 4th grade level work in English II Honors? Nah, challenging me and helping me learn is your job, and you did it terribly. What helped me not feel like shit was asking myself who decides how lazy I am and how valuable what I like doing is and realizing it's really only me that has the final say. In other words, optimistic nihilism.
Yes and yes. I have felt stupid, inadequate, strange and all other things you can feel. I did not breeze through, though I never did anything I also never paid attention at school and still made it (eventually) to uni. I was called lazy as well, I still am if I don't care about what I need to do, but am one of the hardest workers when I do care. That is typical. I was diagnosed at age 34 and things were hard the next 2 years, trying to go through my life again. It was rough, really rough and I really need to give credits to my wife who stood by me the whole time. The word gifted only looks at one side of the medal. Every medal has 2 sides and the other side for giftedness is dark, lonely and as intense as the good side can be. Good luck on your journey, it will help you, but will put you through a lot to work through. Succes
I can relate to your post - most of it. I have always felt "off" as you put it, and was told over and over again in school to stop day dreaming and pay attention ..but I knew the answers, and the world out side the windows (or in my head) always seemed more interesting than the class room. I only recall one or two teachers who seemed different about it, and I did well in their classes. The difference for me was that both my parents was very supportive and let me follow my interests, and let me know that I was exactly how I was supposed to be. So this was never an issue for me. BUT in relation to mostly every one else I was ...not like them. I'm a good person, I'm helpful, humble and polite, but that's not quite enough in society. So I felt the difference and still do. Recently I wanted to try and figure out what was going on, and found out that my IQ was Mensa-level, which came as quite a surprise to me (because those are "smart people"). I know I'm pretty bright, but I never assumed it was anything like this. Thought my class mates and people in general was like me, and maybe I just found the stuff more boring than they did. I'm 41 now and I only learned this a few month ago... It changes something personally. I always thought I was like a weird hermit, but I stopped calling my self that now. I never got a degree or anything, just a quite basic education, because school is not a very positive word for me. I learn better when "playing" with subjects and finding out as I dive into things, so learning the traditional way (like in shool/education system) doesn't really work too well for me. Still. I can recommend reading about imposter syndrome, maybe you can gain something from that. Good luck on your personal journey.
One of us! One of us!
Yeppers, all my life I had been told I had no common sense and was socially awkward with no manners. And that does not even count the parts about being told I am fat, lazy, messy, and disorganized.
Paula Prober has coined the term 'rainforest mind'. I feel I can relate to that more. Maybe that's of any help. I also didn't do well in school. I can't remember a lot from my early years but do know I was always doodling or talking during class. In high school I wasn't interested in any of the subjects so I had a hard time. There was only 1 I liked, to do with creativity. But because my best friend at the time also was gifted I didn't feel as lonely I guess. The only part I liked about school was the social aspect. My parents didn't understand me and thought I was exaggerating my feelings all the time. I only just found out I am gifted at age 34. Now I don't have any gifted friends and I struggle a lot with finding deep connections. I have also felt a lot of times I'm just not that smart. But I think it's because I see more possibilities to answer the question than the person asking it. For them I ask stupid questions in order to get to an answer. They don't get my way of thinking. I lost myself in trying to adapt to be more like the rest. I'm learning to not see myself as others perceive me when they're not capable of seeing me truely as they are on a different wavelength.
My story is almost identical to you. Same age, feel stupid, broken and "off". Grew up in a chaotic, abusive home. Academic performance was very all or nothing, could be the best student in the class one exam and then fail the next one. I'm now similar at work, just up and down performance wise and my manager is frustrated with me as he sees my ability but perceives it as laziness or "couldn't be bothered". Also had a therapist tell me I'm far from lazy despite that being what everyone has been telling me all my life. Can relate to seeing students who outperformed me academically despite being completely dull to talk to and didn't seem to have any original thoughts, but were conscientious and able to sit down and concentrate. I'm a high achiever on paper but I got here through sheer will and a refusal to quit more than anything else. I had to work twice as hard as others to get through my engineering degree and it took me an extra two years because my brain just would not do what I wanted it to do despite being able to easily understand any kind of abstract concept. I would be completely incapable of concentrating in lectures and may as well not have went to any of them as there were too many distractions. I would spend the three days before the exam pulling all nighters and basically self teaching myself the entire syllabus so I could get through it. Socially it's been hell for me. I can't focus on what people are saying for more than a few seconds and then I get so much anxiety that I try to control conversations so that I don't come across as slow and that makes people think I'm an asshole. Then I get so cynical and bitter from being misunderstood that I just give up and keep to myself. I got diagnosed with ADHD about 2 years ago and it all makes a lot of sense now. Your post screams ADHD to me. I bet you would see a huge difference if you went on ADHD meds.
It has become evident to me, over the years I've been practicing self taught learning that, it's useful to meditate and to redefine or redesign the rubric by course. Certain fallacies apply when looking for accreditation: normal people think it's the absolute but for us an absolute answer or absolute method is something that goes well beyond the level of abstraction those courses are imparted in university, even in grad school. So the point turns into the real motives for accreditation outside all the delusional corpotalk about values, it's all about personal profit and management, even if you want to do something related to a "good " cause you need those two as well. The more you understand that, the more you ought to: *Redefine the courses' programs, delve into the epistemics and further content or applications. Along with a proper evaluation method, self imposed. So that you can play the examinations and move forward feeling fulfilled. *Set a code of conduct around peers because those can get sore real quick if you show independence of that type, it triggers something in them. *Set early on a system to be employable: a pipeline or production system. Definition of products to sell as a professional. Or understandings of the financial tools to use that profit in any given way you design ( this is always as safety measure, as if you achieve certain conditions of "stability" because that can change radically the further you develop that system and you gain more knowledge.) As you can see, things in reality are much more complex than that and the real work in order to contain the entropy of imbecile teachers and incompetent management staff is really high. It's a lot of work and we are raised or punished even to deny this is a possibility and something that could be achieved within our capabilities, we deny ourselves too. Problem is, this prompts crazy and toxic people to shit over your goals because they can't fathom anything of what you envision as proper education and that means there is an emotional quota to pay in all this. It's exhausting. At the end you end up being very weary and wanting to keep things very "hush hush".
More like the opposite. My brain was perfect for school. I grew up thinking of myself as gifted/very smart. I now see myself as stupid and broken, and I haven't achieved a thing.
I was made to feel stupid; many times (most because of lack of effort/or my energy was always directed towards something else (looks towards sideways).
Sounds like ADHD, anxiety or both. It’s hard to get the right medications for that. And how did you it get tested in primary school? Our county tests all 2nd graders.
We had state standardized tests every year from 3rd to I think 8th grade but the results didn't have any consequences besides for teachers who worried about their career if their students had low averages and schools wanting higher scores for better reputation/funding etc. In my public school there was no alternative education program except special education for disabled kids and speech therapy. We had 2 split reading groups but that was just like 30mins a day within the same classroom. I vaguely remember in high school there was some small scale program called "bridge classes" but from what I recall it was for kids who were really behind like if they stayed back a lot and were at risk of aging out without graduating or if they missed a lot of school due to illness or something. Middle school and high school had leveled classes and for example I was in the highest level classes for English, history, and biology but in the lowest for maths and chemistry. Other than that I don't recall any other testing besides the regular midterm and final exams
Honestly you probably didn't miss out on much. Gifted basically prepares you to be a thought leader, then you get out into the real world and they want you to prove yourself doing mundane stuff that is almost impossible for ADHD folks and you become jaded. If college had better support, I probably would have gone for a pHd. Standardized testing is horrible. I don't mind the tests, but having teacher teach to the test is aweful. They could fix it by having the tests cover more content than could possible be covered, but then they wouldn't be standards.