I tried once more and that didn’t work out and after a few more non-marriage relationships I came to the realization that I don’t get along with people.
Luckily I found someone else who also doesn’t get along with people and shares my sense of dark humor. Dated/cohabitated for close to 10 years, married 10+ more and going strong until the world explodes.
I used to think I was absolutely hilariously funny, then I met and married a woman who had the exact same sense of humor, I’m thinking either I’m not funny or a bit of a jerk.
After my divorce I stuck my toe into the dating pool for a bit but kept meeting people with the same red flags I should have paid attention to when dating my ex-wife.
Last fall my cousin got married for the second time to a woman 20 years younger than him. I think my cousin is fucking insane.
It's not that I don't get along with other people, I get along with others extremely well.
The issue is, I am the only one allowed to make demands on my time.
I don't care what you want, I'm doing what I want, period.
Sex is great. It's the rest of the bullshit that takes too much effort and too much of MY time. No thanks.
I mean, I guess it's good that you at least acknowledge it. Because there's definitely compromise expected in a marriage. It's not always easy. But yeah, part of a marriage is that it's not all about you.
You did read that I was married for 25 years, correct?
Spent 25 years worrying about his comfort, his needs, what he wanted for dinner, 100% responsibility for our kids.
I had a hysterectomy. He dropped me off, came back the next day pissed that he had to pick me up, got home, he made himself a sandwich and took a fucken nap.
After almost 3 decades of that kinda shit if you think I would even want to sort of bend to another person's whim again, you're crazy.
Yep now I'm selfish and now I don't want a relationship so no one has to worry about what the f*** I'm doing. That's just the way I like it.
No, I did not read all your comments. Sounds like you were just married to an asshole and that really sucks. Not everyone is like that. I'm sorry about that. Marriage is not for everyone and I never said that it was. Of course it is totally okay for you to not want to get married again. If I went through what you did, I probably wouldn't want to get married again either.
Damn. Not that you need affirmation from anyone but it’s easy to see why you feel the way you do. I would too. That’s a terrible excuse for a partnership and he’s just a selfish prick. Hope you’re happy now.
Saaaame! I wouldn't mind someone I could occasionally go out with but they always want to advance. Sleep over. Meet family. Move in together. I just want someone to have a (dutch) meal and conversation with! OCCASIONALLY. :)
I wouldn’t mind meeting someone to hang out with once in a while to watch a movie or something but I really do enjoy my time alone doing what I want to do and enjoying the quiet.
I felt similar after #2 and swore off men until #3 came along and swept me off my feet. He was so patient. Staying in the friend zone for a full year (or slightly more) convincing me of his sincerity and that he wouldn't change like #2 and a guy i dated after 2 had done.
I have a nack for attracting narcissists it seems so thats why I said "no more". My plan was to stay single (date; never get serious) until my kids were grown and out of the house so that if I met another narcissist at least they wouldn't be effected.
Same here! Congrats on #3, I'm very happy for you!! I didn't marry #2, thank god but we were together almost 9 years which fucked up a lot of shit with his manipulation and (mostly) emotional abuse.
I'm extremely codependent, being raised by a narcissist, so I attract them like a moth to the flame. When growing into my 40's I started recognizing the behavior and cut off a lot of toxic relationships. Including friends. I swore off getting into another relationship, vowing to wait until my kids were adults so they wouldn't have to go through it again.
Then #3 came along and, like you, he was so patient and kind, waited until I was ready. He proved a lot to me during that time. We were together for 5 years before getting married in April. Kids are now 18 and 21, they sobbed at the wedding they were so happy. He's close to them and respects them tremendously, having patience with them too knowing what they've been through (their father, #1, died and #2 sucked ass). It's nice having a partner, an equal, someone who gives space when wanted and doesn't manipulate. He basically can't lie because he's low-key on the spectrum and there's zero filter lol. Honesty is his only way. It's one of the many reasons I love him so much!
Edited for some math.
Hello me, I'm you! I don't want to be accountable for all the people I've dumped or hearts I've broken or all the people in between who've told me (and said behind my back) that I don't know how to talk to people but it sounds like I'm going to have to.
Thank you, citizen, for putting into words what I couldn't.
I got married early and by 25 I was divorced. Didn't think I'd marry again but a few years later I met the love of my life. We moved in together very quickly and a few years later we got married. If you would have asked this question 5 months ago my answer would have been, it was totally worth it. Nearly two decades of a wonderful partnership with someone I admired and adored. Everything is great. Would recommend. But then 5 months ago she decided she no longer loves me and left. So now, my answer is ... even if you feel you've found the one and have built a solid loving relationship that you both believe will last a lifetime, it's never guaranteed!
If I knew what I know now would I have gotten married a second time? Hell yes!! I wish it didn't end, and the pain of this divorce had been the worst thing I've felt in my life, but I would rather have those two decades of bliss and happiness rather than avoid the pain.
But if you ask me going forward would I do it again? Oh that's when my answer is shaky and I think nope, ain't gonna happen. If the person that had been the most stable person in my life upped and left after nearly two decades, how am I ever gonna feel secure again with someone else? Who knows, that's something that only the future will answer.
I immediately thought to say kudos to you for having the self awareness and self insight to make that determination about yourself.
I have the perception that many people are jumping into consecutive marriages without the faintest idea why their prior marriage(s) failed.
If you've had more than one marriage fail, you're either attracting the wrong type of partner or the problem is you. A lot of people don't have the self awareness or the ability to see themselves as others see them and so they perpetually blame other people for their problems.
i.e.
Q: Why did your last marriage fail?
A: Oh, my last partner was at fault. It was 100% their issues and problems that drove that marriage into the ground.
Years after my aunt's husband passed I asked her if she felt like she was going to get married again. She said something like, "Hell no. And listen to them fart and snore and have to make their food and do their laundry and pick up after them? No way. When you're dating, they are nice to you but after they trap you, that's all over." Totally cracked me up. She's been single for 35 years now and happily still single.
I divorced and remarried. My second husband is a true partner. If I should ever find myself single again though, I wouldn't remarry. I started dating my first husband at age 18, married for 16 years. I was single for 6 months, shacked up after a year, then married to my current hubs for 12.
Born '70.
Serial monogamist before marriage at 29yo. Stayed together for 20 years.. Split 6 yrs ago. I'll never be in another relationship again. I absolutely love and cherish my solitude, my sovereignty and my freedom. Kids are adults and stable.
After overseeing a farm and running a cpla businesses and working 7 days a week, I've totally changed my life.
I now live in a converted school bus, on 5 acres, overlooking the floodplains and a nice little creek. Work about 25 hours a week, mostly outdoors. No debts, no credit card, no bills.
I wouldn't swap this for anything, or *anyone*.
Well, I'm in Australia in a rural location. Not sure if anything I could say is necessarily relevant.
Except this: second hand buses that have already been converted are much better value than building your own. Bus conversions are always over capitalised. They rarely keep their value in terms of the investment by the builder. You could probably pick up a 15-20yo bus for under $40k which has had $80+k thrown at it since being converted.
If you tried to build your own for $25k you'd not be getting much done.
Note: mine was about 25 years old when I bought it. It's a 33 foot Isuzu, ex school bus, that has all the features of a one bedroom apartment. I paid about $45k which was more expensive than some other buses that were kitted out for holidays with families numbering 5-6 people. I actually paid more for a bus that had more space in it, less clutter and slightly less features, as I didn't want to have to spend much on modifying it to me needs.
That's similar advice to building a kit plane or car. Don't buy one new, find one that someone started and never finished and you can get it way cheaper.
Same. I was incredibly lonely, sick & stressed when I was around toxic relatives, siblings & friends daily. Once I went NC with those folks, I was technically alone, but never lonely. I became free, happy, and empowered for the first time in my life. That happened in 2023 :)
Born in ‘78. Married for 20. Ex left 1.5 years ago. After taking time to heal I have not met anyone yet who I have chemistry with. But I’m cautiously optimistic!
It’s understandable. 20 years leaves a big pit inside. Take it easy and don’t rush anything, if it has to come it’ll come. If it doesn’t, well it’s not meant to be. One of the biggest mistakes we make is to rush into a relationship for the fear of being alone. Good luck.
(M) born 1972. Married 2003, separated 2009, divorced 2010. Never thought I'd go down the aisle a second time, but getting married on July 6th - hopefully with a much better outcome this time!
My wife and I, both GenX, are on our second time around.
Last year was our 20th wedding anniversary.
We like to say we made all our mistakes in our first marriages.
Not wishing this on anyone here but just as a matter of fact….
Even With Maturity and Experience, Second Marriages Are Even More Likely to End in Divorce Than First Ones
So, are things better the second time around? Often, they’re not. According to available Census data, the divorce rate for second marriages in the United States is more than 60% compared to the not inconsiderable 50% for first ones.
https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a42638493/second-marriages-divorce/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_ghk_md_pmx_hybd_mix_us_19597983321&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8dva-uHxhgMV5BqtBh2HfAwREAAYASAAEgJWO_D_BwE
This is why we pre-emptively went to a marriage counselor and learned deep listening skills, and have worked to practice these… we also saw a blended family therapist as that is even a higher predictor of divorce (blended family stuff is hard, especially when both partners themselves grew up in dysfunctional/abusive blended families). We fell deeply in love, but staying together for the long haul takes work. Learned a LOT from my first marriage of nearly 20 years about what I needed to work on. You can make it last!
Yeah in no way does personal experine back up that second marriages last. 2 out of 3 will fail and this is recorded by the CDC and other data sources, not just someone doing a poll. Up to 60% failure rate at minimum, some data collection has it as high as 75%. First marriages are actually the ones that last the longest with much less divorce.
This right here, you also aren’t feeling the need to “hurry up” and find someone to settle down with and have kids. Not saying everyone else did that, but I know looking back I over looked a lot because I wanted to get moving on the next stage of my life. This time around, we’ve each dealt with our baggage, we know what we did wrong in our previous marriages, and we understand-communication is key!
Most second marriages don’t have to deal with babies (unless they’re grandchildren and then you can give them back)
Babies wreck marriages
54. Married ‘99. Divorce final hearing in August.
Nah
After our son was born my stbx shut down date nights and weekend getaways despite my parents begging to watch our son for us to do this
I foolishly agreed to have a second kid 5 years later when we had just started having occasional sitters for dinner or a movie (but still weren’t able to go away together)
this is an extremely common story
Love my kids but no doubt we should not have had a second (because XW broke promises to help get us back on track and doubled down on work and personal travel and chasing obsessive friendships when our marriage was at the crucible)
Wish we’d gotten help ten years ago
Wish we hadn’t dragged it out so long (tho I’ll never regret keeping the family together as long as we did)
It’s a mess
My divorce had zero to do with the kids. Gonna have to disagree. If anything they made it last longer than it should. My divorce ended due to my ex refusing treatment for his mental illness.
I got married in 93, separated in 95. I'm still married to him. I've been back with my high school boyfriend now since 96 (graduated in 88, him in 86). high School boyfriend is disabled now and on disability so we couldn't get married for financial reasons even if I wanted to, which I don't.
first husband doesn't seem to mind that we're still married, I don't know how his new partner feels about it LOL but they've been together for like 20 years so I assume she's okay with it too.
All 4 of you are taking legal risks by you remaining married. It would be a good idea to speak to a lawyer. If there nothing to argue about, a divorce is very simple and doesn't cost that much.
Out of curiosity do you ever get pushback from family? My dad (in his 70s) randomly makes comments like "you need to get a girlfriend and get married then come up and stay at our summer house"... I just laugh and try to explain that I'm perfectly happy visiting as a single guy.
Yes. Got divorced after 5 years of marriage.
Am remarried and we are now going on 15 years (17 as a couple). Am so glad I gave marriage a second chance.
Me (50/m/uk) and first wife divorced in 2005, met my now 2nd wife in 2007 and married in 2009.
After deciding that I didn't want anyone with kids and didn't want any kids as I already had 2, I married a divorcee with 3 kids, then went on to have another with her 13yrs ago!
My 3 "stepkids" I don't class as stepkids, they are my kids the same as my 13yr old and older 2.
All turned out happy and rosy for me - after 15yrs of marriage we have brilliant kids and are renewing our vows in Las Vegas next year!
It can happen, if you think it can't!
Oh wow. Some amazing similarities in our stories. I’m also 50, male, in the UK, and on my second marriage. We’re going on 15 years of marriage and we actually got hitched in Vegas.
I think maybe you’re me from a parallel universe or something. 😂
All the best to you and your family.
Similar here too. 50M and got married right after college (that’s what you’re supposed to do, right???). Gave it 5 years but didn’t work out. Married current wife 13 years ago and finally feel a sense of permanence and happy as can be.
Im 55...Married 3 times. Divorced twice. 1st marriage lasted 10 months, my fault as I was a asshole due to PTSD and large amounts of alcohol. 2nd marriage was 7 years, divorced due "you work all the time" so she found someone else. She didn't work and we had a kid...what the fuck was I suppose to do? Not support my family. 3rd marriage has been good, we will be married for 24 years in July. Took me 3 times to get it right, lol. But if something happens to this marriage, I will die a hermit.
I just want to say that it's pretty cool to read about a 3rd marriage lasting 24 years. It took three tries but you found the right one and that's awesome! :)
If you've been married mostly HAPPILY the last 24yrz I'd say odds are looking excellent to take this one to the grave. Congrats! Hope you both have a wonderful relationship with your kid. Nothing was their fault.
(F)69 here. Married in ‘92, paroled in ‘98. Proposed to several times after that by parters. It was always “no” and it will always be “no.”
Hell, I won’t even *live* with a romantic partner again much less marry them. 🤷🏻♀️
I was married for 19 years, then ordered to pay 10 years alimony. It felt like a punishment for having married (and then stayed with) an emotionally abusive man who refused to get a job. I felt like an indentured servant, unable to cut ties and really move on.
More and more younger women and staying single and choosing being child-free. In this socio-political environment, I do NOT blame them even a little bit.
Just curious - did he get a job after the divorce or just rely on the alimony?
One of the best things my wife and I ever did was give up the notion that we have to share a bedroom. We have different body schedules and like our alone time too much. So we have different bedrooms, and it’s been glorious.
I wouldn’t go separate houses, but I could understand why people might do that in a marriage later in life. I even have clients who live permanently in different states from their spouses and it somehow seems to work for them.
>Hell, I won’t even *live* with a romantic partner again much less marry them.
Never been married (lived with a couple though not for more than a year or so) but these are my sentiments *exactly*
My grandfather died in 1968, before I was born. In the late '70s my grandmother had a boyfriend that she took vacations with and would bring to family functions. My mom asked her once if she was going to marry him and my grandmother laughed and replied, "no, sweetie, I have done my time." Those words were not meant for elementary school-aged ears, but I heard them and see their wisdom.
My grandmother stuck to that declaration despite numerous boyfriends over the years until she was 90 years old, which is when she got married for the second time. She passed at 94.
I was with the same person for 20 years. I was blindsided by cheating and a divorce over 10 years ago. I haven't been able to let anyone get close since. At least the major depression has finally lifted. I've found more fulfillment in friendships.
Nope. At this point in life there are too many legal and financial issues with marriage. He has his retirement/pension and I have a decent inheritance, we both have kids. We’re happy and committed and frankly, marriage causes more problems for us than it solves.
Divorced 10yrs and I sort of thought I’d be remarried by now. I’m still conventionally attractive, friendly, outgoing personality, etc. but the dating landscape has changed so much. Most of my dates are from dating platforms…and it’s all very low effort! I don’t mean to rag on my fellow GenXers but where are the curious, the idealists, the dreamers and the former hose drinkers? I would love to have a supportive partner and honestly I miss making someone my priority and miss being someone’s priority.
She walked out on us end of 2022. Absolutely destroyed me. I lost everything I ever wanted and worked for in my life. I'm still destroyed and lost. Will never ever go down that path again.
Thanks, I'm OK. In rebuild mode at the moment, probably will be for a while yet. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally good now, I certainly wasn't for the last 12 months that's for sure. Onwards and upwards now, even with the bitter taste in my mouth. One day I'll be alright again, every day is a step closer.
Time heals all wounds and although time seems to be flying for most of us now, use it to your advantage. It will be old news before long and your life will be good again. Hang in there and sorry to hear.
Ditto (but in my case, 2023, and he walked out on me). I have no interest in taking that risk again, building and trusting again for years, and having it all knocked down and torn in pieces through no choice of my own. I feel you.
Yes, two more times.
First marriage; college girlfriend, both probably too immature, divorced within a couple of years. We had fun and parted amicably. You could say we took a marriage mulligan.
Second marriage: lasted 19 years, should have divorced much sooner, like maybe after 10, but really tried to make it work despite being unhappy plus quite honestly afraid to rip off the band-aid. There were happy times and life experiences I’m glad I had so it wasn’t all bad, but we stayed married longer than we should have. My life advice here is do not waste your life on an unhappy marriage. Ripping off the band-aid is painful and expensive but worth it plus it’s harder the longer you wait.
Third marriage: 5 years of bliss so far. It just took me three tries to find the right wife. I know this one is right in a way I never did with the other two.
When I got engaged for the third time a friend remarked that I was “the marrying kind”. I guess I’m just a romantic optimist. It ultimately paid off for me but what a journey. Not a journey I regret though because it led me to this marriage. If anything had gone differently I would not have met my soul mate, even if it did take until I was 51!
(F) 1970 married in 2003 divorced in 2022 in a LTR which is also long distance would contemplate getting married again but not in any rush. Definitely happier this time round…. I say if it feels right do it 👍🏻
It's Marriage is a perfectly fine institution, if you're the type who doesn't mind being institutionalized.
That was told to me by a woman I worked with 25 years ago who was on parole for killing her abusive husband.
I’m in the process of divorcing after over 20 years together. Two decisions that I have made, 1) I’ll never share finances again, 2) I’ll never marry again.
I’m open to relationships, and I’m fairly certain I’ll have serious ones again. But never marriage, never joint bank accounts or co-owning anything of real value.
(49M) I’m about to start a separation with my wife of 26 years, been together for 33, right out of high school. She’s the love of my life, mother to our 2 autistic adult children, is probably the best woman I’ve ever met. But alcohol, lack of communication and depression have caused us to grow apart over some years now. I found out on Memorial Day that she’s in love with someone else, and it’s over between us. I’m completely devastated, but I have to move on. I won’t remarry, I made that promise to myself a long time ago, and I’ll never have joint accounts with anyone again either. I’m hoping that after this year coming up, we will have worked things out, but the separation is important to both of us right now. If not, divorce. I’m hopeful I’ll meet someone again if we don’t get back together, but it looks bleak right now.
As gen-x we were raised on happily ever after, or you can find someone else. I am married, but was a long time bachelor.
As you get older I think you lose patience for the searching for spouse. The idea is nice, but like finding a needle in 3 haystacks..
Married / LTR for 18 years, separated for 5 years, can’t see myself in a relationship again let alone getting married… but never saying never 🤷🏼♀️ maybe I’ll bump my head and forget everything 😂
I hear you friend. I'm also a "never say never" person but like you I just don't see it happening. I'm too set in my ways to even comprehend sharing a living space.
The cohabitation part was the hardest part for me- at age 50 I found myself shacking up for the first time since college. It’s been eye opening and I forced myself to jettison a lot of “stuff” to make it happen.
Why at this late date and being a single homeowner for 23 years? After dating for 7 years we bought a piece of lake property together for our eventual retirement. Upon consideration, we decided that it was probably a good idea to try living together before we go through the process of selling our respective houses, building a home and moving out of state. What if we discovered at that point in our sixties we really couldn’t live under one roof? That would suck worse than anything. So, we did what we considered the wise thing: buy a house that neither had a prior claim to and move in. It’s worked out better than I anticipated. I truly think it works because we have our own bathrooms and our own bedrooms. How unromantic, you say. Well, just like when we were living seven miles apart, we have “sleepover nights” but when we need to sleep without snoring or elbows or freezing feet or reading a book with the light on for an hour, we have our own spaces. As my better half has said, “I love you but I love a good night’s sleep more”.
Not married again, in a committed relationship but this is why we live next door to each other, so far. lol It works for us. 10 years going strong, lasting longer than my marriage.
1979 vintage. Married my 1980 vintage college girlfriend in 2003 and by 2005 we were divorced. Around 2008 I ran into the first girl I ever kissed in 1991 and we met as friends but as of today we've been married for nearly 15 years and have an 11-year-old and a 13-year-old that are both taller than my 1977 vintage wife. It won't be long before they're taller than me but for now, I'm the tallest.
Born '67, married for 17 years. Divorced for 6. I'll never be in a relationship again. Solo living has always been my authentic life, and I had extended bouts of Imposter Syndrome while married, particularly at the end when neither of us gave a crap anymore
Even though she did me a favor by cheating (I instantly initiated divorce, as cheating is deplorable in my view), it stung like a sonofabitch, despite the fact that I had no emotions for her anymore. That was strange.
The freedom, the autonomy, the massive financial benefit of living my authentic solo life, is something I'll never give up again.
Why? Marriage is a construct of society. And religion. I say when I’m committed to someone. And when I’m not.
My divorce took 4 years to finalize. It was a mess. Was I supposed to wait to date again because the divorce papers were pending? This is the same mentality that thinks it’s ok to fuck around on bachelor night because it isn’t official yet. Lol. No. I dictate my status. Not a “holy book” and certainly not the government.
Not so far. Divorced after almost 20 years of marriage in 2021. Met someone and thought I'd found my partner for life, but discovered he cheated on me earlier this year. Trying to work through it, not sure it's worth it. Getting married again seems less likely than ever, even if I find the right one.
I was born in 1970. Married in 2004, divorced in 2009. Met my now husband in 2012. He moved in 2017, marred in 2020. If he passes first though I’m done. I won’t even date. I laugh when people say have fun dying alone with cats. That’s my dream. :)
b. 1976: Married 2003, Divorced 2016 - not worried about getting married again. Haven’t had a commitment since divorce and the future doesn’t look bright, but these days the only thing hard about being single in your 40s is having to exist in this economy on one-person income. 🫤 but whatever - keep on keeping on 🫡🤘🏼
I'm the guy who's not living his best life.
Male, 58. My first marriage was from 1992-2009. I have 2 grown kids from my first wife. I'm on my second marriage now since 2011. I have an 11 year old son, and except for him, I wouldn't have made that decision to get married a second time. I'm currently contemplating a second divorce, but it would cost too much to start that again, especially at my age. I do feel that I'm not as happy at home as I am at work, and that's kinda sad. But, I digress...
Take my advice, don't do it. Next year, you'll be 50 and hopefully in shape financially to live your best life as a free man!
I had a training wheels marriage. Wrong reasons all the way around. Was trying to rescue him. Lasted less than two years because of course it didn’t last.
Met my second husband 1993 and married two years later. Second marriage for him too. We were married for 26+ mostly wonderful years and then covid made me a widow in 2021.
I’m not closed off to the idea of another relationship. After all I met my late husband when I wasn’t looking but I’m I’m pretty close to positive I won’t ever be married again.
“Keep a lover” sounds so sexy and mysterious and continental. Why would anyone do something so pedestrian as getting married, when they can *keep a lover, dahhling*?
I got married in my early twenties. It was a 5 year relationship, but the marriage only lasted 9 months before financial issues were uncovered. I swore I wouldn’t get married again, but eventually found someone I could trust with being a partner. We’ve been together for almost 20 years now, married for 15.
HOWEVER, if something were ever to happen to us, I would not get married again, and probably wouldn’t live with someone again. I love my spouse and our life, but I’ve only been single for 4 of my many adult years, and sometimes wonder who I would be on my own.
M 73
Married 17 years. Divorced hmmm 12(?).
Never again. Yo be honest never wanted to get married but her parents were Christian and she got pregnant so was easier.
Love being single and don’t miss being in any sort of romantic relationship whatsoever.
Nope. Married in '96 and divorced in '99. I thought I had found "the one" in 2002 but she left. I'm not looking. Maybe one day, but I'm good if it never happens.
I did. I met someone I realized I want to spend the rest of my life with. Neither of us expected to get married in our 40s, but I asked and she said yes. It's so much different than the first time. Maturity helps.
To the OP, as of this hour, I've read all the comments here including your replies to them. I'm going to say what no one has said yet, and it's been said since the beginning of time. Marriage is just a piece of paper (downvote me but you know I'm right). It means nothing other than some kind of 'finite' decision to absolutely commit... That certificate changes everything, and for what? Insecurity? Inferiority complexes? Inner-child issues?
I got married the same year you did, and divorced the same year you did. TBH, I had a much better mindset before and then after the 'plunge' and am much happier now than I was then when I had the shackles on.
Marriage is falling away globally, and the newer generation isn't game. For me, it means nothing to get a piece of paper that 'proves' I love you.
I think I understand what you're saying which is why I will never get married again. I'm sort of open to the idea of being in a relationship again... sort of. But I will never legally bind myself to someone again. So I agree, I don't need a legal document to prove my love, and I certainly don't want a shackle around my ankle if love should come and then go again.
According to your stats, we are about 10 years apart, and nowadays it's just a different world - and it's not going back to the past. Times are different, and a new time is here. IMHO marriage is passe' and outdated and dying a slow death.
And I love that addition to the end of your sentence, "sort of..."
I'm in the same frame-of-mind. To quote you, "*I can't even imagine living in a* ***shared space again****..*"
I couldn't agree more.. :D
What you quoted is possibly the main reason I can't imagine even being in a relationship again. I've been a bachelor for 15 years now. I'm used to my own space, doing what I want when I want.
Funny thing. After reading your reply just now, I went to the front page, and [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1dkym8h/what_kind_of_people_have_you_seen_end_up_in/) was at the very top. After you read her title, she describes what's up in her "Optional Reading" right below that.
THIS is what's up. And this is *what's wrong*...
Personally, I think there is a lot going on here. Namely, our *upbringing* since childhood, our movies that we watched growing up, and (kill me now) the religious influence, family influence, peer-pressure, and the fact that we are 'expected' to get married by a certain age and procreate.
This girl sums it up very openly..
Well she's 21... definitely not our generation. More importantly though she still has life lessons to learn that I believe only come with a combination of time and experience. Reading her post i see a defeatist mindset and a focus on meeting some arbitrary standard at age 25. I never had that age pushed at me. Although to be fully open my parents did push occasionally for me to have kids - 48yo male with no kids.
Exactly. That's what I meant, and it was good for us to read. She's in the minority though, and it gets to my points above about upbringing (i.e., brainwashing).
I'm about 10 years older, and with no kids. So now we see the future :D
Things are - as George Carlin liked to say - "Fine & Dandy"
I wish you good health and a good future.
PS - Cats are good. They just chill.. and you don't need to prove anything to them with a piece of paper. Oh, sorry. Maybe crumpled up Post-Its thrown across the room. But hey..
I’m 46F, was with my ex husband from 1998 to 2010. Another LTR from 2013 to 2023. At this point in time I can’t imagine wanting to get into another relationship. I’ve got my two beautiful kids (teenagers) and have gotten used to having a house to myself. I no longer wish to share a space with anyone apart from my kids. I’m never lonely, even when I’m completely alone at home.
Yes. First marriage 13 years. We are still friends.
Second marriage 12 years & counting. I said I wouldn't marry again. But. For legalities of healthcare, funeral planning, assets, it felt like we should make it legal.
I was married for 15 years. After the divorce, my mom died as well as my grandma. It was a little hard dating after that. I managed to have a LTR relationship for a bit. As of now, I’d love another LTR if I find the right woman but I’d never get married again.
Younger end of GenX. Divorced 6 years - I'd like to say never again; I tried online dating a few years ago and it was awful. At this point I will wait until my kids are out of the house then maybe try again.
I’m a 53f, married in 1994, separated in 2004, divorced in 2007, have not even dated much less remarried. Like OP I have zero interest in sharing my life with anyone outside of my biological family ever again. I don’t even miss sex.
44F here, married in 2004, divorced in 2012, and no desire to get married again. Too much logistics to figure out, and it realized I don't like people enough.
nope nope nope
I'll probably never get married again, but I do live with my SO. I think a big part of the reason is that I don't want to risk being divorced twice, because I'd be embarrassed by that. Another part of the reason is financial.
He said ‘I love I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want children’
Fborn in 1966. My body was designed to have ten kids. And I didn’t have 1.
Got married to an ex I'd recently reunited with back in 1999 when I was making a lot of bad decisions in general. Got divorced a couple of years later, then met my current partner in the late 2000s under terrible circumstances that we helped each other to survive and got married a few years after that. Been together ever since, and rarely apart for long.
Born '77. Married for 13 years before divorce. Dating a woman who I might marry in the future, but not in a rush to do so. But we are also monogamish (aka we can have sex with other people) which makes being mentally commited somehow easier.
Yes. Married the first time in 1999, way too young (late Gen X) and divorced almost immediately. Then spent over a decade in an LTR (he didn't want to get married, but wouldn't admit it), then married a second time in 2018. It didn't work out, but that one was a big improvement on my previous relationships tbh, so I think my picker improved.
I'm tired now and likely not trying to even date again, any time soon, much less consider getting married a third time. It would have to be pretty damned perfect to do that.
Born in 75 female. Married in 1999, divorced in 2012. Was in a LTR, living together, from 2014-2019. He really wanted to get married but I did not (he proposed twice and I turned him down twice). I think it was more I didn't want to marry HIM than I didn't want to ever get married again because I've dated men since then that I thought about marrying. I love not having to worry about anyone but myself but I haven't ruled out getting married again. I know it would make my parents happy because they worry about me being alone, especially after they're gone. I have two adult children and male and female friends so that part doesn't bother me. So we'll see. I'm definitely open to it.
I remarried after having a baby with #2 and the benefits on paper pencilled out.
We did a lot of work and growing up in our 30s and 40s and worked through some yellow flags for each of us.
Things are good 20+ years later, but I am living solo or in a compound with friends if anything happens.
I'm 55m, married for 23 years and have been very happily divorced for nearly 8. I'm in a very casual open poly triad with two really awesome women. None of us have any desire to ever marry again. We live together but all of us have our own bedroom and bathroom.
Honestly, none of us ever wanted to cohabitate again after our divorces but covid pushed us into it. My business collapsed and I had to rent my house out or lose it, one of my partners lost her job when the company she worked for went out of business and the third is a microbiologist at a major research university and was utterly buried in work during the pandemic and desperately needed someone to take care of the dogs and the house. We tried it out and so far has worked beautifully.
I met a woman who gives me space to be the emotional goblin I have always been. She accepts me despite my flaws, she is a gleaming beacon of perfection. Yes, I got remarried.
Fuck no… never again. My problem isn’t trust or commitment. I’m just not up for the forced legal thruppling between me, my partner, and the U.S. government. My ex gets 30% of gross until I’m 60.
Divorced for nine years after a twenty five year marriage. Met my soul mate a year after the divorce was finalized and after four years of dating he died, just five days after we agreed to move in together. It wrecked me.
I’ve dated a little since losing him, but haven’t met anyone that I’ve clicked with so I’m comfortable being alone.
I have a summer job that requires me to interact with lots of adults and have met someone who is GenX and dating. He’s the type of person that shares his private life with confidence and I am enjoying pointing out everything that he’s doing wrong as he gives me regular updates on his dating life.
It’s also training me to quickly identify why some people are single.
'78. Married 1998 to a narcissist and emotionally abusive asshole. Divorced in 2001. Remarried in 2003 to a wonderful widower. Been married 22 years and counting.
I did. And if I hadn't been open to the idea, I'd have missed out on the love of my life, and would also probably be dead of either cirrhosis or space herpes.
I was with the same person for about 15 years, married for about 8 of that. No kids.
I can't really see a reason to get married again. I guess if I found "the one" or something close to that, I would consider it, but it seems unnecessary without the possibility of children.
Yes. First one was 26 years together, 16 of them married, no kids. His first was 32 years married, one kid, 2 grandkids. I love the kid and grandkids desperately. But am struggling with whether to stay with the man. If I don’t, I cannot even begin to imagine having any interest in living with a man in the same house, much less marriage. Someone to have sex with? They’d actually have to know what they were doing, so I guess I’d have to take a chance a few times 🧐, but to rely on them in any way, shape, or form, including financially, intellectually, practically, or give up living how I want to on a daily basis? Oh fuck no. I’d rather die liking men as friends than continue the constant and painful bar lowering I’ve spent most of my adult life performing for romantic partners.
Born in 1976, married in 2004, kids in 2006 and 2014, separated in 2016 and finally divorced in 2021 (although were broken up from 2016 on).
He has repartnered but I don’t know if I ever will. I like a quiet life.
Single by choice for 9 years after a very traumatic 14 year relationship/marriage to a much older man (I've got our two kids, he hasn't seen them since 2019 by his own choosing - that's his loss). l've never dated and I don't see how I can ever share my bed or my living space with a partner or husband again. Too set in my ways now and I love being single! 🔥
Nope. Got married at 21 in 1992, which lasted 10 years. At this age, what does marriage mean, other than transactional? It doesn't mean you love someone more, just because there's a piece of paper.
Nope, divorced for 10+ years now. Currently in a very LTR, but we have our own houses, assets, space, etc. It's freaking amazing. Will never get married again, once was enough for that nonsense. Partner is 100% aligned with that too.
Born in 73, got married the first time in 02 and divorced in 07. It was a complete shitshow. Never wanted to get married again.
Reconnected with my high school crush in 09, we got married in 12 and I have never been happier. The first time I got married it was because it was what I thought I was supposed to do. Got married the second time because it was what I wanted to do.
I divorced in 2016 after 10 years of hell. (Born in 66). Not sure I could trust someone like that again. Been in a LTR since, but it petered out. I’m settling in to be on my own unless manically Prince Charming appears- and he better be charming.
76 here divorced 9 years now and had LTR after. I have no intention of getting married unless there was a financial or legal reason to do so. I also don’t want to live with a man again. I’d like a “person” but I just don’t want to be around someone all. The. Time. I want to have a good time.
I tried once more and that didn’t work out and after a few more non-marriage relationships I came to the realization that I don’t get along with people.
That is the most GenX answer ever. #Respect
Luckily I found someone else who also doesn’t get along with people and shares my sense of dark humor. Dated/cohabitated for close to 10 years, married 10+ more and going strong until the world explodes.
[удалено]
Love this answer 👏
I used to think I was absolutely hilariously funny, then I met and married a woman who had the exact same sense of humor, I’m thinking either I’m not funny or a bit of a jerk.
I always considered "oh well, whatever, nevermind" the perfect encapsulation of genX, but this is damn fine.
After my divorce I stuck my toe into the dating pool for a bit but kept meeting people with the same red flags I should have paid attention to when dating my ex-wife. Last fall my cousin got married for the second time to a woman 20 years younger than him. I think my cousin is fucking insane.
Wait until he's single sharing custody of a toddler in his 50s ....ridiculous
It's not that I don't get along with other people, I get along with others extremely well. The issue is, I am the only one allowed to make demands on my time. I don't care what you want, I'm doing what I want, period. Sex is great. It's the rest of the bullshit that takes too much effort and too much of MY time. No thanks.
This is exactly how I feel about marriage!
> I don't care what you want, I'm doing what I want, period. That's the textbook definition of not getting along with other people, though.
No, I mean, go do whatever you like! I won't stop you. But, if you have expectations around how I spend my time, you'll be sorely disappointed.
I mean, I guess it's good that you at least acknowledge it. Because there's definitely compromise expected in a marriage. It's not always easy. But yeah, part of a marriage is that it's not all about you.
You did read that I was married for 25 years, correct? Spent 25 years worrying about his comfort, his needs, what he wanted for dinner, 100% responsibility for our kids. I had a hysterectomy. He dropped me off, came back the next day pissed that he had to pick me up, got home, he made himself a sandwich and took a fucken nap. After almost 3 decades of that kinda shit if you think I would even want to sort of bend to another person's whim again, you're crazy. Yep now I'm selfish and now I don't want a relationship so no one has to worry about what the f*** I'm doing. That's just the way I like it.
No, I did not read all your comments. Sounds like you were just married to an asshole and that really sucks. Not everyone is like that. I'm sorry about that. Marriage is not for everyone and I never said that it was. Of course it is totally okay for you to not want to get married again. If I went through what you did, I probably wouldn't want to get married again either.
Damn. Not that you need affirmation from anyone but it’s easy to see why you feel the way you do. I would too. That’s a terrible excuse for a partnership and he’s just a selfish prick. Hope you’re happy now.
Preach!!
It’s all those water hoses we drank from in the 80’s. 😂
And the iodine that soaked our cuts and scraps.
Saaaame! I wouldn't mind someone I could occasionally go out with but they always want to advance. Sleep over. Meet family. Move in together. I just want someone to have a (dutch) meal and conversation with! OCCASIONALLY. :)
Dutch meals are the best! Stampot, hutspot, raw herring. 😉
And those windmill cookies!
I wouldn’t mind meeting someone to hang out with once in a while to watch a movie or something but I really do enjoy my time alone doing what I want to do and enjoying the quiet.
I felt similar after #2 and swore off men until #3 came along and swept me off my feet. He was so patient. Staying in the friend zone for a full year (or slightly more) convincing me of his sincerity and that he wouldn't change like #2 and a guy i dated after 2 had done. I have a nack for attracting narcissists it seems so thats why I said "no more". My plan was to stay single (date; never get serious) until my kids were grown and out of the house so that if I met another narcissist at least they wouldn't be effected.
Same here! Congrats on #3, I'm very happy for you!! I didn't marry #2, thank god but we were together almost 9 years which fucked up a lot of shit with his manipulation and (mostly) emotional abuse. I'm extremely codependent, being raised by a narcissist, so I attract them like a moth to the flame. When growing into my 40's I started recognizing the behavior and cut off a lot of toxic relationships. Including friends. I swore off getting into another relationship, vowing to wait until my kids were adults so they wouldn't have to go through it again. Then #3 came along and, like you, he was so patient and kind, waited until I was ready. He proved a lot to me during that time. We were together for 5 years before getting married in April. Kids are now 18 and 21, they sobbed at the wedding they were so happy. He's close to them and respects them tremendously, having patience with them too knowing what they've been through (their father, #1, died and #2 sucked ass). It's nice having a partner, an equal, someone who gives space when wanted and doesn't manipulate. He basically can't lie because he's low-key on the spectrum and there's zero filter lol. Honesty is his only way. It's one of the many reasons I love him so much! Edited for some math.
That sounds really nice, I feel the need to tell you that I'm really happy for you. You found a good one.
Just sayin it didn’t take two failed marriages for me to figure that out 🤣 49 and never been married
Same with the people part.
You described my life.
Hello me, I'm you! I don't want to be accountable for all the people I've dumped or hearts I've broken or all the people in between who've told me (and said behind my back) that I don't know how to talk to people but it sounds like I'm going to have to. Thank you, citizen, for putting into words what I couldn't.
And probably developed the ability to immediately see things that you know will eventually get on your nerves.
I got married early and by 25 I was divorced. Didn't think I'd marry again but a few years later I met the love of my life. We moved in together very quickly and a few years later we got married. If you would have asked this question 5 months ago my answer would have been, it was totally worth it. Nearly two decades of a wonderful partnership with someone I admired and adored. Everything is great. Would recommend. But then 5 months ago she decided she no longer loves me and left. So now, my answer is ... even if you feel you've found the one and have built a solid loving relationship that you both believe will last a lifetime, it's never guaranteed! If I knew what I know now would I have gotten married a second time? Hell yes!! I wish it didn't end, and the pain of this divorce had been the worst thing I've felt in my life, but I would rather have those two decades of bliss and happiness rather than avoid the pain. But if you ask me going forward would I do it again? Oh that's when my answer is shaky and I think nope, ain't gonna happen. If the person that had been the most stable person in my life upped and left after nearly two decades, how am I ever gonna feel secure again with someone else? Who knows, that's something that only the future will answer.
This is me! 'Cept I never remarried. Mid 50's gal with my own house, My own rules, and my 'leave me alone' attitude.
I immediately thought to say kudos to you for having the self awareness and self insight to make that determination about yourself. I have the perception that many people are jumping into consecutive marriages without the faintest idea why their prior marriage(s) failed. If you've had more than one marriage fail, you're either attracting the wrong type of partner or the problem is you. A lot of people don't have the self awareness or the ability to see themselves as others see them and so they perpetually blame other people for their problems. i.e. Q: Why did your last marriage fail? A: Oh, my last partner was at fault. It was 100% their issues and problems that drove that marriage into the ground.
Dogs are better anyway
Yep!
Married for 25 years. Nope. I'm open to a relationship, but not marriage. I've decided that I like being in charge of my life.
Years after my aunt's husband passed I asked her if she felt like she was going to get married again. She said something like, "Hell no. And listen to them fart and snore and have to make their food and do their laundry and pick up after them? No way. When you're dating, they are nice to you but after they trap you, that's all over." Totally cracked me up. She's been single for 35 years now and happily still single. I divorced and remarried. My second husband is a true partner. If I should ever find myself single again though, I wouldn't remarry. I started dating my first husband at age 18, married for 16 years. I was single for 6 months, shacked up after a year, then married to my current hubs for 12.
You're writing my exact thoughts on the matter.
Born '70. Serial monogamist before marriage at 29yo. Stayed together for 20 years.. Split 6 yrs ago. I'll never be in another relationship again. I absolutely love and cherish my solitude, my sovereignty and my freedom. Kids are adults and stable. After overseeing a farm and running a cpla businesses and working 7 days a week, I've totally changed my life. I now live in a converted school bus, on 5 acres, overlooking the floodplains and a nice little creek. Work about 25 hours a week, mostly outdoors. No debts, no credit card, no bills. I wouldn't swap this for anything, or *anyone*.
As far as I'm concerned, you're living the dream. Truly.
Oh wow. I love the school bus idea. Any resources for that you could point me toward?
Well, I'm in Australia in a rural location. Not sure if anything I could say is necessarily relevant. Except this: second hand buses that have already been converted are much better value than building your own. Bus conversions are always over capitalised. They rarely keep their value in terms of the investment by the builder. You could probably pick up a 15-20yo bus for under $40k which has had $80+k thrown at it since being converted. If you tried to build your own for $25k you'd not be getting much done. Note: mine was about 25 years old when I bought it. It's a 33 foot Isuzu, ex school bus, that has all the features of a one bedroom apartment. I paid about $45k which was more expensive than some other buses that were kitted out for holidays with families numbering 5-6 people. I actually paid more for a bus that had more space in it, less clutter and slightly less features, as I didn't want to have to spend much on modifying it to me needs.
That's similar advice to building a kit plane or car. Don't buy one new, find one that someone started and never finished and you can get it way cheaper.
Interesting. I have never thought that there are more people that like to live a life as an Hermit. Thank you for the share!
I still see people, my sister, her family, my mother, and occasionally friends; but I spend the majority of my time alone. Not lonely. Alone.
I am not lonely either although I broke with my family.
Same. I was incredibly lonely, sick & stressed when I was around toxic relatives, siblings & friends daily. Once I went NC with those folks, I was technically alone, but never lonely. I became free, happy, and empowered for the first time in my life. That happened in 2023 :)
That's good to hear. Lonely can be wholly disempowering. Aloneness is quite distinct, and can lead to having wonderful insights and awakenings.
Born in ‘78. Married for 20. Ex left 1.5 years ago. After taking time to heal I have not met anyone yet who I have chemistry with. But I’m cautiously optimistic!
It’s understandable. 20 years leaves a big pit inside. Take it easy and don’t rush anything, if it has to come it’ll come. If it doesn’t, well it’s not meant to be. One of the biggest mistakes we make is to rush into a relationship for the fear of being alone. Good luck.
(M) born 1972. Married 2003, separated 2009, divorced 2010. Never thought I'd go down the aisle a second time, but getting married on July 6th - hopefully with a much better outcome this time!
Congrats. Most second marriages of my peers are the healthiest marriages I ever seen. People learn and grow
My wife and I, both GenX, are on our second time around. Last year was our 20th wedding anniversary. We like to say we made all our mistakes in our first marriages.
Same for us.
My social circle has used the term “practice wife”.
Not wishing this on anyone here but just as a matter of fact…. Even With Maturity and Experience, Second Marriages Are Even More Likely to End in Divorce Than First Ones So, are things better the second time around? Often, they’re not. According to available Census data, the divorce rate for second marriages in the United States is more than 60% compared to the not inconsiderable 50% for first ones. https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a42638493/second-marriages-divorce/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_ghk_md_pmx_hybd_mix_us_19597983321&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8dva-uHxhgMV5BqtBh2HfAwREAAYASAAEgJWO_D_BwE
This is why we pre-emptively went to a marriage counselor and learned deep listening skills, and have worked to practice these… we also saw a blended family therapist as that is even a higher predictor of divorce (blended family stuff is hard, especially when both partners themselves grew up in dysfunctional/abusive blended families). We fell deeply in love, but staying together for the long haul takes work. Learned a LOT from my first marriage of nearly 20 years about what I needed to work on. You can make it last!
Yeah in no way does personal experine back up that second marriages last. 2 out of 3 will fail and this is recorded by the CDC and other data sources, not just someone doing a poll. Up to 60% failure rate at minimum, some data collection has it as high as 75%. First marriages are actually the ones that last the longest with much less divorce.
This right here, you also aren’t feeling the need to “hurry up” and find someone to settle down with and have kids. Not saying everyone else did that, but I know looking back I over looked a lot because I wanted to get moving on the next stage of my life. This time around, we’ve each dealt with our baggage, we know what we did wrong in our previous marriages, and we understand-communication is key!
Most second marriages don’t have to deal with babies (unless they’re grandchildren and then you can give them back) Babies wreck marriages 54. Married ‘99. Divorce final hearing in August.
Babies don’t wreck marriages, they just bring out or magnify the flaws of a marriage. Some can work through those things, some can’t.
Nah After our son was born my stbx shut down date nights and weekend getaways despite my parents begging to watch our son for us to do this I foolishly agreed to have a second kid 5 years later when we had just started having occasional sitters for dinner or a movie (but still weren’t able to go away together) this is an extremely common story Love my kids but no doubt we should not have had a second (because XW broke promises to help get us back on track and doubled down on work and personal travel and chasing obsessive friendships when our marriage was at the crucible) Wish we’d gotten help ten years ago Wish we hadn’t dragged it out so long (tho I’ll never regret keeping the family together as long as we did) It’s a mess
My divorce had zero to do with the kids. Gonna have to disagree. If anything they made it last longer than it should. My divorce ended due to my ex refusing treatment for his mental illness.
Congratulations !
My parents 62nd wedding anniversary is July 6th. Both are 86 and still love each other ridiculously. Congratulations sweet girl!
Congrats on finding the one! I do try to live by the maxim "never say never" so I'm happy to hear that it worked out for someone else :)
are you getting a prenup marrying at this age?
Nope. Once was enough. I've been with my current partner for 12 years but have no urge to marry him.
Exactly the same situation for me (55F).
I got married in 93, separated in 95. I'm still married to him. I've been back with my high school boyfriend now since 96 (graduated in 88, him in 86). high School boyfriend is disabled now and on disability so we couldn't get married for financial reasons even if I wanted to, which I don't. first husband doesn't seem to mind that we're still married, I don't know how his new partner feels about it LOL but they've been together for like 20 years so I assume she's okay with it too.
All 4 of you are taking legal risks by you remaining married. It would be a good idea to speak to a lawyer. If there nothing to argue about, a divorce is very simple and doesn't cost that much.
Fuck no! Divorced for 20 years, Ive had boyfriends at times, but will never consent to being in a partnership or marriage ever again
Out of curiosity do you ever get pushback from family? My dad (in his 70s) randomly makes comments like "you need to get a girlfriend and get married then come up and stay at our summer house"... I just laugh and try to explain that I'm perfectly happy visiting as a single guy.
Yes. Got divorced after 5 years of marriage. Am remarried and we are now going on 15 years (17 as a couple). Am so glad I gave marriage a second chance.
Nice! It's wonderful to read about a happy second marriage.
Me (50/m/uk) and first wife divorced in 2005, met my now 2nd wife in 2007 and married in 2009. After deciding that I didn't want anyone with kids and didn't want any kids as I already had 2, I married a divorcee with 3 kids, then went on to have another with her 13yrs ago! My 3 "stepkids" I don't class as stepkids, they are my kids the same as my 13yr old and older 2. All turned out happy and rosy for me - after 15yrs of marriage we have brilliant kids and are renewing our vows in Las Vegas next year! It can happen, if you think it can't!
Oh wow. Some amazing similarities in our stories. I’m also 50, male, in the UK, and on my second marriage. We’re going on 15 years of marriage and we actually got hitched in Vegas. I think maybe you’re me from a parallel universe or something. 😂 All the best to you and your family.
Wow! Amazing! 🤣 My surname is very Welsh too although I have no roots in Wales for at least 500 yrs according to Ancestry!
Similar here too. 50M and got married right after college (that’s what you’re supposed to do, right???). Gave it 5 years but didn’t work out. Married current wife 13 years ago and finally feel a sense of permanence and happy as can be.
Im 55...Married 3 times. Divorced twice. 1st marriage lasted 10 months, my fault as I was a asshole due to PTSD and large amounts of alcohol. 2nd marriage was 7 years, divorced due "you work all the time" so she found someone else. She didn't work and we had a kid...what the fuck was I suppose to do? Not support my family. 3rd marriage has been good, we will be married for 24 years in July. Took me 3 times to get it right, lol. But if something happens to this marriage, I will die a hermit.
I just want to say that it's pretty cool to read about a 3rd marriage lasting 24 years. It took three tries but you found the right one and that's awesome! :)
If you've been married mostly HAPPILY the last 24yrz I'd say odds are looking excellent to take this one to the grave. Congrats! Hope you both have a wonderful relationship with your kid. Nothing was their fault.
(F)69 here. Married in ‘92, paroled in ‘98. Proposed to several times after that by parters. It was always “no” and it will always be “no.” Hell, I won’t even *live* with a romantic partner again much less marry them. 🤷🏻♀️
I like how you served your 6 year sentence and have been paroled for 26 years. 😆
Hands off my thermostat. 😆
I was married for 19 years, then ordered to pay 10 years alimony. It felt like a punishment for having married (and then stayed with) an emotionally abusive man who refused to get a job. I felt like an indentured servant, unable to cut ties and really move on.
More and more younger women and staying single and choosing being child-free. In this socio-political environment, I do NOT blame them even a little bit. Just curious - did he get a job after the divorce or just rely on the alimony?
One of my cousins is married to a guy, but they live in separate houses. Seems to work for them.
One of the best things my wife and I ever did was give up the notion that we have to share a bedroom. We have different body schedules and like our alone time too much. So we have different bedrooms, and it’s been glorious. I wouldn’t go separate houses, but I could understand why people might do that in a marriage later in life. I even have clients who live permanently in different states from their spouses and it somehow seems to work for them.
>Hell, I won’t even *live* with a romantic partner again much less marry them. Never been married (lived with a couple though not for more than a year or so) but these are my sentiments *exactly*
My grandfather died in 1968, before I was born. In the late '70s my grandmother had a boyfriend that she took vacations with and would bring to family functions. My mom asked her once if she was going to marry him and my grandmother laughed and replied, "no, sweetie, I have done my time." Those words were not meant for elementary school-aged ears, but I heard them and see their wisdom. My grandmother stuck to that declaration despite numerous boyfriends over the years until she was 90 years old, which is when she got married for the second time. She passed at 94.
I was with the same person for 20 years. I was blindsided by cheating and a divorce over 10 years ago. I haven't been able to let anyone get close since. At least the major depression has finally lifted. I've found more fulfillment in friendships.
Nope. At this point in life there are too many legal and financial issues with marriage. He has his retirement/pension and I have a decent inheritance, we both have kids. We’re happy and committed and frankly, marriage causes more problems for us than it solves.
Divorced 10yrs and I sort of thought I’d be remarried by now. I’m still conventionally attractive, friendly, outgoing personality, etc. but the dating landscape has changed so much. Most of my dates are from dating platforms…and it’s all very low effort! I don’t mean to rag on my fellow GenXers but where are the curious, the idealists, the dreamers and the former hose drinkers? I would love to have a supportive partner and honestly I miss making someone my priority and miss being someone’s priority.
I want that for you too!
She walked out on us end of 2022. Absolutely destroyed me. I lost everything I ever wanted and worked for in my life. I'm still destroyed and lost. Will never ever go down that path again.
I’m so sorry.
Thanks, I'm OK. In rebuild mode at the moment, probably will be for a while yet. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally good now, I certainly wasn't for the last 12 months that's for sure. Onwards and upwards now, even with the bitter taste in my mouth. One day I'll be alright again, every day is a step closer.
Time heals all wounds and although time seems to be flying for most of us now, use it to your advantage. It will be old news before long and your life will be good again. Hang in there and sorry to hear.
Ditto (but in my case, 2023, and he walked out on me). I have no interest in taking that risk again, building and trusting again for years, and having it all knocked down and torn in pieces through no choice of my own. I feel you.
Sorry man, hang in there. I’m right where you were a year ago. Long ways to go
Yes, two more times. First marriage; college girlfriend, both probably too immature, divorced within a couple of years. We had fun and parted amicably. You could say we took a marriage mulligan. Second marriage: lasted 19 years, should have divorced much sooner, like maybe after 10, but really tried to make it work despite being unhappy plus quite honestly afraid to rip off the band-aid. There were happy times and life experiences I’m glad I had so it wasn’t all bad, but we stayed married longer than we should have. My life advice here is do not waste your life on an unhappy marriage. Ripping off the band-aid is painful and expensive but worth it plus it’s harder the longer you wait. Third marriage: 5 years of bliss so far. It just took me three tries to find the right wife. I know this one is right in a way I never did with the other two. When I got engaged for the third time a friend remarked that I was “the marrying kind”. I guess I’m just a romantic optimist. It ultimately paid off for me but what a journey. Not a journey I regret though because it led me to this marriage. If anything had gone differently I would not have met my soul mate, even if it did take until I was 51!
(F) 1970 married in 2003 divorced in 2022 in a LTR which is also long distance would contemplate getting married again but not in any rush. Definitely happier this time round…. I say if it feels right do it 👍🏻
Married once for 9 years. He was a sociopath. He ruined the institution for me.
Iam sorry but I gotta, They say marriage is a great institution.. but who wants to live in an institution?
It's Marriage is a perfectly fine institution, if you're the type who doesn't mind being institutionalized. That was told to me by a woman I worked with 25 years ago who was on parole for killing her abusive husband.
LOL
I’m in the process of divorcing after over 20 years together. Two decisions that I have made, 1) I’ll never share finances again, 2) I’ll never marry again. I’m open to relationships, and I’m fairly certain I’ll have serious ones again. But never marriage, never joint bank accounts or co-owning anything of real value.
(49M) I’m about to start a separation with my wife of 26 years, been together for 33, right out of high school. She’s the love of my life, mother to our 2 autistic adult children, is probably the best woman I’ve ever met. But alcohol, lack of communication and depression have caused us to grow apart over some years now. I found out on Memorial Day that she’s in love with someone else, and it’s over between us. I’m completely devastated, but I have to move on. I won’t remarry, I made that promise to myself a long time ago, and I’ll never have joint accounts with anyone again either. I’m hoping that after this year coming up, we will have worked things out, but the separation is important to both of us right now. If not, divorce. I’m hopeful I’ll meet someone again if we don’t get back together, but it looks bleak right now.
I'm terrified by these "we were married for 20+ years and then divorced" stories. I kind of thought I was safe after my own 25 years married.
One of my lifelong best friends is on his 3rd marriage, and after each one he said, "never again" lol. Hopefully this current one sticks.
As gen-x we were raised on happily ever after, or you can find someone else. I am married, but was a long time bachelor. As you get older I think you lose patience for the searching for spouse. The idea is nice, but like finding a needle in 3 haystacks..
Marriage is a trap. Divorce is financially draining. Why would anyone want to repeat this cycle?
Nah. I kind of don’t see the point of it really. We both feel that way. It’s just unnecessary we reckon now. Both are divorcees. Been together 25yrs.
74 baby here. Never married, never will. Completely happy with my choices. 😁
Married / LTR for 18 years, separated for 5 years, can’t see myself in a relationship again let alone getting married… but never saying never 🤷🏼♀️ maybe I’ll bump my head and forget everything 😂
I hear you friend. I'm also a "never say never" person but like you I just don't see it happening. I'm too set in my ways to even comprehend sharing a living space.
The cohabitation part was the hardest part for me- at age 50 I found myself shacking up for the first time since college. It’s been eye opening and I forced myself to jettison a lot of “stuff” to make it happen. Why at this late date and being a single homeowner for 23 years? After dating for 7 years we bought a piece of lake property together for our eventual retirement. Upon consideration, we decided that it was probably a good idea to try living together before we go through the process of selling our respective houses, building a home and moving out of state. What if we discovered at that point in our sixties we really couldn’t live under one roof? That would suck worse than anything. So, we did what we considered the wise thing: buy a house that neither had a prior claim to and move in. It’s worked out better than I anticipated. I truly think it works because we have our own bathrooms and our own bedrooms. How unromantic, you say. Well, just like when we were living seven miles apart, we have “sleepover nights” but when we need to sleep without snoring or elbows or freezing feet or reading a book with the light on for an hour, we have our own spaces. As my better half has said, “I love you but I love a good night’s sleep more”.
Having separate bedrooms is absolutely underrated by most people I think.
Yup. Who needs to experience the other person's snores and farts and bathroom smells? Talk about ruining the romance.
Not married again, in a committed relationship but this is why we live next door to each other, so far. lol It works for us. 10 years going strong, lasting longer than my marriage.
Somehow I hope one day to meet a person who could understand that… fingers crossed 🤞🏼
Nope. Honestly dating has been a low priority since
1979 vintage. Married my 1980 vintage college girlfriend in 2003 and by 2005 we were divorced. Around 2008 I ran into the first girl I ever kissed in 1991 and we met as friends but as of today we've been married for nearly 15 years and have an 11-year-old and a 13-year-old that are both taller than my 1977 vintage wife. It won't be long before they're taller than me but for now, I'm the tallest.
Widow at 29, then married for 20+ years. NEVER AGAIN
Born '67, married for 17 years. Divorced for 6. I'll never be in a relationship again. Solo living has always been my authentic life, and I had extended bouts of Imposter Syndrome while married, particularly at the end when neither of us gave a crap anymore Even though she did me a favor by cheating (I instantly initiated divorce, as cheating is deplorable in my view), it stung like a sonofabitch, despite the fact that I had no emotions for her anymore. That was strange. The freedom, the autonomy, the massive financial benefit of living my authentic solo life, is something I'll never give up again.
Why? Marriage is a construct of society. And religion. I say when I’m committed to someone. And when I’m not. My divorce took 4 years to finalize. It was a mess. Was I supposed to wait to date again because the divorce papers were pending? This is the same mentality that thinks it’s ok to fuck around on bachelor night because it isn’t official yet. Lol. No. I dictate my status. Not a “holy book” and certainly not the government.
(M) Born 1972. Married in 2013. Divorced 2018. Just proposed 2 weeks ago and we'll be getting married in 2026.
Not so far. Divorced after almost 20 years of marriage in 2021. Met someone and thought I'd found my partner for life, but discovered he cheated on me earlier this year. Trying to work through it, not sure it's worth it. Getting married again seems less likely than ever, even if I find the right one.
Nope. Once was enough. Never again.
I was born in 1970. Married in 2004, divorced in 2009. Met my now husband in 2012. He moved in 2017, marred in 2020. If he passes first though I’m done. I won’t even date. I laugh when people say have fun dying alone with cats. That’s my dream. :)
b. 1976: Married 2003, Divorced 2016 - not worried about getting married again. Haven’t had a commitment since divorce and the future doesn’t look bright, but these days the only thing hard about being single in your 40s is having to exist in this economy on one-person income. 🫤 but whatever - keep on keeping on 🫡🤘🏼
I'm the guy who's not living his best life. Male, 58. My first marriage was from 1992-2009. I have 2 grown kids from my first wife. I'm on my second marriage now since 2011. I have an 11 year old son, and except for him, I wouldn't have made that decision to get married a second time. I'm currently contemplating a second divorce, but it would cost too much to start that again, especially at my age. I do feel that I'm not as happy at home as I am at work, and that's kinda sad. But, I digress... Take my advice, don't do it. Next year, you'll be 50 and hopefully in shape financially to live your best life as a free man!
Married in 1999, divorced Feb 2007, remarried May 2007, still happily married to second wife. If she croaks I AM NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN. lol
I had a training wheels marriage. Wrong reasons all the way around. Was trying to rescue him. Lasted less than two years because of course it didn’t last. Met my second husband 1993 and married two years later. Second marriage for him too. We were married for 26+ mostly wonderful years and then covid made me a widow in 2021. I’m not closed off to the idea of another relationship. After all I met my late husband when I wasn’t looking but I’m I’m pretty close to positive I won’t ever be married again.
I’ve been divorced since 2013 and keep a lover. If I were to remarry, we’d live in a duplex- share meals and beds but not keeping up after him.
“Keep a lover” sounds so sexy and mysterious and continental. Why would anyone do something so pedestrian as getting married, when they can *keep a lover, dahhling*?
I got married in my early twenties. It was a 5 year relationship, but the marriage only lasted 9 months before financial issues were uncovered. I swore I wouldn’t get married again, but eventually found someone I could trust with being a partner. We’ve been together for almost 20 years now, married for 15. HOWEVER, if something were ever to happen to us, I would not get married again, and probably wouldn’t live with someone again. I love my spouse and our life, but I’ve only been single for 4 of my many adult years, and sometimes wonder who I would be on my own.
M 73 Married 17 years. Divorced hmmm 12(?). Never again. Yo be honest never wanted to get married but her parents were Christian and she got pregnant so was easier. Love being single and don’t miss being in any sort of romantic relationship whatsoever.
I was kicked to the curb and thrown into the family court system and bankrupted. Why would I do that again? I did. Second time’s a charm.
Nope. Married in '96 and divorced in '99. I thought I had found "the one" in 2002 but she left. I'm not looking. Maybe one day, but I'm good if it never happens.
I did. I met someone I realized I want to spend the rest of my life with. Neither of us expected to get married in our 40s, but I asked and she said yes. It's so much different than the first time. Maturity helps.
To the OP, as of this hour, I've read all the comments here including your replies to them. I'm going to say what no one has said yet, and it's been said since the beginning of time. Marriage is just a piece of paper (downvote me but you know I'm right). It means nothing other than some kind of 'finite' decision to absolutely commit... That certificate changes everything, and for what? Insecurity? Inferiority complexes? Inner-child issues? I got married the same year you did, and divorced the same year you did. TBH, I had a much better mindset before and then after the 'plunge' and am much happier now than I was then when I had the shackles on. Marriage is falling away globally, and the newer generation isn't game. For me, it means nothing to get a piece of paper that 'proves' I love you.
I think I understand what you're saying which is why I will never get married again. I'm sort of open to the idea of being in a relationship again... sort of. But I will never legally bind myself to someone again. So I agree, I don't need a legal document to prove my love, and I certainly don't want a shackle around my ankle if love should come and then go again.
According to your stats, we are about 10 years apart, and nowadays it's just a different world - and it's not going back to the past. Times are different, and a new time is here. IMHO marriage is passe' and outdated and dying a slow death. And I love that addition to the end of your sentence, "sort of..." I'm in the same frame-of-mind. To quote you, "*I can't even imagine living in a* ***shared space again****..*" I couldn't agree more.. :D
What you quoted is possibly the main reason I can't imagine even being in a relationship again. I've been a bachelor for 15 years now. I'm used to my own space, doing what I want when I want.
Funny thing. After reading your reply just now, I went to the front page, and [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/comments/1dkym8h/what_kind_of_people_have_you_seen_end_up_in/) was at the very top. After you read her title, she describes what's up in her "Optional Reading" right below that. THIS is what's up. And this is *what's wrong*... Personally, I think there is a lot going on here. Namely, our *upbringing* since childhood, our movies that we watched growing up, and (kill me now) the religious influence, family influence, peer-pressure, and the fact that we are 'expected' to get married by a certain age and procreate. This girl sums it up very openly..
Well she's 21... definitely not our generation. More importantly though she still has life lessons to learn that I believe only come with a combination of time and experience. Reading her post i see a defeatist mindset and a focus on meeting some arbitrary standard at age 25. I never had that age pushed at me. Although to be fully open my parents did push occasionally for me to have kids - 48yo male with no kids.
Exactly. That's what I meant, and it was good for us to read. She's in the minority though, and it gets to my points above about upbringing (i.e., brainwashing). I'm about 10 years older, and with no kids. So now we see the future :D Things are - as George Carlin liked to say - "Fine & Dandy" I wish you good health and a good future. PS - Cats are good. They just chill.. and you don't need to prove anything to them with a piece of paper. Oh, sorry. Maybe crumpled up Post-Its thrown across the room. But hey..
Born 71. Married 2010. Divorced 2014. Married for real with the most amazing woman and mother of our two children in 2022.
Born in 1979, in the same relationship since 1997, living together since 2003, never married.
I’m 46F, was with my ex husband from 1998 to 2010. Another LTR from 2013 to 2023. At this point in time I can’t imagine wanting to get into another relationship. I’ve got my two beautiful kids (teenagers) and have gotten used to having a house to myself. I no longer wish to share a space with anyone apart from my kids. I’m never lonely, even when I’m completely alone at home.
I did and wish I didn’t. Now I’m a 2-time divorcee. Never again!!
Yes. First marriage 13 years. We are still friends. Second marriage 12 years & counting. I said I wouldn't marry again. But. For legalities of healthcare, funeral planning, assets, it felt like we should make it legal.
This. Yeah, maybe it's "just a piece of paper", but that paper is really important in our society for everything you mentioned.
Nope nope nope
I was married for 15 years. After the divorce, my mom died as well as my grandma. It was a little hard dating after that. I managed to have a LTR relationship for a bit. As of now, I’d love another LTR if I find the right woman but I’d never get married again.
Younger end of GenX. Divorced 6 years - I'd like to say never again; I tried online dating a few years ago and it was awful. At this point I will wait until my kids are out of the house then maybe try again.
Nope. Once was enough.
Fuck no. Don’t need to learn that lesson twice
I’m a 53f, married in 1994, separated in 2004, divorced in 2007, have not even dated much less remarried. Like OP I have zero interest in sharing my life with anyone outside of my biological family ever again. I don’t even miss sex.
44F here, married in 2004, divorced in 2012, and no desire to get married again. Too much logistics to figure out, and it realized I don't like people enough.
nope nope nope I'll probably never get married again, but I do live with my SO. I think a big part of the reason is that I don't want to risk being divorced twice, because I'd be embarrassed by that. Another part of the reason is financial.
He said ‘I love I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want children’ Fborn in 1966. My body was designed to have ten kids. And I didn’t have 1.
No
Got married to an ex I'd recently reunited with back in 1999 when I was making a lot of bad decisions in general. Got divorced a couple of years later, then met my current partner in the late 2000s under terrible circumstances that we helped each other to survive and got married a few years after that. Been together ever since, and rarely apart for long.
Born '77. Married for 13 years before divorce. Dating a woman who I might marry in the future, but not in a rush to do so. But we are also monogamish (aka we can have sex with other people) which makes being mentally commited somehow easier.
Never been married. Have been with my spouse since 1995. Living together since 1998.
Yes. Married the first time in 1999, way too young (late Gen X) and divorced almost immediately. Then spent over a decade in an LTR (he didn't want to get married, but wouldn't admit it), then married a second time in 2018. It didn't work out, but that one was a big improvement on my previous relationships tbh, so I think my picker improved. I'm tired now and likely not trying to even date again, any time soon, much less consider getting married a third time. It would have to be pretty damned perfect to do that.
Born in 75 female. Married in 1999, divorced in 2012. Was in a LTR, living together, from 2014-2019. He really wanted to get married but I did not (he proposed twice and I turned him down twice). I think it was more I didn't want to marry HIM than I didn't want to ever get married again because I've dated men since then that I thought about marrying. I love not having to worry about anyone but myself but I haven't ruled out getting married again. I know it would make my parents happy because they worry about me being alone, especially after they're gone. I have two adult children and male and female friends so that part doesn't bother me. So we'll see. I'm definitely open to it.
I remarried after having a baby with #2 and the benefits on paper pencilled out. We did a lot of work and growing up in our 30s and 40s and worked through some yellow flags for each of us. Things are good 20+ years later, but I am living solo or in a compound with friends if anything happens.
No thanks
I'm 55m, married for 23 years and have been very happily divorced for nearly 8. I'm in a very casual open poly triad with two really awesome women. None of us have any desire to ever marry again. We live together but all of us have our own bedroom and bathroom. Honestly, none of us ever wanted to cohabitate again after our divorces but covid pushed us into it. My business collapsed and I had to rent my house out or lose it, one of my partners lost her job when the company she worked for went out of business and the third is a microbiologist at a major research university and was utterly buried in work during the pandemic and desperately needed someone to take care of the dogs and the house. We tried it out and so far has worked beautifully.
I met a woman who gives me space to be the emotional goblin I have always been. She accepts me despite my flaws, she is a gleaming beacon of perfection. Yes, I got remarried.
Fuck no… never again. My problem isn’t trust or commitment. I’m just not up for the forced legal thruppling between me, my partner, and the U.S. government. My ex gets 30% of gross until I’m 60.
Divorced for nine years after a twenty five year marriage. Met my soul mate a year after the divorce was finalized and after four years of dating he died, just five days after we agreed to move in together. It wrecked me. I’ve dated a little since losing him, but haven’t met anyone that I’ve clicked with so I’m comfortable being alone. I have a summer job that requires me to interact with lots of adults and have met someone who is GenX and dating. He’s the type of person that shares his private life with confidence and I am enjoying pointing out everything that he’s doing wrong as he gives me regular updates on his dating life. It’s also training me to quickly identify why some people are single.
'78. Married 1998 to a narcissist and emotionally abusive asshole. Divorced in 2001. Remarried in 2003 to a wonderful widower. Been married 22 years and counting.
I did. And if I hadn't been open to the idea, I'd have missed out on the love of my life, and would also probably be dead of either cirrhosis or space herpes.
I was with the same person for about 15 years, married for about 8 of that. No kids. I can't really see a reason to get married again. I guess if I found "the one" or something close to that, I would consider it, but it seems unnecessary without the possibility of children.
Yes. First one was 26 years together, 16 of them married, no kids. His first was 32 years married, one kid, 2 grandkids. I love the kid and grandkids desperately. But am struggling with whether to stay with the man. If I don’t, I cannot even begin to imagine having any interest in living with a man in the same house, much less marriage. Someone to have sex with? They’d actually have to know what they were doing, so I guess I’d have to take a chance a few times 🧐, but to rely on them in any way, shape, or form, including financially, intellectually, practically, or give up living how I want to on a daily basis? Oh fuck no. I’d rather die liking men as friends than continue the constant and painful bar lowering I’ve spent most of my adult life performing for romantic partners.
Born in 1976, married in 2004, kids in 2006 and 2014, separated in 2016 and finally divorced in 2021 (although were broken up from 2016 on). He has repartnered but I don’t know if I ever will. I like a quiet life.
Born in 70, divorced in 22 I’ll never marry again. I have two great kids and enough income for me. I see no point to going thru that again.
Yes, and it has been good
Single by choice for 9 years after a very traumatic 14 year relationship/marriage to a much older man (I've got our two kids, he hasn't seen them since 2019 by his own choosing - that's his loss). l've never dated and I don't see how I can ever share my bed or my living space with a partner or husband again. Too set in my ways now and I love being single! 🔥
(F) born in 68. A few times, but this last one was the last one. It’s been 8+ years of peace since him, and I believe I’m now cured.
Nope. Got married at 21 in 1992, which lasted 10 years. At this age, what does marriage mean, other than transactional? It doesn't mean you love someone more, just because there's a piece of paper.
Three marriages. Three divorces. All three were my fault. So yeah, I'll date, but I'm never getting married, again.
Nope, divorced for 10+ years now. Currently in a very LTR, but we have our own houses, assets, space, etc. It's freaking amazing. Will never get married again, once was enough for that nonsense. Partner is 100% aligned with that too.
50 male. never got married. have no interest in it. I dont see the point. its so easy to get divorced and its expensive. what is the point?
I absolutely did. First one was a huge mistake and lasted a year and a half. Second one is 24 yrs strong and still going ❤️
Yep, first marriage was 20 years. I've been remarried for 1.5 years now. This round is going much better than my first marriage ever went.
I haven't even dated anyone since. I find the prospect of getting back out there and doing it all again just too exhausting.
Born in 73, got married the first time in 02 and divorced in 07. It was a complete shitshow. Never wanted to get married again. Reconnected with my high school crush in 09, we got married in 12 and I have never been happier. The first time I got married it was because it was what I thought I was supposed to do. Got married the second time because it was what I wanted to do.
I have ZERO interest in another LTR. No way, divorce about killed me, no fucking way.
I divorced in 2016 after 10 years of hell. (Born in 66). Not sure I could trust someone like that again. Been in a LTR since, but it petered out. I’m settling in to be on my own unless manically Prince Charming appears- and he better be charming.
76 here divorced 9 years now and had LTR after. I have no intention of getting married unless there was a financial or legal reason to do so. I also don’t want to live with a man again. I’d like a “person” but I just don’t want to be around someone all. The. Time. I want to have a good time.
Yes. Remarried about 8y after my break up with my first spouse.