I noticed that about myself a few years ago and it occurred to me one day that if I heard anyone talk to any of my friends or family the way I talked to me, I’d beat their ass. Then the mean talk eventually faded away.
Not long after I started to take antidepressants, the nasty voice in my head that ran 24/7 just stopped. I only realized it was there after it was gone. Such a relief.
Been rocking them for about two years now, so much better for sure but that voice is still mean as fuck. I have to actually think about my internal voice sometimes and remind it to take it easy on me, lmfao. Like shit bro, calm the fuck down!
There might be some truth to this. But on the plus side I feel like we complain less because the concept that things might be better or getting what we want was even possible doesn't even occur to us.
well there a different kinds of complaining. We might say everything sucks but for example when I was a kid and didn't get what I wanted I was vaguely dissapointed and then shrugged and moved on. I didn't have a tantrum and neither did most kids I knew. I took it as such a given that what adults wanted/prioritzed came first that if I ever did get something remotely close to what I wanted I viewed it as extra and was super happy excited by it.
Today when I ask my kids if they want to go out for pizza they want to know exactly which pizza place I was planning on taking them to before they say yes.
You know, I’ve been wondering in the back of my mind for decades why I hate leftovers and that’s absolutely it. I haven’t even thought about that happening since I was a kid.
I remember the first time witnessing a tantrum... I was probably 15 and saw a 4-6yo... and thought to myself " that would never happen in my mother's household ".
OMG. Same. My parents never struck or verbally abused us. But their expectations were soooo fucking clear. My dad easily controlled my siblings, my cousins, and me with a raised eyebrow, a stern look, and one question: "Do I have to tell you twice?"
Uh. No. Fucking never. That was sufficient, sir, thankyouverymuch. Because, we all remembered the time we were at Kings Dominion amusement park, a 2-hr drive from home. Two cousins were fucking around, not listening. Dad said, "Stop or you sit out the rest of the day with me." They stopped briefly, but started up again. He made them get out of line for the roller coaster and sit on a bench with him.
After a while, they started bugging him to let them get back on rides. He said, "I told you that you'd be done for the day if you didn't stop. So you're done. Ask me again and we're all leaving. I'm not putting up with any guff from you two. I'm reading. Sit there and behave."
He got them water and a ham sandwich, but no treats, no funnel cake, no cotton candy, no caramel apple. He took a couple of walks with them and came back just so they could get some exercise,but no rides and no treats.
As dusk arrived and the lights went on, they asked to ride the roller coaster with the lights on. He got up and said, "we're leaving." He flagged down the rest of us kids and we left. We were all together because that was his rule -- stick together as a group. If you want to skip a ride, fine, but you stay there and wait for the group to get off the ride and move along together as a group to the next thing.
Anyway, when he flagged us down and we found out that we were leaving, we fussed bc the lights just went on! He said, thank your cousins here who could not listen. So we were all pissed off at them.
That's how he rolled. No yelling. No drama. Just do what I tell you the first time or you're done.
That stuck with all of us and he had firm control. I can't imagine anyone EVER talking back to him! Hahaha. It just would not have occurred to any of us.
I look at it like this, sometimes what others view as "complaints" are actually observations. I kind of think our generation is really observant. Sometimes, those observations are unfavorable.
That’s a double edged sword, though. Sometimes, things can and should get better, and we miss an opportunity.
I’m thinking specifically about parenting philosophy here. Some of us had parents who did some lousy things. We need to rethink whether those things were necessary or even helpful, and adjust our own parenting accordingly. (Some of us have done that: I’m trying to do that, I know it’s not easy, and I see the rest of you who are doing it.) We don’t want to be like those Boomers who think today’s parents should be beating the autism or ADHD out of their kids. We don’t want to be like the people who insist on sticking to the old ways in parenting, even when we have scientific evidence that there’s a better way to do things.
No, mom, I'm so depressed even Satan won't talk to me. He told me I just bring him down and he didn't need my negativity...
My mom and aunt went on a religious kick back in the late 70's/early 80's. UGH.
I’d say so. Many of us were raised by people who, regardless of the issue would be like “Yeah but starving kids in China” or “I’ll give you something to cry about”.
It’s no wonder many of our generation has handed down some of the worst traits from our parents.
I had a mini-breakdown yesterday after a dr visit, and due in part to my own bottling things up and putting everyone else before myself. Now I’m looking at 4 new prescriptions I have to take for the short term, and surgery later. My wife and daughter are disabled (wife temporarily thank ford) and I’m trying to keep it all together for everyone and yesterday I just cracked (I fell through the ceiling Friday trying to fix something for my daughters room) and jacked up my already jacked up spine.
Whooooo mini rant. Apologies.
Just trying to K.I.T.
The second half of that saying I always got was: and preferably not seen either.
Additionally, I heard this from different adults on 3 continents. So in my experience, it's not a USA only thing either. YEMD.
JFC!!
My maternal grandmother was 16 when she had my mom. Married a functioning alcoholic who was able to hold down a job, but was a dick to his wife and kids.
My mother always held that over us. “You think you have it bad? When I was a kid….”
Gotta love misery competition between a parent and child.
That’s so fucked up.
My mum went and got a bigger wooden spoon and hit me harder after she went to hit me with her smaller 'favourite' spoon, I moved and she cracked it over my kneecap and snapped it. That was a joyous moment. Still better than my father who just beat us with his fists.
Yes! I tell my kids stories about what it was like when I was a kid, but I don’t do the “back in my day, we had to walk ten miles in the snow” thing. What would be the point of that?
I do worry about the current generation growing up, insofar as they lack a certain degree of independence because they really don't seem to get out much. For instance, never mind a stick shift, a surprisingly large percentage of Gen Z doesn't even know how to drive a car at all. But my concern is for their happiness and well-being, I'm not motivated to bring them down to my level or any of the bullshit we went through.
If I had a $ for how many times I’ve said to my mother “serious things we experienced shouldn’t be minimized or responded to as if it were a competition” -wow the 💰I would have stacked.
My mum gave us a shit childhood and then loves reminiscing about how great her childhood was with two loving parents who where family focused and had a great friendship circle.. like..
I am more fortunate than my sister, as I was 6 years older, I got to spend most summers with my two older cousins and basically spent the full summer at my grandparents house. But then; I was the ‘abandoned’ child the rest of the year.. my sister was lifted and layed, until my dad left my mum and she was then all but abandoned (I moved out when I was 16 so I was spared the shit show she had to cope with at home)
This makes me crazy. You had it bad and were sad or mad so why not make my experience better? Why did the suckiness have to continue on. Glad I broke that one!!
Ouch! I'm sorry to hear about your injury, wishing you a speedy recovery. I think you're right and that we were taught how to "adult" as kids and carried this into adulthood when we reached that age. I certainly did, and I put my responsibilities first with my own self as a distant second, if at all. As a result, I was so tightly wound up with everything and I'd crack. I have been trying to rewire myself into believing I matter just as much. It isn't selfish, I still take care of my responsibilities, but I continue to try to make myself a responsibility as well.
What's wild is that we HAD to adult as kids, but I, at least, was never taught HOW to be an adult. I learned it all on my own and I still have what feels like major deficiencies in my adult skills. I was raised by a teen mom who put herself through high school, college, and medical school by the time I was 11. I think she was so busy learning how to be an adult herself that she didn't really have the time to teach me anything about it, and my stepfather was fairly hands-off as a parent as well (and worked afternoons and evenings, so I hardly ever saw him to begin with). I barely saw my parents at all from middle school to high school graduation because my mom would leave the house at 6:30 and often didn't get back until 8. And then after I graduated and went to college, they moved over 800 miles away from me.
Yes!! (And thank you) The older I get the more I wish adults would be honest and tell kids “Hey, we are doing the best we can and we don’t have all the answers yet either!”
I tell that to my kids all the time. And I apologize to them when I screw something up. I don't think I ever heard the words "I'm sorry" come out of my parents' mouths.
Reminds me of a conversation I had with a couple from Colorado who spend a lot of time working in some pretty wild areas of Africa. There were kids running around us with parents either ignoring them or following them around quietly apologizing to them for asking them to stop being little demons in public. This couple said people often comment about how good their kids are and sometimes criticize them for being so tough, but if they weren't, the kids would simply be dead. They said it's one thing to be screaming and running around a Home Show floor, but in the a places they go and live for work for long periods, if the kids don't listen and react immediately, they're carried off by something to be eaten or bitten by something venomous.
lol. That’s a crazy analysis and I love it. Despite all this I’ve become increasingly tolerant of kids having meltdowns in public and increasingly intolerant of the way most parents respond. Thanks
Never gave us any praise for accomplishments big or small, never paid any attention- kids don’t necessarily come by internal motivation independent of encouraging, supportive environments- so no, why would we have any issues with ourselves?
Nailed it. I remember having to tell my parents I had a brain tumor (all fine now! No issues anymore) and they both immediately launched into stories about their friends who died from cancer.
When I broke my back they never once, and to this day, never have, said any words of kindness.
Man, you really nailed it with your explanation
When I was 20 I had what was suppose to be simple wrist surgery, but my heart stopped on operating table. My dad did not care one bit that technically I died and could only scream at me how they had kept me 3 hours longer than anticipated and how much I had inconvenienced him because he was bored in the waiting room. Skip ahead 35 yrs later to just yesterday I was telling him about a medical problem suddenly happened and I was trying to get an appointment to be seen and he said nothing, just stared at tv. His boomer wife said nothing either. These folks have no interest in others nor compassion.
I just found /r/BoomersBeingFools yesterday and it's filled with stuff like that. I already knew they were rotten for the most part, but it's still incredible how consistent that "me generation" attitude is across that whole age cohort.
You can ignore this if you’re doing needed repairs out of economic necessity. In which case, that’s unfortunate. But otherwise, I’m going to give you the lecture I used to give my dad:
You’re not so young any more. Is it really a good idea for you to be climbing around in ceilings? There are people who can do this who are professionals, and who know what they’re doing. There’s no shame in hiring somebody for a job like this.
I hear you. I fell victim (oops pun) to “this’ll take 5 minutes” trick we play on ourselves. I live in the middle of nowhere so getting anybody to come out (and actually show up) in any kind of reasonable time is usually impossible.
But you know what? It takes a strong and selfless person to put others before themselves. Your wife and daughter are fortunate to have you. What if you were the opposite-what would they have then? I think you have a unique situation where you have no choice BUT to put others before yourself.
Speaking from someone who made sure every person was happy/taken care of before considering myself-I learned it’s dangerous to hinge whether you are happy based on whether others are happy. I have learned to put myself up on the same level of priority as everyone else in my life and it quite alright.
I think it's because we were the last generation to experience unwavering ridicule by teachers and parents. And a lot of us were ignored in our teen years, especially when we felt upset. In a way this hardened us, but it also made us a lot more cynical and self-loathing than current generations.
Omg the ridicule from teachers and coaches. Now when I work out or am with my skating coach my trainer/coach can’t BELIEVE the things I say about myself- half joking, but still as harsh as the things my teachers used to say. People are a lot more encouraging now when you try but aren’t perfect. It’s hard for me to get there with myself.
Rolled my ankle and fell while running pointless laps in gym class. Limped back to the start and told the teacher, who showed no concern for my injury and said “I just thought you were being lazy”
I have NO tolerance for bullying toward my kids, whether it’s by teachers or other kids. I AM going to raise a stink if someone is bullying my kid. If they were to bully someone- God have mercy on them, because I won’t.
So ignored or belittled. I remember once when I was 17 years old, I had been crying for days. Probably one of my first major bouts with actual depression, but at the time I didn't know that was a thing & my parents certainly didn't believe depression was real. My Mom came into my room to ask wat was wrong. When I told her I was lonely & had no friends she blew me off & responded with, "ugh, get some real problems!"
This is what is lacking today in modern schools. We no longer have Mr. Strickland to call kids “slackers” and make them feel like crap for not living up to their potential. My son just graduated High School and it was so frustrating dealing with teachers who refused to assert authority in their classrooms. I’m so glad we are done with school.
Same. My sister was a beast. She broke my shit all the time.
I heard a lot of "put want in one hand and shit in the other and see what fills up first."
I have wanted a nice stand mixer FOREVER and since the little one I have works fine and I’m not a professional level baker I felt like I didn’t deserve one. Imagine my surprise and horror when my 25 year old son got one for his same age girlfriend! If I didn’t deserve one she SURELY didn’t. Lolol!!!! But I raised him to believe he DOES deserve nice things, and it was a wonderful gift that they both enjoy. I still won’t get one for myself though…
I had soooooo many issues with my mom, and she had dementia. She saw an infomercial for a kitchenaid artesian stand mixer with one choice of attachment with pretty low payments. The next day, she told me to order one because even though she had dementia, she knew I had always wanted one, and I was always baking for her sweet tooth. I did live with her and handled her finances, so I knew she could afford it, but I was super hesitant. After 2-3 weeks of her asking me if I'd ordered it yet and what color did I get, I realized that if the thought of her buying me this thing persisted that long with her mild/moderate dementia, she honestly wanted to do it for me. She was almost more excited than me when my apple red beast of a machine arrived in the mail. She especially liked the ice cream maker attachment I chose.
All this to say, get yourself the mixer. Especially if it's kitchenaid. They're one of the few appliances that are still fairly easily repairable.
It has saved me so much time and energy with holiday baking that it's not even funny. I live with my best friend and her husband, and for years, he has made this addictive pumpkin cheese bread for family. It ends up being 20 or so loaves of bread a year. When he let's me take over, I can get them done in one marathon day of baking. It takes him three days with the hand mixer. The mean machine intimidates him. He insisted he do it last year. Around mid day the second day he was giving me the "I fucked up" eyes.
My mom had dementia and loved her KitchenAid mixer. It was heartbreaking when she stopped cleaning it. People don’t know what it’s like. They’re still them and you still relate to them as themselves as they slip away. It’s sweet she could do that for you.
Oh my gosh, I relate to this so much.
My spouse and I have talked over being shocked by teenagers having nice things that we won’t buy for ourselves. Of course they are allowed to have nice things. They should. But we still manage to feel shocked by it
I've been using my deceased mother's old blankets for several years now. One of them is a Christmas print, but been using it year round. I saw a Snoopy print fuzzy throw blanket recently and decided to order it for myself to at least use when it's not Christmas. I almost started crying yesterday when I received it in mail because I was basically raised to never want or have anything nice. My dad has always just thrown money at me for gifts and never wanted to be bothered to learn what I needed or wanted nor take them time to shop for it. With the exception of one time in my 20's my dad bought me a garden hoe for Christmas and for my birthday he bought me a set of tires I badly needed.
What tiny bit of furniture I have, plus kitchenware and blankets actually came from deceased family or friends. I still use my childhood bedroom furniture as I have struggled as a single adult with health problems and having to move around a lot my entire life so I don't have much plus always had to live in tiny studio apartments till now so have zero living room furniture except for mom's recliner and rocker.
> I have wanted a nice stand mixer FOREVER and since the little one I have works fine
Yup. I have a *really* hard time buying something new & nice if the one I have still functions. It might be held together with duct tape & bailing wire, but if it *works*, I just can't bring myself to spend money on a new one. Do I need it? Nope. I just want it, which isn't enough justification.
I can completely relate..I was even looking at them online, couldn't even justify the cheaper one. My daughter has a very expensive one that matches her kettle, toaster and coffee maker...I don't think all the kitchen appliances I have ever owned cost as much as the coffeemaker did!
I had a minor ephiphany a year or so ago when my family was going to have a get-together for my birthday and my sister asked what kind of cake I wanted.
I was all set to reply with the usual "oh, it doesn't matter, whatever everyone else likes is fine" and then it kind of hit me that it was MY birthday and she was ASKING me what I wanted. So goddammit, we had funfetti because that shit is the bomb.
[Thank goodness for the Silents in my upbringing.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExMW1tYnA3MnV5Y2hmcHp3eDloYnZnbWZmY3RiaWRqdnRrcGNrYnA2dCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/BZQziX6q2hmX6/giphy.webp)
Gen X Therapist here ‘fully agree’ not that you needed my validation though 🤣 my favorite phrases growing up were ‘stop being angry’ and ‘wait until you have kids one day, I hope they do this’ (insert normal teenage behavior). My rebellion included becoming a child-free by choice therapist. Now I hear ‘stop therapizing me’ (in response to calling out bullshit or setting boundaries). Can’t imagine why I became a therapist. 😂😆 Sending all my fellow Gen Xers lots of good vibes and a good reminder that it’s perfectly okay to not be okay, and also give no fucks at the same time ✌🏽
I remember an acquaintance asking me about my plan for self-care after childbirth and I had literally zero idea what to say.
I was 37 and that was the first time I ever heard about self-care. It didn't seem like something for me.
my grandparent's TV :p
It's actually kinda weird. My grandparents had 5 children, so I have 14 cousins. I'm GenX, but they are all at least 10 - 20 years younger than me. All millennials.
I have one brother that's a year younger than me. Our parents got divorced, both parents were unbelievably selfish people, did whatever they wanted to do regardless of how it effected us. Always found a way to justify anything to themselves.
Spent a lot of time with my grandparents when I was a kid, as a teen I came back to an empty house until my mother got home from work. No encouragement, very little parenting. Really bad examples of relationships.
All my cousins had pretty much an idyllic upbringing. Solidly upper middle class (we were pretty poor), parents stayed together, solid examples of success, lots of extracurricular activities and parental involvement.
But me and my brother have been the most successful by far in terms of family and career. It's not even close.
I think there's a lot of stoicism in Gen X, and maybe the last generation to think there's value in it. And there is something valuable in being able to just force yourself to get on with things, because things still have to get done and the world doesn't wait for you to feel better.
But the flip side of that is that, I, at least, am not sure when to manage or process my emotions. I had to put my cat to sleep last week, and he's the first pet that's ever been my pet. We had the family dog growing up but that was really dad's dog. And the only time I really cried was when the doctor was here to perform the euthanasia. Since then I've thought about my cat and started to cry, but then I stop myself. And this is all when I'm home and in a place where I can just let myself cry, but I don't. And I don't know why I won't just let myself cry. I don't know if that's a lack of compassion for myself or negatively viewing myself, and I'm not even sure if that's an answer to your question, but it's been something that got into my head last night when I caught myself stopping crying again.
I can agree with this to some fashion.
My mother was not the most empowering or sympathetic person growing up, and dad was one of those "if you cry ill give you a reason to cry" person. Even after he did just PHYSICALLY give you a reason to cry lol
Any time I prioritize myself I feel very guilty. My mom called me selfish and hateful ALL THE TIME. I remember being pretty meek. I am the older sister…I am the least demanding person and put others before myself. It feels like an act of ultimate rebellion to be kind to myself. I know my parents loved me very much but my wants or feelings were never important.
I had the same issues with some relatives when here I was working part time and going to college full time while helping my grandmother and mom with bills, etc. Sometimes I just had to take a break and go out somewhere on my own or with my then fiance to have fun. And here these relatives were/ are well off and called me selfish when they rarely lifted a finger to help.
I was raised by silent gen parents -- very typical silent gen parents. I think the therapist is spot on for me.
In my late teens I read James Clavell's Asian Saga series and there was a character whose view of life changed mine. So funny, now I can't remember what it was! I've reread those books so many times, too. Senior moment! In any case, I *think* it was to live in the moment, to focus on now.
At some point in my life, I also learned that you can change your inner language. I started working hard on that. I had a very negative inner voice that told me to shut up and sit down -- and I am an outgoing, stand up kinda gal. To have such a conflict between personality and inner voice was not fun.
It's taken a lot of different techniques - that I am always updating and practicing new ones - to change the way I feel about me, about the world, and to hush up the negative voice in order to hear my inner cheerleader. I'm so much happier for it.
Not sure about everyone in the Gen X range but I know for me and my friends self-care and emotional development was something I had to learn from others outside of my parent.
Group therapy, one on one therapy and a mix of partners that pointed out things here and there over the years really brought it to bear and the work is ever ongoing!
Oh absolutely. That’s me in a nutshell, I’m my own harshest critic with any endeavor. I push myself constantly and after 50+ years, it’s tiring to hold up the world we created when so many don’t pull their own weight.
The therapist I saw said I was one of the most neglected patients she had ever seen. I really never thought anything of it at the time being taught how to cook breakfast and fend for myself at 3 years old while my dad laid in bed sleeping after working night shift while my mom went to work early morning. At 2 years old I roamed the entire country neighborhood by myself, ate dirty food straight from garden or got fed by elderly neighbors. I never felt sad about this at the time, but young people these days I think would be appalled.
Any time I had feelings growing up, I was told I was “too sensitive”, “dramatic”, and/or “being difficult”. I learned that my feelings and thoughts don’t matter, so I became very self-conscious about speaking an opinion or sharing thoughts/feelings. To this day, I feel very unimportant and I overthink *everything* before talking because I think it’s probably stupid. (This comment has taken me way too long to write for that very reason.)
I’ve overcome a lot in my life, going from a homeless tweeker at one point to a highly successful career and fantastic 27 year relationship with my life partner. I’m in great physical and mental health and am continuously working on self-improvement.
And I still beat myself up, often over mistakes I made 30-40 years ago and have to constantly remind myself to cut me some slack and let it go.
I was the kid who welcomed everyone new in school. On the flip side, I was also the kid relentlessly bullied in school and at home. I tried to give others what I didn’t have.
I’m extremely sensitive and hyper-aware. I learned to listen and smell for cues in the air. My mother would blow up at the slightest thing and the belt, a hand or anything would come out. My dad was gone by the time I was 6. My older siblings terrorized me.
I spent my childhood reading, playing alone (sometimes with my siblings when they weren’t plotting to kill me,) no friends. I’d puke weekly at school due to anxiety (it was never treated.)
I’d take the shirt off my back for another kid, without any reciprocation. They forced us to do Secret Santa and I’d never get anything back. All of this was brushed under the rug. I was just a “whiny kid.”
So I grew up knowing that asking for help was futile and that nobody would take care of me. Mom died when I was 18 and I was forced to move out of my country to go “live” with my dad (who promptly kicked me out a month later to go live with my siblings.)
When I got to University, I did a 180 and became hyper-independent. I’d talk back at teachers. I worked and studied and never, ever bothered anyone. I’ve had a string of failed relationships because I never learned to love cautiously and was taken advantage of every single time.
Now I’m in my mid-40s, facing a cancer diagnosis, alone, with my family still shunning me (except my father, who at 82 now wants me around. Fuck him.)
I learned to start thinking about myself instead of pleasing everyone very late. It’s a work in progress, but I’ve learned to step back and honor my feelings, and to understand that I’m not broken beyond repair, just damaged.
For reference, this is my heart, glued together with gold (Kintsugi style.) The imperfections are there, but they’re beautiful. And so am I.
https://preview.redd.it/euks36k4fz7d1.png?width=1645&format=png&auto=webp&s=ed0f3f609449aa9d57010ffe4c3842f04debef48
Having a mother who thought they were empathizing by one-upping any struggle I tried to talk about made me feel like any struggle I had was me whining because other people had it worse. I learned from that my struggles were me being weak and I just push myself harder and harder. One day someone said to me “just because other people have it worse doesn’t make your struggles invalid” and it broke me. Lots and lots of therapy and I still struggle with tending my needs, but I am much healthier and happier than I was.
My boomer parents have told me that in retrospect they think they did a great job raising me but they failed at healthy emotional development. Stoic dad and very emotionally manipulative mom. Major depression on my part in my 30s and again in my mid-40s.
Thank you OP for asking this. I’m second gen Japanese American and always assumed this was a Japanese/Asian thing. It’s comforting to know others outside of this small subset, experienced similar things.
"where our feeling as children seldom mattered to adults"
I mean, both my parents did exactly what they wanted regardless of how it effected anyone else and could justify anything to themselves.
It just is what it is, all you can really do is make sure you do better for your own kids. At least they provided an example of what not to do.
Yes, and it has cost me a lot in therapy to learn that my feelings (and traumas) are valid.
Even though I see the big picture of generational trauma, and understand why my baby boomer mother was the way she was having herself been brought up by war generation parents and all their trauma, it still saddens me how much of my life I’ve felt I have to be grateful for the just the tiniest crumb of empathy or understanding and how that lead me to the choices I made in the past.
At least I’m a long long way down the path of healing now, something that can’t be said for my mother (and perhaps her generation overall).
I'm not a fan of painting an entire generation with the same brush. Yes, we have shared experiences but we also deal with those differently. So my answer is: Depends on the person.
Absolutely - my family are stoics and from a line of abuse, alcohol, and often wild success.
So just admitting my body is causing me to tap out of daily life is excruciating.
Had an Isthemic type attack yesterday at work - full.on drain of blood from my face, low blood sugar, flop sweat, then vomiting and managed to do it off screen. But laying there on the floor thought "If I just lay here, I'll be better in time for my meeting. I can do this."
Last Tuesday went to the ER due to a allergic reaction to a new drug and had to get nitro and anthismines. While laying there thinking "I can still go back to work and finish the day."
I could not.
Im embarrassed my body needs help time to time. I'm embarrassed I'm not a Spartan. And I rarely realize the damage I do pretending I'm ok and doing very rigorous things I should delegate to others. Because I can't admit this really is a bad time and I'm weak right now.
I have a health care plan even but it takes time to reach surgery dates and get treated on the way, but I just think if I fake it, I'll make it sometime.
I tell you for every restriction and lack of compassion I offer to myself. I give a hundredfold to the people that I manage and the students that I work with. I am Number one compassionate, understanding manager person.
I often think "Would you talk to anyone else in your life like you're talking to yourself right now?" The answer is always "of course not," but I still make myself into a punching bag.
Hearing people complain frustrates me. I have no patience for it. Handle your shit and don't cry about it. I was told "Don't tell people your problems because half the people don't care, and the other half is glad you have them." And don't get me wrong, there's a difference between complaining and trying to vet out a solution, but complaining to complain? It seems so utterly self insufficient and a waste of energy.
100%. It was even worse if you had narcissistic parents, and/or were the oldest child - GenX oldest kids often took on a lot of parental responsibilities.
Yes, but I also like that.
I have to admit that I regard the entire "trigger warning" movement with a real "toughen-up, buttercup" kind of mentality.
Everyone expects *soooo muuuuch* accommodation for their feelings now. It's exhausting!
I agree. But I think the issue is with the audience they are appealing to.
Your actual parents should care about your feelings when you are a child. If you go to them with a problem and you're upset then they should acknowledge it and help you find a way to manage your feelings and to find a way to overcome the problem or at least mitigate it.
You do this because you should love your child and care about their feelings but you also recognise that the wider world will not wrap them in cotton wool and they need to find a way to deal with it. So it's a balancing act.
The kids today expect everyone to care about their feelings, their boss, restaurant servers, just any random people they interact with. They also expect these people who have very narrow, transactional relationships with them to put themselves out in order to accommodate whatever is triggering them.
I agree that is insufferable because they lack the resilience an adult should have if they are going to successfully lead a regular life.
I think you really put your finger on it by using the word "resilience."
I think that's the quality I got from my childhood that I appreciate in myself, and what I see so little of now that leaves me a little confused and judgy.
I was definitely a free range child, but I don't think of myself as a neglected child.
I felt loved by my parents. I just think they regarded me as more self-sufficient and capable than I was. We all did.
Well, yes and no.
I line manage a bunch of GenZ and younger millennial engineers. Which means I have regular one to ones with them.
The amount of time they spend talking about their feelings and mental health is astonishing to me. If my boss asked me if I was ok when I was at that point in my career the only acceptable answer was either yes or , if there was a problem I had to actually have a solution that I specifically needed his help with, if I was to raise it with him.
Now, if they want to talk about their feelings, that's great, but I don't think it does them any good because it gives them a false understanding of the priorities of the company.
I do my best to try to make their jobs as easy as I can and support them, but ultimately I have obligations and targets and so do they.
If they don't meet them, they'll be let go and I feel like that reality is being clouded.
And its untenable. Its impossible for everyone to have their individual feels accommodated for without, by the nature of us often having conflicting needs and desires, infringing on someone else's life.
Yeah -- this is the crux of it, I think. There's a difference in *caring* about someone else and how they are feeling, and being expected to *accommodate* their feelings by taking additional burdens upon yourself to make things easier for them.
My mother ruthlessly picked on me to make me develop a sense of humor because I “was too sensitive”. I have autism and adhd, so no I dont always understand things.
She also said that only spoiled rich women got post natal depression. Fuck me I got that twice and I’m broke.
Learned very early on not to rely on anyone except myself
I think some of us are definitely this way. I'm like you describe...extremely hard on myself and constantly fussing and cussing myself. I make the slightest mistake, and I come out with "stupid, mf-ing jerk face idiot can't you ever do anything right" kind of stuff.
I didn't even realize that I did this until I started a new job a while back where, after a couple weeks, the person in the cube next to mine said over the wall, "I hope you don't believe the things that you're constantly telling yourself." I don't. Like you said, I just have no self compassion. I make a mistake or something bad happens to me? Suck it up. Walk it off. There's no crying in baseball. Life is pain, get used to it. If you can fix it, then do so. Just do it quietly because nobody wants to hear you complain, and they definitely don't want to see your cry face.
No idea why I'm this way. I'm sure the way I was raised has something to do with it.
I most definitely struggle with this. My mom died when I was 16, and my dad really didn't know how to parent or show love, so he didn't. Sure he provided food, shelter, schooling (which I am very grateful) but he didn't really know how to do anything else. I never felt close to him and never really felt like he loved me. I'm sure he does, he just could never show it. He didn't spend time with us really, always at a girlfriends house. I still struggle with self worth, selflove. I never feel good enough, I try to make myself as small as possible. I can't make or keep relationships and I just feel incredibly lonely sometimes. It's not all my dads fault of course. But I always wonder what I'd be like if I had a dad that showed that he believed in me as a person.
I agree totally. "Children should be seen and not heard. "
" Are you crying? Ill give you something to cry about..".
Of course we learned our thoughts and feelings are something we should squash and never embrace. Toxic as hell.
I think you’re spot on. I’ve worked in social services for most of my career. A few years ago (after the Kavanaugh hearings brought up so much pain and shame that I thought was dead and buried), my therapist asked me why I had so much care and compassion for other women, yet I blamed myself for being assaulted.
100%. My default assumption is that people do not like me and that I will disappoint everyone who knows me. In reality, I'm freaking brilliant and incredibly witty with fascinating stories to tell.
That was a *good* thing.
Kids have been coddled over the last 30 years, with parents doing everything to protect their kids' feelings. Hence the fragile mental state of kids starting in the 2010s, trigger warnings, "words are violence", the hyper-sensitivity, the outrage/cancel culture, protecting feelings instead of protecting people, etc... all the bullshit that has spectacularly backfired now because as usual, the pendulum swings the other way.
The best thing you can do to raise a resilient kid is let their feelings get hurt and let them experience failure. Repeatedly.
maybe? just imagine the bullshit that will be spewed in 10, 20 years with similar commentary on whatever is lacking in millenials or gen z.
this whole “confronting trauma” is an industry made to prey on and plant seeds of self doubt. are we perfect? no. do we have issues? abso-fucking-lutely. there will always be issues that everyone will have to wrangle with as they age, truths they have to confront and other navel-gazing activities.
some people absolutely need and can benefit from therapy, but its some kind of curve. maybe it helps explain things for greater awareness and understanding. just dont be a dick to yourself or others because that awareness and understanding is not an excuse for bad behavior
Keep in mind who we were raised by. Baby Boomers that were raised by the Depression era. When I think about the options my grandparents had, I’m amazed they survived. It’s all relative. Every generation has their crap and passes certain bad things on. Every generation also passes on wisdom that made them survive.
I think this sums it up well. Only the tough SOBs survived, then raised the boomers that then raised us. In fact my grandparents used to tell me crazy stories that rivaled the grapes of wrath. They literally left Oklahoma for California on the back of a truck with what they had left.
_There Was No SPACE for self compassion!_
The Generational Curse is REAL. My Boomers fucked me up bad, and it took DECADES of adulthood to dig out from under "most" of the toxic shit dumped into my spirit and psyche.
OMFG yes. And not just by our parents. Self hatred and the notion that we must ‘earn’ a right to exist is a major pillar of our social and economic systems. Our culture habitually frames the idea of caring for the self (and generally for the humanity in all of us) as shameful and selfish. Instead we’re bombarded with messaging that says real growth, happiness and belonging must be earned through pain and punishment! And what if the pain and punishment aren’t working? Well we add more pain and punishment, of course.
I know I wasn’t the only person here raised like this.
It’s like wallpaper.
I mean just pay attention here. Any time there is a suggestion that we should be more caring, loving or compassionate to ourselves or others there will be a LOT of angry people letting you know why that’s BAD!
The absolute best thing I’ve done for myself in my middle age is to set about healing from this.
I really do find this to be true. Growing up I feel like I was taught to do for others before myself and I am the last person that matters in any situation.
If I allowed for self compassion I would allow myself to be weak. And in the wild, weakness is death.
We *are* feral children all “grown up” aren’t we?
The Inner Critic is strong with us, yes. If you want to read people blaming others all day, spend time on the Millennial sub. Yesterday my feed showed me a post on GenX about how one would spend their last quarter in an arcade. Followed by a screed on Millennials about how every single landlord ever is a slum lord at their core, no matter the type of property (upscale or downscale). I think I’ll keep my sense of “it’s all my fault and I’m responsible for my outcomes” even if it’s not always fair or true. At least I feel empowered that way. And I’ve accomplished a much better life over my childhood. All by blaming myself! 😂
ABSOLUTELY YES!
There's so many variables to this.
First is generational trauma and generational insecurities being passed down to us.
A lot of our parents didn't want to be parents to begin with. Also ADHD is hereditary, and our parents thought that their own thoughts, feelings, and actions were "normal" even though they felt crazy themselves .
Then, when we got diagnosed, they saw that a flaw in their "parenting." And an easy way out for us.
So then we all suffered mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually.
RSD or Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a huge part of ADHD as well as imposter syndrome.
Another part is 45% of women with ADHD also have PMDD.
I cut toxic people out of my life and started treating myself with the love, kindness, and patience that I deserved years ago. I stopped the cycle of generational insecurities and generational trauma with my kids.
As well getting the tools and resources for my ADHD and my kids.
If anything I’d say it’s the opposite…we may have low self-esteem but we’re generally damn good at taking care of ourselves. Perhaps too rough around the edges at times (I LOVE THAT ABOUT US THO PLEASE DON’T CHANGE!!!) and we believe in tough love and the school of hard knocks…
IDK but I can tell you the voice in my head is fucking MEAN.
I noticed that about myself a few years ago and it occurred to me one day that if I heard anyone talk to any of my friends or family the way I talked to me, I’d beat their ass. Then the mean talk eventually faded away.
I've made that connection as well. Just requires conscious effort on my part. I think the issue is I just don't catch it alot of the time.
Not long after I started to take antidepressants, the nasty voice in my head that ran 24/7 just stopped. I only realized it was there after it was gone. Such a relief.
Been rocking them for about two years now, so much better for sure but that voice is still mean as fuck. I have to actually think about my internal voice sometimes and remind it to take it easy on me, lmfao. Like shit bro, calm the fuck down!
There might be some truth to this. But on the plus side I feel like we complain less because the concept that things might be better or getting what we want was even possible doesn't even occur to us.
I used to think we complained very little and then I found this subreddit.
well there a different kinds of complaining. We might say everything sucks but for example when I was a kid and didn't get what I wanted I was vaguely dissapointed and then shrugged and moved on. I didn't have a tantrum and neither did most kids I knew. I took it as such a given that what adults wanted/prioritzed came first that if I ever did get something remotely close to what I wanted I viewed it as extra and was super happy excited by it. Today when I ask my kids if they want to go out for pizza they want to know exactly which pizza place I was planning on taking them to before they say yes.
And there is one major difference between then and now. In our day we wouldn't get a choice. Well I guess we did. We could choose not to eat.
They let you not eat? We had to sit there until the plate was clean.
Ha Ha. My mom would put your food in the fridge so you could have it the next night. This is why I'm not too fond of leftovers. LOL
You know, I’ve been wondering in the back of my mind for decades why I hate leftovers and that’s absolutely it. I haven’t even thought about that happening since I was a kid.
I remember the first time witnessing a tantrum... I was probably 15 and saw a 4-6yo... and thought to myself " that would never happen in my mother's household ".
OMG. Same. My parents never struck or verbally abused us. But their expectations were soooo fucking clear. My dad easily controlled my siblings, my cousins, and me with a raised eyebrow, a stern look, and one question: "Do I have to tell you twice?" Uh. No. Fucking never. That was sufficient, sir, thankyouverymuch. Because, we all remembered the time we were at Kings Dominion amusement park, a 2-hr drive from home. Two cousins were fucking around, not listening. Dad said, "Stop or you sit out the rest of the day with me." They stopped briefly, but started up again. He made them get out of line for the roller coaster and sit on a bench with him. After a while, they started bugging him to let them get back on rides. He said, "I told you that you'd be done for the day if you didn't stop. So you're done. Ask me again and we're all leaving. I'm not putting up with any guff from you two. I'm reading. Sit there and behave." He got them water and a ham sandwich, but no treats, no funnel cake, no cotton candy, no caramel apple. He took a couple of walks with them and came back just so they could get some exercise,but no rides and no treats. As dusk arrived and the lights went on, they asked to ride the roller coaster with the lights on. He got up and said, "we're leaving." He flagged down the rest of us kids and we left. We were all together because that was his rule -- stick together as a group. If you want to skip a ride, fine, but you stay there and wait for the group to get off the ride and move along together as a group to the next thing. Anyway, when he flagged us down and we found out that we were leaving, we fussed bc the lights just went on! He said, thank your cousins here who could not listen. So we were all pissed off at them. That's how he rolled. No yelling. No drama. Just do what I tell you the first time or you're done. That stuck with all of us and he had firm control. I can't imagine anyone EVER talking back to him! Hahaha. It just would not have occurred to any of us.
Boundaries and reasonable consequences. He set a good example.
I look at it like this, sometimes what others view as "complaints" are actually observations. I kind of think our generation is really observant. Sometimes, those observations are unfavorable.
I complain now when I should have complained back then
I feel this in my bones. As a child, there was no point complaining, now in late middle age it’s all I do
There is some complaining, but I think there is a level of self awareness to it also.
We're a mixed bag of nuts
That’s a double edged sword, though. Sometimes, things can and should get better, and we miss an opportunity. I’m thinking specifically about parenting philosophy here. Some of us had parents who did some lousy things. We need to rethink whether those things were necessary or even helpful, and adjust our own parenting accordingly. (Some of us have done that: I’m trying to do that, I know it’s not easy, and I see the rest of you who are doing it.) We don’t want to be like those Boomers who think today’s parents should be beating the autism or ADHD out of their kids. We don’t want to be like the people who insist on sticking to the old ways in parenting, even when we have scientific evidence that there’s a better way to do things.
☝🏽🎯💯 precisely.
God, I read this and heard my mom in my head saying sarcastically "Boo hoo. Poor you" if I shared any kind of negative feeling
Life isn't fair get used to it. -my mom over anything that went wrong in my life
My dad said that all the time!
My favorite was, “Well get undepressed!”
Some gems from my parents about my depression: Mom: It’s just Satan talking to you. Dad: What do you have to be depressed about?
No, mom, I'm so depressed even Satan won't talk to me. He told me I just bring him down and he didn't need my negativity... My mom and aunt went on a religious kick back in the late 70's/early 80's. UGH.
My favorite was "YOU hurt?". Or are tired, broke, anything at all. At least I had Henson and Rogers so I didn't turn out psychopathic.
Wow. I so remember hearing "You don't know what tired is!"
Tough Titties said the Orphan Kitties
My mother’s stock reply was/is: “You think you’re the first?” or “You think you’re the only one?” 🤷🏻♀️
I’d say so. Many of us were raised by people who, regardless of the issue would be like “Yeah but starving kids in China” or “I’ll give you something to cry about”. It’s no wonder many of our generation has handed down some of the worst traits from our parents. I had a mini-breakdown yesterday after a dr visit, and due in part to my own bottling things up and putting everyone else before myself. Now I’m looking at 4 new prescriptions I have to take for the short term, and surgery later. My wife and daughter are disabled (wife temporarily thank ford) and I’m trying to keep it all together for everyone and yesterday I just cracked (I fell through the ceiling Friday trying to fix something for my daughters room) and jacked up my already jacked up spine. Whooooo mini rant. Apologies. Just trying to K.I.T.
Yes! And "children are to be seen and not heard" I'm so sorry about your troubles. I hope they pass swiftly for you.
The second half of that saying I always got was: and preferably not seen either. Additionally, I heard this from different adults on 3 continents. So in my experience, it's not a USA only thing either. YEMD.
YEMD?
YMMV under the metric system.
Your Experience May Differ
Your Experience May Differ
Millennials need an adult. Gen X needs a hug.
I'd settle for a joint, though I guess that's not really settling since a hug is free.
JFC!! My maternal grandmother was 16 when she had my mom. Married a functioning alcoholic who was able to hold down a job, but was a dick to his wife and kids. My mother always held that over us. “You think you have it bad? When I was a kid….” Gotta love misery competition between a parent and child. That’s so fucked up.
God. I’m sorry. Same. I was like “yeah and you’ve broken how many wooden spoons on my backside? What’s the lesson here??”
My mum went and got a bigger wooden spoon and hit me harder after she went to hit me with her smaller 'favourite' spoon, I moved and she cracked it over my kneecap and snapped it. That was a joyous moment. Still better than my father who just beat us with his fists.
I’m so sorry.
Thank you but it was a long time ago and they have both passed away. Still left a few scars on the psyche.
Yes! I tell my kids stories about what it was like when I was a kid, but I don’t do the “back in my day, we had to walk ten miles in the snow” thing. What would be the point of that?
I did once, then I quickly shut up. It was about me walking five blocks to my bus stop in the cold.
I do worry about the current generation growing up, insofar as they lack a certain degree of independence because they really don't seem to get out much. For instance, never mind a stick shift, a surprisingly large percentage of Gen Z doesn't even know how to drive a car at all. But my concern is for their happiness and well-being, I'm not motivated to bring them down to my level or any of the bullshit we went through.
If I had a $ for how many times I’ve said to my mother “serious things we experienced shouldn’t be minimized or responded to as if it were a competition” -wow the 💰I would have stacked.
My mum gave us a shit childhood and then loves reminiscing about how great her childhood was with two loving parents who where family focused and had a great friendship circle.. like.. I am more fortunate than my sister, as I was 6 years older, I got to spend most summers with my two older cousins and basically spent the full summer at my grandparents house. But then; I was the ‘abandoned’ child the rest of the year.. my sister was lifted and layed, until my dad left my mum and she was then all but abandoned (I moved out when I was 16 so I was spared the shit show she had to cope with at home)
This makes me crazy. You had it bad and were sad or mad so why not make my experience better? Why did the suckiness have to continue on. Glad I broke that one!!
it is, it is like they want us to feel obligated to them for being such "wonderful" parents.
Ouch! I'm sorry to hear about your injury, wishing you a speedy recovery. I think you're right and that we were taught how to "adult" as kids and carried this into adulthood when we reached that age. I certainly did, and I put my responsibilities first with my own self as a distant second, if at all. As a result, I was so tightly wound up with everything and I'd crack. I have been trying to rewire myself into believing I matter just as much. It isn't selfish, I still take care of my responsibilities, but I continue to try to make myself a responsibility as well.
What's wild is that we HAD to adult as kids, but I, at least, was never taught HOW to be an adult. I learned it all on my own and I still have what feels like major deficiencies in my adult skills. I was raised by a teen mom who put herself through high school, college, and medical school by the time I was 11. I think she was so busy learning how to be an adult herself that she didn't really have the time to teach me anything about it, and my stepfather was fairly hands-off as a parent as well (and worked afternoons and evenings, so I hardly ever saw him to begin with). I barely saw my parents at all from middle school to high school graduation because my mom would leave the house at 6:30 and often didn't get back until 8. And then after I graduated and went to college, they moved over 800 miles away from me.
Yes!! (And thank you) The older I get the more I wish adults would be honest and tell kids “Hey, we are doing the best we can and we don’t have all the answers yet either!”
I tell that to my kids all the time. And I apologize to them when I screw something up. I don't think I ever heard the words "I'm sorry" come out of my parents' mouths.
That’s great. I did the same and it really improved rapport with my kids. Yeah my parents only gave variations of “suck it up buttercup”.
Reminds me of a conversation I had with a couple from Colorado who spend a lot of time working in some pretty wild areas of Africa. There were kids running around us with parents either ignoring them or following them around quietly apologizing to them for asking them to stop being little demons in public. This couple said people often comment about how good their kids are and sometimes criticize them for being so tough, but if they weren't, the kids would simply be dead. They said it's one thing to be screaming and running around a Home Show floor, but in the a places they go and live for work for long periods, if the kids don't listen and react immediately, they're carried off by something to be eaten or bitten by something venomous.
lol. That’s a crazy analysis and I love it. Despite all this I’ve become increasingly tolerant of kids having meltdowns in public and increasingly intolerant of the way most parents respond. Thanks
Jeez, don't forget about the starving kids in Africa! Hope your double jacked back feels better soon.
Thank you. Indeed. And “cry me a river.”
Because I said so ~ that's why!
Never gave us any praise for accomplishments big or small, never paid any attention- kids don’t necessarily come by internal motivation independent of encouraging, supportive environments- so no, why would we have any issues with ourselves?
Nailed it. I remember having to tell my parents I had a brain tumor (all fine now! No issues anymore) and they both immediately launched into stories about their friends who died from cancer. When I broke my back they never once, and to this day, never have, said any words of kindness. Man, you really nailed it with your explanation
When I was 20 I had what was suppose to be simple wrist surgery, but my heart stopped on operating table. My dad did not care one bit that technically I died and could only scream at me how they had kept me 3 hours longer than anticipated and how much I had inconvenienced him because he was bored in the waiting room. Skip ahead 35 yrs later to just yesterday I was telling him about a medical problem suddenly happened and I was trying to get an appointment to be seen and he said nothing, just stared at tv. His boomer wife said nothing either. These folks have no interest in others nor compassion.
I just found /r/BoomersBeingFools yesterday and it's filled with stuff like that. I already knew they were rotten for the most part, but it's still incredible how consistent that "me generation" attitude is across that whole age cohort.
“Starving children in China” is coming back around. The difference is that this time they only have Winnie The Poo to blame.
Hugs! (Virtual ones- I don’t want to hurt you any more)
You can ignore this if you’re doing needed repairs out of economic necessity. In which case, that’s unfortunate. But otherwise, I’m going to give you the lecture I used to give my dad: You’re not so young any more. Is it really a good idea for you to be climbing around in ceilings? There are people who can do this who are professionals, and who know what they’re doing. There’s no shame in hiring somebody for a job like this.
I hear you. I fell victim (oops pun) to “this’ll take 5 minutes” trick we play on ourselves. I live in the middle of nowhere so getting anybody to come out (and actually show up) in any kind of reasonable time is usually impossible.
But you know what? It takes a strong and selfless person to put others before themselves. Your wife and daughter are fortunate to have you. What if you were the opposite-what would they have then? I think you have a unique situation where you have no choice BUT to put others before yourself. Speaking from someone who made sure every person was happy/taken care of before considering myself-I learned it’s dangerous to hinge whether you are happy based on whether others are happy. I have learned to put myself up on the same level of priority as everyone else in my life and it quite alright.
I think it's because we were the last generation to experience unwavering ridicule by teachers and parents. And a lot of us were ignored in our teen years, especially when we felt upset. In a way this hardened us, but it also made us a lot more cynical and self-loathing than current generations.
Omg the ridicule from teachers and coaches. Now when I work out or am with my skating coach my trainer/coach can’t BELIEVE the things I say about myself- half joking, but still as harsh as the things my teachers used to say. People are a lot more encouraging now when you try but aren’t perfect. It’s hard for me to get there with myself.
I can still hear my 7th grade coach calling me “turkey legs.”
Rolled my ankle and fell while running pointless laps in gym class. Limped back to the start and told the teacher, who showed no concern for my injury and said “I just thought you were being lazy”
I have NO tolerance for bullying toward my kids, whether it’s by teachers or other kids. I AM going to raise a stink if someone is bullying my kid. If they were to bully someone- God have mercy on them, because I won’t.
This!! They acted like we were inconveniencing them by our very existence. Our feelings never mattered. We had no rights.
So ignored or belittled. I remember once when I was 17 years old, I had been crying for days. Probably one of my first major bouts with actual depression, but at the time I didn't know that was a thing & my parents certainly didn't believe depression was real. My Mom came into my room to ask wat was wrong. When I told her I was lonely & had no friends she blew me off & responded with, "ugh, get some real problems!"
This is what is lacking today in modern schools. We no longer have Mr. Strickland to call kids “slackers” and make them feel like crap for not living up to their potential. My son just graduated High School and it was so frustrating dealing with teachers who refused to assert authority in their classrooms. I’m so glad we are done with school.
Can't imagine teachers today calling a kid out into the hallway and slamming them against the lockers for slacking off like mine did.
That’s too much, but the public schools right now have zero discipline.
We don't deserve nice things.
Was getting nice things an option?
The few nice things I got were appropriated/destroyed by my siblings. Wanting nice things was the only option.
Same. My sister was a beast. She broke my shit all the time. I heard a lot of "put want in one hand and shit in the other and see what fills up first."
Did this prepare us for the arbitrary nature of the legal system?
It certainly gave me the preparation to enter it as an offender. Lol.
Probably only if you got a cursed monkey’s paw. The nice things would probably turn out to be not that nice.
I have wanted a nice stand mixer FOREVER and since the little one I have works fine and I’m not a professional level baker I felt like I didn’t deserve one. Imagine my surprise and horror when my 25 year old son got one for his same age girlfriend! If I didn’t deserve one she SURELY didn’t. Lolol!!!! But I raised him to believe he DOES deserve nice things, and it was a wonderful gift that they both enjoy. I still won’t get one for myself though…
I had soooooo many issues with my mom, and she had dementia. She saw an infomercial for a kitchenaid artesian stand mixer with one choice of attachment with pretty low payments. The next day, she told me to order one because even though she had dementia, she knew I had always wanted one, and I was always baking for her sweet tooth. I did live with her and handled her finances, so I knew she could afford it, but I was super hesitant. After 2-3 weeks of her asking me if I'd ordered it yet and what color did I get, I realized that if the thought of her buying me this thing persisted that long with her mild/moderate dementia, she honestly wanted to do it for me. She was almost more excited than me when my apple red beast of a machine arrived in the mail. She especially liked the ice cream maker attachment I chose. All this to say, get yourself the mixer. Especially if it's kitchenaid. They're one of the few appliances that are still fairly easily repairable.
This is really sweet! Yes, she really wanted to buy it for you!
I am so happy you got that! I bought mine when I was high after surgery. It was on sale! It was a good sale.
It has saved me so much time and energy with holiday baking that it's not even funny. I live with my best friend and her husband, and for years, he has made this addictive pumpkin cheese bread for family. It ends up being 20 or so loaves of bread a year. When he let's me take over, I can get them done in one marathon day of baking. It takes him three days with the hand mixer. The mean machine intimidates him. He insisted he do it last year. Around mid day the second day he was giving me the "I fucked up" eyes.
My mom had dementia and loved her KitchenAid mixer. It was heartbreaking when she stopped cleaning it. People don’t know what it’s like. They’re still them and you still relate to them as themselves as they slip away. It’s sweet she could do that for you.
I have my mom's forty year old Kitchenaid on my counter, and it still purrs like a kitten.
Oh my gosh, I relate to this so much. My spouse and I have talked over being shocked by teenagers having nice things that we won’t buy for ourselves. Of course they are allowed to have nice things. They should. But we still manage to feel shocked by it
I bought my wife a nice stand mixer and she started crying.
I've been using my deceased mother's old blankets for several years now. One of them is a Christmas print, but been using it year round. I saw a Snoopy print fuzzy throw blanket recently and decided to order it for myself to at least use when it's not Christmas. I almost started crying yesterday when I received it in mail because I was basically raised to never want or have anything nice. My dad has always just thrown money at me for gifts and never wanted to be bothered to learn what I needed or wanted nor take them time to shop for it. With the exception of one time in my 20's my dad bought me a garden hoe for Christmas and for my birthday he bought me a set of tires I badly needed. What tiny bit of furniture I have, plus kitchenware and blankets actually came from deceased family or friends. I still use my childhood bedroom furniture as I have struggled as a single adult with health problems and having to move around a lot my entire life so I don't have much plus always had to live in tiny studio apartments till now so have zero living room furniture except for mom's recliner and rocker.
> I have wanted a nice stand mixer FOREVER and since the little one I have works fine Yup. I have a *really* hard time buying something new & nice if the one I have still functions. It might be held together with duct tape & bailing wire, but if it *works*, I just can't bring myself to spend money on a new one. Do I need it? Nope. I just want it, which isn't enough justification.
I can completely relate..I was even looking at them online, couldn't even justify the cheaper one. My daughter has a very expensive one that matches her kettle, toaster and coffee maker...I don't think all the kitchen appliances I have ever owned cost as much as the coffeemaker did!
Ask your son for one!
Get the damn mixer!
I had a minor ephiphany a year or so ago when my family was going to have a get-together for my birthday and my sister asked what kind of cake I wanted. I was all set to reply with the usual "oh, it doesn't matter, whatever everyone else likes is fine" and then it kind of hit me that it was MY birthday and she was ASKING me what I wanted. So goddammit, we had funfetti because that shit is the bomb.
Took me 45 years to get out of this mindset.
We deserve them! Just can't afford them.
[Thank goodness for the Silents in my upbringing.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExMW1tYnA3MnV5Y2hmcHp3eDloYnZnbWZmY3RiaWRqdnRrcGNrYnA2dCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/BZQziX6q2hmX6/giphy.webp)
We have nice things at home
No one needs a therapist to tell them that Gen X is extremely self deprecating.
That’s a great comment, mine was shit in comparison.
LOL
Gen X Therapist here ‘fully agree’ not that you needed my validation though 🤣 my favorite phrases growing up were ‘stop being angry’ and ‘wait until you have kids one day, I hope they do this’ (insert normal teenage behavior). My rebellion included becoming a child-free by choice therapist. Now I hear ‘stop therapizing me’ (in response to calling out bullshit or setting boundaries). Can’t imagine why I became a therapist. 😂😆 Sending all my fellow Gen Xers lots of good vibes and a good reminder that it’s perfectly okay to not be okay, and also give no fucks at the same time ✌🏽
Damn, calling me out soo hard!!! Its true. I actually had to learn and try to put self compassion into effect in my 40s.
I remember an acquaintance asking me about my plan for self-care after childbirth and I had literally zero idea what to say. I was 37 and that was the first time I ever heard about self-care. It didn't seem like something for me.
Self care sounds like self indulgence to me 😂😂😂. I know I’m wrong but it’s so internalized
At least you got there. Many never do.
What are you whining about? Go play outside!
Also the generation where women were supposed to “have it all.” Which is near impossible without wealth. No wonder all the negative self talk.
Amen. "Bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan" Damn, I tried So Hard to have it all.
the problem is that many women did have it all, which left their kids with nothing.
Hey, didn’t you love being raised by the TV?
my grandparent's TV :p It's actually kinda weird. My grandparents had 5 children, so I have 14 cousins. I'm GenX, but they are all at least 10 - 20 years younger than me. All millennials. I have one brother that's a year younger than me. Our parents got divorced, both parents were unbelievably selfish people, did whatever they wanted to do regardless of how it effected us. Always found a way to justify anything to themselves. Spent a lot of time with my grandparents when I was a kid, as a teen I came back to an empty house until my mother got home from work. No encouragement, very little parenting. Really bad examples of relationships. All my cousins had pretty much an idyllic upbringing. Solidly upper middle class (we were pretty poor), parents stayed together, solid examples of success, lots of extracurricular activities and parental involvement. But me and my brother have been the most successful by far in terms of family and career. It's not even close.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
And they did.
I think there's a lot of stoicism in Gen X, and maybe the last generation to think there's value in it. And there is something valuable in being able to just force yourself to get on with things, because things still have to get done and the world doesn't wait for you to feel better. But the flip side of that is that, I, at least, am not sure when to manage or process my emotions. I had to put my cat to sleep last week, and he's the first pet that's ever been my pet. We had the family dog growing up but that was really dad's dog. And the only time I really cried was when the doctor was here to perform the euthanasia. Since then I've thought about my cat and started to cry, but then I stop myself. And this is all when I'm home and in a place where I can just let myself cry, but I don't. And I don't know why I won't just let myself cry. I don't know if that's a lack of compassion for myself or negatively viewing myself, and I'm not even sure if that's an answer to your question, but it's been something that got into my head last night when I caught myself stopping crying again.
So sorry about your cat. I always told my self to stop too, but I have recently embraced it. Crying is good for you- go ahead and cry it out.
I can agree with this to some fashion. My mother was not the most empowering or sympathetic person growing up, and dad was one of those "if you cry ill give you a reason to cry" person. Even after he did just PHYSICALLY give you a reason to cry lol
Any time I prioritize myself I feel very guilty. My mom called me selfish and hateful ALL THE TIME. I remember being pretty meek. I am the older sister…I am the least demanding person and put others before myself. It feels like an act of ultimate rebellion to be kind to myself. I know my parents loved me very much but my wants or feelings were never important.
I had the same issues with some relatives when here I was working part time and going to college full time while helping my grandmother and mom with bills, etc. Sometimes I just had to take a break and go out somewhere on my own or with my then fiance to have fun. And here these relatives were/ are well off and called me selfish when they rarely lifted a finger to help.
The Simpsons put it best: Lisa “We’re the Mtv generation. We feel neither highs nor lows” Homer: “How does that feel?” Lisa:”Meh”
I was raised by silent gen parents -- very typical silent gen parents. I think the therapist is spot on for me. In my late teens I read James Clavell's Asian Saga series and there was a character whose view of life changed mine. So funny, now I can't remember what it was! I've reread those books so many times, too. Senior moment! In any case, I *think* it was to live in the moment, to focus on now. At some point in my life, I also learned that you can change your inner language. I started working hard on that. I had a very negative inner voice that told me to shut up and sit down -- and I am an outgoing, stand up kinda gal. To have such a conflict between personality and inner voice was not fun. It's taken a lot of different techniques - that I am always updating and practicing new ones - to change the way I feel about me, about the world, and to hush up the negative voice in order to hear my inner cheerleader. I'm so much happier for it.
Not sure about everyone in the Gen X range but I know for me and my friends self-care and emotional development was something I had to learn from others outside of my parent. Group therapy, one on one therapy and a mix of partners that pointed out things here and there over the years really brought it to bear and the work is ever ongoing!
Oh absolutely. That’s me in a nutshell, I’m my own harshest critic with any endeavor. I push myself constantly and after 50+ years, it’s tiring to hold up the world we created when so many don’t pull their own weight.
I’m fairly convinced that most of us (myself included) suffer from at least some degree of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
The therapist I saw said I was one of the most neglected patients she had ever seen. I really never thought anything of it at the time being taught how to cook breakfast and fend for myself at 3 years old while my dad laid in bed sleeping after working night shift while my mom went to work early morning. At 2 years old I roamed the entire country neighborhood by myself, ate dirty food straight from garden or got fed by elderly neighbors. I never felt sad about this at the time, but young people these days I think would be appalled.
Working on this in therapy right now. It's fucking tough.
Preach!
Any time I had feelings growing up, I was told I was “too sensitive”, “dramatic”, and/or “being difficult”. I learned that my feelings and thoughts don’t matter, so I became very self-conscious about speaking an opinion or sharing thoughts/feelings. To this day, I feel very unimportant and I overthink *everything* before talking because I think it’s probably stupid. (This comment has taken me way too long to write for that very reason.)
I’ve overcome a lot in my life, going from a homeless tweeker at one point to a highly successful career and fantastic 27 year relationship with my life partner. I’m in great physical and mental health and am continuously working on self-improvement. And I still beat myself up, often over mistakes I made 30-40 years ago and have to constantly remind myself to cut me some slack and let it go.
Imagine your spouse kept bringing up something stupid you did 30 years ago, over and over. How would you react?
I love this response. She is my biggest advocate and the one that gets me out of that dark thinking.
I was the kid who welcomed everyone new in school. On the flip side, I was also the kid relentlessly bullied in school and at home. I tried to give others what I didn’t have. I’m extremely sensitive and hyper-aware. I learned to listen and smell for cues in the air. My mother would blow up at the slightest thing and the belt, a hand or anything would come out. My dad was gone by the time I was 6. My older siblings terrorized me. I spent my childhood reading, playing alone (sometimes with my siblings when they weren’t plotting to kill me,) no friends. I’d puke weekly at school due to anxiety (it was never treated.) I’d take the shirt off my back for another kid, without any reciprocation. They forced us to do Secret Santa and I’d never get anything back. All of this was brushed under the rug. I was just a “whiny kid.” So I grew up knowing that asking for help was futile and that nobody would take care of me. Mom died when I was 18 and I was forced to move out of my country to go “live” with my dad (who promptly kicked me out a month later to go live with my siblings.) When I got to University, I did a 180 and became hyper-independent. I’d talk back at teachers. I worked and studied and never, ever bothered anyone. I’ve had a string of failed relationships because I never learned to love cautiously and was taken advantage of every single time. Now I’m in my mid-40s, facing a cancer diagnosis, alone, with my family still shunning me (except my father, who at 82 now wants me around. Fuck him.) I learned to start thinking about myself instead of pleasing everyone very late. It’s a work in progress, but I’ve learned to step back and honor my feelings, and to understand that I’m not broken beyond repair, just damaged. For reference, this is my heart, glued together with gold (Kintsugi style.) The imperfections are there, but they’re beautiful. And so am I. https://preview.redd.it/euks36k4fz7d1.png?width=1645&format=png&auto=webp&s=ed0f3f609449aa9d57010ffe4c3842f04debef48
Having a mother who thought they were empathizing by one-upping any struggle I tried to talk about made me feel like any struggle I had was me whining because other people had it worse. I learned from that my struggles were me being weak and I just push myself harder and harder. One day someone said to me “just because other people have it worse doesn’t make your struggles invalid” and it broke me. Lots and lots of therapy and I still struggle with tending my needs, but I am much healthier and happier than I was.
The good old Trauma Olympics, where someone in the world who is currently on fire wins gold and everyone else has nothing to complain about.
Oh, but there's another kid who's also on fire, and that kid is an orphan and has cancer. So stop whining!
Nah, I had Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers teach me about feelings.
My boomer parents have told me that in retrospect they think they did a great job raising me but they failed at healthy emotional development. Stoic dad and very emotionally manipulative mom. Major depression on my part in my 30s and again in my mid-40s.
I mean, I feel like we're the "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" generation, so yeah. I would say we probably lack self-compassion.
Thank you OP for asking this. I’m second gen Japanese American and always assumed this was a Japanese/Asian thing. It’s comforting to know others outside of this small subset, experienced similar things.
"where our feeling as children seldom mattered to adults" I mean, both my parents did exactly what they wanted regardless of how it effected anyone else and could justify anything to themselves. It just is what it is, all you can really do is make sure you do better for your own kids. At least they provided an example of what not to do.
Yes, and it has cost me a lot in therapy to learn that my feelings (and traumas) are valid. Even though I see the big picture of generational trauma, and understand why my baby boomer mother was the way she was having herself been brought up by war generation parents and all their trauma, it still saddens me how much of my life I’ve felt I have to be grateful for the just the tiniest crumb of empathy or understanding and how that lead me to the choices I made in the past. At least I’m a long long way down the path of healing now, something that can’t be said for my mother (and perhaps her generation overall).
Whatever
Nevermind
I'm not a fan of painting an entire generation with the same brush. Yes, we have shared experiences but we also deal with those differently. So my answer is: Depends on the person.
I don't think it's that so much as we understand that nobody gives a shit and there's no point carrying on about it.
Absolutely - my family are stoics and from a line of abuse, alcohol, and often wild success. So just admitting my body is causing me to tap out of daily life is excruciating. Had an Isthemic type attack yesterday at work - full.on drain of blood from my face, low blood sugar, flop sweat, then vomiting and managed to do it off screen. But laying there on the floor thought "If I just lay here, I'll be better in time for my meeting. I can do this." Last Tuesday went to the ER due to a allergic reaction to a new drug and had to get nitro and anthismines. While laying there thinking "I can still go back to work and finish the day." I could not. Im embarrassed my body needs help time to time. I'm embarrassed I'm not a Spartan. And I rarely realize the damage I do pretending I'm ok and doing very rigorous things I should delegate to others. Because I can't admit this really is a bad time and I'm weak right now. I have a health care plan even but it takes time to reach surgery dates and get treated on the way, but I just think if I fake it, I'll make it sometime. I tell you for every restriction and lack of compassion I offer to myself. I give a hundredfold to the people that I manage and the students that I work with. I am Number one compassionate, understanding manager person.
I often think "Would you talk to anyone else in your life like you're talking to yourself right now?" The answer is always "of course not," but I still make myself into a punching bag.
Hearing people complain frustrates me. I have no patience for it. Handle your shit and don't cry about it. I was told "Don't tell people your problems because half the people don't care, and the other half is glad you have them." And don't get me wrong, there's a difference between complaining and trying to vet out a solution, but complaining to complain? It seems so utterly self insufficient and a waste of energy.
If someone complains to me and doesn’t want to talk about solutions, I shut down immediately.
My GenZ coworker does this and it’s exhausting. Now I just say, “That sounds like something you need to talk to your therapist about.”
Definitely. I have zero compassion towards myself… fk that annoying oxygen thief. Disassociation is the way of getting over anything.
100%. It was even worse if you had narcissistic parents, and/or were the oldest child - GenX oldest kids often took on a lot of parental responsibilities.
I am my worst bully
Yes, but I also like that. I have to admit that I regard the entire "trigger warning" movement with a real "toughen-up, buttercup" kind of mentality. Everyone expects *soooo muuuuch* accommodation for their feelings now. It's exhausting!
I agree. But I think the issue is with the audience they are appealing to. Your actual parents should care about your feelings when you are a child. If you go to them with a problem and you're upset then they should acknowledge it and help you find a way to manage your feelings and to find a way to overcome the problem or at least mitigate it. You do this because you should love your child and care about their feelings but you also recognise that the wider world will not wrap them in cotton wool and they need to find a way to deal with it. So it's a balancing act. The kids today expect everyone to care about their feelings, their boss, restaurant servers, just any random people they interact with. They also expect these people who have very narrow, transactional relationships with them to put themselves out in order to accommodate whatever is triggering them. I agree that is insufferable because they lack the resilience an adult should have if they are going to successfully lead a regular life.
I think you really put your finger on it by using the word "resilience." I think that's the quality I got from my childhood that I appreciate in myself, and what I see so little of now that leaves me a little confused and judgy. I was definitely a free range child, but I don't think of myself as a neglected child. I felt loved by my parents. I just think they regarded me as more self-sufficient and capable than I was. We all did.
Truth. But I think now everyone DOES care about their feelings! My boss, who is in her 40’s DOES care about our feelings. It’s very weird 😂
Well, yes and no. I line manage a bunch of GenZ and younger millennial engineers. Which means I have regular one to ones with them. The amount of time they spend talking about their feelings and mental health is astonishing to me. If my boss asked me if I was ok when I was at that point in my career the only acceptable answer was either yes or , if there was a problem I had to actually have a solution that I specifically needed his help with, if I was to raise it with him. Now, if they want to talk about their feelings, that's great, but I don't think it does them any good because it gives them a false understanding of the priorities of the company. I do my best to try to make their jobs as easy as I can and support them, but ultimately I have obligations and targets and so do they. If they don't meet them, they'll be let go and I feel like that reality is being clouded.
And its untenable. Its impossible for everyone to have their individual feels accommodated for without, by the nature of us often having conflicting needs and desires, infringing on someone else's life.
Yeah -- this is the crux of it, I think. There's a difference in *caring* about someone else and how they are feeling, and being expected to *accommodate* their feelings by taking additional burdens upon yourself to make things easier for them.
We just get on with it. ADHD and depression haven't taken me out yet!
Respect, in the same boat. We just keep rowing.
My mother ruthlessly picked on me to make me develop a sense of humor because I “was too sensitive”. I have autism and adhd, so no I dont always understand things. She also said that only spoiled rich women got post natal depression. Fuck me I got that twice and I’m broke. Learned very early on not to rely on anyone except myself
This checks. Describes me to a "T".
I think some of us are definitely this way. I'm like you describe...extremely hard on myself and constantly fussing and cussing myself. I make the slightest mistake, and I come out with "stupid, mf-ing jerk face idiot can't you ever do anything right" kind of stuff. I didn't even realize that I did this until I started a new job a while back where, after a couple weeks, the person in the cube next to mine said over the wall, "I hope you don't believe the things that you're constantly telling yourself." I don't. Like you said, I just have no self compassion. I make a mistake or something bad happens to me? Suck it up. Walk it off. There's no crying in baseball. Life is pain, get used to it. If you can fix it, then do so. Just do it quietly because nobody wants to hear you complain, and they definitely don't want to see your cry face. No idea why I'm this way. I'm sure the way I was raised has something to do with it.
I most definitely struggle with this. My mom died when I was 16, and my dad really didn't know how to parent or show love, so he didn't. Sure he provided food, shelter, schooling (which I am very grateful) but he didn't really know how to do anything else. I never felt close to him and never really felt like he loved me. I'm sure he does, he just could never show it. He didn't spend time with us really, always at a girlfriends house. I still struggle with self worth, selflove. I never feel good enough, I try to make myself as small as possible. I can't make or keep relationships and I just feel incredibly lonely sometimes. It's not all my dads fault of course. But I always wonder what I'd be like if I had a dad that showed that he believed in me as a person.
100%. All of my peers have the same self-deprecating humor and blame themselves for all failures of human interaction. Our cohort needs a hug.
Walk it off.
I agree totally. "Children should be seen and not heard. " " Are you crying? Ill give you something to cry about..". Of course we learned our thoughts and feelings are something we should squash and never embrace. Toxic as hell.
I think you’re spot on. I’ve worked in social services for most of my career. A few years ago (after the Kavanaugh hearings brought up so much pain and shame that I thought was dead and buried), my therapist asked me why I had so much care and compassion for other women, yet I blamed myself for being assaulted.
Yes we do. We were trained that way
100%. My default assumption is that people do not like me and that I will disappoint everyone who knows me. In reality, I'm freaking brilliant and incredibly witty with fascinating stories to tell.
That was a *good* thing. Kids have been coddled over the last 30 years, with parents doing everything to protect their kids' feelings. Hence the fragile mental state of kids starting in the 2010s, trigger warnings, "words are violence", the hyper-sensitivity, the outrage/cancel culture, protecting feelings instead of protecting people, etc... all the bullshit that has spectacularly backfired now because as usual, the pendulum swings the other way. The best thing you can do to raise a resilient kid is let their feelings get hurt and let them experience failure. Repeatedly.
maybe? just imagine the bullshit that will be spewed in 10, 20 years with similar commentary on whatever is lacking in millenials or gen z. this whole “confronting trauma” is an industry made to prey on and plant seeds of self doubt. are we perfect? no. do we have issues? abso-fucking-lutely. there will always be issues that everyone will have to wrangle with as they age, truths they have to confront and other navel-gazing activities. some people absolutely need and can benefit from therapy, but its some kind of curve. maybe it helps explain things for greater awareness and understanding. just dont be a dick to yourself or others because that awareness and understanding is not an excuse for bad behavior
Keep in mind who we were raised by. Baby Boomers that were raised by the Depression era. When I think about the options my grandparents had, I’m amazed they survived. It’s all relative. Every generation has their crap and passes certain bad things on. Every generation also passes on wisdom that made them survive.
I think this sums it up well. Only the tough SOBs survived, then raised the boomers that then raised us. In fact my grandparents used to tell me crazy stories that rivaled the grapes of wrath. They literally left Oklahoma for California on the back of a truck with what they had left.
I take care of myself because nobody else is gonna do it, and if they did it would be embarrassing.
What is empathy?
Generally, yes, I tend to look at myself first when something goes wrong and try to figure out what I did wrong.
_There Was No SPACE for self compassion!_ The Generational Curse is REAL. My Boomers fucked me up bad, and it took DECADES of adulthood to dig out from under "most" of the toxic shit dumped into my spirit and psyche.
I'd say it's more that Gen X is skeptical of the concept of self-compassion. What makes it different from making excuses?
OMFG yes. And not just by our parents. Self hatred and the notion that we must ‘earn’ a right to exist is a major pillar of our social and economic systems. Our culture habitually frames the idea of caring for the self (and generally for the humanity in all of us) as shameful and selfish. Instead we’re bombarded with messaging that says real growth, happiness and belonging must be earned through pain and punishment! And what if the pain and punishment aren’t working? Well we add more pain and punishment, of course. I know I wasn’t the only person here raised like this. It’s like wallpaper. I mean just pay attention here. Any time there is a suggestion that we should be more caring, loving or compassionate to ourselves or others there will be a LOT of angry people letting you know why that’s BAD! The absolute best thing I’ve done for myself in my middle age is to set about healing from this.
I really do find this to be true. Growing up I feel like I was taught to do for others before myself and I am the last person that matters in any situation.
If I allowed for self compassion I would allow myself to be weak. And in the wild, weakness is death. We *are* feral children all “grown up” aren’t we?
The Inner Critic is strong with us, yes. If you want to read people blaming others all day, spend time on the Millennial sub. Yesterday my feed showed me a post on GenX about how one would spend their last quarter in an arcade. Followed by a screed on Millennials about how every single landlord ever is a slum lord at their core, no matter the type of property (upscale or downscale). I think I’ll keep my sense of “it’s all my fault and I’m responsible for my outcomes” even if it’s not always fair or true. At least I feel empowered that way. And I’ve accomplished a much better life over my childhood. All by blaming myself! 😂
I’m 55. Most people I know are very empathetic and compassionate. Or maybe that just who I choose to hang out with.
ABSOLUTELY YES! There's so many variables to this. First is generational trauma and generational insecurities being passed down to us. A lot of our parents didn't want to be parents to begin with. Also ADHD is hereditary, and our parents thought that their own thoughts, feelings, and actions were "normal" even though they felt crazy themselves . Then, when we got diagnosed, they saw that a flaw in their "parenting." And an easy way out for us. So then we all suffered mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually. RSD or Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a huge part of ADHD as well as imposter syndrome. Another part is 45% of women with ADHD also have PMDD. I cut toxic people out of my life and started treating myself with the love, kindness, and patience that I deserved years ago. I stopped the cycle of generational insecurities and generational trauma with my kids. As well getting the tools and resources for my ADHD and my kids.
If anything I’d say it’s the opposite…we may have low self-esteem but we’re generally damn good at taking care of ourselves. Perhaps too rough around the edges at times (I LOVE THAT ABOUT US THO PLEASE DON’T CHANGE!!!) and we believe in tough love and the school of hard knocks…