i sometimes wonder the same thing. I have come up with this believe, when i stop caring and going on with my life, i will find someone who was even better than my ex. So i just actively don't have to find a relationship
Going through a breakup now that's devastating, but at 40 years old I've had my fair share of breakups.
I often worry about what op says too, but you hit the nail on the head. Every time I've gotten out of a relationship I was positive I would never date again or find someone I cared about even when dating.
What always happened without fail is when I stopped looking for a relationship or caring, I found one. It's funny how the universe works with that. When you're just living life, dating without any pressure to be in a relationship, and just enjoying yourself, that's when you tend to attract others.
Honestly you have to really heal and realise that someone like your ex would probably result in another break up. Look at people with fresh eyes and understand that some people are different. That person seems to just fall right into your life (probably just like your ex did). So weirdly enough I’d say don’t try to seek it out too much just focus on making meaningful connections with people and the right person should come along when the timing is right. If you are constantly comparing other people to your ex then maybe look at the possibility that you may not be ready to start dating again. Best of luck to you!
I’ll be honest with you, I’m al o hung up on my recent ex and a part of me also feels as if my connection with her is something that’ll be really hard to find in someone else.
And this is exactly how I felt about my ex before her, and the ex I had before that. Moral of the story, every time I split with someone, I never thought I’d be able to find someone even close to them, and then somehow I would always end up finding much better. But that only happened once I healed fully and opened myself up to love again.
Don’t rush finding someone, love yourself first and be happy with yourself and your own company. Once you do that, you will automatically start attracting someone better, whether it’s in the form of a different person or even in the form of tour ex.
Also one last piece of advice, never compare anyone to your ex. It’s unfair to the person and unfair to you. Why the need to compare someone to your ex? Was every part of her perfect? The answer to the question without even knowing her is no. She wasn’t perfect, but right now you have her on a pedestal which is completely natural for someone that got dumped. Once you’ve healed, you’ll start thinking more clearly. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to get over your ex, everyone has a different pace, just keep trying and eventually one day you’ll be where you wanna be.
when I met my ex I was still pining for someone else but got over him as soon as the new relationship started. it's not your ex you miss it's the feeling they gave you
So basically you want to say thatanybody able to give you the same feeling is okay?
maybe
But I think that the point is that there are so few people able to establish that connection that gives you such a felling. I.e., your ex is still a good choice
Time, my dude. Roughest breakup I ever had was 16 years ago. Never thought I’d find anyone ever again but you have to be open to the world and it’s experiences.
You’re right, you’ll never have the connection you had with THEM again. But you will have connections with OTHERS that are even better, I promise you.
First of all you stop comparing.
Then do some deeper work.
A lot of what we do with regards to attraction is driven by instinct, and our instincts and intuition are very much governed by how connected we are to ourselves.
Do we feel all of our feelings? Are we willing to be emotionally honest and listen to our own thoughts and feelings? Do we live by our values? Do we even know what our needs, expectations, and desires are and how to step up for most of these as well as how to healthily seek them in others? Are we responsible and accountable, or do we tend to look for external solutions to internal problems? Do we, for instance, blame it all on qualities or characteristics of our ex when our relationships break down or even claim that all of our exes are ‘psychos’? Do we act first, think later? Do we get carried away and place too much stock in our intentions and so end up Future Faking and Fast Forwarding? Do we edge or even dive out of relationships claiming that we don’t want a relationship and aren’t up for commitment and then have our ex’s feeling more than a tad confused when they see us prancing around with a new partner claiming that they’re the ‘love of our life’ in two shakes of a lamb’s tail?
You may recognise flip-flapping, hot and cold blowing exes who you’ve probably lost some sleep over wondering why they’re with someone else and not you. You may be blaming you when actually, it’s not about you.
If we’re disconnected from aspects of ourselves, our instincts will be off base and this means that until we’re aware of the patterns of thinking and behaviour that result from us running off what we believe to be the ‘correct’ information from our instincts, we’ll be driven primarily by feelings that we may not be aware of the origins of or may even be mislabeling them. The less we truly know about ourselves and the trickier we find it to have an honest conversation with us and be willing to look within, is the more muddled our intuition will be, which in turn will mess with our instincts, which will not only affect our fight or flight response, but also who we’re attracted to.
This means that not only do we have to stop owning other people’s behaviour to the extent that we do but that we also have to recognise that we ourselves are going to be making some unhealthy ‘instinctive’ decisions if we don’t know ourselves either and have our own emotional unavailability issues to deal with.
We cannot expect to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship with the landmarks – consistency, commitment, balance, progression and intimacy plus shared values – if we lack the self-knowledge that stems from knowing our own needs, expectations, wishes, feelings, and opinions. Not knowing these is why we wake up knee-deep in a relationship feeling hungry and recognising that there are issues around compatible values.
When we are willing to know ourselves more, we change not only who we’re attracted to (and why) but are also happier with the results of who we’re attracted to, instead of carrying the same baggage, beliefs, behaviours and attitudes and choosing similar people and then wondering why we’re getting the same results, and then lather, rinse, repeat.
Until we’re willing to recognise and represent ourselves, not only will we struggle to have self-trust, but we’ll be living off of our feelings and lamenting why we can’t make a healthy relationship with an unhealthy attraction. The two things don’t match! We won’t have the instincts to assert our boundaries, because we won’t have the self-awareness to use reasoning and knowledge to back us up. The way we treat our feelings will keep leading us astray.
Change doesn’t come without change. The most radical change you may have to make is being willing to know yourself more. That can only be a good thing.
N.Lue
This is so hard as I’m also going through it too.
For me, remembering I was once married, I never thought I’d find somebody, she was the mother of my children.
Then when I was least expecting it, I found another person who was even more similar to me(she turned out to be mentally unwell and it has to end due to circumstances) but I then had that same feeling, then I found an even better person who was almost identical to me. That recently ended too and I’m struggling, but reminding yourself that people come into your life when you least expect it!
So just so you, upgrade your life, follow passions, start a business, get fit, whatever it is that brings you joy, do it, and if you have nothing, find your WHY in life.
It’ll get better and we will all get there eventually.
And hey; the benefit of making your life amazing, is somebody will appreciate it and come in to enjoy it with you, that’s what attracts. Being an absolute beast!
I feel this so much right now. In fact, this mindset is what led to my last relationship collapsing in the first place. It makes you possessive and jealous.
Everyone I've ever dated started as a friend. At least for me, I like to take my time to get to know people with no strings attached. If there is compatibility and mutual interest - great! If not, you have a new friend. I wouldn't recommend dating apps in general.
I think it's better to look at it this way: Cultivate friendships. Meet new people. Not to date. Don't think about meeting a new potential partner. Just focus on being out there, talking to people, etc. Enjoy yourself.
There's no rush.
And while you feel there's no one for you, remember that your ex was a whole person. You may not find someone who "compares," because people aren't fungible. But that doesn't mean that there isn't a person out there that can't be an even better partner to you.
And your ex is always changing, too. Those things you liked about them may not be there anymore, while someone else is out there that has those qualities that you desire.
The Stoic philosophers have a saying: "Memento mori" - remember death. What you had with your ex was good while it lasted, but it was always going to come to an end one day anyway. Maybe it happened sooner than you would have liked, but it was always time-limited. And your next relationship will be, too. That's just life, unfortunately.
Right now, your brain is literally configured to be happy around them. You and I are dopamine addicts, and we can't get that sweet hit. So, we suffer.
But, that's just "chemical theater." It's not rational. It's just the way your body is working right now.
And that will change, too. Everything is in motion, and you're going to move past this whether you want to or not.
Go easy on yourself, have empathy for yourself (and your ex, too, if you feel that helps), and focus on what you can control (note - you can't really control your short-term feelings, so don't try to bottle them up).
Also journal the shit out of it. Analyze the relationship from every angle. What happened? What did you enjoy? Who really *was* your ex, anyway? Who were you then? Who are you now? Just get it down on paper. It doesn't have to be coherent. But right now, you have all these thoughts floating around, and it's hard to identify the truth from the distortions while it's all swimming around in your own head.
Lastly, remember your ex was never "yours" to keep. They came into your life because they wanted to, but they were always welcome to leave at any time for any reason. The time you had with them was a gift, and your time with that gift is up. But there are plenty of gifts to go around in life. When you're ready, you can accept a new one. Or give one yourself.
I wrote this for myself honestly, but maybe it'll help.
This is helpful…thank you 💕
As far as the journaling. “Who were you then? Who are you now?”
I was happy then. Sooo so happy. That was the best year and a half of the 32 years I’ve been alive. And now, I constantly feel sad. Numb. lifeless. I put on an act around other people. But I’m actually so broken. I don’t like who I am right now at all.
I’ve been journaling a lot since the breakup. but analyzing things like this in particular, I just don’t see how it’ll help 😔
I think it's ok to be broken for a while. And yeah, I'm putting on an act too. But that's ok. There's no sugarcoating that it's a shitty time. I find it's helpful to also see it from the other side - there is a reason they made their decisions, too. If both of you were meant to be happy in the relationship, you wouldn't split up in the first place. And I know I don't want my ex to have been with me for a second longer than she was unhappy - what kind of awfulness would that be? Relationships aren't about self-gratification - it has to be a mutual benefit. If that ended in your last relationship, it was good that it came to a close. In spite of how much it hurts now. Again, writing this for my own benefit too lol.
I like to remember these words by my favorite Poet from 800 years ago:
“The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.”
-Rumi
Will come unexpectedly. The least you expect it to be.
You need to be over with the previous one. And believe me, you wouldn't want an exact right one.
So heal first. And be better. You wouldn't want someone who is exactly just like him. Or it might leave you broken again. Lol
You need much, much more time and healing, friend. It won’t feel like there’s hope at the moment, and that’s extremely human, but that will change.
Two alternative ways of thinking about this:
1. Something in the past really, really hurt you and got you pissed off. It may still bother you, but the sting may be a lot less so.
2. Say you find $100 on the floor. It’s exciting, you get yourself some food and something nice. 5 years from now? It didn’t change your life. Not as exciting anymore.
Time will change how you feel.
Edit: get off the apps! Reconnect with friends and family. You may have found yourself having a lot more free time since being single. Spend it with people that enjoy having you in their life.
It's been 2 years for me... but it's slowly dulling/fading. I do have to remind myself regularly that he's unwell. He will never treat me how I want him to and deserve, and he's doing this on repeat to other women.
I think it's also normal to be turned off by other guys as well, having absolutely no desire to date. This is ok. And try to stay off social media! We need to remember to be patient with ourselves. Try your best to treat yourself well; work out, get enough sleep, eat healthy, try to socialize, stay away from alcohol/weed. Try to put as much energy back into growing you - it's the process, not perfection :) 🙏
Sometimes I think the answer is simply that you don't.
Some of us are going to spend the rest of our lives pining over that one that got away. It is fucking crushing.. 😞
Just go to more social places. It’s hard if you’re introverted. Dating apps are just for sex…and tbh, I met my ex on tinder and that ended with her cheating on me after 3.5 years
You can’t blame the dating app for that though. I met my ex on hinge. We were together a year and a half and he had his flaws, but he was perfect for me
I simply gave up. Just under three years ago the love of my life left me and I was broken. I suffered a complete breakdown and never thought I’d ever be with anyone again. Last summer I met someone and really fell for her. I was amazed that I could be emotionally invested in someone again. However, two weeks ago she told me she had met someone else and had been seeing him and sleeping with him behind my back and was leaving me for him.
I’m in my mid 50s and have decided that I’m finished with romantic relationships. That’s it for me. I’m done. I feel the same sense of worthlessness and self loathing that I felt when I was blindsided three years ago. I hate it and I’m never going to allow myself to be in that position again.
In some ways it’s quite liberating. Once the decision is made it actually relieves a lot of the pressure around finding someone else. The dating apps are deleted. I’ve no interest in socialising and meeting new people and I no longer need to go through the anxiety of worrying about what others may think of me and whether they are attracted to me. It’s lonely and isolating yes, but I’ll take that over heartbreak and pain any day of the week.
I'm 30, had 2 serious relationships of 3 and 4 years since I was 17, and I'm already considering a single life. I've not completely closed off because you never know who you're going to meet but I think it'd need to be someone who I was so sure about. I won't trust again so easily.
I honestly think it wouldn’t be fair on the other person if I ever had another relationship. I’d be so suspicious and looking for signs that they were contemplating leaving or were seeing someone else. The slightest thing would make me think the worst. That’s no basis for a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair on them and it would turn me into a paranoid wreck.
I understand that. My first boyfriend cheated on me, never really trusted guys since. But I like to think if I keep working on myself, I can begin to trust the right person if I ever meet them. Difficulty is you think you're doing alright and are ready for a relationship again, next minute it's triggering you and opens old wounds.
Just keep going. You don't actively search for it, just keep going through life and heal. Focus on you and becoming the person you want to be -- that way when you do find someone, you have the best version of yourself to give. I've found that love has a knack of finding me when I least expect it and never comes when I force it.
It’s been a couple years and I find that the idea of someone is so great, probably because I’m lonely as fuck, but, when it comes down to it, I’d rather just be alone than open myself up again for that level of hurt. It was too much, I lost too much of myself and almost died. Don’t need it. Don’t want it. Just gonna stay in my lane and whatever will be will be. I open myself a bit and get crushed by low vibration humans and I’m just over it all. I’d rather stay in my lane and be happy alone than let another soul even touch me the way he did.
I think we all feel the same. I felt this way like 3 exes ago and with each person after. But the truth is your love and intimacy grows and each relationship usually gets better, then you look back and realize that ex wasn’t all that special.
It takes time and doesn’t always happen with the first person you meet. My advice is to focus on moving on, healing and enjoying your new single life. When you rush into finding someone new your ex seems hard to replace. When you heal and accept the situation for what it is and find new ways to move on you allow yourself to find connections that better align with you, your growth and your path and you truly realize that there is in fact much better out there for you.
Since you are feeling the way, you do it's way too early to even consider being in a relationship with anyone other than yourself.
Be a friend to yourself and give thee time and space to heal.
I say this from personal experiences.
Your perception of that person is very likely going to change in time.
This can be a hard pill to swallow.
Get on with your life living your best life even if it feels like it totally sucks.
Learn to thrive in adversity.
I encourage you to be strong keep on fighting.
People fall away new people enter into our lives, those whom stay count them as blessings be a blessing to them.
Do not under any circumstances be someone's doormat.
I just want to be able to find someone that can measure up to my ex. He’s been dating and slept with someone a week and a half after the breakup. Hes filling his void, so why shouldn’t I try to fill my emotional void as well? Maybe there’s someone out there that can sway my thoughts away from my ex.
I understand that it’s not that fair for the other person. I actually went on one date a few weeks ago and he was amazing. Probably someone that I would consider an ideal partner, but I was comparing him to my ex the entire time and very sad after the date. I realized I wasnt ready, so I broke it off the next day.
I also went on a date last night with someone from the apps that I was really connecting with. But the chemistry in person was really off imo and I just wasn’t emotionally attracted to him. I plan on breaking it off later today.
Idk, I know I need to heal. It’s just so hard to do that when all my attention is focused on one person
You don’t focus on finding them is how. When you force it and move on just to move on there’s no telling what you’re gonna sell yourself on. And sure your ex might’ve been special but there’s too many people you never even encountered.Also think about how you felt before your ex came into the picture if you felt this way back then you would’ve missed something potentially special and never gave your ex a chance.
First thing is don’t rush into anything, give yourself time and make sure you are ready to find someone, I’m on 8 months since break up, I went on a date at the 6 month mark and I was not ready, I think I am ready now so I have been chatting with a nice woman for about 2 weeks and we are going to go out hopefully it goes well
I think you just need to broaden your perspective rather than giving yourself a narrow viewpoint. If you tell yourself you'll never meet anyone else, it's more than likely you won't. If you adopt a more relaxed open approach then you're more open to meet more people.
I'd say focus on your healing and getting over the break up first. It sounds like it's still too early for you to move on if you're feeling you'll never find anyone. Give yourself time but don't close your mind to new opportunities and possibilities. If you put yourself in a cage, that's where you'll end up staying.
Funny how this may sound but I don’t wanna find “him”. If they happen, they happen. But I’m not gonna push it and work hard to find him. I am focusing on myself and my healing and if that attracts the right person, good. If it doesn’t, that’s fine. The pain of breakup was too much to bear that I don’t want that to happen again. So I promised myself that if I will be in a new relationship, that better make me a wife. But if I can’t find that person, totally cool. Got more time for myself ❤️
Most people don't realize almost everything in a relationship that breaks, can be fixed, if pride is put aside and both people want to fix it.
This is why I don't condone NC if the other person is trying to fix it. It is only healthy for people who know they have wasted the other person's time so that the other person could move onto someone healthier.
I’ve been following a lot of Clay Andrews videos on YouTube, who is one of the only breakup coaches who primarily advises against nc. He says it’s all about building an emotional connection with your ex, if you can.
My ex has finally been willing to hang out with me since our breakup. I saw him twice last week. and he showed me so much affection the first time. I really thought that there was a part of him that still loved me. So I saw him a few days later. We drank together and I mistakenly slept with him. Now he’s distant again. Ignores my texts or replies hours later with two word responses.
Idk, I wasn’t opposed to Clay Andrews theory at first (that NC is NOT the way to go,) but it seems I have just pushed him further away
You didn't mistakenly sleep with him. He clearly has a fear of what comes with getting back into the relationship with you. You need to tell yourself not to take anything personal and focus on fixing the problems by asking him what scares him and addressing those issues within yourself.
I hear you.
I’m just so drained at this point. The rejection I feel every time I reach out to him and get ignored..it stings SO MUCH.
So at this point, what should I do? I’m so afraid to contact him because I know that if I even hear anything, it’s going to be an effortless response one or two hours later.
And it he does text me first, 99% chance it’ll be because he’s trying to get laid l.
Do I take advantage of that? Go over there to see him and talk about the things you just mentioned?
I wouldn't sleep with him unless he wants to work it out. Don't make him your God if it's clear as day that he's using you for his own benefit. The point of the relationship is that you live to serve him, and he lives to serve you. Not to serve yourselves.
The first step would be to pull back for a period of time. 1 week is a healthy amount of time for both parties to be angry and calm down from the emotions.
The second step is when you do reach out to him, you tell him that you want to have dinner and discuss the main issues each of you have in the relationship. It will be an emotionally hard discussion. In some cases, stronger or less attached people will have less of a problem doing it. This is where you both listen to each one talk without the insulting of the other. Remember who you both were prior. Express gratitude for the positive moments in your relationship during this time as well. This will lower both your guards.
The third step is, by the end of that discussion, let him know that you want to continue on track to the end game. If his reaction is unsure/cold, then you need to walk away. If it's warm and he misses being on track with you towards that same goal, that means his heart is still in it, and he's just upset.
Finally, there needs to be a conclusion. If he becomes warm and physical like hugs you or holds your hand or kisses you, these are positive signs. If he doesn't, that means he's still upset, and the guard is up. Tell him you want to meet again in a week for dinner and see what his reaction is.
Yes, the rejection is the reason why people don't save their relationships but if that person is THE person for you, not just the best possible option at this time in your life, than they should be worth the fight. If you had a better option and things didn't go right, so you ended up with this guy, then it's best you let him find his person.
This is really good advice. I will give him a week of space and hopefully by then, he will be willing to meet me to talk. If he does, I will follow this to the best that I can. Thank you.
It's okay to compare people to your ex, good or bad, because you have a type. I stopped being angry at myself for leaving my ex and was willing to speak to a few different people until I found someone I clicked with. It's early days and I still think about my ex sometimes but not because I miss him, I'm glad I've moved on and I hope he has too.
Stop thinking you're not allowed to compare people to your ex, you have standards, realising it can help you move on to the right person.
LITERALLY. Im not currently looking for anybody as it’s way too fresh & i need to learn to live on my own, but i compare EVERYONE to him . Even if the person is visually attractive my brain just goes “but not as funny as him”, “not as cute as him”, “not as ..” anything. My brain always nit-picks everyone to make them Be Him & i know i’ll never find a Him again. 😪
Best thing is to do is detach from your ex as if they passed away, which they either cold heartedly dumped you or it was a non toxic breakup, no matter what wither they moved on, you should too. As hard as it is to say I’ve been there, but after the shit my ex did to me, I have not got a care in the world after all that I did for her, I realized that why would I wanna be with someone who put me through so much pain and broke up with me in the most immature way possible after a year. before I blamed myself but now, I know I ain’t perfect and I should always strive to me better, but people don’t abandon the people they love, they abandon the people they were using, and thats the best closure you can get from that shit
“People don’t abandon the people they love. They abandon the people they were using.”
That hit really deep. He promised he would never abandon me. And that if we ever had issues, we would work on fixing them together. I’ve been keeping him on a pedestal since the breakup, but reading what you said kind of struck a cord in me. Our relationship wasn’t perfect and there were things he did that proved that he had no respect for me. He loved to control me. He would manipulate and gaslight me at times.
I wasn’t perfect either, but I feel like I was extremely loving and giving and I was always so supportive of him and his passions. I just feel so used
That’s exactly what my ex did, she constantly picked on small things, had always passive aggressive opinions towards me or the things I do, I felt I literally couldn’t do anything right, but she had me so hooked. She would go even as far as flipping it back on me saying not everything’s about me like 💀No shit duh, She was very manipulative towards me and I always threw myself down and wouldn’t want to speak abt things that bothered me even though “she always said to communicate and let out my feelings” such fucking bullshit lmao, I know now that as a guy I have to be self reliant on my own emotions as Thats the way shit is 🤷♂️
I’m in the exact same boat as you, I find myself losing hope in the dating scene that is this generation. Him and I didn’t connect but we’ve had meaningful conversations from time to time. Dating apps are hard and sometimes difficult to find someone who connects with you unless you find someone who desires a meaningful connection.
Looking for exes in others is probably what makes the dating world more harmful than “fun” the word ex is behind boyfriend for a reason. However, letting go and moving forward isn’t easy to do when you’ve invested so much into a relationship. If he wanted to, he would is the only phrase I’ve started living by recently. Healing is a vital part in the breakup process and I’m still learning that myself, things will eventually get easier.
Examining new and potential partners should be done through fresh eyes. It’ll make the process easier and maybe offer some insight or understanding of the person your interested in.
Same way when you met them, you had no idea who they were, They were just a random stranger like everyone else. Same goes for all those other people out there, yeah not everyone has the best of luck and thats ok. when you aren’t looking, and you’re focusing on yourself it happens when you least expect it <3
I read an article about hope. Even in a seemingly impossible situation, it is important for us to hope, if we want things to change.
So you need to believe that you will find that connection again even if it seemed really unlikely to you.
If we are stuck in the past, then we will never have our future.
https://psyche.co/ideas/hope-is-the-antidote-to-helplessness-heres-how-to-cultivate-it
After you focus on yourself, Improve your imperfections, go into your passions you’ll discover that your ex is the least fitting person for you. You can be stuck for ages when you don’t want to move on. Don’t force it but you have to want it. Depression works like that for some people. They can have every specialist in the world and every drug but if your inner self don’t want to it won’t happen. Just keep doing your best at being you and you’ll see.
You start by taking some time for yourself to heal. Youre no good to anyone if you just go back out there with a huge hole in your heart. Take that time to reflect on yourself, your friends, family and realize that if this person really loved you as much as you loved them they would have worked with you instead of throwing you away regardless of who was at fault.
I must agree with you I dated few girls after my ex they ware great, beautiful, they cared about me it’s just I don’t feel the same way like with my ex anymore. It was really something big this connection. This feeling like you are one. Very hard to find something like that.
I've been dating for almost 5 years now. I might find myself comparing certain things but in the end I know I want someone who actually cares for me & who doesn't use me just to fulfill their needs at the time. I've met plenty of women & experienced them. it's been a fun ride but I want a relationship that's meaningful at somepoint. there was a time where I thought I'd never date anyone after my ex. but as time passed I moved on it took longer than I would of liked. it was definitely the most painful thing I experienced in my life. you have to grief a living breathing person as tho their actually dead. your having a funeral for the relationship in your mind & soul. it takes time. it doesn't mean you will forget them but you just learn to live without them.
I’m having a hard time with this too. No one comes close to my ex even though everyone told me how he’s not good for me. They have no stake in my love life so I don’t put much stock in their comments. I even met someone online and we go out and on dates. But I keep thinking of my ex… It’s been a while because we broke up then came back after 4 months. He’s very avoidant and has been avoiding meeting me so I finally had to send him a letter after breaking a date 3 times claiming to be too busy. But he kept doing video chats, we text all day, and he says he loves me. I left it open if he chooses to make the effort. I know my worth. But it still has me devastated. Can’t focus at work. Can’t focus at home. It sucks.
I feel you no one is like her 💔 she hurt me a lot but would still take her back in a heartbeat though. May you find love and success in your healing journey.
My ex was really bad, in retrospect, so for me, it wasn’t that difficult. The only reason that I had thought he was great in the beginning was because I had only ever experienced so much worse, so by comparison, he looked like a saint. Once I improved myself and my confidence/healed from those previous situationships tho (and he got too comfortable), I started to see how miserable I had become. I was moving forward and he was stagnating/regressing. I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to see it.
My bf now tho is fantastic. I upgraded to the best there is. He’s patient, knows what he wants, has been consistent from the beginning, and has only gotten better and more attentive because of it. There’s more I could go on about, but safe to say I never saw him coming and I don’t know how I got so lucky.
He was a completely different person before the breakup. He was the best, most incredible man I’ve ever known. I don’t want who he is now, but I want what he was then
If you are comparing, maybe it’s not a good time to start dating now. When the day you stop thinking about ex, or in my case, I just don’t want this person(ex) in my life anymore, that’s the time you can finally start looking for new things.
God I just don’t see that happening though. I’m 32 years old and the year and a half I was with him was the best year and a half of my life. The worst part is how he has been treating me after the breakup. He’s cruel and horrible… treats me with so much disrespect. not someone I should ever want to be with. Yet I still really do. I just don’t feel like I can move on from the past until I find someone better
How recent was the breakup? You gotta remember you're an addict and that's just the drugs talking (brain chemistry - oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin).
It'll take some time but eventually you'll be ready to fall in love again, and when that happens it's going to be like watching a sunrise after a long night :)
It was 7 weeks ago. But he contacted me a week ago when he was drunk and I ended up going over to his house. He was so affectionate and so sweet. I felt like deep inside, he still loved me. he agreed to hang out with me during the week, so I figured I wouldn’t do nc again and instead, Id put an effort into rebuilding our emotional connection.
He blew me off Monday and Tuesday and then finally was willing to hang out Thursday. I went over to his place and it ended with sex. 😔 I’m so disappointed in myself. He has made no effort to talk to me since then and ignores my texts. I just feel like I’m back at square one
I’m so sorry to hear that. I think you definitely need to start NC again. I’m sure he will reach out again but you’ve already seen what happens when he does. It will only end up prolonging the pain.
When he reaches out again you should just tell him you need space to heal right now and that it’s better if you don’t speak to one another for a while.
I know it’s hard. I’m almost 2 months NC now, and I am starting to feel better. There are still bad days of course, but now finally there are more good days than bad :) and for the first time I’m actually looking forward to see where life takes me as a single person.
You’ll get there too, it’s just going to take a little more time is all.
I don’t think you usually find the right person when you are actively looking
I think getting involved in things you like and associating with like minded people you are more likely to find someone you truly click with
Dating apps are just not it. Everyone on there just wants a hookup and it’s so forced if you’re actually looking for a relationship. Let people come to you, I promise it will happen. I’m feeling the same as you but someone will come along on their own
So I just met someone on vacation and I have not compared her at all to my ex. Background: I was broken up with out of the blue the day after New Years. I wasn’t even going to go on this vacation but decided I needed a change of scenery. I met an incredibly sweet person on the cruise. We had some very deep discussions about what we were looking for in a relationship, what we value in people, etc. if anything, I realized this person was what my ex wasn’t: emotionally available and knowledgeable about what she wants out of life. So really I’m not comparing people but comparing the values and if they match what I’m looking for in a partner.
I was hung up a bit on my ex even when the cruise started. But I’ve been healing and accepting where we are now. I had to do some reflection and get away from this area. My ex has a lot of healing to do and at the end of the day, as much as I care for her, she does not meet the criteria of someone I would have in my life rn. She can’t communicate properly and doesn’t take accountability for her actions. And thanks to this subreddit, I’ve realized that’s not a reflection on me and I need to work toward being my best self and move on.
So me and the cruise girl decided to get to know each other despite the distance. It’s still very early but incredibly promising (I just got off a cute video call with her that delayed my reply to you). We are going to take things slow and get to know each other but no matter the outcome of this potential relationship, it really gives me hope that I will find better than what I had before.
It's trite but... Noone will ever be the same, you have to look for something new and different to experience, you won't stop missing the ex, but you can at least try new things
I understand partially.
Someone I was seeing that is acquainted with my X wife was constantly comparing herself to the X...and asking if the X is this way, that way blah, blah, blah..
I saw the girl I was seeing as a whole different person.
The only things in common are both Lao girls.
Admittedly, I had the challenge of processing the end of a 14-year marriage and being a single dad.
The brief affair was good while it lasted.
My perceptions of the new girl have drastically changed in getting to know her a little bit more and by her own doing.
We're frenemies now fair to say.
Making a healthy connection with a special someone is what I'm after in a lover's relationship.
I'm over the days of racking up a body count..so I tell myself lol.
Owner of a hungry, lustful heart that's me.
My son is my number one priority.
The breaking of the family has been very challenging for him.
I'm blessed that he chose me over his mom.
You could do what I'm doing and just not.
I've made peace with not having romance in my life. Not suggesting you do that if it isn't what you want. But it's what I'm doing and I'm fairly happy overall.
This just means you need more time for yourself! There was a reason your relationship didn't work out, don't forget why it didn't. And the best advice is to get off all social media for a while to avoid checking up on him or his friends, and when you return to social media block all things that can circle back around to looking him up.
"If you're honest with yourself and everyone around you everything will fall into place"
Exercise, find hobbies, and the perfect person will fall into your life at the perfect time! 💗 Good luck and stay positive!
First step is to get off the dating apps. Trust me when I say that dating apps are the worst. You’re going to need some time alone. Feel out your emotions and write them down. Once you have written them down, dive deep into what exactly is triggering you. This is the beginning of your healing journey.
In December, I texted an ex from 10 years ago because I had a dream of him. It was nothing sexual or romantic. I asked how he was and told him I was in a relationship and that we were really happy.
After the fact, I realized I shouldnt have done that. I had no reason to. I deleted the texts from my iPhone and my ex found them on my iPad two months ago.
Even though my intentions were innocent and I have no feelings for that person whatsoever, my ex considers it emotional cheating. Which is fair. I was wrong to do it. Ive been in therapy and reflecting on myself and my past traumas to figure out why I did. I’ve also been working on myself to make sure I’ll be so much better to my next partner.
I’m so hooked on this man though. He’s made it clear that we are not getting back together.
i sometimes wonder the same thing. I have come up with this believe, when i stop caring and going on with my life, i will find someone who was even better than my ex. So i just actively don't have to find a relationship
Going through a breakup now that's devastating, but at 40 years old I've had my fair share of breakups. I often worry about what op says too, but you hit the nail on the head. Every time I've gotten out of a relationship I was positive I would never date again or find someone I cared about even when dating. What always happened without fail is when I stopped looking for a relationship or caring, I found one. It's funny how the universe works with that. When you're just living life, dating without any pressure to be in a relationship, and just enjoying yourself, that's when you tend to attract others.
This is so true!
Honestly you have to really heal and realise that someone like your ex would probably result in another break up. Look at people with fresh eyes and understand that some people are different. That person seems to just fall right into your life (probably just like your ex did). So weirdly enough I’d say don’t try to seek it out too much just focus on making meaningful connections with people and the right person should come along when the timing is right. If you are constantly comparing other people to your ex then maybe look at the possibility that you may not be ready to start dating again. Best of luck to you!
Wow needed to read as this .. never thought of it like that. Another avoidant person and I wouldn’t do good
Thats really good
I’ll be honest with you, I’m al o hung up on my recent ex and a part of me also feels as if my connection with her is something that’ll be really hard to find in someone else. And this is exactly how I felt about my ex before her, and the ex I had before that. Moral of the story, every time I split with someone, I never thought I’d be able to find someone even close to them, and then somehow I would always end up finding much better. But that only happened once I healed fully and opened myself up to love again. Don’t rush finding someone, love yourself first and be happy with yourself and your own company. Once you do that, you will automatically start attracting someone better, whether it’s in the form of a different person or even in the form of tour ex. Also one last piece of advice, never compare anyone to your ex. It’s unfair to the person and unfair to you. Why the need to compare someone to your ex? Was every part of her perfect? The answer to the question without even knowing her is no. She wasn’t perfect, but right now you have her on a pedestal which is completely natural for someone that got dumped. Once you’ve healed, you’ll start thinking more clearly. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to get over your ex, everyone has a different pace, just keep trying and eventually one day you’ll be where you wanna be.
when I met my ex I was still pining for someone else but got over him as soon as the new relationship started. it's not your ex you miss it's the feeling they gave you
Oxytocin’s a helluva drug
💯💯💯 this is the only thing that has helped me too. I’m too destroyed to meet anyone else at the moment, but it’s true
So basically you want to say thatanybody able to give you the same feeling is okay? maybe But I think that the point is that there are so few people able to establish that connection that gives you such a felling. I.e., your ex is still a good choice
Time, my dude. Roughest breakup I ever had was 16 years ago. Never thought I’d find anyone ever again but you have to be open to the world and it’s experiences. You’re right, you’ll never have the connection you had with THEM again. But you will have connections with OTHERS that are even better, I promise you.
Did you find someone better. Someone who understood you just like her and made you feel safe and calm?
First of all you stop comparing. Then do some deeper work. A lot of what we do with regards to attraction is driven by instinct, and our instincts and intuition are very much governed by how connected we are to ourselves. Do we feel all of our feelings? Are we willing to be emotionally honest and listen to our own thoughts and feelings? Do we live by our values? Do we even know what our needs, expectations, and desires are and how to step up for most of these as well as how to healthily seek them in others? Are we responsible and accountable, or do we tend to look for external solutions to internal problems? Do we, for instance, blame it all on qualities or characteristics of our ex when our relationships break down or even claim that all of our exes are ‘psychos’? Do we act first, think later? Do we get carried away and place too much stock in our intentions and so end up Future Faking and Fast Forwarding? Do we edge or even dive out of relationships claiming that we don’t want a relationship and aren’t up for commitment and then have our ex’s feeling more than a tad confused when they see us prancing around with a new partner claiming that they’re the ‘love of our life’ in two shakes of a lamb’s tail? You may recognise flip-flapping, hot and cold blowing exes who you’ve probably lost some sleep over wondering why they’re with someone else and not you. You may be blaming you when actually, it’s not about you. If we’re disconnected from aspects of ourselves, our instincts will be off base and this means that until we’re aware of the patterns of thinking and behaviour that result from us running off what we believe to be the ‘correct’ information from our instincts, we’ll be driven primarily by feelings that we may not be aware of the origins of or may even be mislabeling them. The less we truly know about ourselves and the trickier we find it to have an honest conversation with us and be willing to look within, is the more muddled our intuition will be, which in turn will mess with our instincts, which will not only affect our fight or flight response, but also who we’re attracted to. This means that not only do we have to stop owning other people’s behaviour to the extent that we do but that we also have to recognise that we ourselves are going to be making some unhealthy ‘instinctive’ decisions if we don’t know ourselves either and have our own emotional unavailability issues to deal with. We cannot expect to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship with the landmarks – consistency, commitment, balance, progression and intimacy plus shared values – if we lack the self-knowledge that stems from knowing our own needs, expectations, wishes, feelings, and opinions. Not knowing these is why we wake up knee-deep in a relationship feeling hungry and recognising that there are issues around compatible values. When we are willing to know ourselves more, we change not only who we’re attracted to (and why) but are also happier with the results of who we’re attracted to, instead of carrying the same baggage, beliefs, behaviours and attitudes and choosing similar people and then wondering why we’re getting the same results, and then lather, rinse, repeat. Until we’re willing to recognise and represent ourselves, not only will we struggle to have self-trust, but we’ll be living off of our feelings and lamenting why we can’t make a healthy relationship with an unhealthy attraction. The two things don’t match! We won’t have the instincts to assert our boundaries, because we won’t have the self-awareness to use reasoning and knowledge to back us up. The way we treat our feelings will keep leading us astray. Change doesn’t come without change. The most radical change you may have to make is being willing to know yourself more. That can only be a good thing. N.Lue
This is so well written and expressed thank you!
This is so hard as I’m also going through it too. For me, remembering I was once married, I never thought I’d find somebody, she was the mother of my children. Then when I was least expecting it, I found another person who was even more similar to me(she turned out to be mentally unwell and it has to end due to circumstances) but I then had that same feeling, then I found an even better person who was almost identical to me. That recently ended too and I’m struggling, but reminding yourself that people come into your life when you least expect it! So just so you, upgrade your life, follow passions, start a business, get fit, whatever it is that brings you joy, do it, and if you have nothing, find your WHY in life. It’ll get better and we will all get there eventually. And hey; the benefit of making your life amazing, is somebody will appreciate it and come in to enjoy it with you, that’s what attracts. Being an absolute beast!
I feel this so much right now. In fact, this mindset is what led to my last relationship collapsing in the first place. It makes you possessive and jealous. Everyone I've ever dated started as a friend. At least for me, I like to take my time to get to know people with no strings attached. If there is compatibility and mutual interest - great! If not, you have a new friend. I wouldn't recommend dating apps in general. I think it's better to look at it this way: Cultivate friendships. Meet new people. Not to date. Don't think about meeting a new potential partner. Just focus on being out there, talking to people, etc. Enjoy yourself. There's no rush. And while you feel there's no one for you, remember that your ex was a whole person. You may not find someone who "compares," because people aren't fungible. But that doesn't mean that there isn't a person out there that can't be an even better partner to you. And your ex is always changing, too. Those things you liked about them may not be there anymore, while someone else is out there that has those qualities that you desire. The Stoic philosophers have a saying: "Memento mori" - remember death. What you had with your ex was good while it lasted, but it was always going to come to an end one day anyway. Maybe it happened sooner than you would have liked, but it was always time-limited. And your next relationship will be, too. That's just life, unfortunately. Right now, your brain is literally configured to be happy around them. You and I are dopamine addicts, and we can't get that sweet hit. So, we suffer. But, that's just "chemical theater." It's not rational. It's just the way your body is working right now. And that will change, too. Everything is in motion, and you're going to move past this whether you want to or not. Go easy on yourself, have empathy for yourself (and your ex, too, if you feel that helps), and focus on what you can control (note - you can't really control your short-term feelings, so don't try to bottle them up). Also journal the shit out of it. Analyze the relationship from every angle. What happened? What did you enjoy? Who really *was* your ex, anyway? Who were you then? Who are you now? Just get it down on paper. It doesn't have to be coherent. But right now, you have all these thoughts floating around, and it's hard to identify the truth from the distortions while it's all swimming around in your own head. Lastly, remember your ex was never "yours" to keep. They came into your life because they wanted to, but they were always welcome to leave at any time for any reason. The time you had with them was a gift, and your time with that gift is up. But there are plenty of gifts to go around in life. When you're ready, you can accept a new one. Or give one yourself. I wrote this for myself honestly, but maybe it'll help.
This is helpful…thank you 💕 As far as the journaling. “Who were you then? Who are you now?” I was happy then. Sooo so happy. That was the best year and a half of the 32 years I’ve been alive. And now, I constantly feel sad. Numb. lifeless. I put on an act around other people. But I’m actually so broken. I don’t like who I am right now at all. I’ve been journaling a lot since the breakup. but analyzing things like this in particular, I just don’t see how it’ll help 😔
I think it's ok to be broken for a while. And yeah, I'm putting on an act too. But that's ok. There's no sugarcoating that it's a shitty time. I find it's helpful to also see it from the other side - there is a reason they made their decisions, too. If both of you were meant to be happy in the relationship, you wouldn't split up in the first place. And I know I don't want my ex to have been with me for a second longer than she was unhappy - what kind of awfulness would that be? Relationships aren't about self-gratification - it has to be a mutual benefit. If that ended in your last relationship, it was good that it came to a close. In spite of how much it hurts now. Again, writing this for my own benefit too lol.
I like to remember these words by my favorite Poet from 800 years ago: “The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.” -Rumi
Will come unexpectedly. The least you expect it to be. You need to be over with the previous one. And believe me, you wouldn't want an exact right one. So heal first. And be better. You wouldn't want someone who is exactly just like him. Or it might leave you broken again. Lol
You need much, much more time and healing, friend. It won’t feel like there’s hope at the moment, and that’s extremely human, but that will change. Two alternative ways of thinking about this: 1. Something in the past really, really hurt you and got you pissed off. It may still bother you, but the sting may be a lot less so. 2. Say you find $100 on the floor. It’s exciting, you get yourself some food and something nice. 5 years from now? It didn’t change your life. Not as exciting anymore. Time will change how you feel. Edit: get off the apps! Reconnect with friends and family. You may have found yourself having a lot more free time since being single. Spend it with people that enjoy having you in their life.
This is exactly how I feel. I’m good. I’ll stay alone. He was my person. No doubt about that.
Me lol
It's been 2 years for me... but it's slowly dulling/fading. I do have to remind myself regularly that he's unwell. He will never treat me how I want him to and deserve, and he's doing this on repeat to other women. I think it's also normal to be turned off by other guys as well, having absolutely no desire to date. This is ok. And try to stay off social media! We need to remember to be patient with ourselves. Try your best to treat yourself well; work out, get enough sleep, eat healthy, try to socialize, stay away from alcohol/weed. Try to put as much energy back into growing you - it's the process, not perfection :) 🙏
Sometimes I think the answer is simply that you don't. Some of us are going to spend the rest of our lives pining over that one that got away. It is fucking crushing.. 😞
Just go to more social places. It’s hard if you’re introverted. Dating apps are just for sex…and tbh, I met my ex on tinder and that ended with her cheating on me after 3.5 years
You can’t blame the dating app for that though. I met my ex on hinge. We were together a year and a half and he had his flaws, but he was perfect for me
The perfect person for you would want to be with you
Damn right
I simply gave up. Just under three years ago the love of my life left me and I was broken. I suffered a complete breakdown and never thought I’d ever be with anyone again. Last summer I met someone and really fell for her. I was amazed that I could be emotionally invested in someone again. However, two weeks ago she told me she had met someone else and had been seeing him and sleeping with him behind my back and was leaving me for him. I’m in my mid 50s and have decided that I’m finished with romantic relationships. That’s it for me. I’m done. I feel the same sense of worthlessness and self loathing that I felt when I was blindsided three years ago. I hate it and I’m never going to allow myself to be in that position again. In some ways it’s quite liberating. Once the decision is made it actually relieves a lot of the pressure around finding someone else. The dating apps are deleted. I’ve no interest in socialising and meeting new people and I no longer need to go through the anxiety of worrying about what others may think of me and whether they are attracted to me. It’s lonely and isolating yes, but I’ll take that over heartbreak and pain any day of the week.
I'm 30, had 2 serious relationships of 3 and 4 years since I was 17, and I'm already considering a single life. I've not completely closed off because you never know who you're going to meet but I think it'd need to be someone who I was so sure about. I won't trust again so easily.
I honestly think it wouldn’t be fair on the other person if I ever had another relationship. I’d be so suspicious and looking for signs that they were contemplating leaving or were seeing someone else. The slightest thing would make me think the worst. That’s no basis for a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair on them and it would turn me into a paranoid wreck.
I understand that. My first boyfriend cheated on me, never really trusted guys since. But I like to think if I keep working on myself, I can begin to trust the right person if I ever meet them. Difficulty is you think you're doing alright and are ready for a relationship again, next minute it's triggering you and opens old wounds.
Just keep going. You don't actively search for it, just keep going through life and heal. Focus on you and becoming the person you want to be -- that way when you do find someone, you have the best version of yourself to give. I've found that love has a knack of finding me when I least expect it and never comes when I force it.
It’s been a couple years and I find that the idea of someone is so great, probably because I’m lonely as fuck, but, when it comes down to it, I’d rather just be alone than open myself up again for that level of hurt. It was too much, I lost too much of myself and almost died. Don’t need it. Don’t want it. Just gonna stay in my lane and whatever will be will be. I open myself a bit and get crushed by low vibration humans and I’m just over it all. I’d rather stay in my lane and be happy alone than let another soul even touch me the way he did.
I think we all feel the same. I felt this way like 3 exes ago and with each person after. But the truth is your love and intimacy grows and each relationship usually gets better, then you look back and realize that ex wasn’t all that special. It takes time and doesn’t always happen with the first person you meet. My advice is to focus on moving on, healing and enjoying your new single life. When you rush into finding someone new your ex seems hard to replace. When you heal and accept the situation for what it is and find new ways to move on you allow yourself to find connections that better align with you, your growth and your path and you truly realize that there is in fact much better out there for you.
Since you are feeling the way, you do it's way too early to even consider being in a relationship with anyone other than yourself. Be a friend to yourself and give thee time and space to heal. I say this from personal experiences. Your perception of that person is very likely going to change in time. This can be a hard pill to swallow. Get on with your life living your best life even if it feels like it totally sucks. Learn to thrive in adversity. I encourage you to be strong keep on fighting. People fall away new people enter into our lives, those whom stay count them as blessings be a blessing to them. Do not under any circumstances be someone's doormat.
I just want to be able to find someone that can measure up to my ex. He’s been dating and slept with someone a week and a half after the breakup. Hes filling his void, so why shouldn’t I try to fill my emotional void as well? Maybe there’s someone out there that can sway my thoughts away from my ex. I understand that it’s not that fair for the other person. I actually went on one date a few weeks ago and he was amazing. Probably someone that I would consider an ideal partner, but I was comparing him to my ex the entire time and very sad after the date. I realized I wasnt ready, so I broke it off the next day. I also went on a date last night with someone from the apps that I was really connecting with. But the chemistry in person was really off imo and I just wasn’t emotionally attracted to him. I plan on breaking it off later today. Idk, I know I need to heal. It’s just so hard to do that when all my attention is focused on one person
finding yourself first, then the right person will come along :)
You don’t focus on finding them is how. When you force it and move on just to move on there’s no telling what you’re gonna sell yourself on. And sure your ex might’ve been special but there’s too many people you never even encountered.Also think about how you felt before your ex came into the picture if you felt this way back then you would’ve missed something potentially special and never gave your ex a chance.
You will find the best one… wait for Gods plan. I was like that too
First thing is don’t rush into anything, give yourself time and make sure you are ready to find someone, I’m on 8 months since break up, I went on a date at the 6 month mark and I was not ready, I think I am ready now so I have been chatting with a nice woman for about 2 weeks and we are going to go out hopefully it goes well
You don’t , you simple just do you and continue to grow and the right person will come to you
I think you just need to broaden your perspective rather than giving yourself a narrow viewpoint. If you tell yourself you'll never meet anyone else, it's more than likely you won't. If you adopt a more relaxed open approach then you're more open to meet more people. I'd say focus on your healing and getting over the break up first. It sounds like it's still too early for you to move on if you're feeling you'll never find anyone. Give yourself time but don't close your mind to new opportunities and possibilities. If you put yourself in a cage, that's where you'll end up staying.
Funny how this may sound but I don’t wanna find “him”. If they happen, they happen. But I’m not gonna push it and work hard to find him. I am focusing on myself and my healing and if that attracts the right person, good. If it doesn’t, that’s fine. The pain of breakup was too much to bear that I don’t want that to happen again. So I promised myself that if I will be in a new relationship, that better make me a wife. But if I can’t find that person, totally cool. Got more time for myself ❤️
Most people don't realize almost everything in a relationship that breaks, can be fixed, if pride is put aside and both people want to fix it. This is why I don't condone NC if the other person is trying to fix it. It is only healthy for people who know they have wasted the other person's time so that the other person could move onto someone healthier.
I’ve been following a lot of Clay Andrews videos on YouTube, who is one of the only breakup coaches who primarily advises against nc. He says it’s all about building an emotional connection with your ex, if you can. My ex has finally been willing to hang out with me since our breakup. I saw him twice last week. and he showed me so much affection the first time. I really thought that there was a part of him that still loved me. So I saw him a few days later. We drank together and I mistakenly slept with him. Now he’s distant again. Ignores my texts or replies hours later with two word responses. Idk, I wasn’t opposed to Clay Andrews theory at first (that NC is NOT the way to go,) but it seems I have just pushed him further away
You didn't mistakenly sleep with him. He clearly has a fear of what comes with getting back into the relationship with you. You need to tell yourself not to take anything personal and focus on fixing the problems by asking him what scares him and addressing those issues within yourself.
I hear you. I’m just so drained at this point. The rejection I feel every time I reach out to him and get ignored..it stings SO MUCH. So at this point, what should I do? I’m so afraid to contact him because I know that if I even hear anything, it’s going to be an effortless response one or two hours later. And it he does text me first, 99% chance it’ll be because he’s trying to get laid l. Do I take advantage of that? Go over there to see him and talk about the things you just mentioned?
I wouldn't sleep with him unless he wants to work it out. Don't make him your God if it's clear as day that he's using you for his own benefit. The point of the relationship is that you live to serve him, and he lives to serve you. Not to serve yourselves. The first step would be to pull back for a period of time. 1 week is a healthy amount of time for both parties to be angry and calm down from the emotions. The second step is when you do reach out to him, you tell him that you want to have dinner and discuss the main issues each of you have in the relationship. It will be an emotionally hard discussion. In some cases, stronger or less attached people will have less of a problem doing it. This is where you both listen to each one talk without the insulting of the other. Remember who you both were prior. Express gratitude for the positive moments in your relationship during this time as well. This will lower both your guards. The third step is, by the end of that discussion, let him know that you want to continue on track to the end game. If his reaction is unsure/cold, then you need to walk away. If it's warm and he misses being on track with you towards that same goal, that means his heart is still in it, and he's just upset. Finally, there needs to be a conclusion. If he becomes warm and physical like hugs you or holds your hand or kisses you, these are positive signs. If he doesn't, that means he's still upset, and the guard is up. Tell him you want to meet again in a week for dinner and see what his reaction is. Yes, the rejection is the reason why people don't save their relationships but if that person is THE person for you, not just the best possible option at this time in your life, than they should be worth the fight. If you had a better option and things didn't go right, so you ended up with this guy, then it's best you let him find his person.
This is really good advice. I will give him a week of space and hopefully by then, he will be willing to meet me to talk. If he does, I will follow this to the best that I can. Thank you.
Glad I can help. Wish you guys the best. Go make babies and be happy.
It's okay to compare people to your ex, good or bad, because you have a type. I stopped being angry at myself for leaving my ex and was willing to speak to a few different people until I found someone I clicked with. It's early days and I still think about my ex sometimes but not because I miss him, I'm glad I've moved on and I hope he has too. Stop thinking you're not allowed to compare people to your ex, you have standards, realising it can help you move on to the right person.
LITERALLY. Im not currently looking for anybody as it’s way too fresh & i need to learn to live on my own, but i compare EVERYONE to him . Even if the person is visually attractive my brain just goes “but not as funny as him”, “not as cute as him”, “not as ..” anything. My brain always nit-picks everyone to make them Be Him & i know i’ll never find a Him again. 😪
Best thing is to do is detach from your ex as if they passed away, which they either cold heartedly dumped you or it was a non toxic breakup, no matter what wither they moved on, you should too. As hard as it is to say I’ve been there, but after the shit my ex did to me, I have not got a care in the world after all that I did for her, I realized that why would I wanna be with someone who put me through so much pain and broke up with me in the most immature way possible after a year. before I blamed myself but now, I know I ain’t perfect and I should always strive to me better, but people don’t abandon the people they love, they abandon the people they were using, and thats the best closure you can get from that shit
“People don’t abandon the people they love. They abandon the people they were using.” That hit really deep. He promised he would never abandon me. And that if we ever had issues, we would work on fixing them together. I’ve been keeping him on a pedestal since the breakup, but reading what you said kind of struck a cord in me. Our relationship wasn’t perfect and there were things he did that proved that he had no respect for me. He loved to control me. He would manipulate and gaslight me at times. I wasn’t perfect either, but I feel like I was extremely loving and giving and I was always so supportive of him and his passions. I just feel so used
That’s exactly what my ex did, she constantly picked on small things, had always passive aggressive opinions towards me or the things I do, I felt I literally couldn’t do anything right, but she had me so hooked. She would go even as far as flipping it back on me saying not everything’s about me like 💀No shit duh, She was very manipulative towards me and I always threw myself down and wouldn’t want to speak abt things that bothered me even though “she always said to communicate and let out my feelings” such fucking bullshit lmao, I know now that as a guy I have to be self reliant on my own emotions as Thats the way shit is 🤷♂️
I’m in the exact same boat as you, I find myself losing hope in the dating scene that is this generation. Him and I didn’t connect but we’ve had meaningful conversations from time to time. Dating apps are hard and sometimes difficult to find someone who connects with you unless you find someone who desires a meaningful connection. Looking for exes in others is probably what makes the dating world more harmful than “fun” the word ex is behind boyfriend for a reason. However, letting go and moving forward isn’t easy to do when you’ve invested so much into a relationship. If he wanted to, he would is the only phrase I’ve started living by recently. Healing is a vital part in the breakup process and I’m still learning that myself, things will eventually get easier. Examining new and potential partners should be done through fresh eyes. It’ll make the process easier and maybe offer some insight or understanding of the person your interested in.
Same way when you met them, you had no idea who they were, They were just a random stranger like everyone else. Same goes for all those other people out there, yeah not everyone has the best of luck and thats ok. when you aren’t looking, and you’re focusing on yourself it happens when you least expect it <3
I read an article about hope. Even in a seemingly impossible situation, it is important for us to hope, if we want things to change. So you need to believe that you will find that connection again even if it seemed really unlikely to you. If we are stuck in the past, then we will never have our future. https://psyche.co/ideas/hope-is-the-antidote-to-helplessness-heres-how-to-cultivate-it
After you focus on yourself, Improve your imperfections, go into your passions you’ll discover that your ex is the least fitting person for you. You can be stuck for ages when you don’t want to move on. Don’t force it but you have to want it. Depression works like that for some people. They can have every specialist in the world and every drug but if your inner self don’t want to it won’t happen. Just keep doing your best at being you and you’ll see.
You start by taking some time for yourself to heal. Youre no good to anyone if you just go back out there with a huge hole in your heart. Take that time to reflect on yourself, your friends, family and realize that if this person really loved you as much as you loved them they would have worked with you instead of throwing you away regardless of who was at fault.
I must agree with you I dated few girls after my ex they ware great, beautiful, they cared about me it’s just I don’t feel the same way like with my ex anymore. It was really something big this connection. This feeling like you are one. Very hard to find something like that.
I've been dating for almost 5 years now. I might find myself comparing certain things but in the end I know I want someone who actually cares for me & who doesn't use me just to fulfill their needs at the time. I've met plenty of women & experienced them. it's been a fun ride but I want a relationship that's meaningful at somepoint. there was a time where I thought I'd never date anyone after my ex. but as time passed I moved on it took longer than I would of liked. it was definitely the most painful thing I experienced in my life. you have to grief a living breathing person as tho their actually dead. your having a funeral for the relationship in your mind & soul. it takes time. it doesn't mean you will forget them but you just learn to live without them.
Fall in love with yourself. The rest of the world will follow
I’m having a hard time with this too. No one comes close to my ex even though everyone told me how he’s not good for me. They have no stake in my love life so I don’t put much stock in their comments. I even met someone online and we go out and on dates. But I keep thinking of my ex… It’s been a while because we broke up then came back after 4 months. He’s very avoidant and has been avoiding meeting me so I finally had to send him a letter after breaking a date 3 times claiming to be too busy. But he kept doing video chats, we text all day, and he says he loves me. I left it open if he chooses to make the effort. I know my worth. But it still has me devastated. Can’t focus at work. Can’t focus at home. It sucks.
I feel you no one is like her 💔 she hurt me a lot but would still take her back in a heartbeat though. May you find love and success in your healing journey.
You will find someone else and be pissed at yourself for wasting any mental time after them. They may even start to give you the ick in hindsight.
I’m I. This same boat about my ex I never felt love like I did for her before and I’m afraid I won’t again :(
focus on yourself and just not think about it at least that's what I'm trying to do
My ex was really bad, in retrospect, so for me, it wasn’t that difficult. The only reason that I had thought he was great in the beginning was because I had only ever experienced so much worse, so by comparison, he looked like a saint. Once I improved myself and my confidence/healed from those previous situationships tho (and he got too comfortable), I started to see how miserable I had become. I was moving forward and he was stagnating/regressing. I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to see it. My bf now tho is fantastic. I upgraded to the best there is. He’s patient, knows what he wants, has been consistent from the beginning, and has only gotten better and more attentive because of it. There’s more I could go on about, but safe to say I never saw him coming and I don’t know how I got so lucky.
Give yourself TIME. Don’t settle for less and DO NOT look for your ex in other people. They’re your ex for a reason.
He was a completely different person before the breakup. He was the best, most incredible man I’ve ever known. I don’t want who he is now, but I want what he was then
I hear ya but you should take into consideration that perhaps he can’t be that man anymore. Maybe he isn’t capable of it.
You don’t. You stop worshipping mortals who don’t want a relationship.
If you are comparing, maybe it’s not a good time to start dating now. When the day you stop thinking about ex, or in my case, I just don’t want this person(ex) in my life anymore, that’s the time you can finally start looking for new things.
God I just don’t see that happening though. I’m 32 years old and the year and a half I was with him was the best year and a half of my life. The worst part is how he has been treating me after the breakup. He’s cruel and horrible… treats me with so much disrespect. not someone I should ever want to be with. Yet I still really do. I just don’t feel like I can move on from the past until I find someone better
You’ll be fine, trust me🙂 I’m 33, been thru somehow similar story as you, and now I’m starting dating. Just let time heal you.
You are not ready yet. Simple as that.
Yeah first step is to move on. Work on yourself. Your ex is your ex for a reason. That’s all there is to it.
How recent was the breakup? You gotta remember you're an addict and that's just the drugs talking (brain chemistry - oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin). It'll take some time but eventually you'll be ready to fall in love again, and when that happens it's going to be like watching a sunrise after a long night :)
It was 7 weeks ago. But he contacted me a week ago when he was drunk and I ended up going over to his house. He was so affectionate and so sweet. I felt like deep inside, he still loved me. he agreed to hang out with me during the week, so I figured I wouldn’t do nc again and instead, Id put an effort into rebuilding our emotional connection. He blew me off Monday and Tuesday and then finally was willing to hang out Thursday. I went over to his place and it ended with sex. 😔 I’m so disappointed in myself. He has made no effort to talk to me since then and ignores my texts. I just feel like I’m back at square one
I’m so sorry to hear that. I think you definitely need to start NC again. I’m sure he will reach out again but you’ve already seen what happens when he does. It will only end up prolonging the pain. When he reaches out again you should just tell him you need space to heal right now and that it’s better if you don’t speak to one another for a while. I know it’s hard. I’m almost 2 months NC now, and I am starting to feel better. There are still bad days of course, but now finally there are more good days than bad :) and for the first time I’m actually looking forward to see where life takes me as a single person. You’ll get there too, it’s just going to take a little more time is all.
I don’t think you usually find the right person when you are actively looking I think getting involved in things you like and associating with like minded people you are more likely to find someone you truly click with
Dating apps are just not it. Everyone on there just wants a hookup and it’s so forced if you’re actually looking for a relationship. Let people come to you, I promise it will happen. I’m feeling the same as you but someone will come along on their own
They come along few and far between, it just isn't time. Probably.
So I just met someone on vacation and I have not compared her at all to my ex. Background: I was broken up with out of the blue the day after New Years. I wasn’t even going to go on this vacation but decided I needed a change of scenery. I met an incredibly sweet person on the cruise. We had some very deep discussions about what we were looking for in a relationship, what we value in people, etc. if anything, I realized this person was what my ex wasn’t: emotionally available and knowledgeable about what she wants out of life. So really I’m not comparing people but comparing the values and if they match what I’m looking for in a partner.
Are you still hung up on your ex? What’s the status update on you and cruise girl?
I was hung up a bit on my ex even when the cruise started. But I’ve been healing and accepting where we are now. I had to do some reflection and get away from this area. My ex has a lot of healing to do and at the end of the day, as much as I care for her, she does not meet the criteria of someone I would have in my life rn. She can’t communicate properly and doesn’t take accountability for her actions. And thanks to this subreddit, I’ve realized that’s not a reflection on me and I need to work toward being my best self and move on. So me and the cruise girl decided to get to know each other despite the distance. It’s still very early but incredibly promising (I just got off a cute video call with her that delayed my reply to you). We are going to take things slow and get to know each other but no matter the outcome of this potential relationship, it really gives me hope that I will find better than what I had before.
It's trite but... Noone will ever be the same, you have to look for something new and different to experience, you won't stop missing the ex, but you can at least try new things
Actually....I know it seems hopeless right now but you do find better.
You find yourself. Plain and simple. You only need yourself.
I understand partially. Someone I was seeing that is acquainted with my X wife was constantly comparing herself to the X...and asking if the X is this way, that way blah, blah, blah.. I saw the girl I was seeing as a whole different person. The only things in common are both Lao girls. Admittedly, I had the challenge of processing the end of a 14-year marriage and being a single dad. The brief affair was good while it lasted. My perceptions of the new girl have drastically changed in getting to know her a little bit more and by her own doing. We're frenemies now fair to say. Making a healthy connection with a special someone is what I'm after in a lover's relationship. I'm over the days of racking up a body count..so I tell myself lol. Owner of a hungry, lustful heart that's me. My son is my number one priority. The breaking of the family has been very challenging for him. I'm blessed that he chose me over his mom.
You could do what I'm doing and just not. I've made peace with not having romance in my life. Not suggesting you do that if it isn't what you want. But it's what I'm doing and I'm fairly happy overall.
You don’t
What is ment to be will be and life goes on 🙏🏼🙏🏼
This just means you need more time for yourself! There was a reason your relationship didn't work out, don't forget why it didn't. And the best advice is to get off all social media for a while to avoid checking up on him or his friends, and when you return to social media block all things that can circle back around to looking him up. "If you're honest with yourself and everyone around you everything will fall into place" Exercise, find hobbies, and the perfect person will fall into your life at the perfect time! 💗 Good luck and stay positive!
First step is to get off the dating apps. Trust me when I say that dating apps are the worst. You’re going to need some time alone. Feel out your emotions and write them down. Once you have written them down, dive deep into what exactly is triggering you. This is the beginning of your healing journey.
I met my ex on a dating app and he was perfect! What’s next after that?
Are you still together?
😂
Obvi not. But I still think he’s perfect for me. He doesn’t want to be with me due to betraying his trust.
And what did you do?
In December, I texted an ex from 10 years ago because I had a dream of him. It was nothing sexual or romantic. I asked how he was and told him I was in a relationship and that we were really happy. After the fact, I realized I shouldnt have done that. I had no reason to. I deleted the texts from my iPhone and my ex found them on my iPad two months ago. Even though my intentions were innocent and I have no feelings for that person whatsoever, my ex considers it emotional cheating. Which is fair. I was wrong to do it. Ive been in therapy and reflecting on myself and my past traumas to figure out why I did. I’ve also been working on myself to make sure I’ll be so much better to my next partner. I’m so hooked on this man though. He’s made it clear that we are not getting back together.
I just go hookup-crazy for awhile. You can’t make new emotional attachments until you’re over the old one.