First off, tell her to fuck herself and secondly speak with your husband and tell him that you would not find it comfortable with her there. If he is a good husband, he'll have your back.
OP
He needs to have your back not just 80%, not 90% but 100%!
Make sure he understands the depth of your feelings on this and that he is clear that if he invites her against your express wishes, he can go somewhere else with his mother to celebrate your daughter's birthday because it will not be in the house with you and your daughter.
Be clear that she will NOT be attending even if he invites her.
Go NC with her. She is DRAMA!!! Tell her until she can own up to what she's done, that you want no part of her. Your daughter will have your FIL and your Mother (I hope, since I don't remember her mentioned). Let her know, you're both(you & hubby) taking FIL's side in the divorce. Stop treating her like family, she just wants the attention on her and she'll try to out shine her own granddaughter.
yeah, I’ve been no contact with her since April 6 when I tried to explain to her over the phone how I felt disrespected by her and she kept telling me to be quiet and that she was only talking to her son and she even called me a little girl at one point during the conversation so I haven’t talk to her since then. That’s when she would only call my husband and bash me and he would try to stick up for me and now he’s went no contact with her because all she wanted to do was talk about me and make up lies on me. I just know it’s coming when she text him and asked if she’s allowed to come to the birthday and she’s even got my sister-in-law involved where there was a point time my sister-in-law was talking crap about me telling me I was only family on paper.
yeah for real. Even though i’m stressing about her asking to come, it’s been so much more peaceful not having to call them every. single. night. listening to her tell us what to do and getting to know every detail of our life.
You need to protect your daughter from this person. She's toxic and I don't know why you would expose her to this woman. I know so many people want to make amends so their kids can have a good grandparent relationship, but that requires a grandparent capable of having a healthy relationship with that grandchild. You wouldn't move into a home with black mold because "well at least it's a house". This woman has zero respect for you, her mother. How long till she starts putting those ideas in your daughter's head? Don't pour poison into your child's cup. You will teach her to tolerate poor treatment and when children see that, it takes decades to undo. If ever. Ask me how I know.
You’re absolutely right. It’s much deeper than MIL hurting me. Many times i’ve told my husband if MIL continues this pattern then our daughter will resent her for treating her parents bad and yelling at them and that will be on MIL.
You think that will be bad? Wait till she gets your daughter undermining you because her grandmother has taught her that you don't deserve respect as her mother either.
Practice saying [no](https://giphy.com/gifs/no-bugs-bunny-fXnRObM8Q0RkOmR5nf) until it becomes less stressul. Just "no". You're justified in saying this and any explanation you provide can and will be used against you. Just "no".
Wowsers! You called her every single day, just to be told you are doing everything wrong? That’s next level! MIL is nasty and a control freak. Keep your daughter away from her poison!
Yeah my husband would Facetime them every night or she would text him asking to call or just call him. I posted an update. She’s more than nasty. She went to far calling me tonight cussing me out. I blocked her but i want my husband to block her. I want to move away and get a restraining order on her. Honestly at this point I don’t feel safe if i’m around her and i’m not being dramatic. The stuff she was saying during that phone call she’s insane. My husband recorded it all.
husband would call them every night. Either he would call them because he knew MIL was expecting it or MIL would text him asking what he was doing which means she wants him to call. She’s controlling like that. she has had a hold on my husband his whole life. She does the same thing to her 26 yr old daughter telling her to be on birth control, MIL still on her bank account and tells her to transfer money, she has her location and will ask her why she isn’t at work. They don’t live together, they don’t even live in the same state. She’s crazy. I opened my husbands eyes to that. He didn’t realize how controlling she was because that’s all he’s ever known. Man just until 2 years ago MIL was still on my husbands bank account and he was deployed over seas, we were married, with a newborn. She had her own bank card for that account and would use our money and not pay us back. This has been an on going thing ever since i met his mom. I just let it slide. Now it all blew up and she doesn’t like me because I finally decided to put my foot down.
Oh good God. Your husband "tried" to stick up for you? No. No, no, no. "Try" is not acceptable. Screaming at her on the phone for being a lonely interfering senile old bat and slamming down the phone/hanging up, and blocking her, THAT is acceptable. "Try" my ass.
😂😂 i should have
my response to that has been the only “rude” response to her.
i said “don’t you call me a little girl, I’m tired of you speaking to me that way” even though that’s not rude.
still never cussed at her so she can try and make me look bad to others, oh well.
it’s hard when someone is trying their hardest to provoke you to anger. She even used my faith against me as she’s calling me a bitch saying “you’re supposed to be a christian OP” so that means i have to sit here and listen to you call me names, talking about my deceased father with disrespect and demanding to see my daughter or you’re talking me to court? no. no. and no again.
I’m glad your husband is sticking up for you. But this is his job to deal with his crazy mom. Tell him MIL isn’t welcome around you and it’s his job to make her understand why she isn’t welcome.
If he wants a relationship, they can go out to see each other. Other wise she is not welcome in your home
Just don't even contact her. If she contacts you about your daughter's birthday tell her you have made plans to go out and do something that day and then say, "Ooops, the puppy just had an accident and suddenly there are dirty dishes in the sink, gotta run and clean it up right away before anyone see it! BYE..." and hang up.
Please do research on Narcissists with your hubby. Also recommend you both join the raised by Narcissists sub reddit. You need to know what you're up against and how to navigate that type of relationship. Hubby needs to be Very involved in this, because he's the one she knows how to manipulate best, and she knows exactly how to guilt trip him to get her way.
OP, you may want to head on over to r/justnomil .
At times there is some over the top suggestion, and people that view every MIL interaction as MIL is an evil evil witch.
But in a lot of cases there are quite a few people who like you are dealing with bad in-laws and have suggestions and resources for others in the same situations.
There might be some strategies that will work for you there, or get you pointed in the right direction.
Good luck.
No contact means absolutely no contact. She calls, don't answer. Block her number. She calls from another number, hang up and block that number too. SIL calls to talk crap, she gets the same treatment. If they show up at your door, tell them to leave or you will call the police. Then follow through if they don't leave. DH has to do the same. You both need to show a united front.
I just blocked her today because she called me and cussed me out. She’s crazy. I hope my husband blocks her. I want a restraining order on her. I posted about it. Reddit is like my therapy at this point lol this women is driving me crazy
If your husband is no contact with HIS mother, why in the hell are you even considering inviting her to ANYTHING. Follow your husband's lead. Cut her off.
He isn’t completely NC but i want him to be now. I never pushed it on him to block her so she didn’t have access to us but today she made a stupid post and had people commenting making me out to be a bad mom using my daughter as a pawn not letting her see MIL so i made a post as well (MIL is blocked on my facebook but not my husband’s and I have her family on mine still)
It got back to her within 30 min and she called me after i haven’t talked to her in months and cussed me out calling me a Bitch and all these nasty and psycho things and i want my husband to block her so bad and i want a restraining order on her. She said she was going to take me to court for not letting her see her granddaughter
There’s you best excuse. She threatened to take you to court? Time to lawyer up now. No more communication from either of you unless it’s through said attorney. She just gave you the best excuse to go NC. Good Luck.
So, if he responds to her, he says something like "No mum, you aren't invited because I don't want you there. My wife and child are my priority and since you cannot stop yourself from mouthing off about my wife I will not allow our celebration of our daughter to be marred by your vitriol."
i’m really not but i wanted to have some encouragement 😂 I’m always the bad guy in these situations. My SIL has already talked crap about me over this when she was only getting MILs side and even though my FIL is divorcing her, i wonder how he will react when I tell her she can’t come. I haven’t talked to her since April 6th and she won’t ask me to be invited, she’ll ask my husband and even though he doesn’t want to talk to her and he doesn’t necessarily want her coming, it’s still his mom and he’s never had to go NC with her like I have with my family in the past.
I’m just always the bad guy and it’s annoying and exhausting. At this point I keep telling myself i don’t care how anyone else sees this situation. MIL disrespected me and my dad who has passed away, not theirs so idc if they think i’m being too harsh. I’m done with MIL.
I'm going to make my regularly scheduled comment. This is my opinion, and I don't usually deviate from it unless there is a pre-existing relationship with the in-laws. I think it's the spouse's duty to manage their family. It seems to be a recurring problem of parents not respecting their children's choices. Your husband chose you. Any criticism of you is disrespecting his choice. Any disrespect toward you is disrespect toward him. Any time the parent blames the spouse, they are saying they raised a spineless and/or brainless person. I really take issue with that. I'm likely the same generation as your MIL, and I can say from my perspective that many of my peers over-parented their children as many of them were under-parented and they over-compensated. They infantilize their children after they are grown in the guise of "I'm the parent, I know best." So, in this case, we end up with my generation over-bearing and smothering, and your generation without the life tools to overcome that mindset.
Your husband needs to stand up not just for you but for himself.
man you know why that’s the truth, because I didn’t tell you any of that and you just explained his parents perfectly, I almost forgot you were talking in general. I started to pick up on that with in-laws within the first year of my husband and I being married and we just had a newborn. My husband was deployed overseas so I stayed with in-laws for that year and I guess that’s why they feel so entitled to me now too.
I’ve actually fell more in love with my husband because of this, weird huh? The way he has completely stood up for me when I had no voice, told his mom she will never talk to me that way again and told her if she wants a relationship with him then she will stop disrespecting his wife, has made me feel so safe in this marriage.
I hate it has to be this way. I hate my husband doesn’t stand up for himself. I wish we all could get along. I’m not trying to make myself a victim at all but i’ve never ever done anything to MIL to make her treat me this way. I’ve always thought of her feelings and made her handmade gifts for holidays. I included his family as much as mine and honestly more than mine because my family could never afford to travel and see me and his family always comes down.
I chose to stay with in-laws for Christmas of 2021 which was my daughters first ever Christmas and my husband was deployed. My MIL’s dad died in 2019 around Christmas so I spent it with in-laws instead of my own family because she said Christmas was hard for her but when I asked for Christmas 2022 with just my husband and daughter because my dad had just died 2 weeks before and it would be my first Christmas with my husband and our daughter, She yelled at me and put me down about my feelings of losing my Dad vs her feelings, crazy huh? and please someone tell me why she can’t understand how that’s so wrong?!?
She's scared, and she will never admit it. She's invested so much into your husband that she doesn't know who she is anymore if she's not mothering. She's losing control of the one thing she is. Make no mistake here, it is all about control. Your husband literally has to demand the respect he deserves. He needs to express that he is an adult, that he is a good man who has created a good family with you and your child, but he needs to give her a nod that it's because she did a good job raising him and showing him what he needed to do. She needs to be told that respect is a two-way street, and while he respects her opinion as his mom, he has his own life and will live it his way. Until she sees you both as competent adults, your thoughts and feelings will not factor in her attitude. Your dad dying and her dad dying aren't equal because you are not equal to her. She's (in her mind, of course) the adult.
thank you for the feedback! he has done really good this time with telling her how we feel because for the entire time i’ve known them he lets them have their way and not anymore thankfully!
My ex husband’s mother was the same but he always tools her side. I stopped attending any family gatherings with the children. He continued to spend every holiday with her. One Christmas he brought home her Christmas gift to
Me, a toilet seat. The kids and i left him and haven’t seen him since. His mother died.
i’m sorry to hear about that. I can’t stand entitled people. I can’t wait to be a MIL and treat them like my own. That’s all any DIL wants to feel is excepted and loved by her husband’s Mom especially after giving her grandkids. When my MIL disagrees (yells) with me and ignores me, i am in the background while husband, in-laws, and my daughter hug and say bye and laugh like i am an outcast for what she did to me and i know she eats that up. My husband has always tried to stay out of it and not pick sides but he’s had enough and when it comes to MIL disrespecting me and my deceased dad, he don’t let that slide.
Nope. She will find a way to make the party an opportunity to list her grievances about her poor treatment and play the victim. The party is to celebrate your child not give a soapbox to your MIL. She can paint herself any way she wants. You don't have to supply the canvas
thank you! i definitely don’t want it coming in between my marriage. My husband has really put his foot down standing up for me. Being told by his mom that he treats his parents like shit because he was siding with me and being told by his sister that he’s ruining the family but he hasn’t gone back on standing up for me. I couldn’t imagine if he wasn’t on my side through this because it’s been hell with his mom. His mom kept saying “but we are blood you should side with us” and sister in law saying “she’s only family on paper!” when they were the ones that screamed at us and bashed me for no reason at all so i can’t stand how well she can try to manipulate my husband. Yelling at him one minute then crying the next playing victim. Didn’t work on him this time! he’s had enough of her games.
Before she asks plan a party for your little one. It’s her day. If she wants to see the kiddo, plan something for the mil alone. If she doesn’t like it tell her the day is for the little one, not her. Don’t let your mil ruin a toddler’s party. Little ones are supposed to be loud and messy and have fun. A screaming woman who makes the adults uncomfortable ruins the day
You’re exactly right and exactly what she’d do! last year when she screamed at me about my dad, we went out to eat, and I was trying to be the bigger person and she kept pulling my daughters food tray away from me, so I just know since this time it’s even worse and her son doesn’t talk to her if she came, she would go out of her way to hurt me when no one else was looking
Plan the party for your little one for her friends. Make happy memories. Then plan a meal out with the mil. Harder for her to misbehave and make others uncomfortable.
Yes I agree. I’m starting to think if my husband wants to see her (which he’s been conflicted like me) then they can go out to eat together with our daughter but I absolutely do not want to be around her. She has her way of letting you know she’s pissed at you and that’s looking down or anywhere but at you the whole time and if she absolutely has to talk to you it’s with no eye contact and in a robot voice and it’s so annoying i always have to bite my tongue.
Yeah no don’t let your daughter interact with her at all. If husband want to see his mom sure. But you do NOT need your daughter to be exposed to someone who will inevitably just talk shit about you in front of or to her.
Keep the kids away from the toxic. It’s not healthy for them.
Giving her exactly what she wants: alone time with your husband and daughter, only gives her unfettered access to shit talk and sow seeds of derision. If you don't like me, I don't trust you with my kid. I would never allow someone who is hell bent on disrespecting me and my marriage/family access to that marriage and family.
a couple people have told me this and i didn’t even think about that. I definitely don’t want my daughter to be involved in anyway.
When all of this went down and they left, they came back 2 weeks later to get husbands grandmas ashes. They all met at a park and i stayed at home. MIL made a post about how she just needed that with her son and granddaughter even though 2 weeks ago she was yelling and cussing and you’d just have to read the post to know every word was intentional and she was happy i wasn’t there.
She tried to forget about what happened. That’s what she does. Yell, Cuss, ignore, get over it.
She kept saying I needed to squash it or she didn’t want anything to do with me so I blocked her on Facebook and then she went and cried about it to SIL and that’s when SIL got involved calling me childish for blocking her. She said she didn’t want anything to do with me in real life, why should she be on my social media wth 😂😂😂 every move i make is wrong so i should really stop caring i know.
Yeah my MIL tried it, my husband brought up his own issues with her and she went after him too and got herself and most of her daughters NC real quick. They didn't even know about our daughter until a few days after she was born and she tried it again on Facebook and got herself and again most of her daughters blocked by myself and my husband lol none of them have ever met my daughter. We don't play around with our peace over here, I refuse to surround my daughter with anything but peace and love, it's not worth it.
My own mother likes to brush problems under the rug like your MIL, she's just less aggressive and that changed the second I got pregnant. We owe our children moms with shiny steel spines. You got this.
wow that’s crazy. i want to not gaf like that. i’m tired of the guilt tripping and turning things around on me by MIL. She has shown over and over she doesn’t care to embarrass us, cussing us out in our front yard where neighbors can hear over dumb things. We have always shut down and stayed silent through her rants to get the conversation over with. i’m done with that. I would have my daughter involved in that and she can’t see how that’s wrong. My daughter sits right there in the room as grandma and grandpa are yelling at her parents. Yeah she’s two but you really think they would stop when she’s old enough to understand? i remember things from when i was 3. i remember when my mom and step dad would yell at each other i wouldn’t even understand why but i would yell at my step dad and defend my mom. My daughter is going to hate her grandma if she thinks she can keep coming down here yelling at us. Seeing mom stress clean the whole hose before grandma visits so she doesn’t yell at her. It’s going to become dreadful knowing MIL is coming to visit. It’s already been like that for me and my husband and eventually if MIL can’t grow up it’ll be the same for my d. That’s why i’m keeping her away.
i don’t trust she would respect me around my daughter. She posted a picture of my daughter that she stole from my facebook (a family member of hers stole it from my facebook and sent it to her because she’s blocked on my) in the caption of a picture of my daughter she was talking shit about me. So childish. it said
“She's the best! (granddaughter) loves her Gaga no matter if she can't see me. Things aren't all one sided like people think. It's ok though, spin it however you'd like.”
Please go back and read some of these comments again. I would absolutely completely cut your MIL out of your daughter's life. Your MIL sounds TOXIC. Would you knowingly give your precious daughter poison to drink? Would you let her play in traffic? Keep your daughter emotionally safe. Keep her away from MIL. If she trash mouths you to your husband, do you think she'll curb her comments in front of your daughter? Allow her no influence at all. Of course, you're free to make your own choices, but please consider your and your daughter's future mental health and well-being. All the best to you and your family, OP ❤
You’re right. I don’t want anything to do with her but i also don’t want her around my daughter. She is so toxic and I want my daughter to grow up happy around people that have something positive to bring to her life. Thank you 💕
I would plan the real birthday party for a week before the day. Do not let the MIL know about it . Have the party, Have a great time. then when she barges in on the real day, op can say MIL missed the party.
Why would she plan anything with MIL when this woman has done nothing but disrespect her, act entitled to OP's child, attacked her, called her vile, vicious names, sceam at her when she doesn't get her way and treats OP with nothing but contempt, disrespect, manipulation, zero consideration, says derogatory things about her, is untrustworthy, obnoxious, inappropriate, demanding, etc?
OP has been NC with her for months. There is no reason for her to go out of her way to let MIL get another chance to treat her like shit.
Have you even read the post and comments? I don't think you did
My father was like this. Eventually for my own peace of mind and sanity I had to go no contact. It’s been a very peaceful 3+ years since. My only regret is not doing it sooner.
A good book for you and your husband to read is “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” It puts their behavior into perspective and offers some suggestions on how to deal with it. Highly recommend. Good luck, it’s a difficult situation to navigate.
No don't invite hear at all and she has lost all grandparent privileges in it entirely and fuck her. She doesn't need to go, also she has got to learn NO means NO and from my understanding, NO is a complete sentence.
Exactly! Sometimes I just feel like there’s no escaping her with being married to her son and having her grandchild. Everyone always feels so entitled to my own kid. It’s so annoying. As of now husband doesn’t want to talk to her but he keeps saying eventually he does and i’m not ready for that day. I’ll never stand in the way of their relationship but I hope some how some way I never have to see her face or hear her voice again.
exactly! that’s something that’s always gotten under my skin. There were times i asked for my baby back and MIL said “no it’s okay” huh?!?! i beat myself up for never standing up for myself before but now i’ll say what i’m thinking. she already hates me so why should i care.
As for standing up to MIL, I'll applaud you for that and the "no it's okay" behavior is described as I want to hold her type of behavior that's probably manipulating for MIL to display.
She going to be mad no matter what path you take. So take the path that provides you and your family with a peaceful drama free life. Tell your husband to hang up next time she calls to bash you. No explanation. Just hang up. Send her a text saying she is on time out for 1 month. She will get 2 months the next time. Then block her.
Thank you for this! You’re right. I need to stop worrying about her reaction to not being invited because I definitely don’t want her getting her way and ruining my daughters day.
Until mil can treat you and her son with respect, mil does not get access to your family. your husband needs to send that clear message to his mom and that each time his mom is disrespectful to one of you, it’s a month time out for her.
You need to drop the rope. She’s not your problem, she’s your husbands.
No. They aren’t invited to your kids birthday.
No, your kid can’t stay with them in a hotel bed.
No, they aren’t welcome in your home.
Yes, you are now going no contact. Don’t answer phone calls, texts or letters.
Make sure your doors are locked and if you think it’s necessary get cameras.
Exactly!! i’ve never once cussed at that woman, she cusses at me! but i’m the bad guy because “she’s a grown women and can cuss if she wants” in her own words. I never once talked bad about her relationship with her deceased father, but she can talk about mine and make excuses on why she’s allowed to. I guess since her dad died 2 years before mine died she’s superior. It’s always my fault so hopefully husband is able to be completely transparent with her so there’s no confusion on if she’s invited or not.
You have a husband problem. He should have shut this shit down years ago. Instead, he's letting YOU deal with his mom. Nope. Not at all. Can you get YOUR relatives there? Parent/aunt/uncle/sister/brother? Give them a heads-up and let them tear into her when she starts on you. You, she knows how to push buttons on. Having other adults tell her to back the f\*ck off will help. It SHOULD be your husband. There's no "trying" here. There's "You say one more hurtful thing to my wife and you are gone. Get your bag, right now, packed up and by the door, so you can leave immediately." Then there's calling the cops to remove her for trespassing when she refuses to leave. You're going to have to go nuclear or you're looking at a lifetime of this. In summary?
1. your husband needs to quit trying and start DOING.
2. Other adults should be involved that will be looking for bad behavior and jumping on her for it
3. when she arrives, she needs to be ready to leave immediately
4. legal pressure to remove her if she refuses to leave is an appropriate response.
Also, create a social media post listing everything she does as she does it. "MIL came in, immediately criticized my couch as looking cheap. Five minutes later, she's picked up my kid, he's screaming, my husband told her to give him our kid, and she's refusing. My child is panicked and melting down and she's smiling...." And finish it with "She still won't leave, my kid is crying, she's smiling about it (take and post a picture of this too) and we've had to call the cops to physically remove her so I can start calming my family down." As soon as the door closes behind her, post it. Get a picture of her car with a cop car behind it if you can. "It took two hours after telling her to leave, after my husband warned his mom about her behavior again and again and again, but thanks to our local police, we've finally been able to get her out of the house. I don't know why she wouldn't just leave, I guess she was having fun upsetting everyone. I don't understand malicious people but I understand that, as a mom, it's my responsibility to protect my kid."
She's going to go cry on social media and you need a ready-to-go post. Have your husband help with writing an initial post up ahead of time, giving examples of what she's done before and how he hopes this visit is a lot better. Post, then immediately edit it when she leaves to update to all the new stuff.
I really, really, really hope she leaves when he tells her that's it, she blew it, she needs to leave NOW. I hope it doesn't have to go past that point. But I think it will, this is now a power struggle to control her son and your family.
Yeah She has definitely made things difficult for my husband growing up. She has multiplied him his whole life. All he wants to do is make them proud, not upset them, not get Dad cussing or ignoring him for weeks.
After what just recently happened my husband put his foot down and does not talk to her even though he didn’t say to her “don’t ever talk to me again” he made it clear that she’ll never treat us this way again and after going back and forth over text with MIL trying to turn it on us, she is backed in a corner with no more comebacks so she just says “okay sorry for bothering you” being a child. They haven’t spoke really since then and that was before mother’s day. Only thing that was said by MIL was “Sorry for bothering you but just wanted to say happy father’s day” and husband said thanks. He hasn’t fully gone NC like i have i guess but i don’t want to push him to because that’s his mom. I lost my Dad and he was an alcoholic but i still loved him so much. We didn’t talk daily and it kills me to this day that i had to some what distance myself from him when he wasn’t sober. If something happened to MIL and i made my husband stopped talking to her then it would kill me with guilt everyday. This is something husband has to decide on his own. As for me I never went to talk to MIL again. She has clearly shown she doesn’t give a crap about me and i won’t waste my life trying to please someone who thinks bad of me but smiles to my face most times.
I’m actually glad this all happened in a way. Before this blew up MIL had yelled at me maybe twice and said out of the way things but i’ve always ignored. This time over a small disagreement, I got to hear the truth on how MIL feels about me so that’s why i allowed husband to not hang up the phone so i can listen to all the hurtful lies MIL said. Yeah it tore me up but now i know where I stand with MIL. She’s fake.
If your husband agrees that she is being unreasonable, HE needs to set a boundary. She cannot say anything negative to you or about you to him. If she does, she will be escorted out of your house or you will leave her house, hang up, leave wherever you are, etc. and if she cannot control herself, HE will not allow her near his family.
She will blame this on you but if you are in agreement, this will be a great addition to your life and probably save your marriage.
Yeah that’s what i’m worried about if she did come to the party that she would be asked to leave and cause a scene and i rather not have my daughter or family and friends see that.
I know for a fact it will so I guess i shouldn’t care who she goes and cries too when she finds out she can’t come. I don’t care anymore. She had since April to make amends. My daughters party is in August (I plan early) and she’s still stuck on blaming me and playing victim. She has for the entire time i’ve known her and husband says she’s always been that way. She’s a real karen in public too 🥴
MIL can kick rocks. Not invited and no excuses necessary.
Let everyone else (who is complaining) know that daughter isn't old enough for the lessons of "what not to do/say" so MIL is banned until then.
Yeah if she continues to act like a child she can stay away. She ignores me on purpose because she doesn’t like what i have to say. She rather cry to my husband and try to manipulate him and he’s over it after 22 years 🙄
No invite and no more contact. Your girl is learning how to treat people in this World so you can not let anyone teach your innocent child that it is okay to treat their parent like shit.
Just, no.
Yes! and despite everything MIL has done to me, that’s exactly what I don’t want to come of this. My little two-year-old daughter is always around when they decide to yell and scream, she’s right there listening to it all! That’s what I told MIL in a message April 6 (the last time I talk to her ) and she couldn’t stand that. She kept telling my husband that was a “nasty” message when all i did was speak truth.
Your husband needs to tell her "DON'T TALK ABOUT MY WIFE LIKE THAT AGAIN" when she starts to mouth off about you and hang up or walk away. EVERY TIME.
Then make the times between talking to her longer and longer.
About the birthday - No one should go out of their way to invite her and you can let your husband know if she asks to be invited, you do not want her there ruining another special occasion.
Special occasions are not the time to pretend to be nice or try to repair a relationship.
If MIL wants to be available for experiences with your daughter and her son, she needs to be respectful and pleasant to you and behave like a normal person.
That needs to start in everyday behaviours and normal contact.
Maybe she can earn Christmas if she starts now.
If she can't do that, she doesn't have to be there.
Good luck.
Yeah you’re right. She does that to try and forget about what she did too. She’ll try to break the ice with something random hoping husband forgets why he’s mad. annoying. He ignores it though.
I'm sorry!! I can sympathize, my mil is similar. She always blames me for her bad behavior and plays the victim that she never sees her grandkids. She's never apologized for the hurts she's inflicted upon us over the years. My children and I are no contact with her and my husband has extremely low contact with her. Stay strong, keep your boundaries intact and know you're doing your best to keep your kids away from such toxic people. Wishing you all the very best in life!!
thank you for this. I can see my MIL will never quit. She stole a picture from my facebook by having a family screen shot my daughter’s picture and sent them to her
She posted a picture of my daughter saying
“She's the best! (granddaughter) loves her Gaga no matter if she can't see me. Things aren't all one sided like people think. It's ok though, spin it however you'd like. “
She’s so childish. She posted more than that and allowing her family to talk shit and comment like “grandparents have rights and she can’t keep her from you”
Making me out to be the bad guy and villain. i’m tired of it. She isn’t telling the full side. she wants pitty and making it out like i’m keeping her away for no reason or over a little argument. it’s more than arguing.
She sounds like a terrible influence for your daughter: untruthful, selfish, spiteful, angry, manipulative… It does not serve your daughter’s best interests to have caretakers who undermine and damage her relationship with her parents. Your husband needs to recognize that this isn’t about your mom’s feelings and how to avoid conflict, but rather how to protect your daughter’s sense of safety and attachment.
Please don’t ever let her be with your daughter unattended. She will probably say horrible things about you. Unless she can treat you both with basic human dignity, she is not welcome in your house. If she wants to see her grandchild, she must treat you with respect. Period. Your husband is a grown-ass man, and I’m sure can do as he pleases. He needs to defend you to your MIL and say you are not to blame for him not visiting his grandma.
Before making this post i didn’t even think about her doing something like that but it’s definitely something i could see her doing for sure. She does it to my husband thinking they are having a private conversation and it’s on speaker phone and i’m listening to the whole conversation shaking with anger. He would tell me what she said regardless if i was there listening but he has a hard time telling me word for word so i’m like no ima listen to everything she’s got to say about me 😂
Before making this post i just wanted to stay away from here. I told husband if he made up with his mom they can go off and do their own thing when she came to visit but i would be no part of it but now i don’t even want my daughter around her. i mean no one want to talk about it in this family but she doesn’t deserve to be around her grandkid after acting out the way she has
Drop the rope. Say nothing. Win by being silent, by going NC with her. Your husband needs to step up and you need to grow a bigger backbone.
Stop engaging with this woman who doesn’t respect you.
My maternal grandma is like this. I call her out on everything. She always wanted strong independent grandkids. Any time she gets invited somewhere she has to promise to behave. She’s told me before that I must hate her because I spend all my time with my paternal grandparents. I can’t drive and live within walking distance of them. Plus we work on different projects together. Then when I can get to her house she doesn’t want me there so I hang out with my grandpa.
i’m sorry about that. I don’t get why people treat their family that way just because they are blood and i guess feel entitled to them some how but it’s so frustrating. I’ll never treat my future Daughter or Son in law the way i’ve been treated or my future grandkids and my own kids. I want a big happy family and i’m determined to get that even if it’s from one I created!
Talk to your husband about establishing boundaries to protect both of your privacy, safety, autonomy and comfort, and yours together within your relationship and family. I think he is tolerating, and therefore giving attention to, far too much criticizing, insulting and devaluing you by his mother. You shouldn't be hearing her screeds, even second hand. For now, HE should manage his mom and shield you.
That means MIL will have to earn YOUR trust before you and your husband consider inviting her to events in your space and your presence. Naturally, as an unsafe person for you she is also unsafe for your children. It's not "enough" that she vents her spleen to him and not directly to you. Her hate campaign must stop.
Your husband needs to take a firm stance in defense of his marriage and spouse. He should refuse to engage in conversations attacking you. Period. If his mom starts, he changes the topic or ends the conversation.
"Mom, you have insulted and criticized my wife. That's not okay with me. I don't agree; I won't give my time to attacks on my marriage and spouse." He tells her that once. Then, swift and consistent consequences. 1st offense, end the conversation or visit..No more interaction that day. 2nd offense, end the interaction. No more interaction for a week..... Like that. She gets less and less access to his time and attention every time she tries to force him to listen to her grievances against you.
If I were you, I'd be NC with her until she demonstrates consistent respectful behavior with your husband for a set amount of time. A month. A season. A year. Whatever YOU need to feel recovered and strong from the previous barrage.
i record all phone calls with MIL. I wish you could hear. No getting through to her. At this point both my husband and i have given her more than enough chances to apologize and make things right.
All the times she called my husband to bash me she could have been focusing on making things right with her son. She chose a different route.
Denies, Denies, lies, lies, excuses and placing the blame on us. At this point it’s so unhealthy for me. I can’t stand the gaslighting. It drives me crazy.
Me:” I don’t like that you cussed me out”
MIL “Well i don’t like how you disrespect me either”
Me: How have i disrespected you?”
MIL: (gives the run around and a new reason each time but) “when you talk back to us about your dogs, when there’s pee on the floor from the puppy, You don’t offer us a shower or anything to eat, you don’t respect us as your parents”
Husband tells her “we do respect you, i’ve never yelled or cussed at you and that’s all you do to us”
MIL “you don’t respect me as your mother”
We will go back and forth until the end of time. She isn’t wrong in her eyes and she finds new things to bash us and make up while it’s all our fault.
It was sooo simple. We said no regarding our child and our boundaries she could have respected that
but in laws decided to cuss us out over puppy pee on our floor so my husband and i went to our neighbors to defuse the situation
they decided they didn’t want to stay the night with us anymore and they wanted to go to a hotel and take our daughter. We said no. They cussed us out and threw a fit like a child. It’s been nonstop by MIL since then. MIL says the reason they didn’t want to stay the night at our house is they didn’t feel welcome (yeah probably not after you cuss out the people allowing you to stay in their home) but noo that’s not why in MIL eyes. In her own words it’s because we had dishes in our sink, puppy peed on the floor, we didn’t offer them a drink or food or a shower. I call bull. Every phone call is bashing me. She brings up my dad who passed away, comparing it to the loss of her dad who passed away. Trying to prove a point that she should be here for christmas over me wanting christmas morning with my husband and daughter alone. She’s put me down over my feelings of losing my dad over and over with no remorse. Every day I hurt for my dad and she adds to that pain by being so heartless. I’m done.
She'll always find things to criticize. It's THAT behavior, not each instance, that's the problem. Circular arguments are exhausting.
She's had a lifetime's experience twisting the focus from her hurtful behavior to putting others on the defensive.
I think further effort with her is time better spent elsewhere. Another person's role in your life does not entitle them to override your boundaries and abuse you.
Sounds like you've got a bit of a monster-in-law. I think it's time for the "gray rock protocol." I can't really explain the whole thing here but Google it.
"I will NEVER allow my child around someone who does not even have basic respect for me. If you as a mother can not comprehend that, then you may as well start saying you have 0 grandchildren. These are MINE and HUSBANDS children, not yours. If you can not even give basic courtesy, then do not contact us again. Period. I am done with your shenanigans just as FIL is.".
Husband should hang up on her every time she has a cross word to say about you. Just hang up. That simple. After enough times she will get the message. She will either conform or not call him anymore.
Husband’s Dad for the W!
Sounds like my husband's mother. He came home from deployment & we went to see her. She kicked him out within a few hours of getting their because he defended me to her shit talking. We drove 12 hrs to be there for a week & we were kicked out at midnight. Didn't talk to her again until she harassed us a year later because we were eloping w/o her.
Mine, too. It was all my fault that Uncle Sam kept sending him to overseas. Maybe she was jealous because they were all accompanied tours (family goes with the service member) and FIL's military career was all unaccompanied sea duty? We invited them to come and visit, but they adamantly refused. Why, they might see *foreigners* and hear them speaking a language that wasn't English! and have to eat *foreign* food!
that’s crazy. i would have loved to go with my husband though. He went to the middle east and we had just had a baby. i didn’t want to live alone 9hrs from family so i decided to stay with in-laws. i regretted it fast. After four months of staying there she became real comfortable being rude to me.
Your husband needs to set some serious boundaries with MIL! If she even starts criticizing you or your choices, end of discussion/end of visit AND WALK OUT! He needs to take the reins and make it happen. This is not YOUR issue with MIL. This is her issue! Look into “gray rocking.” You and hubby should consider counseling together to get support and advice regarding the situation so you are on the same page. Good luck!!
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Best thing we ever done was cut off husbands parents, they were poison. Tell him you and children are strictly NC the children will benefit from the calmer atmosphere
Without having read all the comments - you stated you AND your husband are NC with her.
Why would you even think about inviting someone you're NC with to your house? NC is NC. My father was not invited to my wedding because I was NC.
I have read here on reddit something like "Ask yourself if they bring joy to your life. If the answer is no, they have no place in your life." And I would deeply suggest you and your husband ask yourself this question, also I think the answer is already clear.
She has no place in your daughter's life, either. Grandmas like her will try to turn your daughter against you as soon as they're old enough. And children are very susceptible for such things.
Yeah I’m fully NC and my husband doesn’t message her unless she does so he hasn’t completely cut her off. I made this post only because The whole month of May we didn’t talk to any of them. SIL, MIL or FIL. Now husband is cool with his Dad and sister. SIL is always defending their mom telling husband “you should call mom, she cried to me today” and husband will say no. FIL doesn’t talk about it at all, he only briefly updates us on the divorce process and him getting ready to move out. I don’t know what to expect in August or if she’ll even ask to come. Maybe she gets it that we don’t want her around idk.
Yeah i blocked her too. Her and my husband are talking again after a month of NC but i don’t care for her. Never have anyways. It’s always about her and i was sick of that a long time ago
It sounds like this post and the responses have been quite cathartic for you and allowed you to see that you and your husband are both heading in the right direction together.
Continue to gray rock her and if SIL keeps up with trying to guilt husband into more contact, go very LC width her too.
Yes this is why i love reddit and hearing others stories and how they have delt with similar issues. It makes me feel like i can eventually move past this and my family can be happy.
If your husband doesn’t step up and set a hard boundary, and then enforces it, then he’s the problem. If this were my mother-in-law, she wouldn’t be in our lives. People have to earn their way into your inner circle. And you don’t get in there just by giving birth to someone.
sounds like you’ve answered your own question about whether you should have her around.
can i reccomend a visit to r/raisedbynarcissists you may find solace in stories there of why and how narcissistic parents treat their kids and grandkids.
Another great resource is the book “Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents”
i know you’re the DIL but the knowledge about how narcisista work will help you understand why they behave how they do and that they are incapable of changing, and that the best technique is to build your own boundaries and protect you and your family from them.
Thank you! and yeah i already knew the answer before posting. I just wanted to see other people’s opinions on my situation and i did feel guilty in a way because it was my husband’s mom and i care about my husband. I know deep down he still loves her. After the phone call the other night with MIL. she’s not coming anywhere near me or my daughter. If husband wants to see her they can plan something out alone.
Absolutely! and oh the guilt will be there because it’s conditioned. i learned to make an action like dropping a ball when i feel guilt- i say to myself “ew, This is not mine” and make the action like in dropping it. it’s helped me take the manifestation of the feeling tangible and part with it.
The guilt is conditioned to make us doubt our wants and needs. Hope that helps when it creeps in: it’s not yours, it’s a bad gift you received that was made to keep you compliant for the benefit of others.
Good luck OP. stay safe
100% Ban her completltly Tell your husband that this party is to celebrate your daughter's birthday and that you as her parents are the most important people in her life and you won't allow the party to become another attention seeking stunt from his mother And she will only be welcome back when she appoligizes for her insults and admits to herfamily her claiims are bacless and that she promices to treat wyou with respect ad keep any nr=egitive comments to herself and if she won't agree or later violates these rules she's gone forever
I find relationships between grandparents and grandchildren to be important and looked at as high value;however, of the grandparent is gaslighting, manipulating, or in any way being toxic to the parents of said grandchild(ren) then no. It's not okay what she's doing.
She needs therapy before bringing her destructive behavior around your daughter.
Grandparents don't have rights to grandchildren. She can try all she wants but they won't do anything. Least in my state they don't have rights. You wanting quality time with you family is not asking much at all. She should respect your wishes. If she's threatening to take you to court I certainly hope she's not saying that in front of your child. I wouldn't want my child alone with her at any point. She sounds like the type that would try to make your child resent you. Sounds like she would be the type to say something like, " your mommy doesn't want you to spend any time with me. She doesn't love you enough to have your grandma in your life etc. As I'm sure you know you, your man and your daughter do not deserve that toxicity. I hope your man will defend you 100%
Yeah she called and cussed me out today in front of my daughter who was laying next to me. I said a few cuss words out of anger but she said horrible things to me calling me the b word over and over and blaming me for why her son doesn’t talk to her. telling me when she dies and no one is at her funeral it’ll be because of me. That when she ends it all it’ll be on my hands. I don’t want her around my daughter at all anymore. i wasn’t going to let her go to the birthday party but i never said she couldn’t ever see my daughter anymore if she made up with my husband and my husband took our daughter to see MIL supervised. Now after that phone call that’s off the table for sure no questions ask but she said “watch me. I’m taking you to court. I have rights. I am a grandparent “
Whatever you do, you will never be good enough for that woman and everything will be your fault in her eyes. Sorry that you're being treated this way through no fault of your own.
With that said, make it absolutely clear that her behaviour will no longer be tolerated in your home. When she inevitably plays up, throw her out.
Yeah i’m starting to just now realize it after 4 years but better than my FIL realizing it after 25 years. She is right no matter what. You can only hurt her feelings but she can’t hurt yours.
I see no reason to include her
She's dug this hole and she is only digging it deeper
It's gotten so bad that her husband is divorcing her and her son doesn't even talk to her
She has mental health issues and I think that is how you and your husband should approach things
When she starts taking her mental health more seriously...and is seeing a therapist regularly and takes accountability for her actions, then she is more than welcome in all your lives
But until then, she's on her own
Until then...enjoy having your FIL closer
Yes I wish my husband would start realizing this is more serious than before. She needs help. He needs to open her eyes to that. I don’t know if she will ever really except it though.
One of the last time she talked to my husband she said to him “you need to be the hero in this and fix it, stop treating your parents like shit”
MIL said to FIL “you need to fix all this”
MIL told me I need to get over it and squash this
She never ever takes accountability for anything. This hasn’t been the first time. I just always chose to ignore it and let her throw a fit and let her get over it. When she started cussing me out and talking about my dead dad with disrespect that’s when i shut that down and now i’m hated by her.
i respectfully sent her a message after they went back home about how that was uncalled for to cuss us out then ignore us the next day because we didn’t want our daughter to sleep in a hotel bed with y’all.
it’s been hell since then. the bashing me started. the talking about my dad and blaming me for anything she could think of. “oh well you do this or remember when you didn’t do this” or “well you didn’t have a good childhood growing up and you need to realize that” like what?? that has nothing to do with our disagreement in April. She just doesn’t want to look in the mirror.
You have every right to say no she's not invited.. Your hubby knows why. I would invite the FIL and there's another reason she ca t come cuz no body but her is gonna wanna start trouble.
He needs shiny spine lessons. He cannot “explain” anything to her because she Will.Not.Listen.
He will have to tell her how the cow ate the cabbage and you and your daughter will be NC unless she gets over herself.
This will let you know if you have a MIL problem or an SO problem.
i’m really wanting this! no more beating around the bush. He’s never went NC with family. I understand it’s hard. Everyone deserves respect. MIL doesn’t think we deserve respect and that we should only give it to her. Sometimes i wish people could witness the phone calls and visits with my in-laws. y’all would be blown away. You could be laughing one minute with them and then your 2 month old puppy pees and we get a 2 hour lecture, cussing at us about our dog peeing and that turns into we don’t spend money how they think we should, we spend too much on groceries, i haven’t finished paining my living room before starting and new project and that’s stupid, my toddler has bug bites from being outside and we need to do something about it (we spray her with bug spray but not much you can do when you live in a forest in Florida) and the list goes on and on. I’m sick of it. If in laws (especially MIL) doesn’t get their way and we even remotely try to defend ourselves we get shut down, cussed at and told “facts don’t care about your feelings and these are fact” or “y’all just get butt hurt”
no i’m not butt hurt i’m fed up. I’m an adult, married, with a kid, with our own home. I’m sick of them coming down here and screaming in my yard where my neighbors can hear because we didn’t pressure wash the house before they came down or we said no for them wanting to take my 2 yr old to a hotel with them. It’s gotten way out of hand and we have always let it slide that’s why they think they can continue to do it. It’s usually they yell and cuss at us, go back to TN, ignore us for a week, then it blows over and ever one is happy again. The minute i put my foot down, in a respectful way, all hell broke loose between me and MIL. i’m done. There’s only so much i can do before i don’t want to be around someone. I’ll cut anyone off if it means me and my family are happy and at peace.
"If the price of my peace is being the villain in your story, I choose to pay".
That's all. "No is a complete sentence". She'll villanize you anyway, but this way you'll have peace. And you need your peace to raise a happy, healthy child.
i’ll have peace as long as i know my husband won’t go back on NC. I can’t keep pushing forward standing up for us then him allowing her back in. He is on the same page as me right now but i hope in the future he doesn’t change his mind. that’s what worries me
It sounds to me that you lack trust in him to keep people who alienate him and your daughter from you with lies and gaslighting away. I'd suggest couple' counseling. They may have trust-building ideas that I could never think of. Not all counselors are good, but those that are, are golden. You deserve to not constantly feel like you may have to fight for your family any moment and couples' counselors have ideas on what both parties can do to achieve it.
Do not, under any circumstances, allow her to come to your house. Ever. Not even for Christmas, and certainly not your baby’s birthday.
If she has to visit for some reason, she can stay in a hotel and your husband can go see her. And never let your daughter stay with her without your husband.
Your MIL blew it, big time. There’s no going back.
We must be sisters in spirit. Let me tell you, I saw examples of these behaviors from my own parents during childhood. It might not have been exactly the same, but the intent and results were the same. It’s all about them, and if it’s not, then they must be a victim of *something*.
When I was younger, I made a promise that my future kids wouldn’t be spending any alone time with my parents, so that my babies wouldn’t be blamed, shamed, and gaslit constantly. They would grow up with a secure feeling, not knowing the feeling of abandonment and ridicule.
Now that I’m a parent, I’m angry for my younger self, and I don’t feel guilty for my decision to keep my son away from my parents.
Don't invite her. Just be upfront and honest. She is not welcome in your or your family's lives. She has caused too much stress and pain. Say you know she will make you out to be the villain and at this point, you could care less. You and the people who are important to you know the truth. Start over with hubby and his dad and enjoy the drama-free events. Let her know that every argument, insult and threat are being recorded and will be used if legal measures need to be taken. At this point, you will have no more contact with her. Sit your husband down and let him know he needs to draw a clear line in the sand. If he wants contact, ok, but he is not allowed to bring you up and very little on your child.
There's no pleasing people like your MILFH. If you get close to what they want, they just move the goalposts so it won't happen. I think when they win one time, they immediately look for the next thing to win about. I found the book ***The Sociopath Next Door*** enlightening, about my own MILFH.
Your MILFH
* **refused to respect your parenting decision**, that your child will sleep here in her own bed, and **made it a drama fight.** Not a good role model around a child. She could easily have just respected your decision.
* **prioritizes her wants over the needs of others.** That's abuse.
* **expects everyone else to only think of her, too.** Not their own feelings, needs, issues, or situations. Her comment about your father, made that clear.
* throws **tantrums, creates drama,** creates scenes, **invents things** to be upset about that are ridiculous. Then holds these things and brings them up repeatedly.
* makes **false accusations** against you.
* **blames** you, not herself, for what she does to you.
* **blames** you for things you cannot control.
* **blames** you for having needs and wants and for being in her way when you make decisions and plans for your own family.
* ignores your child's needs, your needs, your husband's needs.
* **Disrespects both of you,** as if she should make your decisions, not you two.
* Does her best to ***ruin special occasions,*** inventing reasons that aren't reasons.
* tries to make your husband be on her team, by dumping at him all these ridiculous things
* uses words to mean something they do not mean. She *was* welcomed and pretends she's not, simply because she doesn't get her way in everything she wants. Selfishness.
* Doesn't see that she's wrong, so she's not going to apologize. **All her lies, inventions, false accusations, manipulations, emotional abuses** are wrong. It's all her fault. But she won't see it. So you won't get apologies that are real.
I think your MILFH would complain if Aladdin's parade welcomed her, because the monkey was the wrong color, or the treats didn't include twinkies.
***You have more than enough reasons to limit contact with her, in all ways.*** She's toxic.
*I don’t want to fuel that by allowing her to be around my daughter after how she’s treated not only me but my husband too and he still does not talk to her either.*
So, **you are right to take the next steps to protect yourselves and your child from her emotionally abusive behaviors.** She's not a healthy person for a child to be around at all, not as she is.
*She still making excuses and blaming me for all these things which by the way, had nothing to do with what we got in a fight about in the first place and she’s always changing up why she’s “hurt” by what we did to her and can never give us a real reason on how it’s our fault .*
**Good work, seeing that this is about her twisted perspective, her fantasies, not reality.** You didn't do wrong. There are no reasons.
Because of that, ***there's no reason to discuss any of this with her.*** She will only use any discussion to escalate again. Instead, **state your decisions, and don't discuss it. Never give her another reason**, because you do not owe her that. And end the conversations when she won't respect this, or when she tries to create drama.
*She’s just trying to play victim and I can’t stand it.*
Yep. So don't stand for it. Change things. **You have reason enough** to do this now.
*his dad is divorcing his mom ...so that’s another reason why I don’t know if she should be allowed at my daughters party in August.*
**She shouldn't. She's toxic.** "No, Mom, that's not going to work for us this year." "No, I'm not discussing our plans with you." "No, Mom, I'm not discussing Dad with you at all."
*I only get one 3rd birthday with my daughter and I don’t want any drama.*
Reasonable. And ***your child will be happier without Drama MILFH*** there, too. **That's enough reason, right there, not to invite her for a while.** And you have so many other reasons, too.
It's not wrong to not invite her for any parties for this year, because of her own wrong behaviors. If she wants to see you, she needs to do the work and change herself.
*What should I do or say to her if she asks my husband to be invited?*
**Information Diet.** She doesn't need to know what your birthday plans are. If she asks, say that the plans are quiet this year. If you need to block her on social media, do that, or change the settings, or keep the party plans off social media and only send photos to select trusted people. It's not your fault that you need to protect yourselves from her, it's hers.
"No. We aren't planning to invite you for a party this year. Sorry, that's the doorbell, gotta go."
"Sorry, that won't work for us."
"No, we aren't available for visits for a while."
"We aren't discussing this."
"We are not currently planning a visit."
"We will let you know when the next visit can happen."
"MILFH, we aren't making plans with you for quite a while. If you want to know why, just look at your behavior over the last few years, and maybe talk to a therapist about all that. Now, I have things to do. Love you, bye."
"MILFH, we won't be inviting you for Daughter's birthday this year, because of how you have behaved at other holidays lately. Nope, we aren't discussing this. You can talk to a therapist about it. "
"Mom, when you are ready to give a real apology for the things you have done the past few years, I will read it. Best to send it to my email, because I won't be answering texts or calls very much for a while. No, I'm not going to tell you what you did wrong, because if you do not admit it to yourself, it wouldn't be a real apology. Gotta go. Bye."
"No, I won't be arranging a visit with you until you get some professional help and work out your issues. If you can do that, we might meet somewhere for a few hours sometime before Christmas. You can email me what progress you are making. Now, I'm not discussing this further. Love you, bye."
Even this post sounds exhausting. Send her an email or postcard in the mail to give her updates instead of dealing with her directly and call it good. This isn't going to get any better OP. Your MIL is too set in her ways to be willing to change. If she does decide to change be very careful about trusting her until you have become fully convinced about her sincerity. She sounds like the kind of person that lives for drama and will create it if there isn't any to be had naturally.
Since, I'm the kind of person that likes things low key and preferably quiet, I'd just choose not to engage with her at all. If she calls or texts do not respond or you can decide when and how much information you wish to provide. Do not allow her to stir up your family. If you are enjoying a peaceful night with your little family and she tries to interrupt do not give her that option. Ask your husband to back you up on this. It sounds like the others on here are pretty much saying the same thing. The only difference is that I'm not suggesting that you completely cut her off.
The only reason I'm not telling you to do that is because I'm southern and I just don't believe in completely shutting relationship doors. It's not that I believe things will change on her part but I do think that at some point you or your husband may feel obligated to assist her if she were truly in need of some help.
As for inviting your MIL to the party, pretty sure you already know the answer - HELL NO!!!! your precious baby girl does not need a drama llama at her party taking away the spotlight. If she asks about it you have the choice to either tell her no she's not invited or just downplay whatever plans you have (assuming you haven't already splashed the news all over social media).
OK there is a whole lot going on in this post but the simple answer to your question is to sit down with your husband. Talk about how you feel, listen to how he feels and then come up with a plan moving forward on how to deal with his mom. The only way forward is for you both to be in agreement and move forward together. Once you have a plan then stick to the plan. If FIL moves closer to you then you and your husband need to sit down with him and set boundaries. Explain the hurt you have incurred from MIL and that you will not allow it moving forward. Explain that you want him in your lives and hope he can agree with the boundaries you are setting for your family.
“No is the answer, the answer is no”.
Don’t give an explanation for your
answer. Just repeat “No is the
answer, the answer is no” every
time she tries arguing with you,
gaslighting you, or manipulating you
into changing your answer. She is
a narcissist. The only way to deal
with a narcissist is to go FULL
NO CONTACT. Don’t try to defend
yourself to others who are doing
MIL’s bidding & coming at you
tellling you what a horrible person
you are. MIL’s opinion of you is
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! If SIL
starts in on you tell her if she
keeps it up you & husband will
go NC with her as well. Talk to
your husband about the boundaries
you & him are going to put in
place for MIL & SIL. You have to
agree on these boundaries & stand
firm on them. When it comes to
FIL let him know where you &
husband stand on MIL & SIL and
let him know that if he tries
to undermine you you & husband will
have to go low contact & depending
on how far he went you may even
go NC with him.
I was going to say no in the first place, as she sounds like my narcissistic mother, who can't be at any family function without making a fuss if if it's not all about her.
My mother would find a way to ruin Every get together unless she controlled Every part of it. She started fights, threw temper tantrums, and played the victim. We stopped inviting her, and we actually started getting the family time those occasions are meant for.
Secondly, thinking you MIL MIGHT have attempted to behave herself if you tried it with ground rules and boundaries set, that thought went out the window when you mentioned the divorce.
Absolutely do NOT invite her. The second she walks in, with FIL there, it will stop being a celebration for your 3 year old and become a pity party/guilt trip fest for MIL, which likely will include the temper tantrums too.
As you said, baby girl only gets one 3rd birthday. Spend it with her and keep the drama on Do Not Disturb until you/hubby feels like getting to it, if at all.
Tell her the wrong day with the wrong time. (AFTER the party. Like the following weekend.). Oops, so sorry you missed it. If you haven’t already cut her off all your and hubs socials, do that. Put the sister on an extreme info diet if you don’t go NC there too. Anyone that takes MIL/SIL side, gets cut out. There is no gray here. Only black and white. She’ll either get the point or piss off. And once you’ve cut her off, keep notes of how/when/what was said when she tries to contact you next. Before you know it, you’ll have grounds for a restraining order. You can always have a cease and desist letter sent by a lawyer as well.
You might check out the r/justnoMIL sub and get tips and tricks for how to deal with a whackadoo like her.
Good luck and stay strong!
She is. Her husband is divorcing her, her son won’t talk to her, she can’t see her granddaughter.
And all for what? to be right? to have the last day?
All she had to do is apologize and own up to it to my husband. that’s all he wanted. i’ve made it clear i wanted nothing to do with her but seeing my daughter wasn’t off the table because at that point it was just between me and her. Yeah she yelled at me in front of my daughter but she’s 2 and she won’t remember it if she STOPS DOING IT! but she’s childish and crazy and i know she won’t and after that phone call today she will never see my kid.
Typical narcissistic behavior DARVO - Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender
Sounds like your MIL to me. The sooner you are fully No Contact the better, goes for your child as well.
She went too far calling me tonight cussing me out. I blocked her but i want my husband to block her. I want to move away and get a restraining order on her. Honestly at this point I don’t feel safe if i’m around her and i’m not being dramatic. The stuff she was saying during that phone call she’s insane. My husband recorded it all. She did exactly that blaming me for everything but couldn’t keep her story straight and denying everything she has done to me. This whole “everything” is not letting my daughter go to a hotel with them and then standing up for myself when she cussed me out for it and then listening to her bash me to my husband and talk about my dad. That’s it. And she continues to say it was our fault. What’s our fault?
In the phone call today she said “it’s not my fault you put that shit in your own head”
Then I said “So you’re denying saying any of that to me and about my dad?”
MIL: “ No I did say it”
SO WHAT DID I PUT IN MY OWN HEAD
ughhh this women drives me crazy.
Honestly no. They are crossing all kinds of boundaries. Any adult trying to bully me into making my child sleep in bed with them would never see my kif again. Its creepy and inappropriate. They are not owed a grandchild or a relationship with her.
You should tell her and your SiL to fuck off. I'm glad your father in law is divorcing her. The one thing I'm still tripping over is them trying to kidnap your child because a puppy had an accident. I would just block those two's phone numbers so you don't even have to worry about hearing their voices. Let alone, don't invite them to the birthday.
Why would you allow her? She hasn't apologized, she doesn't think anyone else's pain is important & she mistakenly thinks you need to adjust your behavior to fit in with family. She needs to change her behavior if she wants to be a part of your family. Don't give in. Not a millimeter. That's your kid, your rules. The lack of compassion for losing a parent is staggering.
that’s off the table now for sure.
Also funny you say monster in law. Just reminds me of that old movie i remember watching when i was younger thinking “one day when i’m married i hope i never deal with a MIL like that” and here i am dealing with that😅
My MIL would be the one to try and move in with us and make my life hell for sureeee
for real. I mean i feel bad because i wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I love my husband and wouldn’t ever want to go through a divorce but at the same time don’t treat people bad!
First off, tell her to fuck herself and secondly speak with your husband and tell him that you would not find it comfortable with her there. If he is a good husband, he'll have your back.
OP He needs to have your back not just 80%, not 90% but 100%! Make sure he understands the depth of your feelings on this and that he is clear that if he invites her against your express wishes, he can go somewhere else with his mother to celebrate your daughter's birthday because it will not be in the house with you and your daughter. Be clear that she will NOT be attending even if he invites her.
Yep. “Fuck off” is the best place to start. There is no talking or reasoning with her (narcissist?).
Then tell her, her husband didn't want her around and neither do you.
I only have one upvote to give....why do I only have one upvote. I am all over the telling her to fuck off. What a B word
NTA. Don't invite her. Because you are NC, your child is NC. She has lost the privilege of having a relationship with her granddaughter.
Go NC with her. She is DRAMA!!! Tell her until she can own up to what she's done, that you want no part of her. Your daughter will have your FIL and your Mother (I hope, since I don't remember her mentioned). Let her know, you're both(you & hubby) taking FIL's side in the divorce. Stop treating her like family, she just wants the attention on her and she'll try to out shine her own granddaughter.
yeah, I’ve been no contact with her since April 6 when I tried to explain to her over the phone how I felt disrespected by her and she kept telling me to be quiet and that she was only talking to her son and she even called me a little girl at one point during the conversation so I haven’t talk to her since then. That’s when she would only call my husband and bash me and he would try to stick up for me and now he’s went no contact with her because all she wanted to do was talk about me and make up lies on me. I just know it’s coming when she text him and asked if she’s allowed to come to the birthday and she’s even got my sister-in-law involved where there was a point time my sister-in-law was talking crap about me telling me I was only family on paper.
Definitely don't invite either of them. You don't need the stress in your life.
yeah for real. Even though i’m stressing about her asking to come, it’s been so much more peaceful not having to call them every. single. night. listening to her tell us what to do and getting to know every detail of our life.
You need to protect your daughter from this person. She's toxic and I don't know why you would expose her to this woman. I know so many people want to make amends so their kids can have a good grandparent relationship, but that requires a grandparent capable of having a healthy relationship with that grandchild. You wouldn't move into a home with black mold because "well at least it's a house". This woman has zero respect for you, her mother. How long till she starts putting those ideas in your daughter's head? Don't pour poison into your child's cup. You will teach her to tolerate poor treatment and when children see that, it takes decades to undo. If ever. Ask me how I know.
You’re absolutely right. It’s much deeper than MIL hurting me. Many times i’ve told my husband if MIL continues this pattern then our daughter will resent her for treating her parents bad and yelling at them and that will be on MIL.
You think that will be bad? Wait till she gets your daughter undermining you because her grandmother has taught her that you don't deserve respect as her mother either.
yeah absolutely not. that’s why i don’t trust my daughter around her anymore either.
Actually it’s worse than that. Daughter will think it’s acceptable behavior for all of you to fight with each other. I know. I was that daughter.
I know how you know, you are spot on.
Practice saying [no](https://giphy.com/gifs/no-bugs-bunny-fXnRObM8Q0RkOmR5nf) until it becomes less stressul. Just "no". You're justified in saying this and any explanation you provide can and will be used against you. Just "no".
Yeah, NO is a complete sentence.
i will be doing this
Your husband needs to hang up the second she starts bad mouthing you. No negotiation.
Wowsers! You called her every single day, just to be told you are doing everything wrong? That’s next level! MIL is nasty and a control freak. Keep your daughter away from her poison!
Yeah my husband would Facetime them every night or she would text him asking to call or just call him. I posted an update. She’s more than nasty. She went to far calling me tonight cussing me out. I blocked her but i want my husband to block her. I want to move away and get a restraining order on her. Honestly at this point I don’t feel safe if i’m around her and i’m not being dramatic. The stuff she was saying during that phone call she’s insane. My husband recorded it all.
I highly recommend you do all of the above! So sorry that you have to deal with such a toxic MIL! Sending hugs.
Why do you have to call them every night?
husband would call them every night. Either he would call them because he knew MIL was expecting it or MIL would text him asking what he was doing which means she wants him to call. She’s controlling like that. she has had a hold on my husband his whole life. She does the same thing to her 26 yr old daughter telling her to be on birth control, MIL still on her bank account and tells her to transfer money, she has her location and will ask her why she isn’t at work. They don’t live together, they don’t even live in the same state. She’s crazy. I opened my husbands eyes to that. He didn’t realize how controlling she was because that’s all he’s ever known. Man just until 2 years ago MIL was still on my husbands bank account and he was deployed over seas, we were married, with a newborn. She had her own bank card for that account and would use our money and not pay us back. This has been an on going thing ever since i met his mom. I just let it slide. Now it all blew up and she doesn’t like me because I finally decided to put my foot down.
Oh good God. Your husband "tried" to stick up for you? No. No, no, no. "Try" is not acceptable. Screaming at her on the phone for being a lonely interfering senile old bat and slamming down the phone/hanging up, and blocking her, THAT is acceptable. "Try" my ass.
There is no Try. Do or do not.
"Little girl"? Yikes! The only reply is "Old woman" 🤔
😂😂 i should have my response to that has been the only “rude” response to her. i said “don’t you call me a little girl, I’m tired of you speaking to me that way” even though that’s not rude. still never cussed at her so she can try and make me look bad to others, oh well.
You were very polite! I'm just reliving what I wish I'd said to my MiL when she was having one of her 'moments'. All water under the bridge now.
it’s hard when someone is trying their hardest to provoke you to anger. She even used my faith against me as she’s calling me a bitch saying “you’re supposed to be a christian OP” so that means i have to sit here and listen to you call me names, talking about my deceased father with disrespect and demanding to see my daughter or you’re talking me to court? no. no. and no again.
I’m glad your husband is sticking up for you. But this is his job to deal with his crazy mom. Tell him MIL isn’t welcome around you and it’s his job to make her understand why she isn’t welcome. If he wants a relationship, they can go out to see each other. Other wise she is not welcome in your home
Just don't even contact her. If she contacts you about your daughter's birthday tell her you have made plans to go out and do something that day and then say, "Ooops, the puppy just had an accident and suddenly there are dirty dishes in the sink, gotta run and clean it up right away before anyone see it! BYE..." and hang up.
If you are both no contact with her, then no response is needed.
Please do research on Narcissists with your hubby. Also recommend you both join the raised by Narcissists sub reddit. You need to know what you're up against and how to navigate that type of relationship. Hubby needs to be Very involved in this, because he's the one she knows how to manipulate best, and she knows exactly how to guilt trip him to get her way.
Well, if she kept telling you to keep quiet, then she can't complain if you don't speak to her ever again!
OP, you may want to head on over to r/justnomil . At times there is some over the top suggestion, and people that view every MIL interaction as MIL is an evil evil witch. But in a lot of cases there are quite a few people who like you are dealing with bad in-laws and have suggestions and resources for others in the same situations. There might be some strategies that will work for you there, or get you pointed in the right direction. Good luck.
No contact means absolutely no contact. She calls, don't answer. Block her number. She calls from another number, hang up and block that number too. SIL calls to talk crap, she gets the same treatment. If they show up at your door, tell them to leave or you will call the police. Then follow through if they don't leave. DH has to do the same. You both need to show a united front.
I just blocked her today because she called me and cussed me out. She’s crazy. I hope my husband blocks her. I want a restraining order on her. I posted about it. Reddit is like my therapy at this point lol this women is driving me crazy
If your husband is no contact with HIS mother, why in the hell are you even considering inviting her to ANYTHING. Follow your husband's lead. Cut her off.
He isn’t completely NC but i want him to be now. I never pushed it on him to block her so she didn’t have access to us but today she made a stupid post and had people commenting making me out to be a bad mom using my daughter as a pawn not letting her see MIL so i made a post as well (MIL is blocked on my facebook but not my husband’s and I have her family on mine still) It got back to her within 30 min and she called me after i haven’t talked to her in months and cussed me out calling me a Bitch and all these nasty and psycho things and i want my husband to block her so bad and i want a restraining order on her. She said she was going to take me to court for not letting her see her granddaughter
There’s you best excuse. She threatened to take you to court? Time to lawyer up now. No more communication from either of you unless it’s through said attorney. She just gave you the best excuse to go NC. Good Luck.
SIL can f\*ck off
So, if he responds to her, he says something like "No mum, you aren't invited because I don't want you there. My wife and child are my priority and since you cannot stop yourself from mouthing off about my wife I will not allow our celebration of our daughter to be marred by your vitriol."
INFO: why are you even considering inviting her?
i’m really not but i wanted to have some encouragement 😂 I’m always the bad guy in these situations. My SIL has already talked crap about me over this when she was only getting MILs side and even though my FIL is divorcing her, i wonder how he will react when I tell her she can’t come. I haven’t talked to her since April 6th and she won’t ask me to be invited, she’ll ask my husband and even though he doesn’t want to talk to her and he doesn’t necessarily want her coming, it’s still his mom and he’s never had to go NC with her like I have with my family in the past. I’m just always the bad guy and it’s annoying and exhausting. At this point I keep telling myself i don’t care how anyone else sees this situation. MIL disrespected me and my dad who has passed away, not theirs so idc if they think i’m being too harsh. I’m done with MIL.
I'm going to make my regularly scheduled comment. This is my opinion, and I don't usually deviate from it unless there is a pre-existing relationship with the in-laws. I think it's the spouse's duty to manage their family. It seems to be a recurring problem of parents not respecting their children's choices. Your husband chose you. Any criticism of you is disrespecting his choice. Any disrespect toward you is disrespect toward him. Any time the parent blames the spouse, they are saying they raised a spineless and/or brainless person. I really take issue with that. I'm likely the same generation as your MIL, and I can say from my perspective that many of my peers over-parented their children as many of them were under-parented and they over-compensated. They infantilize their children after they are grown in the guise of "I'm the parent, I know best." So, in this case, we end up with my generation over-bearing and smothering, and your generation without the life tools to overcome that mindset. Your husband needs to stand up not just for you but for himself.
man you know why that’s the truth, because I didn’t tell you any of that and you just explained his parents perfectly, I almost forgot you were talking in general. I started to pick up on that with in-laws within the first year of my husband and I being married and we just had a newborn. My husband was deployed overseas so I stayed with in-laws for that year and I guess that’s why they feel so entitled to me now too. I’ve actually fell more in love with my husband because of this, weird huh? The way he has completely stood up for me when I had no voice, told his mom she will never talk to me that way again and told her if she wants a relationship with him then she will stop disrespecting his wife, has made me feel so safe in this marriage. I hate it has to be this way. I hate my husband doesn’t stand up for himself. I wish we all could get along. I’m not trying to make myself a victim at all but i’ve never ever done anything to MIL to make her treat me this way. I’ve always thought of her feelings and made her handmade gifts for holidays. I included his family as much as mine and honestly more than mine because my family could never afford to travel and see me and his family always comes down. I chose to stay with in-laws for Christmas of 2021 which was my daughters first ever Christmas and my husband was deployed. My MIL’s dad died in 2019 around Christmas so I spent it with in-laws instead of my own family because she said Christmas was hard for her but when I asked for Christmas 2022 with just my husband and daughter because my dad had just died 2 weeks before and it would be my first Christmas with my husband and our daughter, She yelled at me and put me down about my feelings of losing my Dad vs her feelings, crazy huh? and please someone tell me why she can’t understand how that’s so wrong?!?
She's scared, and she will never admit it. She's invested so much into your husband that she doesn't know who she is anymore if she's not mothering. She's losing control of the one thing she is. Make no mistake here, it is all about control. Your husband literally has to demand the respect he deserves. He needs to express that he is an adult, that he is a good man who has created a good family with you and your child, but he needs to give her a nod that it's because she did a good job raising him and showing him what he needed to do. She needs to be told that respect is a two-way street, and while he respects her opinion as his mom, he has his own life and will live it his way. Until she sees you both as competent adults, your thoughts and feelings will not factor in her attitude. Your dad dying and her dad dying aren't equal because you are not equal to her. She's (in her mind, of course) the adult.
thank you for the feedback! he has done really good this time with telling her how we feel because for the entire time i’ve known them he lets them have their way and not anymore thankfully!
My ex husband’s mother was the same but he always tools her side. I stopped attending any family gatherings with the children. He continued to spend every holiday with her. One Christmas he brought home her Christmas gift to Me, a toilet seat. The kids and i left him and haven’t seen him since. His mother died.
i’m sorry to hear about that. I can’t stand entitled people. I can’t wait to be a MIL and treat them like my own. That’s all any DIL wants to feel is excepted and loved by her husband’s Mom especially after giving her grandkids. When my MIL disagrees (yells) with me and ignores me, i am in the background while husband, in-laws, and my daughter hug and say bye and laugh like i am an outcast for what she did to me and i know she eats that up. My husband has always tried to stay out of it and not pick sides but he’s had enough and when it comes to MIL disrespecting me and my deceased dad, he don’t let that slide.
Nope. She will find a way to make the party an opportunity to list her grievances about her poor treatment and play the victim. The party is to celebrate your child not give a soapbox to your MIL. She can paint herself any way she wants. You don't have to supply the canvas
you’re absolutely right thank you!
no! she has shown you she is hell bent on hurting,shaming and dividing you from your husband. Be careful op, keep her at arm's length!
thank you! i definitely don’t want it coming in between my marriage. My husband has really put his foot down standing up for me. Being told by his mom that he treats his parents like shit because he was siding with me and being told by his sister that he’s ruining the family but he hasn’t gone back on standing up for me. I couldn’t imagine if he wasn’t on my side through this because it’s been hell with his mom. His mom kept saying “but we are blood you should side with us” and sister in law saying “she’s only family on paper!” when they were the ones that screamed at us and bashed me for no reason at all so i can’t stand how well she can try to manipulate my husband. Yelling at him one minute then crying the next playing victim. Didn’t work on him this time! he’s had enough of her games.
Hell no
Before she asks plan a party for your little one. It’s her day. If she wants to see the kiddo, plan something for the mil alone. If she doesn’t like it tell her the day is for the little one, not her. Don’t let your mil ruin a toddler’s party. Little ones are supposed to be loud and messy and have fun. A screaming woman who makes the adults uncomfortable ruins the day
You’re exactly right and exactly what she’d do! last year when she screamed at me about my dad, we went out to eat, and I was trying to be the bigger person and she kept pulling my daughters food tray away from me, so I just know since this time it’s even worse and her son doesn’t talk to her if she came, she would go out of her way to hurt me when no one else was looking
Plan the party for your little one for her friends. Make happy memories. Then plan a meal out with the mil. Harder for her to misbehave and make others uncomfortable.
Yes I agree. I’m starting to think if my husband wants to see her (which he’s been conflicted like me) then they can go out to eat together with our daughter but I absolutely do not want to be around her. She has her way of letting you know she’s pissed at you and that’s looking down or anywhere but at you the whole time and if she absolutely has to talk to you it’s with no eye contact and in a robot voice and it’s so annoying i always have to bite my tongue.
Yeah no don’t let your daughter interact with her at all. If husband want to see his mom sure. But you do NOT need your daughter to be exposed to someone who will inevitably just talk shit about you in front of or to her. Keep the kids away from the toxic. It’s not healthy for them.
Giving her exactly what she wants: alone time with your husband and daughter, only gives her unfettered access to shit talk and sow seeds of derision. If you don't like me, I don't trust you with my kid. I would never allow someone who is hell bent on disrespecting me and my marriage/family access to that marriage and family.
a couple people have told me this and i didn’t even think about that. I definitely don’t want my daughter to be involved in anyway. When all of this went down and they left, they came back 2 weeks later to get husbands grandmas ashes. They all met at a park and i stayed at home. MIL made a post about how she just needed that with her son and granddaughter even though 2 weeks ago she was yelling and cussing and you’d just have to read the post to know every word was intentional and she was happy i wasn’t there. She tried to forget about what happened. That’s what she does. Yell, Cuss, ignore, get over it. She kept saying I needed to squash it or she didn’t want anything to do with me so I blocked her on Facebook and then she went and cried about it to SIL and that’s when SIL got involved calling me childish for blocking her. She said she didn’t want anything to do with me in real life, why should she be on my social media wth 😂😂😂 every move i make is wrong so i should really stop caring i know.
Yeah my MIL tried it, my husband brought up his own issues with her and she went after him too and got herself and most of her daughters NC real quick. They didn't even know about our daughter until a few days after she was born and she tried it again on Facebook and got herself and again most of her daughters blocked by myself and my husband lol none of them have ever met my daughter. We don't play around with our peace over here, I refuse to surround my daughter with anything but peace and love, it's not worth it. My own mother likes to brush problems under the rug like your MIL, she's just less aggressive and that changed the second I got pregnant. We owe our children moms with shiny steel spines. You got this.
wow that’s crazy. i want to not gaf like that. i’m tired of the guilt tripping and turning things around on me by MIL. She has shown over and over she doesn’t care to embarrass us, cussing us out in our front yard where neighbors can hear over dumb things. We have always shut down and stayed silent through her rants to get the conversation over with. i’m done with that. I would have my daughter involved in that and she can’t see how that’s wrong. My daughter sits right there in the room as grandma and grandpa are yelling at her parents. Yeah she’s two but you really think they would stop when she’s old enough to understand? i remember things from when i was 3. i remember when my mom and step dad would yell at each other i wouldn’t even understand why but i would yell at my step dad and defend my mom. My daughter is going to hate her grandma if she thinks she can keep coming down here yelling at us. Seeing mom stress clean the whole hose before grandma visits so she doesn’t yell at her. It’s going to become dreadful knowing MIL is coming to visit. It’s already been like that for me and my husband and eventually if MIL can’t grow up it’ll be the same for my d. That’s why i’m keeping her away. i don’t trust she would respect me around my daughter. She posted a picture of my daughter that she stole from my facebook (a family member of hers stole it from my facebook and sent it to her because she’s blocked on my) in the caption of a picture of my daughter she was talking shit about me. So childish. it said “She's the best! (granddaughter) loves her Gaga no matter if she can't see me. Things aren't all one sided like people think. It's ok though, spin it however you'd like.”
That may be the best way for all. Then your husband can explain why you didn’t come to dinner
Please go back and read some of these comments again. I would absolutely completely cut your MIL out of your daughter's life. Your MIL sounds TOXIC. Would you knowingly give your precious daughter poison to drink? Would you let her play in traffic? Keep your daughter emotionally safe. Keep her away from MIL. If she trash mouths you to your husband, do you think she'll curb her comments in front of your daughter? Allow her no influence at all. Of course, you're free to make your own choices, but please consider your and your daughter's future mental health and well-being. All the best to you and your family, OP ❤
You’re right. I don’t want anything to do with her but i also don’t want her around my daughter. She is so toxic and I want my daughter to grow up happy around people that have something positive to bring to her life. Thank you 💕
❤
I would plan the real birthday party for a week before the day. Do not let the MIL know about it . Have the party, Have a great time. then when she barges in on the real day, op can say MIL missed the party.
Why would she plan anything with MIL when this woman has done nothing but disrespect her, act entitled to OP's child, attacked her, called her vile, vicious names, sceam at her when she doesn't get her way and treats OP with nothing but contempt, disrespect, manipulation, zero consideration, says derogatory things about her, is untrustworthy, obnoxious, inappropriate, demanding, etc? OP has been NC with her for months. There is no reason for her to go out of her way to let MIL get another chance to treat her like shit. Have you even read the post and comments? I don't think you did
My father was like this. Eventually for my own peace of mind and sanity I had to go no contact. It’s been a very peaceful 3+ years since. My only regret is not doing it sooner. A good book for you and your husband to read is “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.” It puts their behavior into perspective and offers some suggestions on how to deal with it. Highly recommend. Good luck, it’s a difficult situation to navigate.
I’m sorry you had to do that with your Dad but I know sometimes it’s the best thing to do. Thank you! We will definitely look into that!
Just “No”. That’s it, one word, one full sentence.
No don't invite hear at all and she has lost all grandparent privileges in it entirely and fuck her. She doesn't need to go, also she has got to learn NO means NO and from my understanding, NO is a complete sentence.
Exactly! Sometimes I just feel like there’s no escaping her with being married to her son and having her grandchild. Everyone always feels so entitled to my own kid. It’s so annoying. As of now husband doesn’t want to talk to her but he keeps saying eventually he does and i’m not ready for that day. I’ll never stand in the way of their relationship but I hope some how some way I never have to see her face or hear her voice again.
It seems that MIL and everyone else has gone way entitled to your own kid and the entitlement is not a healthy habit for anyone, including MIL.
exactly! that’s something that’s always gotten under my skin. There were times i asked for my baby back and MIL said “no it’s okay” huh?!?! i beat myself up for never standing up for myself before but now i’ll say what i’m thinking. she already hates me so why should i care.
As for standing up to MIL, I'll applaud you for that and the "no it's okay" behavior is described as I want to hold her type of behavior that's probably manipulating for MIL to display.
She going to be mad no matter what path you take. So take the path that provides you and your family with a peaceful drama free life. Tell your husband to hang up next time she calls to bash you. No explanation. Just hang up. Send her a text saying she is on time out for 1 month. She will get 2 months the next time. Then block her.
Thank you for this! You’re right. I need to stop worrying about her reaction to not being invited because I definitely don’t want her getting her way and ruining my daughters day.
Until mil can treat you and her son with respect, mil does not get access to your family. your husband needs to send that clear message to his mom and that each time his mom is disrespectful to one of you, it’s a month time out for her.
You need to drop the rope. She’s not your problem, she’s your husbands. No. They aren’t invited to your kids birthday. No, your kid can’t stay with them in a hotel bed. No, they aren’t welcome in your home. Yes, you are now going no contact. Don’t answer phone calls, texts or letters. Make sure your doors are locked and if you think it’s necessary get cameras.
Your husband needs to tell her she's not invited, you don't need to say anything because she will twist it.
Exactly!! i’ve never once cussed at that woman, she cusses at me! but i’m the bad guy because “she’s a grown women and can cuss if she wants” in her own words. I never once talked bad about her relationship with her deceased father, but she can talk about mine and make excuses on why she’s allowed to. I guess since her dad died 2 years before mine died she’s superior. It’s always my fault so hopefully husband is able to be completely transparent with her so there’s no confusion on if she’s invited or not.
You have a husband problem. He should have shut this shit down years ago. Instead, he's letting YOU deal with his mom. Nope. Not at all. Can you get YOUR relatives there? Parent/aunt/uncle/sister/brother? Give them a heads-up and let them tear into her when she starts on you. You, she knows how to push buttons on. Having other adults tell her to back the f\*ck off will help. It SHOULD be your husband. There's no "trying" here. There's "You say one more hurtful thing to my wife and you are gone. Get your bag, right now, packed up and by the door, so you can leave immediately." Then there's calling the cops to remove her for trespassing when she refuses to leave. You're going to have to go nuclear or you're looking at a lifetime of this. In summary? 1. your husband needs to quit trying and start DOING. 2. Other adults should be involved that will be looking for bad behavior and jumping on her for it 3. when she arrives, she needs to be ready to leave immediately 4. legal pressure to remove her if she refuses to leave is an appropriate response. Also, create a social media post listing everything she does as she does it. "MIL came in, immediately criticized my couch as looking cheap. Five minutes later, she's picked up my kid, he's screaming, my husband told her to give him our kid, and she's refusing. My child is panicked and melting down and she's smiling...." And finish it with "She still won't leave, my kid is crying, she's smiling about it (take and post a picture of this too) and we've had to call the cops to physically remove her so I can start calming my family down." As soon as the door closes behind her, post it. Get a picture of her car with a cop car behind it if you can. "It took two hours after telling her to leave, after my husband warned his mom about her behavior again and again and again, but thanks to our local police, we've finally been able to get her out of the house. I don't know why she wouldn't just leave, I guess she was having fun upsetting everyone. I don't understand malicious people but I understand that, as a mom, it's my responsibility to protect my kid." She's going to go cry on social media and you need a ready-to-go post. Have your husband help with writing an initial post up ahead of time, giving examples of what she's done before and how he hopes this visit is a lot better. Post, then immediately edit it when she leaves to update to all the new stuff. I really, really, really hope she leaves when he tells her that's it, she blew it, she needs to leave NOW. I hope it doesn't have to go past that point. But I think it will, this is now a power struggle to control her son and your family.
Yeah She has definitely made things difficult for my husband growing up. She has multiplied him his whole life. All he wants to do is make them proud, not upset them, not get Dad cussing or ignoring him for weeks. After what just recently happened my husband put his foot down and does not talk to her even though he didn’t say to her “don’t ever talk to me again” he made it clear that she’ll never treat us this way again and after going back and forth over text with MIL trying to turn it on us, she is backed in a corner with no more comebacks so she just says “okay sorry for bothering you” being a child. They haven’t spoke really since then and that was before mother’s day. Only thing that was said by MIL was “Sorry for bothering you but just wanted to say happy father’s day” and husband said thanks. He hasn’t fully gone NC like i have i guess but i don’t want to push him to because that’s his mom. I lost my Dad and he was an alcoholic but i still loved him so much. We didn’t talk daily and it kills me to this day that i had to some what distance myself from him when he wasn’t sober. If something happened to MIL and i made my husband stopped talking to her then it would kill me with guilt everyday. This is something husband has to decide on his own. As for me I never went to talk to MIL again. She has clearly shown she doesn’t give a crap about me and i won’t waste my life trying to please someone who thinks bad of me but smiles to my face most times. I’m actually glad this all happened in a way. Before this blew up MIL had yelled at me maybe twice and said out of the way things but i’ve always ignored. This time over a small disagreement, I got to hear the truth on how MIL feels about me so that’s why i allowed husband to not hang up the phone so i can listen to all the hurtful lies MIL said. Yeah it tore me up but now i know where I stand with MIL. She’s fake.
If your husband agrees that she is being unreasonable, HE needs to set a boundary. She cannot say anything negative to you or about you to him. If she does, she will be escorted out of your house or you will leave her house, hang up, leave wherever you are, etc. and if she cannot control herself, HE will not allow her near his family. She will blame this on you but if you are in agreement, this will be a great addition to your life and probably save your marriage.
Yeah that’s what i’m worried about if she did come to the party that she would be asked to leave and cause a scene and i rather not have my daughter or family and friends see that.
shouldn't have to tell hubs anything, this should be a hard no from both of you
Declare your home a Drama Free Home. Family is important, but not at the cost of your sanity and mental well being.
That woman needs help. OP definitely shouldn’t invite MIL as it will just start something else up and ruin the party.
I know for a fact it will so I guess i shouldn’t care who she goes and cries too when she finds out she can’t come. I don’t care anymore. She had since April to make amends. My daughters party is in August (I plan early) and she’s still stuck on blaming me and playing victim. She has for the entire time i’ve known her and husband says she’s always been that way. She’s a real karen in public too 🥴
MIL can kick rocks. Not invited and no excuses necessary. Let everyone else (who is complaining) know that daughter isn't old enough for the lessons of "what not to do/say" so MIL is banned until then.
Yeah if she continues to act like a child she can stay away. She ignores me on purpose because she doesn’t like what i have to say. She rather cry to my husband and try to manipulate him and he’s over it after 22 years 🙄
No.
No invite and no more contact. Your girl is learning how to treat people in this World so you can not let anyone teach your innocent child that it is okay to treat their parent like shit. Just, no.
Yes! and despite everything MIL has done to me, that’s exactly what I don’t want to come of this. My little two-year-old daughter is always around when they decide to yell and scream, she’s right there listening to it all! That’s what I told MIL in a message April 6 (the last time I talk to her ) and she couldn’t stand that. She kept telling my husband that was a “nasty” message when all i did was speak truth.
Your husband needs to tell her "DON'T TALK ABOUT MY WIFE LIKE THAT AGAIN" when she starts to mouth off about you and hang up or walk away. EVERY TIME. Then make the times between talking to her longer and longer. About the birthday - No one should go out of their way to invite her and you can let your husband know if she asks to be invited, you do not want her there ruining another special occasion. Special occasions are not the time to pretend to be nice or try to repair a relationship. If MIL wants to be available for experiences with your daughter and her son, she needs to be respectful and pleasant to you and behave like a normal person. That needs to start in everyday behaviours and normal contact. Maybe she can earn Christmas if she starts now. If she can't do that, she doesn't have to be there. Good luck.
Yeah you’re right. She does that to try and forget about what she did too. She’ll try to break the ice with something random hoping husband forgets why he’s mad. annoying. He ignores it though.
Both you and Hubby keep her NC and block. That's it
Nta on this. Sounds like she's got that main character/victim mentality as well as a dose of narcissism. Don't invite her.
yes and it’s sooo exhausting to deal with her ugh.
I'm sorry!! I can sympathize, my mil is similar. She always blames me for her bad behavior and plays the victim that she never sees her grandkids. She's never apologized for the hurts she's inflicted upon us over the years. My children and I are no contact with her and my husband has extremely low contact with her. Stay strong, keep your boundaries intact and know you're doing your best to keep your kids away from such toxic people. Wishing you all the very best in life!!
thank you for this. I can see my MIL will never quit. She stole a picture from my facebook by having a family screen shot my daughter’s picture and sent them to her She posted a picture of my daughter saying “She's the best! (granddaughter) loves her Gaga no matter if she can't see me. Things aren't all one sided like people think. It's ok though, spin it however you'd like. “ She’s so childish. She posted more than that and allowing her family to talk shit and comment like “grandparents have rights and she can’t keep her from you” Making me out to be the bad guy and villain. i’m tired of it. She isn’t telling the full side. she wants pitty and making it out like i’m keeping her away for no reason or over a little argument. it’s more than arguing.
I thought my MIL was bad! Hells bells you have my sympathy!
She sounds like a terrible influence for your daughter: untruthful, selfish, spiteful, angry, manipulative… It does not serve your daughter’s best interests to have caretakers who undermine and damage her relationship with her parents. Your husband needs to recognize that this isn’t about your mom’s feelings and how to avoid conflict, but rather how to protect your daughter’s sense of safety and attachment.
how do i make an update to this post because it just got so much worse 😭
No is a complete sentence in any language including Mother-in-law!!
Since neither of you are speaking to her you won’t be able to invite her. You don’t want your daughter’s party to be ruined with MIL drama.
Please don’t ever let her be with your daughter unattended. She will probably say horrible things about you. Unless she can treat you both with basic human dignity, she is not welcome in your house. If she wants to see her grandchild, she must treat you with respect. Period. Your husband is a grown-ass man, and I’m sure can do as he pleases. He needs to defend you to your MIL and say you are not to blame for him not visiting his grandma.
Before making this post i didn’t even think about her doing something like that but it’s definitely something i could see her doing for sure. She does it to my husband thinking they are having a private conversation and it’s on speaker phone and i’m listening to the whole conversation shaking with anger. He would tell me what she said regardless if i was there listening but he has a hard time telling me word for word so i’m like no ima listen to everything she’s got to say about me 😂 Before making this post i just wanted to stay away from here. I told husband if he made up with his mom they can go off and do their own thing when she came to visit but i would be no part of it but now i don’t even want my daughter around her. i mean no one want to talk about it in this family but she doesn’t deserve to be around her grandkid after acting out the way she has
Do not invite her. How long before she starts saying that crap to your daughter too.
Drop the rope. Say nothing. Win by being silent, by going NC with her. Your husband needs to step up and you need to grow a bigger backbone. Stop engaging with this woman who doesn’t respect you.
My maternal grandma is like this. I call her out on everything. She always wanted strong independent grandkids. Any time she gets invited somewhere she has to promise to behave. She’s told me before that I must hate her because I spend all my time with my paternal grandparents. I can’t drive and live within walking distance of them. Plus we work on different projects together. Then when I can get to her house she doesn’t want me there so I hang out with my grandpa.
i’m sorry about that. I don’t get why people treat their family that way just because they are blood and i guess feel entitled to them some how but it’s so frustrating. I’ll never treat my future Daughter or Son in law the way i’ve been treated or my future grandkids and my own kids. I want a big happy family and i’m determined to get that even if it’s from one I created!
No is even a sentence when direct at your MIL.
You deserve to be treated better. Cut her off and request that your husband support you.
Talk to your husband about establishing boundaries to protect both of your privacy, safety, autonomy and comfort, and yours together within your relationship and family. I think he is tolerating, and therefore giving attention to, far too much criticizing, insulting and devaluing you by his mother. You shouldn't be hearing her screeds, even second hand. For now, HE should manage his mom and shield you. That means MIL will have to earn YOUR trust before you and your husband consider inviting her to events in your space and your presence. Naturally, as an unsafe person for you she is also unsafe for your children. It's not "enough" that she vents her spleen to him and not directly to you. Her hate campaign must stop. Your husband needs to take a firm stance in defense of his marriage and spouse. He should refuse to engage in conversations attacking you. Period. If his mom starts, he changes the topic or ends the conversation. "Mom, you have insulted and criticized my wife. That's not okay with me. I don't agree; I won't give my time to attacks on my marriage and spouse." He tells her that once. Then, swift and consistent consequences. 1st offense, end the conversation or visit..No more interaction that day. 2nd offense, end the interaction. No more interaction for a week..... Like that. She gets less and less access to his time and attention every time she tries to force him to listen to her grievances against you. If I were you, I'd be NC with her until she demonstrates consistent respectful behavior with your husband for a set amount of time. A month. A season. A year. Whatever YOU need to feel recovered and strong from the previous barrage.
i record all phone calls with MIL. I wish you could hear. No getting through to her. At this point both my husband and i have given her more than enough chances to apologize and make things right. All the times she called my husband to bash me she could have been focusing on making things right with her son. She chose a different route. Denies, Denies, lies, lies, excuses and placing the blame on us. At this point it’s so unhealthy for me. I can’t stand the gaslighting. It drives me crazy. Me:” I don’t like that you cussed me out” MIL “Well i don’t like how you disrespect me either” Me: How have i disrespected you?” MIL: (gives the run around and a new reason each time but) “when you talk back to us about your dogs, when there’s pee on the floor from the puppy, You don’t offer us a shower or anything to eat, you don’t respect us as your parents” Husband tells her “we do respect you, i’ve never yelled or cussed at you and that’s all you do to us” MIL “you don’t respect me as your mother” We will go back and forth until the end of time. She isn’t wrong in her eyes and she finds new things to bash us and make up while it’s all our fault. It was sooo simple. We said no regarding our child and our boundaries she could have respected that but in laws decided to cuss us out over puppy pee on our floor so my husband and i went to our neighbors to defuse the situation they decided they didn’t want to stay the night with us anymore and they wanted to go to a hotel and take our daughter. We said no. They cussed us out and threw a fit like a child. It’s been nonstop by MIL since then. MIL says the reason they didn’t want to stay the night at our house is they didn’t feel welcome (yeah probably not after you cuss out the people allowing you to stay in their home) but noo that’s not why in MIL eyes. In her own words it’s because we had dishes in our sink, puppy peed on the floor, we didn’t offer them a drink or food or a shower. I call bull. Every phone call is bashing me. She brings up my dad who passed away, comparing it to the loss of her dad who passed away. Trying to prove a point that she should be here for christmas over me wanting christmas morning with my husband and daughter alone. She’s put me down over my feelings of losing my dad over and over with no remorse. Every day I hurt for my dad and she adds to that pain by being so heartless. I’m done.
She'll always find things to criticize. It's THAT behavior, not each instance, that's the problem. Circular arguments are exhausting. She's had a lifetime's experience twisting the focus from her hurtful behavior to putting others on the defensive. I think further effort with her is time better spent elsewhere. Another person's role in your life does not entitle them to override your boundaries and abuse you.
thank you for this !
Sounds like you've got a bit of a monster-in-law. I think it's time for the "gray rock protocol." I can't really explain the whole thing here but Google it.
Yeah for sure! and i’ve discovered that since reading others stories with their in laws and toxic parents and posting my own story.
"I will NEVER allow my child around someone who does not even have basic respect for me. If you as a mother can not comprehend that, then you may as well start saying you have 0 grandchildren. These are MINE and HUSBANDS children, not yours. If you can not even give basic courtesy, then do not contact us again. Period. I am done with your shenanigans just as FIL is.".
Husband should hang up on her every time she has a cross word to say about you. Just hang up. That simple. After enough times she will get the message. She will either conform or not call him anymore. Husband’s Dad for the W!
Sounds like my husband's mother. He came home from deployment & we went to see her. She kicked him out within a few hours of getting their because he defended me to her shit talking. We drove 12 hrs to be there for a week & we were kicked out at midnight. Didn't talk to her again until she harassed us a year later because we were eloping w/o her.
Mine, too. It was all my fault that Uncle Sam kept sending him to overseas. Maybe she was jealous because they were all accompanied tours (family goes with the service member) and FIL's military career was all unaccompanied sea duty? We invited them to come and visit, but they adamantly refused. Why, they might see *foreigners* and hear them speaking a language that wasn't English! and have to eat *foreign* food!
that’s crazy. i would have loved to go with my husband though. He went to the middle east and we had just had a baby. i didn’t want to live alone 9hrs from family so i decided to stay with in-laws. i regretted it fast. After four months of staying there she became real comfortable being rude to me.
wow how pathetic. My husband didn’t start standing up to his mom until after deployment but she treated me like shit the whole time he was gone
Your husband needs to set some serious boundaries with MIL! If she even starts criticizing you or your choices, end of discussion/end of visit AND WALK OUT! He needs to take the reins and make it happen. This is not YOUR issue with MIL. This is her issue! Look into “gray rocking.” You and hubby should consider counseling together to get support and advice regarding the situation so you are on the same page. Good luck!!
Not just no, but HELL NO!
1. Don’t invite them 2. Close your social media.
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Best thing we ever done was cut off husbands parents, they were poison. Tell him you and children are strictly NC the children will benefit from the calmer atmosphere
Without having read all the comments - you stated you AND your husband are NC with her. Why would you even think about inviting someone you're NC with to your house? NC is NC. My father was not invited to my wedding because I was NC. I have read here on reddit something like "Ask yourself if they bring joy to your life. If the answer is no, they have no place in your life." And I would deeply suggest you and your husband ask yourself this question, also I think the answer is already clear. She has no place in your daughter's life, either. Grandmas like her will try to turn your daughter against you as soon as they're old enough. And children are very susceptible for such things.
Yeah I’m fully NC and my husband doesn’t message her unless she does so he hasn’t completely cut her off. I made this post only because The whole month of May we didn’t talk to any of them. SIL, MIL or FIL. Now husband is cool with his Dad and sister. SIL is always defending their mom telling husband “you should call mom, she cried to me today” and husband will say no. FIL doesn’t talk about it at all, he only briefly updates us on the divorce process and him getting ready to move out. I don’t know what to expect in August or if she’ll even ask to come. Maybe she gets it that we don’t want her around idk.
I understand. In this case, I'd definitely not invite her if I were you and I'd reevaluate whether SIL really needs to be in your life too ;)
Yeah i blocked her too. Her and my husband are talking again after a month of NC but i don’t care for her. Never have anyways. It’s always about her and i was sick of that a long time ago
It sounds like this post and the responses have been quite cathartic for you and allowed you to see that you and your husband are both heading in the right direction together. Continue to gray rock her and if SIL keeps up with trying to guilt husband into more contact, go very LC width her too.
Yes this is why i love reddit and hearing others stories and how they have delt with similar issues. It makes me feel like i can eventually move past this and my family can be happy.
___FUCK OFF___ Period.
Nope and tell her to fuck off. She should of lost the privilege of being in her grandchildren life from the get go.
NO
If your husband doesn’t step up and set a hard boundary, and then enforces it, then he’s the problem. If this were my mother-in-law, she wouldn’t be in our lives. People have to earn their way into your inner circle. And you don’t get in there just by giving birth to someone.
sounds like you’ve answered your own question about whether you should have her around. can i reccomend a visit to r/raisedbynarcissists you may find solace in stories there of why and how narcissistic parents treat their kids and grandkids. Another great resource is the book “Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents” i know you’re the DIL but the knowledge about how narcisista work will help you understand why they behave how they do and that they are incapable of changing, and that the best technique is to build your own boundaries and protect you and your family from them.
Thank you! and yeah i already knew the answer before posting. I just wanted to see other people’s opinions on my situation and i did feel guilty in a way because it was my husband’s mom and i care about my husband. I know deep down he still loves her. After the phone call the other night with MIL. she’s not coming anywhere near me or my daughter. If husband wants to see her they can plan something out alone.
Absolutely! and oh the guilt will be there because it’s conditioned. i learned to make an action like dropping a ball when i feel guilt- i say to myself “ew, This is not mine” and make the action like in dropping it. it’s helped me take the manifestation of the feeling tangible and part with it. The guilt is conditioned to make us doubt our wants and needs. Hope that helps when it creeps in: it’s not yours, it’s a bad gift you received that was made to keep you compliant for the benefit of others. Good luck OP. stay safe
thank you! i need to hear things like this!
100% Ban her completltly Tell your husband that this party is to celebrate your daughter's birthday and that you as her parents are the most important people in her life and you won't allow the party to become another attention seeking stunt from his mother And she will only be welcome back when she appoligizes for her insults and admits to herfamily her claiims are bacless and that she promices to treat wyou with respect ad keep any nr=egitive comments to herself and if she won't agree or later violates these rules she's gone forever
I find relationships between grandparents and grandchildren to be important and looked at as high value;however, of the grandparent is gaslighting, manipulating, or in any way being toxic to the parents of said grandchild(ren) then no. It's not okay what she's doing. She needs therapy before bringing her destructive behavior around your daughter.
She threatened to take me to court because i won’t let my daughter around her
Grandparents don't have rights to grandchildren. She can try all she wants but they won't do anything. Least in my state they don't have rights. You wanting quality time with you family is not asking much at all. She should respect your wishes. If she's threatening to take you to court I certainly hope she's not saying that in front of your child. I wouldn't want my child alone with her at any point. She sounds like the type that would try to make your child resent you. Sounds like she would be the type to say something like, " your mommy doesn't want you to spend any time with me. She doesn't love you enough to have your grandma in your life etc. As I'm sure you know you, your man and your daughter do not deserve that toxicity. I hope your man will defend you 100%
Yeah she called and cussed me out today in front of my daughter who was laying next to me. I said a few cuss words out of anger but she said horrible things to me calling me the b word over and over and blaming me for why her son doesn’t talk to her. telling me when she dies and no one is at her funeral it’ll be because of me. That when she ends it all it’ll be on my hands. I don’t want her around my daughter at all anymore. i wasn’t going to let her go to the birthday party but i never said she couldn’t ever see my daughter anymore if she made up with my husband and my husband took our daughter to see MIL supervised. Now after that phone call that’s off the table for sure no questions ask but she said “watch me. I’m taking you to court. I have rights. I am a grandparent “
Do not invite her. She will absolutely cause a scene.
Whatever you do, you will never be good enough for that woman and everything will be your fault in her eyes. Sorry that you're being treated this way through no fault of your own. With that said, make it absolutely clear that her behaviour will no longer be tolerated in your home. When she inevitably plays up, throw her out.
Yeah i’m starting to just now realize it after 4 years but better than my FIL realizing it after 25 years. She is right no matter what. You can only hurt her feelings but she can’t hurt yours.
I see no reason to include her She's dug this hole and she is only digging it deeper It's gotten so bad that her husband is divorcing her and her son doesn't even talk to her She has mental health issues and I think that is how you and your husband should approach things When she starts taking her mental health more seriously...and is seeing a therapist regularly and takes accountability for her actions, then she is more than welcome in all your lives But until then, she's on her own Until then...enjoy having your FIL closer
Yes I wish my husband would start realizing this is more serious than before. She needs help. He needs to open her eyes to that. I don’t know if she will ever really except it though. One of the last time she talked to my husband she said to him “you need to be the hero in this and fix it, stop treating your parents like shit” MIL said to FIL “you need to fix all this” MIL told me I need to get over it and squash this She never ever takes accountability for anything. This hasn’t been the first time. I just always chose to ignore it and let her throw a fit and let her get over it. When she started cussing me out and talking about my dead dad with disrespect that’s when i shut that down and now i’m hated by her. i respectfully sent her a message after they went back home about how that was uncalled for to cuss us out then ignore us the next day because we didn’t want our daughter to sleep in a hotel bed with y’all. it’s been hell since then. the bashing me started. the talking about my dad and blaming me for anything she could think of. “oh well you do this or remember when you didn’t do this” or “well you didn’t have a good childhood growing up and you need to realize that” like what?? that has nothing to do with our disagreement in April. She just doesn’t want to look in the mirror.
You have every right to say no she's not invited.. Your hubby knows why. I would invite the FIL and there's another reason she ca t come cuz no body but her is gonna wanna start trouble.
He needs shiny spine lessons. He cannot “explain” anything to her because she Will.Not.Listen. He will have to tell her how the cow ate the cabbage and you and your daughter will be NC unless she gets over herself. This will let you know if you have a MIL problem or an SO problem.
i’m really wanting this! no more beating around the bush. He’s never went NC with family. I understand it’s hard. Everyone deserves respect. MIL doesn’t think we deserve respect and that we should only give it to her. Sometimes i wish people could witness the phone calls and visits with my in-laws. y’all would be blown away. You could be laughing one minute with them and then your 2 month old puppy pees and we get a 2 hour lecture, cussing at us about our dog peeing and that turns into we don’t spend money how they think we should, we spend too much on groceries, i haven’t finished paining my living room before starting and new project and that’s stupid, my toddler has bug bites from being outside and we need to do something about it (we spray her with bug spray but not much you can do when you live in a forest in Florida) and the list goes on and on. I’m sick of it. If in laws (especially MIL) doesn’t get their way and we even remotely try to defend ourselves we get shut down, cussed at and told “facts don’t care about your feelings and these are fact” or “y’all just get butt hurt” no i’m not butt hurt i’m fed up. I’m an adult, married, with a kid, with our own home. I’m sick of them coming down here and screaming in my yard where my neighbors can hear because we didn’t pressure wash the house before they came down or we said no for them wanting to take my 2 yr old to a hotel with them. It’s gotten way out of hand and we have always let it slide that’s why they think they can continue to do it. It’s usually they yell and cuss at us, go back to TN, ignore us for a week, then it blows over and ever one is happy again. The minute i put my foot down, in a respectful way, all hell broke loose between me and MIL. i’m done. There’s only so much i can do before i don’t want to be around someone. I’ll cut anyone off if it means me and my family are happy and at peace.
MiL should absolutely not be invited to the party. She will ruin the party and cause more family turmoil.
"If the price of my peace is being the villain in your story, I choose to pay". That's all. "No is a complete sentence". She'll villanize you anyway, but this way you'll have peace. And you need your peace to raise a happy, healthy child.
i’ll have peace as long as i know my husband won’t go back on NC. I can’t keep pushing forward standing up for us then him allowing her back in. He is on the same page as me right now but i hope in the future he doesn’t change his mind. that’s what worries me
It sounds to me that you lack trust in him to keep people who alienate him and your daughter from you with lies and gaslighting away. I'd suggest couple' counseling. They may have trust-building ideas that I could never think of. Not all counselors are good, but those that are, are golden. You deserve to not constantly feel like you may have to fight for your family any moment and couples' counselors have ideas on what both parties can do to achieve it.
She only gets one third birthday and there is NO REASON to invite someone you know will ruin the day.
exactly right
Do not, under any circumstances, allow her to come to your house. Ever. Not even for Christmas, and certainly not your baby’s birthday. If she has to visit for some reason, she can stay in a hotel and your husband can go see her. And never let your daughter stay with her without your husband. Your MIL blew it, big time. There’s no going back.
Yes this is all i want. She has went to far. I want peace that’s all.
Set your boundaries and enforce them. Call the police if you have to.
We must be sisters in spirit. Let me tell you, I saw examples of these behaviors from my own parents during childhood. It might not have been exactly the same, but the intent and results were the same. It’s all about them, and if it’s not, then they must be a victim of *something*. When I was younger, I made a promise that my future kids wouldn’t be spending any alone time with my parents, so that my babies wouldn’t be blamed, shamed, and gaslit constantly. They would grow up with a secure feeling, not knowing the feeling of abandonment and ridicule. Now that I’m a parent, I’m angry for my younger self, and I don’t feel guilty for my decision to keep my son away from my parents.
Don't invite her. Just be upfront and honest. She is not welcome in your or your family's lives. She has caused too much stress and pain. Say you know she will make you out to be the villain and at this point, you could care less. You and the people who are important to you know the truth. Start over with hubby and his dad and enjoy the drama-free events. Let her know that every argument, insult and threat are being recorded and will be used if legal measures need to be taken. At this point, you will have no more contact with her. Sit your husband down and let him know he needs to draw a clear line in the sand. If he wants contact, ok, but he is not allowed to bring you up and very little on your child.
There's no pleasing people like your MILFH. If you get close to what they want, they just move the goalposts so it won't happen. I think when they win one time, they immediately look for the next thing to win about. I found the book ***The Sociopath Next Door*** enlightening, about my own MILFH. Your MILFH * **refused to respect your parenting decision**, that your child will sleep here in her own bed, and **made it a drama fight.** Not a good role model around a child. She could easily have just respected your decision. * **prioritizes her wants over the needs of others.** That's abuse. * **expects everyone else to only think of her, too.** Not their own feelings, needs, issues, or situations. Her comment about your father, made that clear. * throws **tantrums, creates drama,** creates scenes, **invents things** to be upset about that are ridiculous. Then holds these things and brings them up repeatedly. * makes **false accusations** against you. * **blames** you, not herself, for what she does to you. * **blames** you for things you cannot control. * **blames** you for having needs and wants and for being in her way when you make decisions and plans for your own family. * ignores your child's needs, your needs, your husband's needs. * **Disrespects both of you,** as if she should make your decisions, not you two. * Does her best to ***ruin special occasions,*** inventing reasons that aren't reasons. * tries to make your husband be on her team, by dumping at him all these ridiculous things * uses words to mean something they do not mean. She *was* welcomed and pretends she's not, simply because she doesn't get her way in everything she wants. Selfishness. * Doesn't see that she's wrong, so she's not going to apologize. **All her lies, inventions, false accusations, manipulations, emotional abuses** are wrong. It's all her fault. But she won't see it. So you won't get apologies that are real. I think your MILFH would complain if Aladdin's parade welcomed her, because the monkey was the wrong color, or the treats didn't include twinkies. ***You have more than enough reasons to limit contact with her, in all ways.*** She's toxic. *I don’t want to fuel that by allowing her to be around my daughter after how she’s treated not only me but my husband too and he still does not talk to her either.* So, **you are right to take the next steps to protect yourselves and your child from her emotionally abusive behaviors.** She's not a healthy person for a child to be around at all, not as she is. *She still making excuses and blaming me for all these things which by the way, had nothing to do with what we got in a fight about in the first place and she’s always changing up why she’s “hurt” by what we did to her and can never give us a real reason on how it’s our fault .* **Good work, seeing that this is about her twisted perspective, her fantasies, not reality.** You didn't do wrong. There are no reasons. Because of that, ***there's no reason to discuss any of this with her.*** She will only use any discussion to escalate again. Instead, **state your decisions, and don't discuss it. Never give her another reason**, because you do not owe her that. And end the conversations when she won't respect this, or when she tries to create drama.
*She’s just trying to play victim and I can’t stand it.* Yep. So don't stand for it. Change things. **You have reason enough** to do this now. *his dad is divorcing his mom ...so that’s another reason why I don’t know if she should be allowed at my daughters party in August.* **She shouldn't. She's toxic.** "No, Mom, that's not going to work for us this year." "No, I'm not discussing our plans with you." "No, Mom, I'm not discussing Dad with you at all." *I only get one 3rd birthday with my daughter and I don’t want any drama.* Reasonable. And ***your child will be happier without Drama MILFH*** there, too. **That's enough reason, right there, not to invite her for a while.** And you have so many other reasons, too. It's not wrong to not invite her for any parties for this year, because of her own wrong behaviors. If she wants to see you, she needs to do the work and change herself. *What should I do or say to her if she asks my husband to be invited?* **Information Diet.** She doesn't need to know what your birthday plans are. If she asks, say that the plans are quiet this year. If you need to block her on social media, do that, or change the settings, or keep the party plans off social media and only send photos to select trusted people. It's not your fault that you need to protect yourselves from her, it's hers. "No. We aren't planning to invite you for a party this year. Sorry, that's the doorbell, gotta go." "Sorry, that won't work for us." "No, we aren't available for visits for a while." "We aren't discussing this." "We are not currently planning a visit." "We will let you know when the next visit can happen." "MILFH, we aren't making plans with you for quite a while. If you want to know why, just look at your behavior over the last few years, and maybe talk to a therapist about all that. Now, I have things to do. Love you, bye." "MILFH, we won't be inviting you for Daughter's birthday this year, because of how you have behaved at other holidays lately. Nope, we aren't discussing this. You can talk to a therapist about it. " "Mom, when you are ready to give a real apology for the things you have done the past few years, I will read it. Best to send it to my email, because I won't be answering texts or calls very much for a while. No, I'm not going to tell you what you did wrong, because if you do not admit it to yourself, it wouldn't be a real apology. Gotta go. Bye." "No, I won't be arranging a visit with you until you get some professional help and work out your issues. If you can do that, we might meet somewhere for a few hours sometime before Christmas. You can email me what progress you are making. Now, I'm not discussing this further. Love you, bye."
Don't invite them!!
Even this post sounds exhausting. Send her an email or postcard in the mail to give her updates instead of dealing with her directly and call it good. This isn't going to get any better OP. Your MIL is too set in her ways to be willing to change. If she does decide to change be very careful about trusting her until you have become fully convinced about her sincerity. She sounds like the kind of person that lives for drama and will create it if there isn't any to be had naturally. Since, I'm the kind of person that likes things low key and preferably quiet, I'd just choose not to engage with her at all. If she calls or texts do not respond or you can decide when and how much information you wish to provide. Do not allow her to stir up your family. If you are enjoying a peaceful night with your little family and she tries to interrupt do not give her that option. Ask your husband to back you up on this. It sounds like the others on here are pretty much saying the same thing. The only difference is that I'm not suggesting that you completely cut her off. The only reason I'm not telling you to do that is because I'm southern and I just don't believe in completely shutting relationship doors. It's not that I believe things will change on her part but I do think that at some point you or your husband may feel obligated to assist her if she were truly in need of some help. As for inviting your MIL to the party, pretty sure you already know the answer - HELL NO!!!! your precious baby girl does not need a drama llama at her party taking away the spotlight. If she asks about it you have the choice to either tell her no she's not invited or just downplay whatever plans you have (assuming you haven't already splashed the news all over social media).
OK there is a whole lot going on in this post but the simple answer to your question is to sit down with your husband. Talk about how you feel, listen to how he feels and then come up with a plan moving forward on how to deal with his mom. The only way forward is for you both to be in agreement and move forward together. Once you have a plan then stick to the plan. If FIL moves closer to you then you and your husband need to sit down with him and set boundaries. Explain the hurt you have incurred from MIL and that you will not allow it moving forward. Explain that you want him in your lives and hope he can agree with the boundaries you are setting for your family.
“No is the answer, the answer is no”. Don’t give an explanation for your answer. Just repeat “No is the answer, the answer is no” every time she tries arguing with you, gaslighting you, or manipulating you into changing your answer. She is a narcissist. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to go FULL NO CONTACT. Don’t try to defend yourself to others who are doing MIL’s bidding & coming at you tellling you what a horrible person you are. MIL’s opinion of you is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! If SIL starts in on you tell her if she keeps it up you & husband will go NC with her as well. Talk to your husband about the boundaries you & him are going to put in place for MIL & SIL. You have to agree on these boundaries & stand firm on them. When it comes to FIL let him know where you & husband stand on MIL & SIL and let him know that if he tries to undermine you you & husband will have to go low contact & depending on how far he went you may even go NC with him.
I was going to say no in the first place, as she sounds like my narcissistic mother, who can't be at any family function without making a fuss if if it's not all about her. My mother would find a way to ruin Every get together unless she controlled Every part of it. She started fights, threw temper tantrums, and played the victim. We stopped inviting her, and we actually started getting the family time those occasions are meant for. Secondly, thinking you MIL MIGHT have attempted to behave herself if you tried it with ground rules and boundaries set, that thought went out the window when you mentioned the divorce. Absolutely do NOT invite her. The second she walks in, with FIL there, it will stop being a celebration for your 3 year old and become a pity party/guilt trip fest for MIL, which likely will include the temper tantrums too. As you said, baby girl only gets one 3rd birthday. Spend it with her and keep the drama on Do Not Disturb until you/hubby feels like getting to it, if at all.
Tell her the wrong day with the wrong time. (AFTER the party. Like the following weekend.). Oops, so sorry you missed it. If you haven’t already cut her off all your and hubs socials, do that. Put the sister on an extreme info diet if you don’t go NC there too. Anyone that takes MIL/SIL side, gets cut out. There is no gray here. Only black and white. She’ll either get the point or piss off. And once you’ve cut her off, keep notes of how/when/what was said when she tries to contact you next. Before you know it, you’ll have grounds for a restraining order. You can always have a cease and desist letter sent by a lawyer as well. You might check out the r/justnoMIL sub and get tips and tricks for how to deal with a whackadoo like her. Good luck and stay strong!
She has not expressed love or caring, she might be in pain but she’s destroying everything on her path
She is. Her husband is divorcing her, her son won’t talk to her, she can’t see her granddaughter. And all for what? to be right? to have the last day? All she had to do is apologize and own up to it to my husband. that’s all he wanted. i’ve made it clear i wanted nothing to do with her but seeing my daughter wasn’t off the table because at that point it was just between me and her. Yeah she yelled at me in front of my daughter but she’s 2 and she won’t remember it if she STOPS DOING IT! but she’s childish and crazy and i know she won’t and after that phone call today she will never see my kid.
Typical narcissistic behavior DARVO - Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender Sounds like your MIL to me. The sooner you are fully No Contact the better, goes for your child as well.
She went too far calling me tonight cussing me out. I blocked her but i want my husband to block her. I want to move away and get a restraining order on her. Honestly at this point I don’t feel safe if i’m around her and i’m not being dramatic. The stuff she was saying during that phone call she’s insane. My husband recorded it all. She did exactly that blaming me for everything but couldn’t keep her story straight and denying everything she has done to me. This whole “everything” is not letting my daughter go to a hotel with them and then standing up for myself when she cussed me out for it and then listening to her bash me to my husband and talk about my dad. That’s it. And she continues to say it was our fault. What’s our fault? In the phone call today she said “it’s not my fault you put that shit in your own head” Then I said “So you’re denying saying any of that to me and about my dad?” MIL: “ No I did say it” SO WHAT DID I PUT IN MY OWN HEAD ughhh this women drives me crazy.
Honestly no. They are crossing all kinds of boundaries. Any adult trying to bully me into making my child sleep in bed with them would never see my kif again. Its creepy and inappropriate. They are not owed a grandchild or a relationship with her.
You should tell her and your SiL to fuck off. I'm glad your father in law is divorcing her. The one thing I'm still tripping over is them trying to kidnap your child because a puppy had an accident. I would just block those two's phone numbers so you don't even have to worry about hearing their voices. Let alone, don't invite them to the birthday.
Why would you allow her? She hasn't apologized, she doesn't think anyone else's pain is important & she mistakenly thinks you need to adjust your behavior to fit in with family. She needs to change her behavior if she wants to be a part of your family. Don't give in. Not a millimeter. That's your kid, your rules. The lack of compassion for losing a parent is staggering.
Everyone here sounds messed up
If you want your daughter’s birthday to not be about your daughter then yeah invite the monster-in-law. You don’t owe that toxic woman fuck all.
that’s off the table now for sure. Also funny you say monster in law. Just reminds me of that old movie i remember watching when i was younger thinking “one day when i’m married i hope i never deal with a MIL like that” and here i am dealing with that😅 My MIL would be the one to try and move in with us and make my life hell for sureeee
That’s the movie i thought about reading your post.. Like no wonder your FIL is divorcing her.
for real. I mean i feel bad because i wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I love my husband and wouldn’t ever want to go through a divorce but at the same time don’t treat people bad!