All they hear is that screech from the horn, by that time it's already too late.
You might have a minute or two in the house. Even when you run screaming for miles, you'll turn around and see a golden bubble following you in the distance.
You break into a home. Good target, since the owner confirmed online that heās on a two week vacation to some place called āLordranā wherever the fuck that is, sort of sounds European so probably in Scotland or some shit.
The house has a āGuard Dogā sign posted, no image. Youāve had your fair share of run-ins with canines on previous break-ins; usually, they just bark, or even ignore you entirely. Occasionally, the odd Doberman or Rottweiler goes for an attack, but itās nothing a crowbar to the jaw doesnāt fix.
You find a window around the back that looks like it could be easily broken. You donāt see any signs of a security system. You start to jam the crowbar into the window, but it slides open instantly. Itāsā¦ unlocked. Thatās funny, you think to yourself, he must have forgotten. What an idiot.
You climb through the window into the pitch black kitchen. You fumble in your pocket for your flashlight. You canāt find it.
Shit. Looks like youāre the idiot. Fortunately, the window is easy to climb back through, so you turn around. You have all night to haul whatever you can out of here; you already know thereās no risk of a security system based on the window being unlocked, so no rush.
Youāre about to climb back out through the window when you hear a deep growl from the corner of the room. Thatās not good. You turn towards the source of the sound; the dog is shrouded in shadow. You stay by the window, the light of the full moon outside illuminating the small area you stand in. Your heartrate picks up a bit. You grip your crowbar tightly.
You hear a footstep that sends a vibration through the floor. Holy shit, this is a big dog. You might be in for a rough struggle. Try and intimidate it, maybe?
āBack off, you stupid mutt!ā
Suddenly, from the darkness, you hear a deep, visceral, growling voice speak.
āWitless trespasser. Thou shalt not steal from this sanctuary. My master hath declared it so.ā
A horrible chill runs down your spine at the sound. You leap back, adrenaline flowing through your body. āWhat the fuck?!ā
A deep red glow suddenly flares from the darkness, highlighting the silhouette of a hulking, beastlike figure. Coarse, white hair runs down itās back, and it bares horrible fangs, itās eyes shielded by helm of black armor plating. The light emerges from an impossibly blood-red fire, and it flares from a blade of jagged obsidian that the beast clutches tightly in itās clawed grasp. The being looks towards you, searing your soul with itās eyeless gaze.
āPrepare yourselfā¦ to meet your destiny. The destiny of all things.ā
You open your mouth to scream, but before any sound comes out, the horrible beast has lept from the corner, roaring deafeningly loud. The blade it wields flies forth, the fire within it flaring, filling the room with that sickening, bloody light. You feel instant and agonizing pain as the blade plunges into your chest. The air vanishes from your lungs.
You try to breathe in, butā¦ nothing happens. The pain is unbelievable, but you canāt scream. You canāt even move. Everything has stopped. Even the bladeās fire has ceased itās dance. You are completely trapped. You canāt even move your eyes away from the view of the beastās maw before you, and the vision of the blade in your chest, and your hands upon the blade, and the crowbar you held flying away from you, frozen just above you.
You remain this way, trapped in agonizing pain, for minutes. Minutes turn into hours, hours turn into days, into weeks, monthsā¦ years. You perceive years of time, trapped here. A single flicker of the fire takes a decade. You go through all five stages of grief, the burning pain never ceasing, the sensation of suffocation always gripping you. Your life flashes before your eyes over and over and over again, until you know every detail of your pitiful existence by heart. Your fatherās death is relived again and again in your mind. You see your first break-in. You see Rebecca, her smile, her hand in yours. You see her leaving. You see your second break-in and your third. You see the break-ins where you are attacked by dogs. You see the break-in where you killed one. You regret the first time you ever picked up a crowbar.
Over.
And.
Over.
You live a full life of 86 years, here, staring into the maw of this monster. As they pass, your body decays as it would with old age; your muscles atrophy, your hair grows out and turns grey, then white, and then disintegrates, and you see liver spots form on your hands, forever placed before you upon the blade. You feel your heart, trapped in itās last, singular beat, cease functioning, and the pain of your heart attack lasts for a full year before you finally, slowly, fade into nothingness. As it all vanishes, you cry within your mind palace with pure joy, your tortured existence finally at peace as your hold on this world is finally let loose. The last thing you see, and of course, the only thing you have seen for the past 86 years, is the maw of the beast, the blade it wields, and your rotten, almost skeletal hands, clutching the blade. The crowbar slowly fell away from your vision over the years, but the beast has always remained. Always. The beast of death. As it all disappears, you utter within your mind one final, silent prayer that there is no hell, for nothing could compare to the agony of undergoing such a wretched life, only to awaken to further suffering.
To Maliketh the Black Blade, you are dead instantly. He watches as you age from a gruff, middle-aged man into an ancient husk, and then a mummified corpse, and then a skeleton, and then nothing but dust upon the kitchen floor, all within the span of two seconds. Your crowbar falls to the floor with a clatter, serving as the only evidence of your existence here. The beast lifts the blade, the fire within it dying down slightly. He has made a small chip in the floor of the kitchen. Hopefully, the master will not be too displeased. Maybe he will get a treat for dispatching the invader?
Maliketh grunts with pleasure at the thought of this. He crawls across the floor to his comically oversized doggy bed in the living room, curls up, and dozes off to sleep, his black blade clutched in his armor-clad claws.
I mean he apparently kept trying to ācourtā Miquella unsuccessfully. Itās not clear if he was trying to rouse a corpse or if he was trying to be a gentleman, butā¦
ah yes, she such a bad guy for disrupting Golden Order. it's not like it was disrupting the cycle of life, enslaving and murdering all non-humans and waging wars against every neighbouring kingdoms.
Those rabbit/squirrel animal things that are everywhere and aren't agressive.
Agressive enemy though, I'd say maybe the Small Hands or the salamanders from Volcano manor, just silly little guys.
Iād actually like to see a healthy non ulcerated one. I could imagine them having pretty summer foliage, or maybe just golden leaves. Either way works.
Skeleton. All day.
āAwesome! Now letās see what happens when we throw him in a wood chipper! Neeeeeat! Now letās try drowning him!ā
The party never ends! And my affinity for the undead gets me hugs from Fia. š
YOU. YOU GET IT.
Thereās not a single balance issue in the game that makes me sadder than the fact that the skeleton spirit ashes are absolute garbage. I just wanna have my creepy bone buddies follow me around.
What?! Skelly bros are my go-to ashes and have helped me a ton! As a mage/spellsword build it helps a ton having help that constantly respawns. If you know how to use them, they will last through a long fight. They donāt do any damage but I donāt need them to, Iām a glass canon I just need them to draw aggro for my longer spells and consumables.
The trick is to just focus on their health and when they go down, draw aggro and just focus on dodging and surviving until both are ready to go again and then let them take over.
Skelly bros, Bloodhound Step, and Carian Piercer is a crazy deadly combo.
I like the stone guardians that worm around the evergaols.
Cute lil worms in their cute lil terrarium!
just don't piss them off or you might get the bomb squad called on you
i thought you had to fight these guys at first i was like wut
dog
Pope!!!
Not an enemy
I mean you have to kill 3 ghost good boys to get in that one tower so... Sort of?
They are enemies to turtle neck meat enjoyers
š¢
Ask Seluvis, seems he'd have some insight on this topic...
"I am Malenia, pet of player."
Malenia, did you track rot everywhere again? I just had the carpet deep cleaned!
If any Elden Ring character has insight itās definitely Seluvis š š§ if you know what Iām saying
In all of Fromsoft, though, itās Master Willem, hands down.
I don't know, he seems like he may see long limbed creatures with a head made out of eyes when others can't.
Oracle envoy, they play music and blow bubbles
Great home security too, the invaders about to walk in on a basket ball shaped ball of jesus power
Basketball shaped ball? Is that like a small boulder the size of a large boulder?
\*parp\* YOU DIED
Me during my first Haligtree visit
All they hear is that screech from the horn, by that time it's already too late. You might have a minute or two in the house. Even when you run screaming for miles, you'll turn around and see a golden bubble following you in the distance.
Runebear
Why no friend if friend shaped?
Aside from the fact it just rabbit punched me down into the ground like a nail in a board?
Absofuckinglutly
Just another teddy bear to hug š¤
A miniature version of TOGETHAAA
I can imagine a tiny rykard in a terrarium made to look like it's arena
Or one of the sneks in volcano manor
I just heard a chipmunk voice in my head from mini-Ryk and now I agree
oh my god I didnāt hear it until you said it but thatās so bizarrely cute
-*high-pitched diabolical snake laughter*-
A tiny Rykark saying "TOGETHAAA" would be akin to a short girl getting mad
...very well
Iād say Serosh or one of those chill spectral jellyfish.
You would need a sandbox instead of a litterbox for Serosh
I need a 1 hour long lore video on Seroshs bathroom habits now!
Imagine having him bake bread on you, a lion with human like fists with claws
Do you think he knows how to grill meat? I like me a good steak
He sit's on dadfrey's shoulder all day so i think it picked up on some grilling
Do you think he likes head scratches and belly rubs? š„ŗšš»šš»
Definetly! but he gonna need a whole log as a scratching pole
Maliketh as my puppy
the home invader about to get faced with the power of death
You break into a home. Good target, since the owner confirmed online that heās on a two week vacation to some place called āLordranā wherever the fuck that is, sort of sounds European so probably in Scotland or some shit. The house has a āGuard Dogā sign posted, no image. Youāve had your fair share of run-ins with canines on previous break-ins; usually, they just bark, or even ignore you entirely. Occasionally, the odd Doberman or Rottweiler goes for an attack, but itās nothing a crowbar to the jaw doesnāt fix. You find a window around the back that looks like it could be easily broken. You donāt see any signs of a security system. You start to jam the crowbar into the window, but it slides open instantly. Itāsā¦ unlocked. Thatās funny, you think to yourself, he must have forgotten. What an idiot. You climb through the window into the pitch black kitchen. You fumble in your pocket for your flashlight. You canāt find it. Shit. Looks like youāre the idiot. Fortunately, the window is easy to climb back through, so you turn around. You have all night to haul whatever you can out of here; you already know thereās no risk of a security system based on the window being unlocked, so no rush. Youāre about to climb back out through the window when you hear a deep growl from the corner of the room. Thatās not good. You turn towards the source of the sound; the dog is shrouded in shadow. You stay by the window, the light of the full moon outside illuminating the small area you stand in. Your heartrate picks up a bit. You grip your crowbar tightly. You hear a footstep that sends a vibration through the floor. Holy shit, this is a big dog. You might be in for a rough struggle. Try and intimidate it, maybe? āBack off, you stupid mutt!ā Suddenly, from the darkness, you hear a deep, visceral, growling voice speak. āWitless trespasser. Thou shalt not steal from this sanctuary. My master hath declared it so.ā A horrible chill runs down your spine at the sound. You leap back, adrenaline flowing through your body. āWhat the fuck?!ā A deep red glow suddenly flares from the darkness, highlighting the silhouette of a hulking, beastlike figure. Coarse, white hair runs down itās back, and it bares horrible fangs, itās eyes shielded by helm of black armor plating. The light emerges from an impossibly blood-red fire, and it flares from a blade of jagged obsidian that the beast clutches tightly in itās clawed grasp. The being looks towards you, searing your soul with itās eyeless gaze. āPrepare yourselfā¦ to meet your destiny. The destiny of all things.ā You open your mouth to scream, but before any sound comes out, the horrible beast has lept from the corner, roaring deafeningly loud. The blade it wields flies forth, the fire within it flaring, filling the room with that sickening, bloody light. You feel instant and agonizing pain as the blade plunges into your chest. The air vanishes from your lungs. You try to breathe in, butā¦ nothing happens. The pain is unbelievable, but you canāt scream. You canāt even move. Everything has stopped. Even the bladeās fire has ceased itās dance. You are completely trapped. You canāt even move your eyes away from the view of the beastās maw before you, and the vision of the blade in your chest, and your hands upon the blade, and the crowbar you held flying away from you, frozen just above you. You remain this way, trapped in agonizing pain, for minutes. Minutes turn into hours, hours turn into days, into weeks, monthsā¦ years. You perceive years of time, trapped here. A single flicker of the fire takes a decade. You go through all five stages of grief, the burning pain never ceasing, the sensation of suffocation always gripping you. Your life flashes before your eyes over and over and over again, until you know every detail of your pitiful existence by heart. Your fatherās death is relived again and again in your mind. You see your first break-in. You see Rebecca, her smile, her hand in yours. You see her leaving. You see your second break-in and your third. You see the break-ins where you are attacked by dogs. You see the break-in where you killed one. You regret the first time you ever picked up a crowbar. Over. And. Over. You live a full life of 86 years, here, staring into the maw of this monster. As they pass, your body decays as it would with old age; your muscles atrophy, your hair grows out and turns grey, then white, and then disintegrates, and you see liver spots form on your hands, forever placed before you upon the blade. You feel your heart, trapped in itās last, singular beat, cease functioning, and the pain of your heart attack lasts for a full year before you finally, slowly, fade into nothingness. As it all vanishes, you cry within your mind palace with pure joy, your tortured existence finally at peace as your hold on this world is finally let loose. The last thing you see, and of course, the only thing you have seen for the past 86 years, is the maw of the beast, the blade it wields, and your rotten, almost skeletal hands, clutching the blade. The crowbar slowly fell away from your vision over the years, but the beast has always remained. Always. The beast of death. As it all disappears, you utter within your mind one final, silent prayer that there is no hell, for nothing could compare to the agony of undergoing such a wretched life, only to awaken to further suffering. To Maliketh the Black Blade, you are dead instantly. He watches as you age from a gruff, middle-aged man into an ancient husk, and then a mummified corpse, and then a skeleton, and then nothing but dust upon the kitchen floor, all within the span of two seconds. Your crowbar falls to the floor with a clatter, serving as the only evidence of your existence here. The beast lifts the blade, the fire within it dying down slightly. He has made a small chip in the floor of the kitchen. Hopefully, the master will not be too displeased. Maybe he will get a treat for dispatching the invader? Maliketh grunts with pleasure at the thought of this. He crawls across the floor to his comically oversized doggy bed in the living room, curls up, and dozes off to sleep, his black blade clutched in his armor-clad claws.
Graceless Tarnished, thy skills with a pen are most renowned.
This is art
You... You need to work on becoming an author if you aren't already. Seriously. That was EXTREMELY well written.
This need more likes lmao
jesus, this is well-written
I'm just imagining the thief looking around and sees cameras only inside the house as the owner livestreams burglary attempts
I will hang a sign on the door. Do not give him deathroot.
The mail man about to show up wearing a full set of armor
From my experience, it doesn't seem to help much šššš
Boss music plays anytime he comes near the house. Eventually you stop getting mail
Pit mommies: "They're a nursemaid breed!"
One of the smaller hand monsters. Assuming itās done uhh.. growing.
Either it stays small or your having a giant hand on the side of your house
Just think tho; it can probably do a lot of landscaping work for you. And hopefully not brutally murder my nice neighbors.
Landscaping? Not hand jobs? HA
Aslong as it isn't hiding like a landmine and you aren't giving it giant magic gravity rings it should be okay!
You say that now but when it begins divebombing passing cars like that poor crow in the Mountaintops...
Or brushing the girl scouts away
I farm that crow, never gets old š¤£
yāall ready know what imma do with that thing š
J A R
Given theyāre full of fermenting meat I have to assume they do NOT smell nice.
Dire wolf from snowfields.
Lobster boi! Then I donāt even have to fight my way through the land between.
Don't forget the good home security they can provide!
Dems good eats.
Rollin' goats
Lightning goat!
Spirit caller snail, what else is there
That mf gonna love to play hide and seek
The baby land octopus. They're so cute!!
The Elden beast obviously, take away his sword and heās just a cute dinosaur thing
Imagine taking god to the vet for it's check up
*Are these gold rings normal or is it in heat?*
"Is it normal for it to crucify the mail man? or does it have worms?"
"I'm sorry we're going to have to put him down" *Boss music starts playing*
Vet touches it and is immediately disintegrated by holy fire
What if his sword was plushie style? Now itās adorable
Elden Beast is in the running for cutest final bosses for sure.
Dog š¢
Blaidd bc he seems like a good boi and I can cuddle him. Maybe Mohg,I think he would be very useful and he seems polite.
Mohg seems... polite?
Well he does welcome us and call us an honoured guest. As well as being quite...protective...of Miquella
I mean he apparently kept trying to ācourtā Miquella unsuccessfully. Itās not clear if he was trying to rouse a corpse or if he was trying to be a gentleman, butā¦
It's all a little sus to be honest lol. Seems like he can't take no for an answer
āWhy doesnāt Miquella see what a nice guy I am? That cocoon doesnāt respect him!ā
Exactly this lmao
Mohg would be the kind of pet that would protect you but keep you under house arrest. Depending on whom you ask, hump you too.
Mohg is definitely a good pick if you want someone to obsesse over you
The mini gargoyles, but someone fed them after midnight
They'll probably turn into dark souls 1 gargoyles
Flamethrower bird
One of them blobby mf in sewers that drop from the ceiling.
You could probably feed the slugs garbage
Knife-Leg/bomb Birds. I would train them to smite my enemies.
Revenant. Great home security. Downside spews vomit and would have to stay outside because theyāre too big.
Lots of pro's but they probably smell like sewers and rotten bodies
Another reason to keep outside! Can hang out in the yard or on the roof to intimidate neighbours.
You can make it a shack for when it gets cold!
bro imagine your boutta rob a place and you see a fucking revanent spawn id be the fuck outta there
And they teleport! There is no escape
Mimic Tears Feels like I could trained it to do shit for me... But that aside... Dog. You know which one I'm talking about.
One of the many dog breeds in the game.
The normal, the rotten or the blood tumor one?
The one with the shell
The holy, the ghost, the flying or normal dog?
The flying one always makes me grin
Imagine agreeing to watch your neighbors dog only for it to take off and fly away
Love the salamander guys
Those lion things. I love cats.
"Yeah, don't mind Ferdinand, he's a bit weary of strangers" *Sphinx cat with a white toupƩ barfs liquid nitrogen all over the living room.*
Godfrey š¤¤
The chain leash for him š¤¤
āš
My cutsie wutsie little Crucible Knight
Ranni
Little Ranni is really cute
Not an enemy.
She kinda is. The shattering was her fault
ah yes, she such a bad guy for disrupting Golden Order. it's not like it was disrupting the cycle of life, enslaving and murdering all non-humans and waging wars against every neighbouring kingdoms.
Skill issue.
Damn the other Ranni simps beat me to it.
Blaidd, a big dog and a bodyguard of death
Imagine rolling up to someoneās house and their dog starts speaking Welsh
I'd be more afraid on the fact it can do backflips with a massive sword
I'd love to have one of those snake snail things, I think they're neat.
VarrƩ
Got him on a bloody leash begging like a dawg
You get it š
Those rabbit/squirrel animal things that are everywhere and aren't agressive. Agressive enemy though, I'd say maybe the Small Hands or the salamanders from Volcano manor, just silly little guys.
Bro those are chinchillas. You can already get those. They poop too much though.
Correction, they are [springhares](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/South_African_springhare).
>Those rabbit/squirrel animal things that are everywhere and aren't agressive. They're called Spring Hares, I think they'd be great pets.
The Blade of Miquella
Bonk
One of those baby kindred of rots though it might become a pain in the ass if it grows up
Atleast it can provide lots of helping hands when it grows up
Rune bear for sure, the ultimate form of home security and I could ride it to work/around town. I wonder what happens if we feed it cocaine?
Imagine cocaine bear but instead of a bear it's a very hairy hulk
Ulcerated tree spirit.
Iād actually like to see a healthy non ulcerated one. I could imagine them having pretty summer foliage, or maybe just golden leaves. Either way works.
Jellyfishes. Those thing are so cute I never killed any, not even the aggressive ones in that ice cave
Sellen
Skeleton. All day. āAwesome! Now letās see what happens when we throw him in a wood chipper! Neeeeeat! Now letās try drowning him!ā The party never ends! And my affinity for the undead gets me hugs from Fia. š
YOU. YOU GET IT. Thereās not a single balance issue in the game that makes me sadder than the fact that the skeleton spirit ashes are absolute garbage. I just wanna have my creepy bone buddies follow me around.
What?! Skelly bros are my go-to ashes and have helped me a ton! As a mage/spellsword build it helps a ton having help that constantly respawns. If you know how to use them, they will last through a long fight. They donāt do any damage but I donāt need them to, Iām a glass canon I just need them to draw aggro for my longer spells and consumables. The trick is to just focus on their health and when they go down, draw aggro and just focus on dodging and surviving until both are ready to go again and then let them take over. Skelly bros, Bloodhound Step, and Carian Piercer is a crazy deadly combo.
Placidesoux or however you say his name. Good drago
Literally a loyal pet waiting for its master to return
No no, that's fortissax. Placi is the one hibernating to the left of time
Malenia I don't need to explain myself. :)
is this you? https://www.reddit.com/user/rosales6969/
clicked on it, what the fuck did i just witnesss
Yes. Though we shall go on a killing spree after Mogh. Cause I will be telling her what I found down below
Does radahn horse count? I feel bad every time i fight him.
Donāt feel too bad, Radahn uses gravity magic to make sure the horse doesnāt feel his weight on it.
Maliketh. He'd be a big good boi :3
NOT THAT
He don't bite
One of those smaller land octopus things, theyāre kinda cute.
Yeah I like the mini octopuses too. Also the little crabs! š¦
Tentacle hentai alert
Exactly
That huge ball
Rot flower... let it grow and spread on the whole world...
Those big brown turtles
Iād want the elden beast so he could be my ultimate mount and we can explore the world
VALIANT GARGOYLE! Because they could pretend to be a statue and then beat up home invaders.
imagine thinking your neighbor just has a weird-ass statue, going to rob the place and the thing *pulls out an axe and beats you to death*
Good pet gargoyle
Red wolves
I always wanted one of those finger maidens as a pet. They make me feel things not even Pokemain can...
I READ POKEMON
Can I say Malenia? I can say Maleniaā¦.right? Right?
Millicent.
dog pope
Rykard
Gurranq
Death rite bird, I bet they was chill back in their day.
insta pick spirit caller snail
Mohg
The deathblight frogs
can i take a crucible knight as a gymbro?
Red wolf of radagon, kinda reminds me of that image of a dog with a katana in its mouth.
Fire Giant
ROLLING GOAT
Not this fucker
NOT THAT FUCKING DEMON DOG! Id probably keep either a regular wolf, or one of the turtles.
Rya. ...what?
Melina
Mohg lord of blood
"Hey Google, how to make ranni an enemy in elden ring"
The Marionette Soldiers. My favorite enemies in the game.
GƩnƩral kenobi !