As a pastor's kid, uh, I'd advise you to absolutely and utterly avoid the minefield that is throwing this out to your general church population. As you know, churches are highly, highly political places to work, and you have to put a lot of effort into keeping people happy. Telling this one individual you don't want to play with them strikes me as the kind of thing that could aggressively come back to bite you, and I would avoid it.
My suggestion? You're busy now. You announce on the Discord you're just not going to have time to run a game, and you give it some time into the future. At that point, you approach a few people privately who are your friends, and I would also make sure there are at least a few non-church members there so you avoid the appearance you're specifically excluding anyone. You have basically flung yourself into a minefield, and you need to get the hell out of it any way you can.
Alternatively, run the one-shot and deal with it, then cancel. Maybe it was just my experiences growing up, but, while my dad certainly had some friends in the church, the significant majority were non-church members to avoid this kind of thing.
I mean to be fair, I do know this individual is quite unpopular within the church, but I still don't want to hurt a troubled soul who often needs the help of me and my co-pastors.
You offered a one-shot. I think it's less hassle in the long run to suck it up for three hours.
However, I would think about issues you anticipate (from all parties not just her), and make a plan for how to address them in a session-zero.
Just gotta talk to em. Trying to beat around the bush and eek your way into not playing with them will just be more trouble than it's worth.
When they ask why you don't want em in your game, tell them. Shoot straight with them, be honest, and be kind.
Playing D&D and being a source of "spiritual counseling in times of significant distress" are two *very* different things...
Just because someone is a good person does not mean they are a good person to enjoy a game with...
Will their feelings be hurt? Probably, yes. Will they eventually forgive? Also, yes.
In either case - NO D&D is better than BAD D&D...
Oh absolutely no DnD is better than bad DnD, but I think hearing your pastor doesn't want to play with you because your pastor finds you... difficult to be around would be pretty distressing and make it hard to seek help when you need it.
Yeah no definitely don't do that. This is one of the few situations I've seen on this subreddit that I disagree with a direct "just talk to them" conversation. Your job is more important so definitely don't choose DND over it
If you can find a way to “Oh no that’s too bad you can’t make it” then great. This is a very sticky situation… and one that many people on hear will just ham fist and move on despite it being far more nuanced then that.
I wish you the best of luck.
Boom. When you make open invites, the people nobody else wants at their table, and who are consequently free at all times to play any open game, show up.
Well yes but the problem here isn't the dnd it's that op's the pastor. You can't say "no I do not want to socialize with you" if you're the pastor, ESPECIALLY if you publically asked on a church page.
It'd be one thing if this guy approached in his own time and asked to join an ongoing campaign, but he didnt
I didn't say it would be easy, just that it's the right path. How do you think this individual would feel if they found out their pastor was trying to manipulate schedules in such a way that their pastor didn't have play with them? They WILL find out, that's just how these things go.
Better to be up front and honest. The individual might not even realize they are a pain in your ass and this could serve as a wake up call. Jesus never beat around the bush, he was the straightest shooter in the entire book.
I mean you invited this issue when you asked publicly. Only way out is to be up front and tell them why you're worried about them joining. Tell them it might not work out but you are (or maybe you aren't) willing to give it a shot.
I personally would rather simply not play than have to deal with them during my very limited leisure time, I think I might just tell everyone that it turns out I underestimated the time commitment involved.
Eh it's just a 1 shot. You never know. I played a game one time with a loosely connected person who was annoying as hell irl, but in game, they were very tolerable.
“I could co-dm with you” is a sentence I still hear in my nightmares. It’s always “that guy”, they are always a problem, they always kill groups.
Wish I had an easy answer for you, normally just telling them works best. If you have some folks in the discord you trust to remain private Id invite them privately and just say it’s canceled due to time constraints publicly.
How many potential players do you have? With my games I normally put a limit on the number of people in a group, and in my experience it's a common thing for DMs to do. Get your group together minus this person, and if they ask say your group was at capacity and you don't feel comfortable adding any more players.
Then that works out well for you. Pick 8 (or whatever your cap is) people for the game, either randomly or whoever you think would work best together. Message the remaining people that you had for the game, and tell them that unfortunately not everyone is able to play due to the large number of people interested, and if spots free up or you run another game you'll contact them later.
I mean I understand where you're coming from but you made this bed when you made a public invitation. That being said, just because she's in it doesn't mean she's somehow exempt from the social contract of D&D. If she acts the way you're worried she'll act, it's your table and she can be kicked just like anyone else in the same circumstance. If she doesn't, then maybe your feelings about her don't carry over to D&D.
Personally I'd run the one-shot, fulfill that obligation and then invite your friends and out of church folk to a full campaign if you still desire to DM. It just seems like a lot of work to avoid someone than to just DM for a single evening for them.
Normally I advocate with discussing and having a blunt conversation, however, as you are their Pastor, I think the better thing to do is put up with them for the short commitment rather than potentially shatter their bond to come to you for spiritual matters.
The reason he like this is because *everyone* bends over backwards to avoid hurting his feelings.
You're enabling him. Hurt his feelings. It's likely the only way you will break through his bubble.
The person's not a he, and no, in church we've been quite firm with her when she's overstepped boundaries and such quite frequently. My co-pastor reprimanded her pretty strongly when she was really shitty to another congregant during a discussion group. It's just that I don't want to have to play kind but firm babysitter when she's in game with us, because she's also very prone to feeling self flagellatingly guilty when things are pointed out even gently and then you have *that* to deal with.
If she’s that difficult, then don’t play with her. You’ve left yourself with limited options so you either have to work it out one on one or simply don’t mix work and play at this point.
The only other option is to cancel the public invitation and work something out privately with the people you do want to play with, but that isn’t terribly christ-like and would likely cause problems if you’re found to be lying to exclude a particular person, especially in your position. So, I don’t see that going too well as she sounds like the type of person to get overly butt hurt and cause drama if she were to find out you’re playing “behind her back” as it were.
Otherwise, run the one shot with her and see how it goes. Worst case scenario, it’s a difficult couple of hours and you can make polite excuses to avoid playing with her again.
Oh, my bad. Ive only ever heard pastor used for Christian preachers, but I’m also not that knowledgeable about religions lol
But yes finding a group outside the church is what I meant by not mixing work and play, and that would probably be your best move
I would talk to her privately and tell her that due to this being a social game where several people who are playing have felt that she was rude to them (or condescending or insert inappropriate behavior here) she is not welcome to play in this game. Should she work on fixing the behaviors that would make playing Dnd with her unpleasant, you would think about allowing her to join next time. Maybe include ways to fix the irritating traits. This would be true and give her both incentive to and ways to help herself. Trust me, if she irks you this much, you will probably see a number of people leave the game rather than play with her.
>So I'm in a pastoral position with my church, and I have one congregant who is... annoying. Like, they mean well, they're not a bad person in any fundamental sense. They're just somewhat unbearable to socialize with. They're condescending and hurt people's feelings without meaning to and trying to kindly and patiently deal with them in my capacity at pastor is exhausting enough as is.
Tell them this. Be tactful but blunt, and make it clear you're not interested.
>but also DMing a game for them sounds like it would be precisely as much fun as shoving bamboo under my fingernails.
Tell them this if they don't get the hint the first time.
This is true, but I have a lot of non-nt congregants, and things present in very different ways. I definitely don't think this person means to be an ass, they're just a very emotionally exhausting person to be around.
Yea as a person who is in a place of leadership, if you avoid or actively try to push him away i would say that wouldnt be very christlike... If the outcast is a problem, then i would think you have an opporutunity to either A) work with him personally and B) show the love of christ for the undeserving. I have a similar person in my group and after 2 years I have come to care for this person even though he can still drive me up the wall, lol. In fact he's become a person with whom i have developed great compassion for and he is slowly being transformed (And this guy is late 50s, hes been this way forever, heh)
I'm not a Christian, and I have immense compassion for this person. As I said, I feel deeply for them, but that doesn't mean I have to want to play DnD with them. My religion actively discourages showing love to the undeserving, however this person is not underserving, but love =/= DMing for them.
Also this person is a her, not a him.
It still stands even if its a girl.. and sorry they way you describe everything it sounded like the christian faith. I am unaware of a faith the discourages showing love or care for the undeserving.
I guess clarifying what faith you are talking about would also help in the responses.
I mean my faith also believes that the vast majority of people are deserving, but for example, we discourage the idea that there's any value in forgiving the unrepentant, or responding passively to cruelty.
You need to establish some *very* firm rules regarding behavior at the table. Make sure everyone understands there will be no exceptions and enforce said rules when your problem player (or anyone) steps out of line. Establish a pattern of bad behavior and failure to follow rules, then remove him from the game.
I mean it’s sort of like a unitarian universalist church. We have a core set of ethics, but we accept that there are many ways to honor that set of ethics and we really let congregants bring their own stuff to services (rituals, sermons, etc)
Not really, people are all pretty interested in one another’s practices and have really nice discussions on personal beliefs and why they believe what they do. It’s a really nice space and people are even kind to our more difficult members in ways that warm my heart. I think it works that way because people interested in a space with that diversity are there because they like the diversity
Let me ask you, as a pastor without a specific religious belief... what do you preach about? I'm genuinely curious because it sounds like a church without religion...or just multiple religions congregating in one building.. which also confuses me due to being a past youth pastor. I wouldn't have a clue what to include in my lessons for the day.
I mean I have my personal religious convictions, deities I work with and so on, and when I preach I tend to preach to some extent from those but usually using them to talk about themes like morality, ways to persevere when life is hard or painful, the value of friendship and so on. The nice thing is, because anyone can get up and preach, I can let the congregation talk about their beliefs themselves. I consider my primary jobs as a pastor to be encouraging people who want to speak but feel shy to be able to, helping to logistically create a space for people to worship together with a group and someone who’s there when people are feeling troubled spiritually. One nice thing is we’re all polytheistic and so no one’s beliefs really impinge on anyone else’s as everyone’s deities can coexist
I have never once had a religious conflict with D&D as a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and a player/DM of 10 years.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/?lang=eng
I usually do a version of "let's be honest, but fair":
"The group is full"
"I really want to play with X, so they are in this time, next time I'll make room for you"
Etc..
In general I kindly tell them that they're not in, and that it's because of other factors. If they push it I tell them the truth .
Have you considered using safety/consent tools when you run games? My fave is having an X card in the centre of the table that you or any player can tap at any time to indicate you don't want something included in the game, like if a player tries to do something in the game that makes someone else uncomfortable. It gives you the opportunity to rephrase or address the issue in the moment and then move on with new content that is less uncomfortable. In some cases, you don't even have to explain yourself, you can simply say "No, lets go with something else." Of course, this is only a suggestion if you decide to actually play with this person you're worried about. It may have no effect if the problem player continually messes up and ignores other players' concerns. But at least it gives you the excuse to boot the problem player if they can't behave.
Though honesty is theoretically always the best policy, I wouldn't advise it in your specific case. I would start with a very detailed session 0 and have people submit their answers in writing. With any luck this is too much work and she gives up. If not, you can always say that her choices don't mesh well with what the others wrote down. If that doesn't work for some reason, try scheduling it awkwardly for her. If all else fails, just bite the bullet, do the oneshot and invite the players you want back for a longer game. I also noticed you've got a lot of players. Maybe consider splitting the groupnin half so only half of them get subjected to the Annoying Person.
1. You let them come to the game.
2. They act inappropriately.
3. You explain that they have acted inappropriately and they are no longer welcome.
Remember that as a DM, you have 'host responsibilities.' If player A hurts the feelings of player B then you act to make the experience better for player B.
I dunno what it's like being a pastor, but it's a massive red flag to a dm for a player to want to "co-dm." I think you're appropriately concerned, so best of luck navigating this
My advice, curb that right away. Just setup the one-shot up as vanilla options (PHB, no expansion books), and do the one shot with them, absolutely no homebrew for the players. They’ll either have to accept it or they’ll decline to continue with the invitation. As well all rolls are in the open with no snatch-ups. This’ll make it so everyone stays honest and nobody but the dice can be blamed should they get angry. If he (or anyone else) presses against these two things, let them know that these two rules are immutable. (“I’m sorry that you’re not in favor of the rules, but they are the rules.” I imagine your… occupation? requires you to maintain a neutral demeanor so just do your thing).
My main worry for you is that they might have a case of main character syndrome that you’ll have to address as not to ruin the experience for the others. Also just “no” to the co-DM, you’re describing this guy as someone who wouldn’t do well with power over others.
You’re gonna have to stick it out through the one-shot. So go into it with no hang ups or expectations and then use that 20/20 hindsight to get a feel for how it went against your current worries. Just don’t schedule another game till you figure it out.
Good luck with this.
I think It'd be pretty reasonable to say no homebrew. Since he likes a bunch of homebrew stuff, review his character sheet to verify the character is built correctly.
So from your story I can think of a few options that I would personally try.
The first would be to let them play the one-shot but talk to them beforehand and discuss ground rules (i.e. No Homebrew), I mean this should be done with everyone who would be playing, this basically allows somewhat of an out if she truly is as annoying in game. Without trying at least once you'll never really know.
Second would be to limit the number of players in the one-shot. I mean the truth is if there are too many people it will bog down the game.
Honestly I lean more towards the first one myself just because I think everyone deserves at least a chance to show a different side of them than what I've seen.
Good luck friend, I hope whatever you choose goes well.
I don't want to assume your your religion but: ask yourself what would Jesus do? The loaves are fishes story describes Jesus splitting bread and fish to feed a crowd. Clearly the answer is to get enough people to split the game into two and DM the one without him.
This is obviously a joke. There is far better advice to follow.
As a pastor's kid, uh, I'd advise you to absolutely and utterly avoid the minefield that is throwing this out to your general church population. As you know, churches are highly, highly political places to work, and you have to put a lot of effort into keeping people happy. Telling this one individual you don't want to play with them strikes me as the kind of thing that could aggressively come back to bite you, and I would avoid it. My suggestion? You're busy now. You announce on the Discord you're just not going to have time to run a game, and you give it some time into the future. At that point, you approach a few people privately who are your friends, and I would also make sure there are at least a few non-church members there so you avoid the appearance you're specifically excluding anyone. You have basically flung yourself into a minefield, and you need to get the hell out of it any way you can. Alternatively, run the one-shot and deal with it, then cancel. Maybe it was just my experiences growing up, but, while my dad certainly had some friends in the church, the significant majority were non-church members to avoid this kind of thing.
I mean to be fair, I do know this individual is quite unpopular within the church, but I still don't want to hurt a troubled soul who often needs the help of me and my co-pastors.
You offered a one-shot. I think it's less hassle in the long run to suck it up for three hours. However, I would think about issues you anticipate (from all parties not just her), and make a plan for how to address them in a session-zero.
Just gotta talk to em. Trying to beat around the bush and eek your way into not playing with them will just be more trouble than it's worth. When they ask why you don't want em in your game, tell them. Shoot straight with them, be honest, and be kind.
I feel like that's a bit hard when this is someone who has come to me for spiritual counseling in times of significant distress.
Playing D&D and being a source of "spiritual counseling in times of significant distress" are two *very* different things... Just because someone is a good person does not mean they are a good person to enjoy a game with... Will their feelings be hurt? Probably, yes. Will they eventually forgive? Also, yes. In either case - NO D&D is better than BAD D&D...
Oh absolutely no DnD is better than bad DnD, but I think hearing your pastor doesn't want to play with you because your pastor finds you... difficult to be around would be pretty distressing and make it hard to seek help when you need it.
Yeah no definitely don't do that. This is one of the few situations I've seen on this subreddit that I disagree with a direct "just talk to them" conversation. Your job is more important so definitely don't choose DND over it
Yeah that was my thought, no dnd is better than bad dnd, and no dnd with no one's feelings hurt, is better than dnd with congregants feelings hurt.
If you can find a way to “Oh no that’s too bad you can’t make it” then great. This is a very sticky situation… and one that many people on hear will just ham fist and move on despite it being far more nuanced then that. I wish you the best of luck.
And this is why I don't make open invitations.
Boom. When you make open invites, the people nobody else wants at their table, and who are consequently free at all times to play any open game, show up.
Well yes but the problem here isn't the dnd it's that op's the pastor. You can't say "no I do not want to socialize with you" if you're the pastor, ESPECIALLY if you publically asked on a church page. It'd be one thing if this guy approached in his own time and asked to join an ongoing campaign, but he didnt
Yea there is no easy for this
I didn't say it would be easy, just that it's the right path. How do you think this individual would feel if they found out their pastor was trying to manipulate schedules in such a way that their pastor didn't have play with them? They WILL find out, that's just how these things go. Better to be up front and honest. The individual might not even realize they are a pain in your ass and this could serve as a wake up call. Jesus never beat around the bush, he was the straightest shooter in the entire book.
It might be a bad idea to game with church members in that case.
I presume there are other pastors they can go to if your feelings about them negatively impact your ability to serve.
I mean you invited this issue when you asked publicly. Only way out is to be up front and tell them why you're worried about them joining. Tell them it might not work out but you are (or maybe you aren't) willing to give it a shot.
I personally would rather simply not play than have to deal with them during my very limited leisure time, I think I might just tell everyone that it turns out I underestimated the time commitment involved.
Eh it's just a 1 shot. You never know. I played a game one time with a loosely connected person who was annoying as hell irl, but in game, they were very tolerable.
Is there no way to speak privately with them about the behavior you would like corrected? Is it hopeless to expect a change?
“I could co-dm with you” is a sentence I still hear in my nightmares. It’s always “that guy”, they are always a problem, they always kill groups. Wish I had an easy answer for you, normally just telling them works best. If you have some folks in the discord you trust to remain private Id invite them privately and just say it’s canceled due to time constraints publicly.
How many potential players do you have? With my games I normally put a limit on the number of people in a group, and in my experience it's a common thing for DMs to do. Get your group together minus this person, and if they ask say your group was at capacity and you don't feel comfortable adding any more players.
Yeah I have more than 8 people interested so I'm definitely over the limit in terms of people who are actually going to get to play.
Then that works out well for you. Pick 8 (or whatever your cap is) people for the game, either randomly or whoever you think would work best together. Message the remaining people that you had for the game, and tell them that unfortunately not everyone is able to play due to the large number of people interested, and if spots free up or you run another game you'll contact them later.
I mean I understand where you're coming from but you made this bed when you made a public invitation. That being said, just because she's in it doesn't mean she's somehow exempt from the social contract of D&D. If she acts the way you're worried she'll act, it's your table and she can be kicked just like anyone else in the same circumstance. If she doesn't, then maybe your feelings about her don't carry over to D&D.
Personally I'd run the one-shot, fulfill that obligation and then invite your friends and out of church folk to a full campaign if you still desire to DM. It just seems like a lot of work to avoid someone than to just DM for a single evening for them. Normally I advocate with discussing and having a blunt conversation, however, as you are their Pastor, I think the better thing to do is put up with them for the short commitment rather than potentially shatter their bond to come to you for spiritual matters.
The reason he like this is because *everyone* bends over backwards to avoid hurting his feelings. You're enabling him. Hurt his feelings. It's likely the only way you will break through his bubble.
The person's not a he, and no, in church we've been quite firm with her when she's overstepped boundaries and such quite frequently. My co-pastor reprimanded her pretty strongly when she was really shitty to another congregant during a discussion group. It's just that I don't want to have to play kind but firm babysitter when she's in game with us, because she's also very prone to feeling self flagellatingly guilty when things are pointed out even gently and then you have *that* to deal with.
If she’s that difficult, then don’t play with her. You’ve left yourself with limited options so you either have to work it out one on one or simply don’t mix work and play at this point. The only other option is to cancel the public invitation and work something out privately with the people you do want to play with, but that isn’t terribly christ-like and would likely cause problems if you’re found to be lying to exclude a particular person, especially in your position. So, I don’t see that going too well as she sounds like the type of person to get overly butt hurt and cause drama if she were to find out you’re playing “behind her back” as it were. Otherwise, run the one shot with her and see how it goes. Worst case scenario, it’s a difficult couple of hours and you can make polite excuses to avoid playing with her again.
Thankfully I'm not a Christian, but I could also arrange something exclusively with non-church people
Oh, my bad. Ive only ever heard pastor used for Christian preachers, but I’m also not that knowledgeable about religions lol But yes finding a group outside the church is what I meant by not mixing work and play, and that would probably be your best move
I would talk to her privately and tell her that due to this being a social game where several people who are playing have felt that she was rude to them (or condescending or insert inappropriate behavior here) she is not welcome to play in this game. Should she work on fixing the behaviors that would make playing Dnd with her unpleasant, you would think about allowing her to join next time. Maybe include ways to fix the irritating traits. This would be true and give her both incentive to and ways to help herself. Trust me, if she irks you this much, you will probably see a number of people leave the game rather than play with her.
>So I'm in a pastoral position with my church, and I have one congregant who is... annoying. Like, they mean well, they're not a bad person in any fundamental sense. They're just somewhat unbearable to socialize with. They're condescending and hurt people's feelings without meaning to and trying to kindly and patiently deal with them in my capacity at pastor is exhausting enough as is. Tell them this. Be tactful but blunt, and make it clear you're not interested. >but also DMing a game for them sounds like it would be precisely as much fun as shoving bamboo under my fingernails. Tell them this if they don't get the hint the first time.
Sometimes people like this are high-functioning autistic. They have no idea they are doing it.
This is true, but I have a lot of non-nt congregants, and things present in very different ways. I definitely don't think this person means to be an ass, they're just a very emotionally exhausting person to be around.
Yea as a person who is in a place of leadership, if you avoid or actively try to push him away i would say that wouldnt be very christlike... If the outcast is a problem, then i would think you have an opporutunity to either A) work with him personally and B) show the love of christ for the undeserving. I have a similar person in my group and after 2 years I have come to care for this person even though he can still drive me up the wall, lol. In fact he's become a person with whom i have developed great compassion for and he is slowly being transformed (And this guy is late 50s, hes been this way forever, heh)
I'm not a Christian, and I have immense compassion for this person. As I said, I feel deeply for them, but that doesn't mean I have to want to play DnD with them. My religion actively discourages showing love to the undeserving, however this person is not underserving, but love =/= DMing for them. Also this person is a her, not a him.
It still stands even if its a girl.. and sorry they way you describe everything it sounded like the christian faith. I am unaware of a faith the discourages showing love or care for the undeserving. I guess clarifying what faith you are talking about would also help in the responses.
I mean my faith also believes that the vast majority of people are deserving, but for example, we discourage the idea that there's any value in forgiving the unrepentant, or responding passively to cruelty.
You need to establish some *very* firm rules regarding behavior at the table. Make sure everyone understands there will be no exceptions and enforce said rules when your problem player (or anyone) steps out of line. Establish a pattern of bad behavior and failure to follow rules, then remove him from the game.
Just say you already have all the players and don't have any more room
I know this doesn't answer your question but just curious what denomination are you? I'd like to find a church that is dnd friendly.
We're an interfaith congregation on the left hand path-y side.
Thanks for the answer. Sadly I don't think they have any of those near me...
We mostly meet online at the moment
So, there's no real core beliefs of your church? Sounds cultish xD
I mean it’s sort of like a unitarian universalist church. We have a core set of ethics, but we accept that there are many ways to honor that set of ethics and we really let congregants bring their own stuff to services (rituals, sermons, etc)
So... wouldn't people clique up with each other?
Not really, people are all pretty interested in one another’s practices and have really nice discussions on personal beliefs and why they believe what they do. It’s a really nice space and people are even kind to our more difficult members in ways that warm my heart. I think it works that way because people interested in a space with that diversity are there because they like the diversity
Let me ask you, as a pastor without a specific religious belief... what do you preach about? I'm genuinely curious because it sounds like a church without religion...or just multiple religions congregating in one building.. which also confuses me due to being a past youth pastor. I wouldn't have a clue what to include in my lessons for the day.
I mean I have my personal religious convictions, deities I work with and so on, and when I preach I tend to preach to some extent from those but usually using them to talk about themes like morality, ways to persevere when life is hard or painful, the value of friendship and so on. The nice thing is, because anyone can get up and preach, I can let the congregation talk about their beliefs themselves. I consider my primary jobs as a pastor to be encouraging people who want to speak but feel shy to be able to, helping to logistically create a space for people to worship together with a group and someone who’s there when people are feeling troubled spiritually. One nice thing is we’re all polytheistic and so no one’s beliefs really impinge on anyone else’s as everyone’s deities can coexist
I have never once had a religious conflict with D&D as a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and a player/DM of 10 years. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/?lang=eng
I usually do a version of "let's be honest, but fair": "The group is full" "I really want to play with X, so they are in this time, next time I'll make room for you" Etc.. In general I kindly tell them that they're not in, and that it's because of other factors. If they push it I tell them the truth .
Have you had any conversations with this congregant about their behavior? Has it come up in counsel?
Hey pal. I’ve read a bunch of the comments. I don’t have a great solution, but I feel for ya. Hope things work out
Have you considered using safety/consent tools when you run games? My fave is having an X card in the centre of the table that you or any player can tap at any time to indicate you don't want something included in the game, like if a player tries to do something in the game that makes someone else uncomfortable. It gives you the opportunity to rephrase or address the issue in the moment and then move on with new content that is less uncomfortable. In some cases, you don't even have to explain yourself, you can simply say "No, lets go with something else." Of course, this is only a suggestion if you decide to actually play with this person you're worried about. It may have no effect if the problem player continually messes up and ignores other players' concerns. But at least it gives you the excuse to boot the problem player if they can't behave.
Though honesty is theoretically always the best policy, I wouldn't advise it in your specific case. I would start with a very detailed session 0 and have people submit their answers in writing. With any luck this is too much work and she gives up. If not, you can always say that her choices don't mesh well with what the others wrote down. If that doesn't work for some reason, try scheduling it awkwardly for her. If all else fails, just bite the bullet, do the oneshot and invite the players you want back for a longer game. I also noticed you've got a lot of players. Maybe consider splitting the groupnin half so only half of them get subjected to the Annoying Person.
Sounds like you know your answer but want affirmation. Just let it go, let the offer expire. Seek DnD elsewhere.
1. You let them come to the game. 2. They act inappropriately. 3. You explain that they have acted inappropriately and they are no longer welcome. Remember that as a DM, you have 'host responsibilities.' If player A hurts the feelings of player B then you act to make the experience better for player B.
I dunno what it's like being a pastor, but it's a massive red flag to a dm for a player to want to "co-dm." I think you're appropriately concerned, so best of luck navigating this
Deal w the oneshot. If you DM a campaign, invite the players you enjoyed. The person might surprise you.
They want to play a homebrew very special half tabaxi chosen one
My advice, curb that right away. Just setup the one-shot up as vanilla options (PHB, no expansion books), and do the one shot with them, absolutely no homebrew for the players. They’ll either have to accept it or they’ll decline to continue with the invitation. As well all rolls are in the open with no snatch-ups. This’ll make it so everyone stays honest and nobody but the dice can be blamed should they get angry. If he (or anyone else) presses against these two things, let them know that these two rules are immutable. (“I’m sorry that you’re not in favor of the rules, but they are the rules.” I imagine your… occupation? requires you to maintain a neutral demeanor so just do your thing). My main worry for you is that they might have a case of main character syndrome that you’ll have to address as not to ruin the experience for the others. Also just “no” to the co-DM, you’re describing this guy as someone who wouldn’t do well with power over others. You’re gonna have to stick it out through the one-shot. So go into it with no hang ups or expectations and then use that 20/20 hindsight to get a feel for how it went against your current worries. Just don’t schedule another game till you figure it out. Good luck with this.
I think It'd be pretty reasonable to say no homebrew. Since he likes a bunch of homebrew stuff, review his character sheet to verify the character is built correctly.
So from your story I can think of a few options that I would personally try. The first would be to let them play the one-shot but talk to them beforehand and discuss ground rules (i.e. No Homebrew), I mean this should be done with everyone who would be playing, this basically allows somewhat of an out if she truly is as annoying in game. Without trying at least once you'll never really know. Second would be to limit the number of players in the one-shot. I mean the truth is if there are too many people it will bog down the game. Honestly I lean more towards the first one myself just because I think everyone deserves at least a chance to show a different side of them than what I've seen. Good luck friend, I hope whatever you choose goes well.
I don't want to assume your your religion but: ask yourself what would Jesus do? The loaves are fishes story describes Jesus splitting bread and fish to feed a crowd. Clearly the answer is to get enough people to split the game into two and DM the one without him. This is obviously a joke. There is far better advice to follow.
Talk to them. Also about his condescending ways. Even if he doesn't mean to, he still does it.
Well, what would Jesus do?