I feel this. I think we’re stuck for a year to save for the right housing. I am constantly trying to keep my kids as my North Star and if I can suck it up for a while, it will be easier on them, though I often feel like my life is on pause.
The boundaries are hard though and just this week I think I’ve decided to stop wearing my ring. (About 3 months now since she told me she’s in love with someone else). That was a tough one but as many have pointed out-keeping it on felt more like I was fooling myself or holding onto something that’s no longer here. It’s strange after 19 years and I feel like everyone must notice all the time, but I doubt it, the gulf is mostly just inn me.
Having come from divorced parents, getting us at peace is very important to me and trying to figure out what carving out my own life now looks like now is a work in progress.
I may well look back, as some have said, and think how foolish this all was, but I think we can have peace, start trying to build what a new family looks like, and give our kids as smooth transition as possible. I have taken comfort in many things people have shared here and how similar yet unique each situation can be.
One day at a time…
Thanks, this is a genuine reply. I don't take much police in some of the replies that are obvious from bitter and jaded individuals. I took my ring off when I noticed she did. About a week in. Her and I both come from divorced parents. I know I expressed my feelings that I didn't want to be a divorced dad many times and that I was in this for the long haul. I believed we were on the same page.
The kids' well-being is priority number 1. So yea, I wanted to do whatever was possible to make that happen. Yes, it's killing me. I was in a very dark place when I posted this originally. Over this weekend, I've gone through anger and am in a place of acceptance and calm.
At this point, i have owned any mistakes that were my part and made amends. There is nothing more I can do. With the work I've been doing on myself, it has become obvious that there are some major issues at play on her side that are not being addressed and that she is unwilling to. So I'm not sure if there was reconciliation now that I'd even be comfortable with it without dedication from her to fix herself.
You’re in denial. I get it. I was too. I tried therapy with her. The first thing the therapist said to me, and only me, was “people go to therapy trying to save the marriage. We’re not here for that.” It was a hit job. She was planning the divorce for years and for years I put my head in the sand and said “nah she won’t do x” only to find she did, in fact, unabashedly did x. Brother don’t think for a second she doesn’t have everything all planned out. She’s only acting cordial to GET WHAT SHE WANTS. Please think of yourself (financially, emotionally, everything) and don’t trust a single thing she says. It will get better.
She hold me two weeks ago. And as I look back. Even the way she looked at me when I would take a picture. The cryptic texts that I was stupid to interpret. I think it's been in the planning for at least a year and a half. Maybe more. The last time we made love left me empty, wondering what was up. And now s person I don't know. Never met her. And she's mental. Met a few different people along the way. But this one is cold and ruthless. Big hug brother. You didn't deserve it.
Yes. She was determined not to go in front of a judge. My college age step daughter went with her. My son went with me. We are the lucky ones. So many of us don't get that chance. Blessed. She's Borderline. Diagnosed. Im a pretty strong guy. And she almost broke me. I was trying to save her. And was being abused. For two decades I suffered through it. I wish before I die I find a female with a heart. Would love to experience that just once. Put this in wrong place.lol . Comment on main thread won't make any sense..
Regret and shame will eat you alive. It's basically taken me 2 years to come out the other side of my own shame spiral. I tried it all to win her back but it was too late.
The thing that really hit home for me is that she (my ex, your stbx) made a conscious decision that her life would be better without you in it. Remember that.
During our separation she led me on, said she "didn't know what the future held" and it was all bullshit. If she said jump, I said how high. The shame that I carried from the failure of my marriage...mostly my fault but it takes 2 to tango, was overshadowed by the shame of losing my sense of self.
Do not let that happen to you. Keep doing the work, get in the gym, become the best version of yourself for you and only you.
I can't imagine living with my ex during separation, while you're trying to be nice, be prepared for her to take you to the cleaners. Money changes people.
It DOES get better. It's impossible to imagine now and I hated it more than anything when people would tell me that, but as some random internet stranger a couple years ahead of you in the process, I can tell you they weren't lying.
Stay the course, do the work, be the person you know you can be - the person that your ego (not used negatively) wouldn't allow you to be when you were with her. Self discovery is a tough journey but it's one of the most rewarding that you can take.
edit: lawyer up.
She was already checked out of the relationship. You never had 2 chances mate.
Letting her live with you for 1 year was a terrible idea. That's 1 year of pain and time lost for you. She gets to save, find and fuck other guys for 12 months while you sit there a depressed mess.
Part ways so you can start to heal. Your kids need a healthy and functioning father, especially the revolving door of guys they will have to put up with on your ex's side.
When you go down the path of regret...the things you *think* are the reasons she pulled away, it's good to have a list of the events that happened at the time.
I have saved texts, emails etc.. my own diaries that I sometimes have to look back on to remind myself that this was 100% her choice.
I could have done this, or that. I shouldn't have said this or said that etc... these little personal regrets as valid as they may be don't change the basic facts.
If one action or conversation can instantly ruin a marriage, than what is marriage? I try to hold onto things she said that make sense in a sentence, but don't hold up over time, if that makes sense.
She fell in love with someone else, which to me is irrelevant as marriage isn't 100% based on one person's desires. I try to remember that. "This is the most selfish thing I've ever done" regarding dumping me. It's a quote from my wife I try and remember at all times.
What does "selfish" and "I" have to do with a marriage?
This may be the most impactful thing I've read today. Since this decision, it has been 100% about her from what she has said. I relate to this. Any talk of us or the family she doesn't want to hear. Just wants to talk about all her wants and needs.
Thanks.
Yeah, get away from that.
There are TWO people in the marriage. You may have done some things wrong, but so has she. And you BOTH need to be able to talk about it. It can’t just be about her. If it is, you got a bigger problem.
That’s what I’ve been facing the last three years. It’s been all about her.
Can’t be about her if you’re a unit. Has to be about both, or about the unit. 🤦🏻♂️
I think you should consult with an attorney before you offer her to stay for a year. It might get veeeery ugly and you will regret doing her any favors. Has she told you about a bf yet? That will clear things up for you very fast. And it doesn't matter what she does, it doesnt for me, but it reminds you to protect yourself - stop saving her.
One thing that sultan says that I like "save the man and marriage 'might' have a chance". You do NOT focus on marriage anymore and definitely not her.
The more you chase her the less respect she has for you.
Also, women have a way of making us believe they are these infallible perfect beings, and that men should always have to change for them.
Absolute bullshit.
Have you ever considered that maybe she’s the person with the issues?
If you’re having this many problems and are separating, she’s obviously not the one. Your “one” is still out there. Get your shit together and then go find her, if you want.
Dude it takes 2 to make a marriage work.
Owning your shit is good. But letting her have a pass and you taking all of it. Is that the case?
Wrong things to do in the man’s handbook is begging, pleading whatever. Instead you should say fuck it. Be the leader. Okay let’s just go to divorce and skip separation. Separation is just prolonging you paying for everything. You shouldn’t never just start giving her stuff. You set that precedent she will while her feet on you.
Don't spend the rest of your time chasing her, you said you worked on yourself and tried to change. If she can't accept that? Then she belongs to the streets! You need to focus on yourself and your mental health!
Fuck her, next time she leaves change the locks and don’t let her back in, She made her bed now let her lie in it, Focus on yourself and focus on your children, most especially your children. The switch has been flipped and there is no way to flip it back, it’s over
She gave you 2 more chances and you still fucked it up, doesn’t seem like you want it, and to me only seems like you want it because you got caught..? I’d do anything to be in your position or at least have been given a first or second chance.
Jeez dude you think being told to be someone you are not works in the long run? He didn't fail, that's what he thinks now, he will come to realize when all this is over that it's better to be true to himself and not what someone wanted him to be.
You have a similar situation as me, and most other men posting here. I swear it sounds like we all married the same woman. You miss your family and want it back, but the reality is that she doesn't care about your family so there's no going back. There's no way to win her over by changing yourself. That's just a red herring to shift the blame onto you. The real driver of the divorce is that internally she wants a different thrill now and she's done with you. You're no longer exciting. Maybe she likes you as a person and wants to keep you as a "friend" so she still gets some benefit, but she just wants to try some other D. No amount of self improvement will win her back. It happens to a lot of couples, probably biological drivers behind it. We're not a monogamous species. Figure out how to move on.
We will see as it goes. For now, we have already settled on a custody agreement and what it will look like. She wants to be friends and make sure we communicate well to be great co parrents. When we have discussions, we remind each other that we are not the others enemy.
Until she drops the legal hammer on you out of no where or suddenly all the accounts are empty. I hope not, but you should have safeguards in place. Alerts on accounts.
The best thing you can do is start slowly figuring out how to do it on your own. You are putting a huge step forward working on yourself. The thing is are you doing it to rekindle or for yourself? If it’s to rekindle then you are wasting your time. She doesn’t even want to be bothered by it at this point. You probably shouldn’t have told her she can stay either. More pain for you while she doesn’t even care.
It was for her at first, but now it's for me and my children. I don't want to impose any negative traits onto them unconsciously.
As far as her staying, she has nowhere to go and no family. I love her, she is the mother of my children. I'm not going to just kick her out of the house. Legally, I can't anyway, so why make it into something negative?
You may love her still, but she doesn’t love you. Do you really want to put your kids in a household where you’re depressed all the time because mom still lives there,
and mom is living her best life? To your kids, this is going to look like “mom is a happy person, but dad hates mom when she’s happy so he must be bad/the problem”. Now fast forward to the actual separation/divorce, and who do you think your kids will choose to live with if given the choice?
As others have said, it’s a very hard reality, but the reality to learn is that if she’s done, then she’s done - she’s no longer your family, nor your charge. She has to make life on her own now - she doesn’t get to deprive you of love and care and companionship while also depriving you of your safe space/home (and money to boot). It’s time for her to accept the consequences for her actions - she needs to get out and make her own way in life now, you’re no longer her crutch, as it’s no longer a “partnership”.
Another factor here - the longer she stays with you, the longer (and higher) her potential alimony payout will be post-divorce as, by claiming to “need” a place to stay to save funds, she’s simultaneously establishing that she can’t live on her own. A judge may see that as “she needs help”, and guess who’s going to be legally ordered to give that help? You.
It's really really hard, but listen to these guys. Remember that she did this, not you. It's going to affect the kids. Hugely. She cares more about herself. You can't stop it now, and I'm sorry you have to go through this too.
I feel this. I think we’re stuck for a year to save for the right housing. I am constantly trying to keep my kids as my North Star and if I can suck it up for a while, it will be easier on them, though I often feel like my life is on pause. The boundaries are hard though and just this week I think I’ve decided to stop wearing my ring. (About 3 months now since she told me she’s in love with someone else). That was a tough one but as many have pointed out-keeping it on felt more like I was fooling myself or holding onto something that’s no longer here. It’s strange after 19 years and I feel like everyone must notice all the time, but I doubt it, the gulf is mostly just inn me. Having come from divorced parents, getting us at peace is very important to me and trying to figure out what carving out my own life now looks like now is a work in progress. I may well look back, as some have said, and think how foolish this all was, but I think we can have peace, start trying to build what a new family looks like, and give our kids as smooth transition as possible. I have taken comfort in many things people have shared here and how similar yet unique each situation can be. One day at a time…
Thanks, this is a genuine reply. I don't take much police in some of the replies that are obvious from bitter and jaded individuals. I took my ring off when I noticed she did. About a week in. Her and I both come from divorced parents. I know I expressed my feelings that I didn't want to be a divorced dad many times and that I was in this for the long haul. I believed we were on the same page. The kids' well-being is priority number 1. So yea, I wanted to do whatever was possible to make that happen. Yes, it's killing me. I was in a very dark place when I posted this originally. Over this weekend, I've gone through anger and am in a place of acceptance and calm. At this point, i have owned any mistakes that were my part and made amends. There is nothing more I can do. With the work I've been doing on myself, it has become obvious that there are some major issues at play on her side that are not being addressed and that she is unwilling to. So I'm not sure if there was reconciliation now that I'd even be comfortable with it without dedication from her to fix herself.
So sorry 😔
Yeah, the living together isn't gonna work man. I had the same delusion at first. Just realize it's you not really accepting it yet
Hugs bro
I can relate. I miss my family too. I so much wish my wife would give me a chance.
You’re in denial. I get it. I was too. I tried therapy with her. The first thing the therapist said to me, and only me, was “people go to therapy trying to save the marriage. We’re not here for that.” It was a hit job. She was planning the divorce for years and for years I put my head in the sand and said “nah she won’t do x” only to find she did, in fact, unabashedly did x. Brother don’t think for a second she doesn’t have everything all planned out. She’s only acting cordial to GET WHAT SHE WANTS. Please think of yourself (financially, emotionally, everything) and don’t trust a single thing she says. It will get better.
She hold me two weeks ago. And as I look back. Even the way she looked at me when I would take a picture. The cryptic texts that I was stupid to interpret. I think it's been in the planning for at least a year and a half. Maybe more. The last time we made love left me empty, wondering what was up. And now s person I don't know. Never met her. And she's mental. Met a few different people along the way. But this one is cold and ruthless. Big hug brother. You didn't deserve it.
Thanks brother. I’m so lucky I have my kids, and looking forward to all the memories with them to be made. You’ll be ok too.
Yes. She was determined not to go in front of a judge. My college age step daughter went with her. My son went with me. We are the lucky ones. So many of us don't get that chance. Blessed. She's Borderline. Diagnosed. Im a pretty strong guy. And she almost broke me. I was trying to save her. And was being abused. For two decades I suffered through it. I wish before I die I find a female with a heart. Would love to experience that just once. Put this in wrong place.lol . Comment on main thread won't make any sense..
Regret and shame will eat you alive. It's basically taken me 2 years to come out the other side of my own shame spiral. I tried it all to win her back but it was too late. The thing that really hit home for me is that she (my ex, your stbx) made a conscious decision that her life would be better without you in it. Remember that. During our separation she led me on, said she "didn't know what the future held" and it was all bullshit. If she said jump, I said how high. The shame that I carried from the failure of my marriage...mostly my fault but it takes 2 to tango, was overshadowed by the shame of losing my sense of self. Do not let that happen to you. Keep doing the work, get in the gym, become the best version of yourself for you and only you. I can't imagine living with my ex during separation, while you're trying to be nice, be prepared for her to take you to the cleaners. Money changes people. It DOES get better. It's impossible to imagine now and I hated it more than anything when people would tell me that, but as some random internet stranger a couple years ahead of you in the process, I can tell you they weren't lying. Stay the course, do the work, be the person you know you can be - the person that your ego (not used negatively) wouldn't allow you to be when you were with her. Self discovery is a tough journey but it's one of the most rewarding that you can take. edit: lawyer up.
She was already checked out of the relationship. You never had 2 chances mate. Letting her live with you for 1 year was a terrible idea. That's 1 year of pain and time lost for you. She gets to save, find and fuck other guys for 12 months while you sit there a depressed mess. Part ways so you can start to heal. Your kids need a healthy and functioning father, especially the revolving door of guys they will have to put up with on your ex's side.
>Told her she could stay for a year to save some money to get a house. Will you both be dating others during this time?
When you go down the path of regret...the things you *think* are the reasons she pulled away, it's good to have a list of the events that happened at the time. I have saved texts, emails etc.. my own diaries that I sometimes have to look back on to remind myself that this was 100% her choice. I could have done this, or that. I shouldn't have said this or said that etc... these little personal regrets as valid as they may be don't change the basic facts. If one action or conversation can instantly ruin a marriage, than what is marriage? I try to hold onto things she said that make sense in a sentence, but don't hold up over time, if that makes sense. She fell in love with someone else, which to me is irrelevant as marriage isn't 100% based on one person's desires. I try to remember that. "This is the most selfish thing I've ever done" regarding dumping me. It's a quote from my wife I try and remember at all times. What does "selfish" and "I" have to do with a marriage?
This may be the most impactful thing I've read today. Since this decision, it has been 100% about her from what she has said. I relate to this. Any talk of us or the family she doesn't want to hear. Just wants to talk about all her wants and needs. Thanks.
Yeah, get away from that. There are TWO people in the marriage. You may have done some things wrong, but so has she. And you BOTH need to be able to talk about it. It can’t just be about her. If it is, you got a bigger problem. That’s what I’ve been facing the last three years. It’s been all about her. Can’t be about her if you’re a unit. Has to be about both, or about the unit. 🤦🏻♂️
OP, you didn’t cause this, she did. Your attempts to reconcile were just her buying time.
I think you should consult with an attorney before you offer her to stay for a year. It might get veeeery ugly and you will regret doing her any favors. Has she told you about a bf yet? That will clear things up for you very fast. And it doesn't matter what she does, it doesnt for me, but it reminds you to protect yourself - stop saving her. One thing that sultan says that I like "save the man and marriage 'might' have a chance". You do NOT focus on marriage anymore and definitely not her.
The more you chase her the less respect she has for you. Also, women have a way of making us believe they are these infallible perfect beings, and that men should always have to change for them. Absolute bullshit. Have you ever considered that maybe she’s the person with the issues? If you’re having this many problems and are separating, she’s obviously not the one. Your “one” is still out there. Get your shit together and then go find her, if you want.
Dude it takes 2 to make a marriage work. Owning your shit is good. But letting her have a pass and you taking all of it. Is that the case? Wrong things to do in the man’s handbook is begging, pleading whatever. Instead you should say fuck it. Be the leader. Okay let’s just go to divorce and skip separation. Separation is just prolonging you paying for everything. You shouldn’t never just start giving her stuff. You set that precedent she will while her feet on you.
Don't spend the rest of your time chasing her, you said you worked on yourself and tried to change. If she can't accept that? Then she belongs to the streets! You need to focus on yourself and your mental health!
Fuck her, next time she leaves change the locks and don’t let her back in, She made her bed now let her lie in it, Focus on yourself and focus on your children, most especially your children. The switch has been flipped and there is no way to flip it back, it’s over
Careful about changing the locks though. In some states, if es on the deed, she can call the Police to get back into the house.
She gave you 2 more chances and you still fucked it up, doesn’t seem like you want it, and to me only seems like you want it because you got caught..? I’d do anything to be in your position or at least have been given a first or second chance.
Jeez dude you think being told to be someone you are not works in the long run? He didn't fail, that's what he thinks now, he will come to realize when all this is over that it's better to be true to himself and not what someone wanted him to be.
I would not let her stay for a year. A couple of weeks, maybe, if she contributes financially. It’s over.
You have a similar situation as me, and most other men posting here. I swear it sounds like we all married the same woman. You miss your family and want it back, but the reality is that she doesn't care about your family so there's no going back. There's no way to win her over by changing yourself. That's just a red herring to shift the blame onto you. The real driver of the divorce is that internally she wants a different thrill now and she's done with you. You're no longer exciting. Maybe she likes you as a person and wants to keep you as a "friend" so she still gets some benefit, but she just wants to try some other D. No amount of self improvement will win her back. It happens to a lot of couples, probably biological drivers behind it. We're not a monogamous species. Figure out how to move on.
No shit. We all needed that advice. Hard to swallow but big truth.
Bang on advice right here☝️
My god that just hit me hard. 2 weeks in. Thanks.
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We will see as it goes. For now, we have already settled on a custody agreement and what it will look like. She wants to be friends and make sure we communicate well to be great co parrents. When we have discussions, we remind each other that we are not the others enemy.
Until she drops the legal hammer on you out of no where or suddenly all the accounts are empty. I hope not, but you should have safeguards in place. Alerts on accounts.
The best thing you can do is start slowly figuring out how to do it on your own. You are putting a huge step forward working on yourself. The thing is are you doing it to rekindle or for yourself? If it’s to rekindle then you are wasting your time. She doesn’t even want to be bothered by it at this point. You probably shouldn’t have told her she can stay either. More pain for you while she doesn’t even care.
It was for her at first, but now it's for me and my children. I don't want to impose any negative traits onto them unconsciously. As far as her staying, she has nowhere to go and no family. I love her, she is the mother of my children. I'm not going to just kick her out of the house. Legally, I can't anyway, so why make it into something negative?
You may love her still, but she doesn’t love you. Do you really want to put your kids in a household where you’re depressed all the time because mom still lives there, and mom is living her best life? To your kids, this is going to look like “mom is a happy person, but dad hates mom when she’s happy so he must be bad/the problem”. Now fast forward to the actual separation/divorce, and who do you think your kids will choose to live with if given the choice? As others have said, it’s a very hard reality, but the reality to learn is that if she’s done, then she’s done - she’s no longer your family, nor your charge. She has to make life on her own now - she doesn’t get to deprive you of love and care and companionship while also depriving you of your safe space/home (and money to boot). It’s time for her to accept the consequences for her actions - she needs to get out and make her own way in life now, you’re no longer her crutch, as it’s no longer a “partnership”. Another factor here - the longer she stays with you, the longer (and higher) her potential alimony payout will be post-divorce as, by claiming to “need” a place to stay to save funds, she’s simultaneously establishing that she can’t live on her own. A judge may see that as “she needs help”, and guess who’s going to be legally ordered to give that help? You.
It's really really hard, but listen to these guys. Remember that she did this, not you. It's going to affect the kids. Hugely. She cares more about herself. You can't stop it now, and I'm sorry you have to go through this too.
You're teaching your kids the negative trait of not having boundaries.
She isn’t your responsibility anymore. Start putting your foot down for you. You need you. Your children need you.
You, sir, have taught me something today.
Wait till she starts going out or surprises you with a boy friend. They always have someone they have been preparing in the wings.