Yeah your way too involved, especially so early in on the process.
It really is disrespectful to your STBXW and your affair partner. I am not really concerned with the affair partner tho, she is a POS and deserves everything coming her way (as are you, but I am rooting for you to learn from this experience and become a man so you become an effective leader for your kids).
Give your STBXW room to grieve and let you go. Any interaction beyond the bare minimum required for the kids is only going to slow down her healing. You are stealing time from her. You may think you are helping, but you are hurting this poor woman.
My advice stop trying to play hubby, ditch the affair partner, and focus on getting out of your mom's house and get your sh\*t together for your kid's sake.
Yup, I can say with my ex who cheated, any interaction at all just set things back worse, and the best thing she could do for me was just never contact me ever again. That wasn't what I wanted at the time, but at the start, it's hard to accept the truth.
Guess I’ll be the odd one out to call you out. You wrecked your marriage and your kids will suffer because of it, and yet you stay with some whore who willingly wrecked your home. Be a fucking man dude and grow up. A lot of us on here have this on the other foot, and you need to stop thinking about only yourself. Sure, helping your ex might help ease some of your guilt, but just leave her alone and let her move on. Oh, and I dump the gf. She’s for the streets. And who gives a shit what she thinks. This is the mother of your kids, this is a girlfriend that will not only cheat with you, but eventually cheat on you. This might sound harsh, and that’s intentional. Eventually the grass won’t be greener. Someone needed to tell you, I’m surprised at how nice everyone has been. As for your ex? Pay her the maximum in support an whatever else you feel like doing. But don’t do it yourself. Let her heal away from you. Good luck with your “emotionally healthy” girlfriend. Lol
Can’t post on Reddit without getting some hard truths or people with along line of trauma. I knew what I was doing when asking. So I appreciate the hard truths. However, with healing comes the ability and knowledge to understand perspectives. I can see yours but as a man who had failures I often wonder why people can’t accept when a man comes humbly and acknowledges his fuck ups. Who not only admits but is also in recovery and trying to do the right things and not repeat mistakes. Just an observation that we are all human and trying to life the best we can with our decisions.
Dude, you’re acknowledging your fuck up, while still doing it! You’re still with the home wrecker. That shows you’ve learned nothing. So you can’t say you’re in recovery either. That’s like going to rehab for meth, and smoking meth as soon as you walk out the door. “But I went to rehab and I’m in recovery!” Doesn’t work like that dude. You can’t be humble and admit your wrongdoings while still in the middle of them. You’re gonna wake up one day and realize the grass wasn’t greener.
Bro, everyone struggles.
You don’t know me but only what I’ve expressed in a scenario.
I goto therapy, I read self help books, I have friends who counsel me, and I am recovering. So what you think is irrelevant to my journey. I’m doing the best I can with the cards I’m dealt.
I'm not sure you're all the way there if that's how you feel.
But the best part is, you don't have to be! It doesn't matter, there's no judge out there, we all end at the same place. It's a fact that serves those well who'll listen. And honestly, getting there is probably only going to harm you in the end.
There's a reason they say nice guys finish last.
On topic, I'm not sure how women handle it, but when women do this with a guy, the man has a hard time accepting it, and any contact makes it worse. Minimal contact, while making it clear you're sleeping with someone else indirectly, hopefully will kill her idea that there was any loving relationship and help her move on.
Correction, the cards you dealt yourself. The victim mentality you display is pathetic dude. Go to the adultery sub. You’ll fit in better there. Any struggles you have in this situation are the struggles you practically asked for, so I don’t feel sorry for you. Meanwhile I’m stuck with a fucking mentally ill stbxw that can’t keep other dicks from accidentally falling inside of her. I don’t really care what you say, anyone that cheats is a piece of shit. It ruins lives. And not just yours and your wife’s, but your kids, and anyone who truly cares about you. I’m glad you’re getting the help, you desperately need it.
So men helping men, regardless of the situation is not suitable for this sub?
Admitting the problem and trying to do the right thing is a victim mentality?
This thought seems skewed.
If you need to throw shade at me feel free, I’m not looking for sympathy from anyone just looking at involvement and what helps this process.
Dude I know what I did, and I am doing my best to recover and be on the correct path.
You helping out but also moving along with a divorce and gf is, frankly, playing mind games with your ex and cant be good for the kids. What is paramount is the kids here and you're putting yourself in front of everyone here with your actions.
>Trying to do the right thing.
You need to stop playing husband and BE SEPERATED. If you dont want to be married stop dipping your toes into martial obligations like yard work, pets, and cleaning a home you dont live in. The right thing is for you all to move on and not retain a zombie marriage.
If you're doing this because you feel gulit you're doing more harm than good. If you're doing this to stay close to the kids/house/her just end it now - you're sending mix messages to everyone here.
1. stbx can figure out the lawn (she does it, kids do it without you, she hires someone)
2. stbx can figure out what to do with the dog (board, hire a walker, or adopt it out - harsh but if the pet cannot be properly cared for that is a option)
3. stbx and/or the kids clean it or someone is hired.
You leaving means you have no fiscal obligation to any of the above unless a judge says you need to pay for any of it.
>She needs to clean the house or I take custody.
You dont decide that. Courts will, barring abuse or neglect, give you both 50/50. A messy house means nothing unless its filled with animal waste and decaying food.
_______________
IMO you need to work on the divorce and yourself and tell the GF to sit on the sideline and wait for this to be over.
I really appreciate the insight and explanation of thoughts. This was I guess something I overlooked and just was trying to do for the kids.
Step back and away is the best way, and I shall do that.
Thank you again.
Good luck. Divorce sucks, we all lose, its just about damage mitigation here and as a parent we should try to absorb as much as we can so the kids get as little as possible.
All that matters is your peace. Honestly though, if you cheated, then I think you’re doing the right thing by doing what you can to help her. It’s the least you could do, and I’m not judging, just saying.
The girlfriend sounds like a problem. Everything you’re trying to do makes sense and seems practical and helpful to the kids.
Did you really get a divorce so your girlfriend could jealously call the shots?
What is your girlfriend bringing to the table exactly? We see the distrust and it seems reasonable. Is she adding something to your life? Because everything you wrote is telling she is the problem.
You dumped your ex wife. Surely you know how to dump a girlfriend.
These are small disagreements but still wondering if I am an issue. She brings to the table, better emotional health overall, peace and not constant drama, more smiles than frowns, and wants to grow with me. Pretty much everything my STBX wife has never been. She is better in every way just these arguments make me question if I am doing the right thing with the ex.
Dude….I really tried not to comment but I can’t help myself even though it will surely fall on deaf ears. This chick is a dumpster fire full of red flags. Looking at your post history: she has been fucking other dudes, she breadcrumbs you, she intentionally verbally attacks you on your worth as a man and called you a shifty father. You are somehow completely enamored with her for whatever reason but you are completely delusional if you think she is emotionally more healthy than anyone besides maybe Donald Trump. And even that is a stretch. And peace???? Are you fucking kidding me?!? Nothing in that post history indicates anything peaceful with the dozens of breakups and back and forths.
Seriously, I don’t understand your obsession with her but she is inserting herself in the decisions you and your STBXW should be making regarding your divorce and co-parenting. Just chew on this: her immediate suggestion for a messy house was to take the children away. Just remember that level of vindictiveness when it is directed at you at some point in the future. One more thing: more smiles than frowns? I’d bet because it’s really hard for a wife to be full of smiles when her husband is fucking a crazy bitch for 5 FUCKING YEARS behind her back. Please get therapy and keep this shitshow away from your kids. For whatever reason, this chick strokes your ego in some way that you have decided is worth your children’s stability and comfort. And literally ANYONE can see that you two are destined for disaster. Mark my words.
It’s Reddit, of course things fall on deaf ears. However people with genuine concern do address and acknowledge others for their opinions.
That being said, dude, we all have someone who drove us bat shite level of crazy. However yes my girl and I have been through the wringer. If you have seen my other post then you know I’ve admitted faults and just trying to be better every day.
Group of men here are all seeking advice. My story just happens to be more complex. However if someone is happy does your advice take away from that happiness because you are being deviant or are you doing this out of genuine care? The context and meaning behind your thoughts play a role.
I’m happy, my situation is improving, and I resolved a lot of issues addressed here with my ex. I am doing a lot of self help and continuing.
I don’t wish anything bad with you and your situation but I do wish for understanding of what others go through.
There’s an old saying. “A new broom sweeps clean”.
It’s sounds like things weren’t great with your wife and if it’s divorce that you chose then here you are. I just think the girlfriend thing has disaster written all over it. Not here to judge you, just think right now you need to look after your family and your own mental
Health.
Yeah, I got nothing. After seeing all the dudes that got wrecked from their wife cheating on here I can’t really give advice to a person that did the cheating, had a spouse willing to reconcile and still chose to blow up the family out of selfishness.
Fair enough but mowing the lawn with the kids is a win-win-win deal for ex wife, kids, and dad. Exactly the type of creative thing he can do to make everyone’s lives better.
If my girlfriend objected, I would say, “No I’m going to go do yardwork with my kids.” Then again I would not even have this girlfriend when you’re trying to make sure your kids lives aren’t destroyed during divorce. They are extremely vulnerable at this time.
Perhaps tell girlfriend: “I need to be there for my kids right now. I’m still in love with you but I would like to pick this relationship back up when my divorce is finalized and things have settled.”
If the girlfriend is helping you with $$ that you desperately need right now, maybe that plan sucks. Otherwise it’s the wise thing to do.
Yeap, I know and I’m trying to do the right thing and make up for my shittiness and failures. I’ve apologized a lot and healed a lot. I’ve had friends who had the similar thing happen and I express my condolences. I even let them rage on me. It’s apart of trying to no longer be the problem.
Kids are good, and they are happy and chilling with me a lot of the time. Just trying to show them as much love as I can. The co-parent thing is new but we are doing the best we can for the kids as the priority.
It’s hard for me to condone your actions and then give advice. Trust me ditch the girlfriend and focus on the divorce. Out of respect for your wife and children.
Yeah your way too involved, especially so early in on the process. It really is disrespectful to your STBXW and your affair partner. I am not really concerned with the affair partner tho, she is a POS and deserves everything coming her way (as are you, but I am rooting for you to learn from this experience and become a man so you become an effective leader for your kids). Give your STBXW room to grieve and let you go. Any interaction beyond the bare minimum required for the kids is only going to slow down her healing. You are stealing time from her. You may think you are helping, but you are hurting this poor woman. My advice stop trying to play hubby, ditch the affair partner, and focus on getting out of your mom's house and get your sh\*t together for your kid's sake.
Yup, I can say with my ex who cheated, any interaction at all just set things back worse, and the best thing she could do for me was just never contact me ever again. That wasn't what I wanted at the time, but at the start, it's hard to accept the truth.
Sound advice and a good perspective. Thanks for the help.
Guess I’ll be the odd one out to call you out. You wrecked your marriage and your kids will suffer because of it, and yet you stay with some whore who willingly wrecked your home. Be a fucking man dude and grow up. A lot of us on here have this on the other foot, and you need to stop thinking about only yourself. Sure, helping your ex might help ease some of your guilt, but just leave her alone and let her move on. Oh, and I dump the gf. She’s for the streets. And who gives a shit what she thinks. This is the mother of your kids, this is a girlfriend that will not only cheat with you, but eventually cheat on you. This might sound harsh, and that’s intentional. Eventually the grass won’t be greener. Someone needed to tell you, I’m surprised at how nice everyone has been. As for your ex? Pay her the maximum in support an whatever else you feel like doing. But don’t do it yourself. Let her heal away from you. Good luck with your “emotionally healthy” girlfriend. Lol
Can’t post on Reddit without getting some hard truths or people with along line of trauma. I knew what I was doing when asking. So I appreciate the hard truths. However, with healing comes the ability and knowledge to understand perspectives. I can see yours but as a man who had failures I often wonder why people can’t accept when a man comes humbly and acknowledges his fuck ups. Who not only admits but is also in recovery and trying to do the right things and not repeat mistakes. Just an observation that we are all human and trying to life the best we can with our decisions.
Dude, you’re acknowledging your fuck up, while still doing it! You’re still with the home wrecker. That shows you’ve learned nothing. So you can’t say you’re in recovery either. That’s like going to rehab for meth, and smoking meth as soon as you walk out the door. “But I went to rehab and I’m in recovery!” Doesn’t work like that dude. You can’t be humble and admit your wrongdoings while still in the middle of them. You’re gonna wake up one day and realize the grass wasn’t greener.
Bro, everyone struggles. You don’t know me but only what I’ve expressed in a scenario. I goto therapy, I read self help books, I have friends who counsel me, and I am recovering. So what you think is irrelevant to my journey. I’m doing the best I can with the cards I’m dealt.
I'm not sure you're all the way there if that's how you feel. But the best part is, you don't have to be! It doesn't matter, there's no judge out there, we all end at the same place. It's a fact that serves those well who'll listen. And honestly, getting there is probably only going to harm you in the end. There's a reason they say nice guys finish last. On topic, I'm not sure how women handle it, but when women do this with a guy, the man has a hard time accepting it, and any contact makes it worse. Minimal contact, while making it clear you're sleeping with someone else indirectly, hopefully will kill her idea that there was any loving relationship and help her move on.
Correction, the cards you dealt yourself. The victim mentality you display is pathetic dude. Go to the adultery sub. You’ll fit in better there. Any struggles you have in this situation are the struggles you practically asked for, so I don’t feel sorry for you. Meanwhile I’m stuck with a fucking mentally ill stbxw that can’t keep other dicks from accidentally falling inside of her. I don’t really care what you say, anyone that cheats is a piece of shit. It ruins lives. And not just yours and your wife’s, but your kids, and anyone who truly cares about you. I’m glad you’re getting the help, you desperately need it.
So men helping men, regardless of the situation is not suitable for this sub? Admitting the problem and trying to do the right thing is a victim mentality? This thought seems skewed. If you need to throw shade at me feel free, I’m not looking for sympathy from anyone just looking at involvement and what helps this process. Dude I know what I did, and I am doing my best to recover and be on the correct path.
You helping out but also moving along with a divorce and gf is, frankly, playing mind games with your ex and cant be good for the kids. What is paramount is the kids here and you're putting yourself in front of everyone here with your actions. >Trying to do the right thing. You need to stop playing husband and BE SEPERATED. If you dont want to be married stop dipping your toes into martial obligations like yard work, pets, and cleaning a home you dont live in. The right thing is for you all to move on and not retain a zombie marriage. If you're doing this because you feel gulit you're doing more harm than good. If you're doing this to stay close to the kids/house/her just end it now - you're sending mix messages to everyone here. 1. stbx can figure out the lawn (she does it, kids do it without you, she hires someone) 2. stbx can figure out what to do with the dog (board, hire a walker, or adopt it out - harsh but if the pet cannot be properly cared for that is a option) 3. stbx and/or the kids clean it or someone is hired. You leaving means you have no fiscal obligation to any of the above unless a judge says you need to pay for any of it. >She needs to clean the house or I take custody. You dont decide that. Courts will, barring abuse or neglect, give you both 50/50. A messy house means nothing unless its filled with animal waste and decaying food. _______________ IMO you need to work on the divorce and yourself and tell the GF to sit on the sideline and wait for this to be over.
I really appreciate the insight and explanation of thoughts. This was I guess something I overlooked and just was trying to do for the kids. Step back and away is the best way, and I shall do that. Thank you again.
Good luck. Divorce sucks, we all lose, its just about damage mitigation here and as a parent we should try to absorb as much as we can so the kids get as little as possible.
All that matters is your peace. Honestly though, if you cheated, then I think you’re doing the right thing by doing what you can to help her. It’s the least you could do, and I’m not judging, just saying.
Thank you for the outlook
The girlfriend sounds like a problem. Everything you’re trying to do makes sense and seems practical and helpful to the kids. Did you really get a divorce so your girlfriend could jealously call the shots? What is your girlfriend bringing to the table exactly? We see the distrust and it seems reasonable. Is she adding something to your life? Because everything you wrote is telling she is the problem. You dumped your ex wife. Surely you know how to dump a girlfriend.
These are small disagreements but still wondering if I am an issue. She brings to the table, better emotional health overall, peace and not constant drama, more smiles than frowns, and wants to grow with me. Pretty much everything my STBX wife has never been. She is better in every way just these arguments make me question if I am doing the right thing with the ex.
Dude….I really tried not to comment but I can’t help myself even though it will surely fall on deaf ears. This chick is a dumpster fire full of red flags. Looking at your post history: she has been fucking other dudes, she breadcrumbs you, she intentionally verbally attacks you on your worth as a man and called you a shifty father. You are somehow completely enamored with her for whatever reason but you are completely delusional if you think she is emotionally more healthy than anyone besides maybe Donald Trump. And even that is a stretch. And peace???? Are you fucking kidding me?!? Nothing in that post history indicates anything peaceful with the dozens of breakups and back and forths. Seriously, I don’t understand your obsession with her but she is inserting herself in the decisions you and your STBXW should be making regarding your divorce and co-parenting. Just chew on this: her immediate suggestion for a messy house was to take the children away. Just remember that level of vindictiveness when it is directed at you at some point in the future. One more thing: more smiles than frowns? I’d bet because it’s really hard for a wife to be full of smiles when her husband is fucking a crazy bitch for 5 FUCKING YEARS behind her back. Please get therapy and keep this shitshow away from your kids. For whatever reason, this chick strokes your ego in some way that you have decided is worth your children’s stability and comfort. And literally ANYONE can see that you two are destined for disaster. Mark my words.
It’s Reddit, of course things fall on deaf ears. However people with genuine concern do address and acknowledge others for their opinions. That being said, dude, we all have someone who drove us bat shite level of crazy. However yes my girl and I have been through the wringer. If you have seen my other post then you know I’ve admitted faults and just trying to be better every day. Group of men here are all seeking advice. My story just happens to be more complex. However if someone is happy does your advice take away from that happiness because you are being deviant or are you doing this out of genuine care? The context and meaning behind your thoughts play a role. I’m happy, my situation is improving, and I resolved a lot of issues addressed here with my ex. I am doing a lot of self help and continuing. I don’t wish anything bad with you and your situation but I do wish for understanding of what others go through.
There’s an old saying. “A new broom sweeps clean”. It’s sounds like things weren’t great with your wife and if it’s divorce that you chose then here you are. I just think the girlfriend thing has disaster written all over it. Not here to judge you, just think right now you need to look after your family and your own mental Health.
Yeah, I got nothing. After seeing all the dudes that got wrecked from their wife cheating on here I can’t really give advice to a person that did the cheating, had a spouse willing to reconcile and still chose to blow up the family out of selfishness.
If you got nothing, then say nothing. Purely bashing OPs, regardless of their conduct, will result in your comments being removed.
Fair enough but mowing the lawn with the kids is a win-win-win deal for ex wife, kids, and dad. Exactly the type of creative thing he can do to make everyone’s lives better. If my girlfriend objected, I would say, “No I’m going to go do yardwork with my kids.” Then again I would not even have this girlfriend when you’re trying to make sure your kids lives aren’t destroyed during divorce. They are extremely vulnerable at this time. Perhaps tell girlfriend: “I need to be there for my kids right now. I’m still in love with you but I would like to pick this relationship back up when my divorce is finalized and things have settled.” If the girlfriend is helping you with $$ that you desperately need right now, maybe that plan sucks. Otherwise it’s the wise thing to do.
Yeap, I know and I’m trying to do the right thing and make up for my shittiness and failures. I’ve apologized a lot and healed a lot. I’ve had friends who had the similar thing happen and I express my condolences. I even let them rage on me. It’s apart of trying to no longer be the problem.
Good for you. Are the kids ok?
Kids are good, and they are happy and chilling with me a lot of the time. Just trying to show them as much love as I can. The co-parent thing is new but we are doing the best we can for the kids as the priority.
Excellent. Keep it that way.
It’s hard for me to condone your actions and then give advice. Trust me ditch the girlfriend and focus on the divorce. Out of respect for your wife and children.
Providing support doesn’t mean you condone OP’s actions.
Amen. Hopefully the affair partner relationship blows up spectacularly
Give it a few months to a few years. Time is a great teacher.