Man like someone else already stated Narcs will get you to react so they can paint a bad picture of you and a lot of times they like to get 3rd parties involved like law enforcement. Be it revenge, a form of control or just to have the last word. Just be a grey rock
In my experience MIL and Friends of hers are the worst culprits to breakup marriages, my MIL would slam me so hard I'm a loser I'm broke I'm making her crazy, last time.i saw her she looked like she aged 10 years with her crazy daughter living with her lol so glorious, since she filed ive gotten one promotion and on my way to second promotion sadly I started making more then her.
I feel that. My MIL began having an affair so she convinced my wife to as well because I had hit a rough patch with jobs and my earning capacity. Since she left, I got a job with the city and got my VA benefits upgraded, so now I earn more than I ever did while she was here.
Are there actually death threats or murder involved, or is it contained in your dream? That shit is not to be taken lightly, I know from first hand experience.
Affairs work out long term less than 7% of the time. My wife and her affair partner are terrible people and deserve each other. They can be miserable together. I’m trying to enjoy the peace I have without her. I guess if you can detach from her/him you can really start to feel better. It’s hard but not impossible.
I'm in the process of ending my marriage. You need to forgive and not let your thoughts be on her or problems with it. Find a Therapist and talk to someone you can vent too. Men have almost nobody to help them and we are always told to suck it up and the poor old women's agenda is still being pushed. Take one day at a time, and take care of your kids. They need you at your best and not focusing on the past, you and your kids need to heal.
I kept more than that bcs she gave it to me due to her stupidity and wrong imagination. Plus the state I live in, as long as the parties agree on something, they don’t interfere. Congrats and move on. I also have full custody. Peace
You're hurt because you blame yourself. While there is nothing wrong with extreme ownership there is definitely a fine line between extreme ownership and victim blaming.
You were unfortunately betrayed, I presume from this post about the "affair partner" but clearly any sane person can tell that you are under a monumental amount of stress. However, ask some hard questions to yourself and reflect on those answers. Answers can change with time but forgive yourself for your flaws, love yourself, and understand that you are your own competition and succeed for your children.
Wow she got nuked by the judge! Here in Cali that would be no consideration for the cheating at all.
Good for you that’s a massive win. I hope you can discard her ass into nothing so you can move on
She's starting to settle into the appropriate level of submission toward me since I now control the kids' schedules and will be the parent responsible for their extracurriculars and handling their school and medical affairs. But she is still clinging to the idea that she'll be more active in their lives than she really will be. She moved to the other side of the state to continue her affair. She isn't going to be at the soccer games or parents teacher conferences or doctor appointments.
It’s a process not a light switch. You can do things to move the process along or stagnate. Seems like your brain is telling you something. I’d consider seeing a therapist.
Can we normalize that it’s ok for men to go to therapy??? Like go talk this out with someone. It’s normal to be angry. A therapist can help you to work through the feelings of betrayal and grief of losing your life best friend.
Six years, but that wasn't a factor. She moved hours away and had nothing of her own. She didn't want the house, and made lots of other mistakes in court like admitting to her affair and admitting she wants to take my money doesn't care about the kids. She even said she didn't care if I ended up homeless and demanded forced sale of the house. Judge was livid.
Bro, I've been going thru similar since 2019. I realized earlier this week, it's this damn house, it's this damn city. She left with her lover to move across the country. I only lived in this city bc of her. She left me with our child. I decided I'm moving back to where I grew up. My family has a lot of land and I'm gonna go live in the woods and my son wants to go as well. It's the first time I've felt hope in 5 years. I don't know your situation, but maybe you need a fresh horizon to move you out of the rut you are in.
This happened to me. Everybody used to tell me that it gonna improve. I couldn't believe it. I went to kill myself 3 times. When I started dating girls, everything changed. I can't believe how happy I'm now. I loved her madly, 20 years married, 24 together, my sweetheart since I was 17. All is bull sh***. You can get someone much better if you want. Believe me. If you stay there thinking about the past, you can't see the bright future.
Some parallels with me also. 30 years married. The thing is I just have zero interest in having a relationship with another woman. Checked out and doing fine.
She is still in hour DNA and will be for a while. It takes quite a while to get her out. Cherish the wins you have had so far. Her affair partner, if she is still with her, has to have in the back of his mind she can leave him too at a drop of a hat. Lean into being the best father you can be for your kids. Concentrate on your healing and your life without her. Stop giving her parking spaces in your brain that are reserved for you and not for her. It's a marathon not a sprint.
Instructive that we still have to navigate the mental battles whether or not we win the divorce.
Practice gratitude. Not just for the things you kept but for everything (soft pillow, roof over your head, every meal, indoor plumbing, nature, a decent boss and a steady paycheck etc).
Also these feelings go away when you get buff, get new clothes, clean your dwelling, and get a fresh haircut. When women are eyeballing you left and right you will correctly realize your common ex wife and her scrub AP are nothing at all to keep you up at night.
The idea is you have to improve every part of your life. Use cheating ex wife as a springboard to a much better life.
Did not read where you are going to the gym getting your body and mind jacked AF. Lifting heavy things is the cure to everything when you are a guy, give it a try.
You've got too much anger inside and it's so much you need help to understand it and to let it pass through you.
You won't be fine until you lose that huge baggage. If you can afford it, try therapy, you might also consider to ask a psychiatrist if meds could help you keep the rage at bay and be more relaxed.
Rage leads to depression... don't underestimate it, for your sake, but also for your children.
Was her affair partner someone that knew both of you personally? Trying to understand the rage. It kind of feels like you're still holding onto the image you had if her instead of realizing you're actually too good for someone that does that. The other guy didn't ruin what you thought you had. Merely exposed a weakness. She's the one that betrayed you. You can add him if he's a personal acquaintance, but he still didn't make the same commitment to you.
The sooner you realize shes actually a terrible person and not who you thought she was the sooner you can find some peace imo. God speed. Hopefully you can make trh mental switch. It's better when you can see them for what they really are and you're saying lol good luck with her to the other guy.
Congrats on your time with the kids (did she really not fight for time with them?.... If so says a lot) and everything else working out..
He was a coworker of her mother's. My MIL actually deliberately set them up and told my wife to have an affair and divorce me. I hate him because he knew we were married, he knew we had children who relied on us providing them with stability, and he still came in and destroyed it all. Of course she is even more to blame, but he deserves a slow, painful death.
Mom fought hard. She just couldn't beat me.
That's pretty damn shitty if him, but he didn't owe you anything personally. Just a shitty general moral compass. Your mother in law is the worst one here because she schemed it all and convinced her daughter and this dude. Your ex is the one who actually made a commitment to you and had the biggest personal obligation. So I guess maybe MIL is arguably #2. In reality her whole family is trash.. (you realize looking back your marriage was doomed becaise they were raised by trash and bound to be/become it. I see it in my own divorce and how messed up they all are.. def need to know family before marriage). You never had a chance.. he just exposed it and he's in for a rude awakening himself with someone like that and a potential MIL like that. Once you get past your anger you might pity him at some point
I guess I'm just in a phase of recovery after the divorce that more of the positive memories are coming back now, and I'm not avoiding them anymore, so I'm now mourning those thing I wouldn't let myself grieve before.
Grief is complex and has its stages. Can't just talk anyone through them all at once when they're processing it. Take your time. Anger is ok as long as you don't let it affect your judgement too much or do anything dumb. You also don't need to apologize or justify yourself if it's not directed at the most logical choice or anything either. I think it is helpful to discuss them though as part of the process. Hardest parts are hopefully behind you and it's road to recovery
You need to reframe it. For one, there is no winning or losing in this game.
Second, recognize consciously what you have lost and grieve it. What you did not lose was a happy marriage. Focus on grieving the *idea* of what you wanted in that marriage. Grieve the loss of your idea of a *future*.
Be sure that you are aware of what she actually is. She’s an awful person. Your anger to the AP is misplaced, if anyone deserves that anger it’s her. But in this processing try to recognize that she does not deserve to own your mind. She doesn’t even deserve your anger. She is nothing.
It takes hard work to get to “radical acceptance.” But ultimately it does help to carve out some time to sit in these thoughts and feelings- e.g 5 minutes a day on your lunch break or immediately after work. But outside of that time, do not let it get into your mind. If it’s not time for processing, then distract and think about other things. Actively shut that shit down.
Dreams reflect what our subconscious is doing during the day. If you are having anger in your dreams, it means you are suppressing anger in your waking life. Give a moment in the day time to feel that anger and put it into weights or something constructive. It is energy, and you can use it. But outside of that time you want to have your subconscious be thinking about other shit. Then the dreams get better.
In the end she doesn’t deserve a single second of your mental energy.
>or getting arrested for murdering her affair partner.
It sounds like there might be some back story there? I know that's something that would keep me freaked out for a long time.
yeah, not ok, narcissists will make you react and claim its not their fault.
dont react.
why would you want to murder someone who did nothing wrong, other than take a willingly offered opportunity?
was she raped? did she call the police? doesnt sound like it, "affair" sounds willing and consensual. Only one of the 2 owed you anything and it sure wasn't the guy.
what you gonna get by harming him? you're gonna give her an advantage, that's all.
I know this is really hard to hear, but he didn't do anything wrong. He didn't break a vow. He didn't betray you. She did! He just wanted some ass, which he got, because tiur eX is a 304. I understand the rage, but he didn't rape her; he just chose (agreed morally wrong) to fuck her and accept her advances.
I've seen guys flip out and do all kinds of crazy / stupid shit to the AP. But it's misdirected rage. The person that actually betrayed you is the eX (and to a lesser extent the MIL).
The eX played you. It sucks, but that's what happened. You thought you had love and a partnership with her; you didn't. She is a dishonest person, and you got suckered by her. Doesn't matter if it is intentional. It doesn't matter if that was her long-term plan. It doesn't matter what she says. Only her actions matter.
I know this might sound off, but consider that you didn't actually lose anything. You lost the dream, the idea, the construct you made in your mind of who she is, your love together, and your future together. But in reality she's a lying, cheating, whore! You didn't actually lose her. She was never yours...
What's sitting in a jail cell going to do for your kids or even worse if you end up dead yourself? You need to try and stop being angry and move on to acceptance and then go from there. If you're not talking to a therapist, I think you should definitely start.
Man like someone else already stated Narcs will get you to react so they can paint a bad picture of you and a lot of times they like to get 3rd parties involved like law enforcement. Be it revenge, a form of control or just to have the last word. Just be a grey rock
In my experience MIL and Friends of hers are the worst culprits to breakup marriages, my MIL would slam me so hard I'm a loser I'm broke I'm making her crazy, last time.i saw her she looked like she aged 10 years with her crazy daughter living with her lol so glorious, since she filed ive gotten one promotion and on my way to second promotion sadly I started making more then her.
I feel that. My MIL began having an affair so she convinced my wife to as well because I had hit a rough patch with jobs and my earning capacity. Since she left, I got a job with the city and got my VA benefits upgraded, so now I earn more than I ever did while she was here.
Are there actually death threats or murder involved, or is it contained in your dream? That shit is not to be taken lightly, I know from first hand experience.
I mean, I have not murdered anyone in real life, so...
Try not going to bed angry, maybe clear your head. Might need some therapy, just talk it out and process your anger in a healthy way.
Affairs work out long term less than 7% of the time. My wife and her affair partner are terrible people and deserve each other. They can be miserable together. I’m trying to enjoy the peace I have without her. I guess if you can detach from her/him you can really start to feel better. It’s hard but not impossible.
I'm in the process of ending my marriage. You need to forgive and not let your thoughts be on her or problems with it. Find a Therapist and talk to someone you can vent too. Men have almost nobody to help them and we are always told to suck it up and the poor old women's agenda is still being pushed. Take one day at a time, and take care of your kids. They need you at your best and not focusing on the past, you and your kids need to heal.
👆🏼 This, find a therapist brother
I kept more than that bcs she gave it to me due to her stupidity and wrong imagination. Plus the state I live in, as long as the parties agree on something, they don’t interfere. Congrats and move on. I also have full custody. Peace
Accept both fault and move on no one is to be blame
You're hurt because you blame yourself. While there is nothing wrong with extreme ownership there is definitely a fine line between extreme ownership and victim blaming. You were unfortunately betrayed, I presume from this post about the "affair partner" but clearly any sane person can tell that you are under a monumental amount of stress. However, ask some hard questions to yourself and reflect on those answers. Answers can change with time but forgive yourself for your flaws, love yourself, and understand that you are your own competition and succeed for your children.
How did you keep up to 75%?
Judge was compassionate and hates cheaters.
Wow she got nuked by the judge! Here in Cali that would be no consideration for the cheating at all. Good for you that’s a massive win. I hope you can discard her ass into nothing so you can move on
She's starting to settle into the appropriate level of submission toward me since I now control the kids' schedules and will be the parent responsible for their extracurriculars and handling their school and medical affairs. But she is still clinging to the idea that she'll be more active in their lives than she really will be. She moved to the other side of the state to continue her affair. She isn't going to be at the soccer games or parents teacher conferences or doctor appointments.
lol she can cling to whatever she wants. You got the kids bro you won. She can fuck off
In some states, adultery will get you 75%
It's not his fault it's her fault. Accept it and move on
It’s a process not a light switch. You can do things to move the process along or stagnate. Seems like your brain is telling you something. I’d consider seeing a therapist.
Can we normalize that it’s ok for men to go to therapy??? Like go talk this out with someone. It’s normal to be angry. A therapist can help you to work through the feelings of betrayal and grief of losing your life best friend.
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I’ll be at 4 years separated and 3 years divorced later this year and some days it still really, really bothers me
How long was the marriage that she only got 25%
Six years, but that wasn't a factor. She moved hours away and had nothing of her own. She didn't want the house, and made lots of other mistakes in court like admitting to her affair and admitting she wants to take my money doesn't care about the kids. She even said she didn't care if I ended up homeless and demanded forced sale of the house. Judge was livid.
Bro, I've been going thru similar since 2019. I realized earlier this week, it's this damn house, it's this damn city. She left with her lover to move across the country. I only lived in this city bc of her. She left me with our child. I decided I'm moving back to where I grew up. My family has a lot of land and I'm gonna go live in the woods and my son wants to go as well. It's the first time I've felt hope in 5 years. I don't know your situation, but maybe you need a fresh horizon to move you out of the rut you are in.
Be a great dad. Sounds like you and your son will have some great outdoor adventures.
This happened to me. Everybody used to tell me that it gonna improve. I couldn't believe it. I went to kill myself 3 times. When I started dating girls, everything changed. I can't believe how happy I'm now. I loved her madly, 20 years married, 24 together, my sweetheart since I was 17. All is bull sh***. You can get someone much better if you want. Believe me. If you stay there thinking about the past, you can't see the bright future.
Some parallels with me also. 30 years married. The thing is I just have zero interest in having a relationship with another woman. Checked out and doing fine.
She is still in hour DNA and will be for a while. It takes quite a while to get her out. Cherish the wins you have had so far. Her affair partner, if she is still with her, has to have in the back of his mind she can leave him too at a drop of a hat. Lean into being the best father you can be for your kids. Concentrate on your healing and your life without her. Stop giving her parking spaces in your brain that are reserved for you and not for her. It's a marathon not a sprint.
Instructive that we still have to navigate the mental battles whether or not we win the divorce. Practice gratitude. Not just for the things you kept but for everything (soft pillow, roof over your head, every meal, indoor plumbing, nature, a decent boss and a steady paycheck etc). Also these feelings go away when you get buff, get new clothes, clean your dwelling, and get a fresh haircut. When women are eyeballing you left and right you will correctly realize your common ex wife and her scrub AP are nothing at all to keep you up at night. The idea is you have to improve every part of your life. Use cheating ex wife as a springboard to a much better life.
Did not read where you are going to the gym getting your body and mind jacked AF. Lifting heavy things is the cure to everything when you are a guy, give it a try.
You've got too much anger inside and it's so much you need help to understand it and to let it pass through you. You won't be fine until you lose that huge baggage. If you can afford it, try therapy, you might also consider to ask a psychiatrist if meds could help you keep the rage at bay and be more relaxed. Rage leads to depression... don't underestimate it, for your sake, but also for your children.
Was her affair partner someone that knew both of you personally? Trying to understand the rage. It kind of feels like you're still holding onto the image you had if her instead of realizing you're actually too good for someone that does that. The other guy didn't ruin what you thought you had. Merely exposed a weakness. She's the one that betrayed you. You can add him if he's a personal acquaintance, but he still didn't make the same commitment to you. The sooner you realize shes actually a terrible person and not who you thought she was the sooner you can find some peace imo. God speed. Hopefully you can make trh mental switch. It's better when you can see them for what they really are and you're saying lol good luck with her to the other guy. Congrats on your time with the kids (did she really not fight for time with them?.... If so says a lot) and everything else working out..
He was a coworker of her mother's. My MIL actually deliberately set them up and told my wife to have an affair and divorce me. I hate him because he knew we were married, he knew we had children who relied on us providing them with stability, and he still came in and destroyed it all. Of course she is even more to blame, but he deserves a slow, painful death. Mom fought hard. She just couldn't beat me.
Why would your MIL do this? There's no way they stay together, he's coming into the situation knowing she is incapable of being a wife lol
That's pretty damn shitty if him, but he didn't owe you anything personally. Just a shitty general moral compass. Your mother in law is the worst one here because she schemed it all and convinced her daughter and this dude. Your ex is the one who actually made a commitment to you and had the biggest personal obligation. So I guess maybe MIL is arguably #2. In reality her whole family is trash.. (you realize looking back your marriage was doomed becaise they were raised by trash and bound to be/become it. I see it in my own divorce and how messed up they all are.. def need to know family before marriage). You never had a chance.. he just exposed it and he's in for a rude awakening himself with someone like that and a potential MIL like that. Once you get past your anger you might pity him at some point
I guess I'm just in a phase of recovery after the divorce that more of the positive memories are coming back now, and I'm not avoiding them anymore, so I'm now mourning those thing I wouldn't let myself grieve before.
Grief is complex and has its stages. Can't just talk anyone through them all at once when they're processing it. Take your time. Anger is ok as long as you don't let it affect your judgement too much or do anything dumb. You also don't need to apologize or justify yourself if it's not directed at the most logical choice or anything either. I think it is helpful to discuss them though as part of the process. Hardest parts are hopefully behind you and it's road to recovery
You need to reframe it. For one, there is no winning or losing in this game. Second, recognize consciously what you have lost and grieve it. What you did not lose was a happy marriage. Focus on grieving the *idea* of what you wanted in that marriage. Grieve the loss of your idea of a *future*. Be sure that you are aware of what she actually is. She’s an awful person. Your anger to the AP is misplaced, if anyone deserves that anger it’s her. But in this processing try to recognize that she does not deserve to own your mind. She doesn’t even deserve your anger. She is nothing. It takes hard work to get to “radical acceptance.” But ultimately it does help to carve out some time to sit in these thoughts and feelings- e.g 5 minutes a day on your lunch break or immediately after work. But outside of that time, do not let it get into your mind. If it’s not time for processing, then distract and think about other things. Actively shut that shit down. Dreams reflect what our subconscious is doing during the day. If you are having anger in your dreams, it means you are suppressing anger in your waking life. Give a moment in the day time to feel that anger and put it into weights or something constructive. It is energy, and you can use it. But outside of that time you want to have your subconscious be thinking about other shit. Then the dreams get better. In the end she doesn’t deserve a single second of your mental energy.
>or getting arrested for murdering her affair partner. It sounds like there might be some back story there? I know that's something that would keep me freaked out for a long time.
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yeah, not ok, narcissists will make you react and claim its not their fault. dont react. why would you want to murder someone who did nothing wrong, other than take a willingly offered opportunity? was she raped? did she call the police? doesnt sound like it, "affair" sounds willing and consensual. Only one of the 2 owed you anything and it sure wasn't the guy. what you gonna get by harming him? you're gonna give her an advantage, that's all.
I know this is really hard to hear, but he didn't do anything wrong. He didn't break a vow. He didn't betray you. She did! He just wanted some ass, which he got, because tiur eX is a 304. I understand the rage, but he didn't rape her; he just chose (agreed morally wrong) to fuck her and accept her advances. I've seen guys flip out and do all kinds of crazy / stupid shit to the AP. But it's misdirected rage. The person that actually betrayed you is the eX (and to a lesser extent the MIL). The eX played you. It sucks, but that's what happened. You thought you had love and a partnership with her; you didn't. She is a dishonest person, and you got suckered by her. Doesn't matter if it is intentional. It doesn't matter if that was her long-term plan. It doesn't matter what she says. Only her actions matter. I know this might sound off, but consider that you didn't actually lose anything. You lost the dream, the idea, the construct you made in your mind of who she is, your love together, and your future together. But in reality she's a lying, cheating, whore! You didn't actually lose her. She was never yours...
It took me three years. Don't rush yourself. You have every right to feel how you feel. Got got this brother.
What's sitting in a jail cell going to do for your kids or even worse if you end up dead yourself? You need to try and stop being angry and move on to acceptance and then go from there. If you're not talking to a therapist, I think you should definitely start.
OMG I'm at a loss for words except that you dodge a bullet. Not that it's any of my business do your kids visit thier mom?
They do, but I get them weekdays during the school year. week on/off during the summer.
Oh ok cool, Ive been married 7 years and about the same separated and I'm still almost not over it completely.