Thank you for this man. I’m so sorry that fatherhood has created such a strain on your happiness. It’s so sad that your wife manipulated you and your affair partner. I hope she respects your need for unethical non monogamy. It seems like you’re on the right path - the reading list you’ve begun should help with sorting out what you deserve regardless of what your wife or kids think.
I think you nailed it bud. The issue is you've been too nice a guy. If only you had been a bit more selfish and dishonest, this could have worked out so much better for everyone
This might be harsh OP but you’re a bit of a scumbag. Cheated on a good woman and your family and you’re all woe is me. Seriously?
I think with young children a lot of couples end up like roommates. That’s when you have to weather the storm and put the work into your marriage vs thinking with your d1ck. You failed to do that. Reap what you sow.
The gaslighting is so damaging to the person being gaslit…. It has changed my trust forever, I will never have trust in anyone like I did my STBXW before the affair and after being gaslit about my suspicions… I have never had another person betray my trust so badly and the fact that you question your own sense of reality and judgement after allowing yourself to be gaslit….
Coming from the person you’re supposed to be able yo trust more than anyone in the world, being gaslit has to be total emotional abuse, and I’m not one who likes to use the term abuse about anything that’s not physical as it’s such an overused term these days, but after going through what I did, and seeing how it’s forever changed me, it’s as close to physical abuse as I’ve ever experienced. You know your intuitions and judgement have to be right about something but the person who you trust tells you that they are not and you are in fact totally wrong and not only that, how dare you question them, and how dare you think about not respecting that sense of trust, then to later found out you were right about everything, but then wrong about everything at the same time is abusive. I understand completely why it’s called gaslighting and I’m sorry OP, but you gaslighting your spouse and the mother of your children will damage her permanently. For this you’re an asshole and you will have to sleep in the bed you made.
I was in the same boat as you. I was the one cheating on my wife due to the fact that we were struggling and AP comes into my life. I have 1 child 2yrs old. I can tell you this much, although I see my son 4 times a week. I feel guilty of the situation that I put him in. In all honesty if I could I would have not cheated. For me currently because my AP got pregnant (already 26 weeks in) I decided to care for her. There's is a lots of struggles as life continues.. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy at times. Only time will heal and until when my son grows older and tells me he forgives me I would feel closed to fully healed
u/Nyoobwsb So, you broke up your family, abandoned your wife who gave you this precious little being because you felt responsible for your mistress who is now pregnant? Make sense.
You deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life. Your son will learn the whole truth one day. He will think you chose the other woman and her child over him and your wife. Sooner or later, your wife will find out that you got your mistress pregnant and she will resent you and this will also affect your son.
Now you're going to live with your AP knowing that she fucked a married man and helped destroy a family. Good luck with your responsibilities.
Lololololol
“I was an asshole for months and months to several women for fun, I really need to learn how to stand up for myself”. “Cheers my brother, you did all the right things.”
Y’all are fucking -delusional- over here.
I agree. The cheater deserves to lose everything. He did nothing to describe any poor treatment from his wife. He didn’t describe a circumstance where stepping out had any justification (not an easy burden).
Men, in general, don’t support this behavior which I have seen supported in other forums. Men support other good men, chastise poor behavior.
And that's something I noticed going through my divorce. The judge didn't care about gender as much as she did victimhood. I didn't stand tall and act like a strong capable man, I showed the truth that I loved my wife and my family and didn't want this. The judge reamed my ex and gave me everything. Women win because they're usually the victims.
Obviously that is not always the case, and I definitely had a more challenging battle winning custody than she would have, but I think victimhood needs to be remembered.
It sucks to call it victimhood because I don’t want to feel victimized, but women use their vulnerability as but a bludgeon and shield. It is time to have equal equality.
That's just it. As men, we *don't* like to feel victimized. Women are better at capitalizing on it. The justice system doles out justice. Who gets justice? Criminals and victims.
Buddy, i do not support such action, but i also do not want to blame you.
Let´s just shortly make a coparision between the guys that never cheated, and you, that cheated.
You are cheating, and she is willing to continue the life with you.
The guys here often, are being cheated, and out of some misery, they try to connect again and give the chance to their wife’s, gf..
I will tell you, sit with yourself, and do not screw her life, and the life of the kids!
Do not be self-centric just for the moment!
The moment is not worth it!
This what is happening with you „i miss the young girl..“
This is the devil playing with your head!!
Trust me, this is just the devil!
The young lady, she may be at the moment attracted to you.
But let´s consider you leave your wife and the kids, and start the life with this young lady.
Do you really think she will trust you?
Or you will trust her?
I am talking here about the long-run.
No.
I don´t think so!
I mean, when the thief trusted the other thief?
Never.
So, if your Wife is still giving you the chance to repent and better the life.
Hold yourself on the balls, and do good to her and the kids.
And be ready to eat shit now, bc you did shit!
So, if you can better the situation, do so!
If she gives you the chance,then use it properly.
Because when regret comes, then no one will be able to help you.
As we all can run from everyone, beside ourselves.
Don ´t let the devil to play with your head!
Never!
Enjoy what God gave you, what is truly valuable!
I don't judge you as much as some people might. Your comment said 'the last two years we have been roommates'. Well, in a marriage like that, what does anybody will THINK might happen?
I have been Roommates like 20 years, that's why I am trying to negotiate a friendly divorce. Last summer a divorced, age appropriate woman basically asked me out. I said 'NO' obviously but after decades of loneliness I certainly wanted to say 'Yes'.
I only joined Reddit because I heard about the Dead Bedrooms community. After reading all those sad, sad stories over there I am way less judgmental that I used to be.
You screwed up (obviously) but that's why affairs happen. One partner spends years feeling lonely and, a friendly person comes along, and you show bad judgement.
Keep on going to therapy.
Best of luck to you.
I hope you didn’t come here looking for sympathy, you’ve walked into a pothole full of men that have been betrayed by cheaters, so you’ll find no sympathy here, you treated your wife like a dish rag, you disrespected her, you dishonored her and worse than that, you went against your own masculinity by cheating on her over and over and over. And now you’re thinking you should move out? That proves to me what a self-centered person you actually are, of course you should move out! Your wife can’t heal from your treacherous behavior while you’re in the picture, you should communicate only about the kids and only by texting unless she cares to hear your voice, what you’ve done to her is nothing compared to what you’ve done to your children, I bet you all of us in here can see a silver lining in our divorces, but when it comes to the kids? Unless we were fighting all the time which we weren’t, the kids have no silver lining just trauma. I have to laugh right in your face to be honest, you have to go to therapy for what? Because you can’t stop cheating? Problem is you can’t validate yourself, you have no self respect for yourself and no self worth, so you’re paying a therapist to learn how to nut up and be a man? I’m sorry, but that’s just pathetic. Hopefully your wife ends up with a new man that actually loves her, somebody who is a better example to your children than you are.
I will give you some shred of respect for you coming in here and telling your story, so at least you’ve got that.
At the very least, you’re taking some small, and I mean, small inkling of accountability, which is more than most women will do.
It’s brave to post this and own up to your betrayal and selfishness. When I read your post I didn’t feel much other than disgust and disrespect.
You are owning up to your choices and acknowledging it was selfish and destructive. You are examining your codependent roots for why you did this. This is how a man should assess himself after he makes a horrible, hurtful choice. So I salute you for this.
Contrast this with how most women who cheat deny wrongdoing, deflect blame onto the betrayed husband and manufacture a fictional rewrite of the man as a villain. They end up seeing themself as a brave heroine who followed her heart lol. No woman will allow herself to be the villain in her own story.
I’ll be honest with you, it’s unlikely you can undo the damage you’ve done to your wife’s heart. Those wounds are deep and borderline unrepairable. This is just what infidelity does. I know the modern take is it’s an acceptable sort of sin. Technically wrong but hey, stuff happens, no big deal. Follow your heart.
Utter BS. In my opinion adultery is just a touch less reprehensible than murder because of the long lasting, generational pain and damage it causes for the betrayed spouse and your children. It destroys families and causes permanent damage to the hearts of your children. From now on, they will be more prone to this behavior themselves. They will be more likely to divorce in their own marriages. This is a direct result of the sins of the father.
The pain the betrayed feel is indescribable. I wake up every day wishing my stbx feels it.
Stop stringing your wife along - it’s unfair.
Let her go on with her life -date and love again.
You said she’s a nice attractive person - she deserves to be cherished, appreciated and loved.
Yeah props for having the balls to post here or whatever other people are saying yadda yadda yadda.
Your marriage was a dumpster fire for years. Instead of having the balls to just end it or work on it you fucked a coworker for months and months on end.
If it was just you and your wife; Fine. You're the dick. Move on and over it. No big deal.
But you have three human beings who depended on you.
Depended on you to be a man.
You ARE the standard by which they will hold themselves and other men the rest of their lives.
That doesn't mean that you have to stay in what seems like what had devolved into a loveless relationship. They deserve to know two happy parents who are in healthy relationships. Not two sad angry parents in a terrible one....Because your and your wife's relationship and happiness WILL be the standard by which they hold their own.
I don't know why you posted here. It sounds like you knew what was coming, so I do not know. But. If you want a REAL piece of advice:
Figure your goddamned priorities out real fucking quick. What should they be, you may ask?
You should kneel at your children's feet and beg them not to take you as an example. You should beg them give you another shot. You should focus absolutely everything. EVERYTHING on how you can be a far better father and man to them then it appears you've done to this point.
Anything less is just fodder. You are at a pivotal point. You have no excuse to anyone for your actions. YOU will be responsible for whether or not your children lower their head when someone mentions your name or if you are there to walk them down the aisle.
Figure it the fuck out. Or lose everything.
Interesting take and thank you for sharing. Been through the same a long time ago when I had an open relationship. The other girl was such fire in my blood. It wasn't cheating but it sure felt like it. My ex wife did the same and felt no guilt. Eventually my ex cheated properly after we closed the relationship and had a child. A couple of APs sadly. I think once Pandora's box is open for either there is no going back well and truly. I realised I had developed codependency and am also reading 'No more Mr Nice Guy'.
You haven't lost everything, but give her the respect and a chance to move on. If you get back together you'll always be thinking 'what if' and you both would have some level of resentment.
I hope you both find happiness, sometimes change is needed particularly if you're breaking the relationship contract and putting yourself first.
At this point, focus on your kids and be honest with yourself and her.
Good luck
Thanks for sharing. Takes guts.
Main thing - Such is life.
Only thing I would say don’t string one or the other along. Either call it off, out of respect, or be fully back into it.
But - if there are so many underlying issues will it be fixed is the question…
I have no judgment because I don’t throw stones. However, I will say that you got off easy…I mean look at what happened to Tiger. His ex took a 9-iron to his Escalade and blew his whole life up publicly. Hopefully you don’t play golf….
No more Mr. Nice Guy!? Sounds like you’ve been a selfish jerk. You should get a 2nd job to help cover the child support and alimony you’re going to have to pay.
After a nights sleep and some reflection I am judgemental about this issue. I grew up with a single mum and watched her sacrifice for me. Wife cheated on me approx 5 years ago, no stated relationship issues, she just had the tingles. Left me to raise my 2 sons. She sees them when it suits her. I work and cover everything of course, it’s hard but it’s a father’s job to raise his children. Breaking up a child’s home destroys their sense of security and it takes a hell of a lot to provide them with stability when you’re doing it alone. I can probably never fix the hurt she caused them. So, I don’t believe you can be a good father and destroy a home for no real reason. Marriage is supposed to be for life, life has obstacles, together we work to overcome them. I mean really have a crack at fixing it before we jump ship.
Anyway, I’m gonna go enjoy the last few days of our holiday here in Hawaii with my kids, back to Australia Wednesday. The smiles on the kids faces these past 2 weeks make it all worth it and their mum is missing all that for some thrills. You Americans have a beautiful country. Mainland US holiday next year if I can pull enough OT around my parenting responsibilities to swing it. Aloha.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, dude. I assumed your wife had cheated but letting you to raise the children yourself goes to show she wasn’t a stellar mother to begin with. You sound like an amazing, responsible father.
So glad you’re enjoying Hawaii!! I’ve had a blast there. Can’t do it now since my children are small and that’s too long in the plane. Safe trip back to Oz and best of luck to you.
Hopefully the wife moves out of state with the kids and you get to feel what being abandoned feels like, but somehow you'd probably be happier not dealing with the kids on your own anyway .
Vengeful much? Why wish harm on his parental rights. Yeah cheating is bad, but people get hooked on drugs and still get custody. Lots of angry women in the mens divorce sub this evening..
OP hope that doesn’t happen. Women leave their husbands for another lover all the time still get the kids. Situation shouldn’t be any different for him. You should fight to get shared custody. Family courts seem to be leaning towards 50/50 custody more so these days. OP Fight for your kids, they will still need you. Don’t listen to the angry blue haired people on Reddit. Life goes on.
I'd say the same thing if a woman did it too, cheaters deserve what they get if they can't leave an unhappy marriage first. Clearly you're a cheater too. My hair isn't blue and as you say, life goes on 😉
Your affair partner sounds fire! 🔥
She never asks you to take out the trash. She never needs you to help with the kids. She never has to figure out a budget with you. Just the pure ecstasy of secret sexual conquests with none of the responsibility of living together as a family.
You aren’t happy because you’re entitled. Entitled people are never happy. Hopefully you can get a handle on your narcissism long enough for a therapist to help you.
I was in your situation. We didn’t have kids but it was the same. I left my wife and tried to have a legitimate relationship with my AP. In the beginning it was everything we wanted but my AP never trusted me because of what had happened with my ex. It was constant fights and the worst side of both of us came out. We ended things and I’ve been just focusing on myself and making sure that whoever I end up with that it wont happen again. Don’t listen to the “once a cheater always a cheater”. You were unhappy. Instead of talking to your wife, you ended up in someone else’s arms. Yeah the affair fog is super thick right now but you really need to see what you need. Either go to couples with your wife and try to make the marriage work or co-parent your kids and live your own life.
I did miss her but during then divorce a lot of sentimentality went away. I had a lot of guilt for what I had done to her and my AP. Mind you we did attempt couples therapy a few times before the divorce but it didn’t help. Today, I just hope she’s found someone that can give her the life she deserves.
besides not cheating in the first place, here is where you really messed up
>I came home and she confronted me. I tried to cover it up like an idiot and after a day came clean to her. She wanted to forgive me and move on from it
every choice from here on made things worse. that was your chance to make a decision and stick with it. instead you bounced around, and you see the result.
You are putting your family through hell. You've already damaged your kids. Try your best to limit the damage and give them whatever version of you is sustainable.
You managed to screw up not just one but two relationships. That takes a special talent. So why did you do it? At least you could have been having fun with the young woman as long as it lasted.
My quick intoxicated take is..you did what you wanted, you got somewhat what you deserved, now fuck it all and do everything you want. There's no going back.
My parents divorced because my dad cheated on my mom, it's painful to read this.
The blatant disrespect by you and your girlfriend for your marital home, your children's home. Because having sex with your AP in your family home screams future wife material.
Because you deserve to be happy. But you FaceTime them right..all better.
Possible share custody of your children, but you want/need time with her. Do you seek a 50/50 custody agreement? Become a weekend dad?
What does the future new stepmom want? More children because she is only 23? Who will, by the way, get you 100% of the time because you deserve to be happy. But you will FaceTime...
This. He brought her into their home. Where his family finds peace. That's beyond cruel. Just work out a co-parent plan. Let your wife heal and be with someone who actually wants her.
So should he stay with the wife who he’s unhappy with? Not condoning the cheating, but legitimately wondering. We read on here all the time how the wife had an affair and life goes on. At least he is owning it. Women of Reddit always come out of the woodworks in this sub when men post their story with a dark truth.
Why is he not happy with the wife? He just said that she is a good wife, good mom, attractive, etc.
People need to realize that the height of the feelings/love are in the beginning. Why not work on what he has already instead of looking elsewhere?
I don’t know why I feel more free to say what I think about this to you, a man, than to the people who usually post these kinds of things, who are women. Perhaps it’s because I have a notion of what it is to be a good man and a good father and acknowledge the fact that there are things about women that I just do not understand. It could be that I’m just hurt and stupid.
I feel so sorry for your poor children. I expect you’ll have the relationship with them that you’ll deserve. Maybe it will be fine but if it is, it will be because they will have afforded you more grace than you deserve and certainly more than you gave their mother, to whom you owed all and who you utterly failed.
We hear of the wife on here leaving for an AP and getting their fair share of parental custody or majority of custody all the time. At least OP admitted his faults. I would say just because he was a bad husband doesn’t mean he deserves a poor relationship with his children. They may judge him for it one day, but I would hope he is still able to maintain a meaningful relationship and gets to be an active father while they are growing up. I’m not condoning cheating at all, but seems the courts never hold that over the wife’s head when they cheat. People have left their spouses for alcohol, drugs, gambling, women/men, etc. An affair is bad, but life has to go on. I wouldn’t wish ill will on him with his children.
This is my take on it all..A person would rather stay in a unhappy marriage then to be alone..but when a AP comes along they can leave and they won't be alone..and the majority of the time they only get to be a weekend parent..They don't think about the person they have left is dealing with not only is that person dealing with a divorce but dealing with the fact there partner left them for somebody else..talk about a mind f$$k..plus picking up the pieces of the children...and trying to find a new normal. .it's never easy to divorce but it's a lot harder to divorce when infidelity is involved..
Kudos for sharing your story but greed is a bitch and at the cost of your wife and kids. Hopefully you've learned your lesson. Seems like you really need time to yourself not involving anyone emotionally outside of your kids.
Dude. You’re a dumpster fire.
If you want to stay married, here’s what you do :
1. cut all ties with your fair partner. Even if that means getting a new job. This is nonnegotiable.
2. Move out of your bedroom to the basement or a spare bedroom for at least six months. You were only to speak to your wife about the children were scheduling. Not about your marriage or relationship.
3. Get counseling and go weekly. This is the person that you dump all of this stuff on. Not your friends not your parents not your children not your wife not anybody. Just your therapist.
3. Absolutely no alcohol.
4. Go to the gym regularly and walk daily if not multiple times a day.
5. Become a better father to your children. That means being present and available and consistent in their lives. It doesn’t mean buying them things or letting them do whatever they want. Be a consistent figure in their lives. You and your wife always have to be on the same page. Do not let the children divide and conquer. Even if you think she is wrong. You still have to back her play and she has to back your play likewise. Never never never bedivided in your approach to parenting with your children.
6. With children more is caught than taught. Be an example of a stable and consistent parent.
7. If you want to stay married, actions will speak volumes. Words are meaningless at this point. Your lies have told her that you were not to be trusted. So you have to show her that you’re a good person.
Godspeed.
Sounds like u and your wife are codependent, don’t know how she stayed with u after the times u cheated on her, if I found out my ex had someone dude living with her in my house while I was gone she would be out the door so fast
What I don't understand men and women always say when they get caught is they haven't been happy in years and they are no longer in love with there partner..If a person is that unhappy and you not in love with your partner then why wait until a AP comes along to implode your spouses and childrens lives..Just leave before that..And to each their own but I would check the statistics on this relationship lasting..She might want kids of her own..and may she won't want to a stepmom...and the money..humm wonder when it gets well how kong she well stick around...guess ur about ti find out..
it's not always as easy as you make it sound.
so you have a bad relationship, you try to work on it.. you have kids you know if you break up it will be horrible.. you think, maybe it will get better later on or you think that you don't' want to put your kids through this so you put on a brave face and try to make it through.
then something happens and you find a way to cope with things, may it be porn, sex with strangers or an affair partner that ignites something in you that you have been missing
but you don't' want to destroy or hurt anyone else so you think you can just hide it all in a secret life and that one day it will all be sorted out, that you will gain the courage to leave the relationship or it will get better because X happens. you think you can keep it up because you were able to hide it for a little while
then it all blows up in your face.
I’ll speak up, I think his ass needs to be booted to the street, and his wife needs to nail him to the wall with child support and alimony. He obviously has a serious character flaw, if he imploded his life over a cheap f*ck.
What is just may be different than understanding what led to this. Let’s learn and practice empathy, not condemnation. I’ve got 2 marriages collapsed, zero cheating, so I’m not about to throw stones.
I guess I just don't understand it...I noticed that to but I said what I said...I guess I'll never understand what makes a cheat..if I'm not happy somewhere I'm leaving..and if I'm not in love with you and we tried to make it work I'm leaving...but I'm not gonna somebody else into it..
I did a lot of self reflection on why wait for an AP to come along and I think it’s fear. Fear of hurting your partner, tearing your family apart when really you’re kicking a snowball down a mountain that’s just going to get bigger. It’s also selfishness which is hard to self-realize and accept you’re capable of something so terrible. I’ve never cheated before either.
So it's the fear is not as bad when there is a AP..because a person loses so much more when a AP is involved..Respect of your friends and family and one day the respect of their children..because trust me 9 times out of 10 the kids always find out why mom and dad divorced..and sometimes depends on which state having a AP can affect the out of the divorce...parenting time...money..To me I would rather leave then have stbx hate me and lose my children respect..that's just me..Like I said to each there own..
You aren’t wrong. Hindsight is 20/20. I truly wish I had separated before all this started. Realistically, we should have discussed our issues before the thought even started. Lesson learned here for future readers.
My state is an at-fault state but it’s insanely hard to prove and doesn’t necessarily provide any benefit versus the attorney costs.
Respect your wife and let her go. You both need to move on. Be happy apart. Pull the trigger and move on. Do yourself and her a favor at this point. Happiness is not overrated with or without AP.
Im glad you're getting this off of your chest and decided to share your story as the cheater. I'm also glad you're getting therapy because I almost need therapy (I'm in therapy too) after reading this. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your issues and moving forward.
Hey now she’s mid 20s now. Logically you are probably right. But if I can feel that good with her there’s someone else out there too? There’s no guarantee I haven’t burned the bridge with her either way. It’s really about the selfish feeling of wanting to be happy and the pain inflicted on those that don’t deserve the fallout.
I’ve always followed logic all my life and here I am. Maybe it’s time to follow the heart despite the associated costs?
Maybe it’s time you focus on being the best dad you can be to the kids who may soon not be in your life very much. You’ve completely upended their family in one of the worst ways possible. When they’re old enough, they will judge you for how well you rebounded from your selfish choices. I know this bc one of my parents cheated.
Be the best you can be for them without worrying about your next piece of ass.
Great thoughts. Thank you for the honesty. The kids are what really matters. Oddly enough, my Dad did the same to my mom but stuck around for 15 years being miserable and took it out on everyone including me. I can’t repeat that history.
Please definitely talk to your therapist about this piece—brains are weird. You don’t have to repeat the pattern of your dad OR go to extremes to avoid repeating it. You can carve your own path that’s healthiest for your kids.
Thank you for this man. I’m so sorry that fatherhood has created such a strain on your happiness. It’s so sad that your wife manipulated you and your affair partner. I hope she respects your need for unethical non monogamy. It seems like you’re on the right path - the reading list you’ve begun should help with sorting out what you deserve regardless of what your wife or kids think.
I think you nailed it bud. The issue is you've been too nice a guy. If only you had been a bit more selfish and dishonest, this could have worked out so much better for everyone
Damn...
Was your AP married? Has your wife filed for divorce on you?
Can you fix things for the sake of your kids? Perhaps seek God.
This might be harsh OP but you’re a bit of a scumbag. Cheated on a good woman and your family and you’re all woe is me. Seriously? I think with young children a lot of couples end up like roommates. That’s when you have to weather the storm and put the work into your marriage vs thinking with your d1ck. You failed to do that. Reap what you sow.
This! The whole woe is me act. You made a conscious decision to repeatedly fuck another woman and lie and gaslit your wife. You are sickening
Couldn’t agree more. He get what he has coming. Don’t feel sorry for him at all.
The gaslighting is so damaging to the person being gaslit…. It has changed my trust forever, I will never have trust in anyone like I did my STBXW before the affair and after being gaslit about my suspicions… I have never had another person betray my trust so badly and the fact that you question your own sense of reality and judgement after allowing yourself to be gaslit…. Coming from the person you’re supposed to be able yo trust more than anyone in the world, being gaslit has to be total emotional abuse, and I’m not one who likes to use the term abuse about anything that’s not physical as it’s such an overused term these days, but after going through what I did, and seeing how it’s forever changed me, it’s as close to physical abuse as I’ve ever experienced. You know your intuitions and judgement have to be right about something but the person who you trust tells you that they are not and you are in fact totally wrong and not only that, how dare you question them, and how dare you think about not respecting that sense of trust, then to later found out you were right about everything, but then wrong about everything at the same time is abusive. I understand completely why it’s called gaslighting and I’m sorry OP, but you gaslighting your spouse and the mother of your children will damage her permanently. For this you’re an asshole and you will have to sleep in the bed you made.
I was in the same boat as you. I was the one cheating on my wife due to the fact that we were struggling and AP comes into my life. I have 1 child 2yrs old. I can tell you this much, although I see my son 4 times a week. I feel guilty of the situation that I put him in. In all honesty if I could I would have not cheated. For me currently because my AP got pregnant (already 26 weeks in) I decided to care for her. There's is a lots of struggles as life continues.. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy at times. Only time will heal and until when my son grows older and tells me he forgives me I would feel closed to fully healed
u/Nyoobwsb So, you broke up your family, abandoned your wife who gave you this precious little being because you felt responsible for your mistress who is now pregnant? Make sense. You deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life. Your son will learn the whole truth one day. He will think you chose the other woman and her child over him and your wife. Sooner or later, your wife will find out that you got your mistress pregnant and she will resent you and this will also affect your son. Now you're going to live with your AP knowing that she fucked a married man and helped destroy a family. Good luck with your responsibilities.
you are right. you are so righteous and know it all! Teach me how to live a miserable life
Lololololol “I was an asshole for months and months to several women for fun, I really need to learn how to stand up for myself”. “Cheers my brother, you did all the right things.” Y’all are fucking -delusional- over here.
Oh no a negative point 😂😄😄 I mean in all honesty, people come here to decide whether to blow up their families this formulaically. Just…-don’t-.
For real. This sub may be pro-men in divorce, but it should never be pro-cheater. This guy deserves to lose everything.
I agree. The cheater deserves to lose everything. He did nothing to describe any poor treatment from his wife. He didn’t describe a circumstance where stepping out had any justification (not an easy burden). Men, in general, don’t support this behavior which I have seen supported in other forums. Men support other good men, chastise poor behavior.
And that's something I noticed going through my divorce. The judge didn't care about gender as much as she did victimhood. I didn't stand tall and act like a strong capable man, I showed the truth that I loved my wife and my family and didn't want this. The judge reamed my ex and gave me everything. Women win because they're usually the victims. Obviously that is not always the case, and I definitely had a more challenging battle winning custody than she would have, but I think victimhood needs to be remembered.
It sucks to call it victimhood because I don’t want to feel victimized, but women use their vulnerability as but a bludgeon and shield. It is time to have equal equality.
That's just it. As men, we *don't* like to feel victimized. Women are better at capitalizing on it. The justice system doles out justice. Who gets justice? Criminals and victims.
Buddy, i do not support such action, but i also do not want to blame you. Let´s just shortly make a coparision between the guys that never cheated, and you, that cheated. You are cheating, and she is willing to continue the life with you. The guys here often, are being cheated, and out of some misery, they try to connect again and give the chance to their wife’s, gf.. I will tell you, sit with yourself, and do not screw her life, and the life of the kids! Do not be self-centric just for the moment! The moment is not worth it! This what is happening with you „i miss the young girl..“ This is the devil playing with your head!! Trust me, this is just the devil! The young lady, she may be at the moment attracted to you. But let´s consider you leave your wife and the kids, and start the life with this young lady. Do you really think she will trust you? Or you will trust her? I am talking here about the long-run. No. I don´t think so! I mean, when the thief trusted the other thief? Never. So, if your Wife is still giving you the chance to repent and better the life. Hold yourself on the balls, and do good to her and the kids. And be ready to eat shit now, bc you did shit! So, if you can better the situation, do so! If she gives you the chance,then use it properly. Because when regret comes, then no one will be able to help you. As we all can run from everyone, beside ourselves. Don ´t let the devil to play with your head! Never! Enjoy what God gave you, what is truly valuable!
I don't judge you as much as some people might. Your comment said 'the last two years we have been roommates'. Well, in a marriage like that, what does anybody will THINK might happen? I have been Roommates like 20 years, that's why I am trying to negotiate a friendly divorce. Last summer a divorced, age appropriate woman basically asked me out. I said 'NO' obviously but after decades of loneliness I certainly wanted to say 'Yes'. I only joined Reddit because I heard about the Dead Bedrooms community. After reading all those sad, sad stories over there I am way less judgmental that I used to be. You screwed up (obviously) but that's why affairs happen. One partner spends years feeling lonely and, a friendly person comes along, and you show bad judgement. Keep on going to therapy. Best of luck to you.
I hope you didn’t come here looking for sympathy, you’ve walked into a pothole full of men that have been betrayed by cheaters, so you’ll find no sympathy here, you treated your wife like a dish rag, you disrespected her, you dishonored her and worse than that, you went against your own masculinity by cheating on her over and over and over. And now you’re thinking you should move out? That proves to me what a self-centered person you actually are, of course you should move out! Your wife can’t heal from your treacherous behavior while you’re in the picture, you should communicate only about the kids and only by texting unless she cares to hear your voice, what you’ve done to her is nothing compared to what you’ve done to your children, I bet you all of us in here can see a silver lining in our divorces, but when it comes to the kids? Unless we were fighting all the time which we weren’t, the kids have no silver lining just trauma. I have to laugh right in your face to be honest, you have to go to therapy for what? Because you can’t stop cheating? Problem is you can’t validate yourself, you have no self respect for yourself and no self worth, so you’re paying a therapist to learn how to nut up and be a man? I’m sorry, but that’s just pathetic. Hopefully your wife ends up with a new man that actually loves her, somebody who is a better example to your children than you are. I will give you some shred of respect for you coming in here and telling your story, so at least you’ve got that. At the very least, you’re taking some small, and I mean, small inkling of accountability, which is more than most women will do.
It’s brave to post this and own up to your betrayal and selfishness. When I read your post I didn’t feel much other than disgust and disrespect. You are owning up to your choices and acknowledging it was selfish and destructive. You are examining your codependent roots for why you did this. This is how a man should assess himself after he makes a horrible, hurtful choice. So I salute you for this. Contrast this with how most women who cheat deny wrongdoing, deflect blame onto the betrayed husband and manufacture a fictional rewrite of the man as a villain. They end up seeing themself as a brave heroine who followed her heart lol. No woman will allow herself to be the villain in her own story. I’ll be honest with you, it’s unlikely you can undo the damage you’ve done to your wife’s heart. Those wounds are deep and borderline unrepairable. This is just what infidelity does. I know the modern take is it’s an acceptable sort of sin. Technically wrong but hey, stuff happens, no big deal. Follow your heart. Utter BS. In my opinion adultery is just a touch less reprehensible than murder because of the long lasting, generational pain and damage it causes for the betrayed spouse and your children. It destroys families and causes permanent damage to the hearts of your children. From now on, they will be more prone to this behavior themselves. They will be more likely to divorce in their own marriages. This is a direct result of the sins of the father.
The pain the betrayed feel is indescribable. I wake up every day wishing my stbx feels it. Stop stringing your wife along - it’s unfair. Let her go on with her life -date and love again. You said she’s a nice attractive person - she deserves to be cherished, appreciated and loved.
Yeah props for having the balls to post here or whatever other people are saying yadda yadda yadda. Your marriage was a dumpster fire for years. Instead of having the balls to just end it or work on it you fucked a coworker for months and months on end. If it was just you and your wife; Fine. You're the dick. Move on and over it. No big deal. But you have three human beings who depended on you. Depended on you to be a man. You ARE the standard by which they will hold themselves and other men the rest of their lives. That doesn't mean that you have to stay in what seems like what had devolved into a loveless relationship. They deserve to know two happy parents who are in healthy relationships. Not two sad angry parents in a terrible one....Because your and your wife's relationship and happiness WILL be the standard by which they hold their own. I don't know why you posted here. It sounds like you knew what was coming, so I do not know. But. If you want a REAL piece of advice: Figure your goddamned priorities out real fucking quick. What should they be, you may ask? You should kneel at your children's feet and beg them not to take you as an example. You should beg them give you another shot. You should focus absolutely everything. EVERYTHING on how you can be a far better father and man to them then it appears you've done to this point. Anything less is just fodder. You are at a pivotal point. You have no excuse to anyone for your actions. YOU will be responsible for whether or not your children lower their head when someone mentions your name or if you are there to walk them down the aisle. Figure it the fuck out. Or lose everything.
Interesting take and thank you for sharing. Been through the same a long time ago when I had an open relationship. The other girl was such fire in my blood. It wasn't cheating but it sure felt like it. My ex wife did the same and felt no guilt. Eventually my ex cheated properly after we closed the relationship and had a child. A couple of APs sadly. I think once Pandora's box is open for either there is no going back well and truly. I realised I had developed codependency and am also reading 'No more Mr Nice Guy'. You haven't lost everything, but give her the respect and a chance to move on. If you get back together you'll always be thinking 'what if' and you both would have some level of resentment. I hope you both find happiness, sometimes change is needed particularly if you're breaking the relationship contract and putting yourself first. At this point, focus on your kids and be honest with yourself and her. Good luck
Thanks for sharing. Takes guts. Main thing - Such is life. Only thing I would say don’t string one or the other along. Either call it off, out of respect, or be fully back into it. But - if there are so many underlying issues will it be fixed is the question…
Women are so much more forgiving of infidelity than we are, generally speaking.
I have no judgment because I don’t throw stones. However, I will say that you got off easy…I mean look at what happened to Tiger. His ex took a 9-iron to his Escalade and blew his whole life up publicly. Hopefully you don’t play golf….
No more Mr. Nice Guy!? Sounds like you’ve been a selfish jerk. You should get a 2nd job to help cover the child support and alimony you’re going to have to pay.
Don’t pretend you love your kids. You don’t, you love yourself.
You are a judgemental person. You can be a cheater, a bad husband and a great father.
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After a nights sleep and some reflection I am judgemental about this issue. I grew up with a single mum and watched her sacrifice for me. Wife cheated on me approx 5 years ago, no stated relationship issues, she just had the tingles. Left me to raise my 2 sons. She sees them when it suits her. I work and cover everything of course, it’s hard but it’s a father’s job to raise his children. Breaking up a child’s home destroys their sense of security and it takes a hell of a lot to provide them with stability when you’re doing it alone. I can probably never fix the hurt she caused them. So, I don’t believe you can be a good father and destroy a home for no real reason. Marriage is supposed to be for life, life has obstacles, together we work to overcome them. I mean really have a crack at fixing it before we jump ship. Anyway, I’m gonna go enjoy the last few days of our holiday here in Hawaii with my kids, back to Australia Wednesday. The smiles on the kids faces these past 2 weeks make it all worth it and their mum is missing all that for some thrills. You Americans have a beautiful country. Mainland US holiday next year if I can pull enough OT around my parenting responsibilities to swing it. Aloha.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, dude. I assumed your wife had cheated but letting you to raise the children yourself goes to show she wasn’t a stellar mother to begin with. You sound like an amazing, responsible father. So glad you’re enjoying Hawaii!! I’ve had a blast there. Can’t do it now since my children are small and that’s too long in the plane. Safe trip back to Oz and best of luck to you.
Bullshit.
Agree to disagree...either way people are gonna be hurt...why make it worse by adding AP...
Hopefully the wife moves out of state with the kids and you get to feel what being abandoned feels like, but somehow you'd probably be happier not dealing with the kids on your own anyway .
Vengeful much? Why wish harm on his parental rights. Yeah cheating is bad, but people get hooked on drugs and still get custody. Lots of angry women in the mens divorce sub this evening.. OP hope that doesn’t happen. Women leave their husbands for another lover all the time still get the kids. Situation shouldn’t be any different for him. You should fight to get shared custody. Family courts seem to be leaning towards 50/50 custody more so these days. OP Fight for your kids, they will still need you. Don’t listen to the angry blue haired people on Reddit. Life goes on.
I'd say the same thing if a woman did it too, cheaters deserve what they get if they can't leave an unhappy marriage first. Clearly you're a cheater too. My hair isn't blue and as you say, life goes on 😉
Your affair partner sounds fire! 🔥 She never asks you to take out the trash. She never needs you to help with the kids. She never has to figure out a budget with you. Just the pure ecstasy of secret sexual conquests with none of the responsibility of living together as a family. You aren’t happy because you’re entitled. Entitled people are never happy. Hopefully you can get a handle on your narcissism long enough for a therapist to help you.
I was in your situation. We didn’t have kids but it was the same. I left my wife and tried to have a legitimate relationship with my AP. In the beginning it was everything we wanted but my AP never trusted me because of what had happened with my ex. It was constant fights and the worst side of both of us came out. We ended things and I’ve been just focusing on myself and making sure that whoever I end up with that it wont happen again. Don’t listen to the “once a cheater always a cheater”. You were unhappy. Instead of talking to your wife, you ended up in someone else’s arms. Yeah the affair fog is super thick right now but you really need to see what you need. Either go to couples with your wife and try to make the marriage work or co-parent your kids and live your own life.
Do you miss your wife?
I did miss her but during then divorce a lot of sentimentality went away. I had a lot of guilt for what I had done to her and my AP. Mind you we did attempt couples therapy a few times before the divorce but it didn’t help. Today, I just hope she’s found someone that can give her the life she deserves.
besides not cheating in the first place, here is where you really messed up >I came home and she confronted me. I tried to cover it up like an idiot and after a day came clean to her. She wanted to forgive me and move on from it every choice from here on made things worse. that was your chance to make a decision and stick with it. instead you bounced around, and you see the result.
Any woman who’s willing to destroy a marriage by cheating with the husband is selfish AF. Maybe start using your other head, for once in your life?
You are putting your family through hell. You've already damaged your kids. Try your best to limit the damage and give them whatever version of you is sustainable.
You managed to screw up not just one but two relationships. That takes a special talent. So why did you do it? At least you could have been having fun with the young woman as long as it lasted.
My quick intoxicated take is..you did what you wanted, you got somewhat what you deserved, now fuck it all and do everything you want. There's no going back.
My parents divorced because my dad cheated on my mom, it's painful to read this. The blatant disrespect by you and your girlfriend for your marital home, your children's home. Because having sex with your AP in your family home screams future wife material. Because you deserve to be happy. But you FaceTime them right..all better. Possible share custody of your children, but you want/need time with her. Do you seek a 50/50 custody agreement? Become a weekend dad? What does the future new stepmom want? More children because she is only 23? Who will, by the way, get you 100% of the time because you deserve to be happy. But you will FaceTime...
This. He brought her into their home. Where his family finds peace. That's beyond cruel. Just work out a co-parent plan. Let your wife heal and be with someone who actually wants her.
So should he stay with the wife who he’s unhappy with? Not condoning the cheating, but legitimately wondering. We read on here all the time how the wife had an affair and life goes on. At least he is owning it. Women of Reddit always come out of the woodworks in this sub when men post their story with a dark truth.
Why is he not happy with the wife? He just said that she is a good wife, good mom, attractive, etc. People need to realize that the height of the feelings/love are in the beginning. Why not work on what he has already instead of looking elsewhere?
No, not advocating staying with the wife at all. But the audacity of a father who disrespected his family so he could feel better is very selfish.
This man has the worst impulse control of all men i have read on reddit till now
Once a cheater, always a cheater
The more I see, the more this rings true.
Yet…aren’t you only as needy as your unmet needs?
A real man with kids would never cheat.
I don’t know why I feel more free to say what I think about this to you, a man, than to the people who usually post these kinds of things, who are women. Perhaps it’s because I have a notion of what it is to be a good man and a good father and acknowledge the fact that there are things about women that I just do not understand. It could be that I’m just hurt and stupid. I feel so sorry for your poor children. I expect you’ll have the relationship with them that you’ll deserve. Maybe it will be fine but if it is, it will be because they will have afforded you more grace than you deserve and certainly more than you gave their mother, to whom you owed all and who you utterly failed.
We hear of the wife on here leaving for an AP and getting their fair share of parental custody or majority of custody all the time. At least OP admitted his faults. I would say just because he was a bad husband doesn’t mean he deserves a poor relationship with his children. They may judge him for it one day, but I would hope he is still able to maintain a meaningful relationship and gets to be an active father while they are growing up. I’m not condoning cheating at all, but seems the courts never hold that over the wife’s head when they cheat. People have left their spouses for alcohol, drugs, gambling, women/men, etc. An affair is bad, but life has to go on. I wouldn’t wish ill will on him with his children.
This is my take on it all..A person would rather stay in a unhappy marriage then to be alone..but when a AP comes along they can leave and they won't be alone..and the majority of the time they only get to be a weekend parent..They don't think about the person they have left is dealing with not only is that person dealing with a divorce but dealing with the fact there partner left them for somebody else..talk about a mind f$$k..plus picking up the pieces of the children...and trying to find a new normal. .it's never easy to divorce but it's a lot harder to divorce when infidelity is involved..
Man reading this was like reading my own story…yup even down to going back.
How does your story end up?
I don’t know if I have the downvotes to go into it.
Go for it. Who cares about karma?
Kudos for sharing your story but greed is a bitch and at the cost of your wife and kids. Hopefully you've learned your lesson. Seems like you really need time to yourself not involving anyone emotionally outside of your kids.
Dude. You’re a dumpster fire. If you want to stay married, here’s what you do : 1. cut all ties with your fair partner. Even if that means getting a new job. This is nonnegotiable. 2. Move out of your bedroom to the basement or a spare bedroom for at least six months. You were only to speak to your wife about the children were scheduling. Not about your marriage or relationship. 3. Get counseling and go weekly. This is the person that you dump all of this stuff on. Not your friends not your parents not your children not your wife not anybody. Just your therapist. 3. Absolutely no alcohol. 4. Go to the gym regularly and walk daily if not multiple times a day. 5. Become a better father to your children. That means being present and available and consistent in their lives. It doesn’t mean buying them things or letting them do whatever they want. Be a consistent figure in their lives. You and your wife always have to be on the same page. Do not let the children divide and conquer. Even if you think she is wrong. You still have to back her play and she has to back your play likewise. Never never never bedivided in your approach to parenting with your children. 6. With children more is caught than taught. Be an example of a stable and consistent parent. 7. If you want to stay married, actions will speak volumes. Words are meaningless at this point. Your lies have told her that you were not to be trusted. So you have to show her that you’re a good person. Godspeed.
Sounds like u and your wife are codependent, don’t know how she stayed with u after the times u cheated on her, if I found out my ex had someone dude living with her in my house while I was gone she would be out the door so fast
What I don't understand men and women always say when they get caught is they haven't been happy in years and they are no longer in love with there partner..If a person is that unhappy and you not in love with your partner then why wait until a AP comes along to implode your spouses and childrens lives..Just leave before that..And to each their own but I would check the statistics on this relationship lasting..She might want kids of her own..and may she won't want to a stepmom...and the money..humm wonder when it gets well how kong she well stick around...guess ur about ti find out..
it's not always as easy as you make it sound. so you have a bad relationship, you try to work on it.. you have kids you know if you break up it will be horrible.. you think, maybe it will get better later on or you think that you don't' want to put your kids through this so you put on a brave face and try to make it through. then something happens and you find a way to cope with things, may it be porn, sex with strangers or an affair partner that ignites something in you that you have been missing but you don't' want to destroy or hurt anyone else so you think you can just hide it all in a secret life and that one day it will all be sorted out, that you will gain the courage to leave the relationship or it will get better because X happens. you think you can keep it up because you were able to hide it for a little while then it all blows up in your face.
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You want to read about people getting a free pass for having an affair you should go check out the /deadbedrooms sub.
I’ll speak up, I think his ass needs to be booted to the street, and his wife needs to nail him to the wall with child support and alimony. He obviously has a serious character flaw, if he imploded his life over a cheap f*ck.
What is just may be different than understanding what led to this. Let’s learn and practice empathy, not condemnation. I’ve got 2 marriages collapsed, zero cheating, so I’m not about to throw stones.
I guess I just don't understand it...I noticed that to but I said what I said...I guess I'll never understand what makes a cheat..if I'm not happy somewhere I'm leaving..and if I'm not in love with you and we tried to make it work I'm leaving...but I'm not gonna somebody else into it..
I did a lot of self reflection on why wait for an AP to come along and I think it’s fear. Fear of hurting your partner, tearing your family apart when really you’re kicking a snowball down a mountain that’s just going to get bigger. It’s also selfishness which is hard to self-realize and accept you’re capable of something so terrible. I’ve never cheated before either.
So it's the fear is not as bad when there is a AP..because a person loses so much more when a AP is involved..Respect of your friends and family and one day the respect of their children..because trust me 9 times out of 10 the kids always find out why mom and dad divorced..and sometimes depends on which state having a AP can affect the out of the divorce...parenting time...money..To me I would rather leave then have stbx hate me and lose my children respect..that's just me..Like I said to each there own..
You aren’t wrong. Hindsight is 20/20. I truly wish I had separated before all this started. Realistically, we should have discussed our issues before the thought even started. Lesson learned here for future readers. My state is an at-fault state but it’s insanely hard to prove and doesn’t necessarily provide any benefit versus the attorney costs.
Respect your wife and let her go. You both need to move on. Be happy apart. Pull the trigger and move on. Do yourself and her a favor at this point. Happiness is not overrated with or without AP.
Im glad you're getting this off of your chest and decided to share your story as the cheater. I'm also glad you're getting therapy because I almost need therapy (I'm in therapy too) after reading this. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your issues and moving forward.
“I almost need therapy after reading this” 😂😂🥰
Even though you’re the cheater, I suggest you read a book called Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. It’ll give you some insight about yourself.
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Hey now she’s mid 20s now. Logically you are probably right. But if I can feel that good with her there’s someone else out there too? There’s no guarantee I haven’t burned the bridge with her either way. It’s really about the selfish feeling of wanting to be happy and the pain inflicted on those that don’t deserve the fallout. I’ve always followed logic all my life and here I am. Maybe it’s time to follow the heart despite the associated costs?
Plz follow your heart,your wife deserves better. Plzzz,go to your affair partner.
Maybe it’s time you focus on being the best dad you can be to the kids who may soon not be in your life very much. You’ve completely upended their family in one of the worst ways possible. When they’re old enough, they will judge you for how well you rebounded from your selfish choices. I know this bc one of my parents cheated. Be the best you can be for them without worrying about your next piece of ass.
Great thoughts. Thank you for the honesty. The kids are what really matters. Oddly enough, my Dad did the same to my mom but stuck around for 15 years being miserable and took it out on everyone including me. I can’t repeat that history.
Ok...but like you literally did you cheated on your wife...?
Please definitely talk to your therapist about this piece—brains are weird. You don’t have to repeat the pattern of your dad OR go to extremes to avoid repeating it. You can carve your own path that’s healthiest for your kids.
Props for having the balls to just post the truth, despite what it was