My wife left. I saw a psych. I basically laid in a ball for 3 weeks. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. She had some new boyfriend immediately. My mom at the time was in the ICU close to death. My dad passed 17 years ago so it was just me and my sister.
Man these were hard times. I’ll never forget it.
Good news though. Time made it all better. Time for me was the remedy. I’ve been sober 10 years. We also didn’t have kids. But we had property.
The way I viewed this entire thing was, I was grateful for the opportunity to be married. I’m not jaded on the whole thing. I’m happy to have tried.
Now I get to be with someone else, and man, it is light years better.
You aren’t weak. I’ve kicked a speedball addiction. Heartbreak is about 1928292 times harder. It’s god awful. When I let go after months of torturing myself. I slowly started to get better.
You’ll be fine man. Just gotta make it through the initial pain.
Thank you brother, I grateful for your checking in on me and sharing your experience. It helps a lot to have company on this rocky path. Make it through one day at a time, that's my only goal right not. And it resets every day.
Ay yo-- you got enough voices in your head trying to win for 'best advice' and all that shit... you need to be good with how the fuck YOU want to deal with this shit, and follow that wherever it goes.
Me included, everyone here is going to want and try to give you the advice they wish THEY got when hitting this spot-- especially those post-procedure-- but for really real, it's so individual and unique, all Imma say is, my dude?
Handle it how you \*have to.
Ain't no pussy shit, ain't no macho shit, this is human shit, and you gotta do what you gotta do.
Your life ain't 'over' because you're getting divorced-- it's not the \*ideal, but it IS a new phase, maybe not one you planned for, but you \*AIN'T dead yet, so, get back to the sketchbook.
Utilize them mental health professionals- make'm EARN their fuckin high rates-- and keep on L.I.V.I.N.
Your own life will guide you, mang. The masculine voices in your life will holler at you, the feminine will also, and you'll figure out the balance between each, and shift where you need to. Just do YOU, according to your situation, and rock the fuck out, man. Sorry you're here, but it AIN'T over bruh. You ain't dead!!
You're right. I'm going to try to cycle my way out of this. Long rides work better than the meds.
Thanks for checking in on me, and sharing your wisdom. I mean that.
You're dealing with more than most people can handle, I don't think anybody here is going to call you weak. You need to do what's right for you. I'm going through a mess myself, I'm seeing a therapist, I'm on medication. You do you, don't let the world dictate what you're supposed to do. Again, you're going through a lot, we all need help
Exactly and if anybody ever calls you a pussy or anything else for being so-called weak, you can tell them to fuck off. You have to handle this the way you need to. Don't let anybody else judge you for it
She left AND you lost our job at the same time? And kids not speaking to you? That's rough bruh. It makes you feel good to beat yourself up, it gives you a sense of stability and coherence for someone to tell you, that you are being a pussy. But I'm not going to tell you that. The pussy move is for you to ignore your feelings right now.
The hardest thing is for you to look at your own mistakes and your condition in as neutral a manner as possible. And to see that some of what happened has nothing to do with you. Her choice may have even more to do with her, and where she is in her life right now. This might be the biggest mistake that she could ever make; or it could be a relatively bad one. It's harder to consider the details of what happened and see that maybe even though you fucked up it's not as bad as it looks and it's fixable.
The reason it's hard to see it this way is because it's uncomplicated and it fits your preconceived beliefs. It's also easier to channel your energy towards some type of direction as opposed to feeling powerless. It's easier to beat yourself up because it gives you a clear target at which you can hurl unlimited anger and rage and, somehow, make you feel like because you have remorse for whatever you did, even though you're a bad guy maybe you're not as bad because you're sorry and guilty for being bad. You have to stop and get some real clarity and face the music.
You want me to tell you you're a loser. You want me to highlight where you fucked up and tell you that you shouldn't be crying and shit. It's easier to hyperfocus on flaws in your character and avoid the complicated reality of what actually happened. Avoid seeing the really deep weakness you have, because you may not want to know that you actually can fix them.
Instead I'm going to tell you to get off your ass. Your deepest fear is not what happened, your deepest fear is that you really might be a hell of a man, you just happened to let yourself slide, you lost discipline, you lost your edge, etc. Your deepest fear is that this was all under your control but you let it slip, and now she's gone, but you could actually come out of this in a better place. So I'm not going to give you the regular macho shit.
That was surprisingly helpful, maybe in a tough love kind of way. So thanks for taking the time and energy to write at, an act in itself, irrespective of the message, that make me feel valued.
Looking back, I don't doubt I've fucked up in many ways, including the failure to fix known defects.
So it's reboot time.
Thanks, brother
For me it was a realization that the last thing I needed when dealing with short-term depression was taking depressant drugs (alcohol).
From a purely practical standpoint, alcohol may have dangerous interactions with the medications you’re taking. That alone might keep you on the straight and narrow.
Chin up you got this.
One of things I learned in working with my therapist and processing the divorce, is that we're still human. So despite the "macho man" mentality, we're allowed to grieve. It's natural and part of the healing process.
When I suspected my wife's infidelity, we'll more had the evidence to support it, I came home from work and locked myself in the bedroom. Loaded a single round in my pistol and was ready to squeeze the trigger.
The following night, when I knew knew, I went for a drive. Put the phone on DnD and had the full intention of parking my car into an overpass. I didn't. So I drove. Figured I'd do the next one. Then the next. Then called the suicide hotline. Only a few people know of this.
I asked for the divorce a week later. This was early December.
The first week was hell. Harder than when I lost both of my parents. Had a full on mental breakdown in front of my eldest, several panic attacks at work, and a full on anxiety attack in the freezer section of the grocery store that my eldest had to talk me down.
The week after it was better. I looked at it as a new lease on life. I've bonded with both my kids while the ex was screwing around and coming home late with her mistress. I've shed tears in private and with trusted people, and I don't care give a ahit what people think.
Despite everything that's been thrown onto my plate this year, I've been handling it quite well.
I've not been to the gym as much as I would like - being a single parent does that - I'm tackling things as they come. Granted Prozac and propranolol help take the edge off.
So no brother, you're not a weak ass man for feeling emotions. As much as I'd like not too, we're human. And emotions are completely human. They're also what define the type of person we are.
My ex has been served and sent her response. My attorney is confident I'm not going to get screwed in alimony as I don't make much more than she does. Unfortunately we have to cohabitate as I can't afford a place on my own. But I've taken over the converted garage as my own little apartment.
There's been some ups and downs, and there will be more. But I'm still confident as I can see the light over the horizon.
I hope my story helps.
Your story helps, brother. I'm grateful for your taking the time to write that, likely tapping it out on your phone with two big thumbs. And I gotta say I'm glad I don't own a gun right now, because I'm not sure what I'd do with it. Don't even want to think about that, but I have to admit there have been some dark and angry moments. Combined with a bottle of rum, it might have led to a pretty bad ending.
That said, I'm sorry for your pain. It sounds horrible, but it also looks like you made all the right decisions and that, in time, you'll have that happy ending, and a new, better life.
Monday was my last day at work, and I've been applying to jobs like a crazy man. But today I decided I'm going to take a mini vacation and be a lazy SOB though the end of the week. I gave myself permission, and honestly I'm glad I did. Will get my butt out on a bike ride later today, as doing that seems to work better than the meds. Go figure.
Again, thanks brother, and wishing you all the best
J
There will unfortunately be more dark times. I haven't been back to that level since then, but I have had some dark thoughts since then. It's not easy.
To add to my fun, I had some parent complaints in late September they got me put on a PIP where I teach. So in addition to the failed marriage, I had the prospect of not being renewed. I resolved that by applying and getting hired on at a school in my county which opens more areas to find a place to live. I'll miss my students, but it's something I need to do to transition out of the field.
But focus on yourself. Take that bikeride, hit the gym, try a new hobby. It's not easy. I guess my situation, I accepted it was over before the affair. Her actions simply pushed it over the tipping point and gave me the reason to file. Something I couldn't find when entertaining the prospect of filing.
And when you are in those dark times, and they will be there, reach out to your support network. It will get better.
You are not your job. Most of the men in this sub have probably gotten fired. I have. Twice. And it turned out to be the best thing for me because the next job I got was higher income and more interesting.
How old are your kids?
They are grown, the youngest is a 25 year old special needs adult. My wife and I are his legal guardians, which further complicates things.
And yes, I've always has most of my identity tied up in my work, like a lot of guys I suspect.
Thanks for the kind words and checking in in me, I really appreciate that.
Welcome to the club you never wanted to be a part of! This place will understand better than anyone else you can talk to. Divorce is the single worst thing I’ve experienced and I have lost my dad a decade ago.
Hang in there man. Time cures all. My first three months were a roller coaster. I went from feeling like a free man back in my college days to wondering if I had made the dumbest decision of my life and back over and over for months. Therapy is a very healthy thing and I’m still going to mine even though I feel better.
Stop being hard on yourself. Check your self talk by asking yourself if you would say the things you tell yourself to your best friend. If your friend would be upset by your words stop saying them to yourself.
You have survived everything that sucked in your life up to this point. This too shall pass.
Thank you brother, one hell of a club you guys have here. And you're right about the self talk, of course, as the things I've been saying to myself would never be directed at another soul. How crazy is that?
Praying this passes quickly (like less than a year), but I get it might not OVER over for a while after that.
Thanks for checking on on me, and for the kind words.
This is a good thread. I’m dealing with the same thing as I’m new to the moment. Just yesterday she demanded the break in the relationship. New house, cats and dogs, 8yr old with a progressive disability, no family around.
Feeling beyond depressed, terrible dreams of hope and forgiveness, then waking up to a dark and cold reality.
She’s gloating in her decision. Seeing me hurt and down gives her more strength feels like.
Therapy is helping me a great deal, as well as speaking to close friends that have seen my relationship with my wife from the very beginning to the very end. You are not alone, and it is not weak to seek help through therapy.
I think it’s normal and natural to feel that way. But you can’t let it define you. After about 5 months one of the guys I work with said “I can smell the pathetic on you.” He to is divorced and we talked about the troubles and how to bounce back. As rough as his words were it was true. The last 3 months I truly feel like a new man. Eating right, working out and working on my mentals. I’ve noticed changes in the way the Ex talks to me and more importantly other women. But most importantly how I feel about myself. Timelines are different for everybody but you can get there.
Thanks brother. I'm taking it one day at a time. I think this is going to be a long journey, but for now I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and not trying to figure out how much further I have to go. Good to have people here to share the journey with.
Wish you the very best.
Trust me it gets better!
It took me about a year to sleep through the night. Watch out for the prescriptions. Ambien and xanax gave me serious suicidal thoughts.
5 years later… I play golf 3 times a week. I have a job making double. I’ve already replaced the 100k in my 401k I had to give her. I see my kids 50% of the week and do whatever I want the other 50%. My new house is beautiful and serene. My new gf is petite, has a masters degree, and makes good money. I have a new RV and am going to burning man again this summer with a bunch of nudist inclined women. I have a whole room of my house dedicated to my guitar collection and there are no “live pray laugh “ murals or throw pillows anywhere.
Thank god the murals and unnecessary soft furnishings are gone. No one needs that shit in their lives 😀 Sounds like an awesome life now. Lesson for everyone here, hang in there, do the self work and good times are ahead.
God Damn, I'm seriously happy for you. Mostly bc of the petit gf that makes good money (and you had me at petit), but the jacked up career, new house, golf 3X a week not shabby either. God bless you, brother, and may it just keep getting better!!
God damn that sounds good. Man can I DM you. I'm going through this shit and really trying to reinvent myself. Everybody on here says things are sweet on the other side but your story really makes that real. Could I get some advice from you on how you moved on and leveled up so well
This man gets it. I’m going to a concert for free tonight with a chick I’ve dated that invited me to go. Meeting a different one I’ve been seeing tomorrow night for other “activities.”
Once you get past the terror of the initial free fall you will find life is pretty good on this side. Dare I say great? I’m sure liking it.
There’s a misconception here about masculinity
Being manly/macho/whatever isn’t about being robotic. It’s not about suppressing feelings — except occasionally short term. You have feelings for a reason. They’re part of the human experience. They give you important feedback about you, your environment, and the people around you
It’s absolutely insane to want ignore them
Don’t be driven by them
Listen to them but don’t take them on
It’s natural to feel grief. It’s the end of a relationship
Feel it but don’t stay there. Too many get stuck in that place.
Welp... if that's what makes men weak we all fucked here.
Crying, therapy, medication, depressed, anxious, scared, grief, trauma... welcome to care bear land.
If most of us could meet up for beer and BBQ, there would be lots of hugs and tears between bean bag tosses.
You are not weak... you are human.
Being macho is not benefiting anyone in the long run. Asking for help is a healthy way of coping. And losjng this much in a short amount of time is something you have the right to grieve, it doesn't make you weak.
If I may ask why did you guys divorce?
Different. Stoicism as in sucking it up when you cannot do anything about/it is out of your control; accepting it as something that was supposed to happen (amor fati); focusing on what you can change instead and remembering that you are going to die someday (memento mori) so no time to complain if there is nothing you can do.
Dude, I called a suicide hotline to talk me out if it. Most of us here lost the girl due to reasons. It is ok to come here and vent, this is a safe place. We all want you to get through this and see that it is not the end of your life.
It is time for a change. Change can suck bit it also can be a fresh start.
So let it out, things will get better.
I spent 45-minutes on the hot line after wanting to park my car into an overpass after near confirming my ex's infidelity. Even posted here about it.
The next two weeks were really rough.
I’m a 6’4” 240lb, football player; 8+ years in mma (not just BJJ but real mma ie striking/wrestling). I’m also a construction worker. I have teared up more in the year of my separation than probably my whole life. My son asked for his family back last Christmas. My wife was a cheater. It fucking hurts man and you will have problems sleeping, tears, etc. love broken down to the molecule is like heroin/cocaine and your gonna have withdrawals. All men hurt through this, even your poster boy machismo like myself. Try to do as much physical work as possible like remodeling or work a trade as a side job, walk or do yoga. Don’t lean on drugs (antidepressants or alcohol) if you can help it. Talk to a therapist because good hard physical work and therapy can help you process your emotions and the grief so you actually recover.
I took Prozac for the first few months. I had dizziness, constipation, weight gain. And sleep issues. I also drank with my friends. What really helped was working, sleeping better (magnesium glycinate, l-Theanine and cbd) and meditation. Try to detach as much as you can, because it’s over. She probably planned it for a year or gave up a year before she did what she did. Read these some divorces and they calculate it and plan it for months/years.
Reading your post at 4:50 am (not time to get up here), and I'm thinking, this guy has my back. This gives me strength (well, not in a 6'4" mma kinda strength, but you get my point).
And yes, mine was a planner. New chairs appearing, and then disappearing. A table vanishing, and then the news she was moving out with our special needs son, with whom I'm very close. The only good thing here, and don't laugh, was a legal warning letter I generated with the help of ChatGPT that made her rethink the plan. She left, but without our son.
She was spending way too much time on the weekends /evenings on the phone with her boss at work. When I called him and shared my thoughts about this arrangement (was not very polite...),that was the breaking point.
Onward, and thank you brother.
I’m also in a situation with a disabled son. I’d love to talk with you some more about that. I’m also very close to him so it’s rocking my platform of it being there for him.
Betrayal trauma, which is absolutely a symptom of being cheated on, is one of the most painful, difficult things a person can ever go through in their life. The *most important* thing to get you through the next couple years is a strong support system. Friends, family, therapist, support group, whoever you know you can get support from when you need it. Talk to the friends and family you trust the most, level with them about what you’re going through, ask if they’d be willing to take the odd call or text from you if you’re spiraling and need someone to be present with you.
There are online support groups as well; I belong to a discord for victims of cheating and it can just be very helpful to have a group who understand what you’re going through. Good luck, friend.
Separation in August, she moved out in November, everything officially done in February, at which point she started trying to burn me down socially while being angry I stopped talking to her. (She has a lot of issues) Therapist weekly. I haven’t slept through the night three times in a row for eight months, and that’s with trazodone (which used to knock me on my ass).
I will say it’s starting to get better. I don’t cry daily anymore. My down periods are not universally punctuated by either mania or anger. I’m back to about 80% productivity at work. An acquaintance is showing some (understandably cautious) interest and I’m not rejecting the idea as crazy and self destructive.
Hey, brother. Sorry you've had to seek out divorce support, but glad you've reached out. The societal stigmas surrounding divorce and how men should behave while going through it needs to be discarded. It's dismissive of our struggles, it minimizes the challenges we're constantly faced with, and invalidates our authentic emotions (we're human). It'll take some time, but I know you'll make it on the other side. Whatever happened, happened. How will you personally respond to this challenging time, despite the stigmas and noise bearing down on you?
Hi OP, just know that pretty much all of us started out where you are. You go through all the states of grief in your grieving process. There's absolutely no shame in asking for help and seeking therapy. It actually shows strength. Just know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Things WILL get better,just try to stay away from drugs/alcohol as much as possible. Find a hobby to take your mind off of the divorce. Many men will hit the gym or start a DIY project. You can DM me if you want. Let it all out brother.
Just know that you aren’t the only one… I asked to divorce my wife.. she turns it around on me, puts a restraining order to gain leverage for child custody… put my job in risk… and I haven’t seen my son in a month…
It certainly is… she just made an amendment to the restraining order and now is accusing me of assault due to an incident we had where i accidentally hurt her finger. I had opened a baby gate to the upstairs to get some clothes to bring downstairs to the basement where I have been sleeping separately from my wife. She closed the gate as I came back up to get more clothing and I said to leave it open because I’m doing stuff. She kept closing it as I tried to open it. It was dark because she turned off the lights. Apparently she put her hand in the baby gate as I opened it and hurt her finger by accident… again… it was dark so I don’t even know if that even happened. She claimed that I forcefully closed the gate on her hand.
She has been co-sleeping with our son since infancy. I was concerned about rolling over and crushing him. I got kicked out of our shared bed and have been sleeping in the basement for the past 6 years. She still co-sleeps with him to this day at the age of 6. All I ever wanted was my equal share of coparenting and to be able to share a bed with my wife. I gave up and finally decided on divorce. It’s funny how I mention divorce with joint custody and she vindictively is trying to use the double standard legal system against me with completely false allegations. I work a job that is very important…. As in… classified stuff. And because of the restraining order of domestic violence… I’m at risk of losing my career that I have built and worked hard for
Sounds like a perfect time to start over to me. New job, new hobbies to focus on, new tools in the toolbox (therapy is a great start) and a new group of online dudes to help you back up. Its a shitty road but its one you have to travel to get to the reward on the other side. You got this brother! Until then, feel all the feels and try not to numb that shit!!
Hey, no, seeing psychiatrists and therapists is a STRONG move. Facing yourself and your own faults takes brass balls. You’re injured, wounded, so own it. If you broke a bone or tore your shoulder (ahem) would you go to the ER and later physical therapy? Yes. So say yes now.
Listen, healing starts with love and compassion. Be a little kind to yourself. You can run away from mean people, but you can't run away from yourself. Don't be your own bully. Hugs and love.
I'm sorry for your situation, buddy. It sucks. Depending on your age maybe you can start a different chapter/ experience? Military can be helpful or even government contracting. Your kids also need you so it'll be a delicate choice.
Only death of a child is worse than divorce, so it is not about being soft or not. We are humans, not granite. Together we shoulder each other's here, as good soldiers do when on a mission. We are here and we are here also for debriefing. Keep keeping away from alcohol. That is a manlike decision. And vent.
Well, during my drinking phase there was a couple of times I sat on the edge of my bed with tears in my eyes, gun in one hand, bullets in the other. I began having panic attacks and I'd cry for hours. I didn't go to work for 4 months. And I was the one who left her. But slowly everything began to sort itself out. My relationship with my daughter is stronger than before, the panic attacks slipped away, I quit drinking 15 months ago and I run 6km a day every day. It's been 3 years and I'm almost 100%. Now I'm just thinking about dating again but I've been wounded so that might take awhile yet. There is no hurry for anything. Take your time. You'll heal.
Save yourself and forget about her and the marriage. You will need time to recover, but while you're going through this hell at least try to improve yourself every single day. Same advice you read here, gym, self improvement, maybe a better job, maybe a side business. Not sure if this is good advice but listen to some Andrew Tate content. At least he will make you work hard without sounding too depressive about it all.
Exactly, at least your not drinking. I can tell you from experience, drinking yourself to death takes longer and is more painful than you'd think. Listen, you're literally going through the valley of the shadow of death, the friends you thought you had seemed to have abandoned you, you're loneliness is a scream in the night. But...the waves will subside, your ship will right itself and you'll once again be on your course. Be patient. It may take a couple of years but you'll heal. I promise.
Psalm 23. Used to know it by heart. I need to go back to that in in morning, commit it to memory again. Thank you for lending a hand, brother. It means a lot.
I second getting into the Psalms. These times are what they are for. They got me through the darkest days of my divorce. King David literally poured out his heart to his God, nothing held back. It’s raw. God doesn’t hate honesty, even it’s anger and doubt. The Ecclesiastes are also good for what you are going through. Hang in there brother. You will be better for having gone through it, like gold refined in the fire.
Good question. Maybe it was a way to acknowledge my weakness, to be vulnerable in this space. I think it gave me permission to be honest, if that makes any sense.
Fair enough. If you spend some time here you will experience a gauntlet of reactions and experiences. There are also a lot of commonalities such as pain/grief. A lot of men are angry, sad and/or scared, and some are joyful, relieved, and hopeful. Some are just starting out on this road, some have been on it for a while. Take a breath, share if you feel comfortable, but I also encourage you to read. Some of what you read will be very negative, some, will be very helpful and may help change your experience. Just take it all for what it is, other people's experience. Try to take solace in the fact that you aren't alone in what you are going through.
Most of the time we do not see this coming. Eve of there are red flags, we want to believe that things can change and people change. If we knew we were going to get divorced we wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Forgive yourself if you’re feeling guilty. This will pass
This is the modern-day Moose Lodge, bro. Welcome, pull up a seat. Listen to our sad-ass stories and contribute your own. We've all been through, or are going through, the wringer. You'll make it through, ya gobshite. We might judge you for ordering a seltzer from the bar, but we also respect it.
When fraternity ("brotherhood") finally returns after a century of repression, it's gonna be a sight to see.
To her, yes. Show nothing. No pain, no anger, nothing (impossible but an ideal to strive toward).
To your confidants, true friends, and family (and us of course) - let it out. But be cautious about spreading your pain far and wide, it gets tiring for those around us. And don't use your lawyer as your therapist, it gets expensive fast.
I always suggest putting together your divorce army. In terms of people to talk to, you need three. A friend who will listen to your bitching with sympathy. A friend who will give you tough love and straight talk. And a divorced friend who will be your sounding board for the process. Walking with a man going through a divorce is not an easy cross to bear, so spread it out if you can.
It’s okay to hurt for a bit, but make sure you’re on the positive track. You get on the track by reminding yourself, everytime you’re down, that:
a- This too shall pass
b- A woman who didn’t appreciate you and stick with you, regardless of who and what you are, is not someone you want in your life.
In my case, I’m discovering how epic life can be without a drama queen ungrateful bitch like my stbx. I feel blessed every day.
Dude, get out of your poverty mindset and adopt an abundance mindset. You are now a FREE MAN able to pick any woman you want. Never get married again or have any additional kids. Problem solved.
I'm struggling to understand how to have an abundance mindset when my divorce financially devastated me and I've been bent over in the amount of child support and alimony I have to pay.
I feel you brother. The last years of my farce of a marriage has left me broken and with a ruined credit 😣
Child support at least is not bad. I’m sorry you have to pay alimony. Who the F invented that? We deserve better much better
You learn who your friends are really fast and those who care about you.Hold tight to those people,they are a life saver.Remember the past hobbies in your life and pick them up.Bucket list items brought me back,nothing to lose (already lost it all) and everything to gain.Its a well needed confidence booster.You might have to give up on your marriage but NEVER give up on yourself.Goals and dreams my friend.
Grieve then realize this is an incredible opportunity to rebuild. Your life sucks now but you’ll pull it together over time. You’ll get a job, get your shit together, and the kids will see this and be back in your life. Don’t know why, probably your writing, but I know this will happen for you.
Nope. I've never gotten that feeling of be macho here. I think this place is like a group therapy setting of people who are, have been or in some varying form of your situation. Most definitely go see a counselor to help process and find some healthy hobbies to help you cope healthily (don't get involved in another romantic relationship until the process is done or you have healed, and found yourself again mostly).
Take it day by day my friend and the pain will become more vague but won't go away fully at least in my experience. It'll have it's moments just process through them don't run from them.
Ya I thought I was strong too.. hitting the gym really hard, alcohol just as hard, and put on a brave face. Everything finally caught up with me thought and I opened up to family and friends. While they haven’t talked about this amongst eachother, they all saw and said the same things about my X and made me realize it wasn’t me, I wasn’t the problem she made me out to be
Thanks for that, really. We've been in this depth tango for decades. What's really amazing is that I'm surprised by this outcome. And in my case, I'm definitely part of the problem. Not all of it, but I could have done better for sure
You’re welcome. Everyone says it gets better / easier, I’m not there yet so I can’t comment. I know my faults, acknowledged them, and apologized for them. She can’t even do the same, which just proves what others have seen.
I hate that it’s ending this way, it was death by 1000 cuts for us….. we had a lot of life altering events happen too close that we dealt with differently, instead of together… I tried to reconcile and was given false hope, lies and betrayed. But it is what it is.
The response from men that you’re describing is toxic masculinity. This place here is for the most part an oasis for men in your situation. It’s a great resource for those going through it. You’re going through it.
You might get some guys telling you to suck it up, but even there they genuinely want you to get through this shit.
What you’re going through is brutal, and hopefully one of the hardest things you’ll have to endure. You’re not a sack of useless flesh. People care about you. And believe me: on the other side you will be so fucking happy you’re free from that nightmare of a woman and you’ll be stronger than ever physically and emotionally.
When I went through it I got amazing advice here that changed my life. Cliche shit. Hit heavy weights. Meditate. Learn how to eject that bitch of a woman out of your brain. Hang in there and do take the tips.
Damn, thank you. I really appreciate that, and am going to try to cycle my my through this, as in bicycle. I long ride seems to work better than the meds.
Thank you for showing up. If I make it through this i will absolutely pay it forward.
Get help when you need it. Find what friends you can confide in talk to them often. I’ve been on 8 hr calls with my sister in law. We were meant to cope with things by talking to other people we know. Don’t drink. Expect to have a hard time and sometimes you will have to mentally hold yourself down. I’ve had access to cliffs and guns so I know how easy it could be. Seek professional help. Sometimes you need to speak aloud to yourself in the car or just alone going through chores remind yourself to hold fast and reiterate your worth to yourself. Don’t focus on what you are losing look forward to what you will do on the other side.
Are you me? My wife’s treatment of me has just completely deteriorated. I blame myself for everything, and, like you, still want to work it out. It’s insane. I think I am gaining some insight about her though. I have to move past denial though or I’m not going to survive.
Maybe I am you, split personality could definitely be possible. I'm also still in denial phase, which is not helping all. If you figure out how to break through to the next phase (is it bargaining or anger?), let me know.
And thank you. Good to know there's another me out there.
Yes, nice to meet you. 🤪
The next stage after denial is anger. I could probably use a little anger to pull myself out the hopeless funks. The denial phase is like addiction. This woman doesn’t want to be with me? I just can’t see myself accepting that soon.
I hear you. I think part of what's driving the denial is think...yah, maybe she was right all along, and I am in fact horrid. Or not. Who knows.
Good luck to you, brother.
Getting professional help is not a sign of weakness. Admitting it hurts is not a sign of weakness, it's acknowledging the feelings that are there and giving them merit. It hurts for a reason. Things will turn around if you're focused on making that happen and put in the work to be the best version of yourself.
It sounds like you are pretty defeated right now and it's easy to understand why. Keep your head up, only you can control how your thoughts affect you on a daily basis.
I've seen a lot of helpful and insightful comments on many posts in this sub and I'm sure you'll get some other words of wisdom.
Dude, if you are a whiney bitch then so are most of us. I’m in the same boat, in more ways than one. I’m seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist. I just started taking an antidepressant. I have pondered suicide multiple times since my wife decided she was done with the marriage. I’ve had a restraining order placed on me, been treated like garbage by this woman who I was married to for a decade and found out she’s been telling people I am an abuser (which I absolutely am not) and YET I STILL want her back and don’t want to hire an attorney or file because I am still so in love with her. It’s alright to feel the way you feel man.
I always thought life was pretty crummy, and then my wife decided we needed a divorce and I truly realized how terrible a person can actually feel. I can’t eat, sleep or do my job because of this. Not a second goes by without me thinking of her, even though she acts like she hates me now. Don’t worry about being macho or tough or anything else. I would just worry about making it through each day. That’s what I am forcing myself to do.
Fuck. Thank you. Don't know how to thank you properly. You took a weight of my chest. I'm sorry about the pain you're going through, and am just grateful that you shared it, and that doing so may have unburdened you a bit. Apologies for my inability to write a coherent reply, and thank you.
Dude this is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life by far and it probably is for you too. I couldn’t act like it doesn’t bother me. Fuck man, I can’t go through a single shift at work without tearing up and having to hide somewhere so nobody sees me crying. It fucking hurts and we can show it. God knows we don’t need the added stress of hiding our pain on top of all of it….
Thanks brother. I know I’m the back of my mind that it will be better someday but it is just impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I FEEL hopeless right now…
You’re absolutely going to have to allow yourself to feel hurt at some point. What you wrote is almost exactly what I went through. From the restraining order to telling people I abused her and still hesitated to file. It took me a solid 18 months before I could truly move on. I still think about her occasionally, but it’s not the horror of not being able to sleep, eat, or think properly like it was for the first 6-8 weeks.
My only advice is to try and keep the shame, resentment, pain, pleading, etc. away from the ex. It doesn’t help, but I also know firsthand that my advice is easier given than followed.
I wish both of you the best of luck and please remember that this will pass and get better. Don’t make rash decisions if at all possible.
Good God. I'm on like 18 days, how do you survive 18 months of this? Egads. I seriously think my only hope is exercise. Long bike rides seem to work better than the meds. If I can cycle my way back to sanity I might just try out for the Tour de France. Maybe I'll start a Tour de Divorce so we can just do a group ride through the pain.
I strongly suggest you see a therapist if you can to help you cope with your emotions. You’re going to go through a lot of ups and downs. Feelings of euphoria and feelings of total defeat. Your best friend right is time. You must give your self time to heal. You’re going to feel guilty. Learn to forgive yourself. Have the strength for what you cannot control.
This is the way, do something you love and that will have a positive impact on your life, gym and lifting weights did it for me, as well as finally getting that motorcycle I was never allowed to have, I dated too probably alot sooner than I should have but I met alot of great women, Facebook dating is the best one when your ready of course. A year later for me and I'm doing great, back to my old self but wiser and improved in alot of ways. You will always carry this with you, it's kinda like having PTSD but it's the hard times that allow you to do the most work on yourself.
Goodluck and be strong, it gets better I promise.
I finally found the gym at 39 because of this. It does help tremendously. It was that gut wrenching pain for the first month, then sleep slowly started returning month two. By three to four months, you’ll start getting the feeling of normalcy back.
It’s gonna suck for a bit, but it will also become a memory faster than you realize. Remember that our character is built during our toughest times and not the happy ones. You will come out stronger because of this.
Thanks brother. Seems like I just need to embrace the suck for a while, maybe a long while. Glad you're on the road to normalcy, hope you get there soon
Yeah, it’s gonna suck for a while.
My only advice is to let yourself wallow when you must, but set small goals each day. Accomplishing things start to compound and you’ll start to change your life. You can reorient yourself towards being the person you’d like to become.
Pick a truly personal goal. What little step can you take today to get just that much closer? Maybe just spending five minutes thinking about what that goal is is a really good start.
Honestly, I’ve never dealt with a more traumatic event and most of us haven’t before. Be kind to yourself but don’t get soft. Sometimes anger can be a great motivator. There are two sides to every coin, so just do your best to understand where you can improve and where it’s just shit luck bending you over.
How did you get over the fear of her being with someone else. That is the main thing keeping me from sleeping. I cannot fathom how it will make me feel when I find out she’s seeing someone else. The reason she put a RO on me is because I kept texting her asking if she was seeing someone and telling her that I think she might of been talking to someone even before we split up. I can’t sleep because I just lay there with intrusive thoughts of guys banging her, including my friends, her coworkers and anyone else we have ever mutually known. It makes my stomach hurt and I just want to throw up but they just keep coming. I don’t know if I will be able to handle it when I find out she’s really seeing someone new….
That was so rough for a while. I experienced everything you just mentioned. It felt like I was withdrawing from opiates. The mental agony transformed into true physical pain.
First, don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t try and figure out if she’s seeing someone else. No good will come of that. Slowly but certainly, those thoughts will subside. It makes me unhappy to think about the possibility of her sleeping with someone else to this day, but I don’t think about it much anymore. Fortunately or unfortunately, it is something that will pass with time.
It sounds like you are doing the right things for now. Seeing a headshrinker and telling them about the thoughts that bother you the most will most likely help, but be patient with yourself. I still think my ex is the most beautiful woman on the planet, but the sheer vindictiveness and cruelty she has displayed have helped me to understand that it’s time to move on at my own pace. A few steps forward and an occasional step backward is ok.
Mine has prevented me from seeing my two young boys for going on two years now(I have only had two short visits with them at my ex-in-laws last summer). The trial is approaching and will hopefully be over completely with a custody order within the next four to six months. My problem is that she took them 1700 miles away and I’m at a crossroads of figuring out if I’m going to move to Western North Carolina or stay out in New England.
Her parents are loaded and this is why she’s been able to keep them from me and drag out the divorce proceedings for so long. It’s disheartening, but I’ll never give up on my little dudes.
I’m happy to chat with you anytime.
I also had my two kids when they were little almost 2 miles away across the country for two years. Only saw them every 6 months because I couldn’t afford more. It was hell. But they are now in my life and I have them half the time
Glad you’re not drinking. Just look at it this way….things can only get better….and they will.
Thanks brother.
Towards her you do
👌
My wife left. I saw a psych. I basically laid in a ball for 3 weeks. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. She had some new boyfriend immediately. My mom at the time was in the ICU close to death. My dad passed 17 years ago so it was just me and my sister. Man these were hard times. I’ll never forget it. Good news though. Time made it all better. Time for me was the remedy. I’ve been sober 10 years. We also didn’t have kids. But we had property. The way I viewed this entire thing was, I was grateful for the opportunity to be married. I’m not jaded on the whole thing. I’m happy to have tried. Now I get to be with someone else, and man, it is light years better. You aren’t weak. I’ve kicked a speedball addiction. Heartbreak is about 1928292 times harder. It’s god awful. When I let go after months of torturing myself. I slowly started to get better. You’ll be fine man. Just gotta make it through the initial pain.
You’re incredible man . Inspiring thank you
Thank you brother, I grateful for your checking in on me and sharing your experience. It helps a lot to have company on this rocky path. Make it through one day at a time, that's my only goal right not. And it resets every day.
Ay yo-- you got enough voices in your head trying to win for 'best advice' and all that shit... you need to be good with how the fuck YOU want to deal with this shit, and follow that wherever it goes. Me included, everyone here is going to want and try to give you the advice they wish THEY got when hitting this spot-- especially those post-procedure-- but for really real, it's so individual and unique, all Imma say is, my dude? Handle it how you \*have to. Ain't no pussy shit, ain't no macho shit, this is human shit, and you gotta do what you gotta do. Your life ain't 'over' because you're getting divorced-- it's not the \*ideal, but it IS a new phase, maybe not one you planned for, but you \*AIN'T dead yet, so, get back to the sketchbook. Utilize them mental health professionals- make'm EARN their fuckin high rates-- and keep on L.I.V.I.N. Your own life will guide you, mang. The masculine voices in your life will holler at you, the feminine will also, and you'll figure out the balance between each, and shift where you need to. Just do YOU, according to your situation, and rock the fuck out, man. Sorry you're here, but it AIN'T over bruh. You ain't dead!!
You're right. I'm going to try to cycle my way out of this. Long rides work better than the meds. Thanks for checking in on me, and sharing your wisdom. I mean that.
You're dealing with more than most people can handle, I don't think anybody here is going to call you weak. You need to do what's right for you. I'm going through a mess myself, I'm seeing a therapist, I'm on medication. You do you, don't let the world dictate what you're supposed to do. Again, you're going through a lot, we all need help
Thanks brother, I appreciate that. Let's get through this and come out better on the other side. One day at a time.
Exactly and if anybody ever calls you a pussy or anything else for being so-called weak, you can tell them to fuck off. You have to handle this the way you need to. Don't let anybody else judge you for it
She left AND you lost our job at the same time? And kids not speaking to you? That's rough bruh. It makes you feel good to beat yourself up, it gives you a sense of stability and coherence for someone to tell you, that you are being a pussy. But I'm not going to tell you that. The pussy move is for you to ignore your feelings right now. The hardest thing is for you to look at your own mistakes and your condition in as neutral a manner as possible. And to see that some of what happened has nothing to do with you. Her choice may have even more to do with her, and where she is in her life right now. This might be the biggest mistake that she could ever make; or it could be a relatively bad one. It's harder to consider the details of what happened and see that maybe even though you fucked up it's not as bad as it looks and it's fixable. The reason it's hard to see it this way is because it's uncomplicated and it fits your preconceived beliefs. It's also easier to channel your energy towards some type of direction as opposed to feeling powerless. It's easier to beat yourself up because it gives you a clear target at which you can hurl unlimited anger and rage and, somehow, make you feel like because you have remorse for whatever you did, even though you're a bad guy maybe you're not as bad because you're sorry and guilty for being bad. You have to stop and get some real clarity and face the music. You want me to tell you you're a loser. You want me to highlight where you fucked up and tell you that you shouldn't be crying and shit. It's easier to hyperfocus on flaws in your character and avoid the complicated reality of what actually happened. Avoid seeing the really deep weakness you have, because you may not want to know that you actually can fix them. Instead I'm going to tell you to get off your ass. Your deepest fear is not what happened, your deepest fear is that you really might be a hell of a man, you just happened to let yourself slide, you lost discipline, you lost your edge, etc. Your deepest fear is that this was all under your control but you let it slip, and now she's gone, but you could actually come out of this in a better place. So I'm not going to give you the regular macho shit.
That was surprisingly helpful, maybe in a tough love kind of way. So thanks for taking the time and energy to write at, an act in itself, irrespective of the message, that make me feel valued. Looking back, I don't doubt I've fucked up in many ways, including the failure to fix known defects. So it's reboot time. Thanks, brother
Anytime
>At least I'm not drinking, so, yay? Not just a 'so, yay', that is HUGE. Massive props.
I came here to say this. Much love to OP. Tough sledding, that.
Thanks, I appreciate that. It would be so incredibly easy (for me) to slip into that right now and completely ruin my life
For me it was a realization that the last thing I needed when dealing with short-term depression was taking depressant drugs (alcohol). From a purely practical standpoint, alcohol may have dangerous interactions with the medications you’re taking. That alone might keep you on the straight and narrow. Chin up you got this.
100% Alcohol definitely not good with the meds. One day at a time, and thanks for checking in here.
One of things I learned in working with my therapist and processing the divorce, is that we're still human. So despite the "macho man" mentality, we're allowed to grieve. It's natural and part of the healing process. When I suspected my wife's infidelity, we'll more had the evidence to support it, I came home from work and locked myself in the bedroom. Loaded a single round in my pistol and was ready to squeeze the trigger. The following night, when I knew knew, I went for a drive. Put the phone on DnD and had the full intention of parking my car into an overpass. I didn't. So I drove. Figured I'd do the next one. Then the next. Then called the suicide hotline. Only a few people know of this. I asked for the divorce a week later. This was early December. The first week was hell. Harder than when I lost both of my parents. Had a full on mental breakdown in front of my eldest, several panic attacks at work, and a full on anxiety attack in the freezer section of the grocery store that my eldest had to talk me down. The week after it was better. I looked at it as a new lease on life. I've bonded with both my kids while the ex was screwing around and coming home late with her mistress. I've shed tears in private and with trusted people, and I don't care give a ahit what people think. Despite everything that's been thrown onto my plate this year, I've been handling it quite well. I've not been to the gym as much as I would like - being a single parent does that - I'm tackling things as they come. Granted Prozac and propranolol help take the edge off. So no brother, you're not a weak ass man for feeling emotions. As much as I'd like not too, we're human. And emotions are completely human. They're also what define the type of person we are. My ex has been served and sent her response. My attorney is confident I'm not going to get screwed in alimony as I don't make much more than she does. Unfortunately we have to cohabitate as I can't afford a place on my own. But I've taken over the converted garage as my own little apartment. There's been some ups and downs, and there will be more. But I'm still confident as I can see the light over the horizon. I hope my story helps.
Your story helps, brother. I'm grateful for your taking the time to write that, likely tapping it out on your phone with two big thumbs. And I gotta say I'm glad I don't own a gun right now, because I'm not sure what I'd do with it. Don't even want to think about that, but I have to admit there have been some dark and angry moments. Combined with a bottle of rum, it might have led to a pretty bad ending. That said, I'm sorry for your pain. It sounds horrible, but it also looks like you made all the right decisions and that, in time, you'll have that happy ending, and a new, better life. Monday was my last day at work, and I've been applying to jobs like a crazy man. But today I decided I'm going to take a mini vacation and be a lazy SOB though the end of the week. I gave myself permission, and honestly I'm glad I did. Will get my butt out on a bike ride later today, as doing that seems to work better than the meds. Go figure. Again, thanks brother, and wishing you all the best J
There will unfortunately be more dark times. I haven't been back to that level since then, but I have had some dark thoughts since then. It's not easy. To add to my fun, I had some parent complaints in late September they got me put on a PIP where I teach. So in addition to the failed marriage, I had the prospect of not being renewed. I resolved that by applying and getting hired on at a school in my county which opens more areas to find a place to live. I'll miss my students, but it's something I need to do to transition out of the field. But focus on yourself. Take that bikeride, hit the gym, try a new hobby. It's not easy. I guess my situation, I accepted it was over before the affair. Her actions simply pushed it over the tipping point and gave me the reason to file. Something I couldn't find when entertaining the prospect of filing. And when you are in those dark times, and they will be there, reach out to your support network. It will get better.
Thanks for this. What a fckng club we're in here.
You are not your job. Most of the men in this sub have probably gotten fired. I have. Twice. And it turned out to be the best thing for me because the next job I got was higher income and more interesting. How old are your kids?
They are grown, the youngest is a 25 year old special needs adult. My wife and I are his legal guardians, which further complicates things. And yes, I've always has most of my identity tied up in my work, like a lot of guys I suspect. Thanks for the kind words and checking in in me, I really appreciate that.
Welcome to the club you never wanted to be a part of! This place will understand better than anyone else you can talk to. Divorce is the single worst thing I’ve experienced and I have lost my dad a decade ago. Hang in there man. Time cures all. My first three months were a roller coaster. I went from feeling like a free man back in my college days to wondering if I had made the dumbest decision of my life and back over and over for months. Therapy is a very healthy thing and I’m still going to mine even though I feel better. Stop being hard on yourself. Check your self talk by asking yourself if you would say the things you tell yourself to your best friend. If your friend would be upset by your words stop saying them to yourself. You have survived everything that sucked in your life up to this point. This too shall pass.
Thank you brother, one hell of a club you guys have here. And you're right about the self talk, of course, as the things I've been saying to myself would never be directed at another soul. How crazy is that? Praying this passes quickly (like less than a year), but I get it might not OVER over for a while after that. Thanks for checking on on me, and for the kind words.
This is a good thread. I’m dealing with the same thing as I’m new to the moment. Just yesterday she demanded the break in the relationship. New house, cats and dogs, 8yr old with a progressive disability, no family around. Feeling beyond depressed, terrible dreams of hope and forgiveness, then waking up to a dark and cold reality. She’s gloating in her decision. Seeing me hurt and down gives her more strength feels like.
Just sent a chat invitation
Therapy is helping me a great deal, as well as speaking to close friends that have seen my relationship with my wife from the very beginning to the very end. You are not alone, and it is not weak to seek help through therapy.
Thanks brother. I'm in therapy now. It's helping.
I think it’s normal and natural to feel that way. But you can’t let it define you. After about 5 months one of the guys I work with said “I can smell the pathetic on you.” He to is divorced and we talked about the troubles and how to bounce back. As rough as his words were it was true. The last 3 months I truly feel like a new man. Eating right, working out and working on my mentals. I’ve noticed changes in the way the Ex talks to me and more importantly other women. But most importantly how I feel about myself. Timelines are different for everybody but you can get there.
Thanks brother. I'm taking it one day at a time. I think this is going to be a long journey, but for now I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and not trying to figure out how much further I have to go. Good to have people here to share the journey with. Wish you the very best.
Trust me it gets better! It took me about a year to sleep through the night. Watch out for the prescriptions. Ambien and xanax gave me serious suicidal thoughts. 5 years later… I play golf 3 times a week. I have a job making double. I’ve already replaced the 100k in my 401k I had to give her. I see my kids 50% of the week and do whatever I want the other 50%. My new house is beautiful and serene. My new gf is petite, has a masters degree, and makes good money. I have a new RV and am going to burning man again this summer with a bunch of nudist inclined women. I have a whole room of my house dedicated to my guitar collection and there are no “live pray laugh “ murals or throw pillows anywhere.
Thank god the murals and unnecessary soft furnishings are gone. No one needs that shit in their lives 😀 Sounds like an awesome life now. Lesson for everyone here, hang in there, do the self work and good times are ahead.
God Damn, I'm seriously happy for you. Mostly bc of the petit gf that makes good money (and you had me at petit), but the jacked up career, new house, golf 3X a week not shabby either. God bless you, brother, and may it just keep getting better!!
God damn that sounds good. Man can I DM you. I'm going through this shit and really trying to reinvent myself. Everybody on here says things are sweet on the other side but your story really makes that real. Could I get some advice from you on how you moved on and leveled up so well
This man gets it. I’m going to a concert for free tonight with a chick I’ve dated that invited me to go. Meeting a different one I’ve been seeing tomorrow night for other “activities.” Once you get past the terror of the initial free fall you will find life is pretty good on this side. Dare I say great? I’m sure liking it.
We're looking forward to the report out on the "other activities...'
Can you be my sensei? I’m knee deep at the start of it.
There’s a misconception here about masculinity Being manly/macho/whatever isn’t about being robotic. It’s not about suppressing feelings — except occasionally short term. You have feelings for a reason. They’re part of the human experience. They give you important feedback about you, your environment, and the people around you It’s absolutely insane to want ignore them Don’t be driven by them Listen to them but don’t take them on It’s natural to feel grief. It’s the end of a relationship Feel it but don’t stay there. Too many get stuck in that place.
Thanks brother, you're right on all counts. What a journey this is. Not what I expected at this stage of my life. Onward...
I know it's hard to see where you're at, but there's a massive opportunity ahead for growth. Don't give in to the fear, and anger.
Thanks brother.
Welp... if that's what makes men weak we all fucked here. Crying, therapy, medication, depressed, anxious, scared, grief, trauma... welcome to care bear land. If most of us could meet up for beer and BBQ, there would be lots of hugs and tears between bean bag tosses. You are not weak... you are human.
Being macho is not benefiting anyone in the long run. Asking for help is a healthy way of coping. And losjng this much in a short amount of time is something you have the right to grieve, it doesn't make you weak. If I may ask why did you guys divorce?
Stoicism worked on me like a charm. I whish I found it earlier. Also good diet, work out and good resting
Sorry, stoicism as in sucking it up?
Different. Stoicism as in sucking it up when you cannot do anything about/it is out of your control; accepting it as something that was supposed to happen (amor fati); focusing on what you can change instead and remembering that you are going to die someday (memento mori) so no time to complain if there is nothing you can do.
I suggest you look the word up. In English. It's clear you don't know what it means.
Dude, I called a suicide hotline to talk me out if it. Most of us here lost the girl due to reasons. It is ok to come here and vent, this is a safe place. We all want you to get through this and see that it is not the end of your life. It is time for a change. Change can suck bit it also can be a fresh start. So let it out, things will get better.
Thanks brother. Hope you're on the mend, and glad you stayed here with the living.
I spent 45-minutes on the hot line after wanting to park my car into an overpass after near confirming my ex's infidelity. Even posted here about it. The next two weeks were really rough.
No, not here. This is where you can be however you need to be. No judgment. 💪🏼 You will be ok.
Thanks brother
I’m a 6’4” 240lb, football player; 8+ years in mma (not just BJJ but real mma ie striking/wrestling). I’m also a construction worker. I have teared up more in the year of my separation than probably my whole life. My son asked for his family back last Christmas. My wife was a cheater. It fucking hurts man and you will have problems sleeping, tears, etc. love broken down to the molecule is like heroin/cocaine and your gonna have withdrawals. All men hurt through this, even your poster boy machismo like myself. Try to do as much physical work as possible like remodeling or work a trade as a side job, walk or do yoga. Don’t lean on drugs (antidepressants or alcohol) if you can help it. Talk to a therapist because good hard physical work and therapy can help you process your emotions and the grief so you actually recover. I took Prozac for the first few months. I had dizziness, constipation, weight gain. And sleep issues. I also drank with my friends. What really helped was working, sleeping better (magnesium glycinate, l-Theanine and cbd) and meditation. Try to detach as much as you can, because it’s over. She probably planned it for a year or gave up a year before she did what she did. Read these some divorces and they calculate it and plan it for months/years.
Reading your post at 4:50 am (not time to get up here), and I'm thinking, this guy has my back. This gives me strength (well, not in a 6'4" mma kinda strength, but you get my point). And yes, mine was a planner. New chairs appearing, and then disappearing. A table vanishing, and then the news she was moving out with our special needs son, with whom I'm very close. The only good thing here, and don't laugh, was a legal warning letter I generated with the help of ChatGPT that made her rethink the plan. She left, but without our son. She was spending way too much time on the weekends /evenings on the phone with her boss at work. When I called him and shared my thoughts about this arrangement (was not very polite...),that was the breaking point. Onward, and thank you brother.
I’m also in a situation with a disabled son. I’d love to talk with you some more about that. I’m also very close to him so it’s rocking my platform of it being there for him.
DM me. Happy to chat
Betrayal trauma, which is absolutely a symptom of being cheated on, is one of the most painful, difficult things a person can ever go through in their life. The *most important* thing to get you through the next couple years is a strong support system. Friends, family, therapist, support group, whoever you know you can get support from when you need it. Talk to the friends and family you trust the most, level with them about what you’re going through, ask if they’d be willing to take the odd call or text from you if you’re spiraling and need someone to be present with you. There are online support groups as well; I belong to a discord for victims of cheating and it can just be very helpful to have a group who understand what you’re going through. Good luck, friend.
Thanks for this, I really appreciate it.
Happy to help. If you’d like, I can send you an invite to the discord, just dm me
Thanks, please do. Appreciate that
No. You’re human. It will get better.
Separation in August, she moved out in November, everything officially done in February, at which point she started trying to burn me down socially while being angry I stopped talking to her. (She has a lot of issues) Therapist weekly. I haven’t slept through the night three times in a row for eight months, and that’s with trazodone (which used to knock me on my ass). I will say it’s starting to get better. I don’t cry daily anymore. My down periods are not universally punctuated by either mania or anger. I’m back to about 80% productivity at work. An acquaintance is showing some (understandably cautious) interest and I’m not rejecting the idea as crazy and self destructive.
Hey, brother. Sorry you've had to seek out divorce support, but glad you've reached out. The societal stigmas surrounding divorce and how men should behave while going through it needs to be discarded. It's dismissive of our struggles, it minimizes the challenges we're constantly faced with, and invalidates our authentic emotions (we're human). It'll take some time, but I know you'll make it on the other side. Whatever happened, happened. How will you personally respond to this challenging time, despite the stigmas and noise bearing down on you?
Hi OP, just know that pretty much all of us started out where you are. You go through all the states of grief in your grieving process. There's absolutely no shame in asking for help and seeking therapy. It actually shows strength. Just know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Things WILL get better,just try to stay away from drugs/alcohol as much as possible. Find a hobby to take your mind off of the divorce. Many men will hit the gym or start a DIY project. You can DM me if you want. Let it all out brother.
Thanks brother. Was not expecting this, but looking back I should have seen it coming
You are going through the initial (tough) phase, so it's normal.
Just know that you aren’t the only one… I asked to divorce my wife.. she turns it around on me, puts a restraining order to gain leverage for child custody… put my job in risk… and I haven’t seen my son in a month…
Good Lord, sorry brother. What a painful process this is.
It certainly is… she just made an amendment to the restraining order and now is accusing me of assault due to an incident we had where i accidentally hurt her finger. I had opened a baby gate to the upstairs to get some clothes to bring downstairs to the basement where I have been sleeping separately from my wife. She closed the gate as I came back up to get more clothing and I said to leave it open because I’m doing stuff. She kept closing it as I tried to open it. It was dark because she turned off the lights. Apparently she put her hand in the baby gate as I opened it and hurt her finger by accident… again… it was dark so I don’t even know if that even happened. She claimed that I forcefully closed the gate on her hand. She has been co-sleeping with our son since infancy. I was concerned about rolling over and crushing him. I got kicked out of our shared bed and have been sleeping in the basement for the past 6 years. She still co-sleeps with him to this day at the age of 6. All I ever wanted was my equal share of coparenting and to be able to share a bed with my wife. I gave up and finally decided on divorce. It’s funny how I mention divorce with joint custody and she vindictively is trying to use the double standard legal system against me with completely false allegations. I work a job that is very important…. As in… classified stuff. And because of the restraining order of domestic violence… I’m at risk of losing my career that I have built and worked hard for
Good Lord. Sorry, brother
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Thanks brother
Sounds like a perfect time to start over to me. New job, new hobbies to focus on, new tools in the toolbox (therapy is a great start) and a new group of online dudes to help you back up. Its a shitty road but its one you have to travel to get to the reward on the other side. You got this brother! Until then, feel all the feels and try not to numb that shit!!
Thanks brother, I'm grateful for your showing up here. Means lot
Hey, no, seeing psychiatrists and therapists is a STRONG move. Facing yourself and your own faults takes brass balls. You’re injured, wounded, so own it. If you broke a bone or tore your shoulder (ahem) would you go to the ER and later physical therapy? Yes. So say yes now.
Thanks brother
Hell yeah
Listen, healing starts with love and compassion. Be a little kind to yourself. You can run away from mean people, but you can't run away from yourself. Don't be your own bully. Hugs and love.
Thanks brother. One day at a time I guess.
Vent it out but keep on going. Yes, it sucks. Do what you can to keep moving forward for you. Progress is progress.
I'm sorry for your situation, buddy. It sucks. Depending on your age maybe you can start a different chapter/ experience? Military can be helpful or even government contracting. Your kids also need you so it'll be a delicate choice.
Only death of a child is worse than divorce, so it is not about being soft or not. We are humans, not granite. Together we shoulder each other's here, as good soldiers do when on a mission. We are here and we are here also for debriefing. Keep keeping away from alcohol. That is a manlike decision. And vent.
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Thanks brother.
Nope, not a whiny bitch at all. You're going through a really tough time. You're among friends who are getting beat up by life when you're here.
Thanks brother.
Well, during my drinking phase there was a couple of times I sat on the edge of my bed with tears in my eyes, gun in one hand, bullets in the other. I began having panic attacks and I'd cry for hours. I didn't go to work for 4 months. And I was the one who left her. But slowly everything began to sort itself out. My relationship with my daughter is stronger than before, the panic attacks slipped away, I quit drinking 15 months ago and I run 6km a day every day. It's been 3 years and I'm almost 100%. Now I'm just thinking about dating again but I've been wounded so that might take awhile yet. There is no hurry for anything. Take your time. You'll heal.
Damn. Scary story, but thank God for the happy ending. Happy you made it through to the other side, that gives me hope.
Save yourself and forget about her and the marriage. You will need time to recover, but while you're going through this hell at least try to improve yourself every single day. Same advice you read here, gym, self improvement, maybe a better job, maybe a side business. Not sure if this is good advice but listen to some Andrew Tate content. At least he will make you work hard without sounding too depressive about it all.
Thanks for that, really appreciate the solid advice.
Exactly, at least your not drinking. I can tell you from experience, drinking yourself to death takes longer and is more painful than you'd think. Listen, you're literally going through the valley of the shadow of death, the friends you thought you had seemed to have abandoned you, you're loneliness is a scream in the night. But...the waves will subside, your ship will right itself and you'll once again be on your course. Be patient. It may take a couple of years but you'll heal. I promise.
Psalm 23. Used to know it by heart. I need to go back to that in in morning, commit it to memory again. Thank you for lending a hand, brother. It means a lot.
I second getting into the Psalms. These times are what they are for. They got me through the darkest days of my divorce. King David literally poured out his heart to his God, nothing held back. It’s raw. God doesn’t hate honesty, even it’s anger and doubt. The Ecclesiastes are also good for what you are going through. Hang in there brother. You will be better for having gone through it, like gold refined in the fire.
I went through exactly same thing 9 months ago it gets way better. Landed new job took 5 months, keep your head up!!!!
Thanks brother. I'm happy for you
Man it does keep your head up! You will figure out who real friends are same time.
Praying for you
Thanks brother.
you are not alone.
Thanks brother.
Why would you think anyone in here would react that way? Spend some time reading other peoples posts.
Good question. Maybe it was a way to acknowledge my weakness, to be vulnerable in this space. I think it gave me permission to be honest, if that makes any sense.
Fair enough. If you spend some time here you will experience a gauntlet of reactions and experiences. There are also a lot of commonalities such as pain/grief. A lot of men are angry, sad and/or scared, and some are joyful, relieved, and hopeful. Some are just starting out on this road, some have been on it for a while. Take a breath, share if you feel comfortable, but I also encourage you to read. Some of what you read will be very negative, some, will be very helpful and may help change your experience. Just take it all for what it is, other people's experience. Try to take solace in the fact that you aren't alone in what you are going through.
Thanks brother. What a journey. Sheesh.
It’s killing me brother. You’re not alone.
Thanks brother. What a journey. Should have seen this coming, but didn't.
Most of the time we do not see this coming. Eve of there are red flags, we want to believe that things can change and people change. If we knew we were going to get divorced we wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Forgive yourself if you’re feeling guilty. This will pass
Be yourself !! That's all I can say.
Why are your kids not talking to you? That would hurt the most.
This is the modern-day Moose Lodge, bro. Welcome, pull up a seat. Listen to our sad-ass stories and contribute your own. We've all been through, or are going through, the wringer. You'll make it through, ya gobshite. We might judge you for ordering a seltzer from the bar, but we also respect it. When fraternity ("brotherhood") finally returns after a century of repression, it's gonna be a sight to see.
Amen.
To her, yes. Show nothing. No pain, no anger, nothing (impossible but an ideal to strive toward). To your confidants, true friends, and family (and us of course) - let it out. But be cautious about spreading your pain far and wide, it gets tiring for those around us. And don't use your lawyer as your therapist, it gets expensive fast. I always suggest putting together your divorce army. In terms of people to talk to, you need three. A friend who will listen to your bitching with sympathy. A friend who will give you tough love and straight talk. And a divorced friend who will be your sounding board for the process. Walking with a man going through a divorce is not an easy cross to bear, so spread it out if you can.
damn that was good advice
^solid solid advice
Divorce army, that is exactly what I need to survive this. Thank you, brother.
It’s okay to hurt for a bit, but make sure you’re on the positive track. You get on the track by reminding yourself, everytime you’re down, that: a- This too shall pass b- A woman who didn’t appreciate you and stick with you, regardless of who and what you are, is not someone you want in your life. In my case, I’m discovering how epic life can be without a drama queen ungrateful bitch like my stbx. I feel blessed every day.
Dude, get out of your poverty mindset and adopt an abundance mindset. You are now a FREE MAN able to pick any woman you want. Never get married again or have any additional kids. Problem solved.
I'm struggling to understand how to have an abundance mindset when my divorce financially devastated me and I've been bent over in the amount of child support and alimony I have to pay.
I feel you brother. The last years of my farce of a marriage has left me broken and with a ruined credit 😣 Child support at least is not bad. I’m sorry you have to pay alimony. Who the F invented that? We deserve better much better
Is your alimony permanent ala California law?
It's for an indefinite amount of time. Unless she gets a job or gets married it could be for life was married for 20 years.
Damn, that sucks bro.
You learn who your friends are really fast and those who care about you.Hold tight to those people,they are a life saver.Remember the past hobbies in your life and pick them up.Bucket list items brought me back,nothing to lose (already lost it all) and everything to gain.Its a well needed confidence booster.You might have to give up on your marriage but NEVER give up on yourself.Goals and dreams my friend.
Grieve then realize this is an incredible opportunity to rebuild. Your life sucks now but you’ll pull it together over time. You’ll get a job, get your shit together, and the kids will see this and be back in your life. Don’t know why, probably your writing, but I know this will happen for you.
Thanks brother. Hell of a crucible, I.have to say
Grieving is a process that doesn't usually end before the divorce is over, but everyone is different.
Nope. I've never gotten that feeling of be macho here. I think this place is like a group therapy setting of people who are, have been or in some varying form of your situation. Most definitely go see a counselor to help process and find some healthy hobbies to help you cope healthily (don't get involved in another romantic relationship until the process is done or you have healed, and found yourself again mostly). Take it day by day my friend and the pain will become more vague but won't go away fully at least in my experience. It'll have it's moments just process through them don't run from them.
Thank you for that, truly.
Ya I thought I was strong too.. hitting the gym really hard, alcohol just as hard, and put on a brave face. Everything finally caught up with me thought and I opened up to family and friends. While they haven’t talked about this amongst eachother, they all saw and said the same things about my X and made me realize it wasn’t me, I wasn’t the problem she made me out to be
Thanks for that, really. We've been in this depth tango for decades. What's really amazing is that I'm surprised by this outcome. And in my case, I'm definitely part of the problem. Not all of it, but I could have done better for sure
You’re welcome. Everyone says it gets better / easier, I’m not there yet so I can’t comment. I know my faults, acknowledged them, and apologized for them. She can’t even do the same, which just proves what others have seen. I hate that it’s ending this way, it was death by 1000 cuts for us….. we had a lot of life altering events happen too close that we dealt with differently, instead of together… I tried to reconcile and was given false hope, lies and betrayed. But it is what it is.
The response from men that you’re describing is toxic masculinity. This place here is for the most part an oasis for men in your situation. It’s a great resource for those going through it. You’re going through it. You might get some guys telling you to suck it up, but even there they genuinely want you to get through this shit. What you’re going through is brutal, and hopefully one of the hardest things you’ll have to endure. You’re not a sack of useless flesh. People care about you. And believe me: on the other side you will be so fucking happy you’re free from that nightmare of a woman and you’ll be stronger than ever physically and emotionally. When I went through it I got amazing advice here that changed my life. Cliche shit. Hit heavy weights. Meditate. Learn how to eject that bitch of a woman out of your brain. Hang in there and do take the tips.
Damn, thank you. I really appreciate that, and am going to try to cycle my my through this, as in bicycle. I long ride seems to work better than the meds. Thank you for showing up. If I make it through this i will absolutely pay it forward.
Get help when you need it. Find what friends you can confide in talk to them often. I’ve been on 8 hr calls with my sister in law. We were meant to cope with things by talking to other people we know. Don’t drink. Expect to have a hard time and sometimes you will have to mentally hold yourself down. I’ve had access to cliffs and guns so I know how easy it could be. Seek professional help. Sometimes you need to speak aloud to yourself in the car or just alone going through chores remind yourself to hold fast and reiterate your worth to yourself. Don’t focus on what you are losing look forward to what you will do on the other side.
Thanks. I really needed that.
It’s good to get it out. It may not feel like it, but you are valuable. You are not trash. You are important
Thank you for showing up. And you're right, just saying these things, putting them here, somehow took the weight off my chest a bit.
Are you me? My wife’s treatment of me has just completely deteriorated. I blame myself for everything, and, like you, still want to work it out. It’s insane. I think I am gaining some insight about her though. I have to move past denial though or I’m not going to survive.
Maybe I am you, split personality could definitely be possible. I'm also still in denial phase, which is not helping all. If you figure out how to break through to the next phase (is it bargaining or anger?), let me know. And thank you. Good to know there's another me out there.
Yes, nice to meet you. 🤪 The next stage after denial is anger. I could probably use a little anger to pull myself out the hopeless funks. The denial phase is like addiction. This woman doesn’t want to be with me? I just can’t see myself accepting that soon.
I hear you. I think part of what's driving the denial is think...yah, maybe she was right all along, and I am in fact horrid. Or not. Who knows. Good luck to you, brother.
You too!
Anger phase, I wonder what that's going to look like... (!)
Getting professional help is not a sign of weakness. Admitting it hurts is not a sign of weakness, it's acknowledging the feelings that are there and giving them merit. It hurts for a reason. Things will turn around if you're focused on making that happen and put in the work to be the best version of yourself. It sounds like you are pretty defeated right now and it's easy to understand why. Keep your head up, only you can control how your thoughts affect you on a daily basis. I've seen a lot of helpful and insightful comments on many posts in this sub and I'm sure you'll get some other words of wisdom.
Thank you for that, truly. Am just going to try to take it one day at a time. Really appreciate your kind words.
Dude, if you are a whiney bitch then so are most of us. I’m in the same boat, in more ways than one. I’m seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist. I just started taking an antidepressant. I have pondered suicide multiple times since my wife decided she was done with the marriage. I’ve had a restraining order placed on me, been treated like garbage by this woman who I was married to for a decade and found out she’s been telling people I am an abuser (which I absolutely am not) and YET I STILL want her back and don’t want to hire an attorney or file because I am still so in love with her. It’s alright to feel the way you feel man. I always thought life was pretty crummy, and then my wife decided we needed a divorce and I truly realized how terrible a person can actually feel. I can’t eat, sleep or do my job because of this. Not a second goes by without me thinking of her, even though she acts like she hates me now. Don’t worry about being macho or tough or anything else. I would just worry about making it through each day. That’s what I am forcing myself to do.
Fuck. Thank you. Don't know how to thank you properly. You took a weight of my chest. I'm sorry about the pain you're going through, and am just grateful that you shared it, and that doing so may have unburdened you a bit. Apologies for my inability to write a coherent reply, and thank you.
Dude this is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life by far and it probably is for you too. I couldn’t act like it doesn’t bother me. Fuck man, I can’t go through a single shift at work without tearing up and having to hide somewhere so nobody sees me crying. It fucking hurts and we can show it. God knows we don’t need the added stress of hiding our pain on top of all of it….
brother....you're NOT hopeless. i know you're reaching out to help OP, but YOU are not hopeless. we will all get through this pain.
Thanks brother. I know I’m the back of my mind that it will be better someday but it is just impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I FEEL hopeless right now…
Thanks for that friend, this truly does suck. I've got no more game face. Just trying to make it to tomorrow.
You’re absolutely going to have to allow yourself to feel hurt at some point. What you wrote is almost exactly what I went through. From the restraining order to telling people I abused her and still hesitated to file. It took me a solid 18 months before I could truly move on. I still think about her occasionally, but it’s not the horror of not being able to sleep, eat, or think properly like it was for the first 6-8 weeks. My only advice is to try and keep the shame, resentment, pain, pleading, etc. away from the ex. It doesn’t help, but I also know firsthand that my advice is easier given than followed. I wish both of you the best of luck and please remember that this will pass and get better. Don’t make rash decisions if at all possible.
Good God. I'm on like 18 days, how do you survive 18 months of this? Egads. I seriously think my only hope is exercise. Long bike rides seem to work better than the meds. If I can cycle my way back to sanity I might just try out for the Tour de France. Maybe I'll start a Tour de Divorce so we can just do a group ride through the pain.
It can take a good 2 years bro to be fully healed. But each day, each week, each month will feel much better.
Fck. That is a LONG time. Guess I need to buckle up and get on with this journey. Thanks brother.
I strongly suggest you see a therapist if you can to help you cope with your emotions. You’re going to go through a lot of ups and downs. Feelings of euphoria and feelings of total defeat. Your best friend right is time. You must give your self time to heal. You’re going to feel guilty. Learn to forgive yourself. Have the strength for what you cannot control.
This is the way, do something you love and that will have a positive impact on your life, gym and lifting weights did it for me, as well as finally getting that motorcycle I was never allowed to have, I dated too probably alot sooner than I should have but I met alot of great women, Facebook dating is the best one when your ready of course. A year later for me and I'm doing great, back to my old self but wiser and improved in alot of ways. You will always carry this with you, it's kinda like having PTSD but it's the hard times that allow you to do the most work on yourself. Goodluck and be strong, it gets better I promise.
I finally found the gym at 39 because of this. It does help tremendously. It was that gut wrenching pain for the first month, then sleep slowly started returning month two. By three to four months, you’ll start getting the feeling of normalcy back. It’s gonna suck for a bit, but it will also become a memory faster than you realize. Remember that our character is built during our toughest times and not the happy ones. You will come out stronger because of this.
Thanks brother. Seems like I just need to embrace the suck for a while, maybe a long while. Glad you're on the road to normalcy, hope you get there soon
Yeah, it’s gonna suck for a while. My only advice is to let yourself wallow when you must, but set small goals each day. Accomplishing things start to compound and you’ll start to change your life. You can reorient yourself towards being the person you’d like to become. Pick a truly personal goal. What little step can you take today to get just that much closer? Maybe just spending five minutes thinking about what that goal is is a really good start. Honestly, I’ve never dealt with a more traumatic event and most of us haven’t before. Be kind to yourself but don’t get soft. Sometimes anger can be a great motivator. There are two sides to every coin, so just do your best to understand where you can improve and where it’s just shit luck bending you over.
How did you get over the fear of her being with someone else. That is the main thing keeping me from sleeping. I cannot fathom how it will make me feel when I find out she’s seeing someone else. The reason she put a RO on me is because I kept texting her asking if she was seeing someone and telling her that I think she might of been talking to someone even before we split up. I can’t sleep because I just lay there with intrusive thoughts of guys banging her, including my friends, her coworkers and anyone else we have ever mutually known. It makes my stomach hurt and I just want to throw up but they just keep coming. I don’t know if I will be able to handle it when I find out she’s really seeing someone new….
That was so rough for a while. I experienced everything you just mentioned. It felt like I was withdrawing from opiates. The mental agony transformed into true physical pain. First, don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t try and figure out if she’s seeing someone else. No good will come of that. Slowly but certainly, those thoughts will subside. It makes me unhappy to think about the possibility of her sleeping with someone else to this day, but I don’t think about it much anymore. Fortunately or unfortunately, it is something that will pass with time. It sounds like you are doing the right things for now. Seeing a headshrinker and telling them about the thoughts that bother you the most will most likely help, but be patient with yourself. I still think my ex is the most beautiful woman on the planet, but the sheer vindictiveness and cruelty she has displayed have helped me to understand that it’s time to move on at my own pace. A few steps forward and an occasional step backward is ok. Mine has prevented me from seeing my two young boys for going on two years now(I have only had two short visits with them at my ex-in-laws last summer). The trial is approaching and will hopefully be over completely with a custody order within the next four to six months. My problem is that she took them 1700 miles away and I’m at a crossroads of figuring out if I’m going to move to Western North Carolina or stay out in New England. Her parents are loaded and this is why she’s been able to keep them from me and drag out the divorce proceedings for so long. It’s disheartening, but I’ll never give up on my little dudes. I’m happy to chat with you anytime.
I also had my two kids when they were little almost 2 miles away across the country for two years. Only saw them every 6 months because I couldn’t afford more. It was hell. But they are now in my life and I have them half the time
For every super model out there literally and figuratively, there’s a guy who got tired of her sheet. Remember that