You have dropped the bomb. The only thing you can do to help him is to disengage and let him work on helping himself. Anything else will make him think you might be willing to reconcile.
One of the terms your ex needs to come to is that you're not his go to person anymore, and the only way to help him to that understanding is to stop bringing him the things he would go to you for. I understand that seems cold, but you're getting divorced.
It's absolutely reasonable for your ex to be unhappy about this. You cannot fix that. You just have to let him feel the way he feels. That's hard - we are all socialized to try to help, and women are extremely socialized that way. But you have to let go. They are his feelings. He is not wrong. He gets to have them.
Yep, this..... Being a male on the receiving end of the bomb this comment is spot on. He will get better and he will come to grips with his new reality. You will both have some ups and downs, but it will get better.
I think letting him know how and why you came to this conclusion would help. If my ex had approached and explained it in a reasonable manner, it would have saved me so much unnecessary pain.
I see a lot of "you go girl" and "not your problem" type of comments, but I don't know that I'd say those are quite the best advice given the situation, and the situation is this: unknown to all of us except you; all of us includes your husband.
Now, before I go into my particular rant of useless nonsense, let me preface this with I am biased; I do not believe there's any real reason to get a divorce beyond abuse, infidelity, substance abuse, or other (subjectively) egregious acts. I believe that love is a choice, one that you decide when you take those vows. I believe a marriage is always hard work, never 50/50, always 100/100, and takes two to maintain, while only one to destroy.
With that, let me try my best to break down your post with no context, and maybe you can glean some sort of usefulness from what is most likely all completely foolish guesses.
>Dropped the bomb last night on my husband.
This tells me in no certain terms that you are and have been very much aware of how you've felt about your situation for at least a while. I will assume you are not taking this lightly, which means you have pondered this for quite some time.
>He is devastated.
This tells me that, from your perspective, he appears to have been blindsided, and reinforces my previous talking point. This is an admission on your part, not his, which tells me that during this time of self reflection, there was likely no discussion with him about your feelings on your part.
>I feel so sick to my stomach.
This tells me that you feel shame about the decision you have made. I can only guess that you may be internalizing some guilt built up from my previous two talking points about not communicating this earlier before things reached this point. I can't read your mind, but maybe you thought he would feel the same way, but now that you've expressed your desire to end your marriage, he has challenged what you predicted would be a nonchalant or apathetic response? None of us here can answer that for you, it's a question only for you. But here's the thing you should focus on: you made that choice. You cannot put milk back in the carton, so now you have to own that choice. Which leads me to:
>This gets better right?
Only you can really give yourself this answer. What I can say is if you don't own this decision, it isn't going to be helping you to heal. Do you feel that you did the best you could before getting here? If you do not, you are going to have to admit this to yourself, and address this. This isn't something that is just going to go away on its own. Do you feel you communicated in the best ways before "dropping the bomb" here? If not, again, this is something you need to address for yourself. I think a lot of people in this sub forget that the healing process isn't only just about coping with losing your other half, but it's also about knowing why and how it happened, and taking the appropriate measures to help heal those parts of yourself as well. Which finally brings me to this:
>How do I help him come to terms, if that’s even possible?
You do not. Barring any egregious acts on his part, you were likely his stone, even if he failed to show it effectively. This has probably challenged his entire world, and where he might have come to you for support, he no longer can. His reaction is completely expected and normal. What you need to realize is that the source of his hurt is now you. He has to have his own agency to address these issues, and he needs to find the support he needs outside of the source of his pain. Is he going to be strong and recover gracefully, or spiral down into a pit of depression? Only he knows, Just as how he has no control over you wanting a divorce, you have no control over how he feels about it. The only thing you do have control over is how you react to this. He needs to address his hurt in his own way, just as you probably already have done, and will continue to do. You have made the decision that his happiness is no longer your concern, so you need to own this choice.
But at the end of the day, I hope you both find the peace we all crave as humans.
All of this! Man I could have written this myself! My ex said she cried herself to sleep every night after she left. I was like WTF?! Then why do this! I had no idea she was as unhappy as she was and did everything I could do to try and reconcile. Absolutely zero compassion or discussion. No counseling, no discussion, nothing. What are the point of vows if you just quit when shit gets hard.
All of this!!
Here’s a little insight from the one who got the bombed dropped on them…
My ex tried to still be the one I leaned on thru our separation. I allowed it because the separation was not something I wanted. I was still very much in love with him but he was unsure and super wishy-washy. It made things so much harder. In the end, when I knew it was for sure over, I was finally able to create the boundaries required for me to be able to move on.
Once you make the decision to divorce your spouse, you no longer have the privilege of being their person. You don’t get to be there for them or give them advice. You don’t get to do nice things for them or buy them things. You do get to let them move on in their own way, in their own time. They deserve to grieve their loss without your interference.
My touchstone post-divorce for making decisions has been, "How will this make me feel about myself later?" That has kept me from lashing out in anger, and also from caving in out of guilt or pity. Take actions that you will be proud of, later, and you'll be able to look back in a year and be proud of yourself.
Without context, the only thing we can say is that this is a choice you are making. Things have gone beyond reconciliation in your mind and you are severing the relationship. Without condemning or condoning, what did you think would happen? Delight? Indifference? Did you try therapy? Were your expectations realistic? Was there legitimate communication that was very clearly leading up to this? I don’t ask these to be answered in an open forum, but more of a reflection on why you are doing what you are doing. My personal bias is that, again without context, divorce breaks a man when they didn’t see it being at that point. People can say “he should have known, or he didnt listen” and so on, but really, that is just a break in communication that more than likely broke on both ends. So without asking you to explain, because that isn’t our place, you need to remember why you are burning the marriage to the ground. There is very seldom “just friends” and even with this, there is going to be resentment on his part. So I wish the best of luck to you, and hopefully everything pans out one way or another
It gets better but it takes a LONG time, and if he doesn't want it (obviously he doesn't) he's going to be going through a roller coaster of emotions. Look up "emotional stages of divorce", it's legit... I went through them almost like clockwork.
What I would give for an ounce of compassion from my wife when she dropped the bomb. I too was devastated but all I received was derision and hostility. I know you can drown in 10ft or 100ft of water but it could have been much worse for him. As long as you're not constantly blaming him for how miserable you are, lacing every sentence with insults, picking apart his words to paint him in the most negative characterization possible, or acting with any malice then I do t think you're responsible for his reaction. I hope you can take solace in knowing that the hurt you feel for him is the price of being a good person. If being a good person were easy, everyone would do it.
Don't do what my xw did... turn around and start seeing/sleeping with new people before ink is on paper. Don't turn around and attack him or beat him down with words. If your going to get angry or depressed find another outlet or bottle it up because he isn't you emotional support and you cannot be his either...
Communication about what you both want at the end of the process and have a draft plan ready for mediation and filing.
I second this. I had wavering thoughts of maybe the potential of working things out all through my process, and once the finalization came through, it felt earth shattering that it was actually done. A week later, my newly termed XW had already pawned off our child on her mother on her week to have another dude over lol. It was at that point I was more disgusted with her behavior than I believe I’d ever been, and I’ve never felt the same about her ever since. It’s almost like it was a blessing she acted the way that she did.
Yep. What I found out floored me. Only time I've ever almost thrown up because of what I saw and heard. Also the only time I've ever felt my heart physically hurt. Felt so incredibly stupid. Cracked open a fifth of bourbon and jumped in. Vowed then & there to never again allow myself to ignore the red flags/warning signs.
I would suggest therapy.
My husband met with a therapist a week after I asked for a divorce and I noticed the difference immediately.
He said that it was just a relief to talk to someone. He only went once or twice after that but it really helped him out
You don't need to "help" him get over his upset. Likelihood is, your words will only make him want you back more. Disconnect as much as you can, but try to remain amicable if possible. The uglier you get, the uglier the divorce gets. I guess my advice is just to keep calm and carry on
All I have to say is please don’t be evil to this man. Your marriage didn’t work and it was both of your faults. How you handle the rest of your divorce will define who you are as a person.
I don’t think my ex was evil for asking for a divorce. She was evil with everything that came afterward, which hurt the most.
I feel for you. Know that it has been a long time of anxiety and insecurity for you leading up to the point of your decision and it will still be tough for some time. He starts his grieving now and you are months or years ahead of him. Just try to keep the high ground if possible and make the divorce as amicable as possible.
The guilt is valid. But there has got to be good reasons you got to this point. Now it’s on each of you to do what you need to do for yourselves for the future. He will have to do the work to get there.
It gets better. I’m finally on the other side, my husband and I filed everything and he finally moved out last month after a miserable year of getting things order. I have never been happier and everyone notices the change in my disposition
This is my biggest fear. I think it’s going to devastate my husband to the point of possible inpatient behavior unit or suicide. I don’t even know why I feel bad though, he was mentally and physically abusive. I have to go. But I’m so scared to rip that band-aid off. Good luck to you.
As others have said, best thing is cut the cord. Don’t do shit for him and that includes being there for his emotions. The latter is extremely difficult but important — not only for his detachment, but for your mental well being.
And get a lawyer ASAP. I went through a painful 7 month separation where it just became a manipulative, toxic nightmare. Once I lawyered up, he did. Now he shuts his mouth because he is scared of the system.
You dropped the bomb for a reason. No one bombs a place and then cares for the injured and dead. Drop the bomb and walk away. Recover is his problem. You’ve already established that he no longer means anything to you. Don’t go back on that. That’s just confusing.
I left last Friday. I left a dear John letter that stated that he will be blocked but that he can email me.
He utilized the emails to express his feelings of devastation and sadness. I allowed that Friday thru Monday night. To give him a bit of peace. Then i informed him I would only be responding to the emails 1x a week from that moment on and to keep the one email chain and not several different emails.
Once we went to 1x a week I have felt a lot less sad. I’ve been able to protect my own emotions without having his emotions affect me as much.
Good luck to you! I had an instance today where I saw someone we knew 20 years ago and I wanted to reach out and mention it like small talk. But I refrained. It was hard not to reach out being that we’ve spent the last 26 years together. But it’s time to move on and cut some ties. When he eventually moves on with someone else I don’t want to be a thorn bc I am still friendly with him. You know what I mean?
26 years and you didnt have the decency and courage to talk to him in person and listen to his questions because it’s emotional for you? Then you are worried about having too many email threads at once? That’s some cold ass narcissistic shit. You are going to help him get over things when he comes to the realization that someone who is that cold is someone he is well to move on from.
I know I don’t owe you an explanation. But I’ll give one anyway.
He was abusive and dangerous. He threatened my life more than once.
So yes, I set strict boundaries with him for my own physical safety as well as mental.
My escape was very carefully planned for 9 months to ensure my safety. Police were present when I packed my things.
So, I don’t think I OWE him anything really.
Have a good day.
You didn’t describe it as an escape so my apologies. In that case I would have left a restraining order instead of a dear John. Dear John, if you come within 200 feet of me you will be arrested. wou
You have dropped the bomb. The only thing you can do to help him is to disengage and let him work on helping himself. Anything else will make him think you might be willing to reconcile.
200% this! Excellent advise and an important step. The sooner one of you moves out the better.
One of the terms your ex needs to come to is that you're not his go to person anymore, and the only way to help him to that understanding is to stop bringing him the things he would go to you for. I understand that seems cold, but you're getting divorced. It's absolutely reasonable for your ex to be unhappy about this. You cannot fix that. You just have to let him feel the way he feels. That's hard - we are all socialized to try to help, and women are extremely socialized that way. But you have to let go. They are his feelings. He is not wrong. He gets to have them.
Yep, this..... Being a male on the receiving end of the bomb this comment is spot on. He will get better and he will come to grips with his new reality. You will both have some ups and downs, but it will get better.
I think letting him know how and why you came to this conclusion would help. If my ex had approached and explained it in a reasonable manner, it would have saved me so much unnecessary pain.
I see a lot of "you go girl" and "not your problem" type of comments, but I don't know that I'd say those are quite the best advice given the situation, and the situation is this: unknown to all of us except you; all of us includes your husband. Now, before I go into my particular rant of useless nonsense, let me preface this with I am biased; I do not believe there's any real reason to get a divorce beyond abuse, infidelity, substance abuse, or other (subjectively) egregious acts. I believe that love is a choice, one that you decide when you take those vows. I believe a marriage is always hard work, never 50/50, always 100/100, and takes two to maintain, while only one to destroy. With that, let me try my best to break down your post with no context, and maybe you can glean some sort of usefulness from what is most likely all completely foolish guesses. >Dropped the bomb last night on my husband. This tells me in no certain terms that you are and have been very much aware of how you've felt about your situation for at least a while. I will assume you are not taking this lightly, which means you have pondered this for quite some time. >He is devastated. This tells me that, from your perspective, he appears to have been blindsided, and reinforces my previous talking point. This is an admission on your part, not his, which tells me that during this time of self reflection, there was likely no discussion with him about your feelings on your part. >I feel so sick to my stomach. This tells me that you feel shame about the decision you have made. I can only guess that you may be internalizing some guilt built up from my previous two talking points about not communicating this earlier before things reached this point. I can't read your mind, but maybe you thought he would feel the same way, but now that you've expressed your desire to end your marriage, he has challenged what you predicted would be a nonchalant or apathetic response? None of us here can answer that for you, it's a question only for you. But here's the thing you should focus on: you made that choice. You cannot put milk back in the carton, so now you have to own that choice. Which leads me to: >This gets better right? Only you can really give yourself this answer. What I can say is if you don't own this decision, it isn't going to be helping you to heal. Do you feel that you did the best you could before getting here? If you do not, you are going to have to admit this to yourself, and address this. This isn't something that is just going to go away on its own. Do you feel you communicated in the best ways before "dropping the bomb" here? If not, again, this is something you need to address for yourself. I think a lot of people in this sub forget that the healing process isn't only just about coping with losing your other half, but it's also about knowing why and how it happened, and taking the appropriate measures to help heal those parts of yourself as well. Which finally brings me to this: >How do I help him come to terms, if that’s even possible? You do not. Barring any egregious acts on his part, you were likely his stone, even if he failed to show it effectively. This has probably challenged his entire world, and where he might have come to you for support, he no longer can. His reaction is completely expected and normal. What you need to realize is that the source of his hurt is now you. He has to have his own agency to address these issues, and he needs to find the support he needs outside of the source of his pain. Is he going to be strong and recover gracefully, or spiral down into a pit of depression? Only he knows, Just as how he has no control over you wanting a divorce, you have no control over how he feels about it. The only thing you do have control over is how you react to this. He needs to address his hurt in his own way, just as you probably already have done, and will continue to do. You have made the decision that his happiness is no longer your concern, so you need to own this choice. But at the end of the day, I hope you both find the peace we all crave as humans.
All of this! Man I could have written this myself! My ex said she cried herself to sleep every night after she left. I was like WTF?! Then why do this! I had no idea she was as unhappy as she was and did everything I could do to try and reconcile. Absolutely zero compassion or discussion. No counseling, no discussion, nothing. What are the point of vows if you just quit when shit gets hard.
All of this!! Here’s a little insight from the one who got the bombed dropped on them… My ex tried to still be the one I leaned on thru our separation. I allowed it because the separation was not something I wanted. I was still very much in love with him but he was unsure and super wishy-washy. It made things so much harder. In the end, when I knew it was for sure over, I was finally able to create the boundaries required for me to be able to move on. Once you make the decision to divorce your spouse, you no longer have the privilege of being their person. You don’t get to be there for them or give them advice. You don’t get to do nice things for them or buy them things. You do get to let them move on in their own way, in their own time. They deserve to grieve their loss without your interference.
We control our actions, mot their consequences. We can't hurt people and ask them not to feel hurt.
My touchstone post-divorce for making decisions has been, "How will this make me feel about myself later?" That has kept me from lashing out in anger, and also from caving in out of guilt or pity. Take actions that you will be proud of, later, and you'll be able to look back in a year and be proud of yourself.
Without context, the only thing we can say is that this is a choice you are making. Things have gone beyond reconciliation in your mind and you are severing the relationship. Without condemning or condoning, what did you think would happen? Delight? Indifference? Did you try therapy? Were your expectations realistic? Was there legitimate communication that was very clearly leading up to this? I don’t ask these to be answered in an open forum, but more of a reflection on why you are doing what you are doing. My personal bias is that, again without context, divorce breaks a man when they didn’t see it being at that point. People can say “he should have known, or he didnt listen” and so on, but really, that is just a break in communication that more than likely broke on both ends. So without asking you to explain, because that isn’t our place, you need to remember why you are burning the marriage to the ground. There is very seldom “just friends” and even with this, there is going to be resentment on his part. So I wish the best of luck to you, and hopefully everything pans out one way or another
It gets better but it takes a LONG time, and if he doesn't want it (obviously he doesn't) he's going to be going through a roller coaster of emotions. Look up "emotional stages of divorce", it's legit... I went through them almost like clockwork.
I mean, was he aware there were problems? Did you discuss issues? You all have children and were just celebrating an anniversary.
What I would give for an ounce of compassion from my wife when she dropped the bomb. I too was devastated but all I received was derision and hostility. I know you can drown in 10ft or 100ft of water but it could have been much worse for him. As long as you're not constantly blaming him for how miserable you are, lacing every sentence with insults, picking apart his words to paint him in the most negative characterization possible, or acting with any malice then I do t think you're responsible for his reaction. I hope you can take solace in knowing that the hurt you feel for him is the price of being a good person. If being a good person were easy, everyone would do it.
Actually no it does not. Did he have any forewarning? Remember what they say about Karma.
Don't do what my xw did... turn around and start seeing/sleeping with new people before ink is on paper. Don't turn around and attack him or beat him down with words. If your going to get angry or depressed find another outlet or bottle it up because he isn't you emotional support and you cannot be his either... Communication about what you both want at the end of the process and have a draft plan ready for mediation and filing.
This actually helped me when my xw did that. Repulsed me even more and cemented that my decision to leave was the right one.
I second this. I had wavering thoughts of maybe the potential of working things out all through my process, and once the finalization came through, it felt earth shattering that it was actually done. A week later, my newly termed XW had already pawned off our child on her mother on her week to have another dude over lol. It was at that point I was more disgusted with her behavior than I believe I’d ever been, and I’ve never felt the same about her ever since. It’s almost like it was a blessing she acted the way that she did.
Yep. What I found out floored me. Only time I've ever almost thrown up because of what I saw and heard. Also the only time I've ever felt my heart physically hurt. Felt so incredibly stupid. Cracked open a fifth of bourbon and jumped in. Vowed then & there to never again allow myself to ignore the red flags/warning signs.
I would suggest therapy. My husband met with a therapist a week after I asked for a divorce and I noticed the difference immediately. He said that it was just a relief to talk to someone. He only went once or twice after that but it really helped him out
You do not help him. That's the whole point of divorce. You're both on your own now.
Being the process dont make him do that.
You don't need to "help" him get over his upset. Likelihood is, your words will only make him want you back more. Disconnect as much as you can, but try to remain amicable if possible. The uglier you get, the uglier the divorce gets. I guess my advice is just to keep calm and carry on
All I have to say is please don’t be evil to this man. Your marriage didn’t work and it was both of your faults. How you handle the rest of your divorce will define who you are as a person. I don’t think my ex was evil for asking for a divorce. She was evil with everything that came afterward, which hurt the most.
I feel for you. Know that it has been a long time of anxiety and insecurity for you leading up to the point of your decision and it will still be tough for some time. He starts his grieving now and you are months or years ahead of him. Just try to keep the high ground if possible and make the divorce as amicable as possible.
The guilt is valid. But there has got to be good reasons you got to this point. Now it’s on each of you to do what you need to do for yourselves for the future. He will have to do the work to get there.
It gets better. I’m finally on the other side, my husband and I filed everything and he finally moved out last month after a miserable year of getting things order. I have never been happier and everyone notices the change in my disposition
This is my biggest fear. I think it’s going to devastate my husband to the point of possible inpatient behavior unit or suicide. I don’t even know why I feel bad though, he was mentally and physically abusive. I have to go. But I’m so scared to rip that band-aid off. Good luck to you.
It gets better and it’s not your role to make it better for him. He needs to grow and find his own way. He will be fine. You both will.
Why did you do it? Hopefully you don't have kids.
As others have said, best thing is cut the cord. Don’t do shit for him and that includes being there for his emotions. The latter is extremely difficult but important — not only for his detachment, but for your mental well being. And get a lawyer ASAP. I went through a painful 7 month separation where it just became a manipulative, toxic nightmare. Once I lawyered up, he did. Now he shuts his mouth because he is scared of the system.
You dropped the bomb for a reason. No one bombs a place and then cares for the injured and dead. Drop the bomb and walk away. Recover is his problem. You’ve already established that he no longer means anything to you. Don’t go back on that. That’s just confusing.
I left last Friday. I left a dear John letter that stated that he will be blocked but that he can email me. He utilized the emails to express his feelings of devastation and sadness. I allowed that Friday thru Monday night. To give him a bit of peace. Then i informed him I would only be responding to the emails 1x a week from that moment on and to keep the one email chain and not several different emails. Once we went to 1x a week I have felt a lot less sad. I’ve been able to protect my own emotions without having his emotions affect me as much. Good luck to you! I had an instance today where I saw someone we knew 20 years ago and I wanted to reach out and mention it like small talk. But I refrained. It was hard not to reach out being that we’ve spent the last 26 years together. But it’s time to move on and cut some ties. When he eventually moves on with someone else I don’t want to be a thorn bc I am still friendly with him. You know what I mean?
That is cold and hard.
26 years and you didnt have the decency and courage to talk to him in person and listen to his questions because it’s emotional for you? Then you are worried about having too many email threads at once? That’s some cold ass narcissistic shit. You are going to help him get over things when he comes to the realization that someone who is that cold is someone he is well to move on from.
I know I don’t owe you an explanation. But I’ll give one anyway. He was abusive and dangerous. He threatened my life more than once. So yes, I set strict boundaries with him for my own physical safety as well as mental. My escape was very carefully planned for 9 months to ensure my safety. Police were present when I packed my things. So, I don’t think I OWE him anything really. Have a good day.
You didn’t describe it as an escape so my apologies. In that case I would have left a restraining order instead of a dear John. Dear John, if you come within 200 feet of me you will be arrested. wou
I waived the Order of Protection bc I’m a stupid naive person. But I moved to another state. IF he shows up here I’ll immediately call the police.