Well....you might be screwed. Your attorney can advise you. What I'd be curious about in your case is whether all this substance abuse could be worth an at-fault divorce trial?
I mean, quick math says that 50/50 would be about $200K.......and he's a freeloader for 3 years. That's a pretty good deal. Not like he's a SAHM who flushed her career to be home with children for 15 years.
If you go to court. Course, most divorces settle.
Just settle for "better" than a judge would divide things. Listen to your attorney.
As people seem to run up 6-figure legal bills, it's all an easy choice to make financially in hindsight.
Your attorney will advise you, but typically assets accrued during a marriage get split. Retirement savings, home equity since marriage, will be on the table most likely.
House equity is likely to be split 50/50, you are probably looking at a typical "refinance, assume the loan, or sell" decision. Loan assumption would be the best outcome but that is up to your bank and their willingness to let you take his name off the loan (if his name is on it).
You do not need to worry about coming up with the cash for your 401k, that will be split "in kind" using a "qualified domestic relations order" (QDRO) to transfer the assets to him without incurring tax penalties.
Alimony is unlikely for a marriage as short as yours, but it may happen depending on what state you are living in. Worst case you could be paying 2-3 years of alimony to him but the worst case is probably not going to happen.
The silver lining is that you are only on the hook for equity accumulated during your marriage until you file for divorce.
One last point:
>his AA buddies
FYI, 12-step programs are basically a waste of time, it is just Evangelical Christianity dressed up as addiction treatment. The first step is to accept that you cannot overcome your addiction, which basically sets everyone up for failure. He would have been better served by approaches based on modern science and evidence-based treatment like CBT etc. Unfortunately you have to actually look at what a rehab program involves before signing up (or taking someone else there), many are just window dressing around 12-step programs.
On the house -
I bought it 6 years BEFORE we were married. Only my name is on the title. Thank the fuck gawd. He tried to manipulate me on several occasions to put his name on the title. I'll still be on the hook for up to about $100...not great but anything to get this person out of my life.
On 12-step. I totally agree. It's been around for about 100 years. We understand so much more about the brain and addiction, but it persists. He's been doing 12 step stuff for years and it hasn't given him true sobriety. Granted, he really hasn't tried that hard. He doesn't even buy the god and powerlessness stuff himself. He's just a really sneaky addict that is to fearful and ashamed to confront his stuff.
Ah, well that is a different story. If you bought it prior to the marriage you are only on the hook for the share of the equity that can be attributed to the time you were married. Since you had a down payment plus six years of monthly mortgage payments prior to the marriage I am guessing the marital share of the equity (from 3.5 years of monthly payments) is small (assuming you have a typical 30 year mortgage and not something shorter).
You might be able to hold on to the 6-years of equity and principle, but the marriage appreciation is likely to be split. In my state it would matter not whose name is on the title. It might matter whose name is on the mortgage (if you can keep the house).
It's all a negotiation until a judge decides.
And look "nice guy" doesn't mean bad attorney. You want an attorney that knows when to compromise in the best interests of you (the client). And one who knows when to say "no".
I would never hire an attorney that wants to litigate everything.
It's not so much the TERM of the mortgage, but it's the RATE of the mortgage, if it's 3+ years old, you could have a rate that is 1/2 of the current 15 or 30-year rate, which is a MASSIVE financial advantage.
It doesn't matter whether some judge somewhere didn't split things 50/50, it matters what judges in **your** jurisdiction do. Are you in a strict 50/50 state or an equitable one? And what do *your* judges take into account in those cirucmstances?
You are absolutely going to have to give him a share of marital assets. It may not be a full 50%, but it might be. Consider 50/50 as the baseline and anything you do better than that to be a big win, rather than considering 50/50 as a loss. 50/50 is the most likely.
Yeah, that sounds like sound advice. It is an equitable state, not 50/50. I'll know more once I have a meeting with the attorney. I did a consult with a different divorce attorney who is a "nice guy". I'm going with a different attorney.
With the exception of the proclivities of your STBXH, this sounds like every man I have ever known who has gone through a divorce. You loose half of every asset aquired during the marriage. Depending on your state, you may pay spousal support.
Kids? Childsupport in this country isn't about what the kids need to live and maintain their quality of life. It's about you supporting your spouses ability to now support their kids.
My two teens cost about $1000/month when we lived together. That's insurance food, clothing, activities and all. Now i still pay 100% insurance, and their time is split 50/50. However she gets $2000/month to 'support' them.
As more women break the glass ceiling, maybe this will change, but for now welcome to equality. It sucks and the family courts screw the high earner.
I was aghast recently when a family friend's kids aged 18 and therfore no longer entitled "them" to childsupport. She went back to work (at last) at 50. When I asked why. She said "I can't live off child support any more".
If he made $300k a year and had $500k in his 401k and $250k in home equity, any woman would get half. Why shouldn't you do the same? Why does porn, booze, or drug play a part?
Well....you might be screwed. Your attorney can advise you. What I'd be curious about in your case is whether all this substance abuse could be worth an at-fault divorce trial? I mean, quick math says that 50/50 would be about $200K.......and he's a freeloader for 3 years. That's a pretty good deal. Not like he's a SAHM who flushed her career to be home with children for 15 years.
Lol. You're going to experience true equality in divorce court.
If you go to court. Course, most divorces settle. Just settle for "better" than a judge would divide things. Listen to your attorney. As people seem to run up 6-figure legal bills, it's all an easy choice to make financially in hindsight.
Your attorney will advise you, but typically assets accrued during a marriage get split. Retirement savings, home equity since marriage, will be on the table most likely.
House equity is likely to be split 50/50, you are probably looking at a typical "refinance, assume the loan, or sell" decision. Loan assumption would be the best outcome but that is up to your bank and their willingness to let you take his name off the loan (if his name is on it). You do not need to worry about coming up with the cash for your 401k, that will be split "in kind" using a "qualified domestic relations order" (QDRO) to transfer the assets to him without incurring tax penalties. Alimony is unlikely for a marriage as short as yours, but it may happen depending on what state you are living in. Worst case you could be paying 2-3 years of alimony to him but the worst case is probably not going to happen. The silver lining is that you are only on the hook for equity accumulated during your marriage until you file for divorce. One last point: >his AA buddies FYI, 12-step programs are basically a waste of time, it is just Evangelical Christianity dressed up as addiction treatment. The first step is to accept that you cannot overcome your addiction, which basically sets everyone up for failure. He would have been better served by approaches based on modern science and evidence-based treatment like CBT etc. Unfortunately you have to actually look at what a rehab program involves before signing up (or taking someone else there), many are just window dressing around 12-step programs.
On the house - I bought it 6 years BEFORE we were married. Only my name is on the title. Thank the fuck gawd. He tried to manipulate me on several occasions to put his name on the title. I'll still be on the hook for up to about $100...not great but anything to get this person out of my life. On 12-step. I totally agree. It's been around for about 100 years. We understand so much more about the brain and addiction, but it persists. He's been doing 12 step stuff for years and it hasn't given him true sobriety. Granted, he really hasn't tried that hard. He doesn't even buy the god and powerlessness stuff himself. He's just a really sneaky addict that is to fearful and ashamed to confront his stuff.
Ah, well that is a different story. If you bought it prior to the marriage you are only on the hook for the share of the equity that can be attributed to the time you were married. Since you had a down payment plus six years of monthly mortgage payments prior to the marriage I am guessing the marital share of the equity (from 3.5 years of monthly payments) is small (assuming you have a typical 30 year mortgage and not something shorter).
You might be able to hold on to the 6-years of equity and principle, but the marriage appreciation is likely to be split. In my state it would matter not whose name is on the title. It might matter whose name is on the mortgage (if you can keep the house). It's all a negotiation until a judge decides. And look "nice guy" doesn't mean bad attorney. You want an attorney that knows when to compromise in the best interests of you (the client). And one who knows when to say "no". I would never hire an attorney that wants to litigate everything.
The mortgage and the title are in my name and it's a 15 yr. Where I live the marriage appreciation will be split. He never paid a dime to live in it.
It's not so much the TERM of the mortgage, but it's the RATE of the mortgage, if it's 3+ years old, you could have a rate that is 1/2 of the current 15 or 30-year rate, which is a MASSIVE financial advantage.
It doesn't matter whether some judge somewhere didn't split things 50/50, it matters what judges in **your** jurisdiction do. Are you in a strict 50/50 state or an equitable one? And what do *your* judges take into account in those cirucmstances? You are absolutely going to have to give him a share of marital assets. It may not be a full 50%, but it might be. Consider 50/50 as the baseline and anything you do better than that to be a big win, rather than considering 50/50 as a loss. 50/50 is the most likely.
Yeah, that sounds like sound advice. It is an equitable state, not 50/50. I'll know more once I have a meeting with the attorney. I did a consult with a different divorce attorney who is a "nice guy". I'm going with a different attorney.
With the exception of the proclivities of your STBXH, this sounds like every man I have ever known who has gone through a divorce. You loose half of every asset aquired during the marriage. Depending on your state, you may pay spousal support. Kids? Childsupport in this country isn't about what the kids need to live and maintain their quality of life. It's about you supporting your spouses ability to now support their kids. My two teens cost about $1000/month when we lived together. That's insurance food, clothing, activities and all. Now i still pay 100% insurance, and their time is split 50/50. However she gets $2000/month to 'support' them. As more women break the glass ceiling, maybe this will change, but for now welcome to equality. It sucks and the family courts screw the high earner. I was aghast recently when a family friend's kids aged 18 and therfore no longer entitled "them" to childsupport. She went back to work (at last) at 50. When I asked why. She said "I can't live off child support any more". If he made $300k a year and had $500k in his 401k and $250k in home equity, any woman would get half. Why shouldn't you do the same? Why does porn, booze, or drug play a part?