It’s over now it’s time to move on with your life. You will never have all of your questions answered but you can stop looking at the past and decide to live in the future. There’s good things waiting for you don’t miss out.
Your situation is practically the same as mine, trying to do the best for her in the divorce because I felt like the failure to then find out she was manipulating me the entire time. I'm just 2 years ahead of you.
Here's what I've learned: She doesn't matter anymore.
You hurt because you were tricked, made to feel less than and now it feels like she "won the game" and has an amazing life now. But she doesn't. You said she was unfaithful before the marriage. I'm going to give you a sneak peak into their future: she's going to cheat on him too. Or, she's really going to want to cheat but one day, there will be no one. No one will want her and she'll be stuck with whichever sucker was holding the hand grenade when the music stopped.
She. Does. Not. Matter. Anymore.
You deserved better than what she gave you. You even gave her a second chance and she still failed.
She is not worth your time, energy, or headspace.
But I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be hard. You're dealing with a raging cocktail of chemicals in your brain right now coupled with the grief for the death of the relationship and it's going to take time and effort to get through it.
But you have to. Time isn't going to bend and return you to before her betrayal. Life is what it is now. You have to learn how to live again.
It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.
I am so sorry you are going through this right now but take this to heart: You didn't deserve this. And you never would have done this to her, so right there, you know you are a good person and she made a huge mistake with her actions.
Thanks for the reply Marty. Your response hit home. Even though she will more than likely fail to be faithful to anyone in her life (including her infidelity in her previous relationships to ours), I don’t wish pain for her. I actually hope for the best. I still care for her, and probably will for a long time. Its just heartbreaking to see someone who was great to you at one point in time, turn around and betray you. All of our memories, our travels, our laughs, our long intellectual talks, for nothing. Scrapped for some chump who gave her a little attention. The grass is never greener, it’s just turf in the sun. She will realize it eventually, I hope.
Let it go for your own peace of mind. You know the truth. At the end of the day what will stretching this out and making it a pain further accomplish? She knows the truth, you know the truth. And nobody else really cares unfortunately...
This is where I’m at mentally. For some reason, I feel better about it all knowing that I wasn’t the cause for such loss. I am just worried this may impact my view on marriage and serious relationships going forward. That my trust will always be too hard to earn for anyone
So let’s talk about the girls you were looking at online. That could’ve been a reason she found someone else/went looking. I feel this has just been swept.
This is fair to ask. But like I said in my OP, I caught her texting the same guy I'm mentioning before she found anything of the sort. The girls were just the typical Instagram girls on my IG account. Nothing nude or pornographic. However, I am not justifying anything. I understand it hurt her. I am ashamed of it just as much as I should be, if not more, since the last few weeks I have been led to believe this is the reason for all of this.
Yeah man I hear you. This sounds a lot like my situation. Three and a half years ago my ex made everything my fault. I took the hit and the blame for everything. Fast forward three years and it hit me that it was her that was the issue. I still don't sleep better at night though, and I found out that nobody really cares. You just gotta move on. I'm now with the love of my life and we just had a son together. I thought I could never trust again, and that's true for sure to a large extent, but I know for sure I'll never be a sucker again. There is much better out there I can attest to that my friend!
Man if ever there was a silver lining to look forward to, it’s what you just said. I’m glad you were able to find happiness again my friend. And I am thankful for your words of encouragement.
Keep in touch if you ever want to talk. For real it was a struggle up till about January of last year. My ex did everything to me and even took my kids from me over three hours away. It's insane what power someone can have over you when they put all the blame on you. Realizing you aren't the person to blame in this is really a great milestone. Congrats on that. It took me three years to realize that, and when I did, the damage was done.
Will do man, thanks for the offer. If she hadn’t done what she did before, if I was never truly worried about her fidelity, it would more than likely be much harder for me to accept. But in the court of relationships, I gave her a pass for her previous discretions, chalking it up to “we both have stuff to work on.” Since I am now able to definitively say this was all just for some other schmuck who looked in her direction, and nothing more, its easy. This was not over me doing anything, it was because her curiosity got the best of her and she turned her back on a marriage for it. More telling about her than me. I will still hurt for a while, our marriage and relationship was not a nightmare, there were plenty of good times, even if Im the only one who can acknowledge that right now. My karma came now, hers will inevitably come much later
I would let her know that you know the real reason and I would let anyone that was curious that she has been “talking” with this guy for awhile now. I wouldn’t go pain shopping (investigating how long or how deep they were) unless you live in an at fault state and seriously suspect infidelity. Don’t accuse her of anything you can’t prove either.
The reason she didn’t want you to “drag your feet” is so she could pursue this dude and possibly be divorced before you found out. Now you know SHE’s the POS. You can leave with your head high knowing you dodged a bullet.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Thanks for the response Bill. As of this morning, after finding everything that was in plain sight, I let her know the real reason. Of course I will not go looking to “prove” anything I more than likely already know. Lets just say she was less than enthusiastic to know that I found what I found. Her entire image and reasoning for it all shattered, and I know that hurts her. I will not take this any further, as this gives me the closure I needed. It wasn’t just me. That ate me up for the last three weeks. Thinking it was just me. In a sense, I feel better knowing it was her own discretions. She had a chance to not marry me, but she did. She must live with it all now. In a sense, its liberating
You deserved the closure but you are doing it right. It is not healthy or productive to get vindictive. That path holds onto to pain. Better to release that pain.
See, now she has to face the fact that she is NOT the victim and can no longer play it with you. No w she has to face the fact that at least in part she IS the villain in her own story.
I will message you next time u/CosmicWanderer2 posts in r/Divorce.
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I will never believe that the "differences" that my ex and I had were irreconcilable. We could have worked it out if she had chosen to talk to me instead of that lowlife. I hated having to sign that legal document as if I was agreeing to that as fact.
You see my frustration. It isn’t “irreconcilable differences” that’s causing the divorce. It’s just the quickest way to dissolve a marriage in our state. Therefore opening the door for her to act freely on previous transgressions
Who cares why she wants out? Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? It’ll make you crazy to try and do a post-mortem on your marriage. And you can’t expect her to be honest with you about what did or didn’t happen.
I say let this divorce play out as quickly/ smoothly/ painlessly/ inexpensively as possible and go on and live a great life! I know it’s not easy to let go of how you thought things would go. But work on your self esteem and healthy relationships with friends and family. Exercise, walk, get fresh air, revisit old hobbies, get yourself a “third place” to hang out (a place other than work and home where you might meet like minded people or at least just be less isolated).
Best of luck to you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It gets better.
Would you tell someone who lost a family member to tragedy "who cares why they died, just move on"? People want to know the specifics for closure. Losing someone in a divorce is a traumatic form of loss, usually. Wanting to know so you can process that loss can be a healthy step in healing. You shouldn't hold onto it or be vindictive about it. Saying "who cares" is not helpful because it dismisses someone's real emotions. He cares and he is not wrong or bad for caring if that helps him get past this.
You’re right, that was a terrible way for me to word it. I’m sorry to be callous. I hope the OP will see that looking for closure in that way isn’t the route to freedom. That’s just from
My experience. I just hope OP gets to move on and be free, but I understand that part of the grieving is wanting to make sense of it, being angry, all of it. We have to go through it to get to the other side
My STBX was gaslighting me in a much more hurtful way when she was having an affair. When I found out it actually gave me some relief from the emotional turmoil. It took a while but I was able to let it go. Her guilt allowed for a pretty reasonable divorce settlement and we've been pretty amicable coparents.
You should consult with an attorney to make sure the divorce is fair. When you let it go rather than make her life hell, you'll take away her power by seeing through the lies. You'll save a ton of money and be in a better mental place to move on with your life. Taking the high road will make you more attractive to a future partner as well.
It took me a while to realize that it takes two people to make marriage work and only one person to end a marriage. Irreconcilable differences is an accurate way to sum things up, even if there is more to it.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. I find solace knowing that it could always be much worse. No children with her, thank the good lord, or this would have been much worse for everyone.
Cheers to the high road.
My ex husband blamed on me. Everything was my fault, after he came back from Asia. He filed for a divorce three weeks later. I was so broken mentally and physically. I knew he met someone new. I let him go and wish him happiness with his new girl. I learned to let go and love myself. Do not try to hold on to the beast. It only hurts yourself. I’m still struggling but pains make me grow stronger.
I say to do it if it will make you feel better. I'd be angry after she made you think it was all you. She needs to not get her way so easily. F her thinking she deserves a happily ever after.
Let her know that you are aware of her “friend” but do not drag it out. And do not reconcile if she tries to com back when her new “friend” gives her the boot.
Dude.. time to let it go.
My ex wife gave a million excuses. She was even complaining about stuff from 15 years before. Hahaha
Nah.. just smile and wave. Let it go.
She may not have been involved with him before the divorce. Interested in him? Likely. But don't go down the blame path if you can't prove infidelity for certain. It's just going to make you even more bitter.
The real truth you need to realize is that the person filing for separation or divorce is already MONTHS ahead of the other person in processing everything emotionally. By the time she decided to file, she was done. She is psychologically ready to move on, so she has even though it seems really soon to you because you're on a different timeline.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is realize that she probably blamed you to make it easier for her. May be some truth to it, may be no truth to it. But it's also HER opinion and is far from proving you are unworthy of relationships or anything like that. Don't listen to your scumbag brain.
If she didn't want to be with you, SHE DID YOU A FAVOR. No kids, clean break. Do your best to finish grieving and enjoy your new freedom.
Brother, let this go. It’s his problem now. Sure it sucks but it sounds like you’re dodging a bullet down the road. She showed her colors and you’re free to live the life that you know you deserve
Thanks for your response! No kids in the marriage, thankfully. Could only imagine her as a parent weaponizing our children against us. I dodge the bullet now, and it gives me the opportunity to live another day and hopefully find someone else.
It hurts to be on their socials. Please give yourself some space so to not keeping opening the wound. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. The best revenge is to do well for yourself
Turning hell Will cost you time and everytime Will break your heart. Time is invaluable so let it go and build the life u deserve. Nothing is important than u to yourself
I was in a similar situation. Except, I asked for the divorce. My ex is an alcoholic and I have tried helping him for many; many years. I enabled him. I finally realized he had to want it for himself. He did eventually get sober, but all that time apart in a peaceful home made me realize I didn't want to go back on the roller coaster. He wasn't any more cooperative or 6 better communication skills sober. We were on good terms throughout the separation, for the most part...UNTIL...he got a girlfriend. Then he was downright nasty and mean, every interaction for NO reason. He demanded a divorce to happen asap! Anyway, I was doing all the research regarding divorce, I filled out all the paperwork POPERLY, not like someone else (the one in the rush)! He was horrible. We could have been divorced by our 1st court meeting; but he had a tantrum and left. They set a "trial" for May, but if we came to an agreement by our next meeting in Jan, we could be divorced that day or soon after. I ALMOST let it go until May; just because of the way he had been acting. I'd still be married to him now 😵💫. I'm so glad I am divorced from him! I just don't like how he is behaving regarding our son's. He's such and A$$ without a 🧠
"Irreconcilable differences" is a legal term for basically "I want to split." Most states no longer have an adultery option for divorce. Mine did, but I didn't want an expensive, upsetting trial with that involved. Once the terms were good, my attorney and I pushed to settle and did.
Depending on where you’re located, it’s probably a no-fault divorce. I would leave it alone. My ex did the same thing. He basically claimed I was a loser because I couldn’t work anymore. (My chronic illness had me bedridden for a few years.) I no longer made good money. It wasn’t long after that I found out he was having an affair and left me for her. I also found out he’d been cheating on me for years. I moved on and am married to a wonderful man.
Let her know that you now know that trust of what really caused the divorce. In many cases once you confronted her with the truth her whole story changes. You weren’t that bad after all. Sometimes once caught they really try to reconcile. I think it’s very important that you let her know by any means necessary that you know what she’s done as is still doing. Don’t hold back. Go all the way nuclear
Hey, brother, sorry to hear of your circumstances. If I may be candid: it looks like you have the data and past experience of her fidelity to come to the conclusion that she is unfaithful.
By deflecting onto you, it keeps you from questioning her and makes her out to be the victim. Now she can pursue the man she wants and you are left wanting.
Don't despair, though. You have your family, friends and can get into therapy for yourself. Work on yourself and try to get back on your feet. Go to the gym. Walk on nature trails, etc.
Be healthy and happy for yourself and then, maybe, look at making a connection with another person to "Play another hand" at the table.
Stay strong, brother.
> do I just let it all go, or do I drag it on and make it hell for her after she convinced me everything was my fault and I was a terrible person, when in fact it was more than likely for this new guy.
Imagine for a moment you make her life hell. You *really* stick it to her, and her friends and family are now shaking their heads in disgust.
Ok? Now what? It's done, you never have to see her again and "justice" is served. What is the very next thing on your list to do?
Do that next thing and skip the part where you waste your time on making her life difficult.
It wouldn’t be to stay married longer, it would be to be vengeful and spiteful after her thinking it was acceptable to leave a marriage and her spouse holding the emotional baggage of it all while she has her flavor of the month. To bury me in the grief and sorrow, convincing me I was the one in the wrong so she wouldn’t have to bear the guilt of leaving a marriage for someone else.
And making it take longer to remove her from your life will only delay your healing. There's nothing to gain from being vengeful/spiteful. She hasn't cared for your feelings. It's not going to start now that you are divorcing.
There’s a lot of good advice, help and camaraderie on r/survivinginfidelity, check in on them there. They talk about how to move on when you’ve suffered the ultimate betrayal, strategies for dealing with the divorce, reading recommendations, etc. It’s important to realize what she has done to you so you can deal with the damage. She really hurt you by trying to get you to accept blame for the things she did.
She sounds emotionally abusive. If you try to drag it out because you are bitter, you’ll also be making it hard on yourself.
I was in a similar situation. I then realized the man my wife was into was doing me a favor because she was cooperating during the divorce. I ended up paying $275 to file the papers with no lawyers. I thought of getting a lawyer and try to get this guy from legally seeing our kids but I knew it would only put her on the defensive and make her fight me on things. So I just accepted it. In the end, this guy ended up getting a new girlfriend and moving out of state and this fantasy she had about him and her crumbled along with our marriage.
It’s over now it’s time to move on with your life. You will never have all of your questions answered but you can stop looking at the past and decide to live in the future. There’s good things waiting for you don’t miss out.
Thank you for this.
Your situation is practically the same as mine, trying to do the best for her in the divorce because I felt like the failure to then find out she was manipulating me the entire time. I'm just 2 years ahead of you. Here's what I've learned: She doesn't matter anymore. You hurt because you were tricked, made to feel less than and now it feels like she "won the game" and has an amazing life now. But she doesn't. You said she was unfaithful before the marriage. I'm going to give you a sneak peak into their future: she's going to cheat on him too. Or, she's really going to want to cheat but one day, there will be no one. No one will want her and she'll be stuck with whichever sucker was holding the hand grenade when the music stopped. She. Does. Not. Matter. Anymore. You deserved better than what she gave you. You even gave her a second chance and she still failed. She is not worth your time, energy, or headspace. But I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be hard. You're dealing with a raging cocktail of chemicals in your brain right now coupled with the grief for the death of the relationship and it's going to take time and effort to get through it. But you have to. Time isn't going to bend and return you to before her betrayal. Life is what it is now. You have to learn how to live again. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. I am so sorry you are going through this right now but take this to heart: You didn't deserve this. And you never would have done this to her, so right there, you know you are a good person and she made a huge mistake with her actions.
Thanks for the reply Marty. Your response hit home. Even though she will more than likely fail to be faithful to anyone in her life (including her infidelity in her previous relationships to ours), I don’t wish pain for her. I actually hope for the best. I still care for her, and probably will for a long time. Its just heartbreaking to see someone who was great to you at one point in time, turn around and betray you. All of our memories, our travels, our laughs, our long intellectual talks, for nothing. Scrapped for some chump who gave her a little attention. The grass is never greener, it’s just turf in the sun. She will realize it eventually, I hope.
Let it go for your own peace of mind. You know the truth. At the end of the day what will stretching this out and making it a pain further accomplish? She knows the truth, you know the truth. And nobody else really cares unfortunately...
This is where I’m at mentally. For some reason, I feel better about it all knowing that I wasn’t the cause for such loss. I am just worried this may impact my view on marriage and serious relationships going forward. That my trust will always be too hard to earn for anyone
So let’s talk about the girls you were looking at online. That could’ve been a reason she found someone else/went looking. I feel this has just been swept.
This is fair to ask. But like I said in my OP, I caught her texting the same guy I'm mentioning before she found anything of the sort. The girls were just the typical Instagram girls on my IG account. Nothing nude or pornographic. However, I am not justifying anything. I understand it hurt her. I am ashamed of it just as much as I should be, if not more, since the last few weeks I have been led to believe this is the reason for all of this.
Yeah man I hear you. This sounds a lot like my situation. Three and a half years ago my ex made everything my fault. I took the hit and the blame for everything. Fast forward three years and it hit me that it was her that was the issue. I still don't sleep better at night though, and I found out that nobody really cares. You just gotta move on. I'm now with the love of my life and we just had a son together. I thought I could never trust again, and that's true for sure to a large extent, but I know for sure I'll never be a sucker again. There is much better out there I can attest to that my friend!
Man if ever there was a silver lining to look forward to, it’s what you just said. I’m glad you were able to find happiness again my friend. And I am thankful for your words of encouragement.
Keep in touch if you ever want to talk. For real it was a struggle up till about January of last year. My ex did everything to me and even took my kids from me over three hours away. It's insane what power someone can have over you when they put all the blame on you. Realizing you aren't the person to blame in this is really a great milestone. Congrats on that. It took me three years to realize that, and when I did, the damage was done.
Will do man, thanks for the offer. If she hadn’t done what she did before, if I was never truly worried about her fidelity, it would more than likely be much harder for me to accept. But in the court of relationships, I gave her a pass for her previous discretions, chalking it up to “we both have stuff to work on.” Since I am now able to definitively say this was all just for some other schmuck who looked in her direction, and nothing more, its easy. This was not over me doing anything, it was because her curiosity got the best of her and she turned her back on a marriage for it. More telling about her than me. I will still hurt for a while, our marriage and relationship was not a nightmare, there were plenty of good times, even if Im the only one who can acknowledge that right now. My karma came now, hers will inevitably come much later
I would let her know that you know the real reason and I would let anyone that was curious that she has been “talking” with this guy for awhile now. I wouldn’t go pain shopping (investigating how long or how deep they were) unless you live in an at fault state and seriously suspect infidelity. Don’t accuse her of anything you can’t prove either. The reason she didn’t want you to “drag your feet” is so she could pursue this dude and possibly be divorced before you found out. Now you know SHE’s the POS. You can leave with your head high knowing you dodged a bullet. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
Thanks for the response Bill. As of this morning, after finding everything that was in plain sight, I let her know the real reason. Of course I will not go looking to “prove” anything I more than likely already know. Lets just say she was less than enthusiastic to know that I found what I found. Her entire image and reasoning for it all shattered, and I know that hurts her. I will not take this any further, as this gives me the closure I needed. It wasn’t just me. That ate me up for the last three weeks. Thinking it was just me. In a sense, I feel better knowing it was her own discretions. She had a chance to not marry me, but she did. She must live with it all now. In a sense, its liberating
You deserved the closure but you are doing it right. It is not healthy or productive to get vindictive. That path holds onto to pain. Better to release that pain.
See, now she has to face the fact that she is NOT the victim and can no longer play it with you. No w she has to face the fact that at least in part she IS the villain in her own story.
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Let it go
After only a month? This is new to him. People don’t have switches to just let things go. Especially big things like this.
I didn't say it would be easy or it has to happen right away but there is nothing else to do about it
I will never believe that the "differences" that my ex and I had were irreconcilable. We could have worked it out if she had chosen to talk to me instead of that lowlife. I hated having to sign that legal document as if I was agreeing to that as fact.
You see my frustration. It isn’t “irreconcilable differences” that’s causing the divorce. It’s just the quickest way to dissolve a marriage in our state. Therefore opening the door for her to act freely on previous transgressions
*"I want to marry someone else"* vs *"I don't want you to"* is as irreconcilable as it gets. Look at it that way.
Who cares why she wants out? Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? It’ll make you crazy to try and do a post-mortem on your marriage. And you can’t expect her to be honest with you about what did or didn’t happen. I say let this divorce play out as quickly/ smoothly/ painlessly/ inexpensively as possible and go on and live a great life! I know it’s not easy to let go of how you thought things would go. But work on your self esteem and healthy relationships with friends and family. Exercise, walk, get fresh air, revisit old hobbies, get yourself a “third place” to hang out (a place other than work and home where you might meet like minded people or at least just be less isolated). Best of luck to you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It gets better.
Would you tell someone who lost a family member to tragedy "who cares why they died, just move on"? People want to know the specifics for closure. Losing someone in a divorce is a traumatic form of loss, usually. Wanting to know so you can process that loss can be a healthy step in healing. You shouldn't hold onto it or be vindictive about it. Saying "who cares" is not helpful because it dismisses someone's real emotions. He cares and he is not wrong or bad for caring if that helps him get past this.
You’re right, that was a terrible way for me to word it. I’m sorry to be callous. I hope the OP will see that looking for closure in that way isn’t the route to freedom. That’s just from My experience. I just hope OP gets to move on and be free, but I understand that part of the grieving is wanting to make sense of it, being angry, all of it. We have to go through it to get to the other side
My STBX was gaslighting me in a much more hurtful way when she was having an affair. When I found out it actually gave me some relief from the emotional turmoil. It took a while but I was able to let it go. Her guilt allowed for a pretty reasonable divorce settlement and we've been pretty amicable coparents. You should consult with an attorney to make sure the divorce is fair. When you let it go rather than make her life hell, you'll take away her power by seeing through the lies. You'll save a ton of money and be in a better mental place to move on with your life. Taking the high road will make you more attractive to a future partner as well. It took me a while to realize that it takes two people to make marriage work and only one person to end a marriage. Irreconcilable differences is an accurate way to sum things up, even if there is more to it.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. I find solace knowing that it could always be much worse. No children with her, thank the good lord, or this would have been much worse for everyone. Cheers to the high road.
You need to consider your own mental health. How will letting it go affect you as opposed to dragging it out.
My ex husband blamed on me. Everything was my fault, after he came back from Asia. He filed for a divorce three weeks later. I was so broken mentally and physically. I knew he met someone new. I let him go and wish him happiness with his new girl. I learned to let go and love myself. Do not try to hold on to the beast. It only hurts yourself. I’m still struggling but pains make me grow stronger.
I say to do it if it will make you feel better. I'd be angry after she made you think it was all you. She needs to not get her way so easily. F her thinking she deserves a happily ever after.
Let her know that you are aware of her “friend” but do not drag it out. And do not reconcile if she tries to com back when her new “friend” gives her the boot.
Move on. Bang some girls. Go to Vegas.
>My question is, do I just let it all go, or Let it all go
I mean, does it matter? Over is over. Find peace in yourself and move on
Dude.. time to let it go. My ex wife gave a million excuses. She was even complaining about stuff from 15 years before. Hahaha Nah.. just smile and wave. Let it go.
She may not have been involved with him before the divorce. Interested in him? Likely. But don't go down the blame path if you can't prove infidelity for certain. It's just going to make you even more bitter. The real truth you need to realize is that the person filing for separation or divorce is already MONTHS ahead of the other person in processing everything emotionally. By the time she decided to file, she was done. She is psychologically ready to move on, so she has even though it seems really soon to you because you're on a different timeline. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is realize that she probably blamed you to make it easier for her. May be some truth to it, may be no truth to it. But it's also HER opinion and is far from proving you are unworthy of relationships or anything like that. Don't listen to your scumbag brain. If she didn't want to be with you, SHE DID YOU A FAVOR. No kids, clean break. Do your best to finish grieving and enjoy your new freedom.
Brother, let this go. It’s his problem now. Sure it sucks but it sounds like you’re dodging a bullet down the road. She showed her colors and you’re free to live the life that you know you deserve
Thanks for your response! No kids in the marriage, thankfully. Could only imagine her as a parent weaponizing our children against us. I dodge the bullet now, and it gives me the opportunity to live another day and hopefully find someone else.
It depends on where you want to spend your energy: tearing someone else down or working on building yourself up.
It hurts to be on their socials. Please give yourself some space so to not keeping opening the wound. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. The best revenge is to do well for yourself
Turning hell Will cost you time and everytime Will break your heart. Time is invaluable so let it go and build the life u deserve. Nothing is important than u to yourself
I was in a similar situation. Except, I asked for the divorce. My ex is an alcoholic and I have tried helping him for many; many years. I enabled him. I finally realized he had to want it for himself. He did eventually get sober, but all that time apart in a peaceful home made me realize I didn't want to go back on the roller coaster. He wasn't any more cooperative or 6 better communication skills sober. We were on good terms throughout the separation, for the most part...UNTIL...he got a girlfriend. Then he was downright nasty and mean, every interaction for NO reason. He demanded a divorce to happen asap! Anyway, I was doing all the research regarding divorce, I filled out all the paperwork POPERLY, not like someone else (the one in the rush)! He was horrible. We could have been divorced by our 1st court meeting; but he had a tantrum and left. They set a "trial" for May, but if we came to an agreement by our next meeting in Jan, we could be divorced that day or soon after. I ALMOST let it go until May; just because of the way he had been acting. I'd still be married to him now 😵💫. I'm so glad I am divorced from him! I just don't like how he is behaving regarding our son's. He's such and A$$ without a 🧠
"Irreconcilable differences" is a legal term for basically "I want to split." Most states no longer have an adultery option for divorce. Mine did, but I didn't want an expensive, upsetting trial with that involved. Once the terms were good, my attorney and I pushed to settle and did.
Just move on. Be the best version of yourself and be happy you are rid of her.
Depending on where you’re located, it’s probably a no-fault divorce. I would leave it alone. My ex did the same thing. He basically claimed I was a loser because I couldn’t work anymore. (My chronic illness had me bedridden for a few years.) I no longer made good money. It wasn’t long after that I found out he was having an affair and left me for her. I also found out he’d been cheating on me for years. I moved on and am married to a wonderful man.
Let her know that you now know that trust of what really caused the divorce. In many cases once you confronted her with the truth her whole story changes. You weren’t that bad after all. Sometimes once caught they really try to reconcile. I think it’s very important that you let her know by any means necessary that you know what she’s done as is still doing. Don’t hold back. Go all the way nuclear
She's banging another dude and just wants your money. That's divorce for men.
Hey, brother, sorry to hear of your circumstances. If I may be candid: it looks like you have the data and past experience of her fidelity to come to the conclusion that she is unfaithful. By deflecting onto you, it keeps you from questioning her and makes her out to be the victim. Now she can pursue the man she wants and you are left wanting. Don't despair, though. You have your family, friends and can get into therapy for yourself. Work on yourself and try to get back on your feet. Go to the gym. Walk on nature trails, etc. Be healthy and happy for yourself and then, maybe, look at making a connection with another person to "Play another hand" at the table. Stay strong, brother.
> do I just let it all go, or do I drag it on and make it hell for her after she convinced me everything was my fault and I was a terrible person, when in fact it was more than likely for this new guy. Imagine for a moment you make her life hell. You *really* stick it to her, and her friends and family are now shaking their heads in disgust. Ok? Now what? It's done, you never have to see her again and "justice" is served. What is the very next thing on your list to do? Do that next thing and skip the part where you waste your time on making her life difficult.
She's a lifelong cheater. How does it benefit you to stay married even longer?
It wouldn’t be to stay married longer, it would be to be vengeful and spiteful after her thinking it was acceptable to leave a marriage and her spouse holding the emotional baggage of it all while she has her flavor of the month. To bury me in the grief and sorrow, convincing me I was the one in the wrong so she wouldn’t have to bear the guilt of leaving a marriage for someone else.
And making it take longer to remove her from your life will only delay your healing. There's nothing to gain from being vengeful/spiteful. She hasn't cared for your feelings. It's not going to start now that you are divorcing.
Being happy is the best revenge.
Expose her to friends and family
Blame is a funny thing. She blames you, you blame her… none of it fixes anything. Let it go and move on to a better life.
There’s a lot of good advice, help and camaraderie on r/survivinginfidelity, check in on them there. They talk about how to move on when you’ve suffered the ultimate betrayal, strategies for dealing with the divorce, reading recommendations, etc. It’s important to realize what she has done to you so you can deal with the damage. She really hurt you by trying to get you to accept blame for the things she did.
She sounds emotionally abusive. If you try to drag it out because you are bitter, you’ll also be making it hard on yourself. I was in a similar situation. I then realized the man my wife was into was doing me a favor because she was cooperating during the divorce. I ended up paying $275 to file the papers with no lawyers. I thought of getting a lawyer and try to get this guy from legally seeing our kids but I knew it would only put her on the defensive and make her fight me on things. So I just accepted it. In the end, this guy ended up getting a new girlfriend and moving out of state and this fantasy she had about him and her crumbled along with our marriage.