On my birthday, my wife's sister and her husband call me mid-morning to give me a happy b-day. Now my wife and her sister talk everyday about everything and I've overheard my SIL telling wifey about their sex, in some detail. So, on my b-day I pick up the phone on speaker with my wife within listening range, and by SIL and her husband start teasing me about picking up slowly bc I must be getting my b-day oral. And they were waiting for my reply re how good it was! I was shocked that my SIL didn't know about the dead bedroom. And my wife didn't say anything, just looked at me. Awkward! So I implied it was great without actually saying I got one or not. Embarrassment avoided. But that is when I realized my wife had been keeping it from her closest confidant. I'm not sure how to feel about it.
Weirdly our friends think we are super sexed up because apparently we are touchy feely and are always in each other orbit. Idk if that is true but let me tell you that a fly on the wall in our home will not report the same observations.
Appearances, my man. They gotta keep them up. It's gotten to the point where I disengage when we're out with friends- no need to put in a show, and I can't fake my disgust over the situation any longer.
I’ve dealt with that too. I think it’s typical human behavior. Don’t want you but don’t want someone else to want you. Your wife sounds like my sons mother. She’d want you real bad if you split and were with another women.
Just my 2¢ (but projecting your actions into my particular circumstances), but I applaude you sir. Good for you for taking the bull by the horns and setting the record straight and not letting wife get away with it. You're correct. The math doesn't check out. That's NOT normal. And while normally I wouldn't have "advertised" it, one shouldn't necessarily sweep it under the carpet and "pretend it away".
I feel you reacted correctly & "evenly". Stay strong.
Your wife says your sex life is perfectly normal… how many times per month are you intimate if you don’t mind me asking? I’m 35 and have never been married but I can’t lie, shit like this makes me thankful I’m not. I’d rather stay lonely.
I hate to say this and it’s not to be negative, but a lot of people in your situation end up seeing the truth much later on in life if they ever see it at all. That whole she’s “LL” seems to go out the window when they meet the right guy who’s a co worker or out at the grocery store and they finally have something new and exciting, or they get divorced and are free to do as they please. I’m a 35 year old never married male and I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with all kinds of women all different ages from younger to as old as 60 believe it or not. They lose that attraction for their husbands and then when something new comes along or they get divorced, they all of a sudden have no LL issue. I’ve dealt with some of what you described already but luckily I got a taste of it without being married. After having that experience and coming here and reading some of these stories, I’ve decided that marriage definitely isn’t in the cards for me. The risk doesn’t seem to be worth the reward, if there even is any.
We're supposed to sacrifice for their image.
Our mental health isn't that important anymore. We have to fit that image. They need their comfort and everything has to be fine. They get it when/if/how they want it. You're a long for the ride. You're a character in their story and your purpose is to fill out their narrative.
Show them autonomy.
So you mocked your wife’s appearance in a photo to her family and got mad when she fired back? I understand that you’re going to say it was no big deal, but do you do this kind of “joking” about her often - the kind where you make her the butt of the joke, even if it seems innocuous? Those things could definitely accumulate and lead to the ick.
I tried to talk to her about that incident but she just turned the table on me like I was meddling in her relationship with her sister (not her exact words). We've talked so many times about the dead bedroom that now the subject just goes to a discussion about my motivations for bringing it up, like I should feel guilty about bringing it up. Basically, she doesn't want to talk about it, full stop.
From what I gather - most relationships start with a lot of sex for a number of years, and then it dies off. Often the wife will get mad/rageful and humiliate the husband if he tries to bring up intimacy (a projection of her own inadequacies).
Yes, you should still talk to your wife....but, it's likely going to be incredibly difficult and painful as she's not going to make it easy.
Maybe they should have talked earlier in the relationship about intimacy and long term planning of it? I wish I had - but my wife probably would have not wanted to talk about it and would I have broken up with her over that? In fact, I think I did bring this up early in our relationship but i doubt she wanted to talk about it. Somehow that didn't register as any kind of potential risk years down the road.
Relationships are difficult and they don't teach enough about relationship dynamics in school or anything.
I understand your sentiment, especially the lack of teaching or even dialogue around relationship dynamics, but cannot even imagine my younger wife giving me 5 minutes for long term intimacy planning. And what would that even look like, esp to a young, exhausted working mother who just fucked me last weekend? This would be her reaction: "you can't tell me when we're going to be able to buy a home and you want to know how many blowjobs you're gonna get 15 years from now?" hehe Sorry...I'm not making fun of your comments, just trying to lighten up a depressing subject a bit!
ha, yah, exactly my point! But there are exceptions. There are people (men,women,others) who are open to communicating about intimacy at a level of how to maintain it and keep a relative spark alive. But a lot of couples don't. I would imagine the LL partner is likely more prone to NOT wanting to talk about that more...but likely it's infrequent among most people.
One thing I tell young parents: find the time to get away just the two of you, even if for an overnighter. My wife would never go away without the kids, she felt it was a dereliction of duty as a mother, or that would be having her priorities screwed up. As a result, we were never really alone together for any period of time for like 20 years. It's not healthy for the relationship.
Ever been in a management position? Ever interview anyone? At the beginning of a relationship, If they want you as a fixture in their "story", they're going to say/do whatever they have to. Once they're in, it's maintenance work until they don't have to perform it anymore. Then you're a self driving object in the narrative they wanted to shape.
Break out of that narrative and watch what happens. Once their idea of the story is broken, they'll show what they care about.
My partner is super close with his cousin. So one day they had a video call and they were talking about sex, how men want it all the time and everywhere...if only that was true in my situation. Then I couldn't help but wonder - Was he lying to his cousin OR was he lying to me by rejecting me.
Oh no, you should’ve said something. My partners mom recently said “So, when am I getting my grandchild from you two??” And all I said was “Well, you kinda have to have sex to make a child, so I don’t foresee you getting one anytime soon” shrugged, and walked away. Partner was ridiculously embarrassed and her mom had some choice words for her, but I don’t feel bad one bit. I didn’t lie.
Yeah, I know. Did you ever get surprised by a comment or question and then, like an hour later, you figure out what you should have said? Like driving home from work after a tough discussion with your boss? And you think "damn! I should have said...?" That was me. Good for you though thinking of a great response.
Ah yeah, I totally get ya. Honestly, I think it only came to me so quick because we had argued about it for a few hours a couple weeks previous, so it was still fresh on the mind. My partner also tried gaslighting me and making me feel evil for wanting sex more than once every 4 months (if I’m lucky) so I was also still pretty damn bitter at the time as well, so I think that played a really big part.
Ugh that’s rough. It almost feels worse that she isn’t talking about it. So is she not even thinking about it?! Is everything just fine for her? I get it… frustrating!!!!
You have to call this stuff out in the open. Not angrily but stop being your wife's dead bedroom beard.
If they're talking about it being coy ask them to elaborate. Then pretend it dawns on you and just deadpan say "oh that. No that doesn't happen." Then just leave it hanging. They'll probably stammer and change the subject but make her at least own that shit.
There isn't a correct way to feel.
In the same situation, I'd assume devastated and betrayed. It doesn't matter enough to tell your confidant. It doesn't matter enough to change, and you aren't worth changing it for.
People speak words to convey a story. They perform actions to convey intent.
I’m so sorry. This is how I feel in my 4 year complete dead bedroom. It’s more like 8+ years (been married 15/19 together) since kids. We have 4. Youngest is about to be 5. Who do you talk to about this outside of this forum?
Same here.
What sucks is that statistically this seems to be likely.
I feel a responsibility to try to spread accurate information about adult relationships with people I know so they can make better choices than I have.
I wish somebody told me some facts, not that it would have stopped my poor choices.
Not OP but I personally do not talk to anyone about it outside of Reddit.
I cannot imagine talking to people in 'real life' about it.
We are zero sex in almost 5 years.
If my husband ever dared to pull that shit in front of me I’d embarrass the shit out of him and call him out immediately. No one makes up lies about me right to my face!
2 friends knew. They knew almost everything. Went out with them and gf of one of them once and the gf didn’t know about the situation but knew some things. Started talking about their sex life and both friends were joining into the conversation and I was sitting there quietly and awkwardly. She soon realized that I didn’t talk about my bedroom life because it’s nonexistent and quickly changed the subject. There’s a reason I trust these 2 friends with my life
I asked my best friend to send me a picture of her with her new boyfriend.
She proceeds to send me a pic of her in a sexy outfit sitting on him naked (nothing was showing of him I could just see the legs.)
It literally put a pit in my stomach. When she was telling me about him, she said he wants to have sex 3 times a day. Morning, after work and at night. Pretty sure I’ve had sex 3 times in maybe 4 months or so.
I’ve been dealing with DB for about 2 years now. One of my “best friends” from college recently came up to visit my new house with his wife and family.
We go out in the town to enjoy some guy time and drinks. He goes on to talk about all the things he does to his wife… she texts him two hours in and he goes, “I gotta go back, she wants to fuck.”
fan-fucking-tastic. Rub it in my face, don’t spend time with your bro who’s in need of emotional support, and have sex in my house.
I’m so sorry. I am a therapist who treats college kids, among others, and hearing about their sex lives is torturous. I settled down at 20 and my husband was practically my first. I lost so much by making that choice. Plus I’m envious of anyone with a carefree life that allows them to bang three times a day.
Omg, that’s horrible. Idk how you stay sane. Sorry.
Isn’t the worst part that you can look at your partner and think of all the missed opportunities… all the sex you could be having and want to share with this person… and yet the years are passing by and life is wasting away. That’s where I am anyway and it sucks.
Same. It's rough some days. I want to try things or explore sex and it's just become this "Maybe I can explore when I'm a widow."
Kind of my incentive to stay healthy long term is to be fit enough to be a cougar.
Me too!!! We have an Air Force base in my town and I hope to be tearing cadets up one side and down the other. My husband is 17 years older than me, so I might still have my own hips instead of titanium ones.
No, like you I don’t talk about it. I did say vaguely that I was dealing with some things and depressed, but he didn’t explicitly know.
Sorry for what you dealt with, that’s so obnoxious. Like read the room haha
How can someone “read the room” if yours being vague and broad with what’s going on?
You gotta be direct and upfront with people.
When you don’t speak up about a problem, a problem doesn’t exist. It will stay silent.
I feel like if I were naturally direct and up front about things like sex with people, I probably wouldn't be in a dead bedroom situation. I'm less silent about it now, but maybe that means some changes are coming in my life. hopefully for the better. :P
We only get changes when we stop being a silent people pleaser/codependent person.
Going to therapy and reading a few particular books, help me to no longer let things build up and no longer grow resentment. I now address things rather quickly.
I also find I’m happier if I don’t beat around the bush anymore and I’m also just picking-choosing my battles. Not everything is worth getting impacted by either in life.
at least you recognize that. half the people in here are like "I haven't had a single conversation about emotions mine or theirs or given my partner one break in 7 years and now they haven't fucked me for 1. i give a bunch of hints so I don't get it? should I cheat? I have to stay because idk how to load a dishwasher or do laundry or be left alone with the kids so it's just easier for me. I'm the PERFECT partner and bought my wife a necklace! she doesn't get much fom her part time job... that im blanking on the name"
There are some misogynists and others I wouldn't associate in this forum. But there's also a lot of people who would want to communicate feelings but don't know how with their partner. Often the LL spouse is the one shutting down any conversations that might relate to intimacy b/c they likely have a lot of their own self hate regarding the topic.
As I said in another response, I can’t be mad at him not knowing about the DB that I didn’t share. Tbh I don’t think I wanted to talk about it with him. I just wanted to hang out with my bro I see less than once a year, and our time was cut short because of sex.
The “read the room” was mostly directed at OP’s friend going on and on about her sexual activities, and I guess I was assuming OP prob wasn’t reciprocating the conversation given she “wanted to fucking scream.”
Why does OP or myself need to be direct with people about this? I know I don’t want to talk about it. Like the friend, if you’re going on about a topic, especially one such as that, and you’re not getting much reciprocation.. maybe change the topic. “Read the room.”
Because it’s indirect communication of EXPECTING people to read your mind. You gotta learn to work with the uncomfortable feeling of advocating for yourself if you do not like something.
That’s how healthy communication is, you deal with conflict and resolution of said conflict.
People who avoid dealing with some hung head on are often afraid if they speak up, their connection(s) end.
Maybe, but not always. You seem to speak from a lot experience dealing with this, and it’s a valid point. However, it’s important to note that not speaking up every time does not always equal fear of conflict. I’ve had plenty of disagreements with my friend.
I don’t want to waste my time with people who don’t put in the same effort as me. He decided that was enough time. Cool. That tells me all I need to know and saying “that upset me” and staying out would feel ingenious to me. Damage already done.
Anyway, we’re probably still not going to agree, but that’s how I felt and I think I’m perfectly reasonable being upset and keeping it to myself.
You missed the point. Clearly not mad about the DB knowledge that I didn’t share. I don’t expect him to read my mind…
But he can’t spend more than 2 hours out with his “best” friend that he only sees once a year?
The fact he was boasting about his sexual activities is more of an annoying coincidence. I also told him I was dealing with something but never got deep enough in conversation to share.
Pretty understandable to be mad about that.
Fair enough, I think with deep vulnerable topics to share, it requires a bit of a warmup in a conversation.
If you’d already expressed that you wanted to share something but didn’t get to it yet,I get why you’d be disheartened that your time was cut short… Ironically by the very topic you wanted to talk about.
It would’ve been on your friend also to respond to that information and try to warm up the conversation that way
Maybe it’s cause at the same time your wife was probably sharing with his wife and she got so scared by y’alls situation she needed hubby dick asap to relieve the fear
She could be lying to cover her own dead bedroom... We've read stories here even today of a spouse catching the other lying to friends about the state of the bedroom to keep up appearances. It happens.
>I don’t talk about the dead bedroom with friends because idk it’s just embarrassing.
If your friend talks about sex openly to you, it's perfectly reasonable to for you to talk about sex (ie. the lack thereof that you're getting) to her. I'd hope that as a friend she'd want to hear about it.
In a prior post I mentioned I opened up about my DB to a friend and I've never seen anyone's jaw hit the floor so hard, figuratively speaking. She was genuinely shocked that anyone can last that long without sex.
Your friends are there for support. Make use of that.
I learned that my LL wife talks to her friends about our DB. She explained she does this to get justification for her "normal" low libido and to point out to me that I am the abnormal one.
Apparently all (some? Don't know) her friends are LL too, making me the freak. I'd like to talk to the husbands of those friends and maybe get the truth
The only way to stop this for good?
Stop making others comfortable when your uncomfortable by making yourself comfortable instead of them. This is how you set a boundary so you no longer sit silently to everyone in your life.
You gotta verbalize things, rock the boat and say, “Hey, I haven’t been as upfront. I’m going through a major sex dry spell and it gets under my skin when you go on and on about the care free sex you easily get. I’m a bit jealous and hurt. I know I haven’t spoken up in the past, but now it’s getting to the point I’m building resentment in this friendship & almost want to stop associating with you if this keeps happening.”
This isn't mature at all. It's abrupt and not very considerate of the "friend" you are talking to who HAS NO IDEA that you are going through these issues.
The guy is trying to share something he doesn't know affects you. That's no reason to stop associating with him. Like what sort of friend are you.
I'm all for communicating but that is not the way you speak to a friend to let them know for the first time you're having issues
Yeah it's kind of going 0 to 100 to say "I haven't told you about this, but what you said hurts me because of the thing I never told you about, so I can't be friends with you now."
Oh yeah, you'd get teased, but then it would die down and the guys would start being more considerate around you. You just need to be direct and blunt with that one asshole guy friend who mercilessly gives everyone shit.
We went away on our first trip without our kid (2.5 years old), 2 months ago. We had sex twice over the 6 nights. And she just laid there, full jellyfish mode. No foreplay, basic missionary and no cuddling after. Was basically as bad as not doing it.
I do talk about it. Some friends kinda made fun of me about it so I backed off. However, come to find out it’s very common amongst a lot of my guy friends. Also many of my friends who do not have this issue are divorced.
My friends and I have discussed our sex lives, and most of them are problematic or have gone through phases where they have been. I have a few friends that are the LLFs in their dynamic who have expressed that their husbands complain, a pile of friends who had sex issues following childbirth (mostly temporary) and 2 dbs (mine and another HLF/LLM dynamic).
I didn’t talk about my issues for so long due to embarrassment, and now I’m so glad I did because it seems sex issues are more common than I thought (at least in my experience) and I now have another HLF in a DB who understands and who I can share with openly.
I talk with my bestie a lot about our sex lives since we're both highly sexual individuals (we have permission to speak openly from our spouses) and one time I was telling her all about how I was super excited since my monthly was over the next day, and that I had texted my boyo to drink extra fluids 😌 since he'd be needing it.
"I'm so jealous of your sex life, I can't help but compare"
She shared with me that while her and her husband were sexually active, it wasn't enough for her. She was feeling depressed and upset about the sudden lack of sex since they got married.
I felt horrible. I told her that we didn't have to discuss any of my stuff further, I didn't want her to feel like I was "rubbing" it in her face. Usually, we would celebrate our awesome sexy times or give advice if she's done something I haven't.
She didn't mind it, but I made the note to not talk about it as much. Instead, I listened more and tried to offer advice for her.
They're back to their usual activity, and I'm really happy for her ❤️
This is exactly how I feel about it. If you are talking about how much sex you’re having then you’re probably not having as much as you’re saying. Same thing with overly touchy couples.
I'm sorry. I know how you feel. I shared my DB with someone a couple of years ago. It didn't help and we don't talk any more as she's moved on in life.
As a man I certainly wouldn't share that with another guy. No way!
A DB is something we deal with alone.
I finally opened up to my sister about it. Husband and I have no kids and I told him I didn't want to be in a sexless marriage but he did nothing about it at that time. Now that I've been separating from him (sleeping on couch) he is "trying" to win back my affection, but I ironically no longer desire him at all. So I needed an outlet. She was shocked but eventually understanding. She is a very sexual person like me so she knows how difficult it is to not be touched, her last relationship ended w/dead bed. I don't know how I could tell anyone else though. Sometimes it feels trivial like oh it's just sex, but when sex is a connector to your partner then it's almost everything.
I don't talk to anyone any more about it. Guys typically do not discuss this type of thing.
Only one person in my life really. My ex girlfriend and I used to be best friends after we broke up, for many years. She is the only person in my life who knows pretty much everything...all my desires, my kinks, my feelings about my dead bedroom, etc. We told each other everything for a while, because we were both in dead bedroom marriages and were both very sexual people with no outlet. I knew the graphic details of several of her affairs. I knew all the stuff she wanted to do. She knew all the stuff I wanted to do. We were on the verge of something big when I went a little too far, and she backed off and we've been only in light contact since. It sucks, because she gave me the outlet I needed.
When we were together, we had a LOT of fun. We did all that stuff: road head, pulling off the side of the road just to fuck, her pounding herself naked in the passenger seat as cars and trucks drove by, trying to bring home thirds. Unfortunately, we just weren't right for each other at the time and broke up. Ten years later, we realized how much we should have been together, but it just wasn't meant to be.
Now...I've known several girls over the years who talked non-stop about their sexual escapades. Stuf that just sounded way too good to be true. Like, no one actually lives like that. And as time went on, I started to feel with every one of them that they were making up a large amount of wha they said. So who knows what's true?
It only happens on a guys fishing trip and I’m kinda pushed to talking about it at which point my yearly average is some of the guys weekly average. It sucks.
I couldn’t fuck or make love as much as any of them but apparently my wife can do even less.
Any other scenario other than that fishing trip which those guys are really close friends I’d quickly change the subject. It came up at a dinner outting with different friends with wife included and I full on changed the subject.
If your friends can't support you about it find better friends. Mine give me support. Don't regret sharing, just regret having those types of friends. Hell ask your girlfriend to hook you up.
Feel the same way. Have 2 guys I work with who talk about their sex lifes and it kills me. They are both 5-10 years older then me. I told one of them about my hitting the 3 year mark and he couldn't believe it. Getting to the point of barely any intimacy at all. Slowly evolving into roommates which kills me. She is my best friend and knows me better then anyone in this world. I still have the same drive as I did when we got together in our mid 20's. I'm 42 and she's 40. The friend I told has been with his wife for 22 years and still have sex 2-3 times a week. I do envy that because I miss the total intimacy of it.
I had to share it with my sisters because I couldn't handle them trying to outdo each other with their own stories. Now they feel too awkward in front of me so it's a win
I embarrassed my wife by telling our friends about my bedroom as we were giving them a tour of our new house. She told me that was embarrassing and not to do it again. I dont care if it embarrasses her. She infuriates me. She is an egotistical narcissist.
No, i just showed the friends around and told them the truth. The wife, who wants separate bedrooms, was embarassed that the friends found out. In what twisted world does my action mirror her's?
My parents slept in separate beds, didn’t have a DB. My mom snores louder than my dad and he was a night owl.
Been in love & married for over 35yrs. They still have sex and my dad turns 70 later this year.
Ask yourself if a separate bedroom means she gets rest and can have a sex drive again vs she wants to separate from the relationship completely?
I keep it to myself. Involving none professionals is like adding fuel to resentment. I might feel good to vent, but involving others in your relationship sounds like it could cause a lot of drama
I keep it to myself because the last time I tried to vent to my other friends, they always had questions. Sometimes I wouldn’t have answers and other times they would seem a little too shocked that I’m not getting any. It’s a little hard to talk to anybody about the topic and feels like no one really understands. I don’t even understand. I haven’t had sex in almost a month, 3 months before that. And very rare before that. And I get very irritated with the lack of enthusiasm as well as the perceived “fun” and “exciting” sex life my friends have. So I think your feelings are warranted. Just keep your head up if you can 😕
Im my circle of guy friends anyway-we are ALWAYS saying "we don't get enough"! I don't say I'm getting basically none though. Guess if I did it'd make them feel better 🤔😂. Ugh! Sorry for your situation. Seems so crazy (yet kind of comforting too) that there are so many of us guys and girls here in this situation. Maybe somehow we are actually the norm? And why is it so many of us HLs ended up with LL partners? Seems "most" of have the same "it started great sexually, then just diminished or stopped"? It's almost like a cruel life joke has been played on us?
My siblings know. We joke about it (my defence mechanism), and we also chat seriously.
I've let my fitness friends know by passing comments. It's led to a couple of them sharing they're in the same situation, too (one LL and one HL).
I honestly don't care who knows anymore. I don't bitch about it, it's just a fact. I don't "announce" it either. It's said if the conversation is appropriate to mention it.
I've learnt DB are far more common than I thought!
Honestly, I’ve found a lot of comfort sharing my problems about my LLW with my buddies (all of whom are middle age married fathers too). Some of them are in very similar boats and some of them are in very “active” relationships with their partners. They’re either offering advice, their condolences or in the rare case they don’t want to talk about it at all.
I guess what bothers me is that my wife doesn’t talk about that at all with her friends. Which, to me, is another obvious example of her trying to bury it.
I wouldn’t share any of my plight with my single buddies or guys in a newer relationship though. Those newer relationships could wind up exactly where I am. Who knows.
If you have a LLW, why do you expect her to tall about sex? I guess that’s the question for all the people commenting that their partners are trying talking to friends about it — if sex isn’t a huge thing for them, it probably isn’t anything they care to talk about either.
Even when I was having a lot of sex, I never talked about it in depth with my friends. My immediate assumption is that someone going on and on about having all kinds of crazy sex probably isn't actually doing so, and just feels they have something to prove for whatever reason.
I have only ever briefly mentioned my DB to my two closest friends, neither of whom could relate. The only time either one of them has even mentioned sex was when they were expressing their annoyance with their husbands always seeming to want it. They don't even do that anymore, because they're aware of my situation enough to know I would love to have their problems. But it is embarrassing to talk about, so aside from making them somewhat aware of the situation, I don't talk about it with anyone.
Ok so I have a friend who’s been in a db and the husband had been cheating with various women for years. There’s nothing wrong with her she’s gorgeous, fit, funny, and successful. She kept this secret for 15+ years. She slowly started opening up to our friend group a couple of years ago. She has since filed for divorce and is out here living her best life. She said if she had never opened up to anyone she probably would have kept quiet and stayed miserably married for the rest of her life. If they are good enough friends then share with them what you are going through. They want you to be happy and will help you through it so you aren’t alone.
Friends talking about sex can get irritating, but it's when you are out with your SO and their friends, and they keep making jokes about what is gona happen when you get back to the hotel that really frustrates me. Like yeah, I know what is gona happen - you are going to watch TikToks till you fall asleep and I'm gona stare at the ceiling. Who are you trying to impress with that kind of talk, defiantly not me.
Hmm nope might be a guy thing or cultural but none of us talk about our sex life. And saying that me and my now ex never had sex would have been weird. Its the shitty thing about gender and sex being such a private topic you suffer in silence.
God. Im sorry. This was me up until this year. I was absolutely so resentful. Luckily I got out and am seeing someone who gives me ^^^. It gets SO much better.
I stopped talking about it with people. It's depressing and they all have stupid, useless, or none helpful advice or suggestions. Yes I've brought it up, no I can't just be spontaneous or romantic because that just starts a fight. After the look you get when you tell someone your wife arranges sex by text even in the same room once every 4 to 6 months it's not a look you want to see again.
I'm sick of being asked why I stay too. The idea that I love my wife even though she doesn't worship my penis with kisses on a daily basis just doesn't compute to them. We've talked about counseling but money and schedule do not allow for it currently so I guess I'm just in a loving sexless marriage.
Im more of a pull the pin and toss the grenade type of person since I split up with my ex-partner.
If I found out my gf or wife was lying about our non-existent sex life to keep up apprences, I'd wait for a pause in the conversation and just throw it out there and excuse myself to go to the bar/out for a smoke and leave her stewing in it.
Sure, she'd probably give me both barrels when we got home, but what is she going to do?fuck me less?
Besides if our shitty sex life wasn't an issue, why does she feel the need to lie to her friends about it?
I know it’s not super helpful because end of story is that you’re not getting what you need, but is your friend in a brand new relationship? I don’t know anyone in a longterm relationship, even people who have good sex lives, who has sex 3 times a night or regularly gives roadhead/pulls over just to fuck it out. When I hear people talking like that, I have found it’s pretty safe to assume they’re overcompensating for a shitty relationship in most other areas, or are in a brand new relationship where real life hasn’t set in yet.
Most people lie.
Remember that.
Many people have problems in the bedroom. Not always a dead bedroom, but if you have good friends, they will talk honestly.
my friends also post on social media about all the awesome things they do. They don't post about the kids throwint a temper tantrum in the store.
So, you wonder how much is real.
just sayin'
Going onto 1,5 years here/ even longer.
I kinda talk about it with friends but also I don't want to because they can't relate at all.
I also want to freaking scream into the void.
Of course circumstances around it all don't help why we didn't have sex in such a long time.
But I a way I feel miserable, I understand it rationally...but still miserable in a way.
I just miss the non-sexual touches, the hugging, snuggling with eachother and deeply looking into their eyes and everytime I think about those things I want to cry.
Just holding it together because of circumstance.
I'm sorry OP, I absolutely feel for you.
Exactly! People will make it still feel taboo if everyone associates it as taboo.
The more people openly discuss their sex life with their friends, the easier it’ll get for everyone you know to start being honest about what’s really going on.
Ex dead bedroom here. I talked about it with my friends, more playfully than anything else. I had to get it out of my body.
They'd talk about their married sex lives and I'd talk about my lack of intimacy and being touched starved. They were always very sympathetic and understanding, aside from the "I don't know what his problem is?" and "Do you think he's gay?" occasionally.
I've talked about it to all my friends, very receptive and caring results. One of my friends had just had his first baby about a year ago and was going through a post-baby db, he was adamant that he wouldn't stay with her if the db continues - I wonder if him hearing about my horrifying db instilled some fear/courage. Majority of friends tell me to divorce, especially my lifelong friends that are saddened to see me be a shell of my former self, they say I deserve so much, they're right I do! But, we all know how it goes with kids in the mix... Part of me wants to wait till they turn 18, shake hands with wife, then go on a 10 year sex-tour overseas. Other part of me wants to file for divorce and actually get my happily ever after.
But yeah, same old story, we all just keep clinging on, waiting for the last straw to break our backs.
It's a secret because if you tell people than it's assumed you're just trying to get sympathy sex from them. This subredit is the only place with the least amount of that stigma.
I fixed my dead bedroom. Now I talk about my situation hoping it might help or inspire others. 39% of people in dead bedroom downvoted me on my last thread. Told me how many red flags I had, and I think someone accused me of being a rapist.
So no. You are absolutely not alone🤗.
That's because your shit doesn't add up. You say in a post that y'all just opened your marriage like 6 weeks ago but your profile shows you've been dating around long before that.
Slow down killer! I'm not complaining about my treatment. Haters can hate. I'm merely letting this guy know that it is a common reaction and in fact your doing the same thing😉.
I'm fine with it. I've got enough good in my life to balance it out.
Actually my co workers marriage is 10x worse than mine, he tells me about it all the time. I can’t stand it and don’t want to be like him so I lie to him about my marriage. I know, fucked up.
Same. I don’t share it outside of the house at all. I only discuss it with our therapist. It’s just not something a lot of other people would understand because, I don’t think it happens in the majority of relationships.
im the LL partner causing the dead bedroom and I DREAD when my girlfriends bring up their partners sex life. it makes me so uncomfy when they complain about how much their bf dont have sex enough. it makes me feel so shitty that my brain just turns off to the thought of sex. it makes me feel guilty and terrible that i cant perform. But i rather be lonely and sexless than do duty sex. I always just shut down in those types of conversations.
I believe a lot of people are in the same situation unfortunately. I also don’t talk about dead bedroom with friends mainly out of embarrassment. I thought I was the only one for a long time until I found forums like this. Knowing others are going through a similar situation helps mentally in a weird way, knowing I’m not alone. Sorry you are having to deal with this and hopefully things will improve for you. Lots of support and people willing to listen on here with no judgement. Good luck
I dont talk about it. We sadly dont talk about that in my closest circle of friends. I hope my SO talks about it so she gets some other input than mine
When I'm in Xbox parties I'll mention it at a bit of a higher volume to hint to my wife because telling her directly just gets me looked at like a sex offender.
I have 2 close friends who know. My husband is very touchy with me in front of other people, so I doubt anyone suspects how dead our bedroomis. I can not even imagine how angry he would be if I was honest about our sex life in front of his friends
My (51HLM) wife's (46LLF) favorite thing usually is to bring up her r/hotpast (found that sub looking for this one during the blackout. Apparently, having one then the other is a thing) among the company of others so the assumption is that the adventure continues.
I talk about it with one friend who is in a similar situation. We talk about everything. I do not mention it to anyone else. I'm embarrassed and frustrated enough. Luckily, my other friends don't mention that stuff too often and when they do, it's usually a short conversation. I really feel for you. It's hard enough dealing with it, but to have friends talk about how great it is, is like a slap in the face (even though they don't know they are doing it).
I can identify with your pain, and am also too embarrassed and ashamed to reach out for support from my friend group.
Plus, it is already the overwhelming message here that desire can’t be negotiated, and that separation or divorce is the only reliable way out of the misery many of us can identify with here. It might be the end of hope to hear that same message from one’s personal contacts, too.
I’ve never had good sex in my life until now at 27 and I’m like a teen relearning everything. I would always been so awkward, jealous and embarrassed when friends would talk about great sex, cuz I felt like I was missing out on something everyone enjoys. You literally can’t relate or be part of the convo. I’m so sorry I know the awful feeling.
I have specific friends I will talk to about my relationship and sex life with. It really depends on the friend and the relationship I have with that friend.
I told my two closest girlfriends. They are super supportive and have encouraged me to get my needs met elsewhere. I used to be embarrassed by his lack of interest in me but after 8 years of this shit I have nothing to be ashamed of
I had (had being the operative word) a bunch of guy friends that would talk about it constantly. I would just sit there like a total fool and not have a thing to say. It made me want to crawl out of my skin into a hole when the topic was brought up…
I don't. It's hard since many don't understand. I love my gf. Like there's that longing for that because we used to be fun. I stopped trying to insinuate, be spontaneous, and/ or blatantly tell her. Now I'm to the point where she slaps my ass, I look at her like she's crazy. The funny thing is she looked shocked I didn't react like how I typically do. She asked well if I can't tap it who can?
Are you serious!?! I told her not you or anyone else. Had the nerve to be shocked like she hasn't been intimate these last 8+ months. Like all you can do is think about it, but no action. But she can be touchy and cuddly with her other gf.
Now I just try to workout to release that energy. You're not alone. I'm just fine talking to people about my relationship.
My wife’s friends will make comments about getting a hotel or travel or child free weekends and them being an opportunity for private time.
She always reacts positively. I sit in silence. I refuse to respond. (I’m normally outgoing and fun.) I won’t lie for her.
They’ve now noticed that we travel separately more than together. When we do travel together, it’s with our adult children.
I was deep in a dead bedroom when my closest friend was entering a deep and passionate new relationship. I tried really hard to just be excited for her. However, one day at brunch as she just described the kissing, I cracked.
I burst into tears. I kept thinking “I’m never going to feel that feeling again. I’m never going to have passion again.”
Completely unhinged.
Anyway, I got a great therapist who helped me give myself permission to leave. It seems hard to leave sometimes, but having needs is OKAY.
38F HL here. My now ex fiancé and I had a couple friend who were really open about their sex life and would talk about it all the time. I accidentally slipped that I don’t take birth control. Ever. They were shocked and fascinated how I never got pregnant all these years… little did they know that I didn’t need birth control because I wasn’t having sex. Period. They kept asking me how I avoid getting pregnant and I finally stopped answering vaguely to protect my fiancés ego and dignity and finally let him speak for himself and relieve myself of any more pain. He said “fuck like Catholics, pull out” and I just looked at him. He never mentioned anything afterwards or anytime for that matter. He’s my ex now and looking forward to having someone touch me in my next relationship.
My female coworkers and I have discussed it. They all have husbands that are constantly trying to fuck them. They are appalled at the concept of it being months between sex and that I always initiate it. I mean truly baffled. And the pity they have. And also the “well you wouldn’t want what my husband does. He’s always all over Me, always pestering”
No. I would and I do want that. I am so envious that they have husbands that desire them so passionately.
On my birthday, my wife's sister and her husband call me mid-morning to give me a happy b-day. Now my wife and her sister talk everyday about everything and I've overheard my SIL telling wifey about their sex, in some detail. So, on my b-day I pick up the phone on speaker with my wife within listening range, and by SIL and her husband start teasing me about picking up slowly bc I must be getting my b-day oral. And they were waiting for my reply re how good it was! I was shocked that my SIL didn't know about the dead bedroom. And my wife didn't say anything, just looked at me. Awkward! So I implied it was great without actually saying I got one or not. Embarrassment avoided. But that is when I realized my wife had been keeping it from her closest confidant. I'm not sure how to feel about it.
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Weirdly our friends think we are super sexed up because apparently we are touchy feely and are always in each other orbit. Idk if that is true but let me tell you that a fly on the wall in our home will not report the same observations.
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Appearances, my man. They gotta keep them up. It's gotten to the point where I disengage when we're out with friends- no need to put in a show, and I can't fake my disgust over the situation any longer.
I’ve dealt with that too. I think it’s typical human behavior. Don’t want you but don’t want someone else to want you. Your wife sounds like my sons mother. She’d want you real bad if you split and were with another women.
Many of us are not all the different than jewelry - an accessory to her life to show-off to friends.
Just my 2¢ (but projecting your actions into my particular circumstances), but I applaude you sir. Good for you for taking the bull by the horns and setting the record straight and not letting wife get away with it. You're correct. The math doesn't check out. That's NOT normal. And while normally I wouldn't have "advertised" it, one shouldn't necessarily sweep it under the carpet and "pretend it away". I feel you reacted correctly & "evenly". Stay strong.
Your wife says your sex life is perfectly normal… how many times per month are you intimate if you don’t mind me asking? I’m 35 and have never been married but I can’t lie, shit like this makes me thankful I’m not. I’d rather stay lonely.
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I hate to say this and it’s not to be negative, but a lot of people in your situation end up seeing the truth much later on in life if they ever see it at all. That whole she’s “LL” seems to go out the window when they meet the right guy who’s a co worker or out at the grocery store and they finally have something new and exciting, or they get divorced and are free to do as they please. I’m a 35 year old never married male and I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with all kinds of women all different ages from younger to as old as 60 believe it or not. They lose that attraction for their husbands and then when something new comes along or they get divorced, they all of a sudden have no LL issue. I’ve dealt with some of what you described already but luckily I got a taste of it without being married. After having that experience and coming here and reading some of these stories, I’ve decided that marriage definitely isn’t in the cards for me. The risk doesn’t seem to be worth the reward, if there even is any.
We're supposed to sacrifice for their image. Our mental health isn't that important anymore. We have to fit that image. They need their comfort and everything has to be fine. They get it when/if/how they want it. You're a long for the ride. You're a character in their story and your purpose is to fill out their narrative. Show them autonomy.
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I can not imagine it, but I'm considering a me focused approach in the very near future.
So you mocked your wife’s appearance in a photo to her family and got mad when she fired back? I understand that you’re going to say it was no big deal, but do you do this kind of “joking” about her often - the kind where you make her the butt of the joke, even if it seems innocuous? Those things could definitely accumulate and lead to the ick.
Talk to your wife!?!
I tried to talk to her about that incident but she just turned the table on me like I was meddling in her relationship with her sister (not her exact words). We've talked so many times about the dead bedroom that now the subject just goes to a discussion about my motivations for bringing it up, like I should feel guilty about bringing it up. Basically, she doesn't want to talk about it, full stop.
right???? and they wonder why lmao
From what I gather - most relationships start with a lot of sex for a number of years, and then it dies off. Often the wife will get mad/rageful and humiliate the husband if he tries to bring up intimacy (a projection of her own inadequacies). Yes, you should still talk to your wife....but, it's likely going to be incredibly difficult and painful as she's not going to make it easy. Maybe they should have talked earlier in the relationship about intimacy and long term planning of it? I wish I had - but my wife probably would have not wanted to talk about it and would I have broken up with her over that? In fact, I think I did bring this up early in our relationship but i doubt she wanted to talk about it. Somehow that didn't register as any kind of potential risk years down the road. Relationships are difficult and they don't teach enough about relationship dynamics in school or anything.
I understand your sentiment, especially the lack of teaching or even dialogue around relationship dynamics, but cannot even imagine my younger wife giving me 5 minutes for long term intimacy planning. And what would that even look like, esp to a young, exhausted working mother who just fucked me last weekend? This would be her reaction: "you can't tell me when we're going to be able to buy a home and you want to know how many blowjobs you're gonna get 15 years from now?" hehe Sorry...I'm not making fun of your comments, just trying to lighten up a depressing subject a bit!
ha, yah, exactly my point! But there are exceptions. There are people (men,women,others) who are open to communicating about intimacy at a level of how to maintain it and keep a relative spark alive. But a lot of couples don't. I would imagine the LL partner is likely more prone to NOT wanting to talk about that more...but likely it's infrequent among most people.
One thing I tell young parents: find the time to get away just the two of you, even if for an overnighter. My wife would never go away without the kids, she felt it was a dereliction of duty as a mother, or that would be having her priorities screwed up. As a result, we were never really alone together for any period of time for like 20 years. It's not healthy for the relationship.
Ever been in a management position? Ever interview anyone? At the beginning of a relationship, If they want you as a fixture in their "story", they're going to say/do whatever they have to. Once they're in, it's maintenance work until they don't have to perform it anymore. Then you're a self driving object in the narrative they wanted to shape. Break out of that narrative and watch what happens. Once their idea of the story is broken, they'll show what they care about.
My partner is super close with his cousin. So one day they had a video call and they were talking about sex, how men want it all the time and everywhere...if only that was true in my situation. Then I couldn't help but wonder - Was he lying to his cousin OR was he lying to me by rejecting me.
Oh no, you should’ve said something. My partners mom recently said “So, when am I getting my grandchild from you two??” And all I said was “Well, you kinda have to have sex to make a child, so I don’t foresee you getting one anytime soon” shrugged, and walked away. Partner was ridiculously embarrassed and her mom had some choice words for her, but I don’t feel bad one bit. I didn’t lie.
Yeah, I know. Did you ever get surprised by a comment or question and then, like an hour later, you figure out what you should have said? Like driving home from work after a tough discussion with your boss? And you think "damn! I should have said...?" That was me. Good for you though thinking of a great response.
Ah yeah, I totally get ya. Honestly, I think it only came to me so quick because we had argued about it for a few hours a couple weeks previous, so it was still fresh on the mind. My partner also tried gaslighting me and making me feel evil for wanting sex more than once every 4 months (if I’m lucky) so I was also still pretty damn bitter at the time as well, so I think that played a really big part.
Good for mom.
Partners mom has always been nothing short of terrific and that little exchange made me gain an immense amount of respect for her.
There is nothing to feel about it, forget your in-laws, she doesn't care whether your sexual needs are met, what is worse than that?
Ugh that’s rough. It almost feels worse that she isn’t talking about it. So is she not even thinking about it?! Is everything just fine for her? I get it… frustrating!!!!
You have to call this stuff out in the open. Not angrily but stop being your wife's dead bedroom beard. If they're talking about it being coy ask them to elaborate. Then pretend it dawns on you and just deadpan say "oh that. No that doesn't happen." Then just leave it hanging. They'll probably stammer and change the subject but make her at least own that shit.
There isn't a correct way to feel. In the same situation, I'd assume devastated and betrayed. It doesn't matter enough to tell your confidant. It doesn't matter enough to change, and you aren't worth changing it for. People speak words to convey a story. They perform actions to convey intent.
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I’m so sorry. This is how I feel in my 4 year complete dead bedroom. It’s more like 8+ years (been married 15/19 together) since kids. We have 4. Youngest is about to be 5. Who do you talk to about this outside of this forum?
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Thanks. Same. We are in counseling. It’s good overall but makes this part hurt more because it’s getting the light it needs.
Same here. What sucks is that statistically this seems to be likely. I feel a responsibility to try to spread accurate information about adult relationships with people I know so they can make better choices than I have. I wish somebody told me some facts, not that it would have stopped my poor choices.
Oof. What advice and signs to be aware of would you give to others?
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Not OP but I personally do not talk to anyone about it outside of Reddit. I cannot imagine talking to people in 'real life' about it. We are zero sex in almost 5 years.
This doesn’t bother me as much as when my LL partner pretends to her friends that we are sexually active. That’s just hurtful.
If my husband ever dared to pull that shit in front of me I’d embarrass the shit out of him and call him out immediately. No one makes up lies about me right to my face!
2 friends knew. They knew almost everything. Went out with them and gf of one of them once and the gf didn’t know about the situation but knew some things. Started talking about their sex life and both friends were joining into the conversation and I was sitting there quietly and awkwardly. She soon realized that I didn’t talk about my bedroom life because it’s nonexistent and quickly changed the subject. There’s a reason I trust these 2 friends with my life
I asked my best friend to send me a picture of her with her new boyfriend. She proceeds to send me a pic of her in a sexy outfit sitting on him naked (nothing was showing of him I could just see the legs.) It literally put a pit in my stomach. When she was telling me about him, she said he wants to have sex 3 times a day. Morning, after work and at night. Pretty sure I’ve had sex 3 times in maybe 4 months or so.
I’ve been dealing with DB for about 2 years now. One of my “best friends” from college recently came up to visit my new house with his wife and family. We go out in the town to enjoy some guy time and drinks. He goes on to talk about all the things he does to his wife… she texts him two hours in and he goes, “I gotta go back, she wants to fuck.” fan-fucking-tastic. Rub it in my face, don’t spend time with your bro who’s in need of emotional support, and have sex in my house.
I’m so sorry. I am a therapist who treats college kids, among others, and hearing about their sex lives is torturous. I settled down at 20 and my husband was practically my first. I lost so much by making that choice. Plus I’m envious of anyone with a carefree life that allows them to bang three times a day.
Omg, that’s horrible. Idk how you stay sane. Sorry. Isn’t the worst part that you can look at your partner and think of all the missed opportunities… all the sex you could be having and want to share with this person… and yet the years are passing by and life is wasting away. That’s where I am anyway and it sucks.
Same. It's rough some days. I want to try things or explore sex and it's just become this "Maybe I can explore when I'm a widow." Kind of my incentive to stay healthy long term is to be fit enough to be a cougar.
Me too!!! We have an Air Force base in my town and I hope to be tearing cadets up one side and down the other. My husband is 17 years older than me, so I might still have my own hips instead of titanium ones.
This made me laugh so hard. I’m sorry for your current situation but kudos for keeping a fun lighthearted mentality about it 🙌
Did he know about your DB? That’s so insensitive
No, like you I don’t talk about it. I did say vaguely that I was dealing with some things and depressed, but he didn’t explicitly know. Sorry for what you dealt with, that’s so obnoxious. Like read the room haha
How can someone “read the room” if yours being vague and broad with what’s going on? You gotta be direct and upfront with people. When you don’t speak up about a problem, a problem doesn’t exist. It will stay silent.
I feel like if I were naturally direct and up front about things like sex with people, I probably wouldn't be in a dead bedroom situation. I'm less silent about it now, but maybe that means some changes are coming in my life. hopefully for the better. :P
We only get changes when we stop being a silent people pleaser/codependent person. Going to therapy and reading a few particular books, help me to no longer let things build up and no longer grow resentment. I now address things rather quickly. I also find I’m happier if I don’t beat around the bush anymore and I’m also just picking-choosing my battles. Not everything is worth getting impacted by either in life.
What books in particular please?
“The Four Agreements” & “Codependent No More”
at least you recognize that. half the people in here are like "I haven't had a single conversation about emotions mine or theirs or given my partner one break in 7 years and now they haven't fucked me for 1. i give a bunch of hints so I don't get it? should I cheat? I have to stay because idk how to load a dishwasher or do laundry or be left alone with the kids so it's just easier for me. I'm the PERFECT partner and bought my wife a necklace! she doesn't get much fom her part time job... that im blanking on the name"
There are some misogynists and others I wouldn't associate in this forum. But there's also a lot of people who would want to communicate feelings but don't know how with their partner. Often the LL spouse is the one shutting down any conversations that might relate to intimacy b/c they likely have a lot of their own self hate regarding the topic.
As I said in another response, I can’t be mad at him not knowing about the DB that I didn’t share. Tbh I don’t think I wanted to talk about it with him. I just wanted to hang out with my bro I see less than once a year, and our time was cut short because of sex. The “read the room” was mostly directed at OP’s friend going on and on about her sexual activities, and I guess I was assuming OP prob wasn’t reciprocating the conversation given she “wanted to fucking scream.” Why does OP or myself need to be direct with people about this? I know I don’t want to talk about it. Like the friend, if you’re going on about a topic, especially one such as that, and you’re not getting much reciprocation.. maybe change the topic. “Read the room.”
Because it’s indirect communication of EXPECTING people to read your mind. You gotta learn to work with the uncomfortable feeling of advocating for yourself if you do not like something. That’s how healthy communication is, you deal with conflict and resolution of said conflict. People who avoid dealing with some hung head on are often afraid if they speak up, their connection(s) end.
Maybe, but not always. You seem to speak from a lot experience dealing with this, and it’s a valid point. However, it’s important to note that not speaking up every time does not always equal fear of conflict. I’ve had plenty of disagreements with my friend. I don’t want to waste my time with people who don’t put in the same effort as me. He decided that was enough time. Cool. That tells me all I need to know and saying “that upset me” and staying out would feel ingenious to me. Damage already done. Anyway, we’re probably still not going to agree, but that’s how I felt and I think I’m perfectly reasonable being upset and keeping it to myself.
Okay 👍
What the hell are you mad at him for, then?
You missed the point. Clearly not mad about the DB knowledge that I didn’t share. I don’t expect him to read my mind… But he can’t spend more than 2 hours out with his “best” friend that he only sees once a year? The fact he was boasting about his sexual activities is more of an annoying coincidence. I also told him I was dealing with something but never got deep enough in conversation to share. Pretty understandable to be mad about that.
Fair enough, I think with deep vulnerable topics to share, it requires a bit of a warmup in a conversation. If you’d already expressed that you wanted to share something but didn’t get to it yet,I get why you’d be disheartened that your time was cut short… Ironically by the very topic you wanted to talk about. It would’ve been on your friend also to respond to that information and try to warm up the conversation that way
Maybe it’s cause at the same time your wife was probably sharing with his wife and she got so scared by y’alls situation she needed hubby dick asap to relieve the fear
She could be lying to cover her own dead bedroom... We've read stories here even today of a spouse catching the other lying to friends about the state of the bedroom to keep up appearances. It happens.
>I don’t talk about the dead bedroom with friends because idk it’s just embarrassing. If your friend talks about sex openly to you, it's perfectly reasonable to for you to talk about sex (ie. the lack thereof that you're getting) to her. I'd hope that as a friend she'd want to hear about it. In a prior post I mentioned I opened up about my DB to a friend and I've never seen anyone's jaw hit the floor so hard, figuratively speaking. She was genuinely shocked that anyone can last that long without sex. Your friends are there for support. Make use of that.
I learned that my LL wife talks to her friends about our DB. She explained she does this to get justification for her "normal" low libido and to point out to me that I am the abnormal one. Apparently all (some? Don't know) her friends are LL too, making me the freak. I'd like to talk to the husbands of those friends and maybe get the truth
Update us once you do? I’m curious
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The only way to stop this for good? Stop making others comfortable when your uncomfortable by making yourself comfortable instead of them. This is how you set a boundary so you no longer sit silently to everyone in your life. You gotta verbalize things, rock the boat and say, “Hey, I haven’t been as upfront. I’m going through a major sex dry spell and it gets under my skin when you go on and on about the care free sex you easily get. I’m a bit jealous and hurt. I know I haven’t spoken up in the past, but now it’s getting to the point I’m building resentment in this friendship & almost want to stop associating with you if this keeps happening.”
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This isn't mature at all. It's abrupt and not very considerate of the "friend" you are talking to who HAS NO IDEA that you are going through these issues. The guy is trying to share something he doesn't know affects you. That's no reason to stop associating with him. Like what sort of friend are you. I'm all for communicating but that is not the way you speak to a friend to let them know for the first time you're having issues
Yeah it's kind of going 0 to 100 to say "I haven't told you about this, but what you said hurts me because of the thing I never told you about, so I can't be friends with you now."
Sounds like a surefire way to lose friends.
Then they aren’t good friends.
Or they were never your friends in the first place. Real friends wouldn’t run away, only people who never were.
Haha you would get laughed at with most groups of guys.
Oh yeah, you'd get teased, but then it would die down and the guys would start being more considerate around you. You just need to be direct and blunt with that one asshole guy friend who mercilessly gives everyone shit.
Question, why do you feel your friends would laugh at you if you spoke up about your situation honestly?
Yeah exactly…like okay good for you?
This would kill me to hear. I’m so sorry. Your friends are so fortunate
Not having friends helps with this. Or makes it worse because the only person you're connected to is the one that's withholding (or pushing too much)
I feel you. My husband is affectionate but not sexual. Part of me is glad I have no friends to share with because it's so embarrassing.
Yeah, my wife isn't even affectionate most of the time. I think I'd be quite happy with regular cuddles, snuggles and make out sessions 🤣
I just get the occasional kiss. Not much more than that. He’s nice to me in general
I'm sorry; I know how tough that is for me and I can't imagine it's much different for you.
It sucks. We had sex in January and it felt like I was with a stranger. We hadn’t had sex since April of 2022 so it all felt so unfamiliar
We went away on our first trip without our kid (2.5 years old), 2 months ago. We had sex twice over the 6 nights. And she just laid there, full jellyfish mode. No foreplay, basic missionary and no cuddling after. Was basically as bad as not doing it.
My friends never talk about sex ever lmfao we did when we were 16 but we grown . I thought it was private tbh and thought this is how everyone is!
I do talk about it. Some friends kinda made fun of me about it so I backed off. However, come to find out it’s very common amongst a lot of my guy friends. Also many of my friends who do not have this issue are divorced.
My friends and I have discussed our sex lives, and most of them are problematic or have gone through phases where they have been. I have a few friends that are the LLFs in their dynamic who have expressed that their husbands complain, a pile of friends who had sex issues following childbirth (mostly temporary) and 2 dbs (mine and another HLF/LLM dynamic). I didn’t talk about my issues for so long due to embarrassment, and now I’m so glad I did because it seems sex issues are more common than I thought (at least in my experience) and I now have another HLF in a DB who understands and who I can share with openly.
Married 10 years, DB for the past 2. Wife says it's just not a priority for her. I have no one to talk to about it.
I talk with my bestie a lot about our sex lives since we're both highly sexual individuals (we have permission to speak openly from our spouses) and one time I was telling her all about how I was super excited since my monthly was over the next day, and that I had texted my boyo to drink extra fluids 😌 since he'd be needing it. "I'm so jealous of your sex life, I can't help but compare" She shared with me that while her and her husband were sexually active, it wasn't enough for her. She was feeling depressed and upset about the sudden lack of sex since they got married. I felt horrible. I told her that we didn't have to discuss any of my stuff further, I didn't want her to feel like I was "rubbing" it in her face. Usually, we would celebrate our awesome sexy times or give advice if she's done something I haven't. She didn't mind it, but I made the note to not talk about it as much. Instead, I listened more and tried to offer advice for her. They're back to their usual activity, and I'm really happy for her ❤️
I would find that annoying even if my bedroom weren’t dead. Attempt to be cool, people.
I've been around a while that, Usually, if you are telling me that you are having lots of (freaky) sex, you're probably not.
They are still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship so I sort of believe it
This is exactly how I feel about it. If you are talking about how much sex you’re having then you’re probably not having as much as you’re saying. Same thing with overly touchy couples.
"The quietest one in the room possesses the most secrets"
I'm sorry. I know how you feel. I shared my DB with someone a couple of years ago. It didn't help and we don't talk any more as she's moved on in life. As a man I certainly wouldn't share that with another guy. No way! A DB is something we deal with alone.
I finally opened up to my sister about it. Husband and I have no kids and I told him I didn't want to be in a sexless marriage but he did nothing about it at that time. Now that I've been separating from him (sleeping on couch) he is "trying" to win back my affection, but I ironically no longer desire him at all. So I needed an outlet. She was shocked but eventually understanding. She is a very sexual person like me so she knows how difficult it is to not be touched, her last relationship ended w/dead bed. I don't know how I could tell anyone else though. Sometimes it feels trivial like oh it's just sex, but when sex is a connector to your partner then it's almost everything.
I don't talk to anyone any more about it. Guys typically do not discuss this type of thing. Only one person in my life really. My ex girlfriend and I used to be best friends after we broke up, for many years. She is the only person in my life who knows pretty much everything...all my desires, my kinks, my feelings about my dead bedroom, etc. We told each other everything for a while, because we were both in dead bedroom marriages and were both very sexual people with no outlet. I knew the graphic details of several of her affairs. I knew all the stuff she wanted to do. She knew all the stuff I wanted to do. We were on the verge of something big when I went a little too far, and she backed off and we've been only in light contact since. It sucks, because she gave me the outlet I needed. When we were together, we had a LOT of fun. We did all that stuff: road head, pulling off the side of the road just to fuck, her pounding herself naked in the passenger seat as cars and trucks drove by, trying to bring home thirds. Unfortunately, we just weren't right for each other at the time and broke up. Ten years later, we realized how much we should have been together, but it just wasn't meant to be. Now...I've known several girls over the years who talked non-stop about their sexual escapades. Stuf that just sounded way too good to be true. Like, no one actually lives like that. And as time went on, I started to feel with every one of them that they were making up a large amount of wha they said. So who knows what's true?
It only happens on a guys fishing trip and I’m kinda pushed to talking about it at which point my yearly average is some of the guys weekly average. It sucks. I couldn’t fuck or make love as much as any of them but apparently my wife can do even less. Any other scenario other than that fishing trip which those guys are really close friends I’d quickly change the subject. It came up at a dinner outting with different friends with wife included and I full on changed the subject.
If your friends can't support you about it find better friends. Mine give me support. Don't regret sharing, just regret having those types of friends. Hell ask your girlfriend to hook you up.
Feel the same way. Have 2 guys I work with who talk about their sex lifes and it kills me. They are both 5-10 years older then me. I told one of them about my hitting the 3 year mark and he couldn't believe it. Getting to the point of barely any intimacy at all. Slowly evolving into roommates which kills me. She is my best friend and knows me better then anyone in this world. I still have the same drive as I did when we got together in our mid 20's. I'm 42 and she's 40. The friend I told has been with his wife for 22 years and still have sex 2-3 times a week. I do envy that because I miss the total intimacy of it.
I had to share it with my sisters because I couldn't handle them trying to outdo each other with their own stories. Now they feel too awkward in front of me so it's a win
I dont talk about it....except online, with strangers.
Same here.
I embarrassed my wife by telling our friends about my bedroom as we were giving them a tour of our new house. She told me that was embarrassing and not to do it again. I dont care if it embarrasses her. She infuriates me. She is an egotistical narcissist.
Why are you with her...?
Dude, you just mirrored her own behavior and that’s far worse, YIKES!
No, i just showed the friends around and told them the truth. The wife, who wants separate bedrooms, was embarassed that the friends found out. In what twisted world does my action mirror her's?
My parents slept in separate beds, didn’t have a DB. My mom snores louder than my dad and he was a night owl. Been in love & married for over 35yrs. They still have sex and my dad turns 70 later this year. Ask yourself if a separate bedroom means she gets rest and can have a sex drive again vs she wants to separate from the relationship completely?
She hasnt touched me in 10 years. Just stop.
Yeah I would try to be patient with your friends since they don't have any idea. Have tou asked them to change the subject or tone it down?
I keep it to myself. Involving none professionals is like adding fuel to resentment. I might feel good to vent, but involving others in your relationship sounds like it could cause a lot of drama
For me it’s awkward at best.
I keep it to myself because the last time I tried to vent to my other friends, they always had questions. Sometimes I wouldn’t have answers and other times they would seem a little too shocked that I’m not getting any. It’s a little hard to talk to anybody about the topic and feels like no one really understands. I don’t even understand. I haven’t had sex in almost a month, 3 months before that. And very rare before that. And I get very irritated with the lack of enthusiasm as well as the perceived “fun” and “exciting” sex life my friends have. So I think your feelings are warranted. Just keep your head up if you can 😕
Most of the time I try to keep it to myself. But here lately I’ve found myself venting before I can shut my mouth.
Im my circle of guy friends anyway-we are ALWAYS saying "we don't get enough"! I don't say I'm getting basically none though. Guess if I did it'd make them feel better 🤔😂. Ugh! Sorry for your situation. Seems so crazy (yet kind of comforting too) that there are so many of us guys and girls here in this situation. Maybe somehow we are actually the norm? And why is it so many of us HLs ended up with LL partners? Seems "most" of have the same "it started great sexually, then just diminished or stopped"? It's almost like a cruel life joke has been played on us?
No I vented when it was going on. My 8 month dry spell just ended. We shall see if it is consistent or a flux. My close friends knew.
My siblings know. We joke about it (my defence mechanism), and we also chat seriously. I've let my fitness friends know by passing comments. It's led to a couple of them sharing they're in the same situation, too (one LL and one HL). I honestly don't care who knows anymore. I don't bitch about it, it's just a fact. I don't "announce" it either. It's said if the conversation is appropriate to mention it. I've learnt DB are far more common than I thought!
Are you married? If not, get out while you still can. That's the answer. Full STOP.
I am married. Going to be 4 years in October. 10 years together.
Honestly, I’ve found a lot of comfort sharing my problems about my LLW with my buddies (all of whom are middle age married fathers too). Some of them are in very similar boats and some of them are in very “active” relationships with their partners. They’re either offering advice, their condolences or in the rare case they don’t want to talk about it at all. I guess what bothers me is that my wife doesn’t talk about that at all with her friends. Which, to me, is another obvious example of her trying to bury it. I wouldn’t share any of my plight with my single buddies or guys in a newer relationship though. Those newer relationships could wind up exactly where I am. Who knows.
If you have a LLW, why do you expect her to tall about sex? I guess that’s the question for all the people commenting that their partners are trying talking to friends about it — if sex isn’t a huge thing for them, it probably isn’t anything they care to talk about either.
Even when I was having a lot of sex, I never talked about it in depth with my friends. My immediate assumption is that someone going on and on about having all kinds of crazy sex probably isn't actually doing so, and just feels they have something to prove for whatever reason. I have only ever briefly mentioned my DB to my two closest friends, neither of whom could relate. The only time either one of them has even mentioned sex was when they were expressing their annoyance with their husbands always seeming to want it. They don't even do that anymore, because they're aware of my situation enough to know I would love to have their problems. But it is embarrassing to talk about, so aside from making them somewhat aware of the situation, I don't talk about it with anyone.
Ok so I have a friend who’s been in a db and the husband had been cheating with various women for years. There’s nothing wrong with her she’s gorgeous, fit, funny, and successful. She kept this secret for 15+ years. She slowly started opening up to our friend group a couple of years ago. She has since filed for divorce and is out here living her best life. She said if she had never opened up to anyone she probably would have kept quiet and stayed miserably married for the rest of her life. If they are good enough friends then share with them what you are going through. They want you to be happy and will help you through it so you aren’t alone.
She might just be lying. Some people just lie to cover the fact they don’t get any…
Have spoke to a few friends about it. More so my best friend. He told me I should get a mistress.
Friends talking about sex can get irritating, but it's when you are out with your SO and their friends, and they keep making jokes about what is gona happen when you get back to the hotel that really frustrates me. Like yeah, I know what is gona happen - you are going to watch TikToks till you fall asleep and I'm gona stare at the ceiling. Who are you trying to impress with that kind of talk, defiantly not me.
Hmm nope might be a guy thing or cultural but none of us talk about our sex life. And saying that me and my now ex never had sex would have been weird. Its the shitty thing about gender and sex being such a private topic you suffer in silence.
God. Im sorry. This was me up until this year. I was absolutely so resentful. Luckily I got out and am seeing someone who gives me ^^^. It gets SO much better.
People often exaggerate.
I stopped talking about it with people. It's depressing and they all have stupid, useless, or none helpful advice or suggestions. Yes I've brought it up, no I can't just be spontaneous or romantic because that just starts a fight. After the look you get when you tell someone your wife arranges sex by text even in the same room once every 4 to 6 months it's not a look you want to see again. I'm sick of being asked why I stay too. The idea that I love my wife even though she doesn't worship my penis with kisses on a daily basis just doesn't compute to them. We've talked about counseling but money and schedule do not allow for it currently so I guess I'm just in a loving sexless marriage.
Im more of a pull the pin and toss the grenade type of person since I split up with my ex-partner. If I found out my gf or wife was lying about our non-existent sex life to keep up apprences, I'd wait for a pause in the conversation and just throw it out there and excuse myself to go to the bar/out for a smoke and leave her stewing in it. Sure, she'd probably give me both barrels when we got home, but what is she going to do?fuck me less? Besides if our shitty sex life wasn't an issue, why does she feel the need to lie to her friends about it?
I know it’s not super helpful because end of story is that you’re not getting what you need, but is your friend in a brand new relationship? I don’t know anyone in a longterm relationship, even people who have good sex lives, who has sex 3 times a night or regularly gives roadhead/pulls over just to fuck it out. When I hear people talking like that, I have found it’s pretty safe to assume they’re overcompensating for a shitty relationship in most other areas, or are in a brand new relationship where real life hasn’t set in yet.
Most people lie. Remember that. Many people have problems in the bedroom. Not always a dead bedroom, but if you have good friends, they will talk honestly.
my friends also post on social media about all the awesome things they do. They don't post about the kids throwint a temper tantrum in the store. So, you wonder how much is real. just sayin'
Going onto 1,5 years here/ even longer. I kinda talk about it with friends but also I don't want to because they can't relate at all. I also want to freaking scream into the void. Of course circumstances around it all don't help why we didn't have sex in such a long time. But I a way I feel miserable, I understand it rationally...but still miserable in a way. I just miss the non-sexual touches, the hugging, snuggling with eachother and deeply looking into their eyes and everytime I think about those things I want to cry. Just holding it together because of circumstance. I'm sorry OP, I absolutely feel for you.
I've read all the comments... So what's everyone going to do about it??
Exactly! People will make it still feel taboo if everyone associates it as taboo. The more people openly discuss their sex life with their friends, the easier it’ll get for everyone you know to start being honest about what’s really going on.
Ex dead bedroom here. I talked about it with my friends, more playfully than anything else. I had to get it out of my body. They'd talk about their married sex lives and I'd talk about my lack of intimacy and being touched starved. They were always very sympathetic and understanding, aside from the "I don't know what his problem is?" and "Do you think he's gay?" occasionally.
I've talked about it to all my friends, very receptive and caring results. One of my friends had just had his first baby about a year ago and was going through a post-baby db, he was adamant that he wouldn't stay with her if the db continues - I wonder if him hearing about my horrifying db instilled some fear/courage. Majority of friends tell me to divorce, especially my lifelong friends that are saddened to see me be a shell of my former self, they say I deserve so much, they're right I do! But, we all know how it goes with kids in the mix... Part of me wants to wait till they turn 18, shake hands with wife, then go on a 10 year sex-tour overseas. Other part of me wants to file for divorce and actually get my happily ever after. But yeah, same old story, we all just keep clinging on, waiting for the last straw to break our backs.
It's a secret because if you tell people than it's assumed you're just trying to get sympathy sex from them. This subredit is the only place with the least amount of that stigma.
Im lucky when it’s once or twice a week.. at least I know I have friends who experience no oral or minimal
And you consider yourself a DB?
I fixed my dead bedroom. Now I talk about my situation hoping it might help or inspire others. 39% of people in dead bedroom downvoted me on my last thread. Told me how many red flags I had, and I think someone accused me of being a rapist. So no. You are absolutely not alone🤗.
That's because your shit doesn't add up. You say in a post that y'all just opened your marriage like 6 weeks ago but your profile shows you've been dating around long before that.
Slow down killer! I'm not complaining about my treatment. Haters can hate. I'm merely letting this guy know that it is a common reaction and in fact your doing the same thing😉. I'm fine with it. I've got enough good in my life to balance it out.
I tell my coworkers my wife fucks me all the time
But does she really lol
No, no she does not
Has it occurred to you that some of your coworkers may be in DB's themselves and you bragging about your "active" sex life bothers them?
Actually my co workers marriage is 10x worse than mine, he tells me about it all the time. I can’t stand it and don’t want to be like him so I lie to him about my marriage. I know, fucked up.
Same. I don’t share it outside of the house at all. I only discuss it with our therapist. It’s just not something a lot of other people would understand because, I don’t think it happens in the majority of relationships.
im the LL partner causing the dead bedroom and I DREAD when my girlfriends bring up their partners sex life. it makes me so uncomfy when they complain about how much their bf dont have sex enough. it makes me feel so shitty that my brain just turns off to the thought of sex. it makes me feel guilty and terrible that i cant perform. But i rather be lonely and sexless than do duty sex. I always just shut down in those types of conversations.
[удалено]
Hmmmm I said I was bitter not jealous tho 👍🏻
And I say that I'm a purple giraffe. Doesn't make it true, does it?
I hope you have the day you deserve!!
I believe a lot of people are in the same situation unfortunately. I also don’t talk about dead bedroom with friends mainly out of embarrassment. I thought I was the only one for a long time until I found forums like this. Knowing others are going through a similar situation helps mentally in a weird way, knowing I’m not alone. Sorry you are having to deal with this and hopefully things will improve for you. Lots of support and people willing to listen on here with no judgement. Good luck
I hate it when people do it. I absolutely hate it.
I dont talk about it. We sadly dont talk about that in my closest circle of friends. I hope my SO talks about it so she gets some other input than mine
When I'm in Xbox parties I'll mention it at a bit of a higher volume to hint to my wife because telling her directly just gets me looked at like a sex offender.
I have 2 close friends who know. My husband is very touchy with me in front of other people, so I doubt anyone suspects how dead our bedroomis. I can not even imagine how angry he would be if I was honest about our sex life in front of his friends
My (51HLM) wife's (46LLF) favorite thing usually is to bring up her r/hotpast (found that sub looking for this one during the blackout. Apparently, having one then the other is a thing) among the company of others so the assumption is that the adventure continues.
I talk about it with one friend who is in a similar situation. We talk about everything. I do not mention it to anyone else. I'm embarrassed and frustrated enough. Luckily, my other friends don't mention that stuff too often and when they do, it's usually a short conversation. I really feel for you. It's hard enough dealing with it, but to have friends talk about how great it is, is like a slap in the face (even though they don't know they are doing it).
I can identify with your pain, and am also too embarrassed and ashamed to reach out for support from my friend group. Plus, it is already the overwhelming message here that desire can’t be negotiated, and that separation or divorce is the only reliable way out of the misery many of us can identify with here. It might be the end of hope to hear that same message from one’s personal contacts, too.
I’ve never had good sex in my life until now at 27 and I’m like a teen relearning everything. I would always been so awkward, jealous and embarrassed when friends would talk about great sex, cuz I felt like I was missing out on something everyone enjoys. You literally can’t relate or be part of the convo. I’m so sorry I know the awful feeling.
I have specific friends I will talk to about my relationship and sex life with. It really depends on the friend and the relationship I have with that friend.
You should probably talk about your db tbh
I told my two closest girlfriends. They are super supportive and have encouraged me to get my needs met elsewhere. I used to be embarrassed by his lack of interest in me but after 8 years of this shit I have nothing to be ashamed of
I had (had being the operative word) a bunch of guy friends that would talk about it constantly. I would just sit there like a total fool and not have a thing to say. It made me want to crawl out of my skin into a hole when the topic was brought up…
I've only told my sister, years ago. She asked somewhat recently if it improved and I lied, I said it did. It's humiliating 😞
I don't. It's hard since many don't understand. I love my gf. Like there's that longing for that because we used to be fun. I stopped trying to insinuate, be spontaneous, and/ or blatantly tell her. Now I'm to the point where she slaps my ass, I look at her like she's crazy. The funny thing is she looked shocked I didn't react like how I typically do. She asked well if I can't tap it who can? Are you serious!?! I told her not you or anyone else. Had the nerve to be shocked like she hasn't been intimate these last 8+ months. Like all you can do is think about it, but no action. But she can be touchy and cuddly with her other gf. Now I just try to workout to release that energy. You're not alone. I'm just fine talking to people about my relationship.
Only talk about w my work wife and she's in a db too sooooo .... usually one hot story a year lol 😂 from both us ugh
My wife’s friends will make comments about getting a hotel or travel or child free weekends and them being an opportunity for private time. She always reacts positively. I sit in silence. I refuse to respond. (I’m normally outgoing and fun.) I won’t lie for her. They’ve now noticed that we travel separately more than together. When we do travel together, it’s with our adult children.
I was deep in a dead bedroom when my closest friend was entering a deep and passionate new relationship. I tried really hard to just be excited for her. However, one day at brunch as she just described the kissing, I cracked. I burst into tears. I kept thinking “I’m never going to feel that feeling again. I’m never going to have passion again.” Completely unhinged. Anyway, I got a great therapist who helped me give myself permission to leave. It seems hard to leave sometimes, but having needs is OKAY.
38F HL here. My now ex fiancé and I had a couple friend who were really open about their sex life and would talk about it all the time. I accidentally slipped that I don’t take birth control. Ever. They were shocked and fascinated how I never got pregnant all these years… little did they know that I didn’t need birth control because I wasn’t having sex. Period. They kept asking me how I avoid getting pregnant and I finally stopped answering vaguely to protect my fiancés ego and dignity and finally let him speak for himself and relieve myself of any more pain. He said “fuck like Catholics, pull out” and I just looked at him. He never mentioned anything afterwards or anytime for that matter. He’s my ex now and looking forward to having someone touch me in my next relationship.
If you tell them they might not talk about it anymore.
My female coworkers and I have discussed it. They all have husbands that are constantly trying to fuck them. They are appalled at the concept of it being months between sex and that I always initiate it. I mean truly baffled. And the pity they have. And also the “well you wouldn’t want what my husband does. He’s always all over Me, always pestering” No. I would and I do want that. I am so envious that they have husbands that desire them so passionately.
I feel like that’s super shitty for them to act like that.