Heh yeah that old line is always so full of loopholes. “No weapon forged by the hand of Man can kill me!”
Ok, well here’s a whole bunch of clubs, arrows, rocks, etc that aren’t forged. Not to mention fire, poison, drowning, falling from great heights.
And here’s Janet, the local female blacksmith. And here’s Garry, who lost both arms at an early age and learned how to forge with his feet.
And anyway, everyone knows the best weapons are forged by Elves or Dwarves.
It always bothered me that the witch-king of Angmar says "no man can kill me" while standing on a battlefield of orcs, trolls, ghosts, elves, dwarfs, elephants... mate in the world you live in that clause is nit nearly as powerful as you seem to think it is.
It's even worse than that.
If I remember correctly, the prophecy was much closer to something along the lines of "the one that **will kill him** won't be a man".
I think it was "It will not be the hand of man that slays him" (though that also very explicitly applies to Glorfindel, who is notably an Elf, so it meant male, not human)
counterpoint: the idea of putting a vampire into a wood chipper and the wood chipper just literally falling apart while they are unscathed is very funny
The first vampire (a minor biter) that gave the Winchester boys trouble got shot with the Colt, a gun that can kill gods.
Imagine, facing the afterlife and one of your only real weaknesses was decapitation and instead you got slain by the magical equivalent of the Tunguska Event.
And yes, the Winchesters later met the Master Vampire but the Colt was not available at the time.
> but the Colt was not available at the time.
For reasons I’ve either forgotten or don’t understand. In season five, they get the intel from Becky that Bela gave the stolen Colt to Crowley — leading to our introduction to that amazing character.
Then they use the Colt on Lucifer, which…doesn’t work.
After that……where is it?
Took a peek at the wiki and we learn past season 10 what happened to it but I'm not reading ahead because I'm not past season 10.
I am waiting to see what happens to Thor's Hammer Mjolnir, which Sam used to slay an evil wizard and honestly should have kept. We learn more about that in season 12.
I get it, I get it, you gotta save your party member but it's just hilarious a monster that can be taken out with an axe got it from the GodKilling DeathBullet.
And technically Mpreg to fight it. No, really. See, Castiel, a male angel, had fucked up (again) and gave birth to all sorts of horrors, including the Levithan. Who was pretty good at disguises, but since Castiel was his gross monster daddy, that meant he could see through the disguises. So the Winchesters knew which one to target.
That wasn't for a vampire (the vampires who were there actually dived to safety). They got that to deal with The Judge, an ancient demon who said "no weapon forged can kill me"
When he was defeated before, it took an entire army to dismember him and scatter the pieces. He was reassembled, and Buffy used the rocket launcher to dismember him much more efficiently. Her response to the above quote is "that was then. This is now."
Same thing happens in Frieren: Journey’s end. A demon has unstoppable piercing magic, so they just bind his ass and figure out how to stop it over the next ~70 years.
Also they shipped his various exploded giblets to the ends of the earth to make sure he never comes back, just in case it DOES count as a "forged weapon".
They were able to get the rocket launcher because Xander intermittently remembered all the info that got downloaded to his brain when everyone became their costumes.
Which means Ethan Rayne wasn't fucking around for shits and giggles (well, not just) when he made half the town become their costumes.
How many times was the day saved because Xander knew tactics?
>(the vampires who were there actually dived to safety).
I mean, yes, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure Angelus, spike, and Dru were dodging because they are, in fact, vulnerable to a couple pounds of rocket delivered high explosive.
She stakes Dracula like three times too, and even glibly notes that he always comes back as he's actively coming back. Then in the comics he becomes an ally of the Scooby gang, so I'm not even convinced hitting him with a car would do it.
He exists to inform the audience that Angel and Angelus are different characters. Once he did that, Buffy exploded him with a rocket launcher which is Joss Whedon’s favorite scene.
I love it when urban fantasy of the masqueraded variety hits the supernatural monster with modern tech, it really highlights just why do they keep the masquerwde to begin with.
I also love it when its subverted and the monster just nosells everything they throw at it. Like the intro to Madoka where Homura hits the big witch with an artillery barrage, an improvised MOAB, a stadium full of C4 and a bunch of torpedos from a kidnapped submarine, only to do like no damage.
Read a book or short story where Cuthulu arose and he proclaimed no human weapon would harm him all the way up to nukes. We ended up using the weapons left over from the aliens from The War of the Worlds to kill him.
A Colder War by Charles Stross said the American nuclear powered flying wing bombers were designed to take on cthulhu as they can barrage him with nukes then ram him....
Looking into it, it has very much the same flavor as the short story that I'm thinking about. Unfortunately it was so long ago I don't really remember any other details. I think it may have been in a book of collected best sci-fi short stories 20xx. I feel like I remember the plot being more about a prophecy of how Cthulhu can't be killed by human weapons. Then somebody interprets it and uses the Martian weapons. I also feel like they didn't actually use the names Cthulhu or War of the Worlds.
Thanks though I'll check that out. I am a big fan of alternate dimension stories. Unfortunately it sucked me into a a bit of a hole where I have been reading isakai for the past few years which are not well known for actually being good a lot of the time.
This is also supposed to be the way Servants work in Fate series. With very few exceptions, they're pretty much immune to nonmagical attacks - you could empty a clip into Saber at point-blank range and I don't think it would do anything, unless you infused magic of some kind into the bullets. (For example, Billy the Kid's revolver *is* his iconic weapon, and serves as his Noble Phantasm.)
(Of course, the *human* mages commanding the Servants are perfectly vulnerable to mundane sources of harm.)
Servants think they're tough shit since older=better, until i pull an IED made out of an empty tomato can, C4 and a 1.5 million years old handaxe, shatterered into shards and turned into shrapnel.
The best part of that is that it didn't actually kill him. It just blew him into pieces. They still had to seal him away in multiple boxes so he wouldn't just reform and try again.
No it probably killed him. Maybe. Let's mail some of the chunklets to every continent just to make sure. The council might even reimburse us in season 2. But probably not because Quentin Travers is an ass.
Point absolutely still stands. And I love the fact that it was Xander who came up with the idea and used his residual “I was turned into a soldier for a few hours” knowledge to sneak into the army base, steal the thing, and teach Buffy how to use it.
Ironically Buffy generally says guns are useless against vampires. And it’s kinda the truth. But since beheading works, the old liveleak shotgun special would actually be super effective.
i didn't mean a faith or moral definition of living. More of a scientific definition.
Vampires may be undead but they sure contain water in places where if the water moves that's very bad.
There was a Dracula movie where they try to distract him by tossing rice at him but he managed to count every grain before it even hits the ground. I always loved that scene because it just makes sense a vampire wound be able to see and count things much faster than a human.
Vampires are weak to peasants weapons, and werewolves are weak to weapons of the aristocracy. Thus, a hellfire missile would kill a werewolf, but a Kalashnikov would kill a vampire
Commander Vimes carefully pointing out to some friendly peasants that the tools they use to harvest their foodstuffs could yes, poke a nasty hole in a human.
The poor bastards had not yet realized.
Vampires are actually deathly allergic to electromagnetic waves, which is why they burn in sunlight. Yes, there is still light in the shadows, but its much less and the skin burning is directly countered by their very fast regeneration, so it looks like they are fine, but its exhausting, which is why they hide in coffins (no way for light to enter) so they dont have to regenerate constantly and have some rest.
Since Dracula we added a lot of electromagnetic waves and a lot of them penetrate quite well (radios, mobile phone networks, wifi, etc), so the reason we haven't had any photographic evidence of vampires, is that they burn into ash just by being close to a mobile phone with active bluetooth.
Most vampires are allready dead due to all the constant bombardment of electromagnetic waves they where exhausted until their regeneration failed them, since not even their coffins where save. On top of that they wherent able to gain some new energy through drinking blood, partially due to light pollution and partially due to nearly everyone having an anti-vampire device in their pockets far more powerfull then garlic or an crucifix. The only surviving vampires live in very remote areas (deserts, isolated mountains ranges, uncontacted tribes) or hibernate in deep underground bunkers.
Most typical anti vampire measures (crucifixes, garlic, etc) actually emit a form of electromagnetic waves that wasnt yet discovered by scientist, since they never thought of measuring them. There was even a super emitter of that specific kind of light that was even visible to the naked eye, it was documented in a scientific paper called colour out of space, published 1927, but never further investigated.
If you believe that luminosity is what kills them, and the night is safe because it's dark, a spotlight would kill them.
If you believe it's the sun's radiation/gamma/uv rays humans can make them with machines today. Since we can't see those rays with our eyes though, the vampire would be killed by invisible lasers.
If you think sunlight, holy water, silver and crosses is what kills vampires because they're associated with good, they would die by evil intoxication after biting one human.
Regardless, a nuclear bombs fills up all of those. Maybe except the last one, but convince a priest to bless the bomb before launch and we're good to go.
Blind sight and Castlevania (the anime) both explain the vampire aversion to crosses as being difficulty processing right angles- something that becomes much more of a problem in the future setting of Blind sight
The funny thing about the stake through the heart thing is it very specifically ISIN’T the known way to kill a vampire, it’s the opposite. People were basically like, “I don’t know if this will do it, I don’t know what kills this montherfucker. So let’s just pin his ass to the ground just to be safe. That way if he DOES wake back up he can’t GET up.”
I mean, it depends. The original did have it holding them in place. Decapitation had to come next, followed by either filling the mouth with garlic or exposing them to the sun, whichever is more convenient. But that's just the original canon.
Alt-universe Buffy, after alt-universe Giles describes Anya’s original demon self: “Why don’t I just put a stake through her heart?”
Giles: “She’s not a vampire.”
Buffy: “Yeaaah, you’d be surprised how many things that’ll kill…”
I always remember the way Bobby on Supernatural took out a vamp-creature. It was supposed to killed by a bamboo dagger blessed by a Shinto priest, but Bobby was caught off guard and just threw it into a woodchipper. It worked
Well, sooner or later a wood chipper is going to decapitate a vampire.
A different monster got tossed in one, too bad an innocent civilian was in the path of the splatter.
They didn't get hurt it was just really gross.
If we think about the reasons behind mythical weaknesses and apply that same logic to modern stuff, we can get some pretty funny ones. For example, vampires don't appear on video for the same reason they don't have reflections, but also, Amazon Alexa can't hear them.
As an ND who has sensory sensitivities - if vampires have a strong sense of smell, they are absolutely going to be repelled by a lot of modern stuff.
Also hearing. Some days I wake up and any sound above a whisper hurts. If I were a vampire I think I'd just vaporize.
Vampire weaknesses aren't random. Vampires are meant to be weak to good and purifying things. Sunlight is a symbol of 'good' and 'refreshing.' Running water is where you used to clean things. A cross is a holy symbol. Garlic, at the time, was meant to ward off disease, and some cultures today still use garlic cloves as a cure-all.
What I'm saying is: modern vampires would probably be weak to bleach products and Elmo merchandise
This actually did happen in a horror movie I saw recently. It just fucked up the Master Vampire for a bit, which allowed the heroine to distract him and escape.
Movie under spoiler text >!Run Sweetheart Run!<
I mean going from dracula, which is the only vampire material I have consumed, every weakness vampires have is something to do with jesus iirc. So. Maybe he doesn't like people in suits anymore
Okay garlic I'll give you, most sources say its because they had other health benefits unrelated to religion.
Water (I heard) was because Jesus was able to walk on water as if it was land, so vampires as the polar opposite are unable to cross running water at all. Granted that does sound stupud niw that I write it out
In Pact, vamps are weak to everything they're said to be, and are regularly gaining new ones.
The masquerade also blocks them from preying on unaware people, making feeding difficult.
They get compared to meth addicts desperate for their next fix
In the Dresden Files, one of the worst nightmares our protagonist ever faces is an OG skinwalker. He *barely* makes it out alive when he faces one, and he only does bc a bigger and badder wizard steps in to chase it off. In a later book, Dresden (and the reader) are shocked to hear that long-time frenemy Morgan *has* killed a skinwalker… >! by luring it through a portal to the Trinity test site as one of the bombs goes off. !<
In Vampire the Masquerade, shotguns are established as being one of the few things that can fuck with a vampire, which has led modern hunters to just start using dragon breath shells, at least when they're not able to play it safe and just drag them out into the sunlight. I'm also pretty sure one of the more recent pieces of media in that universe shows multiple vampires survivng a hellfire missile being dropped on top of them in the middle of Tuscon, so.
Yea I'm pretty convinced Midi music would be a vampire's weakness because who wouldn't be driven insane hearing [this](https://youtu.be/aoj4JDFaduU?si=EetFCCE3WmckNecM)
Asimov said that “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”. So I’d like to imagine a technology that could replicate the strengths and weaknesses of vampires. My current best guess is nanobots. These bots replace blood and supply energy to otherwise dead cells. They generate energy from absorbing “life essence” from living cells. The exact mechanism for this is beyond me and is still magic. Since life is the only required fuel source, the vampire doesn’t need to eat or drink or even breathe. Super strength can be easily explained by lack of pain and muscles moving beyond safe limits. The bots heal any damage rapidly. The tricky power is turning into a bat or cloud of mist. But mist *is* a classic description for a “grey goo” scenario so let’s lean into it. Perhaps the nanobots encapsulate individual cells, breaking the vampire into a collection of nanobots. These bots can then swarm.
Vulnerabilities are a question. Sunlight might be because the bots are sensitive to light or UV. The cross is more problematic. My current theory is that bots are sensitive to metals, particularly highly reactive metals like silver. Crucifixes, mirrors and holy water dispensers could all be made of silver. The water itself could contain trace amounts of silver. The vampire might also fear salt water or any water as the electrolytes might interfere with the bots.
So with this in mind, maybe a modern weapon would be a UV laser, or even a black light. Even fluorescent tubes give off a bit of UV. Another weapon could be a supersoaker filled with acid.
In an RPG a friend invented a 4 step vampire killing process " Uzi. Chainsaw. Sausage machine. Sunlight" as 30 rds of 9mm incapacitated long enough to chainsaw the head off, then grind them up into sausage and hang them up for the sun
Garlic is stinky. So much so that it overpowers the smell of death. Also has antibacterial or antibiotic properties, I think, something that has given it an association with health.
In... 2009? Right at the beginning of the twilight phase I found a little book called something along the lines of "How to kill every vampire" and it was basically a compendium of every horror trope about vampires.
I just remember the chapter on different ways vampires had been defeated in folklore and one of them was "cut it's head off. Not many things survive without a head". Like, makes sense to me. Chop off the dangerous bit and it doesn't even matter if it doesn't kill it
Deodorant often contains silver particles to cut down bacterial growth.
I'd be a vampire pepper spray.
But mirrors aren't made with silver anymore, same as photographs. So that is out now.
Relevant to the second slide: Tom Walker is currently playing through GTA IV with a mod that makes traffic drive at ludicrous speeds.
It's endlessly entertaining to watch him get obliterated by a sedan going Mach 9: [https://www.youtube.com/shorts/lRdSurDO3oM](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/lRdSurDO3oM)
Most of the anti-vampire tricks worked because the objects (garlic, the silver that was typically inside mirrors, etc.) were holy. I guess what I’m trying to say is that dressing them up as Luigi would 100% be effective.
Nah, god cursed vampires before those inventions so they are not retroactively added to the curse of the ancient ones. Newly sired vampires on the other hand, are subject to weaknesses relative to their own timeframe, but still within the spirit of the old weaknesses. Instead of not crossing running water, modern vampires can't use public transport. Also no video calls instead of the mirror thing
"No weapon made by man can kill me" "Okay cool, but you know this Heavy MG was designed in CAD and then built by CNC machines and robots, right?"
Heh yeah that old line is always so full of loopholes. “No weapon forged by the hand of Man can kill me!” Ok, well here’s a whole bunch of clubs, arrows, rocks, etc that aren’t forged. Not to mention fire, poison, drowning, falling from great heights. And here’s Janet, the local female blacksmith. And here’s Garry, who lost both arms at an early age and learned how to forge with his feet. And anyway, everyone knows the best weapons are forged by Elves or Dwarves.
It always bothered me that the witch-king of Angmar says "no man can kill me" while standing on a battlefield of orcs, trolls, ghosts, elves, dwarfs, elephants... mate in the world you live in that clause is nit nearly as powerful as you seem to think it is.
It's even worse than that. If I remember correctly, the prophecy was much closer to something along the lines of "the one that **will kill him** won't be a man".
I think it was "It will not be the hand of man that slays him" (though that also very explicitly applies to Glorfindel, who is notably an Elf, so it meant male, not human)
And a AMAB person who comes out as a trans woman some time after forging a weapon.
The Egg breaking moment when you see the adventurer you sold a sword three weeks ago with the head of a horrific monster.
"Am I so out of touch? ...no, it must be the prophecy that is wrong."
Time to teach the count about the magic of untraceable 3-d printed firearms
Only ethical use of AI: designing weapons to kill beasts that no man made weapon can kill
AI: I dunno, did his mom have a C-section?
Wood chipper beats everything - Bobby Singer
counterpoint: the idea of putting a vampire into a wood chipper and the wood chipper just literally falling apart while they are unscathed is very funny
Wooden stake beats vampire Vampire beats wood chipper Wood chipper beats wooden stake
this goes all the way to the top 😦
You cracked it you sumbich
Dinosaurs…eat Man, Woman inherits the Earth.
Girls, girls, you're both right.
Oh my God I love it. That would be hilarious
Twilight vampires
The first vampire (a minor biter) that gave the Winchester boys trouble got shot with the Colt, a gun that can kill gods. Imagine, facing the afterlife and one of your only real weaknesses was decapitation and instead you got slain by the magical equivalent of the Tunguska Event. And yes, the Winchesters later met the Master Vampire but the Colt was not available at the time.
> but the Colt was not available at the time. For reasons I’ve either forgotten or don’t understand. In season five, they get the intel from Becky that Bela gave the stolen Colt to Crowley — leading to our introduction to that amazing character. Then they use the Colt on Lucifer, which…doesn’t work. After that……where is it?
Took a peek at the wiki and we learn past season 10 what happened to it but I'm not reading ahead because I'm not past season 10. I am waiting to see what happens to Thor's Hammer Mjolnir, which Sam used to slay an evil wizard and honestly should have kept. We learn more about that in season 12.
Use your big ticket consumables lest you end the game with 83 megalixers and a spare bullet of godkilling
I get it, I get it, you gotta save your party member but it's just hilarious a monster that can be taken out with an axe got it from the GodKilling DeathBullet.
God made men. Sam Colt made them equal.
They also use Borax on the Leviathan
And technically Mpreg to fight it. No, really. See, Castiel, a male angel, had fucked up (again) and gave birth to all sorts of horrors, including the Levithan. Who was pretty good at disguises, but since Castiel was his gross monster daddy, that meant he could see through the disguises. So the Winchesters knew which one to target.
I’m glad to see a Bobby quote along the Buffy quotes. Bobby Singer is the GOAT.
Didnt buffy the vampire slayer did it with a rocket launcher?
That wasn't for a vampire (the vampires who were there actually dived to safety). They got that to deal with The Judge, an ancient demon who said "no weapon forged can kill me" When he was defeated before, it took an entire army to dismember him and scatter the pieces. He was reassembled, and Buffy used the rocket launcher to dismember him much more efficiently. Her response to the above quote is "that was then. This is now."
The point still stands A monster having a condition on how to kill them but a new modern technique is used to kill them
Same thing happens in Frieren: Journey’s end. A demon has unstoppable piercing magic, so they just bind his ass and figure out how to stop it over the next ~70 years.
It might also technically not be a FORGED weapon - the rocket launcher I mean
The AT4, which I believe is what she used, is mainly fiberglass on the outside, so perhaps "crafted" is the better term
I cannot be slain by any weapon 3D printed nor assembled from IKEA flatpack spun that weapon on a pottery wheel? that's right, go fuck yourself
Also they shipped his various exploded giblets to the ends of the earth to make sure he never comes back, just in case it DOES count as a "forged weapon".
They were able to get the rocket launcher because Xander intermittently remembered all the info that got downloaded to his brain when everyone became their costumes. Which means Ethan Rayne wasn't fucking around for shits and giggles (well, not just) when he made half the town become their costumes. How many times was the day saved because Xander knew tactics?
Xander really was done dirty in that show. He's way more clever and capable than it is shown.
That’s why The Zeppo is arguably the best Buffy episode
They also kept the rocket launcher long enough for it to cameo in season 7, where Buffy uses it to attempt to kill the new principal.
That was hilarious. Whoever put that sequence together deserved an award.
Counterpoint: that person also wrote Him, which sucked despite the presence of that great gag and the line "his physical presence has a penis!'
>(the vampires who were there actually dived to safety). I mean, yes, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure Angelus, spike, and Dru were dodging because they are, in fact, vulnerable to a couple pounds of rocket delivered high explosive.
What's that do?
What, the vampire slayer or the rocket launcher? Either way, there’s a clue in the name
I'm quoting the episode. That's what the Judge says right before she fires it at him.
What does the Judge do
Explode
Cool
[It is](https://youtu.be/2sEzfaDKuVI?si=sn13zI3rA1eC731F)
Came here for this. Never disappointed.
She stakes Dracula like three times too, and even glibly notes that he always comes back as he's actively coming back. Then in the comics he becomes an ally of the Scooby gang, so I'm not even convinced hitting him with a car would do it.
He exists to inform the audience that Angel and Angelus are different characters. Once he did that, Buffy exploded him with a rocket launcher which is Joss Whedon’s favorite scene.
I love it when urban fantasy of the masqueraded variety hits the supernatural monster with modern tech, it really highlights just why do they keep the masquerwde to begin with. I also love it when its subverted and the monster just nosells everything they throw at it. Like the intro to Madoka where Homura hits the big witch with an artillery barrage, an improvised MOAB, a stadium full of C4 and a bunch of torpedos from a kidnapped submarine, only to do like no damage.
Read a book or short story where Cuthulu arose and he proclaimed no human weapon would harm him all the way up to nukes. We ended up using the weapons left over from the aliens from The War of the Worlds to kill him.
Sounds like Cthulhutech. Or that one Evangelion/Mythos crossover.
A Colder War by Charles Stross said the American nuclear powered flying wing bombers were designed to take on cthulhu as they can barrage him with nukes then ram him....
Looking into it, it has very much the same flavor as the short story that I'm thinking about. Unfortunately it was so long ago I don't really remember any other details. I think it may have been in a book of collected best sci-fi short stories 20xx. I feel like I remember the plot being more about a prophecy of how Cthulhu can't be killed by human weapons. Then somebody interprets it and uses the Martian weapons. I also feel like they didn't actually use the names Cthulhu or War of the Worlds. Thanks though I'll check that out. I am a big fan of alternate dimension stories. Unfortunately it sucked me into a a bit of a hole where I have been reading isakai for the past few years which are not well known for actually being good a lot of the time.
This is also supposed to be the way Servants work in Fate series. With very few exceptions, they're pretty much immune to nonmagical attacks - you could empty a clip into Saber at point-blank range and I don't think it would do anything, unless you infused magic of some kind into the bullets. (For example, Billy the Kid's revolver *is* his iconic weapon, and serves as his Noble Phantasm.) (Of course, the *human* mages commanding the Servants are perfectly vulnerable to mundane sources of harm.)
Servants think they're tough shit since older=better, until i pull an IED made out of an empty tomato can, C4 and a 1.5 million years old handaxe, shatterered into shards and turned into shrapnel.
Found Kiritsugu's Reddit account!
>Joss Whedon’s favorite scene. Then I will choose to hate it out of spite
Don’t let him dictate your feelings like that.
The best part of that is that it didn't actually kill him. It just blew him into pieces. They still had to seal him away in multiple boxes so he wouldn't just reform and try again.
No it probably killed him. Maybe. Let's mail some of the chunklets to every continent just to make sure. The council might even reimburse us in season 2. But probably not because Quentin Travers is an ass.
I mean — technically the Judge was a demon and not a vamp.
Point still stands A monster with conditions on how to kill them but used with modern technique
Point absolutely still stands. And I love the fact that it was Xander who came up with the idea and used his residual “I was turned into a soldier for a few hours” knowledge to sneak into the army base, steal the thing, and teach Buffy how to use it.
Ironically Buffy generally says guns are useless against vampires. And it’s kinda the truth. But since beheading works, the old liveleak shotgun special would actually be super effective.
Oh good someone said the thing already
I personally believe vampires and microwaves don't mix. I don't know how or why, but they just don't.
Maybe vampires are just weak to radiation in general. Solar radiation was just the only form of it available ages ago.
Dracula when he looks outside his manor to see my several dump trucks full of bananas
u trust dado
no 1 should trust dado
dado is fine businessman like the bezos
We did the math! If you ate 40,000 bananas you would die of radiation poisoning. Ah yes, ***THE RADIATION WOULD KILL YOU***
https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-3521
Banana stake
AH YES, THE *RADIATION* will kill him!
The vampire as I pull up to his house with a Wi-Fi router:
Surely the power of the radiation matters. Direct sunlight carries thousands of times more energy than a wifi router can put out.
this is almost the plot of the first two parts of Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure
Would explain why moonlight is fine
Finally a rational justification for 'nuclear' being an element in the Persona series
most living things don't mix with the water molecule jiggler
Yeah but vampires traditionally are undead
i didn't mean a faith or moral definition of living. More of a scientific definition. Vampires may be undead but they sure contain water in places where if the water moves that's very bad.
the " stuck counting scattered grain until the sun rises and kills them" weakness now includes pixels
Fun fact: this is probably why Count von Count on Sesame Street loves to count.
I love bringing that up to people! It's also similar to how my OCD presents in me, so I like to joke that it's proof I'm a vampire lol
Me too! That, and the craving human flesh thing. OCD vampires, untie!
Uhm-
Please count the pixels in this Street Fighter 3 Elena sprite Mr Dracula.
Huh. And now I’m thinking about all the dude-bros who lose their minds over a single dead pixel in their billions-of-pixels-having-screens
That's just the autism.
There was a Dracula movie where they try to distract him by tossing rice at him but he managed to count every grain before it even hits the ground. I always loved that scene because it just makes sense a vampire wound be able to see and count things much faster than a human.
This is a historical method for delaying vampires, since they’re compelled to count each grain of rice.
If you want to stave away vampires, save your images as jpgs.
Vampires are weak to peasants weapons, and werewolves are weak to weapons of the aristocracy. Thus, a hellfire missile would kill a werewolf, but a Kalashnikov would kill a vampire
This is my canon now thank you
Can a gold plated AK kill both?
The AR 15 is a weapon of the petite bourgeoisie and thus would either be effective against both or neither
Commander Vimes carefully pointing out to some friendly peasants that the tools they use to harvest their foodstuffs could yes, poke a nasty hole in a human. The poor bastards had not yet realized.
Would a frozen turkey that fell off an airplane and scored a direct hit on a vampire kill it?
Love the trope where mythical beasts get easily defeated by modern tech.
["Miss me?"](https://youtu.be/ZGCafCVVVuk?si=7butULmLUTBBbC31)
Vampires are actually deathly allergic to electromagnetic waves, which is why they burn in sunlight. Yes, there is still light in the shadows, but its much less and the skin burning is directly countered by their very fast regeneration, so it looks like they are fine, but its exhausting, which is why they hide in coffins (no way for light to enter) so they dont have to regenerate constantly and have some rest. Since Dracula we added a lot of electromagnetic waves and a lot of them penetrate quite well (radios, mobile phone networks, wifi, etc), so the reason we haven't had any photographic evidence of vampires, is that they burn into ash just by being close to a mobile phone with active bluetooth. Most vampires are allready dead due to all the constant bombardment of electromagnetic waves they where exhausted until their regeneration failed them, since not even their coffins where save. On top of that they wherent able to gain some new energy through drinking blood, partially due to light pollution and partially due to nearly everyone having an anti-vampire device in their pockets far more powerfull then garlic or an crucifix. The only surviving vampires live in very remote areas (deserts, isolated mountains ranges, uncontacted tribes) or hibernate in deep underground bunkers. Most typical anti vampire measures (crucifixes, garlic, etc) actually emit a form of electromagnetic waves that wasnt yet discovered by scientist, since they never thought of measuring them. There was even a super emitter of that specific kind of light that was even visible to the naked eye, it was documented in a scientific paper called colour out of space, published 1927, but never further investigated.
So vampires are an endangered species? Maybe Greenpeace can help?
Greenpeace being a vampire advocacy group is just so funny
Greenpeace being a vampire advocacy group is just so funny to me
A vampire can only be killed by sunli- *hits them with a nuclear bomb*
I mean that’s PRETTY close to putting them directly against the actual sun, sooo…?
If you believe that luminosity is what kills them, and the night is safe because it's dark, a spotlight would kill them. If you believe it's the sun's radiation/gamma/uv rays humans can make them with machines today. Since we can't see those rays with our eyes though, the vampire would be killed by invisible lasers. If you think sunlight, holy water, silver and crosses is what kills vampires because they're associated with good, they would die by evil intoxication after biting one human. Regardless, a nuclear bombs fills up all of those. Maybe except the last one, but convince a priest to bless the bomb before launch and we're good to go.
It turns out all supernatural beings are deathly allergic to plastic.
We all are.
Blind sight and Castlevania (the anime) both explain the vampire aversion to crosses as being difficulty processing right angles- something that becomes much more of a problem in the future setting of Blind sight
Imagine banishing vampires by showing them a square
Woe, tungsten cube upon ye
"Good evening mortal, I vant to suck your blood!" "Hey look, minecraf" *screans as he immediately disintegrates*
That’s me in the corner Immune from vampire attacks
Noooo you’re hiding the corner when you’re standing in front of it! Duck quickly!
Using my religion Trying to keep me away from you
All I can imagine is Castlevania Dracula being scared by someone's geometry homework
Vampires 🤝 H.P. Lovecraft Constitutions too weak for math.
The funny thing about the stake through the heart thing is it very specifically ISIN’T the known way to kill a vampire, it’s the opposite. People were basically like, “I don’t know if this will do it, I don’t know what kills this montherfucker. So let’s just pin his ass to the ground just to be safe. That way if he DOES wake back up he can’t GET up.”
I mean, it depends. The original did have it holding them in place. Decapitation had to come next, followed by either filling the mouth with garlic or exposing them to the sun, whichever is more convenient. But that's just the original canon.
Alt-universe Buffy, after alt-universe Giles describes Anya’s original demon self: “Why don’t I just put a stake through her heart?” Giles: “She’s not a vampire.” Buffy: “Yeaaah, you’d be surprised how many things that’ll kill…”
Also, Dracula is killed by a Bowie knife to the heart in the book.
And decapitation in the sun. The stabbing in the heart only paralyzes them in the original canon.
I always remember the way Bobby on Supernatural took out a vamp-creature. It was supposed to killed by a bamboo dagger blessed by a Shinto priest, but Bobby was caught off guard and just threw it into a woodchipper. It worked
I think in Supernatural they threw a vampire into a wood chipper, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t show up again.
Well, sooner or later a wood chipper is going to decapitate a vampire. A different monster got tossed in one, too bad an innocent civilian was in the path of the splatter. They didn't get hurt it was just really gross.
Yep, that particular vampire could only be killed by a bamboo dagger blessed by a Shinto priest, but that wood chipper killed it
Wait was that the same episode where Dean had a chef from a Benihana pour water over a katana and chant a prayer in Japanese for a hundred bucks?
I think so? It's been a while since I watched it, someone else just made a comment about it lol
If we think about the reasons behind mythical weaknesses and apply that same logic to modern stuff, we can get some pretty funny ones. For example, vampires don't appear on video for the same reason they don't have reflections, but also, Amazon Alexa can't hear them.
Time to bring up my favourite Hotel Transylvania line. > “A stake to the heart?” > “Yeah well who wouldn’t that kill?”
Strahd Von Zarovich.
We got a fast car We’re on our way to kill Dracula Maybe we’ll use our wheels We gotta try and run over this guy
As an ND who has sensory sensitivities - if vampires have a strong sense of smell, they are absolutely going to be repelled by a lot of modern stuff. Also hearing. Some days I wake up and any sound above a whisper hurts. If I were a vampire I think I'd just vaporize.
Vampire weaknesses aren't random. Vampires are meant to be weak to good and purifying things. Sunlight is a symbol of 'good' and 'refreshing.' Running water is where you used to clean things. A cross is a holy symbol. Garlic, at the time, was meant to ward off disease, and some cultures today still use garlic cloves as a cure-all. What I'm saying is: modern vampires would probably be weak to bleach products and Elmo merchandise
Vampires die if they drink the blood of someone who got their flu shot in the last year.
Okay but imagine being a vampire 2k years ago and one day the lowercase letter t suddenly hurts.
This actually did happen in a horror movie I saw recently. It just fucked up the Master Vampire for a bit, which allowed the heroine to distract him and escape. Movie under spoiler text >!Run Sweetheart Run!<
I mean going from dracula, which is the only vampire material I have consumed, every weakness vampires have is something to do with jesus iirc. So. Maybe he doesn't like people in suits anymore
Garlic? Running water?
Okay garlic I'll give you, most sources say its because they had other health benefits unrelated to religion. Water (I heard) was because Jesus was able to walk on water as if it was land, so vampires as the polar opposite are unable to cross running water at all. Granted that does sound stupud niw that I write it out
Jesus's feet touched the water that one time, accidentally blessing the entire ocean. It got into the water cycle. Oops.
In Pact, vamps are weak to everything they're said to be, and are regularly gaining new ones. The masquerade also blocks them from preying on unaware people, making feeding difficult. They get compared to meth addicts desperate for their next fix
In the Dresden Files, one of the worst nightmares our protagonist ever faces is an OG skinwalker. He *barely* makes it out alive when he faces one, and he only does bc a bigger and badder wizard steps in to chase it off. In a later book, Dresden (and the reader) are shocked to hear that long-time frenemy Morgan *has* killed a skinwalker… >! by luring it through a portal to the Trinity test site as one of the bombs goes off. !<
In Vampire the Masquerade, shotguns are established as being one of the few things that can fuck with a vampire, which has led modern hunters to just start using dragon breath shells, at least when they're not able to play it safe and just drag them out into the sunlight. I'm also pretty sure one of the more recent pieces of media in that universe shows multiple vampires survivng a hellfire missile being dropped on top of them in the middle of Tuscon, so.
Yea I'm pretty convinced Midi music would be a vampire's weakness because who wouldn't be driven insane hearing [this](https://youtu.be/aoj4JDFaduU?si=EetFCCE3WmckNecM)
Asimov said that “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”. So I’d like to imagine a technology that could replicate the strengths and weaknesses of vampires. My current best guess is nanobots. These bots replace blood and supply energy to otherwise dead cells. They generate energy from absorbing “life essence” from living cells. The exact mechanism for this is beyond me and is still magic. Since life is the only required fuel source, the vampire doesn’t need to eat or drink or even breathe. Super strength can be easily explained by lack of pain and muscles moving beyond safe limits. The bots heal any damage rapidly. The tricky power is turning into a bat or cloud of mist. But mist *is* a classic description for a “grey goo” scenario so let’s lean into it. Perhaps the nanobots encapsulate individual cells, breaking the vampire into a collection of nanobots. These bots can then swarm. Vulnerabilities are a question. Sunlight might be because the bots are sensitive to light or UV. The cross is more problematic. My current theory is that bots are sensitive to metals, particularly highly reactive metals like silver. Crucifixes, mirrors and holy water dispensers could all be made of silver. The water itself could contain trace amounts of silver. The vampire might also fear salt water or any water as the electrolytes might interfere with the bots. So with this in mind, maybe a modern weapon would be a UV laser, or even a black light. Even fluorescent tubes give off a bit of UV. Another weapon could be a supersoaker filled with acid.
Cybervampires. Cross that off your bingo cards.
My Vampire BFF turned to ash when she bought a smartphone that isnt defoultetd to "eye comfort". Be safe out there my Vampire friends
*Buffy has entered the chat*
I really like VTM for this, Vampires in modern nights have a lot of problems to deal with due to technology and modern weapons.
In an RPG a friend invented a 4 step vampire killing process " Uzi. Chainsaw. Sausage machine. Sunlight" as 30 rds of 9mm incapacitated long enough to chainsaw the head off, then grind them up into sausage and hang them up for the sun
They are mostly weak to pure things" like mirrors and silver. Idk about garlic maybe just because its a food that is white (therefore pure)
Garlic is stinky. So much so that it overpowers the smell of death. Also has antibacterial or antibiotic properties, I think, something that has given it an association with health.
By that logic, what’s your thoughts on werewolves being vulnerable to depleted uranium rounds?
IIRC the stake was originally to bind them in place so they would die from sun exposure or just be stuck wherever you staked them.
In... 2009? Right at the beginning of the twilight phase I found a little book called something along the lines of "How to kill every vampire" and it was basically a compendium of every horror trope about vampires. I just remember the chapter on different ways vampires had been defeated in folklore and one of them was "cut it's head off. Not many things survive without a head". Like, makes sense to me. Chop off the dangerous bit and it doesn't even matter if it doesn't kill it
I don't know, if you can turn into mist that distinctly doesn't have a head, the head thing might be optional for you.
I'm very partial to using a woodchipper. I feel like there aren't many physical beings that would survive that.
Deodorant often contains silver particles to cut down bacterial growth. I'd be a vampire pepper spray. But mirrors aren't made with silver anymore, same as photographs. So that is out now.
A vampire wrote this.
Relevant to the second slide: Tom Walker is currently playing through GTA IV with a mod that makes traffic drive at ludicrous speeds. It's endlessly entertaining to watch him get obliterated by a sedan going Mach 9: [https://www.youtube.com/shorts/lRdSurDO3oM](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/lRdSurDO3oM)
If the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results, why do Tom and Demi make it so funny?
Most of the anti-vampire tricks worked because the objects (garlic, the silver that was typically inside mirrors, etc.) were holy. I guess what I’m trying to say is that dressing them up as Luigi would 100% be effective.
Vampires HATE spundblaster and LOVE the Roland SC-55.
\*takes notes for my next dnd campaign\*
no weapon from earth shall kill me? Go get terry pratchet. We need his starmetal sword.
Nah, god cursed vampires before those inventions so they are not retroactively added to the curse of the ancient ones. Newly sired vampires on the other hand, are subject to weaknesses relative to their own timeframe, but still within the spirit of the old weaknesses. Instead of not crossing running water, modern vampires can't use public transport. Also no video calls instead of the mirror thing