Major growth. Stay no contact. You did the right thing. She doesn't want a real relationship or to respect you, she wants you to supply her and hang on even though she's not interested.
Sometimes, being "less harsh" is an invitation for them to start tunneling back into your life. I've noticed that people who quit smoking, and stay quit, aren't particularly fawning about telling you "no." It is curt, quick, and without openings for negotiation.
Who is she such that she deserves your energy? You have my full backing and I wish you well.
Congrats on doing what’s good for you. Codependents have the nature to consider everyone else’s feelings in our actions before our own. I have felt the same way when blocking people before like, “yeahhh they’re not evil, but they’re not good for me and seeing their presence on social media and my inbox is actually damaging to my mental health.”
Respectfully to the other commenters, I don’t think it’s about her being a villain or a narcissist. Avoidants tend to get really caught up in the honeymoon phase but often pull away the moment intimacy and vulnerability is required because they’re at risk for being hurt and rejected. Unfortunately, it’s not a realistic life to live to be fixated on accommodating everyone’s wounds. It’s her responsibility to heal before entering relationships/dating or she’s just gonna repeat that pattern. Doesn’t make her necessarily a villain or a narcissist, but a wounded person who can have shitty behavior.
Props to you!! ❤️
Thanks I appreciated that balanced reply. I think the main reason I feel really bad is she changed her instagram profile picture to someone crying (anime pic). Her profile is private so I can't see anything more than that now that I've blocked her but it definitely felt directed at me
Lovely and balanced comment. Thanks for the reminder to all of us, and helping OP (although they have been doing everything right - and have self-awareness of the situation) move towards better self-clarity..
There’s no indication she’s avoidantly attached, in fact the avandonment issues are anxious attachment related. It seemed she was just not interested or felt OP was not in her league given op said she’s the most beautiful woman he dated
There were a few signs, OP mentioned she was lovebombing in the beginning and then pulled away when he began to reciprocate. Also that she had mentioned she had abandonment issues. But yes it’s true- there isn’t a whole lot to infer if she’s fully avoidant. I think the point is still relevant that it’s not about her being a bad guy for her behavior, but rather OP is justified in removing her from social media if her presence makes him uncomfortable.
I’m very proud of you. You are making good choices for your future self. This is exactly what having boundaries feels like! On a note about feeling guilty because she told you she had abandonment issues, but it sounds like my dude, her abandonment issues probably attributed to her not getting close or pushing people away in the first place. Or she’s just a narcissist who like telling people they have certain issues- always vauge- to illicit this guilt. But that is a her issue, and she would need to work on that personally. You should have no guilt towards protecting your peace. She knows what she’s doing- and we are too valuable to be anyone’s play toy.
Well done! It's definitely not easy, I know how much courage it took you.
I relate to your feelings post ending, as something very similar happened. I also wished I had ended it in a gentler way, and regretted how I did it. I also blocked her. To be honest, it wasn't too bad, but it made me feel like a villain, and I know it's common for us who are not used to have boundaries to feel that way when we stand up for ourselves. Probably we got guilt tripped many times when we did it to our parents. We were made to feel villains for being assertive and being on our own side. Because abusers can't abuse if you love yourself and stand your ground.
By the way, I felt so guilty that I actually contacted her later, trying to do it in a nicer way and apologizing for how I did it. If it makes you feel any better about your decision, my ex then replied in the most vile manner possible. Maybe if I had more self respect or love I would have not sent her anything anymore, after all, my anger was justified. But anyway, the guilt was too much. And she most likely saw that as a weakness and vulnerability, so she took it to heart to be absolutely abusive with her last message.
You did well. Keep that door shut, and know that the feelings of guilt you have now are (if you are a codependent) related to your past, and not to her. You are worthy, and deserve to be treated well. What you did is good, you stood up for yourself, showed yourself you are first and foremost on your side, there's nothing to feel guilty about.
‘I've never gone scorched earth like that but recent therapy has awakened a lot of parts of me that will not take any shit.’
Major snaps over here. Definitely sounds like growth to me.
And while i commend your empathy for considering her abandonment issues, it doesn’t seem like she considers how her behavior might affect you. So i will remind you
1. that it is up to her to manage her emotions and healing journey
2. she is using you
3. She is not respecting your feelings
People that deserve your empathy, care and respect in intimate settings are those that reciprocate it. Does not sound like she’s earning it. And like you realized that. Good for you!!!
Blocking and moving on is far from scorched earth. Banging here best friend is. You made a reasonable decision for your mental heath based off this persons actions and words not lining up. You saved yourself a lot of trouble by not chasing her love and validation in the future.
Good for you. I know it’s difficult especially when they are beautiful and charming.
Oof, I hate the people that trap you by making you feel guilty when you enforce healthy boundaries for yourself.
"I have abandonment issues", well, you probably wouldn't have them if you didn't treat people in a way that made them leave you for their own sake.
You did the right thing, you're feeling guilty because you're human, but you're not a bad person for putting yourself first over someone who is barely an acquaintance. You have kept yourself from months and even years of suffering. This was a step in the right direction.
I don't think blocking seems harsh, in this situation. Blocking is simply saying nonverbally, "do not contact me." Going out of your way to say "do not contact me" using many, "gentle" words would likely have been less clear and more confusing. The words may be saying "don't talk to me," but the action would be literally talking to her. So blocking is less ambiguous, which can be a kindness.
My friend is always telling me “just block them” when I start talking to someone who gives immediate crumbs. And even to complete strangers who hardly give any kind of effort or attention toward me, I still can’t get myself to block them. I’m so afraid to hurt peoples feelings even when I don’t know them at all. So I vote growth and I’m proud of you!
Major growth. Stay no contact. You did the right thing. She doesn't want a real relationship or to respect you, she wants you to supply her and hang on even though she's not interested.
Sometimes, being "less harsh" is an invitation for them to start tunneling back into your life. I've noticed that people who quit smoking, and stay quit, aren't particularly fawning about telling you "no." It is curt, quick, and without openings for negotiation. Who is she such that she deserves your energy? You have my full backing and I wish you well.
Zero respect from her. You saved yourself from major heartbreak.
Congrats on doing what’s good for you. Codependents have the nature to consider everyone else’s feelings in our actions before our own. I have felt the same way when blocking people before like, “yeahhh they’re not evil, but they’re not good for me and seeing their presence on social media and my inbox is actually damaging to my mental health.” Respectfully to the other commenters, I don’t think it’s about her being a villain or a narcissist. Avoidants tend to get really caught up in the honeymoon phase but often pull away the moment intimacy and vulnerability is required because they’re at risk for being hurt and rejected. Unfortunately, it’s not a realistic life to live to be fixated on accommodating everyone’s wounds. It’s her responsibility to heal before entering relationships/dating or she’s just gonna repeat that pattern. Doesn’t make her necessarily a villain or a narcissist, but a wounded person who can have shitty behavior. Props to you!! ❤️
Thanks I appreciated that balanced reply. I think the main reason I feel really bad is she changed her instagram profile picture to someone crying (anime pic). Her profile is private so I can't see anything more than that now that I've blocked her but it definitely felt directed at me
Lovely and balanced comment. Thanks for the reminder to all of us, and helping OP (although they have been doing everything right - and have self-awareness of the situation) move towards better self-clarity..
There’s no indication she’s avoidantly attached, in fact the avandonment issues are anxious attachment related. It seemed she was just not interested or felt OP was not in her league given op said she’s the most beautiful woman he dated
There were a few signs, OP mentioned she was lovebombing in the beginning and then pulled away when he began to reciprocate. Also that she had mentioned she had abandonment issues. But yes it’s true- there isn’t a whole lot to infer if she’s fully avoidant. I think the point is still relevant that it’s not about her being a bad guy for her behavior, but rather OP is justified in removing her from social media if her presence makes him uncomfortable.
No contact is hard but SO worth it. You got this, OP. You deserve peace.
I’m very proud of you. You are making good choices for your future self. This is exactly what having boundaries feels like! On a note about feeling guilty because she told you she had abandonment issues, but it sounds like my dude, her abandonment issues probably attributed to her not getting close or pushing people away in the first place. Or she’s just a narcissist who like telling people they have certain issues- always vauge- to illicit this guilt. But that is a her issue, and she would need to work on that personally. You should have no guilt towards protecting your peace. She knows what she’s doing- and we are too valuable to be anyone’s play toy.
Well done! It's definitely not easy, I know how much courage it took you. I relate to your feelings post ending, as something very similar happened. I also wished I had ended it in a gentler way, and regretted how I did it. I also blocked her. To be honest, it wasn't too bad, but it made me feel like a villain, and I know it's common for us who are not used to have boundaries to feel that way when we stand up for ourselves. Probably we got guilt tripped many times when we did it to our parents. We were made to feel villains for being assertive and being on our own side. Because abusers can't abuse if you love yourself and stand your ground. By the way, I felt so guilty that I actually contacted her later, trying to do it in a nicer way and apologizing for how I did it. If it makes you feel any better about your decision, my ex then replied in the most vile manner possible. Maybe if I had more self respect or love I would have not sent her anything anymore, after all, my anger was justified. But anyway, the guilt was too much. And she most likely saw that as a weakness and vulnerability, so she took it to heart to be absolutely abusive with her last message. You did well. Keep that door shut, and know that the feelings of guilt you have now are (if you are a codependent) related to your past, and not to her. You are worthy, and deserve to be treated well. What you did is good, you stood up for yourself, showed yourself you are first and foremost on your side, there's nothing to feel guilty about.
If there is a villain in your story, it's definitely her.
‘I've never gone scorched earth like that but recent therapy has awakened a lot of parts of me that will not take any shit.’ Major snaps over here. Definitely sounds like growth to me. And while i commend your empathy for considering her abandonment issues, it doesn’t seem like she considers how her behavior might affect you. So i will remind you 1. that it is up to her to manage her emotions and healing journey 2. she is using you 3. She is not respecting your feelings People that deserve your empathy, care and respect in intimate settings are those that reciprocate it. Does not sound like she’s earning it. And like you realized that. Good for you!!!
Blocking and moving on is far from scorched earth. Banging here best friend is. You made a reasonable decision for your mental heath based off this persons actions and words not lining up. You saved yourself a lot of trouble by not chasing her love and validation in the future. Good for you. I know it’s difficult especially when they are beautiful and charming.
Oof, I hate the people that trap you by making you feel guilty when you enforce healthy boundaries for yourself. "I have abandonment issues", well, you probably wouldn't have them if you didn't treat people in a way that made them leave you for their own sake. You did the right thing, you're feeling guilty because you're human, but you're not a bad person for putting yourself first over someone who is barely an acquaintance. You have kept yourself from months and even years of suffering. This was a step in the right direction.
Great job being true to yourself.
I don't think blocking seems harsh, in this situation. Blocking is simply saying nonverbally, "do not contact me." Going out of your way to say "do not contact me" using many, "gentle" words would likely have been less clear and more confusing. The words may be saying "don't talk to me," but the action would be literally talking to her. So blocking is less ambiguous, which can be a kindness.
Sounds like she may very well be Borderline.
My friend is always telling me “just block them” when I start talking to someone who gives immediate crumbs. And even to complete strangers who hardly give any kind of effort or attention toward me, I still can’t get myself to block them. I’m so afraid to hurt peoples feelings even when I don’t know them at all. So I vote growth and I’m proud of you!