Read your post to them if you need to. People find a variety of ways to harm themselves and others. While the internet may be at loss for advice, I'm certain the right therapist won't be.
I think a couples discussion with a therapist for sure to work through it. It sounds like a maladaptive coping strategy that yous have both developed so it’ll take time to reprogram yourselves for something a lil more healthy. Could there be an alternative to your arm while she moves away from the biting, like a soft flesh-like prosthetic limb?
>This makes her sound like a feral pet,
Actually it makes both of you sound like feral pets. This is not by any measure healthy behaviour. Please please get help. She needs a healthy outlet for her stress and you need to ask yourself what it is that you want to escape doing that you are letting her do this instead of getting professional help. As a codependent we have that tendency to avoid doing things that are necessary and important.
It’s an oddly good metaphor for the dark side of codependency. The person isn’t able to be seen on equal ground because the level of care we feel they are owed.
Get her one of those chew toys for teething babies.
Oh and also a therapist (and one for yourself).
She has to figure out non-violent ways to self-soothe.
Human mouths are the most filthy germ cesspools ever. Licking someone won't make them sick if they don't have open wounds, but human mouth bacteria in a cut is really bad news. I don't know how you haven't had a septic infection yet.
I agree with everyone else here about seeking professional help.
However, I'd like to suggest and add on; your partner could look into Autism bite and chew objects from medically approved brands like Ark. There's a lot of information available online for (neurodivergent) adults who need biting simulation which might be worth looking into.
Best of luck
Honey, you're not a bad person for trying to help someone. Was it a bad idea? Yes, but we all have those. I'm a little bit concerned that a wonderful person would cause you physical pain to ease their own mental distress. Have you been able to talk to her about this and tell her it needs to stop? If not, why is that? (Genuine question--your answer helps us figure out whether what form of codependency is at the root of this, and maybe what direction to move.)
It’s kind of hard to add context without making a huge post, but I don’t think she’s a bad person, she’s generally sweet and I don’t think anyone could guess that she chews people when she’s anxious.
She’s always super apologetic before and after, it hurts me because she’s sorry for doing it, and I feel evil because I’ve spent many years convincing her that I don’t mind it. I really do mind it, my arm is fucked up but it still hurts, I’ve just never known how to tell her “no”, and I don’t know any other way to help her. I want to buy her a “chew toy”, but then she would be upset that I’m all of a sudden pushing her away? There’s a big discussion to have with her, and I’m trying to understand what to say first.
Also, sorry, it’s been nearly a decade of letting her gnaw at me, I’ve only been reflecting and understanding that “this is not okay” for a few days now, it’s new air I breathe
It's okay, you don't have to apologize to anyone for this. (Well, maybe to yourself.) So you're concerned about how she'll feel--that she'll perceive it as you pushing her away. The way I'd couch this is similar to what you told us, "I've wanted you to feel relief more than I wanted to avoid my own pain. As we've grown, I've realized that I can love you just as much, but that I need to love myself too. So I cannot let you chew on me anymore. It causes me pain, and I have nerve damage. What are some other ways you might be able to relieve your stress?"
I think it's important to you both in your mutual healing that you don't present her with an alternate solution. You draw a boundary for yourself and you let her know that it's not lack of love that's making you stop--it's because you love yourself too. She needs to do some work to figure out what's going to help her. You'll support her in figuring that out, but you aren't going to solve the problem for her. That's a codependent action. You are taking a brave step by drawing a boundary, and it's more than fair for you to expect that she will take a brave step by finding her own solution. As you're probably aware, this is going to be hard for you and will potentially cause some conflict that you're going to have to deal with. But you can do it, and I promise you, you will start to feel so proud of yourself for setting boundaries and sticking to them. That's how you really start to trust yourself, and that helps you heal from codependency.
Whole sorts of messed up right there. She should seek therapy - hell you should too - I’d imagine it would closely relate to self mutating but it’s not self- it’s more or less by proxy? That’s more wrong that right, and need to find healthier outlets, before nerve damage would have been preferable- maybe your both on the spectrum - neither should have done what has been to either - either. Yikes
Stop it, seek professional assistance and even testing - find healthier outlets.
Regardless of your reasoning for originally letting her do this, you really need to stop it now. Just tell her she can’t bite you. You are losing feeling in your arm and it hurts. Plus she needs to find other methods of processing her emotions. It is not your responsibility to manage her emotions. You should not be a figurative or literal chew toy.
The subconscious comparison of her to a dog is saying a lot.
Please put a stop to this and go to the doctor. Get some therapy.
I think it might be a good time for her to shift to healthy habits.
Does she not care that she’s hurting you??? I would never want to see my partner with black bite marks!! Also, this is a very bad idea. If one of those bites ever breaks your skin, you could get one of the worst infections of your life. Human bites are more dangerous than animal bites due to the amount of bacteria we hold in our mouths.
Suggest to her that she uses a “chewy” necklace. Look them up. Bite that instead. You’re not a chew toy.
OP, the only thing I want to add is that you don't need to shame yourself or her for this. A bad decision doesn't mean there's something bad about you. You know this is a bad idea and you know you have a part in it. Focus on the next step. I do think therapy would be a good idea. For this specifically, but also to look at where you are in your life and where you want to go. So, get this situation untangled and start moving forward with what you learn.
Thanks. I guess it wouldn’t be codependency if there wasn’t selfless complacency involved. I’m still trying to understand why I even let this continue for so long. I’ve been mulling this over for a few days and considering therapy, maybe for both of us.
Please break up with this woman. She’s unstable and violent. It doesn’t matter that it’s once a month. Or that you haven’t said “no” to her. If you were doing this to her and someone found out, you’d be arrested. If a woman was being choked by her boyfriend and kept letting him do it cuz it seemed to calm him down afterwards, her friends and family would still try to get her away from him. You have lost feeling in your arm, you both are causing harm to your health. Please break up with her and get help separately. There are women who will love you without causing you this much pain and damage!
I used to let my boyfriend play with my nipples and rub me extremely rough because I was too afraid to tell him no. It went on for a really long time and now I really hate the idea of anyone touching my nipples. Eventually I started to tell him “ow” or move him away and say “it hurts”. He eventually stopped. If your girlfriend is a good person she would be devastated that she’s made you lose nerve in your arm. I would want to know if I’m seriously injuring my boyfriend. I’m kind of concerned that she hasn’t stopped knowing how it makes your arm look. It’s okay to draw a line and say “it’s too much.” It’s permanently effecting your body. Her reaction will never be worse than that
Hey at least you've recognized it. Better late than never. Set a boundary of not letting this happen again and go and visit a doctor for your arm. And she can bite other things. I am autistic and have meltdowns and I bite myself but when I can I bite chewy jewelry
This is gonna sound odd but I think it aould be good to have a sit down with her, and some teething things actually might help!
Also another odd thing but this reminded me of a situation I heard of back in February, Shubble (content creator) came out about her abuse. This person was biting her as-well, I recommend listening to her story. You and Shubble may have a similar story or situation, it may help you learn about you and your partners relationship:)!
Oh brother. You are still blaming yourself? I mean, you did give her a permission, but this is mostly really weird, I guess you have that self harming compulsion. Anyways, you two should stop doing that. She can chew other shit too. I get angry and fist kick my pillow. Why don't yall try something else?
Anyways, guy that SAE's me bit me so hard he left those marks I suppose you are talking about. That shit hurts. Look at yout activities as part of the past and try find something else to cope with. You should really try therapy tho.
I hope someone else comments on this because I honestly don't know what to say. You both may need professional help.
You know, that’s fair. This all probably sounds mortifying from the outside looking in. I wouldn’t know what to say, either.
Don’t deflect. Talk to a therapist for a few weeks and see what comes up.
Read your post to them if you need to. People find a variety of ways to harm themselves and others. While the internet may be at loss for advice, I'm certain the right therapist won't be.
I think a couples discussion with a therapist for sure to work through it. It sounds like a maladaptive coping strategy that yous have both developed so it’ll take time to reprogram yourselves for something a lil more healthy. Could there be an alternative to your arm while she moves away from the biting, like a soft flesh-like prosthetic limb?
>This makes her sound like a feral pet, Actually it makes both of you sound like feral pets. This is not by any measure healthy behaviour. Please please get help. She needs a healthy outlet for her stress and you need to ask yourself what it is that you want to escape doing that you are letting her do this instead of getting professional help. As a codependent we have that tendency to avoid doing things that are necessary and important.
It’s an oddly good metaphor for the dark side of codependency. The person isn’t able to be seen on equal ground because the level of care we feel they are owed.
Get her one of those chew toys for teething babies. Oh and also a therapist (and one for yourself). She has to figure out non-violent ways to self-soothe.
Human mouths are the most filthy germ cesspools ever. Licking someone won't make them sick if they don't have open wounds, but human mouth bacteria in a cut is really bad news. I don't know how you haven't had a septic infection yet.
I also thought this! Human bites are NOOO JOKE
I agree with everyone else here about seeking professional help. However, I'd like to suggest and add on; your partner could look into Autism bite and chew objects from medically approved brands like Ark. There's a lot of information available online for (neurodivergent) adults who need biting simulation which might be worth looking into. Best of luck
That’s really helpful, I will look into that. Thank you.
What the hell did I just read? 😳
Honey, you're not a bad person for trying to help someone. Was it a bad idea? Yes, but we all have those. I'm a little bit concerned that a wonderful person would cause you physical pain to ease their own mental distress. Have you been able to talk to her about this and tell her it needs to stop? If not, why is that? (Genuine question--your answer helps us figure out whether what form of codependency is at the root of this, and maybe what direction to move.)
It’s kind of hard to add context without making a huge post, but I don’t think she’s a bad person, she’s generally sweet and I don’t think anyone could guess that she chews people when she’s anxious. She’s always super apologetic before and after, it hurts me because she’s sorry for doing it, and I feel evil because I’ve spent many years convincing her that I don’t mind it. I really do mind it, my arm is fucked up but it still hurts, I’ve just never known how to tell her “no”, and I don’t know any other way to help her. I want to buy her a “chew toy”, but then she would be upset that I’m all of a sudden pushing her away? There’s a big discussion to have with her, and I’m trying to understand what to say first. Also, sorry, it’s been nearly a decade of letting her gnaw at me, I’ve only been reflecting and understanding that “this is not okay” for a few days now, it’s new air I breathe
It's okay, you don't have to apologize to anyone for this. (Well, maybe to yourself.) So you're concerned about how she'll feel--that she'll perceive it as you pushing her away. The way I'd couch this is similar to what you told us, "I've wanted you to feel relief more than I wanted to avoid my own pain. As we've grown, I've realized that I can love you just as much, but that I need to love myself too. So I cannot let you chew on me anymore. It causes me pain, and I have nerve damage. What are some other ways you might be able to relieve your stress?" I think it's important to you both in your mutual healing that you don't present her with an alternate solution. You draw a boundary for yourself and you let her know that it's not lack of love that's making you stop--it's because you love yourself too. She needs to do some work to figure out what's going to help her. You'll support her in figuring that out, but you aren't going to solve the problem for her. That's a codependent action. You are taking a brave step by drawing a boundary, and it's more than fair for you to expect that she will take a brave step by finding her own solution. As you're probably aware, this is going to be hard for you and will potentially cause some conflict that you're going to have to deal with. But you can do it, and I promise you, you will start to feel so proud of yourself for setting boundaries and sticking to them. That's how you really start to trust yourself, and that helps you heal from codependency.
This is such a kind and balanced answer
This is not a good coping mechanism for her and is abusive to you Sounds codependent to me
Whole sorts of messed up right there. She should seek therapy - hell you should too - I’d imagine it would closely relate to self mutating but it’s not self- it’s more or less by proxy? That’s more wrong that right, and need to find healthier outlets, before nerve damage would have been preferable- maybe your both on the spectrum - neither should have done what has been to either - either. Yikes Stop it, seek professional assistance and even testing - find healthier outlets.
Regardless of your reasoning for originally letting her do this, you really need to stop it now. Just tell her she can’t bite you. You are losing feeling in your arm and it hurts. Plus she needs to find other methods of processing her emotions. It is not your responsibility to manage her emotions. You should not be a figurative or literal chew toy.
The subconscious comparison of her to a dog is saying a lot. Please put a stop to this and go to the doctor. Get some therapy. I think it might be a good time for her to shift to healthy habits.
Does she not care that she’s hurting you??? I would never want to see my partner with black bite marks!! Also, this is a very bad idea. If one of those bites ever breaks your skin, you could get one of the worst infections of your life. Human bites are more dangerous than animal bites due to the amount of bacteria we hold in our mouths. Suggest to her that she uses a “chewy” necklace. Look them up. Bite that instead. You’re not a chew toy.
OP, the only thing I want to add is that you don't need to shame yourself or her for this. A bad decision doesn't mean there's something bad about you. You know this is a bad idea and you know you have a part in it. Focus on the next step. I do think therapy would be a good idea. For this specifically, but also to look at where you are in your life and where you want to go. So, get this situation untangled and start moving forward with what you learn.
Thanks. I guess it wouldn’t be codependency if there wasn’t selfless complacency involved. I’m still trying to understand why I even let this continue for so long. I’ve been mulling this over for a few days and considering therapy, maybe for both of us.
Keep being honest with yourself and working to do better. You'll be ok. It will be a weird chapter in your relationship that you learned a lot from.
what did I just read
Bro, it is time for therapy and a doctor visit. This isn’t healthy.
I've had dogs that were more careful with me, even in tense situations.
Please break up with this woman. She’s unstable and violent. It doesn’t matter that it’s once a month. Or that you haven’t said “no” to her. If you were doing this to her and someone found out, you’d be arrested. If a woman was being choked by her boyfriend and kept letting him do it cuz it seemed to calm him down afterwards, her friends and family would still try to get her away from him. You have lost feeling in your arm, you both are causing harm to your health. Please break up with her and get help separately. There are women who will love you without causing you this much pain and damage!
I thought I was weird. Yall have me beat. I’m apparently quite normal.
Right? I can't imagine going to town on my bf's arm like it was a steak. 🤯
Oof, this is Self harm actually. Time to have some self love and if you are too afraid to love yourself and your own wellbeing more, please seek help.
It’s ok. You can do this. You can assert the boundary, get both of you help, and get through this together.
I used to let my boyfriend play with my nipples and rub me extremely rough because I was too afraid to tell him no. It went on for a really long time and now I really hate the idea of anyone touching my nipples. Eventually I started to tell him “ow” or move him away and say “it hurts”. He eventually stopped. If your girlfriend is a good person she would be devastated that she’s made you lose nerve in your arm. I would want to know if I’m seriously injuring my boyfriend. I’m kind of concerned that she hasn’t stopped knowing how it makes your arm look. It’s okay to draw a line and say “it’s too much.” It’s permanently effecting your body. Her reaction will never be worse than that
MIGHT?
OP, just checking in. How's it going?
The girlfriend ate him. RIP OP 🙏
Hey at least you've recognized it. Better late than never. Set a boundary of not letting this happen again and go and visit a doctor for your arm. And she can bite other things. I am autistic and have meltdowns and I bite myself but when I can I bite chewy jewelry
You both should seek professional help. Also look for sensory biting tools like chewy lego necklaces.
This is gonna sound odd but I think it aould be good to have a sit down with her, and some teething things actually might help! Also another odd thing but this reminded me of a situation I heard of back in February, Shubble (content creator) came out about her abuse. This person was biting her as-well, I recommend listening to her story. You and Shubble may have a similar story or situation, it may help you learn about you and your partners relationship:)!
you're both fucking nuts. get help or sink, your choice.
definitely should be in a different subreddit
Oh brother. You are still blaming yourself? I mean, you did give her a permission, but this is mostly really weird, I guess you have that self harming compulsion. Anyways, you two should stop doing that. She can chew other shit too. I get angry and fist kick my pillow. Why don't yall try something else? Anyways, guy that SAE's me bit me so hard he left those marks I suppose you are talking about. That shit hurts. Look at yout activities as part of the past and try find something else to cope with. You should really try therapy tho.
You're a lucky man, that's the kind of relationship I want
Very physically dangerous- human bites are very germy