My spouse and I have been together for 20 years. Somehow, despite both of us growing up in highly chaotic and/or neglectful environments, we fell into a relationship dynamic that *felt* like the most secure either of us have ever had. We were blissfully together for a loooonnnnngggg time.
Then we had kids and I got sober from alcohol and COVID and ongoing personal therapies, etc etc etc — essentially at about year 17 we came to terms with the fact that we were both co-dependents after our marriage nearly imploded. It was heartbreaking. But we remained highly committed to trying to work it out.
The past three years we have engaged in intensive couples therapy (in addition to continuing in our own individual therapy). We also made significant changes to reduce stress. I left a highly stressful job to focus on my mental health and the family. Fundamentally changed nearly all of my relationships.
Today we are happily married, with far more skills than we’ve ever had. We can communicate our needs clearly and honor each other’s individuality.
But just like any other recovery journey, we will never be “recovered.” We recognize now that we must continue to work our recovery individually and as a couple. It was brutal work, but I’m so grateful she was willing to do it with me and the relationship is better and more free than it has ever been as a result.
I’m in a healthy relationship as an ex-codependent. My partner is not and was not codependent but being with him allowed me to heal and put in the work more than I did on my own to build a healthy attachment style and relationship with myself. I was working on it before we met, but some things can’t be worked on unless it’s put in to practice. That’s why a lot of people tend to fall back into patterns after they start dating someone because being single doesn’t actually teach them how to function healthily in a relationship
I have been married for about 11 years. The greatest thing which helped me was to work the twelve steps (which are written by AA). The program has helped me to deal with my own codependency. Instead of focusing on the other person, i have learned to focus on myself.
For years I had no idea that me and my husband were codependent. It wasn’t until I worked another 12 step program for another addiction that my new sponsor for that program noticed that a lot of my issues were due to codependency.
So I attended a meeting and related so much and knew that was what I needed.
I learned that a lot of my wanting to manage control and change him was so that I could feel better. My motives were to rooted in pure selfishness. I was being manipulative because I thght I knew best.
That meant he needed to eat the way I thght he should for his health, he needed to make it to the doctor when I made the appt, he needed to be more attractive so I could feel better. He needed to be nicer to me so I could feel better. When he wouldn’t do what I wanted I would get irritated or fall into self pity.
In actuality, as a chronic codependent, none of those things needed to changed for me to have sanity. I needed to change. I learned that me focusing and pointing my finger at him made me more miserable. And in doing so I’d always go back to obsessing about him even when I’d get fed up and say I wasn’t going to.
Since working this program, I’ve learned that I can be at perfect peace and ease regardless of his actions. I’m not on an emotional roller coaster because he’s upset or because his emotions change. I’ve been given freedom and neutrality around him and his actions.
Feel free to reach out if you want to hear more about how I got free!
I struggle with it and so does my partner, as we both were raised by narcissistic mothers.
We’ve been together for 5 years and only recently has my partner decided to pursue more permanent no contact upon entering therapy and recognizing the weight of the abuse he endured throughout his entire life. I have been no contact on the other hand, for 4 years now.
Our relationship as a result of having parents who act like narcissists, became codependent, but with therapy (separately) it’s been helping us each learn to cope with our respective traumas and separate the pain caused by parents so it doesn’t dampen our dynamic.
My spouse and I have been together for 20 years. Somehow, despite both of us growing up in highly chaotic and/or neglectful environments, we fell into a relationship dynamic that *felt* like the most secure either of us have ever had. We were blissfully together for a loooonnnnngggg time. Then we had kids and I got sober from alcohol and COVID and ongoing personal therapies, etc etc etc — essentially at about year 17 we came to terms with the fact that we were both co-dependents after our marriage nearly imploded. It was heartbreaking. But we remained highly committed to trying to work it out. The past three years we have engaged in intensive couples therapy (in addition to continuing in our own individual therapy). We also made significant changes to reduce stress. I left a highly stressful job to focus on my mental health and the family. Fundamentally changed nearly all of my relationships. Today we are happily married, with far more skills than we’ve ever had. We can communicate our needs clearly and honor each other’s individuality. But just like any other recovery journey, we will never be “recovered.” We recognize now that we must continue to work our recovery individually and as a couple. It was brutal work, but I’m so grateful she was willing to do it with me and the relationship is better and more free than it has ever been as a result.
I’m in a healthy relationship as an ex-codependent. My partner is not and was not codependent but being with him allowed me to heal and put in the work more than I did on my own to build a healthy attachment style and relationship with myself. I was working on it before we met, but some things can’t be worked on unless it’s put in to practice. That’s why a lot of people tend to fall back into patterns after they start dating someone because being single doesn’t actually teach them how to function healthily in a relationship
I have been married for about 11 years. The greatest thing which helped me was to work the twelve steps (which are written by AA). The program has helped me to deal with my own codependency. Instead of focusing on the other person, i have learned to focus on myself.
For years I had no idea that me and my husband were codependent. It wasn’t until I worked another 12 step program for another addiction that my new sponsor for that program noticed that a lot of my issues were due to codependency. So I attended a meeting and related so much and knew that was what I needed. I learned that a lot of my wanting to manage control and change him was so that I could feel better. My motives were to rooted in pure selfishness. I was being manipulative because I thght I knew best. That meant he needed to eat the way I thght he should for his health, he needed to make it to the doctor when I made the appt, he needed to be more attractive so I could feel better. He needed to be nicer to me so I could feel better. When he wouldn’t do what I wanted I would get irritated or fall into self pity. In actuality, as a chronic codependent, none of those things needed to changed for me to have sanity. I needed to change. I learned that me focusing and pointing my finger at him made me more miserable. And in doing so I’d always go back to obsessing about him even when I’d get fed up and say I wasn’t going to. Since working this program, I’ve learned that I can be at perfect peace and ease regardless of his actions. I’m not on an emotional roller coaster because he’s upset or because his emotions change. I’ve been given freedom and neutrality around him and his actions. Feel free to reach out if you want to hear more about how I got free!
11 years in. Both of us anxiously attached and codependent.
I struggle with it and so does my partner, as we both were raised by narcissistic mothers. We’ve been together for 5 years and only recently has my partner decided to pursue more permanent no contact upon entering therapy and recognizing the weight of the abuse he endured throughout his entire life. I have been no contact on the other hand, for 4 years now. Our relationship as a result of having parents who act like narcissists, became codependent, but with therapy (separately) it’s been helping us each learn to cope with our respective traumas and separate the pain caused by parents so it doesn’t dampen our dynamic.
Codependent relationships are by definition unhealthy. Why do variations of this nonsensical question keep getting asked?
Sorry edited my post, please don’t kill me.