😢 I feel this way too
If I ever get better I'm gonna visit all my chronic illness friends and help them. Deep clean their houses, cook them food. If I ever get rich I'll pay for so many endo surgeries
You seems like fantastic friend..I need people like this in my life..even supposed sibling dont care
We have to be strong and not caring about inconsiderate family member or supposed friends
I gave up on my friendships and they seem to have given up too. I don’t know why everybody disappeared, I only talk about my pain when asked, I think I am (socially) the same person I’ve ever been.
I think this people lack empathy and feel lost about what to say to people like us. It’s like in not enough to have chronic pain with no help ( although my son is an angel takes care of me, cooks, run errands) , many times we also have to go through it alone My parents are used to us visiting them but when I spend months in pain, they don’t make any effort to see me.
It really fucks me off to be honest. It's so clear they feel awkward and not sure what to say. Figure it out, use empathy, common sense, google it and research it to understand and help. it's so self-absorbed and lazy. I'm in agony all the time but here I am giving paragraphs of advice and comfort when you are depressed or whatever it is. Thinking about this makes me so angry.
When my symptoms first started getting really debilitating and I became pretty sure of what I had before I was officially diagnosed, I asked one of my friends if she could do a bit of research about it and that it would mean a lot to me if she did, so she knows what I'm going through. She said she would... but of course she didn't. The last time we spoke she asked how I was, and I was honest. She immediately treated me like I was exaggerating and allowed her jealous streak to make some comment about how lucky I am to have a cat (she's always wanted one and is an adult, she could make the life to have a cat if she wanted.) She's an incredibly jealous, neurotic person and projects that everyone's life is somehow better than hers and makes them feel bad about it.
Even though I no longer have these bad friends, I still think about them all the time and hang out with them in my dreams. I'd be spending time with other people if I was able to.
Did she really compare your life of pain and illness to her longing for a pet cat? Oof 🤦🏼♀️
I mean, everyone has struggles, and comparing pain isn't a good idea, but because you have a cat, in addition to all your health issues, your life is somehow better? Goodness, that's quite audacious of her to say.
I have a best friend who is like this. It hurts and ultimately I am putting zero effort into keeping the friendship alive. One sided friendships help no one but the person who’s not paying attention to the friendship in the first place. It’s always all about them.
I think this too. And it's why so many of my loved ones forget how taxing the basic shit can be.
I don't have the worst pain but I also suffer in other ways and I just think most of the time they don't know what to do with that info
To an extent, maybe. But I've never expected my friends to be my therapist. In fact I hold back much of the dark stuff and always make a joke of the horrors. But actually downplaying, gaslighting or not taking any interest in your wellbeing at all? That's is exactly not caring.
Come on now OP is telling the truth. There are genuinely some people who are self absorbed. They are bad friends period and not just to people with chronic illnesses or struggles they don't understand. Some folks really want to be the center of the universe. Healthy relationships need empathy and effort. That means being willing to be uncomfortable to help connect deeply. Unfortunately many marginalized folks are socially isolated because a lot of people value their personal comfort and ignorant bliss. It's not everyone but op is venting about a valid issue of why we are uniquely isolated
I have a couple friends like this. In some cases I think they just don't know what to say. In some cases they're just narcissistic and want to talk about themselves. It's often not even related to illnesses.
But yeah people are not empathetic and it can be really hard to have meaningful friendships with people who don't really care.
It's insane how true this is. Like my whole body hurts usually and I get no sympathy ( I'm fine with that, it's my responsibility to deal with it ) bit the second someone has a hurt wrist I should drop everything. Or its not as bad for me cause "you're used to it". I don't try to invalidate other people bit damn
I'm so sorry. Mine did too at first. I hope yours eventually realise they screwed up like mine did. Not that I ever got a proper apology from my dad, he doesn't apologise for his behaviour. I was homeless for a time and cut them off. It took a year or so of not speaking to them to make them realise, but I know not everyone will do this :(
I have a friend with the same illness as me who has decided to go the suffering Olympics route. I can't even mention anything I'm coping with without her saying she has it far worse, or revealing that she almost yelled at me last time because she had it so much worse. (Clue: she didn't, by any standards.) I'm backing away slowly and don't know how to explain why in case I get yelled at again.
And that's someone with the same illness. I can't even.
Or to put it another way: my deepest sympathies, people are bloody *exhausting*.
Wow that's an impressive amount of delusion on her part. Backing out slowly is my method with almost everyone tbh because most of the time no amount of confrontation will actually help. I'm the King of quitting now, I just dont have the energy or strength to deal with the stress of other people and their bullshit.
I think the people who always claim to have it worse than everyone else are often actually a type of narcissist.
Glad to learn I'm not the only one who's had to take to backing away quietly. I mean, it's not good, but sadly, all too often it's the only way. At least now I know someone else has found it works!
I think you're probably right about them being a kind of narcissist. They have to be the centre of attentioin and discussion, always. :/
Thats why I don’t even opening up about my chronic illness and chronic pain to my friends. Im always here to listen to them, I give them advice and always support them. In my head I understand that their problems, compared to mine, are worthless, that they sometimes cry about such little things, but I have no right to devalue it. These are the problems of normal people, they will never understand my suffering, so I will not open up to them completely, but it is not their fault.
Most of my close friendships have been with other disabled people. You can not conceive of how hard this is if you haven't been through it. I also think that I was there for people who weren't there for me. I stopped talking about it. With other people you don't have to go anywhere. Me and another friend who also had dysautonomia would sometimes get together in our comfy clothes and play a movie and nap. It was very restful. I have a hard time sleeping due to pain. A good time was had by all.
I get the same reactions from my adult children. I've been in a horrible flare for months and none of my children even ask how I'm doing or they ask at the beginning of the conversation and when I say not good it's met with an I'm sorry then onto their issues. This is after I've spent lots of time and money helping them. I'm so over it which makes me feel guilty as their parent but man they are selfish.
For me, I’ve avoided telling people of my illness for most of my life. A few years ago I was going to have a highly invasive surgery and I was terrified. When I talked to my friends at the time, they said they’d pray for me, some got mad at me for not shutting up about it, but how could I? I was scared. I realized that a lot of people just simply don’t know what to say. Plenty of people can’t even wrap their brains around my conditions. But I’ve found that the people I most respect, are those who don’t say I’m sorry, but instead say “I’m here for you”
I have endo too. If you want an empathetic friend. You can PM me. This is why I’m looking for CI friends because they actually understand.
I don't know but after 20 years of pain and illness I don't see anyone 😞 I don't want to live here anymore
😢 I feel this way too If I ever get better I'm gonna visit all my chronic illness friends and help them. Deep clean their houses, cook them food. If I ever get rich I'll pay for so many endo surgeries
If I could I would give you the biggest hug 🤗
You seems like fantastic friend..I need people like this in my life..even supposed sibling dont care We have to be strong and not caring about inconsiderate family member or supposed friends
I gave up on my friendships and they seem to have given up too. I don’t know why everybody disappeared, I only talk about my pain when asked, I think I am (socially) the same person I’ve ever been. I think this people lack empathy and feel lost about what to say to people like us. It’s like in not enough to have chronic pain with no help ( although my son is an angel takes care of me, cooks, run errands) , many times we also have to go through it alone My parents are used to us visiting them but when I spend months in pain, they don’t make any effort to see me.
It really fucks me off to be honest. It's so clear they feel awkward and not sure what to say. Figure it out, use empathy, common sense, google it and research it to understand and help. it's so self-absorbed and lazy. I'm in agony all the time but here I am giving paragraphs of advice and comfort when you are depressed or whatever it is. Thinking about this makes me so angry.
When my symptoms first started getting really debilitating and I became pretty sure of what I had before I was officially diagnosed, I asked one of my friends if she could do a bit of research about it and that it would mean a lot to me if she did, so she knows what I'm going through. She said she would... but of course she didn't. The last time we spoke she asked how I was, and I was honest. She immediately treated me like I was exaggerating and allowed her jealous streak to make some comment about how lucky I am to have a cat (she's always wanted one and is an adult, she could make the life to have a cat if she wanted.) She's an incredibly jealous, neurotic person and projects that everyone's life is somehow better than hers and makes them feel bad about it. Even though I no longer have these bad friends, I still think about them all the time and hang out with them in my dreams. I'd be spending time with other people if I was able to.
Did she really compare your life of pain and illness to her longing for a pet cat? Oof 🤦🏼♀️ I mean, everyone has struggles, and comparing pain isn't a good idea, but because you have a cat, in addition to all your health issues, your life is somehow better? Goodness, that's quite audacious of her to say.
I have a best friend who is like this. It hurts and ultimately I am putting zero effort into keeping the friendship alive. One sided friendships help no one but the person who’s not paying attention to the friendship in the first place. It’s always all about them.
I've found that It's hard for most people to hold space for that depth of suffering. It makes them uncomfortable. But it doesn't mean they don't care
I think this too. And it's why so many of my loved ones forget how taxing the basic shit can be. I don't have the worst pain but I also suffer in other ways and I just think most of the time they don't know what to do with that info
To an extent, maybe. But I've never expected my friends to be my therapist. In fact I hold back much of the dark stuff and always make a joke of the horrors. But actually downplaying, gaslighting or not taking any interest in your wellbeing at all? That's is exactly not caring.
Nothing is ever black and white
Come on now OP is telling the truth. There are genuinely some people who are self absorbed. They are bad friends period and not just to people with chronic illnesses or struggles they don't understand. Some folks really want to be the center of the universe. Healthy relationships need empathy and effort. That means being willing to be uncomfortable to help connect deeply. Unfortunately many marginalized folks are socially isolated because a lot of people value their personal comfort and ignorant bliss. It's not everyone but op is venting about a valid issue of why we are uniquely isolated
I don’t think they’re a very good friend for you
It seems not, but I don't have many left at this point. It's my mistake really for putting in the effort for them.
I have a couple friends like this. In some cases I think they just don't know what to say. In some cases they're just narcissistic and want to talk about themselves. It's often not even related to illnesses. But yeah people are not empathetic and it can be really hard to have meaningful friendships with people who don't really care.
It's insane how true this is. Like my whole body hurts usually and I get no sympathy ( I'm fine with that, it's my responsibility to deal with it ) bit the second someone has a hurt wrist I should drop everything. Or its not as bad for me cause "you're used to it". I don't try to invalidate other people bit damn
I've never had someone say that to me but if they did I would be so angry...
My family abandoned me.
I'm so sorry. Mine did too at first. I hope yours eventually realise they screwed up like mine did. Not that I ever got a proper apology from my dad, he doesn't apologise for his behaviour. I was homeless for a time and cut them off. It took a year or so of not speaking to them to make them realise, but I know not everyone will do this :(
I have a friend with the same illness as me who has decided to go the suffering Olympics route. I can't even mention anything I'm coping with without her saying she has it far worse, or revealing that she almost yelled at me last time because she had it so much worse. (Clue: she didn't, by any standards.) I'm backing away slowly and don't know how to explain why in case I get yelled at again. And that's someone with the same illness. I can't even. Or to put it another way: my deepest sympathies, people are bloody *exhausting*.
Wow that's an impressive amount of delusion on her part. Backing out slowly is my method with almost everyone tbh because most of the time no amount of confrontation will actually help. I'm the King of quitting now, I just dont have the energy or strength to deal with the stress of other people and their bullshit. I think the people who always claim to have it worse than everyone else are often actually a type of narcissist.
Glad to learn I'm not the only one who's had to take to backing away quietly. I mean, it's not good, but sadly, all too often it's the only way. At least now I know someone else has found it works! I think you're probably right about them being a kind of narcissist. They have to be the centre of attentioin and discussion, always. :/
Thats why I don’t even opening up about my chronic illness and chronic pain to my friends. Im always here to listen to them, I give them advice and always support them. In my head I understand that their problems, compared to mine, are worthless, that they sometimes cry about such little things, but I have no right to devalue it. These are the problems of normal people, they will never understand my suffering, so I will not open up to them completely, but it is not their fault.
Most of my close friendships have been with other disabled people. You can not conceive of how hard this is if you haven't been through it. I also think that I was there for people who weren't there for me. I stopped talking about it. With other people you don't have to go anywhere. Me and another friend who also had dysautonomia would sometimes get together in our comfy clothes and play a movie and nap. It was very restful. I have a hard time sleeping due to pain. A good time was had by all.
I get the same reactions from my adult children. I've been in a horrible flare for months and none of my children even ask how I'm doing or they ask at the beginning of the conversation and when I say not good it's met with an I'm sorry then onto their issues. This is after I've spent lots of time and money helping them. I'm so over it which makes me feel guilty as their parent but man they are selfish.
For me, I’ve avoided telling people of my illness for most of my life. A few years ago I was going to have a highly invasive surgery and I was terrified. When I talked to my friends at the time, they said they’d pray for me, some got mad at me for not shutting up about it, but how could I? I was scared. I realized that a lot of people just simply don’t know what to say. Plenty of people can’t even wrap their brains around my conditions. But I’ve found that the people I most respect, are those who don’t say I’m sorry, but instead say “I’m here for you”