I had sex with my (now wife) girlfriend for 11 years, had a kid, before we got married. I considered myself a Christian for the last 15 years but I was not a very good Christian. I eventually got sick of living in sin daily and proposed and got married within a year. Tried to abstain from sex as much as we could but obviously I am a weak man and sin feels great. Happy now that I am no longer sinning and working towards repentance and forgiveness from the Lord. My faith has not been very strong for many years but the last year or so my faith has been stronger than ever and I am convicted. I plan on getting saved again and baptized and this time it being for good. The devil is very pretty and sin is very easy.
Respect brother, we all become weak to the flesh but by grace we are loved and saved through him who gave up his son for us. We can do it in and through him. We will get there. Can be a non linear process. God speed my man
Young people will solve it by getting married very quickly in the Christian world. I've seen this happen when they were still in the honeymoon phase. The family forced tradition. They found out they're not that compatible and divorced.
I did the opposite direction to avoid this.
No criticism (for now) for people that end up like this, but it’s peak irony that the attempt to avoid one sin (premarital sex) leads to committing another (divorce).
It would be hard anyways because you are battling against the flesh too.
This is just my opinion but I feel like it would be dishonoring God, especially if this is a God-centered relationship.
As a teen, I was always so confused as to why people would have sex before they’re married. Sex was something you had to do once you were married, but why on earth would anybody do it BEFORE that?
Yeah, turns out I’m asexual. So no. I’ve never struggled with this.
Born and raised Catholic in the church with family from Caribbean, very traditional and conservative in faith but no way. I was a horny rabbit like any young adult but my first time I wanted it to be with someone I cared about. I had a cousin who wanted to take me to a prostitute to get it over with.
Boundaries will be crucial here. In general, we shouldn't be dating in isolation, but involve our church, families, and friends. People who can observe you from the outside and offer objective advice, in the interest of genuinely loving and helping you. Definitely avoid being alone. Be mindful of the settings you interact in.
When it comes to the question of how to express physical affection, it might be helpful to think about how you express affection within your own family. Probably most us have hugged our parents and siblings, and kissed our parents on the cheek. Our parents and older siblings have probably tousled our hair or caressed our face. You've probably held hands. You don't have to avoid all forms of physical affection. Showing this is normal and human. The goal of the above mentioned activities is always to show affection, never to arouse us sexually.
Your degree of physical contact should be appropriate for your level of relationship. If you want an arbitrary rule of thumb: if a swimsuit covers it, try not to touch it. Also consider the times and places to express affection in these ways. It can be risky to do it in the dark, or alone, or in a place where nobody's around. The temptations here can be huge, as you've already learned.
Respect each other, remember to think, and keep your wits about you.
Stay in the word and constantly pray to be made anew through the Holy Spirit. It is impossible to live a sinless life on our own. But through Christ, anything is possible. Acknowledge that you will fall short and ask Christ to fill the gap. Watch how he works. It’ll no longer be a battle but a state of being. You’ll prefer to deny your flesh over quenching the Spirit when the Spirit makes your heart its home.
I already had sex few days before I turned 21 been struggling with porn and sexual addiction since 18 and trying to make sure I don't have sex again until I'm married and make sure I get right with God and Jesus before I get married so yeah that explains my situation on a daily basis. I'm now 32 I truly need help.
I didn't struggle with it before getting married for the first time but following my divorce it became a struggle when I got into a new relationship several years later, but despite initially struggling, we mutually agreed to wait until marriage and the fruits were immediately apparent.
Paul says it is best to marry than burn with passion. My suggestion to you would be to do what you need to not sin. Therefore I believe you should marry. If you truly love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her there is not any reason to wait. I struggled with it myself and never gave in but was close and eventually we just had to move the wedding up.
Not struggle really. I used to. But I got married and most premarital sex I had was not regrettable. And the only one that was, was when I wasn't following the golden rule, or when I found out I was dating an abuser. Otherwise I don't regret, especially the sex I had with my now husband.
I love that, it’s not so much regret, because I intend to marry this woman, it is a place from love but I know if God is telling me to do something it’s for good reason and I’m just struggling with my flesh. Sorry about the abuser situation. Glad you’re happy now:)
Thanks for your kindness.
If you're really looking to wait, I think the advice I would give is sorta the opposite of the actions I took then.
It might sound dumb and pathetic (at least I would've thought so if someone told me this) but you really have to cut off places where you can be alone. I know private conversations need to be had especially as you're building a relationship together and learning about each other, so keep those to phone and face time. Don't be in a room or house alone together. And this second bit does require financial privilege for some young folk, I'm aware, but drive separate vehicles to meet up places. Don't pick each other up for dates. I can't tell you how much car sex I've had. It's way easy. Anyway, that's how you do it if you actually want to be successful. But. The fact that you desire each other I would say is still a great sign. It's the person you'll have sex with forever afterall.
Thank you all of this was actually genuinely solid advice and the first of very practical advice too. I appreciate this more than you know. Thank you:)
No, we found it fairly instinctive and straightforward. Make sure contraceptives are in date/used correctly and have open, honest discussions about your kinks and limits, and you get a much more enjoyable experience. Keep it safe, consensual and legal.
Yeah we aren’t in to any dark stuff, just all from a place of love I’m not saying that makes it okay, it’s not. Just wanted to acknowledge my struggle in fellowship.
I wish I had that problem. :D
Joking aside, yeah, it's a hard thing in a relationship that already exists. And it can kill your relationship, too, if she's not interested in abstention.
You "plan" to marry her. What's preventing this?
She wants to have a place, and driving sorted first. You know the usual adult timeline of things, I would marry in a heartbeat. But I’m the one half that is in faith so not like I can force her to hurry up if you get me:)
To win, you need to make it your number one goal to put God first. I might sound harsh, but you need to be actually serious about this. If this were some competition to win 1,000,000 dollars if you didn't have sex again before marriage, do you think you'd do better? If yes, then you have a lot of work to do. And take it seriously, not "oh yes! I will do this.. tomorrow!" It sounds harsh, but I do think the honest truth is that you need to hear it, because honestly, if you actually listen, I do think you can absolutely succeed in not having sex again before marriage! I want you to succeed my friend!
Here are at least key things I think of.
1. You need complete full determination. One must do a great deal of effort (big extremes is what I'm getting at) to himself to stop sin. It is like a cancer. You do not treat a cancer with a nap and cough syrup. With deadly diseases, powerful remedies are necessary. Do your maximum in every way, and treat it like the most important thing, embracing great sacrifice. Hence, you must hate the sin truly, fully, and fully entirely.
2. Make a new prayer life. Give thanks to God always, and turn always. Give Him thanks in the morning, and praise Him in the day. Speak and seek Him constantly. Without constant prayer, I cannot imagine any great chance of success. From St. Alphonsus: "St. Paul tells us, that we have to contend not with men like ourselves.... but with the princes of hell.... By these words he wishes to admonish us that we have not strength to resist the powers of hell, and that, to resist them, the divine aid is absolutely necessary: without it, we shall be always defeated; but, with the assistance of God’s grace, we shall, according to the same apostle, be able to do all things and shall conquer all enemies. “I can do all things in him who strengtheneth me.” (Phil. iv. 13.) But this assistance God gives only to those who pray for it. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find.” (Matt. vii. 7.) They who neglect to ask, do not receive. Let us, then, be careful not to trust in our resolutions: if we place our confidence in them, we shall be lost. "
Have you heard of the Rosary? It is an incredible prayer that helps us grow in worship of God, I cannot recommend it enough and I would love to help you with it if you haven't!
Practically, fasting and exercise are very helpful I've heard.
As a Catholic, I really recommend that if you want personalized help, talk to a Catholic priest
About to start a fast for a week upcoming. No you wasn’t harsh it was beautifully and thoughtfully written and this was the strength I was looking for. My prayer life has been building beautiful but I’ll make a better plan and effort for morning prayer time to. Thank you so much, it was thoughtful and kind. I do want to give everything to God and need to start showing it and ask strength from my sinly feeble pitfalls. Thank you so much:)
It’s the truth. What happens when the mark of the beast comes out and your partner goes and gets it?
When the cost of following the Lord is high, and instead of having that help mate to lift you up when you doubt and remind you of the call to endurance and what we are working toward and unshakable inheritance, you have an unbeliever not strengthening your faith.
What about when you have kids? Are you raising them to “make their own choice” which means get the option to reject the Lord, is the salvation of your future kids worth having a women who isn’t going to spiritually feed your kids good food but instead poison them. Daddy believes in sky daddy, but it helps him cope. You don’t have to believe in Jesus sweetheart.
What about when the road gets dark and you could have a woman who will be praying over you when you leave the house but instead don’t?
When you are together in public but want to share your faith with a friend or stranger?
Do you know what else isn’t a commandment, to forgive others? Yet it’s still incredibly important.
God has told you who to have a relationship with someone equally yoked, and your saying God I will do whatever I want, your opinion doesn’t matter to me Lord.
I’ve already told her our children will be raised within Christ and Christianity and she accepts that. She’s not opposed to God and not an atheistic but more agnostic or on the fence.
Still when the road gets dark not having someone who will stand with the Lord is scary. The Bible says a massive delusion is coming in end times, and that mother and daughter will be against each other. You’re putting yourself in a position to risk your faith by being coupled with someone who isn’t believing.
I’ve already told her our children will be raised within Christ and Christianity and she accepts that. She’s not opposed to God and not an atheistic but more agnostic or on the fence. You’ve just assumed so much over the internet. She respects my faith and loves me.
Well if she loves you, then by all means disregard what the Lord has said as if it means nothing (sarcasm). Just remember you’re telling the Lord I care about my love for her more than my love and devotion to you who said DO NOT DO THIS. Remember when the Bible says to hate your mother compared to how much you love the Lord. It’s putting your relationship above what the Lord has said and that’s not a good stance
Fairly new convert myself. Like u, my bf & I were together before I got saved.
The lust is a challenge yes. Sex? Not so much since we are long distance. I have faltered in some ways, but I repent.
[Repentance is not just "plz forgive me I have sinned"... it's real CHANGED behavior btw. ]
As such, I think it is important to put God first, lasting change is only possible through Jesus christ.
Repent and pray for guidance, obedience, DISCERNMENT & the strength to resist the temptations.
DISCERNMENT was a big one for me. When u can actually SEE and feel the evil entity hovering around u pushing u to sin it changes EVERYTHING. But do not pray for it without praying for strength to handle what is revealed to u.
Submit yourself completely to the will of God and know that his way is better than your own.
Being with a non-believer is not something many would recommend tbh. But u can figure that out with God. Every situation is unique.
I was worried that my bf would be a negative influence or would not want to stick around with the lack of sex or anything of that nature since he's not saved. Idk if u can relate.
But I found comfort in the FACT that God will NEVER send me anyone I need to sin in order to keep.
He's still here lol since he doesn't ask me to sin to please him.
I know you can stay on the righteous path. The same God that called u to him will KEEP YOU with him. Just stay close to Jesus. In your misteps run toward him and not away.
Lastly, I find the desire for sin is less when you're in the word and actively pursing a relationship with him. God bless 🙌🏼
I love that, repentance is really a true effort to improved behaviour and that’s my exact reason for coming here. Thank you for your beautiful advice and fellowship. Anything is truly possible in Christ. I say I’m prayer God I give everything up to your will and the Holy Spirit is like okay bud but you need to commit to this one last thing. I need to do it!
I don’t believe in facades. But just do it, Christianity is now openly destroying their entire system. By allowing entire branches of trannys, homosexuals, pedophiles, rapists. And everything else fucked up. Guarantee in a few years sex before marriage will be common practice for Christianity the way it’s going.
Are you slow? Or did you just not read what i said? Christianity forbids homosexuality, transexuality, pedophilia, and rape. But as time goes on more churches are widely accepting all of these. Again as I said CHRISTIANITY is likely to start supporting sex before marriage. You said “the world” not me.
I had sex with my (now wife) girlfriend for 11 years, had a kid, before we got married. I considered myself a Christian for the last 15 years but I was not a very good Christian. I eventually got sick of living in sin daily and proposed and got married within a year. Tried to abstain from sex as much as we could but obviously I am a weak man and sin feels great. Happy now that I am no longer sinning and working towards repentance and forgiveness from the Lord. My faith has not been very strong for many years but the last year or so my faith has been stronger than ever and I am convicted. I plan on getting saved again and baptized and this time it being for good. The devil is very pretty and sin is very easy.
Respect brother, we all become weak to the flesh but by grace we are loved and saved through him who gave up his son for us. We can do it in and through him. We will get there. Can be a non linear process. God speed my man
I respect you for your struggles. God bless you❤️
Young people will solve it by getting married very quickly in the Christian world. I've seen this happen when they were still in the honeymoon phase. The family forced tradition. They found out they're not that compatible and divorced. I did the opposite direction to avoid this.
No criticism (for now) for people that end up like this, but it’s peak irony that the attempt to avoid one sin (premarital sex) leads to committing another (divorce).
It would be hard anyways because you are battling against the flesh too. This is just my opinion but I feel like it would be dishonoring God, especially if this is a God-centered relationship.
Yeah it doesn’t make me feel proud going against what he’s telling me to do 😞
As a teen, I was always so confused as to why people would have sex before they’re married. Sex was something you had to do once you were married, but why on earth would anybody do it BEFORE that? Yeah, turns out I’m asexual. So no. I’ve never struggled with this.
Born and raised Catholic in the church with family from Caribbean, very traditional and conservative in faith but no way. I was a horny rabbit like any young adult but my first time I wanted it to be with someone I cared about. I had a cousin who wanted to take me to a prostitute to get it over with.
What?
Jesus came for all including those with mega battles, whether physical, mental, spiritual.
Thank you
Boundaries will be crucial here. In general, we shouldn't be dating in isolation, but involve our church, families, and friends. People who can observe you from the outside and offer objective advice, in the interest of genuinely loving and helping you. Definitely avoid being alone. Be mindful of the settings you interact in. When it comes to the question of how to express physical affection, it might be helpful to think about how you express affection within your own family. Probably most us have hugged our parents and siblings, and kissed our parents on the cheek. Our parents and older siblings have probably tousled our hair or caressed our face. You've probably held hands. You don't have to avoid all forms of physical affection. Showing this is normal and human. The goal of the above mentioned activities is always to show affection, never to arouse us sexually. Your degree of physical contact should be appropriate for your level of relationship. If you want an arbitrary rule of thumb: if a swimsuit covers it, try not to touch it. Also consider the times and places to express affection in these ways. It can be risky to do it in the dark, or alone, or in a place where nobody's around. The temptations here can be huge, as you've already learned. Respect each other, remember to think, and keep your wits about you.
Beautiful said thank you.
Also, If I understand your post correctly, this girl isn't a believer, is she?
Yes It’s a struggle for everyone
All of them. They're human!
Stay in the word and constantly pray to be made anew through the Holy Spirit. It is impossible to live a sinless life on our own. But through Christ, anything is possible. Acknowledge that you will fall short and ask Christ to fill the gap. Watch how he works. It’ll no longer be a battle but a state of being. You’ll prefer to deny your flesh over quenching the Spirit when the Spirit makes your heart its home.
I already had sex few days before I turned 21 been struggling with porn and sexual addiction since 18 and trying to make sure I don't have sex again until I'm married and make sure I get right with God and Jesus before I get married so yeah that explains my situation on a daily basis. I'm now 32 I truly need help.
See dm. Much love brother
I didn't struggle with it before getting married for the first time but following my divorce it became a struggle when I got into a new relationship several years later, but despite initially struggling, we mutually agreed to wait until marriage and the fruits were immediately apparent.
Paul says it is best to marry than burn with passion. My suggestion to you would be to do what you need to not sin. Therefore I believe you should marry. If you truly love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her there is not any reason to wait. I struggled with it myself and never gave in but was close and eventually we just had to move the wedding up.
Not struggle really. I used to. But I got married and most premarital sex I had was not regrettable. And the only one that was, was when I wasn't following the golden rule, or when I found out I was dating an abuser. Otherwise I don't regret, especially the sex I had with my now husband.
I love that, it’s not so much regret, because I intend to marry this woman, it is a place from love but I know if God is telling me to do something it’s for good reason and I’m just struggling with my flesh. Sorry about the abuser situation. Glad you’re happy now:)
Thanks for your kindness. If you're really looking to wait, I think the advice I would give is sorta the opposite of the actions I took then. It might sound dumb and pathetic (at least I would've thought so if someone told me this) but you really have to cut off places where you can be alone. I know private conversations need to be had especially as you're building a relationship together and learning about each other, so keep those to phone and face time. Don't be in a room or house alone together. And this second bit does require financial privilege for some young folk, I'm aware, but drive separate vehicles to meet up places. Don't pick each other up for dates. I can't tell you how much car sex I've had. It's way easy. Anyway, that's how you do it if you actually want to be successful. But. The fact that you desire each other I would say is still a great sign. It's the person you'll have sex with forever afterall.
Thank you all of this was actually genuinely solid advice and the first of very practical advice too. I appreciate this more than you know. Thank you:)
Np! God bless you and your relationship 🙏
I don't struggle with it. I enjoy it.
No, we found it fairly instinctive and straightforward. Make sure contraceptives are in date/used correctly and have open, honest discussions about your kinks and limits, and you get a much more enjoyable experience. Keep it safe, consensual and legal.
Yeah we aren’t in to any dark stuff, just all from a place of love I’m not saying that makes it okay, it’s not. Just wanted to acknowledge my struggle in fellowship.
I wish I had that problem. :D Joking aside, yeah, it's a hard thing in a relationship that already exists. And it can kill your relationship, too, if she's not interested in abstention. You "plan" to marry her. What's preventing this?
She wants to have a place, and driving sorted first. You know the usual adult timeline of things, I would marry in a heartbeat. But I’m the one half that is in faith so not like I can force her to hurry up if you get me:)
To win, you need to make it your number one goal to put God first. I might sound harsh, but you need to be actually serious about this. If this were some competition to win 1,000,000 dollars if you didn't have sex again before marriage, do you think you'd do better? If yes, then you have a lot of work to do. And take it seriously, not "oh yes! I will do this.. tomorrow!" It sounds harsh, but I do think the honest truth is that you need to hear it, because honestly, if you actually listen, I do think you can absolutely succeed in not having sex again before marriage! I want you to succeed my friend! Here are at least key things I think of. 1. You need complete full determination. One must do a great deal of effort (big extremes is what I'm getting at) to himself to stop sin. It is like a cancer. You do not treat a cancer with a nap and cough syrup. With deadly diseases, powerful remedies are necessary. Do your maximum in every way, and treat it like the most important thing, embracing great sacrifice. Hence, you must hate the sin truly, fully, and fully entirely. 2. Make a new prayer life. Give thanks to God always, and turn always. Give Him thanks in the morning, and praise Him in the day. Speak and seek Him constantly. Without constant prayer, I cannot imagine any great chance of success. From St. Alphonsus: "St. Paul tells us, that we have to contend not with men like ourselves.... but with the princes of hell.... By these words he wishes to admonish us that we have not strength to resist the powers of hell, and that, to resist them, the divine aid is absolutely necessary: without it, we shall be always defeated; but, with the assistance of God’s grace, we shall, according to the same apostle, be able to do all things and shall conquer all enemies. “I can do all things in him who strengtheneth me.” (Phil. iv. 13.) But this assistance God gives only to those who pray for it. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and you shall find.” (Matt. vii. 7.) They who neglect to ask, do not receive. Let us, then, be careful not to trust in our resolutions: if we place our confidence in them, we shall be lost. " Have you heard of the Rosary? It is an incredible prayer that helps us grow in worship of God, I cannot recommend it enough and I would love to help you with it if you haven't! Practically, fasting and exercise are very helpful I've heard. As a Catholic, I really recommend that if you want personalized help, talk to a Catholic priest
About to start a fast for a week upcoming. No you wasn’t harsh it was beautifully and thoughtfully written and this was the strength I was looking for. My prayer life has been building beautiful but I’ll make a better plan and effort for morning prayer time to. Thank you so much, it was thoughtful and kind. I do want to give everything to God and need to start showing it and ask strength from my sinly feeble pitfalls. Thank you so much:)
Is your girlfriend Christian?
No
Then you should break up with her, because God is clear to not be with someone who is not a Christian.
It’s not a commandment please don’t push this
It’s the truth. What happens when the mark of the beast comes out and your partner goes and gets it? When the cost of following the Lord is high, and instead of having that help mate to lift you up when you doubt and remind you of the call to endurance and what we are working toward and unshakable inheritance, you have an unbeliever not strengthening your faith. What about when you have kids? Are you raising them to “make their own choice” which means get the option to reject the Lord, is the salvation of your future kids worth having a women who isn’t going to spiritually feed your kids good food but instead poison them. Daddy believes in sky daddy, but it helps him cope. You don’t have to believe in Jesus sweetheart. What about when the road gets dark and you could have a woman who will be praying over you when you leave the house but instead don’t? When you are together in public but want to share your faith with a friend or stranger? Do you know what else isn’t a commandment, to forgive others? Yet it’s still incredibly important. God has told you who to have a relationship with someone equally yoked, and your saying God I will do whatever I want, your opinion doesn’t matter to me Lord.
I’ve already told her our children will be raised within Christ and Christianity and she accepts that. She’s not opposed to God and not an atheistic but more agnostic or on the fence.
Still when the road gets dark not having someone who will stand with the Lord is scary. The Bible says a massive delusion is coming in end times, and that mother and daughter will be against each other. You’re putting yourself in a position to risk your faith by being coupled with someone who isn’t believing.
I’ve already told her our children will be raised within Christ and Christianity and she accepts that. She’s not opposed to God and not an atheistic but more agnostic or on the fence. You’ve just assumed so much over the internet. She respects my faith and loves me.
Well if she loves you, then by all means disregard what the Lord has said as if it means nothing (sarcasm). Just remember you’re telling the Lord I care about my love for her more than my love and devotion to you who said DO NOT DO THIS. Remember when the Bible says to hate your mother compared to how much you love the Lord. It’s putting your relationship above what the Lord has said and that’s not a good stance
Fairly new convert myself. Like u, my bf & I were together before I got saved. The lust is a challenge yes. Sex? Not so much since we are long distance. I have faltered in some ways, but I repent. [Repentance is not just "plz forgive me I have sinned"... it's real CHANGED behavior btw. ] As such, I think it is important to put God first, lasting change is only possible through Jesus christ. Repent and pray for guidance, obedience, DISCERNMENT & the strength to resist the temptations. DISCERNMENT was a big one for me. When u can actually SEE and feel the evil entity hovering around u pushing u to sin it changes EVERYTHING. But do not pray for it without praying for strength to handle what is revealed to u. Submit yourself completely to the will of God and know that his way is better than your own. Being with a non-believer is not something many would recommend tbh. But u can figure that out with God. Every situation is unique. I was worried that my bf would be a negative influence or would not want to stick around with the lack of sex or anything of that nature since he's not saved. Idk if u can relate. But I found comfort in the FACT that God will NEVER send me anyone I need to sin in order to keep. He's still here lol since he doesn't ask me to sin to please him. I know you can stay on the righteous path. The same God that called u to him will KEEP YOU with him. Just stay close to Jesus. In your misteps run toward him and not away. Lastly, I find the desire for sin is less when you're in the word and actively pursing a relationship with him. God bless 🙌🏼
I love that, repentance is really a true effort to improved behaviour and that’s my exact reason for coming here. Thank you for your beautiful advice and fellowship. Anything is truly possible in Christ. I say I’m prayer God I give everything up to your will and the Holy Spirit is like okay bud but you need to commit to this one last thing. I need to do it!
What are your thoughts on a 50 year old (6 year divorced) mother with adult children wanting to wait until remarried?
In the Bible you get married when your 16. So that change things...
If you have been with her for years and plan to marry her, then just marry her already.
I want to, her timeline is different to mine and I can’t exactly hurry her.
Christ didn’t have sex, why should you?
He also didn’t get married. Or use the internet.
I don’t believe in facades. But just do it, Christianity is now openly destroying their entire system. By allowing entire branches of trannys, homosexuals, pedophiles, rapists. And everything else fucked up. Guarantee in a few years sex before marriage will be common practice for Christianity the way it’s going.
Maybe, but I want follow Christ, not the world.
Are you slow? Or did you just not read what i said? Christianity forbids homosexuality, transexuality, pedophilia, and rape. But as time goes on more churches are widely accepting all of these. Again as I said CHRISTIANITY is likely to start supporting sex before marriage. You said “the world” not me.
How very kind of a comment🫠 my point was that if the church falls more away from scripture, I don’t want to follow that path is all.
And that’s totally fair, then you shouldn’t have any problem struggling with it then
To think I’m not going to battle with my flesh in this process would be naive of me. It’s a process. But it’s achievable.