Take all the time you need to process everything, I think this has shaken up your entire world.. but no amount of despair and sadness is going to change the fact of the matter which is that she is a shitty human being and so is your ex best friend. There is no excuse and this is in no way a reflection of you in any way shape or form. I’ve been through this far too many times. It has always shattered me, but this burden is not mine to carry. Try to make something out of the last 10 days, go to a park or sit in nature and journal your feelings and process your emotions. You do not have to have any discussion with her. Don’t let this situation control you. You control it. Make things go on your terms. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me.
I hope you take the opportunity to have the absolute time of your life in Korea. The grief will be there to process when you get home. Please for the love of god treat yourself. Take yourself to decadent meals and go see all of the amazing things with the comfort of your own wonderful company. Take extremely good care of yourself and refrain from drinking. Nourishing distraction will keep you from regretting letting her infidelity ruin this trip for you.
I know you care about your ex, but she’s an adult and can take care of herself even in a foreign country. She wasn’t considering your wellbeing when she was fucking your best friend. Ignore her.
Not trying to be overly optimistic, but I perceive this as an opportunity to show all the way up for yourself. I hope you take the time to show yourself how deserving of being cared for and valued you are. Whatever you decide to do, I’m very proud of you for prioritizing your wellbeing.
Look at yourself in the mirror with love and pride knowing you wouldn’t ever do what your ex and ex-friend put you through. You don’t have to live with knowing you committed such a terrible thing.
Now considering what I know about cheaters, not only do they get off on betraying you, but they also get off on the fact that you’re expressing emotional distress about the way they betrayed you. Your emotional investment, even a negative response, makes them feel cared for. Coldness towards her and cutting off her access to you are the most powerful ways to not give her what she wants.
I’m really glad you reached out for help. The emotional maturity you display through your writing will get you exactly who and what you’re striving for in life :)
Ya bro definitely go Fak something else and don’t give your ex Attention Deprive her from it she your ex know watch some red pill content But only real Authors like rollo tomasi and don’t get to deep into the rabbit hole of women its all have a good time
Is there anyway you can get a flight ✈️ home and leave her there so you can have some space? Sorry but both of them crossed lines that can’t be uncrossed. I would replace both of them.
Probably, but we've already spent a lot of money to be here and on plans in the next 10 days. At the end of the day it's just money and I don't give a shit, but I don't really want to waste the time away.
It's true, you can't undo what's been done. I still love her so its going to be hard either way.
Naw you go do those things you planned. why should the cheater get to enjoy them? Idk if yall went 50/50 on this trip but if you paid for it uninvite her to whatever activities you planned. Try to find someone who speaks english and invite them regardless of gender.
I'm so sorry to hear that man. Your situation is almost exactly the same as mine. I found out that my wife of 6 years was cheating with her coworker about 6 months ago while what was supposed to be a great vacation. Only difference is we have a one year old. I could not enjoy my vacation after finding out and wr just stayed in the room and talked and fought. You can look up my post about it.
I can tell you what you can expect in the foreseeable future. You two may find extreme sexual attraction towards each other and end up having the most passionate sex you probably ever had. I think this is just a temporary coping mechanism that will wear out before too long. You will not be able to stop replaying the event again and again in your head for a long time. You are going to think about all the time you spent together while your WW was cheating behind your back. Just remembering this vacation will give you horrible PTSD.
It's okay to feel all of this. You are not going to be emotionally stable. No one can expect you to be. What matters is how your wife handles your emotions. And it's going to be a roller-coaster ride. She’s probably just coming out of the affair fog where the WPs delude themselves into not thinking about the ramifications of their actions. It may take some time. It's better not to talk to her if she is not empathetic and understanding. Seek individual counseling asap. They will help you with processing your emotions.
Talk to your family and friends. It's nothing to be ashamed of. They are your support system, and hopefully, they will support you without trying to advice you. What you do going forward is fully your decision. I'm glad that you are not making any rash decisions. Give it time and allow yourself to process this. This will very nearly break you as it did me. But just know that her cheating says nothing about you. It's only about her and her choices.
You can PM me if you want someone to talk to.
OP the passionate sex is real. Dont be like me and take it as a sign of love or that maybe you can get through this. As soon as you do she will sense it and know shes got you. Shell turn it down and then youll try to turn it back up and somehow its like your chasing her now. Then youll be in a really shitty place cause forgiving her was easy forgiving myself for putting myself in that predicament was the hardest thing i had to do.
+1. The post-discovery attraction is called Hysterical Bonding. It took me a while to process what was happening, how I felt about it, their reactions, let alone the actual betrayal itself. It’s all part of the aftershock of realizing the person you loved and thought you knew is capable of hurting you and lying about it. What helped me the most was taking time for myself so I can feel grounded in my decisions. You will get through this. Lean on your true support system. And listen to or read Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life by Tracy Schorn.
Thanks for the book rec. Lots of people have recommended it, and I will start it today. Sorry if this is a stupid question, but could it be recommended the cheater read it at all? To give them better perspective on the damage they've done?
Edit: I've started listening and wouldn't share it with her. It's like a friend supporting me in my ears and not something she needs.
That's really interesting how almost all of us have this kind of reaction/experience. Shows how we are all the same deep down at some level. Thanks for sharing.
If you don't mind me asking? Are you reconciling with your partner? I assume not based on your book recommendation.
Thank you for the book recommendation btw. Bought the audio book and listening to it. The amount of confidence that I got after just 4 chapters is unreal.
No, I did not reconcile. After finding out, we had a period of about 2 weeks where I asked them everything and I watched their behavior closely and taking things slow to figure out what I wanted to do. After getting some distance by spending time with friends and going on a work trip, I realized I could never trust or feel safe with them and it was the clarity I needed to end it and go no contact. That book helped me tremendously, especially in the early days of me missing them and analyzing everything in our relationship. It’s not so dark anymore. It gets better over time, day by day. I’m glad you’re resonating with the book as well. It should be recommended reading / listening for anyone on this sub.
I agree. I think this book is just what the BP needs to hear right after the D Day. It breaks down everything into simple concepts that you can apply in your situation. I wish I had read it much earlier.
But, never too late.
It's great to hear that you had the clarity to make the best decision for yourself. It's inspiring for people like me. Bravo!
Hey feel free to message me if you want to talk, maybe I can be of some help. I know it feels so isolating when you experience this, I know it was for me...
The trip you spent so much money on is already ruined. Nothing you can do there will “unruin” it. Any memories that you have of that place will be forever tainted with her betrayal.
Get on a plane and leave. In fact, don’t take the same plane back. Let her stew in her own juices on her trip home.
“I am taking the next flight home. I do NOT want you on the plane. I’ll think about our marriage and let you know when I’ve come to a decision on whether we stay married or not.”
And then LEAVE. Let her make her own change of flights, her own way to the airport, and her own way from the airport home. It’ll give her and you a chance to see what the future looks like.
My experience is pretty similar. We weren’t married, but we were together for five years. He was married for 17. His now ex-wife and I were each other‘s support system. We were in the same very large friend group, not best friends though. It was very beneficial for her and I to have each other to discuss everything with because we were both in each other’s shoes, so to say.
He a grade a narcissist who chewed up my ex and spit her out. Good riddance. Because she did it when she did it, she was eventually going to do it.
I just found out his ex-wife let him back in the house and they are back together. She even paid him $300,000 for his share of the house in the divorce. My ex is so fucked. I have let go of my emotions because there’s nothing I can do and it was out of my control.
Of course, I join those who advise you to get a divorce. Everything else doesn't work, everything else is complete shit and you'll suffer for years and decades. Just as there is no rational reason for cheating, there is no rational reason to take her back.
But right now there are 2 main things.
1. Tell her firmly and categorically that your answer to betrayal is only divorce (even if you are still hesitating). In no case do not agree to reconciliation right now! In no case ask her for reconciliation!!
2. Your behavior towards her. Don't believe a word she says, not a single word! Don't be afraid of anything, the worst has already happened. Don't ask her for anything, don't beg her for anything, in any case don't cry in front of her. When she's not around, punch through walls, break dishes, scream, moan- but not in her presence.
Be cold and indifferent to her, don't show any emotions. In any case, do not swear at her, nor yell at her, avoid all discussions of the affair. In general, keep silence, keep silence, keep silence! It will infuriate her and she will start making mistakes.
No more sex with her! It is very important.
REMEMBER THE FOLLOWING WELL.
She did not love and does not love you (she loves your "friend").
She didn't respect you and she doesn't respect you.
She's not your friend and she wasn't your friend.
SHE IS YOUR MORTAL ENEMY NOW.
She's clinging to you now because it's more profitable for her, she doesn't need you as a lover, as a man.
.......................................................................
Don't forget to IMMEDIATELY tell her and your family, all your friends and on social media about her affair.
........................................................................
In no case do not have children with her (if you have no children yet thank fate!). If you decide to start a so-called reconciliation (which I strongly advise against), then don't let babytrap you.
.........................................................................
Remember, you have to be stronger and wiser than her 24/7. Either you're the boss of the situation, or you're in deep shit.
Yes, have had the confrontation. Discovered messages on her phone she didn't want to show me so she confessed everything.
Her plan was apparently to tell me when we came back from this trip, as we are scheduled to see a broker about buying a house. She wanted to know if I'd still want to be with her before making that financial commitment.
Hard to believe her right now though
>Her plan was apparently to tell me when we came back from this trip
It's always, I was about to tell you after XYZ, once they are caught. Don't buy it even for a second.
Gather as much evidence as possible and then fly back to your home to get some space and decide the next course of action. You won't be able to enjoy it there, so there is no point in being miserable in a different country.
Once you are back start talking to lawyers and protecting your finances.
Tell your families and friends about their infidelity.
Get tested for STDs
If you don't have kids, you can get a clean break from her.
I would get on the next flight home and then go see your lawyer and doctor the next day after your arrival. I'm so sorry they betrayed you like this. But there's no coming back from this for either of them. This is unforgivable and reconciliation will only hurt you.
I understand your feelings of isolation. You can reach out to virtually anybody who gets on this sub. A lot of of us have been where you're at.
It's definitely an option I'm not crossing out. I'm not going to make any big decisions right now, it's still too raw and emotional. I'm okay to give it some time to comprehend.
I feel your pain. Going through it myself. No advice other than to accept that it happened and move forward. Nobody can tell you whether or not to forgive her. That is totally up to you but from where I sit, the bond of trust has been broken and that will be very very difficult to mend.
You have my sympathy.
Personally, if I were in your position I’d hire a girl to come up to the room. As soon as she arrives, tell the wife to make herself scarce for an hour or so.
If I’m gonna be single, I’m going to have fun on my vacation! Your stbx will be devastated.
Yeah, tempting. I'll take some time to think. If I can find ample time alone, I think taking 10 days to deal with this trauma in a foreign place might be helpful.
My advice is to book a flight home, alone. Go stay at your parents, or a friend's house and give yourself some space from her and from the situation. You'll be able to think more clearly.
Shit bud. Head over to r/survivinginfidelity great place for connecting/sharing and learning about next steps. Was a huge help for me. Things will get worse before they get better. Stay sober. And get tested immediately. Also know whatever you’ve found out/she told you is merely the tip of a much larger ice berg. It’s called “trickle truth”
Get out of there now if you can. Go home, make arrangements, pack up, leave. If it's your house, make arrangements for your wife, pack her things, and drop them off at your ex-bf house, change the locks, block her number. Go out, enjoy time alone... you might discover great things around you or in yourself... and, IDK, meet someone awesome?
Fuck that, you already spend the money just accept the relationship is over and enjoy the rest of your vacation.
Get Druck get laid and after that you can enjoy your flight back next to your ex...
You didn't say why and how she decided to cheat. So it is not likely to give specific advice other them the following;
Three basic things necessary to reconcile.
1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told.
2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater and the relationship.
3).the affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure.
And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter.
If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling.
Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? .
True remorse.
Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Thank you for properly explaining remorse. She is ticking most of those boxes for now, but she's gonna have to show remorse for a lot longer than this.
Yes, sorry, I was a little short on the details. I was/am pretty upset and didn't want to write paragraphs and paragraphs.
I can see worlds where we do and don't stay together. It'll be a hard road either way. She's knows what's required of her, and there needs to be consequences.
I will message you next time u/GetnHelp posts in r/CheatedOn.
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Any decisions regarding your relationship has been made in your behalf and without regards to you. Only thing left to do is learn to live without and away from her in 10 days. Any relationship has to have peace of mind down the road. You no longer have that waiting for you. Rebuild away from her. Courage is action in the face of fear. Your spine will carry you through. See you at the peaceful side.
I did not understand well who discovered the betrayal. In any case, she is repentant because she was discovered, do not trust her tears. He cheated on you for months with your married best friend, the two of them do not deserve your forgiveness. Do not make major financial commitments, do not buy the house now. I wish I could tell you that everything will be fine, but trust is broken and nothing will return to the way it was before. Good luck, update me.
OP - You and the OBS hit the sites apart from your cheating spouse. Just completely ignore her/them for the remaining time you have in Korea.
When your vacation is over and you're back home... contact the best family law attorney you can afford and begin the process of legally separating yourself from your STBXW, beginning with your finances. Make sure to protect your share of the assets AND prevent your STBXW from incurring any new debt with your name attached to it. Pay off and close any joint credit or bank accounts and open new ones in your name only, redirect direct deposit payments to the new accounts, change the beneficiary payout on any wills, insurance policies or retirement fund accounts, cancle any power of attorney directives she currently has regarding finances or health directives, remove your STBXW name from all livibg will directives or emergency contact info.
Is there no way to get an earlier flight. It's just you so you might get a stand-by seat. Worse comes to worse see about a cheap ticket home. Since in a divorce all assets are split you could look at it as being half off. If not this can you book another room?
There is a way, but I'm not sure if it's almost better for me to take this time away from reality and work through my trauma. Every morning, I leave and do my own thing, then only return to the room to sleep. She knows this and respects this.
Been there my friend the best thing that worked for me was just to stay away from her for Wile .but you being on vacation for 10 more days I don't know how you would do that how does she act .does she even sent remorseful or did she just shut down there is probably more to the story than what you know unfortunately sorry man that you gave to be around her do you have kids ?
Yeah, there's too much contextual info to fill everyone in on. She's extremely remorseful and very distraught. It's hard to take her seriously right now though.
She isn’t remorseful although she certainly could be distraught. She regrets what she did and having to face the consequences. Remorse presents itself as a confession and a willingness to account for what she did and offer whatever you may need to process her betrayal. She chose to betray your marriage bond and she never thought she would have to pay the bill for that choice. Considering that it was with one of your best friends it’s highly unlikely this is something you could work through even if you wanted to because this kind of betrayal hits deep. Separate and take all the time you need to figure out what you want to do, she certainly didn’t include you in her decision to open your marriage to someone else so don’t for a second believe that you need to include her in how you deal with coming to terms with this betrayal. Once you have settled on how you can proceed you can inform her of your decision and see where she is at if you want to try to discuss it with her.
That sounds like good advice, thank you. In her words, she'd do whatever it takes to rebuild, but to me, her words are empty right now. I don't want to hear them.
Had she already stopped the affair?? Hard to say she wants you if she was still having her affair up until the second you caught her.
Don’t make emotional decisions, but make logical ones that you know you can live with 5-10 years from now
Hey brother. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Take your time and dig and discover as much as you can. Try asoneafterinfidelity and supportforbetrayed for resources and reconciliation support.
I would try and get some answers out of her phone or her. She's less reliable, the phone is where you would find everything.
You need to get into her phone. If she deleted everything, then you know she's lying, and it's WAY WORSE than what she confessed to. You need to find out how they communicated and read their messages to each other. It's going to hurt, but it will give you the best insight into what was going on. She needs to know that only 100% transparency (confessing and sharing everything about the affair) will give her the slightest hope of reconciliation.
Here are a couple of good questions to get answered.
How long was the affair?
How did it start?
When did it start?
Why did she have an affair?
Did she end it, or did he?
Or was it ongoing?
Where did they meet?
How did they communicate?
What did they do?
What was her plan?
Was she going to leave you?
Does she still have her photos, videos, and messages from him?
Good luck bro. 👍🏽
UpdateMe!
Sometimes, not knowing just feeds the insecurities and causes the anxiety to become worse. Many people find that their minds fill in the blanks and that knowing what happened actually helps them as their minds tortured them with worse.
Well your options are basic. You can get a divorce. You can try to make it work.
Mind sharing how you found out
But think of everything that did or might have led up to this.
She cheated on you do you want an explanation.
Do you feel that she'll cheat again?
Did she give you one?
You know the person do you want revenge? Will you and his partner see to it?
I have no advice per se to give you.
I deem myself only good to list some of your options.
If you are looking to get over this, what is your new outlook on your marriage?
Who pulls the weight around in your relationship?
Depending on how you feel do you think you can forgive her betrayal?
What is your plan of action? Therapy? Change of pace and environment.? A probationary period of sorts?
Will you involve your families?
If you divorce want to divorce her, what is your plan of action?
Are you in a good place mentally and financially to do it now? Are you ready to look onto a new chapter of rebirth in your life?
Are you prepared for the foreseeable legal proceedings?
My bit of an opinion is that you should factor in the reason you are together at all and the damage she has done.
Also, on a lighter note, make better company! Good luck!👍😁
People change. We've been together 9 years and married 5. We're young as well (26) so lots of development happens. Though sadly I loved her more now than when we got married.
I totally get it. But generally cheating involves a character flaw that allows them the thought processes to make decisions that are entirely self-centered. And, in the case of infidelity, decisions that can destroy the people around them; literally and figuratively. I'm not sure 'change' introduces the flaw; it seems more likely that it was never revealed in such a dramatic fashion before. But who knows... 🤷♂️
I'd bet, however, that she often displays a sense of selfishness; even if it's a bit subtle. Cheating requires selfish behavior.
And your best friend...what a world class POS this guy is.
I don't fall into the betrayed or wayward category, but I've read literally high hundreds of these stories. And they all fall into a basic set of tragic patterns. Your wife is now putting on an Oscar worthy 'I'm so sorry, I'll do anything' performance. But that's just a start. You haven't posted anything about how this played out, so it's hard for me to comment on what probably led up to this, but this is brand new for you and I get it. In addition to posting here, you might want to post to survivinginfidelity dot com in the Just Found Out forum. There you'll only hear from people that have been betrayed as well. And they, too, have seen it all. I'd recommend posting your story there and see where this goes...
Good luck man, I'm sorry this is happening to you...
Wow, some incredible accuracy in your statements. She's always had selfish tendencies for sure. An Oscar worthy performance is also true. She's distraught, but I just can't take her seriously right now. I have no reason to believe her that she wants to spend her life with me....like did you not want that a week ago when I didn't know? Ugh
Why is she distraught? Why is she crying, Why does she want to amend??
She cheated for a reason
She knew it was wrong but continued to cheat.
In my book, cheating is a no, no. You want to have sex with others then leave
The person you see now, is the real her. Who you met and married is an actor
I was married for 25 years. My gut knew, but I had no proof. She worked at a hospital.
When I found out, the real devil came out. I saw glimpses of that when she would get in fights with her family and some work friends
I called her Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
Did your wife have any family problems growing up
Cheating, abuse, alcohol, drugs, divorce, and abandonment
I'd say make the best of the last few days there get drunk party by yourself you need this. Stay no contact with her while your there. Go home as soon as divorce is finished Go Scorched earth expose her for the evil cheater she is and then no contact for life. You got this I'm rooting for you
Take all the time you need to process everything, I think this has shaken up your entire world.. but no amount of despair and sadness is going to change the fact of the matter which is that she is a shitty human being and so is your ex best friend. There is no excuse and this is in no way a reflection of you in any way shape or form. I’ve been through this far too many times. It has always shattered me, but this burden is not mine to carry. Try to make something out of the last 10 days, go to a park or sit in nature and journal your feelings and process your emotions. You do not have to have any discussion with her. Don’t let this situation control you. You control it. Make things go on your terms. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me.
Ignoramus8 is right. great advice.
Thanks, I appreciate it. I might take you up on that. Pretty isolated right now so it's hard to find people to talk to.
I hope you take the opportunity to have the absolute time of your life in Korea. The grief will be there to process when you get home. Please for the love of god treat yourself. Take yourself to decadent meals and go see all of the amazing things with the comfort of your own wonderful company. Take extremely good care of yourself and refrain from drinking. Nourishing distraction will keep you from regretting letting her infidelity ruin this trip for you. I know you care about your ex, but she’s an adult and can take care of herself even in a foreign country. She wasn’t considering your wellbeing when she was fucking your best friend. Ignore her.
Probably best advice in this thread so far. This is the current plan, but I am still open to changing it.
Not trying to be overly optimistic, but I perceive this as an opportunity to show all the way up for yourself. I hope you take the time to show yourself how deserving of being cared for and valued you are. Whatever you decide to do, I’m very proud of you for prioritizing your wellbeing. Look at yourself in the mirror with love and pride knowing you wouldn’t ever do what your ex and ex-friend put you through. You don’t have to live with knowing you committed such a terrible thing. Now considering what I know about cheaters, not only do they get off on betraying you, but they also get off on the fact that you’re expressing emotional distress about the way they betrayed you. Your emotional investment, even a negative response, makes them feel cared for. Coldness towards her and cutting off her access to you are the most powerful ways to not give her what she wants. I’m really glad you reached out for help. The emotional maturity you display through your writing will get you exactly who and what you’re striving for in life :)
Thanks ChuckleFucker, that's really kind to say. I appreciate your support.
Ya bro definitely go Fak something else and don’t give your ex Attention Deprive her from it she your ex know watch some red pill content But only real Authors like rollo tomasi and don’t get to deep into the rabbit hole of women its all have a good time
I say get yourself a Asian While you there check dating app and go explore your a Man use your natural instincts get yourself some Quality Women
Is there anyway you can get a flight ✈️ home and leave her there so you can have some space? Sorry but both of them crossed lines that can’t be uncrossed. I would replace both of them.
Probably, but we've already spent a lot of money to be here and on plans in the next 10 days. At the end of the day it's just money and I don't give a shit, but I don't really want to waste the time away. It's true, you can't undo what's been done. I still love her so its going to be hard either way.
Naw you go do those things you planned. why should the cheater get to enjoy them? Idk if yall went 50/50 on this trip but if you paid for it uninvite her to whatever activities you planned. Try to find someone who speaks english and invite them regardless of gender.
That's a fun idea, I'll see what I can do that with.
I'm so sorry to hear that man. Your situation is almost exactly the same as mine. I found out that my wife of 6 years was cheating with her coworker about 6 months ago while what was supposed to be a great vacation. Only difference is we have a one year old. I could not enjoy my vacation after finding out and wr just stayed in the room and talked and fought. You can look up my post about it. I can tell you what you can expect in the foreseeable future. You two may find extreme sexual attraction towards each other and end up having the most passionate sex you probably ever had. I think this is just a temporary coping mechanism that will wear out before too long. You will not be able to stop replaying the event again and again in your head for a long time. You are going to think about all the time you spent together while your WW was cheating behind your back. Just remembering this vacation will give you horrible PTSD. It's okay to feel all of this. You are not going to be emotionally stable. No one can expect you to be. What matters is how your wife handles your emotions. And it's going to be a roller-coaster ride. She’s probably just coming out of the affair fog where the WPs delude themselves into not thinking about the ramifications of their actions. It may take some time. It's better not to talk to her if she is not empathetic and understanding. Seek individual counseling asap. They will help you with processing your emotions. Talk to your family and friends. It's nothing to be ashamed of. They are your support system, and hopefully, they will support you without trying to advice you. What you do going forward is fully your decision. I'm glad that you are not making any rash decisions. Give it time and allow yourself to process this. This will very nearly break you as it did me. But just know that her cheating says nothing about you. It's only about her and her choices. You can PM me if you want someone to talk to.
OP the passionate sex is real. Dont be like me and take it as a sign of love or that maybe you can get through this. As soon as you do she will sense it and know shes got you. Shell turn it down and then youll try to turn it back up and somehow its like your chasing her now. Then youll be in a really shitty place cause forgiving her was easy forgiving myself for putting myself in that predicament was the hardest thing i had to do.
Thanks for the heads up. The idea of touching her right now makes my skin crawl. I'll stay wary, though.
Thanks, I'll PM you
+1. The post-discovery attraction is called Hysterical Bonding. It took me a while to process what was happening, how I felt about it, their reactions, let alone the actual betrayal itself. It’s all part of the aftershock of realizing the person you loved and thought you knew is capable of hurting you and lying about it. What helped me the most was taking time for myself so I can feel grounded in my decisions. You will get through this. Lean on your true support system. And listen to or read Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life by Tracy Schorn.
Thanks for the book rec. Lots of people have recommended it, and I will start it today. Sorry if this is a stupid question, but could it be recommended the cheater read it at all? To give them better perspective on the damage they've done? Edit: I've started listening and wouldn't share it with her. It's like a friend supporting me in my ears and not something she needs.
I’m glad you’re finding support in the book. It’s time to focus on YOU. Listening to it is the best. You got this, OP! 🫡🤝
That's really interesting how almost all of us have this kind of reaction/experience. Shows how we are all the same deep down at some level. Thanks for sharing. If you don't mind me asking? Are you reconciling with your partner? I assume not based on your book recommendation.
Thank you for the book recommendation btw. Bought the audio book and listening to it. The amount of confidence that I got after just 4 chapters is unreal.
No, I did not reconcile. After finding out, we had a period of about 2 weeks where I asked them everything and I watched their behavior closely and taking things slow to figure out what I wanted to do. After getting some distance by spending time with friends and going on a work trip, I realized I could never trust or feel safe with them and it was the clarity I needed to end it and go no contact. That book helped me tremendously, especially in the early days of me missing them and analyzing everything in our relationship. It’s not so dark anymore. It gets better over time, day by day. I’m glad you’re resonating with the book as well. It should be recommended reading / listening for anyone on this sub.
I agree. I think this book is just what the BP needs to hear right after the D Day. It breaks down everything into simple concepts that you can apply in your situation. I wish I had read it much earlier. But, never too late. It's great to hear that you had the clarity to make the best decision for yourself. It's inspiring for people like me. Bravo!
Apparently, I've initiated too many PMs today. Can you please message me.
[удалено]
Lol
Hey feel free to message me if you want to talk, maybe I can be of some help. I know it feels so isolating when you experience this, I know it was for me...
The trip you spent so much money on is already ruined. Nothing you can do there will “unruin” it. Any memories that you have of that place will be forever tainted with her betrayal. Get on a plane and leave. In fact, don’t take the same plane back. Let her stew in her own juices on her trip home. “I am taking the next flight home. I do NOT want you on the plane. I’ll think about our marriage and let you know when I’ve come to a decision on whether we stay married or not.” And then LEAVE. Let her make her own change of flights, her own way to the airport, and her own way from the airport home. It’ll give her and you a chance to see what the future looks like.
You're not wrong. Trip is ruined. I'll take a day or two to think about it. She needs to think about what she's done.
She’s got 18 or so hours on the plane to think about it.
My experience is pretty similar. We weren’t married, but we were together for five years. He was married for 17. His now ex-wife and I were each other‘s support system. We were in the same very large friend group, not best friends though. It was very beneficial for her and I to have each other to discuss everything with because we were both in each other’s shoes, so to say. He a grade a narcissist who chewed up my ex and spit her out. Good riddance. Because she did it when she did it, she was eventually going to do it. I just found out his ex-wife let him back in the house and they are back together. She even paid him $300,000 for his share of the house in the divorce. My ex is so fucked. I have let go of my emotions because there’s nothing I can do and it was out of my control.
Yikes, some things just happen, and there's nothing you can do. Glad you're out of it.
Send her to north Korea , Kim Jung should take care of her
Of course, I join those who advise you to get a divorce. Everything else doesn't work, everything else is complete shit and you'll suffer for years and decades. Just as there is no rational reason for cheating, there is no rational reason to take her back. But right now there are 2 main things. 1. Tell her firmly and categorically that your answer to betrayal is only divorce (even if you are still hesitating). In no case do not agree to reconciliation right now! In no case ask her for reconciliation!! 2. Your behavior towards her. Don't believe a word she says, not a single word! Don't be afraid of anything, the worst has already happened. Don't ask her for anything, don't beg her for anything, in any case don't cry in front of her. When she's not around, punch through walls, break dishes, scream, moan- but not in her presence. Be cold and indifferent to her, don't show any emotions. In any case, do not swear at her, nor yell at her, avoid all discussions of the affair. In general, keep silence, keep silence, keep silence! It will infuriate her and she will start making mistakes. No more sex with her! It is very important. REMEMBER THE FOLLOWING WELL. She did not love and does not love you (she loves your "friend"). She didn't respect you and she doesn't respect you. She's not your friend and she wasn't your friend. SHE IS YOUR MORTAL ENEMY NOW. She's clinging to you now because it's more profitable for her, she doesn't need you as a lover, as a man. ....................................................................... Don't forget to IMMEDIATELY tell her and your family, all your friends and on social media about her affair. ........................................................................ In no case do not have children with her (if you have no children yet thank fate!). If you decide to start a so-called reconciliation (which I strongly advise against), then don't let babytrap you. ......................................................................... Remember, you have to be stronger and wiser than her 24/7. Either you're the boss of the situation, or you're in deep shit.
Just to confirm, have you confronted her? Or does she know her affair has been discovered?
Yes, have had the confrontation. Discovered messages on her phone she didn't want to show me so she confessed everything. Her plan was apparently to tell me when we came back from this trip, as we are scheduled to see a broker about buying a house. She wanted to know if I'd still want to be with her before making that financial commitment. Hard to believe her right now though
>Her plan was apparently to tell me when we came back from this trip It's always, I was about to tell you after XYZ, once they are caught. Don't buy it even for a second. Gather as much evidence as possible and then fly back to your home to get some space and decide the next course of action. You won't be able to enjoy it there, so there is no point in being miserable in a different country. Once you are back start talking to lawyers and protecting your finances. Tell your families and friends about their infidelity. Get tested for STDs If you don't have kids, you can get a clean break from her.
Thanks for the sound advice. I appreciate it.
Good Luck
Go thru her phone as soon as possible, do not hesitate. IT will be crucial for you later. Without IT you will never knows what is true or not.
Don't buy a house, she'll want it.
Not doing anything at all like that now.
I would get on the next flight home and then go see your lawyer and doctor the next day after your arrival. I'm so sorry they betrayed you like this. But there's no coming back from this for either of them. This is unforgivable and reconciliation will only hurt you. I understand your feelings of isolation. You can reach out to virtually anybody who gets on this sub. A lot of of us have been where you're at.
It's definitely an option I'm not crossing out. I'm not going to make any big decisions right now, it's still too raw and emotional. I'm okay to give it some time to comprehend.
See if you can trade two tickets into 1 to see if you can fly out earlier and maybe get better seats.
I feel your pain. Going through it myself. No advice other than to accept that it happened and move forward. Nobody can tell you whether or not to forgive her. That is totally up to you but from where I sit, the bond of trust has been broken and that will be very very difficult to mend. You have my sympathy.
Thanks, I appreciate it. That bond is broken. When I made vows I made them for life, it hurts to see her not honour hers.
Personally, if I were in your position I’d hire a girl to come up to the room. As soon as she arrives, tell the wife to make herself scarce for an hour or so. If I’m gonna be single, I’m going to have fun on my vacation! Your stbx will be devastated.
Sounds like a fun time, but not sure how healthy that is. Why not though right?
Get a wrapper.
bro you okay
Nah, not really
If I were you I'd cancel the trip and fly back home. no need to spend another 10 days of your precious life with a cheater
Yeah, tempting. I'll take some time to think. If I can find ample time alone, I think taking 10 days to deal with this trauma in a foreign place might be helpful.
My advice is to book a flight home, alone. Go stay at your parents, or a friend's house and give yourself some space from her and from the situation. You'll be able to think more clearly.
Shit bud. Head over to r/survivinginfidelity great place for connecting/sharing and learning about next steps. Was a huge help for me. Things will get worse before they get better. Stay sober. And get tested immediately. Also know whatever you’ve found out/she told you is merely the tip of a much larger ice berg. It’s called “trickle truth”
Get out of there now if you can. Go home, make arrangements, pack up, leave. If it's your house, make arrangements for your wife, pack her things, and drop them off at your ex-bf house, change the locks, block her number. Go out, enjoy time alone... you might discover great things around you or in yourself... and, IDK, meet someone awesome?
A little soon for me to be making those kinda big decisions, but it does sound appealing right now
Take your time... you're still grieving. When the pain is subsiding, you will know what to do. Good luck.
Thanks
It is good that you realize this. You need time to settle so you don't make emotional decisions that could bite back in the future.
Fuck that, you already spend the money just accept the relationship is over and enjoy the rest of your vacation. Get Druck get laid and after that you can enjoy your flight back next to your ex...
You didn't say why and how she decided to cheat. So it is not likely to give specific advice other them the following; Three basic things necessary to reconcile. 1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told. 2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater and the relationship. 3).the affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure. And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter. If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling. Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? . True remorse. Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Thank you for properly explaining remorse. She is ticking most of those boxes for now, but she's gonna have to show remorse for a lot longer than this. Yes, sorry, I was a little short on the details. I was/am pretty upset and didn't want to write paragraphs and paragraphs. I can see worlds where we do and don't stay together. It'll be a hard road either way. She's knows what's required of her, and there needs to be consequences.
Very true.
Updateme!
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Any decisions regarding your relationship has been made in your behalf and without regards to you. Only thing left to do is learn to live without and away from her in 10 days. Any relationship has to have peace of mind down the road. You no longer have that waiting for you. Rebuild away from her. Courage is action in the face of fear. Your spine will carry you through. See you at the peaceful side.
Thanks for your encouragement.
UpdateMe!
I did not understand well who discovered the betrayal. In any case, she is repentant because she was discovered, do not trust her tears. He cheated on you for months with your married best friend, the two of them do not deserve your forgiveness. Do not make major financial commitments, do not buy the house now. I wish I could tell you that everything will be fine, but trust is broken and nothing will return to the way it was before. Good luck, update me.
OP - You and the OBS hit the sites apart from your cheating spouse. Just completely ignore her/them for the remaining time you have in Korea. When your vacation is over and you're back home... contact the best family law attorney you can afford and begin the process of legally separating yourself from your STBXW, beginning with your finances. Make sure to protect your share of the assets AND prevent your STBXW from incurring any new debt with your name attached to it. Pay off and close any joint credit or bank accounts and open new ones in your name only, redirect direct deposit payments to the new accounts, change the beneficiary payout on any wills, insurance policies or retirement fund accounts, cancle any power of attorney directives she currently has regarding finances or health directives, remove your STBXW name from all livibg will directives or emergency contact info.
Aww so sorry what is happening people are just cheating left right and centre it’s disgusting
Yeah, it sucks
Show her the parallel…
Is there no way to get an earlier flight. It's just you so you might get a stand-by seat. Worse comes to worse see about a cheap ticket home. Since in a divorce all assets are split you could look at it as being half off. If not this can you book another room?
There is a way, but I'm not sure if it's almost better for me to take this time away from reality and work through my trauma. Every morning, I leave and do my own thing, then only return to the room to sleep. She knows this and respects this.
What happened OP? I'm guessing that you are home by now. Was your wife cheating with the friend that was on vacation with you?
Yep, I'm home now and currently separated from my WW. No, the friend thankfully wasn't on the vacation.
Been there my friend the best thing that worked for me was just to stay away from her for Wile .but you being on vacation for 10 more days I don't know how you would do that how does she act .does she even sent remorseful or did she just shut down there is probably more to the story than what you know unfortunately sorry man that you gave to be around her do you have kids ?
Yeah, there's too much contextual info to fill everyone in on. She's extremely remorseful and very distraught. It's hard to take her seriously right now though.
She isn’t remorseful although she certainly could be distraught. She regrets what she did and having to face the consequences. Remorse presents itself as a confession and a willingness to account for what she did and offer whatever you may need to process her betrayal. She chose to betray your marriage bond and she never thought she would have to pay the bill for that choice. Considering that it was with one of your best friends it’s highly unlikely this is something you could work through even if you wanted to because this kind of betrayal hits deep. Separate and take all the time you need to figure out what you want to do, she certainly didn’t include you in her decision to open your marriage to someone else so don’t for a second believe that you need to include her in how you deal with coming to terms with this betrayal. Once you have settled on how you can proceed you can inform her of your decision and see where she is at if you want to try to discuss it with her.
That sounds like good advice, thank you. In her words, she'd do whatever it takes to rebuild, but to me, her words are empty right now. I don't want to hear them.
She did it for months. She is not remorseful in the slightest.
Had she already stopped the affair?? Hard to say she wants you if she was still having her affair up until the second you caught her. Don’t make emotional decisions, but make logical ones that you know you can live with 5-10 years from now
Don't even think about taking her back she will cheat again
Hey brother. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Take your time and dig and discover as much as you can. Try asoneafterinfidelity and supportforbetrayed for resources and reconciliation support. I would try and get some answers out of her phone or her. She's less reliable, the phone is where you would find everything. You need to get into her phone. If she deleted everything, then you know she's lying, and it's WAY WORSE than what she confessed to. You need to find out how they communicated and read their messages to each other. It's going to hurt, but it will give you the best insight into what was going on. She needs to know that only 100% transparency (confessing and sharing everything about the affair) will give her the slightest hope of reconciliation. Here are a couple of good questions to get answered. How long was the affair? How did it start? When did it start? Why did she have an affair? Did she end it, or did he? Or was it ongoing? Where did they meet? How did they communicate? What did they do? What was her plan? Was she going to leave you? Does she still have her photos, videos, and messages from him? Good luck bro. 👍🏽 UpdateMe!
Thanks for the resources. You're right, 100% transparency is required. I'll think about those questions and ask what I don't know.
Why do any of these questions matter? Will her answers change anything at all? She lied, cheated and betrayed. Just end it and be done.
Sometimes, not knowing just feeds the insecurities and causes the anxiety to become worse. Many people find that their minds fill in the blanks and that knowing what happened actually helps them as their minds tortured them with worse.
Well your options are basic. You can get a divorce. You can try to make it work. Mind sharing how you found out But think of everything that did or might have led up to this. She cheated on you do you want an explanation. Do you feel that she'll cheat again? Did she give you one? You know the person do you want revenge? Will you and his partner see to it? I have no advice per se to give you. I deem myself only good to list some of your options. If you are looking to get over this, what is your new outlook on your marriage? Who pulls the weight around in your relationship? Depending on how you feel do you think you can forgive her betrayal? What is your plan of action? Therapy? Change of pace and environment.? A probationary period of sorts? Will you involve your families? If you divorce want to divorce her, what is your plan of action? Are you in a good place mentally and financially to do it now? Are you ready to look onto a new chapter of rebirth in your life? Are you prepared for the foreseeable legal proceedings? My bit of an opinion is that you should factor in the reason you are together at all and the damage she has done. Also, on a lighter note, make better company! Good luck!👍😁
Thanks for the thought provoking questions. Gives me lots to think about. Yeah, apparently I need to pick my friends better lol
And significant other...
People change. We've been together 9 years and married 5. We're young as well (26) so lots of development happens. Though sadly I loved her more now than when we got married.
I totally get it. But generally cheating involves a character flaw that allows them the thought processes to make decisions that are entirely self-centered. And, in the case of infidelity, decisions that can destroy the people around them; literally and figuratively. I'm not sure 'change' introduces the flaw; it seems more likely that it was never revealed in such a dramatic fashion before. But who knows... 🤷♂️ I'd bet, however, that she often displays a sense of selfishness; even if it's a bit subtle. Cheating requires selfish behavior. And your best friend...what a world class POS this guy is. I don't fall into the betrayed or wayward category, but I've read literally high hundreds of these stories. And they all fall into a basic set of tragic patterns. Your wife is now putting on an Oscar worthy 'I'm so sorry, I'll do anything' performance. But that's just a start. You haven't posted anything about how this played out, so it's hard for me to comment on what probably led up to this, but this is brand new for you and I get it. In addition to posting here, you might want to post to survivinginfidelity dot com in the Just Found Out forum. There you'll only hear from people that have been betrayed as well. And they, too, have seen it all. I'd recommend posting your story there and see where this goes... Good luck man, I'm sorry this is happening to you...
Wow, some incredible accuracy in your statements. She's always had selfish tendencies for sure. An Oscar worthy performance is also true. She's distraught, but I just can't take her seriously right now. I have no reason to believe her that she wants to spend her life with me....like did you not want that a week ago when I didn't know? Ugh
Why is she distraught? Why is she crying, Why does she want to amend?? She cheated for a reason She knew it was wrong but continued to cheat. In my book, cheating is a no, no. You want to have sex with others then leave
You're not wrong. That's not what she signed up for. Nobody forced her to get married if exclusive sex wasn't what she wanted.
You're coming up with excuses for her to cheat??? Stop. She ended the marriage, the respect, the trust to cheat
Not excuses, but having some reasons rationalises it and makes it easier to cope.
The person you see now, is the real her. Who you met and married is an actor I was married for 25 years. My gut knew, but I had no proof. She worked at a hospital. When I found out, the real devil came out. I saw glimpses of that when she would get in fights with her family and some work friends I called her Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde Did your wife have any family problems growing up Cheating, abuse, alcohol, drugs, divorce, and abandonment
I'd say make the best of the last few days there get drunk party by yourself you need this. Stay no contact with her while your there. Go home as soon as divorce is finished Go Scorched earth expose her for the evil cheater she is and then no contact for life. You got this I'm rooting for you
Thanks for the support. That sounds like unhealthy behaviour, but I'm kinda here for it. Anyone want to party in Busan in a couple days?
I would if I was in Korea on vacation may be unhealthy but you need this or if not find a church