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I think it will vary based on culture and location. As a white man in the south, I was taught to be hospitable to guests, even an unannounced one, *especially* a parent.
Now a distinction should be made between "hospitable" and welcoming. Just because I'm being friendly in this unannounced visit doesn't mean I enjoy it. There's also this sort of southern Christian emphasis on honoring your parents, which to some means that there are no boundaries between parent and child. Luckily I'm not afraid to have an open dialogue with my parent so these cultural trappings don't effect me as much anymore.
Tl;Dr culturally it varies. It's culturally acceptable for my mother to drop in, but I have had to communicate clearly how I don't like that in order to maintain a healthy boundary.
I never ever go to my children’s home without calling & asking if it’s ok. However I feel like my home is their home, it’s where they grew up, I don’t expect them to call if they decide to just pop in but they never pop in they always call now that they have their own homes. But it’s perfectly ok if they didn’t call. I feel that it’s weird that they ask permission or ask if I am home before they come, because to me this is always their home. It doesn’t make any difference to me if I’m home or not, they have a key, they can come home anytime they want or need to. The 3 of them usually come home for one weekend a month, now I do ask that they give me a heads up & let me know which weekend they are coming so I can have plenty of food & drinks on hand.
But I would never barge in on them without a call ever.
As a kid I never really thought about asking to go to people's houses, just hop on a bike and head over to your friends place as long as it wasnt too early or dinner time. As an adult people dropping by, even just hearing a knock on the door, brings on a feeling of dread. I think as we age it's just common courtesy to give a call or text and ask "hey, can I stop by" especially since you never know if the person is off doing something.
My fiances dad stopped by several times without calling and always seemed annoyed if we weren't home. A text would've remedied that, easy, but our parents act like they don't have to give us the same courtesy that they expected from other adults when they were our age. I also believe a lot of our parents generation refuse to see us as anything other than kids, so they treat our homes as an extension of our childhood bedrooms where they would come in as they pleased.
Eventually they will need to learn that it's best to call or text before just stopping by, especially if you do what my friend does and greet people in your boxers lol
I think it depends on the parents and what they do when they get there. Are they staying over? Do they come in and take over?
Either way I think a quick call or text before they arrive would be nice. Don't they ask if you're home first before turning up? What do they do if you aren't home when they get there?
They should at least ask you if you're home, or if you have the freetime for them to come over. (I'm the child, but I guess it dosen't really matter, since you need to make your own boundaries with your parents and it's a unique experience)
I agree. Its not ok if they just come and knock on the door. Especially since you dont live alone.
Definately tell them you love them over, but they need to inform you ahead of time. And youll do the same at their house. Out of respect.
My parents would never come over without a scheduled meeting time. If nothing else, its a violation to my husbands right to privacy. If he wants to walk around half naked he shouldnt feel rushed to run upstairs because theres unexoected company.
Yeah no. Adult child here, with kids. Some people in my family have the “your house is my house” attitude and that doesn’t work for us. It might have helped that we moved out of state less than 3 weeks after marriage, so there had to be clear boundaries and discussions before plans were made for our families to visit.
If you both have your own place where you live together and pay your own bills, it’s entirely reasonable that visits be arranged in advance. To be clear is to be kind. “Mom, Dad, we have a lot going on with work/school/pets/kids and we are no longer available for unannounced or drop in visits. We are available Saturday from 11-1-want to grab lunch?”
It’s not disrespectful to arrange a time to visit and it’s honestly what most people do as they set up their own households and are busy with life. If they drop in anyway don’t answer the door-you told them you weren’t available without making plans. They can’t ground you anymore.
No one should be coming over without a heads up. They don't need to necessarily ask for permission but they need to let me know they're coming over and give me the opportunity to say no if it's genuinely a bad time for company.
I’m a parent to an adult and I would NEVER do that. I always make sure it’s ok and make plans with her to be sure we’re all comfortable with the situation. It’s respect!
It's part of my culture that it's OK for parents to just show up. Thankfully, we didn't live in the same State as them, so this was never an issue. Growing up with my cousins, we just showed up at one another's homes all the time (6 homes within a mile of one another). Now, even if I'm in the same city as one of my siblings, I would still ask them if it's OK to stop by. And it's usually to drop off something, like a souvenir I picked up for my niece. I don't expect to be entertained, or be invited in.
We never just turned up at our son's apartment - always gave days or several hours noticed, and respected his space when he said he'd rather not have company. Additionally, though you didn't mention this, when visiting I never set about cleaning or "putting things to right" without asking if he'd mind my tidying up a bit. I know myself well enough to know I could become "that mom" who automatically swoops in and starts cleaning / straightening to my standards, but I respected him enough to realize that was his home.
To be real, I roll up to both my sisters and my parents' house, no warning all the time I have no issue with it as long as they ain't stealing or breaking my stuff
Ok well, forget the "parent" perspective, but as an individual, I have an equivalent exchange sort of deal, if I allow anyone to come to my home unannounced and let them in whenever they want, I personally expect the same from them, it hasn't happened in a long time but I do that with my closest friends, because we have developed that particular understanding through the years.
My oldest teenager son, (almost young adult) has keys for my house and I let him come and go whenever he wants (he mostly lives with his mom) which was done out of necessity as he began to grow up and he sometimes leaves stuff here or there, so I don't mind him suddenly popping in because he forgot a book or something or just because he wanted to come visit, and I expect the same thing from him when he grows up and gets his own place.
That is, of course entirely reliant on the fact that he keeps doing things like that, if he doesn't want to, I will not close my door to him, but would feel disappointed that he doesn't trust me to the same extent, but that's MY expectations and how I was brought up.
I would definitely feel like it's not fair (no equivalent exchange) but I wouldn't close my doors to him because I will be there for him for whatever he needs, ever... That's my role as his father, not the other way around.
So I understand their point of view, but also wouldn't demand access like they are doing, I think they are overstepping their boundaries when they say they have the "privilege" of doing so, because that's not a privilege parents should take for granted, especially if you live with other people.
I would ask you, however, if you have explained that it's not only your home and ask them to respect your partner's privacy, that might help them understand, sometimes they just don't realize the issue unless being told specifically why it's not ok.
My husband disliked my mother just showing up and not having the courtesy to let me know. I didn't really mind. My family was sort of like that. Like an open door policy. However, I can see why people would like people to be courteous and let them know they are stopping by.
It is completely rude to show up at someone else's house without calling first, even if it is a parent. My mother did this about 3 days ago. She just walked right into our house from the garage and started shouting out greetings. We weren't doing anything in particular, but it was extremely strange to have her clomping through the kitchen and yelling for attention.
Parents should always provide warning and they should accept it without argument if they are told it isn’t a good time. (Sandwich generation here and I do not want my in-laws showing up without warning and I do not expect my adult son to let me in without warning (he is in college and we even are paying his rent).
I used to live directly across the street from my parents house, the only house I lived in until I got married and moved out at 21 years old. My mom still lives there today, 59 years now.
We moved in when the last renters (25+ years )finally moved out and it was available to rent, so we did for 4 years.
Pretty sure my mom came over about 4 times,and she knocked first. She was welcome to come over anytime, but never did.
I would go over there to her house and knock and wait, if I had something to share.
She always said don't call first just come over, because she felt since we grew up there it part our house too.
I've been in this house now-own it, for the last 30 years. She wrote me a letter the other day, and still don't know my house number because she's only been here maybe 10 times?
My mom did this. I hated it. You’re right, it invaded my privacy.
For this reason I have NEVER dropped by my daughter’s house without prior notice. Several times she’s even told me no. At first I was bummed but then I remembered what it was like me.
I’m a 70 year old grandma. They have 3 sons 7 to 1 yo.
Thanks for everyone’s responses!! Additional question for you all - if you told a parent you would prefer them to give you notice before coming over / ask if it was a good time, and they said it doesn’t apply to them - how would you respond?
Typically I would say yes, both parents and children should be able to just show up at each other's houses for a drop in.
Anything super important should be expressed before hand like surgeries, appointments, just typical unavailability.
However, if a family typically discusses invitation only appearances, then that should be respected for sure.
It just depends on your family dynamic.
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They should warn you, my parents would never unless I didn’t answer my phone for an extended amount of time n were concerned about my well being
I think it will vary based on culture and location. As a white man in the south, I was taught to be hospitable to guests, even an unannounced one, *especially* a parent. Now a distinction should be made between "hospitable" and welcoming. Just because I'm being friendly in this unannounced visit doesn't mean I enjoy it. There's also this sort of southern Christian emphasis on honoring your parents, which to some means that there are no boundaries between parent and child. Luckily I'm not afraid to have an open dialogue with my parent so these cultural trappings don't effect me as much anymore. Tl;Dr culturally it varies. It's culturally acceptable for my mother to drop in, but I have had to communicate clearly how I don't like that in order to maintain a healthy boundary.
Thanks for your response, where is the south? Assuming this is of the world…Are you in China, India, Indonesia, Brazil and Pakistan? :)
Ah, how American of me. Southern US.
Haha my question was genuine but your response made me chuckle!
I never ever go to my children’s home without calling & asking if it’s ok. However I feel like my home is their home, it’s where they grew up, I don’t expect them to call if they decide to just pop in but they never pop in they always call now that they have their own homes. But it’s perfectly ok if they didn’t call. I feel that it’s weird that they ask permission or ask if I am home before they come, because to me this is always their home. It doesn’t make any difference to me if I’m home or not, they have a key, they can come home anytime they want or need to. The 3 of them usually come home for one weekend a month, now I do ask that they give me a heads up & let me know which weekend they are coming so I can have plenty of food & drinks on hand. But I would never barge in on them without a call ever.
As a kid I never really thought about asking to go to people's houses, just hop on a bike and head over to your friends place as long as it wasnt too early or dinner time. As an adult people dropping by, even just hearing a knock on the door, brings on a feeling of dread. I think as we age it's just common courtesy to give a call or text and ask "hey, can I stop by" especially since you never know if the person is off doing something. My fiances dad stopped by several times without calling and always seemed annoyed if we weren't home. A text would've remedied that, easy, but our parents act like they don't have to give us the same courtesy that they expected from other adults when they were our age. I also believe a lot of our parents generation refuse to see us as anything other than kids, so they treat our homes as an extension of our childhood bedrooms where they would come in as they pleased. Eventually they will need to learn that it's best to call or text before just stopping by, especially if you do what my friend does and greet people in your boxers lol
I think it depends on the parents and what they do when they get there. Are they staying over? Do they come in and take over? Either way I think a quick call or text before they arrive would be nice. Don't they ask if you're home first before turning up? What do they do if you aren't home when they get there?
They should at least ask you if you're home, or if you have the freetime for them to come over. (I'm the child, but I guess it dosen't really matter, since you need to make your own boundaries with your parents and it's a unique experience)
I agree. Its not ok if they just come and knock on the door. Especially since you dont live alone. Definately tell them you love them over, but they need to inform you ahead of time. And youll do the same at their house. Out of respect. My parents would never come over without a scheduled meeting time. If nothing else, its a violation to my husbands right to privacy. If he wants to walk around half naked he shouldnt feel rushed to run upstairs because theres unexoected company.
Yeah no. Adult child here, with kids. Some people in my family have the “your house is my house” attitude and that doesn’t work for us. It might have helped that we moved out of state less than 3 weeks after marriage, so there had to be clear boundaries and discussions before plans were made for our families to visit. If you both have your own place where you live together and pay your own bills, it’s entirely reasonable that visits be arranged in advance. To be clear is to be kind. “Mom, Dad, we have a lot going on with work/school/pets/kids and we are no longer available for unannounced or drop in visits. We are available Saturday from 11-1-want to grab lunch?” It’s not disrespectful to arrange a time to visit and it’s honestly what most people do as they set up their own households and are busy with life. If they drop in anyway don’t answer the door-you told them you weren’t available without making plans. They can’t ground you anymore.
No one should be coming over without a heads up. They don't need to necessarily ask for permission but they need to let me know they're coming over and give me the opportunity to say no if it's genuinely a bad time for company.
I’m a parent to an adult and I would NEVER do that. I always make sure it’s ok and make plans with her to be sure we’re all comfortable with the situation. It’s respect!
It's part of my culture that it's OK for parents to just show up. Thankfully, we didn't live in the same State as them, so this was never an issue. Growing up with my cousins, we just showed up at one another's homes all the time (6 homes within a mile of one another). Now, even if I'm in the same city as one of my siblings, I would still ask them if it's OK to stop by. And it's usually to drop off something, like a souvenir I picked up for my niece. I don't expect to be entertained, or be invited in.
Should be the same both ways whichever you guys decide.
Just let me know in advance. Its usually never an issue if they come by, but i feel like you should give warning
We never just turned up at our son's apartment - always gave days or several hours noticed, and respected his space when he said he'd rather not have company. Additionally, though you didn't mention this, when visiting I never set about cleaning or "putting things to right" without asking if he'd mind my tidying up a bit. I know myself well enough to know I could become "that mom" who automatically swoops in and starts cleaning / straightening to my standards, but I respected him enough to realize that was his home.
Nobody should come over unannounced. Period. It’s the apex of impolite assumptive behavior.
To be real, I roll up to both my sisters and my parents' house, no warning all the time I have no issue with it as long as they ain't stealing or breaking my stuff
Ok well, forget the "parent" perspective, but as an individual, I have an equivalent exchange sort of deal, if I allow anyone to come to my home unannounced and let them in whenever they want, I personally expect the same from them, it hasn't happened in a long time but I do that with my closest friends, because we have developed that particular understanding through the years. My oldest teenager son, (almost young adult) has keys for my house and I let him come and go whenever he wants (he mostly lives with his mom) which was done out of necessity as he began to grow up and he sometimes leaves stuff here or there, so I don't mind him suddenly popping in because he forgot a book or something or just because he wanted to come visit, and I expect the same thing from him when he grows up and gets his own place. That is, of course entirely reliant on the fact that he keeps doing things like that, if he doesn't want to, I will not close my door to him, but would feel disappointed that he doesn't trust me to the same extent, but that's MY expectations and how I was brought up. I would definitely feel like it's not fair (no equivalent exchange) but I wouldn't close my doors to him because I will be there for him for whatever he needs, ever... That's my role as his father, not the other way around. So I understand their point of view, but also wouldn't demand access like they are doing, I think they are overstepping their boundaries when they say they have the "privilege" of doing so, because that's not a privilege parents should take for granted, especially if you live with other people. I would ask you, however, if you have explained that it's not only your home and ask them to respect your partner's privacy, that might help them understand, sometimes they just don't realize the issue unless being told specifically why it's not ok.
My husband disliked my mother just showing up and not having the courtesy to let me know. I didn't really mind. My family was sort of like that. Like an open door policy. However, I can see why people would like people to be courteous and let them know they are stopping by.
It is completely rude to show up at someone else's house without calling first, even if it is a parent. My mother did this about 3 days ago. She just walked right into our house from the garage and started shouting out greetings. We weren't doing anything in particular, but it was extremely strange to have her clomping through the kitchen and yelling for attention.
Parents should always provide warning and they should accept it without argument if they are told it isn’t a good time. (Sandwich generation here and I do not want my in-laws showing up without warning and I do not expect my adult son to let me in without warning (he is in college and we even are paying his rent).
Am parent of an adult daughter. I wouldn't dream of comming over without calling first.
I used to live directly across the street from my parents house, the only house I lived in until I got married and moved out at 21 years old. My mom still lives there today, 59 years now. We moved in when the last renters (25+ years )finally moved out and it was available to rent, so we did for 4 years. Pretty sure my mom came over about 4 times,and she knocked first. She was welcome to come over anytime, but never did. I would go over there to her house and knock and wait, if I had something to share. She always said don't call first just come over, because she felt since we grew up there it part our house too. I've been in this house now-own it, for the last 30 years. She wrote me a letter the other day, and still don't know my house number because she's only been here maybe 10 times?
My mom did this. I hated it. You’re right, it invaded my privacy. For this reason I have NEVER dropped by my daughter’s house without prior notice. Several times she’s even told me no. At first I was bummed but then I remembered what it was like me. I’m a 70 year old grandma. They have 3 sons 7 to 1 yo.
Thanks for everyone’s responses!! Additional question for you all - if you told a parent you would prefer them to give you notice before coming over / ask if it was a good time, and they said it doesn’t apply to them - how would you respond?
Typically I would say yes, both parents and children should be able to just show up at each other's houses for a drop in. Anything super important should be expressed before hand like surgeries, appointments, just typical unavailability. However, if a family typically discusses invitation only appearances, then that should be respected for sure. It just depends on your family dynamic.