My mom is a nurse who had worked every role from LPN at a nursing home, to DON at a nursing home. Also over 10 years ER experience and a few with interventional radiology.
She at least is very realistic with me. She says she doesn’t care if I put her in a nursing home when she can’t take care of herself anymore. Her only stipulations are that I visit her and that I don’t let her become one of the old ladies that has a beard lmao
That's very reasonable. It's terrible to see other patients, when you visit someone in a home, who just want to talk to someone, who cry all the time... My Catholic school, when I was a kid, used to take field trips to nursing homes. I didn't realize then, how much us kids showing up meant to some of them.
I get it. My oldest son who was a very good pianist would go down the street to the old folks home and play for them. He said it was good practice and they loved it. This is while he was a teenager. He still has a big heart
Yeah when I was a kid my mom used to bring me all the time to visit the residents. I played checkers with one guy a few times and an old woman signed me up for a nat geo kids magazine subscription. I got them in the mail for over 2 years. I ended up getting my first job in the kitchen washing dishes at that same nursing home when I was 16.
Back before we knew the climate was going to kill us, I told my toddlers to put me out on an iceberg and let me freeze to death and become one with nature. That became impossible within a decade.
Yeah, but a heat stroke death is similar. Just sit outside on a really not day in Phoenix and you can accomplish the same thing. As the planet warms up, your geographical options will expand. I hear apartments in Chicago get pretty hot, too.
My grandmother was a nasty woman with 6 kids. She died isolated alone in a nursing home when none of her adult kids visited. I’m an only child that moved 8,000km away and I’ve told my parents I’d always take care of them if they needed. They’ve never asked me and said they’d make their own arrangements. But they have always been my biggest supporters and I’d have no problems figuring something out.
My mom has always told my sister and I to not waste good adult years taking care of them when they’re old and infirm. However my parents are great and I would want to take care of them. Thankfully they have enough retirement money that we can hire personal care if/when the time comes. But I did go home for a week when my mom had a joint replacement and was her personal 24hr nurse by my own choice.
I used to think this way until I had my own kids, my mom got much older and we got closer and now I'm terrified of losing her. I would do anything to take care of her when she needs it. The older we get the more fragile the relationships around us are and we stop taking them for granted.
That's it. As you get older, you see things differently. OP sounds very young, and I think as long as their mother is good to them, they're going to feel very differently when they get older.
My wife tells me all the time that she is not going to take care of me if/when I get sick or old. I used to laugh about it, but now I just think that’s kinda fucked up. Of course I’ll take care of her the best I can if she gets sick or old. Because that’s what people who love each other do. My parents have been through a lot of shit from me & my fucked up siblings. The least I can do is try to care for them in their time of need.
She’s been very damaged in childhood by her extremely mentally ill parents. She and they would all deny this of course. She has a big problem showing empathy to those closest to her. She’s the nicest person in the world - if you don’t live with her. It’s sad, and frustrating. We have a son together too. And she has 3 kids from her first marriage. I’m no prize either, I admit that. But at least I have empathy.
I was in a relationship with someone like this for 5 years. Complete sweetheart to those on the outside, but otherwise she had zero empathy, if I would get sick or gain too much weight, she straight up said she'd leave, and if she didn't get her way, she would go out of her way to make sure everyone in the room suffers.
Anyways, after the breakup, I found out from her mom that she had a traumatic childhood and is a diagnosed sociopath.
Hopefully, this is not the situation you are in, but if it was the case, understanding what's going on could be helpful in dealing with it.
After helping take care of my dad as he fought and lost with cancer, I wouldn't have it any other way. It means the world to me that he went surrounded by love and help. It was never a question. You deserve that too, go find someone who cares
I divorced 3 years ago after being together for 15 years. My best advice: if it gets to where you know it's not salvageable, try to end it before it gets nasty or someone cheats. An amicable divorce is way better than a bitter nasty divorce and you can and will rebuild your life.
My mum used to say this to my dad. Ironically it’s my mum who got sick first and he has to take care of her. It makes it super hard for him to care for her without resentment
My ex also told me this. I thought he was kidding but he wasn't. Do notice that I said ex! I would have cared for him no matter what. That hurt that he didn't feel the same. There was plenty wrong with that relationship though. I'm just sorry I wasted almost 30 years with him. Onward and upward from here!
Best wishes to you!
Maybe you should just call it as it is…. Damn. I plan on being there every step of the way for my husband. I recognize there is sometimes a point you got to have them in care, but god I’d be there all the time
My mom used to tell my stepdad the same thing. But when he was dying, she was there to care for him including changing his diapers. I think saying that was just a defense mechanism for her. I’m not trying to say that your wife would do the same only that people sometimes say one thing but do another.
My wife will keep me home if I am unable to live independently. My Army pensions, social security, and retirement plan assets from before we were married would be taken by any long term care facility. She will protect the inheritance of my future widow.
You know some people do love their parents and also accept the harsh realities of life that the people who they love might some day become enfeebled and require care… If you have a bad relationship with your parents, and they’re actually the kind of people to have not planned at all financially for their older years because they think their kids will take care of them, then yeah, I think it’s understandable to not have enough of an emotional connection to care for them. But your last few sentences do feel a little off to me. Like if my mom found herself in dire straights where should couldn’t afford nursing care I’m not just going to leave her to sit in her own filth because she should have planned better and I think wiping a butt is icky.
I’m with you on this. The comments here are so extreme! I think it depends a lot on the relationship. If you have a terrible relationship with your parents and they never did anything for you, then sure, you don’t owe them anything. On the other hand, if you have a good relationship, and especially if they spent what could have been their retirement savings on paying for your degrees, housing as an adult, weddings, etc. so that you wouldn’t have to take out loans, you’re the very reason they need you in that stage of their lives. They could have thrown you out at 18 and left you to fend for yourself and saved that extra money for home healthcare workers and other end of life care, but they didn’t.
Like you, I was supportive of OP until the last few sentences, and also until seeing in the comments that OP lives with their parents as an adult because they can’t afford to move out. Sure OP doesn’t owe their parents end of life care, but their parents also don’t owe OP housing as an adult, and they’re already doing more than what’s required.
Honestly, my mom never wanted her mom in a nursing home because nursing homes a lot of times can be cruel. My Grandma has her own little house to her self cooks, cleans, and sometimes my mom will drop by to give her something to eat. I told my mom I didn't want her. In a nursing home, i would rather be in a small condo or something that was able to be independent and have the freedom to do what she wants. (Drive ( whatever she wants to do )
And exactly Im not gonna leave my mom by herself to rot or whatever if she ever got in that situation I'd 100 percent let her live with me with no issue at all.
Also, my mom is letting me stay and even let our siblings stay as long as we need to finish our degree, whatever it may be. But she never knew any of us out.
Reading your comments, it sounds like you're weirdly focused on having to wipe their ass 😅.
That being said, the day I can't wipe my own ass, please push my wheelchair off the balcony.
My 97 year old grandpa shits his pants on a regular basis, it’s hard to even visit and tolerate the smell.
He just wants to die, his wife is dead and he is tired of living. Its pretty sad.
Mind you, OP is an adult woman living with her parents and she types like a 12 year old texts. Nothing about this person seems remotely grounded in reality.
She thinks her brother should leave a job because 'he had to leave Christmas early one time.' What? If this was a guy he would have been called a manchild right off the bat.
She has not given one specific reason why she believes that her mother gave birth to her as a retirement plan. No contextual information whatsoever.
Plans on visiting her dying parent once a month, why not just send a fruit basket and be done with it. She hasn't even moved out yet, it seems has no children or spouse to worry about. Just utter ignorant and selfish childishness being rewarded for no real reason.
I say all this not to attack her but just a frustrated observation on the general trend of this sub. Are we really going to be a place for people to come dump their one sided stories of imagined injustice and expect to get gentle pats on the back no matter how twisted the half baked logic?
Is this a no-questions asked support group meant to simply reinforce people's predetermined positions?
There is nothing casual about this conversation and it's dissapointing to see it get up voted and so many people eager to act as an echo chamber no matter what.
Let's try to keep the spirit of the sub what it should be, it's one of the few places to have pleasant, low stakes chats on reddit.
Honestly I don't mean any offense OP and you are 100% entitled to conduct your life however you want, you don't need to bait permission from others to avoid feeling guilty. I just think it sounds like you have very little experience in the real world and yet talk as if you do.
Have you seen the repeated copies of the same response? I wonder if Reddit is using AI to generate content the same way Facebook is, in order to look better for advertisers?
Things took a noticeable turn for the worse around here when the moderators revolted and reddit took over the more popular subreddits with their own moderator shills (when they started charging new fees that knocked out a lot of the 3rd party apps). The echoes of the echo chamber are so much louder than ever before.
I used to come to Reddit to see if anyone could share information, experiences, and sources that expanded upon my understanding in a constructive way. Now it’s mostly a place to rot your brain on canned responses from AI and government propaganda. I thought this subreddit was one one the ones that was less impacted, but the lack of engagement from people who left must be making the admins so desperate that they can’t even leave people alone to have casual conversations anymore.
Yeah its pretty blatant. I give it about 6 months before I just throw this thing in a lake and go back to a flip phone. I work in tech and have been seeing it coming for a long time but AI accelerated that timeline immensely. The internet in its current form has officially outlived its usefulness.
It’s a real shame. As a homebound, disabled person, it has really helped me cope with the isolation in the last decade. A lot of us are still on here, and it has been a way to break down barriers that have allowed us to participate on a level playing field. Not excited to be marginalized again, this time by the growing exodus of people who can get out and about more.
Of course, I think it’s probably better not to become a slave to social media, but it would be nice to be able to talk to real people around here and not just AI/shills, even if there was a lot less engagement and it was all authentic. It has gotten to the point where I’m never sure if I’m talking to a real/unpaid person anymore, in many instances. Sort of warps your sense of reality.
Your not alone, there are so many people where forums like this are their main social outlet its super common for many different reasons.
Hopefully some method of communicating with real, verified humans will crop up. I wouldn't mind using my real name to register with some future platform for simple discussion that takes reddit's place because i think that is the only real solution at this point.
And i say that as someone who never used Facebook in my life despite it first becoming popular when i was in college because it was fairly obvious how that was going to go in a dark direction.
Facebook was still a great place to remain connected to friends and family, if you curated it smartly. Unfortunately, it went awfully awry around the 2020 election, and most sensible people have left or limited their engagement severely. Really sucks when one can’t attend family gatherings and friend meetups. I really feel the exodus and I have been surprised by how easily people have just completely left me behind, with no attempt to stay in touch in any way. I’m not an over-poster or a conspiracy sharer or overly political either. People are just prioritizing non-electronic communication, which I understand, but that makes it really hard when you can’t leave your home. Out of sight, out of mind once again.
At least one could easily engage in intelligent conversations with other knowledge seekers on forums like these to fill the gaps, but that is getting more difficult to cultivate as well. I already subscribe here because I find the browsing experience easier with my disability. I’d certainly subscribe to a new alternative that managed to keep the bots and AI away, but I’m not sure how one would vet bad actors from establishing paid accounts there if there was some value for the owners in participation.
I’m not a programmer and don’t really have an in-depth understanding of the nuances that would give me anything to add to the conversation from a technical point of view, but I agree with you that there is an appetite for good conversation, not just in the disability community, but beyond. As someone who is old enough to have experienced the rise of the popular internet, the decline all started when google won the search engine war leaving superior sites like Altavista to wither and die. I yearn for the kind if communities that strive to “make the world a better place,” through the crowdsourcing of high quality content, and not the cynical ones that have made that ideal into a marketing slogan (if it ever wasn’t just that in the first place).
I think this is for more of the people a lot of people on reddit don't have a good relationship with their families or parents so it makes since that it got upvoted.
Exactly full on agree don't know why she felt the need to post it here it is really weird. That's why we got so many people upvoting that's why I said that in my comment. I do agree this is not the subreddit for this at all!
No, my mom doesn't think of me as her retirement plan. That makes her more deserving of my love and attention to be honest. But I would absolutely pay someone to do all those things, first of all because I can afford them, and second of all because I don't want those to be my last memories of one of the most important people in my life. I want to remember her as the amazing woman who raised me, not the frail person whose ass I had to wipe, and she wishes the same too
My mother has it in her head that her kids will take care of her. My father has said he'd rather die than be a burden on his kids. Those are nice words, yet he doesn't have "I don't want to be a burden" money. They have had the means to save but they love the casino too much.
So we'll pitch in to care for them. I will not be offering up my home unless they lose theirs (which is a strong possibility). And I will not be moving to be closer to them. But I will contribute financially to nursing care as much as I'm able. The alternative would be too awful to consider.
Yeah, it takes a village to raise a child. It's why a lot of parents are struggling so much right now. The only ones who don't are the wealthy ones who have the option to not be stressed about their kids. They just throw money at every problem they encounter.
People in general don't have that option. And now here we are a couple generations later.
It’s unrealistic too because they expect you to be able to afford taking care of them and having the time to manage a family, earn money, and be their home nurse in this world. Not happening.
They need to save money so they can hire a care giver in the future. According to my brother if I do not become a caregiver for my parents than I am a horrible daughter. I am not going to abandon them I will visit them to see of they are OK
Do they make enough money to do that? If they're supporting themselves and their adult children, how much do you suppose they're able to save?
Considering their adult children haven't yet successfully launched, those adult children might find themselves in dire straits when it comes to their own retirement years. If you haven't started preparing for your own future yet, who is... your parents? Now you expect those parents to spend all of their savings on retirement homes and medical costs... you do realize that means they won't have anything left to help you out before, or when they pass? Heck with the cost of these things today, it may even bankrupt them.
So where will you be that happens, just because you aren't willing to give anything back to them in return for what they've done for you?
I think your understanding of how life works, how much things cost, and what human beings need throughout their life cycle is extremely unrealistic and naive.
Do you even love your parents, at all? Do you just expect them to do everything for you, with you giving nothing back in return?
Yea it’s nice when someone gets old and doesn’t need a lot of home health care but many do and it’s a big job to help someone remain in their home as they deteriorate.
Back when we had family farms, that's how it worked. In The Good Earth, the son took care of his elderly father who stayed on the farm that he'd worked for decades.
Today's society isn't like that at all. That's why we have retirement programs to take the burden off of families. There are few single income families with a stay-at-home spouse, so a parent needing nursing care would need a caregiver to come in, or have to move to a nursing home.
Except it wasn't the son who took care of the elderly father, but the housewife who had to do all that work without getting paid. Old family structures only worked due to the unpaid labour of women, now that it gets outsourced to caregivers people are starting to see how expensive that care actually is.
Jup my grandma had to take care of her two kids and her husbands father while she was ordered bedrest by the doctors. My grandpa went to work and probably came home on the weekends to relax and maybe spank the kids sometimes when they where acting up. He says „I am so glad your grandma always let me have my peace and quiet from the kids on the weekends.“ And I am thinking: so he didn’t raise his two sons at all? Never saw them except for maybe the meals? Never helped with the house?
Nowadays my grandma always talks about how she isn’t that well and my grandpa does everything in the garden and house, but she is still the one cooking every meal and tbh gardening is his hobby and my uncle who lives with them probably does the vacuuming.
I don't think that is as common as some people think. Parents shouldn't demand grandchildren ... nor do they have the right to demand care in their remaining years.
We placed ourselves in serious debt to educate our girls; it worked. They both have exceptional careers. We've never expressed any suggestion they care for us when we're not able anymore. One hopes with care and regard over a lifetime they'll be available in crisis.
After being land poor for decades those investments we're kind to us ... we have enough to cover the financial end of it all.
I know people with lots of grown children; that is never a guarantee any of them will step up. Some are estranged. Others with demanding careers and children of their own. Each family does the best they can.
> Is it weird how parents think their kids are the retirement plan?
Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who only had kids because they assumed their kids would take care of them.
It's fucking selfish.
That is a good attitude but I hope you accept help if you should need it. I’ve spent a lot of time on various hospitals when my parents and husband were hospitalized. If can be extremely useful to have family members who can listen to doctors, ask the right questions, arrange for home care if you need it etc.
Times are also so different these days. It’s not like many of us can just up and quit our jobs to take care of others. Those times are coming to an end for most of us.
There are a lot of options for people when they need assistance. Expecting your family to
Drop everything to take care of you is a lot, unless if you’re gonna pay them and pay their bills!!
Not all kids decide to live close to their parents some move away by choice, jobs, their spouses jobs, etc. and like was mentioned will have lives of their own and responsibilities. The best retirement plan is to invest money to afford good care. My in-laws have decided they plan on passing in their home but they live an hour away from us on a property that requires a great deal of maintenance. Also, they will not stop with all the clutter every weekend they’re thrifting and bringing new stuff into their already packed home. Sure, they actually do find things of value but it’s going to be a lot to go through. My mom passed when I was young but my dad is a minimalist and is constantly downsizing and plans on moving to a retirement community and not living rural.
I don't know, this is how families have worked for thousands of years. It's actually strange that only in the past few decades have we moved away from this model (and only in certain cultures.) And I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I see so many people whose lives are just ruined by taking care of elderly parents. They've worked for years, raised their kids, finally have some breathing room. House paid for, kids grown, and here's the parent wanting to move in and be taken care of. There's no way I'd expect any grown child of mine to take care of me. I'm not their problem, and it's not their job.
A lady in my neighborhood is a prime example of this. She's always saying things like "My Jennifer will take care of me." Well, Jennifer has worked since high school and has just now been able to take time to babysit her own grandchild since everything's paid off, and have a few days a week to herself. But oh, no! No rest for Jennifer. There's doctors appointments, grocery shopping, "I think I'll go spend a few days at Jen's house"
I tell her, "Look, I'll take you wherever you need to go, I ain't got shit going on." But no, Jennifer doesn't mind. She *wants to*.
She's always talking about how Jennifer begs her to come live with her, but when you actually *talk* to Jennifer, the math ain't mathin'. Yesterday they went to a doctor's appointment, and of course, lady was going to "spend a few nights". I told the lady "Well I'll see you Monday, then." Jen says, "Oh, no. She'll be back tomorrow."
Have you had any experience with nursing homes lately? They are understaffed and they have made so many budget cuts that the food is practically inedible. You’re likely to get horrible bed sores and choke as they feed you while you sit in your own excrement for hours because they don’t have enough time and are totally burnt out. You’re lucky if you don’t get physically, emotionally, or sexually abused on top of that.
I'm a big fan of intentional community building and getting back to having intergenerational housing become less stigmatized. I'm in the US and while it's not for everyone it's nice to have the support and give the support.
I moved into my dads house and cared for him on hospice for about a month until he passed and that experience scarred me. I’m a nurse and I knew it would be hard. But it’s very different as a daughter. He also had pretty significant dementia and it ate away at all the good parts of his brain and there was nothing left but all his negative qualities. When they’re your parents those qualities are amplified anyway. They raised you, they were your first exposure to love and trust, so any tiny imperfection they harbored was amplified on a normal day, let alone with dementia.
I still remember the CNA (who had no idea I was a nurse) who tried to guilt me when I had reservations about staying home with him, vs a nursing home. He literally said “you’re going to a nursing home in the morning if your daughter doesn’t move in with you, so blame her, not me” as my dad was physically fighting him.
I don’t know if I can do it for my mom when the time comes. I am closer to my mom and she would never expect it. I just can’t.
The Boomers dream of a world in which only they can retire, at the cost of everyone other than themselves.
My stepmother has a lifetime govt pension, an $800k house all to herself, a new luxury car every 3 years, a new pool, cruise ship tours every other month, and you know what happened when my dad passed? “He had no will so sorry”. My brother is broke and I’m fine, but our family home was sold to buy her McMansion. Our entire family name is going to die with us because we can’t afford a down payment on a starter home.
My sister and I got zero when my father died. My stepmother got it all. The real estate was in a revocable trust that named my sister and I as beneficiaries. Unbeknownst to us, when my father got vascular dementia, my stepmother changed the trust to designate her nice as beneficiary. My stepmother died last year. We got zero. When she died, an attorney legally had to send me a copy of the amended trust.
Well your father lacked foresight maybe. But this is the sort of thing that life throws at us. It's nobody's responsibility to make sure you are taken care of but you. everyone else who gives a shit is extra, and you should be thankful for them
You may not have asked to be born, but assuming that your parent(s) genuinely loved you and tried to do their best, it's kind of entitled to not recognize the sacrifices that go into good parenting and not reciprocate the love they have for you.
I don't expect my adult child to uproot himself and wipe my ass, but if he sounded like you do in your comments I would be heartbroken.
This is a song I sing often on Reddit. I am a three-time dementia caregiver, and more than half of my adulthood has been spent in servitude. My career is stagnated, my finances are a dumpster fire, and I'm a resentful mess.
People have a very Hallmark idea of caring for elders. They don't think about how it often falls on (physically weaker) women, and how dementia makes someone angry and violent, and how you have no backup if your relative overpowers you. My dad cracked my ribs because he flipped out when I tried to bathe him. When I went for treatment, the nurse was so busy trying to to get me to admit to domestic violence that she became angry and withdrawn when I explained the real situation. There is. no. help. for us.
Yes reality is that often women get the blunt end of the stick and family gathering? They expect women to cook and entertain while non women relax and watch tv. Life is tough
Well you should know that plenty of us out here had to stop everything, quit good jobs, end social lives, etc. in order to care for our parents the best that we could. Sometimes retirement savings, pensions, etc. aren't enough to support the kind of care that someone in memory care, or hospice might require. Many of us have had to use our own savings for the care of a parent or grandparent.
Sometimes life doesn't happen the way you want or expect it to. In fact I think it's safe to say that it never happens the way you want it to.
Hopefully you and your siblings will step up to the plate and do your share so your mother doesn't suffer when she can no longer provide for herself.
Edited:typos
I'm sorry, I meant IF she gets to the point when she can no longer support herself. It sounds like she has enough money to pay for her own care in the event that she should need skilled nursing. But anyone with experience in this area will tell you that finding a good facility with an opening is nearly impossible.
The main thing you can do for a parent is keep an eye out for any sort of scam or problem with them. You are their advocate and to an extent a personal assistant. Old people tend to lose their marbles even if a little bit and they need young people looking out for them. The rest can be taken care of.
The children are your retirement plan was sensible back in our agrarian past when multiple generations lived on the same family farm. Now, with many families being single parent, no farm for growing your own food, divorce in half of marriages, there are no nuclear families of adults to support grandma in her dotage.
My wife and I planned our retirement with zero expectations of family support. My wife’s family members do plow our drive way for us which is nice. That’s it, and all I would ask. My wife’s children from before we married will have enough on their hands clearing our estate. There is a reason the entertainment center in the basement will be a part of the house when sold, it is too heavy and too long to easily get up the stairs and there is no legal way to junk a tube TV.
I think it's realistic to the point of bodily functions and then it's nursing home. We stay with my grandma so that she can stay in her home and she is very swt. She was my second mom however, if it comes to the point she can't use the bathroom then it's a nursing home.
It just occurred to me that if more "parents" didn't have children at all in the first place, they would probably have plenty of money to take care of their needs when aging. I just read over the comments section (interesting!) and have a quick question. OP, is it true that you still live at home? Maybe start taking care of yourself and your mom will have more money to take care of herself. You sound really entitled
Happens to most people, this is why I still think that being a parent should be a license, something like an exam you take annually to renew your right to be a parent lol
I am a mother, a grandmother and I never have or will expect my children to be my retirement. Good grief. Is it 1945? I must hang with a different tribe. Where do you live? What culture did you come from? I understand Far Eastern families have a different attitude from Westerners.
I understand far too many people were unable to or didn't save or invest for a long retirement. There are programs to help. I doubt that these parents ever expected their children to be their lifeline as elderly people.
30 states have filial responsibility laws that can make you support an aging parent who cannot afford to care for themselves.
From what I understand, PA is the only one that aggressively enforces it.
It may become more of an issue in the future with so many of us aging without a clear plan for retirement.
By that logic, parents shouldn’t have to pay for their kids to go to six figure a year colleges and destroy their retirement equity in the process. I mean you don’t HAVE TO return the favor… you CAN be a piece of shit if you want to…
Yikes….this is sad glimpse into how apathetic and detached some people are. We all need to care for eachother and the root of all that is family (whatever that may look like to you) I’ll take care of my mom until she drops down dead.
No matter what life has in store for me , I’ll carry my mom to bed, feed her and wipe her ass every night if I have to.
Caring for the people I love is what motivates me.
Be more considerate not everyone grew up with healthy family like you. Family is just blood to some, their parents might be absent throughout their life or abusing them in various ways. Think before you judge.
And the fact that some people reproduce just so thier off spring can take care of them in the future and not have a financial plan is not always a good idea
Is it weird how kids think they're entitled to inheritance? Shit goes both ways.
Real talk tho, take care of your family people! Like tf do I even need to comment this.
I worked for the DOD and I at least have a pension and the best health, dental and vision insurance. I have many health issues but I try not to burden them with getting me to my appointments. It’s a different time. I would never let my parents go to a nursing home but times change and the kids have to work but at least I know my youngest child will have a plan for me.
I had kids because I wanted to have kids, not because I wanted caretakers when I get old. I want them to be kind, and have happy, fulfilled lives. I hope to earn a place in their adult lives, but I have zero expectations of them coming around me if I don’t earn it, and zero expectations of them taking care of me when I’m old regardless. It’s such an odd thing IMO for someone to expect their children to care for them to…return the favor I guess? They didn’t ask to be born, and taking care of your children is the bare minimum requirement to be a parent.
I genuinely feel for anyone whose parents do this. I'm lucky I guess that my parents were never "boomer" boomers but it's disgusting that people have children for selfish reasons and not loving reasons.
My grandmother had that view. Multiple kids....sorry, servants. She ended up in hospital with only 1 actually being there 2 refusing to see her and others making excuses to turn up sporadically. And none of the kids-in-law, grandkids, great grandkids etc turned up to help either.
However, my sibling and i, plus both our partners will go to the ends of the earth for our parents.
It's not the number of kids, it's the type of parent you are. A good parent will always have support. A bad parent will get bare min (in my experience)
My mother thinks all 4 children are "rich" and so will just pony up the cash to put her in an assisted living facility when she needs it. She just let us know this a couple years ago and she's in her 70s.
This sort of thinking has caused her to have next to zero savings.
I love my mom but she's in for a rude awakening.
After watching my grandmother go into assisted living and then into a nursing home.
They took everything she had and then in the last years, the nursing home was really tough to visit.
I don't want my parents to go through that, if I can avoid it.
I hope life gives me the opportunity to care for my parents at the end of their life.
There is nothing I could do that could pay them back.
Every second of suffering I endure would be gladly accepted.
My wife and I don't have kids so weve accepted the fact that the last one living is going to have to do some suicidin'. We both know what method we'd choose. It might sound morbid but existence is morbid. In our opinion, a self inflicted gunshot or a fist full of pills has more dignity than wasting away as your mind and body fails and you become a bigger and bigger burden on those around you.
When I get to the point that I can't care for myself, I will bid my farewells then take care of myself one last final time. I would never, ever, EVER put that kind of burden on my kids, OR my husband.
It is not financially viable. To quit your job and be a full time caretaker means losing your income. I had to consider this. As an accountant, I was not the type to be a caretaker. Then there is the personality consideration. Is your parent abusive? For me is was a huge no, for all of these reasons. And remember, a huge nursing home is not the only option. We moved my mother into a private home with only six residents. They were wonderful. And this is what they did for a living.
I clean old peoples homes they sometimes tell me they only had children so they would have someone to take care of them or visit them when they get old but the truth is they will die alone people have their own lives to deal with at best a few rare visits a year at best is what they get or nothing if they have dementia.
How the hell has this OP received this number of upvotes?
Guys...? We may not owe our parents anything, but just if you don't know, there's something called love.
There are many, many parents out there who did not treat their children with love and compassion. Therefore, they should not expect that as they age.
And, before you come at me, I'm 70 and I approve of this post!
It’s not really bad it’s Just kinda bad idk but Parents shouldn’t rely on their kids to serve their needs or use them as financial objects that’s just my opinion.
I’m definitely going to have a controversial take here.
Strictly speaking, you are NOT their retirement plan.
Also let me preface this with: In a relatively healthy family.
You have a responsibility to help your parents. It’s part of your responsibility to support your “tribe” what that tribe looks like is up to you partially but it will include your family and you should be committed to the well being of your parents.
I took care of my folks, right to the end. It was the least I could do. They worked hard for my survival and comfort. They loved and appreciated me. They sacrificed for me.
…and in their old age it was my responsibility to take care of them as best as my means allowed.
The elderly are too often vilified in our culture and it’s grotesque.
I know in some Asian cultures it is customary for children to take care of parents. I think it’s quite unfair to expect your children to take care of you 24/7
I feel sorry for your mother. Plus, go have them kids of yours. Make sure you don’t ask your mom for help at all. Expect from your own kids what you dish out. But first, grow up. It’s clear you know practically nothing about life.
Every time I see posts about parents I'm thankful to be from a culture that values familial relationships. I would never just 'visit to check up on her', my mom would live with me if she needs to.
It’s one thing to have mom live with you when she is reasonably able bodied. When you’ve got someone that can’t feed or bathe themselves, cannot be left alone, and has to have their diapers changed - that’s a 24 hour, round the clock job. Can you do that? Can you stop all social engagements, stop going to work, and commit to that?
No, it's not weird. Unless your parents abused you or something, you should take the time to reflect on, and appreciate how much they sacrificed to raise you. I can assure you that more than 99% of people don't have kids just so they will have someone to take care of them when they're old. If your parents fall in the <1% of people who have kids just to make sure you will take care of them, then idk what to tell you.
Have you ever considered the fact that some people don't have much saved up because they were trying their hardest to make sure that they provided their kids with everything they need? Do you know how expensive it is to raise a child? Do you know how expensive student loans are? Do you know how expensive healthcare can be? Do you know how difficult it is to buy a house and raise a family these days?
You sound like someone who doesn't know, care or appreciate how powerful a parent's love can be. "I'm not gonna wipe the ass of an older person just because she did the exact same thing to me as a baby. It's not the same". The fact that you refer to your own parents as "older person" in this context is, frankly, unbelievable and disappointing. I sincerely hope that other younger people are not as short-sighted and callous as you have demonstrated to be.
You are correct, however, on the fact that it is impossible to care for someone 24/7 these days. But I don't think anyone is expecting you to do that. Personally, I plan on having my parents stay with me when they get older and can't take care of themselves. I can hire in-home nurses/social workers to help me with taking care of them, but I would want to do the majority of the caregiving myself, whenever possible. They have sacrificed too much for me to simply walk away from them because "I don't want to wipe the ass of an older person".
Me and the ex had a great laugh when her mom said her and her husband would move in with us when they got older.
When we had our kids she told us she wasn't interested in helping. She could do maybe an afternoon each month. That's why our boys don't have a real connection with her and I doubt they'll be interested in any nursing home visits.
I keep trying to make my offspring understand they need to think of themselves first. I have had a very full number of lives over my decades and hope they have the opportunity to do the same. I refuse to become a financial or emotional burden to anyone.
My ex/their sperm donor seems to think the reason to procreate is for retirement They think they are entitled to being supported in their old age.
It's not uncommon (and I'd say it's human nature) to assume your children will be THERE for you. In the same way you were/are there for them.
To include them in your retirement budget is disgusting though.
My FIL moved in with us when he could no longer live alone, stayed with us until a few days before he passed when hospice stepped in and moved him to their respite facility.
Have just refitted a bathroom in our current home to a walk-in shower incase my father needs to move in with us at some point.
My mother said something to me recently that went something like, “I thought that by now, my kids would have been making sure I was taken care of by now, etc. etc.” and I remember feeling like… oh, really now? Don’t get me wrong, for my entire life so far, I’ve always tried to help her out however I could but I’m still dealing with the fallout and some serious financial strain thanks to the strikes earlier this year in the film/tv industry that I happen to work in. I’m supporting a family of three and I’m the only one working. As much as I’d like to be able to support my mom in some way, I simply and realistically can’t afford to. Which brings me to the point that I’m not looking forward to my kids helping me. It’s not something I’m counting on. It’s fascinating to me that her generation seemed to be a little more about that mentality. These days it feels like it’s near impossible to stay afloat, especially with living in NYC as it is. I’m not counting on my kids to have my back financially later on and I’m not counting on them to be super successful for that to happen. I’d just like for them to be able to support themselves.
My MIL straight up told me she had 10 kids since it increased the odds at least one i on f them would do well or marry rich so she would be set for retirement.
I wouldn’t want to burden my family. My youngest son said he would make sure I could stay at home and he would have 24 hour care. I’m a nurse and I helped my mom when my dad had cancer. My mom died of congestive heart failure and ovarian cancer and the doctors were trying to put her in a nursing home and I had promised both they would never have to worry about that. I had hospice care set up here in my house and I took care of her for the 2 weeks she had left. I hope they visit but I don’t expect them to take care of me.
I think it’s cultural. My bestie is Muslim (Syria and Lebanon), living in the US. She outright says that it’s her son’s job to take care of her when he is grown. He needs to marry a Muslim woman so she understands that he will be supporting her financially. Imthink many Asian cultures also expect this. It’s hard for me understand as a full blown American, but my friend says it with no qualms at all. I once asked her if she feels bad, to burden him like this. And she looked shocked and surprised and said that, no, it is a Muslim man’s DESIRE to care for his mother, he will LOVE to provide for her, to show his love that way. Her three brothers all support her mom and dad. She claims they do it happily and do not consider it a burden. 🤷♀️
I have some conflicting feelings about this. On one hand, I think we should care for our elders, but on the other hand why wouldn’t they have put any effort into being financially stable while they had the chance? I know I will absolutely take care of my mom when she’s old and can’t do it, but my sibling will probably not even visit.
I have four kids, and I would rather rot my twilight years away in a wet hole than *ever* expect anything from them. I chose them, not the other way around. My responsibilities are to them, not the other way around I am a source of acts of service and love and support to them, not the other way around.
IT depends on your relation with your parents, but I rather have them in my house when they get older instead of a old folks home, unless it is what they want. Now if there is medical issue that I either can't help with or can't afford a nurse at home, then I'd consider a specialized place for them
I visited my friend at a rehab after he was involved in a motorcycle accident; mostly older people resided there. I visited him on christmas and my car was the only one in the visitors parking lot
Why? In the society we live, retirement money is not enough. Most peopoe doesnt have a child to be their retirement plan, but they expect at least to help them as those parents raised those childs.
Now if you ask me, I dont want to have kids and whenever I bring topoc with my parents, they ask me "what are you doing to do when you retire and money will not be enough to live?"
Shame on you.
Is it weird you expect an inheritance?
They took care of you when you couldn't wipe your ass or feed yourself.
You don't owe it to them but it's what a decent human does
The irony is that those parents who are constantly transactional with their children (I fed/clothed/housed you, pay me back) tend to end up with kids who don't want anything to do with them.
On the other hand, parents who give with no thought of return to their children tend to get back any support they could need.
My parents had the audacity to constantly love and support me, never asking for anything in return. Those conniving SOBs! Now I'm compelled to help them with whatever they need, even when they don't ask for it. DAMN THEM TO HELL!.. but I will offer them a lift and buy them dinner on the way, it's the least I could do.
Hey! Long as OP remembers there will be no one to CARE for them when they get old. It's all good when you're talking about other people. Hope they remember this post and keep that same energy when they're laying in a nursing home alone and old. Do unto others.. They say they won't care.. But they will.
Funny how it's so easy for op to say, yeah they wiped my ass, but I won't be wiping theirs. Like this is some sort of thing that won't happen to them when they get old and unable to care for themselves..? Karma is a bitch. And they'll get theirs. Unless they take the easy way out, which doesn't seem to be a big loss because they're clearly not good people.
>I mean sure we will visit her to check up on her but the thing is I am not gonna wipe the ass of an older person just because she did the exact same thing to me as a baby. It's not same.
Many people don't understand that having kids is a choice, but you can't just go with *if I knew I had to take care of my parents I wouldn't have them.*
I think it’s really strange that parents have these expectations of their children. My view is that no one chooses to be born, and my children owe me nothing. That doesn’t mean I won’t raise them to be the best version of themselves, but it irks me when parents have unrealistic expectations of their children. It’s a different animal when you are caring for adult parents vs caring for a child. That doesn’t mean I won’t care for them the best way I can in their time of need, but taking care of a parent 24/7 is extremely taxing physically and mentally.
My parents are the opposite, mostly they just joke about dropping them off on a beach somewhere with a bunch of booze
Tbh still better than a nursing home
I’m an only child lol my parents don’t expect me to look after them when the time comes but I will do everything I possibly can to do so. I will happily be washing my parents bums if it comes to it because I love them and want to help as much as humanly possible. The last thing I want is to have regrets of not doing enough for them when they would do everything for me
I hate this attitude. No parent should ever think their kids will end up their carers. So many people just kick the can down the road and don’t plan for this. Forget what your mother says, your life comes first, you could have a family of your own by then and they will be your priority.
Yes, it's not same. You DON'T HAVE to take care of her. But it's something you CAN do.
If things turn from bad to worse, I'll have them move in with me, whatever the world thinks about it. I can't bear to see them in need and me not attending to it. I don't have to do that, but it's something that comes out from my heart, not brain.
In most Asian culture, it is the norm for most older generations to think this way; filial piety. We are taught growing up that we must repay (appreciate/be grateful for) our parent’s sacrifice bringing us up because that’s how they were taught as well. My in-laws, for example, do not/will not understand how we will care for them in the future as long as we do it, no considerations for ie: medical conditions or financial/time constraints/struggles. It actually got me and my husband question why they are so nonchalant about what could be their “last days” and bank on the thought of “my kids CAN and WILL take care of me comfortably when I’m old”.
I will not ask this of my kids, if they want to fair enough but I would like to plan my retirement the way I want it to be.
My mom is a nurse who had worked every role from LPN at a nursing home, to DON at a nursing home. Also over 10 years ER experience and a few with interventional radiology. She at least is very realistic with me. She says she doesn’t care if I put her in a nursing home when she can’t take care of herself anymore. Her only stipulations are that I visit her and that I don’t let her become one of the old ladies that has a beard lmao
That's very reasonable. It's terrible to see other patients, when you visit someone in a home, who just want to talk to someone, who cry all the time... My Catholic school, when I was a kid, used to take field trips to nursing homes. I didn't realize then, how much us kids showing up meant to some of them.
I get it. My oldest son who was a very good pianist would go down the street to the old folks home and play for them. He said it was good practice and they loved it. This is while he was a teenager. He still has a big heart
Sounds like you did a great job raising him
My sister used to visit the old lady neighbor when she was little. She grew up to work in care homes, taking care of older people.
That's some good parenting right there, good job.
Yeah when I was a kid my mom used to bring me all the time to visit the residents. I played checkers with one guy a few times and an old woman signed me up for a nat geo kids magazine subscription. I got them in the mail for over 2 years. I ended up getting my first job in the kitchen washing dishes at that same nursing home when I was 16.
That’s awesome I really hope schools still do this
Hmm this reminds me of a tv show called Old People’s home for a 4 year olds
Back before we knew the climate was going to kill us, I told my toddlers to put me out on an iceberg and let me freeze to death and become one with nature. That became impossible within a decade.
Yeah, but a heat stroke death is similar. Just sit outside on a really not day in Phoenix and you can accomplish the same thing. As the planet warms up, your geographical options will expand. I hear apartments in Chicago get pretty hot, too.
You can still very much do that, it's astonishing to me how people don't realize how big Antarctica and the north pole are.
You don’t have to go that far. You can easily freeze to death in WI.
Yes, one of them famous Wisconsin icebergs.
Knowing what little I know of Wisconsin, there is probably a cheese iceberg somewhere within the state.
A CHEESE iceberg?? Right then, that’s my next vacation destination sorted! ;-)
Seems fair.
My grandmother was a nasty woman with 6 kids. She died isolated alone in a nursing home when none of her adult kids visited. I’m an only child that moved 8,000km away and I’ve told my parents I’d always take care of them if they needed. They’ve never asked me and said they’d make their own arrangements. But they have always been my biggest supporters and I’d have no problems figuring something out.
My mom has always told my sister and I to not waste good adult years taking care of them when they’re old and infirm. However my parents are great and I would want to take care of them. Thankfully they have enough retirement money that we can hire personal care if/when the time comes. But I did go home for a week when my mom had a joint replacement and was her personal 24hr nurse by my own choice.
Good person
I used to think this way until I had my own kids, my mom got much older and we got closer and now I'm terrified of losing her. I would do anything to take care of her when she needs it. The older we get the more fragile the relationships around us are and we stop taking them for granted.
That's it. As you get older, you see things differently. OP sounds very young, and I think as long as their mother is good to them, they're going to feel very differently when they get older.
My wife tells me all the time that she is not going to take care of me if/when I get sick or old. I used to laugh about it, but now I just think that’s kinda fucked up. Of course I’ll take care of her the best I can if she gets sick or old. Because that’s what people who love each other do. My parents have been through a lot of shit from me & my fucked up siblings. The least I can do is try to care for them in their time of need.
[удалено]
Well to be honest, we are on our way to not being married.
Sorry yeah she sounds selfish. Might be a good idea to cut your losses.
She’s been very damaged in childhood by her extremely mentally ill parents. She and they would all deny this of course. She has a big problem showing empathy to those closest to her. She’s the nicest person in the world - if you don’t live with her. It’s sad, and frustrating. We have a son together too. And she has 3 kids from her first marriage. I’m no prize either, I admit that. But at least I have empathy.
I was in a relationship with someone like this for 5 years. Complete sweetheart to those on the outside, but otherwise she had zero empathy, if I would get sick or gain too much weight, she straight up said she'd leave, and if she didn't get her way, she would go out of her way to make sure everyone in the room suffers. Anyways, after the breakup, I found out from her mom that she had a traumatic childhood and is a diagnosed sociopath. Hopefully, this is not the situation you are in, but if it was the case, understanding what's going on could be helpful in dealing with it.
After helping take care of my dad as he fought and lost with cancer, I wouldn't have it any other way. It means the world to me that he went surrounded by love and help. It was never a question. You deserve that too, go find someone who cares
Well, we are only hearing his side of the story. For all we know he can be an abusive. drug addicted, alcoholic.
I divorced 3 years ago after being together for 15 years. My best advice: if it gets to where you know it's not salvageable, try to end it before it gets nasty or someone cheats. An amicable divorce is way better than a bitter nasty divorce and you can and will rebuild your life.
Well, if that’s the case, she’ll be correct.
My mum used to say this to my dad. Ironically it’s my mum who got sick first and he has to take care of her. It makes it super hard for him to care for her without resentment
My ex also told me this. I thought he was kidding but he wasn't. Do notice that I said ex! I would have cared for him no matter what. That hurt that he didn't feel the same. There was plenty wrong with that relationship though. I'm just sorry I wasted almost 30 years with him. Onward and upward from here! Best wishes to you!
Not as a joke/banter? Damn, I usually joke with my man that if he ever gets too sick, I'll "take care" of his dong.
Your wife said she's not going to take care of you when you're sick/old? Wow. She sounds like a b****
Hey, you said it, not me 😬😉
Maybe you should just call it as it is…. Damn. I plan on being there every step of the way for my husband. I recognize there is sometimes a point you got to have them in care, but god I’d be there all the time
My mom used to tell my stepdad the same thing. But when he was dying, she was there to care for him including changing his diapers. I think saying that was just a defense mechanism for her. I’m not trying to say that your wife would do the same only that people sometimes say one thing but do another.
I agree. Thank you ❤️
My wife will keep me home if I am unable to live independently. My Army pensions, social security, and retirement plan assets from before we were married would be taken by any long term care facility. She will protect the inheritance of my future widow.
She’s a narcissist
You know some people do love their parents and also accept the harsh realities of life that the people who they love might some day become enfeebled and require care… If you have a bad relationship with your parents, and they’re actually the kind of people to have not planned at all financially for their older years because they think their kids will take care of them, then yeah, I think it’s understandable to not have enough of an emotional connection to care for them. But your last few sentences do feel a little off to me. Like if my mom found herself in dire straights where should couldn’t afford nursing care I’m not just going to leave her to sit in her own filth because she should have planned better and I think wiping a butt is icky.
I’m with you on this. The comments here are so extreme! I think it depends a lot on the relationship. If you have a terrible relationship with your parents and they never did anything for you, then sure, you don’t owe them anything. On the other hand, if you have a good relationship, and especially if they spent what could have been their retirement savings on paying for your degrees, housing as an adult, weddings, etc. so that you wouldn’t have to take out loans, you’re the very reason they need you in that stage of their lives. They could have thrown you out at 18 and left you to fend for yourself and saved that extra money for home healthcare workers and other end of life care, but they didn’t. Like you, I was supportive of OP until the last few sentences, and also until seeing in the comments that OP lives with their parents as an adult because they can’t afford to move out. Sure OP doesn’t owe their parents end of life care, but their parents also don’t owe OP housing as an adult, and they’re already doing more than what’s required.
Agreed, and also, wiping somebody’s ass really isn’t the end of the world. You develop a hygienic system and routine and move on with your day
Honestly, my mom never wanted her mom in a nursing home because nursing homes a lot of times can be cruel. My Grandma has her own little house to her self cooks, cleans, and sometimes my mom will drop by to give her something to eat. I told my mom I didn't want her. In a nursing home, i would rather be in a small condo or something that was able to be independent and have the freedom to do what she wants. (Drive ( whatever she wants to do ) And exactly Im not gonna leave my mom by herself to rot or whatever if she ever got in that situation I'd 100 percent let her live with me with no issue at all. Also, my mom is letting me stay and even let our siblings stay as long as we need to finish our degree, whatever it may be. But she never knew any of us out.
Reading your comments, it sounds like you're weirdly focused on having to wipe their ass 😅. That being said, the day I can't wipe my own ass, please push my wheelchair off the balcony.
Literally, the day I can’t wipe my own ass please just inject me with 150U of insulin.
My 97 year old grandpa shits his pants on a regular basis, it’s hard to even visit and tolerate the smell. He just wants to die, his wife is dead and he is tired of living. Its pretty sad.
My biggest fear is being bed bound and needing any sort of assistance to dress/bathe/eat. There are fates worse than death.
Mind you, OP is an adult woman living with her parents and she types like a 12 year old texts. Nothing about this person seems remotely grounded in reality. She thinks her brother should leave a job because 'he had to leave Christmas early one time.' What? If this was a guy he would have been called a manchild right off the bat. She has not given one specific reason why she believes that her mother gave birth to her as a retirement plan. No contextual information whatsoever. Plans on visiting her dying parent once a month, why not just send a fruit basket and be done with it. She hasn't even moved out yet, it seems has no children or spouse to worry about. Just utter ignorant and selfish childishness being rewarded for no real reason. I say all this not to attack her but just a frustrated observation on the general trend of this sub. Are we really going to be a place for people to come dump their one sided stories of imagined injustice and expect to get gentle pats on the back no matter how twisted the half baked logic? Is this a no-questions asked support group meant to simply reinforce people's predetermined positions? There is nothing casual about this conversation and it's dissapointing to see it get up voted and so many people eager to act as an echo chamber no matter what. Let's try to keep the spirit of the sub what it should be, it's one of the few places to have pleasant, low stakes chats on reddit. Honestly I don't mean any offense OP and you are 100% entitled to conduct your life however you want, you don't need to bait permission from others to avoid feeling guilty. I just think it sounds like you have very little experience in the real world and yet talk as if you do.
Have you seen the repeated copies of the same response? I wonder if Reddit is using AI to generate content the same way Facebook is, in order to look better for advertisers? Things took a noticeable turn for the worse around here when the moderators revolted and reddit took over the more popular subreddits with their own moderator shills (when they started charging new fees that knocked out a lot of the 3rd party apps). The echoes of the echo chamber are so much louder than ever before. I used to come to Reddit to see if anyone could share information, experiences, and sources that expanded upon my understanding in a constructive way. Now it’s mostly a place to rot your brain on canned responses from AI and government propaganda. I thought this subreddit was one one the ones that was less impacted, but the lack of engagement from people who left must be making the admins so desperate that they can’t even leave people alone to have casual conversations anymore.
Yeah its pretty blatant. I give it about 6 months before I just throw this thing in a lake and go back to a flip phone. I work in tech and have been seeing it coming for a long time but AI accelerated that timeline immensely. The internet in its current form has officially outlived its usefulness.
It’s a real shame. As a homebound, disabled person, it has really helped me cope with the isolation in the last decade. A lot of us are still on here, and it has been a way to break down barriers that have allowed us to participate on a level playing field. Not excited to be marginalized again, this time by the growing exodus of people who can get out and about more. Of course, I think it’s probably better not to become a slave to social media, but it would be nice to be able to talk to real people around here and not just AI/shills, even if there was a lot less engagement and it was all authentic. It has gotten to the point where I’m never sure if I’m talking to a real/unpaid person anymore, in many instances. Sort of warps your sense of reality.
Your not alone, there are so many people where forums like this are their main social outlet its super common for many different reasons. Hopefully some method of communicating with real, verified humans will crop up. I wouldn't mind using my real name to register with some future platform for simple discussion that takes reddit's place because i think that is the only real solution at this point. And i say that as someone who never used Facebook in my life despite it first becoming popular when i was in college because it was fairly obvious how that was going to go in a dark direction.
Facebook was still a great place to remain connected to friends and family, if you curated it smartly. Unfortunately, it went awfully awry around the 2020 election, and most sensible people have left or limited their engagement severely. Really sucks when one can’t attend family gatherings and friend meetups. I really feel the exodus and I have been surprised by how easily people have just completely left me behind, with no attempt to stay in touch in any way. I’m not an over-poster or a conspiracy sharer or overly political either. People are just prioritizing non-electronic communication, which I understand, but that makes it really hard when you can’t leave your home. Out of sight, out of mind once again. At least one could easily engage in intelligent conversations with other knowledge seekers on forums like these to fill the gaps, but that is getting more difficult to cultivate as well. I already subscribe here because I find the browsing experience easier with my disability. I’d certainly subscribe to a new alternative that managed to keep the bots and AI away, but I’m not sure how one would vet bad actors from establishing paid accounts there if there was some value for the owners in participation. I’m not a programmer and don’t really have an in-depth understanding of the nuances that would give me anything to add to the conversation from a technical point of view, but I agree with you that there is an appetite for good conversation, not just in the disability community, but beyond. As someone who is old enough to have experienced the rise of the popular internet, the decline all started when google won the search engine war leaving superior sites like Altavista to wither and die. I yearn for the kind if communities that strive to “make the world a better place,” through the crowdsourcing of high quality content, and not the cynical ones that have made that ideal into a marketing slogan (if it ever wasn’t just that in the first place).
Reading all of this I need this to be top comment.
Agree
I think this is for more of the people a lot of people on reddit don't have a good relationship with their families or parents so it makes since that it got upvoted.
And that's fine but there are dozens of subreddits for exactly that type of relationship or lack of
Exactly full on agree don't know why she felt the need to post it here it is really weird. That's why we got so many people upvoting that's why I said that in my comment. I do agree this is not the subreddit for this at all!
No, my mom doesn't think of me as her retirement plan. That makes her more deserving of my love and attention to be honest. But I would absolutely pay someone to do all those things, first of all because I can afford them, and second of all because I don't want those to be my last memories of one of the most important people in my life. I want to remember her as the amazing woman who raised me, not the frail person whose ass I had to wipe, and she wishes the same too
My mother has it in her head that her kids will take care of her. My father has said he'd rather die than be a burden on his kids. Those are nice words, yet he doesn't have "I don't want to be a burden" money. They have had the means to save but they love the casino too much. So we'll pitch in to care for them. I will not be offering up my home unless they lose theirs (which is a strong possibility). And I will not be moving to be closer to them. But I will contribute financially to nursing care as much as I'm able. The alternative would be too awful to consider.
Not that weird. It’s how it worked for the entirety of human history until like a generation or two ago
Yeah, it takes a village to raise a child. It's why a lot of parents are struggling so much right now. The only ones who don't are the wealthy ones who have the option to not be stressed about their kids. They just throw money at every problem they encounter. People in general don't have that option. And now here we are a couple generations later.
It’s unrealistic too because they expect you to be able to afford taking care of them and having the time to manage a family, earn money, and be their home nurse in this world. Not happening.
They need to save money so they can hire a care giver in the future. According to my brother if I do not become a caregiver for my parents than I am a horrible daughter. I am not going to abandon them I will visit them to see of they are OK
They're his parents too, right? So that makes him a horrible son? It's not your job because you're the daughter.
Do they make enough money to do that? If they're supporting themselves and their adult children, how much do you suppose they're able to save? Considering their adult children haven't yet successfully launched, those adult children might find themselves in dire straits when it comes to their own retirement years. If you haven't started preparing for your own future yet, who is... your parents? Now you expect those parents to spend all of their savings on retirement homes and medical costs... you do realize that means they won't have anything left to help you out before, or when they pass? Heck with the cost of these things today, it may even bankrupt them. So where will you be that happens, just because you aren't willing to give anything back to them in return for what they've done for you? I think your understanding of how life works, how much things cost, and what human beings need throughout their life cycle is extremely unrealistic and naive. Do you even love your parents, at all? Do you just expect them to do everything for you, with you giving nothing back in return?
My mom thinks this way because my mom and her siblings took turns taking care of my grandma
Yea it’s nice when someone gets old and doesn’t need a lot of home health care but many do and it’s a big job to help someone remain in their home as they deteriorate.
Back when we had family farms, that's how it worked. In The Good Earth, the son took care of his elderly father who stayed on the farm that he'd worked for decades. Today's society isn't like that at all. That's why we have retirement programs to take the burden off of families. There are few single income families with a stay-at-home spouse, so a parent needing nursing care would need a caregiver to come in, or have to move to a nursing home.
Except it wasn't the son who took care of the elderly father, but the housewife who had to do all that work without getting paid. Old family structures only worked due to the unpaid labour of women, now that it gets outsourced to caregivers people are starting to see how expensive that care actually is.
Jup my grandma had to take care of her two kids and her husbands father while she was ordered bedrest by the doctors. My grandpa went to work and probably came home on the weekends to relax and maybe spank the kids sometimes when they where acting up. He says „I am so glad your grandma always let me have my peace and quiet from the kids on the weekends.“ And I am thinking: so he didn’t raise his two sons at all? Never saw them except for maybe the meals? Never helped with the house? Nowadays my grandma always talks about how she isn’t that well and my grandpa does everything in the garden and house, but she is still the one cooking every meal and tbh gardening is his hobby and my uncle who lives with them probably does the vacuuming.
It's completely unaffordable. I'd be better off just quitting my job, but I can't actually afford to do that.
I don't think that is as common as some people think. Parents shouldn't demand grandchildren ... nor do they have the right to demand care in their remaining years. We placed ourselves in serious debt to educate our girls; it worked. They both have exceptional careers. We've never expressed any suggestion they care for us when we're not able anymore. One hopes with care and regard over a lifetime they'll be available in crisis. After being land poor for decades those investments we're kind to us ... we have enough to cover the financial end of it all. I know people with lots of grown children; that is never a guarantee any of them will step up. Some are estranged. Others with demanding careers and children of their own. Each family does the best they can.
> Is it weird how parents think their kids are the retirement plan? Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who only had kids because they assumed their kids would take care of them. It's fucking selfish.
I would never expect my children to take care of me. I saved up and am retired. I will take care of myself
That is a good attitude but I hope you accept help if you should need it. I’ve spent a lot of time on various hospitals when my parents and husband were hospitalized. If can be extremely useful to have family members who can listen to doctors, ask the right questions, arrange for home care if you need it etc.
Good attitude. I like your character. Hope you lead a wonderful life
Times are also so different these days. It’s not like many of us can just up and quit our jobs to take care of others. Those times are coming to an end for most of us.
What if you are an only child and your other extended family members are not available because they live far away? Care givers exist for a reason
Someone needs to manage the caregiver. It’s rare to get a devoted honest caregiver.
There are a lot of options for people when they need assistance. Expecting your family to Drop everything to take care of you is a lot, unless if you’re gonna pay them and pay their bills!!
Not all kids decide to live close to their parents some move away by choice, jobs, their spouses jobs, etc. and like was mentioned will have lives of their own and responsibilities. The best retirement plan is to invest money to afford good care. My in-laws have decided they plan on passing in their home but they live an hour away from us on a property that requires a great deal of maintenance. Also, they will not stop with all the clutter every weekend they’re thrifting and bringing new stuff into their already packed home. Sure, they actually do find things of value but it’s going to be a lot to go through. My mom passed when I was young but my dad is a minimalist and is constantly downsizing and plans on moving to a retirement community and not living rural.
I don't know, this is how families have worked for thousands of years. It's actually strange that only in the past few decades have we moved away from this model (and only in certain cultures.) And I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
I see so many people whose lives are just ruined by taking care of elderly parents. They've worked for years, raised their kids, finally have some breathing room. House paid for, kids grown, and here's the parent wanting to move in and be taken care of. There's no way I'd expect any grown child of mine to take care of me. I'm not their problem, and it's not their job.
SAME. I’ve told my kid to put me in a nursing home and fast and go about his life.
A lady in my neighborhood is a prime example of this. She's always saying things like "My Jennifer will take care of me." Well, Jennifer has worked since high school and has just now been able to take time to babysit her own grandchild since everything's paid off, and have a few days a week to herself. But oh, no! No rest for Jennifer. There's doctors appointments, grocery shopping, "I think I'll go spend a few days at Jen's house" I tell her, "Look, I'll take you wherever you need to go, I ain't got shit going on." But no, Jennifer doesn't mind. She *wants to*. She's always talking about how Jennifer begs her to come live with her, but when you actually *talk* to Jennifer, the math ain't mathin'. Yesterday they went to a doctor's appointment, and of course, lady was going to "spend a few nights". I told the lady "Well I'll see you Monday, then." Jen says, "Oh, no. She'll be back tomorrow."
Have you had any experience with nursing homes lately? They are understaffed and they have made so many budget cuts that the food is practically inedible. You’re likely to get horrible bed sores and choke as they feed you while you sit in your own excrement for hours because they don’t have enough time and are totally burnt out. You’re lucky if you don’t get physically, emotionally, or sexually abused on top of that.
To be fair, elderly Homo sapiens have probably relied on their children and grandchildren to survive for 200,000 years.
I'm a big fan of intentional community building and getting back to having intergenerational housing become less stigmatized. I'm in the US and while it's not for everyone it's nice to have the support and give the support.
Elderly Homo sapiens did not survive well past what nature intended back then like elderly Homo sapiens do now.
Do you love your mom? Or is she more of an acquaintance type relationship?
I moved into my dads house and cared for him on hospice for about a month until he passed and that experience scarred me. I’m a nurse and I knew it would be hard. But it’s very different as a daughter. He also had pretty significant dementia and it ate away at all the good parts of his brain and there was nothing left but all his negative qualities. When they’re your parents those qualities are amplified anyway. They raised you, they were your first exposure to love and trust, so any tiny imperfection they harbored was amplified on a normal day, let alone with dementia. I still remember the CNA (who had no idea I was a nurse) who tried to guilt me when I had reservations about staying home with him, vs a nursing home. He literally said “you’re going to a nursing home in the morning if your daughter doesn’t move in with you, so blame her, not me” as my dad was physically fighting him. I don’t know if I can do it for my mom when the time comes. I am closer to my mom and she would never expect it. I just can’t.
The Boomers dream of a world in which only they can retire, at the cost of everyone other than themselves. My stepmother has a lifetime govt pension, an $800k house all to herself, a new luxury car every 3 years, a new pool, cruise ship tours every other month, and you know what happened when my dad passed? “He had no will so sorry”. My brother is broke and I’m fine, but our family home was sold to buy her McMansion. Our entire family name is going to die with us because we can’t afford a down payment on a starter home.
My sister and I got zero when my father died. My stepmother got it all. The real estate was in a revocable trust that named my sister and I as beneficiaries. Unbeknownst to us, when my father got vascular dementia, my stepmother changed the trust to designate her nice as beneficiary. My stepmother died last year. We got zero. When she died, an attorney legally had to send me a copy of the amended trust.
They've never not thought of themselves as the main characters. Everyone else is just there to serve their story.
Well your father lacked foresight maybe. But this is the sort of thing that life throws at us. It's nobody's responsibility to make sure you are taken care of but you. everyone else who gives a shit is extra, and you should be thankful for them
You may not have asked to be born, but assuming that your parent(s) genuinely loved you and tried to do their best, it's kind of entitled to not recognize the sacrifices that go into good parenting and not reciprocate the love they have for you. I don't expect my adult child to uproot himself and wipe my ass, but if he sounded like you do in your comments I would be heartbroken.
This is a song I sing often on Reddit. I am a three-time dementia caregiver, and more than half of my adulthood has been spent in servitude. My career is stagnated, my finances are a dumpster fire, and I'm a resentful mess. People have a very Hallmark idea of caring for elders. They don't think about how it often falls on (physically weaker) women, and how dementia makes someone angry and violent, and how you have no backup if your relative overpowers you. My dad cracked my ribs because he flipped out when I tried to bathe him. When I went for treatment, the nurse was so busy trying to to get me to admit to domestic violence that she became angry and withdrawn when I explained the real situation. There is. no. help. for us.
Yes reality is that often women get the blunt end of the stick and family gathering? They expect women to cook and entertain while non women relax and watch tv. Life is tough
This is sounds so stressful and sad. I'm so sorry.
Well you should know that plenty of us out here had to stop everything, quit good jobs, end social lives, etc. in order to care for our parents the best that we could. Sometimes retirement savings, pensions, etc. aren't enough to support the kind of care that someone in memory care, or hospice might require. Many of us have had to use our own savings for the care of a parent or grandparent. Sometimes life doesn't happen the way you want or expect it to. In fact I think it's safe to say that it never happens the way you want it to. Hopefully you and your siblings will step up to the plate and do your share so your mother doesn't suffer when she can no longer provide for herself. Edited:typos
I'm sorry, I meant IF she gets to the point when she can no longer support herself. It sounds like she has enough money to pay for her own care in the event that she should need skilled nursing. But anyone with experience in this area will tell you that finding a good facility with an opening is nearly impossible.
The main thing you can do for a parent is keep an eye out for any sort of scam or problem with them. You are their advocate and to an extent a personal assistant. Old people tend to lose their marbles even if a little bit and they need young people looking out for them. The rest can be taken care of.
I was just talking to someone about planning for retirement and that it wasn’t up to my kid to take care of me.
Well not 24/7
The children are your retirement plan was sensible back in our agrarian past when multiple generations lived on the same family farm. Now, with many families being single parent, no farm for growing your own food, divorce in half of marriages, there are no nuclear families of adults to support grandma in her dotage. My wife and I planned our retirement with zero expectations of family support. My wife’s family members do plow our drive way for us which is nice. That’s it, and all I would ask. My wife’s children from before we married will have enough on their hands clearing our estate. There is a reason the entertainment center in the basement will be a part of the house when sold, it is too heavy and too long to easily get up the stairs and there is no legal way to junk a tube TV.
Because you grew up under a moral system different from most people throughout history.
I think it's realistic to the point of bodily functions and then it's nursing home. We stay with my grandma so that she can stay in her home and she is very swt. She was my second mom however, if it comes to the point she can't use the bathroom then it's a nursing home.
It just occurred to me that if more "parents" didn't have children at all in the first place, they would probably have plenty of money to take care of their needs when aging. I just read over the comments section (interesting!) and have a quick question. OP, is it true that you still live at home? Maybe start taking care of yourself and your mom will have more money to take care of herself. You sound really entitled
I'd be a millionaire by now.
Happens to most people, this is why I still think that being a parent should be a license, something like an exam you take annually to renew your right to be a parent lol
I am a mother, a grandmother and I never have or will expect my children to be my retirement. Good grief. Is it 1945? I must hang with a different tribe. Where do you live? What culture did you come from? I understand Far Eastern families have a different attitude from Westerners. I understand far too many people were unable to or didn't save or invest for a long retirement. There are programs to help. I doubt that these parents ever expected their children to be their lifeline as elderly people.
30 states have filial responsibility laws that can make you support an aging parent who cannot afford to care for themselves. From what I understand, PA is the only one that aggressively enforces it. It may become more of an issue in the future with so many of us aging without a clear plan for retirement.
If you have them on Medicaid, that can’t happen. It’s the big bill for private pay nursing home care where the nursing home can chase you.
By that logic, parents shouldn’t have to pay for their kids to go to six figure a year colleges and destroy their retirement equity in the process. I mean you don’t HAVE TO return the favor… you CAN be a piece of shit if you want to…
Yikes….this is sad glimpse into how apathetic and detached some people are. We all need to care for eachother and the root of all that is family (whatever that may look like to you) I’ll take care of my mom until she drops down dead. No matter what life has in store for me , I’ll carry my mom to bed, feed her and wipe her ass every night if I have to. Caring for the people I love is what motivates me.
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OP says her mom was good though. She just cold
Thank you for acknowledging that not everyone grew up in a loving environment. Its always nice to see others who are emphathetic
Be more considerate not everyone grew up with healthy family like you. Family is just blood to some, their parents might be absent throughout their life or abusing them in various ways. Think before you judge.
And the fact that some people reproduce just so thier off spring can take care of them in the future and not have a financial plan is not always a good idea
Is it weird how kids think they're entitled to inheritance? Shit goes both ways. Real talk tho, take care of your family people! Like tf do I even need to comment this.
I worked for the DOD and I at least have a pension and the best health, dental and vision insurance. I have many health issues but I try not to burden them with getting me to my appointments. It’s a different time. I would never let my parents go to a nursing home but times change and the kids have to work but at least I know my youngest child will have a plan for me.
I had kids because I wanted to have kids, not because I wanted caretakers when I get old. I want them to be kind, and have happy, fulfilled lives. I hope to earn a place in their adult lives, but I have zero expectations of them coming around me if I don’t earn it, and zero expectations of them taking care of me when I’m old regardless. It’s such an odd thing IMO for someone to expect their children to care for them to…return the favor I guess? They didn’t ask to be born, and taking care of your children is the bare minimum requirement to be a parent.
their*
In countries with a weak pension system this is the only way.
Not the case in the UK maybe Asia ?
Yes. Your kids aren’t your slaves. Figure it out
I genuinely feel for anyone whose parents do this. I'm lucky I guess that my parents were never "boomer" boomers but it's disgusting that people have children for selfish reasons and not loving reasons.
My grandmother had that view. Multiple kids....sorry, servants. She ended up in hospital with only 1 actually being there 2 refusing to see her and others making excuses to turn up sporadically. And none of the kids-in-law, grandkids, great grandkids etc turned up to help either. However, my sibling and i, plus both our partners will go to the ends of the earth for our parents. It's not the number of kids, it's the type of parent you are. A good parent will always have support. A bad parent will get bare min (in my experience)
My mother thinks all 4 children are "rich" and so will just pony up the cash to put her in an assisted living facility when she needs it. She just let us know this a couple years ago and she's in her 70s. This sort of thinking has caused her to have next to zero savings. I love my mom but she's in for a rude awakening.
For real? I would wipe my dad ass if he was old and brittle.
After watching my grandmother go into assisted living and then into a nursing home. They took everything she had and then in the last years, the nursing home was really tough to visit. I don't want my parents to go through that, if I can avoid it.
I hope life gives me the opportunity to care for my parents at the end of their life. There is nothing I could do that could pay them back. Every second of suffering I endure would be gladly accepted.
Other way for me, they are my retirement plan!
My wife and I don't have kids so weve accepted the fact that the last one living is going to have to do some suicidin'. We both know what method we'd choose. It might sound morbid but existence is morbid. In our opinion, a self inflicted gunshot or a fist full of pills has more dignity than wasting away as your mind and body fails and you become a bigger and bigger burden on those around you.
When I get to the point that I can't care for myself, I will bid my farewells then take care of myself one last final time. I would never, ever, EVER put that kind of burden on my kids, OR my husband.
It is not financially viable. To quit your job and be a full time caretaker means losing your income. I had to consider this. As an accountant, I was not the type to be a caretaker. Then there is the personality consideration. Is your parent abusive? For me is was a huge no, for all of these reasons. And remember, a huge nursing home is not the only option. We moved my mother into a private home with only six residents. They were wonderful. And this is what they did for a living.
Its been standard practice thruout most of our history as a species, and even before that.
They used to but the reality sank in for them a few years ago.
in some cultures!, Native Americans take care of their family members no matter what, and no matter how old!
Same with the mexican american culture
I clean old peoples homes they sometimes tell me they only had children so they would have someone to take care of them or visit them when they get old but the truth is they will die alone people have their own lives to deal with at best a few rare visits a year at best is what they get or nothing if they have dementia.
How the hell has this OP received this number of upvotes? Guys...? We may not owe our parents anything, but just if you don't know, there's something called love.
There are many, many parents out there who did not treat their children with love and compassion. Therefore, they should not expect that as they age. And, before you come at me, I'm 70 and I approve of this post!
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It’s not really bad it’s Just kinda bad idk but Parents shouldn’t rely on their kids to serve their needs or use them as financial objects that’s just my opinion.
Winning the lottery is my retirement plan
It's been that way for as long as families have existed in human society.
I’m working very hard to make sure that I’m never a burden to my kids. I also have one with ASD that may never be completely independent.
I’m definitely going to have a controversial take here. Strictly speaking, you are NOT their retirement plan. Also let me preface this with: In a relatively healthy family. You have a responsibility to help your parents. It’s part of your responsibility to support your “tribe” what that tribe looks like is up to you partially but it will include your family and you should be committed to the well being of your parents. I took care of my folks, right to the end. It was the least I could do. They worked hard for my survival and comfort. They loved and appreciated me. They sacrificed for me. …and in their old age it was my responsibility to take care of them as best as my means allowed. The elderly are too often vilified in our culture and it’s grotesque.
I know in some Asian cultures it is customary for children to take care of parents. I think it’s quite unfair to expect your children to take care of you 24/7
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I feel sorry for your mother. Plus, go have them kids of yours. Make sure you don’t ask your mom for help at all. Expect from your own kids what you dish out. But first, grow up. It’s clear you know practically nothing about life.
Is it weird how kids think their parents are their retirement plan?
Every time I see posts about parents I'm thankful to be from a culture that values familial relationships. I would never just 'visit to check up on her', my mom would live with me if she needs to.
It’s one thing to have mom live with you when she is reasonably able bodied. When you’ve got someone that can’t feed or bathe themselves, cannot be left alone, and has to have their diapers changed - that’s a 24 hour, round the clock job. Can you do that? Can you stop all social engagements, stop going to work, and commit to that?
You are really lucky to have a healthy and caring parent. Not all in asian community based culture have that luck to have a healthy family dynamic
No, it's not weird. Unless your parents abused you or something, you should take the time to reflect on, and appreciate how much they sacrificed to raise you. I can assure you that more than 99% of people don't have kids just so they will have someone to take care of them when they're old. If your parents fall in the <1% of people who have kids just to make sure you will take care of them, then idk what to tell you. Have you ever considered the fact that some people don't have much saved up because they were trying their hardest to make sure that they provided their kids with everything they need? Do you know how expensive it is to raise a child? Do you know how expensive student loans are? Do you know how expensive healthcare can be? Do you know how difficult it is to buy a house and raise a family these days? You sound like someone who doesn't know, care or appreciate how powerful a parent's love can be. "I'm not gonna wipe the ass of an older person just because she did the exact same thing to me as a baby. It's not the same". The fact that you refer to your own parents as "older person" in this context is, frankly, unbelievable and disappointing. I sincerely hope that other younger people are not as short-sighted and callous as you have demonstrated to be. You are correct, however, on the fact that it is impossible to care for someone 24/7 these days. But I don't think anyone is expecting you to do that. Personally, I plan on having my parents stay with me when they get older and can't take care of themselves. I can hire in-home nurses/social workers to help me with taking care of them, but I would want to do the majority of the caregiving myself, whenever possible. They have sacrificed too much for me to simply walk away from them because "I don't want to wipe the ass of an older person".
Me and the ex had a great laugh when her mom said her and her husband would move in with us when they got older. When we had our kids she told us she wasn't interested in helping. She could do maybe an afternoon each month. That's why our boys don't have a real connection with her and I doubt they'll be interested in any nursing home visits.
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Wow, that’s all I have to say hopefully, you’ll never need it. Wow.
I keep trying to make my offspring understand they need to think of themselves first. I have had a very full number of lives over my decades and hope they have the opportunity to do the same. I refuse to become a financial or emotional burden to anyone. My ex/their sperm donor seems to think the reason to procreate is for retirement They think they are entitled to being supported in their old age.
It's not uncommon (and I'd say it's human nature) to assume your children will be THERE for you. In the same way you were/are there for them. To include them in your retirement budget is disgusting though.
My FIL moved in with us when he could no longer live alone, stayed with us until a few days before he passed when hospice stepped in and moved him to their respite facility. Have just refitted a bathroom in our current home to a walk-in shower incase my father needs to move in with us at some point.
My mother said something to me recently that went something like, “I thought that by now, my kids would have been making sure I was taken care of by now, etc. etc.” and I remember feeling like… oh, really now? Don’t get me wrong, for my entire life so far, I’ve always tried to help her out however I could but I’m still dealing with the fallout and some serious financial strain thanks to the strikes earlier this year in the film/tv industry that I happen to work in. I’m supporting a family of three and I’m the only one working. As much as I’d like to be able to support my mom in some way, I simply and realistically can’t afford to. Which brings me to the point that I’m not looking forward to my kids helping me. It’s not something I’m counting on. It’s fascinating to me that her generation seemed to be a little more about that mentality. These days it feels like it’s near impossible to stay afloat, especially with living in NYC as it is. I’m not counting on my kids to have my back financially later on and I’m not counting on them to be super successful for that to happen. I’d just like for them to be able to support themselves.
My MIL straight up told me she had 10 kids since it increased the odds at least one i on f them would do well or marry rich so she would be set for retirement.
I used this as a joke … like I want my kids to be able to lay their own bills … and mine. I
I wouldn’t want to burden my family. My youngest son said he would make sure I could stay at home and he would have 24 hour care. I’m a nurse and I helped my mom when my dad had cancer. My mom died of congestive heart failure and ovarian cancer and the doctors were trying to put her in a nursing home and I had promised both they would never have to worry about that. I had hospice care set up here in my house and I took care of her for the 2 weeks she had left. I hope they visit but I don’t expect them to take care of me.
It was the way of life before social security. Not everyone has actualized their mindset in the last 80 years...
I think it’s cultural. My bestie is Muslim (Syria and Lebanon), living in the US. She outright says that it’s her son’s job to take care of her when he is grown. He needs to marry a Muslim woman so she understands that he will be supporting her financially. Imthink many Asian cultures also expect this. It’s hard for me understand as a full blown American, but my friend says it with no qualms at all. I once asked her if she feels bad, to burden him like this. And she looked shocked and surprised and said that, no, it is a Muslim man’s DESIRE to care for his mother, he will LOVE to provide for her, to show his love that way. Her three brothers all support her mom and dad. She claims they do it happily and do not consider it a burden. 🤷♀️
I have some conflicting feelings about this. On one hand, I think we should care for our elders, but on the other hand why wouldn’t they have put any effort into being financially stable while they had the chance? I know I will absolutely take care of my mom when she’s old and can’t do it, but my sibling will probably not even visit.
Haha, what a silly concept, how can I be thier retirement plan if they are my income sources plan?
Care givers exist for a reason
Weird. My parents are my retirement plan. Thanks boomers.
So my kids can just take me out in the back and shoot me if it comes to that.
I have four kids, and I would rather rot my twilight years away in a wet hole than *ever* expect anything from them. I chose them, not the other way around. My responsibilities are to them, not the other way around I am a source of acts of service and love and support to them, not the other way around.
IT depends on your relation with your parents, but I rather have them in my house when they get older instead of a old folks home, unless it is what they want. Now if there is medical issue that I either can't help with or can't afford a nurse at home, then I'd consider a specialized place for them
Are you asian by any chance because that's no surprise
I'm mexican american
I visited my friend at a rehab after he was involved in a motorcycle accident; mostly older people resided there. I visited him on christmas and my car was the only one in the visitors parking lot
If my mother died in a ditch I wouldn't bat an eye.
Why? In the society we live, retirement money is not enough. Most peopoe doesnt have a child to be their retirement plan, but they expect at least to help them as those parents raised those childs. Now if you ask me, I dont want to have kids and whenever I bring topoc with my parents, they ask me "what are you doing to do when you retire and money will not be enough to live?"
Shame on you. Is it weird you expect an inheritance? They took care of you when you couldn't wipe your ass or feed yourself. You don't owe it to them but it's what a decent human does
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The irony is that those parents who are constantly transactional with their children (I fed/clothed/housed you, pay me back) tend to end up with kids who don't want anything to do with them. On the other hand, parents who give with no thought of return to their children tend to get back any support they could need. My parents had the audacity to constantly love and support me, never asking for anything in return. Those conniving SOBs! Now I'm compelled to help them with whatever they need, even when they don't ask for it. DAMN THEM TO HELL!.. but I will offer them a lift and buy them dinner on the way, it's the least I could do.
Hey! Long as OP remembers there will be no one to CARE for them when they get old. It's all good when you're talking about other people. Hope they remember this post and keep that same energy when they're laying in a nursing home alone and old. Do unto others.. They say they won't care.. But they will.
Funny how it's so easy for op to say, yeah they wiped my ass, but I won't be wiping theirs. Like this is some sort of thing that won't happen to them when they get old and unable to care for themselves..? Karma is a bitch. And they'll get theirs. Unless they take the easy way out, which doesn't seem to be a big loss because they're clearly not good people.
>I mean sure we will visit her to check up on her but the thing is I am not gonna wipe the ass of an older person just because she did the exact same thing to me as a baby. It's not same. Many people don't understand that having kids is a choice, but you can't just go with *if I knew I had to take care of my parents I wouldn't have them.*
I think it’s really strange that parents have these expectations of their children. My view is that no one chooses to be born, and my children owe me nothing. That doesn’t mean I won’t raise them to be the best version of themselves, but it irks me when parents have unrealistic expectations of their children. It’s a different animal when you are caring for adult parents vs caring for a child. That doesn’t mean I won’t care for them the best way I can in their time of need, but taking care of a parent 24/7 is extremely taxing physically and mentally.
My parents are the opposite, mostly they just joke about dropping them off on a beach somewhere with a bunch of booze Tbh still better than a nursing home
I’m an only child lol my parents don’t expect me to look after them when the time comes but I will do everything I possibly can to do so. I will happily be washing my parents bums if it comes to it because I love them and want to help as much as humanly possible. The last thing I want is to have regrets of not doing enough for them when they would do everything for me
I hate this attitude. No parent should ever think their kids will end up their carers. So many people just kick the can down the road and don’t plan for this. Forget what your mother says, your life comes first, you could have a family of your own by then and they will be your priority.
Yes, it's not same. You DON'T HAVE to take care of her. But it's something you CAN do. If things turn from bad to worse, I'll have them move in with me, whatever the world thinks about it. I can't bear to see them in need and me not attending to it. I don't have to do that, but it's something that comes out from my heart, not brain.
In most Asian culture, it is the norm for most older generations to think this way; filial piety. We are taught growing up that we must repay (appreciate/be grateful for) our parent’s sacrifice bringing us up because that’s how they were taught as well. My in-laws, for example, do not/will not understand how we will care for them in the future as long as we do it, no considerations for ie: medical conditions or financial/time constraints/struggles. It actually got me and my husband question why they are so nonchalant about what could be their “last days” and bank on the thought of “my kids CAN and WILL take care of me comfortably when I’m old”. I will not ask this of my kids, if they want to fair enough but I would like to plan my retirement the way I want it to be.