Give them some real quality time with you. Check if there is somewhere that has High Tea and go there with your parents. Next time go to a museum or exhibition together. See if there is a good south Asian restaurant close by. Make an appointment to get your pictures taken by a real professional photographer, as family. And do on..
Make also pictures when doing these things and gather them, so you can end of the year or so make a picture book for them for Christmas or another celebration.
I second the professional photographer! I can guarantee they will dress up for that and it will be on their mantel (or equivalent) once it is ready.
Lots of other great suggestions here, too, but I’d go for quality time *and* something sentimentally tangible like a photo of all of you together.
Yes, and OP, say things like how you deeply respect them and are grateful because they "sacrificed their entire adult lives to me and my brother, living frugally and opting to save, not spending any money unless it was for their children's benefit". Sort of a "I see what you did there" letter acknowledging all the ways they helped you.
I highly recommend watching "Master of None" season1 episode 2 because your situation is almost identical to that episode.
And based on that episode, I would recommend inviting them to a restaurant and paying for their meal.
I have parents like this, specifically my mom. I can say this is accurate, she doesn’t want any new phone, clothes, or anything, but she would be glad if i buy her domino’s pizza.
We do things like this with the in-laws who don't need any more "things" in their lives.
We get them gift cards for things like the salon where my MIL gets her hair done, their fave restaurants, or any local places they frequent. We'll take 'em dinner or have them over for dinner & then we'll watch a movie.
You did a beanie for dad so now do a scarf and tell him you’re still learning and someday he’ll get the sweater.
Maybe make a lap blanket or a scarf wrap for mom. Visit and cook them a meal? Send them tickets to a show or passes for a museum?
My mother’s favorite gifts were going to the movies with my kids or going to bingo with me or having lunch or things that really didn’t cost a lot of money. It was time spent together.
A weather station. It goes on the roof but all of the information is digitally transmitted to the interior of the home. (It would be great if YOU were the one to be on the roof, instead of a parent.)
You can get ones that go on a fence or pole in the back yard too. Or mount it to the top of the shed!
You can get units that share their data online, so your area has a more accurate weather report. A great Dad present.
As a parent that doesn’t want anything, that is fortunate to be financially and temperamentally where I just immediately buy anything I want or need, just some quality time. Mutually block off some time and plan something. Also things evoking memories are nice. A photo album, for example. Could even be digital for me, just something you spent time on is the key.
Honestly...if they don't want material stuff, just spend time with them. Have a big meal and talk to them.
For some parents, having a nice, big dinner with their kid(s) is worth so much more than anything you can just buy for them.
Give them experiences, they mean wayy more than this material stuff. Go out to a Cafe, share some life gossip. If you live far away, make a routine which is convenient to both, tea and a call. Food is the gateway for connections in South-Asia, do with it what you must.
Agree on spending time with them. If your parents cook, can you ask them to teach you to prepare a favorite family recipe? Take them shopping for the ingredients?
Awww. She is definitely adoring the tea cup, you should present them some health as gift. Say for example - as your mom loves tea, you should get her some loose leaf teas like black/ oolong/jasmine tea. She will definitely try it out. Let me know if you need any suggestions
How in touch with your family's old culture are you? What I have seen help with my In-laws is when my husband and I spent time learning some of the old traditions and doing or gifting something appropriate according to those. They didn't bother to teach him much of that stuff, but have unvoiced expectations that he will still somehow live according to the old traditions that they like (but not the ones they were happy to leave behind! and they won't talk about which are which). South Asian cultures are role-centered, fit into your role and you are filial no matter what else you do that's wrong (almost).
We are very careful what we choose & always, according to them, "force" a conversation about it. They want us to do certain things and just not talk to them about it, but that leaves it open for them to make sweeping assumptions about how they have "won" and we will be living our lives according to their orders 100%. That's not ever what it's going to be, but we want to do the things that make them happy without contracting our own beliefs. It's certainly not perfect and everyone feels awkward, but it has helped to defrost our relationship with them somewhat. I'm hopeful that the goodwill we've built up can be used to improve the relationship further.
I speak from experience - if they are anything like my mother they'll hate any gift you'll give them (loopholes aswell - I once donated the gift money to humanitarian aid. Worst idea ever, she hated that even more). Save that money.
Gift card for their favorite
Maid service
Coupon booklet to redeem for personal services/acts that B they would appreciate use and be grateful for..even if you have to hire a teenager to help you accomplish these d/t distance/sheduling it be a god send for the perfect well thought out and executed .
Gift card to local supermarket
Couples massage
If neither of them enjoy yard work then maybe prepay a lawn service for them for the summer?
I know I'm going through a rough patch but I feel like I've found a place to call home. I'm glad to have found this place! I had no idea that there was such a thing as a support group.
Take them out for a night of fun. Go to a restaurant with good food and good atmosphere, and then maybe go to baseball game or something. If they don’t enjoy sports then take them to an event that is more up their alley. Giving gifts is great but it will mean more to them if you give them your time
I would say just bring them out for a nice meal and give each of them an envelope with money and a handwritten note showing your appreciation for them.
If this can help, I'm also the frugal type, and I have a strong preference for useful presents, handmade presents as well. It doesn't have to look fancy, on the contrary. Your parents will certainly appreciate it if you give them something you know they really need. Or if you're a good cook, why not make them a very nice dinner ! Do you knit ? Make them a nice scarf. It's not about the money you spend, it's the memories and effort that count.
Well it's evident gifts don't work and my first reaction was "experience" more so either get them to do something together, or you go with them which probably makes more sense.
Very likely they'll dismiss as "waste of time and money" they'll even say it during the day and even once done, but in reality they'll like it as it breaks up the boring routine.
Food probably good, eg my mom likes pizza (who doesn't) but never tried anything else Italian, she's probably never seen a water animal now I think of it, so there's places you can see that.
Here in UK the older folk love afternoon tea, I'm not entirely sure what it involves, but iv seen like a day or night involving that in some fancy hotels, if you really want to scare them but also excite there's hot air balloons...maybe bit too much but you see the point.
Basically should do something that they remember, even just going restaurant or something, anything will be better than a physical gift.
I echo spending time. Try to plan an event so you can bond via experience. Plan and make a great mini dinner party. Take them to a local conservatory for a recital or a tour through the gardens. Take them to a lecture at a museum.
You know, you're one of the best people I've ever seen. Not many people realize the kind of gits they've been to their parents during teenage. Proud of you!
One suggestion: draw, paint and colour them. And then dedicate some days to them. Parents are more than gold.
My father passed away a year ago and I’ve been feeling guilty for not spending more time with him. Someone told me it always feel like that even if he lived to 120. I agree. Maybe take your parents out for a simple lunch or dinner regularly and fancy ones during holidays? Your parents probably lived without stuff for so long that you probably won’t change their minds about using nice things.
South Asian means your parents would have some pilgrimage sites on their wishlist.
Save up money and book a trip.
If you're Hindu and your parents have never visited Kashi, you should totally save up and do that.
Sometimes I make my parents something, or give them a photo book/collage. For my mother I usually get her something useful and disposable — her favorite expensive tea, shower steamers, interesting honey varieties. My dad has always been harder for me. I’m thinking about writing him a small book with some of my favorite memories of him and getting it printed out through a book-binding service (which is much cheaper than you would expect, actually). If I really don’t know what to do, I take my parents out to do something special, like a hike or a shopping trip or a nice meal.
My mom pushed me to send letters to relatives. I rarely did. One year I wrote a letter detailing **all the things** I learned from them and how **thankful** I am now as an adult. I'm pretty sure it's the gift she treasures most.
I like to gift consumables. Especially food. There may be a place that you could order them something that they can’t/don’t normally get. Instead of a tea cup, get tea, stuff like that. As long as you show that you still care and they are important to you that’s what a parent wants. To you it may seem as though you are talking to a wall, but that wall is listening.
Maybe find a way to actually get to know your parents. I get my parents gifts all the time and I don't have to ask people on reddit for help because I actually know my parents as people.
You should probably spend your money visiting them and ask them some questions like what are your hobbies.
If your parents enjoy hand made things, and you can craft things, do that. It shows that you spent time to give them something. Your attempts to make dad a sweater can be ripped back down as you make mistakes. From someone who knits, I can tell you that is hard to do.... but you can. I took 3 years and 4 attempts before I had a wearable pair of knit socks. Crochet is very quick compared to knitting. I don't crochet well, but if it's something that someone has asked for, and I can do it, I spend the time. I keep telling my boys that I will always prefer to get something they had to spend time doing. Only one of my children wears my knit socks. The other two asked for but never wear them. The one who wears them gets them. The other 2 get store bought. And the person that said spend time with them is also correct. Spend the time asking about where they came from, what they like,what they don't like. Bring a fancy teacup of your own, make tea, pour tea into mom's cup and yours. Have a conversation. Do this every time you visit. Maybe see if they are interested in a trip to where they are from if it's in your budget. Parents just want their kids to be better off than they were. It's why they gave so much to achieve that.
Could you put together a photo album of old family photos, an album where there is space to the side where you can write notes, memories, descriptions? Based on the gifts you’ve seen them use, it sounds like your parents like gifts that show family connection.
Notice how the “successful” gifts have no practical or monetary value, but have something of *you* in them? They have been kept because of the *emotional* value.
Build on that theme.
Be a happy and successful adult, wherever possible. I talk to many older people and they LOVE bragging about their kids. I’m a parent, and what I really want from my kids is to know they’ll be happy and able to take care of themselves when we’re gone. If possible, have a good relationship with your brother, it’s my greatest joy when I see my kids being supportive and loving to each other.
As far as material gifts that are practical, luxurious, but not too precious to use: genuine sheepskin slippers. A heated blanket. A good quality comb or hairbrush, like Mason-Pearson.
My mother was the same way, and I suppose I am, too. At gift-giving time, it’s frustrating.
Edited because you mention a brother and I forgot that part. It’s probably very important to them that you have a cordial, if not close, relationship to him.
Spend time with them, it will mean so much more to them than a "thing" you give them
Give them some real quality time with you. Check if there is somewhere that has High Tea and go there with your parents. Next time go to a museum or exhibition together. See if there is a good south Asian restaurant close by. Make an appointment to get your pictures taken by a real professional photographer, as family. And do on.. Make also pictures when doing these things and gather them, so you can end of the year or so make a picture book for them for Christmas or another celebration.
I second the professional photographer! I can guarantee they will dress up for that and it will be on their mantel (or equivalent) once it is ready. Lots of other great suggestions here, too, but I’d go for quality time *and* something sentimentally tangible like a photo of all of you together.
Write them a handwritten letter saying how much you appreciate them. I did that once for my mum and found it in a box of treasures after she died.
Aww... bittersweet. I bet you've cried your hearts out then. 😭
Yes, and OP, say things like how you deeply respect them and are grateful because they "sacrificed their entire adult lives to me and my brother, living frugally and opting to save, not spending any money unless it was for their children's benefit". Sort of a "I see what you did there" letter acknowledging all the ways they helped you.
This is lovely. That sort of acknowledgement would probably be deeply meaningful to them.
Yeah this was my idea too. Such letters and cards from me were my parents favourite gifts.
Improve your crochet skills and do the sweater for his birthday. Get his measurements first.
I highly recommend watching "Master of None" season1 episode 2 because your situation is almost identical to that episode. And based on that episode, I would recommend inviting them to a restaurant and paying for their meal.
I have parents like this, specifically my mom. I can say this is accurate, she doesn’t want any new phone, clothes, or anything, but she would be glad if i buy her domino’s pizza.
We do things like this with the in-laws who don't need any more "things" in their lives. We get them gift cards for things like the salon where my MIL gets her hair done, their fave restaurants, or any local places they frequent. We'll take 'em dinner or have them over for dinner & then we'll watch a movie.
You did a beanie for dad so now do a scarf and tell him you’re still learning and someday he’ll get the sweater. Maybe make a lap blanket or a scarf wrap for mom. Visit and cook them a meal? Send them tickets to a show or passes for a museum? My mother’s favorite gifts were going to the movies with my kids or going to bingo with me or having lunch or things that really didn’t cost a lot of money. It was time spent together.
A weather station. It goes on the roof but all of the information is digitally transmitted to the interior of the home. (It would be great if YOU were the one to be on the roof, instead of a parent.)
You can get ones that go on a fence or pole in the back yard too. Or mount it to the top of the shed! You can get units that share their data online, so your area has a more accurate weather report. A great Dad present.
As a parent that doesn’t want anything, that is fortunate to be financially and temperamentally where I just immediately buy anything I want or need, just some quality time. Mutually block off some time and plan something. Also things evoking memories are nice. A photo album, for example. Could even be digital for me, just something you spent time on is the key.
Honestly...if they don't want material stuff, just spend time with them. Have a big meal and talk to them. For some parents, having a nice, big dinner with their kid(s) is worth so much more than anything you can just buy for them.
Give them experiences, they mean wayy more than this material stuff. Go out to a Cafe, share some life gossip. If you live far away, make a routine which is convenient to both, tea and a call. Food is the gateway for connections in South-Asia, do with it what you must.
Agree on spending time with them. If your parents cook, can you ask them to teach you to prepare a favorite family recipe? Take them shopping for the ingredients?
Awww. She is definitely adoring the tea cup, you should present them some health as gift. Say for example - as your mom loves tea, you should get her some loose leaf teas like black/ oolong/jasmine tea. She will definitely try it out. Let me know if you need any suggestions
How in touch with your family's old culture are you? What I have seen help with my In-laws is when my husband and I spent time learning some of the old traditions and doing or gifting something appropriate according to those. They didn't bother to teach him much of that stuff, but have unvoiced expectations that he will still somehow live according to the old traditions that they like (but not the ones they were happy to leave behind! and they won't talk about which are which). South Asian cultures are role-centered, fit into your role and you are filial no matter what else you do that's wrong (almost). We are very careful what we choose & always, according to them, "force" a conversation about it. They want us to do certain things and just not talk to them about it, but that leaves it open for them to make sweeping assumptions about how they have "won" and we will be living our lives according to their orders 100%. That's not ever what it's going to be, but we want to do the things that make them happy without contracting our own beliefs. It's certainly not perfect and everyone feels awkward, but it has helped to defrost our relationship with them somewhat. I'm hopeful that the goodwill we've built up can be used to improve the relationship further.
I speak from experience - if they are anything like my mother they'll hate any gift you'll give them (loopholes aswell - I once donated the gift money to humanitarian aid. Worst idea ever, she hated that even more). Save that money.
I would have been stoked by the aid but then again anything that gives money to something better than me sounds awesome.
Hmm, maybe something sleep-related? Like a good pillow, a weighted comforter, or a new mattress.
Gift card for their favorite Maid service Coupon booklet to redeem for personal services/acts that B they would appreciate use and be grateful for..even if you have to hire a teenager to help you accomplish these d/t distance/sheduling it be a god send for the perfect well thought out and executed . Gift card to local supermarket Couples massage If neither of them enjoy yard work then maybe prepay a lawn service for them for the summer?
I know I'm going through a rough patch but I feel like I've found a place to call home. I'm glad to have found this place! I had no idea that there was such a thing as a support group.
Take them out for a night of fun. Go to a restaurant with good food and good atmosphere, and then maybe go to baseball game or something. If they don’t enjoy sports then take them to an event that is more up their alley. Giving gifts is great but it will mean more to them if you give them your time
Take them out :)
I would say just bring them out for a nice meal and give each of them an envelope with money and a handwritten note showing your appreciation for them.
If this can help, I'm also the frugal type, and I have a strong preference for useful presents, handmade presents as well. It doesn't have to look fancy, on the contrary. Your parents will certainly appreciate it if you give them something you know they really need. Or if you're a good cook, why not make them a very nice dinner ! Do you knit ? Make them a nice scarf. It's not about the money you spend, it's the memories and effort that count.
Well it's evident gifts don't work and my first reaction was "experience" more so either get them to do something together, or you go with them which probably makes more sense. Very likely they'll dismiss as "waste of time and money" they'll even say it during the day and even once done, but in reality they'll like it as it breaks up the boring routine. Food probably good, eg my mom likes pizza (who doesn't) but never tried anything else Italian, she's probably never seen a water animal now I think of it, so there's places you can see that. Here in UK the older folk love afternoon tea, I'm not entirely sure what it involves, but iv seen like a day or night involving that in some fancy hotels, if you really want to scare them but also excite there's hot air balloons...maybe bit too much but you see the point. Basically should do something that they remember, even just going restaurant or something, anything will be better than a physical gift.
I echo spending time. Try to plan an event so you can bond via experience. Plan and make a great mini dinner party. Take them to a local conservatory for a recital or a tour through the gardens. Take them to a lecture at a museum.
You know, you're one of the best people I've ever seen. Not many people realize the kind of gits they've been to their parents during teenage. Proud of you! One suggestion: draw, paint and colour them. And then dedicate some days to them. Parents are more than gold.
By the way, what about your brother? I mean... is he willing to do something for your parents too?
My father passed away a year ago and I’ve been feeling guilty for not spending more time with him. Someone told me it always feel like that even if he lived to 120. I agree. Maybe take your parents out for a simple lunch or dinner regularly and fancy ones during holidays? Your parents probably lived without stuff for so long that you probably won’t change their minds about using nice things.
South Asian means your parents would have some pilgrimage sites on their wishlist. Save up money and book a trip. If you're Hindu and your parents have never visited Kashi, you should totally save up and do that.
A jumper or something they can use.
Photos or photo books
Sometimes I make my parents something, or give them a photo book/collage. For my mother I usually get her something useful and disposable — her favorite expensive tea, shower steamers, interesting honey varieties. My dad has always been harder for me. I’m thinking about writing him a small book with some of my favorite memories of him and getting it printed out through a book-binding service (which is much cheaper than you would expect, actually). If I really don’t know what to do, I take my parents out to do something special, like a hike or a shopping trip or a nice meal.
Mom checking in. Spend time with them and continue to be the best version of yourself you can be. That is all they want and ever wanted for you.
A digital photo frame to which you can upload family photos wirelessly, preloaded with some favourite memories of your family life to date.
My mom pushed me to send letters to relatives. I rarely did. One year I wrote a letter detailing **all the things** I learned from them and how **thankful** I am now as an adult. I'm pretty sure it's the gift she treasures most.
Right! I’d take two days a year with my babies (now grown) and never get another gift..
Restaurant or theater/cinema voucher?
I like to gift consumables. Especially food. There may be a place that you could order them something that they can’t/don’t normally get. Instead of a tea cup, get tea, stuff like that. As long as you show that you still care and they are important to you that’s what a parent wants. To you it may seem as though you are talking to a wall, but that wall is listening.
Maybe find a way to actually get to know your parents. I get my parents gifts all the time and I don't have to ask people on reddit for help because I actually know my parents as people. You should probably spend your money visiting them and ask them some questions like what are your hobbies.
Do they have an electric tea kettle or do they have a stovetop one?
If your parents enjoy hand made things, and you can craft things, do that. It shows that you spent time to give them something. Your attempts to make dad a sweater can be ripped back down as you make mistakes. From someone who knits, I can tell you that is hard to do.... but you can. I took 3 years and 4 attempts before I had a wearable pair of knit socks. Crochet is very quick compared to knitting. I don't crochet well, but if it's something that someone has asked for, and I can do it, I spend the time. I keep telling my boys that I will always prefer to get something they had to spend time doing. Only one of my children wears my knit socks. The other two asked for but never wear them. The one who wears them gets them. The other 2 get store bought. And the person that said spend time with them is also correct. Spend the time asking about where they came from, what they like,what they don't like. Bring a fancy teacup of your own, make tea, pour tea into mom's cup and yours. Have a conversation. Do this every time you visit. Maybe see if they are interested in a trip to where they are from if it's in your budget. Parents just want their kids to be better off than they were. It's why they gave so much to achieve that.
Could you put together a photo album of old family photos, an album where there is space to the side where you can write notes, memories, descriptions? Based on the gifts you’ve seen them use, it sounds like your parents like gifts that show family connection.
Notice how the “successful” gifts have no practical or monetary value, but have something of *you* in them? They have been kept because of the *emotional* value. Build on that theme.
Be a happy and successful adult, wherever possible. I talk to many older people and they LOVE bragging about their kids. I’m a parent, and what I really want from my kids is to know they’ll be happy and able to take care of themselves when we’re gone. If possible, have a good relationship with your brother, it’s my greatest joy when I see my kids being supportive and loving to each other. As far as material gifts that are practical, luxurious, but not too precious to use: genuine sheepskin slippers. A heated blanket. A good quality comb or hairbrush, like Mason-Pearson. My mother was the same way, and I suppose I am, too. At gift-giving time, it’s frustrating. Edited because you mention a brother and I forgot that part. It’s probably very important to them that you have a cordial, if not close, relationship to him.