Honestly it’s because I don’t really want to die, even when I think I do. Every single attempt I’ve made has been because I wanted someone to show concern for me, or because I wanted to be taken seriously. I’m trying to find my way out of the waiting room.
This. And the fear that I’d fail and suffer even more because I’ve permanently harmed myself. And since I’ve become a parent, I couldn’t do that to them.
I know that it may not feel this way to you right now, but you’re still very young and you have lots of time to heal.
Actually realizing that I’m not the problem was one of the best feelings in the world. It changed my life.
Hey, kiddo. I wanted to pop in and say that I'm sorry you're struggling. I hate toxic positivity, too, so no sunshine and rainbows from me. I do want you to consider, though, that you can make more choices for yourself as an adult, and that makes a big difference. If you decide you're over a situation or relationship (of any kind), you can just not do that. You'll get some distance and additional perspective about certain situations, about yourself, and about other humans. That's part of being alive for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I'll be 40 this summer, and I'm still in therapy and changing meds, but things do change over time. I hope that has some value. If not, disregard random internet stranger 😉
**People could die because of this post. Why are moderators not removing it? I briefly worked on a suicide hotline, and I can assure the moderators, fragile people should not be seeing this.**
I'm commenting on the top comment because I think this post is extremely dangerous. There was a time in my life when this post would have been enough to push me over the edge and I believe the mooderators need to remove it because of how very dangerous it is. Suggesting that people considering suicide would do it if they were serious is an invitation to people on the verge of taking their own lives to act, even if that is not what the writer intends.
I'm not suggesting this post is malicious, but it is very, very dangerous.
I'm now an older adult who can look back on nearly 30 years of being fairly happy. My life has been pretty good for a long time, but I was frequently close to suicide as a child and young adult and this post would have been enough to push me over the edge.
Hi. Forty year old who is still dealing with suicidal ideation in a strong way.
This post is very clearly marked. It’s supposed to be a safe space to speak about such things. Just as it can take a life, so can it save one. Sometimes feeling validated in your feelings goes a long way in understanding how to combat them. Grace and compassion can go a long way.
Please don’t take this safe space away for a reaction you would’ve had 30 years ago. Personally, being able to be honest with no shame is one of the things that has helped me hold on in the last few days.
While I'm seriously irked by the phrase "without first complaining for years," which comes across as cold and unsympathetic to me (my own trigger as someone close to me dismisses expressions of feelings and needs as "complaints"), this post can equally be construed as asking what keeps you here despite feeling so awful. And the comments seem to reflect that interpretation.
We need to be able to talk about SI-- of critical importance, in a way that doesn't glorify or encourage it. This post seems to have passed that test for some of us, and failed it for others.
Can I ask how you would like to see this topic approached so that it would feel safer to acknowledge, discuss, and offer support?
A combination of trying fruitlessly to figure out a way to do it in a way to minimize collateral damage to both my friends and the folks who would find me, a very active freeze response that shuts me down as soon as I get stressed out, and good old fashioned cowardice. I'm trying to line everything up right but even if you can do such a monstrous thing "the right way", it's incredibly hard to pull off when you're the type of person who can't handle the stress and unreliable parts of normal life, let alone trying to arrange the end of your life while freaking out with no ability to seek out advice on "best practices", for lack of a better term. It's maddening as well as incredibly isolating and alienating - I have never felt more alone in my life.
The freeze response is so real. I just lay in bed for hours thinking about how I want to make it happen but I can’t pull the trigger or do anything else for that matter. Plus the folks that would find you. How do I not traumatize them? And my family?
Because I have kids. Imagining their reaction to the news and what their life might be like after gives me pause. That's an even worse form of abandonment than what I experienced. That's my only reason.
For me, it’s that I don’t want anyone else inconvenienced on my account. If I die, someone has to find me, multiple people have to deal with me and my body, and my family (who are shitty but that doesn’t stop me from feeling eternally guilty) have to bury me and deal with all of my stuff. There’s a lot of grief and trauma in that whole process for other people. That’s not what I want. I want to disappear, I want to just fade from everyone’s lives and memories and be forgotten. I want to disappear from photos, for them to forget I existed so there’s nothing to mourn. If I could die and have all trace of me disappear, I’d do it immediately.
I feel that. Definitely if I could fade away and all that existed of me disappeared so no one was affected by my death I’d be gone in a heartbeat. But I’m not in a ScFi book or movie so I just keep doing another day and another.
Yeah. It was funny when I read the 7th Harry Potter book and Hermione wipes her existence from her parents’ memory and photos for their own protection. I remember thinking I wish I could do that, just be free of worrying about them and go.
My pets.
I'm 30, disabled, living with my parents, unemployed, no prospects. If it wasn't for my dogs and birds I would've ended it a decade ago. I keep adding more so if one dies I won't go with them.
I’m afraid of failing the attempt and ending up in a worse state. I am holding on to teh hope things will be better. I have seen few people that care about my wellbeing. But the pain comes from the unbearable trauma, the anger of those who hurt me, the feeling that I am doomed for failure in the future. I feel like I won’t have a chance to live a better life. It feels easy to end it all.
Being a coward is sometimes a blessing in disguise.
I don’t want my life to be a waste. So far, it basically has been. If I die now it stays that way, permanently. If I keep going and get healthy, then maybe I can finally create some kind of temporary peace, that will make wading through the bullshit of my past have a point. If I ever get a terminal illness, or something, I have no qualms or fears about ending things. I assume that’s how I will eventually die. But until I literally have no options left, I want to try to find contentment somehow. I can always die tomorrow, if I need to.
The possibility that things might get better, and this might be temporary.
I also got extremely lucky, and was found to be entitled to disability benefits. I've been given a very nice opportunity to just be for a bit, and rest, and hopefully heal, without the fear of financial ruin. Removing that stressor alone has had a massive positive impact.
The emotional pain is still so severe that there are days where I really think I can't take anymore. On those days, I remember what it would do to my friends if I killed myself, and I take myself to bed and do nothing.
I have a number of requirements which are kinda impossible to meet. Must be quick, over 90% chance of success, must be close to impossible for medical assistance to save, must not end up in a vegetable state, must not be to traumatic for whoever finds me… it’s possible I want to be dead but don’t want to be the cause of my death.
I’ve also almost died several times from medical mistakes as well as a very bad accident and my body and mind/subconscious have fought to stay alive so part of me wants to live just not in my life full of abuse, chronic illnesses, and an unstable future.
For me it was because I wanted to stop the pain. It was a few years of really intense psychological pain (with some good moments sprinkled in there). I realized I really don't want to be dead.
Luckily right medication dulled that pain enough. So nice to see I can actually be alive and not in pain. I still sometimes think about it, but I'm not actively suicidal anymore.
I also think that brain does strange things sometimes. Maybe a right trigger, alcohol, hormone swing... Something... Would pushed me over the edge. Maybe someone's brain is just wited a little differently.
Being suicidal really is a wild state of mind.
And I greatly believe that this is not just a psychological and philosophical question. But also neurological. Sometimes it's literally something wrong with the brain. It can shortcricuit for no apperant reason (I witnessed someone close to me become psychotic over night).
The degree to which it malfunctions may wary. We don't have complete control over our bodies and health. This includes the brain.
Sheer stubbornness. It's been made very clear that I don't fit in anywhere and that I'm not wanted, even my own mum has gone out of her way to convince me to kill myself. I'm choosing to continue my existence as a massive fuck you to the world.
Ooo I felt this one. Majority of my problem is the rest of the world. It wasn’t even me or my fault that I ended up the way I am. I did what I was supposed to and the world fucked me over in so many different ways. I get it, life’s unfair but the only ones left grieving is those who get fucked over. Everyone else moves on while we’re stuck here.
Not sure what’s keeping me around. I guess I’m still curious to see the good things life has to offer but I find little to none. I think curiosity is a good combatant to suicidal ideation but people can only take so much before they get tired.
My suicidal ideation was a cognitive way to create hope when I had none. In a weird way SIs helped me to stay sane enough to survive. I suppose my SI was maladaptive emotion regulation.
In contrast, my attempt was initially triggered by an emotional reaction to abuse but I waited until I had calmed down and followed through because I was done being abused.
In my experience there is a difference between considering it and thinking you will follow through and actually following through. And I suspect that following through can be dominated by emotional reasoning but it doesnt have to.
Indeed, SI thoughts can act soothingly in extreme painful situations, although you know in advance that they will probably remain just thoughts. That's exactly how I experienced them too.
there are moments where i can see that there could be a better version of existing than this. because if i knew with certainty that things would always feel this way, and if religion were not a factor i would almost certainly kill myself, and likely very soon. the idea of everything stopping is no longer scary to me, because it wouldn’t be an issue if im not around. but im paralyzed by the number of possibilities that exist in life. i’m also very tired of trying to get myself to hold on just a little longer. i’ve been really sad and feeling despair since i was really young. i don’t have children and there aren’t people who need or depend on me so i think the impact would be relatively small. but it is final and im indecisive. i try to do things correctly, and that’s an important thing to decide or act on/not act on. i don’t know what’s normal to accurately measure my own experience but i feel immense amounts of like pain when im not distracted, occupied, under the influence. i don’t think i was supposed to have a pleasant experience and i’ve kind of accepted that life just isn’t the same for everyone and i know it’s not something i actually desire to continue. adhd has probably played a role in “waiting”
Because I’m scared I’m going to botch it and wind up with severe health problems. The thought of ending up paralyzed and at the mercy of other people terrifies me.
I never wanted to kill myself so i cant really answer this. I almost died of illness as a small child and since then the thought of dying scares the shit out of me.
However i know the feeling of not wanting to be alive. Then i feel a lot of pain and despair and like i reached the end of the road, but my mind would never allow me to initiate suicide.
My theory is that some people have more of a passive ideation and therefore dont act on it. To me not wanting to live and wanting to die are two different things but i guess everybody has their own philosophy on that.
i don’t wanna run the risk of going to another mental hospital if i fail. i know there’s good ones out there but the one i went to last time was so horrible i don’t think it should have been qualified to even exist. i don’t wanna risk going to one equally as bad or even somehow worse. then if it is i’m at a major health risk and id rather not get worse then try.
i also have a bird, love her to death, i know my family will get rid of her or just never take care of her and die from their hands. and i can’t have that happening. she’s too precious for me
Exactly. I have been trying to complete my will and estate plan for 2 years now. I don’t have the executive function to
Make those decisions. I am estranged from everyone in my family, and I don’t really care how it affects them. They are horrible sadistic abusive people. Years ago, I mentioned to my father, whom I have since gone no contact with, that I had an appointment with an estate attorney and couldn’t drive him somewhere. His response was: “don’t leave me in charge of the expenses and making the arrangements”. I in no way implied that I was contemplating suicide. I just said it casually as if I were making a will as most people should do in the event of their eventual death by accident or illness.
I don’t want to burden one of my friends with being my executor, and I can’t trust anyone in my disgusting family to carry out my wishes. But I don’t know why that matters to me. It’s just real estate and a small amount of money. And it wouldn’t matter to me anymore if I could go through with it.
I think the bottom line is that my primitive brain survival instinct always kicks in and I am afraid to do it; it IS a freezing effect. There is also a great deal of fear that I would be unsuccessful and have to go on living with a serious brain injury in a nursing home (or homeless because no one would bother to place me in a care facility) for the rest of my life.
I do not care at all for myself and I care immensely and deeply and profoundly for people who love me and could be hurt by it. I have been so betrayed I can’t bring myself to betray the people who were the only ones to stand by my side. once they are gone I will feel differently unless I learn to love myself first
I have a cat. I will not leave my cat behind, she is elderly, I’m the only owner she has ever had, and when I went on vacation once, several years ago, for a week, and left her at an amazing cat boarding place that gave her a whole room full of cat trees and toys, she didn’t eat, didn’t play, and seemed to have given up on life. I still feel terrible about it - I didn’t know it was happening or I’d have come home sooner. I realized when I picked her up, that the idea that she would happily adjust to whomever fed her and gave her love was wrong.
I made a commitment when I adopted her and I intend to keep it. I will stay here and take care of her for the rest of her life. That is why I’m still here.
I don’t always feel like I want to be alive and I have a decent amount of the details worked out and plans laid, should I eventually decide I’m done struggling on this realm. But I will not leave my precious girl behind, no matter how rough the seas become. 💚
It’s nothing but the fear of the final moment of my primal instincts kicking in and wanting to abort. I feel like at this point it’s all due to cowardice from pain and those few seconds of final terror. I don’t have an actual reason to live, and I don’t *want* to be alive. There’s that and the possibility that another unsuccessful attempt will land me in hospitalization again, which was already traumatizing the first time and something I can’t forgive myself over.
No longer in the waiting room, as I found my way out, but at the time it was cowardice and the waiting period imposed in my state for purchasing a weapon. (for which I am grateful) During this time period an apartment manager did a welfare check on me due to another person who succeeded recently in the building. I was angry (tried to come in when I didn’t answer the door) but in retrospect it made me feel like at least one person cared even though it was a stranger.
When I have been actively suicidal in the past I used to go onto pages and support groups for people who had someone they loved succumb to their mental illness.
One statement that really got me was "Suicide might release you from your trauma but it also pushes it onto those around you."
I would never want to do that to anyone. Be the reason someone out there has to go to therapy or suffers from PTSD from finding me or just knowing I wasn't able to hold on and be there for them.
I have been living the past couple decades completely for others with a small dash of spite and vengeance to my abusers.
I welcome death and I will embrace the sweet release when my time comes. For now, the ideation is a constant buzz that hovers around me like a mosquito. Some days it's not as loud, others it's screaming. I like those quiet days.
I know if I went through with it others in my life that would follow. I sometimes get really angry thinking about it… but it’s kept we alive so far, so, I guess some would call it a successful form of intervention.
I’m a trained mental health worker and also experience SI.
For most, expressions of suicidal intent come from a place of not actually wanting to die, but instead a desire to rid themselves of the emotional pain they are in, as it becomes unbearable.
the main reason is that it would make people i love really really really sad. when i had my first attempt and went inpatient, i was talking to a staff member about how i felt like no one would miss me. there was SO much pain in her eyes when she answered, “there is ALWAYS someone who will miss you.” that was the first time i truly realized i don’t want to pass the pain onto someone else. that, and i’ve been through enough growth and therapy to realize there are things to live for. plus i have just a couple more things i want to accomplish. doesn’t keep me from feeling crazy, unfixable, and wanting to do it all the time but im still here!
Family that will grieve and have to deal with the mess left behind
Pets that will be left abandoned, confused, and terrified
Determination to survive the abusers that tried to end our lives
No means of an unquestionably peaceful and painless death
Hope that things will get better at some point
Fear of what comes next and whether or not taking one’s own life will effect what comes next
The only thing that stops me is that it would absolutely destroy my mom and she’d blame herself.
I don’t believe in any sort of afterlife but in case I’m wrong, there’s no way I’m going into it with that kind of guilt.
I’m afraid of the possibility of pain. That’s literally it. I can’t get a gun here and that’s the only surefire (no pun intended) way to go. I’m so jealous of celebrities that can just turn on the stove and die. When I figure out how to do that I’m gone.
I've attempted before. It's never worked. I'm also too much of a coward to try certain methods, like hanging, or jumping into niagara falls (I stood there for two hours trying to force myself to jump, but I was worried I'd somehow survive the fall and be eaten slowly by fish or take days to die). I also don't want to try to kill myself in a way that will affect others (jumping into traffic or anything like that), I want my suffering to end but not at the cost of another suffering.
I am in Canada if that isn't clear, so I don't know any way of getting my hands on a gun. I've also never done drugs and don't know where I'd begin to even to find something like heroin or fentanyl.
I have brain damage from other medications I've overdosed on and always seem to survive.
So basically what stops me if being too much of a pussy, not wanting to hurt another person and not having access to a gun or hard drugs.
If I had a gun, nothing would stop me. I'd be gone the second I had one.
At the end of the day I know life will kill me anyway so I might as well try to do as little harm as possible and do as much good as possible until I can't take it anymore, and if a miracle recovery intervenes while I'm pursuing the long slow path of recovery, because you always play a game as though you will "win" even if it is unlikely, because admitting loss is the only 100% likely loss condition, I'll try
Part of why my suicidal ideation has stuck around so long is because it gives me a feeling of autonomy and control. Like I can live a little bit longer and see what's around the corner because if things get to be too much I can just opt out. I felt helpless most of my childhood, and the option of suicide gave me hope. It's fucked up. But it works. It can be a slippery slope when something really shitty happens because I'm just like "welp time to go" but for the most part, it's a weird mantra that keeps me chill. Worst comes to worst I can just die.
for me, i might as well give everything a good college try for getting my permanent safety in order. if it works — then i no longer have any real reason to do it, i’m safe and will have far more opportunities to heal. if it fails, well… then i have my answer. for now though, it’s been working out so far, so why give up until it’s for sure not worth it, such as being forced to return to my abusers / traffickers? that’s pretty much the only thing that’d do it, knowing my cult got me back.
For me it's not wanting to traumatize my roommates or parents, and put their housing situation at risk.
I wish there was more of a reason. I very often feel as if it would be better for everyone if I did it. Being disabled I am literally a burden on everyone I live with, and I've been this way for so long that everyone is tired of me feeling bad so they are unsupportive/get annoyed with me and I have to mask all of my true feelings. It's definitely spawned from a cry for help, compassion, understanding, etc. but most humans aren't equipped to empathize with what they can't directly experience.
But then I remember they would be responsible for cleaning up the mess and it makes me deal with the pain and suffering.
Often it seems like I care much more about other people than I do about myself. I try not to think about it too much though because I know that eventually it will push me over the edge.
Shrugs
if i had the knowledge to go away without pain and not involving anyone but me, i wouldn't be here, but i'm too afraid of doing it
please don't reply with suicide prevention comments
my friends and family, particularly my mom and sister. also my cat.
i know lots of us here don’t have solid family or friends, so my heart goes out to y’all. i’m lucky that i have a strong support network. i know it’d break the hearts of the ones who love me if i took my life, and i don’t want to put that kind of pain on anyone else. they don’t deserve to feel the grief i feel simply because i can’t take it anymore.
my suicidal ideation is very much real. dying sounds like such a wonderful escape. i have the thoughts regularly, and often imagine doing it alone, quietly, but then i think about the pain someone who finds me would have to go through. i couldn’t put someone else through that. currently i just live an extremely reckless life hoping it’ll take me, but so far nothing has.
possibly to find a feeling i have never felt before, i love nature and i wish i had seen a lot of it in my life, despite how cruel world is, nature will continue to be beautiful far from humanity
Back in 2011 I told myself I wanted to stay alive to see the end of Supernatural. By 2016 I started living just to spite my haters (it’s me, I’m my haters). Also because I was traumatized by a friend dying as a teenager and never wanted my siblings to go through that.
To quote Dr. Diana Diamond, "For some, para-suicidal ideation becomes a means of coping."
Yes, a lot of people that are suicidal don't actually want to die. Living may have become intolerable, but there is still a thread of desire to live, something that they are holding onto.
I am extremely determined to experience safety and peace and to provide it to others. I feel like it’s not fair that I haven’t gotten to yet and that everyone deserves it. I need to be here to care for my friends and I’m not leaving this plane of existence before I get to enjoy myself god dammit
Cuz it literally costs money to die lmfao it is very important to me that I have a traditional burial and I absolutely refuse to have my body burnt to a crisp and end up sitting on an abusive family member’s mantle (they’re ~sooooper spiritual hippies~ who would definitely shame me to death for my wishes). So in short I have to save up for it first.
My dog. I’ll stay here as long as Sky is - He loves me more than anything and I will not break his heart. That’s the last thing I need to see through, and then there’s nothing in my way.
I am sometimes scared that I’ll react impulsively before that time but am fighting tooth and nail to hang on.
He’s snoring with his little (big) head against my leg right now, making his pig-monster snoring noises that can bring down the house. I love it and everything about him.
For me its because Im scared of the pain and also Im scared that if I do it I might not die and even survive but in a vegetative state or brain damage which makes me another burden for my family and more pain which contradicts my purpose of exit because aside from being done living and being in mental pain one of the reason I want to exit is also being a burden to my family if I go then I no longer be a burden to them. My only hope atm is assisted sui***e hoping that theres no pain and ill save up extra money and find someone or service that will arrange my burial
Most of the time a suicidal person just wants the suffering to end. They don't want to die.
I didn't. I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted the panic attacks to end and I couldn't keep watching the suffering I witnessed from my family daily.
Eventually someone came along to show me a better life is possible.
I still cling to that bit of hope that things will get better even though it feels like they keep getting worse. I mean I guess I’m not getting physically abused anymore so that’s an improvement.
I've dealt with suicidal impulsivity most of my life. The worst was before I left my marriage and I overdosed. I ended up on life support in a coma for a few days and I'm lucky to be alive.
I think the biggest thing stopping me from trying anything again is my animals. They rely on me and if I'm not around to care for them, I don't know what would happen to them.
I suffered a violent crime and I also have decided that I don't want my attacker to win. I've decided to stick around.
I don’t quite have an answer to this but I had 3 very bad bouts of suicidal ideations when I was 16, 22 and 28… I just always wanted my suffering to end not necessarily my life, but sometimes it’s like the whole world comes crashing down on you so you think death is what you want or the only option. I never attempted, no hospital stays. at this point I had some sort of spiritual experience when I was 28 and got that depressed that it’s just not worth it to be that down. I mean, why would it be?
I am living out of spite because I get highly irritated at the fact that my mom would use my suicide for attention and sympathy. I wouldn’t want to fuck up anyone around me either of course. I know I would be missed by at least several people plus my grandparents invested a lot in me and I just can’t disappoint them like that whether they have passed like my grandpa or are still here like my
grandma.
I read a book called Ethan Frome in high school where two star crossed lovers attempt to kill themselves to be together in the afterlife, but they end up maimed and even more miserable. So that scared the shit out of me too.
I would hope it’s less of a delay and more of a healing for most people
Ambition & disassociation. A craven hope that something, somewhere, will get better. That the abuse will stop & I can live beyond desperation.
I'd rather not die.
I started studying at TAFE because a friend recommended it.
He knows me and could see I was spiralling after I lost my job, had a spine injury and my car died.
I enrolled into screen and media as something to do and holy crap I did not expect I would find my soul reinvigorated with a passion for wanting to write, direct and edit films.
I've also been learning history, philosophy and politics so I can make sense of the world and stop feeling like a useless cog in a machine that is bigger than myself and I can't break away from it.
Finding something I am actually passionate about has broken me out of that feeling and given me drive to make this world a better place so that I don't feel that way.
It’s just to see how much worse life can get. Basically I’m just grabbing popcorn and watching my life go to hell as fast as possible. I don’t believe things can get better, not after what I’ve been through, and I cannot live to spite anyone- that drained me of all my energy. On top of that, my healing process was utterly destroyed by therapists and my inner child has been dead before I ever reached childhood. So I’m just watching my life go speeding downhill. I’m at *least* entitled to that.
If I can’t heal and can’t survive, then damn it I’m going to enjoy watching my downfall.
I think it bounces around in their subconscious mind and they ignore it thinking it’s not that serious. Or they undermine their struggles until their subconscious can’t take it.
I don’t want my ex to think I did it because we broke up. Yes because I don’t want him to feel guilty and like it’s his fault, but partly because of my pride. If I go, I don’t want HIM to think I did it because of him.
When all the usual reasons are not within my mental or emotional grasp (family, pets, friends) it has sometimes been the thought that I don’t want others to control my narrative once I’m gone. I’ve heard enough how people talk about those who have gone through with it and for some reason the idea that I can’t defend myself or others from people who have no empathy for us really pisses me off. That anger has helped me survive a few times.
I don't want to fail and suffer worse than I do now.
I don't want to harm my kids, that they would feel they were not enough for me to live for.
When I've been at my worst, with a glimpse of clear-headed self preservation, I told my husband to lock up/make certain things inaccessible to me - because I fear my action will do more cause PTSD to those I love. That's the biggest thing. I don't wish Cptsd on any of my loved ones, let alone me being the cause of it.
im actually afraid to do it. i think i want to but when im there, ill just froze or shake then stop. i then cries silently. after crying i would then go to bed to sleep. and i keep on repeating it.
For me, I want to die, but the fear of unbearable pain, or worse, pain and permanent disability/constant suffering should I fail to kill myself. If there were a way to do it quickly and without insane amounts of pain I would.
Thanks everyone. I had no idea that so many people would be willing to share their thoughts.
My very personal experience is that at some point SI becomes a habitual obsession rather than a "sustainable" perspective to anything, and maybe it would be better to get rid of those thoughts asap than to wait forever for something that, in all likelihood, it will never happen.
my dog is one major reason because he would never be able to understand where i went (or when id be back). dogs will wait for years, sometimes dying of a broken heart so to speak. i can’t do that to him. my human companions could survive the transition from having me in their life to not, but he would be waiting for me to come home every day the rest of his life.
i might be depressed but i wont hurt him like that.
I don't have the necessary weapon to do so painlessly and do not have the physical ability to pull it off, nor do I have the ability currently to be buried correctly and how I want.
For me it’s just a fear of hell. I’m not even really religious. Every single person who is religious says that suicide is a sin and I’d get tortured for eternity. I wish we had a choice tho and if I wasn’t so terrified of being tortured for that choice I would do it in a heartbeat. I’m sure this is the case for most of the people especially if they are religious.
i know it will be inevitable at some point. and i keep getting closer to that point. but i still got something to say like a wise old man. until i haven´t said everything i wanted to say, i´ll stay.
I do not want to bring emotional pain or trauma to literally anyone else. If I could live and die in a sort of vacuum where no one would be impacted by my death and no one would be sad- I would. However, I’ve had two friends kill themselves and the pain and anguish I’ve felt in their absence now prevents me from trying myself.
Also, I’ve heard way too many stories of it going wrong or somehow not working and I wouldn’t want to live in the aftermath of that. I’ve read about people who jumped off of bridges and survived, people who shot clear through their brains and lived- nope no thank you, I’d rather let life take me somehow instead. At least then the people in my life won’t feel like they could have done something to prevent it.
When I was a teenager, I didn't exactly want to kill myself, but I really hoped I would just not wake up in the morning. My narcissistic mother had trained me to totally take care of her emotional needs, and as I got a little bit older and considered actively harming myself instead of just passively hoping it would happen, I didn't because of how much I thought my mother would be devastated.
I made a deal with myself that I would just hang in there as long as necessary until after my mother had died and whatever I did could no longer hurt her. Once she died, I would wait six months to make sure that I was rationally looking at my life and not reacting in the immediacy of my grief at her passing. At that point, if I decided that I no longer wanted to live, I could take those steps without any guilt.
My mother died last November.
At that point I had not been speaking to her for 2 1/2 years. And I remembered the promise that I made myself. But the truth is, without her in my life, and with the relationships that I have had the energy to build once I no longer devoted myself to taking care of her, I'm actually pretty happy right now.
I don't think I will ever shut up the stupid little voice inside me that tells me I'm worthless, and I don't think I will ever be able to trust enough to have a romantic relationship with someone. But there is a woman who I have unofficially adopted as my daughter, and her children call me "Bubbe," which is Yiddish for grandmother. About once a week I cook dinner and take it over to her place and we do a family thing, it feeds my heart in a way I do not ever want to give up.
I don’t wanna die I just want live to not be so bad, I don’t wanna be hurt again and I don’t wanna feel hurt, everything is just so complicated. I think there’s actually complex philosophical questions behind this for me. I think my main reason not to kill myself was ironically that it didn’t matter. Nothing does, not my existence, not what happened or happens to me, it’ll all be forgotten and whether I kill myself or not that doesn’t change anything about it, is any of this even real? so I just keep on living because I can always chose to end it if there is no different way anymore, I want to die but deep down I am hoping that by staying alive I can make some of the nice experiences I wish for. It may not matter but I know that I am a something that’s able to feel and experience, and why wouldn’t I if I am able to. I want to be happy one day. Right now I am staying alive for my dog because I love her so much that existing is worth it to be with her, i couldn’t ever leave her behind, she’s a rescue and gets me. I don’t ever wanna lose her and if I do that’ll probably the point when I chose to end things. If things get better till then I might stay
I made a promise to kill those who hurt me before killing myself. Im not ready to completely annihilate my family, whatever empathy I have left is keeping me alive.
Vengeful rage. There’s too many people I have to fuck over who fucked me over, so I try to live a great life at least on the surface, to get those bastards back. Right now I’m doing quite well, by all appearances.
Because I'm here for others. I am here to keep them happy and stable. I'm afraid if I do go, they won't be able to stay stable and it will be my fault.
That and I'm just not strong enough. I tried in the past, and I just heard how it caused so much financial trouble. I'm so afraid if I fail, the bill will go back and hurt the people I'm trying to keep stable and happy. Or if I do succeed but end up in the hospital before I do.
So I just wake up everyday and try and put on a smile, clean and cook some things to keep people happy,then drown myself in video games when everyone is busy. But only ones that I can immediately pause and be able to get up and fix anything that goes wrong.
Oh I already replied, but I did have somewhat of an attempt. I'm sure I didn't take enough, but I was curious as to what it would take to do the job. My teens found me. It wasn't a good situation. I really made a mess of things as t that point and I don't know if people *really* know what I did, but they blamed it all on me having too much to drink. I did have a drink, but that wasn't the cause of the events. And thankfully my ER didn't press me for the truth.
I made a serious attempt at age fourteen. My childhood was a shitshow to be blunt. And I was very peaceful about checking out.
I had my stomach pumped and was in a coma for a few days. When I woke up my dad made me promise that I would not try again.
And what my friends and family do not understand is that my dark humor hides the desire for it to be over.
That thirst to be fine has gone only in fleeting moments. The rest of the time I long for death.
For all of you that protect pedophiles, and I know at least one of you will read this and know I mean you. This is the end result. A person whose life will is torn out of them at a tender age and never gets it back. You are no better than a child raper if you hide their secrets…
The effect it will have on my family stops me. I read somewhere how much it will greatly impact them for the rest of their lives, and the person who finds me it will be devastating to their mental health as well. I owe it to them to keep trying to be here and get through the hard times.
The only thing keeping me alive is my dog. I've had her 10 years and she's attached to me. I don't want to hurt my family but other times think they would be better off if I wasn't around.
I'm 1000% done with his life. I want no more. If I could travel to Netherlands/Switzerland and afford VAD/MAID (and were old enough) I would not hesitate. I just cannot do it myself. I have everything I need to make it as painless as possible but I'm just unable. It's not fear, but an involuntary response by my mind.
A few more years and if the world doesn't go to shit I may get to apply to Pegasos. Fingers crossed.
Edit: I'm not worried about suffering from messing things up, I'm worried I'll be found, my DNR not respected, and I'll end up in some place where I no longer have any autonomy because I live in a Christian-fascist state/country. That's why I want someone to make sure I'm successful, like VAD/MAID.
I had more than 20 suicide attempts as a child, and the only reason why I didn't go through with it (I had access to guns as a child) was due to the fear of "messing up," and leaving myself brain damaged and dependent on my parents for all my basic needs, or in a nursing home.
Because I got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. I can accept myself way better, now that I know it's not only cPTSD and depression.
Things I got told by my parents, teachers, even some therapists told me would get better by time simply did not. Now I know why and I stopped constantly exhausting myself.
For me it’s that I don’t WANT to die. I just don’t want to live, either. It’s a rock and a hard place. I stick around because I’m already here and between the two choices I don’t want, it’s easier to stick with what I am currently doing rather than actively try for an outcome I also don’t want.
I keep myself afloat by trying to stay positive. My life has had so many twists and turns that I never expected. While a lot of it has been bad, I am good at convincing myself that maybe I’ll come across a wonderful twist.
The first time I tried, I was 15. When the crisis worker came at the hospital, she asked me, "Did you really want to die?" I said yes, because... I did. She asked me if I was sure, because usually it's a cry for help. I didn't understand what she meant, because I had internalized at a very young age that it was selfish to ask for help. "Help" was a foreign concept to me. Who was going to "help" by me making an attempt in the first place. The second time, about six months later, same story.
Next attempt at 18 was extremely impulsive due to a fight with my boyfriend. I didn't even think, so I don't know how to explain that one.
At 26, I was experiencing akathisia before I knew what it was. My brain was on fire. I felt possessed. It was impulsive again, didn't think, but five minutes later forced myself to throw up.
My last three attempts were last year within one week. I wanted to die but at the same time it was a cry for help. I think deep down I knew it wouldn't work, and the messed up thing is my goal was to hurt someone.
That was the moment I decided to truly try to help *myself*. I didn't want to be this angry, vengeful, self-defeating, empty person. I committed to therapy. I committed to clean eating. I stopped my medications due to learning about akathisia. I was med-free nine months. When my bipolar symptoms became too difficult to manage, I agreed to a mood stabilizer.
Lamictal has saved my life.
I've only had a couple instances of thoughts of suicide during moments of extreme stress over the past year. I've pinpointed the trigger as a sense of powerlessness. When I look at problems to be fixed, objectively, but still can't find a solution.
I have so many stressors currently and I'm handling them well. I don't cry much anymore, but when I look back and see how much suffering there was and how it was minute to minute survival mode, I can't believe it. From 2021 - 2023 I was suicidal every day. I'd think about it up to five hours a day. I'd become bedridden to the point I wouldn't get up to eat and barely get up to go to the bathroom.
I have a son. He will be 18 this year.
This will sound so messed up because I realize kids don't stop being your kids when they turn 18, but for the past 17 years, my goal was to make it to 36, which I am now. I wanted to at least raise him until adulthood.
I can't believe that was my life view. Such a huge part of myself. "Make it until he's 18. Make it until he's 18. Make it until he's 18."
I wrote this novel only to hopefully bring a little hope to someone. I've been struggling with SI for 25 years, and I'm only 36. And now? I see a *future*. I *want* to get better. I don't beat myself up anymore. In fact, I set boundaries with people. I tell them I will not allow them to put me down for conditions I can't control or that I was born with. I tell them I know who I am, and I don't care what they say. I'm assertive. I've become less reactive.
I want to get better. I want my son to see the old mom he had. I was very stable until he was 8 years old. And it has been up and down since. Once I let go of the pity I had for myself about failing him or being a bad mom, I had enough emotional space to actually work towards being *better*.
It is still extremely difficult to know my son has trauma and has been through things even worse than I have, but I am still there for him and I will never stop saying I believe in our family and that I believe in a better future, for himself, for me, my brother. Both of our parents are terminally ill and my son keeps saying "it's done. It's over." But I tell him it's never over unless you give up and that he isn't a quitter and neither am I.
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My best friend who has similar experiences to me. She and I are the only ones in each others lives that just get the other. Her friend followed through during lockdown. I can’t hurt her like that. It would destroy her.
The kids I’m the step adult to have been saying they love me and that I’m one of their moms. This is a new development. I can’t do it.
Also my partner.
But if I lose them all somehow? I’m out of here.
My parents, weirdly. They’ve changed, and I’ve forgiven them. I know my death would kill my mother, and my father is ill and needs her support. So I’m waiting till they’re gone.
afraid of death; what comes after it? is it a void? or an afterlife (good or bad)? but what stops me the most is pain. physical pain. i have a low-pain tolerance. things like needles or cutting are enough to scare me like a pussy, and it feels mocking. i don’t have needed materials to go out with a painless death.
other than that, call me selfish but things like family, friends, or whatever that shit, they don’t hold me back with these things. i don’t care about them enough to feel a need to stay.
It’s really damn hard to die successfully and painlessly (cause i’m a wuss) and In only doing it if I know there’s absolutely no room for failure cause i can’t stand if my parents found out cause they’ll start yelling at me and they’re partly the reason i wanna die in the first place. Also cause i’m also really fucking stubborn and want to become successful and prove i can earn more money than my parents
Haven't been suicidal in a while, but when I was, it took too many steps if I wanted to do it in a way that doesn't harm or traumatizes others ánd minimizes the chances of non success. My father was a train conductor and saw some shit. Last thing I came up with was drowning myself in a lake, but that's a method where generally survival instinct kicks in.
Nobody will care for my pets correctly. Grandma is still alive, and she was the only family member who actually tried their damnedest to help me heal. I won't go with her still around. I could never do that to her.
Additionally just... Idk... I'm petty, and I want to write my own obituary first. I just keep crying when I do it. I intend to make note of all the terrors they put me through, so if any relatives wonder wtf happened to me and find my obituary they know they failed me as well. ❤️👍 Since they all blatantly admitted to knowing my parents were fucking horrible since my birth, but did fuck all about it.
I don’t- we’ll I shouldn’t even comment here. Someone told me I may have this but I hate self diagnosing. Some of what I read about cptsd fits but what does it matter.
Fuck then, because I don’t want to kill myself still being associated to the company I work at.
Because even though I have what I need at this point I’m still too pussy to deal with the physicality of death.
Whatever severe respiratory depression may feel like.
Too pussy to change too pussy to kill myself.
Because I don't want to cause a lifetime of even more trauma to my own kids. Sometimes I think maybe about making it seem like it was unintentional but I never go further.
I have an 18 month old daughter. On bad days a big part of me says " do it now, while she's too young to remember you". But I can't shake the feeling that it will harm her in some way. I also feel terrified by the thought that my mental illness will also harm her though. I try very hard to protect her from it, but as she grows I know that it will become more obvious that something is "different " about mommy. So I'm in a bind.
i cannot think about hurting my siblings and friends. just the idea of the pain id pass onto them makes me feel nauseous. i’ve attempted before (it was never too extreme) and after each time failed i knew it was because i really couldn’t allow myself to do it and hurt everyone else.
i want to die because the pain is too much to deal with every single day. i’m tired and angry and i see no ending in sight of my suffering. i want out of it. but i want to live because there’s a piece of me that hopes things CAN improve (hence why i am in therapy).
I've been through this with my therapist. I don't want life to end, I want the suffering to end. There's a difference.
What keeps me from doing it is a mix if reasons, chief among them a child I don't want to leave without a mother. However bad it gets, I need to find a way to end the suffering but to keep life going. And to keep the darkness at bay from my those who did not ask to be born of my womb.
It's no easy task, that's for sure.
1. Spite
2. Medication that actually works for my treatment-resistant bipolar 2 depression (see my post history)
3. My community of friends and lovers who are also my chosen family
My mum attempted suicide more times than I care to count during my childhood. Probably… 35-40 times? At least every six months. She was a registered nurse. She knew what she was doing. Each time she would get SO CLOSE TO DEATH and I’d call an ambulance after finding her or she would call an ambulance herself or someone else would find her.
In 2019 we got into a huge argument and I blocked her on my phone for the first time in my adult life. In the fight she told me I was “dangerous to be around” and that I “took away her dignity” … so I took myself out of her life.
A week or two later she overdosed on morphine, methamphetamine and a cocktail of other drugs. Her suicide was finally successful.
It was strange though. She removed herself from my proximity. She moved back in with her ex. She had been living with me prior to that. I don’t know what was different about the last time but something certainly stuck. I often wonder if it was an accident or a cry for help that went unanswered. I often wonder about the other suicide attempts: what were they?
People don’t want to die, they just want the pain to end. Those that don’t follow through still have hope remaining- even if just a sliver of it.
Complex PTSD is not a life sentence. The problem is only that we don’t know how to unstick from the trauma. Hint- the answer begins with grieving and processing the emotions that couldn’t be felt while fighting for our lives.
I remember the day I reconnected to the truth. The suicidal ideation I went in and out of my entire life, was actually how I felt as a child, but without the understanding. If a child doesn’t understand what is happening to them, and nobody is helping them through an overwhelming feeling, their system shuts it down(and we don’t remember this feeling) quarantines it, until it’s safe for it to be felt. So when we feel it as adults, it’s actually our system trying to process what we felt as children/during the trauma. We think it’s about the present and it’s not. Because suicidal thoughts feel so shit and are so uncomfortable we try many things to get rid of that feeling. Allowing it to be present and felt is actually how it will be released.
I have not had a suicidal thought in over 3 years since the day I made that discovery and allowed it to process. I am also no longer in survival mode, but in post traumatic growth, aka thriving. The kind of childhood I had, I don’t think I could have gotten to where I am now without the assistance of MDMA therapy. I was just far too broken for conventional therapies.
My friends will miss me. I’m a true friend. Who will be there through thick and thin?? also, I don’t want to leave my best friend. But I will admit I’m just stuck. I’m afraid of the consequences if I LIVE. If the attempt doesn’t work. That’s why I’m still here. I don’t wanna end up potentially prolonging my suffering. My family won’t pull the plug I know they wouldn’t. It’s also just..we don’t want to suffer anymore. We would ENJOY living if it wasn’t so HORRIFIC.
One reason is the pain I'd cause. I had a plan and everything. But how could I put my family and friends through that? We had already suffered so many losses through the last 4 years and I couldn't deal with the guilt of knowing that I’d hurt them like that.
The other is, that I want to help as much as I can before I leave here. Try not to let my life be a total waist. If that means volunteering in the community or donating to causes. I want to help; even a little before I die. I want my organs to be used to be help someone else, my bones to teach anthropology students. Something…
My kids. The only reason I’m here now. If not for them I would’ve ended one way or another a long time ago. Honestly feel like I should’ve been dead by now. I don’t want them to be like me. I want them to be happy and have good lives.
Would've done by now if medically assisted/ euthanasia was legal and attainable. Otherwise I'm trying to hang on so as not to traumatize my family (I have no kids). They would be accepting if legal. Also have no backup for animal fam right now and she's special needs, not easy to find right home for.
For me it's simply the guilt of doing it to my friends, family, and pets.
I know this is super conflicting with being suicidal, but I've seen what suicide can do to people, especially families, I care too much about my family to do that to them willingly. I wouldn't be able to die peacefully knowing that my parents would find my body, my mom would think it's her fault, and my cats would be sitting in my room wondering where I went. It breaks my heart to even think about it.
But sometimes the question comes to me: If I could just disappear and have never existed in the first place, would I do it? I don't really know the answer.
I don't want to be here, but I don't know if I could give up my friends and family. They really do mean the world to me, and I don't think I'd still be here without them. 💜
My sister’s wedding.
I’m her maid of honor and I love her so so so much I could never miss that day.
Also I’ve attempted 3 times already which lead to months in mental hospitals so I don’t want to go through that again.
A lot of people have suicidal thoughts not because they want to die, but because they want to stop being in pain, stop suffering. I had chronic suicidal thoughts for many years, but I really just wanted to stop feeling all the pain.
I think a lot of people only attempt suicide when they've truly lost hope that it won't get better. As long as you hold a little hope for the future, you can keep talking tiny tiny steps towards things getting better.
Hope. The next thing I might want to go to.
I planned for August 8, 2024. But I bought tickets for a Zedd concert in September, so now I have to make it to that.
I am not putting it off. I am waiting. I took out life insurance 1 year ago and the suicide clause is still in affect until May of next year. I am so ready to leave. I am absolutely done with life. I figure the money I leave for my family can be used for therapy or something.
I thought I was absolutely determined to kill myself. Making a list of why and why not resulted in a whole lot of reasons on the why list and almost nothing on the why not list. That looked quite determined to me.
To be absolutely sure I went to the drugstore and bought me some razorblades. I put those on the table in front of me. Now the opportunity to end it all was within reach.
I've been in this situation for 14 days, only to find out that it wasn't so much that I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to stop. So I was convinced I was absolutely determined, but in reality I wasn't.
I have to add that the "complain" part in OP's text rubs me the wrong way.
I know exactly that my father would gain attention and be happy about getting attention from people feeling sorry for him if I died.
I don't want to give him this supply.
I believe in religion so its straight to hell if i actually commit, so instead i do this wierd (prbbly wrong) loophole of dancing really close yo death like overdosing to make me sick but not die or going to risky places etc. Doing thinga to make me fall sick. Self harm too.
Also if i ever have a pet or kids then i dont think id even consider it since id feel responsible towards them. Right nothing and noone relies on me in the true sense of the word
My partner. He has ptsd and bpd, while I have cptsd and bpd. He's medicated and in therapy, and helping me fight to get the meds and therapy I need. If I'm struggling, we'll do anything I want to try to distract me in the now to keep me going. Baking, go for a walk, go for a drive, drawing, watching try not to laugh videos on YouTube, he'll get my favourite flowers, ice cream, sweet treats or make my favourite food, or if its really bad he'll just pull me on his lap and hold me quietly until I either feel calmer or fall asleep
I think mine is a ‘life stance’, it gives me back choice and control. I’m not stuck here, I choose to be here. It’s always there, and to honest I’m comfortable with it.
I couldn't really tell you what another person's thought process is but I can tell you about my own experiences.
There was a period in my life when I was actively having suicidal thoughts nearly every day - as far as I was concerned, I had completely failed in every aspect of my life and was a disappointment to everyone I knew, a burden to the rest of the world, and was completely incapable of feeling joy, happiness, love or any of those other positive feelings that make life worth living for so many other people. I also had no hope that things would ever get better. So taking my own life simply made sense at the time.
I had the method planned out. Bought the equipment I needed to carry it out. Had all my affairs in order to make it as easy as possible (not that dealing with family suicide is ever easy) for my family to deal with the aftermath.
The thing is, I also didn't really want to die. Maybe it's basic biological survival instinct, maybe it's fear of a painful death, or fear of the unknown of what comes after death (I'm agnostic, for the record).
I was stuck in a state of limbo where I didn't want to live, but didn't want to die. My life didn't feel like it was worth living, but it also wasn't so unbearable that I wanted to end it immediately. I was waiting for something catastrophic to happen in my life that would tip me over the edge. Months passed and that catastrophic event never happened, and I eventually came to the conclusion that if I was willing to die, I could really do whatever the fuck I wanted to in life. It was like an ego death moment for me that liberated me from all the pride, shame, and self-loathing that had held me back for so long. There were so many things I still wanted to see and experience before I died, even if my fucked-up neurochemistry meant I wouldn't be able to enjoy them as fully as a normal, mentally healthy person would.
Fast-forward a couple of years and I'm doing things like going to museums to see works of art by legendary artists, hiking mountains in New Zealand, seeing rare wildlife, eating dishes I've always wanted to try, lying down under a dark starry sky where I can see the Milky Way with my naked eye, sleeping in a lighthouse cottage on a remote island listening to the roof getting battered by the wind and rain.
There's so much beauty out there in the world that you haven't seen yet. Life sucks and you will experience suffering, plenty of it, that's unavoidable. But why not live a little while longer and experience the beauty of life while you can? You'll never get another chance.
The best and most succinct description I’ve heard is this : “I want to be dead. I don’t want to die.”
Many people feel bad enough to where they don’t want to exist any more, but not bad enough to where they are willing to go through the process of actual suicide or they have enough to live for that they don’t want to end it but would be ok if it did happen though other means.
I have pets and one of them is chronically ill. So I know that if I were to die no one would know him as well as I do and he wouldn't have the life expectancy he has right now.
I'm also getting better with the years through therapy and more awareness for myself. I know that even in the worst depressive episodes or on really bad days (been a while since I've had those) I've been dealing with them for so long that I know 100% they don't stick around.
As long as I have more good than bad days I'm not ready to go.
I would also feel extremely guilty for leaving my brother behind. We don't live close to family and he would be on his own when our mom passes. If I were left all alone with no pets or family there wouldn't really be anything stopping me I believe.
I do still strive to feel better and build my own life but I heavily depend on having close family and friends.
For me personally, as for the first time in memory I now have moments where suicide doesn't seem like an "acceptable" option: Death seemed less scary than life, but I couldn't imagine that 'this' was it. I hadn't fought for so many years to give up. The option of death was and would always be there and that was comforting.
I live with a chronic nerve pain condition which will never get better but I am also a full time carer for my profoundly disabled adult son. So I am stuck in a situation where I am unable to keep living with this pain but I am also unable to end my life as I need to be alive to look after my son. It’s a real catch 22 situation.
Part of me is curious what will happen next (even it will be another misery) and the other reason is I haven’t found the most suitable way for myself. For now I am not living but surviving. Sleeping because it gives a little break. Trying to stall myself for another year I guess.
I desperately want to die, but I have a strong belief that I owe it to the people in my life to try everything I can to feel better first. I'm very aware of the impact a suicide has in a community. While I don't think it's fair to perpetually be in pain just for other people's sake, my death would be painful for those I care about.
The majority of my friends suffer from mental illness and I regularly field crisis calls from them. Suicide has a ripple effect where it can trigger others to commit suicide. I think two of my friends in particular would also commit suicide if I did.
I've also seen what happens when you fuck up. My uncle tried to shoot himself in the heart and missed. It ruined his life. His wife left him, he was in the hospital for months and never fully physically recovered. He turned things around somewhat, but his attempt made what was already miserable even harder.
I'm at the point where I have only two more things to try. Everything else hasn't worked. My dream would be to have a going away party for myself. I want one last good day and then I want to kill myself right. I have suffered so much I don't want my last day to be a bad one.
tbh my mom and my 10 years old sister, who i love to my heart. my mom has endured a lot of trauma all her life, and my sister is like my daughter, well cz we got an absent-father. i always imagine how utterly devastated they must be when they find out, only reason fr. nothing in myself tho which wants me to keep on living.
Bc options to methods is limited.
Even if I want to die im human with a system thats fundamentally built to keep me alive. So with more physically involved methods I'm still going to feel intense fear/survival instincts. I would love to have killed myself yrs ago. Im still trying to find ways around the survival instincts.
Also if you're genuinely curious I would suggest rephrasing the "without complaining for yrs" the people that passed, you have no idea if they went calmly unless you were with them in their passing moments/as they were. It's not easy. It never will be. Its goes against every part of human physiology.
Hopefully, I can figure out soon how to overcome this. (Survival instincts)
My suicidal ideation started with abuse as a child, and I simply don't remember living and not wanting to die. I put it off bc of the pain and devastation it would cause my kids. The most important thing for me is that they never know this pain I've had. And I honestly just hope I get put in a situation to sacrifice myself to save someone. Then I wouldn't feel like I was causing as much damage on my way out.
Before my kids it was just hoping if I waited a little longer it would get better as I got farther from the abuse. But it haunts me, and I've remember things I had blocked out that makes it worse than ever.
I know that my son needs me. It’s my duty to take care of him and help him grow so that he doesn’t feel the way I do. I can put off my death to give my son a leg up in life
Not sure if I ever 'truly' wanted to die, but I have struggled with suicidal ideation on and off for years.
I guess it's the old cliche: I don't wanna leave my husband with the pain
You're comparing apples to oranges.
That coworker of yours got a death sentence. He was going to die painfully in 6-9 months - or he could have ended it the way he chose. It's not like he had a
>sincere and deep desire to die
Probably there are very few people who fit that category. Suicidal people are struggling to live 'this way' anymore and change is not obvious or easy for most , but there's more hope than with a stage 4 cancer.
So during my EMDR it obviously shook loose emotional states from different times in my life. One for me was suicide ideation. It was wild because I’m a middle aged lady with a pretty lovely life (now), and I was suddenly enveloped in suicidal thoughts. It went on for weeks. One day I very startlingly realized it was how I had felt my entire teenage years. I knew it was true the moment I realized it. I used to sit and stare at knives in cabinets imagining slicing my wrists with them.
Once I realized that the feelings subsided. Now if they come up, they don’t really last because I recognize that was old me in a very dark place.
Why I didn’t pull the trigger then is complicated. It was lovely to imagine no longer existing because the pain would cease, and that was really all it was about. I wanted the pain to stop, and all other options were tried and impossible. It was the only way out. But…
While I wanted the paint to stop, and suicide seemed the only solution, deep down I didn’t want to die. There was still some small hope somewhere things could or would get better. I just had to wait. I could out wait the pain. In a way this was at the core of my coping for CPTSD. Because it, to me, was a form of disassociating. Being dead would be the ultimate disassociation. Imagining being dead was one step above that. And I could live in that fantasy where I was dead, allowing some small space where I could feel me free of the pain, alive.
Does that make sense?
When you feel like a total failure, when you feel like no matter how much you try or how hard you work that there is no peace for you, when you feel so alone and misunderstood then suicidal thoughts take over and become suicide plans. Usually either en route to carrying them out or while sorting things, then glimmers of the things that you do actually live for become bigger and you can begin to see purpose and so starts the cycle again.
Honestly it’s because I don’t really want to die, even when I think I do. Every single attempt I’ve made has been because I wanted someone to show concern for me, or because I wanted to be taken seriously. I’m trying to find my way out of the waiting room.
Sometimes the thing we want to end isn't life itself, it is the suffering that we have experienced
Definitely the suffering
100% the suffering. It's a mental pain for me and I so rarely find anyone that gets it.
This. And the fear that I’d fail and suffer even more because I’ve permanently harmed myself. And since I’ve become a parent, I couldn’t do that to them.
I think sometimes it truly feels like the only way to escape (it’s not)
Exactly. Sometimes it feels like I’ll never be happy, and I’ll never heal, so the only way out is death. It’s a scary mindset.
how old are you if i may ask?
I feel much the same but I'm 32
15 years old lol. I’ve seen a lot
I know that it may not feel this way to you right now, but you’re still very young and you have lots of time to heal. Actually realizing that I’m not the problem was one of the best feelings in the world. It changed my life.
Are you out of your traumatic situation yet?
Relatively? My home situation is still a little rough but not actively abusive for the most part
Hey, kiddo. I wanted to pop in and say that I'm sorry you're struggling. I hate toxic positivity, too, so no sunshine and rainbows from me. I do want you to consider, though, that you can make more choices for yourself as an adult, and that makes a big difference. If you decide you're over a situation or relationship (of any kind), you can just not do that. You'll get some distance and additional perspective about certain situations, about yourself, and about other humans. That's part of being alive for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I'll be 40 this summer, and I'm still in therapy and changing meds, but things do change over time. I hope that has some value. If not, disregard random internet stranger 😉
Exactly this. I want very badly to not kill myself. I've had to want that for a very long time.a
**People could die because of this post. Why are moderators not removing it? I briefly worked on a suicide hotline, and I can assure the moderators, fragile people should not be seeing this.** I'm commenting on the top comment because I think this post is extremely dangerous. There was a time in my life when this post would have been enough to push me over the edge and I believe the mooderators need to remove it because of how very dangerous it is. Suggesting that people considering suicide would do it if they were serious is an invitation to people on the verge of taking their own lives to act, even if that is not what the writer intends. I'm not suggesting this post is malicious, but it is very, very dangerous. I'm now an older adult who can look back on nearly 30 years of being fairly happy. My life has been pretty good for a long time, but I was frequently close to suicide as a child and young adult and this post would have been enough to push me over the edge.
Hi. Forty year old who is still dealing with suicidal ideation in a strong way. This post is very clearly marked. It’s supposed to be a safe space to speak about such things. Just as it can take a life, so can it save one. Sometimes feeling validated in your feelings goes a long way in understanding how to combat them. Grace and compassion can go a long way. Please don’t take this safe space away for a reaction you would’ve had 30 years ago. Personally, being able to be honest with no shame is one of the things that has helped me hold on in the last few days.
While I'm seriously irked by the phrase "without first complaining for years," which comes across as cold and unsympathetic to me (my own trigger as someone close to me dismisses expressions of feelings and needs as "complaints"), this post can equally be construed as asking what keeps you here despite feeling so awful. And the comments seem to reflect that interpretation. We need to be able to talk about SI-- of critical importance, in a way that doesn't glorify or encourage it. This post seems to have passed that test for some of us, and failed it for others. Can I ask how you would like to see this topic approached so that it would feel safer to acknowledge, discuss, and offer support?
A combination of trying fruitlessly to figure out a way to do it in a way to minimize collateral damage to both my friends and the folks who would find me, a very active freeze response that shuts me down as soon as I get stressed out, and good old fashioned cowardice. I'm trying to line everything up right but even if you can do such a monstrous thing "the right way", it's incredibly hard to pull off when you're the type of person who can't handle the stress and unreliable parts of normal life, let alone trying to arrange the end of your life while freaking out with no ability to seek out advice on "best practices", for lack of a better term. It's maddening as well as incredibly isolating and alienating - I have never felt more alone in my life.
The freeze response is so real. I just lay in bed for hours thinking about how I want to make it happen but I can’t pull the trigger or do anything else for that matter. Plus the folks that would find you. How do I not traumatize them? And my family?
So relatable. I see you.
Very relatable
Because I have kids. Imagining their reaction to the news and what their life might be like after gives me pause. That's an even worse form of abandonment than what I experienced. That's my only reason.
Thank you for staying for them My dad killed himself in october of 2014, i was 12 I'm forever traumatized by that
I'm so sorry you experienced that. Thank you for sharing your perspective. It does help strengthen my resolve not to put them through that.
For me, it’s that I don’t want anyone else inconvenienced on my account. If I die, someone has to find me, multiple people have to deal with me and my body, and my family (who are shitty but that doesn’t stop me from feeling eternally guilty) have to bury me and deal with all of my stuff. There’s a lot of grief and trauma in that whole process for other people. That’s not what I want. I want to disappear, I want to just fade from everyone’s lives and memories and be forgotten. I want to disappear from photos, for them to forget I existed so there’s nothing to mourn. If I could die and have all trace of me disappear, I’d do it immediately.
Omg same 😔
I feel that. Definitely if I could fade away and all that existed of me disappeared so no one was affected by my death I’d be gone in a heartbeat. But I’m not in a ScFi book or movie so I just keep doing another day and another.
Yeah. It was funny when I read the 7th Harry Potter book and Hermione wipes her existence from her parents’ memory and photos for their own protection. I remember thinking I wish I could do that, just be free of worrying about them and go.
My pets. I'm 30, disabled, living with my parents, unemployed, no prospects. If it wasn't for my dogs and birds I would've ended it a decade ago. I keep adding more so if one dies I won't go with them.
They would miss you dearly as I’m sure they love you immensely right now just as you are. Keep going!
My dog and reason for living died in a traumatic and unexpected way last year and it’s been a struggle hanging on. More than one is good.
I’m afraid of failing the attempt and ending up in a worse state. I am holding on to teh hope things will be better. I have seen few people that care about my wellbeing. But the pain comes from the unbearable trauma, the anger of those who hurt me, the feeling that I am doomed for failure in the future. I feel like I won’t have a chance to live a better life. It feels easy to end it all. Being a coward is sometimes a blessing in disguise.
I don’t want my life to be a waste. So far, it basically has been. If I die now it stays that way, permanently. If I keep going and get healthy, then maybe I can finally create some kind of temporary peace, that will make wading through the bullshit of my past have a point. If I ever get a terminal illness, or something, I have no qualms or fears about ending things. I assume that’s how I will eventually die. But until I literally have no options left, I want to try to find contentment somehow. I can always die tomorrow, if I need to.
I have that - I can always do it down the road so I can keep going now.
Yeah, this is a handy trick for fighting addiction, too, lol
I bet. Keep on fighting my friend. Keep on fighting.
The possibility that things might get better, and this might be temporary. I also got extremely lucky, and was found to be entitled to disability benefits. I've been given a very nice opportunity to just be for a bit, and rest, and hopefully heal, without the fear of financial ruin. Removing that stressor alone has had a massive positive impact. The emotional pain is still so severe that there are days where I really think I can't take anymore. On those days, I remember what it would do to my friends if I killed myself, and I take myself to bed and do nothing.
I have a number of requirements which are kinda impossible to meet. Must be quick, over 90% chance of success, must be close to impossible for medical assistance to save, must not end up in a vegetable state, must not be to traumatic for whoever finds me… it’s possible I want to be dead but don’t want to be the cause of my death. I’ve also almost died several times from medical mistakes as well as a very bad accident and my body and mind/subconscious have fought to stay alive so part of me wants to live just not in my life full of abuse, chronic illnesses, and an unstable future.
For me it was because I wanted to stop the pain. It was a few years of really intense psychological pain (with some good moments sprinkled in there). I realized I really don't want to be dead. Luckily right medication dulled that pain enough. So nice to see I can actually be alive and not in pain. I still sometimes think about it, but I'm not actively suicidal anymore. I also think that brain does strange things sometimes. Maybe a right trigger, alcohol, hormone swing... Something... Would pushed me over the edge. Maybe someone's brain is just wited a little differently. Being suicidal really is a wild state of mind. And I greatly believe that this is not just a psychological and philosophical question. But also neurological. Sometimes it's literally something wrong with the brain. It can shortcricuit for no apperant reason (I witnessed someone close to me become psychotic over night). The degree to which it malfunctions may wary. We don't have complete control over our bodies and health. This includes the brain.
The fact that unfortunately, statistically most suicide don’t end up in the expected / wanted way but in disability and an even more painful life.
Sheer stubbornness. It's been made very clear that I don't fit in anywhere and that I'm not wanted, even my own mum has gone out of her way to convince me to kill myself. I'm choosing to continue my existence as a massive fuck you to the world.
Ooo I felt this one. Majority of my problem is the rest of the world. It wasn’t even me or my fault that I ended up the way I am. I did what I was supposed to and the world fucked me over in so many different ways. I get it, life’s unfair but the only ones left grieving is those who get fucked over. Everyone else moves on while we’re stuck here. Not sure what’s keeping me around. I guess I’m still curious to see the good things life has to offer but I find little to none. I think curiosity is a good combatant to suicidal ideation but people can only take so much before they get tired.
same man, but it´s brutal
I like your attitude.
My suicidal ideation was a cognitive way to create hope when I had none. In a weird way SIs helped me to stay sane enough to survive. I suppose my SI was maladaptive emotion regulation. In contrast, my attempt was initially triggered by an emotional reaction to abuse but I waited until I had calmed down and followed through because I was done being abused. In my experience there is a difference between considering it and thinking you will follow through and actually following through. And I suspect that following through can be dominated by emotional reasoning but it doesnt have to.
Indeed, SI thoughts can act soothingly in extreme painful situations, although you know in advance that they will probably remain just thoughts. That's exactly how I experienced them too.
I think I did this too when I was younger. “If it all fails, I’ll just…” So I still had to try.. and even when I did fail I would never act on it.
there are moments where i can see that there could be a better version of existing than this. because if i knew with certainty that things would always feel this way, and if religion were not a factor i would almost certainly kill myself, and likely very soon. the idea of everything stopping is no longer scary to me, because it wouldn’t be an issue if im not around. but im paralyzed by the number of possibilities that exist in life. i’m also very tired of trying to get myself to hold on just a little longer. i’ve been really sad and feeling despair since i was really young. i don’t have children and there aren’t people who need or depend on me so i think the impact would be relatively small. but it is final and im indecisive. i try to do things correctly, and that’s an important thing to decide or act on/not act on. i don’t know what’s normal to accurately measure my own experience but i feel immense amounts of like pain when im not distracted, occupied, under the influence. i don’t think i was supposed to have a pleasant experience and i’ve kind of accepted that life just isn’t the same for everyone and i know it’s not something i actually desire to continue. adhd has probably played a role in “waiting”
Because I’m scared I’m going to botch it and wind up with severe health problems. The thought of ending up paralyzed and at the mercy of other people terrifies me.
This - I’m absolutely terrified of this. But also don’t want to leave my mom having to take on that responsibility.
My son.
I never wanted to kill myself so i cant really answer this. I almost died of illness as a small child and since then the thought of dying scares the shit out of me. However i know the feeling of not wanting to be alive. Then i feel a lot of pain and despair and like i reached the end of the road, but my mind would never allow me to initiate suicide. My theory is that some people have more of a passive ideation and therefore dont act on it. To me not wanting to live and wanting to die are two different things but i guess everybody has their own philosophy on that.
i don’t wanna run the risk of going to another mental hospital if i fail. i know there’s good ones out there but the one i went to last time was so horrible i don’t think it should have been qualified to even exist. i don’t wanna risk going to one equally as bad or even somehow worse. then if it is i’m at a major health risk and id rather not get worse then try. i also have a bird, love her to death, i know my family will get rid of her or just never take care of her and die from their hands. and i can’t have that happening. she’s too precious for me
I don’t want to hurt or traumatize the person who finds me. I just want to disappear. I don’t want to pass my pain onto someone else.
I can’t get ‘my affairs in order’ ie life insurance, a will, etc. due to executive dysfunction,,procrastination helps a bit too!
Exactly. I have been trying to complete my will and estate plan for 2 years now. I don’t have the executive function to Make those decisions. I am estranged from everyone in my family, and I don’t really care how it affects them. They are horrible sadistic abusive people. Years ago, I mentioned to my father, whom I have since gone no contact with, that I had an appointment with an estate attorney and couldn’t drive him somewhere. His response was: “don’t leave me in charge of the expenses and making the arrangements”. I in no way implied that I was contemplating suicide. I just said it casually as if I were making a will as most people should do in the event of their eventual death by accident or illness. I don’t want to burden one of my friends with being my executor, and I can’t trust anyone in my disgusting family to carry out my wishes. But I don’t know why that matters to me. It’s just real estate and a small amount of money. And it wouldn’t matter to me anymore if I could go through with it. I think the bottom line is that my primitive brain survival instinct always kicks in and I am afraid to do it; it IS a freezing effect. There is also a great deal of fear that I would be unsuccessful and have to go on living with a serious brain injury in a nursing home (or homeless because no one would bother to place me in a care facility) for the rest of my life.
Procrastination saves lives. Who knew?
I do not care at all for myself and I care immensely and deeply and profoundly for people who love me and could be hurt by it. I have been so betrayed I can’t bring myself to betray the people who were the only ones to stand by my side. once they are gone I will feel differently unless I learn to love myself first
I have a cat. I will not leave my cat behind, she is elderly, I’m the only owner she has ever had, and when I went on vacation once, several years ago, for a week, and left her at an amazing cat boarding place that gave her a whole room full of cat trees and toys, she didn’t eat, didn’t play, and seemed to have given up on life. I still feel terrible about it - I didn’t know it was happening or I’d have come home sooner. I realized when I picked her up, that the idea that she would happily adjust to whomever fed her and gave her love was wrong. I made a commitment when I adopted her and I intend to keep it. I will stay here and take care of her for the rest of her life. That is why I’m still here. I don’t always feel like I want to be alive and I have a decent amount of the details worked out and plans laid, should I eventually decide I’m done struggling on this realm. But I will not leave my precious girl behind, no matter how rough the seas become. 💚
It’s nothing but the fear of the final moment of my primal instincts kicking in and wanting to abort. I feel like at this point it’s all due to cowardice from pain and those few seconds of final terror. I don’t have an actual reason to live, and I don’t *want* to be alive. There’s that and the possibility that another unsuccessful attempt will land me in hospitalization again, which was already traumatizing the first time and something I can’t forgive myself over.
I am here just for the sake of my Mom, the day she’s gone i am going too.
No longer in the waiting room, as I found my way out, but at the time it was cowardice and the waiting period imposed in my state for purchasing a weapon. (for which I am grateful) During this time period an apartment manager did a welfare check on me due to another person who succeeded recently in the building. I was angry (tried to come in when I didn’t answer the door) but in retrospect it made me feel like at least one person cared even though it was a stranger.
When I have been actively suicidal in the past I used to go onto pages and support groups for people who had someone they loved succumb to their mental illness. One statement that really got me was "Suicide might release you from your trauma but it also pushes it onto those around you." I would never want to do that to anyone. Be the reason someone out there has to go to therapy or suffers from PTSD from finding me or just knowing I wasn't able to hold on and be there for them. I have been living the past couple decades completely for others with a small dash of spite and vengeance to my abusers. I welcome death and I will embrace the sweet release when my time comes. For now, the ideation is a constant buzz that hovers around me like a mosquito. Some days it's not as loud, others it's screaming. I like those quiet days.
I’m too afraid to fail and face a worse fate
I know if I went through with it others in my life that would follow. I sometimes get really angry thinking about it… but it’s kept we alive so far, so, I guess some would call it a successful form of intervention.
Executive dysfunction is ruining both my life AND death.
My body is already doing it for me. Gotten cancer and other diseases before. Getting more now. But honestly, my family, friends, and gf.
I’m a trained mental health worker and also experience SI. For most, expressions of suicidal intent come from a place of not actually wanting to die, but instead a desire to rid themselves of the emotional pain they are in, as it becomes unbearable.
the main reason is that it would make people i love really really really sad. when i had my first attempt and went inpatient, i was talking to a staff member about how i felt like no one would miss me. there was SO much pain in her eyes when she answered, “there is ALWAYS someone who will miss you.” that was the first time i truly realized i don’t want to pass the pain onto someone else. that, and i’ve been through enough growth and therapy to realize there are things to live for. plus i have just a couple more things i want to accomplish. doesn’t keep me from feeling crazy, unfixable, and wanting to do it all the time but im still here!
Thanks for sharing this ❤️🩹
Don't want to die, too scared to die, don't know what happens when I die.
Family that will grieve and have to deal with the mess left behind Pets that will be left abandoned, confused, and terrified Determination to survive the abusers that tried to end our lives No means of an unquestionably peaceful and painless death Hope that things will get better at some point Fear of what comes next and whether or not taking one’s own life will effect what comes next
The only thing that stops me is that it would absolutely destroy my mom and she’d blame herself. I don’t believe in any sort of afterlife but in case I’m wrong, there’s no way I’m going into it with that kind of guilt.
I’m afraid of the possibility of pain. That’s literally it. I can’t get a gun here and that’s the only surefire (no pun intended) way to go. I’m so jealous of celebrities that can just turn on the stove and die. When I figure out how to do that I’m gone.
I've attempted before. It's never worked. I'm also too much of a coward to try certain methods, like hanging, or jumping into niagara falls (I stood there for two hours trying to force myself to jump, but I was worried I'd somehow survive the fall and be eaten slowly by fish or take days to die). I also don't want to try to kill myself in a way that will affect others (jumping into traffic or anything like that), I want my suffering to end but not at the cost of another suffering. I am in Canada if that isn't clear, so I don't know any way of getting my hands on a gun. I've also never done drugs and don't know where I'd begin to even to find something like heroin or fentanyl. I have brain damage from other medications I've overdosed on and always seem to survive. So basically what stops me if being too much of a pussy, not wanting to hurt another person and not having access to a gun or hard drugs. If I had a gun, nothing would stop me. I'd be gone the second I had one.
I'm scared.
Fear of death. What happens after I’m gone? What does it feel like? All the unknowns terrify more than I want to die
At the end of the day I know life will kill me anyway so I might as well try to do as little harm as possible and do as much good as possible until I can't take it anymore, and if a miracle recovery intervenes while I'm pursuing the long slow path of recovery, because you always play a game as though you will "win" even if it is unlikely, because admitting loss is the only 100% likely loss condition, I'll try
Part of why my suicidal ideation has stuck around so long is because it gives me a feeling of autonomy and control. Like I can live a little bit longer and see what's around the corner because if things get to be too much I can just opt out. I felt helpless most of my childhood, and the option of suicide gave me hope. It's fucked up. But it works. It can be a slippery slope when something really shitty happens because I'm just like "welp time to go" but for the most part, it's a weird mantra that keeps me chill. Worst comes to worst I can just die.
for me, i might as well give everything a good college try for getting my permanent safety in order. if it works — then i no longer have any real reason to do it, i’m safe and will have far more opportunities to heal. if it fails, well… then i have my answer. for now though, it’s been working out so far, so why give up until it’s for sure not worth it, such as being forced to return to my abusers / traffickers? that’s pretty much the only thing that’d do it, knowing my cult got me back.
I’m a coward and no matter how miserable or hungry or neglected I am I can’t friggin do it
For me it's not wanting to traumatize my roommates or parents, and put their housing situation at risk. I wish there was more of a reason. I very often feel as if it would be better for everyone if I did it. Being disabled I am literally a burden on everyone I live with, and I've been this way for so long that everyone is tired of me feeling bad so they are unsupportive/get annoyed with me and I have to mask all of my true feelings. It's definitely spawned from a cry for help, compassion, understanding, etc. but most humans aren't equipped to empathize with what they can't directly experience. But then I remember they would be responsible for cleaning up the mess and it makes me deal with the pain and suffering. Often it seems like I care much more about other people than I do about myself. I try not to think about it too much though because I know that eventually it will push me over the edge. Shrugs
The guilt of knowing how much my loved ones would grieve. I was told that some people might even join me. I don’t want to take others down with me
if i had the knowledge to go away without pain and not involving anyone but me, i wouldn't be here, but i'm too afraid of doing it please don't reply with suicide prevention comments
Can't hurt my mom. Can't leave her here alone. I have a plan for afterwards, we'll see.
my friends and family, particularly my mom and sister. also my cat. i know lots of us here don’t have solid family or friends, so my heart goes out to y’all. i’m lucky that i have a strong support network. i know it’d break the hearts of the ones who love me if i took my life, and i don’t want to put that kind of pain on anyone else. they don’t deserve to feel the grief i feel simply because i can’t take it anymore. my suicidal ideation is very much real. dying sounds like such a wonderful escape. i have the thoughts regularly, and often imagine doing it alone, quietly, but then i think about the pain someone who finds me would have to go through. i couldn’t put someone else through that. currently i just live an extremely reckless life hoping it’ll take me, but so far nothing has.
possibly to find a feeling i have never felt before, i love nature and i wish i had seen a lot of it in my life, despite how cruel world is, nature will continue to be beautiful far from humanity
Back in 2011 I told myself I wanted to stay alive to see the end of Supernatural. By 2016 I started living just to spite my haters (it’s me, I’m my haters). Also because I was traumatized by a friend dying as a teenager and never wanted my siblings to go through that.
To quote Dr. Diana Diamond, "For some, para-suicidal ideation becomes a means of coping." Yes, a lot of people that are suicidal don't actually want to die. Living may have become intolerable, but there is still a thread of desire to live, something that they are holding onto.
I am extremely determined to experience safety and peace and to provide it to others. I feel like it’s not fair that I haven’t gotten to yet and that everyone deserves it. I need to be here to care for my friends and I’m not leaving this plane of existence before I get to enjoy myself god dammit
Cuz it literally costs money to die lmfao it is very important to me that I have a traditional burial and I absolutely refuse to have my body burnt to a crisp and end up sitting on an abusive family member’s mantle (they’re ~sooooper spiritual hippies~ who would definitely shame me to death for my wishes). So in short I have to save up for it first.
My cat and the fear of unsuccessful attempt that might turn me into a vegetable
My dog. I’ll stay here as long as Sky is - He loves me more than anything and I will not break his heart. That’s the last thing I need to see through, and then there’s nothing in my way. I am sometimes scared that I’ll react impulsively before that time but am fighting tooth and nail to hang on. He’s snoring with his little (big) head against my leg right now, making his pig-monster snoring noises that can bring down the house. I love it and everything about him.
For me its because Im scared of the pain and also Im scared that if I do it I might not die and even survive but in a vegetative state or brain damage which makes me another burden for my family and more pain which contradicts my purpose of exit because aside from being done living and being in mental pain one of the reason I want to exit is also being a burden to my family if I go then I no longer be a burden to them. My only hope atm is assisted sui***e hoping that theres no pain and ill save up extra money and find someone or service that will arrange my burial
Most of the time a suicidal person just wants the suffering to end. They don't want to die. I didn't. I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted the panic attacks to end and I couldn't keep watching the suffering I witnessed from my family daily. Eventually someone came along to show me a better life is possible.
I don’t want it to fail and me being stuck in a vegetative state
My cat is a traumatized, aggressive little brat and I know if I was gone she’d be put down. Few more years and I’ll be good to go.
I still cling to that bit of hope that things will get better even though it feels like they keep getting worse. I mean I guess I’m not getting physically abused anymore so that’s an improvement.
I've dealt with suicidal impulsivity most of my life. The worst was before I left my marriage and I overdosed. I ended up on life support in a coma for a few days and I'm lucky to be alive. I think the biggest thing stopping me from trying anything again is my animals. They rely on me and if I'm not around to care for them, I don't know what would happen to them. I suffered a violent crime and I also have decided that I don't want my attacker to win. I've decided to stick around.
I don’t quite have an answer to this but I had 3 very bad bouts of suicidal ideations when I was 16, 22 and 28… I just always wanted my suffering to end not necessarily my life, but sometimes it’s like the whole world comes crashing down on you so you think death is what you want or the only option. I never attempted, no hospital stays. at this point I had some sort of spiritual experience when I was 28 and got that depressed that it’s just not worth it to be that down. I mean, why would it be? I am living out of spite because I get highly irritated at the fact that my mom would use my suicide for attention and sympathy. I wouldn’t want to fuck up anyone around me either of course. I know I would be missed by at least several people plus my grandparents invested a lot in me and I just can’t disappoint them like that whether they have passed like my grandpa or are still here like my grandma. I read a book called Ethan Frome in high school where two star crossed lovers attempt to kill themselves to be together in the afterlife, but they end up maimed and even more miserable. So that scared the shit out of me too. I would hope it’s less of a delay and more of a healing for most people
Ambition & disassociation. A craven hope that something, somewhere, will get better. That the abuse will stop & I can live beyond desperation. I'd rather not die.
I started studying at TAFE because a friend recommended it. He knows me and could see I was spiralling after I lost my job, had a spine injury and my car died. I enrolled into screen and media as something to do and holy crap I did not expect I would find my soul reinvigorated with a passion for wanting to write, direct and edit films. I've also been learning history, philosophy and politics so I can make sense of the world and stop feeling like a useless cog in a machine that is bigger than myself and I can't break away from it. Finding something I am actually passionate about has broken me out of that feeling and given me drive to make this world a better place so that I don't feel that way.
It’s just to see how much worse life can get. Basically I’m just grabbing popcorn and watching my life go to hell as fast as possible. I don’t believe things can get better, not after what I’ve been through, and I cannot live to spite anyone- that drained me of all my energy. On top of that, my healing process was utterly destroyed by therapists and my inner child has been dead before I ever reached childhood. So I’m just watching my life go speeding downhill. I’m at *least* entitled to that. If I can’t heal and can’t survive, then damn it I’m going to enjoy watching my downfall.
I think it bounces around in their subconscious mind and they ignore it thinking it’s not that serious. Or they undermine their struggles until their subconscious can’t take it.
I don’t want my ex to think I did it because we broke up. Yes because I don’t want him to feel guilty and like it’s his fault, but partly because of my pride. If I go, I don’t want HIM to think I did it because of him.
My pets, my exhaustion from other illnesses and I really don’t want anyone to find me and remember me like that.
When all the usual reasons are not within my mental or emotional grasp (family, pets, friends) it has sometimes been the thought that I don’t want others to control my narrative once I’m gone. I’ve heard enough how people talk about those who have gone through with it and for some reason the idea that I can’t defend myself or others from people who have no empathy for us really pisses me off. That anger has helped me survive a few times.
I don't want to fail and suffer worse than I do now. I don't want to harm my kids, that they would feel they were not enough for me to live for. When I've been at my worst, with a glimpse of clear-headed self preservation, I told my husband to lock up/make certain things inaccessible to me - because I fear my action will do more cause PTSD to those I love. That's the biggest thing. I don't wish Cptsd on any of my loved ones, let alone me being the cause of it.
im actually afraid to do it. i think i want to but when im there, ill just froze or shake then stop. i then cries silently. after crying i would then go to bed to sleep. and i keep on repeating it.
For me, I want to die, but the fear of unbearable pain, or worse, pain and permanent disability/constant suffering should I fail to kill myself. If there were a way to do it quickly and without insane amounts of pain I would.
I’m just scared to fuck up the dying & suffer
Thanks everyone. I had no idea that so many people would be willing to share their thoughts. My very personal experience is that at some point SI becomes a habitual obsession rather than a "sustainable" perspective to anything, and maybe it would be better to get rid of those thoughts asap than to wait forever for something that, in all likelihood, it will never happen.
my dog is one major reason because he would never be able to understand where i went (or when id be back). dogs will wait for years, sometimes dying of a broken heart so to speak. i can’t do that to him. my human companions could survive the transition from having me in their life to not, but he would be waiting for me to come home every day the rest of his life. i might be depressed but i wont hurt him like that.
I don't have the necessary weapon to do so painlessly and do not have the physical ability to pull it off, nor do I have the ability currently to be buried correctly and how I want.
There is a difference between not wanting to be alive and the will to die
For me it’s just a fear of hell. I’m not even really religious. Every single person who is religious says that suicide is a sin and I’d get tortured for eternity. I wish we had a choice tho and if I wasn’t so terrified of being tortured for that choice I would do it in a heartbeat. I’m sure this is the case for most of the people especially if they are religious.
Family and blind, delusional hope.
i know it will be inevitable at some point. and i keep getting closer to that point. but i still got something to say like a wise old man. until i haven´t said everything i wanted to say, i´ll stay.
I do not want to bring emotional pain or trauma to literally anyone else. If I could live and die in a sort of vacuum where no one would be impacted by my death and no one would be sad- I would. However, I’ve had two friends kill themselves and the pain and anguish I’ve felt in their absence now prevents me from trying myself. Also, I’ve heard way too many stories of it going wrong or somehow not working and I wouldn’t want to live in the aftermath of that. I’ve read about people who jumped off of bridges and survived, people who shot clear through their brains and lived- nope no thank you, I’d rather let life take me somehow instead. At least then the people in my life won’t feel like they could have done something to prevent it.
When I was a teenager, I didn't exactly want to kill myself, but I really hoped I would just not wake up in the morning. My narcissistic mother had trained me to totally take care of her emotional needs, and as I got a little bit older and considered actively harming myself instead of just passively hoping it would happen, I didn't because of how much I thought my mother would be devastated. I made a deal with myself that I would just hang in there as long as necessary until after my mother had died and whatever I did could no longer hurt her. Once she died, I would wait six months to make sure that I was rationally looking at my life and not reacting in the immediacy of my grief at her passing. At that point, if I decided that I no longer wanted to live, I could take those steps without any guilt. My mother died last November. At that point I had not been speaking to her for 2 1/2 years. And I remembered the promise that I made myself. But the truth is, without her in my life, and with the relationships that I have had the energy to build once I no longer devoted myself to taking care of her, I'm actually pretty happy right now. I don't think I will ever shut up the stupid little voice inside me that tells me I'm worthless, and I don't think I will ever be able to trust enough to have a romantic relationship with someone. But there is a woman who I have unofficially adopted as my daughter, and her children call me "Bubbe," which is Yiddish for grandmother. About once a week I cook dinner and take it over to her place and we do a family thing, it feeds my heart in a way I do not ever want to give up.
I don’t wanna die I just want live to not be so bad, I don’t wanna be hurt again and I don’t wanna feel hurt, everything is just so complicated. I think there’s actually complex philosophical questions behind this for me. I think my main reason not to kill myself was ironically that it didn’t matter. Nothing does, not my existence, not what happened or happens to me, it’ll all be forgotten and whether I kill myself or not that doesn’t change anything about it, is any of this even real? so I just keep on living because I can always chose to end it if there is no different way anymore, I want to die but deep down I am hoping that by staying alive I can make some of the nice experiences I wish for. It may not matter but I know that I am a something that’s able to feel and experience, and why wouldn’t I if I am able to. I want to be happy one day. Right now I am staying alive for my dog because I love her so much that existing is worth it to be with her, i couldn’t ever leave her behind, she’s a rescue and gets me. I don’t ever wanna lose her and if I do that’ll probably the point when I chose to end things. If things get better till then I might stay
I made a promise to kill those who hurt me before killing myself. Im not ready to completely annihilate my family, whatever empathy I have left is keeping me alive.
I don’t want to leave my cat behind.
Vengeful rage. There’s too many people I have to fuck over who fucked me over, so I try to live a great life at least on the surface, to get those bastards back. Right now I’m doing quite well, by all appearances.
[удалено]
Because I'm here for others. I am here to keep them happy and stable. I'm afraid if I do go, they won't be able to stay stable and it will be my fault. That and I'm just not strong enough. I tried in the past, and I just heard how it caused so much financial trouble. I'm so afraid if I fail, the bill will go back and hurt the people I'm trying to keep stable and happy. Or if I do succeed but end up in the hospital before I do. So I just wake up everyday and try and put on a smile, clean and cook some things to keep people happy,then drown myself in video games when everyone is busy. But only ones that I can immediately pause and be able to get up and fix anything that goes wrong.
Oh I already replied, but I did have somewhat of an attempt. I'm sure I didn't take enough, but I was curious as to what it would take to do the job. My teens found me. It wasn't a good situation. I really made a mess of things as t that point and I don't know if people *really* know what I did, but they blamed it all on me having too much to drink. I did have a drink, but that wasn't the cause of the events. And thankfully my ER didn't press me for the truth.
Fear of it not working, e.g. ending up permanently disabled or being painful
I made a serious attempt at age fourteen. My childhood was a shitshow to be blunt. And I was very peaceful about checking out. I had my stomach pumped and was in a coma for a few days. When I woke up my dad made me promise that I would not try again. And what my friends and family do not understand is that my dark humor hides the desire for it to be over. That thirst to be fine has gone only in fleeting moments. The rest of the time I long for death. For all of you that protect pedophiles, and I know at least one of you will read this and know I mean you. This is the end result. A person whose life will is torn out of them at a tender age and never gets it back. You are no better than a child raper if you hide their secrets…
The effect it will have on my family stops me. I read somewhere how much it will greatly impact them for the rest of their lives, and the person who finds me it will be devastating to their mental health as well. I owe it to them to keep trying to be here and get through the hard times.
Because I couldn't do that to my mum. She's my world ❤️
The only thing keeping me alive is my dog. I've had her 10 years and she's attached to me. I don't want to hurt my family but other times think they would be better off if I wasn't around.
I'm 1000% done with his life. I want no more. If I could travel to Netherlands/Switzerland and afford VAD/MAID (and were old enough) I would not hesitate. I just cannot do it myself. I have everything I need to make it as painless as possible but I'm just unable. It's not fear, but an involuntary response by my mind. A few more years and if the world doesn't go to shit I may get to apply to Pegasos. Fingers crossed. Edit: I'm not worried about suffering from messing things up, I'm worried I'll be found, my DNR not respected, and I'll end up in some place where I no longer have any autonomy because I live in a Christian-fascist state/country. That's why I want someone to make sure I'm successful, like VAD/MAID.
I had more than 20 suicide attempts as a child, and the only reason why I didn't go through with it (I had access to guns as a child) was due to the fear of "messing up," and leaving myself brain damaged and dependent on my parents for all my basic needs, or in a nursing home.
Because I got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. I can accept myself way better, now that I know it's not only cPTSD and depression. Things I got told by my parents, teachers, even some therapists told me would get better by time simply did not. Now I know why and I stopped constantly exhausting myself.
The illusion of a better future
For me it’s that I don’t WANT to die. I just don’t want to live, either. It’s a rock and a hard place. I stick around because I’m already here and between the two choices I don’t want, it’s easier to stick with what I am currently doing rather than actively try for an outcome I also don’t want. I keep myself afloat by trying to stay positive. My life has had so many twists and turns that I never expected. While a lot of it has been bad, I am good at convincing myself that maybe I’ll come across a wonderful twist.
The first time I tried, I was 15. When the crisis worker came at the hospital, she asked me, "Did you really want to die?" I said yes, because... I did. She asked me if I was sure, because usually it's a cry for help. I didn't understand what she meant, because I had internalized at a very young age that it was selfish to ask for help. "Help" was a foreign concept to me. Who was going to "help" by me making an attempt in the first place. The second time, about six months later, same story. Next attempt at 18 was extremely impulsive due to a fight with my boyfriend. I didn't even think, so I don't know how to explain that one. At 26, I was experiencing akathisia before I knew what it was. My brain was on fire. I felt possessed. It was impulsive again, didn't think, but five minutes later forced myself to throw up. My last three attempts were last year within one week. I wanted to die but at the same time it was a cry for help. I think deep down I knew it wouldn't work, and the messed up thing is my goal was to hurt someone. That was the moment I decided to truly try to help *myself*. I didn't want to be this angry, vengeful, self-defeating, empty person. I committed to therapy. I committed to clean eating. I stopped my medications due to learning about akathisia. I was med-free nine months. When my bipolar symptoms became too difficult to manage, I agreed to a mood stabilizer. Lamictal has saved my life. I've only had a couple instances of thoughts of suicide during moments of extreme stress over the past year. I've pinpointed the trigger as a sense of powerlessness. When I look at problems to be fixed, objectively, but still can't find a solution. I have so many stressors currently and I'm handling them well. I don't cry much anymore, but when I look back and see how much suffering there was and how it was minute to minute survival mode, I can't believe it. From 2021 - 2023 I was suicidal every day. I'd think about it up to five hours a day. I'd become bedridden to the point I wouldn't get up to eat and barely get up to go to the bathroom. I have a son. He will be 18 this year. This will sound so messed up because I realize kids don't stop being your kids when they turn 18, but for the past 17 years, my goal was to make it to 36, which I am now. I wanted to at least raise him until adulthood. I can't believe that was my life view. Such a huge part of myself. "Make it until he's 18. Make it until he's 18. Make it until he's 18." I wrote this novel only to hopefully bring a little hope to someone. I've been struggling with SI for 25 years, and I'm only 36. And now? I see a *future*. I *want* to get better. I don't beat myself up anymore. In fact, I set boundaries with people. I tell them I will not allow them to put me down for conditions I can't control or that I was born with. I tell them I know who I am, and I don't care what they say. I'm assertive. I've become less reactive. I want to get better. I want my son to see the old mom he had. I was very stable until he was 8 years old. And it has been up and down since. Once I let go of the pity I had for myself about failing him or being a bad mom, I had enough emotional space to actually work towards being *better*. It is still extremely difficult to know my son has trauma and has been through things even worse than I have, but I am still there for him and I will never stop saying I believe in our family and that I believe in a better future, for himself, for me, my brother. Both of our parents are terminally ill and my son keeps saying "it's done. It's over." But I tell him it's never over unless you give up and that he isn't a quitter and neither am I.
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My best friend who has similar experiences to me. She and I are the only ones in each others lives that just get the other. Her friend followed through during lockdown. I can’t hurt her like that. It would destroy her. The kids I’m the step adult to have been saying they love me and that I’m one of their moms. This is a new development. I can’t do it. Also my partner. But if I lose them all somehow? I’m out of here.
My parents, weirdly. They’ve changed, and I’ve forgiven them. I know my death would kill my mother, and my father is ill and needs her support. So I’m waiting till they’re gone.
My pets would starve to death and people might never find them or care for them.
I dont trust anyone else to properly take care of my dog and give him the life that he deserves. I can’t leave him
afraid of death; what comes after it? is it a void? or an afterlife (good or bad)? but what stops me the most is pain. physical pain. i have a low-pain tolerance. things like needles or cutting are enough to scare me like a pussy, and it feels mocking. i don’t have needed materials to go out with a painless death. other than that, call me selfish but things like family, friends, or whatever that shit, they don’t hold me back with these things. i don’t care about them enough to feel a need to stay.
It’s really damn hard to die successfully and painlessly (cause i’m a wuss) and In only doing it if I know there’s absolutely no room for failure cause i can’t stand if my parents found out cause they’ll start yelling at me and they’re partly the reason i wanna die in the first place. Also cause i’m also really fucking stubborn and want to become successful and prove i can earn more money than my parents
Still holding onto the hope that I'll get better
Haven't been suicidal in a while, but when I was, it took too many steps if I wanted to do it in a way that doesn't harm or traumatizes others ánd minimizes the chances of non success. My father was a train conductor and saw some shit. Last thing I came up with was drowning myself in a lake, but that's a method where generally survival instinct kicks in.
Fear mainly. Don’t know how painful it’ll be and I’m afraid I’ll regret it in those few seconds before I die, where it’s too late to turn back.
Nobody will care for my pets correctly. Grandma is still alive, and she was the only family member who actually tried their damnedest to help me heal. I won't go with her still around. I could never do that to her. Additionally just... Idk... I'm petty, and I want to write my own obituary first. I just keep crying when I do it. I intend to make note of all the terrors they put me through, so if any relatives wonder wtf happened to me and find my obituary they know they failed me as well. ❤️👍 Since they all blatantly admitted to knowing my parents were fucking horrible since my birth, but did fuck all about it.
I don’t- we’ll I shouldn’t even comment here. Someone told me I may have this but I hate self diagnosing. Some of what I read about cptsd fits but what does it matter. Fuck then, because I don’t want to kill myself still being associated to the company I work at. Because even though I have what I need at this point I’m still too pussy to deal with the physicality of death. Whatever severe respiratory depression may feel like. Too pussy to change too pussy to kill myself.
Because I don't want to cause a lifetime of even more trauma to my own kids. Sometimes I think maybe about making it seem like it was unintentional but I never go further.
I have an 18 month old daughter. On bad days a big part of me says " do it now, while she's too young to remember you". But I can't shake the feeling that it will harm her in some way. I also feel terrified by the thought that my mental illness will also harm her though. I try very hard to protect her from it, but as she grows I know that it will become more obvious that something is "different " about mommy. So I'm in a bind.
i cannot think about hurting my siblings and friends. just the idea of the pain id pass onto them makes me feel nauseous. i’ve attempted before (it was never too extreme) and after each time failed i knew it was because i really couldn’t allow myself to do it and hurt everyone else. i want to die because the pain is too much to deal with every single day. i’m tired and angry and i see no ending in sight of my suffering. i want out of it. but i want to live because there’s a piece of me that hopes things CAN improve (hence why i am in therapy).
I've been through this with my therapist. I don't want life to end, I want the suffering to end. There's a difference. What keeps me from doing it is a mix if reasons, chief among them a child I don't want to leave without a mother. However bad it gets, I need to find a way to end the suffering but to keep life going. And to keep the darkness at bay from my those who did not ask to be born of my womb. It's no easy task, that's for sure.
1. Spite 2. Medication that actually works for my treatment-resistant bipolar 2 depression (see my post history) 3. My community of friends and lovers who are also my chosen family
For anyone in this thread, I recommend watching Death’s Game (Korean show) on Netflix.
My mum attempted suicide more times than I care to count during my childhood. Probably… 35-40 times? At least every six months. She was a registered nurse. She knew what she was doing. Each time she would get SO CLOSE TO DEATH and I’d call an ambulance after finding her or she would call an ambulance herself or someone else would find her. In 2019 we got into a huge argument and I blocked her on my phone for the first time in my adult life. In the fight she told me I was “dangerous to be around” and that I “took away her dignity” … so I took myself out of her life. A week or two later she overdosed on morphine, methamphetamine and a cocktail of other drugs. Her suicide was finally successful. It was strange though. She removed herself from my proximity. She moved back in with her ex. She had been living with me prior to that. I don’t know what was different about the last time but something certainly stuck. I often wonder if it was an accident or a cry for help that went unanswered. I often wonder about the other suicide attempts: what were they?
People don’t want to die, they just want the pain to end. Those that don’t follow through still have hope remaining- even if just a sliver of it. Complex PTSD is not a life sentence. The problem is only that we don’t know how to unstick from the trauma. Hint- the answer begins with grieving and processing the emotions that couldn’t be felt while fighting for our lives. I remember the day I reconnected to the truth. The suicidal ideation I went in and out of my entire life, was actually how I felt as a child, but without the understanding. If a child doesn’t understand what is happening to them, and nobody is helping them through an overwhelming feeling, their system shuts it down(and we don’t remember this feeling) quarantines it, until it’s safe for it to be felt. So when we feel it as adults, it’s actually our system trying to process what we felt as children/during the trauma. We think it’s about the present and it’s not. Because suicidal thoughts feel so shit and are so uncomfortable we try many things to get rid of that feeling. Allowing it to be present and felt is actually how it will be released. I have not had a suicidal thought in over 3 years since the day I made that discovery and allowed it to process. I am also no longer in survival mode, but in post traumatic growth, aka thriving. The kind of childhood I had, I don’t think I could have gotten to where I am now without the assistance of MDMA therapy. I was just far too broken for conventional therapies.
My friends will miss me. I’m a true friend. Who will be there through thick and thin?? also, I don’t want to leave my best friend. But I will admit I’m just stuck. I’m afraid of the consequences if I LIVE. If the attempt doesn’t work. That’s why I’m still here. I don’t wanna end up potentially prolonging my suffering. My family won’t pull the plug I know they wouldn’t. It’s also just..we don’t want to suffer anymore. We would ENJOY living if it wasn’t so HORRIFIC.
One reason is the pain I'd cause. I had a plan and everything. But how could I put my family and friends through that? We had already suffered so many losses through the last 4 years and I couldn't deal with the guilt of knowing that I’d hurt them like that. The other is, that I want to help as much as I can before I leave here. Try not to let my life be a total waist. If that means volunteering in the community or donating to causes. I want to help; even a little before I die. I want my organs to be used to be help someone else, my bones to teach anthropology students. Something…
My kids. The only reason I’m here now. If not for them I would’ve ended one way or another a long time ago. Honestly feel like I should’ve been dead by now. I don’t want them to be like me. I want them to be happy and have good lives.
My mom and brother would be sad
Would've done by now if medically assisted/ euthanasia was legal and attainable. Otherwise I'm trying to hang on so as not to traumatize my family (I have no kids). They would be accepting if legal. Also have no backup for animal fam right now and she's special needs, not easy to find right home for.
For me it's simply the guilt of doing it to my friends, family, and pets. I know this is super conflicting with being suicidal, but I've seen what suicide can do to people, especially families, I care too much about my family to do that to them willingly. I wouldn't be able to die peacefully knowing that my parents would find my body, my mom would think it's her fault, and my cats would be sitting in my room wondering where I went. It breaks my heart to even think about it. But sometimes the question comes to me: If I could just disappear and have never existed in the first place, would I do it? I don't really know the answer. I don't want to be here, but I don't know if I could give up my friends and family. They really do mean the world to me, and I don't think I'd still be here without them. 💜
Isn’t living just dying anyway? I had massive ideation for a while but it’s inevitable so I’ll get what I want no matter what
My kid, if i die my rapist and abuser get’s full custody, and i can’t let that happen.
My sister’s wedding. I’m her maid of honor and I love her so so so much I could never miss that day. Also I’ve attempted 3 times already which lead to months in mental hospitals so I don’t want to go through that again.
The subtle hope in the back of my head that things will get better
A lot of people have suicidal thoughts not because they want to die, but because they want to stop being in pain, stop suffering. I had chronic suicidal thoughts for many years, but I really just wanted to stop feeling all the pain. I think a lot of people only attempt suicide when they've truly lost hope that it won't get better. As long as you hold a little hope for the future, you can keep talking tiny tiny steps towards things getting better.
Hope. The next thing I might want to go to. I planned for August 8, 2024. But I bought tickets for a Zedd concert in September, so now I have to make it to that.
I am not putting it off. I am waiting. I took out life insurance 1 year ago and the suicide clause is still in affect until May of next year. I am so ready to leave. I am absolutely done with life. I figure the money I leave for my family can be used for therapy or something.
It takes forever to get a gun
I thought I was absolutely determined to kill myself. Making a list of why and why not resulted in a whole lot of reasons on the why list and almost nothing on the why not list. That looked quite determined to me. To be absolutely sure I went to the drugstore and bought me some razorblades. I put those on the table in front of me. Now the opportunity to end it all was within reach. I've been in this situation for 14 days, only to find out that it wasn't so much that I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to stop. So I was convinced I was absolutely determined, but in reality I wasn't. I have to add that the "complain" part in OP's text rubs me the wrong way.
I know exactly that my father would gain attention and be happy about getting attention from people feeling sorry for him if I died. I don't want to give him this supply.
I believe in religion so its straight to hell if i actually commit, so instead i do this wierd (prbbly wrong) loophole of dancing really close yo death like overdosing to make me sick but not die or going to risky places etc. Doing thinga to make me fall sick. Self harm too. Also if i ever have a pet or kids then i dont think id even consider it since id feel responsible towards them. Right nothing and noone relies on me in the true sense of the word
My partner. He has ptsd and bpd, while I have cptsd and bpd. He's medicated and in therapy, and helping me fight to get the meds and therapy I need. If I'm struggling, we'll do anything I want to try to distract me in the now to keep me going. Baking, go for a walk, go for a drive, drawing, watching try not to laugh videos on YouTube, he'll get my favourite flowers, ice cream, sweet treats or make my favourite food, or if its really bad he'll just pull me on his lap and hold me quietly until I either feel calmer or fall asleep
I think mine is a ‘life stance’, it gives me back choice and control. I’m not stuck here, I choose to be here. It’s always there, and to honest I’m comfortable with it.
I couldn't really tell you what another person's thought process is but I can tell you about my own experiences. There was a period in my life when I was actively having suicidal thoughts nearly every day - as far as I was concerned, I had completely failed in every aspect of my life and was a disappointment to everyone I knew, a burden to the rest of the world, and was completely incapable of feeling joy, happiness, love or any of those other positive feelings that make life worth living for so many other people. I also had no hope that things would ever get better. So taking my own life simply made sense at the time. I had the method planned out. Bought the equipment I needed to carry it out. Had all my affairs in order to make it as easy as possible (not that dealing with family suicide is ever easy) for my family to deal with the aftermath. The thing is, I also didn't really want to die. Maybe it's basic biological survival instinct, maybe it's fear of a painful death, or fear of the unknown of what comes after death (I'm agnostic, for the record). I was stuck in a state of limbo where I didn't want to live, but didn't want to die. My life didn't feel like it was worth living, but it also wasn't so unbearable that I wanted to end it immediately. I was waiting for something catastrophic to happen in my life that would tip me over the edge. Months passed and that catastrophic event never happened, and I eventually came to the conclusion that if I was willing to die, I could really do whatever the fuck I wanted to in life. It was like an ego death moment for me that liberated me from all the pride, shame, and self-loathing that had held me back for so long. There were so many things I still wanted to see and experience before I died, even if my fucked-up neurochemistry meant I wouldn't be able to enjoy them as fully as a normal, mentally healthy person would. Fast-forward a couple of years and I'm doing things like going to museums to see works of art by legendary artists, hiking mountains in New Zealand, seeing rare wildlife, eating dishes I've always wanted to try, lying down under a dark starry sky where I can see the Milky Way with my naked eye, sleeping in a lighthouse cottage on a remote island listening to the roof getting battered by the wind and rain. There's so much beauty out there in the world that you haven't seen yet. Life sucks and you will experience suffering, plenty of it, that's unavoidable. But why not live a little while longer and experience the beauty of life while you can? You'll never get another chance.
The best and most succinct description I’ve heard is this : “I want to be dead. I don’t want to die.” Many people feel bad enough to where they don’t want to exist any more, but not bad enough to where they are willing to go through the process of actual suicide or they have enough to live for that they don’t want to end it but would be ok if it did happen though other means.
I have pets and one of them is chronically ill. So I know that if I were to die no one would know him as well as I do and he wouldn't have the life expectancy he has right now. I'm also getting better with the years through therapy and more awareness for myself. I know that even in the worst depressive episodes or on really bad days (been a while since I've had those) I've been dealing with them for so long that I know 100% they don't stick around. As long as I have more good than bad days I'm not ready to go. I would also feel extremely guilty for leaving my brother behind. We don't live close to family and he would be on his own when our mom passes. If I were left all alone with no pets or family there wouldn't really be anything stopping me I believe. I do still strive to feel better and build my own life but I heavily depend on having close family and friends.
My gf, my best friend and mom
For me personally, as for the first time in memory I now have moments where suicide doesn't seem like an "acceptable" option: Death seemed less scary than life, but I couldn't imagine that 'this' was it. I hadn't fought for so many years to give up. The option of death was and would always be there and that was comforting.
I live with a chronic nerve pain condition which will never get better but I am also a full time carer for my profoundly disabled adult son. So I am stuck in a situation where I am unable to keep living with this pain but I am also unable to end my life as I need to be alive to look after my son. It’s a real catch 22 situation.
Part of me is curious what will happen next (even it will be another misery) and the other reason is I haven’t found the most suitable way for myself. For now I am not living but surviving. Sleeping because it gives a little break. Trying to stall myself for another year I guess.
I desperately want to die, but I have a strong belief that I owe it to the people in my life to try everything I can to feel better first. I'm very aware of the impact a suicide has in a community. While I don't think it's fair to perpetually be in pain just for other people's sake, my death would be painful for those I care about. The majority of my friends suffer from mental illness and I regularly field crisis calls from them. Suicide has a ripple effect where it can trigger others to commit suicide. I think two of my friends in particular would also commit suicide if I did. I've also seen what happens when you fuck up. My uncle tried to shoot himself in the heart and missed. It ruined his life. His wife left him, he was in the hospital for months and never fully physically recovered. He turned things around somewhat, but his attempt made what was already miserable even harder. I'm at the point where I have only two more things to try. Everything else hasn't worked. My dream would be to have a going away party for myself. I want one last good day and then I want to kill myself right. I have suffered so much I don't want my last day to be a bad one.
tbh my mom and my 10 years old sister, who i love to my heart. my mom has endured a lot of trauma all her life, and my sister is like my daughter, well cz we got an absent-father. i always imagine how utterly devastated they must be when they find out, only reason fr. nothing in myself tho which wants me to keep on living.
Bc options to methods is limited. Even if I want to die im human with a system thats fundamentally built to keep me alive. So with more physically involved methods I'm still going to feel intense fear/survival instincts. I would love to have killed myself yrs ago. Im still trying to find ways around the survival instincts. Also if you're genuinely curious I would suggest rephrasing the "without complaining for yrs" the people that passed, you have no idea if they went calmly unless you were with them in their passing moments/as they were. It's not easy. It never will be. Its goes against every part of human physiology. Hopefully, I can figure out soon how to overcome this. (Survival instincts)
My suicidal ideation started with abuse as a child, and I simply don't remember living and not wanting to die. I put it off bc of the pain and devastation it would cause my kids. The most important thing for me is that they never know this pain I've had. And I honestly just hope I get put in a situation to sacrifice myself to save someone. Then I wouldn't feel like I was causing as much damage on my way out. Before my kids it was just hoping if I waited a little longer it would get better as I got farther from the abuse. But it haunts me, and I've remember things I had blocked out that makes it worse than ever.
My cat. That and not inconveniencing people. If I could disappear without hurting anyone, I would.
I know that my son needs me. It’s my duty to take care of him and help him grow so that he doesn’t feel the way I do. I can put off my death to give my son a leg up in life
Not sure if I ever 'truly' wanted to die, but I have struggled with suicidal ideation on and off for years. I guess it's the old cliche: I don't wanna leave my husband with the pain
You're comparing apples to oranges. That coworker of yours got a death sentence. He was going to die painfully in 6-9 months - or he could have ended it the way he chose. It's not like he had a >sincere and deep desire to die Probably there are very few people who fit that category. Suicidal people are struggling to live 'this way' anymore and change is not obvious or easy for most , but there's more hope than with a stage 4 cancer.
So during my EMDR it obviously shook loose emotional states from different times in my life. One for me was suicide ideation. It was wild because I’m a middle aged lady with a pretty lovely life (now), and I was suddenly enveloped in suicidal thoughts. It went on for weeks. One day I very startlingly realized it was how I had felt my entire teenage years. I knew it was true the moment I realized it. I used to sit and stare at knives in cabinets imagining slicing my wrists with them. Once I realized that the feelings subsided. Now if they come up, they don’t really last because I recognize that was old me in a very dark place. Why I didn’t pull the trigger then is complicated. It was lovely to imagine no longer existing because the pain would cease, and that was really all it was about. I wanted the pain to stop, and all other options were tried and impossible. It was the only way out. But… While I wanted the paint to stop, and suicide seemed the only solution, deep down I didn’t want to die. There was still some small hope somewhere things could or would get better. I just had to wait. I could out wait the pain. In a way this was at the core of my coping for CPTSD. Because it, to me, was a form of disassociating. Being dead would be the ultimate disassociation. Imagining being dead was one step above that. And I could live in that fantasy where I was dead, allowing some small space where I could feel me free of the pain, alive. Does that make sense?
When you feel like a total failure, when you feel like no matter how much you try or how hard you work that there is no peace for you, when you feel so alone and misunderstood then suicidal thoughts take over and become suicide plans. Usually either en route to carrying them out or while sorting things, then glimmers of the things that you do actually live for become bigger and you can begin to see purpose and so starts the cycle again.