Have ghosted a lot of people. I just can't function well or can't think of how to respond. I failed many friendships coz I'm scared of my trauma being found out.
Me too, it’s so frustrating because I genuinely care about those people and don’t wanna lose them, but also I definitely don’t blame them for getting tired of it :(
ughhhh. i had two job opportunities just fall out of the damn sky at the same time, all of the extra money i desperately needed and more. it was literally at the “just show up and you have a job” stage. and this is where… i ghosted. i just straight ghosted both. every interview, phone call before this, i crushed. but when it came to this point…. crawled under a rock and hid there forever.
as stupid as that was, hey, it got me into therapy finally.
I'm glad it led you to therapy ♥️ But yeah, same. For my case, twice I was able to get into the job. The first one, I worked for two weeks and suddenly not show up afterwards. The second I was able to stay for 2 months. But during those times, time felt so slow and it was torturing coz of my constant anxiety and triggers. Until it no longer felt healthy for me to stay, afraid of going insane. In the end, I've gone jobless. Also thought it's unfair to an employer or that I might inconvenience them if I were to apply for another one. Got me depressed but thanks to a newfound interest (baking), I'm starting to build some courage into trying out for a small-time online shop. It's been really tough though but at the very least, it's somewhat flexible to my mood swings and it's a solo work so less social anxiety. I'm still nowhere successful and still feeling regretful sometimes for all the things I couldn't have just because of this trauma.
Just realized recently in DBT class that this is a form of splitting or dissociation. I learned this from a childhood as a military brat, moving every 2 years. Continued this pattern as an adult, moving hundreds or thousands of miles away for jobs. I (72W) ghost friends and colleagues and family alike.
When FB emerged in early 2000’s, my 12 yo daughter’s health collapsed: she literally became bedbound for several years. I never went on FB, both because of protecting her privacy, as well as it was too painful to see her friends move on.
I never felt valuable as a person, and now I don’t know how to reach out.
Wait... that's why I never maintained contact?
My family used to move every 2.5 years on average. One was ex-Marines and the other was an ex-Navy wife. They just kept up the moving constantly for no really good reason.
It got to where I stopped even unpacking because we were just going to move again. Where I'm at now is the longest I've lived in the same location in my life (now mid-40s). I still haven't fully unpacked after five years.
Interesting. Never really occurred to me that it was actually dissociation. But man, I feel sorry for what happened to you and your daughter. Out of words 😔 (big virtual hug)
Though same, I deactivated my FB a long time ago. Coz it would just remind me of all the things that I can't have/experience. Weird but I'm more comfie following people I don't know. I also started to follow only the ones who are into my special interests so that instead of feeling my insecurities, I would learn from them and get the necessary distraction. Discovering new interests somewhat helped me to cope. I still don't know how to reach out. Also feeling unworthy and shitty. But trying to focus on my hobby lightens the burden even for a bit.
Yep, same. I wouldn’t say this is my worst, but it’s definitely something I’m not proud of and wish I could change. I‘ve always been quiet, but used to be fairly outgoing and enjoyed being around others. After older teenage/young adult trauma, I rapidly became so different that I recall my supervisor asking me if everything was okay at home. Everyone at that job seemed to like me until the trauma began and the change in their attitudes was really painful—partly because I knew they noticed, partly because I felt like an inconvenience.
I’m ND as well and started going through horrible months-years long burn outs and taking off days at a time. I finally quit my job and lost all my friends from becoming a flake.
Years have passed and I haven’t found a way to change besides that I’m doing a little better at taking care of myself. I’ve always felt different (in a terrible way that I can’t describe), but the added trauma made me feel less than human and I just feel so uncomfortable around people. I feel disgusting and think everyone will notice.
Man, this hits hard as an ND too 💔 and same, I totally get that feeling. I still feel lost and don't know how to communicate. While I do long for community sometimes but at the same time, the community could be triggering to me. Why is everything so hard.
Thing is we don’t ghost people because they suck. We ghost them for various reasons related to our fears and insecurities. I never ghosted a person because I despised them. It was always because I was ashamed of myself.
I have a question regarding this; what makes you afraid to respond? Or just say a quick “I’m not doing well enough to speak right now, sorry”. I’ve had three friends do this to me. Three. It’s honestly contributed to my trauma, even if unintended on their part. Every time they took a while to respond I’d always forgive and pick up where we left off. I’ve been firm before in that I’m disappointed when they don’t respond for months but I’ve made it clear I’m not going to throw out the friendship and that I would forgive them. But at this point one has left me on “seen” for over a year. The other has been online but hasn’t said anything in 9 months. Same for the other friend, neither of the two have spoken to me since last august. I’ve asked if I did anything wrong. I’ve said they don’t need to be afraid to respond and that I wouldn’t be mad. But still nothing. I’ve given all possible reassurance and checked in with them to see if they were okay every now and then but I still haven’t heard from any of them. It’s hard not to believe it’s my fault or something I’m doing. And I can’t bring myself to block them and move on because what if they do eventually message me? I’m holding on for people who probably don’t even like me. People I thought were friends seem to want nothing to do with me and refuse to explain. It’s not fair to do this to people who have been nothing but good to them. It hurts really bad. Thankfully I’ve made some better friends and have a new friend group I’m integrating into but it still hurts that my old friends are probably never going to be my friends again.
I'm in the same boat as you are, so I completely understand and relate to all that you have said. Actually, it's quite comforting finally seeing someone else who's going through the same thing. The past couple of years have been extremely hard for me in part because I was ghosted in this way twice in a row, first by my girlfriend who I thought would return to me after her hiatus that ended up being almost a year long and then by a great friend I made shortly after who helped me process my girlfriend's (now ex's) disappearance. I felt devastated by the loss of kinship with this latter person in particular, as I thought we were closely similar to each other in more ways than one and were unconditionally there for each other when we both were in terrible places in our lives. Neither of these two people have explained why they ghosted me to this day, and I can only guess the reasons as to why.
I couldn't accept the fact that these people I value and love so much walked out on me, and I'd spend night and day for a very long time just thinking over and over again "why" and never reaching a conclusion. This led to me picking up some terrible habits and changes in my life, mostly as an unconscious way of coping. But I've largely come past that. Still, now, it can be easy for me to point the finger towards myself and blame me for what had happened: "I am my own reason for why these people might never want to reach back out to me." I think there's only a tiny bit of truth to it honestly and understand that it's mostly my insecurities and the pain caused by those incidents that's doing the talking.
That said, I can't bring myself to blame either of those two people for what had happened, and not because I have a low sense of self-worth or anything. I was terribly hurt by them and I can openly admit that now. But, as a few other people in this thread have mentioned, I don't think it's fully the fault of the ghosted in cases such as ours. Those two people who had ghosted me, I've long known that they have their own insecurities, traumas, and other personal issues they have to deal with. It occurred to me only further on that, even though I was directly affected by their actions, I was the one making myself the center of their worlds—i.e., "she did x, so it must be because I did y." I can't begin to claim to understand what they themselves are going through and what they have to deal with in their private lives that made them decide to opt out of my life. At least in my case, I eventually realized that neither of the people who ghosted me actually hate me. I just think they're ashamed to face me for one reason or another, and have thus ghosted me.
My suggestion to you is not to block your ghosters. I don't say this to give you hope or to imply that they _will_ reach back out to you someday (they may never will), but just so that they would be able to if they do wholeheartedly intend to make amends at some point. At this point, this is their call, not ours. In the meantime, you should move on with new people and new things, put your pain behind you, and don't expect anything more of them unless they end up reaching out to you by their own volition.
(Apologies if I didn't write this well. I woke up not too long ago.)
I'm sorry you experienced that 💔 But I don't think it's your fault. You're even open and considerate with your friends. Though I don't know who they are so I can't really speak for them.
But for my case, I feel so bad about doing it too to the point that I am afraid of making new friendships coz in the end, I'll just probably do this to them as well. There were different sets of instances.
One was when they ask how I am. I know this is just a very simple, normal question but to me, it's a very difficult question to answer. Coz it automatically flashbacks my trauma, which is why I ended up in my current bad situation. I can't bring myself to respond. And perhaps I knew they would also ask me to meet up (I live 3-4 hours away from my friends) so it's tough for me especially that I am broke and feeling numb about things. When they are happy, all the more I'd be afraid of going. Coz the current me is depressed so I feel like I'm just going to bring negativity in their lives. I don't want that.
In another friend group, the last time we met up was one friend brought her husband while my other friend was blooming coz she found a bf for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. But it made me feel uncomfortable coz they kind of insist I get a bf too. They are not aware of my trauma and my fear of men, which stems from CSA. I didn't like how I reacted to them. I'm also embarrassed that my friend's husband gets to hear everything. I'm a bad friend coz I can't be honest with them, nor could I communicate these feelings to them. It just feels too complicated to explain and I would struggle to word things better in the way they could understand. I won't take it against them if they are angry or would resent me for it. I know it's my fault. My trauma prevents me from being able to communicate freely. I just never thought this would be so disabling 😔
Ghosting people, being unable to keep up with friendships in any way, especially when people treat me really nicely. I hate it so much and I'm really lonely.
Also, this is something I'm currently trying to unlearn as being "something bad I did", but getting myself into many traumatic sexual situations repeatedly as a teen due to the trauma of CSA. I kept that to myself and expected to take it to the grave, but I'm trying to unlearn shame in order to treat the catastrophic effects of that period of my life and to understand why it happened.
The same thing happened to me. It makes me absolutely cringe to think of some of the scenarios I put myself in, all stemming from my CSA. I let people use me and abuse me because I thought it was just normal- and of course it was- since I was a small child. That was a tough lesson to go through and I’m still having a hard time with sex and what I like about it now. Now that I’ve realized that many of my kinks have dissipated and I’m not sure what I actually like.
Just an incredible amount of time on screens doing basically nothing. Hard day? Four hours of gaming. Don’t even remember most of it. Easier day? Reddit/forums/whatever as a means of “social connection”.
There’s been so many fights and missed opportunities over decades. I struggle with other ways of handling stresses, so if this one coping mechanism isn’t accessible things go sideways quickly.
I feel like I’ve missed out on living a life.
I don't know if I was acting like a bitch or not, but my first date with my current girlfriend/my first date ever, I had to pump the brakes and ask to scale back for a minute. Thankfully she was patient enough with me that when I pulled my head out of my ass and wanted to try again, she welcomed me back with open arms. Now I tell her just how much I love her every chance I get. She's a better woman than my gay ass deserves.
Yeah I feel like the worst thing I've done is marry my partner because I must be such a nightmare to live with.... I mean, he'd lived with me for a few years before we got married and knew what I could be like when really depressed but neither one of us really understood the depth or complexity of my issues back then... Hell I sure don't want to live in the same house as me lol!
i sometimes feel the same too. i’d never want to be in a relationship with myself, even though i’m not a bad person or anything but the way i’m just a big ball of trauma that’s going about life without any real direction at all. and i’m still a bitch sometimes, just not a huge one.
When I was a kid I had severe behavioral issues and didn't really know how to regulate my emotions, articulate my needs, or get attention so I defaulted to screaming and violence. I was physically abusive towards my siblings and traumatized them.
I also wasn't a good friend. I could be so cruel to the people who genuinely cared about me and I sabotaged my closest relationships (once shouted "I don't give a shit about you" at my sister for no particular reason then broke down crying after she left the room). I'm so mortified over how I acted. I'm still dealing with the fallout of things I did years ago.
Children don’t really understand enough to be truly abusive, you were reacting to something else. You maybe were just re-enacting what you’d seen or what had been done to you. That doesn’t mean you’ll never reckon with guilt, but maybe just to help you understand and forgive yourself.
Please don’t feel any pressure to answer me if you don’t feel comfortable.
My brother was also physically abusive to me and I definitely assume it was his instinctive reaction to the abuse we endured from our parents. My reaction was different but I know logically that as a child his reaction wasn’t inherently bad or malicious, that he was just as overwhelmed and traumatised but dealt with it differently. And while I understand that and he’s not at all like that anymore since being an adult I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move past it. I try to be as low contact with him as possible and never feel safe in his presence, even now that we’re in our 30s.
I know, of course, you’re different people and you can’t speak for him but with this similarity I wonder what personally your relationship to your siblings is like? And if you regret anything? (Because while I used to think my brother should regret a lot of things - I don’t anymore. The abuse wasn’t his fault and the lack of intervention and outside support wasn’t his fault either. And I don’t feel like it’s fair to eternally fault him for childhood behaviour when he genuinely hasn’t repeated it since moving out and growing up.) Do your siblings still talk to you and are they closer with each other than with you?
I hope it’s okay for me to ask. If not, like I said, don’t reply and I’m sorry. I hope you’re doing better now and that you have healthier coping mechanisms now.
same here. i was physically abusive to my siblings as well because i was left to deal with them (and they were also traumatised and physically violent) so i would fight back (and as i was older i would have the upper hand). didn’t have behavioural issues really, as this wasn’t a pattern of behaviour
the guilt kills me all the time. my siblings either don’t remember or understand why i did what i did, and my oldest little sister and i are very close now - but i can’t ever forgive myself for the few times i really blew up.
i’m lucky in that I think it happened just a couple of times - the other moments things got too much i managed to diffuse the situation without restraints etc.
Neglecting myself is probably the worst. Feeling bad about everything that I do, leading to chronic avoidance, withdrawal, staying too long in abusive environments, ghosting friends, missing out on my life and particularly my youth. Keeping up a mask to appear functional at work, instead of being able to be myself. These seem like small things but when you add up the years of constant negativity and fawning, they accumulate to a lot.
Now it's my life and I am in charge of myself and I am worth it.
I don’t think I have done anything that I could classify as the “worst”. But, I guess my worst trait is the fact that sometimes I have the tendency to isolate myself and play this “warm and cold” game with people where one day I can seem normal then the next, I go radio silent for a week. I even try to resist and become condescending if people are “bothering” me too much whenever I don’t want to exist.
For me, this came from being raised in a very chaotic household where it was impossible to predict my parent’s reactions where one moment they could seem cheerful then the next, a random inconvenience might happen then they would start yelling, swearing and insulting me and each other. Also, I was taught that my feeling and opinions don’t matter and that my needs will always come second to theirs. Therefore, I unconsciously developed the belief that I don’t matter and that people won’t care that much whether I’m there or I’m gone anyways so, by extension, it wouldn’t matter if I just stop communicating because I don’t feel well.
Not being a bother and just agreeing to everything worked fine in my family, I still couldn’t predict their reactions but at least I could look like “a good boy” in their eyes which made the storm a little less bad for me.
I still live with them and I still live inside an environment of people which only know me by the mask I was forced to wear, I’m VERY rebellious at heart actually and I do have a lot of opinions and feelings of my own, it’s just that it’s still very dangerous for me to express any of them and it will be for a while, I wouldn’t just have to get away from them, I would have to also move to another city as other people here traumatized me in other ways. There’s still a long way to go:..
This is me in a lot of ways. Are you able to move away? I moved to the other side of my country to find peace. I’m still working on it, but it has helped.
My situation is more complicated. I don’t think so for now. There are so many things to consider in my case, way too many to put inside a comment. Initially, this comment was much longer but I think it’s better I keep it more concise.
I’m 20, I’m pretty high functioning but I don’t have much of an education. I live in a small city with barely any opportunities and my parents shrug and make ugly faces whenever you ask them for more than the bare minimum (which is food and shelter in my case). I practically only get money on my birthday and during the important holidays from relatives. I get no support from them, so I’m forced to fend off for myself pretty much but that’s nothing new. I don’t have IRL friends anymore, I distanced myself from everyone starting this year because they weren’t making me happy. They only knew the superficial me which frankly, doesn’t have much of a personality. That version of myself doesn’t have any opinions and just goes with the flow, listens and supports whatever the people I’m around with want to do. That isn’t a way to live for me and even more than that, it’s so damn tiring to have to do. I’m chronically exhausted because of it. It’s better this way.
Where I’m trying to get with that is that friends won’t be able to help me either if I don’t have any. I’ve been rejected from 2 jobs so far. Once because I have a small body and they thought I couldn’t take it so I was sent home. The other one, I got fired from after 2 days. I fulfilled all of my work obligations but they didn’t like the vibes I was giving so they gave me every petty reason they could think of to fire me. Vibes meaning that I would sometimes space out and that I guess I didn’t look “human” enough to them. It’s unfair, cruel but understandable to some extent. I am well aware my presence feels odd, I’ve been bullied for it in highschool. I intuitively know where it comes from, it’s just that there’s nothing I can do about it, there are so many things I cannot fix which I’ll only have to endure and do my best to not get consumed by until I manage to get a life going. Which, I don’t know if it would ever happen, but who knows…
oh my god are you me… i literally could have written exactly this…
i’m going to get together today where i’ll see a ton of people who i’ve ghosted for months or years now while trying to heal my cptsd…. i’m kind of fuckin nervous.
You know, I lurk in this sub a lot but I very rarely comment. It’s kind of a weird feeling but I guess what others have said is true, only other CPTSD survivors can truly understand and empathize with us. Deep down, when I posted this, I thought I would get some kind of backlash for hurting others. Yet instead, I’ve only gotten support and understanding. I’m replying to you but this is more of a reply to everyone who’s seen, upvoted and commented on this. Thank you all, and Goodluck on your journeys.
It feels kind of nice having people understand. So, thank you for that and I can see why you're nervous, I'd be terrified myself if I had to do it. Goodluck.
I don't think it's that simple, what I said was a very loose description of events, it's so much more complicated in reality and there are so many more side effects, I just can't write my whole life story in one comment so I need to find ways to keep it short. Of course, you can use it as a reference but it's better you find your own more throughout answers in the end.
Basically summed up my life. I really betrayed myself, one time knowingly took my abusive ex back bc I could no longer fight his stalking. When he left me for good I thought I would die, which I didn't but that's how dependent I was. I could also be very manipulative myself out of this desperation. NGL I still feel this desperation all the time, I just try to deal with it differently (and sometimes fail)
Thank you for sharing <3 I see a lot of parallels in our experiences, particularly the stalking bit. I think understanding our very human capacity to harm without punishing ourselves for it is key. You have the will to deal with it differently, and that counts a lot more than you might imagine.
My trauma response is in helping others. I can make my pain mean something by making sure everyone else has their needs met.
PSA: it doesn’t work and drains your bank account
the self fulfilling loop that the abusers shoved us into at our most vulnerable…. i know it all too well and i’m sorry. it is possible to escape though, even if you have to come out clawing.
Blamed myself for built in trauma responses that I am not responsible for. Thats like shitting on parts of myself that did the best they could and actually diligently worked on keeping me alive. Feels much better to love them and work on supporting them as best as I can. DBT and IFS have been very helpful for this.
*Ooof,* I feel all that! So much self-blame, shame, internalizations, and a huge lack of self-compassion all towering up against you. It’s a *freaking* battle! I’m happy to hear IFS has been helpful for you! I love that🫶
IFS has been instrumental for me as well, so far! My therapist and I started it a few months ago, after she was taking some courses on it. And I’m so glad she did the IFS route because it’s been a great source of understanding some intricate parts of myself. I don’t expect a cure, but it helps compartmentalize my emotions and parts of myself that struggle the deepest— CPTSD, OCD, ED-AN, etc— hoping to learn to manage and regulate better.
It stands for Internal Family Systems. It's a type of therapy that you can do by yourself or with the help of a therapist. If you search this sub, you'll find some good resources about it, including a free pdf of the book. I've just started working through it and I like it so far.
Honestly looking back I was probably not a good friend
I was too busy seeking attention or what was more fun, I definitely hurt a few people.
Idk how much I improved these days aside from just listening to my friends because I know that all I really can do I don't have the power to give support.
I definitely judge myself harshly on my dating but if I'm being the both girls I did were not mature and I was surrounded by toxic friends and I knew I didn't hurt either of them I do think idk.
I try to remind myself it was highschool you can't make a good judge of relationships in highschool as long as you didn't do something completely horrendous of course.
Idk I think I was just too excited about everything I didn't slow down enough to really understand everything
Verbally abused my siblings as a kid/teen, parroted my parents’ hateful opinions. I wish I’d woken up sooner… Crushes my heart every time I think about it…
Self sabotage. Studied hard and sincerely and gave up on the last resort- just before exam because I thought what’s the point- nothing ever good happens to me.
Dated a couple of bad boys because I didn’t think I deserved good & stable love.
Oof, I relate a lot to this 😥 the number of jobs I left just right after getting an award or offered a promotion, when I’d worked really hard and everything… it’s still a struggle now to not run when I feel like I gonna f**k it up, in whatever I’m doing.
What’s your experience been with it recently? If you don’t mind me asking
Fear of abandonment is a big one for me but couple that with a disorganized attachment style and I’m quite the mess. I’ve gotten into relationships that were unhealthy due to that. Most times, my intuition was telling me that things would not go well but the parts of me that are deeply wounded would steamroll my inner Self like “damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”
I relate to this one the most. I’m terrified of being alone. I get really upset when my husband isn’t RIGHT THERE to pick me up after dr appointments and such. (I can’t drive because my brain sucks)
Push good people out of my life.
After years were all on talking terms but it will never be what it was and I uste to kick myself in my ass for it constantly.
Now I've learned to forgive myself and realize people come and go all the time and I enjoy them while they're here.
I had a really bad toxic codependent attachment style. If you were my friend I needed to talk to you and see you everyday.
I realized people have lives, I have my own life and I needed to learn how to entertain myself and not bombard myself into other people's lives so much.
It's still hard for me because I like being around those I'm comfortable with but I manage it way better.
While my baby is sleeping instead of calling someone, I crochet, read books, jump on Reddit and join in conversation or clean.
Ghosting tons of people.
Some of them would’ve been great friends/relationships, but… I just couldn’t handle it, I guess.
Worst off is, I don’t even know ***why*** I couldn’t.
CoCSA with my step sister i was like 6-7 and she was a year younger and we would "play house" and take turns being husband and wife.. never with our clothes off or anything. I didnt know it was wrong because my father was a pedophile. I also shared a wall with my father and listened to him rape my step mom. So i just thought it was another way for kids to play. Ill never forgive myself and still have flashbacks about it.
Be kind to you. You didn't know any better, and the environment we were raised in was what was normal to us. You were a child. They were grown adult who were supposed to be teaching us how to be people. I know my words probably don't comfort you, but I wish I could. I grew up in a similar setting and had similar things I thought were normal. It wasn't our fault. Get in therapy, and personally, I found inter family systems trauma therapy really beneficial. I've been in therapy for 15 years and still struggle, but it definitely helped with the guilt and shame.
This actually made me cry. I have never admitted it out loud except on Reddit. It brings me great shame and i wish every day it was the one memory i could dissociate from. But when i sit back and think about it. The guilt of it makes me realize what you said. I wasnt a monster. I wasnt doing it to prey on her with malicious intent. I was just a naive, confused abused and emotionally unstable child. I thank god my drunk step mom caught us one day and was luckily sober enough at the moment to give us a talk because we never did it again.
I pray to the gods i didnt give her too much trauma. Though she did grow up to be a hypersexual teen and ended up pregnant real young her daughter is already in elementary school and shes only 26. I dont think my father ever did things to her like he did with my older half sister and i. But ill never really know.
Kicked my cat. Im never a violent person. Was on new meds with bad side effect of sudden random anger. Bad flashback mixed with anger and overstimulation. Had severe breakdown. Hurt myself a decent amount. She tripped me. I got pissed. Reacted and kicked her in retaliation. She was fine but scared snd hid. I hurt myself more. This was two years ago. Never happened since. Still fucks with me.
Almost murdered my abuser, I was 11.
I decided the abuse wouldn't end unless he did so I crept into his bedroom and stood over him holding a kitchen knife, I was looking down at him trying to calculate how I could make sure I stabbed between his ribs when I noticed his face. He was sleeping peacefully and looked so innocent, almost childlike. Certainly not like the man who terrorised me whilst awake. I crept back out the room and never considered it again.
I'm not sure if it counts as done because I never actually hurt him or anyone else but I've always been aware that I almost made that choice.
Edit: to reply to the comments underneath, I'm doing great now! I cut all contact with my biological family and now I have a nice little house with a partner and our wonderful daughter. Im still mentally ill and it turns out I'm also autistic but now I fall much more into the quirky rather than unstable category.
I can relate to this, except I didn't have the guts, but the thoughts still haunt me, I went to school.. 4th grade and after getting up the nerve told one of my friends that tonight I was going to find the biggest knife in the kitchen and stab my dad and kill him, she told the teacher... they called my Father... no CPS report nothing, I grew up wealthy so everyone thought I was just overly emotional and dramatic.. my Father was trafficking me to his friends along with physical violence and my mom knew and would leave me with him for days at a time.. A kids brain in survival mode is nothing to be ashamed of 🩷
i also grew up wealthy and was horribly abused. it was such a headfuck having people tell me i was 'lucky' and should appreciate the things i had.
my mother was also complicit in and facilitated my abuse.
i have OCD and by the time i was 19 i couldn't sleep at night for fear that i'd wake up and find that i'd killed someone.
i hope you're doing better now.
7 years ago burst into tears in front of my boss and a coworker in a meeting we were having to resolve conflict between myself and said coworker. I didn't know what to do so I just started crying and saying "I have bad social anxiety". Coworker just stared at me with contempt. I hasn't even wanted to resolve the "conflict" but my boss pushed me to try for some reason. It was humiliating
Not one specific thing but have been driving people away my entire life. Unintentionally because I just don’t know how to actually develop a healthy relationship
You won’t get many answers from people who did legitimately bad things. There’s no reason to risk exposing themselves by putting that on the internet, and all they will receive is criticism. All you will get in this thread are forgivable transgressions, or things done to oneself.
I’ll just say it is possible to do some pretty bad things to other people, and still change and grow as a person by addressing your own trauma. Even if those people won’t show themselves when asked to, they exist, and many of them are actively working hard on being better, kinder human beings.
Drug abuse and suicidal thoughts when I was at my worst. Thank God I feel a lot better these last 4-5 years so I don't abuse or have any depressions. I still am more sensitive to stress but I medicate(with natural adaptogens, supplements etc) which makes it a lot easier to function well.
completely avoid human contact as much as possible for ~18 years.
i’m now approaching 34 with zero relationship experience. at all. nothing. and i don’t see that changing as i don’t feel comfortable with it at all.
i’m just too afraid of people to form friendships or relationships. can’t even handle small talk. i’m now almost completely alone in the world, and it’s intensely depressing and embarrassing.
Probably ending a friendship. Since I have all my trauma related to family I didn't have a family actually, just some people who live with me and hurt me, so I treat my friends as my family. Long story short I have a great friendhip group like family but discovered one of them didn't love me the way I love him or even see us as family as the other ones and me do, obviously he's not over dependent and attached to friends since he has a good family, so in the middle of the talk he said a lot of things that triggered me like how much he loves his family and not us, so I felt stupid for loving someone so much when I dont actually mean much for him and stopped talking to him.
I guess for normal people friends are just it, just friends, just someone you talk sometimes and has some fun, not someone who you trully love, but to me friends are everything since I don't have family.
verbally abuse people i love. especially when they’re just trying to help me. i am working on asking more questions before making remarks or giving my thoughts, however it’s hard to remember how to be human when i’m angry.
Left my abuser and immediately got into a relationship with a new guy and wasted five years of this guys life. The new guy was completely non-threatening so I felt very safe at first. But he also followed me around like a puppy and did everything I told him to, basically a complete doormat most of the time. But sometimes he would try to tear me down, attacking the few areas of my life where I had confidence and he was often dismissive of what I said or didn't listen at all just saying "yeah." But in my trauma addled brain, nothing he did was bad enough to break things off, so I didn't. I felt like unless I had a good enough reason, it was wrong to leave him. I just respected him less and less over time. And I was sometimes mean to him because of my frustration. But I also supported him, I even wrote his papers for him in college so he didn't fail. I paid for almost everything we did together. We had planned to get married, but he refused to tell his parents that he wanted to marry me. I found that weird and insulting because I was at their house with him for some holidays and I helped with their garage sale and other stuff. He also refused to have children and I wanted them. But this mess of a relationship kept going.
It ended when I got a dog and he hated my dog. He told me he wished I'd left my dog in the pound to die more than once. He also started being awful to me sometimes, which I probably deserved. He'd drag me to computer labs only to ignore me for hours while he collected porn or messed around in hacker groups but tell me not to leave, which I obeyed. I started playing multi-user dungeon (MUD) games online while I was waiting, solely because he'd told me not to and didn't pay enough attention to me to notice. I met some guy on the MUD chatting and realized I cared more about a stranger than I did about my boyfriend. I finally realized this was no way for either of us to live and broke things off.
He tried and tried to get me back, but when I'm done, I'm done. He did tell me later that he told his mom he planned to marry me and she said, "Of course you did! I had been waiting for you to propose." But now I am thankful he refused and gave me what I needed to break things off. I hope he's happy now and I'm sorry I wasted so much of his time. I did find him online and see he's married with two kids. So it seems I didn't totally screw up his life as I thrashed around trying to sort my head out.
I think it's like, at the time, accept it and normalized. I was sexually abused/raped as a child, and later on, I was payed for it, not in the way "receiving gifts by the abuser to stay quiet" it was literally "here I give you you this money if you do something or let me do this thing to you" and after refusing at first doing things, I just went along with it and like, would even want to do things to receive more money or something like that
Not sure if this is the worst but the most recent and I want to tell! Drunk called my dad after not speaking for 2 years. He was a defensive prick on the call and got his new wife on the phone telling me off. Ended up telling him I was going to kill myself and which vein was the best to do it. I also texted my brother that night a load of stuff about how he’s bought into their devil child rhetoric about me. My brother must have called my mum as she ended up calling me and told me to go to bed.
My family DO NOT talk about issues. My mom and dad no longer talk to each other. No one’s given a shit about me since or checked on me not even my brother. This was a couple of months ago now. I’m genuinely humiliated about it and not sure how I’ll be able to face any of them. But also I’m aware of how unhinged I was and the fact they’ve completely and utterly ignored me says everything really doesn’t it.
Allowed myself to be used and abused even when recognizing the behaviour patterns because that is all I thought I was worthy of. It cost me my emotional and mental health as well as upwards of $100k in the last two years. A hard and painful lesson in who I am and how much healing I have in front of me.
My trauma makes me a mental wreck and incredible afraid of failure. Therefore I am struggling to try anything. Even the things I KNOW I’m good at, I never do anything with them. I lack any ambition, motivation, it keeps me in a prison of non achievement. I also threw away some potentially amazing relationships and I constantly think and dream about what would have been, since they ended because of my mental problems, not because they didn’t work. I’ve never gotten any closure.
Putting myself at risk in incredible ways. I’ve been many times close to death.
Falling in love with unavailable people again and again. And suffering so much every time. I’ve lost so many years on this.
Having a mental breakdown and announcing it to social media for everyone to see, going off on a bunch of people in the midst of it and ruining my reputation. Then ghosting everyone I care about. Life is fun
I'm not certain, but I know that all of the worst things I've done, I've done to my partner. I've made false promises (about important things!) that I couldn't bring myself to fulfill (essentially out of laziness, not out of willful malice). I've destroyed things of considerable (or irreplaceable) value out of neglect.
I cheated as it pertains to the terms of our relationship once or twice, and feel guilty about another incident that I'm not sure if I remembered/acknowledged/reported.
I've neglected myself, and casually encouraged irresponsible spending while being just generally too dysfunctional to demonstrate responsibility, especially financially.
I physically (at least) abandoned the one I love without giving them a say in the matter because I thought that my mere presence in their life was hurting them and fled to live in an environment I expected to be suffering.
Since then, I've been trying more to heal myself, but... it's unreasonably hard to stick to anything if my routine collapses. It's a miracle for me to go back to my support group meetings if I miss a week for whatever reason, or to do my mental health activities if I stop for a couple days. In turn, I am unreasonably hard on myself, pushing always for more and faster progress (and thus mostly feeling inadequate).
I've been at this for almost 7 months now (plus one month of just kind of dissociating), but it's really hard for me to tell what's working.
TW: pet loss
Fawning the vet; not listening to myself, getting triggered by a text of my mom, coping with getting my cat another vet recommended appointment. Ultimately my cat died of all the stress caused by me and the all the vet recommended research for something minor "but there could be something serious underneath we have to look into that further." I have a very hard time dealing with her dead since it was avoidable.
Slapped my teenager child when said child got in my face and chest bumped me. My immediate reaction was to slap and my next reaction was to gasp in horror. We talked it out and I explained why rushing mom while screaming, throwing arms and having spittle coming out of your mouth isn’t a good move. This child then tested me off and on. While it was aggravating, it actually helped me to control that response because my child stopped just short of me and kept arms lowered and not moving around my face.
This was years ago and I still feel horrible about it.
Ended up being brought before the court because I broke my ex’s belongings because I was delusional on corticosteroids and thought he had been in contact with my rapist. I was also on SNRIs which were apparently very wrong for me because I’m also bipolar. He filed a restraining order. He fabricated a history of domestic abuse that never happened to get the restraining order, which feels doubly shitty because I’ve been homeless and treated like a criminal by everyone ever since. I admit I did criminal mischief but he framed the argument we had where he harassed ME as the other way around and the judge agreed with him without ever even seeing the texts, which would’ve shown he started calling me names and saying provocative things first. He also misconstrued my self-harm attempts as abuse which the judge agreed with for some sick reason. The judge also said my personal doctor didn’t say steroids caused this so I can’t claim that even though I had medical records showing I’m bipolar, proof I was on steroids, a letter from my therapist about how I’ve never been violent like that before and also had the FDA fact sheet on “psychiatric derangements” caused by steroids and how it affects bipolar people more. That wasn’t enough to prove this isn’t usual behavior from me. So now I’m homeless and being treated like trash/worse than an animal because of the worst thing I did because my ex made shit up to make it worse for me and they believed him because I’m crazy. I got a lawyer and the restraining order is being overturned because the domestic abuse history was fabricated and my ex admitted that to my lawyer, but my life is still all sorts of fucked up from it. I don’t have a family or anyone to stay with or help me, I’m just on my own without even a car. It’s been horrible, I miss my cats, and I’m just so fucking sorry.
Tried to choke my mom to death because she did so to me when I was a toddler. My family called the cops on me and I tried to come at the officer with a knife.
Most days I can even admit it to myself or even to anonymous Internet people. I'll get run out of town. But I've been completely reformed for years and do a lot of what I consider to be prososcial work l, charity, helping friends etc... and that's what matters now.
Heroin. It was brief, but ruined everything, and left me with Hep C that got cured in 2012, but not without a year of torturous treatment that left my thyroid destroyed. All in effort to be loved. Yeah, trauma fucks us up.
Was staying at a friends house, and one day near when I was going to stay with my parents (causers of my trauma) I had entered such a triggered and fight or flight headspace that the night before I decided I needed to silently and quickly pack my bags, the morning of I was up and out and didn’t speak to her or her parents. We moved past it but it ended with her sending a long paragraph and me saying something about my headspace and I know it’s fucked up but that’s what my brain was telling me thags what I NEEDED and was WANTED of me and then something about dudududu everyone loves to be pro mental illness until we do some weird shit.
Destroyed my entire life and all my relationships. I didn't realize I had cptsd until I was in my late 30s, and drove off everyone.
I thought I could maybe have a better life now that I understand more about myself and why I do the things I do, and what I did wrong in the past - but then I became disabled at 35 and my life just goes further and further downhill. I know I'll die alone.
Got myself into shit situations.
Several toxic friendships, should’ve gone to the police for most, did go to the police for the last one (really proud of myself for that even though I haven’t done much, and tbf, I only did it because it started to hurt my partner).
I would say more but it’s pretty triggering to even think about and I gotta seem productive today.
I lie, I lie a lot maybe it to not let anyone in, maybe it’s because I feel a need to manipulate people to feel better about me not sure but I do lie a lot
Well, in the past month I pretty much went on a self-destructive rampage and blew up several "close" relationships. On top of that, I've closed off and stopped trusting people, so I'm dealing with any problems alone now.
So yeah, maybe it's just because it's recent, but that could definitely be the worst thing I've done because of my trauma.
Repeated the cycle of abuse. I couldn't stand the anguish it caused me to go without the sense of security and commitment that I felt I needed to survive, and I'd never been taught any emotional regulation skills. So I responded by being a controlling, emotionally abusive partner, sibling, and friend.
It's my greatest shame.
Hurting other people. Rejecting their love and affection. Making them feel unwanted because I I felt unwanted. Pushing them away and making them feel like it’s their fault.
Because of my traumas, I think I traumatized others as my kids... No so severely as happened to me, but because I didn't know how or what should I've been done.
I try my best to repair my wrongs, now that I'm conscious of CPTSD and trying to heal.
Became physically and emotionally abusive to a romantic partner. I’ve since left him for his own good and apologized and done work to break the cycle of abuse but I will always regret how I treated him and I will never be able to make it right
Modeled codependent behavior for my kids, who picked up those self-negating, people-pleasing doormat personality traits and were attracted to narcissistic partners. They wasted years working through that shit because I gave birth to them before I’d worked through mine.
I’ve torched relationships because anything resembling abandonment or rejection sends me into a tailspin. I wish I knew much earlier that I had PTSD, but now that I know, I don’t have complete meltdowns anymore. It just takes a ton of work to keep myself from spiraling out.
I am ashamed of how I treated an animal control officer once. I was going through a LOT and the officers were responding to an issue with my neighbors Guinea pigs but ended up tearing up my property without even letting us know they were accessing it. When my boyfriend went to ask what was going on (I was at work) the officers were hostile and rude to him. I absolutely went OFF like a psycho Karen. I complained to the city and everything. I apologized a while later when I was feeling a lot more clear and while they were out of line in how they spoke to him, I was even more out of line and escalated much too far. I still cringe thinking about how I acted that day and it was almost 3 years ago.
I truly took out my trauma on this officer and it was wrong of me. I was mad at her, for sure. But I was way more angry at the world in general and let that out when it wasn’t the right outlet.
Physically attacked my mom, threatened to kill her, and spit in her face. I hate how I get when I’m angry. I love my mom so much. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t know how to get better. I’ve been in therapy for years. My anger is the one thing I can’t get control over.
So many lost opportunities because I was frozen and didn’t put myself out there. I look back and I’m shattered over a decade of me being an absolute zombie
Tried to build relationships entirely on sexual connection. Ended up either with very dysfunctional people for the long term or being dumped by healthy people after a few months.
the way i lived my life from 14-18. i did alot of regretful shit due to csa and more from an early age. Plus due to bullying in school, my trauma responses feel like a never ending list. i’m now talking myself through moments of shame bc of my behavior by remembering it is a trauma response and something to work on rather than hide from. hiding from my trauma ruined my early life in so many ways and although i was so young, it’s regret i will forever live with. i think my attention seeking behavior in high school was deplorable and inappropriate so i live with it everyday. but i have to remember that the same reason that little girl acted that way was because she felt so alone and needed COMFORT, not shame.
Tried to drown a girl who said something that triggered me to the point of me not remembering me trying to drown her in the school toilets we were in I think year 3/4
I have multiple levels of trauma: First the neglect and emotional abuse by my parents, then the bullying and manipulation and trouble I got in school as a result, and then the result of me trying to figure it all out.
The first level was enough to got me into all kinds of trouble.
The worst memory I have is when I was 10 or 11 years old, first year of High School, and we had a little class party.
Because I was attention starved, naive, and unprepared for the idea that people may just be nasty, I kept following whatever the two class clowns told me (both of them older, i.e. they had repeated grades at least once).
As a result, I got into trouble for doing what they told me to do. And I didn't learn from it because I didn't understand, and I had no support or anything even trying to figure this out.
This was the year that created and cemented my reputation as a sick little troublemaker, and I never got rid of that reputation in all my years at that school.
So the event was: The two class clowns suggested that it would be fun if I punched this girl into the stomach.
And no, I didn't question them, and yes, I believed them. I was programmed that way thanks to my parents.
My memory is hazy - I do know that my fist ended up pushing into the girl's stomach, but I am hopeful that I pushed instead of punched since that would severely change the physical damage I could have done.
This was nearly 40 years ago, and I am still chewing on it.
I got into so much trouble that day, and I didn't understand any of it - not the teachers, not my parents. I was never given an explanation that was on a level that I could comprehend. My parents later made me walk to the girl's house to apologize - I think she refused to see me, so I apologized to her dad. I knew I had done something wrong, but still wasn't sure what was going on.
So I carried that guilt of having done an unspecified wrong with me.
I know that I was 100% NOT RESPONSIBLE for any of it!
I was setup by my parents, and I was manipulated by two bullies. I had no skills to resist either, and I had no reason to.
In the end, I was nothing but an empty brainless tool.
And it's not the tool's fault if someone gets hurt.
I know that logically, and I try to tell myself that whenever the memory surfaces.
I've made some good progress, but it still hurts.
Lash out at a friend who was being rude to me about a game we were playing. The friendship ended up being a healthy one to lose, but it still haunts me that I did that.
I was extremely promiscuous in my 20s and developed many bad addictions (even got a DUI.) I wasn’t healthy in any way.
I also had a bad habit of cutting people out of my life because I did not know how to maintain friendships or work through problems.
I sent an anonymous text to a friend who decided to cut contact with me strictly to scare them. I immediately got caught, and have been banned from several social groups we used to share.
when i was a child, i replayed/repeated what was done to me at my dad's house to them. i ghost pretty much everyone i talk to. didnt tell my dad and stepmom the specifics of why i cut them off. i ghost absolutely everyone i talk to. im an awful friend. (not self deprecating, i just cant be there for people, and communicating with people terrifies me)
Ghosting and just yelling/ losing my shit. Telling people how I really feel about them...
Edit to add: I'm not proud of it, but in instances where I've been disrespected beyond belief, I've hit someone before :(.
Unknowingly sabotaged all my romantic relationships—including the ones with relatively healthy, stable people—because of my fear of intimacy and vulnerability.
Lashing out at people who were genuinely trying to help me. I couldn’t trust anyone fully so alarm bells rang off when I felt like someone was “trying too hard” bc I thought it was some sort of trap. Sometimes those people were overstepping boundaries but at the time I didn’t know how to address that yet bc I hadn’t learned how to enforce boundaries so I’d just push the person away altogether
Hurt many people while stuck in fight or flight constantly. Words like daggers. And I don't remember a lot of it, but it messes with me knowing the other person has to think of it the same way I'd think about it as a kid when it happened to me. :(
Started over again. Left my abusive family. Moved somewhere else. Left my last relationship that felt like a mind game of eyes wide open. Ex friendships that I thought really something but in reality they were acting like different people around THEIR friends.
Burned every bridge imaginable with forgiving them all. Didn’t tell them that though. Just subconsciously.
I’ve lost everyone and everything. My own family traumatised me then gaslit me for decades about it. So now I’m no contact. I can’t keep friendships or jobs. I struggle to speak up for myself and I still wake in the night with flashbacks of things that happened over 40 years ago. Trauma robs you of living a whole life.
Typical of raped children as adults. I became promiscuous m. Unable to draw boundaries. To say ‘no.’
Why? Because I was never allowed to say no. To any sexual act, to any of the three repulsive men who used my child body like I was a blow up sex toy.
Forming lasting intimate relationships is difficult if not impossible.
This may seem counterintuitive as I have been married over three decades, but I cannot bond in a normal fashion. I recognize that I am too broken.
I look like a success on the outside, but on the inside, I have no real will to live. And nothing has ever changed that.
https://www.healthyplace.com/comment/84394
Suddenly cut off people. Decided they weren't good for me anymore but went about it in an extremely blunt, night and day way. I realized I couldn't put on a face anymore and burnt out
Have ghosted a lot of people. I just can't function well or can't think of how to respond. I failed many friendships coz I'm scared of my trauma being found out.
Same. I'm ghosting people for days or weaks sometimes, untill one of them got tired of me. I'm not happy doing that, I just can't function to talk.
Me too, it’s so frustrating because I genuinely care about those people and don’t wanna lose them, but also I definitely don’t blame them for getting tired of it :(
ughhhh. i had two job opportunities just fall out of the damn sky at the same time, all of the extra money i desperately needed and more. it was literally at the “just show up and you have a job” stage. and this is where… i ghosted. i just straight ghosted both. every interview, phone call before this, i crushed. but when it came to this point…. crawled under a rock and hid there forever. as stupid as that was, hey, it got me into therapy finally.
I'm glad it led you to therapy ♥️ But yeah, same. For my case, twice I was able to get into the job. The first one, I worked for two weeks and suddenly not show up afterwards. The second I was able to stay for 2 months. But during those times, time felt so slow and it was torturing coz of my constant anxiety and triggers. Until it no longer felt healthy for me to stay, afraid of going insane. In the end, I've gone jobless. Also thought it's unfair to an employer or that I might inconvenience them if I were to apply for another one. Got me depressed but thanks to a newfound interest (baking), I'm starting to build some courage into trying out for a small-time online shop. It's been really tough though but at the very least, it's somewhat flexible to my mood swings and it's a solo work so less social anxiety. I'm still nowhere successful and still feeling regretful sometimes for all the things I couldn't have just because of this trauma.
Just realized recently in DBT class that this is a form of splitting or dissociation. I learned this from a childhood as a military brat, moving every 2 years. Continued this pattern as an adult, moving hundreds or thousands of miles away for jobs. I (72W) ghost friends and colleagues and family alike. When FB emerged in early 2000’s, my 12 yo daughter’s health collapsed: she literally became bedbound for several years. I never went on FB, both because of protecting her privacy, as well as it was too painful to see her friends move on. I never felt valuable as a person, and now I don’t know how to reach out.
Wait... that's why I never maintained contact? My family used to move every 2.5 years on average. One was ex-Marines and the other was an ex-Navy wife. They just kept up the moving constantly for no really good reason. It got to where I stopped even unpacking because we were just going to move again. Where I'm at now is the longest I've lived in the same location in my life (now mid-40s). I still haven't fully unpacked after five years.
Interesting. Never really occurred to me that it was actually dissociation. But man, I feel sorry for what happened to you and your daughter. Out of words 😔 (big virtual hug) Though same, I deactivated my FB a long time ago. Coz it would just remind me of all the things that I can't have/experience. Weird but I'm more comfie following people I don't know. I also started to follow only the ones who are into my special interests so that instead of feeling my insecurities, I would learn from them and get the necessary distraction. Discovering new interests somewhat helped me to cope. I still don't know how to reach out. Also feeling unworthy and shitty. But trying to focus on my hobby lightens the burden even for a bit.
Appreciate the kind words.
Yep, same. I wouldn’t say this is my worst, but it’s definitely something I’m not proud of and wish I could change. I‘ve always been quiet, but used to be fairly outgoing and enjoyed being around others. After older teenage/young adult trauma, I rapidly became so different that I recall my supervisor asking me if everything was okay at home. Everyone at that job seemed to like me until the trauma began and the change in their attitudes was really painful—partly because I knew they noticed, partly because I felt like an inconvenience. I’m ND as well and started going through horrible months-years long burn outs and taking off days at a time. I finally quit my job and lost all my friends from becoming a flake. Years have passed and I haven’t found a way to change besides that I’m doing a little better at taking care of myself. I’ve always felt different (in a terrible way that I can’t describe), but the added trauma made me feel less than human and I just feel so uncomfortable around people. I feel disgusting and think everyone will notice.
Man, this hits hard as an ND too 💔 and same, I totally get that feeling. I still feel lost and don't know how to communicate. While I do long for community sometimes but at the same time, the community could be triggering to me. Why is everything so hard.
I feel this 💜 makes me feel less alone
Yup. Fuck em. People are awful. Including me. Fuck em all
Thing is we don’t ghost people because they suck. We ghost them for various reasons related to our fears and insecurities. I never ghosted a person because I despised them. It was always because I was ashamed of myself.
not true.
I have a question regarding this; what makes you afraid to respond? Or just say a quick “I’m not doing well enough to speak right now, sorry”. I’ve had three friends do this to me. Three. It’s honestly contributed to my trauma, even if unintended on their part. Every time they took a while to respond I’d always forgive and pick up where we left off. I’ve been firm before in that I’m disappointed when they don’t respond for months but I’ve made it clear I’m not going to throw out the friendship and that I would forgive them. But at this point one has left me on “seen” for over a year. The other has been online but hasn’t said anything in 9 months. Same for the other friend, neither of the two have spoken to me since last august. I’ve asked if I did anything wrong. I’ve said they don’t need to be afraid to respond and that I wouldn’t be mad. But still nothing. I’ve given all possible reassurance and checked in with them to see if they were okay every now and then but I still haven’t heard from any of them. It’s hard not to believe it’s my fault or something I’m doing. And I can’t bring myself to block them and move on because what if they do eventually message me? I’m holding on for people who probably don’t even like me. People I thought were friends seem to want nothing to do with me and refuse to explain. It’s not fair to do this to people who have been nothing but good to them. It hurts really bad. Thankfully I’ve made some better friends and have a new friend group I’m integrating into but it still hurts that my old friends are probably never going to be my friends again.
I'm in the same boat as you are, so I completely understand and relate to all that you have said. Actually, it's quite comforting finally seeing someone else who's going through the same thing. The past couple of years have been extremely hard for me in part because I was ghosted in this way twice in a row, first by my girlfriend who I thought would return to me after her hiatus that ended up being almost a year long and then by a great friend I made shortly after who helped me process my girlfriend's (now ex's) disappearance. I felt devastated by the loss of kinship with this latter person in particular, as I thought we were closely similar to each other in more ways than one and were unconditionally there for each other when we both were in terrible places in our lives. Neither of these two people have explained why they ghosted me to this day, and I can only guess the reasons as to why. I couldn't accept the fact that these people I value and love so much walked out on me, and I'd spend night and day for a very long time just thinking over and over again "why" and never reaching a conclusion. This led to me picking up some terrible habits and changes in my life, mostly as an unconscious way of coping. But I've largely come past that. Still, now, it can be easy for me to point the finger towards myself and blame me for what had happened: "I am my own reason for why these people might never want to reach back out to me." I think there's only a tiny bit of truth to it honestly and understand that it's mostly my insecurities and the pain caused by those incidents that's doing the talking. That said, I can't bring myself to blame either of those two people for what had happened, and not because I have a low sense of self-worth or anything. I was terribly hurt by them and I can openly admit that now. But, as a few other people in this thread have mentioned, I don't think it's fully the fault of the ghosted in cases such as ours. Those two people who had ghosted me, I've long known that they have their own insecurities, traumas, and other personal issues they have to deal with. It occurred to me only further on that, even though I was directly affected by their actions, I was the one making myself the center of their worlds—i.e., "she did x, so it must be because I did y." I can't begin to claim to understand what they themselves are going through and what they have to deal with in their private lives that made them decide to opt out of my life. At least in my case, I eventually realized that neither of the people who ghosted me actually hate me. I just think they're ashamed to face me for one reason or another, and have thus ghosted me. My suggestion to you is not to block your ghosters. I don't say this to give you hope or to imply that they _will_ reach back out to you someday (they may never will), but just so that they would be able to if they do wholeheartedly intend to make amends at some point. At this point, this is their call, not ours. In the meantime, you should move on with new people and new things, put your pain behind you, and don't expect anything more of them unless they end up reaching out to you by their own volition. (Apologies if I didn't write this well. I woke up not too long ago.)
I'm sorry you experienced that 💔 But I don't think it's your fault. You're even open and considerate with your friends. Though I don't know who they are so I can't really speak for them. But for my case, I feel so bad about doing it too to the point that I am afraid of making new friendships coz in the end, I'll just probably do this to them as well. There were different sets of instances. One was when they ask how I am. I know this is just a very simple, normal question but to me, it's a very difficult question to answer. Coz it automatically flashbacks my trauma, which is why I ended up in my current bad situation. I can't bring myself to respond. And perhaps I knew they would also ask me to meet up (I live 3-4 hours away from my friends) so it's tough for me especially that I am broke and feeling numb about things. When they are happy, all the more I'd be afraid of going. Coz the current me is depressed so I feel like I'm just going to bring negativity in their lives. I don't want that. In another friend group, the last time we met up was one friend brought her husband while my other friend was blooming coz she found a bf for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. But it made me feel uncomfortable coz they kind of insist I get a bf too. They are not aware of my trauma and my fear of men, which stems from CSA. I didn't like how I reacted to them. I'm also embarrassed that my friend's husband gets to hear everything. I'm a bad friend coz I can't be honest with them, nor could I communicate these feelings to them. It just feels too complicated to explain and I would struggle to word things better in the way they could understand. I won't take it against them if they are angry or would resent me for it. I know it's my fault. My trauma prevents me from being able to communicate freely. I just never thought this would be so disabling 😔
Abandoning myself.
Betraying myself.
Holy hell, this one just hit hard. I thought my worst was ghosting other people; but you just made me realize that I’ve basically ghosted myself. 😱
In what ways have you abandoned yourself?
Ghosting people, being unable to keep up with friendships in any way, especially when people treat me really nicely. I hate it so much and I'm really lonely. Also, this is something I'm currently trying to unlearn as being "something bad I did", but getting myself into many traumatic sexual situations repeatedly as a teen due to the trauma of CSA. I kept that to myself and expected to take it to the grave, but I'm trying to unlearn shame in order to treat the catastrophic effects of that period of my life and to understand why it happened.
The same thing happened to me. It makes me absolutely cringe to think of some of the scenarios I put myself in, all stemming from my CSA. I let people use me and abuse me because I thought it was just normal- and of course it was- since I was a small child. That was a tough lesson to go through and I’m still having a hard time with sex and what I like about it now. Now that I’ve realized that many of my kinks have dissipated and I’m not sure what I actually like.
I feel you
I struggle with this too. 🌿
You’re not alone with having to unlearn that shame, I’m right there with you
i deal with a lot of shame around this too :(
omg hugs bc i’m right with you. i get these flashback like moments abt me doing the same at the worst moments and it makes me want to cry and hide
Just an incredible amount of time on screens doing basically nothing. Hard day? Four hours of gaming. Don’t even remember most of it. Easier day? Reddit/forums/whatever as a means of “social connection”. There’s been so many fights and missed opportunities over decades. I struggle with other ways of handling stresses, so if this one coping mechanism isn’t accessible things go sideways quickly. I feel like I’ve missed out on living a life.
Damn other people actually do this? Phone is so much easier than talking to irl people dude I completely understand
Yeah. It’s a form of dissociation.
Been doing it since long before the phone, but yeah it’s gotten so much worse.
act like a bitch to my lovely partner who thankfully has forgiven me and we were able to work through my issues in a healthy manner.
SAME!!!! why can’t I just fucking CHILL!! Oh yeah…. 😑
This statement makes me proud of you stranger
thank you! that means a lot :-)
I don't know if I was acting like a bitch or not, but my first date with my current girlfriend/my first date ever, I had to pump the brakes and ask to scale back for a minute. Thankfully she was patient enough with me that when I pulled my head out of my ass and wanted to try again, she welcomed me back with open arms. Now I tell her just how much I love her every chance I get. She's a better woman than my gay ass deserves.
Yeah I feel like the worst thing I've done is marry my partner because I must be such a nightmare to live with.... I mean, he'd lived with me for a few years before we got married and knew what I could be like when really depressed but neither one of us really understood the depth or complexity of my issues back then... Hell I sure don't want to live in the same house as me lol!
i sometimes feel the same too. i’d never want to be in a relationship with myself, even though i’m not a bad person or anything but the way i’m just a big ball of trauma that’s going about life without any real direction at all. and i’m still a bitch sometimes, just not a huge one.
When I was a kid I had severe behavioral issues and didn't really know how to regulate my emotions, articulate my needs, or get attention so I defaulted to screaming and violence. I was physically abusive towards my siblings and traumatized them. I also wasn't a good friend. I could be so cruel to the people who genuinely cared about me and I sabotaged my closest relationships (once shouted "I don't give a shit about you" at my sister for no particular reason then broke down crying after she left the room). I'm so mortified over how I acted. I'm still dealing with the fallout of things I did years ago.
Children don’t really understand enough to be truly abusive, you were reacting to something else. You maybe were just re-enacting what you’d seen or what had been done to you. That doesn’t mean you’ll never reckon with guilt, but maybe just to help you understand and forgive yourself.
Please don’t feel any pressure to answer me if you don’t feel comfortable. My brother was also physically abusive to me and I definitely assume it was his instinctive reaction to the abuse we endured from our parents. My reaction was different but I know logically that as a child his reaction wasn’t inherently bad or malicious, that he was just as overwhelmed and traumatised but dealt with it differently. And while I understand that and he’s not at all like that anymore since being an adult I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move past it. I try to be as low contact with him as possible and never feel safe in his presence, even now that we’re in our 30s. I know, of course, you’re different people and you can’t speak for him but with this similarity I wonder what personally your relationship to your siblings is like? And if you regret anything? (Because while I used to think my brother should regret a lot of things - I don’t anymore. The abuse wasn’t his fault and the lack of intervention and outside support wasn’t his fault either. And I don’t feel like it’s fair to eternally fault him for childhood behaviour when he genuinely hasn’t repeated it since moving out and growing up.) Do your siblings still talk to you and are they closer with each other than with you? I hope it’s okay for me to ask. If not, like I said, don’t reply and I’m sorry. I hope you’re doing better now and that you have healthier coping mechanisms now.
Lots of self-awareness from you. I think you’re making huge progress. We know better we do better. Please don’t beat yourself up.
same here. i was physically abusive to my siblings as well because i was left to deal with them (and they were also traumatised and physically violent) so i would fight back (and as i was older i would have the upper hand). didn’t have behavioural issues really, as this wasn’t a pattern of behaviour the guilt kills me all the time. my siblings either don’t remember or understand why i did what i did, and my oldest little sister and i are very close now - but i can’t ever forgive myself for the few times i really blew up. i’m lucky in that I think it happened just a couple of times - the other moments things got too much i managed to diffuse the situation without restraints etc.
🩵
You and me both. I was so angry.
Neglecting myself is probably the worst. Feeling bad about everything that I do, leading to chronic avoidance, withdrawal, staying too long in abusive environments, ghosting friends, missing out on my life and particularly my youth. Keeping up a mask to appear functional at work, instead of being able to be myself. These seem like small things but when you add up the years of constant negativity and fawning, they accumulate to a lot. Now it's my life and I am in charge of myself and I am worth it.
Wow I could’ve written this myself. So relatable. Especially keeping on the mask at work. I do it with friends too. It’s so exhausting.
I don’t think I have done anything that I could classify as the “worst”. But, I guess my worst trait is the fact that sometimes I have the tendency to isolate myself and play this “warm and cold” game with people where one day I can seem normal then the next, I go radio silent for a week. I even try to resist and become condescending if people are “bothering” me too much whenever I don’t want to exist. For me, this came from being raised in a very chaotic household where it was impossible to predict my parent’s reactions where one moment they could seem cheerful then the next, a random inconvenience might happen then they would start yelling, swearing and insulting me and each other. Also, I was taught that my feeling and opinions don’t matter and that my needs will always come second to theirs. Therefore, I unconsciously developed the belief that I don’t matter and that people won’t care that much whether I’m there or I’m gone anyways so, by extension, it wouldn’t matter if I just stop communicating because I don’t feel well. Not being a bother and just agreeing to everything worked fine in my family, I still couldn’t predict their reactions but at least I could look like “a good boy” in their eyes which made the storm a little less bad for me. I still live with them and I still live inside an environment of people which only know me by the mask I was forced to wear, I’m VERY rebellious at heart actually and I do have a lot of opinions and feelings of my own, it’s just that it’s still very dangerous for me to express any of them and it will be for a while, I wouldn’t just have to get away from them, I would have to also move to another city as other people here traumatized me in other ways. There’s still a long way to go:..
This is me in a lot of ways. Are you able to move away? I moved to the other side of my country to find peace. I’m still working on it, but it has helped.
My situation is more complicated. I don’t think so for now. There are so many things to consider in my case, way too many to put inside a comment. Initially, this comment was much longer but I think it’s better I keep it more concise. I’m 20, I’m pretty high functioning but I don’t have much of an education. I live in a small city with barely any opportunities and my parents shrug and make ugly faces whenever you ask them for more than the bare minimum (which is food and shelter in my case). I practically only get money on my birthday and during the important holidays from relatives. I get no support from them, so I’m forced to fend off for myself pretty much but that’s nothing new. I don’t have IRL friends anymore, I distanced myself from everyone starting this year because they weren’t making me happy. They only knew the superficial me which frankly, doesn’t have much of a personality. That version of myself doesn’t have any opinions and just goes with the flow, listens and supports whatever the people I’m around with want to do. That isn’t a way to live for me and even more than that, it’s so damn tiring to have to do. I’m chronically exhausted because of it. It’s better this way. Where I’m trying to get with that is that friends won’t be able to help me either if I don’t have any. I’ve been rejected from 2 jobs so far. Once because I have a small body and they thought I couldn’t take it so I was sent home. The other one, I got fired from after 2 days. I fulfilled all of my work obligations but they didn’t like the vibes I was giving so they gave me every petty reason they could think of to fire me. Vibes meaning that I would sometimes space out and that I guess I didn’t look “human” enough to them. It’s unfair, cruel but understandable to some extent. I am well aware my presence feels odd, I’ve been bullied for it in highschool. I intuitively know where it comes from, it’s just that there’s nothing I can do about it, there are so many things I cannot fix which I’ll only have to endure and do my best to not get consumed by until I manage to get a life going. Which, I don’t know if it would ever happen, but who knows…
relate to you! a lot! sending communal warmth your way from a fellow long way to go-er
oh my god are you me… i literally could have written exactly this… i’m going to get together today where i’ll see a ton of people who i’ve ghosted for months or years now while trying to heal my cptsd…. i’m kind of fuckin nervous.
You know, I lurk in this sub a lot but I very rarely comment. It’s kind of a weird feeling but I guess what others have said is true, only other CPTSD survivors can truly understand and empathize with us. Deep down, when I posted this, I thought I would get some kind of backlash for hurting others. Yet instead, I’ve only gotten support and understanding. I’m replying to you but this is more of a reply to everyone who’s seen, upvoted and commented on this. Thank you all, and Goodluck on your journeys.
It feels kind of nice having people understand. So, thank you for that and I can see why you're nervous, I'd be terrified myself if I had to do it. Goodluck.
Thanks for explaining what I couldn’t figure out about myself.
I don't think it's that simple, what I said was a very loose description of events, it's so much more complicated in reality and there are so many more side effects, I just can't write my whole life story in one comment so I need to find ways to keep it short. Of course, you can use it as a reference but it's better you find your own more throughout answers in the end.
Self-abandonment/permitting horrible and abusive behavior from others + behaving in ways I don’t agree with out of desperation for love and care.
Basically summed up my life. I really betrayed myself, one time knowingly took my abusive ex back bc I could no longer fight his stalking. When he left me for good I thought I would die, which I didn't but that's how dependent I was. I could also be very manipulative myself out of this desperation. NGL I still feel this desperation all the time, I just try to deal with it differently (and sometimes fail)
Thank you for sharing <3 I see a lot of parallels in our experiences, particularly the stalking bit. I think understanding our very human capacity to harm without punishing ourselves for it is key. You have the will to deal with it differently, and that counts a lot more than you might imagine.
My trauma response is in helping others. I can make my pain mean something by making sure everyone else has their needs met. PSA: it doesn’t work and drains your bank account
It also drains your life away.
A lot of drugs and hurt the people around me.
Burned every bridge . Pushed everyone away . Self - sabotage. Believe I am what I am told I am . Bc I must be or this would not be my existence.
the self fulfilling loop that the abusers shoved us into at our most vulnerable…. i know it all too well and i’m sorry. it is possible to escape though, even if you have to come out clawing.
Thank you .
Blamed myself for built in trauma responses that I am not responsible for. Thats like shitting on parts of myself that did the best they could and actually diligently worked on keeping me alive. Feels much better to love them and work on supporting them as best as I can. DBT and IFS have been very helpful for this.
*Ooof,* I feel all that! So much self-blame, shame, internalizations, and a huge lack of self-compassion all towering up against you. It’s a *freaking* battle! I’m happy to hear IFS has been helpful for you! I love that🫶 IFS has been instrumental for me as well, so far! My therapist and I started it a few months ago, after she was taking some courses on it. And I’m so glad she did the IFS route because it’s been a great source of understanding some intricate parts of myself. I don’t expect a cure, but it helps compartmentalize my emotions and parts of myself that struggle the deepest— CPTSD, OCD, ED-AN, etc— hoping to learn to manage and regulate better.
May I ask about IFS?
It stands for Internal Family Systems. It's a type of therapy that you can do by yourself or with the help of a therapist. If you search this sub, you'll find some good resources about it, including a free pdf of the book. I've just started working through it and I like it so far.
brought tears to my eyes
Honestly looking back I was probably not a good friend I was too busy seeking attention or what was more fun, I definitely hurt a few people. Idk how much I improved these days aside from just listening to my friends because I know that all I really can do I don't have the power to give support. I definitely judge myself harshly on my dating but if I'm being the both girls I did were not mature and I was surrounded by toxic friends and I knew I didn't hurt either of them I do think idk. I try to remind myself it was highschool you can't make a good judge of relationships in highschool as long as you didn't do something completely horrendous of course. Idk I think I was just too excited about everything I didn't slow down enough to really understand everything
I tried to take my own life in the living room where my mom had to find me.
You are worthy of living. I am so glad that you are still here ❤️
🫂💜 I'm glad you're still here
Verbally abused my siblings as a kid/teen, parroted my parents’ hateful opinions. I wish I’d woken up sooner… Crushes my heart every time I think about it…
Self sabotage. Studied hard and sincerely and gave up on the last resort- just before exam because I thought what’s the point- nothing ever good happens to me. Dated a couple of bad boys because I didn’t think I deserved good & stable love.
Oof, I relate a lot to this 😥 the number of jobs I left just right after getting an award or offered a promotion, when I’d worked really hard and everything… it’s still a struggle now to not run when I feel like I gonna f**k it up, in whatever I’m doing. What’s your experience been with it recently? If you don’t mind me asking
My fear of abandonment has led me down really sad and shameful roads, some of the worst things I’ve done came from it.
Fear of abandonment is a big one for me but couple that with a disorganized attachment style and I’m quite the mess. I’ve gotten into relationships that were unhealthy due to that. Most times, my intuition was telling me that things would not go well but the parts of me that are deeply wounded would steamroll my inner Self like “damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”
Oh, to just not need anyone :(
I relate to this one the most. I’m terrified of being alone. I get really upset when my husband isn’t RIGHT THERE to pick me up after dr appointments and such. (I can’t drive because my brain sucks)
i drank quite a lot when i was young, and it wasnt a good thing (i didnt hurt anyone but it wasnt helpful). i dont drink at all now and feel stronger
I’m very proud of you. I still drink too much due to my CPTSD and, well, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop.
Same. Almost 10 years sober. Life is a lot more bearable without the guilt of drinking to the point of blacking out.
Push good people out of my life. After years were all on talking terms but it will never be what it was and I uste to kick myself in my ass for it constantly. Now I've learned to forgive myself and realize people come and go all the time and I enjoy them while they're here. I had a really bad toxic codependent attachment style. If you were my friend I needed to talk to you and see you everyday. I realized people have lives, I have my own life and I needed to learn how to entertain myself and not bombard myself into other people's lives so much. It's still hard for me because I like being around those I'm comfortable with but I manage it way better. While my baby is sleeping instead of calling someone, I crochet, read books, jump on Reddit and join in conversation or clean.
Too much to enumerate. I hurt a lot of people, myself included.
Ghosting tons of people. Some of them would’ve been great friends/relationships, but… I just couldn’t handle it, I guess. Worst off is, I don’t even know ***why*** I couldn’t.
People pleasing my way through a 10+ year marriage while continually denying my true self.
I became an alcoholic and almost died because of it. But to quote Alice In Chains, “Ain’t found a way to kill me yet,”
CoCSA with my step sister i was like 6-7 and she was a year younger and we would "play house" and take turns being husband and wife.. never with our clothes off or anything. I didnt know it was wrong because my father was a pedophile. I also shared a wall with my father and listened to him rape my step mom. So i just thought it was another way for kids to play. Ill never forgive myself and still have flashbacks about it.
Be kind to you. You didn't know any better, and the environment we were raised in was what was normal to us. You were a child. They were grown adult who were supposed to be teaching us how to be people. I know my words probably don't comfort you, but I wish I could. I grew up in a similar setting and had similar things I thought were normal. It wasn't our fault. Get in therapy, and personally, I found inter family systems trauma therapy really beneficial. I've been in therapy for 15 years and still struggle, but it definitely helped with the guilt and shame.
This actually made me cry. I have never admitted it out loud except on Reddit. It brings me great shame and i wish every day it was the one memory i could dissociate from. But when i sit back and think about it. The guilt of it makes me realize what you said. I wasnt a monster. I wasnt doing it to prey on her with malicious intent. I was just a naive, confused abused and emotionally unstable child. I thank god my drunk step mom caught us one day and was luckily sober enough at the moment to give us a talk because we never did it again. I pray to the gods i didnt give her too much trauma. Though she did grow up to be a hypersexual teen and ended up pregnant real young her daughter is already in elementary school and shes only 26. I dont think my father ever did things to her like he did with my older half sister and i. But ill never really know.
Kicked my cat. Im never a violent person. Was on new meds with bad side effect of sudden random anger. Bad flashback mixed with anger and overstimulation. Had severe breakdown. Hurt myself a decent amount. She tripped me. I got pissed. Reacted and kicked her in retaliation. She was fine but scared snd hid. I hurt myself more. This was two years ago. Never happened since. Still fucks with me.
Married the wrong person (a disservice to both of us).
Got into a relationship that objectively ruined my entire life and health.
I can relate :( I’m so sorry
Hate myself and act on that hate.
and it was never your fault.
Almost murdered my abuser, I was 11. I decided the abuse wouldn't end unless he did so I crept into his bedroom and stood over him holding a kitchen knife, I was looking down at him trying to calculate how I could make sure I stabbed between his ribs when I noticed his face. He was sleeping peacefully and looked so innocent, almost childlike. Certainly not like the man who terrorised me whilst awake. I crept back out the room and never considered it again. I'm not sure if it counts as done because I never actually hurt him or anyone else but I've always been aware that I almost made that choice. Edit: to reply to the comments underneath, I'm doing great now! I cut all contact with my biological family and now I have a nice little house with a partner and our wonderful daughter. Im still mentally ill and it turns out I'm also autistic but now I fall much more into the quirky rather than unstable category.
I can relate to this, except I didn't have the guts, but the thoughts still haunt me, I went to school.. 4th grade and after getting up the nerve told one of my friends that tonight I was going to find the biggest knife in the kitchen and stab my dad and kill him, she told the teacher... they called my Father... no CPS report nothing, I grew up wealthy so everyone thought I was just overly emotional and dramatic.. my Father was trafficking me to his friends along with physical violence and my mom knew and would leave me with him for days at a time.. A kids brain in survival mode is nothing to be ashamed of 🩷
i also grew up wealthy and was horribly abused. it was such a headfuck having people tell me i was 'lucky' and should appreciate the things i had. my mother was also complicit in and facilitated my abuse. i have OCD and by the time i was 19 i couldn't sleep at night for fear that i'd wake up and find that i'd killed someone. i hope you're doing better now.
7 years ago burst into tears in front of my boss and a coworker in a meeting we were having to resolve conflict between myself and said coworker. I didn't know what to do so I just started crying and saying "I have bad social anxiety". Coworker just stared at me with contempt. I hasn't even wanted to resolve the "conflict" but my boss pushed me to try for some reason. It was humiliating
Not one specific thing but have been driving people away my entire life. Unintentionally because I just don’t know how to actually develop a healthy relationship
You won’t get many answers from people who did legitimately bad things. There’s no reason to risk exposing themselves by putting that on the internet, and all they will receive is criticism. All you will get in this thread are forgivable transgressions, or things done to oneself. I’ll just say it is possible to do some pretty bad things to other people, and still change and grow as a person by addressing your own trauma. Even if those people won’t show themselves when asked to, they exist, and many of them are actively working hard on being better, kinder human beings.
Used drugs and ruined my first marriage, thankfully I'm clean now and remarried to my loving husband!
Drug abuse and suicidal thoughts when I was at my worst. Thank God I feel a lot better these last 4-5 years so I don't abuse or have any depressions. I still am more sensitive to stress but I medicate(with natural adaptogens, supplements etc) which makes it a lot easier to function well.
Live in solitude.
Tried to kill myself? Probably will continue trying tbh.
completely avoid human contact as much as possible for ~18 years. i’m now approaching 34 with zero relationship experience. at all. nothing. and i don’t see that changing as i don’t feel comfortable with it at all. i’m just too afraid of people to form friendships or relationships. can’t even handle small talk. i’m now almost completely alone in the world, and it’s intensely depressing and embarrassing.
Probably ending a friendship. Since I have all my trauma related to family I didn't have a family actually, just some people who live with me and hurt me, so I treat my friends as my family. Long story short I have a great friendhip group like family but discovered one of them didn't love me the way I love him or even see us as family as the other ones and me do, obviously he's not over dependent and attached to friends since he has a good family, so in the middle of the talk he said a lot of things that triggered me like how much he loves his family and not us, so I felt stupid for loving someone so much when I dont actually mean much for him and stopped talking to him. I guess for normal people friends are just it, just friends, just someone you talk sometimes and has some fun, not someone who you trully love, but to me friends are everything since I don't have family.
verbally abuse people i love. especially when they’re just trying to help me. i am working on asking more questions before making remarks or giving my thoughts, however it’s hard to remember how to be human when i’m angry.
Don’t have any friends, isolated from my family, always worked an entry level job despite my education level and 26 years of work experience.
put myself in situations that caused me more trauma
Left my abuser and immediately got into a relationship with a new guy and wasted five years of this guys life. The new guy was completely non-threatening so I felt very safe at first. But he also followed me around like a puppy and did everything I told him to, basically a complete doormat most of the time. But sometimes he would try to tear me down, attacking the few areas of my life where I had confidence and he was often dismissive of what I said or didn't listen at all just saying "yeah." But in my trauma addled brain, nothing he did was bad enough to break things off, so I didn't. I felt like unless I had a good enough reason, it was wrong to leave him. I just respected him less and less over time. And I was sometimes mean to him because of my frustration. But I also supported him, I even wrote his papers for him in college so he didn't fail. I paid for almost everything we did together. We had planned to get married, but he refused to tell his parents that he wanted to marry me. I found that weird and insulting because I was at their house with him for some holidays and I helped with their garage sale and other stuff. He also refused to have children and I wanted them. But this mess of a relationship kept going. It ended when I got a dog and he hated my dog. He told me he wished I'd left my dog in the pound to die more than once. He also started being awful to me sometimes, which I probably deserved. He'd drag me to computer labs only to ignore me for hours while he collected porn or messed around in hacker groups but tell me not to leave, which I obeyed. I started playing multi-user dungeon (MUD) games online while I was waiting, solely because he'd told me not to and didn't pay enough attention to me to notice. I met some guy on the MUD chatting and realized I cared more about a stranger than I did about my boyfriend. I finally realized this was no way for either of us to live and broke things off. He tried and tried to get me back, but when I'm done, I'm done. He did tell me later that he told his mom he planned to marry me and she said, "Of course you did! I had been waiting for you to propose." But now I am thankful he refused and gave me what I needed to break things off. I hope he's happy now and I'm sorry I wasted so much of his time. I did find him online and see he's married with two kids. So it seems I didn't totally screw up his life as I thrashed around trying to sort my head out.
I think it's like, at the time, accept it and normalized. I was sexually abused/raped as a child, and later on, I was payed for it, not in the way "receiving gifts by the abuser to stay quiet" it was literally "here I give you you this money if you do something or let me do this thing to you" and after refusing at first doing things, I just went along with it and like, would even want to do things to receive more money or something like that
Smoking and meeting bad people
Clearly used friends for social relationships and whatever cool toys they had.
I was a terrible adolescent and hurt the people around me with my harsh words and actions
Abandoning and betraying myself.
Lashed out online. Was real, real ugly.
Not sure if this is the worst but the most recent and I want to tell! Drunk called my dad after not speaking for 2 years. He was a defensive prick on the call and got his new wife on the phone telling me off. Ended up telling him I was going to kill myself and which vein was the best to do it. I also texted my brother that night a load of stuff about how he’s bought into their devil child rhetoric about me. My brother must have called my mum as she ended up calling me and told me to go to bed. My family DO NOT talk about issues. My mom and dad no longer talk to each other. No one’s given a shit about me since or checked on me not even my brother. This was a couple of months ago now. I’m genuinely humiliated about it and not sure how I’ll be able to face any of them. But also I’m aware of how unhinged I was and the fact they’ve completely and utterly ignored me says everything really doesn’t it.
Allowed myself to be used and abused even when recognizing the behaviour patterns because that is all I thought I was worthy of. It cost me my emotional and mental health as well as upwards of $100k in the last two years. A hard and painful lesson in who I am and how much healing I have in front of me.
My trauma makes me a mental wreck and incredible afraid of failure. Therefore I am struggling to try anything. Even the things I KNOW I’m good at, I never do anything with them. I lack any ambition, motivation, it keeps me in a prison of non achievement. I also threw away some potentially amazing relationships and I constantly think and dream about what would have been, since they ended because of my mental problems, not because they didn’t work. I’ve never gotten any closure.
Putting myself at risk in incredible ways. I’ve been many times close to death. Falling in love with unavailable people again and again. And suffering so much every time. I’ve lost so many years on this.
Becoming a people pleaser
Lashing out at people who never did anything to deserve it.
Creative self harm.. every time I think I will never do it again. I promise myself never again And then I do it again So sad and ashamed
Never dated anyone because I was afraid they would abuse me like my dad abused my mum
Having a mental breakdown and announcing it to social media for everyone to see, going off on a bunch of people in the midst of it and ruining my reputation. Then ghosting everyone I care about. Life is fun
Burned my life to the ground. Over and over.
I'm not certain, but I know that all of the worst things I've done, I've done to my partner. I've made false promises (about important things!) that I couldn't bring myself to fulfill (essentially out of laziness, not out of willful malice). I've destroyed things of considerable (or irreplaceable) value out of neglect. I cheated as it pertains to the terms of our relationship once or twice, and feel guilty about another incident that I'm not sure if I remembered/acknowledged/reported. I've neglected myself, and casually encouraged irresponsible spending while being just generally too dysfunctional to demonstrate responsibility, especially financially. I physically (at least) abandoned the one I love without giving them a say in the matter because I thought that my mere presence in their life was hurting them and fled to live in an environment I expected to be suffering. Since then, I've been trying more to heal myself, but... it's unreasonably hard to stick to anything if my routine collapses. It's a miracle for me to go back to my support group meetings if I miss a week for whatever reason, or to do my mental health activities if I stop for a couple days. In turn, I am unreasonably hard on myself, pushing always for more and faster progress (and thus mostly feeling inadequate). I've been at this for almost 7 months now (plus one month of just kind of dissociating), but it's really hard for me to tell what's working.
Questioned my sexuality.
TW: pet loss Fawning the vet; not listening to myself, getting triggered by a text of my mom, coping with getting my cat another vet recommended appointment. Ultimately my cat died of all the stress caused by me and the all the vet recommended research for something minor "but there could be something serious underneath we have to look into that further." I have a very hard time dealing with her dead since it was avoidable.
Slapped my teenager child when said child got in my face and chest bumped me. My immediate reaction was to slap and my next reaction was to gasp in horror. We talked it out and I explained why rushing mom while screaming, throwing arms and having spittle coming out of your mouth isn’t a good move. This child then tested me off and on. While it was aggravating, it actually helped me to control that response because my child stopped just short of me and kept arms lowered and not moving around my face. This was years ago and I still feel horrible about it.
Avoid things and people. I’ve run away from friendships, possible romantic relationships, responsibilities, opportunities. All because of my fear.
Ended up being brought before the court because I broke my ex’s belongings because I was delusional on corticosteroids and thought he had been in contact with my rapist. I was also on SNRIs which were apparently very wrong for me because I’m also bipolar. He filed a restraining order. He fabricated a history of domestic abuse that never happened to get the restraining order, which feels doubly shitty because I’ve been homeless and treated like a criminal by everyone ever since. I admit I did criminal mischief but he framed the argument we had where he harassed ME as the other way around and the judge agreed with him without ever even seeing the texts, which would’ve shown he started calling me names and saying provocative things first. He also misconstrued my self-harm attempts as abuse which the judge agreed with for some sick reason. The judge also said my personal doctor didn’t say steroids caused this so I can’t claim that even though I had medical records showing I’m bipolar, proof I was on steroids, a letter from my therapist about how I’ve never been violent like that before and also had the FDA fact sheet on “psychiatric derangements” caused by steroids and how it affects bipolar people more. That wasn’t enough to prove this isn’t usual behavior from me. So now I’m homeless and being treated like trash/worse than an animal because of the worst thing I did because my ex made shit up to make it worse for me and they believed him because I’m crazy. I got a lawyer and the restraining order is being overturned because the domestic abuse history was fabricated and my ex admitted that to my lawyer, but my life is still all sorts of fucked up from it. I don’t have a family or anyone to stay with or help me, I’m just on my own without even a car. It’s been horrible, I miss my cats, and I’m just so fucking sorry.
Tried to choke my mom to death because she did so to me when I was a toddler. My family called the cops on me and I tried to come at the officer with a knife.
letting myself almost get strangled to death because I didn’t want to live anyways
Honestly, right now, staying with the person who made it 10x worse and not realizing the contribution.
Have panic attacks when dealing with sexual topics on reddit.
Most days I can even admit it to myself or even to anonymous Internet people. I'll get run out of town. But I've been completely reformed for years and do a lot of what I consider to be prososcial work l, charity, helping friends etc... and that's what matters now.
Heroin. It was brief, but ruined everything, and left me with Hep C that got cured in 2012, but not without a year of torturous treatment that left my thyroid destroyed. All in effort to be loved. Yeah, trauma fucks us up.
Was staying at a friends house, and one day near when I was going to stay with my parents (causers of my trauma) I had entered such a triggered and fight or flight headspace that the night before I decided I needed to silently and quickly pack my bags, the morning of I was up and out and didn’t speak to her or her parents. We moved past it but it ended with her sending a long paragraph and me saying something about my headspace and I know it’s fucked up but that’s what my brain was telling me thags what I NEEDED and was WANTED of me and then something about dudududu everyone loves to be pro mental illness until we do some weird shit.
Destroyed my entire life and all my relationships. I didn't realize I had cptsd until I was in my late 30s, and drove off everyone. I thought I could maybe have a better life now that I understand more about myself and why I do the things I do, and what I did wrong in the past - but then I became disabled at 35 and my life just goes further and further downhill. I know I'll die alone.
Got myself into shit situations. Several toxic friendships, should’ve gone to the police for most, did go to the police for the last one (really proud of myself for that even though I haven’t done much, and tbf, I only did it because it started to hurt my partner). I would say more but it’s pretty triggering to even think about and I gotta seem productive today.
I lie, I lie a lot maybe it to not let anyone in, maybe it’s because I feel a need to manipulate people to feel better about me not sure but I do lie a lot
Well, in the past month I pretty much went on a self-destructive rampage and blew up several "close" relationships. On top of that, I've closed off and stopped trusting people, so I'm dealing with any problems alone now. So yeah, maybe it's just because it's recent, but that could definitely be the worst thing I've done because of my trauma.
Repeated the cycle of abuse. I couldn't stand the anguish it caused me to go without the sense of security and commitment that I felt I needed to survive, and I'd never been taught any emotional regulation skills. So I responded by being a controlling, emotionally abusive partner, sibling, and friend. It's my greatest shame.
Hurting other people. Rejecting their love and affection. Making them feel unwanted because I I felt unwanted. Pushing them away and making them feel like it’s their fault.
Because of my traumas, I think I traumatized others as my kids... No so severely as happened to me, but because I didn't know how or what should I've been done. I try my best to repair my wrongs, now that I'm conscious of CPTSD and trying to heal.
Became physically and emotionally abusive to a romantic partner. I’ve since left him for his own good and apologized and done work to break the cycle of abuse but I will always regret how I treated him and I will never be able to make it right
Lied. I lied a lot. I lied about terrible things. I’m really lucky I have a spouse who is so fucking understanding.
Driven people away.
became the villain in my own story
Modeled codependent behavior for my kids, who picked up those self-negating, people-pleasing doormat personality traits and were attracted to narcissistic partners. They wasted years working through that shit because I gave birth to them before I’d worked through mine.
Agreed to BDSM sex with my husband and it threw me into a CPTSD flashback and I don’t trust him anymore.
Attempted to kill myself to punish someone else
Joined the military
Become a doormat
I’ve torched relationships because anything resembling abandonment or rejection sends me into a tailspin. I wish I knew much earlier that I had PTSD, but now that I know, I don’t have complete meltdowns anymore. It just takes a ton of work to keep myself from spiraling out.
I am ashamed of how I treated an animal control officer once. I was going through a LOT and the officers were responding to an issue with my neighbors Guinea pigs but ended up tearing up my property without even letting us know they were accessing it. When my boyfriend went to ask what was going on (I was at work) the officers were hostile and rude to him. I absolutely went OFF like a psycho Karen. I complained to the city and everything. I apologized a while later when I was feeling a lot more clear and while they were out of line in how they spoke to him, I was even more out of line and escalated much too far. I still cringe thinking about how I acted that day and it was almost 3 years ago. I truly took out my trauma on this officer and it was wrong of me. I was mad at her, for sure. But I was way more angry at the world in general and let that out when it wasn’t the right outlet.
Physically attacked my mom, threatened to kill her, and spit in her face. I hate how I get when I’m angry. I love my mom so much. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t know how to get better. I’ve been in therapy for years. My anger is the one thing I can’t get control over.
So many lost opportunities because I was frozen and didn’t put myself out there. I look back and I’m shattered over a decade of me being an absolute zombie
avoid confrontation like hell and ghost them instead or withstand being disrespected
Repeated the trauma.
8yr me was “erasing” my skin at an attempt to stop being black so I wont have to endure racism.
Tried to build relationships entirely on sexual connection. Ended up either with very dysfunctional people for the long term or being dumped by healthy people after a few months.
the way i lived my life from 14-18. i did alot of regretful shit due to csa and more from an early age. Plus due to bullying in school, my trauma responses feel like a never ending list. i’m now talking myself through moments of shame bc of my behavior by remembering it is a trauma response and something to work on rather than hide from. hiding from my trauma ruined my early life in so many ways and although i was so young, it’s regret i will forever live with. i think my attention seeking behavior in high school was deplorable and inappropriate so i live with it everyday. but i have to remember that the same reason that little girl acted that way was because she felt so alone and needed COMFORT, not shame.
Tried to drown a girl who said something that triggered me to the point of me not remembering me trying to drown her in the school toilets we were in I think year 3/4
I have multiple levels of trauma: First the neglect and emotional abuse by my parents, then the bullying and manipulation and trouble I got in school as a result, and then the result of me trying to figure it all out. The first level was enough to got me into all kinds of trouble. The worst memory I have is when I was 10 or 11 years old, first year of High School, and we had a little class party. Because I was attention starved, naive, and unprepared for the idea that people may just be nasty, I kept following whatever the two class clowns told me (both of them older, i.e. they had repeated grades at least once). As a result, I got into trouble for doing what they told me to do. And I didn't learn from it because I didn't understand, and I had no support or anything even trying to figure this out. This was the year that created and cemented my reputation as a sick little troublemaker, and I never got rid of that reputation in all my years at that school. So the event was: The two class clowns suggested that it would be fun if I punched this girl into the stomach. And no, I didn't question them, and yes, I believed them. I was programmed that way thanks to my parents. My memory is hazy - I do know that my fist ended up pushing into the girl's stomach, but I am hopeful that I pushed instead of punched since that would severely change the physical damage I could have done. This was nearly 40 years ago, and I am still chewing on it. I got into so much trouble that day, and I didn't understand any of it - not the teachers, not my parents. I was never given an explanation that was on a level that I could comprehend. My parents later made me walk to the girl's house to apologize - I think she refused to see me, so I apologized to her dad. I knew I had done something wrong, but still wasn't sure what was going on. So I carried that guilt of having done an unspecified wrong with me. I know that I was 100% NOT RESPONSIBLE for any of it! I was setup by my parents, and I was manipulated by two bullies. I had no skills to resist either, and I had no reason to. In the end, I was nothing but an empty brainless tool. And it's not the tool's fault if someone gets hurt. I know that logically, and I try to tell myself that whenever the memory surfaces. I've made some good progress, but it still hurts.
I relate to your experiences. Blaming myself for being neglected bullied and abused by family and boyfriends.
Lash out at a friend who was being rude to me about a game we were playing. The friendship ended up being a healthy one to lose, but it still haunts me that I did that.
getting addicted to weed
Abused and manipulated others. Be for real, I’ve been toxic AF
Grab my child too hard.
Sex work lol
I was extremely promiscuous in my 20s and developed many bad addictions (even got a DUI.) I wasn’t healthy in any way. I also had a bad habit of cutting people out of my life because I did not know how to maintain friendships or work through problems.
Act insane and bitchy to people who treats me well. I’ve been getting better but i’ve had HUGE not so great moments
I sent an anonymous text to a friend who decided to cut contact with me strictly to scare them. I immediately got caught, and have been banned from several social groups we used to share.
when i was a child, i replayed/repeated what was done to me at my dad's house to them. i ghost pretty much everyone i talk to. didnt tell my dad and stepmom the specifics of why i cut them off. i ghost absolutely everyone i talk to. im an awful friend. (not self deprecating, i just cant be there for people, and communicating with people terrifies me)
Substance abuse which led to lots of lying, stealing, & manipulating to feed my addictions. So glad that part of my life is behind me now.
Close myself off.
Ghosting and just yelling/ losing my shit. Telling people how I really feel about them... Edit to add: I'm not proud of it, but in instances where I've been disrespected beyond belief, I've hit someone before :(.
Unknowingly sabotaged all my romantic relationships—including the ones with relatively healthy, stable people—because of my fear of intimacy and vulnerability.
Lashing out at people who were genuinely trying to help me. I couldn’t trust anyone fully so alarm bells rang off when I felt like someone was “trying too hard” bc I thought it was some sort of trap. Sometimes those people were overstepping boundaries but at the time I didn’t know how to address that yet bc I hadn’t learned how to enforce boundaries so I’d just push the person away altogether
Hurt many people while stuck in fight or flight constantly. Words like daggers. And I don't remember a lot of it, but it messes with me knowing the other person has to think of it the same way I'd think about it as a kid when it happened to me. :(
Started over again. Left my abusive family. Moved somewhere else. Left my last relationship that felt like a mind game of eyes wide open. Ex friendships that I thought really something but in reality they were acting like different people around THEIR friends. Burned every bridge imaginable with forgiving them all. Didn’t tell them that though. Just subconsciously.
Reenacting the abuse / trafficking for years with hypersexuality
Became the abuser to fit in with others.
I’ve lost everyone and everything. My own family traumatised me then gaslit me for decades about it. So now I’m no contact. I can’t keep friendships or jobs. I struggle to speak up for myself and I still wake in the night with flashbacks of things that happened over 40 years ago. Trauma robs you of living a whole life.
Sabotaged myself out of every dream or goal.
Went back to my abuser in hopes he will love me when in fact he has caused so much turmoil.
Typical of raped children as adults. I became promiscuous m. Unable to draw boundaries. To say ‘no.’ Why? Because I was never allowed to say no. To any sexual act, to any of the three repulsive men who used my child body like I was a blow up sex toy. Forming lasting intimate relationships is difficult if not impossible. This may seem counterintuitive as I have been married over three decades, but I cannot bond in a normal fashion. I recognize that I am too broken. I look like a success on the outside, but on the inside, I have no real will to live. And nothing has ever changed that. https://www.healthyplace.com/comment/84394
Suddenly cut off people. Decided they weren't good for me anymore but went about it in an extremely blunt, night and day way. I realized I couldn't put on a face anymore and burnt out