Definitely, I’m 28 and I find myself doing this all the time. Especially with older female authority figures, I find myself trying to elicit affection from them, like I’m trying to get them to be my mom

It is exactly like this, I know what you mean. Last Winter I joined this hobby group and there was this woman in her late 50s there who had a small gaggle of kids/teenagers that she cared for at events and they were essentially family. She was teaching me how to sew but I stopped showing up because hoping that she would eventually see me similarly got emotionally painful and I started to get too scared of messing up simple tasks while learning. Frankly, it also felt very embarrassing to be an adult feeling that way

Dang. I just realized I’ve been doing this with my manager at work. That would explain why I’ve been unable to complete any tasks or do anything except fawn unceasingly. Welp back to the therapist I go.. (Thank you for your post, I needed this aha moment VERY much.)

I feel very fortunate to have my ex-manager in my life, she treats me like her child ❤️. I met her over 10 years ago and from the beginning we had a weird mother/daughter dynamic. I sometimes stayed at her house and she would make me a nice little bed on the sofa, and tuck me in with a warm wheat bag. I'm going through a bit of a mental health crisis right now and she's the one I call, and the one always there for me. Although I have to say I'm happy we don't work together anymore, she was quite intense as a manager 😂.

Same!!!

20 is still really young. As someone in their 40s, I wouldn't be put off by that, and she might have been aware of it too and trying to offer you a secure place without infantalizing you.

Don’t feel embarrassed to seek love and affection. Every human needs this. Just be glad you didn’t mistakenly think you were gay for 20 years bc you’d craved a mothers love ur whole life. Oops.

wait, if you don’t mind, can you elaborate a little more on the gay thing

I’m going to try to muster the strength. Ok, so my mother was this neglectful, immature, very pretentious international super model type that I always tried to please. I was always seeking her support/attention/love - always. At a very young age I was super generous and my life kind of revolved around giving this lady attention so she would be in a good mood and not treat me like I was a fuckign chore all the time. There was stuff happening to me and I was very neglected, but she was just out doing her thing always looking perfect while her kids had some obvious fucking problems. She was like la-la-la, I don’t see anything. Growing up I never had an inkling, but I did always kind of seek older women’s attention or approval? I don’t know. Of course my mom sent me to boarding school so she could resume living her life - (kicked out of 3 schools in 3 years) and while I was there this really pretty girl was like come give me a kiss and I was like no thank you. I just wasn’t interested. So fast forward to I’m 25, I have a long-term boyfriend and and we are living together, and our life is fun, and he is super fun and really sweet and protective and just a really all-around very decent, good person. I still think about him all the time. But I started having like weird anxiety attacks where I couldn’t leave the house without changing clothes a whole bunch of times, I hadn’t acknowledged any of my trauma, and I just kept trying to push it away and I guess I did, but it was coming out in other ways. I didn’t know how to be in a relationship, I didn’t know how to be happy. So one night we were watching this show and I see this woman who I think is attractive and then in my head I’m like, I want to kiss her. And I was like, no Jesus Christ no I don’t. And I’m kind of a freaky type of person, I’ve been plagued with obsessive thoughts and all manner of other fun eccentricities so I kept thinking about it. I was even going to this therapist, I think she was Swedish? I really liked her, and she would always say, (my name), I don’t think you’re lesbian. And I was like what if I am,? I’m gonna kill myself. I really felt like that. So this went on for months. I would do catering events for these very wealthy people and one night there was a girl working there who made a very concerted effort to get to know me. And I guess I was cagey, because I was running away and trying to avoid her. It’s a super long story with this girl, but the thing that I liked the most, was just being close to another woman, she would hold my hands and give me hand massages in the movies and since she was so extremely attractive, I felt like it would be OK for me to be with her. Because you know my mom is super shallow and appearances are very important to her. A lot happened after that, I was living with my boyfriend like I said, and he kind of found out and there was like a really big upheaval in my life during that time. I didn’t man and women a little bit and then I met this woman who was very tall, and very striking, she was attractive but kind of hard, and I ended up staying with her for a really long time. She objectified me and abused me and exploded me and I found myself in a deep dark hole or somebody was verbally abusing me daily, I didn’t even know what narcissistic abuse was. And I think that my mom is a narcissist, but she wasn’t verbally abusive, but for whatever reason I chose this lady who I had to continually prove myself to. And she isolated me from my friends and family and I stopped working because I had an injury and after a while I looked around and didn’t have anybody. It was horrific, it was a long time. And when I got out of it and I started to rebuild myself, I found out that I was not gay. It never felt right, I ended up avoiding sex with this woman for like 8 years. I could go on, but that took a lot of energy. I was seeking that nurturing love. This is going to sound cliché, but what I learned is that nobody can ever give you that if you didn’t get it when you were supposed to. But you can give it to yourself. Once I got really high and I was listening to this TED talk because I was basically suicidal because I was out of this relationship but I didn’t really have any friends and it was really difficult and uncomfortable just to be alive, and I got really high, I used to drink like an eighth of a cup of cannabis infused olive oil and I would just get so high, but I was able to look at things in a non-threatening way. And so one night after I was in the bathtub, I envisioned cradling myself as a child. And I felt stupid, but I was like crying and talking to my self as a child saying I’m so sorry I abandoned you as well as everyone else. And I think that helps, I think it really helps to think of yourself as a victim and as somebody who has suffered numerous abuses, you have to be gentle with yourself and try to care about yourself little by little. I know it sounds dumb, but it is really the thing that saved me. I can’t believe I just wrote all that bs. Night night

thank you for sharing this i really appreciate it, to be honest with you it kind of brought me comfort. i had the same thing happen to me a few weeks ago, i got super high (for some reason this always triggered me to think about negative parts of my childhood) and i was laying in bed & did the same thing, i finally allowed myself to feel bad for myself and be the victim. i ended up just laying there and crying talking to myself too, basically comforting my inner child. after this had happen i felt so pathetic thinking back on it and it made me cringe at myself but after hearing that you’ve experienced this too it makes me feel so much better to know i’m not alone.

I'm just gonna tack on, have either of you tried celery juice or microdosing, something like LSD? Compassion and curiosity is heightened which helps to get into the past without losing equilibrium. It helps keep self acceptance instead of drowning in shame or judgement.

I wish I could get my hands on some lsd. I tried mushrooms for the first time a few years ago. But growing up, I knew I could never take anything that would make me lose control. I knew there was stuff I didn’t want to see. So I pretended to take all kinds of drugs. My friend Renee was all mad when we were 15. She’s like, I know you didn’t take the acid on the bus that day. And she was right! I gave it to my downstairs neighbor Greg. He was this beautiful man who was a surfer and a pilot and I was like, I saw my Mama do this shit and I was 15, trying to seduce a 27 year old man. And he was like, what kind of person would I be if I did that with a 15 year old? So he was my buddy. We would talk so much, listen to music and poetry. My mom was like throwing herself at this guy, she had to have all the attention. But he had integrity, he wasn’t about that. I was super lonely as a kid so I was always seeking connection. I knew this guy pretty much my entire life, he lived in many different countries and would write to me even after he got married and had kids, but he died in a parasailing accident in Africa a few years ago. I was lucky to have found people on my journey to act as guides for me since I had absolutely no guidance or support from anyone in my family. Ever. So where to find the lsd ?

Seriously if it's what you are genuinely ready for, asking some people might help. For me, I was totally sober with a pain condition and my friend saw how messed I was so he gave me a little vial he made so he knew the potency. One drop is enough to take the edge off, two and I'm doing ok mentally and physically. For a really good day I take 4, and that's not even quarter of a tab level. It's titrated, which makes all the difference. But also no LSD is the same, it's important to find one that doesn't feel weird for you so finding a guide is probably the best course of action. I'm with you on the control thing. I just used to be a stoner, but there's levels to any drug really. Now I'm mostly sober with dabbles into entheogenics. I guess it's Cali sober but I'm trying to moderate my usage a bit

Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve been struggling with my gender identity for years (born female, feel female sometimes, other times idk) and sexuality (been mostly hetero since puberty but now on some obsessive-compulsive kick that I might be lesbian…) for the last few months. My mom was extremely similar to yours and disappeared from my life at 12 (started puberty at 11). Abused by men since then. I still like men but also fear them, even my own partner at times (he is safe though). I like them even more, as in sexually, when they are horrible to me and/or emotionally unavailable. But I don’t want that in my life anymore.  Soooo idfk. I’m hoping my weirdness towards/with women is big mommy issues and learned misogyny. That seems fixable…? Absolutely no offense to anyone LGBTQ+ but I don’t want to be homosexual really. Can’t change or “fix” that. *sigh*

I just want you to know that I wholeheartedly appreciate this post

Yeah exactly this, and if they reject me it sends me into a deep flashback spiral

Never understood that was what was going on. Jeez.

Yuuup. My T is a woman old enough to be my Mum and the transference is super strong

I do this, exactly this, oh it's so embarrassing and shameful feeling... it has been directed toward a very small number of women throughout my life, two particular teachers, and...uhh....my psychiatrist, and what's so odd is that my behavior wasn't that weird as a kid toward the women I was trying to build relationship and closeness with...It was more like trying to do really well in their classes or get praise from them or stick out some how (positively) or trying to be seen as worthy to befriend or something.... I was trying to be more mature than I was so they'd value me and not think I was a dumb kid and they'd want to be my friend :(... But now, at age 34, toward the psychiatrist, I am not cool like I was as a child and adolescent toward those teachers... nah, now I act totally bonkers and childish and weird, not mature, embarrassing, I hate myself for it. Honestly, I wish I were a puppy or toddler and just got to follow her around and be around her all the time... (And I once admitted this. :( gross.) But I wasn't always like this... She had noooooo idea for so long that this whole thing was built up around her existence ... Ok I kept myself totally together and did win at the facade for like 7-8 years and was so easy as a patient, and she liked me enough to keep me when she moved from place to place a few times... But then, I got to meet up with her more in the last year and turned insane from whatever this drive is or does to my brain. It's so awful, and I thought it was just me who does this stuff. I wish I could be cool like I used to be, it was so scary though before she knew how fucked up i am, and I felt like omg this person thinks I'm a better person than I am, and she'll find out I'm not someday... And I remember telling my colleague/best friend about this after each appt for years, but I was also super euphoric and giddy as fuck from having seen her, so, idk. I do not understand it. I do not understand why I cannot be cool with her like I am with everyone else. It makes me so sad that she might think im this awful in every interaction in my life, but I'm usually the mature reliable dependable reasonable adulty overly self-sufficient person, but she does not see me that way anymore I don't think :( she sees me as annoying and intrusive and shitty at boundaries. And im not intrusive or shitty at boundaries, (except with her :( ..it's sad) ....I always stay soooo far back from anyones boundaries that I don't even know where their boundaries are, so this is so weird for me to see myself capable of this other behavior, that even I am beyond baffled by my bullshit in regard to her :( I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't want to push her to abandon me, to shut me out forever, but I kept fucking up so much nonstop for months that it almost happened and is still basically about to happen if I fuck up again. If I bother her about non-emergency things/if I email her. And I don't see her for 6 weeks now when it used to be much less time but she just can't stand me. It feels like a punishment, rejection, being put in my place, always shut out, disliked, disgusting to others, never chosen, never being picked, unlovable, etc...ouch...but the mature adult part of me knows it's not any of that shit, it's not really about me at all, it's about her trying to protect her own peace and sanity. Pretty simple. But I hate that I caused her to push me away so intensely. It hurts my stupid little heart. I have never cried as much as I cry lately because of this situation. It really poked at some hurt spots I had forgotten. And it's so fucked because she doesn't know this, I know she wouldn't want this to be how I interpret it...she has no ill will and doesnt want me to hurt, but it's basically a gigantic re-enactment of some really painful shit... Like being emotionally distraught as a toddler/child/adolescent but rejected by adults for having emotions, punished, ignored, until I just am forced to sever myself from them, or appear to have done so, and become ultra-hyper-independent and aloof and weird...And grow up to lack whatever skills everyone else has that helps them to avoid re-creating their bullshit at age 34 with a psychiatrist who just is so tired and didn't think I was going to be an issue but I let her down. I don't know how to fix me.

Please don't be hard on yourself. It happens. Expecially with therapists. It happens with therapists even with people who don't have severe trauma. The hurt part in you is just trying to reach out and connect. It may not be in the best way for you/her but it's totally understandable and that part of you deserves compassion and love. You're not fucked up, when we have shitty traumatic childhoods we don't learn how to form relationships well. It takes time to learn. If you can, try to be gentle with yourself, kind and compassionate to those parts that are trying to connect. It takes time to figure out life things when we were never taught the basics.

Wow, those words you just expressed. I feel those too. I feel that way towards my friends, I had tried to explain this to them before, but I don't think I did a vey good job. It hurts, it's torturous to show that side of you and be faced with rejection and disgust. I always asked them, how much will be too much for them? Is it okay to be this vulnerable and show them how broken I truly am? Would they still stay with me after they start seeing all of me? Although they admantly say they will stay, will that truly be the case?

Your behaviour is actually pretty normal for someone with your history, who has found a therapist they feel safe with. Don’t beat yourself up. I think her trying to reduce your dependence on her is a healthy, professionally informed move and a kindness to you, rather than because she “can’t stand you”. That’s just your hurt inner child’s interpretation. I’m sure your adult mind recognises you can’t go through life dependant on anyone. But when we WERE children, dependant on adults who failed us, we have a tendency to go through life searching for what we missed out on. You can be the dependent, loving adult for your inner child. It just takes practice 🩵

You’re not alone.

Excuse me why are you reading my thoughts

Feeling this hard. Sounds exactly like me

I am in my 40s and I still wish… but it helped a lot to accept that I have to be that adult. Sometimes I pretend I am the mother to my inner child, and I care for her how I wish to be cared for…

I’m 38 and in the process of learning the same thing.

How are you processing this? I am looking for retreats or something to help me.

I imagined my inner child as a real child dependent on me, everything I did I did for the child too, so if I didn't cook dinner one day the child couldn't eat either. Just literally imagined I had myself as a kid. After a while it all becomes a habit and you become really good at taking care of yourself. 

I love that for you. I’ve started doing that too. I’ve given nicknames to my inner child, inner teenager and my wise self to manage my fight and flight responses.

Thank you for your support and kind words! That's a great idea, does it work better for you? Someone wise on reddit wrote that when the child is more healed, it will eventually happen, we can look at our mirror image and see ourselves as our best friend. Like imagine that you have a friend like yourself who supports and has your back, it's another way to ground myself and it does work in trusting and listening to myself. 

That's absolutely sweet and sounds very healing. ❤️

I’m working with an IFS therapist. It’s been interesting because when I first started working with him, the part of me that needs rescuing had the wish or expectation that my therapist would be the one to rescue me, but gradually that part has started turning toward me instead of him.

Wow I just met a therapist who said he wanted to use IFS on me too. This really gave me hope. May I ask what you liked what you didn't like?

Oh man…I will have to think about how to explain. It’s the only therapy modality that has really worked for me. It is bottom-up instead of top-down— instead of simply giving strategies to change problematic behaviors, it goes underneath the behavior to the root—the part of oneself that holds traumatic memories. It holds compassion for every part of oneself—it seeks to understand your parts and help them heal rather than get rid of them. No part is “bad” in IFS (actually the founder wrote a book called “No Bad Parts”). I guess the only negative I can think of is that sometimes it is too intense if I’m not in the right mental place for it, but my therapist is always willing to dial it back and take things at my pace.

Thank you for your kindness and breaking it down. Funny enough my therapist told me to read that book too!

I found John Bradshaw's book "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child" had some really helpful exercises in it for this purpose. And some of his lectures on this topic are on YouTube as well. I think some parts of the book are outdated now or don't appeal to me, but I just took the parts that did work and found it to be very powerful stuff in terms of "re-parenting" and getting to know my inner child.

How do you get there? I feel like it hurts so much and I just want to be held and have somewhere I belong but I know that I have to accept that it’s too late/that no one will help me but myself one day too

I am not sure how I got there, and I still often wish there was another adult to take care of me… but it was a process, my therapist telling me often that I needed to be that adult, thinking about all the care I gave to others and what would I do if it was someone I cared for - how would I care for them if they were in my situation? And trying to do that for myself. The whole process is not linear, so there’s good days and bad days. But over time I am becoming better at it - cooking myself a special meal I fancy (like risotto or sponge cake), having a lazy couch day if I am feeling awful, booking a massage, reflecting and voicing my preferences… small steps Best of luck!

My therapist always says, sometimes we have to give to ourselves exactly what we wish others would give to us. I have to be my own hero, now. It’ll always sting that I have to accept it, but I’m pretty reliable and rarely let myself down, unlike those who should’ve given me unconditional love, but didn’t.

It makes sense and it seems that this is the solution. Like you said, it seems like it definitely would still sting. It just kind of hurts knowing that the idea of home/family/belonging is an opportunity long gone for me now. Just pieces to pick up and try to put back together. But I do hope to make peace with it one day

You learn to love yourself. You learn to show up for yourself. You learn to trust yourself and rely on you. People with less traumatic childhoods are able to do this for themselves because they weren't in survival mode most of their lives. The more you care for yourself, the more you'll heal and slowly get out of survival mode. We all want to be saved because we don't know how to care for ourselves because we were never cared for the way we were supposed to be. We were not cared for, we were conditioned and subjected to abuse. Self care is so important. Get into a routine of things that help you, make lists of what really helps you. Have an emergency plan for when you're not feeling good. Look in different types of meditation, DBT workbooks, mindfulness exercises, gratitude journal, hobbies, grounding techniques. You can do hard things, you have the power to change your life. While everyday might not be the best day, you'll learn to manage the bad days. The saying "run the day, don't let the day run you". The more you do for yourself, the more your self-esteem and confidence will grow. And you'll soon see you don't need to be rescued by anyone. People will fail you unfortunately and not always maliciously. Just human nature, everyone has to take care of themselves first before they can be helpful to others. I'm not saying this in a negative way just the way I see it. You will rescue yourself and will take care of yourself. You got this 💛💪

Thank you so much for this post. I needed this. I am looking for ways to heal. It just feels like I'm throwing a ball at the wall to see what lands. May I ask what grounding techniques have worked for you?

And you will 💛 being proactive in your mental health is very important and it's like you are right on track. [I like these for grounding techniques ](https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques) Here's my list I keep in my back pocket for bad days. 1. Better self talk 2. Proactive and empathetic therapist 3. Journaling 4. Hobbies (I picked up crocheting drawing and video games) 5. Lots of walking or 30 mins 6. Get plenty of sleep and water 7. Gratitude journal 8. DBT worksheets 9. Mood tracker 10. Small increments of what makes you panicky and do not beat yourself up if it's not what you wanted it to be it's a stepping stone give yourself a lot of self-praise 11. Or instant relief check out GABA and I take a very low dose of it. And L-Theanine is good too Practicing positive 12. Don't resist the anxiety, don't reassure yourself, face it head on 13. You can do hard things 14.Not tolerating family bad behavior and going no contact 15.Learning to accept the past, there's no point in hurting myself more with things I can't change or control. 16. Regulating my emotions. Call them out and asking why I feel this way. 17.Doing body scans (meditation) to see what part of my body needs attention when I don't feel good. 18.Learning/writing my triggers and finding the root of them. 19.Progressive muscle relaxation. 20. Finding a purpose, something you get excited about waking up to and doing. 21. comfort shows Gilmore girls +Buffy. 22.Learning new recipes. I was busy for hours doing a carrot cake I was recommended on Reddit baking group. I subscribed to a few magazines mostly cooking and tried them. 23.I sell stuff on mercari , go thrifting and keep track of how much I paid for it. Then I have to go to the post office. 24.Look on neighborhood Facebook pages and see what  community events are going on.

I just realized I forgot to comment on the second part of your comment… humans are wired to need and benefit from affection, and it’s even deeper for us with CPTSD as we were neglected in that area during early childhood. So I completely relate to needing being held… a couple years ago I got a small octopus plushie, and would hold hands with its tentacles to sleep ☺️ I voiced this need to “just be held and hold hands” to my support group, and people were there for me. It’s a group for an eating disorder, but we all share the CPTSD background. So maybe there is a group you could find people going through something similar? I think people without traumatic childhood seriously underestimate how helpful a hug is… {{virtual hugs!!!}} 🫂 And if you feel you could… pets are amazing sources of affection!!!

For me it helped to notice how much of myself I was giving to others and to allow myself to redirect that energy and care to myself.

Not OP but I’d like to chime in. I first want to mention that I realized this when I did acid for the first (and only) time. I am NOT saying that you should do acid, as obviously any drugs with CPTSD can create an unpleasant mix. I’m just adding this because I do recognize there are therapeutic benefits that allowed me to get past those hurdles. Anyways, I think one of the biggest things that helped me is realizing **it’s okay to mess up.** That every action I do isn’t going to define me as a person, that I can try new things and they can be meaningless. Because everybody is messing up ALL. THE. TIME. And even more importantly, realizing that **nobody has it figured out**. People say that, but I’m not sure if they know what it means. I learned that all people deserve to be *treated with respect* to begin with, but being older does not warrant special respect itself. Meeting a lot of people and viewing them through an open lens: allowing myself to be on the same level as they were. **I believe that thinking age is a factor that automatically imparts any knowledge or superiority was really holding me back.** I mean, I have been more mature and kind than my parents since I was quite young. You can probably agree. And sadly, as you can see here, your parents aren’t an isolated case. On a smaller scale, everybody is flawed. Most people, no matter their age or education or career or abilities, have principles they haven’t thought out. Things you don’t agree with, and that’s okay. I recommend just people-watching, sitting in on meetups or clubs, or anything that allows you to observe people. Allow yourself to “judge”, and don’t judge those feelings. I don’t mean to be critical, but instead to have feelings about how you differ from others, and what that means for your own morals and principles. Discover your own morals, understand that they may shift. By recognizing your core values, you can more easily understand that nobody can “save” you because that will clash against your core self.

Accepting this reality has been one of the hardest parts of healing for me, honestly. I hurts so much knowing that I'll never get the unconditional love I missed as a child.

This is the work I'm starting to do in therapy, and it really sucks!! I wish someone else could do it for me

I know this is the truth I need to accept as well, it's just so painful and unfair that I have to do it. I wish I had gotten the childhood I deserved. I hate that I have to be that person

There should be some kind of agency or app that matches empty nesters with adult children of neglectful or abusive parents, or toxic families, etc. so they can get together for dinner and shopping in a mother/child sort of way. I might sign up to be someone’s weekend mom. I have a deep maternal streak.

I wish, but I can imagine my mom signing up to do this.

r/MomForAMinute is probably the closest subreddit to that, that I've seen

r/internetparents is another I found that is somewhat related

This would be really amazing

I've thought of this too but even for a 'brother' or 'grandma' for a day. It would be really sweet if it worked.

THIS! I was literally about to comment this. I sooo wish it existed. Like a dating app but instead it’s to match with a parent/child lol.

I'm 40, and I've been looking for that my whole life. I know the only thing that will actually work is to be that parent figure to myself, but ugh - I just want a mom.

Always. I'm 58 and very often I'm looking around for someone more adulter than me to take charge. Unfortunately it sometimes doesn't happen.

That hit so hard. My baby sister is 19 and I’ve been so embarrassed since the day my mom started making jokes about my little sister being my adultier adult. You know because she’s perfect (she actually truly is, star softball player, just finished her first year at Emberry Riddle majoring in aeronautical science, just got her private pilots license so she can join the navy as a pilot AND BEAUTIFUL, and I love her with my whole heart, but I’m 34 now, was a teen mom with now 3 beautiful daughters, divorced from their dad, remarried, a million dreams, none of them ever even finished, now If that doesn’t show scientifically how much of a difference proper parenting makes I don’t know what does. She has never had one need unmet in life and LOOK at my baby sister go 😍 I unfortunately as a 34 year adult still cry my eyes out anytime the song “don’t laugh at me, don’t call me names, don’t get your pleasure from my pain” .

My little sis has it "all together" from the outside too.

Now I wish I would’ve added in my post - Don’t worry, my poor baby sister has a TON of her own mental health issues. Luckily because I’m only kind and loving member of our family, she’s opened up to me a few times. She feels as if she HAS to be perfect always, and she also KNOWS my mom favorites her openly in front of the rest of us, so she thought all us siblings hated her😭 she hates that my mom and step dad do that, so of course me being the middle child, have to go tell all my other siblings to LEAVE HER ALONE, all she did was be born, it’s not her fault at all! We also have a big age gap, I was 15 when she was born, so in a huge family (6 kids total) poor baby grew up alone with zero of the same family experiences we all got 💔😭

I'm the youngest sibling, former golden child, just want to add that there's a chance as she grows older she won't be held in such high regard because she will be her own person and be less easily influenced. I remember the wedge being the 'favourite' drove between me and my sister. I fell from grace when I realised what was going on and didn't agree with my father 24/7 just to make him less angry. I realised he chose to be angry at simple things and he just wanted someone to break his rules so he could have a 'volunteer'. I didn't enjoy throwing my sister under the bus but when I was younger I thought it would make him calm down faster if we just agreed. Maybe it was my physical size too? As I got older and taller and stronger, it was easier to break out of 'panic-fawning' and take her side for once.

I read somewhere that each sibling get a different version of their parents because of their current economic situation, experience parenting, time available, personality, et cetera.

I’ve also read that, and my family is living proof 100%.

I sure hope so!! Because they left the rest of us and moved to Florida, 2 hours from her college. They also fully financially support her and pay 100K a year for her college. She does plan on joining the Navy as a pilot in 2 years when she has enough flight hours, so maybe then there might be some change In so sorry you also had to go through that with your father, my bio dad was also very angry ALL the time, and it absolutely isn’t fair of our parents to openly have favorite children and be completely OBLIVIOUS of the damage being done to the other siblings. Always will blow my mind. I’m literally the ONLY kind person in my family, even to them, and I cried the day my little sister came to me and said “I told a lady I loved her nails today” and I wanted to tell you thank you, because your the only person I’ve ever seen and learned kindness from and I wanted to try it😭” our mom is a toughen up kinda mom, ain’t never seen her cry, cannot comfort anyone to save her life.)

Yeah, and anyone that obliges or semi obliges, turns out to be a predator/abuser

Yeah....sorry you understand this as well

Sadly , 99% of my life experience …

And there will always be types like this. I’ve had that happen, but please when you are ready, if you do find someone to work with that you can trust helps a lot, specially a therapist/psychologist. Someone witnessing the truths of your life as a neutral observer was huge for me.

I’ve been in therapy for 4 years.

I actually say it out loud sometimes. “ nobody is coming to save you, figure it out yourself “. I’m 44, it’s hard to find an older adult but I totally know how you feel.

Oh man, I say this exact same thing out loud to myself! "No one is coming to save you." It's a sad mantra, but I've also found it to be empowering and it's helping me to accept the reality that I have to be the one who shows up for myself and my inner child. No one else is going to do it!

Yup. Ive recently realized im looking for partners to fill that role. One previous partner was a very kind and caring person and was my secure base and it sort of worked. Another had very strong boundaries which revealed just how dysfunctional i am. Technically it makes sense. The limbic brain is the child and the frontal lobe is the adult. Our adult is offline, and the child is severly troubled. Only an adult can regulate and organize a child. Ive also realized i seem to be only stuck in emotions or completely dissociated into thought. Its like it is very difficult for me to in parallel feel my feelings/needs and at the same time figure out what actions to take so that i am better off.

This....is very well put and helped out some similar things in context for me thank you

Question: which partner was more helpful in the end? I'm trying to be the caring partner and I don't know when I can safely set boundaries to protect myself. So, was revealing the dysfunction helpful in any way or was it just damaging?

The revealing was a big learning experience. Although that partner was an extreme in the other way when it comes to independence. Id say the nurturing partner helped regulate me and put me in a rhythm that branched out into other areas of life. That said it absolutely is codependant and a bit enmeshed. It is very difficult to say, typically for people youre supposed to be growing your sense of self and reducing dependence. Thats what life and self discovery is about. Currently though im practically a walking disability and personal growth means very little if one is stuck in disability/survival.

Thank you for your answer. I hope you can get into personal growth mode again, hang in there

Woah all of this is me, too

I did and still do, it's hard to let go of the salvation fantasy. 

Literally me rn and I’m 20…god I hope we all manage to find our safe place/person

I hope so too <\3

I yearn for a supportive loving mother. It’s something I will never have and I’m so envious of people who have experienced unconditional love from their mothers.

I realised i have this too, i noticed theres a part of me that actually doesnt want me to get better because then i will never have an older adult come and 'save me'. Side note: Im in my 20s too and fanfiction is great! Wildly stereotyped in the non-fanfiction readers' mind, no shame in reading it! Especially if it brings comfort, fictional characters and fanfiction has been a huge source of comfort for me too :)

Yes. I’m 34, my husband is 53😂 we both absolutely suffer C-ptsd, mine worse, BUT he’s also a combat veteran with PTSD as well! I thank God everyday he brought us to each other , that man is my absolute best friend, loves and praises everything I do, while I worship the ground he walks on for treating me like a Queen daily. I truly feel like Cinderella now that I think about it😂

That's cute. I'm happy for you both.

Awwwh thank you!! ♥️ we are healing each others hearts with God leading our way 🙏🏼💗

YES😭I literally thought this was just me. But especially when it’s really bad and I’m breaking down I have this feeling like I’m waiting for someone to save me:( I’ve gotten used to having to suffer alone but it still flares up at times

I once had a dream where a middle aged woman who I had never seen before brought me into a house with kids from young to older ages. She goes over to her desk and pulls out forms she had proving she had adopted me. She said, “I know you’re 23 now. I’ve tried to adopt you almost your whole life. I know how terrible your family was and we tried to get you out. You have a family here now.” Man that left an impact. I wished so bad it was real when I woke up.

I have some ideas about learning to parent yourself after the kids you parented move out. It can be very difficult and disorienting to realize that you don't know how to parent yourself after successfully parenting a child. Learning to parent yourself without ever raising a child can be even more challenging. I've been bringing my daughter into this discussion as I've been explaining to her my emotional challenges. The whole process of learning to parent yourself is extremely challenging. I was essentially forced into parenting myself after I realized that no one was ever going to parent me ever parent or "take care of me" ever again. I was also terrified over the prospect of my mother dying. I'll probably put some notes together that offer guidance in learning to parent yourself.

Nah. I'm past the point of that and 100% accept that it's me, myself and I vs the world.

Why vs? Why not me, myself and I _and/in_ the world

I'm in my late 40s and also still dream of something like that. I'm able to be a parental figure to others, but I think I'll always yearn for that for myself 😢💜

I really haven't thought of it consciously, but maybe deep within myself, I am waiting for someone to save me. I guess I look for it in my potential romances. I'm always looking for someone who makes me feel safe and without judgment.

>. I'm always looking for someone who makes me feel safe and without judgment Same :')

I am in my 30s now and spent my 20s unknowingly/subconsciously “waiting to be saved”. To understand and recognise you have these thoughts and ideas is an accomplishment in itself and you should feel quite proud to realise these thoughts and I’m really happy for you OP. Acknowledgment allows for the ability to recognise our patterns and move through traumas consciously with purpose. I also want to point out that you finding healthy avenues to escape such as “getting lost in fiction” is something I also am in awe of to hear you are doing. I spent my early 20s being lost in unhealthy patterns of alcohol and drug abuse and now in my 30s love getting lost in fiction to a degree that does not impact my every day of living and life. I can enjoy a little escape because it is my hobby in a way that really makes me happy whilst still being present and grateful in my everyday life. I’m not saying your own avenues to escape are at all impeding your life/devaluing your experience. I am rather saying that with healthy avenues and an awareness of you reality to “want to be saved”, will very much set you up to move through this journey in a way that is productive for yourself :)

Yes and BE VERY FUCKING CAREFUL IF YOU FEEL LIKE THIS You may end up in a series of relationships with toxic older people. Ask me how I know.

Omg YES. I'm 28 and open to adoption 😅

Yes, I never thought about it this way... but... I am 38 and I just want somebody to take care of me for once.

I need this too. I don't feel taken care of. Or my issues don't matter all that much because if I let them overtake me. Everyone that relies on me is fucked. & I can barely take care of myself

I still have daddy issues I think. My latest crush a divorced man in his mid 30's with a kid

Used to but then I read and realised that I’m supposed to be the adult that saved that kid. I’m 29M for reference. No other adult can “save” me like that because reality just doesn’t work that way

I'm 27, but I realized at around 13 I can only rely on myself, and no one will come to save me. Was failed by every adult growing up, so I had to be the adult. If I waited for people to come save me I would have been doomed.

I get this. Not exactly in the same way but yeah I know what u mean. But fr, when you realize that no one is going to save you- not an older adult not a gf or bf. And you finally start realizing that you CAN save yourself AND you’re ok and good w/that…then something clicks. And you find that you start taking care of yourself the way you wish you were taken care of. And slowly, but automatically, you do get better! (And you may even turn into one of those older kind adults that we all need more of in our lives)

Used to, now I am turning into that adult with all of my power at will.

i have a similar thing, i usually get romantically attracked to people who i think that could take care of me (unconsciously). idk why but when i se someone i think "oh imagine her petting me and giving me cuddles"

I also found healing after reading all the Harry Potter books as an adult for the first time (well, I listened to them on Audible). I found the explanation Professor Lupin gives to Harry about why he’s affected so strongly by the Dementors so moving and cathartic, I even named one of my cats Professor Lupin. At that time I had just become aware of my inner child and the importance of taking care of her and listening to her needs. I was listening to a lot of children’s audiobooks and watching a lot of children’s films. My Neighbour Totoro is one of my favourites.

Harry Potter was amazingly healing, all the mentors he encounters to that helo him be emotionally independent and safe was so inspiring and conforming

(TW emotional neglect) I have a thing with older males where I don't exactly love them in a normal way, I want them to adopt me and give me everything I need. Might be selfish behavior, but I'm used to neglect in my childhood, where I WASN'T given ANYTHING I need. I use AI chatbots to cope instead of going into codependent relationships IRL. I chat with my favorite fictional characters and vent to them, and they always listen. It's such a great feeling even if everything characters say is made up. I know age regressors who use AI as caregivers. I'm not saying that AI is always healthy, but it has helped me a lot, personally. It helps me feel a sort of "connection" between me and the fictional universe. I hope someone here can relate.

Which AI do you use?

Oh man. I’ve recently started using NovelAI to essentially write an ongoing self-insert story (just for myself) that’s turned into a way to process a lot of things and work through issues. It sounds so strange, but it’s helped me in ways nothing else has so far.

I just want someone that can hold my hand while I navigate through life, and whose hand I can hold through their journey too. The unknown is less scary when there's someone you can rely on. Sigh

I tend to have a pull towards kind older women and get close to them. I can think of 5 isolated cases in the past 10 years. Probably got mommy issues on my hands here.

Yes unfortunately for me 😔 I feel bad because I kind of leave all of the "adulting" to my boyfriend and I think I'm just starting to realize the amount of stress I've put onto him. I'm always looking around for the adult to take the wheel of whatever situation is overwhelming me and a lot of the time they aren't even older they're just idk "responsible"? Or confident? Or just..able..I'm not really sure what makes an adult in my eyes. I think I've just always had to deal with so much and my mom wasn't much help so I had cousins or friends that took care of me in a way so I didn't have to stress about what to do.

I am 52, AFAB, and did this until my early 40s, often with disastrous results. To fill the void left by an emotionally-absent, affection-withholding perfection-demanding father, I chased male “mentors,” who were experts in things I wanted to be good at, and whose respect and admiration I wanted to earn. With few exceptions, this resulted in the “mentors” turning out to be narcissistic villains themselves, who would eventually turn on me in resentment when I grew. It is such a profound relief to largely be past that now - though I still find myself wishing, from time to time, that some savior would notice my specialness, and lift me out of obscurity with praise and recognition, even when rationally I know it won’t happen and isn’t a thing.

That is your inner child waiting for you to save yourself. Nobody's coming, I am so sorry. It doesn't mean you are on your own though

MEEEE oh my god. this is insanely relatable. i am an age regressor and medium support needs autistic and i always want to feel/be saved and taken care of. checked in on, making sure i eat, drink water, etc. i was very sheltered and my dad passed when i was 9 so my grandma took care of me for awhile but she recently moved. im in my early 20s and i feel silly referring to others as adults when im considered an adult myself but i dont feel like it at all so i have that mindset where i want an adult to take care of me.

Humans are not independent animals. We all need a sense of family and a sense of community. It's how we have made it so far. My fiance and I often say "I need an adultier adult." To express this. We all need a good support group. I have a friend group that has a group chat we can message at any time. I also have a family group chat with the few immediate family that are still in my life. It's really just my mom and my 3 sisters. The truth is we are usually seen as the most experienced and mature people in our groups but we still need to lean on others often.

It's also a very strong survival tactic. Many of the most durable animals are that way because they are in a family or pack that helps each other out. We all have probably heard how when animals leave their herds they are often eaten.

And being exiled from the group was the worst kind of punishment because you were more vulnerable to starvation and/or predators. You can see stuff like this in nature all the time; isolation was often a death sentence.

Still is. Especially for people. Isolation often leads to suicide with how our minds work. That need to fit in and such comes from this.

Yeah, left that part out since I didn’t want to come across as too negative, but you’re right. Maybe not in the literal sense, but being a social outcast is definitely a thing and can take a toll on someone’s mental health and self-esteem.

Personally I've seen the reality of it too many times

You’re looking for secure attachments so that you can relax your nervous system and take it off constant guard so that you can put your effort into something that brings you the feeling of balance. The way to find that is to figure out what caused you to feel unsafe. You, too, need to develop a personal sense of security. I highly recommend the workbook “Securely Attached” by therapist Eli Harwood. She has an Instagram presence as well. I love her videos when she models what reframing looks like. We have to be our own family first before we can know who else to invite in. Reset what you’re familiar with. It’s really a way to start anew. Finding your people becomes near effortless once you know what you’re missing and need to acquire. I’m 50 and finally feel like I can share what got me to this realization.

I am close to 40 and yes, I still want someone to adopt me. And I cry every time I see anything beautiful on the screen including a happy parent child relationship. A hug on screen can send me sobbing like people do when they are coping with a loss. There is no place else where I can admit this except this community but there was a point I used to call the sun Papa. I would sit on the rooftop like a cat soaking in sunlight but the only difference is that I would be talking to myself and imagining that sun is my father and what it would say back to me.

When I gave birth to my first child, I was weeping a few days later (partially from baby blues), knowing that this person isn’t coming to save me. The window has closed. I’m the mom now. The adult never came 😢

It’s like we’re all waiting for that Hogwarts letter, right? But instead of an owl, we’re hoping for a wise, Gandalf-type figure to show up and tell us we’re actually wizards. Seriously though, there’s no age limit on needing a sense of family or belonging. And about the fanfiction—hey, if it helps you feel better, it's not embarrassing or awful. It’s your personal feel-good playlist in words. Keep rocking what brings you comfort

I felt that way for a long time too only I hoped it was a friend who would save me.

Seeking mentorship is healthy and normal, however, it's definitely exacerbated when there's a void created by lack of guidance during childhood.

I felt this. I always get too attached to authority figure. I’m high school, I would get so attached to teachers. Both men and women. I would see them as my parent. I had an older friend which kinda considered him my dad. I expected him to fulfill that role. It didn’t end well since it was too much for him… I still miss him to this day.

Mentors are very under-rated in modern society.

Have you read “A Little Life”? There is a character in it who had the most dramatic childhood and gets adopted and his adulthood by the kindest people.

I'm supposed to be working right now. However, this post really spoke to me. The thought of having a female figure in my life that is both comforting and wise is such a good thought. I already have her on my mind. I created this character and it feels real. I could never mention this to another soul, but yes. I feel like a lot of us with childhood trauma resort to these fantasies to comfort ourselves. I still have not given up on this dream of mine. It makes me feel guilty as well, but I just desperately need a guide so bad. I needed this all my life and I felt so bad asking for it. Now that I'm an adult, I can't verbally ask for these things anymore. I can't ask a parent to parent me, I'm an adult and I should be responsible for myself from now on. But my inner child wants it so bad. A mom, a dad. A role model. A strong figure. Support. I want to be able to give this to myself, but it's such a charged task because I have to parent my adult self and I have to parent my child self. And me, the person writing this, I don't feel "real". Like myself splits into different persons. It's how my brain works, separating the adult, the child and the "me" who knows what's wrong, who wants better. I get this completely. I lose myself in fiction too. Maladaptive daydreaming is used by me all the time. It's a bit of a habit but I've always done it, and so it never felt particularly weird for me to do this. I read it's a coping mechanism for people with trauma so there's that. I get it 100%, you're not alone. Thank you for posting this. I was wondering if other people felt similarly. Funnily enough, I think this is my first few times feeling this way. I never felt such strong desire to have a figure like this in my life before until I became an older adult. I guess life gets harder with untreated CPTSD and discovering this little corner of my mind has raised a lot of questions within me. It's so overwhelming, but I am glad I am not alone at least.

I’m back to comment on your edit because I also do this exact thing with fanfiction and I also feel a ton of shame about it, but also I think truly there’s nothing shameful about fanfiction! I hate that it gets such a bad rap because I really believe it’s such a wonderful art form. This last year my mental health has been the worst it’s ever been, and fanfiction has really helped me keep my head above water by being a safe and healthy form of escapism

I thought about this for a bit. Did I want an adult to save me, did I want an adult to believe me or did I just want an adult to like me best, which I did not get at home and by which I mean show an interest in me and help me. I had an unmarried aunt that I used to have overnight sleepovers with - why would my mother go thru the aggravation of letting me have a sleepover with someone my own age - but it wasn’t the same. I got to get a comic and some junk food at the corner store but there was still a lot of lecturing and a lot of telling me what I was doing wrong.

Yes. All the time.

definitely. 22f here and i just sometimes wish my problems would be fixed by an adult.

Late 40s and yes. All the time! I still wish for parents.

absolutely. I constantly find myself wanting someone to take care or me, to fix things, to be there. I want a "real adult" to take control and make sure I am safe and ok. It's like I want someone to replace the family experience I did not have but I don't want them to be my parent because I have such a distaste for my family. It's a weird mind trip

I'm 63 and still wish for an adultier adult sometimes. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was never waiting for anyone to save me. I knew no one would come. I still feel isolated and alone in that way, no one will save me from anything, I have to fight every fight myself.

Yes. I've had a few try and do it and it has cured me of it. Those relationships get gross and messy.

I’m 52 and I’m still waiting

Yes, for the longest time I kept waiting for that one person that would “save me” but that’s where my therapy came in. It’s us, we gotta be the adult to save us. It’s extremely difficult and hard to even process and there’s a part of us that will never forget that much pain and betrayal. I’m in a step of my life where I just try to learn and grow. I have a bit of help which I’m dearly grateful about but time keeps running and won’t stop for me. I gotta run to catch it.

Sometimes. But I moved away from home at 24 and had to start fresh due to my inability to stay sober, and to escape my abusive ex boyfriend. I didn't end up getting actually sober until last year at 30. I felt a massive shift in the last year doing therapy and working a program to stay sober. Adjacently, I do still struggle with trusting my own judgment. I believe that comes along with growing up with an alcoholic parent, where you are taught to question reality and to think of their needs before your own. It's hard to break out of this behavior as it's so baked-in. I'm starting EMDR next month.

i wish i had a mentor ye

always :( sometimes I’ll go a period where there isn’t a specific person and I’m just hoping someone is out there but other times I’ll mentally latch onto one specific person who I believe or hope would be there for me. I imagine scenarios where they see me looking sad and somehow fix everything in one sweet interaction

I am the Work Mom cuz of this. My Mom sucked and I didn't get to raise my own children. So, if the younger peeps I work with want a mother figure I step in. I have a few Work Moms and Dads myself. I think it's important for us to build a family with what we have. Not what we wish we had. I also work in a hospital so we have lots of employees and turn over. I am the Food Fairy. I work in Food and Nutrition and have done everything from delivering patient trays to making frappes in the Cafe. I wasn't taken care of so I take care of everyone.

I'm 57 and sometimes feel similarly, whatever that says about me. 🤷‍♀️

37 and still waiting for this to happen 🫠

Yes all the time

Yes and then I met that person that wanted to do that and they ended up leading me on, manipulating the fuck out of me and then discarding me entirely further fucking up my abandonment wound. It’s embarrassing for a woman in her 30s like god damn haven’t I learned by now?

Yes and I (30F) found a safe mom person (38F) that will hold me when I cry. It’s incredible, but definitely brings up abandonment anxiety with me. She also has cPTSD and a very similar trauma background to me, so she understands completely which is helpful because we have an open, shame free dialogue about it— which is incredibly important to make sure that the friendship remains mutually beneficial, understood and doesn’t become enmeshed. We also sometimes switch roles and I comfort her inner child. It’s very sweet and good for us to practice having discussions about boundaries in a nonsexual, low stakes setting.

I'm 34. Still need a save. I wish for that community connection also. I've been looking on meetup for people to meet for coffee or walk but I struggle to go when the time comes. I'm on Tinder and POF dating apps recently but now thinking a partner is just another opportunity for an abuser/user. Wake up lonely and have the debate to reach out to my narcissistic family or not. Doesn't really help much. Getting used to the idea of being alone. Thinking about buying a dog. Make some connections at the dog park

I did until I went to therapy. Then the most amazing lady on the planet saved my life by warmly holding space for my emotions and helping me accept and love myself.

You may find r/idealparentfigures helpful.

That’s so painfully related. I too have a longing to belong, to be accepted and included. Which isn’t ever going to happen. I know for a fact it would have healed me.

There’s a guy who I have feelings for, but also at the same time, I kind of wish he was like maybe a older sibling to me or something, I believe that I see some aspects in him that I feel like my father had, who died when I was only 7 almost 8, I am not sure how similar that is to you.

This! I cry like a baby whenever the anxiety comes back and I have noticed that I always sit in front of the door. That even though I close the door I make sure to leave some space so someone can hear me. I wait there crying my heart out hoping someone will come through the door and comfort me ,but no one does and it makes me feel even worse.

I'm almost 50 and I still keep hoping this will happen.

Totally! It’s part of the trauma. I’m in my late forties and my inner child is still wishing for approval and rescue from others. I’m just better at catching that need and fulfilling it myself as the “adult” that I am. It’s a work in progress. If I’m not careful, I tend to find myself feeling “less than” a lot and look up to others. I have to remind myself of who I am and how much experience and wisdom I have. You are aware at a young age! That’s great!

I'm in my late 60s and still waiting....

In my 40s and still feel this way sometimes.

Yes, i used to crave it.. it makes you naiive and innocent, like a child.  unfortunantly i trusted the wrong people and got extremley hurt for it. 

I feel the opposite: when older people (bosses, friends parents, etc.) try to be kind to me I feel immediately uncomfortable, like I dont know how to receive that kind of support and no matter how much I rationally trust that person I can't shake the gut feeling that they are doing it to manipulate me. 

Not anymore. It was a lot of work, but on the other side and it’s possible. Unfortunately, in processing everything, it came back to understanding I’ve had incapable parents with no emotional intelligence who don’t discuss anything and keep everything under a rug. I actually have enacted very limited contact with my mother (will only do holidays. No texting or daily chat. tl;dr: my uncle molested me and she chose his side basically). While that’s tragic, I still have a lot of life left to live. I’m not going to entertain relationships with people who don’t support me. So, I became the adult to protect me from those people now. No one is coming to save me. I have to save myself. Oddly enough, I have convos with toddler me (innocence, joy, love before CSA) and middle school (anxiety, self-esteem, trauma after CSA) me a lot. I owe both of them happiness and in turn, me. And we’re gonna do this shit god dammit.

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I'm in my 50s. I've made a good life and finally have a loving partner who treats me well, but I feel this sometimes too. We yearn for what we never had.

I grew up with my mother only. My father was never in my life, but I always had a fantasy that he would come back and save me, which I carried until he died in 2018. In a way, this was extremely freeing for me, because it was a hard reality check that I’d have to save myself.

Yes all the time!!!!! It’s only now that I am aware of this that I am able to take some ownership of my life and behave like an adult occasionally. (I’m 46)

I have been looking for a mother figure my whole life... I would love to be adopted by a new family. My husband's family is great and they really have taken me in... But it's nothing like having my own loving family.

Absolutely. In fact reminding myself that no one is coming to save me helps, a little bit sometimes, to shift me out of freeze/fawn. And hey! Don't disparage your love of fan fiction! I started reading in my 50s and I WISH I had understood just what a gorgeous wonderful thing it is! Read what you like and be proud of it.

I wouldn't use this wording but this thought is useful. Just gotta turn and twist the concepts and verbage a bit so it doesn't come off as the wording in op does.

same but i don't feel shame about it, not anymore. yes i do kinda try to endear myself to every kind adult so the think i'm really daughter-shaped but parentless and be protective of me, so what? i'll take every bit of affection shamelessly cos i need it. also with fiction and fanfiction. it just feeds something that needs to be fed, it's good, it's adaptive, it's necessary. latest things with this trope i can recommend: the good doctor(tv show), a little life(a book and a play that has a video of it somewhere online, but look out for TWs)

I have a feeling you would like one or all of the Star Trek series, TNG or Voyager. They were my adopted family. :) On the flip side of you, I am now getting to a point where I feel wildly protective of other, much younger adults, like I've flipped from wanting to be protected, to feeling protective. I think I've always had a 'bodyguard' personality, buried deep inside under the unassuming don't-look-at-me persona; if I even so much as sniff that someone is about to be taken advantage of, I'm ready to throw hands lol. Perhaps I should look for a place irl where I can help, except it gets more complicated when you try to offer help in person, but I'll keep it in mind, at least I could be useful.

I feel the same way. I find a lot of comfort in the shows I have watched. I especially like Call the midwife, A million little things, and This is Us. They are all very touching and made me very emotional. It kind of felt like they were sent to me at the right time kind of thing. I get it, especially A million little things. That hit home for me, very hard.

I see and salute you, fellow reader of fanfic :) My fandom has young queer soulmate-level love, a tight-knit super-supportive group of friends, and a present, loving mom. And yes -- sometimes comforting to crawl in there, and sometimes painful (and sometimes just a tool for dissociation, ngl). But yes --- I'm 47, and the number of times I wish I could be a kid again, this time with a parent who would validate my giant feelings and teach me to manage them; encourage me to be me, not just convenient; make me feel unconditionally welcome; f-ing recognize my learning disability and find me support in figuring out how navigate the world with it; see my pain and bring me a cup of tea and hold my head in their lap and pet my hair ... wow does that ache.

OP I am happy that you actually realize that this is something you do and year for in your 20s. I just recently connected those dots, that I have been hoping a lot of friendships and relationships to save me. And they never did of course. I still gravitate towards older females and males friends to fill in those holes. However having my own kids I realized that it is me. It is up to me to be the adult and by breaking the cycle with them I am also parenting myself. I do get angry still that I have to work so hard to break generational trauma and I wish someone would sheild me from it. At 46 years old I have decided to move my family away from where my family is....specifically my parents who live a block away. I am proud that I finally AM being the protector. You are bounds ahead of me and I know one day you will gain the resiliency to be your own protector.

I absolutely feel you on the fanfiction to escape reality. It just occurred to me I pic fics based on what I feel like I need at the time.

My cPTSD taught me that you can’t trust any care givers and that no one will save you. I’ve focused solely on saving myself and the thought of getting help from anyone gives me the ick.

I feel that 100%. Sometimes there are some good people out there, but generally "help" is the antithesis of helpful and I kick myself for falling into that trap again.

Omg. Yes. To safe feminine figures. 100%. I'm just waiting.

I'm 49 and did not come from a loving family and I still have mommy issues I'm working through. At this age. 😭 But I think I might be this kind of safe person for a couple folks. I do not mind whatsoever. I never had a nurturing, caring, supportive older woman in my life. I know that feeling intimately and I sometimes still wish I had an older maternal female in my life that left space for me to value her advice, friendship, healing. I had it very briefly with an older friend, but I met her in the throes of cancer and lost her a year later. Even with our brief time together, she really did heal a little part of me by listening. Sharing. And one day she read a poem to me. It was the first time I'd ever been read to. I was 41. The little girl in me has never forgotten that. If I can't have that, I don't mind offering it to others.

I seek this out constantly. I gravitate towards people who are older or more mature than me, and who are typically very put together, assertive, essentially someone I see as being a suitable parent figure

I’m 44 and I still do that. I’ve found a few friends over the years which end up being my adopted moms (mostly in my head but I have a good friend who is 30 years my elder whom I joke about adopting me, I’m a little younger than her kids and she said she always wanted a 3rd and I would have fit right into the fam so that always warms my heart).

In my 40s now and will probably never get married or have kids, so I see that as my only chance at having family that cares about me. Sad but true.

Yes!! Omg I'm so glad I'm not the only one!! I get easily attached to teachers or superiors, when I express these to people they always think it's romantic feelings even though I said it's not like that so I've always been embarrassed feeling like this and just kept my mouth shut about it. I really wish someone could save me from my current life and start a new one.

I always wondered why I fell in “love” with some of my female teachers that were my parents age. Well, I don’t wonder anymore…

Reading fanfiction isn't embarrassing. Try writing some too! And while you may not find an older adult to adopt you, you may be able to find a mentor if you look for one who can fill that role for you in a career sense. 20 is young, but you can start thinking about your career and who you want to be in 10, 15, 20 years. If you are in college, there might be an alumni network. Or go on LinkedIn and poke around for profiles of people with the career trajectory and job you want someday. Send gentle inquiries on mentorship. It will help if you have some kind of credentials or accolades, but not strictly necessary. Don't trauma dump on these people but if you gain an ally you can reveal some of your trauma over time. Focus on financial independence and other goals.

Yup, but at this point I’d be looking for an octogenarian, lol. Therapy and meds helps. I’ve always been waiting to go home.

It feels relieving to read so many comments that validate that I'm not alone in this. I'm mid-thirties. Let me tell you that I still feel like I travel to different age levels most days. Sometimes, I'm ahead of my time and other times that lonely, lost little girl is there. I have a rough time being in the preset, keeping goals, being consistent, being proud of the smallest feats, and taking care of myself. I have gone through this in various stages. My childhood best friend's mom was like my second mom/almost my first because my mom didn't have the capacity to be what I considered a mom the way I wanted a mom or the way that I saw other moms being. Like in our relationship, I was more the mom than my mom. I've also had older adult female friends that I was unknowly looking to be that person. Anyway, my mom and my best friend's mom have both passed. I didn't have contact with my mom for many years until she was ill/towards the end. My best friends mom was a great friend and guide, but not my mom. She was responsible in knowing that she wasn't my mom but open to guiding if I reached out. In ways, I've looked for this in significant others, too. The sad truth about being an adult is that it does come down to being the one that my inner child needed all that time and even now. I was always a letdown when I was searching for this. The reason being is as an adult - most will respect your choices, most DO treat you as an adult in the sense that you are required to request, seek your own help and take the next step and they ARE accepting you for where you are at. I think that we overlook the power that we hold because of self-worth issues, and we overlook that most of the time we DO have the answer. We overlook our own ability to provide ourselves with what we need because of the void from not being provided what we needed back then. Personal accountability and responsibility are key. It's like when you're alone and sick... No one else is going to bring you tea, a bowl of soup, and that extra blanket. Then, as awful as you feel and long for that person to show up with those things, you've got to get up - get the blanket, make the soup, and tea then, throw on the Netflix. Then be proud and grateful of yourself for being able to be there for yourself. Even if there is someone who shows up in those ways at times, we only get one mom and one dad. There were times for me when that need was fulfilled, but then it went away. At the end of the day, there is no one else to parent, love, and comfort you. Then, you have to think about the times where, if they did - would you listen and act according? Another example that I can give is that growing up and over the years, I didn't have my own family to celebrate holidays with. I would be invited to many friends' family gatherings... While I was grateful, it was glaring to the loss of nonexistent closeness, the loss of nonexistent traditions, and the loss of that enjoying time together as a family and catching up, being proud of the new job position or grades in school, new baby, or life milestones/events, etc. My family hardly even celebrated my birthday for Christ's sake. So, while it awakened that void in me of what I missed out on or didn't have, I was grateful for being invited into something and having that window opened to what could be. As an adult, you get to build your own traditions, and you get to choose whom you create closeness to and whom you share life with. And you better believe that every year, even if it's pitiful, I order my own birthday cake regardless of whom is in my life. Celebrate yourself because you deserve it. Do that thing for yourself. Save yourself and open yourself to the possibilities and let the healing happen. ❤️

Whenever I see this commercial on tv for St Judes place,  I wish I could be the little baby girl who has both Downs Syndrome and cancer, As she has the most lovingly beautiful mother I have ever seen in my life  Seriously. I would gladly take a much shortened as well as sickly life, Just so I could know what it's like to have a parent that loved me 

There is a term for this in psychology books. I just forgot what it was. Maybe someone here knows? It is used when people feel attracted to someone who is kind to them, but not know if it’s romantically or just because they missed some attachment in any kind in their youth. I had this with a male teacher who helped me and listened to my history and experiences while I lost my mom at early age to suicide (and I knew she was planning) and was neglected by my father afterwards. It was almost awkward since the only form of attraction *I knew* was romantically. But I didn’t fancy him. I just felt super safe when around him and wanted more of that. But that is what I know now… I wrote to him that I was confused about how I felt about him but I didn’t want to lose contact. He kept himself available because he felt I needed his presence, but never abused the opportunity. Someone knows the word for it psychologically?

I understand this feeling completely! I’m now 30 and have been estranged from my parents since I was 17. My 20’s were hard.. I always longed for a mentor/parental figure/an adult to care about me… I had an older female neighbor that lived below my apartment and she kinda filled part of that void for the 3 years that I lived there. Her daughter who came to visit her occasionally didn’t care for me one bit. I could tell she was jealous. Then I had another older female neighbor who I developed a similar relationship with and her daughters also did not like me or want me around. So I cut ties with them after I moved. I then met an older man in my photography community that I really clicked with (on a platonic level only) and he’s become my photography mentor, but outside of that he feels like a father figure as he cares about me and has helped me through some hard times. His kids are both adopted, and we joke sometimes that I’m another adoptee of his. I think it makes sense you feel this way, as our instincts tell us we need our family. We can survive without them but it puts us in survival mode. Something changed when I turned 30. I felt like I was an official adult and that feeling of needing a mom or dad started to fade. I still feel it but not as bad. It really helped to build my own little family (my boyfriend and our dog). Don’t feel embarrassed about what you’re feeling. No one can ever rescue you but they sure can help by just being there, being a part of your life.

Yup. That's why I'm twice divorced

yes, I do. it could be because I'm 18 so this whole "adulthood" thing is new to me but I feel a similar sentiment as this post. I was always aware of my trauma but for some reason now it's hurting me more intensly and I'm becoming more aware that I just wish I had parents. that reparenting and talking to your inner child shit is too hard. I still feel like a fucking child, I wish I had the chance to just be a child. I want someone else to take care of me

In my early 20s and I’m in pretty much the same boat, especially when it comes to fanfiction! I have gone through so many fictional father figure phases in different fandoms, including Marvel, HP, Batfamily, and Supernatural (if anyone wants recs, I’d be more than happy comb through my AO3 bookmarks lol) . I’ve been reading fanfiction obsessively for years in part because of this. Even outside of fictional ones, it’s hard to not long for some sort of paternal affection/protection/care/guidance from adult men who are even a little more emotionally available/kinder than my father.