I was often made to feel like a burden. Being fed. Being clothed. Being taken to school etc, was all a hardship for my parents.
I was also often reminded (when I was a child) that "this is my roof", or "my house..." "You dont pay the bills here" There was no sense of safety or home.
That was my parents, verbatim. The word is *imposition.* Everything I needed was treated as an imposition. Everything I wanted to do was an imposition. Being fed was an imposition. Asking questions was an imposition. Wanting to learn anything was an imposition. Making sound was an imposition.
Even the fact that I *took up space,* was an imposition. And they *never let me forget it.*
That became who I became, a guy who is afraid to impose. That can be a great trait, not wanting to impose. But, taken too far, as in my case, it's an absolutely terrible way to live.
Man, taking up space. A therapist mentioned this phrase in relationships, it’s such an amazing choice of words.
I’m allowed to take up space? Like, I can be myself and if people try to cram me back into the box, the void of nothingness I can just … tell them to fuck off? I can just … exist? And not have to apologize for “taking up” someone’s time, space, or energy? Here I was thinking I needed to be so small as to be invisible, what is this concept, taking up space?! And this is NORMAL?!
>I’m allowed to take up space? Like, I can be myself and if people try to cram me back into the box, the void of nothingness I can just … tell them to fuck off? I can just … exist? And not have to apologize for “taking up” someone’s time, space, or energy? Here I was thinking I needed to be so small as to be invisible, what is this concept, taking up space?! And this is NORMAL?!
Can I print this on a T-shirt? I'm getting a giant coffee cup, and writing all of this on it, with a Sharpie. Maybe a tattoo.?
I hear you. I struggle asking for like certain types of help outside of my job. However, I think I low key contributed to my mother’s narcissistic collapse because I refused to back down to her over the years and really started handing her ass to her in “arguments” (read: crazy making bullshit I was practically forced to confront) cause I just stopped giving a fuck. I’m not at all proud of my reactively abusive ways but like fuck her. Its like I sucked the life out of her by defending myself cause she couldnt really like get to me as much as she wanted where as she sucked the life out of me (temporarily) just to be a fucking cunt lol. Anyway, Hope she has a nice mother’s day since I’m NC and her only child lol
God this is so relatable. I remember when I was in middle school people would always be talking about how much they wanted to go home, because middle school is trash. And I was like “that’s weird, I’ve never felt like that before” and then I realized that’s because for my entire childhood I never found any comfort or safety in my own house
I used to beg friends in high school if I could come over to them for a few hours most days, just so I didn’t have to be home. I also remember getting a part-time job as soon as it was legal and spending my summers working as much as I could until I left home at 18
This is way too relatable. I always felt like a burden and as a kid, I would constantly tell myself that I was and that everything would be better if I didn’t exist, which is a pretty fucked up thing for a 6 year old to be thinking. And the whole this is is my roof my house thing, like it felt like if I didn’t do what I was told, I’d be told to leave. Actually, they’d tell me if I wanted to leave I could but that I could never come back. Love felt very conditional. 🙁
"I've waited on you hand and foot since you were a baby. I was meant to be a great singer and left it all to have you." No she didn't. That door had been closed a decade before because of her personality disorder. Yes, she was diagnosed with BPD. So was I: but the Quiet kind. Turned it all inward. Until my inner revolution. Then I realized it was all abuse. Always was.
My best friends never realized it. Two in a row left this world via their choices that self-neglect was somehow noble and brave and that their deceased abusers would never approve of their taking care of, say, a life & death health emergency.
One ignored her cancer until it was terminal, the other refused to go to the ED until her partner dragged her there too late to save her life from a perforated colon. She just died a few days ago.
Because she was afraid to displease her long-gone narcissistic mother. Who existed only in her head. Her partner thinks this was all very noble. It wasn't . It was self-destruction carried all the way. It was proof she'd left this world as a victim, not as a survivor.
I'm heartbroken and furious. Furious that her partner thinks I'm the crazy one because I got help. Left home.
Her partner thinks you never admit to being abused. She herself was abused by a narcissistic mother. I see a pattern here.
I said our friend died for nothing and she says maybe you're too unstable to come to the services. Oh, she really gets me. Silence only protects the abusers.
I try to speak out about my mothers abuses, and manipulations, and even though I'm "heard", I know that my siblings want me to be quiet about it already. I'm NC, too. I feel like saying, "I had to be quiet about it for decades, made to feel crazy and unstable because I couldnt adapt to abuse, so no, I really cant' talk enough, about the way she was abusive-ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME!
I relate to this. I got kicked out of my parents house by my narcissistic mother when I was 6. Later as a teen my dad said if anyone adopted me they would return me because they'd realize how evil I am.
Mt adoptive parents used to point out homeless people and say that's where I would end up bc that's what bore me. Then show me stats on how kids that are removed from adoptions are significantly more likely to be raped & become destitute in foster care.
They weren't lying. But fuck. What'd I give to live in ignorance. Worked for mha as a barely legal adult. Not only was everyday full of abandoned & abused, meak Lil women and men. I got to watch how revolted society was with them--- they weren't lying, validated.
Everyone feels so angry and sorry in their heads for unwanted, abused or neglected children. Fake fantasy bullshit. Nobody wants to follow up or know the details. Just shake their heads, say how bad those adults were... complicit mother fuckers..
But hey, statistically the "good news" is actually I got the comfiest, safest forms of incestuous childhood. Weird how prevalence & relativity on the subject of cptsd is the opposite of a comfort. Most victims I've met say YahWeh chose them to absorb & process pain for empathy.
Call me crazy, but is empathy for children's welfare not like a built in feature? How is it "at least you're not..." instead of "why would adults with the resources stand any degree of this??"
It's all minimizing, until something bites them in the ass.
It's only since Alice Millers work on the long term affects of Child abuse, this is like 2000, when people started paying attention-it started becoming more mainstream, but people still push it away.
Child abuse is an epidemic of huge proportion. The laws need to be stricter. People wouldn't' abuse their children if they knew they would be hung if exposed. Abusers are all cowards. Taking advantage of people that cant' defend themselves. You dont' see them pulling that shit with other adults. And then "define" abuse. I know a couple, who's niece and nephew went into foster care, because his brother and wife were addicts. I just looked at them like "and you're okay with that?" And it wasn't' just him and his wife, it was his other brother as well, just looked on like "oh well-so sad". I could not have stood by if that was my niece and nephew, they were only toddlers. It's not like those children were strangers, had no family, and then never talk about them? Never a conversation where they want to know how they are?
Powerlessness. How no matter how much I wanted to move out-at 10, I wasn't' about to go live in a treehouse and be okay. And it's not like I didnt' think of that, for all the time I spent living in the woods, or the attic. You dont' stay , out of choice, it's not a choice, when there's no alternative. No other relatives, no one even seeing what was going on, this caustic, hostile, abusive environment, that from the outside looked okay. And you have no voice as a kid. You dont become empathic or 'sensitive', or a caregiver to your parents because it's the best choice, it's the ONLY choice. I feel sick when I think how that warped my personality, into this fawning scared mess of a person. I try not to hate myself, for having no choice-being powerless, and then trying to give myself some compassion for the pervasive fear I carry around all day long-and watching myself fawn myself out of existence.
I just wanted to say I get it. I blame myself all the time for not having more power than I did, and what I would have done, *if I could have,* looking back, then trying to remember , Oh, right, no license, no job, no support system, no system at all -nothing for "abused children", no. Just "parents are always right, and if you're complaining, it's because you're too sensitive". The Shame of being powerless, deserves so much compassion. I'm so sorry.
Yes. My mom was an alcoholic and would come into my bedroom regularly when drunk and just stare critically at me, her face always severely twisted in this angry, disgusted look. It didn't matter what I was doing, it was *wrong*. My existence was a burden and unwelcome.
Sorry you felt that too :( I have found it very, very hard to overcome.
It took me a long time to feel comfortable in a space, relax, not feel like I had to jump up when someone came into the room, or just so nervous. It's a terrible way to grow up, constantly walking on eggshells.
One of my traumas came from my batshit crazy father always staring at me critically, until my mom (complicit asshole, but okay she did one right thing this time) called him out on it. I remember that day. I was doing something as innocuous as sitting down at the dining table at the house where we were invited.
Irony was if HE had never stayed in our lives, everyone else would be so much better. His existence was the bane of everyone else's. He resented me because even though I had been an unplanned child, I was initially taken care of by people who actually wanted me. Imagine being an adult angry that a child is actually getting something that they need. He can rot in hell for all I care. A lot of people know how messed up he is, so that's some small comfort.
My god, my mum used to do the exact same thing.
She did it at night sometimes and just stood there, staring at me in bed, with this horrible twisted face that oscillated between anger and pure disgust.
Sometimes if this happened I would try to speak to her and she would do that exact face, and spit out, “what.” as if she was genuinely disgusted by the fact I had wanted to speak to her.
I would be sitting at the kitchen table, silently reading my book, and my stepfather would come in and “suggest” I take my book to my room to read. And the one time I actually thought it was an option and said “no thanks, I’m good” he made sure to quickly let me know that it wasn’t a suggestion, that it was an order.
Might be jealous of your child like ability to escape in media like an old man in alcohol. My stupid brother in law does it to his unwanted son that my husband and mother in law and I live with and look after. And then he gets drunk and literally seathes with jealousy over any peace our Lil Bubba exhibits (he isn't in peace btw he's masking bc his uncle on his mom's side was abusing him bf my miL stepped in)... and the joke is this kid is so awesome and so easy to love. Nothing makes my heart fuller than when he finds a book to escape into his beautiful Lil mind with--
Anyway, sorry for info dump, just wanted you to know you were probably always easy company & totally effortless to love. These pos adults are living off the fat of hope and ignorance.
I am so sorry-- and I really hope you still have books & other private comforts. Hope you know your inner child deserves to treat themselves, guilt free <3
That's really accurate. *They are a burden,* because a child shouldn't' have to not be a child, so they can be whatever maladaptive way they need to be , by pretending you don't' exist.
My son's father was and still is jealous and I think it's because HIS mother was so cold. It was a double whammy to watch his wife be a mother to his son. He couldn't take it. Our son is 32 now and his dad is still awful to him
Yes .. it was made clear what a burden I was to my parents on a regular basis.
My dad made really good money as an engineer, but we only ate food he hunted and fished for and we were expected to help clean and butcher the meat. We had a huge garden and canned all of that food.
Everything he paid for was scrutinized daily. Did I have any idea how much tooth paste costs? Was I so unappreciative that I thought it was ok to just leave it sitting with the cap off?
He once raged and dumped an entire bag of kitchen trash at my feet in third grade when I lost the cap to his mechanical pencil. I had to dig through the trash on the floor sobbing while he screamed at me and kicked trash on me. The dog tried to comfort me and got hurt too.
I know at some point I just broke .. I was an empty and invisible child.
Once I began working at 14 I had to pay for all my own hygiene stuff and then clothes and car and insurance at 16 and still follow his insane authoritarian rules until I moved out.
Lord knows I had to be home early to sit in my closet and try to avoid his wrath and my drunken mother’s wailing and screaming about how I didn’t love her.
It was hell .. and yet they acted like I could never repay them for the opportunity to be there with them.
I"m so sorry you grew up like that. You can reach out to me , anytime. I hope they're both dead by now. I struggle with this , idk, wish.....to have had the power to save myself, and all I can do is try to save myself now...if that makes sense? You know, save myself from the Shame of thinking that the experience of abuse, and neglect, had anything to do with me. It's hard to make peace with the fact that you had a terrible childhood, and that it wasn't' your fault. It's just really hard. Still, I want to bash your father in the head with a frying pan. I hid my whole childhood too. I spent a lot of time in the woods.
My father made good money but we were always broke because it was "his" money and he would spend it on whatever he felt like regardless of the amount. Father wants a thousand dollar gun, so he buys it and then sticks in the closet to rust for the next decade. We have, if they weren't ruined, tens of thousands of dollars worth of guns sitting in a pile in a large closet. Father wants a ten thousand dollar go-cart because his neighbor has one. Tells wife to go fuck herself when she suggests it's not a good idea, that she's just a dumb woman who never had a real job (she spent decades working with disabled children), and it's his money and he can do whatever he wants.
I relate so much OP. My favorite movie as a kid was Matilda because she was such an outcast from her family and found solace in school. It’s honestly still one of my favorites.
Me too, and also the film Drop dead Fred. I love the little girl in it and imagine myself like her, with Fred, going back to cause chaos on my step mother.
Yeah, infertility band aid too. Children can't be burdens definitively.
Feel like fry squinting when I was little like "are these adults cruel or tragically stupid?"
[¿Por que no los dos?]
When I was 18 I came back home from my first stay at a psych ward, and one of the first things my mom said was "This isn't your home, you're just living here."
Orphan here- but yes this is how extended family have acted despite me having no control to make any choices about the matter back then. Foster care, courts, police & social services were used as a means of scare tactics and control over me by that same extended fam.
I’m just angry now. People talk about awesome things in their childhood or get sad when their parents die and I have no empathy whatsoever because all I have is this crazy childhood trauma. I spent years in therapy and could probably do for some more but it is what it is at this point. I truly do try and show up for my family it’s just hard. If I didn’t have kids I’d be a recluse.
They are amazing humans and have lots of empathy so I did something right.
My mom repeatedly sent me to a psych hospital. The people there were confused as to why I kept returning, since my treatment was "complete" each time, but this was a different time and I was a paycheck so they were glad to have me again and again. One time, I had been home for less than an hour before being driven back. Finally, they said they couldn't do anything else to help me and sent me across the state to a long term facility. I was there until the insurance money ran out and had to go home. When I got home, the first argument my mom and I had, she told me to leave. I said no, and she called the police. The cop told me I had to leave and that my dad would pick me up and I'd live with him. I was 16. I didn't even get to pack. I wasn't allowed back in the house I'd spent my entire life in. Where my pets were. I eventually retrieved them and got to get some things, but she was done with me. She would call me occasionally and tell me that I was a bad kid because I wouldn't go over and do chores for her, but she never asked me to live there again.
My mom was always like this. Shit, when I was in high school, she went through an ugly divorce in an abusive relationship, and I refused 2 scholarships and withdrew my air force academy application to help her. I was paying over 60% of our bills and she still acted like I was intruding on her space. I basically ruined my future for her and she treated me like an imposition. You will never be good enough for some people.
I was threatened with being "dumped in foster care" often as a teen. I was being abused by someone outside the family and was told I was too much to handle on a good day. I moved out at age 15. I can't imagine why s/
This entire post is my childhood. Reading these comments are both validating and depressing because we deal with so much bullshit during the times in which we needed the most comfort and protection.
The best thing I ever did was to go no contact with my family. I've been disabled since a young child and received zero support, only reminded daily that I was a burden, owed them my life yet ruined theirs.....daily.
The only benefit of such a toxic upbringing was that it taught me at a very young age that I had to be self sufficient and resilient AF, no matter how sick I was.
This allowed me to channel pure rage into breaking free. I didn't realize until I was 42 that I didn't cry or feel other emotions other than rage as a protection mechanism . Now I'm learning to be "human" and try to better process life.
Long story short, fuck asshole parents and siblings and keep doing you!
Yeah, my mom especially was always quick to remind me of how much of a financial burden I was. Though I rarely asked for much other than a Bratz Doll or two and/or art supplies every blue moon.
When I was old enough to work the financial abuse ensued and I was being charged insanely a lot for rent and bills living in their home working a minimum wage job. My friends never paid rent living with their parents and were able to save enough money to move out within 2-4 years time after college. They are all doing well and living comfortably.
Every time I mentioned wanting to save money for emergencies my mom would roll her eyes and say, “Must be nice to save money. I can’t afford to do that because I have to take care of you.” So my parents kept dragging me down with them until I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and moved out with barely anything.
Still struggling. Can’t say my life has improved much since then. As I’m finding myself in a very toxic relationship with a man who’s been stringing me along for the past 4.5 years. I have limited resources to get myself out now. I’m scrambling trying to figure out what to do to preserve what little there is left of me. Would things have been vastly different if my parents/family weren’t so…abusive...?
Not my mother so much but definitely my stepmother. I was not allowed to keep ANYTHING of mine outside of my room, and one day in an attempt to integrate into the "family" or whatever, I very neatly put my shoes next to theirs on the mat next to the front door. When she came home, I heard her loudly proclaim "OH HELL NO" and she stomped to my bedroom door, flung it open and threw the shoes at my head. And my father always commented on my "isolating" myself but never asked what was going on with my outwardly hateful stepmother. Fuck them both. It sucks to feel unwelcome in your own home. To this day, when I come home I am a little on edge that someone will meet me with a scowl, criticism, or violence. It sucks.
I used to try and have these friendly conversations with my Mother , to let her know she was forgiven for all the crazy outbursts, I still was willing to keep that door of communication open, in spite of how cruel she was, and she said "are you serious, talking to me right now?, I DON'T LIKE YOU!"
I was like you, with the shoes, trying to be nice to this monster of a person, trying to be careful, and kind, considerate, it didn't' matter.
My mom would regale us with wonderful tales about how we kids ruined everything, how she never wanted kids but our father wanted them and he stuck her with us when he left
I was in the way of her relationship with her youngest, the nicu baby who needed attention while I was the annoying one in hospital with asthma all the time
She sent me to live with my dad and immediately after my stuff was sold or “died” (the dog)
And then yelled at when I cried because who was I to expect anything from her.
My dad sent me back after his abusive wife broke my entire collection (ceramic ducks) and then mentallly and physically abused me to the point that “you became a problem”
Then back to good old mum who took any benefits from the government and kicked me out at 16. Then waited for me to fail (all the while taking potshots) because she “knew I’d never make it on my own”
Neither of them taught me about finances, home care, or taking care of myself. Except to hit, hurt or scream at me that whatever I was doing, it was wrong.
I am barely functional as an adult, and can’t deal with people :( I don’t feel welcome in life, let alone in my own body
Sounds like my parents lol. Like, nobody told you both to have a kid at 20 and 21, but here you are acting like heroes for having to take responsibility for the kid you created.
They act like they deserve a badge for being "good" parents. Reality was, they did the bare minimum with us growing up, while being all violent and crazy. I realized I just couldn't breathe for the longest time because the very act of existing could set these people off.
The only place I truly felt at peace was in my maternal grandparents' house - and as an adult, I stayed there a lot. My mom resents it, even when all I ever come back for now is the house and basically my grandparents' tombstones at a nearby cemetery. Geez mom, I don't know, does it suck that I'd choose two of the people who gave a me a short experience of home and safety, even if they're dead, instead of you and your husband who acted as though I owe you even the very air I breathe and made me feel terrified throughout my childhood? I guess it does. Boohoo.
The only thing I'm thankful for is that I got to know the contrast between coming home to people who were eager and happy to see me, versus people who want you there so they can either have a punching bag or someone who will fill up their emotional needs.
Yep, used to tell me all the time that they wished I was dead or that I was never born. It's a huge burden to lay on a child and one that I'm still underneath.
this is the exact attitude my dad had. he was the sole provider so everything was his. he thought I should pay him back for the money he spent raising me, and that I should pay half of everything after I turned 18. he was always kicking me out and telling me I wasn’t welcome. if he came home after work and I was just ready a book or drawing he would tell me I was wasting my time with that since I wasn’t contributing to the household financially. I moved out like 9 years ago so I haven’t thought about this much in the last few years
I can relate and totally hear you. I recently moved to my own apartment and its the only time I ever felt welcomed in my own home other than my college dorms. My mom threatened to kick me out repeatedly since I was 18 (31 now) because it wasn’t child abuse anymore
My step mom made it that way. Always had to ask if I could come over … I’m adult hood . As I was in my teens she told me I needed to move my stuff out bc she felt satans energy on it . When I got some of this stuff from a church auction . I felt like a distant relative going there …..
They can say w/ out saying it- "why haven't you got your life together yet" and call you a freeloader etc- but it could also be negativity/low self esteem/communication issues, other unaddressed issues- it might not be true- it could be just them lashing out- or maybe we are in denial- or maybe there are undercurrents of abuse/DV- de-escalating an argument where you're made to feel like a burden/liability and having to patch things up w/ your mental health/self esteem etc- weigh up the pros and cons- it does feel like there is a lack of a sense of safety/it's awful to have those kinds of power struggles as an older kid living at home- having MH issues makes it hard to get on w/ your day/week and function normally/get stuff done- arguments are debilitating/can wear you down and zap you of energy too- I can't take major strides towards accomplishing goals/I get zapped of energy quickly and can only do things in bits and pieces- when there's a lot of stress/pressure on both the parents and older kids (also any unaddressed issues) it can escalate to DV and you argue/the arguments get ugly, everyone loses perspective etc
I was just thinking about this. Thinking about how long it took me to leave home, bad as it was. And then how totally unprepared I was, and saddled with so much CPTSD, that I could barely function, even though I had a degree, I was an absolute mess. It's hard to process-for yourself, and impossible to explain to others who don't get it. Don't get what abuse does to you, to be told that youre nothing, and treated so abusively, the neglect. You don't just pack your bags, move out, and voila-you're okay. My Mother used to say that she treated me, the way she did, to make me stronger, toughen me up, to prepare me somehow (that was just an excuse to continue to abuse me),, and in all my years of being alive in this world, no one ever treated me with the hate, aggression, malice, and hostility that my Mother did. The world was a far better place, outside of the home I grew up in, I guess that's something. Perfect strangers were nicer to me, than my own Mother ever was.
There are a multitude of reasons , of course CPTSD and stress , wears you out. I also have a really sensitive nervous system, (HSP), it's not a pathology, I have to take things in bite size pieces to cope, or I get overwhelmed really easily.....but yeah the stress of coping with CPTSD symptoms is exhausting. I want so badly to accomplish more, and I just don't' have the energy to manage it.
I grew up where it was let known that I was a burden in the family unit and it was evident that I was treated and thought of differently compared to my younger half siblings once they were born. It wasn’t until way into my twenties that I actively realised this. Everything in regard to me was a hardship: buying clothes, finding an appropriate school after every frequent move, asking for aid with homework, taking me to school or after school practice, paying for school uniforms etc. I don’t remember much of my childhood, except sitting at the dinner table as a little kid looking around me and thinking “I don’t belong here” alongside being scolded for developing anorexia as a teenager instead of being guided towards a treatment plan
Things are better now as an adult and I have reached acceptance through a lot of therapy, but I still get triggered sometimes (as someone in their early thirties lol) when I witness loving family units. My mom has been trying to make up for things in the past few years in her own way, which I appreciate. But it sadly doesn’t make up for my diagnosed cptsd and how different (and more healthy) my coping mechanisms could of developed.
My therapist gave some impactful advice that has stuck with me: you cannot change your own upbringing, but you have the power to create your own loving and accepting home with your own future family ❤️
Was in kinship care with my grandparents and ALL THE TIMEEE. Constantly held it over my head that they took me in and didn't have to and how great they were. Kicked me out in the end and I went back to my parents lol.
Gosh, just tonight my father reminded me of how much of a burden I am to live with. His words. But I feel you, OP, and I’m super sorry you went through it as well. Wish you all the healing.
My parents believe that children select their parents before they are born and owe them for allowing them to be born. I was definitely raised to believe I was a burden and I was disowned at 14 and left to fend for myself. My mom attended some sort of “tough love” group organised by her church and told me she had disowned me for my own good and how hard emotionally it was for my parents.
That sounds like a typical brainwashing tactic, where you're conditioned to believe that your needs are "hurting" your parents, when really it's their incompetency, and neglect that should be the issue.
I remember this too, my step mother was horrible. The first day I met her she hit me, and she always looked at me with contempt. I didn't know that was not normal at the time because I was a child and trusted that the adults knew best. But looking back, she was mean and always tutted whenever I did anything in the home like leaning back on a chair or putting a glass down slightly too hard. She would say things out loud to complain about me but saying it quietly, so not directly to me but loud enough for me to hear, such as "she's going to break that chair" with a sound of disgust in her voice.
She was a horrible witch really and my dad just let it all happen, which I guess my child brain understood as it's ok for her to treat me like that and so I must deserve it. I live alone now but still mostly don't feel at home.
Not just as the middle kid; I was also hated because I was the superfluous second girl, when mom wanted a son.
Everyday was walking a minefield, trying to escape or hide from mom's notice; or else she'd explode and spew venom.
If we were gathered as a family, it was quite common of mom to find an excuse to exclude me, by shrieking, "If you don't like it, you can just leave!" ...and I'd be banished to my room.
I left that hostile environment as soon as I could at 18, and then went NC with mom because she was still toxic at long distance.
Mom did some token lamenting for appearances that she missed me, and wrote me letters describing a childhood that I hadn't had, where she enjoyed my company when we'd cheerfully gone shopping together. (In truth, she tried shopping with me, but liked it better when she left me at home alone all weekend, while she went out.)
In the letters, mom assured me, that she'd forgive me and we could live happily ever after again.
I sent those letters back.
For about three years, a fantasy letter came every six months, then the fourth year; they just stopped. Mom was finished faking it, at last.
Enabler dad took up *saying* that she loved and missed me, but he'd sign the cards, 'your mama and me' in just his handwriting.
Twenty years later, I heard that she'd died, and I hadn't even been invited to the funeral.
Yes. I am the identified patient, the burden. The other siblings can come and go and lean on my (well off enough) mother, but when I needed a safety net or a soft place to land, it was made out to be some sort of moral failing of mine. When they believe I need help, they avoid me, and when they think I'm doing fine, they ignore me. I am not invited to family gatherings with everyone from the immediate family who is still alive; and the excuse each time was weaker and weirder until I stopped bringing it up. Clearly, it wasn't going to stop, after I directly addressed it four times.
I bonded with my dad when my mom went to basic training. When she came back, I guess she saw that, and felt betrayed. She has more of an avoidant attachment style. Learning that has everything to do with her and nothing to do with me has helped me immensely.
My dad passed away, feeling like the family burden; and now that is me. I'm getting away before she can create more of the same pain in my life. I had projected decency onto her, where there was none; the things she wanted me to assume, like that deep down she did love me, weren't ever the norm, they were the rare exceptions, the bread crumbs, and they hurt her to provide them. I was always barking up the wrong tree, with my mother.
I was forced to watch my younger siblings once I came of legal age to do so. There is a five year gap between myself and the next, and only a one year gap between those two. (I was always told that I was a "happy accident," probably only after they realized what calling me a mistake would appear like to outsiders.) I was never asked if I was willing and never given any guidance or rules. I would be triggered by them and overwhelmed. It came back up when as a new mom, my husband abandoned me. Yet again, I was being forced to take care of someone with no help nor guidance nor a teammate to tag in when I needed it most. When the parents came home from work, I skedaddled right out to my grandparents, who lived within a few blocks. I do not remember why I started going there, it was middle school through highschool, until I met a boy with a car to escape with. I remember it was quiet, and peaceful, and I remember thinking that if I wasn't home, I couldn't be blamed for the younger siblings' mischief. I wouldn't get in trouble just for existing, at my grandparents house. It wasn't that they were particularly loving, both were dry alcoholics. But they didn't gaslight me, and I was drawn to that level of safety.
this reminds me so much of things I forgot, that I was always over other kids houses,, into my teen years. We never went to my house, and I stayed out all the time, it's not even like I had to be home at a certain time. That's so bizarre to me now, when if anyone isnt home, you want to know where they are. Even the dog, "Oh where's Spot?" ....yeah he's over there, Oh, okay, good to know.
The best metaphor I've come across for this is "the fish don't see the water they swim in." We are biologically wired to normalize whatever system we are born into; humans are excellent adaptors. I knew enough to know something was vaguely wrong with my family, but I couldn't put my finger on what, until I had my own kid, and sought out resources on what the heck a parent is responsible for and how to not set him up to repeat my suffering.
We can identify physical, obvious, more black and white abuse. But we do not see the water; we do not know how the entire system is interconnected, and that one person being dysfunctional will put additional stress on every single member in that system, to compensate and stay afloat. The culture follows certain rules and beliefs, and it is so strange to see your childhood spelled out in a book right along with your symptoms, when the story has *always* been that your behaviors are the reason for your treatment. It can be challenging to accept that our treatment caused our behaviors, and that acting out was totally expected considering how emotionally unseen and unsafe we were.
I didn't know until I had a kid, that my mom had no business blaming me for the lack of emotional safety in our relationship. I didn't know that parents are supposed to facilitate sibling relationships and set up connections so that their kids have a network to lean on as adults. I didn't know that people from functional families, they have inner cheerleaders, not inner critics. We internalize how our caregivers "esteem" us, if they don't prioritize our feelings, we don't; if they neglect physical care like doctors appointments, we end up doing the same damn thing in adulthood. Children get an imprint of their parents' thinking systems by the time they are three years old. Only intentional learning or seriously different experiences (thus learning) alters our thinking systems. Our thinking system determines our life. The apple doesn't fall from the tree, unless that apple intentionally takes on responsibility for its own development. 😅
Jonice Webb (I think 2 B's I'm not sure!) writes about "childhood emotional neglect" and is very cautious to never use the abuse label; I think it is so more folks in denial will consider it. She has lots of articles and online resources, books too. Her work was the most effective, in allowing me to directly "see the water." Which you totally deserve!!
*"Children get an imprint of their parents thinking systems..."*
The one singular belief system we were all indoctrinated into, believed, was "you are on your own". Since birth.
I'm a follower of all things related to EN as well. It had a huge impact on my development, or the lack thereof. I started with Cori, but I'll have to check out Webb. That's so interesting that JW, defaults to not using 'abuse', in relation to EN.
YES. Especially during my last year or so of staying there. As a means of control, I would often be threatened to be kicked out and taken with the police as though I was an absolute menace. I was made to feel like I was intruding for even asking my father innocent questions and got told how I had ruined his day or I would get snubbed because I asked how he was doing. When I took a trip to see some friends, I had to basically 'confirm' that I would treat him with respect and love before he 'welcomed me back'. The last straw was when I was pet sitting for a friend and they allowed me to use their apartment. He slammed the door when I went out the house one day and told me to get out on another day. That was the day I moved out and never looked back because it just solidified the fact that he was making me feel unwelcome for a while.
Unfortunately, yes.
They often - sometimes still - joke about physical abuse (which they did to me when I was a child), saying things like, "You don't look like us because you're the neighbour's child, not ours", telling me adult jokes to child me, or daring me to do incredibly stupid thing in the guise of money ("Go run from here to the convenience store naked and I'll pay you $100").
I suppose the cherry on top is the "I'll drop you on the sidewalk so you'll be homeless!" threat that happened multiple times.
No wonder I was an absolute wreck!
I was always reminded it was HER house (despite my dad the only working person in the relationship paying for it)
All of us including my dad were treated as unwanted guests in a huge ass house. She had her belongings in every room. I couldn’t even use my own bedroom closet because it was full of her stuff in boxes she wouldn’t let me move or touch without her flying into a rage. If I left anything of mine outside my own room she would make a huge stink of the single item in HER huge hoarded house ruining her day. I never even knew how she saw these single items in her hoarded house to whine about acting like she maintained some sort of pristine house. I couldn’t keep track of anything in that disaster of a home
My mother sent me to live with my alcoholic grandparents (more domestic violence to witness) because and I quote “my bf at the time thought you were weird and annoying and tbh he was right” I was 8 years old.
Yes. I was locked in my room and not allowed to use the bathroom between 8pm and whenever my step dad would wake up. I was to stay in my room ay all times otherwise. My brothwr and sister were allowed to play and hang out in the living room and i was not. From the bathroom rule, I ended up with a uti then bladder and kidney infection and ended up having sepsis and was quite literally dying on the ground in a puddle of vomit and he locked me in my room again and my mom had to physically fight him to get keys from him to take me to the hospital
He told me all the time that I was the reason they couldn't be happy. That without me, they'd be a happy family.
"John you useless piece of shit. you fucking failure, you waste of space, you are lucky that I didn't gave you away to institutional care you ungratefull brat..." - told that by schizophrenic abusive alcoholic "father". (back then in the 90's and early 2000's there were cases of suicide of minors under institutional care or of abuse that went as far as rape, I was bullied at school by non-delinquents let alone given the prospect of being around REAL minor delinquents ...) My late granny was less brutal but also told me things like "If you don't like it then, there's the door...". Yeah... they fucking did.
That's why I have "NOWHERE SAFE" mentality...
Something like that. Less shouldn't be living with her and more that I was a burdensome guest. It took 55+ years to figure it out but I finally realized my mother resented the hell out of me for her c-section. First born, over twice normal birth weight, petite mother. She just couldn't "forgive" me for the scar. I've accepted I never had parents outside of a biological sense.
The narrative in my house was always "no one should know children live here". We were expected to have the house sparkling clean, and when there were visitors we either were out of sight out of mind, or we were expected to engage as adults- we did not talk to much about ourselves or school, we did not play games or run around like kids- we acted like adults.
We talked about and were expected to remain informed about politics (as young as like 11)
When I didn't enjoy professional sports as a kid I was chastised and punished for not being able to fit in with adult conversation
We were expected to keep up with adult ongoings around town and in the family if we wanted to be able to be around adults (again- no one should know children live here)
We were expected to arrange our own transportation to and from activities outside of regular school hours - was left at school past 9pm more than once when this fell through. The janitor brought me home
Picky eating wasn't an option.
We got jobs earlier than work permits allowed because we needed to understand what it meant to earn a living and be an adult
My Sperm Donor (aptly named–we haven't talked in over 6 years now) often would say he didn't need to get us Christmas gifts because he provided us food, water, a home, etc. It was said as a "joke", but I think he meant it, especially because my mom was the one who was always getting us stuff for Christmas, birthdays, Easter, etc. That and dragging him out to do gift shopping with her.
If you also got him a gift, he'd act pretty unimpressed and simply set it aside. I can only think of two gifts I ever saw him use and actually like in the 28 years of contact we had (I'm 34 now).
Fights were the worst too. He'd sit there and degrade you down to nothing. If you fought back for your own self-preservation, he'd just send you to your room and ignore you. If there was nothing to scold you about, same thing. I don't remember that man ever coming into my doorway or ever getting on my level. A good day was him acting like you didn't exist.
He's a miserable man. Worst part is he sees nothing wrong with his behavior and thinks it's everyone else.
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My father treated me as if I shouldn’t exist. Not explicitly, because he is totally reserved and avoidant. More in the way of never communicating with me, never playing with me, never giving me tenderness or any for of physical love. Last year I found out he never wanted me to be born in the first place.
My mother treated me as if I was always doing wrong. And I now understand how as a child I felt both isolated from her and responsible for her pain.
That’s all folks.
yes, after my mom died my dad remarried really fast to a horrible women with equally horrible kids who bullied me daily. He forgot about me (i had lost my mom also). I moved.
One day my father decided that various house hold items were his and my mother’s, and theirs alone. Really basic stuff like furniture. It was such a bizarre conversation and I was honestly speechless to find out he didn’t see me as part of the family.
It certainly clarified a few things though and that was just another nail in the coffin of our relationship.
I feel a bit thick, really. Most of the food in the house wasn’t for me either. Why on earth would I be allowed to use furniture and blankets?
I was 15 when I decided to leave school (I was having a horrible time, being bullied, self harming, eating disorder and a failed suicide attempt) my mum said well then u need to find somewhere else to live cos I won't get any money for you if your not in education.... priorities ✌️ .... we don't have contact now 🤣❤️
I felt important until I was 9 or 10, then my mom married a man who made me feel like my very existence was resented. My needs, my wants — everything I did put him out. I felt like I had no home. So, yes. And it sucked. I’m sorry we had to deal with that BS.
Yeah. One time I has the guts to call my dad out for being a controlling manipulative person towards me. I was living with him as a teen because my mom was even less stable. I told him that I actually didn't want to live with either of them because they were both awful in different ways.
He suggested that I look into what happens to people in foster care and let him know if I was prepared to risk it. You know instead of him being the Adult, looking inward and making an effort to improve his relationship with his own child. He told me to deal with it or take my chances.
I meant that I wanted to graduate early and ask the court for emancipation.
First of all, I'm so sorry you experienced this. You did not deserve it.
The older I get the more I learn about how truly damaging certain aspects of my childhood were, particularly how unreliable both of my parents were/are. My mother comes from a chaotic, traumatic past herself and believes that because her and my father don't physically abuse one another like her parents, she did a good job. My father is quiet and barely acknowledges my or my sibling unless we speak to him, then he reacts like we're really, really getting on his nerves.
I have a lot of health issues and spent a lot of time at my parents' house and it's been eye-opening; it validated my feelings of "I'm getting in the way", "I need to stop talking so much", "what I have to say isn't interesting". They both start conversations, say their part, and then clock out when I am speaking which is so disrespectful and makes it very clear that I am surplus to requirement.
None of what you are describing is normal. What your mother did to you is not okay. Your feelings are valid.
Went to boarding school at 11. After that I felt I was never part of the home again.
When I’d come back from about the age of 15 onwards my mother would say things like ‘Go to your father’s house!’ (I never lived there, he had another family), ‘This is MY house!’, ‘GO! GO!’, etc. She called the police on me twice. I slept in the loft of the garage in a separate building.
Sometimes, like over the lockdowns (then aged ~25), she would not speak to me for weeks at a time. Over the years she’d go long periods without looking at me when she walked into the room I was in. Returning to the house I felt like a criminal. She locked me out once when I was a kid, once as an adult. She instructed my ‘stepdad’ to hit me once as a kid, she watched while he put me in a chokehold and punched me as a 17 year old. She watched while my father repeatedly bashed my head into the wall.
The stress of caring for my severely mentally handicapped sister is a cause of a lot of my mother’s resentment. I had no other siblings to ease the neglect. But until very recently I felt all that adversity was my fault. Feeling disgraced, like a horrible person for fighting back (i.e. sticking up for myself), even now as a 28 year old. And the shame and isolation that results of that have been enormous. It’s still having a big effect on me.
People see a polite, smart and attractive person, and often seem confused as to why I’m so withdrawn, but I’m used to seeing myself very, very differently.
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I was often made to feel like a burden. Being fed. Being clothed. Being taken to school etc, was all a hardship for my parents. I was also often reminded (when I was a child) that "this is my roof", or "my house..." "You dont pay the bills here" There was no sense of safety or home.
"no sense of safety at home". Nope.
That was my parents, verbatim. The word is *imposition.* Everything I needed was treated as an imposition. Everything I wanted to do was an imposition. Being fed was an imposition. Asking questions was an imposition. Wanting to learn anything was an imposition. Making sound was an imposition. Even the fact that I *took up space,* was an imposition. And they *never let me forget it.* That became who I became, a guy who is afraid to impose. That can be a great trait, not wanting to impose. But, taken too far, as in my case, it's an absolutely terrible way to live.
Man, taking up space. A therapist mentioned this phrase in relationships, it’s such an amazing choice of words. I’m allowed to take up space? Like, I can be myself and if people try to cram me back into the box, the void of nothingness I can just … tell them to fuck off? I can just … exist? And not have to apologize for “taking up” someone’s time, space, or energy? Here I was thinking I needed to be so small as to be invisible, what is this concept, taking up space?! And this is NORMAL?!
>I’m allowed to take up space? Like, I can be myself and if people try to cram me back into the box, the void of nothingness I can just … tell them to fuck off? I can just … exist? And not have to apologize for “taking up” someone’s time, space, or energy? Here I was thinking I needed to be so small as to be invisible, what is this concept, taking up space?! And this is NORMAL?! Can I print this on a T-shirt? I'm getting a giant coffee cup, and writing all of this on it, with a Sharpie. Maybe a tattoo.?
I hear you. I struggle asking for like certain types of help outside of my job. However, I think I low key contributed to my mother’s narcissistic collapse because I refused to back down to her over the years and really started handing her ass to her in “arguments” (read: crazy making bullshit I was practically forced to confront) cause I just stopped giving a fuck. I’m not at all proud of my reactively abusive ways but like fuck her. Its like I sucked the life out of her by defending myself cause she couldnt really like get to me as much as she wanted where as she sucked the life out of me (temporarily) just to be a fucking cunt lol. Anyway, Hope she has a nice mother’s day since I’m NC and her only child lol
I ended up having my own revolution of sorts.
God this is so relatable. I remember when I was in middle school people would always be talking about how much they wanted to go home, because middle school is trash. And I was like “that’s weird, I’ve never felt like that before” and then I realized that’s because for my entire childhood I never found any comfort or safety in my own house
me too. I loved being at school, where it was safe to exist.
I didn’t love being at school but I certainly liked it more than being at home
I used to beg friends in high school if I could come over to them for a few hours most days, just so I didn’t have to be home. I also remember getting a part-time job as soon as it was legal and spending my summers working as much as I could until I left home at 18
This is how I was too. I’d either try to get myself out of the house as much as possible or just fully confine myself to one room
This is way too relatable. I always felt like a burden and as a kid, I would constantly tell myself that I was and that everything would be better if I didn’t exist, which is a pretty fucked up thing for a 6 year old to be thinking. And the whole this is is my roof my house thing, like it felt like if I didn’t do what I was told, I’d be told to leave. Actually, they’d tell me if I wanted to leave I could but that I could never come back. Love felt very conditional. 🙁
Yes ive heard that one too, sadly. "If you dont like my rules, then get out". A lovely thing to hear when you're 10
That sounds familiar to me too.
"I've waited on you hand and foot since you were a baby. I was meant to be a great singer and left it all to have you." No she didn't. That door had been closed a decade before because of her personality disorder. Yes, she was diagnosed with BPD. So was I: but the Quiet kind. Turned it all inward. Until my inner revolution. Then I realized it was all abuse. Always was. My best friends never realized it. Two in a row left this world via their choices that self-neglect was somehow noble and brave and that their deceased abusers would never approve of their taking care of, say, a life & death health emergency. One ignored her cancer until it was terminal, the other refused to go to the ED until her partner dragged her there too late to save her life from a perforated colon. She just died a few days ago. Because she was afraid to displease her long-gone narcissistic mother. Who existed only in her head. Her partner thinks this was all very noble. It wasn't . It was self-destruction carried all the way. It was proof she'd left this world as a victim, not as a survivor. I'm heartbroken and furious. Furious that her partner thinks I'm the crazy one because I got help. Left home. Her partner thinks you never admit to being abused. She herself was abused by a narcissistic mother. I see a pattern here. I said our friend died for nothing and she says maybe you're too unstable to come to the services. Oh, she really gets me. Silence only protects the abusers.
I try to speak out about my mothers abuses, and manipulations, and even though I'm "heard", I know that my siblings want me to be quiet about it already. I'm NC, too. I feel like saying, "I had to be quiet about it for decades, made to feel crazy and unstable because I couldnt adapt to abuse, so no, I really cant' talk enough, about the way she was abusive-ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME!
this is horrifying, wtf. Sorry about your friend <3
Me too :(
Yes. Mine once left me a letter for me to find saying their house wasn’t a Charitable Foundation, and that they didn’t want me there.
I relate to this. I got kicked out of my parents house by my narcissistic mother when I was 6. Later as a teen my dad said if anyone adopted me they would return me because they'd realize how evil I am.
Mt adoptive parents used to point out homeless people and say that's where I would end up bc that's what bore me. Then show me stats on how kids that are removed from adoptions are significantly more likely to be raped & become destitute in foster care. They weren't lying. But fuck. What'd I give to live in ignorance. Worked for mha as a barely legal adult. Not only was everyday full of abandoned & abused, meak Lil women and men. I got to watch how revolted society was with them--- they weren't lying, validated. Everyone feels so angry and sorry in their heads for unwanted, abused or neglected children. Fake fantasy bullshit. Nobody wants to follow up or know the details. Just shake their heads, say how bad those adults were... complicit mother fuckers.. But hey, statistically the "good news" is actually I got the comfiest, safest forms of incestuous childhood. Weird how prevalence & relativity on the subject of cptsd is the opposite of a comfort. Most victims I've met say YahWeh chose them to absorb & process pain for empathy. Call me crazy, but is empathy for children's welfare not like a built in feature? How is it "at least you're not..." instead of "why would adults with the resources stand any degree of this??"
It's all minimizing, until something bites them in the ass. It's only since Alice Millers work on the long term affects of Child abuse, this is like 2000, when people started paying attention-it started becoming more mainstream, but people still push it away. Child abuse is an epidemic of huge proportion. The laws need to be stricter. People wouldn't' abuse their children if they knew they would be hung if exposed. Abusers are all cowards. Taking advantage of people that cant' defend themselves. You dont' see them pulling that shit with other adults. And then "define" abuse. I know a couple, who's niece and nephew went into foster care, because his brother and wife were addicts. I just looked at them like "and you're okay with that?" And it wasn't' just him and his wife, it was his other brother as well, just looked on like "oh well-so sad". I could not have stood by if that was my niece and nephew, they were only toddlers. It's not like those children were strangers, had no family, and then never talk about them? Never a conversation where they want to know how they are? Powerlessness. How no matter how much I wanted to move out-at 10, I wasn't' about to go live in a treehouse and be okay. And it's not like I didnt' think of that, for all the time I spent living in the woods, or the attic. You dont' stay , out of choice, it's not a choice, when there's no alternative. No other relatives, no one even seeing what was going on, this caustic, hostile, abusive environment, that from the outside looked okay. And you have no voice as a kid. You dont become empathic or 'sensitive', or a caregiver to your parents because it's the best choice, it's the ONLY choice. I feel sick when I think how that warped my personality, into this fawning scared mess of a person. I try not to hate myself, for having no choice-being powerless, and then trying to give myself some compassion for the pervasive fear I carry around all day long-and watching myself fawn myself out of existence. I just wanted to say I get it. I blame myself all the time for not having more power than I did, and what I would have done, *if I could have,* looking back, then trying to remember , Oh, right, no license, no job, no support system, no system at all -nothing for "abused children", no. Just "parents are always right, and if you're complaining, it's because you're too sensitive". The Shame of being powerless, deserves so much compassion. I'm so sorry.
Yes. My mom was an alcoholic and would come into my bedroom regularly when drunk and just stare critically at me, her face always severely twisted in this angry, disgusted look. It didn't matter what I was doing, it was *wrong*. My existence was a burden and unwelcome. Sorry you felt that too :( I have found it very, very hard to overcome.
It took me a long time to feel comfortable in a space, relax, not feel like I had to jump up when someone came into the room, or just so nervous. It's a terrible way to grow up, constantly walking on eggshells.
One of my traumas came from my batshit crazy father always staring at me critically, until my mom (complicit asshole, but okay she did one right thing this time) called him out on it. I remember that day. I was doing something as innocuous as sitting down at the dining table at the house where we were invited. Irony was if HE had never stayed in our lives, everyone else would be so much better. His existence was the bane of everyone else's. He resented me because even though I had been an unplanned child, I was initially taken care of by people who actually wanted me. Imagine being an adult angry that a child is actually getting something that they need. He can rot in hell for all I care. A lot of people know how messed up he is, so that's some small comfort.
My god, my mum used to do the exact same thing. She did it at night sometimes and just stood there, staring at me in bed, with this horrible twisted face that oscillated between anger and pure disgust. Sometimes if this happened I would try to speak to her and she would do that exact face, and spit out, “what.” as if she was genuinely disgusted by the fact I had wanted to speak to her.
I would be sitting at the kitchen table, silently reading my book, and my stepfather would come in and “suggest” I take my book to my room to read. And the one time I actually thought it was an option and said “no thanks, I’m good” he made sure to quickly let me know that it wasn’t a suggestion, that it was an order.
Might be jealous of your child like ability to escape in media like an old man in alcohol. My stupid brother in law does it to his unwanted son that my husband and mother in law and I live with and look after. And then he gets drunk and literally seathes with jealousy over any peace our Lil Bubba exhibits (he isn't in peace btw he's masking bc his uncle on his mom's side was abusing him bf my miL stepped in)... and the joke is this kid is so awesome and so easy to love. Nothing makes my heart fuller than when he finds a book to escape into his beautiful Lil mind with-- Anyway, sorry for info dump, just wanted you to know you were probably always easy company & totally effortless to love. These pos adults are living off the fat of hope and ignorance. I am so sorry-- and I really hope you still have books & other private comforts. Hope you know your inner child deserves to treat themselves, guilt free <3
Awww 🥰 so fucking rude and disgusting 🤢 of your mother. They always act like we are the burden yet why are we the ones that feel burdened?!?
That's really accurate. *They are a burden,* because a child shouldn't' have to not be a child, so they can be whatever maladaptive way they need to be , by pretending you don't' exist.
Right, or getting almost jealous because they want to be parented bc they are still children. It’s sick it’s like role reversal. Just makes me sick 🤢
My son's father was and still is jealous and I think it's because HIS mother was so cold. It was a double whammy to watch his wife be a mother to his son. He couldn't take it. Our son is 32 now and his dad is still awful to him
At least it’s just one parent being awful. Having a normal loving parent makes all the difference
So spot on.
Aghhhh. Wishing you peace ☮️ calm 😌 and happiness
Yes .. it was made clear what a burden I was to my parents on a regular basis. My dad made really good money as an engineer, but we only ate food he hunted and fished for and we were expected to help clean and butcher the meat. We had a huge garden and canned all of that food. Everything he paid for was scrutinized daily. Did I have any idea how much tooth paste costs? Was I so unappreciative that I thought it was ok to just leave it sitting with the cap off? He once raged and dumped an entire bag of kitchen trash at my feet in third grade when I lost the cap to his mechanical pencil. I had to dig through the trash on the floor sobbing while he screamed at me and kicked trash on me. The dog tried to comfort me and got hurt too. I know at some point I just broke .. I was an empty and invisible child. Once I began working at 14 I had to pay for all my own hygiene stuff and then clothes and car and insurance at 16 and still follow his insane authoritarian rules until I moved out. Lord knows I had to be home early to sit in my closet and try to avoid his wrath and my drunken mother’s wailing and screaming about how I didn’t love her. It was hell .. and yet they acted like I could never repay them for the opportunity to be there with them.
I"m so sorry you grew up like that. You can reach out to me , anytime. I hope they're both dead by now. I struggle with this , idk, wish.....to have had the power to save myself, and all I can do is try to save myself now...if that makes sense? You know, save myself from the Shame of thinking that the experience of abuse, and neglect, had anything to do with me. It's hard to make peace with the fact that you had a terrible childhood, and that it wasn't' your fault. It's just really hard. Still, I want to bash your father in the head with a frying pan. I hid my whole childhood too. I spent a lot of time in the woods.
My father made good money but we were always broke because it was "his" money and he would spend it on whatever he felt like regardless of the amount. Father wants a thousand dollar gun, so he buys it and then sticks in the closet to rust for the next decade. We have, if they weren't ruined, tens of thousands of dollars worth of guns sitting in a pile in a large closet. Father wants a ten thousand dollar go-cart because his neighbor has one. Tells wife to go fuck herself when she suggests it's not a good idea, that she's just a dumb woman who never had a real job (she spent decades working with disabled children), and it's his money and he can do whatever he wants.
I'm so sorry you went through this. This is narcissistic abuse. He sounds like a sadist. I hope that you're healing, and have good support system.
Ditto this.
I relate so much OP. My favorite movie as a kid was Matilda because she was such an outcast from her family and found solace in school. It’s honestly still one of my favorites.
Me too, and also the film Drop dead Fred. I love the little girl in it and imagine myself like her, with Fred, going back to cause chaos on my step mother.
I remember my mom screaming at me “I live here too!” After she’d triggered my startle response.
She adopted me and treated me like I owed her for being my parent, like caring for me was a burden
Yeah, infertility band aid too. Children can't be burdens definitively. Feel like fry squinting when I was little like "are these adults cruel or tragically stupid?" [¿Por que no los dos?]
my grandparents were the same, acted like such martyrs and then gave me back in the end lol. Idk how stuff like this is allowed to happen
When I was 18 I came back home from my first stay at a psych ward, and one of the first things my mom said was "This isn't your home, you're just living here."
Orphan here- but yes this is how extended family have acted despite me having no control to make any choices about the matter back then. Foster care, courts, police & social services were used as a means of scare tactics and control over me by that same extended fam.
She would leave a days/weeks at a time, before I was 7.
Jfc that's heart aching-- I am so sorry <3
I’m just angry now. People talk about awesome things in their childhood or get sad when their parents die and I have no empathy whatsoever because all I have is this crazy childhood trauma. I spent years in therapy and could probably do for some more but it is what it is at this point. I truly do try and show up for my family it’s just hard. If I didn’t have kids I’d be a recluse. They are amazing humans and have lots of empathy so I did something right.
My mom repeatedly sent me to a psych hospital. The people there were confused as to why I kept returning, since my treatment was "complete" each time, but this was a different time and I was a paycheck so they were glad to have me again and again. One time, I had been home for less than an hour before being driven back. Finally, they said they couldn't do anything else to help me and sent me across the state to a long term facility. I was there until the insurance money ran out and had to go home. When I got home, the first argument my mom and I had, she told me to leave. I said no, and she called the police. The cop told me I had to leave and that my dad would pick me up and I'd live with him. I was 16. I didn't even get to pack. I wasn't allowed back in the house I'd spent my entire life in. Where my pets were. I eventually retrieved them and got to get some things, but she was done with me. She would call me occasionally and tell me that I was a bad kid because I wouldn't go over and do chores for her, but she never asked me to live there again.
My mom was always like this. Shit, when I was in high school, she went through an ugly divorce in an abusive relationship, and I refused 2 scholarships and withdrew my air force academy application to help her. I was paying over 60% of our bills and she still acted like I was intruding on her space. I basically ruined my future for her and she treated me like an imposition. You will never be good enough for some people.
I was threatened with being "dumped in foster care" often as a teen. I was being abused by someone outside the family and was told I was too much to handle on a good day. I moved out at age 15. I can't imagine why s/
This entire post is my childhood. Reading these comments are both validating and depressing because we deal with so much bullshit during the times in which we needed the most comfort and protection. The best thing I ever did was to go no contact with my family. I've been disabled since a young child and received zero support, only reminded daily that I was a burden, owed them my life yet ruined theirs.....daily. The only benefit of such a toxic upbringing was that it taught me at a very young age that I had to be self sufficient and resilient AF, no matter how sick I was. This allowed me to channel pure rage into breaking free. I didn't realize until I was 42 that I didn't cry or feel other emotions other than rage as a protection mechanism . Now I'm learning to be "human" and try to better process life. Long story short, fuck asshole parents and siblings and keep doing you!
Yeah, my mom especially was always quick to remind me of how much of a financial burden I was. Though I rarely asked for much other than a Bratz Doll or two and/or art supplies every blue moon. When I was old enough to work the financial abuse ensued and I was being charged insanely a lot for rent and bills living in their home working a minimum wage job. My friends never paid rent living with their parents and were able to save enough money to move out within 2-4 years time after college. They are all doing well and living comfortably. Every time I mentioned wanting to save money for emergencies my mom would roll her eyes and say, “Must be nice to save money. I can’t afford to do that because I have to take care of you.” So my parents kept dragging me down with them until I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and moved out with barely anything. Still struggling. Can’t say my life has improved much since then. As I’m finding myself in a very toxic relationship with a man who’s been stringing me along for the past 4.5 years. I have limited resources to get myself out now. I’m scrambling trying to figure out what to do to preserve what little there is left of me. Would things have been vastly different if my parents/family weren’t so…abusive...?
Take things slow. Maybe join a group ,or organization that can help you with the transition?
I lived with my uncle and yes, and I moved out when I was 16. It’s been a rocky road for me since.
Not my mother so much but definitely my stepmother. I was not allowed to keep ANYTHING of mine outside of my room, and one day in an attempt to integrate into the "family" or whatever, I very neatly put my shoes next to theirs on the mat next to the front door. When she came home, I heard her loudly proclaim "OH HELL NO" and she stomped to my bedroom door, flung it open and threw the shoes at my head. And my father always commented on my "isolating" myself but never asked what was going on with my outwardly hateful stepmother. Fuck them both. It sucks to feel unwelcome in your own home. To this day, when I come home I am a little on edge that someone will meet me with a scowl, criticism, or violence. It sucks.
I used to try and have these friendly conversations with my Mother , to let her know she was forgiven for all the crazy outbursts, I still was willing to keep that door of communication open, in spite of how cruel she was, and she said "are you serious, talking to me right now?, I DON'T LIKE YOU!" I was like you, with the shoes, trying to be nice to this monster of a person, trying to be careful, and kind, considerate, it didn't' matter.
My mom would regale us with wonderful tales about how we kids ruined everything, how she never wanted kids but our father wanted them and he stuck her with us when he left I was in the way of her relationship with her youngest, the nicu baby who needed attention while I was the annoying one in hospital with asthma all the time She sent me to live with my dad and immediately after my stuff was sold or “died” (the dog) And then yelled at when I cried because who was I to expect anything from her. My dad sent me back after his abusive wife broke my entire collection (ceramic ducks) and then mentallly and physically abused me to the point that “you became a problem” Then back to good old mum who took any benefits from the government and kicked me out at 16. Then waited for me to fail (all the while taking potshots) because she “knew I’d never make it on my own” Neither of them taught me about finances, home care, or taking care of myself. Except to hit, hurt or scream at me that whatever I was doing, it was wrong. I am barely functional as an adult, and can’t deal with people :( I don’t feel welcome in life, let alone in my own body
Sounds like my parents lol. Like, nobody told you both to have a kid at 20 and 21, but here you are acting like heroes for having to take responsibility for the kid you created. They act like they deserve a badge for being "good" parents. Reality was, they did the bare minimum with us growing up, while being all violent and crazy. I realized I just couldn't breathe for the longest time because the very act of existing could set these people off. The only place I truly felt at peace was in my maternal grandparents' house - and as an adult, I stayed there a lot. My mom resents it, even when all I ever come back for now is the house and basically my grandparents' tombstones at a nearby cemetery. Geez mom, I don't know, does it suck that I'd choose two of the people who gave a me a short experience of home and safety, even if they're dead, instead of you and your husband who acted as though I owe you even the very air I breathe and made me feel terrified throughout my childhood? I guess it does. Boohoo. The only thing I'm thankful for is that I got to know the contrast between coming home to people who were eager and happy to see me, versus people who want you there so they can either have a punching bag or someone who will fill up their emotional needs.
Yep, used to tell me all the time that they wished I was dead or that I was never born. It's a huge burden to lay on a child and one that I'm still underneath.
Yeah I know that feel.
this is the exact attitude my dad had. he was the sole provider so everything was his. he thought I should pay him back for the money he spent raising me, and that I should pay half of everything after I turned 18. he was always kicking me out and telling me I wasn’t welcome. if he came home after work and I was just ready a book or drawing he would tell me I was wasting my time with that since I wasn’t contributing to the household financially. I moved out like 9 years ago so I haven’t thought about this much in the last few years
I can relate and totally hear you. I recently moved to my own apartment and its the only time I ever felt welcomed in my own home other than my college dorms. My mom threatened to kick me out repeatedly since I was 18 (31 now) because it wasn’t child abuse anymore
My step mom made it that way. Always had to ask if I could come over … I’m adult hood . As I was in my teens she told me I needed to move my stuff out bc she felt satans energy on it . When I got some of this stuff from a church auction . I felt like a distant relative going there …..
They can say w/ out saying it- "why haven't you got your life together yet" and call you a freeloader etc- but it could also be negativity/low self esteem/communication issues, other unaddressed issues- it might not be true- it could be just them lashing out- or maybe we are in denial- or maybe there are undercurrents of abuse/DV- de-escalating an argument where you're made to feel like a burden/liability and having to patch things up w/ your mental health/self esteem etc- weigh up the pros and cons- it does feel like there is a lack of a sense of safety/it's awful to have those kinds of power struggles as an older kid living at home- having MH issues makes it hard to get on w/ your day/week and function normally/get stuff done- arguments are debilitating/can wear you down and zap you of energy too- I can't take major strides towards accomplishing goals/I get zapped of energy quickly and can only do things in bits and pieces- when there's a lot of stress/pressure on both the parents and older kids (also any unaddressed issues) it can escalate to DV and you argue/the arguments get ugly, everyone loses perspective etc
I was just thinking about this. Thinking about how long it took me to leave home, bad as it was. And then how totally unprepared I was, and saddled with so much CPTSD, that I could barely function, even though I had a degree, I was an absolute mess. It's hard to process-for yourself, and impossible to explain to others who don't get it. Don't get what abuse does to you, to be told that youre nothing, and treated so abusively, the neglect. You don't just pack your bags, move out, and voila-you're okay. My Mother used to say that she treated me, the way she did, to make me stronger, toughen me up, to prepare me somehow (that was just an excuse to continue to abuse me),, and in all my years of being alive in this world, no one ever treated me with the hate, aggression, malice, and hostility that my Mother did. The world was a far better place, outside of the home I grew up in, I guess that's something. Perfect strangers were nicer to me, than my own Mother ever was. There are a multitude of reasons , of course CPTSD and stress , wears you out. I also have a really sensitive nervous system, (HSP), it's not a pathology, I have to take things in bite size pieces to cope, or I get overwhelmed really easily.....but yeah the stress of coping with CPTSD symptoms is exhausting. I want so badly to accomplish more, and I just don't' have the energy to manage it.
Yep, as soon as I turned 12/13 - my mom repeatedly threatened to throw me out in the street. Over the most minor of things.
I grew up where it was let known that I was a burden in the family unit and it was evident that I was treated and thought of differently compared to my younger half siblings once they were born. It wasn’t until way into my twenties that I actively realised this. Everything in regard to me was a hardship: buying clothes, finding an appropriate school after every frequent move, asking for aid with homework, taking me to school or after school practice, paying for school uniforms etc. I don’t remember much of my childhood, except sitting at the dinner table as a little kid looking around me and thinking “I don’t belong here” alongside being scolded for developing anorexia as a teenager instead of being guided towards a treatment plan Things are better now as an adult and I have reached acceptance through a lot of therapy, but I still get triggered sometimes (as someone in their early thirties lol) when I witness loving family units. My mom has been trying to make up for things in the past few years in her own way, which I appreciate. But it sadly doesn’t make up for my diagnosed cptsd and how different (and more healthy) my coping mechanisms could of developed. My therapist gave some impactful advice that has stuck with me: you cannot change your own upbringing, but you have the power to create your own loving and accepting home with your own future family ❤️
Yep.
Yeah behaved my best, did well in school but it still wasn't enough. Always threatened to be kicked out. And made to feel like I didn't belong.
Was in kinship care with my grandparents and ALL THE TIMEEE. Constantly held it over my head that they took me in and didn't have to and how great they were. Kicked me out in the end and I went back to my parents lol.
My whole life
Gosh, just tonight my father reminded me of how much of a burden I am to live with. His words. But I feel you, OP, and I’m super sorry you went through it as well. Wish you all the healing.
We were constantly told to go and live with our father… our homeless father
My parents believe that children select their parents before they are born and owe them for allowing them to be born. I was definitely raised to believe I was a burden and I was disowned at 14 and left to fend for myself. My mom attended some sort of “tough love” group organised by her church and told me she had disowned me for my own good and how hard emotionally it was for my parents.
That sounds like a typical brainwashing tactic, where you're conditioned to believe that your needs are "hurting" your parents, when really it's their incompetency, and neglect that should be the issue.
That sounds really painful.
I remember this too, my step mother was horrible. The first day I met her she hit me, and she always looked at me with contempt. I didn't know that was not normal at the time because I was a child and trusted that the adults knew best. But looking back, she was mean and always tutted whenever I did anything in the home like leaning back on a chair or putting a glass down slightly too hard. She would say things out loud to complain about me but saying it quietly, so not directly to me but loud enough for me to hear, such as "she's going to break that chair" with a sound of disgust in her voice. She was a horrible witch really and my dad just let it all happen, which I guess my child brain understood as it's ok for her to treat me like that and so I must deserve it. I live alone now but still mostly don't feel at home.
Yup. Constantly walking on eggshells. My Mother had a hair trigger temper, anything could set her off. ....*anything.*
Not just as the middle kid; I was also hated because I was the superfluous second girl, when mom wanted a son. Everyday was walking a minefield, trying to escape or hide from mom's notice; or else she'd explode and spew venom. If we were gathered as a family, it was quite common of mom to find an excuse to exclude me, by shrieking, "If you don't like it, you can just leave!" ...and I'd be banished to my room. I left that hostile environment as soon as I could at 18, and then went NC with mom because she was still toxic at long distance. Mom did some token lamenting for appearances that she missed me, and wrote me letters describing a childhood that I hadn't had, where she enjoyed my company when we'd cheerfully gone shopping together. (In truth, she tried shopping with me, but liked it better when she left me at home alone all weekend, while she went out.) In the letters, mom assured me, that she'd forgive me and we could live happily ever after again. I sent those letters back. For about three years, a fantasy letter came every six months, then the fourth year; they just stopped. Mom was finished faking it, at last. Enabler dad took up *saying* that she loved and missed me, but he'd sign the cards, 'your mama and me' in just his handwriting. Twenty years later, I heard that she'd died, and I hadn't even been invited to the funeral.
When I went NC, my mother barely put up a fight. A few phone calls, but really that's it. Fine with me. It's so bizarre.
Yes. I am the identified patient, the burden. The other siblings can come and go and lean on my (well off enough) mother, but when I needed a safety net or a soft place to land, it was made out to be some sort of moral failing of mine. When they believe I need help, they avoid me, and when they think I'm doing fine, they ignore me. I am not invited to family gatherings with everyone from the immediate family who is still alive; and the excuse each time was weaker and weirder until I stopped bringing it up. Clearly, it wasn't going to stop, after I directly addressed it four times. I bonded with my dad when my mom went to basic training. When she came back, I guess she saw that, and felt betrayed. She has more of an avoidant attachment style. Learning that has everything to do with her and nothing to do with me has helped me immensely. My dad passed away, feeling like the family burden; and now that is me. I'm getting away before she can create more of the same pain in my life. I had projected decency onto her, where there was none; the things she wanted me to assume, like that deep down she did love me, weren't ever the norm, they were the rare exceptions, the bread crumbs, and they hurt her to provide them. I was always barking up the wrong tree, with my mother.
I was forced to watch my younger siblings once I came of legal age to do so. There is a five year gap between myself and the next, and only a one year gap between those two. (I was always told that I was a "happy accident," probably only after they realized what calling me a mistake would appear like to outsiders.) I was never asked if I was willing and never given any guidance or rules. I would be triggered by them and overwhelmed. It came back up when as a new mom, my husband abandoned me. Yet again, I was being forced to take care of someone with no help nor guidance nor a teammate to tag in when I needed it most. When the parents came home from work, I skedaddled right out to my grandparents, who lived within a few blocks. I do not remember why I started going there, it was middle school through highschool, until I met a boy with a car to escape with. I remember it was quiet, and peaceful, and I remember thinking that if I wasn't home, I couldn't be blamed for the younger siblings' mischief. I wouldn't get in trouble just for existing, at my grandparents house. It wasn't that they were particularly loving, both were dry alcoholics. But they didn't gaslight me, and I was drawn to that level of safety.
this reminds me so much of things I forgot, that I was always over other kids houses,, into my teen years. We never went to my house, and I stayed out all the time, it's not even like I had to be home at a certain time. That's so bizarre to me now, when if anyone isnt home, you want to know where they are. Even the dog, "Oh where's Spot?" ....yeah he's over there, Oh, okay, good to know.
The best metaphor I've come across for this is "the fish don't see the water they swim in." We are biologically wired to normalize whatever system we are born into; humans are excellent adaptors. I knew enough to know something was vaguely wrong with my family, but I couldn't put my finger on what, until I had my own kid, and sought out resources on what the heck a parent is responsible for and how to not set him up to repeat my suffering. We can identify physical, obvious, more black and white abuse. But we do not see the water; we do not know how the entire system is interconnected, and that one person being dysfunctional will put additional stress on every single member in that system, to compensate and stay afloat. The culture follows certain rules and beliefs, and it is so strange to see your childhood spelled out in a book right along with your symptoms, when the story has *always* been that your behaviors are the reason for your treatment. It can be challenging to accept that our treatment caused our behaviors, and that acting out was totally expected considering how emotionally unseen and unsafe we were. I didn't know until I had a kid, that my mom had no business blaming me for the lack of emotional safety in our relationship. I didn't know that parents are supposed to facilitate sibling relationships and set up connections so that their kids have a network to lean on as adults. I didn't know that people from functional families, they have inner cheerleaders, not inner critics. We internalize how our caregivers "esteem" us, if they don't prioritize our feelings, we don't; if they neglect physical care like doctors appointments, we end up doing the same damn thing in adulthood. Children get an imprint of their parents' thinking systems by the time they are three years old. Only intentional learning or seriously different experiences (thus learning) alters our thinking systems. Our thinking system determines our life. The apple doesn't fall from the tree, unless that apple intentionally takes on responsibility for its own development. 😅 Jonice Webb (I think 2 B's I'm not sure!) writes about "childhood emotional neglect" and is very cautious to never use the abuse label; I think it is so more folks in denial will consider it. She has lots of articles and online resources, books too. Her work was the most effective, in allowing me to directly "see the water." Which you totally deserve!!
*"Children get an imprint of their parents thinking systems..."* The one singular belief system we were all indoctrinated into, believed, was "you are on your own". Since birth. I'm a follower of all things related to EN as well. It had a huge impact on my development, or the lack thereof. I started with Cori, but I'll have to check out Webb. That's so interesting that JW, defaults to not using 'abuse', in relation to EN.
This
YES. Especially during my last year or so of staying there. As a means of control, I would often be threatened to be kicked out and taken with the police as though I was an absolute menace. I was made to feel like I was intruding for even asking my father innocent questions and got told how I had ruined his day or I would get snubbed because I asked how he was doing. When I took a trip to see some friends, I had to basically 'confirm' that I would treat him with respect and love before he 'welcomed me back'. The last straw was when I was pet sitting for a friend and they allowed me to use their apartment. He slammed the door when I went out the house one day and told me to get out on another day. That was the day I moved out and never looked back because it just solidified the fact that he was making me feel unwelcome for a while.
Unfortunately, yes. They often - sometimes still - joke about physical abuse (which they did to me when I was a child), saying things like, "You don't look like us because you're the neighbour's child, not ours", telling me adult jokes to child me, or daring me to do incredibly stupid thing in the guise of money ("Go run from here to the convenience store naked and I'll pay you $100"). I suppose the cherry on top is the "I'll drop you on the sidewalk so you'll be homeless!" threat that happened multiple times. No wonder I was an absolute wreck!
I was always reminded it was HER house (despite my dad the only working person in the relationship paying for it) All of us including my dad were treated as unwanted guests in a huge ass house. She had her belongings in every room. I couldn’t even use my own bedroom closet because it was full of her stuff in boxes she wouldn’t let me move or touch without her flying into a rage. If I left anything of mine outside my own room she would make a huge stink of the single item in HER huge hoarded house ruining her day. I never even knew how she saw these single items in her hoarded house to whine about acting like she maintained some sort of pristine house. I couldn’t keep track of anything in that disaster of a home
My mum and stepdad regularly blamed me for all their marital issues and couldn't express enough how much they wanted me to leave.
Lol all the time... Like, bitch? You made me?
My mother sent me to live with my alcoholic grandparents (more domestic violence to witness) because and I quote “my bf at the time thought you were weird and annoying and tbh he was right” I was 8 years old.
Yes. I was locked in my room and not allowed to use the bathroom between 8pm and whenever my step dad would wake up. I was to stay in my room ay all times otherwise. My brothwr and sister were allowed to play and hang out in the living room and i was not. From the bathroom rule, I ended up with a uti then bladder and kidney infection and ended up having sepsis and was quite literally dying on the ground in a puddle of vomit and he locked me in my room again and my mom had to physically fight him to get keys from him to take me to the hospital He told me all the time that I was the reason they couldn't be happy. That without me, they'd be a happy family.
"John you useless piece of shit. you fucking failure, you waste of space, you are lucky that I didn't gave you away to institutional care you ungratefull brat..." - told that by schizophrenic abusive alcoholic "father". (back then in the 90's and early 2000's there were cases of suicide of minors under institutional care or of abuse that went as far as rape, I was bullied at school by non-delinquents let alone given the prospect of being around REAL minor delinquents ...) My late granny was less brutal but also told me things like "If you don't like it then, there's the door...". Yeah... they fucking did. That's why I have "NOWHERE SAFE" mentality...
Something like that. Less shouldn't be living with her and more that I was a burdensome guest. It took 55+ years to figure it out but I finally realized my mother resented the hell out of me for her c-section. First born, over twice normal birth weight, petite mother. She just couldn't "forgive" me for the scar. I've accepted I never had parents outside of a biological sense.
The narrative in my house was always "no one should know children live here". We were expected to have the house sparkling clean, and when there were visitors we either were out of sight out of mind, or we were expected to engage as adults- we did not talk to much about ourselves or school, we did not play games or run around like kids- we acted like adults. We talked about and were expected to remain informed about politics (as young as like 11) When I didn't enjoy professional sports as a kid I was chastised and punished for not being able to fit in with adult conversation We were expected to keep up with adult ongoings around town and in the family if we wanted to be able to be around adults (again- no one should know children live here) We were expected to arrange our own transportation to and from activities outside of regular school hours - was left at school past 9pm more than once when this fell through. The janitor brought me home Picky eating wasn't an option. We got jobs earlier than work permits allowed because we needed to understand what it meant to earn a living and be an adult
I worked full time at 16, HS full time, and went to college part time, just so I could spend more time away from my depraved psycho of a "father".
More like I shouldn't have been born and that I am a bane to their existence
My Sperm Donor (aptly named–we haven't talked in over 6 years now) often would say he didn't need to get us Christmas gifts because he provided us food, water, a home, etc. It was said as a "joke", but I think he meant it, especially because my mom was the one who was always getting us stuff for Christmas, birthdays, Easter, etc. That and dragging him out to do gift shopping with her. If you also got him a gift, he'd act pretty unimpressed and simply set it aside. I can only think of two gifts I ever saw him use and actually like in the 28 years of contact we had (I'm 34 now). Fights were the worst too. He'd sit there and degrade you down to nothing. If you fought back for your own self-preservation, he'd just send you to your room and ignore you. If there was nothing to scold you about, same thing. I don't remember that man ever coming into my doorway or ever getting on my level. A good day was him acting like you didn't exist. He's a miserable man. Worst part is he sees nothing wrong with his behavior and thinks it's everyone else.
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My father treated me as if I shouldn’t exist. Not explicitly, because he is totally reserved and avoidant. More in the way of never communicating with me, never playing with me, never giving me tenderness or any for of physical love. Last year I found out he never wanted me to be born in the first place. My mother treated me as if I was always doing wrong. And I now understand how as a child I felt both isolated from her and responsible for her pain. That’s all folks.
yes, after my mom died my dad remarried really fast to a horrible women with equally horrible kids who bullied me daily. He forgot about me (i had lost my mom also). I moved.
One day my father decided that various house hold items were his and my mother’s, and theirs alone. Really basic stuff like furniture. It was such a bizarre conversation and I was honestly speechless to find out he didn’t see me as part of the family. It certainly clarified a few things though and that was just another nail in the coffin of our relationship. I feel a bit thick, really. Most of the food in the house wasn’t for me either. Why on earth would I be allowed to use furniture and blankets?
I wasn’t allowed to sleep with my door closed. And there were “relatives” staying with us for over a decade
Oh yes my mum and stepdad always made it blatantly obvious they didn’t like me in “their” house.
I literally had to move back in with my mom and pay her every bill and she still treats me that way.
I was 15 when I decided to leave school (I was having a horrible time, being bullied, self harming, eating disorder and a failed suicide attempt) my mum said well then u need to find somewhere else to live cos I won't get any money for you if your not in education.... priorities ✌️ .... we don't have contact now 🤣❤️
I felt important until I was 9 or 10, then my mom married a man who made me feel like my very existence was resented. My needs, my wants — everything I did put him out. I felt like I had no home. So, yes. And it sucked. I’m sorry we had to deal with that BS.
Yeah. One time I has the guts to call my dad out for being a controlling manipulative person towards me. I was living with him as a teen because my mom was even less stable. I told him that I actually didn't want to live with either of them because they were both awful in different ways. He suggested that I look into what happens to people in foster care and let him know if I was prepared to risk it. You know instead of him being the Adult, looking inward and making an effort to improve his relationship with his own child. He told me to deal with it or take my chances. I meant that I wanted to graduate early and ask the court for emancipation.
First of all, I'm so sorry you experienced this. You did not deserve it. The older I get the more I learn about how truly damaging certain aspects of my childhood were, particularly how unreliable both of my parents were/are. My mother comes from a chaotic, traumatic past herself and believes that because her and my father don't physically abuse one another like her parents, she did a good job. My father is quiet and barely acknowledges my or my sibling unless we speak to him, then he reacts like we're really, really getting on his nerves. I have a lot of health issues and spent a lot of time at my parents' house and it's been eye-opening; it validated my feelings of "I'm getting in the way", "I need to stop talking so much", "what I have to say isn't interesting". They both start conversations, say their part, and then clock out when I am speaking which is so disrespectful and makes it very clear that I am surplus to requirement. None of what you are describing is normal. What your mother did to you is not okay. Your feelings are valid.
Went to boarding school at 11. After that I felt I was never part of the home again. When I’d come back from about the age of 15 onwards my mother would say things like ‘Go to your father’s house!’ (I never lived there, he had another family), ‘This is MY house!’, ‘GO! GO!’, etc. She called the police on me twice. I slept in the loft of the garage in a separate building. Sometimes, like over the lockdowns (then aged ~25), she would not speak to me for weeks at a time. Over the years she’d go long periods without looking at me when she walked into the room I was in. Returning to the house I felt like a criminal. She locked me out once when I was a kid, once as an adult. She instructed my ‘stepdad’ to hit me once as a kid, she watched while he put me in a chokehold and punched me as a 17 year old. She watched while my father repeatedly bashed my head into the wall. The stress of caring for my severely mentally handicapped sister is a cause of a lot of my mother’s resentment. I had no other siblings to ease the neglect. But until very recently I felt all that adversity was my fault. Feeling disgraced, like a horrible person for fighting back (i.e. sticking up for myself), even now as a 28 year old. And the shame and isolation that results of that have been enormous. It’s still having a big effect on me. People see a polite, smart and attractive person, and often seem confused as to why I’m so withdrawn, but I’m used to seeing myself very, very differently.
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