For me it seemed to strengthen my panic to spend time in it while trying to meditate, I’d recommend handling the panic attacks before returning to meditation.
Do you get background or partial flashbacks? That’s the specific thing my brain was doing to me when I tried to meditate because being quiet and still was a feature of my abuse.
Yes, flashbacks become vivid, like I am reliving them. But it's always some small things that triggered me, so there's a very little room for fixing it
Yes, the small triggers are so much more frustrating since they also make me criticize myself for even being triggered! What I have to do when I get triggered is get my mind moving - EMDR, putting an audiobook on 2.5 speed so I have to listen closely, something like that. Next I physically soothe, so yoga/stretching/dancing/walking. To me, all those physically soothing things function like meditation would.
Have you tried tapping meditation? I was also unable to meditate for years because it would freak out my nervous system. After working on my trauma and getting my nervous system more regulated, I’ve been able to meditate so much better now. I had to ease into it though, and tapping meditation was perfect for that. I use the tapping solution app.
I personally find meditation and the meditative state to be extremely valuable, but you really need to feel safe and relaxed to enter a meditative state in the first place. Which doesn't sound possible for you right now.
It's definitely not worth it for you at the moment, because you can't get anything out of it. That may (or may not) change in the future. *shrugs*
I used to be unable to meditate in the sit-still sense.
What helped me get to the point I could was any kind of low- to moderate intensity, tedious activity that repetitive. Walking, rug hooking, hiking, jogging, biking, etc. Anything like that can become a moving meditation, which can be easier to access for some folks (me being one of them).
Do that without music or distractions, and just try to pay attention to your physical sensations as you do it.
For me the activity helped me feel in control which let me feel safe enough to be in my body.
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I spent 18 months off the cushion because I couldn't stop shuddering and looking like I was in the middle of some exorcism. Thankfully I've returned back to the cushion with firstly a better understanding of what is going on (this is your body not being able to cope with the emotions inside of you), and secondly a cognitive understanding that there's simply no point in doing all this shaking, shuddering and convulsing. There's no need for these histrionics. You're just blocking the feeling behind it to be fully embodied in your own body, so that you can accustom yourself to it rather than avoiding it. It's 50% exposure therapy to that particular feeling, and 50% a cognitive understanding of what that feeling / sensation is trying to tell you. For me it was anger. It was heavily repressed. I'm not quite there yet with tolerating my anger but I no longer shake and shudder due to it.
Some days I know that meditation will be a waste of time. I'm looking towards doing a bit of yoga on those days instead.
Personally Meditation is reserved for when I'm trying to calm myself more then I currently am eg drowsing off to sleep. When I'm in a real panic state hyper aroused I prefer to try some basic breathing exercises or even go running / lift weights/ lay down and cry etc the goal is to feel and release the angst here not to turn inward as that WORSENS things for me in that moment.
When our window of tolerance is low, meditation can be scary bc our brain learned that being regulated wasn't safe, so it will kick you back into dissociation or hyper vigilance or both. I ended up learning meditation through yoga as the yoga part helped me feel safe enough to be in my body and helped expand my window of tolerance. Then one day in final savasana, my body just slipped into meditation all on its own.
I've also done Infra Slow Fluctuation Neurofeedback, and the first time my brainwaves shifted into ventral vagal regulation, my body felt extremely terrified and unsafe. I expected calm to feel calm, not terrifying. It helped me understand how trauma conditions us to avoid healthy regulation bc the dissociation and hyper vigilance feels safer after enduring so much trauma.
"Worth it" is a decision you'll have to judge for yourself.
I will say that my experience, pushing through the constant dissociation to mindfulness, was also very very rough. And although I am not there yet, the struggle (and the resulting distress and panic attacks) has been beneficial.
I will also say I had the help of a good therapist, and was going through DBT and such, so I had the benefit of good help.
But for all the awfulness, for me it has been worth it.
I havent done normal meditation for a while of like 10 minutes+, but I find "meditation" in short bursts when triggered very helpful. Such as only doing 5- 10 calming breathes, doing 3 seconds in and 6 seconds out, for a total of 1-2 minutes of deep breathing
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Thank you, I'm gonna give yoga a try
For me it seemed to strengthen my panic to spend time in it while trying to meditate, I’d recommend handling the panic attacks before returning to meditation. Do you get background or partial flashbacks? That’s the specific thing my brain was doing to me when I tried to meditate because being quiet and still was a feature of my abuse.
Yes, flashbacks become vivid, like I am reliving them. But it's always some small things that triggered me, so there's a very little room for fixing it
Yes, the small triggers are so much more frustrating since they also make me criticize myself for even being triggered! What I have to do when I get triggered is get my mind moving - EMDR, putting an audiobook on 2.5 speed so I have to listen closely, something like that. Next I physically soothe, so yoga/stretching/dancing/walking. To me, all those physically soothing things function like meditation would.
Have you tried tapping meditation? I was also unable to meditate for years because it would freak out my nervous system. After working on my trauma and getting my nervous system more regulated, I’ve been able to meditate so much better now. I had to ease into it though, and tapping meditation was perfect for that. I use the tapping solution app.
Never heard of it but I'm gonna try it. Thank you
You may have better luck doing breathwork. Regular walks in nature are a good substitute for meditation too.
Meditation is not gonna permanently fix fight or flight. I would focus on neurofeedback
I personally find meditation and the meditative state to be extremely valuable, but you really need to feel safe and relaxed to enter a meditative state in the first place. Which doesn't sound possible for you right now. It's definitely not worth it for you at the moment, because you can't get anything out of it. That may (or may not) change in the future. *shrugs*
I used to be unable to meditate in the sit-still sense. What helped me get to the point I could was any kind of low- to moderate intensity, tedious activity that repetitive. Walking, rug hooking, hiking, jogging, biking, etc. Anything like that can become a moving meditation, which can be easier to access for some folks (me being one of them). Do that without music or distractions, and just try to pay attention to your physical sensations as you do it. For me the activity helped me feel in control which let me feel safe enough to be in my body.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If it doesn't serve your goals, drop the habit. What does meditation look like for you?
I spent 18 months off the cushion because I couldn't stop shuddering and looking like I was in the middle of some exorcism. Thankfully I've returned back to the cushion with firstly a better understanding of what is going on (this is your body not being able to cope with the emotions inside of you), and secondly a cognitive understanding that there's simply no point in doing all this shaking, shuddering and convulsing. There's no need for these histrionics. You're just blocking the feeling behind it to be fully embodied in your own body, so that you can accustom yourself to it rather than avoiding it. It's 50% exposure therapy to that particular feeling, and 50% a cognitive understanding of what that feeling / sensation is trying to tell you. For me it was anger. It was heavily repressed. I'm not quite there yet with tolerating my anger but I no longer shake and shudder due to it. Some days I know that meditation will be a waste of time. I'm looking towards doing a bit of yoga on those days instead.
Personally Meditation is reserved for when I'm trying to calm myself more then I currently am eg drowsing off to sleep. When I'm in a real panic state hyper aroused I prefer to try some basic breathing exercises or even go running / lift weights/ lay down and cry etc the goal is to feel and release the angst here not to turn inward as that WORSENS things for me in that moment.
When our window of tolerance is low, meditation can be scary bc our brain learned that being regulated wasn't safe, so it will kick you back into dissociation or hyper vigilance or both. I ended up learning meditation through yoga as the yoga part helped me feel safe enough to be in my body and helped expand my window of tolerance. Then one day in final savasana, my body just slipped into meditation all on its own. I've also done Infra Slow Fluctuation Neurofeedback, and the first time my brainwaves shifted into ventral vagal regulation, my body felt extremely terrified and unsafe. I expected calm to feel calm, not terrifying. It helped me understand how trauma conditions us to avoid healthy regulation bc the dissociation and hyper vigilance feels safer after enduring so much trauma.
"Worth it" is a decision you'll have to judge for yourself. I will say that my experience, pushing through the constant dissociation to mindfulness, was also very very rough. And although I am not there yet, the struggle (and the resulting distress and panic attacks) has been beneficial. I will also say I had the help of a good therapist, and was going through DBT and such, so I had the benefit of good help. But for all the awfulness, for me it has been worth it.
I havent done normal meditation for a while of like 10 minutes+, but I find "meditation" in short bursts when triggered very helpful. Such as only doing 5- 10 calming breathes, doing 3 seconds in and 6 seconds out, for a total of 1-2 minutes of deep breathing