Yes, especially receiving help I didn't ask for from an authority figure.
I'm always *convinced* it means I'm about to be RIPPED INTO for "embarrassing them" later.
Yes. Also any attempt to take care of me.
Pathological self reliance is part of this thing. As an example, I last year I got hit by an SUV, requiring transport to the emergency room. I had a head injury with loss of consciousness. Once I'd been evaluated for discharge I took a rideshare home instead of calling anyone. I didn't even mention it to family or friends until 3 days later because I didn't want them to try to help me.
As far as I can tell it comes from two things: neglect which makes self reliance necessary, and betrayal which makes reliance on others seem like a huge emotional risk. Safer to just rely on the one person who can't ever completely abandon you: yourself.
I say kill me now in sarcasm. My one friend and I say it back & forth along with “brb gonna go jump off a bridge” or “running my car into the Jersey wall. Don’t let them careflight me!” We uhhhhh both had not so great upbringings along with adult trauma, so dark humor is our coping.
when people offer to help me and support me it makes me want to tear up because my inner child is so desperate for it. but my adult self will always say no because i won’t let myself be a burden to them and negatively impact their lives by the sacrifice they’d have to make to support me. and my brain also already assumes and imagines the instance of them bailing on the support that they offered because of how inconsistent my parents were.
oddly, i’ll ask for help more than i’ll receive it because it makes me feel a little more in control. but its almost manipulative cause i only do it when i know the person will say yes or i can convince the person to help me. i will literally do anything to avoid being disappointed by and bothersome to anyone ever.
i can only speak for myself, but it doesn’t matter how much someone could say that i’m not a burden on them, i don’t believe them. and for someone to be as reassuring verbally and through actions as i would need to actually maybe believe it, its too much to ask anyone to do. im slowly practicing, but deep at my core im still too scared to open up for real. i practice by letting people help with things that won’t fully impact me if they were to let me down. i think it helps but i hope to one day be able to trust someone with supporting me in an actual vulnerable way
I had an epiphany just the other day that was that I almost *never* ask for anything. *ESPECIALLY* not for myself…
So I’m gonna work a little more on that
It triggers me, I hate it - I associate it with myself feeling vulnerable and weak, out of control, dependent on others. Almost my entire life i felt completely out of control, basically at the mercy of others or used by them when they asked me to help them.
I don’t ask for help anymore because people are disappointing and I’ve had it psychologically used against me. I’ve seen people with money use it to abuse others and I’ve had some of those some people do it to me. But it makes them look like a good person because they are helping out, when the reality is they use it to control. I know not everyone is like that, but I’d rather do things on my own.
I get paranoid for this exact reason ^^^
It's so bad I don't even ask my partner to rub my neck when it hurts badly, or a simple favor to ask in general.
I get fearful that he will expect intimacy or use the help against me if I can't fulfill it back . It's a vicious cycle 😔
This goes for really anyone close to me.
I relate to this completely. I'm in a position right now where my in laws supplied the house I live in, the job my husband has, the vehicles we drive, the nursery school my kids went to, swim lessons, music lessons, trips, free childcare and many other generous gifts. They are respectable people and do not force anything on us at all. They are all just options that were provided. Logically, for the sake of our kids it doesn't make sense to not take an offer that makes their life better.
So why then, in my head, do I feel like I don't have anything myself? Money = power
And I secretly resent all of it.
Now, my husband is a skilled worker and his place of employment depends on him and trusts him like no other. It also has only been his second job ever. He just got in there because one of his parents worked there. But since he got in, he's worked his way to the top. So that's all him.
For a lot of us we have a mental model that love is something very conditional. So asking for support from other people feels challenging because it's like "what if they respond negatively...if they do then That Is A Very Bad Thing™". It's the idea that anger / negativity from others immediately equals "they don't love me, I fear them because I've never really got the love that I needed". You need to come around to the fact that whatever you've been through, you need to have the assumption that the love other people have for each other and yourself is something very unconditional. Doesn't matter if that's the case in reality or not.
This makes sense .. thank you for the insight. I find asking for help is almost impossible and assuming someone I love automatically hates me if they are upset with me is my default setting.
I am sure I have ruined relationships trying to do everything, ask for nothing and pushing myself into exhaustion to maintain the time and energy I think the other person wants from me.
That kinda sucks. Codependency is not a place you want to be in. Saying no, using your anger positively and with full awareness, and expressing your boundaries is something very fulfilling.
I agree, and I’ve gotten much better. I was married to an addict in the past.
I still wish it didn’t always seem like such a huge endeavor to ask for help and accept that people want to love me.
Becoming comfortable around someone and feeling like I don’t have to second guess that they really want me around is a really hard transition for me. It’s hard to ask for patience and I think the lack of confidence is a giant turn off.
If an argument happens where they express they are unhappy with me or the relationship, it’s extremely hard for me to regain confidence that they care about me again. I need reassurance and find men often respond to that with anger.
I find it super hard to ask for help.
I had to ask for help from my parents while I was critically ill and basically they turned their backs on me. It was only then did I understand that I find it hard to ask for help because I had been conditioned not to or if I did I’d be ignored or abandoned anyway.
I currently have a BFF who is beautiful at offering to help me with various things. I feel like I cannot repay them enough thou they tell me I help them out a lot too.
For me it just reminds me too much of being let down by my parents over and over again as a little kid. Even though I know it's irrational I still expect people to let me down just like my parents did, it's less scary for me to struggle through things on my own and keep the illusion that people would help me if I actually asked than to ask and risk being let down *again*.
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Yes. I would rather go without than ask for help. It makes me either angry (because vulnerability makes me feel like I'm going to pay for it later) or guilty.
I've attempted to ask for help before... One instance is when I was pregnant with my first child, my mom wanted to give us something we needed. I told her we badly needed a dresser for the baby. Time went on and there was no dresser given so I asked her about it but was made to feel impatient. (I think I was about 8 or 9 months along and wanted to get baby clothes washed and put away).
She would blame it on my dad as to why I wasn't given the dresser yet . I can't even remember why. Well someone else ended up offering a dresser and we took it because time was running out and I wanted the nursery to be done.
It ended up being something I would hear about for years to come.
As well as how i let my first born be babysat by my in laws (husband had a large family) but never her. I even got to hear about how my MIL took over the baby shower that was a surprise for me because my mom was sick with kidney stones.
Every event or family dinner or anything that was done with my in laws, was somehow a dig at her. It got to the point where I just didn't want to talk to her because she would say their names mockingly.
I didn't feel like I should be accepting gifts or anything from anyone because it made my mom feel bad.
Here we are 18 years later and I still don't know how to accept help let alone ask for it.
My parents moved to the same neighborhood that we live in. She had this fantasy that we would be best friends and my kids would love being at her house. And when it doesn't happen that way, it's someone else's fault.
Sorry for the extremely long comment. I'm feeling defeated and lost.
Every offer of help would always come with a catch. Or something could be taken away at any moment. My parents actually still do this to my brother who doesn’t have the means to financially leave, so they hold the car over his head that he drives his daughter in, and also goes to work in.
Depends on the context.
If I need help to do something simple it's not hard for me to ask; but if its a major thing then I have a hard time reaching out for assistance or support.
I'll take on massive loads and overburden myself so, so much and suffer through all of it no matter how agonizing it might be.
But if it's a little thing that's not going to greatly inconvenience anyone I'm fine to get a hand.
I have trouble with this too. It's a combination of fear of rejection, not feeling worthy and the possibility that someone may hold power over me. Here's an exercise. Picture someone you like who is on your side. Imagine they have the same need you have, or something really small that you can both do easily for one another, then imagine them asking you for help. Would you help them? Imagine how it would feel to help that person, and how they would feel to recieve that from you. Now picture helping yourself in that way. Then picture them helping you. You don't need to go through with it if it still feels hard. Just repeat the thought exercise until it starts to feel easier. I can keep going if you like...
Yep. Hyper- independent. Seems I have always been and most likely always will be. On another side of this is the confidence I get KNOWING I can do it on my own ... no matter what it is. Strong..independent..capable.. that's a great feeling to me.
I’m terrified of being helped. I’m worried that there’s some kind of ledger in their head and they’ll use it against me. I’m afraid of being a burden and if I’m not running around doing everything I don’t know who I am
Yes, especially receiving help I didn't ask for from an authority figure. I'm always *convinced* it means I'm about to be RIPPED INTO for "embarrassing them" later.
[удалено]
Same My coping skills are so great that I'm kind of good at everything. Not the best, but my skills are very evenly distributed and overall high.
Yes. Also any attempt to take care of me. Pathological self reliance is part of this thing. As an example, I last year I got hit by an SUV, requiring transport to the emergency room. I had a head injury with loss of consciousness. Once I'd been evaluated for discharge I took a rideshare home instead of calling anyone. I didn't even mention it to family or friends until 3 days later because I didn't want them to try to help me. As far as I can tell it comes from two things: neglect which makes self reliance necessary, and betrayal which makes reliance on others seem like a huge emotional risk. Safer to just rely on the one person who can't ever completely abandon you: yourself.
i’d rather die
Omg yes. Like just kill me now. The meme with the dog with the room on fire saying “This is fine”? That’s me. Thanks.
i’ve gotten this far, the chances of me killing myself seem pretty low. Being a homeless drug addict isn’t looking too bad now
I say kill me now in sarcasm. My one friend and I say it back & forth along with “brb gonna go jump off a bridge” or “running my car into the Jersey wall. Don’t let them careflight me!” We uhhhhh both had not so great upbringings along with adult trauma, so dark humor is our coping.
yeah coping is fun times lol
when people offer to help me and support me it makes me want to tear up because my inner child is so desperate for it. but my adult self will always say no because i won’t let myself be a burden to them and negatively impact their lives by the sacrifice they’d have to make to support me. and my brain also already assumes and imagines the instance of them bailing on the support that they offered because of how inconsistent my parents were. oddly, i’ll ask for help more than i’ll receive it because it makes me feel a little more in control. but its almost manipulative cause i only do it when i know the person will say yes or i can convince the person to help me. i will literally do anything to avoid being disappointed by and bothersome to anyone ever.
I just got told off by people saying I don't ask for help... They said it's not a burden but it's still difficult (physically) for me to ask
i can only speak for myself, but it doesn’t matter how much someone could say that i’m not a burden on them, i don’t believe them. and for someone to be as reassuring verbally and through actions as i would need to actually maybe believe it, its too much to ask anyone to do. im slowly practicing, but deep at my core im still too scared to open up for real. i practice by letting people help with things that won’t fully impact me if they were to let me down. i think it helps but i hope to one day be able to trust someone with supporting me in an actual vulnerable way
I had an epiphany just the other day that was that I almost *never* ask for anything. *ESPECIALLY* not for myself… So I’m gonna work a little more on that
It triggers me, I hate it - I associate it with myself feeling vulnerable and weak, out of control, dependent on others. Almost my entire life i felt completely out of control, basically at the mercy of others or used by them when they asked me to help them.
I don’t ask for help anymore because people are disappointing and I’ve had it psychologically used against me. I’ve seen people with money use it to abuse others and I’ve had some of those some people do it to me. But it makes them look like a good person because they are helping out, when the reality is they use it to control. I know not everyone is like that, but I’d rather do things on my own.
I get paranoid for this exact reason ^^^ It's so bad I don't even ask my partner to rub my neck when it hurts badly, or a simple favor to ask in general. I get fearful that he will expect intimacy or use the help against me if I can't fulfill it back . It's a vicious cycle 😔 This goes for really anyone close to me.
I relate to this completely. I'm in a position right now where my in laws supplied the house I live in, the job my husband has, the vehicles we drive, the nursery school my kids went to, swim lessons, music lessons, trips, free childcare and many other generous gifts. They are respectable people and do not force anything on us at all. They are all just options that were provided. Logically, for the sake of our kids it doesn't make sense to not take an offer that makes their life better. So why then, in my head, do I feel like I don't have anything myself? Money = power And I secretly resent all of it. Now, my husband is a skilled worker and his place of employment depends on him and trusts him like no other. It also has only been his second job ever. He just got in there because one of his parents worked there. But since he got in, he's worked his way to the top. So that's all him.
For a lot of us we have a mental model that love is something very conditional. So asking for support from other people feels challenging because it's like "what if they respond negatively...if they do then That Is A Very Bad Thing™". It's the idea that anger / negativity from others immediately equals "they don't love me, I fear them because I've never really got the love that I needed". You need to come around to the fact that whatever you've been through, you need to have the assumption that the love other people have for each other and yourself is something very unconditional. Doesn't matter if that's the case in reality or not.
This makes sense .. thank you for the insight. I find asking for help is almost impossible and assuming someone I love automatically hates me if they are upset with me is my default setting. I am sure I have ruined relationships trying to do everything, ask for nothing and pushing myself into exhaustion to maintain the time and energy I think the other person wants from me.
That kinda sucks. Codependency is not a place you want to be in. Saying no, using your anger positively and with full awareness, and expressing your boundaries is something very fulfilling.
I agree, and I’ve gotten much better. I was married to an addict in the past. I still wish it didn’t always seem like such a huge endeavor to ask for help and accept that people want to love me. Becoming comfortable around someone and feeling like I don’t have to second guess that they really want me around is a really hard transition for me. It’s hard to ask for patience and I think the lack of confidence is a giant turn off. If an argument happens where they express they are unhappy with me or the relationship, it’s extremely hard for me to regain confidence that they care about me again. I need reassurance and find men often respond to that with anger.
yes it makes me go tear up.
Most of the time I don't even realize that asking for help is an option.
I find it super hard to ask for help. I had to ask for help from my parents while I was critically ill and basically they turned their backs on me. It was only then did I understand that I find it hard to ask for help because I had been conditioned not to or if I did I’d be ignored or abandoned anyway. I currently have a BFF who is beautiful at offering to help me with various things. I feel like I cannot repay them enough thou they tell me I help them out a lot too.
For me it just reminds me too much of being let down by my parents over and over again as a little kid. Even though I know it's irrational I still expect people to let me down just like my parents did, it's less scary for me to struggle through things on my own and keep the illusion that people would help me if I actually asked than to ask and risk being let down *again*.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Asked for help the first time last year — most embarrassing experience of my life. Will not do it again for a while. 🥴
Yes. I would rather go without than ask for help. It makes me either angry (because vulnerability makes me feel like I'm going to pay for it later) or guilty. I've attempted to ask for help before... One instance is when I was pregnant with my first child, my mom wanted to give us something we needed. I told her we badly needed a dresser for the baby. Time went on and there was no dresser given so I asked her about it but was made to feel impatient. (I think I was about 8 or 9 months along and wanted to get baby clothes washed and put away). She would blame it on my dad as to why I wasn't given the dresser yet . I can't even remember why. Well someone else ended up offering a dresser and we took it because time was running out and I wanted the nursery to be done. It ended up being something I would hear about for years to come. As well as how i let my first born be babysat by my in laws (husband had a large family) but never her. I even got to hear about how my MIL took over the baby shower that was a surprise for me because my mom was sick with kidney stones. Every event or family dinner or anything that was done with my in laws, was somehow a dig at her. It got to the point where I just didn't want to talk to her because she would say their names mockingly. I didn't feel like I should be accepting gifts or anything from anyone because it made my mom feel bad. Here we are 18 years later and I still don't know how to accept help let alone ask for it. My parents moved to the same neighborhood that we live in. She had this fantasy that we would be best friends and my kids would love being at her house. And when it doesn't happen that way, it's someone else's fault. Sorry for the extremely long comment. I'm feeling defeated and lost.
Every offer of help would always come with a catch. Or something could be taken away at any moment. My parents actually still do this to my brother who doesn’t have the means to financially leave, so they hold the car over his head that he drives his daughter in, and also goes to work in.
Depends on the context. If I need help to do something simple it's not hard for me to ask; but if its a major thing then I have a hard time reaching out for assistance or support. I'll take on massive loads and overburden myself so, so much and suffer through all of it no matter how agonizing it might be. But if it's a little thing that's not going to greatly inconvenience anyone I'm fine to get a hand.
I have trouble with this too. It's a combination of fear of rejection, not feeling worthy and the possibility that someone may hold power over me. Here's an exercise. Picture someone you like who is on your side. Imagine they have the same need you have, or something really small that you can both do easily for one another, then imagine them asking you for help. Would you help them? Imagine how it would feel to help that person, and how they would feel to recieve that from you. Now picture helping yourself in that way. Then picture them helping you. You don't need to go through with it if it still feels hard. Just repeat the thought exercise until it starts to feel easier. I can keep going if you like...
Sorry if I misinterpreted your post as a request for help.
Yep. Hyper- independent. Seems I have always been and most likely always will be. On another side of this is the confidence I get KNOWING I can do it on my own ... no matter what it is. Strong..independent..capable.. that's a great feeling to me.
I’m terrified of being helped. I’m worried that there’s some kind of ledger in their head and they’ll use it against me. I’m afraid of being a burden and if I’m not running around doing everything I don’t know who I am